Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Relationships, Church, Recovery and live goes on.

I will start with my son... He is good. Still smoking too much marijuana and drinking too much. Not to sure what it will take to change that. We pick him up from his Nanna's on Sunday after church and after he is done work and he spends the night. He works 2 days a week and is taking his medications. I am grateful for the mental health system as he is still under it and therefor medication compliant which as far as I can see what is keeping him stable.

Hubby and I go to church every Sunday. Slowly I am taking on some of the responsibility of church media. I am rediscovering my relationship with God. In all honesty it may be the only relationship that is making much sense to me right now and helping me to deal with the ones that aren't making any sense.

Hubby and I seem up and down on a daily basis. More down then up... I don't know what is happening with him and there is a part of me that doesn't want to figure it out anymore.

As I try to learn some scripture and how to walk in life following his teachings... I'm trying to learn how to take myself, or my emotions, out of the picture as it's usually our emotions that confuse things. His are all over the place and normally negative. So as I try to keep myself in a place of calm I find myself having to pull away. Not a good thing I guess when it's your marriage however it's that or we are both negative and I no longer want to be a part of living life in such a way.

Part of rediscovering my relationship with God is learning to have faith and trust in his ability to take care of things. I, of course, am have trouble with that as I'm a bit of a control freak when it comes to having control over the things I'm expected to be responsible for. However therein also lies the answer. I am not responsible for.... anything except my own-self and reactions.

Then there is my relationship with my daughter, her hubby and their son. I think my daughter and I are both experiencing adjustment issues and even at times regret. Or maybe it's just me... It's hard to tell as there is so much I can't say to her. That's not true... I can however her reactions are generally pretty strong. I struggle with understanding that as it seems that others can say so much more to her with less reaction yet I've been the one that has always been the most understanding and non-judgmental. Perhaps that in itself is the problem. I really don't know anymore.

So I find myself yet again trying to take myself out of the equation. Well how do I do that when we are all sharing the same home. It's tough. There is so much that I see that I am so disappointed to see. Trust me I don't expect to see them being the perfect parents as none of us are and as grandparents we generally get the opportunity to try to do better then we did as parents. However there are still minimum expectations that one should have of being sober parents and I don't see them.

Which brings me to recovery. I am now 4 months clean from drugs. That has been the easiest if you can believe that. My cravings are usually dependent on what is happening around me emotionally. Which is also why I find myself pulling away from a lot. I know that I have probably disappointed my daughter in that I have not been attending recovery meetings with her. I thought that it would be something that I would need however it's not as addiction is the least of my concerns. Also I have been through it all before and regardless of using or not, most of the steps are how I've tried to live my life for a long time. It's just not something that I feel that I need right now.

Recovery for me is so much more then just not using. It's changing the way you think, act and react. It's taking responsibility for your own actions and choices.

One day I made a comment to my hubby regarding how many cigarettes I was smoking. I told him that as long as he put them in front of me, I would smoke them. I did the same thing with cocaine. For months I blamed my addiction on him. I couldn't get clean because he was bringing it home... He stopped bringing it home once I took responsibility for my own actions and made the choice to no longer have it in my life, period.

As to what I see here... My own opinion of course. I see people living an addicts life, sober. Meaning not much is changing with respect to taking responsibility for one's actions and trying to be better. How do I tell my daughter and hubby, nicely, that it's like they are in competition on who can be the worst... That because one does wrong it doesn't mean the other does wrong too. In the end it's my grandson that is losing and honestly it is driving me nuts.

I have seriously questioned my decision to be here in the last 3 months. I have come to terms with that and I am glad that I came. It's just the day to day dealings that I do struggle with. I moved her not to room and board and share a whole house but to rent a separate basement suite. That hasn't worked out so well so far. My kitchen is the laundry room. So basically I have a barely functioning kitchen and so far little has been done to correct that.

I do however have new floors in my living room. The house has fleas and we have been trying really hard to get rid of them as my own cat has herself chewed raw. Treating the cats is not enough when they are still in the home so we have been ripping up all the old carpets. Hubby took out the ones in our living room and his room. Yes we still have our own room ;). My daughter's hubby then laid some hardwood floor in my living room. On this I would say hubby and I were both impressed. He is really good at what he does and did a really good job. They have now started ripping up the carpets upstairs as well.

I babysit my grandson... My daughter started work a couple of months ago which I'm very proud of her. While taking care of him is a joy that I am so grateful to have in my life it is also hard at times. Most of the time I don't even know day to day if I'm babysitting. While I want them to be able to rely on me to be there I also don't want to be taken for granted and just assume that whenever they need, I'm there, with no warning.

I'm off for now. Time to make a fresh coffee...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Saturday, December 8, 2018

Another move... 2 month chip.

Yes we moved again...

This time we pretty much moved across Canada, from Ontario to British Columbia. We have moved into an in-law suite in my daughter's basement.

The drive itself went much better than I was expecting. Being here has been a bit more of an adjustment then I was expecting. At the moment we are mostly in our own suite however don't have a functioning kitchen yet so I think we are all finding it a little bit since everyone is used to having their own space.

Upside... I'm finally in the same province as both of my kids (and my grandson) which hasn't been since my kids where small.

For the first time in a couple of years now I have set up my christmas tree... There are now 4 cats in the household and 2 of them are loving my tree! ;) Been doing some reading and it looks like I may have to try cayenne pepper. It's not the tree so much but the electrical since my tree came with the lights already strung on it and I don't want one of them chewing on a bulb.

I have seen my son a couple of times. He is doing good. Pretty much the same as he has been for the past couple of years. Smoking weed, it's now legal here, which noticeably triggers some of his 'different' thinking. Of course it took all of about 1 hour of him seeing me to ask about moving in with me. If I was on my own then I would seriously consider working with him on it however I'm not and I'm pretty sure without the system in place that is keeping him on his medications than relapse would be a distinct possibility.

I went to a CA (cocaine anonymous) meeting with my daughter the other night and received my 2 month chip or fop for being clean. Yeah me!

I think I'm one of the lucky addicts that as long as it's not in my environment then I'm good. In July I came out to see my daughter and that gave me a break from the using. A chance to get my feet under me and my thinking clear enough to know that an addicts life is not the life that I want for myself. So with a little backbone or what I call 'won't power', I was finally able to find the strength to start on the right path to recovery.

Just wanted to pop in and do a quick update....

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Friday, August 31, 2018

Just a quick hello

I'm sorry for those that follow this blog for how long it's been. A year...

We moved, my hubby and I, into a 2 bedroom apartment last. I like it, hubby doesn't.

My daughter is doing awesome! She has her son and is engaged. She recently took her one year for being clean. Her fiance too. Sadly they aren't living close as they moved to BC last year.

I can't say last year ended on a good note. First time I didn't put up a Christmas Tree. Well it's over now.

My son is still doing very good. In fact...

I saw him and my daughter and grandson last month! Too see them all together was beyond words and I'm so thankful that I went out to see them. My grandson stole my heart even more. My daughter was worried that I might have too high expectations on him warming up to me. No worries there! He wanted me to take him out of his car seat when we got home from the airport.

The family dynamics wasn't as bad as I expected while there. You see, I'm not clean, yet. With that comes a certain amount of prejudice or stigma. Perhaps stigma is a better word. What they believe an addict to be. What they believe me to be. I can assure you that not all addicts are 'tared from the same brush'. We are not all the same. Some of us strive to maintain our morals and hold onto our humanity even as we try to fight our addictions.

It's hard to acknowledge that at times one does care what others think of them. Very much so in this instance because I still consider them family. My kids family... my family. My kids Nana doesn't think I should be able to attend my daughter's wedding. Granted she also didn't think I had the right to enter the group home my son is currently living in, which has nothing to do with my addiction. My ex apparently seems to think I would use drugs around my grandson. All of which I'm properly peeved over.

So yes I'm still using. To put into perspective, a lot less them most people drink alcohol and smoke weed. Not that that justifies my using because it doesn't. Every day I'm trying to kick that habit back into remission where it belongs. Some weeks are better then others. It's one helluva uphill battle. Most days I'm fighting it alone. But then again being alone in these battles is not so new to me. However trying to do it for 2 people is tougher then I was prepared for.

I think my biggest hurdle is facing all the pain of betrayal that I felt when everything came to light. It still hurts, alot. Perhaps it's a grieving process. I'm ok with it all as much as I can be. I don't resent anyone or even have hard feelings. It just still hurts and I think I'm shying away from that pain. I'm working on it, daily, as I know I have to move on.

As for my marriage. I think we have spent this year in a state of limbo. Going nowhere. Mentally I think I've found my limit on what I can carry. I have to say at the moment that I'm quit worn out.

And ready for bed...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2018. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.