Saturday, December 8, 2018

Another move... 2 month chip.

Yes we moved again...

This time we pretty much moved across Canada, from Ontario to British Columbia. We have moved into an in-law suite in my daughter's basement.

The drive itself went much better than I was expecting. Being here has been a bit more of an adjustment then I was expecting. At the moment we are mostly in our own suite however don't have a functioning kitchen yet so I think we are all finding it a little bit since everyone is used to having their own space.

Upside... I'm finally in the same province as both of my kids (and my grandson) which hasn't been since my kids where small.

For the first time in a couple of years now I have set up my christmas tree... There are now 4 cats in the household and 2 of them are loving my tree! ;) Been doing some reading and it looks like I may have to try cayenne pepper. It's not the tree so much but the electrical since my tree came with the lights already strung on it and I don't want one of them chewing on a bulb.

I have seen my son a couple of times. He is doing good. Pretty much the same as he has been for the past couple of years. Smoking weed, it's now legal here, which noticeably triggers some of his 'different' thinking. Of course it took all of about 1 hour of him seeing me to ask about moving in with me. If I was on my own then I would seriously consider working with him on it however I'm not and I'm pretty sure without the system in place that is keeping him on his medications than relapse would be a distinct possibility.

I went to a CA (cocaine anonymous) meeting with my daughter the other night and received my 2 month chip or fop for being clean. Yeah me!

I think I'm one of the lucky addicts that as long as it's not in my environment then I'm good. In July I came out to see my daughter and that gave me a break from the using. A chance to get my feet under me and my thinking clear enough to know that an addicts life is not the life that I want for myself. So with a little backbone or what I call 'won't power', I was finally able to find the strength to start on the right path to recovery.

Just wanted to pop in and do a quick update....

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Friday, August 31, 2018

Just a quick hello

I'm sorry for those that follow this blog for how long it's been. A year...

We moved, my hubby and I, into a 2 bedroom apartment last. I like it, hubby doesn't.

My daughter is doing awesome! She has her son and is engaged. She recently took her one year for being clean. Her fiance too. Sadly they aren't living close as they moved to BC last year.

I can't say last year ended on a good note. First time I didn't put up a Christmas Tree. Well it's over now.

My son is still doing very good. In fact...

I saw him and my daughter and grandson last month! Too see them all together was beyond words and I'm so thankful that I went out to see them. My grandson stole my heart even more. My daughter was worried that I might have too high expectations on him warming up to me. No worries there! He wanted me to take him out of his car seat when we got home from the airport.

The family dynamics wasn't as bad as I expected while there. You see, I'm not clean, yet. With that comes a certain amount of prejudice or stigma. Perhaps stigma is a better word. What they believe an addict to be. What they believe me to be. I can assure you that not all addicts are 'tared from the same brush'. We are not all the same. Some of us strive to maintain our morals and hold onto our humanity even as we try to fight our addictions.

It's hard to acknowledge that at times one does care what others think of them. Very much so in this instance because I still consider them family. My kids family... my family. My kids Nana doesn't think I should be able to attend my daughter's wedding. Granted she also didn't think I had the right to enter the group home my son is currently living in, which has nothing to do with my addiction. My ex apparently seems to think I would use drugs around my grandson. All of which I'm properly peeved over.

So yes I'm still using. To put into perspective, a lot less them most people drink alcohol and smoke weed. Not that that justifies my using because it doesn't. Every day I'm trying to kick that habit back into remission where it belongs. Some weeks are better then others. It's one helluva uphill battle. Most days I'm fighting it alone. But then again being alone in these battles is not so new to me. However trying to do it for 2 people is tougher then I was prepared for.

I think my biggest hurdle is facing all the pain of betrayal that I felt when everything came to light. It still hurts, alot. Perhaps it's a grieving process. I'm ok with it all as much as I can be. I don't resent anyone or even have hard feelings. It just still hurts and I think I'm shying away from that pain. I'm working on it, daily, as I know I have to move on.

As for my marriage. I think we have spent this year in a state of limbo. Going nowhere. Mentally I think I've found my limit on what I can carry. I have to say at the moment that I'm quit worn out.

And ready for bed...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2018. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

This circus has 2 Ringleaders

I think I'm just going to have to accept that my life is never going to be without it's complications.

A couple of days ago I meet with my counselor from the ADAPT program for addiction.

Without going into all the dirty details... I found out that my husband and daughter were using drugs together. I found out that my husband didn't go and stay clean 4 years ago like I thought he did. I found out that everyone but me knew that he was using and helped him and my daughter to keep it from me.  I know right... 3 months later and yeah it still hurts big time. However it is getting better.

Some may be thinking: leave him, kick him out....

Whether you believe addiction is a disease or not, it's not something that I believe in turning my back on family for. After-all I'm an addict too and well I ended up relapsing too. Sad yes I know. Basically 15 years clean of my drug of choice and I'm back struggling with urges that I thought were long in my past.

So even if I did leave my husband. That still leaves my daughter. Like the title says: This circus has 2 Ringleaders: Senior is my husband, Junior is my daughter. It also has an 11 month old baby that needs his family.

I understand addiction, which helps, however it's not helping me with my feelings of betrayal, hurt and of course the anger. Honestly thinking back I couldn't have coped without something. Using helped me to be able to think about it all without completely losing it. In hindsight I guess a prescription of Valium or Perks would have been the more logical choice or at least the choice that wouldn't have ended up with my daughter making the choice to put her son in foster care.

Still I find myself not regretting the choice to use with my husband. Amidst all the rest, jealousy reared it's ugly head. Jealousy that my daughter had a relationship with my husband that I wasn't a part of or even understood. Using comes with a certain amount of intimacy. An intimacy that my husband and I had long lost. Now I know why but for the past say two years I couldn't understand what was happening or why.

As with any addiction it's progressive. As time was going by the family unit was dying. There was no family time of watching our TV shows like we used to during the week after dinner. No spending the weekends together. Everyone was busy... I was home, with the baby most of the time, being 'the curtain'. The person that was helping to present to the rest of the world and The Children's Aid Society the happy, stable, functioning lie that everything was ok.

What happened when I joined that circus? It seems I became the bad guy for a lot of people. Everyone was ok with me being in the dark and being lied to. Not so much ok with me letting the curtain fall and all hell break lose. Well tough shit I say!

I'm done being everyone else's pillar or curtain or justification for any of their choices.

So many emotions I'm still struggling with. So many times I have heard from different people since I found out that they are so happy that I now know because they didn't like lying to me. Really! Great, thanks! Now that everyone else is absolved of feeling any guilt over their actions... Yes I still sometimes wonder how they can look me in the face at all. Like I said I understand addiction but that doesn't really help that much. The lying and manipulations are a choice and don't have to be a part of using.

There are so many things from the past couple of years that at the time I was so utterly confused and frustrated about because I couldn't understand what was going on. It was all just making me feel like a failure... Nothing I was doing was right or helping or fixing what I could see was falling apart but like I said: didn't know why.

So many situations that have been tainted with the truth of it all. One being my wedding. I'm pretty sure they all feel pretty good about the fact that they were all apparently without drugs on my special day. Not saying much for the rest of the trip or the fact that my husband and his brother couldn't seem to get it together enough to even dress themselves properly. I can now think about that day and look at pictures and still feel some form of happiness that it was my wedding day. I still love my wedding dress!

I finally got around to tidying up my basement and starting a new puzzle. I love doing puzzles. Our basement walls are covered in the puzzles we have as a family done together... unfortunately I was the only straight one doing them. For a bit I couldn't look at them without wanting to take them all down. The puzzle I started is a new one that has nothing to do with the past. My own form of therapy.

There are more... I've asked my counselor with ways to cope with the short term feelings of hurt and anger that overcome me when certain things come to light. We will discuss these next week. As time goes by there will be more situations that will make sense now that I have a clue.

From the start my daughter has said to me: How could you have not know? You had blinders on. I say: No, not really. One can't see what one doesn't know. How could I know the difference between my husband or her for that matter, using and not using if they were never clean?

Now I'm working on getting some structure back into my own life. Getting back into using my stepper and exercising. I started back doing my inside sales job a couple of days ago. Eating right, sleeping right. Back on my anti-depressants.

Most of all, wanting to find a way to get my grandson back with family, however that might look like. My daughter is currently living in a dry-group home. Which means they monitor for drugs and alcohol. Baby-daddy is currently living with me. Another complicated situation. Visitation at the moment is one day a week at my place and one day a week with my daughter at the group home. The times should go up with each passing week as long as we all stay clean.

Not sure how all that is going to play out. My daughter needs to be in her own place in order to get her son back full time. Or back here but she seems pretty determined that my place is not a safe place. I say: bullshit! How safe my place is, is on her own choices and always have been. She will have to make the same choices here or on her own when it comes to using. But for the moment these are not my choices to make. I'm really hoping that given the time her and baby-daddy will get their son back.

Now for some good news! My son is doing really good. I guess just over a month ago, he was transferred to a group home. Yes a big step. A lot more freedom however still with structure when it comes to taking his medications. He calls me once or twice a week. Usually just to talk about what is going on with his laptop and the games that he is playing.

Time for a fresh cup of coffee and my Facebook games!

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.