11) I'm Down (Almost 6 Months)

I'm Down (Almost 6 Months)

I forget what I asked my son the other day but he responded with I'm down. His way of saying I'm all in, let's do this. It made me think about how he responds in other conversations. If he's listening but not really believing then he says that makes sense. It may make sense for other people but in his eyes it doesn't apply to him. If he hears you but isn't listening then it's ah ha. He has already stopped processing what you are saying and just wants to move on to his next point.

On the 28th my son will have been living with me for 6 months. Sometimes I find it hard to remember that big boy who walked off that plane on April 28, 2013. Seems like such a long time ago. I get reminders here and there when we start to go back up on that rollercoaster. He's been out of the hospital for a month. A couple of hiccups so far. About two weeks ago I noticed that some things were off. I hadn't actually seen him take his medications for a couple of days. He doesn't like me to watch him take them. One day he purposely missed taking his Gabapentin so that he could drink alcohol. The following day he napped and didn't eat much. That night didn't sleep well. I went looking for pills and found some. I don't remember how many I found but there was 25 mg of Clozapine scattered around his room as well as pieces of his Trazodone. I called my worker expecting the worst. I didn't hide this phone call from my son and perhaps this made him rethink what he was doing as the next day he seemed to be back on track. Five days ago I found 9 of his 25 mg Clozapine. I didn't say anything. Four days ago I noticed by around 2pm that his negative attitude was back. I noticed the attitude when he asked me for money for alcohol as a reward for doing so good. Of course he didn't like my answer and I got told how unreasonable I was being. Déjà vu. Warning bells. I checked where I had found the other pills and sure enough there was his last two doses of Gabapentin, Risperidone and Clozapine. On a cute note. He actually asked my husband for a ride to the beer store so his friend could buy the beer as it was raining out. Of course the answer was no. Since he was drinking he also missed his dinner medications as well. The kicker was that I had just told him the night before how good I thought he was doing and I wanted him to know it. I waited until he came home and calmly showed him the pills that I had found. I told him that I'm not going to be upset that he didn't take them but that he needs to be honest with me about it. Leave them in the dish if he's not going to take it. I have a right to know and be prepared for the consequences, current attitude as proof, and I was going to do my best to not allow him to double dose on the Gabapentin. Well he has done his research and states you can't overdose on 600 mg. For me that confirms his intentions of double or tripling a dose for the affect. He tried to say that the Clozapine were from when he first came home from the hospital. Not so. I regularly check certain containers in his room for this and they were not in there that long. Ensuing argument, accompanied by swearing and negative attitude that ended in him slamming his bedroom door. I reminded him that if he gets admitted again they will probably put him on injection. Of course he is going to get a lawyer and fight it because he should not have been admitted in the first place for not eating or sleeping. I told him that he can read his medical file if he wants that he was admitted for having a full psychotic break. I can't make him see this, it's his choice. Later I asked him if he remembered being in the hospital. For two days not even believing that's where he was, that he was a vampire, in a gang, had diamonds for fingernails and did he remember chewing on my fingernails? Did he have a logical explanation for this? Yes and he was just being imaginative. I let the conversation drop and that night he toke his pills. He went to bed early and slept through until 9 the next morning. That's how I know when my son is taking at least most of his night time medications. That lasted two days. The other night he was up late. Up and down throughout the night and morning. Then sleeping at 4:45pm. This is not normal for him. I could tell by how soundly he was sleeping and by his slurred speech when I tried to wake him up that most likely he taken pills from the night before. Something that I was worried about happening may be becoming an issue. He is noticing that he is gaining a little weight and blaming it on the Clozapine. It's nothing that a little exercise won't fix. I myself have gained a little weight over the past year as I'm not walking every day to go to work. Of course he doesn't want to exercise because he considers himself to be in top form. As his nurse told him yesterday. Clozapine itself does not have calories. I'm trying to teach him about healthier eating habits and that what he is eating is contributing to the weight gain. Lots of cheese and sometimes two milkshakes in one day. And of course his munchies. Combine that with inactivity and weight gain is pretty much a foregone conclusion. He thinks his metabolism should keep him thin at his age. Unfortunately that is not the case. I also asked his nurse to talk to him about his medications and how they are meant to be taken. Not as prn's or as needed medications. He is still trying to get Valium (Diazepam) prescribed. He says that he isn't taking his Gabapentin as prescribed because he doesn't want to rely on medications to deal with his anxiety. He wants to feel some of it. Yet he is asking for Valium to deal with his anxiety. I find this contradictory attitude a little hard to deal with. He gets upset when I point out that he is contradicting himself.

Now for some good stuff. There have been some things that I have been noticing. What could be looked at as small things but to me they represent a bigger picture. In the last month I have not had to nag him about cleaning up after himself in the living room. If he forgets and I remind him, he does it right away. When he asks for something and I say no, he usually accepts my answer. The attitude of I want therefore I need, now is not being dealt with on a daily basis. Rarely in fact. When I'm tidying up his room, he helps me a little bit. He helps me make his bed now. He's still doing his own laundry with my help. His tv broke the other day so we had to rearrange his room and find a better spot for it. Now he can watch his shows in bed more comfortably at night. It's been about two weeks since I had to make him go to bed. Only a handful of times in the last month that he has fallen asleep on the couch. If I'm not around at dinner time, he makes his own dinner, pizza. One night he did this and after we came home he didn't eat more of it until he asked us if we wanted some first. He's been making himself milkshakes for the past week. My husband showed him how. Yesterday he even made me one. One day he hugged me just because he wanted to because he loves me. He bought himself some shirts from his last disability payment. He spends more time in the living room watching tv shows with us. When we last visited my sister he noticed the color of her walls, thought it was new. It wasn't but that's the first time he noticed them. He's making comments about how different his eyes look from day to day. He's taking an interest in getting rid of pimples. We got him a new jacket and he likes wearing his jeans with it and looking cool. Recently his pocket watch broke so we got him a nice new one that he has to pay us back for half of it. I think it made his week. He commented that every time he looks at it he thinks of it as proof that we love him. He is still wearing his gear ring or sobriety ring as we call it. He asked for it back when he came home from the hospital. If he abuses marijuana, that I know of, then I get it back. His world is not so small anymore. When he looks in the mirror he sees himself. We just got him new glasses and last night he enjoyed looking at the stars. Getting him to brush his teeth, shower and clip his nails is getting easier. He shaves on his own. The routine of not going out with me unless these things are done first has taken root. He will randomly walk by me and pat me on the head. His way of showing me affection. He followed me to the laundry room the other day and measured my laundry soap for me. Once when we were butting heads and he was swearing I told him that if he swore one more time the internet was gone. He walked away but didn't swear again. One day he told me that he wouldn't mind helping me with the hard house cleaning if I asked. Then commented that he might regret saying that. We both laughed. When he first came home from the hospital he asked me to not clean up his room so much as he liked the mess. I figured the state of his room was a reflection of his state of mind. Now he doesn't mind me tidying it up. If he wants my husband to do something for him than he asks me first if he can ask my husband. He doesn't get paranoid that his aunts don't like him if they don't return his phone calls or texts right away. Once he asked me if I noticed how grown up he was. I told him yes that he is maturing.

A little more on our conversation regarding his pocket watch being proof that I love him. He started the conversation stating that when people buy things for other people it proves that they love that person. I replied that it is an extension of love but not proof. What if I didn't have the money to buy him things, does that mean that I love him less? There are lots of things that people do for the people that they love and it is not measured by things bought. I appreciate that when he looks at his pocket watch he thinks about our love for him and we did help him get it out of love. He has been asking for a scooter and I told him if this is where this conversation is going that I buy him a scooter out of love then we can end the conversation now. Thanks to the Gabapentin he didn't get upset just said that no that's not where he was going with it. He was just looking at his watch and thinking about this. Either way I'm glad that he does recognize that we love him. However this is something that I am beginning to get concerned about. I don't want it to be that I have to buy his love or buy him things to keep him medication compliant. I struggle with this all the time. He only wants to come grocery shopping if he can have McDonalds. I want to get him out as much as possible but I don't want it to be a barter system. The same with trying to teach him responsibility when it comes to his disability payments. I want him to understand that he needs to budget enough money for a month to keep himself in cigarettes and have spending money for his gaming and going to the store for treats. He usually has it spent within a week or so of receiving it. Which leaves me buying him his cigarettes and him having to pay me back when his money comes in. I guess it's preferable to the alternative which would be him having money for drugs and alcohol. I will give him credit for this as he himself says that this way should make me happier. He is right. I have to remember that learning responsibility takes time and he is getting better at managing.

A couple of weeks ago we had a conversation about him being a shaman. I still support this idea if it's what he wants to do. I told him that I would do whatever it takes to find him a shaman in our area but I will not do it if he continues with the mindset that he knows everything. My son's ego has a tendency to get in the way. I told him that it would be a waste of his time and the shaman's if he is not open to learning what is needed to accomplish being one. Just saying he is one doesn't make it so. He seemed to be of the opinion that the other shaman would recognize how great his power is. This brought us into talking about knowledge and the wish to share it. He seems to think that no one wants to share their secrets or abilities with others so another shaman would not want to help him. I tried to explain that when a person is secure in who they are, they have no reservations about sharing their knowledge, that it is a wonderful experience to help others. The more we know the more we realize how little we do know. That our whole world is build from knowledge built on knowledge and that is how we learn and progress. I don't think he has brought it up since. When he is ready to accept help then I will do my best to find him someone to learn from.

This last month has been somewhat enlightening for myself. On September 24 I watched The Secret on youtube.com. I had seen the book at Walmart and it caught my eye. I just remember thinking that it reminded me of my mom. Didn't buy it because of the price. A little while later I saw it again at a second hand book store. $8. I bought it. No intention of reading it but still I wanted it in my home. My younger sister commented that it had great reviews. Then my older sister sees it and asks me why I got it. I felt a little embarrassed when I said that it reminded me of my mom so I got it. It turns out she had watched the movie some time ago and highly recommended that I watch it too. It's about a woman, Esther Hicks, who channels a group of non-physical entities called Abraham or infinite knowledge. With skepticism I watched it. I wasn't expecting to be as moved by it as I was. Forget for a moment that this woman is channeling if you find yourself to be a non-believer of such things. I started looking at myself and my approach to life. For a long time I have known what I don't want but I have never put too much energy into thinking about what I do want or better yet if I thought I deserved it. I have felt content with my life but I don't know if I have spent time thinking about the things in my life that I am grateful for. I do now. If I got nothing else from this experience I have been trying my best to change my perspective and every day realize that I have so much to be thankful for. If there is any truth in the concept that we attract what we think about then I will think about all the good things I have, can do and will have in the future. I only know that since that day that I watched The Secret I have been a much happier person.

In trying to change my perspective I have also started realizing some things about myself. I have had to let go of some things. Things that I was doing that was geared more towards other people's approval then my own. I sent my previous 10 chapters to someone to read. I guess I was expecting positive feedback, instead I got negative feedback. At first I was very hurt by this. I thought about all the work that I had put into it and how proud I was of it and thought why can't this person see that?  Around this time I had watched a short clip on someone else who had published a book about what they were going through and the negative feedback they were getting from certain family members. I myself do not agree with all of the approaches that I read regarding schizophrenia. I looked at what was motivating my actions and realized that I had made a mistake. Perhaps not in sending my writings but in expecting a different reaction than I received. I was hurt because I did not get the validation that I was looking for. In seeing that I also realized that I did not need that validation. Did I really expect that everyone would applaud my writings and pat me on the back? If I did I was being naive. This also caused me to reaffirm for myself why I am writing this. Yes this centers around my son but it is my story too. My interpretation of the research that I do and what I see. It's my way of coping and if it helps even one person along the way then I will be grateful for that. The peace that I am gaining by letting go of that preconceived notion this needs to be validated is truly great. Perhaps one day my son will write his story.

Mom
BarbieBF

© October 23, 2013