Loss and Life Changes

It's been a month of changes that are still in the process of happening.

A month ago we lost my son-in-law to an unfortunate accident which set the wheels in motion for a lot of changes for all of us.

I am no longer Nanny to my grandson as he is now in daycare. He has adjusted wonderfully to the change. It's taking me a little more time however I'm getting there.

My daughter is about to start a new journey of being on her own, in her own place. She is also expecting a little girl in February. I'm going to have a granddaughter!

Hubby and I had to make some difficult choices on what to do next as we were in a bit of bind on where to go. Financially it was a pretty bad year for us so we didn't appear to have many options or resources available to us. With some nudging on my hubby's part we looked into the idea of buying a year round trailer to live in. With God's help and a lot of praying we got financing for a used fifth wheel RV.

Hubby applied for his pension just over a month ago and we are currently waiting for that to start paying. Praying we get the paperwork in the mail soon so that we have an income coming in. I'm looking into going back to work so that hubby doesn't have to. The next month will be a bit of juggling until things get straightened out.

The church that we belong to has been a great source of strength and help. Sometimes it's hard to not feel alone however with my faith in God and the people from church coming together in our time of need, it has been an uplifting experience of hope.

The next week or so will be us going through everything we own as we have to downsize a lot. The RV is fully furnished with not a lot of storage space so it's time to 'clean house'.

My son is doing great. I sometimes smile at the realization that he is the least of my concerns and handling his own life pretty good. He's being med compliant and even following through on his own with making calls etc to get his blood work done. I warned him last night that he may not want to visit me next week as I probably won't have any internet. He still wants to come.

I would have to check the date however I'm a year clean sometime this month! Yah me!

Until next time...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

An apology...

I have debated deleting some of my blog posts as they have perhaps been a bit to harsh. While I try not to, a lot of the times when I blog it's because I'm feeling overwhelmed with things and I find this a great outlet. Of course being a public blog, anyone can read it... I have thought about changing that as well however that is just my emotions getting in the way again.

So while I am not deleting anything, I am deeply sorry that anything that I have written has caused my daughter any pain or upset.

Regardless of anything that I have written, my daughter is and always has been someone that I look up to. None of us are perfect, certainly not myself. I know I still have a long ways to go to be the person that I want to be.

As for my daughter... A phrase I have always liked: Perfectly imperfect. She's beautiful inside and out. She has a heart of gold and has forgiven me more then any mother could hope for. With her to lead the way I am now over 6 months clean and I have found my faith. She has given me a precious gift of being grandmother.

So to my daughter: I hope that you will always know how much I love you and what having you in my life means to me. I really wouldn't change any of it.

Love Mom.

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Relationships, Church, Recovery and live goes on.

I will start with my son... He is good. Still smoking too much marijuana and drinking too much. Not to sure what it will take to change that. We pick him up from his Nanna's on Sunday after church and after he is done work and he spends the night. He works 2 days a week and is taking his medications. I am grateful for the mental health system as he is still under it and therefor medication compliant which as far as I can see what is keeping him stable.

Hubby and I go to church every Sunday. Slowly I am taking on some of the responsibility of church media. I am rediscovering my relationship with God. In all honesty it may be the only relationship that is making much sense to me right now and helping me to deal with the ones that aren't making any sense.

Hubby and I seem up and down on a daily basis. More down then up... I don't know what is happening with him and there is a part of me that doesn't want to figure it out anymore.

As I try to learn some scripture and how to walk in life following his teachings... I'm trying to learn how to take myself, or my emotions, out of the picture as it's usually our emotions that confuse things. His are all over the place and normally negative. So as I try to keep myself in a place of calm I find myself having to pull away. Not a good thing I guess when it's your marriage however it's that or we are both negative and I no longer want to be a part of living life in such a way.

Part of rediscovering my relationship with God is learning to have faith and trust in his ability to take care of things. I, of course, am have trouble with that as I'm a bit of a control freak when it comes to having control over the things I'm expected to be responsible for. However therein also lies the answer. I am not responsible for.... anything except my own-self and reactions.

Then there is my relationship with my daughter, her hubby and their son. I think my daughter and I are both experiencing adjustment issues and even at times regret. Or maybe it's just me... It's hard to tell as there is so much I can't say to her. That's not true... I can however her reactions are generally pretty strong. I struggle with understanding that as it seems that others can say so much more to her with less reaction yet I've been the one that has always been the most understanding and non-judgmental. Perhaps that in itself is the problem. I really don't know anymore.

So I find myself yet again trying to take myself out of the equation. Well how do I do that when we are all sharing the same home. It's tough. There is so much that I see that I am so disappointed to see. Trust me I don't expect to see them being the perfect parents as none of us are and as grandparents we generally get the opportunity to try to do better then we did as parents. However there are still minimum expectations that one should have of being sober parents and I don't see them.

Which brings me to recovery. I am now 4 months clean from drugs. That has been the easiest if you can believe that. My cravings are usually dependent on what is happening around me emotionally. Which is also why I find myself pulling away from a lot. I know that I have probably disappointed my daughter in that I have not been attending recovery meetings with her. I thought that it would be something that I would need however it's not as addiction is the least of my concerns. Also I have been through it all before and regardless of using or not, most of the steps are how I've tried to live my life for a long time. It's just not something that I feel that I need right now.

Recovery for me is so much more then just not using. It's changing the way you think, act and react. It's taking responsibility for your own actions and choices.

One day I made a comment to my hubby regarding how many cigarettes I was smoking. I told him that as long as he put them in front of me, I would smoke them. I did the same thing with cocaine. For months I blamed my addiction on him. I couldn't get clean because he was bringing it home... He stopped bringing it home once I took responsibility for my own actions and made the choice to no longer have it in my life, period.

As to what I see here... My own opinion of course. I see people living an addicts life, sober. Meaning not much is changing with respect to taking responsibility for one's actions and trying to be better. How do I tell my daughter and hubby, nicely, that it's like they are in competition on who can be the worst... That because one does wrong it doesn't mean the other does wrong too. In the end it's my grandson that is losing and honestly it is driving me nuts.

I have seriously questioned my decision to be here in the last 3 months. I have come to terms with that and I am glad that I came. It's just the day to day dealings that I do struggle with. I moved her not to room and board and share a whole house but to rent a separate basement suite. That hasn't worked out so well so far. My kitchen is the laundry room. So basically I have a barely functioning kitchen and so far little has been done to correct that.

I do however have new floors in my living room. The house has fleas and we have been trying really hard to get rid of them as my own cat has herself chewed raw. Treating the cats is not enough when they are still in the home so we have been ripping up all the old carpets. Hubby took out the ones in our living room and his room. Yes we still have our own room ;). My daughter's hubby then laid some hardwood floor in my living room. On this I would say hubby and I were both impressed. He is really good at what he does and did a really good job. They have now started ripping up the carpets upstairs as well.

I babysit my grandson... My daughter started work a couple of months ago which I'm very proud of her. While taking care of him is a joy that I am so grateful to have in my life it is also hard at times. Most of the time I don't even know day to day if I'm babysitting. While I want them to be able to rely on me to be there I also don't want to be taken for granted and just assume that whenever they need, I'm there, with no warning.

I'm off for now. Time to make a fresh coffee...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

This circus has 2 Ringleaders

I think I'm just going to have to accept that my life is never going to be without it's complications.

A couple of days ago I meet with my counselor from the ADAPT program for addiction.

Without going into all the dirty details... I found out that my husband and daughter were using drugs together. I found out that my husband didn't go and stay clean 4 years ago like I thought he did. I found out that everyone but me knew that he was using and helped him and my daughter to keep it from me.  I know right... 3 months later and yeah it still hurts big time. However it is getting better.

Some may be thinking: leave him, kick him out....

Whether you believe addiction is a disease or not, it's not something that I believe in turning my back on family for. After-all I'm an addict too and well I ended up relapsing too. Sad yes I know. Basically 15 years clean of my drug of choice and I'm back struggling with urges that I thought were long in my past.

So even if I did leave my husband. That still leaves my daughter. Like the title says: This circus has 2 Ringleaders: Senior is my husband, Junior is my daughter. It also has an 11 month old baby that needs his family.

I understand addiction, which helps, however it's not helping me with my feelings of betrayal, hurt and of course the anger. Honestly thinking back I couldn't have coped without something. Using helped me to be able to think about it all without completely losing it. In hindsight I guess a prescription of Valium or Perks would have been the more logical choice or at least the choice that wouldn't have ended up with my daughter making the choice to put her son in foster care.

Still I find myself not regretting the choice to use with my husband. Amidst all the rest, jealousy reared it's ugly head. Jealousy that my daughter had a relationship with my husband that I wasn't a part of or even understood. Using comes with a certain amount of intimacy. An intimacy that my husband and I had long lost. Now I know why but for the past say two years I couldn't understand what was happening or why.

As with any addiction it's progressive. As time was going by the family unit was dying. There was no family time of watching our TV shows like we used to during the week after dinner. No spending the weekends together. Everyone was busy... I was home, with the baby most of the time, being 'the curtain'. The person that was helping to present to the rest of the world and The Children's Aid Society the happy, stable, functioning lie that everything was ok.

What happened when I joined that circus? It seems I became the bad guy for a lot of people. Everyone was ok with me being in the dark and being lied to. Not so much ok with me letting the curtain fall and all hell break lose. Well tough shit I say!

I'm done being everyone else's pillar or curtain or justification for any of their choices.

So many emotions I'm still struggling with. So many times I have heard from different people since I found out that they are so happy that I now know because they didn't like lying to me. Really! Great, thanks! Now that everyone else is absolved of feeling any guilt over their actions... Yes I still sometimes wonder how they can look me in the face at all. Like I said I understand addiction but that doesn't really help that much. The lying and manipulations are a choice and don't have to be a part of using.

There are so many things from the past couple of years that at the time I was so utterly confused and frustrated about because I couldn't understand what was going on. It was all just making me feel like a failure... Nothing I was doing was right or helping or fixing what I could see was falling apart but like I said: didn't know why.

So many situations that have been tainted with the truth of it all. One being my wedding. I'm pretty sure they all feel pretty good about the fact that they were all apparently without drugs on my special day. Not saying much for the rest of the trip or the fact that my husband and his brother couldn't seem to get it together enough to even dress themselves properly. I can now think about that day and look at pictures and still feel some form of happiness that it was my wedding day. I still love my wedding dress!

I finally got around to tidying up my basement and starting a new puzzle. I love doing puzzles. Our basement walls are covered in the puzzles we have as a family done together... unfortunately I was the only straight one doing them. For a bit I couldn't look at them without wanting to take them all down. The puzzle I started is a new one that has nothing to do with the past. My own form of therapy.

There are more... I've asked my counselor with ways to cope with the short term feelings of hurt and anger that overcome me when certain things come to light. We will discuss these next week. As time goes by there will be more situations that will make sense now that I have a clue.

From the start my daughter has said to me: How could you have not know? You had blinders on. I say: No, not really. One can't see what one doesn't know. How could I know the difference between my husband or her for that matter, using and not using if they were never clean?

Now I'm working on getting some structure back into my own life. Getting back into using my stepper and exercising. I started back doing my inside sales job a couple of days ago. Eating right, sleeping right. Back on my anti-depressants.

Most of all, wanting to find a way to get my grandson back with family, however that might look like. My daughter is currently living in a dry-group home. Which means they monitor for drugs and alcohol. Baby-daddy is currently living with me. Another complicated situation. Visitation at the moment is one day a week at my place and one day a week with my daughter at the group home. The times should go up with each passing week as long as we all stay clean.

Not sure how all that is going to play out. My daughter needs to be in her own place in order to get her son back full time. Or back here but she seems pretty determined that my place is not a safe place. I say: bullshit! How safe my place is, is on her own choices and always have been. She will have to make the same choices here or on her own when it comes to using. But for the moment these are not my choices to make. I'm really hoping that given the time her and baby-daddy will get their son back.

Now for some good news! My son is doing really good. I guess just over a month ago, he was transferred to a group home. Yes a big step. A lot more freedom however still with structure when it comes to taking his medications. He calls me once or twice a week. Usually just to talk about what is going on with his laptop and the games that he is playing.

Time for a fresh cup of coffee and my Facebook games!

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Proverbial Housewife

Yes that's me....

The one that is sitting at home putting away groceries and doing laundry while everyone else is off doing their thing.

My daughter is at the mall, 'running away from home' or me. Dare I say, being a brat.

Something that I haven't shared about the amazing birth of my grandson is that several days after his birth I became his primary caregiver.

As of yesterday I am now supervisor... In my eyes I don't really see much of a distinction in the two roles as my daughter is still limited to two or three hours a day of unsupervised time with her son.

I feel stuck. Stuck in a situation of my own choosing because of the things that I think are important. Family.

Over the last several months I have heard more times than I can count phrases like: You're a homebody and don't like to go out. You are home anyways. You want to be home. You don't like going on these outings.

Yes I'm a homebody. I love my home and have little reason to seek enjoyment or anything else outside of it. That doesn't mean that I don't enjoy getting out of it. That doesn't mean that there aren't times when I want to 'run away' from the stress and responsibilities that are here. That doesn't mean that I don't want to spend some one on one time going for a drive with my husband.

My daughter and I have been butting heads for the last little bit. Mom speaking up doesn't seem to go over well with my children. :)

Any relationship needs a certain amount of give and take. Right now I'm feeling like a much worn out doormat. Feed him, change him, put him to bed, babysit... But don't tell me that I'm not burping him right (at all), getting up with him or question any of the other decisions that I'm making.

If she was living on her own then making decisions on what items to get rid of or what trips she would like to take or even her sleep schedule would be completely in her control and the consequences of those decisions would be completely on here. Such is not currently the case.

Yesterday it was about how she was feeding him. Today I have set her off by commenting on the fact that she is wanting to give away something that I use every morning to feed her son. Is it hers to give away? Absolutely. That's not really the point. Being an adult doesn't mean making decisions without taking other people into consideration. Certainly not the people that are there everyday. However when I say something I'm treating her like a child.

The other thing that is gnawing at me is money. I'm not asking for a lot considering we are helping out with pretty much everything. So yes when I see/hear my daughter talking about doing things with her money when I'm looking at the fact that we don't have enough money right now to cover what is coming out on the 1st, I tend to get a bit edgy.

When I comment on these types of things well she gets to go to the mall while I get dropped off at home to put away the groceries. When I let lose some of that frustration my husband walks out slamming the door.

Why did it frustrate me that she was going to the mall? She doesn't have a key so even as she is getting away from me and my criticism she is counting on me to be there when she gets home. Why? Because I love being at home. How much you wanna bet that right now I would rather be somewhere else?

Guess what... Where am I going to go and with whom? I don't have any friends. I don't have a life outside of the home because years ago I made the choice to leave my job, stay at home and eventually dedicate my life to my family.

My husband gave her his key. Called and asked if I wanted to go with him on his next drive about. My first thought: Hell yeah! Guess what? That will be leaving my daughter unsupervised for a lot longer then two or three hours. I'm the only one that thinks like that. :(

Recently she was visiting family and I'm pretty sure got used to barely being supervised at all. No that wasn't a good thing... She did however become more comfortable in the role of motherhood. That tends to happen when you are expected to do...

Now the honeymoon phase of her return is over and I'm trying to yet again find that balance between support and enabling.

Why can't I expect to be treated like others? Given a certain amount of respect and consideration? Not be lashed out at just because I make a comment that isn't to her liking? Why can't I expect her to step up without all the attitude?

So yeah as I listen to my daughter and husband talk about her working outside of the home. Getting baby daddy a job. My daughter looking down on the job I do have because I don't get paid frequently. My husband saying: Why can't you get a job?

Yes I guess I could if I wasn't the proverbial housewife.

Anyways, some laundry is calling my name. Thanks for listening.

Mom
Gramma
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Who needs toddlers when....

you have three, one of them a frisky not yet a year old, cats?

Just sitting her listening to Frosty run around, bugging the other two cats while he has one of his frisky moments as I call them. Where nothing is safe and nowhere is out of reach!

I know I haven't been around. Sorry about that... Yesterday I popped onto blogger and noticed the number of times my pages have been viewed. They are all over 400 views! Wow.

I have about an hour in between work shifts so thought I would stop in and say hi. *waves*

I hope that everyone is doing ok, or at least surviving.

Sometimes I feel a bit guilty for not coming here often however for right now my life is not about schizophrenia or mental illness and honestly I'm loving it. I'm sure there will come a time when I'm yet again living and breathing schizophrenia and therefore pouring my soul out here but for right now life is good.

If you are reading, I'm sure you are wondering how my son is doing. Not bad actually. He calls fairly regularly and sometimes when he doesn't want anything. ;)

Financially I'm not helping him much. I try to send him cigarettes every couple of weeks as I know he doesn't have much spending money. He's in a long term treatment facility. He has his own room and a fair amount of freedom providing he follows the rules. If he gets drug tested and it comes back positive then he loses some privileges. His medications are being administered to him. As far as I know he is still on Clozapine and Lithium.

As part of some of the programs or services they provide there, he participates in doing things that pay him a small fee. He goes out on outings like snow boarding.

Recently he started a medication that is supposed to help with alcohol cravings. I haven't looked up which medication. The last time I talked to him I asked him why he was doing it because not wanting to drink doesn't sound like my son to me. He agreed that he didn't want to stop drinking but his doctor wanted him to try it so he is. My theory is that he is hoping that it will get him transferred out of there faster if he does what they want. Either way if it helps... Regardless of his motivation it shows that he is able to look at long term goals and what is needed to achieve them.

I can't wait for tomorrow...

My daughter and grandson have been away since before Christmas! We will be picking them up at the airport tomorrow morning. Can't wait to hold that baby in my arms! My daughter too. ;)

Hubby and I are doing great. As much as we are looking forward to tomorrow morning, we have very much enjoyed our one on one time.

Going to go warm up my coffee and head back to work. I'll try not to be such a stranger...

Love
BarbieBF
Mom
Grandma

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Blueberry to Kiwi and a heartbeat.

Say hello to the newest member of our family. Fur-baby Kiwi.

At first my daughter named her Blueberry as her eyes were blue however I'm guessing just as human babies are usually born with blue eyes that change color, so too do kittens.

It has taken some time for Gucci to adjust as she can be a bit of a tyrant where Gucci is concerned. Gucci seems to be her favorite toy and Gucci's tail her favorite thing to stalk. On a good note, Gucci is getting more exercise! Now Gucci tolerates her napping beside her.

Yes I know, Gucci is a bit overweight. About 2 pounds according to the last vet visit. I have cut down on her wet food so hopefully she will lose a bit.

Kiwi has taken a liking to sleeping on my pillow when she sleeps with me. Gucci always wakes me up in the morning, usually between 5:30-6:30, by licking, head-butting or little nips on my ear if I ignore her too long. This morning I woke up to Kiwi on my pillow licking one side of my face and Gucci on the other side of pillow licking the other side of my face. Hard to wake up in a bad mood when you are being greeted with that!

2 weeks ago my daughter had her first appointment with the OBGYN. Neither one of us was expecting to hear what we did. The baby's heartbeat. We both cried... She has her first ultrasound appointment tomorrow.

My daughter is currently upstairs, in bed. She should be on her way to school. My daughter is being my daughter... Doing things the hard way. For the past 2 weeks she has only attended school 2 days each week.

Hubby called this morning to ask if she was up and should he text her. No. She only lies anyways and says she is up when she isn't. According to her she isn't lying because she sticks her foot of the bed so therefor her foot is up. Cute the first couple of times... Now, not so much. I have no intentions of ruining my mornings by calling and calling her until she gets snippy about it. It's her schooling and her tuition that she will have to pay back.

It's somewhat hard to not get pissy about her old group of friends that insist on contributing to her being up late, talking on the phone, however I lay the blame where it belongs, at her feet. I may not have to worry about that one too much shortly though. I have been telling her that I'm not going to pay her phone bill if it keeps up. I guess soon they are going to cut off outgoing calls. Good.

The other thing is Netflix. She watches it til all hours of the night/morning. I have been warning her that she won't be able to watch it on my internet... Last night I disconnected it. She can watch it on her phone however she will just be running up a bigger bill.

I didn't see her yesterday. She stayed in her room all day and didn't come out until I went to bed, even though I called her for dinner. *sigh*

Diagnosed, non-diagnosed...! ;)

Friday my son was taken to the long-term treatment facility. His Nana called crying that he was gone... I told her half way through the conversation that it's a good thing I'm a calm person and asked: Gone where? before I reacted. He has called me a couple of times to ask for money. Last night I asked him if he would sign a consent for me to talk to his doctor there. No, he wants to keep everything between him and his doctor. He asked if I would send out the laptop. I told him that I'm not comfortable with it being where I can't keep an eye on it. He could easily sell a $3000 laptop for $100 if he wanted marijuana bad enough. Then he suggested that perhaps he should come back here. Only if power of attorney is signed which is apparently against his religion. He agreed it is. :)

As for how he is. It's hard to tell. From what his Nana tells me, not good at all. He denies having any hallucination symptoms, voices etc when talking to me. He sounds fairly in the present however it's only for short periods that I'm talking to him.

Need to get ready for work...

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Embracing what is.

It's been awhile... Sorry about that.

I remember when I was younger someone telling me they wanted to grow old gracefully. I didn't understand that then however I think I get it now. Except I prefer to think of it as embracing what is and what is to come. We are going to age no matter what. It's how we choose to deal with those changes that I guess would be the graceful part.

Granted I'm not that old yet. I'm only 43 and I don't look 43. When I'm out with my children we usually get asked if we are siblings. Kind-of cool right? Perhaps. However I'm coming into another stage of my life and I want to embrace it. I am embracing it. Are you ready?

I'm going to be a grandma! I'm so excited about this. My daughter is going to have a baby!

I know I haven't been around much lately. Here or on my Facebook page or anywhere else for that matter. Life has been pretty full lately. Work is going good and keeping me busy during the days. Winter is here. My daughter is here! She came home to have her baby and to do her schooling. She has orientation on Friday and starts classes next week. I think she is about 8 weeks along and dealing with some nausea.

Some have reservations about her being here. About her having a baby so young. I just shake my head and wonder if they have all blocked out where we were when we had our babies. I remember where me and my kids dad where when my first was born. Living with my mother. Certainly not any older or more mature. Concerns about me mothering her too much. Haha! I plan to! There are times when a girl needs her mom and this is one of them. There are times when a girl needs to be mothered and accepted with no reservations and this is one of them. Soon enough she will have to take on the responsibility of being a mother herself. For now I will more then gladly take on the responsibility of being her mother, of putting her first, because it's been a long time since anyone did that for her. For her, not just because of the baby. Her world has been turned upside down. I will do my best to turn it upside right. :)

So taking prenatal vitamins and B6 for nausea is now part of our daily dinnertime routine. We are waiting on the referral to the baby doctor for her first appointment. Boy or girl? There is always a debate on that one. I only know that I started dreaming about a little girl that reminded me of my daughter sometime last year... Either way I can't wait!

Hubby has been embracing this as well. He is looking forward to going through it all with her. Due to the weather he hasn't been working a lot lately so when he is home he takes her with him when he is out scooting around from place to place.

As you may remember from one of my earlier posts, I have been trying to grow my hair out and go natural. So yes grey. The other day I got a hair cut, short. Took off all the old blond so now it's just my natural blend. My daughter doesn't particularly like it but hubby and I love it. I like the grey. I also got a new pair of glasses as my eyesight took a bit of a dive. I got progressive bifocals. Bifocals without the line.

As for my son. Not a lot has changed. He is still in the hospital waiting to go into the treatment center whenever they have a bed available. He calls me once or twice a month to ask for money. I don't know a lot about his treatment as he still hasn't signed a release for me and for the most part no one else including himself seems that aware of what meds he is on or doses etc. His grandmother did manage to find out for me recently that the long acting injection he is on is Haldol. It seems they have taken him off the Olanzapine and lowered his Lithium. He isn't fairing so well from what I have been told. Audio, visual and tactile hallucinations. Personally I think he is using marijuana however I seem to be the only one willing to acknowledge that. He is drinking alcohol of course whenever he gets the chance.

I'm off... Have some things to do before I start work.

Mom/Grandma
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Ashes! Ashes! We all fall down.

I don't have a lot of time before I start work however I felt like doing a quick blog post.

I think I have referenced the above nursery rhyme before. Sadly it's one of those cycles that we/I seem to keep getting caught in. I keep saying that I don't want to play this game anymore. It seems the only way I can make that happen is to quite literally remove myself or as I did on Wednesday, remove my son.

He did end up going to the liquor store and got 4 bottles of alcohol. A nice variety: vodka, southern comfort, fireball whiskey and sour puss liquor. I had no idea. I began to get an idea however when I asked him to clean up his mess in the kitchen and got threatened with being hit and he tossed his candy all over the kitchen counter and floor. A little while later I looked into the back yard and he was lying there with an almost empty bottle of sour suss beside him. That got tossed right away. He didn't seem concerned about it. Why would he be? He had 3 more bottles to go.

I sat at my desk and asked myself if I was prepared and willing to do what I wanted to do next. Yes. I called the police. Like I explained to the lady on the phone, I really didn't feel like I had many, if any, options left. At the rate he was going there was a big chance I would be calling the police soon if not that day anyways and the outcome probably wouldn't have been very pretty.

They attended. One of them was periodically an idiot in my opinion. When I told him that there was open alcohol stashed on the grounds he didn't seem that interested in doing anything about it. Or should I say motivated to actually walk his ass anywhere to find it. There was kids around playing. I let him know that if a kid got into it then it was on his head. I still don't get how it's not his job to enforce the law of no open alcohol in public or drinking in public. But hey...

My son at this point was quit intoxicated which was very clear by his face and speech. After I removed the sour puss, I'm guessing he went for the vodka since I still haven't found that bottle. He insisted on lying to me and the police when asked about the alcohol. By the way, I have the liquor store receipt from that morning which I found stashed behind his TV stand.

I stood there, looking at the officers, managing to hold my cool and my emotions, while they asked me what it is that I wanted them to do. Did I want him removed from the home. Since he wasn't at that moment being violent... Gotta love the system! Can't prevent violence only get involved once it happens. Call them back if he does get violent with me.

Of course my son is saying there is no more alcohol which was a lie. He is saying he is done drinking for now. I'm standing there... Thinking to myself I have done what I can do. I have asked anyone that I could think of to ask for advise on what I was supposed to do and handle this type of situation. It was up to me if I wanted to call in the police. Well I took that step and I stood behind it. I asked them to remove him from the home.

They did. I do believe he got charged a fine of some sort for being intoxicated in public then he was released to the shelter once he was sober enough I guess for them to accept him.

Now it's Friday and I have heard from him a couple of times. Asking for a ride to get smokes since he didn't want to spend all of his money on expensive cigarettes. Asking for money for a plane ticket back out to British Columbia. And of course there is the fact that I will owe him money at the end of the month when I receive the room and board portion of his disability payment.

Money, money, money...

I haven't heard from anyone else which tells me a lot. Having been through this as many times as I have been, the quieter it is and the less I'm hearing from people, pretty much tells me what I need to know.

My daughter called me on Wednesday asking what happened. I love her dearly but she can be pretty transparent. She has this way of asking... It's not her asking. I try really hard not to react because none of this is on her. Still it's hard when she wants to get in the middle when she has no idea what is going on or what I have been dealing with. She asked if I was prepared for him going back out there and commented that she guessed she was going to have to get another job. Isn't it awesome that an 19 year old is going to try to financially help take on the responsibility of 2 adults that are older then her.

My only response is for them to do whatever they feel is necessary. Please don't call me for money. I just sent her money because she said she didn't have money for personal hygiene products and cigarettes until pay day. It looks like I have some more boundary setting ahead of me.

Yesterday I had a shower that I actually enjoyed. I didn't even realize until I was in the shower that it's been months since I had a shower and relaxed in it. Always having my guard up, my listening ears on and making sure my purse or anything else of consequence was hopefully in a safe place.

I cleaned up the back yard. I have been avoiding it because my son has been treating it like a garbage can and I was constantly picking up garbage and cleaning up spit etc.

I have been going to bed and leaving my purse in the living room.

There is a part of me that is honestly reveling in the freedom of being able to enjoy and relax in my own home. I can breathe. Hubby and I can spend time in the living room together. We have been going to bed right after dinner lately because it was easier. I can work without worrying about paying attention to what my son was doing or having to stop to clean up his vomit or making sure he wasn't masturbating again out front. What can I say... Yes it feels good.

The mom in me however is make no mistake about it, heart-broken.

I just don't want to fall down anymore.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Learning to be thankful for...

my antidepressants...

Around 3 PM yesterday I thought to myself: I'm glad I'm on these ;)

Yesterday was my birthday...

I would have to say the highlight of my day was my daughter calling me. She's pretty awesome! I really wish that there was more that I could do when it comes to her and where she finds herself.

At one point yesterday I told my hubby that I wished I had a private jet. Honestly if I did have a private jet and wasn't on my antidepressants... The day probably wouldn't have ended well ;)

On Facebook I'm part of a sharing group that helps mental health pages grow. It's a great group. When I'm sharing items through this group I follow the rules as they are. I guess I'm not following the rules when I share outside of the group. In my way of thinking what I do outside of the group is my personal choice. I don't have to share the pages that are a part of this group, on my own, if I don't want to. I do because I want to show support. Should I have to follow the rules of the group on my personal time? Personally I don't think so however that doesn't seem to matter. The problem is arising not from articles or posts that these pages are putting up that are their own but from things they themselves are sharing from other pages. I can only relate based on my own page. If I put up an article from some other site or page then why would I want credit for it? I don't. It's not mine. With the last incident I happened to share something that lots of pages were sharing, I just happened to pick a page from the group to share from, thinking that I was helping them...

I get a message from the groups admin what I was doing wrong and that perhaps it was time we part ways... I was shocked. Really? Because I shared something on my own, outside of the group, and didn't say via: 'page' then I'm not following the rules. I responded and tried to post publicly in the group my answer... It was deleted. Makes me wonder how many others are experiencing the same type of censorship.

Also I'm being told that I don't have enough original content or pictures as admin has already liked all of my pictures. There are pages with a lot less then mine which is why I'm thinking they are going through the same ordeal. I can only guess as if they tried to post publicly in the group chances are it got deleted just like mine did.

My response included what I have been doing to participate and some insight into my life recently. I got told that it sounds like I need to take a break and perhaps spend some time on my blog. ;) Ok... It sometimes amazes me that when someone actually speaks up or out that the response is 'You need a break.' Like getting mad over a perceived injustice is not allowed...

Anyways I got over it to a certain degree. Made more pictures. Loaded my page with content from pages that I have managed to find on my own where I don't have to spend the extra time tagging a page that doesn't even own the content. Don't get me wrong I still love the group. It's theme and idea is awesome...

I'm still thinking it over and about how much time I have to invest... Maybe it is time I made my own path.

While I was on the phone with my daughter, Nana called me and left a message. We haven't spoken since my son was in the shelter last time. We probably shouldn't have spoken yesterday either ;)

The message stated that there seems to be some sort of misunderstanding and that my son was not going there. I played the message for my son because I'm beyond tired of this.

After reading my last blog post I guess it became evident that something wasn't right between what my son was saying and what seemed to be happening. These are duh moments for me because to me that's fairly obvious. It all gets more confusing because there are three people with three different viewpoints and opinions on the same situation. Of all that I wrote in my last post (or said), one sentence becomes the center of attention and sadly that sentence was even confused.

"I asked my son if financially his Nana and I were the same and I couldn't provide him with the things that I do, would he want to stay with me?"

I did not say or ask: Do you want to live with Nana... I could be wrong but I'm thinking that even anyone reading my blog would probably know me good enough at this point to realize that I would be hard pressed to let that happen...

While I understand that Nana is trying to give my son a safe place it doesn't change the fact that in handling things a certain way that it gives my son the opportunity and means to stay sick. I can try to see the viewpoint and to a certain degree I do... I also see what it is causing to happen.

Nana sees that my son is cycling again... Yes he is. The problem is that by hedging around the truth , I think, this is contributing to my son cycling. It's addiction that is causing this however it's like saying: Oh well, he fell off the wagon again... Yes if you hand him a bottle he will fall off the wagon.

Other things were said... I hung up when I was basically asked to justify why I even talked to him about it all in the first place due to my insecurities... At this point I thought: What's the point? I'm not insecure. Trying to talk to my son about our relationship and where I stand with him is my right as his mother.

A little while later my son comes to me and asks me why Nana wants him to pet a horse... Bets me. I told him the same thing I told her. If they want to have a relationship based on lies or half truths or delusional thinking or whatever you want to call it, that's between them.

Now I get to watch my son be even more confused because he is getting contradictory information. In his eyes his Nana is telling him that he can go there and based on what she said to me, I can totally see where he got that idea. If you knew my son even a little bit, not saying no is the same as saying yes. Now throw in the phone message which goes against all that. So now my son is telling me that he doesn't understand why Nana changed her mind. She didn't... She just didn't have the heart to tell him no...

So addiction is ruling the roost right now. My son can't get benzos prescribed here with me in Ontario. He can in British Columbia. As of Tuesday he is refusing to take any Olanzapine. Ask my son if having a psychotic break is worth it if it means getting relief from his addiction cravings? He doesn't see his breaks as a bad thing. He doesn't care about the long term affects because he doesn't see past what he is currently feeling. I saw the after affects of his last break and how at one point he didn't even know how to put on a hat...

I don't know... I just can't love him in a way that will enable this to happen again if it can be stopped. This is another area that Nana and I butt heads over other then the tough love/unconditional love. Labels. Yes I get that no one wants to be labeled. Let's remove the label schizophrenia... hmm that doesn't stop my son from having schizophrenia does it? We can turn our backs on labels however we can't turn our backs on reality. It doesn't care if we label it or pretend like it isn't there... It is what it is...

I sometimes wonder what my readers think of my blog... Most of the feedback I get is from Nana and sometimes my daughter who gets her information/ideas about my blog from Nana. So many times even what I blog about gets messed up and I keep thinking as I blog and read and re-read, this makes sense and shouldn't get misunderstood... And then it gets misunderstood. It is my writing or is it one person's interpretation?

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

'Normal' Sick

I hope everyone had a good Easter weekend. Ours was pretty quiet as my son has been sick with what appears to be a stomach flu for the past couple of days. The good part of this is he hasn't been drinking ;) Friday night he asked me about Benadryl as he recalled getting it while inpatient September 2013 and that it helped him with sleep and I guess withdrawal. Saturday I remembered that I had some from when my hubby had an allergic reaction so he I gave him some. It seemed to help with his withdrawal/cravings for alcohol however it didn't help with the stomach flu that he was about to have symptoms of. Saturday and Sunday he had a low grade fever, nausea and diarrhea.

Several times he spoke about going to the hospital because he 'felt like he was dying'. Yes being sick can feel like that ;) We kept an eye on his temperature and I made him toast, tea... I don't know if I can explain what it feels like to be able to parent a 'normal' sickness. Easy. Comforting. No second guessing myself. As long as the Tylenol was keeping his fever down and it didn't go over 100. As long as he was hydrated. Pepto for the nausea and diarrhea. Got this! Easy...

He is much better today and no fever since Saturday night. He got some extra attention. I spent a little more time rubbing his back which he has been asking me to do lately, as well as scratching his head ;) Saturday night we watched TV with his head in my lap. I have been somewhat bemused at myself that my son being sick has felt... I don't know what word to use. Good? Normal?

Saturday hubby and my son got their hair cut. My son needed it and I had been bringing it up for a bit. He looks so much better. Next we need to tackle his beard. He wants a long beard. That's fine if one keeps them clean...

So, knock on wood, my son hasn't drank since Tuesday. He was on his way out to the liquor store Saturday when I told him that hubby and I were going shopping for things for the backyard and if he was drinking he couldn't come. His choice. He decided to come and that is when we thought we would try the Benadryl to help with withdrawal and cravings. He ended up having to come home after the haircut and he didn't go back out like I thought he was going to.

Hubby and I did get a barbecue and a patio set. That took two trips to Walmart and my goodness the line ups... Easter weekend. I was thinking about getting a fire pit but we can't as they aren't allowed where we live.

Talked to my daughter for a bit. Poor girl... Life just keeps throwing her curve balls. She is another story that I will probably delve into one day. 'A bag of worms' I'm not willing to open yet ;)

I think I have good news... I'm trying to stay hopeful and not let negative thinking that 'It sounds to good to be true' get in the way. I have a job... It's work from home and the pay is pretty good. I'm waiting on the employment contract to hopefully make some things a little more clearer as some things are not making sense to me. Granted I have not worked this type of job before so I have no idea what is considered normal or appropriate. Part of it is collecting payments from customers which is fine however it seems they want me personally to collect then remit to the company. I don't know...

I got the go ahead to take my son completely off his Celexa so he has been off it since Wednesday. Considering everything he is doing good.

Sadly I'm beginning to feel like I just may be getting my son's stomach flu.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Some days I want to....

Do I need a therapist? Anti-depressants? To change how I think? Or just a short vacation from my life? Perhaps just a short vacation. Personally I don't believe in anti-depressants for myself as I feel that if there is something about my life that is making me depressed, that can be changed, then I need to change my life. The problem is that it is not my life or choices that is making me want to bury my head in the sand.

Hubby called and asked if he was supposed to use the credit card for what he was picking up. Yes... The car we looking at buying is currently in the shop being looked over to see what needs to be done... I'm really hoping to hear today if we have been approved for the townhouse...

My son's nurse called this morning. Did you pick up his Invega shot? No I didn't and I don't have $700 plus to pick it up with. There are moments where I'm at war with my own feelings as I can tell you where I would like to send the bills and receipts for what my adult son is costing us, out of pocket, yet again. I didn't make the decisions to put us in this situation...

I called disability again this morning and I actually got a call back! They faxed, I think she said on December 24, a formal request to the office out in British Columbia (BC) asking for information on his file out there. She can't proceed until she hears back from them. I also have tried calling BC (kept getting disconnected) and emailed them. The second email directly to the office he was registered with. I shouldn't be the one dealing with this...

I have no problem with accepting responsibility for my own actions and choices. I have no problem with dealing with the consequences of things that I have done wrong. I am having a problem with being responsible for and dealing with the consequences of other peoples choices.

From day to day I don't know if my daughter is going to be staying where she is or moving back with me. She is 19 making adult choices when she really needs to be parented. I can't parent her from across the country and the parental figures closest to her are seriously dropping the ball as far as I'm concerned. She is being given way to much rope to hang herself with... Honestly I'm mad at myself for not bringing her back with me when I went to get my son. Good or bad I would have dealt with the consequences of that choice. Instead I allowed others to decide and they have not followed through or taken responsibility for that decision. 

Back to my son. Last night he again refused his Lithium as well as his Trazodone. I don't think he slept very well or even very much. When I checked on him early this morning he didn't respond to me being in his room however both of his feet were going... He also got up early. None of these are good signs from my son as it means he didn't go into a deep sleep, if he even slept. What is he doing today? Nothing... Just lying on the sofa. When his nurse called he talked to her and let her know that he is refusing to take the Invega injection. I think she tried to talk to him about coming off the Lithium, that he needs to wean himself off it, which he agreed. Of course he agreed. As far as he is concerned he has already weaned himself off it since he has gone two days without it and in his eyes is doing fine without it. I asked him today if he would be willing to go back on the Clozapine as I told his nurse that he had previously told his psychiatrist that he would so maybe we should consider it. Today he is saying no to the Clozapine. I think his treatment will be discussing his case tomorrow.

I can't see my son maintaining or even staying remotely stable on only 10 mg of Olanzapine. Him laughing out loud for no reason had started to go away when he was taking Olanzapine during the day as well as at night. Today I heard it again. 

So can I be like the ostrich in the picture? I don't know... There is the mom in me that is saying no however there is a part of me that is saying yes... When I decided to have children I did not forfeit my own life. I can love them, try my best to parent them however there comes a time when they need to be responsible for choices that they are making. All my worrying is not going to change those choices or even the consequences. 

Mom

BarbieBF

Who wants to be depressed?

How do you rationally talk to someone who is being irrational? I guess you don't...

If I could get inside my son's head for 5 minutes and try to figure out what he is thinking or what is motivating his behavior... I have some ideas based on what I know of my son so far.

2 nights ago he got it into his head that it was unfair of me to expect him to sit on the small sofa or love-seat so that hubby and I could have the big sofa. He has rights you know? Yes so do we. Hubby and I did vacate the living room and spent some time in our bedroom partially due to this and partially due to the fact that the power had gone out so we just went to our room. When the power came back on and we were able to get the movie we were watching back on, it was several times asking very nicely, please can you move to the other sofa? According to my son the love-seat is uncomfortable. To clarify the love-seat and the big sofa are the same set and in fact the big sofa is harder and more worn out then the love-seat. He finally agreed to move but wanted to rearrange the living room furniture because of it. I said no and that when he has his own place and his own furniture he can decide where he wants it and who sets were. He won't be inviting me to his place. Honestly I found this somewhat humorous so my tone was light when I responded and told him to remember that when he is calling me with: Mom I have no money. Mom I can't pay my bills or Mom I'm hungry... Off he went to call his Nana...

Later that night, around 12, he was taking a part one of my bookshelves, taking my mouse-pad for my computer and just overall making a racket in his room since his floor is a mess and he can't walk in there without walking on stuff. All this so he could play on his laptop in bed. I think he is playing World of Warcraft again which is good however I will get back to that...

Yesterday, I thought, was a pretty good day. He spend the day in the living room with hubby and I watching movies and going for smokes with us. Once we asked him to walk to the store with us however he didn't see the point in going since I said I wasn't going to spend any money... Hubby had won some free Lotto tickets.

Last night when I saw that he had gone to bed and not taking his pills, I took the dish into him. I'm not taking the Lithium... I tried to talk him into taking half of it as stopping it like that may cause him to get too depressed or even suicidal considering he is not ok right now. He said that he wants to be depressed. I tried... but like I said: How do you rationally talk to someone who is being irrational? He told me to take them. Well I don't have a chemical imbalance of too much dopamine in my brain so I don't need them. He is not a robot... No and these pills would not work on a robot because robots don't have dopamine but he does because he is human. Since I have such a problem with this then I should fix it... That's what I'm trying to do. I told him that what he is saying isn't logical. I have never heard anyone say that they wanted to be depressed. How is he going to take care of himself when he is living in the shared townhouse living that he wants if he is too depressed to take care of himself. That's another thing... He needs a shower. I could smell him from 3-4 feet away. He says that is ok that there is nothing wrong with the smell of BO (body odor). I gave up and went to bed.

Now, today, he is refusing his Olanzapine as well. He has been taking one when he gets up for the past 2 days since I know that he needs it due to the Invega wearing off and it has been helping. Now today... It's a PRN (as needed) and he doesn't need it. I said to him: Can you please explain to me what is going on in your head because I don't understand why you want to be sick? Why do I care so much? Because I love you and I give a crap about your mental health. Oh well, I'm not taking it.

I'm wondering if his wanting to be depressed could have anything to do with him playing World of Warcraft again. His subscription will be running out soon. When I bought the upgrade as an early Christmas present and paid for the monthly subscription it was under two conditions. One he not spend the little money he had on alcohol and two that he was to pay me back for the monthly subscription the following day. Well he didn't pay me back and the money did go on alcohol. He is aware that I cancelled the subscription from charging my credit card again this month. Only time will tell but if I here: Mom I'm depressed so I need you to buy... I'm not saying my son doesn't think that he has experienced depression however I'm pretty sure he has no idea what long-term depression really feels like. Not being euphorically or intensely happy is not depressed. Not being hyper is not depressed. Being bored is not depressed.

My daughter called this morning... Mom I need money... Mom doesn't have any money... I think it's long past time for this to start being a reality for someone other then me and my hubby. The motor is gone in our car, again... I won't rant about this as really in the end it's for me to start putting my foot down and saying no. I'm not mad at my daughter... My love is free but it's time to start looking elsewhere for money.

I need a shower and hubby is home so I'm off...

Mom
BarbieBF

Pretty good weekend

The weekend went pretty good. Friday was a good day. My son wanted McDonald's for dinner and wanted to go grocery shopping so he had a shower. Even brushed his teeth without me saying anything. I was brushing mine and he came into the bathroom with me and did his. I'm glad that some of my previous expectations have not gotten forgotten. Going out in public with me requires minimal personal hygiene when he is capable.

He did go see his friend on Friday... He had no idea that his friend was across the hall until someone started yelling his name from outside as no one was answering the buzzer. I guess the concept of no one being available or awake didn't mean anything. So my son heard and of course quickly went to investigate. Thankfully he only visited for about 10-15 minutes before coming back home.

Slowly my son has been getting back into using the laptop. It was good to see him actually playing some games on it although he doesn't seem to be able to keep it up for long periods. The downside to this of course was the inevitable (unavoidable) requests for me to purchase gaming subscriptions for him. My answer was no as I had warned him when he decided to spend the last of his money on alcohol that my answer would be no. This resulted in a phone call to his Nana for money and of course some attitude regarding how much money I was going to be taking from his disability payments. I told him that disability is not paying him for entertainment purposes then reminded myself that I don't intend to be a part of these types of conversations if I can help it, so went outside for a smoke so that I wouldn't be a part of it.

I did end up paying for his Trazodone as he needs it for sleep and I know that it can also help with some of his restlessness during the day. Thankfully it is one of the cheaper ones and only cost me $13.24 and so far he has been taking it without any complaints. He did miss his Lithium one day and the following day stated that he felt depressed so I reminded him that he had missed his Lithium and this may be the cause.

He has been up and down over the weekend. Some periods he seems ok and other times the psychosis is showing itself. Yesterday, Monday, was an off day as the voices were back and he spent a fair amount of the day seemingly wondering aimlessly around the apartment. Not getting enough sleep may have contributed to this as my husband was home from work so we took advantage of this to take an early trip to the disability office to find out what was happening with his file. Of course his worker was off! His file is still on hold which means a drug benefit card can't be issued. We did write a note where my son consented to me having access to talk to his worker and also letting disability know to release the room and board portion of his payments to me as I reminded my son that he had given his word that he would do this. I also had them take a copy of his disability payment from British Columbia and the receptionist noted that his last payment was for December which will probably affect his file and may affect his ability to get drug benefits as well. I was already aware this would probably happen and this is why I wanted them to have a copy of his last payment. I would rather deal with it now then have my son face any type of fraud charges later for not disclosing this information. We will have to contact British Columbia today to get his file out there closed. I let the receptionist know that I had held off doing this in case I could use his medical coverage from out there, here and she said no it doesn't work that way. *fingers crossed* I hear something back from his worker today.

After the disability office we took a drive as my husband needed to get something on the car looked at then we got Tim Horton's and brought my son back home while my husband and I finished Christmas shopping for my daughter. I also got my son a new pair of track pants since he only had the one pair and a new scarf and toque (hat) set. We also got him some Jamaican patties, pizza pockets and stuff to make breakfast sandwiches since going to Tim Horton's and McDonald's will not be regular occurrences like before. I had my son pick from the presents that I got for his sister, the ones that he would like to be from him and got the parcels sent out to my daughter.

Like I said yesterday was an off day. Voices or entities were obvious and he laughed at/with them a fair amount. They were discussing soul sanctums... Trying to understand what is so funny about these conversations is not easy as to me as I don't get what is so funny about soul sanctums. Still I guess if being in psychosis is anything like being high (both are too much dopamine) and having been high myself, yes things like this can appear to be funny at the time. I asked if the voices felt that were he is now is safe as a sanctum is a safe place and he said: yes.. no.. yes I think so. I told him to tell them thank you if they felt that our home was a safe place as I want him to feel safe here.

He's been taking a multi-vitamin everyday, knock on wood! It seems every time I blog about my son doing something that is good and healthy, something happens or he happens to interfere with that so hopefully I didn't jinx it! ;) The Omega 3's he is resisting, saying that they make him feel sick.

I have been trying to get him into bed at reasonable hours however I'm not having to much luck with that. It depends on when I wake up in the night. Sometimes it's 3, sometimes it's 5. One night he ended up sleeping on the small sofa as my hubby was sleeping on the big one as his sleep apnea and restless leg were driving us both nuts! Last night I managed to wake up and get him to bed by 2:30. It's now 12:37 pm and he is still sleeping. I asked him if the extra comforter on his bed has helped and he said yes.

The mess that I ended up cleaning up at 2:30 this morning so that my husband would have room on the counter to make his lunch didn't make me happy. Will have to find some way to approach this as really my husband shouldn't have to clean up the kitchen at 5 in the morning to make his lunch.

I have some cleaning to do...

Mom
BarbieBF

Why would I?

I find myself a little over my head in legal terminology and trying to get answers from people who are adept at not giving straight forward answers. I'm usually pretty good at understanding legal documents... so my college diploma (Office Admin - Legal) isn't just a piece of paper after all ;) Still it's not easy trying to get a better understanding of what needs to be done. And it's not just the legal stuff.

Three days in a row I have left the message that I would like my son's doctor to call me. I'm still waiting... Yesterday I was told by one nurse that the doctor that saw him the day before wasn't going to be his treating psychiatrist, that yes there was notes on his file that I wanted them to call me and that she would call me back after the doctor saw him... Like I said, I'm still waiting.

Yesterday I received a text from my daughter asking if I knew how my son was. I think I read it a couple of times... thinking, I'm pretty much on the other side of the country and I'm being asked how he is. I have not said much about my daughter here because I don't want her in the middle. I don't want her being held responsible for things that she should not be held responsible for. She is not the adult in this situation and her brother or other people for that matter, are not her responsibility. A little insight into my daughter or at least what I see. She would gladly take on the responsibility at her own expense and that is one of her endearing qualities. I can't say it always puts her in the best of situations but it is who she is. She has an instinct to protect others but not herself. I yell at her sometimes... Not because I'm mad at her but because I really wish that she could see that just because some of the adults in her life keep dropping the ball, myself included, that doesn't mean that she needs to carry the weight of things that are not hers to carry.

They started my son on Paliperidone injection yesterday, also known as Invega Sustenna, of course due to being non-compliant with oral medications. I know that my son doesn't like getting these shots however I'm glad that he is now on them. He is certified under the Mental Health Act. I don't know for how long but I'm hoping that it is long enough for him to gain some insight. I am worried since he was certified the last time yet got released before he should have been. It looks like they will be discontinuing the Clozapine, due to non-compliance. Even 'miracle' drugs can't work if they aren't being taken properly. As long as he can be kept marijuana free then I'm pretty sure that the Invega can work since it is I do believe (partially) in the same class of anti-psychotics as Clozapine. A dopamine antagonist. Although it's also a serotonin antagonist which I'm fairly new to. Serotonin helps to regulate moods. I know that he was put on Lithium for I thought to help with his white blood cell count however Lithium is an add on medication used to treat schizophrenia and bipolar and does seem to increase the levels of serotonin. I don't know if they are keeping him on the Lithium or not yet but I'm guessing he won't need it. *fingers crossed* this may be a very good medication for him. Granted if you remember me blogging before how he didn't like oral Invega because it made him feel like getting up and doing something... He may not like it doing what it is supposed to do :) I'm sure his psychosis world is much more entertaining then this one.

Now for the title of this post. Why would I? Why would I get on a plane, do my best to fix what is currently happening, with the knowledge that 1 week, 1 month or even 1 year down the road that we could easily find ourselves right back where we are. The short answer is because I'm mom. The long answer is that I don't think that I can unless certain safe guards are in place. Which is why I'm knee deep in reading or trying to understand Private Committee and Guardianship laws. Currently waiting to hear back from a lawyer at the Public Guardian and Trust office. Since we are in different provinces and the paperwork is different for each of them then I'm not sure where I should be starting the process. Out there or here. Trying not to think too much about how much this may cost me financially at a time when we really don't have thousands of dollars laying around. Bless my hubby as he says not to worry about it that we can worry about it come January when I get my butt back to work. Yup, no putting this one off to much longer. I need a job!

Mom
BarbieBF

Do they know...?

I was asked this: Do they know how good he was doing when he was with you? I don't know the answer. Should they know? In my opinion yes but my opinions are just that, opinions. Only my husband, myself and his treatment team out here actually saw the progress that my son made.

Due to the Adderall in the beginning of June, that progress quickly, yet I hoped momentarily, went out the window as stability slipped through everyone's fingers. So when we took our trip out to British Columbia, no one saw that progress. Instead they saw what they had seen in April 2013, perhaps minus the telekinesis, chi talk and chronic marijuana addiction. Even as I write that I think, really?!. Having those three things alone pretty much out of the picture was a pretty big accomplishment. He was no longer spending hours trying to move a piece of paper with his mind, that the spirits were not letting him do. He wasn't constantly questioning his place in the universe, his chi or power over other people. Marijuana was still in the picture however it wasn't daily, in fact, was done to 2-3 times a month. He was down to minimal doses of anti-psychotics. He was attending school. So many things... Then I allowed myself to get pulled into my son's manipulation of wanting to try Adderall for his ADHD. I messed up, big time. Regaining stability is a slow and tedious road uphill. I didn't consider this a hard step backwards, just a bump in the road...

So here we are and I'm asking myself: Do they know...? Maybe in the bigger scheme of things it just didn't matter and perhaps still doesn't. Some things you have to let go off. I guess I need to let go (or at least try to)...  If only I saw the person that he is capable of being, not what everyone is resigned to him being then so be it. The easy decisions would have been to give into my son and schizophrenia. I just couldn't do that. I couldn't give up on him like that. Yes I have made mistakes and I will continue to do so, just as I'm afraid that my current choice of action or lack of action, is yet another mistake.

Recently I have had to acknowledge some subtle feelings of judgement. That I'm being judged not on who I am today but who I was 3-4 years ago. 4 years ago I was far from being in the right state of mind to put my family first. My relationship with my husband was up and down, filled with... to be blunt, bullshit. I was working more then full time hours and other then taking care of the basics at home, I was more concerned with that self-indulgent, monkey on my back, addiction. Mostly marijuana and even though I have never liked alcohol, it do had become a crutch in my life. I missed some pretty obvious signs on what my daughter was then going through. She, like our children do, paid the price for that. I'm not the person anymore. Thankfully. In January it will be 2 years since my husband and I went completely street drug clean. In August we were 1 year clean from alcohol. I'm a lot more aware of things then I was back then. I'm still me (for some that's a good thing, for others not so much :)) just with a different outlook on life and hopefully better equipped to handle what life can throw at me.

On a good note. Hubby bought some nuts for the squirrels last weekend. I thought I would leave all the fun to him but I guess I'm supposed to help feed them too ;). So here is a pic of one of them enjoying my husband's nuts (haha!) that I took this morning.

Mom
BarbieBF

Hoping for the best.

I think I have my feet back under me, figuratively speaking. At least I don't feel like I'm down for the count. I won't say who but someone said/typed something to me today that lifted me in a way that I was not expecting. This person said: And don't be sorry, he's your son. A simple acknowledgement that... I really can't explain... Just thank you if you are reading this. It somehow made my day and helped me to realize that nothing can change this. I did allow schizophrenia to cause a rift that should not have happened. I allowed emotions, my sons and my own to get in the way. I stepped back just a little too much or perhaps a lot too much ;) I'm afraid I'm only human after all...

My son left yesterday on a flight to his father. I did not take him to the airport, someone from Ready4Life did. I couldn't. I did see him the night before, brought him some things, took him for a Tim Horton's coffee and let him talk for a bit. I sometimes do this to get an idea of where he is at mentally. If given the opportunity and if he feels safe then he usually opens up pretty easily about what he is thinking. As hard as it was to listen to my son's delusional thoughts and beliefs, I did take comfort in the fact that he still considers me a safe place to speak about them. I won't go into all of what he had to say except that he spoke of himself as being non-human, wanting to leave earth and not wanting to be connected to anyone by love.

I think off all the things that schizophrenia is, how I can love and hate it at the same time and I do, but the fact that it robs my son of the ability to feel love normally, is one of the hardest parts. I'm not saying that my son doesn't love because I know that he does. However he does love differently. He doesn't love in a way that allows for a certain amount of give and take or consideration for the other person. Of all the things that I fear for my son's future, one of my biggest fears is that schizophrenia will not release him enough for him to see the joy that giving can give. I do believe that it is possible as I see it happening with others. I just can't give up hope that it will happen with my son. That given time that part of him will mature and he will learn the true meaning of what it is to love and be loved.

I was talking to my daughter this morning. She asked if she was talking to much as she enjoyed talking to me. I enjoyed her talking to me too! It was actually reassuring to listen to her talk about her life.

As the title says, I'm doing my best to be positive or to hope for the best. As far as I know my son left with a limited supply of medications. I know that his Lithium wasn't refilled however I'm not to sure about his Clozapine. I did bring it up to him however he stated that he didn't plan on taking medications once he moved so there was no need, that if he has to be on medications for the rest of his life then he might as well end it now. I did reply that some people would gladly take pills if it meant a chance to keep living however I know that he doesn't see it this way so I let that conversation end. I have supplied what information I have regarding medications and his history and hopefully the right people will read and take note of what, I think, does or doesn't work best for my son. I am very relieved to know that it doesn't look like he is going back to the same psychiatrist that he used to have. If his new psychiatrist takes any interest in his past history and my notes then hopefully things will not turn out as I am fearing they will.

So I'm doing my best to have faith. That Donna, Dad & family and his new treatment team will take care of him. One day at a time right?

Mom
BarbieBF

11 PM and I'm not impressed

When you write a blog there is always the possibility that people are going to read it :) I know. You are thinking that is the point right? It's the who that I'm trying to sort out in my head. Granted doing it at 11 PM probably isn't the best time to be blogging about it but here I am.

My daughter called me today to tell me that she and her Nana liked my last blog post. Good right? I guess it's what the rest of the conversation implied that I'm still trying to get my mind around. The implication that I only see schizophrenia when I look at my son. I'm not blogging about knitting or Lego's even though those things may get mentioned. I'm blogging about me, my son and schizophrenia. So the question is why is this upsetting me? It's because not for the first time, I get the feeling that my daughter's opinions of me and my blog and writings are not completely her own opinions. As a parent do you ever get that feeling when you are listening to your kids talk that something just doesn't sound right? It doesn't sound like them talking. It's their voice but it's not their words. Since I started blogging I have had to deal with positive and negative feedback and I take it in stride as not everyone is going to see or agree with my point of view. It's not everyone's opinion of me that matters to me. My daughter's opinion of me however does matter to me a great deal and I'm having a problem with the fact that I think she is forming opinions of me and my blog that are in fact not her own opinions but being shaped by someone else. I hear the words and they are not her words. I hear the implications and they do not sound like her thoughts. Maybe I'm wrong but I have learned to trust my gut on things like this.

Why am I awake after 11 PM blogging about it? My phone rang at 10:48, the number was private. Any insomnia sufferers? You know that feeling when you are just about to go under? The phone rings, rings, rings, rings you pick it up, say hello and click... The person hangs up. Nope, not impressed.

Oh well. Hopefully the second melatonin I had to take will do the trick.

Mom
BarbieBF

Getting back on track.

I don't have much to blog about today which is a good thing :)

I wanted to take the time to note the positives that I have been seeing over the last couple of days with my son. His mood is a lot more stable. Two days ago he wanted a new pen. Actually he wanted two of them but Staples only had the one in stock. When my son is recovering he takes an interest in pens and notebooks as he likes to write, draw or doodle what he is thinking about. I consider this a good sign that he is able to get his thoughts organized enough to try to get them out onto paper. Yesterday he wanted a couple more small notebooks and a day planner. While looking for the 'right' notebook he joked with me that this was his OCD. He liked the idea of a day planner as he would like to start being organized. To borrow one of his phrases 'I'm down with that.' I have tried to help him be prepared for appointments etc by putting calendar pages on his wall however he rarely looked at them. Hopefully this approach will help since it is his idea. I don't think he realizes how much his ODD can cause him to turn his back on things that I do just because... well because it's ODD ;) I have noticed that his manners are coming back. He is back to saying thank you for dinner and the other things that I have been getting him. When he is asking for things he is polite about it and accepts when the answer is no. He has asked a couple of times for his disability money early. Although the first time was for money to 'party' with his sister before she left so saying no to that one was easy. Instead we all went to a park so that they could spend time together outdoors. They had fun feeding this chipmunk. Cute little guy!

Yesterday it was to buy a game subscription to World of Warcraft. Sorry mom is broke right now. And I am! 'How can you be so broke?' All those little things add up plus the road trip out west, new motor etc. He graciously accepted me saying no. He spent some time with hubby and I watching our TV shows and doodling in his new day planner.

Last night when I got his pills ready for him it was with the Invega instead of the Risperidone. I gave him the pharmacy printout of what the medication is for and so that he could look it up online by it's generic name Paliperidone. I pointed out its uses: used to treat mental/mood disorders and help you to think more clearly and positively about yourself, feel less agitated, and take a more active part in everyday life. One of the first things he saw when looking it up was that it was used to treat depression and I think he was happy about that. I'm not sure what time he went to bed although I know it was after 2 but when I got up this morning he awoke from sleeping on the sofa stating that he had had the best night sleep. I suggested he could use more sleep still and he did go back to bed. Now I'm trying to get him up as his nurse is supposed to be here any minute...

His nurse just left. Some discussion about the Invega. So far he hasn't noticed anything different, not noticing anything bad I think is a good thing. Talked about his thoughts on moving out, getting his own place and the type of place he would be open to. He seems agreeable to the idea of sharing a house with others as really his options are limited at the moment with his current income or lack thereof. Talked a little about schooling or getting a job and what the best thing for him would be. Schooling can be put off for a little bit however it will need to be looked at again. Hopefully once/if the Invega works as I'm hoping it will. His nurse let him know that she will continue to be his main nurse but that the family support worker I met with will soon be his main case worker.

I've been trying to get myself re-organized. Sent an email to our insurance broker about the past two bounced payments. Noted on my calender upcoming bill due dates. Finances have gotten a little out of control and I need to get us back on track with that too. Reminded my son that we still need to get his blood work done so hopefully I can get him in the shower today as well.

Mom
BarbieBF

Ready4Life and family support.

The last couple of days seem to have flown by. Wednesday we received a phone call from Ready4Life. Thursday I meet with a family support worker from PACT and my daughter got a new tattoo. Yesterday was doctor appointments and the movies. Now it's Saturday, hubby is working, the kids are sleeping and I'm feeling a little sad (truthfully more then a little), as my daughter will be going back home to her dad's on Tuesday. I can't blame PMS for feeling a little choked up about this. Having her here has been wonderful and I think it has even done my son some good. They have been watching movies together at night and thanks to my daughter someone that they both used to know when they both lived with me about 6-7 years ago may be re-kindling a friendship with my son. This boy/man is in college and as far as I can tell doesn't do drugs or drink. Will have to see how this plays out as I know he asked my son about paintball.

I wasn't expecting a phone call from Ready4Life so quickly. When the lady called and asked me how my son felt about it, my response was basically: He is usually all for it when we are butting heads however he tends to back off from it when things are calm. I cautioned her that my son was on the other line listening as I heard the echo when he picked up. The conversation went better then I had anticipated. In the past when my son has been faced with this discussion he would state that there is no need as he is going to be moving back with his Nana or Dad. His Nana no longer lives on her own and despite my son's usual insistence that this is an option, it really isn't. They discussed what the program can do for him and set up an appointment for next week. A little while later I asked my son if he wanted to discuss this and he said no that there was no point. In case you are in the Halton, Ontario, Canada region this is their link: http://www.r-4-l.org/

My son usually sees one of his support workers Thursday mornings, if he is awake and doesn't cancel. Despite the fact that he had gotten up for school and stayed up all day, he still managed to stay up all night and hadn't gone to bed until 6 AM. When the lady first called we discussed her coming by at another time however when I realized that she was the family support worker that his nurse had told me about, I asked that she still come by as we really need this extra support. I didn't wake my son as I wanted a chance to talk to her, uninterrupted, about what has been happening. One of the first things I told her was that I am so grateful that PACT has brought her on board as even though my son's other workers listen to me and my concerns, we/I need someone who can help from a family support point of view. I told her about the Adderall, the (hysterical) laughter, irregular sleep pattern, the marijuana and filled her in on some of the family struggles. The laughter was still happening as of that morning when he spent several hours finding the thought of cow udders to be extremely funny. Ok maybe they are a little funny :) but not enough to warrant hours of seemingly uncontrollable giggling. Again I was thankful to have my concerns validated. She took note of the laughter and sleep and said that she would bring it up at their meeting later that day as there appears to be something going on. I talked to her about my concerns regarding my son's inability to communicate in a better way with his Nana, including my thoughts on their relationship (current and past) and Folie à deux, stating that my son needs help learning to express himself better or differently as this is not helping him. We discussed his medications a little bit. I still think that his anti-psychotics should have been upped after the Adderall however at this point I have no idea how to accomplish that without causing his ODD to act up. The last thing I want to do is interfere with the fact that he is being medication compliant, at least as far as I know.

I was asked if my son was still using marijuana. I said no however now I am not so sure. My son has a cigarette vaporizer that he got some time ago and hasn't been using it for months. I have been noticing over the past week that he may be using it even though I am unable to find the mouth piece which in itself is odd. He has been charging it and moving it around. Some time ago I read an article that teenagers are using these to smoke marijuana along with electronic or E-Cigarettes. You can even find videos on YouTube.com on how to fool people so they can't tell that is what you are doing with it. I guess since it releases the 'smoke' as vapor there is minimal or no smell plus it's vapor so more effective and less harsh on the lungs? I'm not sure exactly how they work and I do believe they are questioning the harmful affects of vapor/liquid in the lungs. All I know is why would my son being charging it and where is the mouth piece? If he is using it for weed then it only stands to reason that it would be kept out of my sight. I also think I heard my son opening his bedroom window the night that he charged it. I have seen my son cold and/or sweating and he doesn't think to open or close his bedroom window. Also a night that he stayed up all night and stated that even though he had taken his pills that he couldn't get to sleep. Lot's of red flags. I really wish that my past experience with addiction could serve me better in helping my son, as it's the marijuana in my home that is the straw breaking the camels back, metaphorically speaking. Regardless of how much I love my son I can not continue to support this behavior or choice. I wish I could make him see the damage that it is causing.

An hour with this lady and it feels like I barely touched the surface but it's a start and hopefully a good one. It was a comfort to have my daughter also sit in on this meeting as her take on things, seeing things as they are by being here and knowing what information is being passed on, I think helped to paint the bigger picture. Hopefully soon we can set up another appointment where she can meet my son. During some of our talking I mentioned the Schizophrenia.com forum that I help to moderate and showed her the main page as it has a lot of information on schizophrenia. While it is a volunteer thing I sometimes lovingly call it my 'job'. She asked me if I would be interested in participating and helping with some support groups that PACT is looking into starting. I have wanted to be more involved for awhile now so perhaps this will be my opportunity to step out of my own comfort zone and give the support I would love to give to other people. Something that I am never to sure how to respond to are comments from people in real life, face to face, telling me on how strong and inspiring I am. Comments like: 'You seem to have your hands full.' Physically no. Mentally maybe. My son doesn't take up much of my physical time. I do feel for parents or caregivers who juggle family, work and broken systems. 'You seem to handle things very well.' or 'You are doing all the right things.' Most of the time however there are times when I doubt myself and wonder if I'm doing the right things. I find I hesitate before I get out that quiet 'Thank you.' Still I appreciate the vote of confidence and even more so coming from someone who has experience in all this.

My son eventually got up around 2 PM and went with my daughter and I to my daughter's tattoo appointment. My daughter has gone through stages of punk or emo? Sometimes I feel old! Mohawks, green hair, piercings and tattoos. I actually found her green Mohawk cute! Some piercings have been removed while some remain. I like her Monroe and I'm glad she kept it. Her latest addition is a cross tattoo in recognition of her new found faith in God. The lady did a really good job.

Yesterday we had a follow up appointment for my daughter's yearly check up to get x-rays done for the scoliosis surgery she had on her spine several years ago. Her spin was literally an S. Double major curves each around 50 degrees. I forgot again to take before and after pictures. She is healing nicely. She gained I do believe 2 inches as result of the straightening of her spine and ended up taller them me!

My hubby had an appointment to renew his Ciprelax which I of course attended with him. I sometimes wonder if I spend too much time reading and researching mental illness and other disorders. I think my hubby has ADD and perhaps Paranoid Personality Disorder. He agrees with the ADD but not the paranoia. I very well could be over-analyzing that one. I brought up to our Doctor that I think his anxiety may be a result of ADD and that he fits about 90% of the criteria. The Doctor didn't even bat an eye and fairly quickly said that it was possible and is putting in a referral to a psychiatrist as he doesn't diagnose these types of things. I will save the paranoia discussion for the pdoc ;)

We all went to see the movie Transformers: Age of Extinction last night. I liked it however I was a little disappointed but the ending made up for that. I think it's been 4 or 5 nights in a row now that I haven't had to take anything for sleep and I have been sleeping most of the night, only waking up a couple of times. To borrow one of my son's responses. Nice! It's been a fairly busy week so maybe that is helping to combat my insomnia. My downstairs neighbor has been behaving so I haven't had to take any sleeping pills either. We also went to a bookstore yesterday as I wanted to buy a book I read about. It's called Far From The Tree by Andrew Solomon. Winner of 11 national awards and USA Today states: "A masterpiece of nonfiction, the culmination of a decade's worth of research and writing... It should be required reading for psychologists, teachers and above all, parents.... A bold and unambiguous call to redefine how we view difference.' 700 pages should keep me busy for awhile. I used to read all the time... Romance and vampires ;) I also got a book called Awakening Your Psychic Powers...

We are a week late getting my son's monthly blood work done. I seem to be slipping a bit. I also realized yesterday that I had let our car insurance payment bounce again. Two months in a row. Time to get re-organized! Have to call the pharmacy and have them refill two of my son's prescriptions. I seriously worry about who will take care of these things or anything else for that matter if/when my son is out on his own. It's a scary thought. I think I have written enough for one day so I won't go into that now.

Mom
BarbieBF