Tuesday, December 3, 2019

Tis the season. Merry Christmas!

Firstly I would like to wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

All I can think is wow what a year and I can't wait for it to be over...

At church I had my eyes opened to a word that I never really thought about before other then seeing it in the stores on advent calendars. You know the ones with little chocolates in it to countdown the days until Christmas. Well advent is the 4 weeks leading up to the celebration of the birth of Jesus.

I'm sure a lot has questioned the timing of this as I think most of us realize that Jesus wasn't born at Christmas. He was born sometime between March and October. While our calendars date the start of a new year in January... That was not always the case. Spring is the beginning. A time of renewal.

I seriously love Christmas! The last couple of years have been harder to celebrate and this year... I'm going to do my best to celebrate from the point of advent. A time to slow down and enjoy. A time of being grateful for what I do have. Yes a lot easier said than done.

We are pretty much settled into our new 'little' home. A lot to learn and a lot to not take for granted. Water, plumping, sewer, heating, condensation and cooking in a propane oven. All of it needs to be paid attention to and not taken for granted. I've pretty much got the timing of emptying our holding tanks figured out. Getting condensation in my closet and cupboards under control. Showering... Another adjustment on time and water management. Now it's trying to figure out how to cut down on drafts and better heat the place.

When it's just me and hubby here it's not so bad when it comes to lack of room. Add my son and sometimes my daughter and grandson. It gets a little tight. I feel bad when I tell my daughter no to babysitting however spending the day keeping the little one out of or away from my son and his 'mess' is not something one can look forward too. ;)

My son asked last night if he can half move in. He is going off of disability and the group home wants him to pay out of pocket more than what disability covered. I would have to agree with him that staying there wouldn't make sense. I have on occasion tried to look for housing for him. He's supposed to be getting help with this however I guess no one is having any luck with it.

Almost a month ago hubby had a mild stroke. He's gone off medications that he was taking to help stabilize his moods. Between that and his loss of feeling and functioning in his right side, it's hard for him to move around in such little space. Add my son who is in and out a lot of the night which keeps the trailer rocking and disturbing his sleep.

The doctor put hubby on blood pressure and cholesterol medications. His blood pressure is now the best it's been in years so that's a good thing. He's finally not bulking at me trying to put us on a better diet of less salt, sugar and just overall more healthy. Struggling to get used to his CPAP machine for sleep apnea. He needs to get used to it though as sleep apnea causes lack of oxygen to the brain therefore causing more stress on the body and therefor raising blood pressure.

Where am I at with all this? Most days struggling. A couple of times I've been all gung-ho about going back to work. Honestly a part of me is so looking forward to getting back out there around people and helping to financially support us. Okay... Just planning getting out of here. I feel stifled.

Each time I start something happens that makes me rethink what I'm doing. Aside for all the rest I'm in the beginning stages of menopause. Possible about to go fully menopausal. My normal cycle is every 21 days. Yup twice a month. I went 4-5 months where I only had 3. Great right! I started looking for work and ended up with 2 last month. Not so great as they hit me hard and heavy. Spent days fighting off a migraine.

Even if I didn't have to worry about that... Guess who does and takes care of pretty much everything? Am I supposed to work and come home and take care of everything at home too? I'm not even sure at this point how capable he is to cook for himself.

Financially things are pretty bad right now. Hubby applied for his pension for September 1st and still hasn't received a dime. We have registered at the food bank which I think hit hubby pretty hard. Why hasn't he received his pension? His ex-wife. I struggle with trying not to have hard feelings towards her. One it's not who I am and two it's not very christian. Still the reality is that she shouldn't even be entitled to any of his pension since when she kicked him out she took the house and all its contents. That's how pensions were dealt with before the new laws that allowed for a division of them. One spouse took the house and one spouse took the pension. Not both! She's also already staked her claim on his CPP which he hasn't filed for yet and isn't going to as filing now he would get decreased payments. As far as I can tell every time she or her lawyer contacts the union they put a hold on hubby's pension paperwork. It's like all I hear is woe is her with little regard to hubby and what is being taken away from him.

I guess the next decision we have to make is whether to let my son stay here from Monday to Friday every week. Last week we had discussed cutting it down a day.

Oh well... If any of my readers want to pray for us I would greatly appreciate it!

I probably won't blog again until the new year. Hopefully it will be with good news that at least his pension is sorted out!

Ohhh I felt my grandaughter move!

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tuesday, October 8, 2019

Loss and Life Changes

It's been a month of changes that are still in the process of happening.

A month ago we lost my son-in-law to an unfortunate accident which set the wheels in motion for a lot of changes for all of us.

I am no longer Nanny to my grandson as he is now in daycare. He has adjusted wonderfully to the change. It's taking me a little more time however I'm getting there.

My daughter is about to start a new journey of being on her own, in her own place. She is also expecting a little girl in February. I'm going to have a granddaughter!

Hubby and I had to make some difficult choices on what to do next as we were in a bit of bind on where to go. Financially it was a pretty bad year for us so we didn't appear to have many options or resources available to us. With some nudging on my hubby's part we looked into the idea of buying a year round trailer to live in. With God's help and a lot of praying we got financing for a used fifth wheel RV.

Hubby applied for his pension just over a month ago and we are currently waiting for that to start paying. Praying we get the paperwork in the mail soon so that we have an income coming in. I'm looking into going back to work so that hubby doesn't have to. The next month will be a bit of juggling until things get straightened out.

The church that we belong to has been a great source of strength and help. Sometimes it's hard to not feel alone however with my faith in God and the people from church coming together in our time of need, it has been an uplifting experience of hope.

The next week or so will be us going through everything we own as we have to downsize a lot. The RV is fully furnished with not a lot of storage space so it's time to 'clean house'.

My son is doing great. I sometimes smile at the realization that he is the least of my concerns and handling his own life pretty good. He's being med compliant and even following through on his own with making calls etc to get his blood work done. I warned him last night that he may not want to visit me next week as I probably won't have any internet. He still wants to come.

I would have to check the date however I'm a year clean sometime this month! Yah me!

Until next time...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Monday, April 29, 2019

The five long languages and self-love.

I find myself sitting here and thinking about what happens when we allow ourselves to become as sick as the people around us.

At one point I was pretty much living and breathing schizophrenia in my quest to help my son. Everything I did was with him in mind and I ended up needing antidepressants myself.

Whether it's mental health or physical health, it's so easy to let ourselves become our environment.

Yesterday was hubby's birthday and two weeks before that was mine... Needless to say it hasn't been a better year with respect to these dates then it has been in the past. I can't recall when the last time was that we shared any of these important dates on a good note. Perhaps we never have. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Mother's Day... All seem to become.... Well worse than any other day.

I have to ask myself why?

My journey of self-discovery with Christianity is teaching me to look at myself first. Even if I don't want to, I find myself expecting more during these times. Expecting my hubby to put others first. To me more precise, to put me first. I really do know better however feelings sadly to not care what is logical. So everytime I set myself up for hurt.

Really the fault is mine. I shouldn't expect more on any given day. I shouldn't put my hopes in other people's actions. I know where my hope should be... Where my longing for love should be. It's not with Man. It's with God. I know He is the only one that can fill that emptiness. Still not as easy as that. I wish it was. That's where expectations tend to mess things up.

I have recently learned about the five love languages. While we receive and give love using all five: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and physical touch, we tend to appreciate one or more of these more then the others.

Hubby and I actually discussed these a little bit one day and are now more aware of what each others are. You would think that would help us.... It only helps when one is willing to look outside oneself.

I did a self-test and discovered I seem to be in a three-way tie with words of affirmation, acts of service and quality time. Still I know that my main one is acts of service. It's how I show everyone that I love them, by doing things for them. Words have very little meaning to me when actions are not there to support the words. It's certainly not physical touch since I tend to shy away for physical contact. My hubby's is most likely physical touch. I've always known that to some degree. So even when we are not getting along I still hold his hand when we are out because if I don't... Things just keep going downhill.

So it's expectations that like I said, mess things up. Now that he knows my love language... Nothing has changed.

The fault is with me, expecting things to chance.

Physically and mentally that puts me in a situation where I am allowing someone else to have control over my health. Because I want hubby to show me that he loves me by doing something... anything. Make a healthy dinner. Keep his word. The list can go on. I get unhealthy. I wait for someone else to take care of me and I get disappointed when it doesn't happen.

It's a cycle I need to break. I know what I need and I know how to take care of myself. I know when I'm doing these things for myself that I feel so much better. Physically and mentally.

Time for me to do my exercises and eat before I get my grandson for the day.

To all the caregivers out there: Take care of yourself. Take the time to eat right and find some me-time to do something that is selfishly for yourself only.

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.