Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Define Odd

I have used the word odd a couple of times today and after the last time, I thought to myself: What does odd mean? Well... for me it means things that make you go hmm... I won't say things that aren't normal as our normal is odd ;) So things that stand out for me within our 'normal'.

At 9 AM this morning I was thinking about titling this blog post: Sadly I know where my child is... And it was standing outside the liquor store waiting for it to open since he got his disability money today. He returned stating that they didn't open until 10 AM so he got munchies instead. I did check the times online and they open at 10. Now it's 12 and he has not gone back out. Yes this is odd... or red flag material. He was awake 30 minutes ago. So what changed? He was awake this morning at 5:30 when I got up, most likely counting down the time to when he could get to the liquor store. He was at the liquor store for 9. Now it's 12...

Could he have gotten a hold of marijuana instead? A distinct possibility. He hasn't been down for a cigarette in a bit either. Awake, not smoking, just lying there... usually not good signs. He was playing one of his games this morning before he went out. Of course I could be over-thinking... I doubt it though.

I guess it was Friday that my son asked me for $3 to go to the store for candy. I was busy paying bills and not really thinking and gave him the $3. He left on his bike. He doesn't need his bike to go get candy since we have a corner store almost attached to the the town-home complex. Between that $3 and other change he had been collecting he went and got a mickey (small bottle) of vodka.

I can say that I was pissed. Of all the things that one can say or do that I will tolerate, lying is the one thing that will get me madder then anything else. I didn't say much just let him know that I was pissed off. He said that he deserved to get the alcohol. I deserve to not be lied to!

Hubby and I left to take Gucci to the vet. She got her booster and a clean bill of health. Her sneezing is fairly common and nothing to worry about unless it gets worse. It has been getting better as she settles in. Apparently stress can trigger it. Who knew? Got her a toothbrush and poultry flavored enzymatic toothpaste as she had some plaque on her back teeth. So ya I'm learning how to brush a cats teeth ;)

I don't know if it was Friday or Saturday night but my son decided he really wanted a PRN which means a benzo. It must have been Saturday as I think he was craving alcohol pretty bad. He asked me to take him to the hospital. I actually said no that I wasn't spending 6-12 hours in emergency because he was going through withdrawals and they won't give him a benzo anyways. They will most likely give him more Olanzapine and he is already taking the max dose of that. I know this may sound harsh however it's not the first time he has done this to get a benzo and it probably won't be the last. He started getting mad and told me I had no idea what he was going through... My cue to leave the room which I did. A little while later he comes downstairs and watches TV with us. Then really nicely asks me if I will go to the store and get him some NyQuil. *high five* for trying... I told him no that I know he only wants it for the alcohol content which effectively ended that conversation.

A little note: If you know someone recovering from or trying to get sober. Keep them away from cough syrups etc that contain alcohol. If you know someone recovering from or trying to get clean from drugs. Be careful of over the counter cold medications. As far as I know crystal meth/speed is made from the same active ingredient. These things can be an instant trigger for relapse without the person even being aware that they have put themselves in that situation.

I tried to get a little creative on Sunday. Decided to take some pictures so that I could make some picture posts for my Facebook page. A couple of hours later, looked at them on the computer... They were all date stamped with 2007/01/01. Hopefully I can crop that off of most of them.

Sunday night my son randomly asked me about tetanus shots. He said that his robot had injected him with one...

This caused me to start thinking about his Citalopram/Celexa as for some reason I thought his last bottle of vodka was on Tuesday instead of Friday so it shouldn't be still affecting his psychosis. He is downing these mickeys or 375 ml bottles of vodka or rum like Kool-Aid. Either way the antidepressant doesn't appear to be doing him any good and in fact may be hindering his recovery as it can do for some people diagnosed with schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. So as of yesterday I have cut his dose in half from 20 mg to 10 mg.

His nurse was here yesterday and I discussed this with her. She acknowledged that it was possible and said she would let his psychiatrist and team know that I was doing this. I would stop it completely however I don't want him experiencing withdrawal or negative side affects from coming off it cold turkey as can happen with these medications.

Yesterday afternoon my son tells me that he is: Seemingly having a really good day. I responded that that was good and I was happy for him. Shortly after I paused... How many times has he done this for me to find out that the reason he is having a 'good day' is because he has abused a medication or is using when I didn't know it. I counted my Venlafaxine. They are all there.

I'm still worried though. We have been very careful to not say Adderall in front of my son. My hubby is on this for his ADHD and if you recall it triggered my son's psychosis in July last year. We usually refer to it as my hubby's ADHD med... Well the other I let it slip and my son was in the car with us... Can I trust my son to not get into them? Unfortunately I can't. My hubby did have them stashed in the car just in case and I said he was overreacting... Maybe he's not. Just in case I should count them I guess.

My son has been having a lot of baths since he's been back home. I think part of this is for 'private time' as I have caught him several times now. Why am I catching him? Because he is not closing the bathroom door. Same with yesterday I went to go upstairs and he is in his room masturbating with the door open. Not the first time. I'm being cautioned to not go upstairs in my own home because he is masturbating! I have heard that tactile hallucinations can fuel this so I'm not sure if that is what this is or just my son being hormonal. Either is possible. Regardless it needs to be addressed somehow. He can masturbate all he wants but he really needs to learn consideration and how to do it privately. As well as follow up hygiene.

It's 2 PM now and he just left for the 'store'... *sigh*

Going to see what I can do with those pictures I took and try not to over-think what the next week is going to be like.


© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Spring... waiting... waiting...

I was doing my thing on the internet, looked outside and it was snowing! Yuk!

For the past couple of weeks my son keeps asking about camping or going to the park for a picnic. One I'm not camping when it's still going below zero at night and two I'm not picnicking if I need to wear gloves ;) I reminded him that just because he doesn't feel the cold it doesn't mean I don't. Hopefully soon we can start going for picnics again. That is if spring ever actually gets here.

I noticed something today when I was getting dressed. I went down a belt size... Hubby keeps saying how I'm too skinny. It's hard to look at myself objectively that way as for me I'm seeing that I can fit into cloths that used to be tight... He wants to be at my next doctor appointment. I think I'm just eating better. In fact I have had to add eating something for breakfast so that I can take my Venlafaxine. So I eat a bowl of Special K now. For lunch it's usually my crackers with brie cheese, a pepperoni, snap peas and a handful of almonds. Sometimes a mandarin orange. Plus a good dinner. I'm eating less and less junk food. Sometimes just a tiny dish of something while watching our TV shows. So seriously I don't think it's anything to worry about but I will have the doctor check my weight the next time we are there. We don't own a scale so I have no idea what I weight. Also we just did my blood work in February and all was good.

I decided to let my grey hair grow in. I know, big step! I'm tired of having hubby dye it. I'm about 40-50% grey now it seems. I did have hubby highlight it the other day. That was fun! It took him about 2 hours to pull it through the cap. So fingers crossed on what it will look like in a couple of months ;)

Yesterday I heard my son on the phone and asked who he was talking to. He was talking to the bank and updating his information. I asked why? He was seeing if someone could lend him some money. At first I was confused. You asked the bank to lend you money? No I'm trying to get Nana to. Ahh... He wanted $7 for a bottle of alcohol. I think he is still trying since I think he called her today. He will have his disability soon enough to spend on alcohol, unfortunately.

I did talk to him a bit yesterday about alcohol and being unhappy. I even went so far as to talk to him about what some are capable of when their schizophrenia is not being managed properly. He thought it was funny when I told him about someone who is currently in the news for decapitating someone on transit due to psychosis. Inappropriate emotional response... because honestly there is nothing funny about what untreated psychosis can do. And sadly him even drinking alcohol can cancel out the affect of his antipsychotics.

I talked about how addiction is a self-absorbing disease. He agreed that he was self-absorbed and didn't care about anyone except himself. I don't believe that... I do believe that due to addiction and schizophrenia he is not in touch with his emotions however it does not have to be like that. Yes in order to feel love that means that you will also feel pain. That's ok. It's worth it to feel love. And I know that he does feel love. I do see it when he is cuddling with the cat. I feel it when he hugs me back. He is just a little lost in what schizophrenia is taking away from him and what addiction keeps interfering with. Recovery is possible if he would just give it a chance and stop trying to hide from life.

He spoke about gateways... He meant gateways into his world. I told him there was a gateway downstairs that if he opened the door could lead to him seeing a beautiful world. But he has to go out there and take it.

He was supposed to go to group yesterday but that fell through. They are still understaffed. They are looking into getting him into the Monday groups that go to the YMCA. He is fairly open to this one which is good so hopefully soon.

ADAPT called today and his appointment is now on April 9. It was a cute conversation. No I don't think I need it but my mom is saying I have to. I just drink and I don't want to stop. Yes I have schizophrenia. I'm with PACT. Yes my mom will be with me...

Sadly we can't find his teddy. It's a little white baby rabbit... He has had it since he was a boy. I think it's the baby to a mommy and baby Easter gift to me from the kids (Dad) when they were small. He had it at the shelter and we both thought that he had it here at the new place but I can't find it. I called the shelter this morning to see if they still had it. Long shot I know but I wanted to try. The lady I blogged about before answered the phone. She remember my son and me and asked how he was doing. She even remembered me bringing him the teddy. She went to look for me but it's not there.

Yesterday evening we went and got him 4 new teddies. A multicolored caterpillar, a turtle, an Easter bunny that looked kinda like an old man and a little grumpy cat that he said looks like one of his voices. I also gave him a teddy that I have held on to that says I love mom. One he (Dad) gave me.

Earlier in the week he asked me about the fact that I'm going to be getting $700 from disability instead of $600 that I had told him I would agree to. My first thought when he brought it up was: Now you want to talk about what we agreed to? It's not important to him when he isn't doing what he agreed to ;) I just told him I'm not giving him extra money for alcohol. Today he was asking to go to the store for oil and onion rings... I let him know that I have been starting to keep receipts on his 'extras' because he needs to start understanding money management if he has it in his head he can afford to live on his own with his spending habits. For the past two weeks I (hubby) has spent over $150 on him. Not counting McDonald's, Timmies or the Chinese food he wanted the other night. I told him today the next time he wants to ask about the other $100 he won't be getting... Here are the receipts.

I have to go... Hubby has his doctor appointment today and is on his way home and I have to see my chiropractor.


© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Spring, Gucci & A Little Progress.

Today is the first day of spring! Yah! hmmm... Can't say it feels like it. It's currently 31 F or -1 C. Real feel 5 C. I wonder if other countries do this? I always look at the real feel because it rarely feels like the actual temperature.

Today is also International Day of Happiness!

On Tuesday we went to the local human society and adopted Gucci. She will be 2 on June 1st and is tiny and cute. She seems to be settling in and my son likes her too. He wasn't that interested on the day that we got her. He had gone out and bought 2 small bottles of alcohol the night before and drank them so he wasn't in touch with his emotions that day. He has warmed up to her though and spends some time in the morning cuddling with her. Here she is in her normal daytime napping spot.

On Tuesday we also stopped into ADAPT since hubby was home. I asked about the fact that I was told that the lady from Ready4Life was supposed to be engaging their services on behalf of my son. Apparently she can't do that. I have tried to put aside my feelings of not liking this lady however it's hard when time and time again she proves that her word can't be trusted. If she works with ADAPT as she claimed, she should have been aware that she was unable to do this that it has to be my son contacting them. At the very least she should have stated she would look into it, not declare that she was going to do it. For weeks his case worker from PACT has been trying to reach ADAPT to follow up on this as she too believed the lady from Ready4Life. Even with my tolerance of people that I usually have, this lady still manages to astound me with her incompetence. Even with my son there I could not make an appointment for him. He had to come to the window and book the appointment himself. He has an appointment set for April 14. I also got some literature on family help and hopefully he will get referred to some services that deal with concurrent disorders of addiction and mental illness after he has his interview. Forewarned they have a waiting list...

Hubby has upped his Cipralex again. He did this on his own since he was having trouble coping with where my son is at. I get it. It's not easy watching my son making choices that are hindering his recovery. And I'm sure it's not easy watching me not put my foot down more often. He has been coping much better with the upped dosage and is back to reading his book on mindfulness :)

Yesterday we had an appointment with disability. I finally got through to his worker last week after calling the supervisor, again. Apparently she didn't receive any phone calls from us... Anyways... I wasn't sure exactly what was going to happen however I was hoping for some things to finally happen. I didn't say much during the appointment and let his worker do most of the talking. Starting with I do believe this upcoming payment, the room and board portion will be coming directly to me. From now on there will be a pay direct on his file for room and board or rent since there is concerns over him becoming homeless due to his resistance in paying these necessities on his own. She explained that the office has a responsibility and directive to ensure their clients are not homeless.

She also gave him (me) some information on a trustee through some other agencies. That if he is unable to budget his portion of his payments than that may have to be looked into. I can't say that my son was overly impressed. Sadly though it's his choices that have brought us to this and little that I am willing to do to correct it. Nothing actually. Knowing that my son can't randomly decide to put himself into the shelter system in order to fund his addictions is a relief.

Before we went into the appointment he was talking about asking them to raise his payments as he would like at least $400 a month spending/entertainment money. Wouldn't we all! He didn't ask. After the appointment he started complaining about how unfair it was. That he deserves to be happy. Yes we all deserve to be happy however we all have to work at getting that. Once he commented that death seemed to be the happiest option. I didn't respond.

Later he talked about moving... No surprise there. He stated that the only way he was going to learn how to take care of himself was to be unhappy so that he is forced to learn. Something like that. I ended up questioning him on this line of thinking since he is always saying how I need to be more lenient so that he can be happy. So how he is supposed to learn how to take care of himself if that means being unhappy and he doesn't think he should be? So others are supposed to not be happy so that they can cater to him? He is special however he isn't more special then anyone else. If I could change how he was taught that everyone is secondary to him... You get out of this life what you put into it and the world doesn't owe him anything.

I got our taxes done on Wednesday. Hopefully that gets processed fairly quickly as some bills could really use it ;).

So my son has been 4 days? without alcohol that I know of. He has missed a dose of medications here and there due to forgetting to take at night or sleeping in to long. No overt signs of voices. I guess we have about a week or so before he gets money... Honestly whether I wanted to or not, I wish disability had made me trustee so that we don't have to go through this every month. Just start to get him stable and recovering and repeat.

Going to go make a decaf coffee and see what it's like out. Supposed to go up to 8 C. Also have to look up recipes on making ribs as I can't seem to find the one that I can make work. Hoping to make a good dinner. Ribs, corn on the cob, salad and homemade bread. Lately my son and hubby seem to be really enjoying my cooking! Been trying some new salad recipes.

Check out: Walmart Live Better


© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Alcohol. The Legal Addiction. The Other Mental Illness.

For the past couple of days I have been reading articles and/or blogs on addiction. Hoping that I will find a glimmer of something, anything, that will help me to know what to do next.

"But will your LOVE ever become greater than your FEAR? Would you be strong enough to reach out for help? Will you learn to say NO? Will you allow me to experience the consequences of my actions? Will you LOVE me enough to feel your own discomfort and stop enabling my addiction?
I lay trapped with within the confines of this cold dark, serpent – addiction, and I am… dying."

Lorelie Rozzano

Jagged Little Edges

“And I will try to fix you.” —Coldplay
I don’t think any of us sets out with this purpose in mind —this purpose of fixing someone.
If we look further back, the fixing begins with loving someone.
We love them.
We see such better things for them.
We see where they are headed and our heart aches inside.
The pain hurts right down to our bones."

That Sober Life

Tuesday night my son went out to the store... I already knew before he came back and told me that he had gone to the liquor store. This time he got 3 bottles of Jack Daniel's.

Alcohol is not allowed in my home. Not that that stops my son if he can get it in here and I'm thinking he did since he wasn't in and out last night. A sure sign that he probably has it is his room. One bottle anyways. The other 2 he had stashed, if you can call it that, on the town-home complex grounds behind our unit. Stashed behind a box... easy to see if one was to walk past that area.

Do I love my son enough to stop enabling his addiction? If only there was an easy answer to that question. Yesterday it bothered me all day to know that those bottles were out there. What if a kid found them? What if the police are called? What if I get some sort of notice from management? All because I don't want to cause more strife between me and my son. Because I don't want to push him into having to hide it in the home. Reality is that he is going to do that anyways. Reality is that alcohol is causing the strife regardless of what I do or don't know.

This morning I went and got the other 2 bottles... I stood there, holding on to them, thinking now what? I won't bring them into the home. I can't leave them were they were. So I stashed them in the back yard until I can decide what to do with them. Or do I poor them out? They aren't mine and I didn't find them in the home...

Yesterday morning my son's case worker from PACT called to let me know who was picking him up for his first group meeting. I brought up that I was thinking about calling ADAPT to see if I could speed things up as no one has returned his case workers call yet. It has to be my son that calls...

My hubby got a little peeved yesterday because I bought my son a couple of items while we were all at the store. My son is buying alcohol and I'm buying my son things... At the time I was just thinking how I didn't want to ruin what was a quiet day with arguing or black and white thinking. I didn't want to push my son to the bottle...

Honestly I do know better. Addiction will push my son to the bottle, not me.

I'm no virgin to addiction, being a recovered addict. I say recovered now instead of recovering because I don't think there is a chance in hell that I would put myself back into that life style. And it is a life style. One that I choose to turn my back on because I love myself more then I love being high. I see it now for the hell that it was. "I lay trapped within the confines of this cold dark serpent - addiction, and I am... dying." I decided I wanted to live.

I remember my mom, out of love, handing me over money for rent, for food, for my kids... My addiction knew before that money even touched my hands that her love was providing me with my next fix.

"I am not your child, or spouse, or friend. I’ve changed. I don’t belong to you any more. I don’t care about you. Not in the way you want me too. I care about getting high. I WANT to get high. I will do ANYTHING to get high. I LOVE getting high. I NEED to get high.. and I will step over you to do it. When I look at you, I don’t see YOU. I see a means to an end. You have money. I want it. End of story." Jagged Little Edges.

"I didn’t write this article with the intent of telling you how to live your life if you are the parent or spouse of an addict. I wrote it to sort of shake you awake. Please realize that hoping he or she will somehow snap into shape and start moving forward into his full potential without any outside help or new tools whatsoever is sort of insanity. In a way, if you are preventing them from getting help by cleaning up their messes and fixing up their lives, you are a stumbling block to their recovery. 

Ouch. Hard to hear, right? I know, you might be angry with me right now, but that’s okay. I’ve heard that people usually get mad at the first person who shakes them awake." That Sober Life.

I'm not mad... I'm sad... Sad because I know that I can't make this easier for my son. I can't help him be an addict. I can't be his enabler, his go to when he needs help feeding his addiction. My son's problem at the moment may be alcohol. Only because that is what is readily available. If there was a pot store on the corner then it would be marijuana.

I noticed last night that my son's voices are coming back. When I asked him he denied it. I know better. His medications were working. It's not the medications fault that he is doing things that are triggering his schizophrenia. No it's not his fault that he has schizophrenia or addiction, his other mental illness. However it is his choice to not take responsibility for managing his schizophrenia. It is his choice to stay in denial.

I know that I do not want to be a part of the problem. I want to be a part of the solution. I want my son to have a future that is not being controlled by his addiction and/or schizophrenia. Since one is feeding the other...


© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Today's word is stupidity

I just spent about half an hour reading 'stupid quotes' on Pinterest. I must say I feel much better now ;) I can't say that I was having a very good morning... really it started last night when I found a bottle of alcohol in my son's room. Add hormones and a husband...

I don't usually use words like stupid or idiot but sometimes...

Yes, I'm pissed off and most people irritate me. But if people weren't so ignorant, self-absorbed, and down right stupid, I wouldn't be so Bitchy all the time!

Friday night my son decides to bike to the liquor store. He didn't even have to ask how to get there. Amazing what he can do when he wants to do it. Hubby and I made it very clear, no alcohol in the house or on the property. Obviously that went in one ear and out the other. First he hid it behind something that is part of the complexes property. After finding one bottle in his room last night, I found another bottle under my back steps this morning. I threw it out. Last night it's how unfair it is that he can't drink here. Really?! How unfair is it to me and my husband to have alcohol in the home when we have fought to become alcohol free and sober? For some who likes to throw around the respect word, he has little to know understanding of it. His soul is 11 trillion years old... A soul that old should have better common sense shouldn't it?

This morning he is asking for my help on looking up places to live on Kijiji (online classifieds). Thank you to the person that gave him that bright idea. He is looking up places in a different city that is part of a different district and therefore a whole different treatment team. But what does he care? He doesn't because his only concern is the ability to drink and smoke marijuana. And smoke in his room as now that's unfair too that he can't.

I was out this morning/afternoon when he got up and when I got home I got him his medications. I asked him who would make sure he takes his pills when he is living on his own? A little while ago he asked me what is for dinner. I don't know... Is it just me that sees this glaring, dare I say stupid opinion that he can live on his own?

Lets move on to hubby... Today he went and got the 3rd cable box since we have moved into the townhouse. Apparently the fact that we are not getting APTN and YTV is of grave concerns to someone. I assure you it's not me because I can do without cable. Between my son who we had already butted heads over this morning and my hormones, I decided staying home while hubby went out was the best option. I'm packing up the cable box and he tells me to pack up the remote too as they were giving us another box. Earlier he had told me that were giving him an older box as they seem to be more reliable. I tell him that the remote works with both boxes as we didn't exchange it last time. Apparently I don't listen. I didn't clarify that the remote is a universal remote... What was the point. He was to busy trying to tell me how he was getting a Motorola box. Ok... Off he goes.

What Being Homeschooled Is Actually Like

He comes back to say that he didn't need to get a new remote (ahem) but they gave him one anyways. Great. You are sinking it to the TV since the old remote already was. Well you didn't tell me about that... No apparently I was to busy not listening...

Why? yes why? it is okay for some people to be incredibly stupid but not okay for me to get angry about it when their stupidity makes my life more difficult.it is okay for some people to be incredibly stupid but not okay for me to give them a hard time for doing so.it's called hypocrisy and it's why I propose that we criminalize stupidity in this country.some of these people out there won't stop being stupid until their stupidity becomes an inconvienience or a hardship for them too!

There are some days where I truly want to lose it, just a little bit. I almost went with hubby, not because I wanted to but because I knew he wanted me to. Also if I don't handle saying no to going in a 'nice' way then he gets upset. I actually had my coat on... Then stopped myself thinking what the heck? Tough if everyone else is not ok because I'm not ok. Guess what? I'm not ok right now.

My son has barely been back home a week and already the 'honeymoon' phase is pretty much over. I want... I deserve... What rules? Promises and agreements?

I was hoping that I would be able to stay on the lowest dose of Venlafaxine... Will see. Guess what is due today which certainly isn't helping. Today I had a hot-flash combined I guess with not eating enough on the Venlafaxine which had me feeling like crap. Before I started using tinctures and supplements for my menstrual/menopause symptoms, my cycles were getting pretty tough. However for the past 2 years they have been really good. If today is an indication then I guess it's time to up the tinctures and supplements.

I sometimes think that I don't need the whole 'knight in shining armor on a white horse' routine BUT maybe a Page? A knight in training? Someone that could put aside their own feelings, issues or whatnot and be my pillar for a change. Don't get me wrong. I love my hubby and he has his good points. Unfortunately one of them is not the ability to handle my emotions.

Someday's I can't believe how alone I can feel. Just me, sitting here trying to figure out how to stop my son from running off that cliff. I see him running for it and I can't stop him. Addiction, schizophrenia... Whatever. Today my word is stupidity and I'm sticking with it...


© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Friday, March 6, 2015

Going blind...

It's been a quiet week. My son seems to be recovering and his psychotic thoughts and voices are going away. He is still somewhat delusional in thinking but nothing major. Yesterday I teased him because he was making a sandwich and cleaning up after himself. He replied that he was feeling healthier. Yes that happens when you are not in psychosis :)

The other day he told me that he thought he was going blind. My gut told me that he didn't mean physically so I asked him what it was that he couldn't see. He is having trouble seeing his psychotic thoughts or imaginings. I explained that this was because he is not as psychotic anymore and what he was seeing was part of his schizophrenia. I spoke about this with my hubby and explained that I try really hard not to use terms like normal as they don't really apply here and for my son the goal is not to be normal. I know that for him it can feel like a lose to not see these things so the best that I can do is approach it from the viewpoint of not being psychotic rather then being normal.

This morning we had another little chat. I try to nicely point out that certain thoughts or ideas are delusional because no I can't help him obtain a spaceship so that he can travel the universe. I may be able to do a lot of things and figure out stuff however I do not have those types of contacts :).

Not surprisingly we also discussed marijuana. Earlier in the week I was helping him find a power cord and looked in his coat... Found a pot pipe and screens. Told him it was being confiscated. He doesn't feel like this world has anything for him so he wants to hide in marijuana. Yes he acknowledged that. At one point he tried the: Can we try and you can give me so much every day. My response was: I am not Nana. He grinned and dropped that approach moving on to the idea of getting his own place. All I can do is remind him that it's up to him how many hospitalizations he wants to have before he realizes that marijuana is not worth it. It's his journey I'm afraid.

He would like to have a girlfriend. Well he isn't going to meet any girls by not participating in life. His case worker from PACT was here earlier in the week. She asked him if he had voices and of course his answer was no ;) I stepped in and said perhaps asking how many voices or what they are saying would get a more realistic answer. My son replied that yes he has voices, entities which is normal for him.

Starting next week I'm hoping that he will be more involved with PACT's outings. When asked my son hesitated and I stepped in and said that I would answer for him and yes. Wednesday is there next group meeting were they discuss what type of outings the group will do and someone from PACT will come and pick him up. Monday's they go to the YMCA which again I said yes to. He can swim, work out or do whatever he wants during that time. His worker said she would look into getting him a pass. I don't think she has heard back from ADAPT yet.

I haven't had him call disability yet :( I really should get on that.

He has been taking his medications and it's fairly easy to tell that the psychosis and voices are leaving him. His face is much clearer. He is eating good. He is watching TV and playing games. Maybe not for long periods but still he is doing it. I do feel for him here as it has to be hard to be in this in-between stage where he wants to interact with schizophrenia yet it's getting harder to do. He can 'think' psychotic thoughts yet can't 'see' them as easily anymore. One day he spoke to me about one of his entities that he thought was his son. Whether they are real or not the lose of them will still feel like a lose to him.

Another topic we discussed today was love. I asked him what he thought love was? To be soft like a baby. Translation being soft on him or lenient ;) There are a lot of different sides to love. Sometimes love is hard. It can be a lot of things at one time. Because I'm not always soft it doesn't mean that I love any less. Sometimes making the hard choices is love.


© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Breakfast with voices

Sunday we decided to go out for breakfast. It was me, my hubby, my son and his voices. They were entertaining my son and moderately irritating me. Not in an upsetting way however I did at one point ask my son if he could do me a favor and tell them to go away for a minute as they were pissing off mom ;) I think the waitress had come by our table 3 times and we couldn't order because my son wouldn't stop listening to them long enough to read the menu. Perhaps my request did the trick as he finally paid attention to the menu and made a choice. Saturday when we took him to buy a TV he could barely pay attention to the cashier.

This morning or last night I asked him if he ever tried to ignore them as he will need to learn to do that so that he can interact with people while out in public. He stated that ignoring them would make them worse. I replied that the opposite is usually true. The more attention you give to them the worse they can be and he needs to learn to tell them to leave him alone sometimes. Thankfully they seem to be humorous at the moment although what my son tends to find humorous would probably freak me out ;)

Saturday night and last night he got about 12 hours sleep each night. He took his medications when hubby and I were going to bed. Both nights he took his Invega, Olanzapine and a Melatonin.

This morning I talked to him about his medications. Letting him know that I'm thinking we may need to look at Clozapine again, what did he think about that? He asked if that was a good idea. Well it's either that or we try Olanzapine twice a day as he really shouldn't be dealing with voices like this. He agreed to Olanzapine twice a day. Today he seems a lot more clear eyed and his face doesn't have that combination high/overtired look that I see as psychosis.

I think he finally has his room set up. Mom I need something else for my TV as the dresser is too high. Mom I want a table to put my stuff on. He wanted to use cardboard boxes that I explained wouldn't hold the weight. I had a night stand that won't fit in our room so we put that in his room for the TV. Then I took the draws out of and the legs off of the dresser and laid it flat for a table, putting a table cloth on it. So now he has Netflix and an hdmi cord and can watch TV in his room. He still wants me to get him cable for his room... hmm not likely. Hubby and I don't even have cable in our room as we are trying to keep the bills lower not higher. Besides between Netflix and downloading what could he possibly watch on basic cable?

After breakfast yesterday we brought him back home as he was to tired to go grocery shopping. I did get him a new hoodie and 2 pairs of track pants since his last 2 pairs shrunk. I kept them for around the house since my legs are shorter. Oh... I can say house now instead of apartment ;)

I talked to his case worker from PACT today and let her know what happened. She will follow up and try to get a hold of ADAPT to set something up. Of course my son hesitated this morning when I brought this up. He is so easy to agree to things when he is getting what he wants then.... I reminded him that he agreed and that it is expected.

Next thing is contacting disability. I guess getting my son to call is the best option since his worker hasn't returned my last 6? phone calls. Hopefully I will tackle that tomorrow. Today I actually spend most of the day cleaning and organizing some stuff. Now hubby is on his way home from work so I should start dinner. Steak, baked potatoes and salad. Yum!


© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.