Friday, August 31, 2018

Just a quick hello

I'm sorry for those that follow this blog for how long it's been. A year...

We moved, my hubby and I, into a 2 bedroom apartment last. I like it, hubby doesn't.

My daughter is doing awesome! She has her son and is engaged. She recently took her one year for being clean. Her fiance too. Sadly they aren't living close as they moved to BC last year.

I can't say last year ended on a good note. First time I didn't put up a Christmas Tree. Well it's over now.

My son is still doing very good. In fact...

I saw him and my daughter and grandson last month! Too see them all together was beyond words and I'm so thankful that I went out to see them. My grandson stole my heart even more. My daughter was worried that I might have too high expectations on him warming up to me. No worries there! He wanted me to take him out of his car seat when we got home from the airport.

The family dynamics wasn't as bad as I expected while there. You see, I'm not clean, yet. With that comes a certain amount of prejudice or stigma. Perhaps stigma is a better word. What they believe an addict to be. What they believe me to be. I can assure you that not all addicts are 'tared from the same brush'. We are not all the same. Some of us strive to maintain our morals and hold onto our humanity even as we try to fight our addictions.

It's hard to acknowledge that at times one does care what others think of them. Very much so in this instance because I still consider them family. My kids family... my family. My kids Nana doesn't think I should be able to attend my daughter's wedding. Granted she also didn't think I had the right to enter the group home my son is currently living in, which has nothing to do with my addiction. My ex apparently seems to think I would use drugs around my grandson. All of which I'm properly peeved over.

So yes I'm still using. To put into perspective, a lot less them most people drink alcohol and smoke weed. Not that that justifies my using because it doesn't. Every day I'm trying to kick that habit back into remission where it belongs. Some weeks are better then others. It's one helluva uphill battle. Most days I'm fighting it alone. But then again being alone in these battles is not so new to me. However trying to do it for 2 people is tougher then I was prepared for.

I think my biggest hurdle is facing all the pain of betrayal that I felt when everything came to light. It still hurts, alot. Perhaps it's a grieving process. I'm ok with it all as much as I can be. I don't resent anyone or even have hard feelings. It just still hurts and I think I'm shying away from that pain. I'm working on it, daily, as I know I have to move on.

As for my marriage. I think we have spent this year in a state of limbo. Going nowhere. Mentally I think I've found my limit on what I can carry. I have to say at the moment that I'm quit worn out.

And ready for bed...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2018. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

This circus has 2 Ringleaders

I think I'm just going to have to accept that my life is never going to be without it's complications.

A couple of days ago I meet with my counselor from the ADAPT program for addiction.

Without going into all the dirty details... I found out that my husband and daughter were using drugs together. I found out that my husband didn't go and stay clean 4 years ago like I thought he did. I found out that everyone but me knew that he was using and helped him and my daughter to keep it from me.  I know right... 3 months later and yeah it still hurts big time. However it is getting better.

Some may be thinking: leave him, kick him out....

Whether you believe addiction is a disease or not, it's not something that I believe in turning my back on family for. After-all I'm an addict too and well I ended up relapsing too. Sad yes I know. Basically 15 years clean of my drug of choice and I'm back struggling with urges that I thought were long in my past.

So even if I did leave my husband. That still leaves my daughter. Like the title says: This circus has 2 Ringleaders: Senior is my husband, Junior is my daughter. It also has an 11 month old baby that needs his family.

I understand addiction, which helps, however it's not helping me with my feelings of betrayal, hurt and of course the anger. Honestly thinking back I couldn't have coped without something. Using helped me to be able to think about it all without completely losing it. In hindsight I guess a prescription of Valium or Perks would have been the more logical choice or at least the choice that wouldn't have ended up with my daughter making the choice to put her son in foster care.

Still I find myself not regretting the choice to use with my husband. Amidst all the rest, jealousy reared it's ugly head. Jealousy that my daughter had a relationship with my husband that I wasn't a part of or even understood. Using comes with a certain amount of intimacy. An intimacy that my husband and I had long lost. Now I know why but for the past say two years I couldn't understand what was happening or why.

As with any addiction it's progressive. As time was going by the family unit was dying. There was no family time of watching our TV shows like we used to during the week after dinner. No spending the weekends together. Everyone was busy... I was home, with the baby most of the time, being 'the curtain'. The person that was helping to present to the rest of the world and The Children's Aid Society the happy, stable, functioning lie that everything was ok.

What happened when I joined that circus? It seems I became the bad guy for a lot of people. Everyone was ok with me being in the dark and being lied to. Not so much ok with me letting the curtain fall and all hell break lose. Well tough shit I say!

I'm done being everyone else's pillar or curtain or justification for any of their choices.

So many emotions I'm still struggling with. So many times I have heard from different people since I found out that they are so happy that I now know because they didn't like lying to me. Really! Great, thanks! Now that everyone else is absolved of feeling any guilt over their actions... Yes I still sometimes wonder how they can look me in the face at all. Like I said I understand addiction but that doesn't really help that much. The lying and manipulations are a choice and don't have to be a part of using.

There are so many things from the past couple of years that at the time I was so utterly confused and frustrated about because I couldn't understand what was going on. It was all just making me feel like a failure... Nothing I was doing was right or helping or fixing what I could see was falling apart but like I said: didn't know why.

So many situations that have been tainted with the truth of it all. One being my wedding. I'm pretty sure they all feel pretty good about the fact that they were all apparently without drugs on my special day. Not saying much for the rest of the trip or the fact that my husband and his brother couldn't seem to get it together enough to even dress themselves properly. I can now think about that day and look at pictures and still feel some form of happiness that it was my wedding day. I still love my wedding dress!

I finally got around to tidying up my basement and starting a new puzzle. I love doing puzzles. Our basement walls are covered in the puzzles we have as a family done together... unfortunately I was the only straight one doing them. For a bit I couldn't look at them without wanting to take them all down. The puzzle I started is a new one that has nothing to do with the past. My own form of therapy.

There are more... I've asked my counselor with ways to cope with the short term feelings of hurt and anger that overcome me when certain things come to light. We will discuss these next week. As time goes by there will be more situations that will make sense now that I have a clue.

From the start my daughter has said to me: How could you have not know? You had blinders on. I say: No, not really. One can't see what one doesn't know. How could I know the difference between my husband or her for that matter, using and not using if they were never clean?

Now I'm working on getting some structure back into my own life. Getting back into using my stepper and exercising. I started back doing my inside sales job a couple of days ago. Eating right, sleeping right. Back on my anti-depressants.

Most of all, wanting to find a way to get my grandson back with family, however that might look like. My daughter is currently living in a dry-group home. Which means they monitor for drugs and alcohol. Baby-daddy is currently living with me. Another complicated situation. Visitation at the moment is one day a week at my place and one day a week with my daughter at the group home. The times should go up with each passing week as long as we all stay clean.

Not sure how all that is going to play out. My daughter needs to be in her own place in order to get her son back full time. Or back here but she seems pretty determined that my place is not a safe place. I say: bullshit! How safe my place is, is on her own choices and always have been. She will have to make the same choices here or on her own when it comes to using. But for the moment these are not my choices to make. I'm really hoping that given the time her and baby-daddy will get their son back.

Now for some good news! My son is doing really good. I guess just over a month ago, he was transferred to a group home. Yes a big step. A lot more freedom however still with structure when it comes to taking his medications. He calls me once or twice a week. Usually just to talk about what is going on with his laptop and the games that he is playing.

Time for a fresh cup of coffee and my Facebook games!

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Regret vs Guilt

I took part in my daughter's counselling session today and afterwords I was thinking about something her counselor said. Something to the affect of: It took me a long time to not feel guilty about enjoying my alone time.

I don't know when I stopped feeling guilty as a general rule. Sure there are times when I feel guilt. Like when my son calls and I'm putting my grandson to sleep so I don't answer my phone. I know why he is calling. So yes I feel fleeting moments of it.

I regret a lot of things that have happened but no I don't feel guilt about them anymore. I certainly don't feel guilty about what I feel. Good or bad.

Over the years there have been phrases or teachings that I have held on to. Some are from a rehabilitation course that I took, others from my many hours reading articles on the internet.

There are no right or wrong feelings. We can't not feel what we feel. We can learn to act and react differently to those feelings.

Give yourself the same love and compassion you would someone else. I may expect more from myself that I do others however I'm not harder on myself for those expectations.

My daughter has been having a bit of a tough time emotionally. Adjusting to being a mother doesn't happen overnight. Yes there are and will be times when one wants to walk away from it all. Hand over the crying baby, call someone, anyone, and spend the whole night playing cards....

There are times when I don't want to be Gramma. Strike that. There are times when I don't want to me mom, still. I can feel guilty for feeling that way or I can accept that what I feel is natural and in my opinion, to be expected.

When I give myself the right to feel these things without guilt and react to them with love and compassion then they don't feel so overwhelming anymore. I can feel them and let them pass, as they do.

I wouldn't give up being Mom or Gramma for the world. So letting guilt over feelings that I have no control over, get a hold on me, just doesn't make sense to me.

Sometimes I say things that could be left unsaid. Do things that didn't have to be done. For those things I feel regret. I don't feel guilt. At that moment in time it felt justified or I would not have done or said them.

We have enough things to weigh us down without adding the very things that make us human.

BarbieBF
Mom
Gramma

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2017. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.