Friday, August 31, 2018

Just a quick hello

I'm sorry for those that follow this blog for how long it's been. A year...

We moved, my hubby and I, into a 2 bedroom apartment last. I like it, hubby doesn't.

My daughter is doing awesome! She has her son and is engaged. She recently took her one year for being clean. Her fiance too. Sadly they aren't living close as they moved to BC last year.

I can't say last year ended on a good note. First time I didn't put up a Christmas Tree. Well it's over now.

My son is still doing very good. In fact...

I saw him and my daughter and grandson last month! Too see them all together was beyond words and I'm so thankful that I went out to see them. My grandson stole my heart even more. My daughter was worried that I might have too high expectations on him warming up to me. No worries there! He wanted me to take him out of his car seat when we got home from the airport.

The family dynamics wasn't as bad as I expected while there. You see, I'm not clean, yet. With that comes a certain amount of prejudice or stigma. Perhaps stigma is a better word. What they believe an addict to be. What they believe me to be. I can assure you that not all addicts are 'tared from the same brush'. We are not all the same. Some of us strive to maintain our morals and hold onto our humanity even as we try to fight our addictions.

It's hard to acknowledge that at times one does care what others think of them. Very much so in this instance because I still consider them family. My kids family... my family. My kids Nana doesn't think I should be able to attend my daughter's wedding. Granted she also didn't think I had the right to enter the group home my son is currently living in, which has nothing to do with my addiction. My ex apparently seems to think I would use drugs around my grandson. All of which I'm properly peeved over.

So yes I'm still using. To put into perspective, a lot less them most people drink alcohol and smoke weed. Not that that justifies my using because it doesn't. Every day I'm trying to kick that habit back into remission where it belongs. Some weeks are better then others. It's one helluva uphill battle. Most days I'm fighting it alone. But then again being alone in these battles is not so new to me. However trying to do it for 2 people is tougher then I was prepared for.

I think my biggest hurdle is facing all the pain of betrayal that I felt when everything came to light. It still hurts, alot. Perhaps it's a grieving process. I'm ok with it all as much as I can be. I don't resent anyone or even have hard feelings. It just still hurts and I think I'm shying away from that pain. I'm working on it, daily, as I know I have to move on.

As for my marriage. I think we have spent this year in a state of limbo. Going nowhere. Mentally I think I've found my limit on what I can carry. I have to say at the moment that I'm quit worn out.

And ready for bed...

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