Yes that's me....
The one that is sitting at home putting away groceries and doing laundry while everyone else is off doing their thing.
My daughter is at the mall, 'running away from home' or me. Dare I say, being a brat.
Something that I haven't shared about the amazing birth of my grandson is that several days after his birth I became his primary caregiver.
As of yesterday I am now supervisor... In my eyes I don't really see much of a distinction in the two roles as my daughter is still limited to two or three hours a day of unsupervised time with her son.
I feel stuck. Stuck in a situation of my own choosing because of the things that I think are important. Family.
Over the last several months I have heard more times than I can count phrases like: You're a homebody and don't like to go out. You are home anyways. You want to be home. You don't like going on these outings.
Yes I'm a homebody. I love my home and have little reason to seek enjoyment or anything else outside of it. That doesn't mean that I don't enjoy getting out of it. That doesn't mean that there aren't times when I want to 'run away' from the stress and responsibilities that are here. That doesn't mean that I don't want to spend some one on one time going for a drive with my husband.
My daughter and I have been butting heads for the last little bit. Mom speaking up doesn't seem to go over well with my children. :)
Any relationship needs a certain amount of give and take. Right now I'm feeling like a much worn out doormat. Feed him, change him, put him to bed, babysit... But don't tell me that I'm not burping him right (at all), getting up with him or question any of the other decisions that I'm making.
If she was living on her own then making decisions on what items to get rid of or what trips she would like to take or even her sleep schedule would be completely in her control and the consequences of those decisions would be completely on here. Such is not currently the case.
Yesterday it was about how she was feeding him. Today I have set her off by commenting on the fact that she is wanting to give away something that I use every morning to feed her son. Is it hers to give away? Absolutely. That's not really the point. Being an adult doesn't mean making decisions without taking other people into consideration. Certainly not the people that are there everyday. However when I say something I'm treating her like a child.
The other thing that is gnawing at me is money. I'm not asking for a lot considering we are helping out with pretty much everything. So yes when I see/hear my daughter talking about doing things with her money when I'm looking at the fact that we don't have enough money right now to cover what is coming out on the 1st, I tend to get a bit edgy.
When I comment on these types of things well she gets to go to the mall while I get dropped off at home to put away the groceries. When I let lose some of that frustration my husband walks out slamming the door.
Why did it frustrate me that she was going to the mall? She doesn't have a key so even as she is getting away from me and my criticism she is counting on me to be there when she gets home. Why? Because I love being at home. How much you wanna bet that right now I would rather be somewhere else?
Guess what... Where am I going to go and with whom? I don't have any friends. I don't have a life outside of the home because years ago I made the choice to leave my job, stay at home and eventually dedicate my life to my family.
My husband gave her his key. Called and asked if I wanted to go with him on his next drive about. My first thought: Hell yeah! Guess what? That will be leaving my daughter unsupervised for a lot longer then two or three hours. I'm the only one that thinks like that. :(
Recently she was visiting family and I'm pretty sure got used to barely being supervised at all. No that wasn't a good thing... She did however become more comfortable in the role of motherhood. That tends to happen when you are expected to do...
Now the honeymoon phase of her return is over and I'm trying to yet again find that balance between support and enabling.
Why can't I expect to be treated like others? Given a certain amount of respect and consideration? Not be lashed out at just because I make a comment that isn't to her liking? Why can't I expect her to step up without all the attitude?
So yeah as I listen to my daughter and husband talk about her working outside of the home. Getting baby daddy a job. My daughter looking down on the job I do have because I don't get paid frequently. My husband saying: Why can't you get a job?
Yes I guess I could if I wasn't the proverbial housewife.
Anyways, some laundry is calling my name. Thanks for listening.
Mom
Gramma
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Showing posts with label Enabling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Enabling. Show all posts
Sunday, February 26, 2017
Monday, August 3, 2015
Why yes, I'm ecstatic!
Sarcasm!
Forewarned this post may be a bit if a rant.
I saw my son yesterday. He's a mess. He has obviously been in the same cloths for a long time. He hasn't showered or even washed that I can tell. He hasn't been taking his medications. I'm pretty sure he has been smoking marijuana.
Hubby and I picked him up to take him and get cigarettes. First we had to go to the bank so that I could transfer him his $314 that I owed him from disability. The whole time we were with him he was clenching his fist with all of his strength. I knew when I saw this that he wasn't taking his medications. At one point hubby said he asked my son why he was doing this and my son replied that he was trying to make his body work right. His brain isn't working right so his body isn't going to. He ended up giving me his bank card so that I could buy the smokes for him because he couldn't 'catch his breath' to get out of the car and do it himself.
I told my son that once we got back to the shelter I was going to go in with him so he could get his medications and put on some clean cloths. He said ok. As soon as we walked in to the shelter... Hello ODD. His defiance came out of nowhere. He didn't want his medications. One of the staff said they have been talking to him about showering etc however he 'bolts' or leaves the shelter.
Hubby and I have been talking about what to do. So far we haven't come up with any solid answers. I try not to get pissy with him when he asks me what I'm going to do. But seriously, if I had the answers I would be doing it. I don't have them... I don't know what to do.
I know how much I wanted to grab my son's stuff and bring him home.
Here's the catch. I'm a recovered addict. If I want to stay a recovered addict then one thing that I need to be able to do is think things through to the end. One of the problems with being an addict is that the mind only wants to see the good parts of using. Not the negative consequences and as long as one can keep blocking out those memories then one can keep pretending that using is ok.
I forget the exact wording of what was said during an ADAPT meeting but something along the lines of: An addict will not change until the pain of using is worse then the pain of not using.
I can bring him home. He has over $300 in his bank account. He is unstable and defiant. He believes he should be able to smoke and drink in his room. It doesn't take a genius to figure out where that scenario is most likely going.
I had already said to my husband that I need to bring him home if I can put some things in place. Before I left I tried to talk to my son. I wasn't expecting it to be an in-depth conversation considering his mental state. I got worse then I was expecting. I went to crouch/sit beside him and he got mad and told me to stand up and talk to him. I don't know why he gets like this with me. I mean the not wanting me to talk to him on his level. It just goes against everything that I have read on how to talk to someone experiencing psychosis. Especially since he gets so defiant with me being the main disciplinary. Yet he still gets mad, doesn't want me on his level and wants me to take the authoritative stance. The only thing I can reason is that somewhere in his head is a recognition that he actually needs someone to take on the role of authority for him. But then his ODD gets in the way...
I asked him if he remembered talking to his Nana about not going out there. Yes. I told him that I want to take him home however I can't if he has control over his money to buy alcohol because alcohol is killing him. I want power of attorney. He refused.
A couple of days ago I received a message from his grandmother stating that she had told him no to him coming there and she hoped that made everyone happy. Needless to say I didn't respond. The sarcastic side of me wanted to answer with: Why yes, I'm ecstatic. Thank you! I figured not answering was the better option.
My daughter calls to find out if I got the message and to include the side-note that obviously Nana didn't really mean it and that she would step in and take him if she felt it was necessary.
As far as I know that plans are/were to have my son go directly into a shelter out there. So switching one shelter for another? Then I guess work on getting him into his own place since this is what he wants. Well it's what he says he wants. He knows full well that once he gets there he can say no to any form of assisted living and that if he does that then he will end up with Nana. The ideal situation for him. He doesn't have to care about anyone except himself. He doesn't have to try to be sober and stable. To be blunt, he doesn't have to try period. He will get his pat on the head while someone else cleans up after him and protects him from himself.
The rant. Can you see my son living on his own?! He can't even keep himself stable when he is living somewhere that is feeding him and providing him with basic amenities. Yet that is what him and his grandmother seem to be concocting between the two of them. Unless he is telling her that he will go into a group home out there. If that is the case and it is being believed I can only shake my head some more.
My son, in my opinion, needs several basic things. Mainly he needs long-term treatment for addiction. By long-term I'm thinking 3-6 months to start. He needs help from non-family, so he can't use and manipulate them, to help him become stable, stay stable and learn to mature and grow up. Until he gets these things. Everything else is just prolonging everyone's suffering, including and especially his own.
My son isn't stupid by no means. When I had the police take him, one of them went with him to his room to collect his things. My son was very drunk. Not as drunk as I thought. He made sure to disconnect, unplug and turn off the laptop so that I couldn't have access to it. Before leaving he wanted my phone to call his Nana. I know some may think: Well yes she is the one he knows will support him. Hmm. The one that will support him or enable him. There is a big difference.
Honestly he has support coming out his.... ;) Agencies and people just waiting for him to give the go ahead and they will be right there. PACT has peer support, group support and vocational (job) support. ADAPT has addiction support. Applications have been started for housing. He has an open file at the YMCA for free schooling at his own pace. My son is 21 and says no thank you...
He also has me and my husband. Apparently I expect too much. Expecting Michael to follow basic rules that a 5 year old can follow, clean up after himself, treat me with respect, not be violent, try to be medication compliant and engage is addiction services is apparently too much for him. How do you respond to that? Seriously if he is that bad off then he really should be in the hospital with 24/7 care not traipsing on a plane across the country!
Where we are at now is not new. He has been here before. He has played the system, played and manipulated emotions until he got what he wanted. Freedom from responsibility, stability or sobriety.
Do you think he doesn't know that if he doesn't participate in recovery plans here that in time he will get what he wants? Of course he does. Like I said he isn't stupid.
Something I had too look at and acknowledge was/is that his masturbation episodes are tied into his alcohol use and not his schizophrenia so yes it is more behavioral. I didn't know until I found out about him calling dial-a-bottle that he was during the time of his masturbating frequently and in public, drinking almost a bottle of alcohol a day. I also found out that one of the ladies at the shelter caught him doing this in public and had to talk to him about it. I didn't tell her that I knew that he had purchased a bottle of alcohol since being there. Just like I didn't tell them that I'm pretty sure he probably has marijuana on him. Maybe that is why he bolts when expected to shower and change cloths? He keeps his jacket on and close to him when he is hiding stuff.
There is also the distinct possibility that if he gets himself kicked out of there then in steps his safety net. I may not be actively stopping this from happening however I'm certainly not going to help it happen.
Of all the blogs that I read. Jagged Little Edges is without a doubt one of my favorites. Lorelie doesn't hold any punches on what addiction is and the truth of it's ugliness is spelled out in black and white. Lorelie's last blog post: Loving An Addict Means Saying No.
A lot of Lorelie's posts are also highlighted on: Addiction Campuses
I know there are a lot of families who struggle with concurrent disorders of addiction and mental illness. I only speak for what I see with my son. He doesn't use to self-medicate symptoms. He uses/drinks to feed/satisfy his addictions. It's doing this that triggers his schizophrenia and causes the rebound affect. Also my son doesn't want to medication his symptoms. He very much enjoys his psychosis when he is in it. Probably another reason why he didn't want to take his medications yesterday. Why mess with his high? I have been around addiction enough to recognize that mind-set. I have been there. Don't eat too much before doing this drug or you will lessen the high...
I did tell the lady at the shelter that my son was psychotic and needed his medications so hopefully they were a little more attentive last night about 'reminding him' to take them. It's not a part of their duties and they get busy. Not sure I buy that. The other shelter had less staff and they did more. They followed up on medications. They searched more for drugs etc. being brought in. I know because I watched them do it. Too bad it was in such a horrible neighborhood. I have yet to see this shelter search anyone including my son. The lady asked what the signs were of my son's psychosis. To me it's obvious but I'm mom and have looked at his face for signs for years now. I asked if she knew what high looks like? What extreme exhaustion looks like? Combine them and you have my son's current face. Again I left out that he was most likely high... Really in the end it was the psychosis I'm trying to nip in the butt before something negative happens and high or not high he would still look pretty much the same from psychosis.
My appointment with ADAPT last week got rescheduled to the 18th of August. Today is a civic holiday here in Ontario, Canada so I'm not working! Hubby is :(. My work schedule has changed. Now I'm 12-6:30 Mon-Fri and I think 10:30-2 on Sunday. So 6 days a week and more hours. I may see if I can switch from Sunday to Saturday as Sunday is the one day I can pretty much count on hubby not working. The hours are being split between me and another lady. I got paid! I needed it to help cover rent due to what I had to give to Michael. I got my hair cut yesterday. Pretty short. I guess it's a bob? shorter at the back and long around the face. It feels good. I haven't had a cigarette in 6 weeks! I'm not sure how long it's been for hubby. I think 3 weeks. My homemade protein bars were a hit. We both like them. Have to make more today. I may even get back on my stepper today and do some exercise.
The above things make me happy. Certainly not the situation that my son is in or the fact that I have to fight so hard to try and get him the treatment that he needs.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Forewarned this post may be a bit if a rant.
I saw my son yesterday. He's a mess. He has obviously been in the same cloths for a long time. He hasn't showered or even washed that I can tell. He hasn't been taking his medications. I'm pretty sure he has been smoking marijuana.
Hubby and I picked him up to take him and get cigarettes. First we had to go to the bank so that I could transfer him his $314 that I owed him from disability. The whole time we were with him he was clenching his fist with all of his strength. I knew when I saw this that he wasn't taking his medications. At one point hubby said he asked my son why he was doing this and my son replied that he was trying to make his body work right. His brain isn't working right so his body isn't going to. He ended up giving me his bank card so that I could buy the smokes for him because he couldn't 'catch his breath' to get out of the car and do it himself.
I told my son that once we got back to the shelter I was going to go in with him so he could get his medications and put on some clean cloths. He said ok. As soon as we walked in to the shelter... Hello ODD. His defiance came out of nowhere. He didn't want his medications. One of the staff said they have been talking to him about showering etc however he 'bolts' or leaves the shelter.
Hubby and I have been talking about what to do. So far we haven't come up with any solid answers. I try not to get pissy with him when he asks me what I'm going to do. But seriously, if I had the answers I would be doing it. I don't have them... I don't know what to do.
I know how much I wanted to grab my son's stuff and bring him home.
Here's the catch. I'm a recovered addict. If I want to stay a recovered addict then one thing that I need to be able to do is think things through to the end. One of the problems with being an addict is that the mind only wants to see the good parts of using. Not the negative consequences and as long as one can keep blocking out those memories then one can keep pretending that using is ok.
I forget the exact wording of what was said during an ADAPT meeting but something along the lines of: An addict will not change until the pain of using is worse then the pain of not using.
I can bring him home. He has over $300 in his bank account. He is unstable and defiant. He believes he should be able to smoke and drink in his room. It doesn't take a genius to figure out where that scenario is most likely going.
I had already said to my husband that I need to bring him home if I can put some things in place. Before I left I tried to talk to my son. I wasn't expecting it to be an in-depth conversation considering his mental state. I got worse then I was expecting. I went to crouch/sit beside him and he got mad and told me to stand up and talk to him. I don't know why he gets like this with me. I mean the not wanting me to talk to him on his level. It just goes against everything that I have read on how to talk to someone experiencing psychosis. Especially since he gets so defiant with me being the main disciplinary. Yet he still gets mad, doesn't want me on his level and wants me to take the authoritative stance. The only thing I can reason is that somewhere in his head is a recognition that he actually needs someone to take on the role of authority for him. But then his ODD gets in the way...
I asked him if he remembered talking to his Nana about not going out there. Yes. I told him that I want to take him home however I can't if he has control over his money to buy alcohol because alcohol is killing him. I want power of attorney. He refused.
A couple of days ago I received a message from his grandmother stating that she had told him no to him coming there and she hoped that made everyone happy. Needless to say I didn't respond. The sarcastic side of me wanted to answer with: Why yes, I'm ecstatic. Thank you! I figured not answering was the better option.
My daughter calls to find out if I got the message and to include the side-note that obviously Nana didn't really mean it and that she would step in and take him if she felt it was necessary.
As far as I know that plans are/were to have my son go directly into a shelter out there. So switching one shelter for another? Then I guess work on getting him into his own place since this is what he wants. Well it's what he says he wants. He knows full well that once he gets there he can say no to any form of assisted living and that if he does that then he will end up with Nana. The ideal situation for him. He doesn't have to care about anyone except himself. He doesn't have to try to be sober and stable. To be blunt, he doesn't have to try period. He will get his pat on the head while someone else cleans up after him and protects him from himself.
The rant. Can you see my son living on his own?! He can't even keep himself stable when he is living somewhere that is feeding him and providing him with basic amenities. Yet that is what him and his grandmother seem to be concocting between the two of them. Unless he is telling her that he will go into a group home out there. If that is the case and it is being believed I can only shake my head some more.
My son, in my opinion, needs several basic things. Mainly he needs long-term treatment for addiction. By long-term I'm thinking 3-6 months to start. He needs help from non-family, so he can't use and manipulate them, to help him become stable, stay stable and learn to mature and grow up. Until he gets these things. Everything else is just prolonging everyone's suffering, including and especially his own.
My son isn't stupid by no means. When I had the police take him, one of them went with him to his room to collect his things. My son was very drunk. Not as drunk as I thought. He made sure to disconnect, unplug and turn off the laptop so that I couldn't have access to it. Before leaving he wanted my phone to call his Nana. I know some may think: Well yes she is the one he knows will support him. Hmm. The one that will support him or enable him. There is a big difference.
Honestly he has support coming out his.... ;) Agencies and people just waiting for him to give the go ahead and they will be right there. PACT has peer support, group support and vocational (job) support. ADAPT has addiction support. Applications have been started for housing. He has an open file at the YMCA for free schooling at his own pace. My son is 21 and says no thank you...
He also has me and my husband. Apparently I expect too much. Expecting Michael to follow basic rules that a 5 year old can follow, clean up after himself, treat me with respect, not be violent, try to be medication compliant and engage is addiction services is apparently too much for him. How do you respond to that? Seriously if he is that bad off then he really should be in the hospital with 24/7 care not traipsing on a plane across the country!
Where we are at now is not new. He has been here before. He has played the system, played and manipulated emotions until he got what he wanted. Freedom from responsibility, stability or sobriety.
Do you think he doesn't know that if he doesn't participate in recovery plans here that in time he will get what he wants? Of course he does. Like I said he isn't stupid.
Something I had too look at and acknowledge was/is that his masturbation episodes are tied into his alcohol use and not his schizophrenia so yes it is more behavioral. I didn't know until I found out about him calling dial-a-bottle that he was during the time of his masturbating frequently and in public, drinking almost a bottle of alcohol a day. I also found out that one of the ladies at the shelter caught him doing this in public and had to talk to him about it. I didn't tell her that I knew that he had purchased a bottle of alcohol since being there. Just like I didn't tell them that I'm pretty sure he probably has marijuana on him. Maybe that is why he bolts when expected to shower and change cloths? He keeps his jacket on and close to him when he is hiding stuff.
There is also the distinct possibility that if he gets himself kicked out of there then in steps his safety net. I may not be actively stopping this from happening however I'm certainly not going to help it happen.
Of all the blogs that I read. Jagged Little Edges is without a doubt one of my favorites. Lorelie doesn't hold any punches on what addiction is and the truth of it's ugliness is spelled out in black and white. Lorelie's last blog post: Loving An Addict Means Saying No.
A lot of Lorelie's posts are also highlighted on: Addiction Campuses
I know there are a lot of families who struggle with concurrent disorders of addiction and mental illness. I only speak for what I see with my son. He doesn't use to self-medicate symptoms. He uses/drinks to feed/satisfy his addictions. It's doing this that triggers his schizophrenia and causes the rebound affect. Also my son doesn't want to medication his symptoms. He very much enjoys his psychosis when he is in it. Probably another reason why he didn't want to take his medications yesterday. Why mess with his high? I have been around addiction enough to recognize that mind-set. I have been there. Don't eat too much before doing this drug or you will lessen the high...
I did tell the lady at the shelter that my son was psychotic and needed his medications so hopefully they were a little more attentive last night about 'reminding him' to take them. It's not a part of their duties and they get busy. Not sure I buy that. The other shelter had less staff and they did more. They followed up on medications. They searched more for drugs etc. being brought in. I know because I watched them do it. Too bad it was in such a horrible neighborhood. I have yet to see this shelter search anyone including my son. The lady asked what the signs were of my son's psychosis. To me it's obvious but I'm mom and have looked at his face for signs for years now. I asked if she knew what high looks like? What extreme exhaustion looks like? Combine them and you have my son's current face. Again I left out that he was most likely high... Really in the end it was the psychosis I'm trying to nip in the butt before something negative happens and high or not high he would still look pretty much the same from psychosis.
My appointment with ADAPT last week got rescheduled to the 18th of August. Today is a civic holiday here in Ontario, Canada so I'm not working! Hubby is :(. My work schedule has changed. Now I'm 12-6:30 Mon-Fri and I think 10:30-2 on Sunday. So 6 days a week and more hours. I may see if I can switch from Sunday to Saturday as Sunday is the one day I can pretty much count on hubby not working. The hours are being split between me and another lady. I got paid! I needed it to help cover rent due to what I had to give to Michael. I got my hair cut yesterday. Pretty short. I guess it's a bob? shorter at the back and long around the face. It feels good. I haven't had a cigarette in 6 weeks! I'm not sure how long it's been for hubby. I think 3 weeks. My homemade protein bars were a hit. We both like them. Have to make more today. I may even get back on my stepper today and do some exercise.
The above things make me happy. Certainly not the situation that my son is in or the fact that I have to fight so hard to try and get him the treatment that he needs.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
If I could...
We all do it. Think of the what ifs... If I could go back in time...
Ironically as time passes I experience this less and less however sometimes like now, my mind still tries.
This blog post is most likely just me clearing my head. My counselling session got cancelled today and I think I was due for a talk so I'm coming here instead.
I was thinking this morning: If I could go back in time what would I change?
A long time ago I gave up wanting to go back and change my past addiction. I do regret that a lot of people got hurt along the way however that journey is now dear to me. A journey I will never let myself forget and has shaped me into who I am today. I'm proud of me and I'm ok with me, all my faults and good. I still get embarrassed to easily and I'm still self-conscious etc. but I have never been as sure of myself or as self-confident as I am today. I'm learning my limits and I'm ok with them.
The current what ifs start in 2011 when my son was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. If I could go back in time and make it so that he didn't develop schizophrenia. Better yet how about his ADHD. You know, I wouldn't. I was slightly bemused at my thoughts on this until I thought it through a little more. ADHD and schizophrenia and even addiction are part of who my son is. Just like ADHD is a part of who my hubby is. Menopause is a part of who I am. PTSD and separation anxiety are part of who my daughter is. I wouldn't change who they are today. I love them.
Now today we are basically where we were last September. Or even heading to where we could have been in 2012 before I brought my son home. I think: Maybe I shouldn't have taken him in 2012 and perhaps this would all be over now. Yes I know not a nice thought but it's my truth.
A quick overview: My son was diagnosed in 2011 while with his dad and paternal grandmother. He came to live with me in 2012 when things got to bad there. We did really good for a year or two. Seriously he was hospitalized once? I think whereas he averaged every 4-6 months before that. Last year in September things went south and he ended up with his grandmother. October had a bad break and I went to get him and bring him home again.
Now he is trying to buy a plane ticket back to his grandmother.
All the what ifs in the world can't change were we are right now.
So if I could go back and not have taken him in 2012 would I? I would do it again. If I hadn't and things ended then I would feel guilty for not being there as a parent and trying to help. Now I have been there and I have done everything that I feel is best for him and his future.
I do now feel like I have been the best parent that I can be to both of my children regardless of what the future holds for them or me.
This is going to sound harsh however I'm not going to apologize because this is my truth. As long as my son's grandmother is there to... hmm... do what she does, then I can't help my son. We just go in circles. He is not getting better and my resources, mental and physical, are getting used up. Except for my own personal growth there is nothing to show for it. I guess I shouldn't say that. I now know what he is capable of which is so much more. I have seen the brightness that is my son. I have watched him take steps to a future where he would be happy. Not psychotic addiction induced happy but true happiness where he was ok inside.
Now he is taking steps that in my opinion will only give everyone nothing but pain. You might ask how can I allow that to happen?
By letting go.
If I could change anything, I would not. I wouldn't take away my son's schizophrenia or even his addiction just as I wouldn't take away my own. My son's journey is his own as are those connected to him.
Am I saddened by it? Absolutely as I can't see any good coming from it and I'm sincerely hoping it doesn't end in news coverage (not sure if I'm being funny or sincere)... But I'm getting ahead of myself. He isn't on the plane yet.
When my son wants to be a part of my journey to a better life... Oh I hope it happens. Or I guess when I'm the only one left...
There is always hope, right?
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Ironically as time passes I experience this less and less however sometimes like now, my mind still tries.
This blog post is most likely just me clearing my head. My counselling session got cancelled today and I think I was due for a talk so I'm coming here instead.
I was thinking this morning: If I could go back in time what would I change?
A long time ago I gave up wanting to go back and change my past addiction. I do regret that a lot of people got hurt along the way however that journey is now dear to me. A journey I will never let myself forget and has shaped me into who I am today. I'm proud of me and I'm ok with me, all my faults and good. I still get embarrassed to easily and I'm still self-conscious etc. but I have never been as sure of myself or as self-confident as I am today. I'm learning my limits and I'm ok with them.
The current what ifs start in 2011 when my son was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. If I could go back in time and make it so that he didn't develop schizophrenia. Better yet how about his ADHD. You know, I wouldn't. I was slightly bemused at my thoughts on this until I thought it through a little more. ADHD and schizophrenia and even addiction are part of who my son is. Just like ADHD is a part of who my hubby is. Menopause is a part of who I am. PTSD and separation anxiety are part of who my daughter is. I wouldn't change who they are today. I love them.
Now today we are basically where we were last September. Or even heading to where we could have been in 2012 before I brought my son home. I think: Maybe I shouldn't have taken him in 2012 and perhaps this would all be over now. Yes I know not a nice thought but it's my truth.
A quick overview: My son was diagnosed in 2011 while with his dad and paternal grandmother. He came to live with me in 2012 when things got to bad there. We did really good for a year or two. Seriously he was hospitalized once? I think whereas he averaged every 4-6 months before that. Last year in September things went south and he ended up with his grandmother. October had a bad break and I went to get him and bring him home again.
Now he is trying to buy a plane ticket back to his grandmother.
All the what ifs in the world can't change were we are right now.
So if I could go back and not have taken him in 2012 would I? I would do it again. If I hadn't and things ended then I would feel guilty for not being there as a parent and trying to help. Now I have been there and I have done everything that I feel is best for him and his future.
I do now feel like I have been the best parent that I can be to both of my children regardless of what the future holds for them or me.
This is going to sound harsh however I'm not going to apologize because this is my truth. As long as my son's grandmother is there to... hmm... do what she does, then I can't help my son. We just go in circles. He is not getting better and my resources, mental and physical, are getting used up. Except for my own personal growth there is nothing to show for it. I guess I shouldn't say that. I now know what he is capable of which is so much more. I have seen the brightness that is my son. I have watched him take steps to a future where he would be happy. Not psychotic addiction induced happy but true happiness where he was ok inside.
Now he is taking steps that in my opinion will only give everyone nothing but pain. You might ask how can I allow that to happen?
By letting go.
If I could change anything, I would not. I wouldn't take away my son's schizophrenia or even his addiction just as I wouldn't take away my own. My son's journey is his own as are those connected to him.
Am I saddened by it? Absolutely as I can't see any good coming from it and I'm sincerely hoping it doesn't end in news coverage (not sure if I'm being funny or sincere)... But I'm getting ahead of myself. He isn't on the plane yet.
When my son wants to be a part of my journey to a better life... Oh I hope it happens. Or I guess when I'm the only one left...
There is always hope, right?
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Monday, July 27, 2015
Mocktails and an empty nest
Yesterday I tried making a mocktail, a non-alcoholic version of a typically alcoholic beverage. Of course in my typical fashion of not thinking ahead and just going with an idea, I had no ice... Still hubby and I enjoyed a virgin pina-colada. There is now an ice cube tray in the freezer :)
It's been awhile since hubby and I went alcohol free. It's certainly a different life style. One that can have an impact even though you don't realize it. There is no going for a drink with the boys after work. No hanging out to have a beer. No weekend cocktails and cards. But see that is where I am trying to make the change. Yes we can have weekend mocktails and we can enjoy them in the backyard and we can try to learn to do the things that we did while drinking, sober.
I can't say I particularly enjoyed playing darts but I played. My hubby and his brother enjoyed playing... or they enjoyed drinking with something to do while doing it ;). I want us to enjoy playing darts. I want summer evenings in the backyard.
I noticed something one day last week when hubby and I sat down for dinner. We have been together for almost 5 years yet we have had little time with just the 2 of us. There is usually someone else there or even if they aren't right there, around. Now it's just us. It's a good thing. Not that I'm expecting it to last forever.
I did go see my doctor last Monday. I totally forgot to ask for blood work to be done or to discuss my weight. I did weigh myself while there and I'm not losing anymore, in fact, I'm slowly gaining so I will see how it goes now that some other things are back on track. I got my Venlafaxine refilled. I'm back on my tinctures for my menopause. I am now quitting smoking with just the lozenges once or twice a day. Every time I put on a patch, even the lowest dosage, all if it came flooding back. Ears ringing, dizziness, heart pounding... My doctor said it certainly sounded like the patch was causing it and that if I find wearing it too much then I can't use them. Like I told hubby last night, I guess I had better make this time the last time quitting as I'm running out of options on quit-smoking aids.
The dizziness is still there. Not sure what is causing it. I'm wondering if I'm not eating enough. It's not nearly as bad as it was. Part of it could be being back on my medication and readjusting. I will give it some time. I have to make a follow up appointment before I can get my antidepressants refilled so if I'm still experiencing dizziness etc than I will request some blood work and my female exam.
Work is going good. I worked this Sunday as my boss wanted to see if we would get a good response. I did contact those who asked to be called on Sunday or people that I was having trouble getting a hold of during the week due to working. I haven't gotten paid yet which I'm hoping will happen soon.
Last Monday my son called to tell me that he contacted disability and it was too late for them to adjust this payment so the normal room and board amount would come to me and that I owe him back half of it. I owe him... So yeah... I usually put that payment towards half of the rent.
My son has called here and there. Every time to ask for something. Can we go camping (he is supposed to be paying for this). Can I take him to the grocery store for treats. Can I loan him money for cigarettes and take it out of the money I owe him. He already owes me for a carton of smokes. Yesterday he called saying he really wanted a cigarette. I don't smoke anymore so no sympathy from me for that.
In fact I told him that I'm not going to feel sorry for him. He's getting enough of that already. Whenever I point out to him why he is where he is, he ends the call. That isn't schizophrenia. He knows what happened and doesn't want to take responsibility for his choices. This is the closest he has come to being held responsible.
As always.. what to do... I don't know. I can buy him things now and by the time I get the payment there will be little money left to give him. IF he is getting a plane ticket...
Amazing sometimes how little some things change. He won't accept the right kind of help here if he has the opportunity to run away again. I guess time will tell what is happening there because I don't know what his plans are.
Today I'm planning to try a recipe for granola bars. I'm hoping to find a healthier snack for hubby at work. I might also try finding a recipe I can work with for a multi-grain bread.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
It's been awhile since hubby and I went alcohol free. It's certainly a different life style. One that can have an impact even though you don't realize it. There is no going for a drink with the boys after work. No hanging out to have a beer. No weekend cocktails and cards. But see that is where I am trying to make the change. Yes we can have weekend mocktails and we can enjoy them in the backyard and we can try to learn to do the things that we did while drinking, sober.
I can't say I particularly enjoyed playing darts but I played. My hubby and his brother enjoyed playing... or they enjoyed drinking with something to do while doing it ;). I want us to enjoy playing darts. I want summer evenings in the backyard.
I noticed something one day last week when hubby and I sat down for dinner. We have been together for almost 5 years yet we have had little time with just the 2 of us. There is usually someone else there or even if they aren't right there, around. Now it's just us. It's a good thing. Not that I'm expecting it to last forever.
I did go see my doctor last Monday. I totally forgot to ask for blood work to be done or to discuss my weight. I did weigh myself while there and I'm not losing anymore, in fact, I'm slowly gaining so I will see how it goes now that some other things are back on track. I got my Venlafaxine refilled. I'm back on my tinctures for my menopause. I am now quitting smoking with just the lozenges once or twice a day. Every time I put on a patch, even the lowest dosage, all if it came flooding back. Ears ringing, dizziness, heart pounding... My doctor said it certainly sounded like the patch was causing it and that if I find wearing it too much then I can't use them. Like I told hubby last night, I guess I had better make this time the last time quitting as I'm running out of options on quit-smoking aids.
The dizziness is still there. Not sure what is causing it. I'm wondering if I'm not eating enough. It's not nearly as bad as it was. Part of it could be being back on my medication and readjusting. I will give it some time. I have to make a follow up appointment before I can get my antidepressants refilled so if I'm still experiencing dizziness etc than I will request some blood work and my female exam.
Work is going good. I worked this Sunday as my boss wanted to see if we would get a good response. I did contact those who asked to be called on Sunday or people that I was having trouble getting a hold of during the week due to working. I haven't gotten paid yet which I'm hoping will happen soon.
Last Monday my son called to tell me that he contacted disability and it was too late for them to adjust this payment so the normal room and board amount would come to me and that I owe him back half of it. I owe him... So yeah... I usually put that payment towards half of the rent.
My son has called here and there. Every time to ask for something. Can we go camping (he is supposed to be paying for this). Can I take him to the grocery store for treats. Can I loan him money for cigarettes and take it out of the money I owe him. He already owes me for a carton of smokes. Yesterday he called saying he really wanted a cigarette. I don't smoke anymore so no sympathy from me for that.
In fact I told him that I'm not going to feel sorry for him. He's getting enough of that already. Whenever I point out to him why he is where he is, he ends the call. That isn't schizophrenia. He knows what happened and doesn't want to take responsibility for his choices. This is the closest he has come to being held responsible.
As always.. what to do... I don't know. I can buy him things now and by the time I get the payment there will be little money left to give him. IF he is getting a plane ticket...
Amazing sometimes how little some things change. He won't accept the right kind of help here if he has the opportunity to run away again. I guess time will tell what is happening there because I don't know what his plans are.
Today I'm planning to try a recipe for granola bars. I'm hoping to find a healthier snack for hubby at work. I might also try finding a recipe I can work with for a multi-grain bread.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, April 17, 2015
I never thought the day would come...
when I would actually be somewhat thankful that my son wasn't taking one of his medications. What a contradicting feeling that is as it's not, in my opinion, for a good reason.
Early yesterday my son asked if we could go to where we buy cigarettes and exchange the ones he has as they are too strong. He has been smoking this kind for at least two weeks. Too strong cigarettes and my son are not something you can put in the same sentence, normally. The stronger the better and he is always searching for a stronger kind that gives him that 'hit' that he so enjoys. My son currently has over three cartons of cigarettes which include three different kinds. Apparently one is now too strong, one is too weak and the other... he just isn't smoking them. The ones that are too strong are the more expensive ones. I'm pretty sure the intent here was that if he exchanged them for a cheaper kind then he would have money for alcohol. I said no to going.
Awhile later he seemed ok with the idea of adjusting how he is smoking these cigarettes so that they aren't as harsh. (!) This was followed up with the statement: Nana is sending my $30. Does she know that this money is going to go on alcohol? Yes, she said not to go overboard with it and I won't. Right, because buying 1-3 mickeys (375 ml bottles) of alcohol and drinking one in less then two hours isn't going overboard... He can get a mickey for $10, so $30 would get him three plus one of the tiny bottles of whatever it is that he also gets. All of these are 40% alcohol.
For the past two days I have been watching/listening as the voices are coming back and he is laughing out loud and being distracted by them. He is of course denying it. I didn't say anything else about it to my son... I posted this on my Facebook page:
Looks like my son will be drinking tonight. Recently stopped his Olanzapine cold turkey and is laughing at voices, so let's add some alcohol why don't we. I don't know who is worse
My daughter calls me to tell me that she spoke to Nana and she isn't sending the money that she didn't know he was off his Olanzapine.
Really?
I wrote this on April 13:
Today for the first time in a very long time I had trouble getting him to take his medication. He doesn't want to take his Olanzapine any more.
I know she read this blog post because we talked about it when we spoke the following day.
I wrote this on April 14:
As of Tuesday he is refusing to take any Olanzapine.
Maybe this one hadn't been read yet...
My daughter called me when hubby and I were at our chiropractor. Can you say subluxated? Usually I'm easier to adjust. My chiropractor asked what I've been doing? My son's grandmother is trying to give me a heart attack but other then that.... ;)
My son was waiting for us in the car since he usually comes with us for the car ride. I heard him on his cell saying something like: Wouldn't you be angry if you were being forced to take pills...
So I went to bed with the thought of what a conundrum. IF he was taking his Olanzapine then he would have been sent the $30? I'm not naive. I obviously know that when he gets money at the end of the month that he will spend some of it on alcohol. I was thankful that it was two weeks away so that we would have a better idea of how he was going to react coming off the Olanzapine cold turkey. I do live in reality (my reality anyways ;)) and I know I can't stop it but to enable him and help him...
April 13:
Nana's intentions may be good and I know are coming from a place of love... When my son pulls on her heartstrings with how much he needs to drink or get high because he is so unhappy, stressed, anxious and there is nothing for him in this world... Will she have the willpower to say no? Will she be able to put aside how much she loves him and how much her heart is breaking for him to make the right decisions? Will she be able keep her home drug and alcohol free even if that means him 'going to the streets' to get it?
I guess IF I had any doubts as to the answers to above... She can barely say no when they are pretty much on the opposite sides of the country. Can you imagine face to face?
My hubby says to me that I need to do something to stop this. Like what? A restraining order of zero contact crossed my mind... Yes I'm aware that's an overreaction. ;)
My son also called Ontario Works yesterday about getting his own place. He is not happy about the amount of money he is getting. Because of the letter from British Columbia's disability stating that he was on disability out there even when he was living here in Ontario, they are considering his payments while here as an over-payment and deducting $40 from his portion. He is still getting $100 and the only thing he needs to pay for is his cigarettes which he can get for $17 a carton. I even helped pay for his last ones and bought him a carton. Plus he got $60 from the government recently. I have informed his case worker at PACT so she can follow up and try to fix it, again. His motivation for getting his own place... More money and the ability to drink and/or abuse drugs.
I get that someone might read this and think: It's just alcohol. It's not just alcohol. It's like a member of AA not wanting to be associated with a drug addict because 'I don't use drugs!'. Addiction is addiction. It's been a battle to get my son from being a chronic marijuana smoker. How long before he is again? If he wanted money for heroine or cocaine would that be ok? I would hope that that line wouldn't be crossed however I don't see much of a difference in helping him drink or helping him get cocaine when drinking/using triggers his schizophrenia. Maybe it's just me.. It just seems so obvious to me at this point...
Enough of the negative... Out of the blue my son hugged me last night! One of those rare, you can actually feel, type of hugs. I held him for a moment and asked what that was for. He feels lonely and wants a girlfriend that he can cuddle with. Yes I know... Tear at your heartstrings...
He is not going to find that in the bottom of a bottle be it alcohol or benzos. We discussed him getting out with PACT's group on Wednesday as he declined going to the last one. It was bowling. Also when they called we were in the middle of a pretty in-depth conversation about his schizophrenia and voices. I won't make this post much longer with all the details. I was curious to know if his voices have ever threatened me. He said that they have told him to kill me or they would kill him and he waited for them to kill him because he wasn't going to kill me. That when they do this he creates his own 'robots' to keep them away from him. A lot of words that would take me forever to write and interpret into language that others would understand.
I'm pretty thankful actually that I can understand as much as I do. We manage to talk out a lot of what he is experiencing and I'm able to interpret what he says into 'normal English' and sometimes give him the medical terms for what he is telling me.
Anyways I should go... It's after 12 and I have been up since 5:30 when the little one below was headbutting me to get up and feed her.
So far all I have done is the dishes. Hubby brought home some stones yesterday for the backyard and it's a nice day out. Also a couple of days ago I received my new Dyson vacuum that I ordered with my Aeroplan points that I haven't used it. So I'm off to face my day...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Early yesterday my son asked if we could go to where we buy cigarettes and exchange the ones he has as they are too strong. He has been smoking this kind for at least two weeks. Too strong cigarettes and my son are not something you can put in the same sentence, normally. The stronger the better and he is always searching for a stronger kind that gives him that 'hit' that he so enjoys. My son currently has over three cartons of cigarettes which include three different kinds. Apparently one is now too strong, one is too weak and the other... he just isn't smoking them. The ones that are too strong are the more expensive ones. I'm pretty sure the intent here was that if he exchanged them for a cheaper kind then he would have money for alcohol. I said no to going.
Awhile later he seemed ok with the idea of adjusting how he is smoking these cigarettes so that they aren't as harsh. (!) This was followed up with the statement: Nana is sending my $30. Does she know that this money is going to go on alcohol? Yes, she said not to go overboard with it and I won't. Right, because buying 1-3 mickeys (375 ml bottles) of alcohol and drinking one in less then two hours isn't going overboard... He can get a mickey for $10, so $30 would get him three plus one of the tiny bottles of whatever it is that he also gets. All of these are 40% alcohol.
For the past two days I have been watching/listening as the voices are coming back and he is laughing out loud and being distracted by them. He is of course denying it. I didn't say anything else about it to my son... I posted this on my Facebook page:
Looks like my son will be drinking tonight. Recently stopped his Olanzapine cold turkey and is laughing at voices, so let's add some alcohol why don't we. I don't know who is worse
My daughter calls me to tell me that she spoke to Nana and she isn't sending the money that she didn't know he was off his Olanzapine.
Really?
I wrote this on April 13:
Today for the first time in a very long time I had trouble getting him to take his medication. He doesn't want to take his Olanzapine any more.
I know she read this blog post because we talked about it when we spoke the following day.
I wrote this on April 14:
As of Tuesday he is refusing to take any Olanzapine.
Maybe this one hadn't been read yet...
My daughter called me when hubby and I were at our chiropractor. Can you say subluxated? Usually I'm easier to adjust. My chiropractor asked what I've been doing? My son's grandmother is trying to give me a heart attack but other then that.... ;)
My son was waiting for us in the car since he usually comes with us for the car ride. I heard him on his cell saying something like: Wouldn't you be angry if you were being forced to take pills...
So I went to bed with the thought of what a conundrum. IF he was taking his Olanzapine then he would have been sent the $30? I'm not naive. I obviously know that when he gets money at the end of the month that he will spend some of it on alcohol. I was thankful that it was two weeks away so that we would have a better idea of how he was going to react coming off the Olanzapine cold turkey. I do live in reality (my reality anyways ;)) and I know I can't stop it but to enable him and help him...
April 13:
Nana's intentions may be good and I know are coming from a place of love... When my son pulls on her heartstrings with how much he needs to drink or get high because he is so unhappy, stressed, anxious and there is nothing for him in this world... Will she have the willpower to say no? Will she be able to put aside how much she loves him and how much her heart is breaking for him to make the right decisions? Will she be able keep her home drug and alcohol free even if that means him 'going to the streets' to get it?
I guess IF I had any doubts as to the answers to above... She can barely say no when they are pretty much on the opposite sides of the country. Can you imagine face to face?
My hubby says to me that I need to do something to stop this. Like what? A restraining order of zero contact crossed my mind... Yes I'm aware that's an overreaction. ;)
My son also called Ontario Works yesterday about getting his own place. He is not happy about the amount of money he is getting. Because of the letter from British Columbia's disability stating that he was on disability out there even when he was living here in Ontario, they are considering his payments while here as an over-payment and deducting $40 from his portion. He is still getting $100 and the only thing he needs to pay for is his cigarettes which he can get for $17 a carton. I even helped pay for his last ones and bought him a carton. Plus he got $60 from the government recently. I have informed his case worker at PACT so she can follow up and try to fix it, again. His motivation for getting his own place... More money and the ability to drink and/or abuse drugs.
I get that someone might read this and think: It's just alcohol. It's not just alcohol. It's like a member of AA not wanting to be associated with a drug addict because 'I don't use drugs!'. Addiction is addiction. It's been a battle to get my son from being a chronic marijuana smoker. How long before he is again? If he wanted money for heroine or cocaine would that be ok? I would hope that that line wouldn't be crossed however I don't see much of a difference in helping him drink or helping him get cocaine when drinking/using triggers his schizophrenia. Maybe it's just me.. It just seems so obvious to me at this point...
Enough of the negative... Out of the blue my son hugged me last night! One of those rare, you can actually feel, type of hugs. I held him for a moment and asked what that was for. He feels lonely and wants a girlfriend that he can cuddle with. Yes I know... Tear at your heartstrings...
He is not going to find that in the bottom of a bottle be it alcohol or benzos. We discussed him getting out with PACT's group on Wednesday as he declined going to the last one. It was bowling. Also when they called we were in the middle of a pretty in-depth conversation about his schizophrenia and voices. I won't make this post much longer with all the details. I was curious to know if his voices have ever threatened me. He said that they have told him to kill me or they would kill him and he waited for them to kill him because he wasn't going to kill me. That when they do this he creates his own 'robots' to keep them away from him. A lot of words that would take me forever to write and interpret into language that others would understand.
I'm pretty thankful actually that I can understand as much as I do. We manage to talk out a lot of what he is experiencing and I'm able to interpret what he says into 'normal English' and sometimes give him the medical terms for what he is telling me.
Anyways I should go... It's after 12 and I have been up since 5:30 when the little one below was headbutting me to get up and feed her.
So far all I have done is the dishes. Hubby brought home some stones yesterday for the backyard and it's a nice day out. Also a couple of days ago I received my new Dyson vacuum that I ordered with my Aeroplan points that I haven't used it. So I'm off to face my day...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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