The last couple of days I have been literally aching from head to toe as I have been hit with a cold. I haven't been working either as I have been doing my best to keep any talking to a bare minimum. Talking equals coughing. I have however discovered a wonderful cure to sinus congestion in peppermint oil. Knock on wood :). For the first time in my life-time of colds I have not had to deal with a runny nose or sinus congestion for longer then 5-10 minutes. As soon as it starts I put a dab on my finger and rub it in all around my nose and sinuses.
Dealing with my sore throat has not been so easy however I have been trying to be as pro-active as I can be. Lots of tea with honey, lemon and turmeric. Advil for my low grade fever and body aches. I was hoping to get back to work today however I'm having my doubts that will happen.
I may have to make a decision soon about work. I haven't been paid in over a month. Hubby and I were discussing a budget the other day so I took the time to write out how much we owe and how much our minimum monthly expenses are. We owe $43000. Our monthly expenses run around $5000. Add in extras like car maintenance, chiro or even us going out for dinner...
I don't even mind so much that I haven't been paid in a bit as I knew going in that this could happen. Still I can't let my boss get too far in dept with me either. It's dealing with some of the frustrations that make it not worth it. I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons of what I'm getting to what I could be getting. Yes I'm working from home and it's pretty cool to be doing that. I wanted to be able to continue to provide a certain level of care to my home and husband. Most importantly making good healthy dinners and spending our evenings together.
The last schedule change that my boss wanted... He wants me to work somewhere in the neighborhood of 9 am - 10:30 am, 11:30 am - 2 pm then 4 pm - 7:30 pm Mon-Thurs. Umm not! Plus it's a 6 days a week job. For the most part I don't mind as my husband usually works 6 days a week. Still I have dedicated most of my live to a job before and I'm not doing it again.
The pros... I get to work from home. What I've started to call my morning shift ;) I sometimes do in my PJ's. I can bake bread in between making calls. No one is micromanaging me.
The cons... I can work outside the home for less days with a more secure payment schedule.
I'm refusing to work past 6:30 pm. The other day I logged in and booked an appointment that had been confirmed through email. Through a pounding headache, tear filled stinging eyes with my body aching; I was trying to be responsible and keep an eye on my email... I booked an appointment without cc'ing someone that needs to be cc'd. Will I made a critical error... Why yes I did. I worked when I shouldn't have been working. I haven't logged in since. Things like this may be easier to take when your actually getting paid and not having to deal with the BS of someone not giving you the tools or knowledge to do your job properly.
Yes I know: The grass isn't greener on the other side... I think I take back most of the bitching I did about my old job. Every company has it's BS.
My son:
I found out on Friday that he was taking a bus to British Columbia on Sunday. Ontario to British Columbia is a 3 day bus ride.
2 weeks ago I had attended a group through the Schizophrenia Society and spoke to some of the others about how to go about getting my son admitted to hospital through court order. As usual it was a frustrating experience as everyone kept telling me that the hospital etc should have been telling me what to do. Well they weren't even with me asking for guidance. That included the PACT team. So even though I figured I had a bit of a fight ahead of me I still wanted to look into it.
I had been under the impression that my son was taking some medications as his nurse had told me that according to a worker at the shelter he was taking some. I knew that he wasn't taking care of his personal hygiene as I was helping with that when I saw him. I would get him to change his cloths and I would use wipes to clean his pits and face. Once I even took in Q-tips and had him clean his ears. Of course I had to do all this in the car since "Clients were not allowed to receive visitors".
Friday my son says to me: By the way I need to come and get my stuff because I'm going to Nanna's tomorrow. Both my husband and myself worked Friday and Saturday. Saturday I packed up what stuff he had here and took it to him. He asked if he could come home for the night and I agreed. I went into the shelter to collect his stuff and he had taken most of his cloths and electronics with him. There was nothing to collect and he was even wearing someone else's cloths and shoes.
I had thought that maybe my son and I could spend the evening together watching TV. It was after 9 by the time we got home. The first thing I had him do was put on some of his own cloths to find out that the shower he was supposed to have taken several days before wasn't obviously a good shower. He still smelled really bad. His hair and nails had been cut by his nurse from PACT. How he missed how bad my son smelled, I don't know.
I knew that my son's addiction had progressed from alcohol and marijuana to possibly cocaine and morphine. At one point I had brought one of his leather jackets home to try and clean and deodorize it but I had to throw it out. In the lining I found a baggy of white stuff. He thought he was buying cocaine. I think he got aspirin and bath salts. He did on one occasion tell me of a really nice guy that introduced him to morphine, he even had clean needles.
So many times I have fought the urge to bring him home. Canadian Thanksgiving I almost did. That morning I was going to... Then I thought it all through. To what end? I have no control over his money and therefor his ability to drink and use. When he drinks he becomes completely unmanageable in the home and puts everyone at physical risk. It would be 2 weeks of withdrawal, attitude and hopefully him just starting to get even on medications again before he got in another $600 from disability. And around it goes again. That's providing I could even keep him in the home that long.
Within 15 minutes of me bringing him home on Saturday he had spilled milk and juice all of the floor. By 10 he was outside in the back yard punching the walls. According to him he was doing art. I'm not sure either one of my neighbors that have young children were appreciating his form of art.
The fun part was when I decided to go through his backpack. The smell alone was enough to make me want to be sick. A couple of bottles of alcohol. One was almost full. My son not drink his alcohol! He was out of it to not remember that he had it. In the end I ended up tossing it and my husband went and got him a new one the next morning.
What else did I find? Lots of new needles in sterilized packaging along with Stericups... Sterilized cups for cooking your drugs in. Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for teaching addicts to be mindful of the transmission of diseases while they are shooting up. But seriously! Here's a new needle and cooking pot, don't forget to use an alcohol wipe first before you shot up with hands that are brown from nicotine and a months worth of build up body odor surrounding you. Come on! Really! I think they need to expand on these items to include a self-care manual with a toothbrush, toothpaste and at least some hand sanitizer and body wipes.
I didn't get to spend the evening with my son watching TV. I did get to spend until about 3 am with his voices. I have never seen them so bad. It was a constant dialogue between him and them. All you could hear was him whispering/talking to them under his breathe along with sporadic outbursts of laughter. Once I walked into the kitchen to him cocking and shooting a pretend gun.
He did take his medications when I gave them to him and finally they shut his voices up at around 3. Oh yes the medications I had been told he was taking. I picked up a months worth of unopened medications packages dating back to Sept 15.
I had been complacent again. After the last time his grandmother had said she wasn't taking him I thought I had some breathing room. I figured it was just a matter of time before he was admitted to hospital again. With that admission I was going to push for a reevaluation of his diagnoses since the PACT team was refusing my request. I would have also tried pushing for some sort of temporary decision making capabilities until I could further figure out how to get power of attorney through the mental health courts.
Sometimes I shake my head at myself because I really should know better. Everything was just too quiet. Whenever I asked my son if he was talking to his grandmother he would say not a lot. The PACT team stopped calling me. My son stopped asking to come home... Really that should have been enough for me to know. Hindsight is 20/20.
What bothers me the most is that I wasn't deemed worthy enough of so much as a phone call to say: Hey, I'm making arrangements for your son... I don't care what one wants to think of me personally. You can think I'm scum of the earth if you want to however the fact remains that I'm the one that carried him for 9 months and gave birth to him. The alone deserves a minimum amount of respect and consideration.
I wasn't deemed worthy enough of a phone call to say he made it there either. He did by the way.
I'm not sure how I feel about him being there. As I have been going through my own journey of letting go of things that I can't change, I know that I can't change or fix his addiction and therefor his mental health. I wasn't willing any longer to turn my home and world into circus to accommodate him. His grandmother is. Would I rather him be with her then where he was? Yes.
I don't think that it's going to have a good ending however I accept that this is what they both want.
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Showing posts with label Serenity Prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Serenity Prayer. Show all posts
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Sunday, June 28, 2015
You've lost your muchness.
One of my favorite movies is Alice in Wonderland.
The above quote came to mind last night when I was lying in bed listening to my son on the phone with his Nana doing his usual venting/lying.
On Friday when his case worker dropped off his medications; no change... She wasn't there for the team meeting so she doesn't know what was said other then his nurse told her that he would talk to me about the fact that there was no change. I let her know what was happening and she said she would try to find out what was going on.
That afternoon I spent a long time with my son rubbing his back and talking to him. I had decided to order pizza for dinner and he wanted me to get larges so that he could have left-overs. I agreed. About 20 minutes later I walk into his room to ask him what he wanted on one of the pizzas and he was smoking... He told me that I needed to prove to him why he wasn't allowed to smoke in his room since he pays for it. *sigh* Yes he pays for the privilege of using it. Just like I pay rent for the privilege of using this townhouse. It's still not my townhouse. Again I remind him that his cigarettes need to stay downstairs.
What happened next I won't say as even though I blog I still don't think disclosing what he was doing is appropriate. I will just say that it was gross and he was doing it for about 15 minutes in the living room. Numerous times I asked him to stop. I asked him to take it to his room. I asked him to wash his hands. He refused to do any of it. Laughed at me when I got mad.
Yes I took away his cigarettes. I ask so little from him and give so much. I went upstairs. A little while later he comes up stating that he had washed his hands, can he have his smokes back, that he was only scratching his penis. He didn't say it so nicely to me. Also as far as I can tell he certainly hadn't washed his hands. I told him no, that he knows full well what he was doing. He punched my bedroom door twice, called me a bitch and told me to fuck off. Thankfully he walked away after that as I wasn't sure for a minute if I was going to have to call 911, which I didn't want to do.
Friday night I asked hubby to sleep in my/our bed so that I could take a sleeping pill. He agreed but then went to his own bed. *sigh* Wasn't much I could so since I had already taken it. If my son was up to no good that night then I wouldn't know.
Yesterday was pretty quiet. Once my son asked me to explain what he did wrong... Honestly he knows and was doing his normal manipulation of details to suite himself. I said I wasn't going to discuss it and reminded him that he had punched my door twice etc. He said that I deserved it. He can try to pretend/play like none of that happened with his Nana but he knows full well what he did and the difference between how he talks to me about it and how he talks to her about it is a dead give away that he knows and remembers exactly what he did. Telling her the truth wouldn't get him the same sympathy... meaning money as that is what he is looking for.
On a side not to all this. I still included him on ordering the pizza and he got to pick the makings of one large. He also got onion rings. As for the cigarettes. He is still not without nicotine. He has his vaporizer that his aunt got him for his birthday with 3 bottles of e-liquid and one of them contains nicotine. Upstairs sometimes overwhelming smells of him using it along with this incense kick that he has been on lately. The incense I'm pretty sure started to cover up the smell of cigarette smoke.
Last night when I heard him on the phone... I think a part of me broke. I just felt like crying. I just don't know what else to do. Sure I can give in to him smoking in his room. To what end? Do I next give in to him masturbating and other things in the living room? I give into that then it will be drinking... It will never stop until he is smoking, drinking & using in his room, being a complete slob, off his meds and psychotic.
Either way it's not a life I'm willing to live or have in my home.
I still haven't gotten over my withdrawal from schizophrenia related sites that started in May. I try. I log into the forum almost every morning and check for moderator related flags but the thought of reading and catching up... My Facebook page is suffering. I have not been participating or giving much support in any of the Facebook groups that I'm in. I try to read the posts but reading about more parents and caregivers going through their hell just makes me feel sick. I'm trying so hard to keep myself positive and distance myself from the negative that I can't read too much from others to even give them support.
The other day I responded to a tweet by Coach Amy White of the blog Far From Paradise. She asked what being a caregiver has taught us. My response: It's taught me that I'm stronger then I thought I was and weaker then I though I was.
If you had asked me in 2012 if I had it in me to deal with all that we have been through since, I'm sure I would have looked completely shocked and if I had known what was to come... Maybe I wouldn't have stayed at home and brought him home. But then again, he's my son and I love him and even if I didn't think I had it in me I'm sure I would have done exactly what I did. Knowing what I know now... Yes I would do it all again. So yes I found more strength than I knew that I had.
I have also found weakness. Times like now and the past couple of weeks where I just can't seem to find the fight anymore. I'm sure it's buried deep down somewhere as I always seem to find it.
Imagine where I would be without my antidepressant? ;) I'm tired. Mentally tired. I'm at a lose.
Yes I've lost my muchness... I'm off. Back to my Facebook games where I don't have to think of mental illness. Where the flowers are beautiful and things are made from magic.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
The above quote came to mind last night when I was lying in bed listening to my son on the phone with his Nana doing his usual venting/lying.
On Friday when his case worker dropped off his medications; no change... She wasn't there for the team meeting so she doesn't know what was said other then his nurse told her that he would talk to me about the fact that there was no change. I let her know what was happening and she said she would try to find out what was going on.
That afternoon I spent a long time with my son rubbing his back and talking to him. I had decided to order pizza for dinner and he wanted me to get larges so that he could have left-overs. I agreed. About 20 minutes later I walk into his room to ask him what he wanted on one of the pizzas and he was smoking... He told me that I needed to prove to him why he wasn't allowed to smoke in his room since he pays for it. *sigh* Yes he pays for the privilege of using it. Just like I pay rent for the privilege of using this townhouse. It's still not my townhouse. Again I remind him that his cigarettes need to stay downstairs.
What happened next I won't say as even though I blog I still don't think disclosing what he was doing is appropriate. I will just say that it was gross and he was doing it for about 15 minutes in the living room. Numerous times I asked him to stop. I asked him to take it to his room. I asked him to wash his hands. He refused to do any of it. Laughed at me when I got mad.
Yes I took away his cigarettes. I ask so little from him and give so much. I went upstairs. A little while later he comes up stating that he had washed his hands, can he have his smokes back, that he was only scratching his penis. He didn't say it so nicely to me. Also as far as I can tell he certainly hadn't washed his hands. I told him no, that he knows full well what he was doing. He punched my bedroom door twice, called me a bitch and told me to fuck off. Thankfully he walked away after that as I wasn't sure for a minute if I was going to have to call 911, which I didn't want to do.
Friday night I asked hubby to sleep in my/our bed so that I could take a sleeping pill. He agreed but then went to his own bed. *sigh* Wasn't much I could so since I had already taken it. If my son was up to no good that night then I wouldn't know.
Yesterday was pretty quiet. Once my son asked me to explain what he did wrong... Honestly he knows and was doing his normal manipulation of details to suite himself. I said I wasn't going to discuss it and reminded him that he had punched my door twice etc. He said that I deserved it. He can try to pretend/play like none of that happened with his Nana but he knows full well what he did and the difference between how he talks to me about it and how he talks to her about it is a dead give away that he knows and remembers exactly what he did. Telling her the truth wouldn't get him the same sympathy... meaning money as that is what he is looking for.
On a side not to all this. I still included him on ordering the pizza and he got to pick the makings of one large. He also got onion rings. As for the cigarettes. He is still not without nicotine. He has his vaporizer that his aunt got him for his birthday with 3 bottles of e-liquid and one of them contains nicotine. Upstairs sometimes overwhelming smells of him using it along with this incense kick that he has been on lately. The incense I'm pretty sure started to cover up the smell of cigarette smoke.
Last night when I heard him on the phone... I think a part of me broke. I just felt like crying. I just don't know what else to do. Sure I can give in to him smoking in his room. To what end? Do I next give in to him masturbating and other things in the living room? I give into that then it will be drinking... It will never stop until he is smoking, drinking & using in his room, being a complete slob, off his meds and psychotic.
Either way it's not a life I'm willing to live or have in my home.
I still haven't gotten over my withdrawal from schizophrenia related sites that started in May. I try. I log into the forum almost every morning and check for moderator related flags but the thought of reading and catching up... My Facebook page is suffering. I have not been participating or giving much support in any of the Facebook groups that I'm in. I try to read the posts but reading about more parents and caregivers going through their hell just makes me feel sick. I'm trying so hard to keep myself positive and distance myself from the negative that I can't read too much from others to even give them support.
The other day I responded to a tweet by Coach Amy White of the blog Far From Paradise. She asked what being a caregiver has taught us. My response: It's taught me that I'm stronger then I thought I was and weaker then I though I was.
If you had asked me in 2012 if I had it in me to deal with all that we have been through since, I'm sure I would have looked completely shocked and if I had known what was to come... Maybe I wouldn't have stayed at home and brought him home. But then again, he's my son and I love him and even if I didn't think I had it in me I'm sure I would have done exactly what I did. Knowing what I know now... Yes I would do it all again. So yes I found more strength than I knew that I had.
I have also found weakness. Times like now and the past couple of weeks where I just can't seem to find the fight anymore. I'm sure it's buried deep down somewhere as I always seem to find it.
Imagine where I would be without my antidepressant? ;) I'm tired. Mentally tired. I'm at a lose.
Yes I've lost my muchness... I'm off. Back to my Facebook games where I don't have to think of mental illness. Where the flowers are beautiful and things are made from magic.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Monday, April 13, 2015
How do you stay so calm? Behind the Wall
This is what my husband asked me last night. "When I hear him talking like that my blood boils. All I can see is it all happening all over again." Yes me too...
I'm doing my best to learn to let go of things that I can't change or have no control over. My hubby: "Yes but I have seen you, when you put your mind to it, and you do have control and you are able to stop it." Yes but only for a little while... It's raining outside. I can stand under an umbrella but eventually I'm going to get wet. I'm just putting off the inevitable.
I recently purchased a book: Behind the Wall. Click on the book title and it will take you to it. I have barely started the first chapter and already I have felt a connection with the writers and the families they are writing about. In the preface something stood out for me:
"No parent, for example, ever wants to admit there are times when one secretly wishes her child to precede her in death. No one ever thinks that. But this is not an uncommon or unjustified thought for a parent to have while her child is suffering from a particularly devastating episode related to mental illness."
Widdifield, Mary; Widdifield MA, Elin (2015-03-02). Behind the Wall: The True Story of Mental Illness as Told by Parents (Kindle Locations 175-177). Langdon Street Press. Kindle Edition.
No I'm not secretly wishing my son was dead nor is he going through a bad episode right now. Still the ideal expressed in this quote is somewhere that I have been in the past and most likely where I will be in the future, again...
On Saturday while we were setting up the backyard and my thoughts were wondering as they usually do. I asked my son if financially his Nana and I were the same and I couldn't provide him with the things that I do, would he want to stay with me? Of course his first question was: Why are you broke? ;) Over $30000 in debt but that's not the point... I wasn't really expecting a black or white answer and told him that I was just curious as I don't want our relationship based on my ability to be a bank account to him. I purposely didn't say the word love as I don't think my son feels or reacts to things based on love. Not saying he doesn't feel it however it's secondary to his own needs or wants. Anyways he basically said that he is comfortable with me, Dad and Nana...
I use tinctures or herbs to treat my menopause and keep my hormones regulated. My son knows this. He has tried a tincture in the past for anxiety however abused it so I ended up getting rid of it. Just because they are herbs or natural it doesn't mean that they can be abused without harmful side affects.
Because he is struggling with anxiety most likely due to no alcohol now since Wednesday and he knows that he can't get any benzos prescribed, he is looking for another means to self-medicate. I have told him that I'm willing to work with him on things like this to help him with withdrawal and anxiety however he is not going to find the relief he is seeking through a supplement. He says that is not looking for benzo relief however I know better. So we tried a tincture... Yesterday he tells me that it isn't working and asked if we can try another one. Tinctures are not cheap. They range from $20-$50 CAD a bottle.
What do you think preceding me saying no to another tincture? Maybe it would be best if I lived with Nana. That was the agreement anyways that after 6 months I could do that...
It wasn't my agreement and still isn't. This is from when my son was in the shelter the last time and as best that I can tell the agreement was that after 6 months of my son being in a group home and participating in addiction recovery that his Nana would start saving money for him to go out there.
All fine and dandy... What does this mean for my son though? It means he doesn't have to put forth any effort into managing his own life or trying to get better because Nana is waiting in the wings and life with Nana is certainly a lot easier then life with me. I have rules. I have boundaries. He can't manipulate me the way he manipulates her.
My love for him is different. It can see past his feel sorry for me manipulations and half truths that schizophrenia and mostly addiction allows him to speak without so much as batting an eye... Getting what he thinks he deserves is his priority and what others go through to make this happen doesn't matter to him. He knows that Nana would give up anything to give him what he wants. He knows that she can't say no to him. Whether it's good for him or not doesn't fit into the equation. In his eyes that is what love is... Be his minion and put him on a pedestal and you have proven that you love him...
How can that compete with my version of love that says yes I love you but I love and respect myself too. Yes you are special. So are others special too. Yes you have wants and needs. So do others. Yes you have experienced pain. So have others. Yes you deserve a good life... You get my point. I can't compete and I'm not going to try. He can accept my love for what it is or not. A love that sees past right now to a future that could be so much more then burying himself in the fake euphoria that addiction gives him. I use the word euphoria because two nights ago this is what he told me he wanted and what he was looking for.
So the conversation started to get a little heated. He got mad or upset that he is not getting the money that he thinks he should get. Some time ago we signed a room and board contract stating that he would pay me $700 a month because I pay for everything including cloths etc. Disability knows about this contract. I came to this dollar amount by spending considerable time going over the disability website and how they break down their funding. Because he is room and board instead of rent and paying for his own groceries, utilities etc then his payments are $841 instead of 9 something. While living with his Nana they said that he was paying his portion of the rent plus utilities etc so he got a bit more then here. Because it was rent then he got his money at the end of the month for the following month. Here he is room and board which gets paid at the end of the month for that month. You would have to ask disability why they do it this way however he does now have clarification from disability that it works that way so at least we don't have to have that argument anymore.
It clearly states on the disability website that his personal spending amount or money not for basic needs is $119. Do the math. $841 - $119 = $722.
While he was in the shelter the last time I did tell him that I would consider looking at $600 a month instead of $700 IF he was to start buying things for himself like he was supposed to with that money. Not drugs, alcohol, games... Since March 21st we have spent over $200 on him in extras. Not counting McDonald's, Tim Horton's, Chinese food... or the cloths we have gotten him since he loses items while in the shelter system. We have paid for cigarettes for him. I didn't take any money from his disability payment for February and he got the full payment, so that he could buy items for his room.
Givers have to set limits because takers never do...
So no I'm not changing the $700 to $600. Can you guess what followed? The phone call to Nana.
If what you are doing is making an addict happy then chances are you are enabling instead of helping.
Then I'm being asked to talk to Nana and make arrangements. No I'm not talking to Nana and I will not so much as lift a baby finger to help with something that I am dead set against. Considering what has happened in the past, why would I help make that happen again?
My son's case worker from PACT just left...
The kicker is this... Thursday and Friday my son was asking me to help him get his GED (high-school equivalent) because he needs it to work with my husband in construction and he had decided he wanted to do that. Today we were supposed to be looking into either getting him back with the YMCA or into another school that does adult learning.
Nana's intentions may be good and I know are coming from a place of love... When my son pulls on her heartstrings with how much he needs to drink or get high because he is so unhappy, stressed, anxious and there is nothing for him in this world... Will she have the willpower to say no? Will she be able to put aside how much she loves him and how much her heart is breaking for him to make the right decisions? Will she be able keep her home drug and alcohol free even if that means him 'going to the streets' to get it?
My son just admitted to his worker that 30% (I say 60%) of the reason he wants to go live with Nana is because it's easier there and because she won't be able to say no to him...
Today for the first time in a very long time I had trouble getting him to take his medication. He doesn't want to take his Olanzapine any more. Why would he? He is already plotting to get the life that he wants which is addiction and psychosis. Both of those worlds are so much happier for him. It's the collateral damage and who he will take with him when the time comes that I am all to aware of. What if it's my daughter the next time or prey tell some innocent bystander...
Am I calm? Inside I am seething that no matter how hard I try to change the path that two dysfunctional families have set my children on... I feel like I'm losing the battle yet again. Is dysfunctional love better then no love? I don't think so. Without dysfunction one can find healthy love and a better life.
As long as this relationship is part of the picture and my son has the freedom to run away time and time again and hide in his schizophrenia and addiction... For my own life and sanity I have to learn to accept and let go. Maybe send another prayer to Donna, my mom in heaven, to once again watch over her first born grandson and if possible interfere so that I can give him the future he deserves.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
I'm doing my best to learn to let go of things that I can't change or have no control over. My hubby: "Yes but I have seen you, when you put your mind to it, and you do have control and you are able to stop it." Yes but only for a little while... It's raining outside. I can stand under an umbrella but eventually I'm going to get wet. I'm just putting off the inevitable.
I recently purchased a book: Behind the Wall. Click on the book title and it will take you to it. I have barely started the first chapter and already I have felt a connection with the writers and the families they are writing about. In the preface something stood out for me:
"No parent, for example, ever wants to admit there are times when one secretly wishes her child to precede her in death. No one ever thinks that. But this is not an uncommon or unjustified thought for a parent to have while her child is suffering from a particularly devastating episode related to mental illness."
Widdifield, Mary; Widdifield MA, Elin (2015-03-02). Behind the Wall: The True Story of Mental Illness as Told by Parents (Kindle Locations 175-177). Langdon Street Press. Kindle Edition.
No I'm not secretly wishing my son was dead nor is he going through a bad episode right now. Still the ideal expressed in this quote is somewhere that I have been in the past and most likely where I will be in the future, again...
On Saturday while we were setting up the backyard and my thoughts were wondering as they usually do. I asked my son if financially his Nana and I were the same and I couldn't provide him with the things that I do, would he want to stay with me? Of course his first question was: Why are you broke? ;) Over $30000 in debt but that's not the point... I wasn't really expecting a black or white answer and told him that I was just curious as I don't want our relationship based on my ability to be a bank account to him. I purposely didn't say the word love as I don't think my son feels or reacts to things based on love. Not saying he doesn't feel it however it's secondary to his own needs or wants. Anyways he basically said that he is comfortable with me, Dad and Nana...
I use tinctures or herbs to treat my menopause and keep my hormones regulated. My son knows this. He has tried a tincture in the past for anxiety however abused it so I ended up getting rid of it. Just because they are herbs or natural it doesn't mean that they can be abused without harmful side affects.
Because he is struggling with anxiety most likely due to no alcohol now since Wednesday and he knows that he can't get any benzos prescribed, he is looking for another means to self-medicate. I have told him that I'm willing to work with him on things like this to help him with withdrawal and anxiety however he is not going to find the relief he is seeking through a supplement. He says that is not looking for benzo relief however I know better. So we tried a tincture... Yesterday he tells me that it isn't working and asked if we can try another one. Tinctures are not cheap. They range from $20-$50 CAD a bottle.
What do you think preceding me saying no to another tincture? Maybe it would be best if I lived with Nana. That was the agreement anyways that after 6 months I could do that...
It wasn't my agreement and still isn't. This is from when my son was in the shelter the last time and as best that I can tell the agreement was that after 6 months of my son being in a group home and participating in addiction recovery that his Nana would start saving money for him to go out there.
All fine and dandy... What does this mean for my son though? It means he doesn't have to put forth any effort into managing his own life or trying to get better because Nana is waiting in the wings and life with Nana is certainly a lot easier then life with me. I have rules. I have boundaries. He can't manipulate me the way he manipulates her.
My love for him is different. It can see past his feel sorry for me manipulations and half truths that schizophrenia and mostly addiction allows him to speak without so much as batting an eye... Getting what he thinks he deserves is his priority and what others go through to make this happen doesn't matter to him. He knows that Nana would give up anything to give him what he wants. He knows that she can't say no to him. Whether it's good for him or not doesn't fit into the equation. In his eyes that is what love is... Be his minion and put him on a pedestal and you have proven that you love him...
How can that compete with my version of love that says yes I love you but I love and respect myself too. Yes you are special. So are others special too. Yes you have wants and needs. So do others. Yes you have experienced pain. So have others. Yes you deserve a good life... You get my point. I can't compete and I'm not going to try. He can accept my love for what it is or not. A love that sees past right now to a future that could be so much more then burying himself in the fake euphoria that addiction gives him. I use the word euphoria because two nights ago this is what he told me he wanted and what he was looking for.
So the conversation started to get a little heated. He got mad or upset that he is not getting the money that he thinks he should get. Some time ago we signed a room and board contract stating that he would pay me $700 a month because I pay for everything including cloths etc. Disability knows about this contract. I came to this dollar amount by spending considerable time going over the disability website and how they break down their funding. Because he is room and board instead of rent and paying for his own groceries, utilities etc then his payments are $841 instead of 9 something. While living with his Nana they said that he was paying his portion of the rent plus utilities etc so he got a bit more then here. Because it was rent then he got his money at the end of the month for the following month. Here he is room and board which gets paid at the end of the month for that month. You would have to ask disability why they do it this way however he does now have clarification from disability that it works that way so at least we don't have to have that argument anymore.
It clearly states on the disability website that his personal spending amount or money not for basic needs is $119. Do the math. $841 - $119 = $722.
While he was in the shelter the last time I did tell him that I would consider looking at $600 a month instead of $700 IF he was to start buying things for himself like he was supposed to with that money. Not drugs, alcohol, games... Since March 21st we have spent over $200 on him in extras. Not counting McDonald's, Tim Horton's, Chinese food... or the cloths we have gotten him since he loses items while in the shelter system. We have paid for cigarettes for him. I didn't take any money from his disability payment for February and he got the full payment, so that he could buy items for his room.
Givers have to set limits because takers never do...
So no I'm not changing the $700 to $600. Can you guess what followed? The phone call to Nana.
If what you are doing is making an addict happy then chances are you are enabling instead of helping.
Then I'm being asked to talk to Nana and make arrangements. No I'm not talking to Nana and I will not so much as lift a baby finger to help with something that I am dead set against. Considering what has happened in the past, why would I help make that happen again?
My son's case worker from PACT just left...
The kicker is this... Thursday and Friday my son was asking me to help him get his GED (high-school equivalent) because he needs it to work with my husband in construction and he had decided he wanted to do that. Today we were supposed to be looking into either getting him back with the YMCA or into another school that does adult learning.
Nana's intentions may be good and I know are coming from a place of love... When my son pulls on her heartstrings with how much he needs to drink or get high because he is so unhappy, stressed, anxious and there is nothing for him in this world... Will she have the willpower to say no? Will she be able to put aside how much she loves him and how much her heart is breaking for him to make the right decisions? Will she be able keep her home drug and alcohol free even if that means him 'going to the streets' to get it?
My son just admitted to his worker that 30% (I say 60%) of the reason he wants to go live with Nana is because it's easier there and because she won't be able to say no to him...
Today for the first time in a very long time I had trouble getting him to take his medication. He doesn't want to take his Olanzapine any more. Why would he? He is already plotting to get the life that he wants which is addiction and psychosis. Both of those worlds are so much happier for him. It's the collateral damage and who he will take with him when the time comes that I am all to aware of. What if it's my daughter the next time or prey tell some innocent bystander...
Am I calm? Inside I am seething that no matter how hard I try to change the path that two dysfunctional families have set my children on... I feel like I'm losing the battle yet again. Is dysfunctional love better then no love? I don't think so. Without dysfunction one can find healthy love and a better life.
As long as this relationship is part of the picture and my son has the freedom to run away time and time again and hide in his schizophrenia and addiction... For my own life and sanity I have to learn to accept and let go. Maybe send another prayer to Donna, my mom in heaven, to once again watch over her first born grandson and if possible interfere so that I can give him the future he deserves.
Mom
BarbieBF
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Saturday, October 11, 2014
Painting, Cleaning, In and Out.
It's been a fairly busy week. Saturday hubby and I decided it's time to start doing some things for ourselves and our apartment. For awhile we were tossing around the idea of moving and now that we can as we finally have clear credit reports!, we have decided not to (at least for now). Go figure right! So in deciding to stay it was time to do some painting and fixing. Between my hubby's work dust and my son's temper tantrums there was some painting and patching up to do. I learned how to use PollyFilla to fill in the knife holes among other things. We haven't gotten to painting these parts yet as it's mostly doors and we are doing those last so fingers crossed I did an ok job. First it was deciding on some neutral colors. We decided on tan for the main living areas and linen for our bedroom and probably the spare bedroom too. So far we have done the entrance way, dining room, living room and our bedroom. I'm impressed, it looks good! Scrubbing the splattered paint off the bedroom floor was fun! As was scrubbing the paint off of the marble window ledges that the lovely painters did before I moved in. Contractors paid by apartment which explains the painted macaroni I discovered when I moved in and went to put my dishes away (I'm serious!). SOS and some elbow grease... Will a lot of elbow grease for me. Going over and over the same spot is my way of cleaning since I'm not really strong enough to get it off that easily. As I told my hubby, it's one of the very few times that I wish that I was a man and/or physically stronger. Honestly I gave up after two window ledges, 3-4 SOS pads and arms that felt like jelly. Getting the paint off the bedroom floor was a lot easier. I have even helped paint some walls which I think is equivalent to a couple of work-outs on my stepper so I don't feel so bad that I haven't done it in awhile ;) I thanked my chiropractor yesterday as a couple of years ago I would not have been able to anywhere near what I have been doing to help. In fact it was painting that got me to a chiropractor in the first place. The straw that broke the camels back combined with 13 year old whiplash, bad posture and a touch of scoliosis in my neck.
Saturday we also went bedroom shopping. What started out as just mattresses turned into a bedroom set. Hubby is tired of us not sleeping in the same bed. Between my insomnia, his sleep apnea and restless leg... I wasn't getting much sleep. I'm on the fence with this though as I have been enjoying have a bed to myself and not being jostled awake by his restless feet! lol Seriously though I do miss having him beside me, sometimes ;) The mattresses we have are old. They were my mother's and like almost everything else in our room is not less then 10-15 years old. I realized that at the age of 42 I have never had a new or matching bedroom set and haven't had a new bed in about 20 years. Yup it was time! I even figured out yesterday how to put off paying for it for like 8 months! A little juggling here and there but it can be done. By that time we should have our finances under control, hopefully, I think I'm seeing a job in my near future...
The bedroom set is supposed to get delivered on Sunday. Even hubby is excited about this. We have actually had fun shopping, painting and cleaning together. Some good old one on one, husband and wife bonding time! Including the nagging from me that he needs to put on his glasses so he can see the messes he is making... paint all over my canisters, the coffee maker, kettle etc. He started doing clean up in the tub. Not sure if we were thinking that we could get the painting all done last weekend. If we were then we were obviously not thinking clearly. We still have the spare bedroom and hallway to do. Really there is no rush though. The priority was getting the bedroom done before Sunday and thoughts of the delivery people scratching a newly painted hallway...
The spare bedroom. It's been my daughter's room, my brother-in-law's room, my son's room and now my hubby's room (until Sunday). I figure it's best to just start calling it the spare room since from day to day I have no idea who is going to be in it anymore.
I have only talked to my son once since he left and that was a fairly useless conversation. He was so 'distracted' that he could barely answer a simple question. Last Friday he was admitted to hospital. I still don't know why... Not that it matters now. I'm guessing it was for psychosis related reasons? Yesterday he was released. I sometimes wonder how much more disappointed I can get in the system but that is probably not a question I want answered. To quote Elvis Presley during the (19) '68 Comeback Special, "Never ceases to amaze me. Baby" There is no way, in my opinion, that he was stable enough after barely a week of being medication compliant. He was released after three weeks during his last hospitalization and was barely stable. The chances of him staying medication compliant when he currently has zero insight is slim to none. Unfortunately I didn't find out that he was getting released or that anyone was trying to release him until it was too late. It seems no one thinks that keeping me informed on what is happening with my son is important. I keep asking myself why I would expect any different? (Yes, perhaps I do need a little cheese with my whine)
A week ago I was pretty determined on what my next steps were going to be. I have gathered information on what it is that I want to do and I have contacted a lawyer and got some advise on the steps I should take and who I should contact. Yet, I find myself hesitating... I'm hesitating because of my son. If everyone, including him, is so determined to keep him mentally unwell or psychotic then perhaps I should let it happen. I must say it really irks me to even say that however until he can reach a point where he can see that the choices that he is making, and consequences, are doing him more harm then good then I'm fighting an uphill battle that may not be the right thing for right now. If it was just him... However it's not just him. As long as he has the support that he currently has and wants, albeit for the wrong reasons (no boundaries, rules or expectations), then it makes advocating for his mental well-being a lot harder. It's like having a leaky roof that does damage to your walls so you paint your walls, over and over instead of fixing the leaky roof. How much advocating or painting can I do if the leak in the roof is not being attended to? But what irritates me is that now no one is trying to fix that leaky roof and damage is being done even if it can't be seen.
My biggest fear is that by not doing anything, I am in fact, making the wrong decision. Hopefully I will know when to step in and deal with my son's resentment and hopefully it will not be too late.
Mom
BarbieBF
Saturday we also went bedroom shopping. What started out as just mattresses turned into a bedroom set. Hubby is tired of us not sleeping in the same bed. Between my insomnia, his sleep apnea and restless leg... I wasn't getting much sleep. I'm on the fence with this though as I have been enjoying have a bed to myself and not being jostled awake by his restless feet! lol Seriously though I do miss having him beside me, sometimes ;) The mattresses we have are old. They were my mother's and like almost everything else in our room is not less then 10-15 years old. I realized that at the age of 42 I have never had a new or matching bedroom set and haven't had a new bed in about 20 years. Yup it was time! I even figured out yesterday how to put off paying for it for like 8 months! A little juggling here and there but it can be done. By that time we should have our finances under control, hopefully, I think I'm seeing a job in my near future...
The bedroom set is supposed to get delivered on Sunday. Even hubby is excited about this. We have actually had fun shopping, painting and cleaning together. Some good old one on one, husband and wife bonding time! Including the nagging from me that he needs to put on his glasses so he can see the messes he is making... paint all over my canisters, the coffee maker, kettle etc. He started doing clean up in the tub. Not sure if we were thinking that we could get the painting all done last weekend. If we were then we were obviously not thinking clearly. We still have the spare bedroom and hallway to do. Really there is no rush though. The priority was getting the bedroom done before Sunday and thoughts of the delivery people scratching a newly painted hallway...
The spare bedroom. It's been my daughter's room, my brother-in-law's room, my son's room and now my hubby's room (until Sunday). I figure it's best to just start calling it the spare room since from day to day I have no idea who is going to be in it anymore.
I have only talked to my son once since he left and that was a fairly useless conversation. He was so 'distracted' that he could barely answer a simple question. Last Friday he was admitted to hospital. I still don't know why... Not that it matters now. I'm guessing it was for psychosis related reasons? Yesterday he was released. I sometimes wonder how much more disappointed I can get in the system but that is probably not a question I want answered. To quote Elvis Presley during the (19) '68 Comeback Special, "Never ceases to amaze me. Baby" There is no way, in my opinion, that he was stable enough after barely a week of being medication compliant. He was released after three weeks during his last hospitalization and was barely stable. The chances of him staying medication compliant when he currently has zero insight is slim to none. Unfortunately I didn't find out that he was getting released or that anyone was trying to release him until it was too late. It seems no one thinks that keeping me informed on what is happening with my son is important. I keep asking myself why I would expect any different? (Yes, perhaps I do need a little cheese with my whine)
A week ago I was pretty determined on what my next steps were going to be. I have gathered information on what it is that I want to do and I have contacted a lawyer and got some advise on the steps I should take and who I should contact. Yet, I find myself hesitating... I'm hesitating because of my son. If everyone, including him, is so determined to keep him mentally unwell or psychotic then perhaps I should let it happen. I must say it really irks me to even say that however until he can reach a point where he can see that the choices that he is making, and consequences, are doing him more harm then good then I'm fighting an uphill battle that may not be the right thing for right now. If it was just him... However it's not just him. As long as he has the support that he currently has and wants, albeit for the wrong reasons (no boundaries, rules or expectations), then it makes advocating for his mental well-being a lot harder. It's like having a leaky roof that does damage to your walls so you paint your walls, over and over instead of fixing the leaky roof. How much advocating or painting can I do if the leak in the roof is not being attended to? But what irritates me is that now no one is trying to fix that leaky roof and damage is being done even if it can't be seen.
My biggest fear is that by not doing anything, I am in fact, making the wrong decision. Hopefully I will know when to step in and deal with my son's resentment and hopefully it will not be too late.
Mom
BarbieBF
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Serenity to accept the things I cannot change...
I wear the Serenity Prayer on a charm on my necklace. My mom bought it for me in 2001, not long before she passed away, when I was on my first attempt to get clean from addiction. It held meaning for us both then and today I find myself revisiting it's meaning yet again.
Above picture credit to: Etsy
My normal optimism had deserted me for a little bit. I tried to blame it on PMS which I'm sure played it's part but I also recognize that there are things going on that are making me feel sad. My daughter left yesterday to go back home with her dad. I miss her already. This journey I find my son and I on is, as usual, keeping me on my toes but underneath all that is a sadness that has been building up for some time now. I find myself reading and rereading these words and realizing that once again I need to apply it's wisdom to my own life.
A couple of days ago my mom's birth sister contacted me wanting to met up with my sister and I at an Elvis Festival going on this weekend. For those who are not aware an Elvis Festival is were Elvis Tribute Artists (ETA's) compete and show their love for Elvis Presley. For several years my older sister and I bonded and rebuilt our relationship through a mutual love of Elvis's music. Granted I had no idea about any of this the first time my sister asked me to go to Akron to see an ETA with her. Go where? To see a what? I still chuckle over the memory of that conversation. Anyways fast forward to January of this year and we had a falling out. Sadly over money and other things. I take full responsibility for the falling out as it is my quest for answers that has caused this rift. I find that without the answers, or proof of the answers I am getting, that I am unable to continue the relationship. Add in years of hurt and misunderstandings and I now find myself without not one but two sisters. My younger sister has also cut off communicating with me and I can only guess that it is a result of the falling out with my older sister as we were communicating up until that point. Since then she has not responded to me so I can only assume since she won't even confirm one way or the other her reasons. I have tried to put it behind me and I try to pretend like it doesn't hurt since the choice to walk away was mine. Well enough of pretending. It does hurt and it hurts more then I thought that it would. Not so much the current rift but the reasons leading up to it. So I read the words of the above prayer. I had finally found the courage to ask the questions that had been haunting me for a very long time. Questions that are still in my mind unanswered. Now I need the serenity to accept what I cannot change. Family can be hard sometimes. I see it also with other blogs that I follow. Hurt and misunderstandings that get in the way of the love that we share. Our own hurts and their hurts. Walking away doesn't lessen the pain nor the love so I guess acceptance is what we are left with and hopefully having the wisdom to know that which we cannot change can bring us the serenity that we seek.
I'm afraid we missed our appointment today with Ready4Life. We were 15 mintues late and just missed her. Rescheduled to Friday. Still have to get him down for blood work.
My son's psychiatrist appointment yesterday went well. We discussed, or I tried to discuss, my son's diagnose(s). Officially schizophrenia with concurrent disorders... The concurrent disorders being unofficially addiction, ADHD and ODD and per my son OCD. As my hubby sometimes jokes 'So we are playing the alphabet game.' Really in the end they are only letters of the alphabet. As long as we are taking care of symptoms or helping to lessen the 'stress' that he is going through then we are doing our jobs. My son agreed to a switch from Risperidone to Invega. No change in his Clozapine and we need to try and get him back on his Neurontin. His pdoc expressed concerns to my son that we do not want him relapsing and what he is currently experiencing may be an indication or leading up to what his previous breaks have been.
I find myself yet again at an acceptance crossroads. I have had to re-evaluate my own acceptance of my son's schizophrenia. My son has schizophrenia. There is a sadness yet a serenity in my own coming to terms with this. Accept the things I cannot change. There are so many things that I cannot change at the moment. His Nana's feelings towards me. That my daughter is there and not here. That my sisters are not currently a part of my family life. That we are in a lot of debt and my downstairs neighbor seems unable to keep her base from vibrating my floor. ;) Figured I would through the last two in there. However there are things that I am now learning to have the courage to do. I have been able to make my family, my husband and my children, the priority that they need to be in my life. I am doing my best to increase mental illness awareness and to help those that I can even if it's only to show support through my own experiences. I am where and who I need to be. As for my son's schizophrenia: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it... However I can and I will continue to be, to the best of my ability, the support that he needs me to be.
Mom
BarbieBF
Above picture credit to: Etsy
My normal optimism had deserted me for a little bit. I tried to blame it on PMS which I'm sure played it's part but I also recognize that there are things going on that are making me feel sad. My daughter left yesterday to go back home with her dad. I miss her already. This journey I find my son and I on is, as usual, keeping me on my toes but underneath all that is a sadness that has been building up for some time now. I find myself reading and rereading these words and realizing that once again I need to apply it's wisdom to my own life.
A couple of days ago my mom's birth sister contacted me wanting to met up with my sister and I at an Elvis Festival going on this weekend. For those who are not aware an Elvis Festival is were Elvis Tribute Artists (ETA's) compete and show their love for Elvis Presley. For several years my older sister and I bonded and rebuilt our relationship through a mutual love of Elvis's music. Granted I had no idea about any of this the first time my sister asked me to go to Akron to see an ETA with her. Go where? To see a what? I still chuckle over the memory of that conversation. Anyways fast forward to January of this year and we had a falling out. Sadly over money and other things. I take full responsibility for the falling out as it is my quest for answers that has caused this rift. I find that without the answers, or proof of the answers I am getting, that I am unable to continue the relationship. Add in years of hurt and misunderstandings and I now find myself without not one but two sisters. My younger sister has also cut off communicating with me and I can only guess that it is a result of the falling out with my older sister as we were communicating up until that point. Since then she has not responded to me so I can only assume since she won't even confirm one way or the other her reasons. I have tried to put it behind me and I try to pretend like it doesn't hurt since the choice to walk away was mine. Well enough of pretending. It does hurt and it hurts more then I thought that it would. Not so much the current rift but the reasons leading up to it. So I read the words of the above prayer. I had finally found the courage to ask the questions that had been haunting me for a very long time. Questions that are still in my mind unanswered. Now I need the serenity to accept what I cannot change. Family can be hard sometimes. I see it also with other blogs that I follow. Hurt and misunderstandings that get in the way of the love that we share. Our own hurts and their hurts. Walking away doesn't lessen the pain nor the love so I guess acceptance is what we are left with and hopefully having the wisdom to know that which we cannot change can bring us the serenity that we seek.
I'm afraid we missed our appointment today with Ready4Life. We were 15 mintues late and just missed her. Rescheduled to Friday. Still have to get him down for blood work.
My son's psychiatrist appointment yesterday went well. We discussed, or I tried to discuss, my son's diagnose(s). Officially schizophrenia with concurrent disorders... The concurrent disorders being unofficially addiction, ADHD and ODD and per my son OCD. As my hubby sometimes jokes 'So we are playing the alphabet game.' Really in the end they are only letters of the alphabet. As long as we are taking care of symptoms or helping to lessen the 'stress' that he is going through then we are doing our jobs. My son agreed to a switch from Risperidone to Invega. No change in his Clozapine and we need to try and get him back on his Neurontin. His pdoc expressed concerns to my son that we do not want him relapsing and what he is currently experiencing may be an indication or leading up to what his previous breaks have been.
I find myself yet again at an acceptance crossroads. I have had to re-evaluate my own acceptance of my son's schizophrenia. My son has schizophrenia. There is a sadness yet a serenity in my own coming to terms with this. Accept the things I cannot change. There are so many things that I cannot change at the moment. His Nana's feelings towards me. That my daughter is there and not here. That my sisters are not currently a part of my family life. That we are in a lot of debt and my downstairs neighbor seems unable to keep her base from vibrating my floor. ;) Figured I would through the last two in there. However there are things that I am now learning to have the courage to do. I have been able to make my family, my husband and my children, the priority that they need to be in my life. I am doing my best to increase mental illness awareness and to help those that I can even if it's only to show support through my own experiences. I am where and who I need to be. As for my son's schizophrenia: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it... However I can and I will continue to be, to the best of my ability, the support that he needs me to be.
Mom
BarbieBF
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