Tis the season. Merry Christmas!

Firstly I would like to wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

All I can think is wow what a year and I can't wait for it to be over...

At church I had my eyes opened to a word that I never really thought about before other then seeing it in the stores on advent calendars. You know the ones with little chocolates in it to countdown the days until Christmas. Well advent is the 4 weeks leading up to the celebration of the birth of Jesus.

I'm sure a lot has questioned the timing of this as I think most of us realize that Jesus wasn't born at Christmas. He was born sometime between March and October. While our calendars date the start of a new year in January... That was not always the case. Spring is the beginning. A time of renewal.

I seriously love Christmas! The last couple of years have been harder to celebrate and this year... I'm going to do my best to celebrate from the point of advent. A time to slow down and enjoy. A time of being grateful for what I do have. Yes a lot easier said than done.

We are pretty much settled into our new 'little' home. A lot to learn and a lot to not take for granted. Water, plumping, sewer, heating, condensation and cooking in a propane oven. All of it needs to be paid attention to and not taken for granted. I've pretty much got the timing of emptying our holding tanks figured out. Getting condensation in my closet and cupboards under control. Showering... Another adjustment on time and water management. Now it's trying to figure out how to cut down on drafts and better heat the place.

When it's just me and hubby here it's not so bad when it comes to lack of room. Add my son and sometimes my daughter and grandson. It gets a little tight. I feel bad when I tell my daughter no to babysitting however spending the day keeping the little one out of or away from my son and his 'mess' is not something one can look forward too. ;)

My son asked last night if he can half move in. He is going off of disability and the group home wants him to pay out of pocket more than what disability covered. I would have to agree with him that staying there wouldn't make sense. I have on occasion tried to look for housing for him. He's supposed to be getting help with this however I guess no one is having any luck with it.

Almost a month ago hubby had a mild stroke. He's gone off medications that he was taking to help stabilize his moods. Between that and his loss of feeling and functioning in his right side, it's hard for him to move around in such little space. Add my son who is in and out a lot of the night which keeps the trailer rocking and disturbing his sleep.

The doctor put hubby on blood pressure and cholesterol medications. His blood pressure is now the best it's been in years so that's a good thing. He's finally not bulking at me trying to put us on a better diet of less salt, sugar and just overall more healthy. Struggling to get used to his CPAP machine for sleep apnea. He needs to get used to it though as sleep apnea causes lack of oxygen to the brain therefore causing more stress on the body and therefor raising blood pressure.

Where am I at with all this? Most days struggling. A couple of times I've been all gung-ho about going back to work. Honestly a part of me is so looking forward to getting back out there around people and helping to financially support us. Okay... Just planning getting out of here. I feel stifled.

Each time I start something happens that makes me rethink what I'm doing. Aside for all the rest I'm in the beginning stages of menopause. Possible about to go fully menopausal. My normal cycle is every 21 days. Yup twice a month. I went 4-5 months where I only had 3. Great right! I started looking for work and ended up with 2 last month. Not so great as they hit me hard and heavy. Spent days fighting off a migraine.

Even if I didn't have to worry about that... Guess who does and takes care of pretty much everything? Am I supposed to work and come home and take care of everything at home too? I'm not even sure at this point how capable he is to cook for himself.

Edit: Section removed due to privacy reasons.

I guess the next decision we have to make is whether to let my son stay here from Monday to Friday every week. Last week we had discussed cutting it down a day.

Oh well... If any of my readers want to pray for us I would greatly appreciate it!

I probably won't blog again until the new year. Hopefully it will be with good news that at least his pension is sorted out!

Ohhh I felt my grandaughter move!

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Loss and Life Changes

It's been a month of changes that are still in the process of happening.

A month ago we lost my son-in-law to an unfortunate accident which set the wheels in motion for a lot of changes for all of us.

I am no longer Nanny to my grandson as he is now in daycare. He has adjusted wonderfully to the change. It's taking me a little more time however I'm getting there.

My daughter is about to start a new journey of being on her own, in her own place. She is also expecting a little girl in February. I'm going to have a granddaughter!

Hubby and I had to make some difficult choices on what to do next as we were in a bit of bind on where to go. Financially it was a pretty bad year for us so we didn't appear to have many options or resources available to us. With some nudging on my hubby's part we looked into the idea of buying a year round trailer to live in. With God's help and a lot of praying we got financing for a used fifth wheel RV.

Hubby applied for his pension just over a month ago and we are currently waiting for that to start paying. Praying we get the paperwork in the mail soon so that we have an income coming in. I'm looking into going back to work so that hubby doesn't have to. The next month will be a bit of juggling until things get straightened out.

The church that we belong to has been a great source of strength and help. Sometimes it's hard to not feel alone however with my faith in God and the people from church coming together in our time of need, it has been an uplifting experience of hope.

The next week or so will be us going through everything we own as we have to downsize a lot. The RV is fully furnished with not a lot of storage space so it's time to 'clean house'.

My son is doing great. I sometimes smile at the realization that he is the least of my concerns and handling his own life pretty good. He's being med compliant and even following through on his own with making calls etc to get his blood work done. I warned him last night that he may not want to visit me next week as I probably won't have any internet. He still wants to come.

I would have to check the date however I'm a year clean sometime this month! Yah me!

Until next time...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

If I could...

We all do it. Think of the what ifs... If I could go back in time...

Ironically as time passes I experience this less and less however sometimes like now, my mind still tries.

This blog post is most likely just me clearing my head. My counselling session got cancelled today and I think I was due for a talk so I'm coming here instead.

I was thinking this morning: If I could go back in time what would I change?

A long time ago I gave up wanting to go back and change my past addiction. I do regret that a lot of people got hurt along the way however that journey is now dear to me. A journey I will never let myself forget and has shaped me into who I am today. I'm proud of me and I'm ok with me, all my faults and good. I still get embarrassed to easily and I'm still self-conscious etc. but I have never been as sure of myself or as self-confident as I am today. I'm learning my limits and I'm ok with them.

The current what ifs start in 2011 when my son was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. If I could go back in time and make it so that he didn't develop schizophrenia. Better yet how about his ADHD. You know, I wouldn't. I was slightly bemused at my thoughts on this until I thought it through a little more. ADHD and schizophrenia and even addiction are part of who my son is. Just like ADHD is a part of who my hubby is. Menopause is a part of who I am. PTSD and separation anxiety are part of who my daughter is. I wouldn't change who they are today. I love them.

Now today we are basically where we were last September. Or even heading to where we could have been in 2012 before I brought my son home. I think: Maybe I shouldn't have taken him in 2012 and perhaps this would all be over now. Yes I know not a nice thought but it's my truth.

A quick overview: My son was diagnosed in 2011 while with his dad and paternal grandmother. He came to live with me in 2012 when things got to bad there. We did really good for a year or two. Seriously he was hospitalized once? I think whereas he averaged every 4-6 months before that. Last year in September things went south and he ended up with his grandmother. October had a bad break and I went to get him and bring him home again.

Now he is trying to buy a plane ticket back to his grandmother.

All the what ifs in the world can't change were we are right now.

So if I could go back and not have taken him in 2012 would I? I would do it again. If I hadn't and things ended then I would feel guilty for not being there as a parent and trying to help. Now I have been there and I have done everything that I feel is best for him and his future.

I do now feel like I have been the best parent that I can be to both of my children regardless of what the future holds for them or me.

This is going to sound harsh however I'm not going to apologize because this is my truth. As long as my son's grandmother is there to... hmm... do what she does, then I can't help my son. We just go in circles. He is not getting better and my resources, mental and physical, are getting used up. Except for my own personal growth there is nothing to show for it. I guess I shouldn't say that. I now know what he is capable of which is so much more. I have seen the brightness that is my son. I have watched him take steps to a future where he would be happy. Not psychotic addiction induced happy but true happiness where he was ok inside.

Now he is taking steps that in my opinion will only give everyone nothing but pain. You might ask how can I allow that to happen?

By letting go.

If I could change anything, I would not. I wouldn't take away my son's schizophrenia or even his addiction just as I wouldn't take away my own. My son's journey is his own as are those connected to him.

Am I saddened by it? Absolutely as I can't see any good coming from it and I'm sincerely hoping it doesn't end in news coverage (not sure if I'm being funny or sincere)... But I'm getting ahead of myself. He isn't on the plane yet.

When my son wants to be a part of my journey to a better life... Oh I hope it happens. Or I guess when I'm the only one left...

There is always hope, right?

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Brick by Brick

My new Facebook page has been growing. I feel privileged for the opportunity to share my story with others. A picture/quote that came across my news-feed yesterday:



I'm not saying that anyone is throwing bricks at me however sometimes it feels that way. Yesterday was an emotional day for me. Regrettably I lost it a little bit on several people. I don't regret my feelings, not at all. I do regret acting on them. Having vented some of my frustration, I think today I am in better control and able to blog about it without being to negative... At least I hope so :).

Thursday evening my son called, stoned, stating that he was being getting kicked out of the shelter due to marijuana use. I could hear someone in the back ground talking to my son about him going to another shelter. At this point I wasn't worried about my son having a place to go as it sounded like it was being taken care of. I did call the shelter shortly after and got privacy laws quoted to me. They passed on the message to my son that I had called and he called me back. He let me know that they had agreed to let him stay. I asked him to sign a release so that I could talk to the shelter and he refused.

From my point of view based on limited information, my son was safe and it appeared he was playing at the same game as September 2014. Honestly I still think he is to a certain degree however hopefully it all won't play out the same way.

Please note: Below is a reflection of my thoughts and feelings. It is my blog after all :)

The last time that I had spoken to my son's Nana was on Tuesday and she said she would probably call me back later that day. I had asked her to not agree to my son having the option of going back to British Columbia because when this happens it gives my son the freedom to turn his back on me and the services available to him here. My son isn't looking at long-term anything. He only sees if he is getting what he wants which for him right now is the opportunity and freedom to use marijuana. Whether it's today, tomorrow or 6 months down the road. I know the mindset of an addict and suffering through anything is worth it if you know the opportunity to use again is waiting.

Wednesday night I commented to my hubby that she hadn't called... My hubby told me to call her because he felt that there was something going on behind my back again. I got mad at hubby, telling him to revisit his CBT thinking and that I believed we weren't going to go down that path again. That we were talking this time and that she had given me her word. Sometimes I should listen to my hubby ;).

In between all this I'm trying to get a hold of disability and limit the damage that I am afraid my son will do to himself if he gets what he wants. Since my son wouldn't sign a release and no one at the shelter would call me back I was under the impression that my son was being taken care of and that everything was ok. Well aside from the fact that he was in a shelter...

Yesterday I started to get an uneasy feeling since I had still not received a phone call which at this point I found really odd. I decided to call Nana myself. I can't say that the conversation went very well. Eventually I had to hang up before I completely lost it. This is when I find out that obviously my son had signed a release for the shelter to talk to his Nana. This is when I find out that she had called the shelter about them not kicking him out. Yes I am grateful for that.

Honestly I don't remember all of the conversation as some key phrases caught my attention. As I stood outside smoking, trying to keep my cool and listen... I didn't keep my cool. 'I don't want him out in the snow.' I have heard this before and the result of this thinking got my son the worst break he has ever had. I don't think I can describe the fear for my son's future that overwhelmed me. 'He can't come here now but after he....' Like I said before in my son's way of thinking he has already won the opportunity to get what he wants which is the freedom to use marijuana. A little FYI. My daughter currently lives with Nana. The thought of her being physically put in harms way makes me feel sick to my stomach. 'She won't be living here then...' For me these few words told me all that I needed to know OR was able to retain at the time.

I think what totally pushed me over the edge was being told that I was wrong in believing in 'tough love' and that everyone else was telling her that I was wrong. I couldn't get my mind around it. Who was everyone else? At this point no one knew my side of what had happened. What professionals had been consulted? I find out that the same women from Ready4Life that had previously been involved, is involved again and as far as I can tell played a very incompetent game of telling both Nana and myself that we were doing the right thing and after assuring me that she would not drop the ball... Dropped the ball.

I'm not proud of some of the things that I said. I do regret letting my feelings of hurt, fear and betrayal govern my words. I don't regret my feelings. In my eyes what happened is that my son was once again give the opportunity to turn his back on me and the kind of support that I want to provide because I believe he can be and do better. All I could see was my son being in the same situation in British Columbia that he has been in time and time again. Things may not always be smooth sailing here in Ontario however his schizophrenia and more importantly his addiction has not been given free reign to wreck havoc on his brain.

I'm still having a hard time getting my mind around this. Just like the last time I am but a phone call away. Physically I am 20 minutes away from my son. If anything about my actions are in question. Pick up the phone and call me! If my son is literally at risk of being out on the streets. Pick up the phone and call me! I thought that there had been an agreement after the last fiasco that we would pick up the phone... "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me."

I was so pissed off by the time I got of the phone. I was shaking and struggled to not cry. I came inside and I thought this is enough. The shelter needed to be set straight and any misconceptions that I was feeling they may have needed to be addressed. I called them and said: This is 'blank's' mom and I know that you can't talk to me but I KNOW that you can listen and I need to talk to someone about my son. I was put through to someone.

I am so thankful that I had enough sense to not let this go and to in a sense push myself onto the shelter. I am also thankful that the lady I spoke to was understanding of my yelling at her. Yes I yelled at her a lot. I couldn't understand how it was that I had called and left a message on Tuesday stating my son's diagnoses and for them to call me with no return phone call. Or that his Nana was able to be involved from another province yet I was being excluded. Granted it is partly due to my son's wonderful resistance to signing a release giving me access.

One of the first things I was told was that the police dropped of my son stating that I had kicked him out. I was again shocked. Yes I yelled at her: I did not kick out my son. He did this all on his own because he doesn't want to pay me room and board and wants to get high. And he got what he wanted as he did get high. Through a fair amount of yelling and even some tears I managed to, I hope, give them a bigger picture of what is going on. I think a apologized several times for yelling. She was very nice about it saying she could hear me crying...

I guess the reason they had not called me is because they had been told that I had kicked out my son. I guess it looked like I was turning my back on my son and not being supportive. I made it very clear that I have been here and that every decision that I have made has been based on the advise of professionals. Yes my son's grandmother loves my son. I have never denied that however when that love keeps my from learning to manage his own illness and addiction or accept responsibility for his actions then yes I have an issue.

My son needs support. I am in complete agreement. They were not aware that my son was a part of The PACT Team and that through this team he has access to a psychiatrist, nurse, case worker and peer support. Yes they are understaffed at the moment which complicates things however my son has refused to participate actively in his own treatment. Why should he? Every time things get tough he gets to run away instead of learning to help himself.

My son needs anger management and treatment. Again I'm in complete agreement. I have known for 2 years now that my son needs anger management. I can only work with the services that I am aware of and PACT does not offer anger management. He needs drug rehab and treatment. I have looked into those too. My son refuses. So unless he is in a situation like he is currently in, my hands get tied as to what I can do. Unless I get power of attorney I can't force my son to take these steps. Instead I get to try my best to but things back to together, to have them torn apart again and again.

Because of my phone call and resulting 'temper tantrum' the lady had my son sign releases for me and the PACT team! *big sigh of relief* I am no longer on the outside of this situation. *fingers crossed* he may even get transferred into a treatment facility where he should have gone years ago. There was also talk of other services that I was unaware of. Like I said I'm so glad I made that call. In the beginning I could hear/feel the walls that were up regarding me. I do believe I tore them down. At least I really hope so because my goal here is NOT to increase my son's suffering but to increase his chances of having a future.

I texted him last night letting him know that I love him. He replied that he loved me to. Brick by brick I will rebuild...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

My bags are packed and I'm ready to go...

Ok I'm not packed and I'm not ready to go but I will be by the end of the day. ;)

I'm still waiting to hear back from disability and I'm beginning to gain a dislike for how easily professionals can mislead a person. I think that I have an understanding of what is going to happen and bam... the rug gets pulled out from under me yet again. After making mine and my son's current circumstances clear I thought I was well on my way to having power of attorney papers drawn up, even had my son's agreement to sign them, and then the lawyer throws a wrench in it stating that he needs to obtain instructions from my son. This after telling me that he could draw up the papers for me to take to BC for signing. The two just don't meet up... How does he plan on getting instructions from my son while he is in another province and if this was required he should have stated this previously. I had every intentions of getting it signed by a notary public so that my son's rights were being addressed. Oh well...

I talked to my son the other day about the power of attorney thing possibly being put on hold for now however in the meantime I would want certain things put into place when he comes home. First he needs to sign a release with PACT so that that can freely talk to me and me them. He agreed saying he didn't want to hide anything from me anymore. Lets hope that is true ;) I also let him know that once he is back on disability that the room and board portion of his payments are to come directly to me. He will still get his spending allowance sent to him. He agreed. At this point he may agree to anything to get released from the hospital but I'm hoping that he will follow through. He says that I have his word on it that he will. I will be happy to have these two things put into place.

The plan was to leave tomorrow, be picked up at the airport then go get my son released. What is that saying about well laid plans? Always expect the unexpected. They won't release him until the day we are flying out. The doctor doesn't want to take any chances with something going wrong while he is being transferred into the care of his psychiatrist and treatment team out here. I think he may himself also be playing a role in causing the doctor to play it safe. He has lost his smoking privileges as he tested positive for marijuana so smoked it during his hospital stay. He has also asked in front of his case worker at the hospital for $100-200 which we all know what he wants that for ;) So I can understand what they are trying to prevent.

The hospital will communicate with the PACT team out here and send over whatever information is needed regarding his medications. I'm happy to have them take over some of this.

I will be returning on Sunday providing everything goes according to plan. *fingers crossed*

Mom
BarbieBF

The Worry Jar

I saw reference to this on one of the groups that I'm in. It was for children but I thought why can't I have one too? So I got a jar, wrote down most of my worries and put them in the jar...

That I won't get out of dept
That I won't be able to help my son and keep him stable and safe
That my son will hate me for what I need to do

You get the point... I tend to worry and over think things so even if only for a moment it was a relief to put those worries in a jar... In a safe place... Until I'm ready to pull them out. Kind of like housework :) It's not going anywhere and will wait for me.

The Worry Jar Technique: Help Your Child Overcome Worries and Anxiety

The Worry Solution

I was talking to my best friend and another call came through... It was my son. I ended up having a good cry once I got off the phone. Still am a little bit ;) I can't say that I have heard him sound quit so lost and hopeless. The Invega is working so he is much more coherent but he is still somewhat delusional. He wants me and him to move to another country... The first thing he asked me is if I was coming to get him. For the first time in a long time, probably since the Adderall... he seemed to genuinely believe that I love him! I think that is what broke me, when he said that he knew that I loved him. No ego, no defiance..

I told him that I want to get power of attorney so that this doesn't happen again. He asked about getting or being his own attorney and I told him that up until now he has been his own attorney and look at where it has gotten him. In the hospital again and that even if he doesn't realize it he is lucky that he isn't in jail. I think he is having a hard time understanding what happened. I am not a scientist however I think after psychosis the brain tries to piece together what happened in a reasonably logical way and the pieces just don't fit so confabulations are created.

I did my best to explain to him what me having power of attorney means. That if he decides to go off of medications that I think that he needs then I get to make that decision. I asked him if he is willing to have me help him get his life back on track, back to where we were before the Adderall, to be his attorney or decision maker and he said yes. It was heartbreaking to have my son tell me that he is only looking forward to being here with me and doing nothing because no one well ever want him. As I have always tried to do. I told him that he is so much more then that. That he is an awesome human being and that I will do my best to give him the live that he deserves. That I will not let schizophrenia do this to him without a fight. I love him too much. So no he can not come here and do nothing... My rules have not changed. That I will push him to be the person that I know that he is capable of being.

I asked him if he still had voices, not to lie to me because I know that he did. He says the entities are gone now and that he is alone, that it is just him. Apparently they were driving him nuts (I smiled too!), constantly nagging him. I told him these entities are a part of schizophrenia and that the Invega will help keep them away. Him wanting them gone is a good thing.

I asked him to be a little patient and to give me some time to try to get everything sorted out. I'm still waiting to hear back from disability and the lawyer. Hopefully Monday will have my phone ringing with the answers that I need.

Mom
BarbieBF

Painting, Cleaning, In and Out.

It's been a fairly busy week. Saturday hubby and I decided it's time to start doing some things for ourselves and our apartment. For awhile we were tossing around the idea of moving and now that we can as we finally have clear credit reports!, we have decided not to (at least for now). Go figure right! So in deciding to stay it was time to do some painting and fixing. Between my hubby's work dust and my son's temper tantrums there was some painting and patching up to do. I learned how to use PollyFilla to fill in the knife holes among other things. We haven't gotten to painting these parts yet as it's mostly doors and we are doing those last so fingers crossed I did an ok job. First it was deciding on some neutral colors. We decided on tan for the main living areas and linen for our bedroom and probably the spare bedroom too. So far we have done the entrance way, dining room, living room and our bedroom. I'm impressed, it looks good! Scrubbing the splattered paint off the bedroom floor was fun! As was scrubbing the paint off of the marble window ledges that the lovely painters did before I moved in. Contractors paid by apartment which explains the painted macaroni I discovered when I moved in and went to put my dishes away (I'm serious!). SOS and some elbow grease... Will a lot of elbow grease for me. Going over and over the same spot is my way of cleaning since I'm not really strong enough to get it off that easily. As I told my hubby, it's one of the very few times that I wish that I was a man and/or physically stronger. Honestly I gave up after two window ledges, 3-4 SOS pads and arms that felt like jelly. Getting the paint off the bedroom floor was a lot easier. I have even helped paint some walls which I think is equivalent to a couple of work-outs on my stepper so I don't feel so bad that I haven't done it in awhile ;) I thanked my chiropractor yesterday as a couple of years ago I would not have been able to anywhere near what I have been doing to help. In fact it was painting that got me to a chiropractor in the first place. The straw that broke the camels back combined with 13 year old whiplash, bad posture and a touch of scoliosis in my neck.

Saturday we also went bedroom shopping. What started out as just mattresses turned into a bedroom set. Hubby is tired of us not sleeping in the same bed. Between my insomnia, his sleep apnea and restless leg... I wasn't getting much sleep. I'm on the fence with this though as I have been enjoying have a bed to myself and not being jostled awake by his restless feet! lol Seriously though I do miss having him beside me, sometimes ;) The mattresses we have are old. They were my mother's and like almost everything else in our room is not less then 10-15 years old. I realized that at the age of 42 I have never had a new or matching bedroom set and haven't had a new bed in about 20 years. Yup it was time! I even figured out yesterday how to put off paying for it for like 8 months! A little juggling here and there but it can be done. By that time we should have our finances under control, hopefully, I think I'm seeing a job in my near future...

The bedroom set is supposed to get delivered on Sunday. Even hubby is excited about this. We have actually had fun shopping, painting and cleaning together. Some good old one on one, husband and wife bonding time! Including the nagging from me that he needs to put on his glasses so he can see the messes he is making... paint all over my canisters, the coffee maker, kettle etc. He started doing clean up in the tub. Not sure if we were thinking that we could get the painting all done last weekend. If we were then we were obviously not thinking clearly. We still have the spare bedroom and hallway to do. Really there is no rush though. The priority was getting the bedroom done before Sunday and thoughts of the delivery people scratching a newly painted hallway...

The spare bedroom. It's been my daughter's room, my brother-in-law's room, my son's room and now my hubby's room (until Sunday). I figure it's best to just start calling it the spare room since from day to day I have no idea who is going to be in it anymore.

I have only talked to my son once since he left and that was a fairly useless conversation. He was so 'distracted' that he could barely answer a simple question. Last Friday he was admitted to hospital. I still don't know why... Not that it matters now. I'm guessing it was for psychosis related reasons? Yesterday he was released. I sometimes wonder how much more disappointed I can get in the system but that is probably not a question I want answered. To quote Elvis Presley during the (19) '68 Comeback Special, "Never ceases to amaze me. Baby" There is no way, in my opinion, that he was stable enough after barely a week of being medication compliant. He was released after three weeks during his last hospitalization and was barely stable. The chances of him staying medication compliant when he currently has zero insight is slim to none. Unfortunately I didn't find out that he was getting released or that anyone was trying to release him until it was too late. It seems no one thinks that keeping me informed on what is happening with my son is important. I keep asking myself why I would expect any different? (Yes, perhaps I do need a little cheese with my whine)

A week ago I was pretty determined on what my next steps were going to be. I have gathered information on what it is that I want to do and I have contacted a lawyer and got some advise on the steps I should take and who I should contact. Yet, I find myself hesitating... I'm hesitating because of my son. If everyone, including him, is so determined to keep him mentally unwell or psychotic then perhaps I should let it happen. I must say it really irks me to even say that however until he can reach a point where he can see that the choices that he is making, and consequences, are doing him more harm then good then I'm fighting an uphill battle that may not be the right thing for right now. If it was just him... However it's not just him. As long as he has the support that he currently has and wants, albeit for the wrong reasons (no boundaries, rules or expectations), then it makes advocating for his mental well-being a lot harder. It's like having a leaky roof that does damage to your walls so you paint your walls, over and over instead of fixing the leaky roof. How much advocating or painting can I do if the leak in the roof is not being attended to? But what irritates me is that now no one is trying to fix that leaky roof and damage is being done even if it can't be seen.

My biggest fear is that by not doing anything, I am in fact, making the wrong decision. Hopefully I will know when to step in and deal with my son's resentment and hopefully it will not be too late.

Mom
BarbieBF

Hoping for the best.

I think I have my feet back under me, figuratively speaking. At least I don't feel like I'm down for the count. I won't say who but someone said/typed something to me today that lifted me in a way that I was not expecting. This person said: And don't be sorry, he's your son. A simple acknowledgement that... I really can't explain... Just thank you if you are reading this. It somehow made my day and helped me to realize that nothing can change this. I did allow schizophrenia to cause a rift that should not have happened. I allowed emotions, my sons and my own to get in the way. I stepped back just a little too much or perhaps a lot too much ;) I'm afraid I'm only human after all...

My son left yesterday on a flight to his father. I did not take him to the airport, someone from Ready4Life did. I couldn't. I did see him the night before, brought him some things, took him for a Tim Horton's coffee and let him talk for a bit. I sometimes do this to get an idea of where he is at mentally. If given the opportunity and if he feels safe then he usually opens up pretty easily about what he is thinking. As hard as it was to listen to my son's delusional thoughts and beliefs, I did take comfort in the fact that he still considers me a safe place to speak about them. I won't go into all of what he had to say except that he spoke of himself as being non-human, wanting to leave earth and not wanting to be connected to anyone by love.

I think off all the things that schizophrenia is, how I can love and hate it at the same time and I do, but the fact that it robs my son of the ability to feel love normally, is one of the hardest parts. I'm not saying that my son doesn't love because I know that he does. However he does love differently. He doesn't love in a way that allows for a certain amount of give and take or consideration for the other person. Of all the things that I fear for my son's future, one of my biggest fears is that schizophrenia will not release him enough for him to see the joy that giving can give. I do believe that it is possible as I see it happening with others. I just can't give up hope that it will happen with my son. That given time that part of him will mature and he will learn the true meaning of what it is to love and be loved.

I was talking to my daughter this morning. She asked if she was talking to much as she enjoyed talking to me. I enjoyed her talking to me too! It was actually reassuring to listen to her talk about her life.

As the title says, I'm doing my best to be positive or to hope for the best. As far as I know my son left with a limited supply of medications. I know that his Lithium wasn't refilled however I'm not to sure about his Clozapine. I did bring it up to him however he stated that he didn't plan on taking medications once he moved so there was no need, that if he has to be on medications for the rest of his life then he might as well end it now. I did reply that some people would gladly take pills if it meant a chance to keep living however I know that he doesn't see it this way so I let that conversation end. I have supplied what information I have regarding medications and his history and hopefully the right people will read and take note of what, I think, does or doesn't work best for my son. I am very relieved to know that it doesn't look like he is going back to the same psychiatrist that he used to have. If his new psychiatrist takes any interest in his past history and my notes then hopefully things will not turn out as I am fearing they will.

So I'm doing my best to have faith. That Donna, Dad & family and his new treatment team will take care of him. One day at a time right?

Mom
BarbieBF

Things went South... or North?

I swear this disease or disorder, whatever you want to call it, has a way of flipping things so that you don't know if up is down or left is right or North is South. Confusing right? Sorry I'm being my usual whimsical self.

After my blog post yesterday I happily went in and turned on the shower, thinking I can do this. Boy was I wrong. I ended up interrupting my son's 'private time' if you get my meaning and made him mad. So even though I backed off and walked away it was already too late. His anger took over and in the length of time it took me to walk down the hall, he started punching the wall and I could hear the rage taking over, he was just getting warmed up. Without even thinking I instinctively picked up the phone and called 911. I can't say I'm particularly proud of myself for doing this but I have been here before with my son and it quickly escalates into him threatening me with physical harm. Because I'm mom he thinks that it is ok. The last time my husband was home. This time I was alone and afraid of my son. Not a nice feeling. The 911 operator stayed on the phone with my son until officers arrived which is a good thing because he was telling her how angry he was and that he didn't think he could control it. She got to listen to a tirade of accusations against me. That I was stealing his disability check, controlling my husband to the point that he is afraid to stand up to me and should leave me, that I'm always yelling and that I punch things too... You would have to know me but I have never punched anything, period. I hate violence. He also accused me of discrimination because I told 911 that he has schizophrenia. It was so they would send mental health workers.

They arrived. Not that they were much help. I swear they should really have to learn the systems that they talk about before they talk about them. One of my son's biggest concerns through all this was his money that I was stealing. No matter how many times I explain it to him or even show him his disability stubs he just can't get his mind around it. No one else seems to get it either. So here is his stub for August.

He doesn't pay rent. He is board and lodging which means I cover all of his living expenses. The stub clearly shows that the check dated Aug 29 is for the period Aug 1-31 NOT for September. I have no idea why disability pays board and lodgings this way but they do. As for how much is supposed to come to me for board and lodgings. This is directly from the disability website: http://www.communitylivingontario.ca/

In situations where the individual’s shelter needs and basic needs are met by the same person or persons (for example, where they live with family members or someone else who provides both room and board) the ODSP income support is currently set at a combined amount of $706 per month for a single person.

Personal Needs Allowance (sometimes referred to as a “comfort allowance”) of $119 per month.

I'm not stealing his money because it's not his money. Somehow he gets $126 instead of $119. Perhaps a travel allowance for medical purposes.

I ended up having to give my son back his disability check even though he had already signed it and given it to me and I had already emailed him a transfer of $132. I must say the police officer was extremely helpful in agreeing with my son that that his check was for September (even though I showed him the stub!) and that if he hadn't accepted the email transfer then technically I hadn't given him his money. He was also very helpful in pointing out that even though my son's check was dated for the next day that he could deposit it in a bank machine. Then stated that he didn't want to get in the middle of it... Sorry to late, thanx for the help! So off my son goes with an $832 check! A check according to him last night I have! To bad for me I guess that I was going to put this towards rent...

Of course he downplayed not eating and sleeping. Said that he had taken his medications when he hadn't. He really does have a gift. Maybe he should be in sales? :) They left stating there was nothing that they could do. My son was happy of course because he had gotten what he wanted. His check and support from the officers that I was in the wrong. Part of me really wants to send a letter to the Police letting them know they really should have a clue before they say things that feed into someone's delusions. He came back from his walk that the officer's advised him to do to cool off, quit relaxed. Went to his room, all laid back, smoking, without a care in the world.

I waited until my husband got home from work then started calling shelters. Some numbers that PACT had given me to call. Guess what? Some of them won't tell me if they even have a bed available because it has to be son making the call. The one's that would tell me had no beds. Call back at 9:30 when we do our bed checks. So as usual I found my own resources. Found a shelter that of course wouldn't disclose to me if they have a bed so I put my son on the phone. It's one I had looked up before and deals with youth ages 16-21. They provide meals, school, employment and addiction counselling. Have a public health nurse and support staff. My son got off the phone and said he needed a ride. Waiting for him to get ready was fun as he took forever. At one point I went in to see what he was doing. Looking through his lighters and knickknacks deciding which ones to take. Finally he was ready then asked for his pocket knife back. I don't think I had it in me to argue this with him so went and got the case I had put all of his knives in, gave it to him and asked him to keep them all in there for now. Off we went to the shelter, with the windows rolled down! Found the place and dropped him off. Watched him go in. I managed to breathe through it but man was it hard.

Hubby and I went to get something to eat. I missed a call from the shelter so called them back. It was my son wanting me to come pick up his knives as he can't have them there. I had thought about telling him that this might be a problem when he asked for them but it's not like he would have believed me anyways. He needs to learn for himself that the world has expectations, rules and boundaries. So we drove the 20 minutes back to the shelter to find my son sitting outside waiting. He wanted me to take him to a thrift store so that he could sell his knives! He thinks he can get $300 for knives that all together cost less then $150. I said no, told him to give me the knives and I would put them away where they would be safe, that I didn't drive all the way back there for this. He handed them over and we left, again. I'm still not sure how I managed to not fall apart through all this but I did.

Once we got home I waited as long as I could then called the shelter to see if they would tell me if he was even there or not. Privacy laws you know. Picturing him wondering around a city he didn't know was killing me. I'm still surprised at this but they were going to call me because my son had actually signed a release giving them permission to talk to me! I think I'm still picking my jaw up off the floor! At first he was resistant but then he ate, calmed down and agreed. He ate! I don't even know if I can explain the relief that this phone call gave me. We went over his medications that he had taken with him. Of course he didn't take his Invega. At first there was some concern as his Trazodone bottle was empty and I knew that there should be about 21 of them. I found them dumped out on his dresser. I have no idea what he was thinking when he did this. He told them that he has anxiety, ADHD, OCD and schizophrenia so as is normal for my son, I gave them a heads up that he has a tendency to seek benzos for his anxiety. I was assured that they keep all medications locked up and controlled. So I filled them in on what has been happening for the past couple of weeks. They could tell that something was up but how delayed he was in talking to them. Since he is in a shelter for the first time there are services available to him that they will help him with. I gave them all of his treatment teams information and numbers. I let them know that he has his disability check on him. This is when I found out that according to him I have it. So I explained what happened.

So as hard as all this is I think that South may be North or down may be up. Meaning that he may be able to get the help that he needs where he is now. That what seems like a bad situation may in fact be the best thing for him. He can't blame mom for being controlling when where he is will put even more restrictions on him then I did. They won't let him stay up all night and sleep all day. He won't have control over his medications like he did here. There will be no punching walls just because someone made him mad and he certainly won't have as much privacy there as he did here. Him masturbating won't be a priority for them and it shouldn't be. He will have to learn some self-control. And if things start to go South again then they can get him the help that he needs as they are a part of the system instead of me fighting the system.

My son really does amaze me at times. I tried to check his computer this morning as he tends to write out his thoughts and beliefs in documents on his computer. Yes I want to know what's going on his head. He made sure before he left to disconnect everything from the laptop and log himself out. Of course I don't know the password ;) He is obviously thinking good enough to do this and far from psychotic enough to not do it.

So even though my heart is broken, shredded really, I do believe that I am making the right decision. It certainly helps that so far I have received nothing but support from his treatment team and assurances that as hard as it is I'm making the right decisions. This reality check has been a long time overdue.

Mom
BarbieBF

Forty Four Hours

That is how long my son was awake...

Surprisingly he was more aware than I thought. I thought time was not passing for him and that he was pretty lost in his own world but apparently not. I called his case worker this morning, chocking back tears, and let her know that he had at this point been awake for 37 hours, was not eating much and seemed to be having trouble focusing on things that I was saying or asking him. She agreed to come and evaluate the situation. He knew what day of the week it was, knew approximately how long he had been awake and even knew how many days it had been since we took him to emergency and got the Seroquel prescription. Too aware for involuntary admittance but I already knew this. His reasons for the fasting and not sleeping was somewhat delusional. Not sure when he decided to follow the Muslim faith but he felt that he was energizing his mind and body by doing this as the Muslims do. His case worker had a hard time understanding this as not eating and sleeping does not energize you but mania does. In my opinion it was schizophrenia symptoms that was doing the energizing. He did eat some supper last night which was mostly all he had eaten in about 35 hours. He ate some rice, a bite of chicken and a bite of his brussel sprouts. According to him he ate a big plate of dinner. My son really does have an amazing ability to change his reality to suit or explain things. Like saying it simply makes it so. So even though we were pretty sure that the hospital wouldn't admit him, his worker managed to talk him into going down for a check up due to his fasting and not sleeping.

I'm afraid my own feelings overwhelmed me at one point as I can see where things are heading and I really don't want him progressing to the point that he always has in the past for involuntary admittance. I don't want to wait until he is delusional, hallucinating and hearing negative voices before he gets the help that he needs. I'm trying to be pro-active! Honestly I can't believe how long it is taking him to decompress or go into psychosis. Without alcohol and marijuana to speed it along it is as slow as molasses... and frustrating. I think my tears where somewhat shocking to my son and he ended up telling his worker that he thinks I'm having a mental break. I did grin at that one! So he was quit happy to leave with her as he couldn't handle being around me and my break down. It's a good thing I waited until they left to actually cry! And give myself an headache!

As we already knew would happen, he got released and was sent home. He went straight to bed and is as far as I know sleeping. He already decided when his worker was here that he was done fasting and not sleeping. I think he was just telling her what he thought she needed to hear to not have him admitted. Either way he is in bed where he needs to be.

Now that I'm more aware of who is reading my blog, there is a part of me that doesn't want to write this part. But I will do what I normally do and continue... While my son was sent home from the hospital it is temporary. There was no beds available at any of the shelters. I'm pretty sure that once the lady from Ready4Life gets back from vacation than things will hopefully get moving on his applications for the group homes. In the mean time I don't think that staying here is the best thing for him and neither does his case worker or PACT. I can't even say how much her support means to me right now. It's pretty obvious that he will continue as he is which in my opinion is only doing his brain more harm then good. I can't motivate him to help himself out of this. He needs help and they can provide it to him. I have said before that the shelter we are looking into is not an unsupervised flop house. It has structure and support staff. They will expect him to be part of a routine and be minimally functional. He needs someone other then me to expect something from him. People that will expect and help him to act like the adult that he is. After that it will be a group home.

I'm guessing my son will sleep for awhile so maybe hubby and I will go out for dinner since it's almost 5 PM and I haven't even thought about what to make today.

Mom
BarbieBF

Patience is a virtue, or is it?

This blog post is more of a ponder then my usual blogging. This is not the first time that I have felt like I have no patience left to deal with my son or his schizophrenia. They say that patience is a virtue however at times I question if there is a limit to how virtuous I should be. How much patience should I have? Is it doing my son more harm then good? At what point do I say enough is enough?

For two weeks I have been watching my son barely maintain being stable. Stable from a medical perspective in that he has not reached the point of needing hospitalization and I don't know if he will reach that point. In my eyes he is far from stable compared to where he has been. He is coasting along in a world where time has little meaning and he is spending that time doing whatever it is that he is doing in his head. Contemplating his soul and the universe? Listening to voices or laughing with them or intrusive thoughts? Or testing his mental powers as I was told this morning when I asked him why he had taken out two decks of euchre cards.

I don't know if the tone of his schizophrenia has changed or if it has not progressed to where it has in the past. Just over a year ago it was telekinesis, astral projection and voices that he thought belonged to his cousins. I think I sometimes need a reminder of what it was like when he first came to live with me 15 months ago as his bad days now are still better then his best days back then. He has come a long ways since then. Telekinesis and astral projection have not been mentioned since I think September or October of last year, same with voices.

I have seen how well my son can do. I have seen what he is capable of. I believe that he is capable of so much more. I have read the articles on how a caregiver is supposed to provide a stress free environment. I have read articles on the possible long term damage that psychosis can cause when left untreated. I have read articles on anosognosia. Sometimes I get sick of reading and researching schizophrenia and what scientists think it is. I know the statistics. I believe that my son can beat this if he wants to or better yet if he has to.

All this brings me to my ponder on patience. Does being patient mean that I should not get upset or mad when I'm waking up every morning to the mess of a 5 year old? Does being patient mean I should not expect my son to take minimal responsibility for his own personal hygiene as well as his mental and physical health? Does being patient mean I don't have the right to make my own life and living conditions a priority?

If I had accepted what I was seeing 15 months ago as all there was then we would not be were we are today. If I accept what I am seeing today as being the best that he can be then there is little hope for his future. I refuse to give up the hope that my son can lead a better more fulfilling life.

So today I am out of patience. Not because I don't love my son but perhaps because of how much I do love him. Because if I don't get mad or expect more from him then I fear that I am giving schizophrenia free reign to work it's 'magic' in my son. I refuse to let it have my son. I refuse to accept that what I'm seeing today is all there is. Instead I will believe that there is a reason that I have run out of patience and that reason is that I need to motivate my son to be more then schizophrenia.

Mom
BarbieBF

Hurry up and wait game

I know someone who uses this phrase a lot and in this case it certainly fits. I feel like I'm playing a game of hurry up and wait. Wait to see if he is going to pull himself out of it or wait for the break. Either way I wish that it would hurry up and happen one way or the other. I think I have said this before! Deja vu!

This morning was another morning of him stating that he must have insomnia because he took his pills but couldn't sleep. He hadn't taken his pills. His confusion on this is not getting any better as I believe that he really did think that he had taken them. He did take them, his Clozapine and Lithium, and within 45 minutes went to bed after being up again for 19 hours. In the meantime I was listening to more laughing for no apparent reason. The laughing has been back since the 19th. He is explaining it away as a stress reliever and that he is laughing at stupid mental pictures. More animals although this time no mention of cow udders (it's ok I smiled too!) which is what he found so amusing the last time this happened. I think it's sheep this time. At this point I'm unsure if he is experiencing voices or not, although he says that he isn't. Of course I believe him... not. Voices are part of what got him admitted last time.

Turns out it was the Seroquel that made him feel like crying. Not the Trazodone. Something else he was confused about which is not like him. He is usually pretty on top of the names of his medications. I woke up one morning to my knife sharpener missing. I know he has a fascination with his switch blade and pocket knives but I put them all away. He asked me about them yesterday and I told him that I put them away. I haven't thrown them out and he can have them back but with him feeling suicidal I didn't feel comfortable with him having them in his room. The morning we took him to the hospital he had stated that he might as well slit his wrists if he has to be on pills for the rest of his life. He didn't deny feeling suicidal...

His case worker was here yesterday. He didn't remember meeting her on the 18th. His psychiatrist decided not to come see him because if the hospital would not admit him then there probably isn't too much that he can do except to have his case worker try to talk him into going back on the Invega. He is still refusing even though she tried to explain to him that if he wants to obtain his goals of moving out and being on his own than he needs to be more alert and functioning. She did comment that he seemed more alert. I don't think it's a good alert, I think it's more along the lines of his mind raising. She had to repeat a lot of what she was saying because he would stop focusing on her. Then it was like he would come back to seeing or focusing on her. While he may not have any overt signs of voices I do believe that they are there.

The lady from Ready4Life dropped off two applications today for group homes. One of them may have an opening coming up around September. So far we are all in agreement that this is probably the best choice for him. He wants his own place but he can't take care of himself and is unable to see that. He will have his own room and be expected to help and participate with chores and participate in daily activities. It has 24/7 onsite support staff and the majority of their clients are between the ages of 20-30 and 60% male. They also charge on a sliding scale so he can afford it. They will help teach him life skills. He didn't seem to impressed when I told him about the chores. I reminded him that he says that he is capable of doing them so it shouldn't be a problem. He also showed some resistance to the idea that they may oversee his medications. His case worker explained that it is nothing personal, they are just doing their jobs, which seemed to ease his defiance a little bit. Or he lost his focus again.

Overall he is barely maintaining be 'stable'. He is eating some. Sometimes he will have some supper but he is not eating like he normally does. Not drinking as much as he normally does. He hasn't been on his computer in days. I'm guessing he can't think or concentrate to be on it. He's been watching TV all night although I don't think he is watching it. He doesn't appear to be changing channels or turning it up to the volume that he usually watches TV at. I know because I'm usually asking him to turn it down in the middle of the night. So basically he is sitting or lying on the sofa with the TV on. I noticed this morning as well that he wasn't smoking cigarettes. When stressed he can smoke one every 15 minutes so if it has progressed to the point that he isn't smoking for extending periods then he is much to far into his own head space. I asked him last night why hasn't called his Nana yet and he said that he didn't know. Again I'm guessing that he just can't think to do it. He hasn't showered since the 12th and I don't think he has brushed his teeth since then either. He is sometimes changing his shirt. One day he did manage to groom his facial hair. I have no idea what prompted that. Ego? :) I have been reminding him to wash his bedding as it needs it. He acknowledges that it needs to be done and that it is a good idea but doesn't do it. The mom in me is having a tough time not pushing him to do these things or do it for him however doing it for him won't change the fact that this is currently where he is at. It would be like putting a band-aid on a broken bone. The band-aid won't fix it or cover it up.

His caseworker did take him to get his monthly blood work done and he did call in and refill his Lithium. She will probably take him to pick it up tomorrow although that means he only has 300 mg for tonight/tomorrow morning instead of 600 mg. I'm obviously not going to send him to a shelter like this, so that is off the table for now. For now it's just waiting... Hope that he pulls it together or has a break so that the damage being done to his brain is minimal.

Mom
BarbieBF

Knife Sharpener Guy

Between a Rock and a Hard Place.

I have not been so unsure of what to do in a long time. My heart is aching, my brain is saying it's time and I'm stuck, just stuck! No one can tell me what to do and no one can know what the outcome will be. I sometimes wonder about parent/caregiver PTSD. Watching our loved ones go through psychotic breaks and episodes is traumatic. Even when stable the fear of if/when the next break will happen is a daily concern and worry. We live with the anxiety and stress of questioning everything that we do. Is this the right choice? Will this work or make things worse? What if what I'm doing is wrong? and even What if what I'm doing is right? Then what? When things are tough we put our heads down, square our shoulders and pray for the strength to just get through one more day. We have learned to ride the waves, so to speak, and to hope for calmer waters. Then one day those waves abate just a little bit and we can look up. New uncharted territory. Do we pull ashore or keep riding the waves we now have intimate knowledge of? Christopher Columbus would not have discovered a new continent if he had stayed in the boat!

I woke up this morning to the usual mess in my kitchen and living room with my son snoring away on the sofa. Again he had not taken his pills until sometime this morning. I call his name and he sits up. The sofa is soaked with his sweat. Sweat that smells like hot sauce. After several attempts and incoherent responses I finally get him off the sofa and tell him he needs to clean up some of this mess as my husband won't be able to find room to even make his lunch for work. He managed to pick up a couple of items from the coffee table before heading to the bathroom to hug the toilet. A result of him being mobile while sedating meds are strong in his system or something else, as he has been going for 'walks' again. He must not have been very coherent when he was eating a bowl of canned ravioli as it was smeared on the sofa and on the floor. So it's 4:30 AM and I'm spot cleaning the sofa! Not a happy camper but I hold my tongue, put on some coffee since I'm obviously up, then talk him into moving from the bathroom to his bed so I can go pee. This is one boat that I don't want to be on anymore!

But! What will happen when he's on his own and there is no one that loves him watching out for him? Are his roommates going to tolerate even a quarter of what I tolerate? I have visions of him looking and smelling like a bum. Dirty laundry, dirty bedding. Garbage filled room. Not eating right. Perhaps even missed medications with un-monitored marijuana use. I see a psychotic break in the makings. PTSD or being realistic?

So I'm stuck between this proverbial rock and a hard place. My head is saying it's time to let go and my heart is saying but my little boy... There in lies perhaps a very important truth. He will always be my little boy but he is no longer a little boy. If I don't step back then I am only stunting him further as he will never learn to take responsibility for his own life and self-care. He will continue to have unrealistic expectations of both himself and those around him. The thought of him being 30 and us still treading the same waters is perhaps my life line. I can't imagine another 10 years of being maid and minion to my adult son. 

His nurse said to me this morning: He is the one always saying that he is an adult and wants to be treated like one. She also pointed out that him moving out doesn't mean that I will never see him again. I tell myself that kids grow up and move away from home everyday. Granted most of those kids have a firmer grasp on reality and don't have cognitive deficits. They have learned through school and part time jobs, good and bad, how things work. On the up side my son has a network of people willing to help him. Until now I have been the one doing the asking for him. Baby steps mama! I need to step back and he needs to step up! Have I talked myself into letting this happen yet? I think so... *pushes me the rock out of the way and baby steps around it*

An article on Caregivers & PTSD: http://dontloseheart.org/

Mom

BarbieBF

Easy peasy with a little patience mixed in... Folie à deux

With a little juggling my son got his watch yesterday. We took a taxi to the mall then to the grocery store where my hubby met us as we were checking out. Chiropractor then home to order pizza for supper. While waiting for the pizza hubby took my son back to the jewelers to adjust the band on his watch since it was too big. Oops, I should have had them do that when he bought it. We had to look up the discount price on my phone to show the jewelers as the price they had didn't match what was online. Thankfully that didn't take long to do as my son was showing signs of irritability with the sales clerk and my son got it for the online price. Whew! Originally an over $400.00 watch discounted to $190.00. Not bad!

Hubby took my daughter driving again while my son and I just vegged watching TV. Well the TV was on. My son was reading up on his new watch and I was dozing. By the time my hubby got back I was struggling to stay awake so it was off to bed for us. Another night that I didn't have to take Melatonin. I reminded my son about school and asked him if he wanted a Trazadone for sleep to which he replied no. I teased him a little bit that maybe tonight he could not forget to take his pills. He smiled and agreed. *fingers crossed* that things are finally starting to turn around. When my son can take my teasing without taking it as an insult that is a good sign. I woke up around 1:40 AM and he was sleeping on one of the sofa's while my daughter was watching I think another episode of Pretty Little Liars. His pill dish was empty! It took a couple of tries but I finally got him into bed. Every time I walk away he lies back down yet if I stand over him he gets irritated.

I slept in a bit this morning and didn't get up until almost 7. Started calling my son around 8. Finally got him up just before 9. School starts at 9. As much as I want him there on time I figure during times like this baby steps work best. I got out some clean cloths for him, got his backpack ready and filled his water bottle with iced tea. With some nice nagging, a lot of huns, sweethearts and pleases he got dressed, brushed his teeth when I asked him too and was finally ready to leave by 9:30. *pats self on back* As he was leaving he noticed an article that I was reading titled: Folie à deux: When Two People Go Insane Together. I was curious about couple psychosis due to a post I was reading on the Schizophrenia.com forum. Another good sign when my son notices or takes interest in things around him. Off to school he went and he even appeared to be in a good mood about it! He even noticed that I had filled his water bottle for him! I think I'm PMS'ing as for some reason I got a little choked up watching him leave. The normalcy of these situations seem to speak volumes to me, for which I am grateful, as they give me the hope that I need to keep fighting for my son's future.

The article I just spoke about got me thinking a little bit about the dynamics of the relationship between my son and his Nana. Folie à deux is a term that originated in psychiatry and was replaced by the term 'shared psychotic disorder', that is usually prevalent in couples but also happens within other family structures. The article states that: ... all that's really necessary is social isolation and a difficult-to-break connection between the two people. I'm not saying that my son's Nana is psychotic however I wonder if the stress of coping and living with my son for an extended period of time coupled with her unconditional, seemingly 'blind love' for my son has contributed to a very unhealthy view of the situation. I know that when things were bad that social isolation was certainly a factor. I know that her ability to step back and see a situation beyond what my son was telling her or seeing, from my point of view, become non-existent. Perhaps I am reaching as a way to deal with my own feelings of hurt that someone I do care about is unable to see me, what am I fighting for or what I think is the bigger picture. She seems to believe everything that my son tells her with apparent little regard for the facts. She has known me for over 22 years and while our relationship has had it's ups and downs as any in-law relationship would, that she could believe that I am who my son has sometimes painted me to be, truly is heartbreaking for me. For reasons that I will not write about here, I do know for a fact that her opinion of me is pretty low at the moment and she really does believe that I am not treating my son right. The sad part it that the only person that could probably fix this is my son himself. To fix it he would have to admit to her all the lies and manipulations that have been told. I certainly won't hold me breath on that one happening. The article states that forced separation should do the trick. While they are separated by distance they are not separate as when things are tough here she is but a sympathetic phone call away with only my son's, usually unstable, viewpoint being considered. I don't think he even calls her that much when things are going good which should speak volumes in my opinion however it is what it is. You can read the article here: http://io9.com/5955095/folie-a-deux-when-two-people-go-insane-together

My son just got back from school so I should go get my day started.

Mom
BarbieBF