Today's word is stupidity

I just spent about half an hour reading 'stupid quotes' on Pinterest. I must say I feel much better now ;) I can't say that I was having a very good morning... really it started last night when I found a bottle of alcohol in my son's room. Add hormones and a husband...

I don't usually use words like stupid or idiot but sometimes...



Friday night my son decides to bike to the liquor store. He didn't even have to ask how to get there. Amazing what he can do when he wants to do it. Hubby and I made it very clear, no alcohol in the house or on the property. Obviously that went in one ear and out the other. First he hid it behind something that is part of the complexes property. After finding one bottle in his room last night, I found another bottle under my back steps this morning. I threw it out. Last night it's how unfair it is that he can't drink here. Really?! How unfair is it to me and my husband to have alcohol in the home when we have fought to become alcohol free and sober? For some who likes to throw around the respect word, he has little to know understanding of it. His soul is 11 trillion years old... A soul that old should have better common sense shouldn't it?

This morning he is asking for my help on looking up places to live on Kijiji (online classifieds). Thank you to the person that gave him that bright idea. He is looking up places in a different city that is part of a different district and therefore a whole different treatment team. But what does he care? He doesn't because his only concern is the ability to drink and smoke marijuana. And smoke in his room as now that's unfair too that he can't.

I was out this morning/afternoon when he got up and when I got home I got him his medications. I asked him who would make sure he takes his pills when he is living on his own? A little while ago he asked me what is for dinner. I don't know... Is it just me that sees this glaring, dare I say stupid opinion that he can live on his own?

Lets move on to hubby... Today he went and got the 3rd cable box since we have moved into the townhouse. Apparently the fact that we are not getting APTN and YTV is of grave concerns to someone. I assure you it's not me because I can do without cable. Between my son who we had already butted heads over this morning and my hormones, I decided staying home while hubby went out was the best option. I'm packing up the cable box and he tells me to pack up the remote too as they were giving us another box. Earlier he had told me that were giving him an older box as they seem to be more reliable. I tell him that the remote works with both boxes as we didn't exchange it last time. Apparently I don't listen. I didn't clarify that the remote is a universal remote... What was the point. He was to busy trying to tell me how he was getting a Motorola box. Ok... Off he goes.



He comes back to say that he didn't need to get a new remote (ahem) but they gave him one anyways. Great. You are sinking it to the TV since the old remote already was. Well you didn't tell me about that... No apparently I was to busy not listening...



There are some days where I truly want to lose it, just a little bit. I almost went with hubby, not because I wanted to but because I knew he wanted me to. Also if I don't handle saying no to going in a 'nice' way then he gets upset. I actually had my coat on... Then stopped myself thinking what the heck? Tough if everyone else is not ok because I'm not ok. Guess what? I'm not ok right now.

My son has barely been back home a week and already the 'honeymoon' phase is pretty much over. I want... I deserve... What rules? Promises and agreements?

I was hoping that I would be able to stay on the lowest dose of Venlafaxine... Will see. Guess what is due today which certainly isn't helping. Today I had a hot-flash combined I guess with not eating enough on the Venlafaxine which had me feeling like crap. Before I started using tinctures and supplements for my menstrual/menopause symptoms, my cycles were getting pretty tough. However for the past 2 years they have been really good. If today is an indication then I guess it's time to up the tinctures and supplements.

I sometimes think that I don't need the whole 'knight in shining armor on a white horse' routine BUT maybe a Page? A knight in training? Someone that could put aside their own feelings, issues or whatnot and be my pillar for a change. Don't get me wrong. I love my hubby and he has his good points. Unfortunately one of them is not the ability to handle my emotions.

Someday's I can't believe how alone I can feel. Just me, sitting here trying to figure out how to stop my son from running off that cliff. I see him running for it and I can't stop him. Addiction, schizophrenia... Whatever. Today my word is stupidity and I'm sticking with it...

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Going blind...

It's been a quiet week. My son seems to be recovering and his psychotic thoughts and voices are going away. He is still somewhat delusional in thinking but nothing major. Yesterday I teased him because he was making a sandwich and cleaning up after himself. He replied that he was feeling healthier. Yes that happens when you are not in psychosis :)

The other day he told me that he thought he was going blind. My gut told me that he didn't mean physically so I asked him what it was that he couldn't see. He is having trouble seeing his psychotic thoughts or imaginings. I explained that this was because he is not as psychotic anymore and what he was seeing was part of his schizophrenia. I spoke about this with my hubby and explained that I try really hard not to use terms like normal as they don't really apply here and for my son the goal is not to be normal. I know that for him it can feel like a lose to not see these things so the best that I can do is approach it from the viewpoint of not being psychotic rather then being normal.

This morning we had another little chat. I try to nicely point out that certain thoughts or ideas are delusional because no I can't help him obtain a spaceship so that he can travel the universe. I may be able to do a lot of things and figure out stuff however I do not have those types of contacts :).

Not surprisingly we also discussed marijuana. Earlier in the week I was helping him find a power cord and looked in his coat... Found a pot pipe and screens. Told him it was being confiscated. He doesn't feel like this world has anything for him so he wants to hide in marijuana. Yes he acknowledged that. At one point he tried the: Can we try and you can give me so much every day. My response was: I am not Nana. He grinned and dropped that approach moving on to the idea of getting his own place. All I can do is remind him that it's up to him how many hospitalizations he wants to have before he realizes that marijuana is not worth it. It's his journey I'm afraid.

He would like to have a girlfriend. Well he isn't going to meet any girls by not participating in life. His case worker from PACT was here earlier in the week. She asked him if he had voices and of course his answer was no ;) I stepped in and said perhaps asking how many voices or what they are saying would get a more realistic answer. My son replied that yes he has voices, entities which is normal for him.

Starting next week I'm hoping that he will be more involved with PACT's outings. When asked my son hesitated and I stepped in and said that I would answer for him and yes. Wednesday is there next group meeting were they discuss what type of outings the group will do and someone from PACT will come and pick him up. Monday's they go to the YMCA which again I said yes to. He can swim, work out or do whatever he wants during that time. His worker said she would look into getting him a pass. I don't think she has heard back from ADAPT yet.

I haven't had him call disability yet :( I really should get on that.

He has been taking his medications and it's fairly easy to tell that the psychosis and voices are leaving him. His face is much clearer. He is eating good. He is watching TV and playing games. Maybe not for long periods but still he is doing it. I do feel for him here as it has to be hard to be in this in-between stage where he wants to interact with schizophrenia yet it's getting harder to do. He can 'think' psychotic thoughts yet can't 'see' them as easily anymore. One day he spoke to me about one of his entities that he thought was his son. Whether they are real or not the lose of them will still feel like a lose to him.

Another topic we discussed today was love. I asked him what he thought love was? To be soft like a baby. Translation being soft on him or lenient ;) There are a lot of different sides to love. Sometimes love is hard. It can be a lot of things at one time. Because I'm not always soft it doesn't mean that I love any less. Sometimes making the hard choices is love.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Breakfast with voices

Sunday we decided to go out for breakfast. It was me, my hubby, my son and his voices. They were entertaining my son and moderately irritating me. Not in an upsetting way however I did at one point ask my son if he could do me a favor and tell them to go away for a minute as they were pissing off mom ;) I think the waitress had come by our table 3 times and we couldn't order because my son wouldn't stop listening to them long enough to read the menu. Perhaps my request did the trick as he finally paid attention to the menu and made a choice. Saturday when we took him to buy a TV he could barely pay attention to the cashier.

This morning or last night I asked him if he ever tried to ignore them as he will need to learn to do that so that he can interact with people while out in public. He stated that ignoring them would make them worse. I replied that the opposite is usually true. The more attention you give to them the worse they can be and he needs to learn to tell them to leave him alone sometimes. Thankfully they seem to be humorous at the moment although what my son tends to find humorous would probably freak me out ;)

Saturday night and last night he got about 12 hours sleep each night. He took his medications when hubby and I were going to bed. Both nights he took his Invega, Olanzapine and a Melatonin.

This morning I talked to him about his medications. Letting him know that I'm thinking we may need to look at Clozapine again, what did he think about that? He asked if that was a good idea. Well it's either that or we try Olanzapine twice a day as he really shouldn't be dealing with voices like this. He agreed to Olanzapine twice a day. Today he seems a lot more clear eyed and his face doesn't have that combination high/overtired look that I see as psychosis.

I think he finally has his room set up. Mom I need something else for my TV as the dresser is too high. Mom I want a table to put my stuff on. He wanted to use cardboard boxes that I explained wouldn't hold the weight. I had a night stand that won't fit in our room so we put that in his room for the TV. Then I took the draws out of and the legs off of the dresser and laid it flat for a table, putting a table cloth on it. So now he has Netflix and an hdmi cord and can watch TV in his room. He still wants me to get him cable for his room... hmm not likely. Hubby and I don't even have cable in our room as we are trying to keep the bills lower not higher. Besides between Netflix and downloading what could he possibly watch on basic cable?

After breakfast yesterday we brought him back home as he was to tired to go grocery shopping. I did get him a new hoodie and 2 pairs of track pants since his last 2 pairs shrunk. I kept them for around the house since my legs are shorter. Oh... I can say house now instead of apartment ;)

I talked to his case worker from PACT today and let her know what happened. She will follow up and try to get a hold of ADAPT to set something up. Of course my son hesitated this morning when I brought this up. He is so easy to agree to things when he is getting what he wants then.... I reminded him that he agreed and that it is expected.

Next thing is contacting disability. I guess getting my son to call is the best option since his worker hasn't returned my last 6? phone calls. Hopefully I will tackle that tomorrow. Today I actually spend most of the day cleaning and organizing some stuff. Now hubby is on his way home from work so I should start dinner. Steak, baked potatoes and salad. Yum!

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.