Do they know...?

I was asked this: Do they know how good he was doing when he was with you? I don't know the answer. Should they know? In my opinion yes but my opinions are just that, opinions. Only my husband, myself and his treatment team out here actually saw the progress that my son made.

Due to the Adderall in the beginning of June, that progress quickly, yet I hoped momentarily, went out the window as stability slipped through everyone's fingers. So when we took our trip out to British Columbia, no one saw that progress. Instead they saw what they had seen in April 2013, perhaps minus the telekinesis, chi talk and chronic marijuana addiction. Even as I write that I think, really?!. Having those three things alone pretty much out of the picture was a pretty big accomplishment. He was no longer spending hours trying to move a piece of paper with his mind, that the spirits were not letting him do. He wasn't constantly questioning his place in the universe, his chi or power over other people. Marijuana was still in the picture however it wasn't daily, in fact, was done to 2-3 times a month. He was down to minimal doses of anti-psychotics. He was attending school. So many things... Then I allowed myself to get pulled into my son's manipulation of wanting to try Adderall for his ADHD. I messed up, big time. Regaining stability is a slow and tedious road uphill. I didn't consider this a hard step backwards, just a bump in the road...

So here we are and I'm asking myself: Do they know...? Maybe in the bigger scheme of things it just didn't matter and perhaps still doesn't. Some things you have to let go off. I guess I need to let go (or at least try to)...  If only I saw the person that he is capable of being, not what everyone is resigned to him being then so be it. The easy decisions would have been to give into my son and schizophrenia. I just couldn't do that. I couldn't give up on him like that. Yes I have made mistakes and I will continue to do so, just as I'm afraid that my current choice of action or lack of action, is yet another mistake.

Recently I have had to acknowledge some subtle feelings of judgement. That I'm being judged not on who I am today but who I was 3-4 years ago. 4 years ago I was far from being in the right state of mind to put my family first. My relationship with my husband was up and down, filled with... to be blunt, bullshit. I was working more then full time hours and other then taking care of the basics at home, I was more concerned with that self-indulgent, monkey on my back, addiction. Mostly marijuana and even though I have never liked alcohol, it do had become a crutch in my life. I missed some pretty obvious signs on what my daughter was then going through. She, like our children do, paid the price for that. I'm not the person anymore. Thankfully. In January it will be 2 years since my husband and I went completely street drug clean. In August we were 1 year clean from alcohol. I'm a lot more aware of things then I was back then. I'm still me (for some that's a good thing, for others not so much :)) just with a different outlook on life and hopefully better equipped to handle what life can throw at me.

On a good note. Hubby bought some nuts for the squirrels last weekend. I thought I would leave all the fun to him but I guess I'm supposed to help feed them too ;). So here is a pic of one of them enjoying my husband's nuts (haha!) that I took this morning.

Mom
BarbieBF

Tattoo, Ear Infection, Forum and Inpatient Again.

I finally worked up the nerve and before I could change my mind, made an appointment to get my first tattoo. I have wanted one for a very long time. I didn't get the one I have been thinking about getting for the past 20 years and instead settled on a nice renaissance script of my children's names with two purple hearts.

This was taken the day I got it done. I'm so happy with it! I don't think it could have turned out better and is exactly what I wanted. I already know what my next one is going to be! No I'm not addicted, at least I don't think so ;) On my left shoulder I want the names of my mom and dad.

I ended up going to the walk-in clinic on Monday. Tried to get an appointment with my family doctor but couldn't get one for that day. I was pretty sure I had an ear infection and the shooting pains around my right ear where getting more frequent and painful so rather then wait another day to start taking antibiotics I walked to the clinic. About 25 minutes later I was on my way back home with my antibiotics. Advil for the pain which I did have to take consistently until yesterday. Now just the odd one if it starts to hurt.

I have referenced in the past that I'm a moderator on a schizophrenia forum. I very much enjoy my interactions on this forum and do my best to contribute to the community and help anyone that I can. There are times though where it gets to me. Emotionally. Times like right now where I see a member being treated with such disdain that I have trouble getting my mind around it. Since I'm moderator I try not to get to emotionally involved in some of the posts as I don't want it interfering with my ability to moderate the forum from an unbiased perspective. So I will talk freely about it here. There is one member who's English skills are not so great. He uses words that tend to make understanding what he writes more difficult. He seems to also post with the perspective of having limited insight into his condition, if he is in fact diagnosed. Statistically speaking 40% plus have little to no insight into their disorders (anosognosia) so I don't see him as being anymore delusional or black and white in his thinking then most of the other members. In fact he seems to understand and follow the guidelines better then some who claim to be recovered. He certainly doesn't try to put other's down as other's have been doing to him on purpose. The forum has a handful of members who seem to think that their opinions are worth more then anyone else's and that because they have reached a certain point in their recovery that everyone else should be at that same point. Words like 'reality checking' and 'delusional' get thrown around like they justify treating another human being like they are sub-human, without regard to showing the least amount of respect, compassion, sympathy or empathy.

I really don't get it. A community of people that are fighting for understanding from this world, who want a safe place to be themselves without judgement and criticism. Then someone comes along who doesn't fit and he is treated like that child on the playground that is being picked on just because he is different or maybe is from a different country so can't communicate as effectively. He tries but his attempts get ridiculed and blown off as delusional. I have tried to accommodate by moving some posts from one category to another so as not to offend or cause more grievances. Then I think to myself what is that saying? I'm saying that this person doesn't fit... In a community of people who don't feel that they fit in this world with all it's judgments, stigmas and prejudices and I'm/they are saying that one of their own doesn't fit in a particular category because he is different! Have you ever been around one of those reformed smokers who because they quit they can't abide being around another smoker or even the smell of it? Fear of relapse is probably the biggest reason for this, in my opinion. They can't trust themselves to not give into temptation and light up so they site health reasons and all the reason's why we shouldn't smoke (because we aren't aware of them already ;)) to justify acting a certain way. Sometimes my sadness and anger when I see these things happening makes me think the forum should have a disclaimer stating that you must be medication compliant (even if they don't work), non-delusional or positive symptom free and fluent in layman's English to join. To join a schizophrenia forum! I needed to get that out...

Onward to my son. He is inpatient. I had talked to him on Monday and could tell that he wasn't doing any better. Same as the last conversation. I had to repeat everything 3-4 times to get him to answer. I told him about my tattoo and we had a bit of chuckle when he told me that he didn't miss me. I know that may sound a little rude but I have always appreciated my son's honesty on things like that. He did have the good grace to laugh when he said it :) When I told him that he could call me whenever he wanted and asked him why he hadn't called. He just hadn't thought to. He did respond to my 'I love you' and said it back... After he was taken to the hospital I found out that he has been talking to his voices and I guess physically interacting with his hallucinations. Not good. He was almost charged I guess with either assault or domestic violence. He physically hurt his grandmother. I can't say I was surprised at the call, in fact have been waiting for a much worse phone call. Thankfully they haven't pressed charges and he is currently to my knowledge on suicide watch as he stated he would rather die then be taken to the hospital. Due to other details I have gotten access to I can imagine the condition that he is currently in. Paranoid, delusional and thinking that the whole world is out to get him and trampling on his rights.

I have followed through on some of my previous phone calls and attempts to figure out what the next steps should be. It would be extremely helpful if they could come up with the same terminology for the different provinces or even the world as a whole. Substitute Decision Maker, Guardian, Private Committee, Power of Attorney, Section ?... One set for one thing and another set for something else. It doesn't appear that there is one procedure that will cover everything. Then there is the cost! If I could turn back the clock and go back to when he was 16 (or even before) and all this first started, knowing what I know now... So many documents would have been signed! Oh well... Can't go back right?

I have talked to his Dad so hopefully between the two of us we can get our son back on the right track. *fingers crossed* and toes and legs and arms!... I'm still holding back on doing anything legal. I don't want to take my son away from his family where he is if it can be avoided and if it is really where he wants to be. He came to me the last time of his own free will. For now these decisions can wait until my son is stable. Besides I may need what credit I do have if the hospital is lax  or stupid enough in their responsibility to my son to release him again when he shouldn't be.

Mom
BarbieBF

Before and After

We are done painting... for now... Still have the kitchen and doors to do. The kitchen will be done some day :). We have to get a different kind of paint for the doors but honestly neither my hubby or myself are looking forward to tackling those. I did take some before and after pics. Pardon the mess!

This is the living room.

This is the spare bedroom:

Our bedroom, I'm very happy with:

Do you see how high the bed is?! I almost need a footstool to get in it and hubby laughs at me when I slide off until my feet reach the floor. Other then the fact that it seems to collect dust faster then I can blink, I really do love it! By the way, that is an Elvis Presley, Jailhouse Rock Barbie and Pez on my dresser. Along with signed by DJ Fontana drumsticks!

I don't think the before pic of the spare bedroom walls does justice to the difference. My daughter went through a poster phase... Yup, tape all over two walls that I never could get completely off. My son finished the job with his feet wherever his computer desk was. The walls look much better now!

I talked to my son yesterday. While he sounded better then the last time I talked to him which was the day before he was admitted, he still didn't sound very good. He could follow me but was still pretty distracted and I had to repeat a lot of what I was saying. I asked him what pills (medications) he was taking and he told me Clozapine and Lithium but he didn't seem to know the name of the third one. When my son is stable he is pretty on top of the names of his medications so to me this is just another sign of how unwell he still is. I don't know if it's an indication of where he is at mentally or if he is still peeved at me however he wouldn't respond to me telling him that I loved him. Even when things were tough between us we had always managed to hold on to that to some degree. Now he sounds very cold and far away emotionally. Perhaps detached is a better word.  I can't help but wonder if he is abusing percocets or something as even when unstable he is not usually that detached and cold. Even when he was at the shelter, before leaving, he would respond to me telling him that I loved him. Even if he didn't mean it he at least went through the motions. It felt like even doing that was too much for him. I did my best to let him know that I still loved him and despite what we went through that I will always love him, that nothing can change that.

Mom
BarbieBF

Painting, Cleaning, In and Out.

It's been a fairly busy week. Saturday hubby and I decided it's time to start doing some things for ourselves and our apartment. For awhile we were tossing around the idea of moving and now that we can as we finally have clear credit reports!, we have decided not to (at least for now). Go figure right! So in deciding to stay it was time to do some painting and fixing. Between my hubby's work dust and my son's temper tantrums there was some painting and patching up to do. I learned how to use PollyFilla to fill in the knife holes among other things. We haven't gotten to painting these parts yet as it's mostly doors and we are doing those last so fingers crossed I did an ok job. First it was deciding on some neutral colors. We decided on tan for the main living areas and linen for our bedroom and probably the spare bedroom too. So far we have done the entrance way, dining room, living room and our bedroom. I'm impressed, it looks good! Scrubbing the splattered paint off the bedroom floor was fun! As was scrubbing the paint off of the marble window ledges that the lovely painters did before I moved in. Contractors paid by apartment which explains the painted macaroni I discovered when I moved in and went to put my dishes away (I'm serious!). SOS and some elbow grease... Will a lot of elbow grease for me. Going over and over the same spot is my way of cleaning since I'm not really strong enough to get it off that easily. As I told my hubby, it's one of the very few times that I wish that I was a man and/or physically stronger. Honestly I gave up after two window ledges, 3-4 SOS pads and arms that felt like jelly. Getting the paint off the bedroom floor was a lot easier. I have even helped paint some walls which I think is equivalent to a couple of work-outs on my stepper so I don't feel so bad that I haven't done it in awhile ;) I thanked my chiropractor yesterday as a couple of years ago I would not have been able to anywhere near what I have been doing to help. In fact it was painting that got me to a chiropractor in the first place. The straw that broke the camels back combined with 13 year old whiplash, bad posture and a touch of scoliosis in my neck.

Saturday we also went bedroom shopping. What started out as just mattresses turned into a bedroom set. Hubby is tired of us not sleeping in the same bed. Between my insomnia, his sleep apnea and restless leg... I wasn't getting much sleep. I'm on the fence with this though as I have been enjoying have a bed to myself and not being jostled awake by his restless feet! lol Seriously though I do miss having him beside me, sometimes ;) The mattresses we have are old. They were my mother's and like almost everything else in our room is not less then 10-15 years old. I realized that at the age of 42 I have never had a new or matching bedroom set and haven't had a new bed in about 20 years. Yup it was time! I even figured out yesterday how to put off paying for it for like 8 months! A little juggling here and there but it can be done. By that time we should have our finances under control, hopefully, I think I'm seeing a job in my near future...

The bedroom set is supposed to get delivered on Sunday. Even hubby is excited about this. We have actually had fun shopping, painting and cleaning together. Some good old one on one, husband and wife bonding time! Including the nagging from me that he needs to put on his glasses so he can see the messes he is making... paint all over my canisters, the coffee maker, kettle etc. He started doing clean up in the tub. Not sure if we were thinking that we could get the painting all done last weekend. If we were then we were obviously not thinking clearly. We still have the spare bedroom and hallway to do. Really there is no rush though. The priority was getting the bedroom done before Sunday and thoughts of the delivery people scratching a newly painted hallway...

The spare bedroom. It's been my daughter's room, my brother-in-law's room, my son's room and now my hubby's room (until Sunday). I figure it's best to just start calling it the spare room since from day to day I have no idea who is going to be in it anymore.

I have only talked to my son once since he left and that was a fairly useless conversation. He was so 'distracted' that he could barely answer a simple question. Last Friday he was admitted to hospital. I still don't know why... Not that it matters now. I'm guessing it was for psychosis related reasons? Yesterday he was released. I sometimes wonder how much more disappointed I can get in the system but that is probably not a question I want answered. To quote Elvis Presley during the (19) '68 Comeback Special, "Never ceases to amaze me. Baby" There is no way, in my opinion, that he was stable enough after barely a week of being medication compliant. He was released after three weeks during his last hospitalization and was barely stable. The chances of him staying medication compliant when he currently has zero insight is slim to none. Unfortunately I didn't find out that he was getting released or that anyone was trying to release him until it was too late. It seems no one thinks that keeping me informed on what is happening with my son is important. I keep asking myself why I would expect any different? (Yes, perhaps I do need a little cheese with my whine)

A week ago I was pretty determined on what my next steps were going to be. I have gathered information on what it is that I want to do and I have contacted a lawyer and got some advise on the steps I should take and who I should contact. Yet, I find myself hesitating... I'm hesitating because of my son. If everyone, including him, is so determined to keep him mentally unwell or psychotic then perhaps I should let it happen. I must say it really irks me to even say that however until he can reach a point where he can see that the choices that he is making, and consequences, are doing him more harm then good then I'm fighting an uphill battle that may not be the right thing for right now. If it was just him... However it's not just him. As long as he has the support that he currently has and wants, albeit for the wrong reasons (no boundaries, rules or expectations), then it makes advocating for his mental well-being a lot harder. It's like having a leaky roof that does damage to your walls so you paint your walls, over and over instead of fixing the leaky roof. How much advocating or painting can I do if the leak in the roof is not being attended to? But what irritates me is that now no one is trying to fix that leaky roof and damage is being done even if it can't be seen.

My biggest fear is that by not doing anything, I am in fact, making the wrong decision. Hopefully I will know when to step in and deal with my son's resentment and hopefully it will not be too late.

Mom
BarbieBF