Friday, September 25, 2015

Glass Houses, Time For A Second Opinion

Hello readers! I have missed you...

Life, as it does, has kept going.

My son is currently in a shelter. He did come home for a little while.

I did manage to arrange a family meeting while he was inpatient. A lot of good that did. I shouldn't say that. His case manager requested that they do a assessment of my son to see what type of life skills he has for living on his own. No surprise there. He doesn't have any. He never has. He can't take care of himself when he is living in an environment when most of his basic needs are being taken care of. His level of self-care is non-existent at this point.

Since there was no where for him to go when it came time for him to be released from the hospital, I brought him home. He certainly wasn't stable, just not in crisis anymore.

It took less the 24 hours for things to start to fall apart. 5 days later he was in a shelter. During that short time it was attitude about everything. Smoking in his room. Sleeping outside on the front steps. Leaving a trail of mess wherever he went including spit and vomit. Swearing at me... It all came to a head when my husband asked him to clean up his mess on the front steps as there was cigarette butts everywhere, garbage and glass dishes that we were worried a kid could get hurt since they play around my front steps. That wasn't taken very well by my son. The end result... Michael throwing my coffee maker on the floor, smashing it and screaming in my face to F-off. The next day I had his nurse take him to the shelter.

For the most part it's been the same as any other shelter stay. Calling me for money and cigarettes. He did receive a payment from disability for almost $600 while in there. That was gone in no time. He told me that he got robbed. I don't believe it. I know what he was like the last time he got robbed. How upset and animated he was about it. This time... Nothing but calm. We did end up buying him 2 cartoons of cigarettes that was gone is just over a week. According to my son they kept disappearing, that someone must be taking them out of his backpack. You would have to see my son with his backpack. It doesn't leave his side. Of course not... I would bet my life on it there is marijuana in it. Actually I don't need to do that as he admitted to me last night that he has some.

There was arrangements being made for him to go into a group home. They were redoing the room so it was taking a little longer for them to paint etc. His nurse went and cleaned him up pretty good for the meeting. I was impressed when I saw him. Sadly he lost his spot. I guess he was acting pretty inappropriate while at this meeting. My son didn't want to go there since he knew arrangements were being made for him to possibly go with his grandmother. He made that pretty clear during the meeting that he didn't want to be there.

The shelter gives first priority to PACT clients. My son was a shoe-in. Normally one has to wait a long time to get into a group home but circumstances arose at just the right time. I remember thinking: Finally. We can start getting him on the right track to growing up and being responsible. I was wrong. Another PACT client got it.

Last week I found out that a plane ticket was in the works.

The conversations regarding this between my husband and I has been... He sounds like I did a year ago. Can't you do this? What if you do that? He can't go there... Did you tell so and so about this? Yes I've done it all. Which is most likely why there was zero assistance coming from anyone on this end to help it happen. No one would even take him to the airport however just like before, no one could stop it. Legally an adult and I don't have power of attorney.

This Monday was a tough day for me. After a weekend of trying to resolve myself to the idea of yet again letting go and letting my son mess up his life even further, I ended up going to the store and buying cigarettes. 3 months... I stood there thinking I can fall apart right now which I'm not inclined to do or smoke. I was also butting heads with my boss and ready to quit for a moment ;).

For the past 24 hours or so I have been struggling with feelings of hurt. I know that I can sometimes sound pretty harsh about my son's grandmother. I'm certainly not in agreement with what she tries to do. Still I have always understood that she thinks she is doing what is best and that her actions are out of love for my son. We just don't agree on what love is ;).

I know that I try to come off like I don't care what other people think of me. Of course I do to a certain extent. I don't change what I'm doing because of it because I truly believe in what I'm doing and why.

I found out how my son was going to get to the airport. His great-uncle. I haven't spoken to this person since I was with my kids Dad. However when we were together we used to hang out with him a lot... I called him and left him a message to please call me before putting my son on a plane. I have been informed that he won't talk to me except to... well anyways. All he knows about me now is what he has been told by my son's grandmother. I can only imagine the horrible person that he thinks that I am. How I'm turning my back on my son, putting him out on the streets and certainly not showing him any love... Yes the thought of someone thinking about me like that, hurts. Surprisingly it hurts a lot. Not much I can do except remind myself that however he sees me is behind the glass of his own glass house.

Yesterday morning I was informed that he wasn't going there. His grandmother had changed her mind.

Now what? I don't know. Again time has been lost where his treatment team could have been looking for housing for him. I saw my son last night. Would I consider taking him back? Yes if there is power of attorney. My son says that power of attorney is against his religion.

This brings me to the second opinion. I want a second opinion on his diagnoses. I know that I have questioned if he has schizophrenia and then I end up falling back on that diagnoses. Still there has always been something that says that there is a lot more going on. When he gets sick he presents as schizophrenic. I had asked his nurse to bring it up to his treatment team to have him re-evaluated. His nurse got turned down. Due to my son's history of diagnoses and referrals etc the schizophrenia diagnoses is staying. That means that one doctor reads another doctors notes, sees my son while he is again presenting with apparent psychosis and nods his head in agreement. Yes, schizophrenia. Let's not question the status-quo.

Here's a what if? What if in 2011 the doctor's in British Colombia knew the extent of my son's marijuana use. The marijuana use that was hidden from them and covered up. The marijuana use that was causing his medications to not work and therefore giving him the diagnoses note of: Medication resistant. The marijuana use that got him the sub-type diagnoses of paranoid schizophrenia. It's always been the marijuana that causes him to be paranoid. When he isn't using the paranoia is gone, the belief in chi, telekinesis and whatever else he used to do before coming to live with me, is also gone. Without marijuana where is his paranoid schizophrenia? Good question.

Since he has been in the shelter I'm pretty sure he is back to daily use again. He is way to mellow. Not a care in the world. He is presenting as someone in psychosis... Takes a long time to answer a question or respond when asked to do something. I was told that the shelter staff have been having to direct him or tell him to not being doing certain things like lying on the floors etc. It's because he is stoned.

I really wish a professional would take the time to help me understand what I'm seeing and put it all into perspective because it's not adding up. As far as I know the defining characteristic of having a psychotic break is losing touch with reality. My son doesn't lose touch with reality. This has always been something that keeps standing out for me. Over the years conversations about his breaks has come up. He remembers all of his breaks, if that is what they are. He remembers his first one where he was catatonic. He heard everyone talking to him and felt them touching him. He was just lost in his own head from the all of the marijuana that he had smoked. The first break I went through with him where he believed he was a vampire, in a gang and chewed on my fingernails. He remembers doing that. When he punched out his grandmother. He remembers all of that. He didn't break with reality. In each of these instances he had been smoking marijuana and having recently stopped taking prescribed amounts of medications or stopped completely. Even if one doesn't have psychosis and stops medications like that then the rebound affect can be psychosis. And yet even with all that my son doesn't break with reality. So many times I will think that he is lost in there. Until you say or do something and realize he is very much aware.

I'm not sure what my son's mental illnesses are... I have some thoughts and ideas and they fit better then schizophrenia. Sadly schizophrenia would probably be the better choice. Since the beginning I have questioned if what I'm seeing is sociopath. That is also in his genes. I questioned narcissism. A lot of the characteristics of his personality that can't be explained or attributed to schizophrenia or even ADHD and ODD can be seen and makes sense if one has narcissistic personality disorder. Could what he is going through be the beginning stages of either one of these? My son is still young. His personality is still developing. I have watched him become more and more adapt at manipulation. I have watched his mood swings and play of emotions when he isn't getting what he wants. Narcissistic are not without emotion. In fact they have lots of them and can be very loving I'm sure when it suites their own purposes. What happens when they aren't getting what they want or what they feel they deserve?

My son just called me. He wants me to come see him today. I was surprised at that request since he knows that I'm not going to give him any money and I dropped of smokes last night. Sometimes he breaks my heart into little pieces. I was watching some teenagers on skateboards last night. My son has missed out on all that. Regardless of what my childhood and life has been, I had playing in the rain, fighting with my best friends, sleep-overs, embarrassing classroom moments, first loves, first break-ups and learning about sex all the wrong ways...

I can't give him his lost childhood. I wish that I could give him his adulthood.

The very same people who are treating me like I'm nothing are the very same people who are leaving me to pick up the pieces time and time again with no support. I find it somewhat ironic. Strike that. I find it very ironic. If I'm such a horrible mother/person who doesn't know how to love or help my son, why am I the one being left to deal with the consequences of other peoples choices yet again?

Time to get some things out of the way before I start work.


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