A right of passage

Thought I would give a quick update...

Not a lot has changed over the past week. Getting more comfortable with the job and fitting myself into the schedule my boss wants me on. In my opinion the hours are... Well they are broken up throughout the day. Monday to Friday he wants 11:30 - 1, 4:30 - 6 then 8-10. Friday's 11:30 - 2 and Saturday's 9-1. The 8-10 shift is a no go for me. I'm not giving up what little time hubby and I have together during the week and once I get my son back on a sensible sleep schedule than 8 is our bedtime ;). There is also fact that I'm pretty sure calling after 9 PM is legally not a go. I don't get calling at 9 AM on a Saturday and not at 9 AM during the week when it's expected that people be up. Aside from that I'm booking appointments and have submitted my first invoice. So hopefully I will be seeing some money soon!

On July 6 my son's nurse was here for his weekly visit. Like I told his psychiatrist who was here the following day, I think I held it together pretty good. When I told his nurse about his excessive, not in private, out in public masturbating... His response was that since my son didn't have a girlfriend that masturbating was a right of passage and that him doing it out on the front veranda was behavioral. *pats self on back* for not losing it ;).

They drop of his medications every Friday in a blister pack (medications are in pop-out boxes for each day). Which I think is ridiculous and have told them several times it's not necessary but the PACT team insists on it. I guess they like it because when they visit they can see if patients/clients are taking their medications. Since my son doesn't get himself his meds, I do it, it's pointless. A waste of the pharmacists time and resources (and I think costs the government more money) and means every week someone has to come here on Friday instead of just giving me a months supply in a bottle. Anyways... Because I'm apparently not using the blister pack properly (haha) which means not starting the new pack on Friday when they bring it and instead using up the remainder of the previous blister pack, then his nurse couldn't understand what days medications he had missed. For clarification the blister packs have 7 days. Monday to Sunday. So I start a new one on Monday. Confusing right? His nurse thought so. So when I showed him that my son had missed taking his meds on Tuesday and Thursday, he decided that my son had missed 2 days in a row. Sometimes there is just no point in carrying on a conversation...

He did however set up an appointment for Michael's psychiatrist to come here the next day. I filled him. Let him know that even though I appreciate how his nurse is with Michael and that in that regard he is doing very good, that he doesn't take my concerns seriously or listen to me very well. His psychiatrist makes decisions based on the feedback from the other team members and when that feedback isn't relayed properly then I tend to get a bit upset. It's certainly not the first time I have dealt with this. His first nurse with PACT was bad for that too. She blamed almost everything on behavior. I asked his psychiatrist what to do when this happens. Call in and make an appointment with him.

We discussed medication options and decided to add back the Lithium. *shakes head* I have off and on been suggesting this since he was in the shelter in February. I asked for clarification on who I am thinking about my son's behaviors and if I was completely off track. It's a bit of both I guess. On one hand yes some things are behavioral and I can acknowledge that. Punching and kicking my door, behavioral. Insisting on smoking in his room, behavioral. Not knowing that it is inappropriate to masturbate in front of your mother or out in public because one can't see past the urge to do it, not so much. His psychiatrist agreed that this behavior is not normal even for him and he isn't doing it just to piss me off. The problem though is that upping medications will not necessarily correct this. Upping his Invega could cause the opposite affect of what we are looking for and make his negative symptoms worse. I can understand that. Adding the Lithium back should increase the effectiveness of his Invega and hopefully help with his negative symptoms. I think Lithium tends to act like an antidepressant with Michael whereas actual antidepressants do him no good. Why would they? In the bigger picture he is not depressed. He is experiencing negative symptoms which is different.

The Lithium was dropped off on Wednesday. Of course he missed his medications on Thursday due to alcohol. If anyone thinks that alcohol is harmless... Come see what I see. It's far from harmless for my son. It's keeping him unstable and robbing him of a future. Hopefully we have a 3 week break from it and I can work on getting him started on some sort of stability.

He has his days and nights mixed up again. I'm reminding him several times throughout the night to take his pills however he isn't taking them until morning and then sleeping. If it happens again tonight I think I may just let him miss them and try to start fresh tomorrow night.

As for the smoking in his room. It's a constant battle. Thursday night I found his whiskey bottle in his room. His psychiatrist agreed with me that Michael most likely has ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and sadly trying to discipline around and keep the appropriate boundaries is even more important due to the ODD. You let one slip and they all go. The mess he is making of his bedroom floor :(. They are shellacked and he throws his cigarettes on them when I walk into his room so I won't see it. Oh yes... According to him he is accidentally smoking in his room. Haha. Because you accidentally close your bedroom door, light an incense to cover up the smell and find something to use for an ashtray. Sometimes that is his garbage can with liquids thrown in it. I have removed his garbage can. He doesn't use it for actual garbage anyways. I have tapped a note to the top of the stairs that says 'no smoking, leave your smokes downstairs' and another one to his bedroom door. At least he can't pretend like he doesn't know the rule :).

The last day or so it's cigarettes... I have warned him and warned him that I'm quit and I'm not supplying him with cigarettes. He knew this when hubby took him to get cigarettes. He got 2 cartons which he now doesn't like. Where we go you can actually smoke in the store and you can try every kind of cigarette that they have to see if you like them. He tried them. I'm guessing he was more concerned with getting the cheaper ones so that he had money for alcohol. His choice. I also gave him the cigarettes that we had gotten for him from before which was another 4 packs. Yesterday he wanted me to buy him a couple of packs with the extra money he is giving me. He isn't giving me any money. Disability is sending me MY portion of his payments. I didn't respond to this comment at all. Then it was can he have a pack of hubby's. Hubby doesn't keep his cigarettes in the home anymore and he wasn't home yesterday. Kinda sad that we can't even keep our own things in our own home. Hubby is also quitting. We just got him patches too. So Michael I'm afraid is going to be shit out'a luck in the smoking department. The kicker though is that he does have cigarettes. He just doesn't like them.

So today is my day off! Yeah! I have to finish the laundry I started yesterday evening. I really need to clean the floors as Michael has spelt pretty much everything, everywhere. I need to wash his blankets too. Still haven't gotten him in the shower :(. He did have a bath on Monday night however that had more do with him liking being in the bathtub when he is drunk. God I hate alcohol!

I guess that wasn't a quick update after all. :)

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I have a job! I think... They are back!

It feels like forever since I last blogged and it's only been a week. What a week. I think for the first time in years I can say that I'm glad it's Sunday! So unless you're my daughter, my husband or an emergency, chances are I will not be answering my phone today.

Hubby has been teasing me because I'm usually the one commenting that we go to bed too early and since Wednesday I have been asking him to come to bed anytime after 7. My insomnia certainly hasn't been an issue lately. ;) I've been exhausted. A good exhausted though.

I was put in touch with someone regarding a work from home opportunity. On June 29 I received a call asking if I was available for training that night. Yes! The job itself is fairly easy. It's pre-screening callers to see if they qualify. I had heard the term inside sales before however I wasn't sure exactly what it meant. Now I know. Well at least from this company's perspective. There have been a couple of bumpy spots as I try to learn the system and what is expected of me. Still not completely sure of what is expected of me time wise but that's ok. I still have tons of questions that haven't been answered. Hopefully in time the answers will come. As I learn more about how it works the more confident I feel doing the work. The reason I say I think I have a job is because it hasn't really been confirmed. I guess we could call this my probationary period.

For the past week I have been mentally all in, trying to learn the ropes. I think I'm getting the hang of it pretty good. I know that I can be a little slow getting started. Ask my old bosses! ;) However once I have something, you can usually count on me to carry through and go the extra mile. Tell me what you need and I will do my best to accommodate. If you don't tell me... Well I will give you what I think you need and hope for the best. Which is what I'm currently doing.

So yes bed looks and feels really good now! It feels good to go to bed tired. A good tired. Not like when I go to bed exhausted from butting heads, with no end in sight, with schizophrenia, addiction and all it entails. That exhaustion is grueling and wearing on the soul.

I'm afraid I have nothing good to report on my son. His Invega still has not been upped. His case worker dropped off his weekly medication pack on Friday stating that his nurse has not been in so nothing has been done. Awesome!

Tuesday he got his disability money. Of course that meant a trip to the liquor store for vodka. Hubby did take him to buy cigarettes first. He got 2 cartons. One of them is almost gone. He has missed taking his medications twice. Once he argued with me that he had taken them, that I had given him his medications twice that night. Wednesday he wouldn't take them because of the alcohol he had drank. Saying it would make him sick. I don't know if he still has alcohol left. He bought two bottles and so far I have only seen one bottle in the garbage. He hasn't been out to his 'secret spot' that I'm aware of for the past two days. I don't know if it's because he has forgotten or just doesn't want to. Or the ever present possibility that he has snuck it into his room.

I did give him back the internet however I let him know that it's dependent on me finding out that he is smoking in his room or not. I think he is a little bit however not like he was. I know this because I'm hearing him come in and out all hours of the night.

Yesterday he stressed me out. I was working and he was sitting out front. Our front porch is part of one of the court yards where all the kids play and hang out. I happened to look out... Thank goodness he was wrapped in a blanket but what he was doing was obvious. I quickly went out and stopped or interrupted him and told him to get inside. Of course his answer was no that he was done now. Thankfully there was no kids out there when I went out. I'm really hoping that there wasn't before hand. :( Yes I freaked a little bit. But only a little bit. I let him know that that was not acceptable and that there are children playing and if a parent or child sees him doing that that they can call the police for doing indecent acts in public. I sincerely hope that no one else saw. Mental illness or not I don't think that having schizophrenia excuses that type of behavior and honestly I think his drinking is contributing to this behavior more then psychosis.

Speaking of that. Lately that is another thing that he has been trying to do. Blame schizophrenia. I have schizophrenia so it's not my fault that I'm smoking in my room. It's schizophrenia's fault that I kicked your bedroom door. Take me for a ride as it would really help my psychosis... Even he couldn't keep a straight face for long when I responded with: Good one.

It seems he kicked my bedroom door when I thought he punched it the second time. No memory lapses here. He remembers, just feels justified in doing it. Gucci our poor cat is now freaked out by him. She totally freaked when he did this. I have never seen her act like that. She hid behind the sofa for most of the night that night. Now even if she is relaxing on my bed with me and she hears him on the steps, she tenses and is ready to flee. She won't eat if he is around. I have noticed that she isn't sleeping with me the same. A couple of times I have found her sleeping on my chair downstairs which is new. Perhaps she feels trapped upstairs when he is up there.

The fruit flies are back! Yippee! I haven't been in my son's room much over the past week. After I cleaned it the last time I have pretty much avoided it. I know he is making a mess in there and honestly I just couldn't have cared a less. It seems pointless sometimes to even try and keep it neat or clean. I should have clued in after the last time. But no... I have been noticing them coming back and shaking my head as to why no matter how much I'm keeping the kitchen clean they are still there and in the living room. Last night Michael asked me to scratch his back so I went into his room and moved his garbage can. Yup you guessed it. Fruit flies.

I guess I have some caregiver chores to do today. Hubby had to work today so I'm just enjoying my quiet morning and my Facebook games. Once my son gets up I will 'try' to get him to help me clean his room. Even if that only means him holding the garbage bag ;). I still haven't gotten him in the shower so today is shower day for both of us since I need one too. I noticed my armpits... hmmm yeah. They  never smell. I guess I have been stressing while learning this job more then I thought.

Time for a fresh cup of coffee. Oh yeah. I'm still quit smoking! There was a couple of iffy moments over the past week where I really wanted one but I didn't. I think this job is helping some. It's not part of my routine to smoke while doing it which seems to be helping. Hours will pass where I don't even think about it. When the urge hits I do have nicotine lozenges.

I hope everyone here in Canada enjoyed their July 1st, Canada Day celebrations and that our neighbors to the south in the US enjoyed their July 4th, Independence Day celebrations.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Excuse me while this snob cleans your room.

The last couple of days and certainly last night and this morning are not going to good. After my last blog post Michael did start taking his Olanzapine again so only missed the one night. The week ended and the weekend was quiet.

Monday when his nurse arrived I brought up that my son had agreed to try upping his Invega from 6 mg to 9 mg as we had discussed it and he agreed. Or so I thought... We had not discussed upping the Invega to replace him coming off the Olanzapine however that seems to be what his intentions were. His nurse said that he would discuss it with his treatment team.

Michael had also brought up to me wanting to try using vitamins. I cautioned him that this can work for some however not everyone and that for the people it do work for, they take lots of supplements sometimes several times a day. Also he needs to be on them for at least several months for the levels to build up in his system before even thinking about reducing medications to see if it will work. For one day he took all the supplements I gave him. The next day refused the Omega 3, a really important one if this is going to work, and nothing since that.

As of Tuesday things have been going down hill again.

I have no idea what prompted it however he didn't take his Invega or Olanzapine on Tuesday night and was up all night. I can't tell you exactly what he was up to other then some odd stuff.

In the middle of the night, one of the times that I got up to check on him, he was totally naked and acting guilty. I didn't really register this until I was back in bed. I reminded him about his pills and left it at that.

Wednesday morning he was lying on the sofa covered up with his blanket. I won't go into detail other then based on the sounds I was hearing and how he was lying... I'm pretty sure he was masturbating. Several times I 'interrupted' him and finally told him if he was going to keep doing it that he needed to go to his room. Off he went.

Later that morning I went into his room to clean as it was getting ridiculous in there. Even though I hadn't caught him again it was obvious he was smoking in there as there was more and more ashes and tobacco all over where he was putting them out on lord knows what since he had no ashtray. The first things I noticed was that he had sometime during the night grabbed the hammer and the knife sharpener. No I don't know why and he wouldn't tell me. I moved a box to clean and behind it was cigarette butts and his Olanzapine. So that is where he was stashing what he didn't want me to find.

I took the hammer, knife sharpener and Olanzapine downstairs and calmly asked him what he was doing with the hammer and knife sharpener. Like I said, he wouldn't tell. Just said the he thought he might need them for something. Then I asked him if we were back to him hiding his pills from me. His response was to tell me to stop being such a snob and that I had no right to yell at him or give him attitude for not taking his Olanzapine. One, I wasn't yelling and two, the point was that he hid them from me not that he didn't take them and three, he was still smoking in his room and lying to me about it.

I went back up to continue cleaning and vacuuming his room. Under his table I found his Invega. He says he didn't take them because he didn't sleep. They are no longer sedating for him so that is not logical. They do however slow his mind down so that he can sleep. Anyways this logic made sense to him :). I asked him for his cigarettes as they need to stay downstairs since I can't trust him. He handed them over then out of the blue told me dinner the night before was disgusting (it wasn't). No worries I won't be making dinner tonight... I got told to fuck off.

I let him know that he just lost his cigarettes (hubby bought them). A little while later I noticed that he was going outside and leaving the yard. Red flag. I went upstairs and checked and sure enough he had gone into my closet and grabbed a pack of smokes. I asked for them back... got called a bitch so I disconnected the internet.

We didn't talk much the rest of the day ;). Somewhat later he asked me what was for dinner. Before you think that he was psychotic or whatnot and didn't remember what had happened, he did. He was very much aware of what he said to me and it wasn't said spur of the moment. It was said on purpose. I told him whatever he made for himself. Hubby and I went out... He made himself noodles.

After we returned my son asked to talk. Stating it wasn't his fault that it was because he didn't take his pills and was up all night. If he took his pills that night could he have his cigarettes back. It wasn't my fault that he didn't take his pills either and I don't deserve to be talked to like that. I told him I wasn't going to negotiate with him about taking his pills. He needs to take them because he needs to take them and no he wasn't getting his cigarettes back that day.

He took his pills :), went to sleep early and as far as I know slept through the night. Yesterday morning I gave him a pack of cigarettes. We had a short conversation about what happened and he acknowledged that I didn't yell at him and that he guesses he needs to take his pills for now. My first thoughts were: Yeah, some insight. No... He was just saying what he thought I needed to hear.

At dinner time he asked for the internet back. I agreed however let him know that moving forward he was going to be losing it for longer for swearing at me so forewarned.

Last night he asked me to rub his back. He started talking about his Olanzapine being poison so he wouldn't take it. Took the Invega. Delusional talk about forcing his body to sweat was building up muscle and made up words stating that he had learned in chemistry in school. I did chemistry for three years and I don't recall that word. Well I went to school in Newfoundland and that place is... hmm I forget the word he used but not a nice one. For starters I also went to high school in Ontario and Newfoundland however surprising it may seem (Canadians will understand the reference) had a much harder curriculum. I told him that I thought he was being delusional, that he wasn't making sense to me and went to bed.

Several time between 9 and 3:30 I checked on him and kept reminding him to take his Olanzapine. By 3:30 he started asking for cigarettes and banging on walls. His bedroom wall is also my husband's bedroom wall (remember he has his own room for sleeping) and it was waking me up in my room. Once I gave him a cigarette then told him no because he will be out of cigarettes by noon if I gave him a pack them. 3:30 he stating he was going to make coffee...

Hubby was nice this morning and fed Gucci (our cat) so she wasn't doing her usual head-butting. I got to sleep in until 6 (if you can call being constantly woken up, sleeping in) when Michael came in and got me up asking for his cigarettes. I gave him a pack. As I'm walking down the stairs I'm noticing finger prints and smudges all over the walls. Same in his room even though I had washed the smudges off on Wednesday. Now two of his bedroom walls are full of them again. He says it's from him punching the walls and skin coming off. I did find his empty Olanzapine wrapper so I'm guessing he did finally take it sometime between 3:30 and 6.

As I was walking down the stairs he said that he wanted to talk to me about something. I'm pretty sure it's about either money or most likely marijuana as yesterday he told me that he hasn't been happy for over a year now so he should be able to smoke some now can we discuss it. No we cannot. No amount of sympathy gaining/manipulation is going to make me agree to marijuana. Anyways I just told him this morning that whatever it is he wants to talk about is going to have to wait because I just got up and I would like some coffee.

A little later he sits in the living room. He knows that his bothers me. He puts his feet on the coffee table, usually with shoes on (like this morning) and bounces his legs/feet. So the coffee table is making a racket, the floor is vibrating and I haven't even finished my first cup of coffee. After several times telling him to stop it he finally went to his room. Of course he is up there making a racket that he says he isn't.

I guess it's a combination of his ADHD and schizophrenia that when he gets a bit unstable he becomes very loud physically. He doesn't walk, he stomps. He doesn't sit, he drops/plunks onto furniture. He isn't gentle with anything that he touches or uses.

I guess that good thing I can try to take away from this is having a better idea of where his stability is at (or not at). If missing one dose of medications is going to have this affect than it's good to know. Although there is something else that I have been pondering and didn't mention. I guess it was two weekends ago when hubby and my son got their hair cut. Well while at the barber we ran into his 'friend' from across the hall at the old apartment. Hubby and I tried to keep an eye on them talking just in case there was an exchange of any type (marijuana). We didn't see anything and I have been trying not to over think it however he has been starting to slip since shortly after that. Combine this with some of the guilty behavior that I have been seeing like hiding his hands under the blanket when I walk into his room when he isn't smoking cigarettes, him stating yesterday that he must have been going through withdrawal or something... has me wondering. He has been keeping his hoodies on and it's not hot in here which used to be a red flag for him having stuff on him. I have checked them when I can and haven't found anything however that doesn't mean anything. Throw in Michael now asking me about letting him smoke it when that hasn't been brought up in a long time... Oh well.

*fingers crossed* that when/if his case worker from PACT drops off his medications today that his Invega has been upped. I'm not counting on it but it would be nice. Oh yeah... He missed group on Wednesday which sucks as it was strawberry picking.

On a good note, I might have a job! Talked to a lady yesterday and went over what the position is. Basically inside sales, from home. Something a little new to me although I do have some knowledgeable of the concept, requirements and expectations since I did work for a recruiting firm for over 9 years.

I did quit smoking on Sunday. So far, so good. Wednesday was a bit of a test ;). The patches are really helping so I'm rarely getting cravings. When I do then I also have lozenges which I'm using about 3 times a day. Like now :).

My goal today. Getting my son in the shower. It's been weeks and it's been a bit since I washed him. Also the last shower he did have, didn't help much. The big question: How to accomplish this?

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Rockin' the Boat, A Mustang & Several Cans of Worms.

Yesterday I had such a great day! Seriously it was all good. Tuesday I got hit with major sedation from my antidepressants. I'm guessing due to it having build up in my system. Yesterday I woke up with the urge to do things... By 9 AM I was already thinking about the things I wanted to make/bake. I made beef jerky, cookies, bread, cheese crackers and tried a new rice recipe for dinner. Cleaned the fridge and did some rearranging in the kitchen. Monday I spent several hours vacuuming and de-cob-webbing our unfinished basement. I knew then that my antidepressants were doing their thing ;).

Last night my son decided to throw a wrench in things. Out of the blue he doesn't need/want his Olanzapine. It's time to try and go off them... Because barely a month of regaining some stability is long enough, I guess.

I'm sitting here trying really hard not to be pissed. For the past 3-4 weeks both myself and my hubby have been nothing but supportive and understanding. I have been patiently cleaning up his messes. Spending quality time with him doing things like messaging and scratching his back, brushing his hair, filing his nails, cuddling and even flossing his teeth. Yup you read that right. His teeth are mess. When the ashtray in the back yard, that is only 3 feet away from him, is to far away; that's ok, I take it too him. I have picking up his garbage, hosing down the yard due to his spitting... What do I ask for in return? Not very much. Perhaps that is the problem. I have been expecting way too little. In my quest to be understanding I am making things way to easy for him, again.

In my last blog post I mentioned him smoking in his room. Another thing that I have been very patient about. I have not yelled at him. I have said very little actually unless I catch him doing it. I have been keeping an eye out and finding what he uses for ashtrays when I can so that I can 'remind him' that there is no smoking in his room. A couple of times I have found the cups or containers that he uses and have removed them. For the past couple of days I haven't been able to find anything. Smart little bugger he is... He forgot this morning to put the lid back on the peanut can that he has been using. The one I thought was full of peanuts. It was full of cigarette butts.

Last weekend hubby got my son another carton of cigarettes as he has gone through 3 cartoons in just over 2 weeks. Of course smoking in his room means that he is smoking even more.

My son agreed last night to take his Olanzapine this morning... Yes as I'm sure you guessed, so far that has not happened. After I found the 'peanut can', I was thinking to myself: 'Do I really want to rock the boat and bring it up?'; as I didn't want to trigger his ODD defiance and cause him to not take the Olanzapine. Honestly what am I thinking... I'm not triggering his ODD. I'm not rockin' the boat... He is. I'm the one 'walking on eggshells' to not rock it and to what end?

I let him know this morning that if he isn't going to take the Olanzapine then he needs to call his nurse and let him know and discuss upping his Invega from 6 mg to 9 mg. Can I do it for him since I'm the one that seems to have a problem with this. Yes I absolutely have a problem with him going into psychosis, losing touch with reality and possibly one of us getting hurt. I can't hold him accountable for symptoms that he has no control over however he can be accountable for making choices that are going to cause a re-emergence of these symptoms. If he is going to make these decisions then he needs to be responsible for them and letting his treatment team know.

I also put away the rest of the carton of cigarettes that my hubby just got and let him know that I will give him a pack a day and they need to stay downstairs, not in his bedroom. Enough is enough. If hubby and I can smoke outside or in the basement then Michael can too and he is just going to have to figure that one out. I wonder how many times I have typed 'enough is enough'. Probably not enough ;) and certainly I need to have better follow through on these things or my son will just continue to break the rules with no consequences.

Ah yes the mustang. Hubby seems to be going through a phase. I feel a bit bad. I know how much he wants one and I won't tell him that he can't have one. He is the one earning a pay check after all. We did take one out for a test drive...

I'm not much for knowing about cars... She does look and sound nice though. Certainly suits hubby. It doesn't suit anything else though. The back seat was very cramped and he would lose a lot of functionality in the front as well. If it was just hubby and I, there would have been zero questions and we probably would have purchased it.

Hubby texted me this morning that one of the credit cards didn't work. I haven't been keeping close tabs on our accounts over the last week. Not that it would have mattered as some things came up that needed to be attended to. Hubby is now completely in debt in his name ;) Actually he has no more credit left and his bank account is in overdraft. Oops.

I hadn't heard from my daughter for a couple of days. Never a good thing. If she doesn't call me on the way to work, then she probably isn't working. She called me last night. She lost her painting job. That was coming and I'm surprised it took that long. She has issues with getting to work on time and having enough bus money to even get to work. She refuses to ask me for help unless it's absolutely necessary. Both hubby and I gave her some 'loving advice' on asking me for help. Regardless of where we are at financially we will gladly help her with getting a bus pass for the month. Same with getting to the doctor for a bladder infection that she has had for a long time now. She doesn't have money for the prescription. Get to the doctor and let me know how much it will cost. Good lord... She is struggling to be independent and to be strong. She is struggling to pay her rent, she is struggling to even take care of herself properly and she isn't succeeding. She needs to come home because she is taking on the responsibility of way to much and to many people where she is.

I meet with my worker at ADAPT on Tuesday. Still doing intake or background information. She asked me about complicated relationships. Haha! All of them! Some I have let go to the wayside as I really don't need them. Some are a little harder as I can't walk away from them. I have an idea of which ones play on me the most as they are the ones that my negative thoughts are on loop about and part of the reason I'm on Venlafaxine.  To stop that negative loop that I dislike and I seem to have little control over lately. There is no closure or resolution.

I'm grateful and already this lady has helped me on two occasions with helping me to see what I was missing. Once regarding my husband and on Tuesday. She commented that my feelings on one relationship seemed to be motivated by fear. I know that my anger is usually fueled by something else. Hurt feelings and betrayal are the normal culprits and still do play a part however I completely overlooked fear. She was right. Fear of the damage that it has caused and continues to cause, on occasion. Damage that I have so little control over. I can usually put things behind me however I'm having trouble with this one. To the point where I'm on guard because I feel I have to be or I could easily lose my cool again. I don't like doing that.

Last weekend hubby and I found a store that sells semi-permanent titanium or grey hair dye. I have been looking for silver but no luck so far. As I have been watching my grey slowly grow in, I have been liking it. Hubby says he likes it too. So I want to highlight it with grey. I would do it myself but I don't think I could manage seeing to pull my hair through every second row of the cap.

I think I'm going to try printing my resume and taking it over to the pet store that is just around the corner. I held off as my son was interested for all of what, 24 hours... I'm no way comfortable with the idea of working full time right now as my poor home would be in shambles but part-time. I was excited a couple of weeks ago about another work from home opportunity however after looking into some reviews it appeared to be mostly another scam where you pay a lot of fees with little to no guarantee of work.

Michael has been attending the group meetings through PACT for the past 3 weeks. Thought I would throw that in there!

My quit date for quitting smoking is this weekend. Wish me luck!

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sick is as sick does

Yes a lame attempt at a pun on words by Forest Gump's quote: Stupid is as stupid does...

I did get a call back on Thursday from my son's nurse that the psychiatrist was discontinuing the Latuda and reinstating the Olanzapine. ;)

Sadly that hasn't fixed everything as I had hoped. I think we may be heading for an hospitalization if he doesn't start taking care of himself physically. The hand gestures have pretty much stopped or is happening every now and then. Getting him off the Latuda was a good thing. The problem is that he started making himself sick. He has been making himself vomit... So he has barely kept any food down since last week. He is drinking lots of fluids which is good but it's not enough.

We have Pepto-Bismol and Gravol but getting him to take it is another story. It's taken me about 3 days of asking to finally get him to take a Gravol today. As far as I can tell he hasn't vomited today however he is again refusing to take anything so that he won't. I have been trying not to nag as I don't want to trigger his ODD and cause him to get defiant about taking his Invega and Olanzapine.

He hasn't been doing anything except making messes ;) I have been having to hose down areas of the backyard sometimes a couple of times a day. Between him spitting, leaving food items and garbage and even vomiting, it's been fun... Finally I put a bucket out for him which I'm having to dump and clean. Poor hubby. Watching my son make himself sick and listening to it, has been making my hubby want to be sick and he can't be around it. If he wasn't my son I would probably be the same.

It's gotten to the point where I'm moving the ashtray outside to where he is sitting because if I don't he is putting his cigarettes out on the table. When I point it out to him he says he doesn't remember doing it.

I commented today in a group I'm in about how to handle aggression. My helpful hint was to try to remember how we acted when they were small. Ignore the negative behaviors if you can. Yes I know... that doesn't really work with everything. I was thinking today that it sucks because at least with a child you can tell them that if they can't carry drinks without spilling etc then they can't carry drinks. Try telling that to a 21 year old that is spilling drinks everywhere or leaving opened freezes everywhere. I found one leaking all over my magazines. One today making a sticky mess in the backyard.

He had a bath today... He walked by me and phew... Several times a day he has been wanting me to message his back as well as at bedtime and cuddle with him. I told him today that I couldn't tonight if he didn't get clean.

You may not remember the brown corduroys that he got when he was in the shelter the last time. They came out last week. Finally one night I went into his room and put them in the laundry. Thankfully he gets undressed for bed. There was no way he was wearing them another day if I could help it. I'm debating getting rid of them and told him so. He said ok. They never did fit him right and so they have been falling off him.

So it's pretty much a waiting game right now on whether he will start eating and keeping it down.

*fingers crossed*

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Bye bye Latuda

I was really hoping or had high hopes for the Latuda as I have heard of good results with it. However the small positives that I have seen are in no way outweighing the negatives. Honestly I'm not sure that the small positives I have seen are even as a result of the Latuda. The only positives I have been seeing is my son sometimes picking up after himself and making himself things to eat which most likely can be attributed to years of me trying to install this habit in him.

My hubby took my son out with him to clean the car on Saturday and they came back with these for Mother's Day:

My son came downstairs where I was doing laundry and gave them to me saying: I thought these would do you. Meaning he picked them out and thought I would like them. He was right!

As I mentioned on Friday he went to the liquor store. I don't think he drank everything on Friday although I can't say when he finished it. One day earlier in the week he threw out the empty bottles. This time he  managed to hide them so that they weren't obvious.

After I cut the Latuda from 80 mg to 40 mg it was still several days before he actually took it and kept it down. He has been vomiting off and on. I wasn't sure if it was the Latuda causing this or not but I'm pretty sure that it is. Although part of it could also be how much he is smoking.

On Monday his new nurse visited. He seems nice... Sometimes my husband will comment that we need someone with more experience. I tend to agree ;) I don't know if it's that I'm so involved in researching medications or watching for signs, however I find that most of his treatment team just don't seem to get it. Maybe I think that I know more then I do. I know what I'm seeing and I know what my gut is telling me and I'm listening.

First I got the run down on cutting pills in half... Hmm... Ok way beyond that. I did my research first. I think I may have gotten chastised for cutting the dose as "How is the doctor going to know if the medication is working as prescribed?" The dose as prescribed was landing my son in an hallucinating state that could have had him suicidal if I hadn't intervened. So thanks for the input but my son is my priority not the doctor.

My son was looking at his nurse, not listening to him, and smiling to the point of almost laughing. His nurse was glad to see him happy... I found that a bit ludicrous, no pun intended. He's not 'happy', he's experiencing symptoms. My son continues to deny voices and hallucinations if asked outright if he is experiencing them. It's obvious that he is. Something I have difficulty pinpointing is the difference between intrusive thoughts and voices. Personally I think that are pretty close to each other with voices perhaps being one step above intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts implies that they are intruding or not wanted however if one is welcoming them then one wouldn't consider them intrusive. Still they are not, for lack of a better description, our own thoughts. So I asked about the difference. His nurse explained to me the difference between thoughts and voices. I guess he missed the word 'intrusive'.

Monday and Tuesday he managed to keep down the 40 mg doses of Latuda. Yesterday (Wednesday) he vomited twice. Once all over the bathroom. That was fun to clean up ;). Since Friday he has started with hand movements, like he is flicking something. It has been progressively getting worse. Now he is doing it almost all the time about once every minute or less. If I hold the hand that is doing it, he starts with the other hand. He says that it isn't bothering him however it IS bothering me because I know it shouldn't be happening. The last 2-3 days he has become very needy in wanting me to cuddle with him. Wanting to sit almost on me on the sofa. Wanting me to file his nails and rub and scratch his back. I'm doing my best to accommodate this change and spend more time with him. Last night he wanted to sleep in my bed. Sadly this is something I'm not comfortable with however I did hold him for awhile in his bed.

Yesterday morning I talked to his case worker. She has been with us since, I think, July of last year. Possibly before that. One thing that I truly appreciate about her is that she listens to me. She doesn't cut me off mid-sentence when I'm telling her about what I'm seeing (his new nurse does as have others). In fact she has commented what a good thing it is that my son has me. She doesn't question the decisions that I make when it comes to medications. Like I said, she listens. So she knows that I make the decisions that I do with some knowledge of what I'm doing. At least that is how I'm reading it ;). I feel reasonably confident that what I tell her gets relayed to the psychiatrist with the appropriate emphasis on the concerning things that I see. With all the others... not so much. Even if she doesn't agree with what I'm doing she doesn't chastise me for it, instead brings it to the attention of his psychiatrist.

Yesterday his case worker and I agreed that my son is regressing. That what I'm seeing is not right for my son. I could tell that his hallucinating is getting worse again. He is lost. Goes the cupboard and doesn't seem to know what he is there for. I could tell by how he is walking that he is mentally lost. Some of his behavior has been almost child-like. After he vomited yesterday evening I told my hubby that Dr. Barb is saying no more Latuda. ;) I've tried to give it a chance however enough is enough.

This morning I called PACT and left a voice message as I know they are having their team meeting today with the psychiatrist and I wanted them to be aware of what I was doing. Last night I gave my son 10 mg of Olanzapine. He seems quite willing to go back on it. Yup, conundrum that he is! He was put on the Latuda because he decided to come off the Olanzapine. *sigh* I gave it to him around 8:30 last night. Put him to bed shortly after, spending time with him cuddling. Found out that there was a war going on his head... When I checked on him around 10, he was sleeping and snoring! As if that was a sound I ever thought I would be happy to hear and I was! I don't think he has had a sound sleep for over two weeks now.

I haven't been in the backyard for the past couple of days as it's been a bit chilly. I went out there this morning as when I looked out there I saw a pile of cigarette butts on the patio table. There is an ashtray on the other side of the table. I guess it was too far away and my son has been butting out his cigarettes on the table. There was butts everywhere. Some of them I could tell hadn't even been put out but went out on there own. It's a good thing there is no smoking in most of the house or there is a distinct possibility we could have been dealing with a house fire. I cleaned them up.

His nurse called me back after receiving my message this morning. I sat there silently fuming as he chastised me for making medication decisions without the psychiatrists ok. Finally I got blunt with him and told him that I'm going to do what I think is best for my son. I know what he has been prescribed and why. Keeping him on medications that are not working and making him worse, regardless of the doctor's orders is not going to happen. He kept cutting me off when I tried to explain what I have been seeing. Basically we ended the call with me saying that my son's psychiatrist should have enough understanding of me by now to know that I'm going to do what I think is best. If history is any indication he has yet to go against any of my decisions and I seriously doubt that he will this time either. The goal is to keep my son out of the hospital not put him there.

I think I need to do some research on medications. I think we need one that only affects dopamine and not serotonin as well, as most of them do. For me the only question right now is what dose of Olanzapine. Previously he was taking 20 mg a day which is supposed to be maximum dose and I would rather not go back to that if we don't have to.

Today he seems a bit better. The hand thing is still going strong. I'm guessing that will take time to go away however if I don't see an improvement in it within the next day or so I will be addressing it further.

We had our follow up appointment with ADAPT on Monday. It's at the mall which is like a 10 minute walk. My son will not be continuing with them. Voluntary and all that crap and he doesn't think that drinking 400 ml of 40% alcohol is a problem. So there you have it. I'm going to continue with them. I need the support and help learning to better cope with being the parent of an addict with mental illness. I have already booked an appointment for next month and registered with some sessions on the 25th and 26th. They also offer support and funding for quitting smoking so I'm going to get hubby and I registered so that hopefully they can provide us with free patches!

I did start the process of registering with a company for work from home opportunities. Been meaning to finish that for the past couple of days.

I wrote a piece for a book that I'm going to be participating in. It's currently pinned to the top of my Facebook page if any of my readers who are parents or caregivers are interested in telling their story and helping to support the non-profit that is putting it together. You can find my Facebook link on the side of this blog or by clicking above.

May 17-23 is Schizophrenia Awareness Week. I had grand intentions of creating a whole lot of literature and informational pieces to highlight on my Facebook page and the event that I created. I still have today and tomorrow...

PS: He has been continuing to take his Invega!

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Latuda Roller Coaster

It's been a bit of an interesting week. When my son's case worker stopped by on Monday to drop off his medications for the week and check in, I told her that what I have been seeing is different. I didn't know how to explain different... Just that I wasn't sure that I liked what I was seeing. The Latuda seemed to be helping however in some ways it wasn't.

He went from Friday to Tuesday barely eating. Even though he was going to bed he wasn't sleeping good and he wasn't napping during the day either.

Monday evening he randomly hugged me... Good sign right?

Tuesday he asked for the internet back. I asked him if he remembered the things that he had said to me and he replied that he remembered all of it. I asked if he still felt justified in saying what he did. Yes err no... He was upset. Ok I can understand that. I let him know that threatening me was illegal and reminded him that he had threatened to hurt me. He told me that he would never hurt me. Didn't I know that? That's the crutch isn't it? My son, Michael, would never hurt me. Psychosis and alcohol on the other hand is a different story. I gave him back the internet, not that he has used it, and told him that we really need to work on his anger issues.

We talked about his tobacco use. He told me that I had agreed that if he bought one tube of tobacco that I would buy him two. Ok we need to get to the bottom of where these misconceptions are coming from. When did I say that? I didn't but another time I told him that if he bought one carton of cigarettes then I would buy him two cartons. Yes I did do this once because he had spent his money on furniture for his room. Grrr... It does get irritating that whenever I do something nice that it gets turned into something like this. So I made it clear that I would get him some tobacco like I said I would but not two tubes and next month I don't plan on helping with this again.

I talked to his worker at disability and let her know that they are still deducting $40 from his payments due to the supposed over payment of him collecting disability from two provinces at once. This should be fixed for next payment so that they are only deducting $10. The drug cards finally got faxed over to the pharmacy that is supplying his medications and starting next month they should be mailing them to me.

I also tried to address the alcohol... It's not helping him. It's depressing him and triggering anger. He is not a happy drunk when he drinks now. It's seriously impairing him and his functionality. Off he went to the liquor store anyways...

I know he thinks I'm being hard on him however I can't continue to support his drinking and we are not spending more money on his tobacco then we do our own. We shouldn't have to. Hubby has been talking about quitting again. Maybe we should. It's harder to tell my son no when we are smoking.

Wednesday morning he started drinking at 9 AM. I didn't say anything... thought I guess I should be happy that he didn't drink it all the day before. Sad isn't it when that is what I'm left with... Back to the different that I noted at the beginning of this post. I haven't had much experience in seeing my son actively hallucinate. Things don't usually get that far here. I asked my son if he was hallucinating and he said no. Now my bad here because really I'm asking someone who is seeing what they see as being just as real as everything I see and expecting him to know the different ;) I notice by Wednesday afternoon that he was acting odd even for him. It was like he was pushing stuff away from him and it almost looked like bouncing a ball or something... Things I couldn't see.

Yesterday was a bit of a roller coaster for him. Early afternoon he was making noises that I couldn't at first tell if it was crying or laughing. However the look on his face was one of pain. At the same time he was having issues with his privates. I'm guessing tactile hallucinations. Several times I asked him if he was ok and if he was crying. He said no however at one point he told me to leave him alone and stop looking at him while he was crying. He didn't want me touching him and he couldn't tell me why he was crying just that he was. I asked if it was ok if I called PACT and talked to his nurse about the Latuda that his dose is too high. He said yes.

I called and of course his nurse wasn't in, his case worker wasn't available and the other nurses were all in a meeting but I could leave a message. I did. They haven't called me back yet.

The off and on crying and issues with his privates continued for about an hour. I was on the verge of putting us in a cab and going to emergency. I asked him if he was having thoughts of hurting himself and he said that he wasn't. I asked that if he did that he let me know right away. Finally it stopped and he said that he was feeling better. I was coloring and he joined me. Then it started again however not as bad as before and was shorter. Then he was very happy. I think perhaps a bit manic based on the continual smile. I could see that he was hallucinating again. That had me concerned for a bit as he was doing air punches or interacting with his hallucinations, I'm not sure, but too close to me so I asked him not to do that around me. Thankfully this didn't last long.

Since PACT didn't call me back, I looked it up and his Latuda pills can be cut in half. Latuda is supposed to be taken with food. Not snacks but an actual meal. Given that he hasn't been eating that has been a tough one and he wanted to take it at night with his Invega. I think between the too high dose and not taking it with food that it has been hitting him too hard. Latuda can cause mania as far as I know. I know it's not supposed to be sedating which means it can be activating. Since he has been taking it before bed I think it's been interfering with his sleep as Wednesday night he did take two Melatonin and still didn't sleep good.

So I have cut his dose from 80 mg to 40 mg and gave it to him with dinner last night. The up side to the mini manic phase seems to be that he ate dinner fairly good. He didn't eat all of it but he did eat his chicken and salad so an ok base for the Latuda.

He still hasn't showered however he has been in the bath the last two nights. While it may sound like a good thing... When he is experiencing symptoms or tactile hallucinations he seems to like the sensation of being in the tube so it's not really a good sign when he wants to have a bath every day. Last night I went into the bathroom and took out his dirty socks, underwear and shirt and put out clean ones so that he had no choice but to but on clean ones.

Around 9:30 last night I went into his room and had him take his Invega and two Melatonin. He slept although not as deep as I would like. He got up today at 8:30 AM. Not bad actually as he has been getting up with me and hubby around 5 for the past week. I had debating not giving him any Latuda last night however if I did that I ran the risk of him not taking it again as he has done this with several medications in the past. Just because 80 mg is too much I don't want to not give this medication a chance. He needs the antipsychotic right now.

I called PACT and left another message letting them know I cut the dose. Hopefully today I will see a reduction in what I was seeing yesterday. Probably not though as he appeared to be hallucinating a little while ago and is now off to the liquor store again...

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Aspirin for arthritis and fruit-flies.

I don't recall what day I found a bunch of these aspirin in my son's coat. I had no idea what they were until I showed them to my hubby and he grabbed his bottle of aspirin from the top of the fridge. They are over the counter but they are long acting that our doctor recommended he take daily to ward off the headaches he gets. Feeling relief that that was all they were I didn't think anything else of it. Friday I was cleaning the floor in my son's room and while moving around his make-shift coffee table I heard what I immediately figured was a bottle of vodka that he managed to get in the house and hide under the table. It was a bowl with crushed up white stuff and a rolled up piece of paper for snorting it.

My son received his disability money on Thursday. That day he got his vodka... I didn't say anything except to remind him that it doesn't come onto our property. He sat outside our gate and drank it. When hubby got off work we went to our chiropractor, to the bank and to a store for my son to buy tobacco since he has decided to roll cigarettes. He wasn't happy that it cost him $40 for his tub of tobacco. That night I gave him an Olanzapine with his Invega and he took it.

Friday had the makings of a bad day. He was outside drinking another bottle of vodka and hmmm, I'm really going to have to write down the name of the other bottle he gets, when I found the bowl in his room. I went out to ask him what it was. He told me aspirin.

I was somewhat impressed with myself as I didn't get mad or even upset. I was kind of amused as honestly what could you possible get out of snorting aspirin? I'm not even sure when the conversation took the negative turn that it did but it did. He told me that he was better then me. I replied that he wasn't better then me. Next thing I'm being called a bitch and a fat whore numerous times along with other swear words. I did my best to keep it light. Told him that no matter what he called me I was still going to love him and seriously look at me... Do I look like a fat whore? Apparently yes...

I was just thinking to meet this hate with love... I told him again that I loved him. He said prove it. I replied that I was still here and I knelt down. I was 3 feet away from him and I didn't get any closer. At this point I got told to get out of his face or he was going to smack me and knock me out. He said he wasn't threatening me... I again told him I loved him and walked away. Left him sitting out there, in the dirt, surrounded by 3 bottles (one from the day before) and cigarette butts. We were also back to the "I pay the rent around here and this is 35% my property."

I came inside and called PACT and talked to his new nurse. I think I was looking for some sort of assurance, not that I got any... If I felt unsafe... A year ago I didn't know what he was capable of. Although he is not in active psychosis right now. He is experiencing symptoms yes however he is aware of what he is saying. He is relatively stable. I was seeing an angry drunk... Really nothing new there as I have been seeing that all my life and sadly he does have it in his genes.

Perhaps not the best choice however one boundary I refuse to budge on is the consequences to swearing at me. I disconnected the internet. Went back to the cleaning I was doing. He comes downstairs and asks when he is going to get the internet back. Some how he has morphed what was said into me telling him that he wasn't better. Period. So therefor he was justified in talking to me the way that he did. I told him I wasn't going to discuss it right now. Another flood of name calling and swearing that ended with "Cook my dinner bitch."

I ignored him and went about my cleaning. I think he passed out for a bit...

Since then his defiance has been in high gear. About pretty much anything and everything. Friday his case worker dropped off his Latuda. He has been prescribed 80 mg. Apparently he was prescribed 60 mg however disability doesn't cover this dosage. Ridiculous isn't it? I think disability only recently started covering this medication. So his psychiatrist changed it to 80 as I think that may be the dose he was looking at eventually anyways. Average dosages seems to be between 40 and 160.

His nurse called on Saturday to check in and see if he took his Latuda. As far as I can tell he has been taking it. Since his defiance is in high gear he won't take his medications if he's alert and I'm watching him.

Hubby and I went grocery shopping without him on Saturday. He wasn't up when we left and honestly I'm not rewarding his behavior or attitude. We did bring him back a coffee since we had gotten ourselves one. He asked why I didn't get him up to go? Do you remember what you said to me yesterday? Yes... Well I'm not rewarding that. You got me a coffee. Yes, just because I'm not rewarding you doesn't mean I'm going to be rude either. Do you want the coffee? Give it to me... I started to walk in the house with it and told him he isn't going to get it by talking to me like that. He asked for it nicely so I gave it to him.

I had picked up some coloring books, crayons, pencil crayons and markers while shopping. A Thor book for him and two other ones for me. For a bit he colored in the Thor one. One of the ones I got is Care Bears. I used to love them when I was a kid :)

Remember the camping... He brings it up wanting to go... I told him not this weekend and we don't have money for it right now anyways. He says that I promised this month. No I didn't. I said I would look into it for this month. Well isn't saying it the same as promising? My son knows the difference in that very well as he usually won't promise anything. I just replied that no it wasn't the same and asked if he wanted to make everything into an argument? I think that he does...

I'm not sure why not however he hasn't been to the liquor store since Friday. He does still have enough money left for probably two trips of his usual. The next thing was asking me to take him to the grocery store for treats. I agreed to take him however he was paying for it. Well it's my job to feed him three meals a day and I'm not doing it so he is going to call his Nana and tell her I'm not buying him groceries... Our kitchen is quit full of food since we spend over $1200 a month on groceries. He made his phone call... We took him to the grocery store. He didn't get anything. I offered to take him to the dollar store as he can load up on treats there for cheap. He said no that he had better things to spend his money on like alcohol.

Again I will have to say how impressed I have been with hubby. I know he has a hard time dealing with seeing my son act like this however he is slowly seeing most of it for what it is. My son is having temper tantrums like a child except he is doing it with a 21 year old vocabulary and in a man's body which can be concerning when alcohol is added to the mix. Even my hubby has started getting stuff for my son when we are grocery shopping and he is not with us. Michael likes these...

In between all this my son is giving me a hard time about doing anything that I ask him to do. I have jars for the beef jerky that I make. Friday night I had one of them out and my son brought out the other two along with other snacks. Asking him to put this stuff away the next day... Yah that was fun. Well one of them was mine so therefore he shouldn't have to pick it up. I put mine away. He refused to put the other two away. Finally a day later I did...

Yesterday it was grapes that he took out. I asked if he was done with them could he put them away. He wasn't done with them yet... He did finally put them away and of course as is usual for my son he has to do these things when I'm in the kitchen in the middle of doing something. No excuse me's or anything... He pays the rent ;) You can see it in the way that he is walking around here and how he is looking at us. Pure defiance. We have been trying our best to ignore it and not give it any attention.

We have fruit-flies. I have been noticing them for a couple of days now. I have been trying to disinfect the kitchen and figure out where they are coming from. Yesterday I went around emptying all the garbages just in case. At least 30 of them came out of my son's garbage in his room when I grabbed it. Great! It's all the sweats and treats that he doesn't have ;) He has a big bag full of assorted treats in his room and his garbage was full of ice cream wrappers etc. I sprayed stuff down with Febreze but I'm going to have to get some Lysol I guess...

The last time he had a bath was on April 23. Before that it was awhile as I had asked him to make sure he cleans the tub afterwards because he does private stuff while in the tub and I didn't want to be bathing in it myself. Yesterday I tried to motivate him into a shower. Hubby and I had to go get cigarettes and I said he could come with us for the car ride however I wanted him to have a shower first as it's been awhile. He didn't have the energy and would have one later. This never happens when he says this. I said we would wait for him to get up the energy to have one so that he could go with us. I had an errand to run so we went to do that to give my son time and we brought him back a coffee. He decided not to come...

Hubby and I had a nice drive. We need that one on one time to just be a couple.

We came back and I spent time in the backyard with my son. Not saying much because right now it doesn't seem to matter what I say to him he will respond in the negative. So I colored. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm a mom and I have experience with kids having temper tantrums and using negative tactics to get attention. My son has never done this... I could feel him watching/looking at me. He put both his legs on the table and started rocking them. The whole table was rocking along with everything on it. He is just looking at me... I ignored him and kept coloring. Eventually he stopped ;)

He stopped taking Melatonin, again, when he started the Latuda. So even though we have the new antipsychotic on board he is still not sleeping good because he isn't taking anything to help him sleep. Latuda is not sedating. Last night when I checked on him around 1:30, he had taken the Melatonin and not his Invega or Latuda. Just breathe right... I woke him up to take them. Of course asking very nicely so that I don't trigger his ODD defiance any further. This morning he was up before 5...

What woke me up was my son asking my hubby for a pack of cigarettes. Now I haven't rolled cigarettes since my kids were small... So I Googled it ;) On Thursday he bought 100 grams of tobacco which should roll around a carton or 200 cigarettes. It's been 3 days and he has gone through 3/4 of it.  He is now out of tubes. He said he had around 180 tubes when he got the tobacco so it seems to fit. He also has partial packs of two other kinds of cigarettes and yesterday was smoking my hubby's. I got attitude for asking him not to just take my hubby's cigarettes as he was without asking.

I know this post is getting long winded. So many thoughts in my head... I put hubby's cigarettes away because I know my son will just take them when he wants and we can't afford this. My son probably has more money in his bank account right now then hubby and I do put together. I'm trying really hard not to go further into dept. Because of my son snorting the aspirin I have now put away anything that can be crushed up and snorted... It makes me think of all the times in the past that I have fallen for the mindset of how hard-done-by my son was however I also know how hard it can be to keep things for other people when my son thinks that he is entitled to anything that he wants.

Wouldn't it be nice if someone I trusted could walk in and tell me what to do? Notice I added the trusted part. ;) I'm sure I could get lots of advise however depending on who gave it to me I wouldn't trust it... We need more money coming in to cover our expenses and our dept. The thought of leaving my home unattended and open to whatever my son sees fit to do with or in it while I'm at work... Seriously nothing would be safe from addiction or schizophrenia.

Oh well...

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

What a conundrum he is.

Conundrum, riddle or puzzle... Yes that is my son at the moment.

He didn't sleep much the night before last so I wasn't sure if he was going to be able to get up when his psychiatrist showed up yesterday morning. We spoke for a bit before I got my son up. I gave him a quick overview, advised him how to get a more accurate response regarding voices/entities and discussed my concerns about upping the Invega and what our options were.

Then I got my son up. He seemed to respond better with the psychiatrist then with the new nurse and was more alert. My son has known this psychiatrist for awhile now and seems to like him so that probably helped. As I advised his psychiatrist asked him about the entities (rather then do you have voices?) and my son's response was more honest and he replied that yes they are there and that he has voices.

It was agreed that we would try adding Latuda instead of upping his Invega because upping his Invega could have the opposite affect to what we are looking for and it could actually drag him down. We didn't mention losing his libido but I'm guessing the psychiatrist was also taking this into account and that's what he meant my dragging him down. I told the psychiatrist that my son seems to do best on lower doses of two medications and since this is what we are going to try then we seem to be on the same page. We discussed weight gain and I let him know that the only time I have seen this due to medications is on 450 mg of Clozapine. Other then that my son's weight doesn't fluctuate that much. For me this is another reason to keep him on lower doses, if possible, as weight gain could become a reason to be non-compliant and we don't need to give him reasons for that. ;)

The only question my son seemed to have is if the Latuda would help with stress. Yes it will. Some information on Latuda here: Lurasidone/Latuda. I know that I have heard of good results with it and that it can also act like an antidepressant while it is still an antipsychotic which is a good match for my son. I have never seen antidepressants help him. As with his Invega it is an atypical or next generation medication and is what they call cleaner so has less side affects. I'm very hopeful of this combination as being on two medications that are considered cleaner and keeping to lower doses should work out well.

I was expecting that my son would go back to bed after the psychiatrist left. He didn't and in fact seemed to have an ok day. The voices are there but they didn't seem as bad. Yesterday was my hubby's birthday so I thought I would 'try' to bake him a chocolate cake which of course I didn't have. I asked my son to walk to the corner store with me. He asked if he could get two things. It ended up being five things... They didn't have a chocolate cake mix.

When we got back he went up to his room with his treats and got on his computer! Happily listening to the sounds of his computer gaming, I looked through my cupboards and came up with the idea of a vanilla, strawberry and whipped cream cake to make for my hubby along with some double chocolate chip cookies. The cake was a hit! Surprisingly since my baking skills are not so great and as is usual for me I wasn't following a recipe.

While I was in the kitchen I noticed that my son was snacking on things like he usually does when stable. And he was cleaning up after himself! I know! I didn't say anything. Randomly talked to him, joined him outside for cigarettes and gave him a cookie when they were done. Once when he walked by me I commented that he really needed a shower or at least a change of cloths and off he went and put on clean cloths! Minus socks ;)

Hubby came home and was pleasantly happy about dinner. He was really hungry and expecting that it would be something like fish and rice as he knows this type of diet can help my son. However it was his birthday dinner so it was steak, corn on the cob and baked potatoes. My son really enjoys steak and corn on the cob as well so he ate good too. Win win!

After dinner I asked my son if he wanted tea. First he said no then he said yes. I made us all tea, put out all of our vitamins as I usually do and put on our TV shows. Reminded my son that the vitamins were there once then left them alone. A little while later I went to pick them up and put them away and just commented: I guess you don't want these? First he said no then said wait I will take these (picked up the multivitamins), I will take this too (picked up the B50), I guess I will take the fish ones too... So he took them all! It was after 8 so I went and got his Invega which he took then and there.

We all went out for a cigarette and when we came back in I asked him if he felt like taking his Melatonin tonight. He said sure... So I got him two and put them in his room. He was on his computer when hubby and I went to bed. He was eating a candy... I know that may sound like something small however after a week of seeing him in such a negative symptom swing it was a welcome sight and I went up to him and hugged him tight, telling him I loved him. Stumbled over my words as I said something like: It's good to see looking better... or acting better.. or... I paused and finished with: It's good to have you back. He just smiled at me, hugged me back and told me he loved me too.

I think it was around 11:30 that I woke up and checked on him. He was in bed but awake. I asked him if he had taken his Melatonin and he had forgotten so he took them! As far as I know he slept through the night until 9:30 this morning.

PACT called around 9 to see if he wanted to go on there outing today which is I think a trail walk. I woke him up to ask him and he said no. Thirty minutes later when he got up, I brought it up again asking if he was sure. He said he woke up in a bad mood so no. I said ok but it's a trail walk so in nature which you like. He replied with yah I might like that. Call them back and tell them I want to go. I called and left a message stating that if they still had a spot left that he wanted to go so hopefully they will call back. It's supposed to be a pretty nice day out.

So ya... I'm slightly bemused at the change since we haven't added the Latuda yet. He's adjusting to no Olanzapine? I have no idea. I'm just glad to see him functioning a bit better. I know that some would recommend interacting with him more, to pull him out of his head when he isn't doing well but I tend to give him his space to a certain degree. When the voices are bad then I'm just another voice talking to him and I think that can stress him even further. I know I wouldn't appreciate it if I had a room full of people talking at me and someone else decided to chime in ;) I know that doing even minor physical or 'real life' things takes a lot of energy and I don't need to be an extra stimulant for him if I can help it. Just like yesterday... When he is ready and able then I'm there.

I should get going. He asked again about camping last night so I should look into booking something in the relatively near future. I also need to follow up again with disability as the pharmacy supplying his medications still hasn't received his drug cards for March and April.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Jinxed! A new nurse.

Logically I know that my last blog post highlighting the good didn't actually jinx things. Still it feels like schizophrenia is somewhere saying: na-na, na-na, boo-boo... I'm better then you. I got your son... (again)

By Tuesday morning the negative symptoms were obvious. His case worker dropped by with something for my son to sign so she could help straighten out the disability thing. She commented on how 'flat' he was. One word answers. No expression.

I guess it took a week for the Olanzapine to come completely out of his system.

For a couple of days I was managing to get some vitamins in him although it was hit or miss on which ones. One day he took his multi-vitamins. The next day the B50. Another day the omega-3 because he thinks the multi-vitamin is giving him energy. Now he is not taking any of them.

He has been eating dinners as I have been trying to make things that I know he likes and is healthy to keep him eating. He is not eating outside of that.

His sleeping is all over the place, when he does sleep. He won't take his Melatonin for some reason. This kind-of sucks because the Melatonin we take has 5-HTP and L-Theanin which can help him.

Friday I actually left him home alone for the most of the day. After being up all night and the previous two days he had finally gone to sleep. It was a busy day for hubby and I. Hubby had two doctors appointments and each of them were over an hour. We had car parts to get. Also Friday was the last day of my hubby's interlock condition on his license! If you don't know what this is then it's a device that is put in your car to make sure there is no drinking and driving. He is finally free of it! So we had to go to the license place and we had to go have the device removed from the car which was another hour long appointment. I must say that although a long and tiring day, it was good to be out of the house doing 'normal' stuff.  My son's case worker stopped by to check on him since I wasn't home.

Hubby walked away from the doctor's appointments with a ton of medications ;) He has been coughing up some green/black stuff and green is usually a sign of infection so he got antibiotics for that. He also got something for his back. While I'm all for chiropractor first... He was still not getting much relief and these seem to be helping his back to relax. Which should help his next adjustment go even better.

My son was up when we returned, playing online. This was the last time he played online that I'm aware of. I was worried that he might not be ok if he woke up and I wasn't here but he seemed ok. Said he didn't call because his phone was dead but that he was charging it. He did answer the door to his case worker.

Saturday we took him with us to help out my hubby's son with an errand.

Yesterday he decided not to go grocery shopping with us. This doesn't happen very often. He really likes to go but I'm guessing even doing that is becoming too much for him at this point. Yesterday was also his Dad's birthday. I brought it up once but I didn't bring it up again because I know he can't process it right now.

Tuesday his case worker told me that he has a new nurse coming on board. His case worker has been seeing him almost every week however I do believe this is supposed to be a nurse making the weekly house calls. His from awhile ago is on maternity leave. So his new nurse dropped by today. He seemed nice and my son seemed to be ok with him.

I actually took myself to the basement for a cigarette while he was here to give them a chance to talk as I know I have a tendency to interrupt... I think I did pretty good and only interrupted a couple of times ;) It was easy to tell that participating in the conversation was a struggle for my son. I'm surprised he managed to ignore the voices as well as he did. His nurse commented that his answers where pretty short and one worded... Yes that's all he is capable of right now. Actually this was the most he has spoken in days. It can take several times asking just to get an answer on what type of tea he wants after dinner. Not that he drinks it but I keep hoping that he will and take the supplements I keep putting out.

I walked out with the nurse and filled in some of the blanks and corrected some things. Like I told him, I don't know if it's my son being delusional or if he just knows what to say. He doesn't give accurate information on questions about sleeping, eating or activities. He told his nurse that he went to bed at 11 last night. I think this is because he has been told that it's a good bed time. He went to bed at 2 when I got up and had him go. He was wide awake at 5 when I got up. He didn't sleep. Same with eating. He says he has been eating good. Dinner only for most of the week now. He says he has been playing his games. He hasn't since Friday. He says that he has no voices. I told his nurse we call them entities. They started becoming obvious last Monday.

His smoking is up and down. His fingers are brown, I noticed last night. He may go awhile without but then will smoke sometimes three in a row. That seems to be lessening today. So while smoking a lot is not a good sign, smoking less is an even worse sign. When he is smoking a lot he is stressed. When he isn't smoking much than he has gone further into his head. He has actually been smoking the cigarettes that he didn't want (we couldn't return them, we tried) and not even complaining about them which isn't like him.

After several days of me nicely hinting, my hubby actually managed to suggest and get him into a bath on Thursday. I think he has been in the same clothes ever since. Will have to try and get him in clean clothes today after he wakes up. I'm pretty sure he is sleeping now. He had a short snooze yesterday but other then that has been awake since possibly Friday around noon. It's hard to tell sometimes. He will go to bed when I prompt him but that doesn't mean he is sleeping.

His nurse set up an appointment with his psychiatrist for tomorrow morning. That's an appointment that has been long overdue. We certainly need to do discuss his medications and how to proceed. I know I have been hesitant about upping his Invega due to possible lose of his libido however that doesn't seem to be happening right now anyways and honestly it's not something we need happening right now as when he is like this he can have no sense of keeping it private.

ADAPT called me this morning. She apologized for taking so long to get back to me. I let her know that my son seems to relapses so we set up a tentative follow up appointment in two weeks. She also gave me some information on the next family event that deals with concurrent disorders, mental illness and addiction, and who to contact to register. I have actually met the lady that I am to contact. We meet through the early intervention program my son was in before PACT. I have also talked to her at an event I attended through the Schizophrenia Society of Ontario.

I'm off. Gucci is demanding some petting time and the homemade beef jerky I made is calling my name...

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Saint Dymphna, Saint Michael, a job? and being healthy.

About three weeks ago I learned about Saint Dymphna. She is the patron saint of the nervous, emotionally disturbed, mentally ill and those who suffer neurological disorders. She is also the patron saint of victims of incest.

Her story can be found here: Wikipedia - Saint Dymphna

My prayer to her:

I decided that I wanted a pendent for my necklace of her so my husband made it my birthday present. Saturday morning we went to a store that carries them. In the beginning I was thinking about getting three of them. One for me, my son and my daughter. Yesterday I had mine engraved with the initials of both of my children.

While at the store discussing Saints the clerk mentioned Saint Michael who is an Archangel. I knew that he was an Archangel however I know little of him beyond that. He is the patron saint of chivalry and warriors. The sick and the suffering also consider him to be their patron. The serpent that he is slaying in depictions of him represents evil. He is seen as one who protects against evil.

His story can be found here: Wikipedia - Saint Michael (Archangel)

My son's name is Michael... It just made sense so I got my son Saint Michael he does need help fighting his demons or evil entities. When I saw the detail of Michael's sword as it slayed the serpent... My son's hallucinations involve him creating armor to protect himself and he enjoys playing online games that involve armor etc. When we got home I took it to him and put it on him explaining who Saint Michael was. I also got him a medallion he can carry around that says: My son. You may have outgrown my lap but you will never outgrow my heart. I couldn't find one similar for my daughter. :(

I blogged a bit ago about my son wanting stuffed animals or stuffies as he calls them :). For awhile he wasn't paying much attention to them however recently he is back to cuddling with them. I know because I helped to arrange them last night before I did what has become our night time activity of me scratching and rubbing his back and head.

I know that sometimes my writing here can sound fairly negative. It's because this is my place to vent my thoughts and feelings and sort them out. Getting them out here means that they won't be directed at my son. Perhaps my hubby at times ;) but not my son. I can't recall the last time that I even raised my voice to him. Certainly not since we moved or since I've been on the Venlafaxine, so a couple of months. My husband says that he has seen a change in my son with how he is with me since I went to British Columbia to get him and that my son loves me more then I give him credit for. He may be right. I do know it's different now. My son spends more time sitting on the same sofa as us when we are watching TV. He spends more time having tea and watching TV with us. In fact if I don't think to ask my son to join us then my husband does because he doesn't want my son spending to much time in his room alone.

Despite our issues at times, I never need to wonder why I love my husband. I know that he finds all this frustrating at times, as I do, because we have seen how good my son can be. I don't mean good in behavior but good as in stable, clean and basically schizophrenia symptom free. It's hard to accept that as good as my son is doing right now and all things considered he is doing good, that this is the best we can expect because... Honestly why should we when we know that it can be so much better.

It's sad because instances like February and the shelter happen and they are no one's fault. It's when addiction, schizophrenia and oppositional defiance disorder (ODD) take over. If we could keep these things at bay for just a little while... Imagine what we could accomplish!

Yesterday my hubby asked me if my son was ok because he got up and didn't say anything. My hubby has problems reading social ques and people'e emotions. I really do think he has some asperger traits ;). No it's our routine... I may be up early but I don't like to talk. I want to wake up with my coffee, doing my social media. My son seems to be the same way. He gets up, we say good morning, he goes for a cigarette, grabs his energy drink and back up to his room sometimes to play his games, watch TV or 'think' depending on where his stability is at. As the day goes on we interact more.

Yes he is drinking energy drinks again. We have an agreement that if he keeps it to one a day and isn't drinking them at night, preferably in the morning than we buy him some when grocery shopping. So far he is doing this.

Remember the stones my hubby brought home for the back yard? Yesterday my husband asked for my son's help in placing them. Of course this meant my husband doing it but my son interacting with us while he did it. Then we were to go to the mall so I could get my pendant engraved.

Out of the blue my son asked about applying for a job at the corner store stating that if he had a job and some extra money his life would be perfect. Are you shocked? ;) I suggested the pet store that is just around the corner as I was thinking about applying there for some extra income. I had my son clip his nails and clean up a bit and we went over. They don't have applications so we have to do up a resume. They usually hire for summer hours.

Now I'm not sure what is motivating this however my son has been eating healthier. I have blogged about my own eating habits and what I eat for lunch. My son has also started eating the same things for snacks. Several times he would look at my lunch and take a cracker with brie cheese or a snap pea. Last week he started making his own plate of it including almonds!

Off and on he is now taking NAC (N-Acetyl Cysteine) in the mornings. He isn't giving me grief about taking his multi-vitamins or Omega 3. It's not everyday and sometimes he forgets but when he does he is now taking two of each! Yesterday I even got him to take a B50 complex. I'm trying not to make a big deal of it as if I did he would probably stop ;) It's part of me and my husband's routine to take our supplements after dinner with our tea while we watch TV so I'm just including my son in that routine without any fanfare and for now anyways I think it is helping.

When I brought up the B50 my son asked what does it do. Does is have the sun vitamin? No that's vitamin D, I think. We take it to be healthier. My son stated he didn't want to be healthier because he doesn't want to have more energy during the day. Some old thinking/issues rearing their little head that I refer to as his ODD. I replied: Do you see me jumping around with lots of energy? It will just make you healthier not more energetic. He took it. Although he forgot to take his Omega 3. Oh well. You win some, you lose some. ;)

Tomorrow it will be one week since my son stopped taking his Olanzapine. He is still being compliant with 6 mg of Invega as he says he doesn't mind this one. So he is only on one medication. Honestly I was expecting that we would be in a pretty bad spot by now. While voices have emerged or what my son is referring to as thoughts... Everything else seems to be holding steady. His appetite is good. Fairly good actually as he is usually asking me now what time my hubby is getting home from work so that we can have supper/dinner. In fact he usually asks me earlier in the day what we are having for dinner and will sometimes ask if we can have a different side dish. Whenever it's rice he asks me to make extra for him. I'm glad my cooking skills are improving ;) So far he is still on a good sleep schedule. He goes to bed when hubby and I do which is anywhere between 8 and 9. He was up at 9 this morning and rarely goes past 10:30. He is sometimes up earlier in the night for a cigarette and something to eat but goes right back to bed. There has been no sleeping on the sofa!

One night it was cute because hubby wasn't working the next day, so we stayed up later watching TV. I think it was around 10, which is really late for us, my son asks: Isn't it bedtime? He was tired and wanted to go to bed but I guess he was waiting for us to go too. Our routines may be hard to implement and his ODD may flair up here and there but they are really helping him.

Whether it's diet or Saint Michael or routine and boundaries... I don't know but I'm glad, knock on wood, that we have managed at least for now to keep my son from going to far in the wrong direction. I know that the end of the month is coming and yes we will probably be dealing with a 'hiccup' and alcohol but every day that we are not is an accomplishment and a step in the right direction.

Today it is raining so hubby came home early from work. They went to go exchange cigarettes. My son has decided he wants to roll them. My hubby wasn't happy with his last carton either. Oi... They worked it out last night. Since what they are returning is what hubby and I paid for then my son doesn't get back the money and instead my hubby will us it to buy my son his tobacco and rolling papers.

When they get back we are going to take my son to get his blood work done for the family doctor and his physical.

His caseworker from PACT was just here to drop off his meds and a copy of another letter she sent to British Columbia disability. I guess because my son hasn't been attending their Wednesday outings he is at risk for losing his spot with this. I can understand that as they have a lot of clients and ones who want to participate. Will have to put more energy into this and hopefully he will attend this Wednesday's outing.

I'm off to do some dishes, get dressed and wait for my boys to come back.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.