Discipline &
Patience
So it's been almost 3 months. I just read what I wrote in
Chapters 1 and 2. Not having nearly as much luck as I had hoped up to this
point. Maybe I was being delusional? Expecting that things would work out how I
wanted them to even though I had little reason to expect it. Even to myself
when I reread what I have previously written, I kind of shake my head and think
'You were naive'. I want so much to help my son recover. I'm glad I did reread
them as I needed to remind myself what I'm doing and why. The day to day
struggle of dealing with this has gotten to me. As much as I vowed to myself
that I would not let schizophrenia take over my life, it has. My days are spent
on schizophrenia forums and blogs and doing more and more research on what is
going on inside his head. It hasn't even been 3 months. Why am I doing this to
myself? Well because I need to. Because my son needs me to. He's the one that
needs to recover and make a life for himself.
I've previously stated that his schizophrenia doesn't
scare me as much as the statistics surrounding it. That is still true. I've
made statements like don't be afraid to ask what your loved one is thinking. I
know what my son is thinking a lot of the time because I guess I have gained
enough of his trust that he feels comfortable including me in what he is
thinking or doing in his head. The question is do I have the patience to listen
to it? It would be different if I only had to deal with these conversations
even just once a day but that is not the case. It's constant, all day, except
when he's in his head or at his friends. I find myself on occasion letting him
be in his head because it gives me a little peace. I had no idea how hard it
would be to be constantly on guard. His symptoms are so much a part of who is
and takes up so much of his thoughts and energies. Trying to get out from under
it feels pretty impossible a lot of the time.
Getting him to stop talking about it can be pretty impossible to.
Remember the OCD I referred to. Well if I interrupt or ask questions or even
just say it's not something I want to talk about, he has to say it and get it
out. He tells me 'I have to say it'. So I let him say it. Finding the patience
to listen after hearing the same thing over and over is trying. I don't know
how many times I've heard 'I just learned how to...' and it's something he's
told me several times before. He's perfecting it and working on learning it
110%. For him it's 110 not 100. I think sometimes I listen to much.
I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how to
discipline him. I know what I want and what I expect of him. That's the easy
part. My support worker through the program my son is in reminded me the other
day that he's not acting his age because of his psychosis. The fact that I
needed the reminder was an eye opener for me. After all that I wrote in chapter
1 I should have been handling things better. I had allowed myself to get caught
up in all the little arguments and forgotten what I was dealing with. I'm not
disciplining a 19 year old, I'm disciplining someone who's cognitively around
the age of 12. I've talked about the boundaries that I'm trying to put into
place which include how to talk to me. He's lost his internet for quite awhile
for how he talks to me. It's my patience being put to the test here. Expecting
that doing one disciplinary act is going to fix the problem was naive of me. It
took many years for him to learn to act this way and it will take some time to
correct it. I've spent a lot of time talking to our support workers and yes my
son has psychosis but a lot of the behavioural issues that we are now currently
dealing with is learned. The catch is that due to psychosis it's not going to
be easy to correct. Not that discipline is easy with any teenager that is acting
out.
The biggest discipline issue we are having is centered
around him studying. I'm calling it studying for his sake but in reality it's
just reading. I can't get him to actually study and I understand that I need to
adjust my expectations of what he can do based on his psychosis. The thing is,
I know he's capable of putting in more effort than he is. If it was a new game
he could look it up and read and learn how to play it. School work however is a
different story. He wants to write his high school equivalence. I know that he
wants it even if it's only so that he can get a job where he wants but the lack
of motivation that is a part of his psychosis is getting in the way. Or is it
learned behaviour that he doesn't have to put any effort into anything that he
doesn't want to do? It's hard to tell. So I keep pushing. 1 hour a day of
reading/studying is required or I disconnect the internet. In pushing for 1 hour I'm sometimes lucky to
get 30 minutes. If I didn't push he would do nothing. Really we aren't
accomplishing much because he needs to be enrolled in some sort of learning
program but he's unwilling to take that step right now so in the meantime I
will do my best to get some sort of dedication from him regarding the goals he
has for his future. I know that if I want something then I need to do something
to get it. It's not going to fall in my lap. I'm not sure what he thinks other
than his delusion that he will be able to write his test in a year. 1 year to
learn 4 years of core curriculum when he can't/won't commit to 1 hour a day
reading. At times I won't give him back his internet until he cleans up his
messes in the living room. One day he did dishes at his friends in exchange for
a couple of cigarettes. Motor skills and ability are there. Motivation is not.
In this instance it's pretty clear to me that it's not psychosis but learned
behaviour that stops him from doing these things at home.
Another situation that comes up, is when I say no to
something and he decides to ask my husband. My husband works at least 10 hours
a day sometimes 7 days a week. I've made it clear that if one of us says no
then the answer is no for both of us. Well my son wants what he wants. I know
that this type of behavior is fairly normal with children. They will go from
one parent to the other until they learn the error in that, if they ever do. I
guess it will take some reiterating to make my son understand that it is not
acceptable to do this. As with everything else it's a test of patience.
Sometimes I run into little discipline problems
surrounding what I will call little delusions. If I use the same theory as what
causes his grandiose delusions I can see how it affects him in little ways as
well. He will snap at me and say it's because I snapped at him when I didn't.
"Assume that reality is such that my mental states are justified".
What would justify him snapping at me? Me snapping at him first. Some things I
just have to let slide.
I wish I could jump ahead in time and see if what I'm
doing is making a difference. I know that I do see small improvements. They
happen every now and then and they are wonderful to see. How much leg work goes
into accomplishing them is the hard part. My son made me a cup of tea today. I
felt like crying. A week ago he brushed his teeth without me asking him too.
Another time I felt like crying. Could just be I need a good cry. These little
things seem to happen on the heels of some tough days. I feel like I'm being
pushed to the edge and out of nowhere he does something like that.
I really had to take a step back and try to refocus on
the bigger picture. My goal is for my son to have a life outside of his belief
system and for him to be able to do what we muggles (Harry Potter - a muggle is
a person who lacks any sort of magical ability and was not born into the
magical world) call normal like having a job and taking care of ourselves. His
goals center around strengthening his chi and being prepared for the afterlife.
He says he wants the same goals as me but they aren't his priority. They are
mine. So in the bigger picture can I
expect him to make my goals his priority? Yes I think I can but I need to do it
in baby steps. I need to start with smaller goals first. As a baby he didn't
learn to walk without first learning to crawl. He wants his GED but first he
needs to learn how to set a goal and follow through on it. We need to build up
his concentration so that he can spend an hour at a time reading something he's
not interested in. This will take time and I need to be aware of this so that I
can set reasonable goals that he can attain.
A good thing that happens when I do step back and take a
look at the bigger picture is that I realize I've been missing some of the
little things. Before he learned how to crawl he learned how to rock back and
forth. Well my baby boy is rocking and I forgot to pay attention and love him
for it. He now asks for things instead of demanding them. He acknowledges when
he's been verbally abusive and apologizes. He doesn't hide from me that he
hasn't taken a medication. Sometimes he will ask me to show him how to make
something instead of asking me to do it for him. He knows how to do his laundry
even if it isn't done right away. It's taking less nagging from me for him to
take care of his personal hygiene. He's actually a pretty polite boy and says
thank you a lot and holds the door open for me when we are out. He's not as
self-absorbed as he used to be. During our last family outing I noticed how
much more alert he was. He wasn't just sitting there on the sidelines, he was
having an active role in the conversation. When I pointed this out to him that
I had noticed he replied 'Ya, I'm maturing'. Again I felt like crying. My baby
boy is learning how to crawl.
Of course none of this is happening without some sort of
discipline. Teaching him how to be responsible for his actions and the choices
that he is making. When he crawled to an electric outlet I pulled him away and
said no. Now it's alcohol and marijuana and I can't tell him no. But I can keep
boundaries in place and teach him what isn't acceptable in my home. I have to
expect that he will continue to push those boundaries and I have to find the
patience to deal with it. Wondering where I will find the patience... From my
love for him.
Mom
BarbieBF
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