About Me The Author

About Me

I’m an Aries born 1972 the year of the Rat. I’m 42 and have 2 children. My son is currently living with me and my husband. My daughter is living with her other parental figures as she likes to call us. Currently I’m a housewife after 10 years in my last job. Was in serious need of some extended time off and took advantage of that to bring my son home. I enjoy reading, writing, poetry and being on my computer. I still spend some time doing genealogy, my family tree. I love my family and myself. I used to be into tarot, palm reading, astrology and drawing. Used to want to be a shaman… who knows maybe one day. I’ve always loved unicorns and the color purple. Some of my favorite TV shows are Perception, Once Upon A Time, True Blood, Under The Dome, Revolution, Game of Thrones, Touch and The Big Bang Theory. Some of my favorite movies are Across The Universe, Dirty Dancing, Underworld, Pirates of the Caribbean, Alice in Wonderland, Avatar and Twilight. My husband and I watch John Carter a lot. I don’t listen to a lot of music but when I do it’s old country, oldies, soft rock and of course Elvis Presley. Elvis in black leather… hot! Patrick Swayze stole a little piece of my heart in Dirty Dancing as did Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman and Step Mom. My favorite books are romance or fantasy. Johanna Lindsay is my favorite author.

I’ve been clean from some hard core drugs since 2002. I had to re-evaluate the choices I was making and am now clean of all street drugs including marijuana. It just wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t putting myself or my family first. The small amount of enjoyment I was getting didn’t justify the havoc it was creating. Even alcohol got the boot. Being controlled by any addiction is not how I want to lead my life. Currently quitting smoking for the third time.

I’ve had experiences with psychosis, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and addictions. I know what it’s like to not feel comfortable in my own skin. I hid from my emotions in drugs. Anxiety and depression where the result. Had some psychotic episodes during my hard core drug days. Parent’s who didn’t know how to deal with me and in dealing with their own demons contributed to my low self-esteem. Getting clean wasn’t easy. Facing my own emotions and guilt was the hardest. I hurt a lot of people when I went down that path.

I consider myself lucky that on the road to recovery I learned a lot about myself. It’s been a long road and I’m still on it. One day it hit me. If I don’t stop I will be dead. I didn’t want to die so I listened. Called my sister and went home. Went to a 3 week recovery program and learned about addiction and how it controls you. It wasn’t smooth sailing from there. Panic episodes that made it hard to breath. Dreams of using. Certain smells would trigger my want to use. Withdrawal. And of course the guilt. I had wrecked not only my own life but that of my children and the pain I’d caused my mom and sisters was un-measurable.

So why do I consider myself lucky? Because I had to take a good long look at myself and find out what made me tick. The fake self-confidence I had while using, I tried my best to take that with me into recovery. They have a saying in recovery. Fake it til you make it. I faked it for a long time. Eventually it became reality. I remember being told in recovery that we are the lucky ones because we are the ones being forced to take a look at ourselves and make changes. Stop blaming the world for our choices. Be responsible for our choices. No one has control over who we are or how we react except ourselves. I so believe this. So many people still blame everything on everyone else instead of taking responsibility for their own actions and choices.

I’m still learning who I am every day. Getting older doesn’t mean you stop learning. Just means you began to realize how much more there is to learn about ourselves and the world around us. I’m not afraid to look at myself, in my head or in the mirror. I have flaws and things I need to work on but I love me and I accept me.

I am one of the lucky ones!

Mom
BarbieBF

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