Monday, April 29, 2019

The five long languages and self-love.

I find myself sitting here and thinking about what happens when we allow ourselves to become as sick as the people around us.

At one point I was pretty much living and breathing schizophrenia in my quest to help my son. Everything I did was with him in mind and I ended up needing antidepressants myself.

Whether it's mental health or physical health, it's so easy to let ourselves become our environment.

Yesterday was hubby's birthday and two weeks before that was mine... Needless to say it hasn't been a better year with respect to these dates then it has been in the past. I can't recall when the last time was that we shared any of these important dates on a good note. Perhaps we never have. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Mother's Day... All seem to become.... Well worse than any other day.

I have to ask myself why?

My journey of self-discovery with Christianity is teaching me to look at myself first. Even if I don't want to, I find myself expecting more during these times. Expecting my hubby to put others first. To me more precise, to put me first. I really do know better however feelings sadly to not care what is logical. So everytime I set myself up for hurt.

Really the fault is mine. I shouldn't expect more on any given day. I shouldn't put my hopes in other people's actions. I know where my hope should be... Where my longing for love should be. It's not with Man. It's with God. I know He is the only one that can fill that emptiness. Still not as easy as that. I wish it was. That's where expectations tend to mess things up.

I have recently learned about the five love languages. While we receive and give love using all five: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and physical touch, we tend to appreciate one or more of these more then the others.

Hubby and I actually discussed these a little bit one day and are now more aware of what each others are. You would think that would help us.... It only helps when one is willing to look outside oneself.

I did a self-test and discovered I seem to be in a three-way tie with words of affirmation, acts of service and quality time. Still I know that my main one is acts of service. It's how I show everyone that I love them, by doing things for them. Words have very little meaning to me when actions are not there to support the words. It's certainly not physical touch since I tend to shy away for physical contact. My hubby's is most likely physical touch. I've always known that to some degree. So even when we are not getting along I still hold his hand when we are out because if I don't... Things just keep going downhill.

So it's expectations that like I said, mess things up. Now that he knows my love language... Nothing has changed.

The fault is with me, expecting things to chance.

Physically and mentally that puts me in a situation where I am allowing someone else to have control over my health. Because I want hubby to show me that he loves me by doing something... anything. Make a healthy dinner. Keep his word. The list can go on. I get unhealthy. I wait for someone else to take care of me and I get disappointed when it doesn't happen.

It's a cycle I need to break. I know what I need and I know how to take care of myself. I know when I'm doing these things for myself that I feel so much better. Physically and mentally.

Time for me to do my exercises and eat before I get my grandson for the day.

To all the caregivers out there: Take care of yourself. Take the time to eat right and find some me-time to do something that is selfishly for yourself only.

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

An apology...

I have debated deleting some of my blog posts as they have perhaps been a bit to harsh. While I try not to, a lot of the times when I blog it's because I'm feeling overwhelmed with things and I find this a great outlet. Of course being a public blog, anyone can read it... I have thought about changing that as well however that is just my emotions getting in the way again.

So while I am not deleting anything, I am deeply sorry that anything that I have written has caused my daughter any pain or upset.

Regardless of anything that I have written, my daughter is and always has been someone that I look up to. None of us are perfect, certainly not myself. I know I still have a long ways to go to be the person that I want to be.

As for my daughter... A phrase I have always liked: Perfectly imperfect. She's beautiful inside and out. She has a heart of gold and has forgiven me more then any mother could hope for. With her to lead the way I am now over 6 months clean and I have found my faith. She has given me a precious gift of being grandmother.

So to my daughter: I hope that you will always know how much I love you and what having you in my life means to me. I really wouldn't change any of it.

Love Mom.

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Saturday, March 23, 2019

6 months clean. Now what? Praying.

On the 17th I was clean from drugs for 6 months. As I'm sure I've said before, being clean is actually the easiest thing in my life right now. Living in a drug free environment I'm sure plays a big part.

Would that one day I could say that my son had some clean time under his belt. The last time he was here he again mentioned living with us. I don't really know exactly what the plan is or who is doing what however it seems that his dad is helping him to save to get his own place as the group home he is living in is closing. While my son is looking forward to this change, I am not. I have no idea who is going to be responsible for his medications, him taking them, or who is going to have control over his money. The condition for him living with me is that I have power of attorney. Trust me the last thing I want is to have control over his money and medications however given that we know what is capable of happening when he is sick, we can't have that around my grandson.

My son smokes a lot of marijuana. The last time he was here he actually didn't smoke a lot on the first night. What a difference. It was like having my son here. I know there are a lot of benefits to marijuana however not if one has psychosis. I certainly wish the world or those who advocate for it understood the damage it does to someone predisposed to psychosis. It's not a one size fits all. My son doesn't smoke too much then get all cuddly and get the munchies. He loses contact with this world in a bad way.

I've thought about calling his dad and asking what the plan is.... Given past experience I'm not sure it would do much good. I would probably get accused of meddling and/or get a lot of: I don't knows....

A couple of weeks ago my hubby left to go back to where we moved from last year, for work. He didn't leave in a good way and I wasn't a part of the decision to go. In fact I've had to make it known that we didn't break up. Not that it didn't feel like it at the time.

I've been reading a book called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. His website: Gary Thomas
I can honestly say that I love this book. The hard part is that the more it shows me how a marriage could be, the more it shows me how lacking my own marriage is. Don't get me wrong, my marriage is something I can't even imagine myself walking away from. I have a lot of work ahead of me. Not just as a wife but as a newly born Christian woman.

I think I have finally gotten rid of most of the fleas on my cats. At least I haven't found any on them in the last week. Knock on wood. Apparently vinegar kills and repels them so I've started mopping my floors with it. It's also not harmful to the cats like most store bought household cleaners so bonus.

Here where I'm living, it seems like spring has finally sprung! Can't say the same for where hubby is. Karma ;) I know... not really nice of me but what can I say... I've been trying to get into the habit of getting myself and my grandson outside for a bit during the day now to enjoy the nice weather.

I also need to start getting healthy again and lose a little weight. All my 'big' cloths are now my tight cloths. Not that I'm complaining as it's part of the recovery process. Having gone so long without getting the right nutrition or even enough to eat due to using, I have to give my body a break and rebuild some stamina. Still it's time....

I had other things on my mind to B about... However I will leave them in my head where they belong. Actually I will give them God, where they belong. Just another step in the process of learning to let go. Now I'm learning to: Let go and let God.

I'm also working on something that I thought I had a good handle on and that's unconditional love. When it comes to my children and most of the world, it's easy. When it comes to my hubby, not so much. It's harder when you have expectations of someone that you consider to by half of yourself and therefore half as capable.

Bye for now....

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.