You've lost your muchness.

One of my favorite movies is Alice in Wonderland.



The above quote came to mind last night when I was lying in bed listening to my son on the phone with his Nana doing his usual venting/lying.

On Friday when his case worker dropped off his medications; no change... She wasn't there for the team meeting so she doesn't know what was said other then his nurse told her that he would talk to me about the fact that there was no change. I let her know what was happening and she said she would try to find out what was going on.

That afternoon I spent a long time with my son rubbing his back and talking to him. I had decided to order pizza for dinner and he wanted me to get larges so that he could have left-overs. I agreed. About 20 minutes later I walk into his room to ask him what he wanted on one of the pizzas and he was smoking... He told me that I needed to prove to him why he wasn't allowed to smoke in his room since he pays for it. *sigh* Yes he pays for the privilege of using it. Just like I pay rent for the privilege of using this townhouse. It's still not my townhouse. Again I remind him that his cigarettes need to stay downstairs.

What happened next I won't say as even though I blog I still don't think disclosing what he was doing is appropriate. I will just say that it was gross and he was doing it for about 15 minutes in the living room. Numerous times I asked him to stop. I asked him to take it to his room. I asked him to wash his hands. He refused to do any of it. Laughed at me when I got mad.

Yes I took away his cigarettes. I ask so little from him and give so much. I went upstairs. A little while later he comes up stating that he had washed his hands, can he have his smokes back, that he was only scratching his penis. He didn't say it so nicely to me. Also as far as I can tell he certainly hadn't washed his hands. I told him no, that he knows full well what he was doing. He punched my bedroom door twice, called me a bitch and told me to fuck off. Thankfully he walked away after that as I wasn't sure for a minute if I was going to have to call 911, which I didn't want to do.

Friday night I asked hubby to sleep in my/our bed so that I could take a sleeping pill. He agreed but then went to his own bed. *sigh* Wasn't much I could so since I had already taken it. If my son was up to no good that night then I wouldn't know.

Yesterday was pretty quiet. Once my son asked me to explain what he did wrong... Honestly he knows and was doing his normal manipulation of details to suite himself. I said I wasn't going to discuss it and reminded him that he had punched my door twice etc. He said that I deserved it. He can try to pretend/play like none of that happened with his Nana but he knows full well what he did and the difference between how he talks to me about it and how he talks to her about it is a dead give away that he knows and remembers exactly what he did. Telling her the truth wouldn't get him the same sympathy... meaning money as that is what he is looking for.

On a side not to all this. I still included him on ordering the pizza and he got to pick the makings of one large. He also got onion rings. As for the cigarettes. He is still not without nicotine. He has his vaporizer that his aunt got him for his birthday with 3 bottles of e-liquid and one of them contains nicotine. Upstairs sometimes overwhelming smells of him using it along with this incense kick that he has been on lately. The incense I'm pretty sure started to cover up the smell of cigarette smoke.

Last night when I heard him on the phone... I think a part of me broke. I just felt like crying. I just don't know what else to do. Sure I can give in to him smoking in his room. To what end? Do I next give in to him masturbating and other things in the living room? I give into that then it will be drinking... It will never stop until he is smoking, drinking & using in his room, being a complete slob, off his meds and psychotic.

Either way it's not a life I'm willing to live or have in my home.

I still haven't gotten over my withdrawal from schizophrenia related sites that started in May. I try. I log into the forum almost every morning and check for moderator related flags but the thought of reading and catching up... My Facebook page is suffering. I have not been participating or giving much support in any of the Facebook groups that I'm in. I try to read the posts but reading about more parents and caregivers going through their hell just makes me feel sick. I'm trying so hard to keep myself positive and distance myself from the negative that I can't read too much from others to even give them support.

The other day I responded to a tweet by Coach Amy White of the blog Far From Paradise. She asked what being a caregiver has taught us. My response: It's taught me that I'm stronger then I thought I was and weaker then I though I was.

If you had asked me in 2012 if I had it in me to deal with all that we have been through since, I'm sure I would have looked completely shocked and if I had known what was to come... Maybe I wouldn't have stayed at home and brought him home. But then again, he's my son and I love him and even if I didn't think I had it in me I'm sure I would have done exactly what I did. Knowing what I know now... Yes I would do it all again. So yes I found more strength than I knew that I had.

I have also found weakness. Times like now and the past couple of weeks where I just can't seem to find the fight anymore. I'm sure it's buried deep down somewhere as I always seem to find it.

Imagine where I would be without my antidepressant? ;) I'm tired. Mentally tired. I'm at a lose.

Yes I've lost my muchness... I'm off. Back to my Facebook games where I don't have to think of mental illness. Where the flowers are beautiful and things are made from magic.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Today's word is stupidity

I just spent about half an hour reading 'stupid quotes' on Pinterest. I must say I feel much better now ;) I can't say that I was having a very good morning... really it started last night when I found a bottle of alcohol in my son's room. Add hormones and a husband...

I don't usually use words like stupid or idiot but sometimes...



Friday night my son decides to bike to the liquor store. He didn't even have to ask how to get there. Amazing what he can do when he wants to do it. Hubby and I made it very clear, no alcohol in the house or on the property. Obviously that went in one ear and out the other. First he hid it behind something that is part of the complexes property. After finding one bottle in his room last night, I found another bottle under my back steps this morning. I threw it out. Last night it's how unfair it is that he can't drink here. Really?! How unfair is it to me and my husband to have alcohol in the home when we have fought to become alcohol free and sober? For some who likes to throw around the respect word, he has little to know understanding of it. His soul is 11 trillion years old... A soul that old should have better common sense shouldn't it?

This morning he is asking for my help on looking up places to live on Kijiji (online classifieds). Thank you to the person that gave him that bright idea. He is looking up places in a different city that is part of a different district and therefore a whole different treatment team. But what does he care? He doesn't because his only concern is the ability to drink and smoke marijuana. And smoke in his room as now that's unfair too that he can't.

I was out this morning/afternoon when he got up and when I got home I got him his medications. I asked him who would make sure he takes his pills when he is living on his own? A little while ago he asked me what is for dinner. I don't know... Is it just me that sees this glaring, dare I say stupid opinion that he can live on his own?

Lets move on to hubby... Today he went and got the 3rd cable box since we have moved into the townhouse. Apparently the fact that we are not getting APTN and YTV is of grave concerns to someone. I assure you it's not me because I can do without cable. Between my son who we had already butted heads over this morning and my hormones, I decided staying home while hubby went out was the best option. I'm packing up the cable box and he tells me to pack up the remote too as they were giving us another box. Earlier he had told me that were giving him an older box as they seem to be more reliable. I tell him that the remote works with both boxes as we didn't exchange it last time. Apparently I don't listen. I didn't clarify that the remote is a universal remote... What was the point. He was to busy trying to tell me how he was getting a Motorola box. Ok... Off he goes.



He comes back to say that he didn't need to get a new remote (ahem) but they gave him one anyways. Great. You are sinking it to the TV since the old remote already was. Well you didn't tell me about that... No apparently I was to busy not listening...



There are some days where I truly want to lose it, just a little bit. I almost went with hubby, not because I wanted to but because I knew he wanted me to. Also if I don't handle saying no to going in a 'nice' way then he gets upset. I actually had my coat on... Then stopped myself thinking what the heck? Tough if everyone else is not ok because I'm not ok. Guess what? I'm not ok right now.

My son has barely been back home a week and already the 'honeymoon' phase is pretty much over. I want... I deserve... What rules? Promises and agreements?

I was hoping that I would be able to stay on the lowest dose of Venlafaxine... Will see. Guess what is due today which certainly isn't helping. Today I had a hot-flash combined I guess with not eating enough on the Venlafaxine which had me feeling like crap. Before I started using tinctures and supplements for my menstrual/menopause symptoms, my cycles were getting pretty tough. However for the past 2 years they have been really good. If today is an indication then I guess it's time to up the tinctures and supplements.

I sometimes think that I don't need the whole 'knight in shining armor on a white horse' routine BUT maybe a Page? A knight in training? Someone that could put aside their own feelings, issues or whatnot and be my pillar for a change. Don't get me wrong. I love my hubby and he has his good points. Unfortunately one of them is not the ability to handle my emotions.

Someday's I can't believe how alone I can feel. Just me, sitting here trying to figure out how to stop my son from running off that cliff. I see him running for it and I can't stop him. Addiction, schizophrenia... Whatever. Today my word is stupidity and I'm sticking with it...

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Brown Corduroy and Venlafaxine

I guess it was last Wednesday, after I attended the meeting at the shelter, that my son was given vouchers for the Salvation Army for clothing. I don't know what it is about brown corduroy that attracts him when he is not stable. He got a pair of corduroy pants and a brown coat. When he was in the shelter in September 2014 he found a brown corduroy jacket that he took a liking to. He seems to like the feel of it however I can't say that I like how he looks in these items.

Since last Wednesday hubby and I have seen him fairly frequently. Wednesday night hubby dropped off a carton of cigarettes on his way snow plowing. Thursday my son called, he needed a ride to disability as a check was waiting for him. That was an interesting conversation with his worker. Apparently I was making her feel guilty by trying to make her responsible for the money that office was giving him. Imagine that! Who should I be holding responsible? Avon? Anyways I apologized and stated that I'm frustrating with fighting every system to keep my son stable. He doesn't want to pay me room and board because he wants to buy 'luxury' items or drugs. She received the signed document giving me access to his file yet somehow doesn't seem to have the signed document stating that his room and board was to go into my account even though they were both dropped off and signed at the same time. She wouldn't acknowledge receipt of a fax I had sent the previous week stating my concerns. I can't say how many times I have been tempted to start writing letters to the local newspapers and our MP. I still might...

Eventually my son agreed to pay me room and board for January. I gave him $160 and agreed to allow $50 more for cigarettes that I would hold on to. Friday he was calling me stating that he had spent the $160 at a bar and was out of cigarettes. A carton in 2 days. His case worker from PACT saw him after that phone call and he told her he had $100. Not sure why he lied to her... or me. Friday hubby and I moved so I told my son that I couldn't make this a priority and he was going to have to wait. Saturday on the way to snow plow hubby dropped off 2 packs of cigarettes and $20. Sunday he is calling me that he is almost out of smokes and spent the $20 on junk food. Ya right! Monday we dropped of 4 packs of cigarettes and $5. Yesterday we dropped of 4 packs of cigarettes, some treats and $5. I told him that was it for the extra $50.

Last week I had him give me his tablet and Nvidia gaming system for safe keeping since he wasn't using it. He got into his head he wanted to sell them for furniture. You know for the place that he doesn't have... I told him I would think about buying the tablet from him when he gets a place so that he can buy furniture. Then he wanted me to sell the tablet and game so that he can buy a PSP portable. Hmmm no. I have done this twice now and I'm not doing it again.

He is supposed to get another check from disability tomorrow. He called me this morning wanting me to buy the tablet now so that he can have more money. If I had to hazard a guess at what is happening... It wouldn't surprise me if he is thinking about a plane ticket. If that is the case there is no way that I'm contributing to what I think will be the possible death of someone. Which would mean it's being discussed on a phone that I pay for, behind my back, again. Hopefully I'm wrong but if the past is an indication of the future...

Apparently my son said no to ADAPT for addiction help. He told me that he didn't but I have been told by I think 2 workers that he did. He is somewhat unstable however not unstable enough to not be up to his old tricks it seems. He is missing some doses of his medications. The night he went drinking of course being one of them. Sadly I don't think he has showered since he has been there and has been wearing the corduroys since he got them. Surprisingly he doesn't smell that bad.

Our move on Friday went very well. Thanks to my hubby's family it went quickly. I think this is the first time that I have been responsible for paying for my own electric heat. We pretty much froze for the first couple of days until hubby said that's enough. I guess seeing me sitting at my computer in a sweater, wrapped in a blanket with gloves on was a bit much ;) I just feel bad sometimes. I don't want to be any more of a drain on my hubby's money then I already am. My son does that enough ;) Still I didn't argue when he said turn up the heat. Now a sweater and slippers are manageable. We pretty much have everything set up except for putting up stuff on the walls. Yesterday we put my son's room together.

Tuesday I saw my family doctor for the remainder of my yearly physical. All my blood work looked good. It looks like my iron levels are up and my hemoglobin is now in normal range. I also had him put me on an antidepressant. I think a combination of worry/stress and my hormones are catching up with me. Everything was bothering me and getting on my last nerve. Poor hubby has been getting the brunt of it. My sensitivity to noise has gotten really bad to the point of wanting to cry over things that have only bugged me in the past. To be blunt, I've been a biatch with him since my son went into the shelter. Hubby says I'm losing weight. I've gone most of my life without people telling me I look or sound stressed. Now it's happening too often ;) He put me on Effexor or generic Venlafaxine. Started me on the lowest dose of 37.5 and to double it after 2 weeks. I asked to only stay on the minimum dose as I only want a little help until I can get things back together and I'm going to have to look into counselling. His office gave me some resources to look into. So it's up to me if I want to double it after 2 weeks. I joked with the pharmacist when I picked up the prescription that now it's my turn to be on meds. This is when I noticed that it was Venlafaxine as the doctor called it Effexor. Threw me for a second that I was being put on a medication that my son has been on.

The first dose made me fairly nauseous. Now it's not as long as I eat with it. It may be interfering a bit with sleep but that's hard to tell since my insomnia has been acting up again. I am taking it in the morning as it can cause bad dreams. I have noticed that sounds are not pissing me off as bad so that's a good thing. My doctor also said that it's a good med for menopause so it should be a good fit for what I'm going through. He mentioned hormone replacement therapy however I'm more comfortable treating my menopause with herbs and it's been working until now. I can up what I take for herbal supplements since I don't take the recommended doses anyways.

The day has gotten away from me so I'm off to start a loaf of bread. Make the house smell like home ;)

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

He is.... cycling?

Above picture credit to: Etsy

I have really been trying to work on this lately... with my husband and my son. I'm having better luck with my son then my husband but it's hard in both instances.

Thursday evening for whatever reason my son decided to check his bank account and it looks like he received his HST credit. Awesome! Of course off he goes to the liquor store. There isn't too much that I can do about it. It's legal and it's his money... I got to practice a little of 'keeping my mouth shut.' as my son told me that he didn't agree with  the rule of no alcohol in the home. Sometimes I just have to remind myself: What's the point? I'm not going to get anywhere by arguing or even discussing this with my son. It's the rule. Period.

We went for a car ride as my hubby had to get gas. During this car ride I did discuss with my son that once we move this can't keep happening as he hides the alcohol either in the laundry room of the building or on the grounds. Where we are moving is a family orientated complex and if I start getting warnings because children are finding and drinking his hidden liquor then he will have to go. If he really wants to drink then that is what bars are for. Drinking in public is illegal whether he agrees with that law or not is a mood point.

After we come back he tells me that he is going to visit his 'partner in instability'. He used the transit system. Amazing what he is capable of doing on his own when alcohol and/or marijuana is involved. Maybe this is where he got the idea to check his bank account for money? I didn't say much... Again what can I say? He's 21 today. Crap! I was going to look into bakeries for a cake yesterday and forgot. I will see what hubby thinks about us going to Red Lobster for dinner!

He returned the next afternoon. He didn't take his Invega while there which isn't surprising. Within thirty minutes of being home he wanted me to either take cash from him to put on a Google play account for his Nvidia game or walk with him to the bank or Walmart. I won't even use or put money on these types of accounts for myself so I'm certainly not going to connect my banking information with accounts in his name. So he wanted me to walk to Walmart with him so that he could buy a Google play gift card. I think that's what they are called. I said no. If he could trek to almost the other end of the city on transit by himself then he can go two blocks by himself. He did.

This entertained him for a short period of time... He also wanted to give me money to get him a month of World of Warcraft. Why? He plays it so rarely I don't see the point. Also he can do this himself if he would go to the bank and update his details. He couldn't access his online banking as he got a new bank card while out in British Columbia and his details have changed since we no longer have the home phone and he can't access his old email accounts. So when he tried to access and it asked for information to verify and send a new code... Well it would go to an inactive phone or email. We did hopefully fix this yesterday as I had to go to the bank for loonies for laundry so had him update his details since he came with us.

Friday night he went to bed good and took his Invega and a Trazodone so got a good nights sleep. Still Saturday was him laughing out loud more... And him going to the liquor store again.

So for lack of a better word, he is cycling... Feeding his addiction which in turn is triggering his schizophrenia which cycles into wanting to self-medicate and trying to feel better or fight off the inevitable depression with more alcohol. Or asking me if I think his psychiatrist will prescribe him Ativan/Lorazepam... No he won't because he abuses it and wants to take enough that he is totally sedated which my son agrees is what he wants. We can up his anti-psychotics so that he is totally sedated if that is the goal... That pretty much ended that conversation ;)

I found myself in a bit of dilemma this morning. Yesterday my hubby asked my son where he was hiding his alcohol. Part of me doesn't want to know. My son pointed to where it was... This morning I couldn't resist looking there and sure enough there it was. Do I leave it or throw it out? I decided to throw it out. I'm responsible for the actions of everyone that is living in my apartment which means I'm responsible for my son's alcohol on the premises where it legally is not supposed to be.

Yesterday I bought my son a pill case. I can't be counting pills or trying to micro-manage if he is taking them or not. At least I'm trying not to... This way I can fill it up or he can fill it up once a week with his Invega, Trazodone and Melatonin. I don't have to ask him if he is taking them or not, just look in the pill case. Since he doesn't hide from me if he is taking them or not there should be no reason for him to take them out and put them elsewhere. Hopefully it will also cut down on him getting confused if he has taken something or not. The Olanzapine is a PRN so we didn't add that. His Trazodone is a PRN as well but he is more likely to take it for a good nights sleep.

I did manage to get him in the shower yesterday stating that if he wanted to come do errands with us then he needed to that first. I also gave him a new pair of track pants that I had bought that morning for him as he wears them the most and he gets them stained fairly easily. He spent some money in the dollar store on candy and an energy drink. Thankfully the energy drinks are now down to rarely as we don't buy them anymore. We also stopped at Timmies (Tim Horton's) :)

Next will be getting him to cut his nails... I really don't understand or get this off and on fascination with having long fingernails. If one is going to take care of them and keep them clean that is another story however my son doesn't. I sometimes forget to get him to wash his hands before going out with me.... *mental shudder* when we are in a store line up and he is cleaning his nails and smelling it. Sorry I know that sound gross. It is! However it is the reality of our lives at times. I stop him and tell him that it is not appropriate to be doing that at that time.

Hubby is back from going to see his grand-kids, my son is up and I have dishes to do before I get hubby to dye my hair. One look at my roots right now would definitely give away my real age :)

On a side note. I can't wait to move! Hopefully I'm not going from the frying pan to the fire... However I'm pretty sure not as the complex seems well maintained and monitored as staff is on site several times a day, I am told. My neighbors across the hall... have been enjoying the weekend since Friday afternoon. Started today Sunday morning at 11AM. They have been better lately. Better is still me listening to their music while I'm setting at my computer. Friday night was the clean out of beer bottles. Two stacks as tall as me that sat in the hallway overnight. I just keep reminding myself... soon!

Mom
BarbieBF

Who wants to be depressed?

How do you rationally talk to someone who is being irrational? I guess you don't...

If I could get inside my son's head for 5 minutes and try to figure out what he is thinking or what is motivating his behavior... I have some ideas based on what I know of my son so far.

2 nights ago he got it into his head that it was unfair of me to expect him to sit on the small sofa or love-seat so that hubby and I could have the big sofa. He has rights you know? Yes so do we. Hubby and I did vacate the living room and spent some time in our bedroom partially due to this and partially due to the fact that the power had gone out so we just went to our room. When the power came back on and we were able to get the movie we were watching back on, it was several times asking very nicely, please can you move to the other sofa? According to my son the love-seat is uncomfortable. To clarify the love-seat and the big sofa are the same set and in fact the big sofa is harder and more worn out then the love-seat. He finally agreed to move but wanted to rearrange the living room furniture because of it. I said no and that when he has his own place and his own furniture he can decide where he wants it and who sets were. He won't be inviting me to his place. Honestly I found this somewhat humorous so my tone was light when I responded and told him to remember that when he is calling me with: Mom I have no money. Mom I can't pay my bills or Mom I'm hungry... Off he went to call his Nana...

Later that night, around 12, he was taking a part one of my bookshelves, taking my mouse-pad for my computer and just overall making a racket in his room since his floor is a mess and he can't walk in there without walking on stuff. All this so he could play on his laptop in bed. I think he is playing World of Warcraft again which is good however I will get back to that...

Yesterday, I thought, was a pretty good day. He spend the day in the living room with hubby and I watching movies and going for smokes with us. Once we asked him to walk to the store with us however he didn't see the point in going since I said I wasn't going to spend any money... Hubby had won some free Lotto tickets.

Last night when I saw that he had gone to bed and not taking his pills, I took the dish into him. I'm not taking the Lithium... I tried to talk him into taking half of it as stopping it like that may cause him to get too depressed or even suicidal considering he is not ok right now. He said that he wants to be depressed. I tried... but like I said: How do you rationally talk to someone who is being irrational? He told me to take them. Well I don't have a chemical imbalance of too much dopamine in my brain so I don't need them. He is not a robot... No and these pills would not work on a robot because robots don't have dopamine but he does because he is human. Since I have such a problem with this then I should fix it... That's what I'm trying to do. I told him that what he is saying isn't logical. I have never heard anyone say that they wanted to be depressed. How is he going to take care of himself when he is living in the shared townhouse living that he wants if he is too depressed to take care of himself. That's another thing... He needs a shower. I could smell him from 3-4 feet away. He says that is ok that there is nothing wrong with the smell of BO (body odor). I gave up and went to bed.

Now, today, he is refusing his Olanzapine as well. He has been taking one when he gets up for the past 2 days since I know that he needs it due to the Invega wearing off and it has been helping. Now today... It's a PRN (as needed) and he doesn't need it. I said to him: Can you please explain to me what is going on in your head because I don't understand why you want to be sick? Why do I care so much? Because I love you and I give a crap about your mental health. Oh well, I'm not taking it.

I'm wondering if his wanting to be depressed could have anything to do with him playing World of Warcraft again. His subscription will be running out soon. When I bought the upgrade as an early Christmas present and paid for the monthly subscription it was under two conditions. One he not spend the little money he had on alcohol and two that he was to pay me back for the monthly subscription the following day. Well he didn't pay me back and the money did go on alcohol. He is aware that I cancelled the subscription from charging my credit card again this month. Only time will tell but if I here: Mom I'm depressed so I need you to buy... I'm not saying my son doesn't think that he has experienced depression however I'm pretty sure he has no idea what long-term depression really feels like. Not being euphorically or intensely happy is not depressed. Not being hyper is not depressed. Being bored is not depressed.

My daughter called this morning... Mom I need money... Mom doesn't have any money... I think it's long past time for this to start being a reality for someone other then me and my hubby. The motor is gone in our car, again... I won't rant about this as really in the end it's for me to start putting my foot down and saying no. I'm not mad at my daughter... My love is free but it's time to start looking elsewhere for money.

I need a shower and hubby is home so I'm off...

Mom
BarbieBF