It's been awhile... Sorry about that.
I remember when I was younger someone telling me they wanted to grow old gracefully. I didn't understand that then however I think I get it now. Except I prefer to think of it as embracing what is and what is to come. We are going to age no matter what. It's how we choose to deal with those changes that I guess would be the graceful part.
Granted I'm not that old yet. I'm only 43 and I don't look 43. When I'm out with my children we usually get asked if we are siblings. Kind-of cool right? Perhaps. However I'm coming into another stage of my life and I want to embrace it. I am embracing it. Are you ready?
I'm going to be a grandma! I'm so excited about this. My daughter is going to have a baby!
I know I haven't been around much lately. Here or on my Facebook page or anywhere else for that matter. Life has been pretty full lately. Work is going good and keeping me busy during the days. Winter is here. My daughter is here! She came home to have her baby and to do her schooling. She has orientation on Friday and starts classes next week. I think she is about 8 weeks along and dealing with some nausea.
Some have reservations about her being here. About her having a baby so young. I just shake my head and wonder if they have all blocked out where we were when we had our babies. I remember where me and my kids dad where when my first was born. Living with my mother. Certainly not any older or more mature. Concerns about me mothering her too much. Haha! I plan to! There are times when a girl needs her mom and this is one of them. There are times when a girl needs to be mothered and accepted with no reservations and this is one of them. Soon enough she will have to take on the responsibility of being a mother herself. For now I will more then gladly take on the responsibility of being her mother, of putting her first, because it's been a long time since anyone did that for her. For her, not just because of the baby. Her world has been turned upside down. I will do my best to turn it upside right. :)
So taking prenatal vitamins and B6 for nausea is now part of our daily dinnertime routine. We are waiting on the referral to the baby doctor for her first appointment. Boy or girl? There is always a debate on that one. I only know that I started dreaming about a little girl that reminded me of my daughter sometime last year... Either way I can't wait!
Hubby has been embracing this as well. He is looking forward to going through it all with her. Due to the weather he hasn't been working a lot lately so when he is home he takes her with him when he is out scooting around from place to place.
As you may remember from one of my earlier posts, I have been trying to grow my hair out and go natural. So yes grey. The other day I got a hair cut, short. Took off all the old blond so now it's just my natural blend. My daughter doesn't particularly like it but hubby and I love it. I like the grey. I also got a new pair of glasses as my eyesight took a bit of a dive. I got progressive bifocals. Bifocals without the line.
As for my son. Not a lot has changed. He is still in the hospital waiting to go into the treatment center whenever they have a bed available. He calls me once or twice a month to ask for money. I don't know a lot about his treatment as he still hasn't signed a release for me and for the most part no one else including himself seems that aware of what meds he is on or doses etc. His grandmother did manage to find out for me recently that the long acting injection he is on is Haldol. It seems they have taken him off the Olanzapine and lowered his Lithium. He isn't fairing so well from what I have been told. Audio, visual and tactile hallucinations. Personally I think he is using marijuana however I seem to be the only one willing to acknowledge that. He is drinking alcohol of course whenever he gets the chance.
I'm off... Have some things to do before I start work.
Mom/Grandma
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Showing posts with label Support. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Support. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Friday, September 25, 2015
Glass Houses, Time For A Second Opinion
Hello readers! I have missed you...
Life, as it does, has kept going.
My son is currently in a shelter. He did come home for a little while.
I did manage to arrange a family meeting while he was inpatient. A lot of good that did. I shouldn't say that. His case manager requested that they do a assessment of my son to see what type of life skills he has for living on his own. No surprise there. He doesn't have any. He never has. He can't take care of himself when he is living in an environment when most of his basic needs are being taken care of. His level of self-care is non-existent at this point.
Since there was no where for him to go when it came time for him to be released from the hospital, I brought him home. He certainly wasn't stable, just not in crisis anymore.
It took less the 24 hours for things to start to fall apart. 5 days later he was in a shelter. During that short time it was attitude about everything. Smoking in his room. Sleeping outside on the front steps. Leaving a trail of mess wherever he went including spit and vomit. Swearing at me... It all came to a head when my husband asked him to clean up his mess on the front steps as there was cigarette butts everywhere, garbage and glass dishes that we were worried a kid could get hurt since they play around my front steps. That wasn't taken very well by my son. The end result... Michael throwing my coffee maker on the floor, smashing it and screaming in my face to F-off. The next day I had his nurse take him to the shelter.
For the most part it's been the same as any other shelter stay. Calling me for money and cigarettes. He did receive a payment from disability for almost $600 while in there. That was gone in no time. He told me that he got robbed. I don't believe it. I know what he was like the last time he got robbed. How upset and animated he was about it. This time... Nothing but calm. We did end up buying him 2 cartoons of cigarettes that was gone is just over a week. According to my son they kept disappearing, that someone must be taking them out of his backpack. You would have to see my son with his backpack. It doesn't leave his side. Of course not... I would bet my life on it there is marijuana in it. Actually I don't need to do that as he admitted to me last night that he has some.
There was arrangements being made for him to go into a group home. They were redoing the room so it was taking a little longer for them to paint etc. His nurse went and cleaned him up pretty good for the meeting. I was impressed when I saw him. Sadly he lost his spot. I guess he was acting pretty inappropriate while at this meeting. My son didn't want to go there since he knew arrangements were being made for him to possibly go with his grandmother. He made that pretty clear during the meeting that he didn't want to be there.
The shelter gives first priority to PACT clients. My son was a shoe-in. Normally one has to wait a long time to get into a group home but circumstances arose at just the right time. I remember thinking: Finally. We can start getting him on the right track to growing up and being responsible. I was wrong. Another PACT client got it.
Last week I found out that a plane ticket was in the works.
The conversations regarding this between my husband and I has been... He sounds like I did a year ago. Can't you do this? What if you do that? He can't go there... Did you tell so and so about this? Yes I've done it all. Which is most likely why there was zero assistance coming from anyone on this end to help it happen. No one would even take him to the airport however just like before, no one could stop it. Legally an adult and I don't have power of attorney.
This Monday was a tough day for me. After a weekend of trying to resolve myself to the idea of yet again letting go and letting my son mess up his life even further, I ended up going to the store and buying cigarettes. 3 months... I stood there thinking I can fall apart right now which I'm not inclined to do or smoke. I was also butting heads with my boss and ready to quit for a moment ;).
For the past 24 hours or so I have been struggling with feelings of hurt. I know that I can sometimes sound pretty harsh about my son's grandmother. I'm certainly not in agreement with what she tries to do. Still I have always understood that she thinks she is doing what is best and that her actions are out of love for my son. We just don't agree on what love is ;).
I know that I try to come off like I don't care what other people think of me. Of course I do to a certain extent. I don't change what I'm doing because of it because I truly believe in what I'm doing and why.
I found out how my son was going to get to the airport. His great-uncle. I haven't spoken to this person since I was with my kids Dad. However when we were together we used to hang out with him a lot... I called him and left him a message to please call me before putting my son on a plane. I have been informed that he won't talk to me except to... well anyways. All he knows about me now is what he has been told by my son's grandmother. I can only imagine the horrible person that he thinks that I am. How I'm turning my back on my son, putting him out on the streets and certainly not showing him any love... Yes the thought of someone thinking about me like that, hurts. Surprisingly it hurts a lot. Not much I can do except remind myself that however he sees me is behind the glass of his own glass house.
Yesterday morning I was informed that he wasn't going there. His grandmother had changed her mind.
Now what? I don't know. Again time has been lost where his treatment team could have been looking for housing for him. I saw my son last night. Would I consider taking him back? Yes if there is power of attorney. My son says that power of attorney is against his religion.
This brings me to the second opinion. I want a second opinion on his diagnoses. I know that I have questioned if he has schizophrenia and then I end up falling back on that diagnoses. Still there has always been something that says that there is a lot more going on. When he gets sick he presents as schizophrenic. I had asked his nurse to bring it up to his treatment team to have him re-evaluated. His nurse got turned down. Due to my son's history of diagnoses and referrals etc the schizophrenia diagnoses is staying. That means that one doctor reads another doctors notes, sees my son while he is again presenting with apparent psychosis and nods his head in agreement. Yes, schizophrenia. Let's not question the status-quo.
Here's a what if? What if in 2011 the doctor's in British Colombia knew the extent of my son's marijuana use. The marijuana use that was hidden from them and covered up. The marijuana use that was causing his medications to not work and therefore giving him the diagnoses note of: Medication resistant. The marijuana use that got him the sub-type diagnoses of paranoid schizophrenia. It's always been the marijuana that causes him to be paranoid. When he isn't using the paranoia is gone, the belief in chi, telekinesis and whatever else he used to do before coming to live with me, is also gone. Without marijuana where is his paranoid schizophrenia? Good question.
Since he has been in the shelter I'm pretty sure he is back to daily use again. He is way to mellow. Not a care in the world. He is presenting as someone in psychosis... Takes a long time to answer a question or respond when asked to do something. I was told that the shelter staff have been having to direct him or tell him to not being doing certain things like lying on the floors etc. It's because he is stoned.
I really wish a professional would take the time to help me understand what I'm seeing and put it all into perspective because it's not adding up. As far as I know the defining characteristic of having a psychotic break is losing touch with reality. My son doesn't lose touch with reality. This has always been something that keeps standing out for me. Over the years conversations about his breaks has come up. He remembers all of his breaks, if that is what they are. He remembers his first one where he was catatonic. He heard everyone talking to him and felt them touching him. He was just lost in his own head from the all of the marijuana that he had smoked. The first break I went through with him where he believed he was a vampire, in a gang and chewed on my fingernails. He remembers doing that. When he punched out his grandmother. He remembers all of that. He didn't break with reality. In each of these instances he had been smoking marijuana and having recently stopped taking prescribed amounts of medications or stopped completely. Even if one doesn't have psychosis and stops medications like that then the rebound affect can be psychosis. And yet even with all that my son doesn't break with reality. So many times I will think that he is lost in there. Until you say or do something and realize he is very much aware.
I'm not sure what my son's mental illnesses are... I have some thoughts and ideas and they fit better then schizophrenia. Sadly schizophrenia would probably be the better choice. Since the beginning I have questioned if what I'm seeing is sociopath. That is also in his genes. I questioned narcissism. A lot of the characteristics of his personality that can't be explained or attributed to schizophrenia or even ADHD and ODD can be seen and makes sense if one has narcissistic personality disorder. Could what he is going through be the beginning stages of either one of these? My son is still young. His personality is still developing. I have watched him become more and more adapt at manipulation. I have watched his mood swings and play of emotions when he isn't getting what he wants. Narcissistic are not without emotion. In fact they have lots of them and can be very loving I'm sure when it suites their own purposes. What happens when they aren't getting what they want or what they feel they deserve?
My son just called me. He wants me to come see him today. I was surprised at that request since he knows that I'm not going to give him any money and I dropped of smokes last night. Sometimes he breaks my heart into little pieces. I was watching some teenagers on skateboards last night. My son has missed out on all that. Regardless of what my childhood and life has been, I had playing in the rain, fighting with my best friends, sleep-overs, embarrassing classroom moments, first loves, first break-ups and learning about sex all the wrong ways...
I can't give him his lost childhood. I wish that I could give him his adulthood.
The very same people who are treating me like I'm nothing are the very same people who are leaving me to pick up the pieces time and time again with no support. I find it somewhat ironic. Strike that. I find it very ironic. If I'm such a horrible mother/person who doesn't know how to love or help my son, why am I the one being left to deal with the consequences of other peoples choices yet again?
Time to get some things out of the way before I start work.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Life, as it does, has kept going.
My son is currently in a shelter. He did come home for a little while.
I did manage to arrange a family meeting while he was inpatient. A lot of good that did. I shouldn't say that. His case manager requested that they do a assessment of my son to see what type of life skills he has for living on his own. No surprise there. He doesn't have any. He never has. He can't take care of himself when he is living in an environment when most of his basic needs are being taken care of. His level of self-care is non-existent at this point.
Since there was no where for him to go when it came time for him to be released from the hospital, I brought him home. He certainly wasn't stable, just not in crisis anymore.
It took less the 24 hours for things to start to fall apart. 5 days later he was in a shelter. During that short time it was attitude about everything. Smoking in his room. Sleeping outside on the front steps. Leaving a trail of mess wherever he went including spit and vomit. Swearing at me... It all came to a head when my husband asked him to clean up his mess on the front steps as there was cigarette butts everywhere, garbage and glass dishes that we were worried a kid could get hurt since they play around my front steps. That wasn't taken very well by my son. The end result... Michael throwing my coffee maker on the floor, smashing it and screaming in my face to F-off. The next day I had his nurse take him to the shelter.
For the most part it's been the same as any other shelter stay. Calling me for money and cigarettes. He did receive a payment from disability for almost $600 while in there. That was gone in no time. He told me that he got robbed. I don't believe it. I know what he was like the last time he got robbed. How upset and animated he was about it. This time... Nothing but calm. We did end up buying him 2 cartoons of cigarettes that was gone is just over a week. According to my son they kept disappearing, that someone must be taking them out of his backpack. You would have to see my son with his backpack. It doesn't leave his side. Of course not... I would bet my life on it there is marijuana in it. Actually I don't need to do that as he admitted to me last night that he has some.
There was arrangements being made for him to go into a group home. They were redoing the room so it was taking a little longer for them to paint etc. His nurse went and cleaned him up pretty good for the meeting. I was impressed when I saw him. Sadly he lost his spot. I guess he was acting pretty inappropriate while at this meeting. My son didn't want to go there since he knew arrangements were being made for him to possibly go with his grandmother. He made that pretty clear during the meeting that he didn't want to be there.
The shelter gives first priority to PACT clients. My son was a shoe-in. Normally one has to wait a long time to get into a group home but circumstances arose at just the right time. I remember thinking: Finally. We can start getting him on the right track to growing up and being responsible. I was wrong. Another PACT client got it.
Last week I found out that a plane ticket was in the works.
The conversations regarding this between my husband and I has been... He sounds like I did a year ago. Can't you do this? What if you do that? He can't go there... Did you tell so and so about this? Yes I've done it all. Which is most likely why there was zero assistance coming from anyone on this end to help it happen. No one would even take him to the airport however just like before, no one could stop it. Legally an adult and I don't have power of attorney.
This Monday was a tough day for me. After a weekend of trying to resolve myself to the idea of yet again letting go and letting my son mess up his life even further, I ended up going to the store and buying cigarettes. 3 months... I stood there thinking I can fall apart right now which I'm not inclined to do or smoke. I was also butting heads with my boss and ready to quit for a moment ;).
For the past 24 hours or so I have been struggling with feelings of hurt. I know that I can sometimes sound pretty harsh about my son's grandmother. I'm certainly not in agreement with what she tries to do. Still I have always understood that she thinks she is doing what is best and that her actions are out of love for my son. We just don't agree on what love is ;).
I know that I try to come off like I don't care what other people think of me. Of course I do to a certain extent. I don't change what I'm doing because of it because I truly believe in what I'm doing and why.
I found out how my son was going to get to the airport. His great-uncle. I haven't spoken to this person since I was with my kids Dad. However when we were together we used to hang out with him a lot... I called him and left him a message to please call me before putting my son on a plane. I have been informed that he won't talk to me except to... well anyways. All he knows about me now is what he has been told by my son's grandmother. I can only imagine the horrible person that he thinks that I am. How I'm turning my back on my son, putting him out on the streets and certainly not showing him any love... Yes the thought of someone thinking about me like that, hurts. Surprisingly it hurts a lot. Not much I can do except remind myself that however he sees me is behind the glass of his own glass house.
Yesterday morning I was informed that he wasn't going there. His grandmother had changed her mind.
Now what? I don't know. Again time has been lost where his treatment team could have been looking for housing for him. I saw my son last night. Would I consider taking him back? Yes if there is power of attorney. My son says that power of attorney is against his religion.
This brings me to the second opinion. I want a second opinion on his diagnoses. I know that I have questioned if he has schizophrenia and then I end up falling back on that diagnoses. Still there has always been something that says that there is a lot more going on. When he gets sick he presents as schizophrenic. I had asked his nurse to bring it up to his treatment team to have him re-evaluated. His nurse got turned down. Due to my son's history of diagnoses and referrals etc the schizophrenia diagnoses is staying. That means that one doctor reads another doctors notes, sees my son while he is again presenting with apparent psychosis and nods his head in agreement. Yes, schizophrenia. Let's not question the status-quo.
Here's a what if? What if in 2011 the doctor's in British Colombia knew the extent of my son's marijuana use. The marijuana use that was hidden from them and covered up. The marijuana use that was causing his medications to not work and therefore giving him the diagnoses note of: Medication resistant. The marijuana use that got him the sub-type diagnoses of paranoid schizophrenia. It's always been the marijuana that causes him to be paranoid. When he isn't using the paranoia is gone, the belief in chi, telekinesis and whatever else he used to do before coming to live with me, is also gone. Without marijuana where is his paranoid schizophrenia? Good question.
Since he has been in the shelter I'm pretty sure he is back to daily use again. He is way to mellow. Not a care in the world. He is presenting as someone in psychosis... Takes a long time to answer a question or respond when asked to do something. I was told that the shelter staff have been having to direct him or tell him to not being doing certain things like lying on the floors etc. It's because he is stoned.
I really wish a professional would take the time to help me understand what I'm seeing and put it all into perspective because it's not adding up. As far as I know the defining characteristic of having a psychotic break is losing touch with reality. My son doesn't lose touch with reality. This has always been something that keeps standing out for me. Over the years conversations about his breaks has come up. He remembers all of his breaks, if that is what they are. He remembers his first one where he was catatonic. He heard everyone talking to him and felt them touching him. He was just lost in his own head from the all of the marijuana that he had smoked. The first break I went through with him where he believed he was a vampire, in a gang and chewed on my fingernails. He remembers doing that. When he punched out his grandmother. He remembers all of that. He didn't break with reality. In each of these instances he had been smoking marijuana and having recently stopped taking prescribed amounts of medications or stopped completely. Even if one doesn't have psychosis and stops medications like that then the rebound affect can be psychosis. And yet even with all that my son doesn't break with reality. So many times I will think that he is lost in there. Until you say or do something and realize he is very much aware.
I'm not sure what my son's mental illnesses are... I have some thoughts and ideas and they fit better then schizophrenia. Sadly schizophrenia would probably be the better choice. Since the beginning I have questioned if what I'm seeing is sociopath. That is also in his genes. I questioned narcissism. A lot of the characteristics of his personality that can't be explained or attributed to schizophrenia or even ADHD and ODD can be seen and makes sense if one has narcissistic personality disorder. Could what he is going through be the beginning stages of either one of these? My son is still young. His personality is still developing. I have watched him become more and more adapt at manipulation. I have watched his mood swings and play of emotions when he isn't getting what he wants. Narcissistic are not without emotion. In fact they have lots of them and can be very loving I'm sure when it suites their own purposes. What happens when they aren't getting what they want or what they feel they deserve?
My son just called me. He wants me to come see him today. I was surprised at that request since he knows that I'm not going to give him any money and I dropped of smokes last night. Sometimes he breaks my heart into little pieces. I was watching some teenagers on skateboards last night. My son has missed out on all that. Regardless of what my childhood and life has been, I had playing in the rain, fighting with my best friends, sleep-overs, embarrassing classroom moments, first loves, first break-ups and learning about sex all the wrong ways...
I can't give him his lost childhood. I wish that I could give him his adulthood.
The very same people who are treating me like I'm nothing are the very same people who are leaving me to pick up the pieces time and time again with no support. I find it somewhat ironic. Strike that. I find it very ironic. If I'm such a horrible mother/person who doesn't know how to love or help my son, why am I the one being left to deal with the consequences of other peoples choices yet again?
Time to get some things out of the way before I start work.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, August 7, 2015
Not in a good mood.
I just got off the phone with Michael and his answer for not wanting to talk to me is that he is not in a good mood right now. No I guess not. He has not been in a good mood for awhile. The roller coaster ride of feeding your addiction then going through withdrawal is enough to put one in a bad mood. He may not be able to see that right now but for those of us on the outside looking in, shouldn't that be enough of a reason to push for addiction treatment instead of thinking that using in any amount is ok?
I called the shelter this morning to find out how he was doing. I have spoken about the lady from the shelter before that talks to me openly about my son. She seems to understand where I'm coming from and genuinely wants to help my son. She told me that she told PACT that his mother is tired, needs a break and she sees how I'm there for him and that I love him. I keep thinking I need to get her a box of chocolates or something.
He did have a shower and get cleaned up! She said I would have been proud to see him. The shelter didn't make this happen however she did push PACT to be pro-active and get more involved that my son needed them. If they didn't help the shelter would have to find somewhere else for him to go as he couldn't stay there like he was. So his nurse stepped in and helped him get cleaned up and do his laundry.
This is what needs to happen. This is why I try to step out of the picture if I can. So that my son can start to learn to lean on, trust and interact with his treatment team. As well-meaning as even my own intentions are, my love or want to help, can interfere with my son seeking the right kind of support.
When I got my son's cigarettes, we kept one carton in the car so that he wouldn't go through them too quickly. He wants the other carton now so I will get hubby to drop them off on the way home tonight and he also wants a coffee ;). Michael asked if we could take him out for dinner or something. Tomorrow is my day off and hopefully if hubby isn't working then maybe I will see about putting a picnic together and spending some time at a park. I know my son likes that as does hubby.
I think he is back taking at least some of his medications. He said he forgot last night so I told him to go ask for them once he got off the phone.
I will leave it at that for today...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
I called the shelter this morning to find out how he was doing. I have spoken about the lady from the shelter before that talks to me openly about my son. She seems to understand where I'm coming from and genuinely wants to help my son. She told me that she told PACT that his mother is tired, needs a break and she sees how I'm there for him and that I love him. I keep thinking I need to get her a box of chocolates or something.
He did have a shower and get cleaned up! She said I would have been proud to see him. The shelter didn't make this happen however she did push PACT to be pro-active and get more involved that my son needed them. If they didn't help the shelter would have to find somewhere else for him to go as he couldn't stay there like he was. So his nurse stepped in and helped him get cleaned up and do his laundry.
This is what needs to happen. This is why I try to step out of the picture if I can. So that my son can start to learn to lean on, trust and interact with his treatment team. As well-meaning as even my own intentions are, my love or want to help, can interfere with my son seeking the right kind of support.
When I got my son's cigarettes, we kept one carton in the car so that he wouldn't go through them too quickly. He wants the other carton now so I will get hubby to drop them off on the way home tonight and he also wants a coffee ;). Michael asked if we could take him out for dinner or something. Tomorrow is my day off and hopefully if hubby isn't working then maybe I will see about putting a picnic together and spending some time at a park. I know my son likes that as does hubby.
I think he is back taking at least some of his medications. He said he forgot last night so I told him to go ask for them once he got off the phone.
I will leave it at that for today...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Why yes, I'm ecstatic!
Sarcasm!
Forewarned this post may be a bit if a rant.
I saw my son yesterday. He's a mess. He has obviously been in the same cloths for a long time. He hasn't showered or even washed that I can tell. He hasn't been taking his medications. I'm pretty sure he has been smoking marijuana.
Hubby and I picked him up to take him and get cigarettes. First we had to go to the bank so that I could transfer him his $314 that I owed him from disability. The whole time we were with him he was clenching his fist with all of his strength. I knew when I saw this that he wasn't taking his medications. At one point hubby said he asked my son why he was doing this and my son replied that he was trying to make his body work right. His brain isn't working right so his body isn't going to. He ended up giving me his bank card so that I could buy the smokes for him because he couldn't 'catch his breath' to get out of the car and do it himself.
I told my son that once we got back to the shelter I was going to go in with him so he could get his medications and put on some clean cloths. He said ok. As soon as we walked in to the shelter... Hello ODD. His defiance came out of nowhere. He didn't want his medications. One of the staff said they have been talking to him about showering etc however he 'bolts' or leaves the shelter.
Hubby and I have been talking about what to do. So far we haven't come up with any solid answers. I try not to get pissy with him when he asks me what I'm going to do. But seriously, if I had the answers I would be doing it. I don't have them... I don't know what to do.
I know how much I wanted to grab my son's stuff and bring him home.
Here's the catch. I'm a recovered addict. If I want to stay a recovered addict then one thing that I need to be able to do is think things through to the end. One of the problems with being an addict is that the mind only wants to see the good parts of using. Not the negative consequences and as long as one can keep blocking out those memories then one can keep pretending that using is ok.
I forget the exact wording of what was said during an ADAPT meeting but something along the lines of: An addict will not change until the pain of using is worse then the pain of not using.
I can bring him home. He has over $300 in his bank account. He is unstable and defiant. He believes he should be able to smoke and drink in his room. It doesn't take a genius to figure out where that scenario is most likely going.
I had already said to my husband that I need to bring him home if I can put some things in place. Before I left I tried to talk to my son. I wasn't expecting it to be an in-depth conversation considering his mental state. I got worse then I was expecting. I went to crouch/sit beside him and he got mad and told me to stand up and talk to him. I don't know why he gets like this with me. I mean the not wanting me to talk to him on his level. It just goes against everything that I have read on how to talk to someone experiencing psychosis. Especially since he gets so defiant with me being the main disciplinary. Yet he still gets mad, doesn't want me on his level and wants me to take the authoritative stance. The only thing I can reason is that somewhere in his head is a recognition that he actually needs someone to take on the role of authority for him. But then his ODD gets in the way...
I asked him if he remembered talking to his Nana about not going out there. Yes. I told him that I want to take him home however I can't if he has control over his money to buy alcohol because alcohol is killing him. I want power of attorney. He refused.
A couple of days ago I received a message from his grandmother stating that she had told him no to him coming there and she hoped that made everyone happy. Needless to say I didn't respond. The sarcastic side of me wanted to answer with: Why yes, I'm ecstatic. Thank you! I figured not answering was the better option.
My daughter calls to find out if I got the message and to include the side-note that obviously Nana didn't really mean it and that she would step in and take him if she felt it was necessary.
As far as I know that plans are/were to have my son go directly into a shelter out there. So switching one shelter for another? Then I guess work on getting him into his own place since this is what he wants. Well it's what he says he wants. He knows full well that once he gets there he can say no to any form of assisted living and that if he does that then he will end up with Nana. The ideal situation for him. He doesn't have to care about anyone except himself. He doesn't have to try to be sober and stable. To be blunt, he doesn't have to try period. He will get his pat on the head while someone else cleans up after him and protects him from himself.
The rant. Can you see my son living on his own?! He can't even keep himself stable when he is living somewhere that is feeding him and providing him with basic amenities. Yet that is what him and his grandmother seem to be concocting between the two of them. Unless he is telling her that he will go into a group home out there. If that is the case and it is being believed I can only shake my head some more.
My son, in my opinion, needs several basic things. Mainly he needs long-term treatment for addiction. By long-term I'm thinking 3-6 months to start. He needs help from non-family, so he can't use and manipulate them, to help him become stable, stay stable and learn to mature and grow up. Until he gets these things. Everything else is just prolonging everyone's suffering, including and especially his own.
My son isn't stupid by no means. When I had the police take him, one of them went with him to his room to collect his things. My son was very drunk. Not as drunk as I thought. He made sure to disconnect, unplug and turn off the laptop so that I couldn't have access to it. Before leaving he wanted my phone to call his Nana. I know some may think: Well yes she is the one he knows will support him. Hmm. The one that will support him or enable him. There is a big difference.
Honestly he has support coming out his.... ;) Agencies and people just waiting for him to give the go ahead and they will be right there. PACT has peer support, group support and vocational (job) support. ADAPT has addiction support. Applications have been started for housing. He has an open file at the YMCA for free schooling at his own pace. My son is 21 and says no thank you...
He also has me and my husband. Apparently I expect too much. Expecting Michael to follow basic rules that a 5 year old can follow, clean up after himself, treat me with respect, not be violent, try to be medication compliant and engage is addiction services is apparently too much for him. How do you respond to that? Seriously if he is that bad off then he really should be in the hospital with 24/7 care not traipsing on a plane across the country!
Where we are at now is not new. He has been here before. He has played the system, played and manipulated emotions until he got what he wanted. Freedom from responsibility, stability or sobriety.
Do you think he doesn't know that if he doesn't participate in recovery plans here that in time he will get what he wants? Of course he does. Like I said he isn't stupid.
Something I had too look at and acknowledge was/is that his masturbation episodes are tied into his alcohol use and not his schizophrenia so yes it is more behavioral. I didn't know until I found out about him calling dial-a-bottle that he was during the time of his masturbating frequently and in public, drinking almost a bottle of alcohol a day. I also found out that one of the ladies at the shelter caught him doing this in public and had to talk to him about it. I didn't tell her that I knew that he had purchased a bottle of alcohol since being there. Just like I didn't tell them that I'm pretty sure he probably has marijuana on him. Maybe that is why he bolts when expected to shower and change cloths? He keeps his jacket on and close to him when he is hiding stuff.
There is also the distinct possibility that if he gets himself kicked out of there then in steps his safety net. I may not be actively stopping this from happening however I'm certainly not going to help it happen.
Of all the blogs that I read. Jagged Little Edges is without a doubt one of my favorites. Lorelie doesn't hold any punches on what addiction is and the truth of it's ugliness is spelled out in black and white. Lorelie's last blog post: Loving An Addict Means Saying No.
A lot of Lorelie's posts are also highlighted on: Addiction Campuses
I know there are a lot of families who struggle with concurrent disorders of addiction and mental illness. I only speak for what I see with my son. He doesn't use to self-medicate symptoms. He uses/drinks to feed/satisfy his addictions. It's doing this that triggers his schizophrenia and causes the rebound affect. Also my son doesn't want to medication his symptoms. He very much enjoys his psychosis when he is in it. Probably another reason why he didn't want to take his medications yesterday. Why mess with his high? I have been around addiction enough to recognize that mind-set. I have been there. Don't eat too much before doing this drug or you will lessen the high...
I did tell the lady at the shelter that my son was psychotic and needed his medications so hopefully they were a little more attentive last night about 'reminding him' to take them. It's not a part of their duties and they get busy. Not sure I buy that. The other shelter had less staff and they did more. They followed up on medications. They searched more for drugs etc. being brought in. I know because I watched them do it. Too bad it was in such a horrible neighborhood. I have yet to see this shelter search anyone including my son. The lady asked what the signs were of my son's psychosis. To me it's obvious but I'm mom and have looked at his face for signs for years now. I asked if she knew what high looks like? What extreme exhaustion looks like? Combine them and you have my son's current face. Again I left out that he was most likely high... Really in the end it was the psychosis I'm trying to nip in the butt before something negative happens and high or not high he would still look pretty much the same from psychosis.
My appointment with ADAPT last week got rescheduled to the 18th of August. Today is a civic holiday here in Ontario, Canada so I'm not working! Hubby is :(. My work schedule has changed. Now I'm 12-6:30 Mon-Fri and I think 10:30-2 on Sunday. So 6 days a week and more hours. I may see if I can switch from Sunday to Saturday as Sunday is the one day I can pretty much count on hubby not working. The hours are being split between me and another lady. I got paid! I needed it to help cover rent due to what I had to give to Michael. I got my hair cut yesterday. Pretty short. I guess it's a bob? shorter at the back and long around the face. It feels good. I haven't had a cigarette in 6 weeks! I'm not sure how long it's been for hubby. I think 3 weeks. My homemade protein bars were a hit. We both like them. Have to make more today. I may even get back on my stepper today and do some exercise.
The above things make me happy. Certainly not the situation that my son is in or the fact that I have to fight so hard to try and get him the treatment that he needs.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Forewarned this post may be a bit if a rant.
I saw my son yesterday. He's a mess. He has obviously been in the same cloths for a long time. He hasn't showered or even washed that I can tell. He hasn't been taking his medications. I'm pretty sure he has been smoking marijuana.
Hubby and I picked him up to take him and get cigarettes. First we had to go to the bank so that I could transfer him his $314 that I owed him from disability. The whole time we were with him he was clenching his fist with all of his strength. I knew when I saw this that he wasn't taking his medications. At one point hubby said he asked my son why he was doing this and my son replied that he was trying to make his body work right. His brain isn't working right so his body isn't going to. He ended up giving me his bank card so that I could buy the smokes for him because he couldn't 'catch his breath' to get out of the car and do it himself.
I told my son that once we got back to the shelter I was going to go in with him so he could get his medications and put on some clean cloths. He said ok. As soon as we walked in to the shelter... Hello ODD. His defiance came out of nowhere. He didn't want his medications. One of the staff said they have been talking to him about showering etc however he 'bolts' or leaves the shelter.
Hubby and I have been talking about what to do. So far we haven't come up with any solid answers. I try not to get pissy with him when he asks me what I'm going to do. But seriously, if I had the answers I would be doing it. I don't have them... I don't know what to do.
I know how much I wanted to grab my son's stuff and bring him home.
Here's the catch. I'm a recovered addict. If I want to stay a recovered addict then one thing that I need to be able to do is think things through to the end. One of the problems with being an addict is that the mind only wants to see the good parts of using. Not the negative consequences and as long as one can keep blocking out those memories then one can keep pretending that using is ok.
I forget the exact wording of what was said during an ADAPT meeting but something along the lines of: An addict will not change until the pain of using is worse then the pain of not using.
I can bring him home. He has over $300 in his bank account. He is unstable and defiant. He believes he should be able to smoke and drink in his room. It doesn't take a genius to figure out where that scenario is most likely going.
I had already said to my husband that I need to bring him home if I can put some things in place. Before I left I tried to talk to my son. I wasn't expecting it to be an in-depth conversation considering his mental state. I got worse then I was expecting. I went to crouch/sit beside him and he got mad and told me to stand up and talk to him. I don't know why he gets like this with me. I mean the not wanting me to talk to him on his level. It just goes against everything that I have read on how to talk to someone experiencing psychosis. Especially since he gets so defiant with me being the main disciplinary. Yet he still gets mad, doesn't want me on his level and wants me to take the authoritative stance. The only thing I can reason is that somewhere in his head is a recognition that he actually needs someone to take on the role of authority for him. But then his ODD gets in the way...
I asked him if he remembered talking to his Nana about not going out there. Yes. I told him that I want to take him home however I can't if he has control over his money to buy alcohol because alcohol is killing him. I want power of attorney. He refused.
A couple of days ago I received a message from his grandmother stating that she had told him no to him coming there and she hoped that made everyone happy. Needless to say I didn't respond. The sarcastic side of me wanted to answer with: Why yes, I'm ecstatic. Thank you! I figured not answering was the better option.
My daughter calls to find out if I got the message and to include the side-note that obviously Nana didn't really mean it and that she would step in and take him if she felt it was necessary.
As far as I know that plans are/were to have my son go directly into a shelter out there. So switching one shelter for another? Then I guess work on getting him into his own place since this is what he wants. Well it's what he says he wants. He knows full well that once he gets there he can say no to any form of assisted living and that if he does that then he will end up with Nana. The ideal situation for him. He doesn't have to care about anyone except himself. He doesn't have to try to be sober and stable. To be blunt, he doesn't have to try period. He will get his pat on the head while someone else cleans up after him and protects him from himself.
The rant. Can you see my son living on his own?! He can't even keep himself stable when he is living somewhere that is feeding him and providing him with basic amenities. Yet that is what him and his grandmother seem to be concocting between the two of them. Unless he is telling her that he will go into a group home out there. If that is the case and it is being believed I can only shake my head some more.
My son, in my opinion, needs several basic things. Mainly he needs long-term treatment for addiction. By long-term I'm thinking 3-6 months to start. He needs help from non-family, so he can't use and manipulate them, to help him become stable, stay stable and learn to mature and grow up. Until he gets these things. Everything else is just prolonging everyone's suffering, including and especially his own.
My son isn't stupid by no means. When I had the police take him, one of them went with him to his room to collect his things. My son was very drunk. Not as drunk as I thought. He made sure to disconnect, unplug and turn off the laptop so that I couldn't have access to it. Before leaving he wanted my phone to call his Nana. I know some may think: Well yes she is the one he knows will support him. Hmm. The one that will support him or enable him. There is a big difference.
Honestly he has support coming out his.... ;) Agencies and people just waiting for him to give the go ahead and they will be right there. PACT has peer support, group support and vocational (job) support. ADAPT has addiction support. Applications have been started for housing. He has an open file at the YMCA for free schooling at his own pace. My son is 21 and says no thank you...
He also has me and my husband. Apparently I expect too much. Expecting Michael to follow basic rules that a 5 year old can follow, clean up after himself, treat me with respect, not be violent, try to be medication compliant and engage is addiction services is apparently too much for him. How do you respond to that? Seriously if he is that bad off then he really should be in the hospital with 24/7 care not traipsing on a plane across the country!
Where we are at now is not new. He has been here before. He has played the system, played and manipulated emotions until he got what he wanted. Freedom from responsibility, stability or sobriety.
Do you think he doesn't know that if he doesn't participate in recovery plans here that in time he will get what he wants? Of course he does. Like I said he isn't stupid.
Something I had too look at and acknowledge was/is that his masturbation episodes are tied into his alcohol use and not his schizophrenia so yes it is more behavioral. I didn't know until I found out about him calling dial-a-bottle that he was during the time of his masturbating frequently and in public, drinking almost a bottle of alcohol a day. I also found out that one of the ladies at the shelter caught him doing this in public and had to talk to him about it. I didn't tell her that I knew that he had purchased a bottle of alcohol since being there. Just like I didn't tell them that I'm pretty sure he probably has marijuana on him. Maybe that is why he bolts when expected to shower and change cloths? He keeps his jacket on and close to him when he is hiding stuff.
There is also the distinct possibility that if he gets himself kicked out of there then in steps his safety net. I may not be actively stopping this from happening however I'm certainly not going to help it happen.
Of all the blogs that I read. Jagged Little Edges is without a doubt one of my favorites. Lorelie doesn't hold any punches on what addiction is and the truth of it's ugliness is spelled out in black and white. Lorelie's last blog post: Loving An Addict Means Saying No.
A lot of Lorelie's posts are also highlighted on: Addiction Campuses
I know there are a lot of families who struggle with concurrent disorders of addiction and mental illness. I only speak for what I see with my son. He doesn't use to self-medicate symptoms. He uses/drinks to feed/satisfy his addictions. It's doing this that triggers his schizophrenia and causes the rebound affect. Also my son doesn't want to medication his symptoms. He very much enjoys his psychosis when he is in it. Probably another reason why he didn't want to take his medications yesterday. Why mess with his high? I have been around addiction enough to recognize that mind-set. I have been there. Don't eat too much before doing this drug or you will lessen the high...
I did tell the lady at the shelter that my son was psychotic and needed his medications so hopefully they were a little more attentive last night about 'reminding him' to take them. It's not a part of their duties and they get busy. Not sure I buy that. The other shelter had less staff and they did more. They followed up on medications. They searched more for drugs etc. being brought in. I know because I watched them do it. Too bad it was in such a horrible neighborhood. I have yet to see this shelter search anyone including my son. The lady asked what the signs were of my son's psychosis. To me it's obvious but I'm mom and have looked at his face for signs for years now. I asked if she knew what high looks like? What extreme exhaustion looks like? Combine them and you have my son's current face. Again I left out that he was most likely high... Really in the end it was the psychosis I'm trying to nip in the butt before something negative happens and high or not high he would still look pretty much the same from psychosis.
My appointment with ADAPT last week got rescheduled to the 18th of August. Today is a civic holiday here in Ontario, Canada so I'm not working! Hubby is :(. My work schedule has changed. Now I'm 12-6:30 Mon-Fri and I think 10:30-2 on Sunday. So 6 days a week and more hours. I may see if I can switch from Sunday to Saturday as Sunday is the one day I can pretty much count on hubby not working. The hours are being split between me and another lady. I got paid! I needed it to help cover rent due to what I had to give to Michael. I got my hair cut yesterday. Pretty short. I guess it's a bob? shorter at the back and long around the face. It feels good. I haven't had a cigarette in 6 weeks! I'm not sure how long it's been for hubby. I think 3 weeks. My homemade protein bars were a hit. We both like them. Have to make more today. I may even get back on my stepper today and do some exercise.
The above things make me happy. Certainly not the situation that my son is in or the fact that I have to fight so hard to try and get him the treatment that he needs.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
My Mom's Boyfriend
I have been thinking on this since last night. My son refers to my hubby as "My mom's boyfriend". He is my son's step-dad since hubby and I are common-law. The thing is... He is not just my boyfriend. He is not just my son's step-dad. No disrespect to anyone however my hubby as been there for me, my son and my daughter since he came into our lives, to the best of his ability.
So today I wanted to take the time to acknowledge my husband and all that he is, has been and continues to be for me and my family. He may not always have the patience or understanding that I sometimes expect from him. Really who does?
In September 2012 I decided to leave my job with my hubby's support. In April 2013 I brought my son home with my hubby's support. In July 2014 we drove across Canada for my daughter's grade 12 graduation. Three months ago we decided it was time to move to a bigger place as it looked like my daughter was going to be moving back with me. Of course my daughter has decided not to move and my son is currently in a shelter... So now we are moving into a 3 bedroom town-home and it's just the 2 of us :)
Yesterday evening my son called: Are you bringing me smokes? Without even hesitating my hubby was there to drive me to my son even though he had worked all day. Today he was there to drive me to the shelter for a scheduled meeting. Just like always he is there. He may not have a very good understanding of mental illness but he is trying and he is trying very hard. No matter what it is he says to me: Barb whatever it is you know that I'm behind you 100%. Do what you gotta do... The best part of that is that I know that I can count on him to be true to that.
He may not be my son's biological father however he has been there for over two years now for my son. Yes he finds it hard. We all find it hard. BUT he is willing to try. He is willing to put himself out there emotionally and financially for me, my children and by extension my children's family. It's my husband that is there trying to understand. So much to say however I will leave it at that and just say that he is the one making it all possible.
So thank you to my hubby for being a better husband and step-dad then I could have hoped for! To quote the movie Avatar: "I see you" and I love you for all that you are willing to put up with from me and my children.
Back to my son... I had a fairly nice conversation with a taxi driver today as hubby couldn't come back to get me after the meeting which I will discuss shortly, so I took a cab home. He asked me if I was working in the town he picked me up in? I said no that I didn't work and that I was visiting my son at the shelter because he is there due to mental illness. He asked me what mental illness? I told him schizophrenia and addiction. We actually had a nice conversation about it as he himself used to work in a facility that dealt with mental illness. A very nice man and he wished me good luck when he dropped me off. I thanked him stating I could use some ;)
I did go see my son at the shelter last Saturday and meet with the lady that I had spoken to on the phone. We went over my son's medications a little bit. They don't oversee medication compliancy so my son has been missing some doses here and there. Discussed my son's level of self-care which is pretty non-existent. They may not equipped to handle the support my son seems to need. I didn't put him there... Discussed his need for drug treatment which my son still doesn't want to acknowledge. I had taken him his winter jacket and brought back his other one. He called me later that night. I'm not sure what happened but his roommate accused him of touching his stuff and threatened him. I talked to the shelter the next morning and that guy was no longer there. The person I spoke to was working when my son arrived there so he was aware of my son's case and we talked for a minute about what was going on.
I went to see my son last night and bring him some smokes. Not sure what my son is saying however they were under the impression that my son was without the proper clothing and needed assistance with that. He has winter boots and a dresser full of cloths. He only has... Yes that's because he packed himself and his goal at the time had nothing to do with what he was going to wear but with the opportunity to get high. So I packed a small suitcase this morning with his boots, another pair of jeans, long sleeved shirts and more socks and underwear. Last night he was supposed to have a shower. That didn't happen. It probably won't unless someone 'guides' him into having one.
Today I went to the shelter and meet with my son's case worker from PACT, the lady from Ready4Life and one of the shelter staff. Actually the guy I just spoke about. I wasn't sure how it was going to go with the lady from Ready4Life or how I was going to react to her... but it was fine. We discussed my son's possible housing options. We are all in agreement that he isn't capable of living on his own. He can't see that which makes it harder because they can only do what he will agree to. As far as I can tell the goal is to get him into the group home that better fits him because he can't be in the one that expects him to be out during the day.
I guess the shelter had tried to have my son agree to go to Safe Beds as they can offer more support and oversee medications however as usual for my son he declined. I explained that because my son is not stable that I think he confuses this time in the shelter with September 2014. He put up resistant to getting the right kind of help then too. He turns his back on and puts up road blocks to those trying to help him because right now his addiction is controlling him. He doesn't want support... He wants freedom. One comment he made was the he wants to snort percocets for the rest of his life. Not hard to tell where his thinking is at since he used to snort his Nana's perks.
At least this time we all seem to be on the same page and because we were all together my son didn't put up much resistance to all of us working together to help him achieve his long-term goal of having his own place. It came up about him coming home... That's not an easy question to answer. I would love to have my son come home however the reality is that once he gets it into his head that he wants to use then all of his promises of not being disrespectful or violent and doing chores etc, all go out the window.
We all tried to impress on him that this is the time that he needs to start making the right decisions. He can only stay at this shelter for 30 days. I'm ok with him coming home in between if it's needed however he still needs to participate in making choices that are going to keep him stable. He has it in his head that he doesn't have to worry about it because he will have his own place by then. Or he thinks he will be in British Columbia? Not if I have my say. I can't see him getting the same assistance as last time from the case workers here as they seem to already have a much clearer picture of how my son is acting. It wasn't even me this time that first commented that certain behaviors could be considered manipulative. Yes A++ in that skill ;).
I think the short-term goal is to get him into Safe Beds as they are much better equipped to deal with my son's issues. He did agree to have Safe Beds oversee his medications as I guess they are in the same building. It's a start. I did on several occasions speak to my son and try to get him to pay attention. I can't say I like it when people talk to him and he is obviously not paying attention to them and they keep talking... So I step in and get his attention and repeat what they had to say in words then I think will make sense to him. I asked him what he plans on doing if it comes to the point of his 30 days being up there and he doesn't have housing in place because he is not going back to BC. I had to repeat that scenario twice which is fine because that means he was listening. He seemed less resistant to Safe Beds after that and agreed to them overseeing his medications.
Whether we can get him into some sort of drug treatment is still up in the air. The lady from Ready4Life will be contacting ADAPT which is for addiction services. Maybe they can help to teach him how addiction is controlling his live. He doesn't see it as a problem. I explained to him that if his need to use is affecting his life and choices then it is a problem. Someone doesn't have to be drunk all the time or high all the time to have an addiction problem. If it changes who they are then it's a problem and my son's need/want to use changes who he is and how he acts. Also it furthers his schizophrenia which keeps him unstable.
Not sure exactly what is happening with disability. They still haven't called me back however my son says he is getting a check direct deposited next week. They did process him a drug benefits card which PACT has so they are now taking care of ordering and getting his medications.
Poor hubby... He is getting off of work, taking me to get my son smokes which is a 20 minute drive each way and then he may have to go work his second job of snow plowing.
Oh... Did you see that my blog got accepted here: Mental Health Writer's Guild. My Facebook page reached 500 likes yesterday. Ya me!
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
So today I wanted to take the time to acknowledge my husband and all that he is, has been and continues to be for me and my family. He may not always have the patience or understanding that I sometimes expect from him. Really who does?
In September 2012 I decided to leave my job with my hubby's support. In April 2013 I brought my son home with my hubby's support. In July 2014 we drove across Canada for my daughter's grade 12 graduation. Three months ago we decided it was time to move to a bigger place as it looked like my daughter was going to be moving back with me. Of course my daughter has decided not to move and my son is currently in a shelter... So now we are moving into a 3 bedroom town-home and it's just the 2 of us :)
Yesterday evening my son called: Are you bringing me smokes? Without even hesitating my hubby was there to drive me to my son even though he had worked all day. Today he was there to drive me to the shelter for a scheduled meeting. Just like always he is there. He may not have a very good understanding of mental illness but he is trying and he is trying very hard. No matter what it is he says to me: Barb whatever it is you know that I'm behind you 100%. Do what you gotta do... The best part of that is that I know that I can count on him to be true to that.
He may not be my son's biological father however he has been there for over two years now for my son. Yes he finds it hard. We all find it hard. BUT he is willing to try. He is willing to put himself out there emotionally and financially for me, my children and by extension my children's family. It's my husband that is there trying to understand. So much to say however I will leave it at that and just say that he is the one making it all possible.
So thank you to my hubby for being a better husband and step-dad then I could have hoped for! To quote the movie Avatar: "I see you" and I love you for all that you are willing to put up with from me and my children.
Back to my son... I had a fairly nice conversation with a taxi driver today as hubby couldn't come back to get me after the meeting which I will discuss shortly, so I took a cab home. He asked me if I was working in the town he picked me up in? I said no that I didn't work and that I was visiting my son at the shelter because he is there due to mental illness. He asked me what mental illness? I told him schizophrenia and addiction. We actually had a nice conversation about it as he himself used to work in a facility that dealt with mental illness. A very nice man and he wished me good luck when he dropped me off. I thanked him stating I could use some ;)
I did go see my son at the shelter last Saturday and meet with the lady that I had spoken to on the phone. We went over my son's medications a little bit. They don't oversee medication compliancy so my son has been missing some doses here and there. Discussed my son's level of self-care which is pretty non-existent. They may not equipped to handle the support my son seems to need. I didn't put him there... Discussed his need for drug treatment which my son still doesn't want to acknowledge. I had taken him his winter jacket and brought back his other one. He called me later that night. I'm not sure what happened but his roommate accused him of touching his stuff and threatened him. I talked to the shelter the next morning and that guy was no longer there. The person I spoke to was working when my son arrived there so he was aware of my son's case and we talked for a minute about what was going on.
I went to see my son last night and bring him some smokes. Not sure what my son is saying however they were under the impression that my son was without the proper clothing and needed assistance with that. He has winter boots and a dresser full of cloths. He only has... Yes that's because he packed himself and his goal at the time had nothing to do with what he was going to wear but with the opportunity to get high. So I packed a small suitcase this morning with his boots, another pair of jeans, long sleeved shirts and more socks and underwear. Last night he was supposed to have a shower. That didn't happen. It probably won't unless someone 'guides' him into having one.
Today I went to the shelter and meet with my son's case worker from PACT, the lady from Ready4Life and one of the shelter staff. Actually the guy I just spoke about. I wasn't sure how it was going to go with the lady from Ready4Life or how I was going to react to her... but it was fine. We discussed my son's possible housing options. We are all in agreement that he isn't capable of living on his own. He can't see that which makes it harder because they can only do what he will agree to. As far as I can tell the goal is to get him into the group home that better fits him because he can't be in the one that expects him to be out during the day.
I guess the shelter had tried to have my son agree to go to Safe Beds as they can offer more support and oversee medications however as usual for my son he declined. I explained that because my son is not stable that I think he confuses this time in the shelter with September 2014. He put up resistant to getting the right kind of help then too. He turns his back on and puts up road blocks to those trying to help him because right now his addiction is controlling him. He doesn't want support... He wants freedom. One comment he made was the he wants to snort percocets for the rest of his life. Not hard to tell where his thinking is at since he used to snort his Nana's perks.
At least this time we all seem to be on the same page and because we were all together my son didn't put up much resistance to all of us working together to help him achieve his long-term goal of having his own place. It came up about him coming home... That's not an easy question to answer. I would love to have my son come home however the reality is that once he gets it into his head that he wants to use then all of his promises of not being disrespectful or violent and doing chores etc, all go out the window.
We all tried to impress on him that this is the time that he needs to start making the right decisions. He can only stay at this shelter for 30 days. I'm ok with him coming home in between if it's needed however he still needs to participate in making choices that are going to keep him stable. He has it in his head that he doesn't have to worry about it because he will have his own place by then. Or he thinks he will be in British Columbia? Not if I have my say. I can't see him getting the same assistance as last time from the case workers here as they seem to already have a much clearer picture of how my son is acting. It wasn't even me this time that first commented that certain behaviors could be considered manipulative. Yes A++ in that skill ;).
I think the short-term goal is to get him into Safe Beds as they are much better equipped to deal with my son's issues. He did agree to have Safe Beds oversee his medications as I guess they are in the same building. It's a start. I did on several occasions speak to my son and try to get him to pay attention. I can't say I like it when people talk to him and he is obviously not paying attention to them and they keep talking... So I step in and get his attention and repeat what they had to say in words then I think will make sense to him. I asked him what he plans on doing if it comes to the point of his 30 days being up there and he doesn't have housing in place because he is not going back to BC. I had to repeat that scenario twice which is fine because that means he was listening. He seemed less resistant to Safe Beds after that and agreed to them overseeing his medications.
Whether we can get him into some sort of drug treatment is still up in the air. The lady from Ready4Life will be contacting ADAPT which is for addiction services. Maybe they can help to teach him how addiction is controlling his live. He doesn't see it as a problem. I explained to him that if his need to use is affecting his life and choices then it is a problem. Someone doesn't have to be drunk all the time or high all the time to have an addiction problem. If it changes who they are then it's a problem and my son's need/want to use changes who he is and how he acts. Also it furthers his schizophrenia which keeps him unstable.
Not sure exactly what is happening with disability. They still haven't called me back however my son says he is getting a check direct deposited next week. They did process him a drug benefits card which PACT has so they are now taking care of ordering and getting his medications.
Poor hubby... He is getting off of work, taking me to get my son smokes which is a 20 minute drive each way and then he may have to go work his second job of snow plowing.
Oh... Did you see that my blog got accepted here: Mental Health Writer's Guild. My Facebook page reached 500 likes yesterday. Ya me!
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Brick by Brick
My new Facebook page has been growing. I feel privileged for the opportunity to share my story with others. A picture/quote that came across my news-feed yesterday:
I'm not saying that anyone is throwing bricks at me however sometimes it feels that way. Yesterday was an emotional day for me. Regrettably I lost it a little bit on several people. I don't regret my feelings, not at all. I do regret acting on them. Having vented some of my frustration, I think today I am in better control and able to blog about it without being to negative... At least I hope so :).
Thursday evening my son called, stoned, stating that he was being getting kicked out of the shelter due to marijuana use. I could hear someone in the back ground talking to my son about him going to another shelter. At this point I wasn't worried about my son having a place to go as it sounded like it was being taken care of. I did call the shelter shortly after and got privacy laws quoted to me. They passed on the message to my son that I had called and he called me back. He let me know that they had agreed to let him stay. I asked him to sign a release so that I could talk to the shelter and he refused.
From my point of view based on limited information, my son was safe and it appeared he was playing at the same game as September 2014. Honestly I still think he is to a certain degree however hopefully it all won't play out the same way.
Please note: Below is a reflection of my thoughts and feelings. It is my blog after all :)
The last time that I had spoken to my son's Nana was on Tuesday and she said she would probably call me back later that day. I had asked her to not agree to my son having the option of going back to British Columbia because when this happens it gives my son the freedom to turn his back on me and the services available to him here. My son isn't looking at long-term anything. He only sees if he is getting what he wants which for him right now is the opportunity and freedom to use marijuana. Whether it's today, tomorrow or 6 months down the road. I know the mindset of an addict and suffering through anything is worth it if you know the opportunity to use again is waiting.
Wednesday night I commented to my hubby that she hadn't called... My hubby told me to call her because he felt that there was something going on behind my back again. I got mad at hubby, telling him to revisit his CBT thinking and that I believed we weren't going to go down that path again. That we were talking this time and that she had given me her word. Sometimes I should listen to my hubby ;).
In between all this I'm trying to get a hold of disability and limit the damage that I am afraid my son will do to himself if he gets what he wants. Since my son wouldn't sign a release and no one at the shelter would call me back I was under the impression that my son was being taken care of and that everything was ok. Well aside from the fact that he was in a shelter...
Yesterday I started to get an uneasy feeling since I had still not received a phone call which at this point I found really odd. I decided to call Nana myself. I can't say that the conversation went very well. Eventually I had to hang up before I completely lost it. This is when I find out that obviously my son had signed a release for the shelter to talk to his Nana. This is when I find out that she had called the shelter about them not kicking him out. Yes I am grateful for that.
Honestly I don't remember all of the conversation as some key phrases caught my attention. As I stood outside smoking, trying to keep my cool and listen... I didn't keep my cool. 'I don't want him out in the snow.' I have heard this before and the result of this thinking got my son the worst break he has ever had. I don't think I can describe the fear for my son's future that overwhelmed me. 'He can't come here now but after he....' Like I said before in my son's way of thinking he has already won the opportunity to get what he wants which is the freedom to use marijuana. A little FYI. My daughter currently lives with Nana. The thought of her being physically put in harms way makes me feel sick to my stomach. 'She won't be living here then...' For me these few words told me all that I needed to know OR was able to retain at the time.
I think what totally pushed me over the edge was being told that I was wrong in believing in 'tough love' and that everyone else was telling her that I was wrong. I couldn't get my mind around it. Who was everyone else? At this point no one knew my side of what had happened. What professionals had been consulted? I find out that the same women from Ready4Life that had previously been involved, is involved again and as far as I can tell played a very incompetent game of telling both Nana and myself that we were doing the right thing and after assuring me that she would not drop the ball... Dropped the ball.
I'm not proud of some of the things that I said. I do regret letting my feelings of hurt, fear and betrayal govern my words. I don't regret my feelings. In my eyes what happened is that my son was once again give the opportunity to turn his back on me and the kind of support that I want to provide because I believe he can be and do better. All I could see was my son being in the same situation in British Columbia that he has been in time and time again. Things may not always be smooth sailing here in Ontario however his schizophrenia and more importantly his addiction has not been given free reign to wreck havoc on his brain.
I'm still having a hard time getting my mind around this. Just like the last time I am but a phone call away. Physically I am 20 minutes away from my son. If anything about my actions are in question. Pick up the phone and call me! If my son is literally at risk of being out on the streets. Pick up the phone and call me! I thought that there had been an agreement after the last fiasco that we would pick up the phone... "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me."
I was so pissed off by the time I got of the phone. I was shaking and struggled to not cry. I came inside and I thought this is enough. The shelter needed to be set straight and any misconceptions that I was feeling they may have needed to be addressed. I called them and said: This is 'blank's' mom and I know that you can't talk to me but I KNOW that you can listen and I need to talk to someone about my son. I was put through to someone.
I am so thankful that I had enough sense to not let this go and to in a sense push myself onto the shelter. I am also thankful that the lady I spoke to was understanding of my yelling at her. Yes I yelled at her a lot. I couldn't understand how it was that I had called and left a message on Tuesday stating my son's diagnoses and for them to call me with no return phone call. Or that his Nana was able to be involved from another province yet I was being excluded. Granted it is partly due to my son's wonderful resistance to signing a release giving me access.
One of the first things I was told was that the police dropped of my son stating that I had kicked him out. I was again shocked. Yes I yelled at her: I did not kick out my son. He did this all on his own because he doesn't want to pay me room and board and wants to get high. And he got what he wanted as he did get high. Through a fair amount of yelling and even some tears I managed to, I hope, give them a bigger picture of what is going on. I think a apologized several times for yelling. She was very nice about it saying she could hear me crying...
I guess the reason they had not called me is because they had been told that I had kicked out my son. I guess it looked like I was turning my back on my son and not being supportive. I made it very clear that I have been here and that every decision that I have made has been based on the advise of professionals. Yes my son's grandmother loves my son. I have never denied that however when that love keeps my from learning to manage his own illness and addiction or accept responsibility for his actions then yes I have an issue.
My son needs support. I am in complete agreement. They were not aware that my son was a part of The PACT Team and that through this team he has access to a psychiatrist, nurse, case worker and peer support. Yes they are understaffed at the moment which complicates things however my son has refused to participate actively in his own treatment. Why should he? Every time things get tough he gets to run away instead of learning to help himself.
My son needs anger management and treatment. Again I'm in complete agreement. I have known for 2 years now that my son needs anger management. I can only work with the services that I am aware of and PACT does not offer anger management. He needs drug rehab and treatment. I have looked into those too. My son refuses. So unless he is in a situation like he is currently in, my hands get tied as to what I can do. Unless I get power of attorney I can't force my son to take these steps. Instead I get to try my best to but things back to together, to have them torn apart again and again.
Because of my phone call and resulting 'temper tantrum' the lady had my son sign releases for me and the PACT team! *big sigh of relief* I am no longer on the outside of this situation. *fingers crossed* he may even get transferred into a treatment facility where he should have gone years ago. There was also talk of other services that I was unaware of. Like I said I'm so glad I made that call. In the beginning I could hear/feel the walls that were up regarding me. I do believe I tore them down. At least I really hope so because my goal here is NOT to increase my son's suffering but to increase his chances of having a future.
I texted him last night letting him know that I love him. He replied that he loved me to. Brick by brick I will rebuild...
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
I'm not saying that anyone is throwing bricks at me however sometimes it feels that way. Yesterday was an emotional day for me. Regrettably I lost it a little bit on several people. I don't regret my feelings, not at all. I do regret acting on them. Having vented some of my frustration, I think today I am in better control and able to blog about it without being to negative... At least I hope so :).
Thursday evening my son called, stoned, stating that he was being getting kicked out of the shelter due to marijuana use. I could hear someone in the back ground talking to my son about him going to another shelter. At this point I wasn't worried about my son having a place to go as it sounded like it was being taken care of. I did call the shelter shortly after and got privacy laws quoted to me. They passed on the message to my son that I had called and he called me back. He let me know that they had agreed to let him stay. I asked him to sign a release so that I could talk to the shelter and he refused.
From my point of view based on limited information, my son was safe and it appeared he was playing at the same game as September 2014. Honestly I still think he is to a certain degree however hopefully it all won't play out the same way.
Please note: Below is a reflection of my thoughts and feelings. It is my blog after all :)
The last time that I had spoken to my son's Nana was on Tuesday and she said she would probably call me back later that day. I had asked her to not agree to my son having the option of going back to British Columbia because when this happens it gives my son the freedom to turn his back on me and the services available to him here. My son isn't looking at long-term anything. He only sees if he is getting what he wants which for him right now is the opportunity and freedom to use marijuana. Whether it's today, tomorrow or 6 months down the road. I know the mindset of an addict and suffering through anything is worth it if you know the opportunity to use again is waiting.
Wednesday night I commented to my hubby that she hadn't called... My hubby told me to call her because he felt that there was something going on behind my back again. I got mad at hubby, telling him to revisit his CBT thinking and that I believed we weren't going to go down that path again. That we were talking this time and that she had given me her word. Sometimes I should listen to my hubby ;).
In between all this I'm trying to get a hold of disability and limit the damage that I am afraid my son will do to himself if he gets what he wants. Since my son wouldn't sign a release and no one at the shelter would call me back I was under the impression that my son was being taken care of and that everything was ok. Well aside from the fact that he was in a shelter...
Yesterday I started to get an uneasy feeling since I had still not received a phone call which at this point I found really odd. I decided to call Nana myself. I can't say that the conversation went very well. Eventually I had to hang up before I completely lost it. This is when I find out that obviously my son had signed a release for the shelter to talk to his Nana. This is when I find out that she had called the shelter about them not kicking him out. Yes I am grateful for that.
Honestly I don't remember all of the conversation as some key phrases caught my attention. As I stood outside smoking, trying to keep my cool and listen... I didn't keep my cool. 'I don't want him out in the snow.' I have heard this before and the result of this thinking got my son the worst break he has ever had. I don't think I can describe the fear for my son's future that overwhelmed me. 'He can't come here now but after he....' Like I said before in my son's way of thinking he has already won the opportunity to get what he wants which is the freedom to use marijuana. A little FYI. My daughter currently lives with Nana. The thought of her being physically put in harms way makes me feel sick to my stomach. 'She won't be living here then...' For me these few words told me all that I needed to know OR was able to retain at the time.
I think what totally pushed me over the edge was being told that I was wrong in believing in 'tough love' and that everyone else was telling her that I was wrong. I couldn't get my mind around it. Who was everyone else? At this point no one knew my side of what had happened. What professionals had been consulted? I find out that the same women from Ready4Life that had previously been involved, is involved again and as far as I can tell played a very incompetent game of telling both Nana and myself that we were doing the right thing and after assuring me that she would not drop the ball... Dropped the ball.
I'm not proud of some of the things that I said. I do regret letting my feelings of hurt, fear and betrayal govern my words. I don't regret my feelings. In my eyes what happened is that my son was once again give the opportunity to turn his back on me and the kind of support that I want to provide because I believe he can be and do better. All I could see was my son being in the same situation in British Columbia that he has been in time and time again. Things may not always be smooth sailing here in Ontario however his schizophrenia and more importantly his addiction has not been given free reign to wreck havoc on his brain.
I'm still having a hard time getting my mind around this. Just like the last time I am but a phone call away. Physically I am 20 minutes away from my son. If anything about my actions are in question. Pick up the phone and call me! If my son is literally at risk of being out on the streets. Pick up the phone and call me! I thought that there had been an agreement after the last fiasco that we would pick up the phone... "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me."
I was so pissed off by the time I got of the phone. I was shaking and struggled to not cry. I came inside and I thought this is enough. The shelter needed to be set straight and any misconceptions that I was feeling they may have needed to be addressed. I called them and said: This is 'blank's' mom and I know that you can't talk to me but I KNOW that you can listen and I need to talk to someone about my son. I was put through to someone.
I am so thankful that I had enough sense to not let this go and to in a sense push myself onto the shelter. I am also thankful that the lady I spoke to was understanding of my yelling at her. Yes I yelled at her a lot. I couldn't understand how it was that I had called and left a message on Tuesday stating my son's diagnoses and for them to call me with no return phone call. Or that his Nana was able to be involved from another province yet I was being excluded. Granted it is partly due to my son's wonderful resistance to signing a release giving me access.
One of the first things I was told was that the police dropped of my son stating that I had kicked him out. I was again shocked. Yes I yelled at her: I did not kick out my son. He did this all on his own because he doesn't want to pay me room and board and wants to get high. And he got what he wanted as he did get high. Through a fair amount of yelling and even some tears I managed to, I hope, give them a bigger picture of what is going on. I think a apologized several times for yelling. She was very nice about it saying she could hear me crying...
I guess the reason they had not called me is because they had been told that I had kicked out my son. I guess it looked like I was turning my back on my son and not being supportive. I made it very clear that I have been here and that every decision that I have made has been based on the advise of professionals. Yes my son's grandmother loves my son. I have never denied that however when that love keeps my from learning to manage his own illness and addiction or accept responsibility for his actions then yes I have an issue.
My son needs support. I am in complete agreement. They were not aware that my son was a part of The PACT Team and that through this team he has access to a psychiatrist, nurse, case worker and peer support. Yes they are understaffed at the moment which complicates things however my son has refused to participate actively in his own treatment. Why should he? Every time things get tough he gets to run away instead of learning to help himself.
My son needs anger management and treatment. Again I'm in complete agreement. I have known for 2 years now that my son needs anger management. I can only work with the services that I am aware of and PACT does not offer anger management. He needs drug rehab and treatment. I have looked into those too. My son refuses. So unless he is in a situation like he is currently in, my hands get tied as to what I can do. Unless I get power of attorney I can't force my son to take these steps. Instead I get to try my best to but things back to together, to have them torn apart again and again.
Because of my phone call and resulting 'temper tantrum' the lady had my son sign releases for me and the PACT team! *big sigh of relief* I am no longer on the outside of this situation. *fingers crossed* he may even get transferred into a treatment facility where he should have gone years ago. There was also talk of other services that I was unaware of. Like I said I'm so glad I made that call. In the beginning I could hear/feel the walls that were up regarding me. I do believe I tore them down. At least I really hope so because my goal here is NOT to increase my son's suffering but to increase his chances of having a future.
I texted him last night letting him know that I love him. He replied that he loved me to. Brick by brick I will rebuild...
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Support & Facebook Page
Yesterday hubby and I did go for dinner together. I'm glad that we did. Sometimes it feels really good to get out and spend some one on one time with my hubby that isn't centered around grocery shopping, doctor's appointments or errands. Around 7 PM my son asks: Are you making dinner? No...
His case worker was here today and discussed with him what support meant. Asked him when the last time was that he went grocery shopping by himself? Never. Does he know how to grocery shop or what to look for? He knows what he likes to eat. Does he have any bills that he pays? No. Does he cook meals? No. Does he know how to use public transit? Yes (if there is drugs or alcohol involved lol). Does he do his own laundry? Yes (still not done from two weeks ago). Does he shower regularly? When it gets bad enough (when I insist). Does he know what medications he is taking or prescribed? Yes Invega (and Olanzapine). Does he know the doses? No. Does he take them on his own? Yes (I remind him sometimes/usually).
His case worker had him call and leave a message with the lady from housing support stating that he now understands what support means and that he is willing to accept it. I stayed out of the conversation as much as I could so that I didn't trigger any defiance in him. :)
Yesterday I was informed that his psychiatrist had discontinued his Trazodone prescription. Today I asked his case worker why because even though me may not take it often, sometimes it is needed and it's a PRN anyways... Apparently his nurse had advised his psychiatrist that he wasn't taking it so that is why. Good logic! If he stops taking his Invega would they stop prescribing that too?! Geesh! His case worker said she would let them know that he does take it sometimes.
You may want to hold onto something... My son just did the dishes! I think I'm smiling like an idiot, on the inside anyways. As much as I would like to make a big deal of this I know that it's not a good idea. Sometimes it can be taken as belittling or condescending and with my son it usually gives him the ok to not do anything else... I did say a very nice thank you! Think I'm going to go outside for a cigarette so I can smile like an idiot for a minute! Be right back...
Remember the calendars that I said I was going to print yesterday? Well I printed some for this month and next month. I noted what days he is supposed to cook, do dishes and clean the toilet. Today is the day for dishes. Of course he isn't looking at them on his own. Baby steps right? I pointed out to him that today is dishes day. No movement to do them... A little while later I reminded him again. He asked what was for dinner and if it could be the salmon I took out yesterday. I did buy it because he said he likes salmon. I told him we were having salmon but I wasn't going to start dinner until he did the dishes and that it would be better for him to do them before I made more dirty. If he didn't do the dishes then I wouldn't cook dinner and I would go out instead. He said this wasn't fair. I asked if he had any money? No. When he does then we will discuss fair.
Shortly after he got up to do the dishes asking for help as he had no idea how. I helped him get started and he did them! Soap suds galore! :) I'm also making honey roasted carrots for dinner since he really likes them too! Wish me luck on the salmon as I think this is my first attempt at making it.
I decided to start a Facebook page. I sometimes feel like I may be over posting mental health posts on my normal news feed. I started one before but I never gave it much of a chance. With this page I can post to my hearts content! Also I can't post news articles etc here so I feel like I'm missing out on passing on information that someone may find useful.
If you are interested then this is the page: Facebook Page: Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey
I was thinking about reminding my son, again, about his laundry but I think I will leave that until tomorrow. He is playing games etc today for the first time in probably over a week.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
His case worker was here today and discussed with him what support meant. Asked him when the last time was that he went grocery shopping by himself? Never. Does he know how to grocery shop or what to look for? He knows what he likes to eat. Does he have any bills that he pays? No. Does he cook meals? No. Does he know how to use public transit? Yes (if there is drugs or alcohol involved lol). Does he do his own laundry? Yes (still not done from two weeks ago). Does he shower regularly? When it gets bad enough (when I insist). Does he know what medications he is taking or prescribed? Yes Invega (and Olanzapine). Does he know the doses? No. Does he take them on his own? Yes (I remind him sometimes/usually).
His case worker had him call and leave a message with the lady from housing support stating that he now understands what support means and that he is willing to accept it. I stayed out of the conversation as much as I could so that I didn't trigger any defiance in him. :)
Yesterday I was informed that his psychiatrist had discontinued his Trazodone prescription. Today I asked his case worker why because even though me may not take it often, sometimes it is needed and it's a PRN anyways... Apparently his nurse had advised his psychiatrist that he wasn't taking it so that is why. Good logic! If he stops taking his Invega would they stop prescribing that too?! Geesh! His case worker said she would let them know that he does take it sometimes.
You may want to hold onto something... My son just did the dishes! I think I'm smiling like an idiot, on the inside anyways. As much as I would like to make a big deal of this I know that it's not a good idea. Sometimes it can be taken as belittling or condescending and with my son it usually gives him the ok to not do anything else... I did say a very nice thank you! Think I'm going to go outside for a cigarette so I can smile like an idiot for a minute! Be right back...
Remember the calendars that I said I was going to print yesterday? Well I printed some for this month and next month. I noted what days he is supposed to cook, do dishes and clean the toilet. Today is the day for dishes. Of course he isn't looking at them on his own. Baby steps right? I pointed out to him that today is dishes day. No movement to do them... A little while later I reminded him again. He asked what was for dinner and if it could be the salmon I took out yesterday. I did buy it because he said he likes salmon. I told him we were having salmon but I wasn't going to start dinner until he did the dishes and that it would be better for him to do them before I made more dirty. If he didn't do the dishes then I wouldn't cook dinner and I would go out instead. He said this wasn't fair. I asked if he had any money? No. When he does then we will discuss fair.
Shortly after he got up to do the dishes asking for help as he had no idea how. I helped him get started and he did them! Soap suds galore! :) I'm also making honey roasted carrots for dinner since he really likes them too! Wish me luck on the salmon as I think this is my first attempt at making it.
I decided to start a Facebook page. I sometimes feel like I may be over posting mental health posts on my normal news feed. I started one before but I never gave it much of a chance. With this page I can post to my hearts content! Also I can't post news articles etc here so I feel like I'm missing out on passing on information that someone may find useful.
If you are interested then this is the page: Facebook Page: Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey
I was thinking about reminding my son, again, about his laundry but I think I will leave that until tomorrow. He is playing games etc today for the first time in probably over a week.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
What's my issue?
Apparently it's reality...
My son received his phone call this morning from the housing lady. It's housing for those who need mental and physical support or help. According to my son he requires no help - just a place to live. Oh and help cooking...
Based on this phone conversation the lady called his case worker at PACT and let her know that they will not be putting him on any wait-lists due to what he had to say during the phone interview. I was asked if he knew what support meant? I replied: I guess not...
I tried to discuss this with my son. Tried... and failed.
I pointed out that he doesn't know how to cook, clean, pay bills, grocery shop or even take care of his personal hygiene. He doesn't brush his teeth unless I tell him too. He goes way to long in between showers. He has needed to do laundry for two weeks. BUT he doesn't need support?! I didn't even mention schizophrenia and/or medication management. How can they possibly help him if he won't acknowledge that he needs the support/help that they are there for? They can't. They can't be responsible for putting him into an environment that he can't handle or won't ask for the help and assistance to handle it.
Somehow he got it into his head that he would be getting housing. Which apparently isn't true. So the lady from housing lied to his case worker who is lying to me? My son: Yes, my case worker is lying.
Is my son being delusional? I think he is very much in denial, by choice. Plus he is used to no one calling him out on his lies and manipulations. I'm the only one that appears to do so.
I'm well aware what is motivating his want to even move out. Perhaps that had a part to play as well. I heard him tell the lady on the phone that he doesn't like the rules here of no drugs and alcohol and that he wants to be able to bring home a bottle of wine every now and then. To the trained ear that said a lot. He doesn't care about paying bills or grocery shopping. He cares about having the freedom to get drunk and/or high when he wants.
I'm pretty sure in his eyes he doesn't even have to worry because once he spends all of his money on alcohol and marijuana he will just pick of his cell phone (that I'm paying for) and start calling his Dad and Nana or even his sister (she's working now!) and start asking for money. That's the only time he calls anyone is when he wants something.
Yes I have an issue... I don't know what to do now. I believe my son needs a reality check. He needs to face reality. He needs to acknowledge his own limitations and what his real goals and motivations are.
Where does this leave us? I don't know...
I think tonight hubby and I are going to go out for dinner. Forget thinking about it. We are! There is lots of things here to eat and honestly he can fend for himself for change. He should be happy I'm not doing what I was thinking about doing and making him get his own internet. Wait he can't... He has no income! What is he currently doing with what little money he does have? Buying and scratching scratch tickets. Hoping to win big I'm guessing ;)
He did win a little and went to get more. I didn't respond when he asked: Mom. Can you scratch them for me? His tone was very... whinny, childlike and manipulative. What's up with that?
I do have to print some blank calendars. I have been meaning to do that since my son blames me for him not doing the three chores a week that he agreed to do. I'm not reminding him and I should put in on a calendar for him. Ok, done!
ADHD Tip: How to Organize Your Family and Household
His case worker is coming by tomorrow morning. Maybe she will have more luck talking some sense into him.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
My son received his phone call this morning from the housing lady. It's housing for those who need mental and physical support or help. According to my son he requires no help - just a place to live. Oh and help cooking...
Based on this phone conversation the lady called his case worker at PACT and let her know that they will not be putting him on any wait-lists due to what he had to say during the phone interview. I was asked if he knew what support meant? I replied: I guess not...
I tried to discuss this with my son. Tried... and failed.
I pointed out that he doesn't know how to cook, clean, pay bills, grocery shop or even take care of his personal hygiene. He doesn't brush his teeth unless I tell him too. He goes way to long in between showers. He has needed to do laundry for two weeks. BUT he doesn't need support?! I didn't even mention schizophrenia and/or medication management. How can they possibly help him if he won't acknowledge that he needs the support/help that they are there for? They can't. They can't be responsible for putting him into an environment that he can't handle or won't ask for the help and assistance to handle it.
Somehow he got it into his head that he would be getting housing. Which apparently isn't true. So the lady from housing lied to his case worker who is lying to me? My son: Yes, my case worker is lying.
Is my son being delusional? I think he is very much in denial, by choice. Plus he is used to no one calling him out on his lies and manipulations. I'm the only one that appears to do so.
I'm well aware what is motivating his want to even move out. Perhaps that had a part to play as well. I heard him tell the lady on the phone that he doesn't like the rules here of no drugs and alcohol and that he wants to be able to bring home a bottle of wine every now and then. To the trained ear that said a lot. He doesn't care about paying bills or grocery shopping. He cares about having the freedom to get drunk and/or high when he wants.
I'm pretty sure in his eyes he doesn't even have to worry because once he spends all of his money on alcohol and marijuana he will just pick of his cell phone (that I'm paying for) and start calling his Dad and Nana or even his sister (she's working now!) and start asking for money. That's the only time he calls anyone is when he wants something.
Yes I have an issue... I don't know what to do now. I believe my son needs a reality check. He needs to face reality. He needs to acknowledge his own limitations and what his real goals and motivations are.
I think tonight hubby and I are going to go out for dinner. Forget thinking about it. We are! There is lots of things here to eat and honestly he can fend for himself for change. He should be happy I'm not doing what I was thinking about doing and making him get his own internet. Wait he can't... He has no income! What is he currently doing with what little money he does have? Buying and scratching scratch tickets. Hoping to win big I'm guessing ;)
He did win a little and went to get more. I didn't respond when he asked: Mom. Can you scratch them for me? His tone was very... whinny, childlike and manipulative. What's up with that?
I do have to print some blank calendars. I have been meaning to do that since my son blames me for him not doing the three chores a week that he agreed to do. I'm not reminding him and I should put in on a calendar for him. Ok, done!
ADHD Tip: How to Organize Your Family and Household
His case worker is coming by tomorrow morning. Maybe she will have more luck talking some sense into him.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Hospitals - Good or Bad, Pat Deegan PhD
If you read my last post... I guess I jinxed it! My son has started saying no taking a multi-vitamin. So much for knocking on wood ;) I will keep trying of course!
His case worker was here this morning with some paper work to sign. One was giving them access to help take care of his medications for him by switching pharmacies to the one they use. That way they can be more on top of them and deliver them to him.
She also had paperwork for some group homes and other types of housing. I knew this was coming and I've been somewhat at war with myself on which way to go. I certainly don't want my son and I butting heads as we have in the past and I do believe that he needs to eventually make this step however I decided that for right now, he is not ready. The group home will have expectations that I don't think he can meet right now. The better one will expect him to participate in activities outside of the home during the day which will be great when he reaches the point of being able to go to school or work but right now it will be too much for him. Other housing types involve shared living which I'm sure my son would think is great until it comes time for him to do his share of the chores etc ;) Again something that needs to happen but not while he is still getting his feet back under him. I let him know that for now we are putting this on hold and he was in agreement.
He asked me something either last night or the night before about going to the hospital. First he said he wanted to go for a check up and I let him know that I could arrange this with the family doctor if he feels that he needs one and he said yes. I haven't arranged it as upon further discussion this is not what he meant. He wanted to go and just be there for a couple of days to rest. It's sad that our health care system is so overburdened that the opportunity for someone to check themselves 'for a rest' is not really an option. I reminded him that it doesn't work that way and that he usually ends up in emergency for days until a bed opens up which is not where he wants to be. If that option was available though I would have gladly taken him. I'm actually happy that he considers this to be an option. I remember him telling me after his hospitalization here in September 2013 that he would like to come back and 'visit for a rest' sometime. I don't know what his future holds however hospitals are probably going to be a part of the rest of his life and he needs to feel like they are a safe place to go when needed.
This question got me thinking. I know that on the outside looking in that the conditions one finds oneself while inpatient is not usually ideal. You aren't checking into a 5 star hotel. It's more like a bottom of the line fast food chain... However when you are hungry and it is taking care of your needs then even a fast food chain has it's purposes. Sometimes the good out-ways the bad. I remember when my daughter was in the hospital for back surgery... For days she went through agony because the nursing staff seriously didn't have a clue. Certainly not ideal however it was still the best place for her. Like I said this question got me thinking. There is a lady named Patricia Deegan who has a PhD in psychology and is a researcher. She is also diagnosed with schizophrenia. While watching one of her videos she said something that stuck with me. It was along the lines of not just taking medications or just going to the hospital but using medications and using the hospital. I don't know why but this spoke volumes to me of taking an active, not passive approach to treatment. Of using what is available to ones benefit. Granted my son is far from this, yet, however the hospital needs to feel like a safe place for him and I'm glad that it does.
Some links for Patricia Deegan PhD.
Pat Deegan
Patricia Deegan's amazing story (video)
Mom
BarbieBF
His case worker was here this morning with some paper work to sign. One was giving them access to help take care of his medications for him by switching pharmacies to the one they use. That way they can be more on top of them and deliver them to him.
She also had paperwork for some group homes and other types of housing. I knew this was coming and I've been somewhat at war with myself on which way to go. I certainly don't want my son and I butting heads as we have in the past and I do believe that he needs to eventually make this step however I decided that for right now, he is not ready. The group home will have expectations that I don't think he can meet right now. The better one will expect him to participate in activities outside of the home during the day which will be great when he reaches the point of being able to go to school or work but right now it will be too much for him. Other housing types involve shared living which I'm sure my son would think is great until it comes time for him to do his share of the chores etc ;) Again something that needs to happen but not while he is still getting his feet back under him. I let him know that for now we are putting this on hold and he was in agreement.
He asked me something either last night or the night before about going to the hospital. First he said he wanted to go for a check up and I let him know that I could arrange this with the family doctor if he feels that he needs one and he said yes. I haven't arranged it as upon further discussion this is not what he meant. He wanted to go and just be there for a couple of days to rest. It's sad that our health care system is so overburdened that the opportunity for someone to check themselves 'for a rest' is not really an option. I reminded him that it doesn't work that way and that he usually ends up in emergency for days until a bed opens up which is not where he wants to be. If that option was available though I would have gladly taken him. I'm actually happy that he considers this to be an option. I remember him telling me after his hospitalization here in September 2013 that he would like to come back and 'visit for a rest' sometime. I don't know what his future holds however hospitals are probably going to be a part of the rest of his life and he needs to feel like they are a safe place to go when needed.
This question got me thinking. I know that on the outside looking in that the conditions one finds oneself while inpatient is not usually ideal. You aren't checking into a 5 star hotel. It's more like a bottom of the line fast food chain... However when you are hungry and it is taking care of your needs then even a fast food chain has it's purposes. Sometimes the good out-ways the bad. I remember when my daughter was in the hospital for back surgery... For days she went through agony because the nursing staff seriously didn't have a clue. Certainly not ideal however it was still the best place for her. Like I said this question got me thinking. There is a lady named Patricia Deegan who has a PhD in psychology and is a researcher. She is also diagnosed with schizophrenia. While watching one of her videos she said something that stuck with me. It was along the lines of not just taking medications or just going to the hospital but using medications and using the hospital. I don't know why but this spoke volumes to me of taking an active, not passive approach to treatment. Of using what is available to ones benefit. Granted my son is far from this, yet, however the hospital needs to feel like a safe place for him and I'm glad that it does.
Some links for Patricia Deegan PhD.
Pat Deegan
Patricia Deegan's amazing story (video)
Mom
BarbieBF
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Salvia and psychiatrist's visit
We have had our run in with Salvia and Wild Dagga in the past when my son first came to live with me April 2013. It seems we were destined to have another run in with it yesterday.
DrugFacts: Salvia
I wrote about it in my first chapter here: http://schizophreniamomsjourney.blogspot.ca/p/1-my-big-boy-is-home.html
It produces hallucinogenic experiences that mimic psychosis. I had forgotten this and my son had already talked about wanting to get some on the plane ride home. I just told him not in the home so of course off he went to the corner store and came home with it and a pipe. I looked it up again and informed that it was a no go and why. He didn't argue and said ok to throwing it out and didn't put up a fight about me throwing out the pipe as well stating whatever didn't cause an argument between us. I would have to say I'm really liking the Invega :)
I'm not sure how much of what happened between us before he was taken to the shelter is playing a role here however he is still wanting to be out on his own. I think he still wants to do what he wants when he wants however without the attitude and since he can't do that here I think it is motivating him to want his own place. The reality is that him wanting his own place right now is not a good thing. He is not capable of taking care of himself. We are in agreement that a group home will help to teach him the necessary skills to take care of himself. He will always have people to talk to and will never be alone. He will be a part of that community and the things that they do. I assured him that this happening does not stop me from being mom that he will never lose this. I will always be a part of his life no matter where he is.
I did take a peak at some notes on the laptop yesterday... There is one dated July 30 stating not to worry that he would soon be moving to a place where he could live in peace. Kind of telling that perhaps the whole scenario was partially orchestrated by him to get what he wanted. Him telling me that he wanted me to kick him out because he didn't want to be here seems to support this. He had a goal in mind and he made sure it happened. I guess I will have to have my own guards up to make sure I don't get pulled into this type of thinking again since my son is very good at knowing what buttons to push.
My son seems to be doing much better. Yesterday there was no obvious signs of voices. No laughing for no reason. He went to the corner store by himself and he also biked to Walmart by himself to get a new PS4 game. He also came back with a speaker. Oh joy! Definitely have to get him out to buy enough cigarettes to last him awhile before his money is all gone as I gave him his bank card yesterday, letting him know that that money may have to last him 3 months since I still don't know the status of his disability file here.
When he got up yesterday the first thing he did was to walk out and pat me on the head. He does this sometimes and I think it's his way of showing me affection. He set his PS4 up in the living room and I let him know that is fine however in the evenings when my husband is home then he can't have control over the living room TV. He had trouble getting the PS4 screen to fit the TV screen so I looked it up and fixed it. He commented how I seem to be able to fix these things when he can't just like I have in the past for him. Hubby commented along the lines that I'm more then a pretty face. Yup I'm all that! ;) It felt good to have this banter happening with my son.
I made fish, rice and vegetables for dinner since I know my son likes rice and the fish is good for his brain, especially right now. He ate all of his rice and vegetables and over half of his fish. I was impressed! He even took 2 Omega 3-6-9 supplements and a multivitamin. We had discussed the Omega 3 on the plane as being part his 'very healthy life' note. While there doesn't seem to be conclusive evidence that Omega 3 helps or prevents schizophrenia there are still a lot of studies and testimonials showing that it can help with symptoms.
Omega 3 fish oils tested as preventative approach to schizophrenia with positive results
I'm really hoping that I can get him started on some healthy routines and habits now so that as he gains stability there will be less resistance to following through on them.
We discussed an appropriate bedtime. I wanted 11 however he asked for somewhere between 12:15 and 12:45 and I agreed. My son is pretty consistent in not following through or following rules... He was still up at 3 so I shooed him off to bed. Of course there was the usual me getting up to ask him to turn things down as it was keeping me awake. I'm guessing my insomnia is going to love this! As I was finally getting it under control...
His psychiatrist was here this morning. He will be doing a prescription for Trazodone that my son can take as needed. He suggested other ones like Seroquel which is a sedating antipsychotic however I said no as I know my son didn't like it the last time he was put him on it. I suggested the Trazodone as I know that he never had a problem with taking it other then not wanting to take 200 mg. He didn't mind taking 100 mg when he did take it. He agreed when the psychiatrist asked him about it. I asked the psychiatrist about his Gabapentin/Neurontin since I still have them and he said it's probably best to limit the number of medications he is taking for now. I have always appreciated the approach of his psychiatrists here to not have him on more medications than is necessary. I was worried that the amount of his Invega shot may not be high enough however he is doing better now so hopefully we can keep it at 75 mg. It appears that a Community Treatment Order is a no go for now. Even though he was inpatient for over 30 days in British Columbia, he has not been inpatient for over 30 days here in Ontario so he doesn't meet the criteria here. He has to have been inpatient for 30 days within the last 3 years here in Ontario or a previous CTO in Ontario, which hasn't happened.
Community Treatment Orders - Ontario
He wanted to call his friend to go see him however I let him know that I am saying no to that happening right now as he is unable to say no to drugs and alcohol on his own so for now I get to be the bad one and say no for him. He wanted to know why it's such a bad thing so I asked him how many breaks would he like to have? And explained that each break causes brain damage so how much damage does he want to do? If he wants to become retarded (sorry if that offends anyone) then keep going... He can't remember how to sign into online banking or how to use his visa bank card and I explained that's because his last break seems to have caused some damage. He seems fairly accepting of letting me think for him right now however I'm not sure how long that is going to last. He also seems agreeable to participating more with PACT and their group programs as I told him that that is another area that he can become a part of that community. This came up when he asked me for ideas on how to fill in his morning routines. He actually just talked to his case worker as he asked about having someone to talk to do about his personal problems so I suggested he talk to PACT. I'm hoping to further his bound with them so that he knows that they are always there to help him and support him. She is coming to see him tomorrow and they may be going for coffee!
PACT is trying to get his Trazodone prescription done and have it delivered to us by the pharmacy. Sometimes I get a little tired of having to explain how thing work to people :) I asked who was going to pay for it? The pharmacy should have his last ODSP (disability) card... Yes and they get a new card every month so the one sent out for September will not cover November. *sigh* They haven't been able to get a hold of ODSP either. We were given a number to call for medical coverage outside of ODSP and they should be calling us back tomorrow as his file was marked as urgent. *fingers crossed* they approve him. I wish I had known about this the last time as I might not have had to pay for his medications for 3 months. Oh well... Live and learn right? His case worker may even go to ODSP in person tomorrow if they can't get anywhere. I told her it's really nice to have someone do something for me for a change!
Hubby is on his way home from work and it's off to get cigarettes... Knowing my son he will also get some chewing tobacco. Yes ewww... Although he said it's better then satisfying his other addictions which I have to agree :)
Mom
BarbieBF
DrugFacts: Salvia
I wrote about it in my first chapter here: http://schizophreniamomsjourney.blogspot.ca/p/1-my-big-boy-is-home.html
It produces hallucinogenic experiences that mimic psychosis. I had forgotten this and my son had already talked about wanting to get some on the plane ride home. I just told him not in the home so of course off he went to the corner store and came home with it and a pipe. I looked it up again and informed that it was a no go and why. He didn't argue and said ok to throwing it out and didn't put up a fight about me throwing out the pipe as well stating whatever didn't cause an argument between us. I would have to say I'm really liking the Invega :)
I'm not sure how much of what happened between us before he was taken to the shelter is playing a role here however he is still wanting to be out on his own. I think he still wants to do what he wants when he wants however without the attitude and since he can't do that here I think it is motivating him to want his own place. The reality is that him wanting his own place right now is not a good thing. He is not capable of taking care of himself. We are in agreement that a group home will help to teach him the necessary skills to take care of himself. He will always have people to talk to and will never be alone. He will be a part of that community and the things that they do. I assured him that this happening does not stop me from being mom that he will never lose this. I will always be a part of his life no matter where he is.
I did take a peak at some notes on the laptop yesterday... There is one dated July 30 stating not to worry that he would soon be moving to a place where he could live in peace. Kind of telling that perhaps the whole scenario was partially orchestrated by him to get what he wanted. Him telling me that he wanted me to kick him out because he didn't want to be here seems to support this. He had a goal in mind and he made sure it happened. I guess I will have to have my own guards up to make sure I don't get pulled into this type of thinking again since my son is very good at knowing what buttons to push.
My son seems to be doing much better. Yesterday there was no obvious signs of voices. No laughing for no reason. He went to the corner store by himself and he also biked to Walmart by himself to get a new PS4 game. He also came back with a speaker. Oh joy! Definitely have to get him out to buy enough cigarettes to last him awhile before his money is all gone as I gave him his bank card yesterday, letting him know that that money may have to last him 3 months since I still don't know the status of his disability file here.
When he got up yesterday the first thing he did was to walk out and pat me on the head. He does this sometimes and I think it's his way of showing me affection. He set his PS4 up in the living room and I let him know that is fine however in the evenings when my husband is home then he can't have control over the living room TV. He had trouble getting the PS4 screen to fit the TV screen so I looked it up and fixed it. He commented how I seem to be able to fix these things when he can't just like I have in the past for him. Hubby commented along the lines that I'm more then a pretty face. Yup I'm all that! ;) It felt good to have this banter happening with my son.
I made fish, rice and vegetables for dinner since I know my son likes rice and the fish is good for his brain, especially right now. He ate all of his rice and vegetables and over half of his fish. I was impressed! He even took 2 Omega 3-6-9 supplements and a multivitamin. We had discussed the Omega 3 on the plane as being part his 'very healthy life' note. While there doesn't seem to be conclusive evidence that Omega 3 helps or prevents schizophrenia there are still a lot of studies and testimonials showing that it can help with symptoms.
Omega 3 fish oils tested as preventative approach to schizophrenia with positive results
I'm really hoping that I can get him started on some healthy routines and habits now so that as he gains stability there will be less resistance to following through on them.
We discussed an appropriate bedtime. I wanted 11 however he asked for somewhere between 12:15 and 12:45 and I agreed. My son is pretty consistent in not following through or following rules... He was still up at 3 so I shooed him off to bed. Of course there was the usual me getting up to ask him to turn things down as it was keeping me awake. I'm guessing my insomnia is going to love this! As I was finally getting it under control...
His psychiatrist was here this morning. He will be doing a prescription for Trazodone that my son can take as needed. He suggested other ones like Seroquel which is a sedating antipsychotic however I said no as I know my son didn't like it the last time he was put him on it. I suggested the Trazodone as I know that he never had a problem with taking it other then not wanting to take 200 mg. He didn't mind taking 100 mg when he did take it. He agreed when the psychiatrist asked him about it. I asked the psychiatrist about his Gabapentin/Neurontin since I still have them and he said it's probably best to limit the number of medications he is taking for now. I have always appreciated the approach of his psychiatrists here to not have him on more medications than is necessary. I was worried that the amount of his Invega shot may not be high enough however he is doing better now so hopefully we can keep it at 75 mg. It appears that a Community Treatment Order is a no go for now. Even though he was inpatient for over 30 days in British Columbia, he has not been inpatient for over 30 days here in Ontario so he doesn't meet the criteria here. He has to have been inpatient for 30 days within the last 3 years here in Ontario or a previous CTO in Ontario, which hasn't happened.
Community Treatment Orders - Ontario
He wanted to call his friend to go see him however I let him know that I am saying no to that happening right now as he is unable to say no to drugs and alcohol on his own so for now I get to be the bad one and say no for him. He wanted to know why it's such a bad thing so I asked him how many breaks would he like to have? And explained that each break causes brain damage so how much damage does he want to do? If he wants to become retarded (sorry if that offends anyone) then keep going... He can't remember how to sign into online banking or how to use his visa bank card and I explained that's because his last break seems to have caused some damage. He seems fairly accepting of letting me think for him right now however I'm not sure how long that is going to last. He also seems agreeable to participating more with PACT and their group programs as I told him that that is another area that he can become a part of that community. This came up when he asked me for ideas on how to fill in his morning routines. He actually just talked to his case worker as he asked about having someone to talk to do about his personal problems so I suggested he talk to PACT. I'm hoping to further his bound with them so that he knows that they are always there to help him and support him. She is coming to see him tomorrow and they may be going for coffee!
PACT is trying to get his Trazodone prescription done and have it delivered to us by the pharmacy. Sometimes I get a little tired of having to explain how thing work to people :) I asked who was going to pay for it? The pharmacy should have his last ODSP (disability) card... Yes and they get a new card every month so the one sent out for September will not cover November. *sigh* They haven't been able to get a hold of ODSP either. We were given a number to call for medical coverage outside of ODSP and they should be calling us back tomorrow as his file was marked as urgent. *fingers crossed* they approve him. I wish I had known about this the last time as I might not have had to pay for his medications for 3 months. Oh well... Live and learn right? His case worker may even go to ODSP in person tomorrow if they can't get anywhere. I told her it's really nice to have someone do something for me for a change!
Hubby is on his way home from work and it's off to get cigarettes... Knowing my son he will also get some chewing tobacco. Yes ewww... Although he said it's better then satisfying his other addictions which I have to agree :)
Mom
BarbieBF
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
My bags are packed and I'm ready to go...
Ok I'm not packed and I'm not ready to go but I will be by the end of the day. ;)
I'm still waiting to hear back from disability and I'm beginning to gain a dislike for how easily professionals can mislead a person. I think that I have an understanding of what is going to happen and bam... the rug gets pulled out from under me yet again. After making mine and my son's current circumstances clear I thought I was well on my way to having power of attorney papers drawn up, even had my son's agreement to sign them, and then the lawyer throws a wrench in it stating that he needs to obtain instructions from my son. This after telling me that he could draw up the papers for me to take to BC for signing. The two just don't meet up... How does he plan on getting instructions from my son while he is in another province and if this was required he should have stated this previously. I had every intentions of getting it signed by a notary public so that my son's rights were being addressed. Oh well...
I talked to my son the other day about the power of attorney thing possibly being put on hold for now however in the meantime I would want certain things put into place when he comes home. First he needs to sign a release with PACT so that that can freely talk to me and me them. He agreed saying he didn't want to hide anything from me anymore. Lets hope that is true ;) I also let him know that once he is back on disability that the room and board portion of his payments are to come directly to me. He will still get his spending allowance sent to him. He agreed. At this point he may agree to anything to get released from the hospital but I'm hoping that he will follow through. He says that I have his word on it that he will. I will be happy to have these two things put into place.
The plan was to leave tomorrow, be picked up at the airport then go get my son released. What is that saying about well laid plans? Always expect the unexpected. They won't release him until the day we are flying out. The doctor doesn't want to take any chances with something going wrong while he is being transferred into the care of his psychiatrist and treatment team out here. I think he may himself also be playing a role in causing the doctor to play it safe. He has lost his smoking privileges as he tested positive for marijuana so smoked it during his hospital stay. He has also asked in front of his case worker at the hospital for $100-200 which we all know what he wants that for ;) So I can understand what they are trying to prevent.
The hospital will communicate with the PACT team out here and send over whatever information is needed regarding his medications. I'm happy to have them take over some of this.
I will be returning on Sunday providing everything goes according to plan. *fingers crossed*
Mom
BarbieBF
I'm still waiting to hear back from disability and I'm beginning to gain a dislike for how easily professionals can mislead a person. I think that I have an understanding of what is going to happen and bam... the rug gets pulled out from under me yet again. After making mine and my son's current circumstances clear I thought I was well on my way to having power of attorney papers drawn up, even had my son's agreement to sign them, and then the lawyer throws a wrench in it stating that he needs to obtain instructions from my son. This after telling me that he could draw up the papers for me to take to BC for signing. The two just don't meet up... How does he plan on getting instructions from my son while he is in another province and if this was required he should have stated this previously. I had every intentions of getting it signed by a notary public so that my son's rights were being addressed. Oh well...
I talked to my son the other day about the power of attorney thing possibly being put on hold for now however in the meantime I would want certain things put into place when he comes home. First he needs to sign a release with PACT so that that can freely talk to me and me them. He agreed saying he didn't want to hide anything from me anymore. Lets hope that is true ;) I also let him know that once he is back on disability that the room and board portion of his payments are to come directly to me. He will still get his spending allowance sent to him. He agreed. At this point he may agree to anything to get released from the hospital but I'm hoping that he will follow through. He says that I have his word on it that he will. I will be happy to have these two things put into place.
The plan was to leave tomorrow, be picked up at the airport then go get my son released. What is that saying about well laid plans? Always expect the unexpected. They won't release him until the day we are flying out. The doctor doesn't want to take any chances with something going wrong while he is being transferred into the care of his psychiatrist and treatment team out here. I think he may himself also be playing a role in causing the doctor to play it safe. He has lost his smoking privileges as he tested positive for marijuana so smoked it during his hospital stay. He has also asked in front of his case worker at the hospital for $100-200 which we all know what he wants that for ;) So I can understand what they are trying to prevent.
The hospital will communicate with the PACT team out here and send over whatever information is needed regarding his medications. I'm happy to have them take over some of this.
I will be returning on Sunday providing everything goes according to plan. *fingers crossed*
Mom
BarbieBF
Monday, November 3, 2014
Discharged... What?!
That was pretty much my reaction on Friday morning when I called the hospital and was told that my son had been discharged. That my reaction was incredulous to say the least. Skeptical, shocked and mad were each fighting there way up to the surface as I was wondering who's ass I would put in that proverbial sling first. The lady in patient locating caught my obvious tone of bewilderment and fairly quickly said she would check for any notes regarding the discharge. He had been transferred to another hospital the night before. Whew! Would be an understatement on the relief I felt that he had not been discharged.
I called the new hospital and spoke to his nurse. She said that he was settled in and resting. I questioned the resting part as if he was awake and not moving I wouldn't call it resting. I asked if he was sedated and she said no he hadn't had much medications. I should have asked her if she noticed his foot going a mile a minute which I'm sure it was. I was asked if there was any foods that he liked because he wasn't eating and 'Was that normal for him?'. Sometimes I want to ask if they have any experience with psychosis from working in a psych ward? Because honestly I have to wonder. He is not eating because he is in psychosis. Hello! Anyone home up there? It reminded me of when my son was hospitalized last September (full psychotic break) and a nurse said to me 'Your son thinks you are trying to kill him. Do you know why?' I guess the diagnoses paranoid schizophrenia went over some peoples heads.
I patiently explained that yes it is normal for my son not to eat when he is in psychosis. He is to far in his own head or in psychosis to eat. Same with resting... He is not resting. I would bet my live on it that his mind or thoughts were racing a mile a minute. I was told that there was a patient phone that I could call and they would get him up to answer it. I said no I would wait a couple of days. Based on what I have seen in the past and what I was being told, there was no way that I was going to try and force my son to have a coherent conversation when he is obviously not up to it. Trying to force his brain to deal with reality before medications have a chance to work would be putting more stress on his brain which was certainly not needed, in my opinion.
I did let the nurse know which medications I believed would help to get him stable. Let her know that Trazodone would help him sleep and that Neurontin/Gabapentin helps a lot for his anxiety. All the while thinking that I sounded like a broken record since I had just done this less then a month ago and several other times over the past two months. I also gave another heads up on his actual diagnoses being paranoid schizophrenia with concurrent disorders. One being addiction so be careful with benzo's. I also gave a heads up on no stimulants for his ADHD - his foot going a mile a minute.
I just talked to my son on the patient phone. A fairly short conversation but at least he is still managing to respond to my I love yous. I asked him if he knew why he was in the hospital. He said because he hasn't been taking his medications since he went out there. I asked if he remembered hitting his grandmother. He stumbled and fell because he was almost dying although he doesn't know why he was almost dying. I seriously hate this disease at times like this. What it does to the mind and memory. If he can't see what schizophrenia is causing him to do... If he is sheltered from the reality of what he is capable of doing when he is in psychosis, how will he ever know what it is that we are fighting against and what the medications are helping to stop? I think he needs to know. He needs to know and see what schizophrenia is capable of making him do.
Still I set here questioning myself and not taking action. Honestly I can't believe I'm not following my gut on this... Like I haven't learned to trust it yet?! In life I think the things we feel the most quilt over are the things that we didn't do as apposed to the things we do wrong. We can sometimes be lucky enough to fix the wrongs that we have done but we can never go back and do what we should have done in the past. Will I have to deal with the guilt of doing nothing? God I hope not. I know why I'm not doing what I think is best. It's because I'm not sure of the support that I think that I should get to accomplish what is needed. As long as there is 'interference' then I will never have the assurance of knowing that bumps in the road are just that. Even if I decide to get guardianship, my son will always fight to take the easy road instead of centering on his own recovery. Round and round my mind goes...
Mom
BarbieBF
I called the new hospital and spoke to his nurse. She said that he was settled in and resting. I questioned the resting part as if he was awake and not moving I wouldn't call it resting. I asked if he was sedated and she said no he hadn't had much medications. I should have asked her if she noticed his foot going a mile a minute which I'm sure it was. I was asked if there was any foods that he liked because he wasn't eating and 'Was that normal for him?'. Sometimes I want to ask if they have any experience with psychosis from working in a psych ward? Because honestly I have to wonder. He is not eating because he is in psychosis. Hello! Anyone home up there? It reminded me of when my son was hospitalized last September (full psychotic break) and a nurse said to me 'Your son thinks you are trying to kill him. Do you know why?' I guess the diagnoses paranoid schizophrenia went over some peoples heads.
I patiently explained that yes it is normal for my son not to eat when he is in psychosis. He is to far in his own head or in psychosis to eat. Same with resting... He is not resting. I would bet my live on it that his mind or thoughts were racing a mile a minute. I was told that there was a patient phone that I could call and they would get him up to answer it. I said no I would wait a couple of days. Based on what I have seen in the past and what I was being told, there was no way that I was going to try and force my son to have a coherent conversation when he is obviously not up to it. Trying to force his brain to deal with reality before medications have a chance to work would be putting more stress on his brain which was certainly not needed, in my opinion.
I did let the nurse know which medications I believed would help to get him stable. Let her know that Trazodone would help him sleep and that Neurontin/Gabapentin helps a lot for his anxiety. All the while thinking that I sounded like a broken record since I had just done this less then a month ago and several other times over the past two months. I also gave another heads up on his actual diagnoses being paranoid schizophrenia with concurrent disorders. One being addiction so be careful with benzo's. I also gave a heads up on no stimulants for his ADHD - his foot going a mile a minute.
I just talked to my son on the patient phone. A fairly short conversation but at least he is still managing to respond to my I love yous. I asked him if he knew why he was in the hospital. He said because he hasn't been taking his medications since he went out there. I asked if he remembered hitting his grandmother. He stumbled and fell because he was almost dying although he doesn't know why he was almost dying. I seriously hate this disease at times like this. What it does to the mind and memory. If he can't see what schizophrenia is causing him to do... If he is sheltered from the reality of what he is capable of doing when he is in psychosis, how will he ever know what it is that we are fighting against and what the medications are helping to stop? I think he needs to know. He needs to know and see what schizophrenia is capable of making him do.
Still I set here questioning myself and not taking action. Honestly I can't believe I'm not following my gut on this... Like I haven't learned to trust it yet?! In life I think the things we feel the most quilt over are the things that we didn't do as apposed to the things we do wrong. We can sometimes be lucky enough to fix the wrongs that we have done but we can never go back and do what we should have done in the past. Will I have to deal with the guilt of doing nothing? God I hope not. I know why I'm not doing what I think is best. It's because I'm not sure of the support that I think that I should get to accomplish what is needed. As long as there is 'interference' then I will never have the assurance of knowing that bumps in the road are just that. Even if I decide to get guardianship, my son will always fight to take the easy road instead of centering on his own recovery. Round and round my mind goes...
Mom
BarbieBF
Friday, September 12, 2014
I may have lost the battle but I haven't lost the war.
This is something that I'm having to remind myself. Thanx to an outpouring of support from parents who have been where I am and from people who are diagnosed and been where my son is and understand what I have been trying to accomplish... Their words of support and wisdom have helped me tremendously, perhaps more then I can truly express.
Since my son was diagnosed in 2011 and especially since he came to live with me in April of 2013, I have quit literally immersed myself into the world of schizophrenia. I have researched to the best of my ability the science behind what is happening in my son's brain. I have watched videos, so many videos. One by a Professor at Stanford University who sums up what I have researched in an easy to understand way. I have watched videos from The LEAP Institute about mental illness and anosognosia. 40-50% of people diagnosed with schizophrenia have anosognosia. Anosognosia looks like denial but is part of the disease itself. It does not allow the person to see that they are sick. I have researched medications and tried to understand dopamine antagonist and so many other terms that are almost beyond my comprehension BUT I understand enough to know what my son's brain needs. Not what schizophrenia and addiction wants. His thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions are being controlled by things that he cannot see or understand. That's where I come in! To advocate not for what my son thinks he wants BUT for what he needs.
Everyday I'm communicating with stable and recovering diagnosed who have been where my son is. Who's family members have advocated as I am trying to do to give them what is best for them. Now that they are stable and recovering they can see that boundaries and yes even a little tough love has helped to give them their lives back. Family members who out of love said enough is enough. We are not the problem and it's time! Time to take responsibility not only for their lives but for managing a disease that needs to be managed.
I have tried to talk to psychiatrist about the science of schizophrenia and guess what? They don't seem to have much knowledge. It's not their job to know about enlarged ventricles or pre-frontal cortex, less grey/white matter or miss-firing neurotransmitters. No amount of unconditional love can fix these. Overloading him on the wrong medications can't fix this. It's their job to prescribe medications based on what drug companies say they are supposed to do. They also prescribe based on what the patient tells them. Patients like my son who knows how to manipulate the system to give him what he wants. My son would still be over medicated and on the wrong medications if it wasn't for me researching and advocating for what is best for him. Getting him off of benzodiazepines, anything that ends in 'pam' was the first and best then I could have done for him. I know that the medications that he needs are the ones that help to regulate dopamine in his brain and he doesn't need to be over-medicated with them. I know that he can't handle ADHD stimulants, they trigger psychosis. Why because they are amphetamines. Might as well give him crystal meth/speed. That doesn't mean that he doesn't need help with ADHD symptoms because he does. I wonder who will advocate the right medications for this? I wonder who will advocate the right doses of the right medications? Instead of listening to a psychiatrist that in my opinion dropped the ball where my son is concerned a long time ago. A psychiatrist, that now that I have more experience and knowledge, didn't do my son any good. I don't blame him. He is human after-all. My son's current, soon to be no more, psychiatrist. Is a good psychiatrist, in my opinion. He worked with my son. He listened to me and my son. Most importantly he tried to give my son what he needed not what my son thought he needed. A very big distinction. He understood me when I talked about neurotransmitters...
I really wish the people involved could step back for just a moment and try to see the bigger picture. If they could only see what I see. I do see my son. All of him! Not just the parts that I want to see. I don't love him any less for doing so. In fact I think it makes my love all the more significant. Steps were being put into place that would give my son the tools that he needs to be the man that I know that he can be. Support was in place that he has been turning his back on because he can't see past his own mentality. It was a bump in the road that was leading to a success that would help him to gain the independence that he craves in an environment that understood his needs. He can't see his own limitations. He doesn't know that he needs the support that I was trying to give him.
It's hard to come to terms with what is happening. It's hard to let go and not do everything in my power to stop this. I know people's hearts are in the right place. If only they could see that so is mine. I have not done anything lightly. I have not made any decision that was not geared towards my son's stability and future. I see past his temper tantrums and manipulations. If only I was given the chance to see it through. Just a little bit of trust that as his MOTHER, armed not only with my love for him but also with the knowledge and experience of so many in my and his situation, that given the chance I was providing me son with what he needed. Now I'm letting him walk into a world with little understanding of schizophrenia.
A couple of people's comments hit home for me. It was to hand this over to my higher power. My higher power is my mother, Donna, who is in heaven and I know how much she loved my son. When things are tough for me, it's her that I pray to for the strength that I need because I know if anyone has God's ear it is her. I know that she is in my son's heart too because he still remembers her and talks of her sometimes. So mom, or Donna as my son calls you... I give you my son. Please take care of him until he is back with me again.
Thank you to all the nameless people who have supported me and my decisions. Who have lived with this disease and despite current circumstance have told me what an awesome mom I am. I needed to hear it.
Mom
BarbieBF
Since my son was diagnosed in 2011 and especially since he came to live with me in April of 2013, I have quit literally immersed myself into the world of schizophrenia. I have researched to the best of my ability the science behind what is happening in my son's brain. I have watched videos, so many videos. One by a Professor at Stanford University who sums up what I have researched in an easy to understand way. I have watched videos from The LEAP Institute about mental illness and anosognosia. 40-50% of people diagnosed with schizophrenia have anosognosia. Anosognosia looks like denial but is part of the disease itself. It does not allow the person to see that they are sick. I have researched medications and tried to understand dopamine antagonist and so many other terms that are almost beyond my comprehension BUT I understand enough to know what my son's brain needs. Not what schizophrenia and addiction wants. His thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions are being controlled by things that he cannot see or understand. That's where I come in! To advocate not for what my son thinks he wants BUT for what he needs.
Everyday I'm communicating with stable and recovering diagnosed who have been where my son is. Who's family members have advocated as I am trying to do to give them what is best for them. Now that they are stable and recovering they can see that boundaries and yes even a little tough love has helped to give them their lives back. Family members who out of love said enough is enough. We are not the problem and it's time! Time to take responsibility not only for their lives but for managing a disease that needs to be managed.
I have tried to talk to psychiatrist about the science of schizophrenia and guess what? They don't seem to have much knowledge. It's not their job to know about enlarged ventricles or pre-frontal cortex, less grey/white matter or miss-firing neurotransmitters. No amount of unconditional love can fix these. Overloading him on the wrong medications can't fix this. It's their job to prescribe medications based on what drug companies say they are supposed to do. They also prescribe based on what the patient tells them. Patients like my son who knows how to manipulate the system to give him what he wants. My son would still be over medicated and on the wrong medications if it wasn't for me researching and advocating for what is best for him. Getting him off of benzodiazepines, anything that ends in 'pam' was the first and best then I could have done for him. I know that the medications that he needs are the ones that help to regulate dopamine in his brain and he doesn't need to be over-medicated with them. I know that he can't handle ADHD stimulants, they trigger psychosis. Why because they are amphetamines. Might as well give him crystal meth/speed. That doesn't mean that he doesn't need help with ADHD symptoms because he does. I wonder who will advocate the right medications for this? I wonder who will advocate the right doses of the right medications? Instead of listening to a psychiatrist that in my opinion dropped the ball where my son is concerned a long time ago. A psychiatrist, that now that I have more experience and knowledge, didn't do my son any good. I don't blame him. He is human after-all. My son's current, soon to be no more, psychiatrist. Is a good psychiatrist, in my opinion. He worked with my son. He listened to me and my son. Most importantly he tried to give my son what he needed not what my son thought he needed. A very big distinction. He understood me when I talked about neurotransmitters...
I really wish the people involved could step back for just a moment and try to see the bigger picture. If they could only see what I see. I do see my son. All of him! Not just the parts that I want to see. I don't love him any less for doing so. In fact I think it makes my love all the more significant. Steps were being put into place that would give my son the tools that he needs to be the man that I know that he can be. Support was in place that he has been turning his back on because he can't see past his own mentality. It was a bump in the road that was leading to a success that would help him to gain the independence that he craves in an environment that understood his needs. He can't see his own limitations. He doesn't know that he needs the support that I was trying to give him.
It's hard to come to terms with what is happening. It's hard to let go and not do everything in my power to stop this. I know people's hearts are in the right place. If only they could see that so is mine. I have not done anything lightly. I have not made any decision that was not geared towards my son's stability and future. I see past his temper tantrums and manipulations. If only I was given the chance to see it through. Just a little bit of trust that as his MOTHER, armed not only with my love for him but also with the knowledge and experience of so many in my and his situation, that given the chance I was providing me son with what he needed. Now I'm letting him walk into a world with little understanding of schizophrenia.
A couple of people's comments hit home for me. It was to hand this over to my higher power. My higher power is my mother, Donna, who is in heaven and I know how much she loved my son. When things are tough for me, it's her that I pray to for the strength that I need because I know if anyone has God's ear it is her. I know that she is in my son's heart too because he still remembers her and talks of her sometimes. So mom, or Donna as my son calls you... I give you my son. Please take care of him until he is back with me again.
Thank you to all the nameless people who have supported me and my decisions. Who have lived with this disease and despite current circumstance have told me what an awesome mom I am. I needed to hear it.
Mom
BarbieBF
Monday, September 8, 2014
Bronchitis, I Love You Too
My son called me on Friday, he has bronchitis and needed his disability drug card to fill his prescriptions. There wasn't too much that I could do until my husband got home from work so once that happened we headed to see my son. On the way we stopped and got him some acetaminophen in case his throat hurt and some cough syrup for at night. We took him to fill his prescriptions at a different pharmacy then the one he originally went to which saved us some money. I would have to say that really bothers me that some pharmacies charge more, especially when it's for people on disability. Due to my previous job where part of my duties was to be the administrator for the companies insurance, I was/am aware of why at some pharmacies you have to pay more. It's because they are charging more for their services or medications then the insurance company or in this case disability, thinks the service or medication is worth. So luckily the one pharmacy was already closed so we went to another one, one that didn't charge more for their services then disability was willing to pay.
My son wanted to go for pizza afterwards to which I agreed if he cleaned up first. He was wearing the same cloths from when I saw him on Tuesday and they didn't smell too good. With no resistance he changed cloths and cleaned himself up. I had also brought him a toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, Q-tips and nail clippers, although I haven't been able to get him to use the nail clippers yet. He goes through phases where he likes to have long nails. It seems to go hand in hand with his phases of instability and I only remind him that if he is going to keep then long then he should try to keep them clean. We also got him a new fanny pack since his was taken and I wanted him to have a safe place to keep his ID and other items. We then took him for pizza which he seemed to enjoy. I had to pick off the hot peppers since we let him pick the toppings.
I was impressed during the visit to see staff at the shelter checking for drugs etc when certain people where coming in. One boy even had to remove his shoes! All my son's belongings are in a locked cabinet that only staff can access. Not sure how but he also got another cell phone and this time kept the paperwork although I didn't take the time to read it. His left over pizza was put in a locked fridge with his name on it. We had to hand in his prescriptions, even his puffer that he was prescribed. All prescription medications have to be monitored and he signs every time he has access to and takes his medications. After watching my son take his first set of antibiotics and use his puffer, my husband and I said our good-byes. This time my son actually hugged me back! and told me he loved me too!
Saturday my husband and I went to see his family as his sister passed away over a month ago but due to circumstances everyone couldn't get together until now. It was nice to see everyone.
Yesterday we went to see my son again. He seemed genuinely happy to see us. Got him to change his shirt as again he was in the same one. Took him his track pants as the nights are a little colder now. He can do laundry there but without monitoring and reminding he doesn't follow through so I guess he did start a load when he first got there but the cloths went missing. He hasn't looked for them so they are probably there somewhere since no one else is wearing them. He can't be bothered to look for them as according to him he can buy a whole new wardrobe for $400 so why worry about a set of cloths. I guess this $400 is part of the full check disability is going to pay him... I have been bringing home his dirty cloths. Also took him some vitamin waters, beef jerky and more cigarettes. He wanted to go for a car ride so we drove to Tim Horton's, got a coffee and went to a park to drink it.
Even though he is physically doing better, his thinking is still a little off. I was asking him about how the food is at the shelter and he says that it is actually pretty good although he still doesn't feel like eating much. He is still in the frame of mind that he is doing his body good by forcing it to survive on less. I tried to explain that his body is like a car. It needs oil, fluids and gas to run properly and if he really wants to show his body respect then giving it the proper nourishment is the best way to do that. I do believe that he is eating as I see no indication of weight lose and even though he is somewhat delusional in his thinking he is doing better.
Paranoia, delusional thinking and general confusion becomes obvious at certain times. The shelter has tried to get him to sign a release for PACT however it seems a little paranoia may be causing this resistance along with his normal defiance. He seemed less resistant to the idea when I brought it up to him a couple of times. He is starting to get low on his Clozapine so I'm hoping that I can get him to open up about PACT so that they can interact with the shelter and make arrangements to have this brought to him as well as receive information about his blood work for next week. The shelter or my son is going to need a requisition and I can't provide it, PACT does. Also it would make things so much easier in trying to find him a bed somewhere else if everyone could talk to each other and get things moving faster. I really wish that he could see all that everyone is trying to do for him. I know that his case worker called the shelter again today but they couldn't talk to her. I'm not sure how long they can continue to offer their services if he is not open to it. I'm not sure I even want to think about the problems that could arise from him not having a psychiatrist to prescribe his medications or who is going to pay for his Clozapine since PACT took care of that. He was lucky to have a lot of people advocating and pushing his referrals through so that he didn't have the usual wait time it normally takes to get in to see a psychiatrist. One problem at a time right!
He did ask me yesterday what was going on with his Grandmother and Father, that something didn't feel right or was off. At first I wasn't sure who he was referring to as we usually refer to his grandmother as Nana. He wondered about his Dad not calling him and I let him know that his Dad had asked for his cell number but his cell had gotten stolen right after that and my son seemed confused by my reference to the stolen cell, like he didn't know or remember that it had been stolen. I'm not sure what he thinks is off with his Nana and he couldn't explain it but I told him that she has been going through her own stuff and I don't think it's anything that he needs to worry about. It could be his own paranoia acting up as well so it's hard to tell.
I did make sure he took his antibiotics before leaving yesterday. Let him know that I might not make it back until Wednesday. I also got the name and address of the pharmacy that filled his antibiotics as I'm going to have to figure out something for when he needs to refill his Lithium. Either transfer the prescription from the pharmacy here to the one close to him or have this pharmacy get the disability information as we had to give the pharmacy the original disability drug card and they keep it. Hopefully I'm worrying over nothing and I don't run into problems of not being able to do help with this since he's an adult and should be doing it himself. He did hug me good-bye and told me that he loved me too.
So today I'm doing my usual phone calls of checking on him, making sure everyone is aware of what they need to be aware of and now I will try to get a hold of his case worker and keep my fingers crossed that he finally agrees to sign the release.
My son wanted to go for pizza afterwards to which I agreed if he cleaned up first. He was wearing the same cloths from when I saw him on Tuesday and they didn't smell too good. With no resistance he changed cloths and cleaned himself up. I had also brought him a toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, Q-tips and nail clippers, although I haven't been able to get him to use the nail clippers yet. He goes through phases where he likes to have long nails. It seems to go hand in hand with his phases of instability and I only remind him that if he is going to keep then long then he should try to keep them clean. We also got him a new fanny pack since his was taken and I wanted him to have a safe place to keep his ID and other items. We then took him for pizza which he seemed to enjoy. I had to pick off the hot peppers since we let him pick the toppings.
I was impressed during the visit to see staff at the shelter checking for drugs etc when certain people where coming in. One boy even had to remove his shoes! All my son's belongings are in a locked cabinet that only staff can access. Not sure how but he also got another cell phone and this time kept the paperwork although I didn't take the time to read it. His left over pizza was put in a locked fridge with his name on it. We had to hand in his prescriptions, even his puffer that he was prescribed. All prescription medications have to be monitored and he signs every time he has access to and takes his medications. After watching my son take his first set of antibiotics and use his puffer, my husband and I said our good-byes. This time my son actually hugged me back! and told me he loved me too!
Saturday my husband and I went to see his family as his sister passed away over a month ago but due to circumstances everyone couldn't get together until now. It was nice to see everyone.
Yesterday we went to see my son again. He seemed genuinely happy to see us. Got him to change his shirt as again he was in the same one. Took him his track pants as the nights are a little colder now. He can do laundry there but without monitoring and reminding he doesn't follow through so I guess he did start a load when he first got there but the cloths went missing. He hasn't looked for them so they are probably there somewhere since no one else is wearing them. He can't be bothered to look for them as according to him he can buy a whole new wardrobe for $400 so why worry about a set of cloths. I guess this $400 is part of the full check disability is going to pay him... I have been bringing home his dirty cloths. Also took him some vitamin waters, beef jerky and more cigarettes. He wanted to go for a car ride so we drove to Tim Horton's, got a coffee and went to a park to drink it.
Even though he is physically doing better, his thinking is still a little off. I was asking him about how the food is at the shelter and he says that it is actually pretty good although he still doesn't feel like eating much. He is still in the frame of mind that he is doing his body good by forcing it to survive on less. I tried to explain that his body is like a car. It needs oil, fluids and gas to run properly and if he really wants to show his body respect then giving it the proper nourishment is the best way to do that. I do believe that he is eating as I see no indication of weight lose and even though he is somewhat delusional in his thinking he is doing better.
Paranoia, delusional thinking and general confusion becomes obvious at certain times. The shelter has tried to get him to sign a release for PACT however it seems a little paranoia may be causing this resistance along with his normal defiance. He seemed less resistant to the idea when I brought it up to him a couple of times. He is starting to get low on his Clozapine so I'm hoping that I can get him to open up about PACT so that they can interact with the shelter and make arrangements to have this brought to him as well as receive information about his blood work for next week. The shelter or my son is going to need a requisition and I can't provide it, PACT does. Also it would make things so much easier in trying to find him a bed somewhere else if everyone could talk to each other and get things moving faster. I really wish that he could see all that everyone is trying to do for him. I know that his case worker called the shelter again today but they couldn't talk to her. I'm not sure how long they can continue to offer their services if he is not open to it. I'm not sure I even want to think about the problems that could arise from him not having a psychiatrist to prescribe his medications or who is going to pay for his Clozapine since PACT took care of that. He was lucky to have a lot of people advocating and pushing his referrals through so that he didn't have the usual wait time it normally takes to get in to see a psychiatrist. One problem at a time right!
He did ask me yesterday what was going on with his Grandmother and Father, that something didn't feel right or was off. At first I wasn't sure who he was referring to as we usually refer to his grandmother as Nana. He wondered about his Dad not calling him and I let him know that his Dad had asked for his cell number but his cell had gotten stolen right after that and my son seemed confused by my reference to the stolen cell, like he didn't know or remember that it had been stolen. I'm not sure what he thinks is off with his Nana and he couldn't explain it but I told him that she has been going through her own stuff and I don't think it's anything that he needs to worry about. It could be his own paranoia acting up as well so it's hard to tell.
I did make sure he took his antibiotics before leaving yesterday. Let him know that I might not make it back until Wednesday. I also got the name and address of the pharmacy that filled his antibiotics as I'm going to have to figure out something for when he needs to refill his Lithium. Either transfer the prescription from the pharmacy here to the one close to him or have this pharmacy get the disability information as we had to give the pharmacy the original disability drug card and they keep it. Hopefully I'm worrying over nothing and I don't run into problems of not being able to do help with this since he's an adult and should be doing it himself. He did hug me good-bye and told me that he loved me too.
So today I'm doing my usual phone calls of checking on him, making sure everyone is aware of what they need to be aware of and now I will try to get a hold of his case worker and keep my fingers crossed that he finally agrees to sign the release.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Not adding up...
I did see my son on Tuesday. I arrived while he was on the phone, I was told that he was talking to his Grandmother. I'm not sure what I was expecting to find but physically he actually looked like he is doing okay. He has showered and he has been sleeping and eating as the shelter does provide meals. He has been taking his Clozapine and Lithium. My son's eyes seem to tell his story better then anything else and he looked more stable then the last time I saw him.
I have tried to piece together what happened on Monday however very little of it is making any sense to anyone. Before my son called me to tell me that he had been mugged, I was unaware that this happened. To my knowledge he had tried to buy $500 worth of drugs and they didn't return with the drugs so he went to the police. Somewhere in there he took them for Chinese food... I really don't know how that detail fits in. My son called me after I blogged on Tuesday to tell me that he had been mugged and only had $11 left in his bank account. I tried to ask him what happened. He said that he 'got lured in' yet when I asked him how they lured him in he couldn't tell me just that they did. I'm guessing that he willingly went with them as he was trying to purchase marijuana and cocaine. The cocaine according to him is because he wanted to try it. I guess I wasn't sympathetic enough as I told him I wouldn't be giving him any money so he got mad and hung up on me.
My husband came home early due to rain so we had an early dinner then headed to the shelter. I thought my son would like to have his search-a-word book and a notebook and some pens as well as some cigarettes. He didn't want the books. I gave him one pack of cigarettes and gave the shelter another 3 packs and asked them to only give him one pack a day. Since he was able to go to the bank, get a new bank card and find out how much money he had that meant that he had his ID still which I know that he kept in his fanny pack that got stolen. He says that he asked for his ID back and one of the muggers was nice enough to give it back. I don't disbelieve this however it's hard to imagine. The staff have been having problems communicating with my son as it takes him awhile to understand and respond so it's hard to believe that he was thinking clearly enough during a mugging to ask for his ID but it is possible. He also apparently voluntarily (without them asking for it) gave them his pin number for his bank card. He says that he got hit in the neck. There are no bruises, red marks, nothing to indicate that he had been hit. I did look. He got away and ran to a pay phone and called the police. I'm not sure how no one knew to tell me that it was a mugging when I first found out about it.
My son told me he got robbed of $700. That he was trying to buy marijuana and cocaine although he hadn't planned on spending all of his money on drugs since he wanted to purchase some luxury items. I quietly stated: I barely had money for rent yet you want to buy luxury items? He laughed it off. He thinks that disability is going to reimburse him and he seems to also think that they are going to continue to hand him money for board and lodgings when he isn't paying for it. I didn't bother going any further into that conversation. We did ask him what he planned on doing with that much drugs since he can't take it into the shelter, they do searches. He had a spot picked out, outside, to hide it. Nice to know he is planning ahead for something :)
The shelter asked if I could help with getting his cell phone disconnected since it was taken too and we don't need whoever has it running up a bill in his name. We took him to the mall where he got it. He said that he got it through Rogers but he actually got it through Koodo. The couldn't help him at the mall stating that he needed to call them. So we went back to the shelter to get his paperwork for the phone. He had thrown it out so at this point he didn't know who the provider was, the account number and probably doesn't even know the number. The following morning I called Koodo and was able to confirm the account but couldn't do anything since I'm not on the account and didn't have the pin that he would have created when setting up the account. I called the shelter with the number for Koodo customer support, his cell phone number and explained that he could suspend the service, no charge, with the information from his ID if they could help him do this. I just tried calling the number and got a message that this number is not equipped to receive incoming calls so hopefully they got him to suspend the account. Considering the fact that my hubby and I are currently stuck not being able to move due to his bad credit report. One of them being an unpaid cell phone with the same service provider... I do know that it can have an impact on my son's future if it's not taken care of.
I haven't heard from his case worker from PACT since Tuesday although at this point I don't know how much help she can be as my son is refusing to sign a release for the shelter to talk to her. He doesn't want anything to do with PACT even though it's their psychiatrist that is prescribing him his medications and it's PACT that has arranged for his Clozapine to be paid for by the manufacturer because disability still hasn't agreed to cover it. It's also PACT that picks it up for him and delivers it to him now. I will have to confirm with the shelter but he should have enough for another couple of weeks and he should be ok with his Lithium as well. My hands are somewhat tied with Ready4Life as he refused to sign a release giving them permission to talk to me. So I don't know what is happening with his applications for the two group homes. When his case worker calls me I'm going to try to find out if we can get him moved from that shelter into one in a better neighborhood. The one we wanted didn't have a bed last week but maybe that has changed. Depending on how defiant he wants to be he is making it hard for anyone to assist him.
He seemed ok when we left him on Tuesday. Didn't seem concerned about anything. I hugged him good-bye. I might as well have been hugging a board. No emotion what so ever...
Mom
BarbieBF
I have tried to piece together what happened on Monday however very little of it is making any sense to anyone. Before my son called me to tell me that he had been mugged, I was unaware that this happened. To my knowledge he had tried to buy $500 worth of drugs and they didn't return with the drugs so he went to the police. Somewhere in there he took them for Chinese food... I really don't know how that detail fits in. My son called me after I blogged on Tuesday to tell me that he had been mugged and only had $11 left in his bank account. I tried to ask him what happened. He said that he 'got lured in' yet when I asked him how they lured him in he couldn't tell me just that they did. I'm guessing that he willingly went with them as he was trying to purchase marijuana and cocaine. The cocaine according to him is because he wanted to try it. I guess I wasn't sympathetic enough as I told him I wouldn't be giving him any money so he got mad and hung up on me.
My husband came home early due to rain so we had an early dinner then headed to the shelter. I thought my son would like to have his search-a-word book and a notebook and some pens as well as some cigarettes. He didn't want the books. I gave him one pack of cigarettes and gave the shelter another 3 packs and asked them to only give him one pack a day. Since he was able to go to the bank, get a new bank card and find out how much money he had that meant that he had his ID still which I know that he kept in his fanny pack that got stolen. He says that he asked for his ID back and one of the muggers was nice enough to give it back. I don't disbelieve this however it's hard to imagine. The staff have been having problems communicating with my son as it takes him awhile to understand and respond so it's hard to believe that he was thinking clearly enough during a mugging to ask for his ID but it is possible. He also apparently voluntarily (without them asking for it) gave them his pin number for his bank card. He says that he got hit in the neck. There are no bruises, red marks, nothing to indicate that he had been hit. I did look. He got away and ran to a pay phone and called the police. I'm not sure how no one knew to tell me that it was a mugging when I first found out about it.
My son told me he got robbed of $700. That he was trying to buy marijuana and cocaine although he hadn't planned on spending all of his money on drugs since he wanted to purchase some luxury items. I quietly stated: I barely had money for rent yet you want to buy luxury items? He laughed it off. He thinks that disability is going to reimburse him and he seems to also think that they are going to continue to hand him money for board and lodgings when he isn't paying for it. I didn't bother going any further into that conversation. We did ask him what he planned on doing with that much drugs since he can't take it into the shelter, they do searches. He had a spot picked out, outside, to hide it. Nice to know he is planning ahead for something :)
The shelter asked if I could help with getting his cell phone disconnected since it was taken too and we don't need whoever has it running up a bill in his name. We took him to the mall where he got it. He said that he got it through Rogers but he actually got it through Koodo. The couldn't help him at the mall stating that he needed to call them. So we went back to the shelter to get his paperwork for the phone. He had thrown it out so at this point he didn't know who the provider was, the account number and probably doesn't even know the number. The following morning I called Koodo and was able to confirm the account but couldn't do anything since I'm not on the account and didn't have the pin that he would have created when setting up the account. I called the shelter with the number for Koodo customer support, his cell phone number and explained that he could suspend the service, no charge, with the information from his ID if they could help him do this. I just tried calling the number and got a message that this number is not equipped to receive incoming calls so hopefully they got him to suspend the account. Considering the fact that my hubby and I are currently stuck not being able to move due to his bad credit report. One of them being an unpaid cell phone with the same service provider... I do know that it can have an impact on my son's future if it's not taken care of.
I haven't heard from his case worker from PACT since Tuesday although at this point I don't know how much help she can be as my son is refusing to sign a release for the shelter to talk to her. He doesn't want anything to do with PACT even though it's their psychiatrist that is prescribing him his medications and it's PACT that has arranged for his Clozapine to be paid for by the manufacturer because disability still hasn't agreed to cover it. It's also PACT that picks it up for him and delivers it to him now. I will have to confirm with the shelter but he should have enough for another couple of weeks and he should be ok with his Lithium as well. My hands are somewhat tied with Ready4Life as he refused to sign a release giving them permission to talk to me. So I don't know what is happening with his applications for the two group homes. When his case worker calls me I'm going to try to find out if we can get him moved from that shelter into one in a better neighborhood. The one we wanted didn't have a bed last week but maybe that has changed. Depending on how defiant he wants to be he is making it hard for anyone to assist him.
He seemed ok when we left him on Tuesday. Didn't seem concerned about anything. I hugged him good-bye. I might as well have been hugging a board. No emotion what so ever...
Mom
BarbieBF
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