Tuesday, April 16, 2019

An apology...

I have debated deleting some of my blog posts as they have perhaps been a bit to harsh. While I try not to, a lot of the times when I blog it's because I'm feeling overwhelmed with things and I find this a great outlet. Of course being a public blog, anyone can read it... I have thought about changing that as well however that is just my emotions getting in the way again.

So while I am not deleting anything, I am deeply sorry that anything that I have written has caused my daughter any pain or upset.

Regardless of anything that I have written, my daughter is and always has been someone that I look up to. None of us are perfect, certainly not myself. I know I still have a long ways to go to be the person that I want to be.

As for my daughter... A phrase I have always liked: Perfectly imperfect. She's beautiful inside and out. She has a heart of gold and has forgiven me more then any mother could hope for. With her to lead the way I am now over 6 months clean and I have found my faith. She has given me a precious gift of being grandmother.

So to my daughter: I hope that you will always know how much I love you and what having you in my life means to me. I really wouldn't change any of it.

Love Mom.

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Saturday, March 23, 2019

6 months clean. Now what? Praying.

On the 17th I was clean from drugs for 6 months. As I'm sure I've said before, being clean is actually the easiest thing in my life right now. Living in a drug free environment I'm sure plays a big part.

Would that one day I could say that my son had some clean time under his belt. The last time he was here he again mentioned living with us. I don't really know exactly what the plan is or who is doing what however it seems that his dad is helping him to save to get his own place as the group home he is living in is closing. While my son is looking forward to this change, I am not. I have no idea who is going to be responsible for his medications, him taking them, or who is going to have control over his money. The condition for him living with me is that I have power of attorney. Trust me the last thing I want is to have control over his money and medications however given that we know what is capable of happening when he is sick, we can't have that around my grandson.

My son smokes a lot of marijuana. The last time he was here he actually didn't smoke a lot on the first night. What a difference. It was like having my son here. I know there are a lot of benefits to marijuana however not if one has psychosis. I certainly wish the world or those who advocate for it understood the damage it does to someone predisposed to psychosis. It's not a one size fits all. My son doesn't smoke too much then get all cuddly and get the munchies. He loses contact with this world in a bad way.

I've thought about calling his dad and asking what the plan is.... Given past experience I'm not sure it would do much good. I would probably get accused of meddling and/or get a lot of: I don't knows....

A couple of weeks ago my hubby left to go back to where we moved from last year, for work. He didn't leave in a good way and I wasn't a part of the decision to go. In fact I've had to make it known that we didn't break up. Not that it didn't feel like it at the time.

I've been reading a book called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. His website: Gary Thomas
I can honestly say that I love this book. The hard part is that the more it shows me how a marriage could be, the more it shows me how lacking my own marriage is. Don't get me wrong, my marriage is something I can't even imagine myself walking away from. I have a lot of work ahead of me. Not just as a wife but as a newly born Christian woman.

I think I have finally gotten rid of most of the fleas on my cats. At least I haven't found any on them in the last week. Knock on wood. Apparently vinegar kills and repels them so I've started mopping my floors with it. It's also not harmful to the cats like most store bought household cleaners so bonus.

Here where I'm living, it seems like spring has finally sprung! Can't say the same for where hubby is. Karma ;) I know... not really nice of me but what can I say... I've been trying to get into the habit of getting myself and my grandson outside for a bit during the day now to enjoy the nice weather.

I also need to start getting healthy again and lose a little weight. All my 'big' cloths are now my tight cloths. Not that I'm complaining as it's part of the recovery process. Having gone so long without getting the right nutrition or even enough to eat due to using, I have to give my body a break and rebuild some stamina. Still it's time....

I had other things on my mind to B about... However I will leave them in my head where they belong. Actually I will give them God, where they belong. Just another step in the process of learning to let go. Now I'm learning to: Let go and let God.

I'm also working on something that I thought I had a good handle on and that's unconditional love. When it comes to my children and most of the world, it's easy. When it comes to my hubby, not so much. It's harder when you have expectations of someone that you consider to by half of yourself and therefore half as capable.

Bye for now....

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Relationships, Church, Recovery and live goes on.

I will start with my son... He is good. Still smoking too much marijuana and drinking too much. Not to sure what it will take to change that. We pick him up from his Nanna's on Sunday after church and after he is done work and he spends the night. He works 2 days a week and is taking his medications. I am grateful for the mental health system as he is still under it and therefor medication compliant which as far as I can see what is keeping him stable.

Hubby and I go to church every Sunday. Slowly I am taking on some of the responsibility of church media. I am rediscovering my relationship with God. In all honesty it may be the only relationship that is making much sense to me right now and helping me to deal with the ones that aren't making any sense.

Hubby and I seem up and down on a daily basis. More down then up... I don't know what is happening with him and there is a part of me that doesn't want to figure it out anymore.

As I try to learn some scripture and how to walk in life following his teachings... I'm trying to learn how to take myself, or my emotions, out of the picture as it's usually our emotions that confuse things. His are all over the place and normally negative. So as I try to keep myself in a place of calm I find myself having to pull away. Not a good thing I guess when it's your marriage however it's that or we are both negative and I no longer want to be a part of living life in such a way.

Part of rediscovering my relationship with God is learning to have faith and trust in his ability to take care of things. I, of course, am have trouble with that as I'm a bit of a control freak when it comes to having control over the things I'm expected to be responsible for. However therein also lies the answer. I am not responsible for.... anything except my own-self and reactions.

Then there is my relationship with my daughter, her hubby and their son. I think my daughter and I are both experiencing adjustment issues and even at times regret. Or maybe it's just me... It's hard to tell as there is so much I can't say to her. That's not true... I can however her reactions are generally pretty strong. I struggle with understanding that as it seems that others can say so much more to her with less reaction yet I've been the one that has always been the most understanding and non-judgmental. Perhaps that in itself is the problem. I really don't know anymore.

So I find myself yet again trying to take myself out of the equation. Well how do I do that when we are all sharing the same home. It's tough. There is so much that I see that I am so disappointed to see. Trust me I don't expect to see them being the perfect parents as none of us are and as grandparents we generally get the opportunity to try to do better then we did as parents. However there are still minimum expectations that one should have of being sober parents and I don't see them.

Which brings me to recovery. I am now 4 months clean from drugs. That has been the easiest if you can believe that. My cravings are usually dependent on what is happening around me emotionally. Which is also why I find myself pulling away from a lot. I know that I have probably disappointed my daughter in that I have not been attending recovery meetings with her. I thought that it would be something that I would need however it's not as addiction is the least of my concerns. Also I have been through it all before and regardless of using or not, most of the steps are how I've tried to live my life for a long time. It's just not something that I feel that I need right now.

Recovery for me is so much more then just not using. It's changing the way you think, act and react. It's taking responsibility for your own actions and choices.

One day I made a comment to my hubby regarding how many cigarettes I was smoking. I told him that as long as he put them in front of me, I would smoke them. I did the same thing with cocaine. For months I blamed my addiction on him. I couldn't get clean because he was bringing it home... He stopped bringing it home once I took responsibility for my own actions and made the choice to no longer have it in my life, period.

As to what I see here... My own opinion of course. I see people living an addicts life, sober. Meaning not much is changing with respect to taking responsibility for one's actions and trying to be better. How do I tell my daughter and hubby, nicely, that it's like they are in competition on who can be the worst... That because one does wrong it doesn't mean the other does wrong too. In the end it's my grandson that is losing and honestly it is driving me nuts.

I have seriously questioned my decision to be here in the last 3 months. I have come to terms with that and I am glad that I came. It's just the day to day dealings that I do struggle with. I moved her not to room and board and share a whole house but to rent a separate basement suite. That hasn't worked out so well so far. My kitchen is the laundry room. So basically I have a barely functioning kitchen and so far little has been done to correct that.

I do however have new floors in my living room. The house has fleas and we have been trying really hard to get rid of them as my own cat has herself chewed raw. Treating the cats is not enough when they are still in the home so we have been ripping up all the old carpets. Hubby took out the ones in our living room and his room. Yes we still have our own room ;). My daughter's hubby then laid some hardwood floor in my living room. On this I would say hubby and I were both impressed. He is really good at what he does and did a really good job. They have now started ripping up the carpets upstairs as well.

I babysit my grandson... My daughter started work a couple of months ago which I'm very proud of her. While taking care of him is a joy that I am so grateful to have in my life it is also hard at times. Most of the time I don't even know day to day if I'm babysitting. While I want them to be able to rely on me to be there I also don't want to be taken for granted and just assume that whenever they need, I'm there, with no warning.

I'm off for now. Time to make a fresh coffee...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.