Addiction - Self
Medicating
Since addiction and self medicating seems to be a big
part of the lives of people suffering from psychosis and something that I'm
currently trying to work on with my son, I figured I would delve into this
topic next. Let's start with the statistic that 50 percent of schizophrenics
have a substance abuse problem. Personally I think it's higher as I doubt very
much that everyone is telling their psychiatrist that they are self medicating
with street drugs or alcohol. I think I previously noted in another chapter
that my son's medical team went a long time thinking my son was not abusing
when in fact he was, daily.
Studies are showing that 23.5 million Americans are
addicted to alcohol and drugs. Approximately 1 in every 10 over the age of 12,
so 10 percent of the population. Only 11 percent receive treatment. Again I
question that as how many of us tell our doctors that we are depressed because of
drugs or alcohol use. I know I didn't tell my doctor that's why I was
depressed, underweight and unable to cope with life when he prescribed me
anti-depressants. When asked if I did drugs I said no. Of course a simple blood
test would have proven what a lie that was but doctors tend to take us on our
word unless given a reason not to. Addiction affects all of us whether it's a
family member with or without psychosis, a friend or even a co-worker.
In chapter 1 I stated that I consider myself lucky that I
can at least understand addiction. 10 years clean of the hard drugs and today
would still not want the temptation of having them in my vicinity. Recently had
to re-evaluate my life and stop smoking marijuana. Still smoking
cigarettes. Addiction is all around us
in many different forms. Workaholics, alcoholics, drug addicts and smokers. I can't
think of anything else but if it's something you need to do to make yourself
feel better and it's taken over your life then it's an addiction. Some people
are addicted to water, food, starving, caffeine, exercising and self harm. I
remember when I was in a place to detox being told that once they had a patient
that was addicted to water. They had to drain the toilets, etc every night so
the person wouldn't drown themselves drinking water. Even being an addict
myself I find this hard to get my mind around but I do understand the
motivation of wanting something that badly.
I will quote some things from what is called the Big
Book, Alcoholics Anonymous. I still have mine although this is the first I've
looked at it in a long time. They may reference alcoholism but addiction is
addiction be it alcohol, drugs or even nicotine.
"Men and women drink essentially because they like
the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they
admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the
false. To them, the alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are
restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the
sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks - drinks
which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the
desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass
through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm
resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless the
person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his
recovery."
The sense of ease and comfort which comes at once...
Pretty powerful words. To actually feel at ease and comfortable when normally
you don't. Unless the person can experience an entire psychic change there is
very little hope of recovery. Hard enough for someone without psychosis.
"We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that
the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an
allergy: that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never
occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely
use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they
cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon
things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult
to solve.", "In nearly all cases, their ideals must be grounded in a
power greater then themselves, if they are to re-create their lives."
I find myself in a bit of dilemma with this as my son in
his opinion relies little on human things and thinks he is the greater power. Self-confidence
isn't a problem due to his grandiose delusions regarding self. Phenomenon of
cravings and problems being astonishingly difficult to solve are a certainty.
"At a certain point in the drinking of every
alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop
drinking is of absolutely no avail. The tragic situation has already arrived in
practically every case long before it is suspected. The fact is that most
alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink.
Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at
certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory
of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without
defense against the first drink."
Again combine this with delusions and an already skewed
version of reality that allows my son to just forget the negative consequences.
Abstinence is a solution that recovering addicts have to
make. "Almost none of us like the self-searching, the leveling of our
pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its
successful consummation."
Hopefully I have given you a bit of insight into
alcoholism and/or addiction. An even bigger problem arises when drugs and
alcohol are being used to self medicate and deal with symptoms of a mental
illness that we currently have very little control over.
My son has been with me for 3 months now. Honestly
everything is hard and gaining even the smallest step in recovery is a battle
but I would have to say that trying to get him to recognize that he is
developing an alcohol addiction is certainly up there. I can blame it on
addiction, anosognosia, denial, psychosis or lack of discipline. Either way the
end result is the same. He doesn't want to or won't acknowledge what is obvious
to everyone else. If he's not drinking he's depressed. His inability to handle
even the smallest amount of pressure or responsibility is because he never
learned how to deal with normal every day stresses. Remember he started
learning how to self medicate when he was around the age of 14. Almost every
day I'm hearing 'I can't handle this shit...'
This shit being to clean up his messes, have his 20 minutes of school
work done by 2 pm and watch his language and attitude. For him these expectations are overwhelming.
What scares me is when he comes back from his friends
after having alcohol and I can see just how good he feels. He's invigorated,
full of energy, wants to talk to me and show me things, he's excited about
life. The negative symptoms of his psychosis makes it hard for him to find
enjoyment from life itself. Anti-psychotics are making it harder for him to
find enjoyment in his mental world. When he does get some marijuana he gets his
mental world back even if just for a little while. I can understand why all the
negative consequences just aren't enough to make him stop.
Without the right medications I can understand why so
many would self medicate. To get even the smallest amount of relief from
symptoms that no one else can see or understand, regardless of the
consequences, are at the time more than worth it. My son currently doesn't have
hallucinations or voices telling him how awful he is. He used to before he was
switched to Clozapine/Clozaril and was chronically abusing marijuana. It's a vicious cycle. Self medicate to deal
with symptoms... worse symptoms because of self medicating. Anti-psychotics don't work as well because of
self medicating. Ensuing addiction that needs to be overcome along with
psychosis. Round and round and round we go.
Where we stop nobody knows... Certainly is a broken merry go round.
I don't have the answer on how to get off this merry go
round. I only know to do what I'm doing and to keep trying. I didn't get clean
from drugs on my first attempt. Not even my mother's deathbed wish that I get
clean made me stay clean for any length of time. I was broken inside and no
amount of outside force was going to fix me. I had to find it within myself
that I wanted a better life for myself and was going to do what was necessary
to get it. I had to look at myself and make changes. I had to stop blaming the
world for my choices and be responsible for the choices I was making. No one
was in control of who I was or how I react except me. I didn't have a permanent
psychosis that was hindering my recovery and it was still a long and hard road.
One I'm still travelling on. My son has a world that he can go to that is much
easier on him then this physical world. It also allows him to create a reality
that best suites his mental state.
I will do my best to help my son recover and hopefully
choose a path that will do him less self harm. That maybe one day he will see
the benefits of recovery as I did. I will continue to look for a way to get off
the merry go round...
Mom
BarbieBF
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