I think I'm just going to have to accept that my life is never going to be without it's complications.
A couple of days ago I meet with my counselor from the ADAPT program for addiction.
Without going into all the dirty details... I found out that my husband and daughter were using drugs together. I found out that my husband didn't go and stay clean 4 years ago like I thought he did. I found out that everyone but me knew that he was using and helped him and my daughter to keep it from me. I know right... 3 months later and yeah it still hurts big time. However it is getting better.
Some may be thinking: leave him, kick him out....
Whether you believe addiction is a disease or not, it's not something that I believe in turning my back on family for. After-all I'm an addict too and well I ended up relapsing too. Sad yes I know. Basically 15 years clean of my drug of choice and I'm back struggling with urges that I thought were long in my past.
So even if I did leave my husband. That still leaves my daughter. Like the title says: This circus has 2 Ringleaders: Senior is my husband, Junior is my daughter. It also has an 11 month old baby that needs his family.
I understand addiction, which helps, however it's not helping me with my feelings of betrayal, hurt and of course the anger. Honestly thinking back I couldn't have coped without something. Using helped me to be able to think about it all without completely losing it. In hindsight I guess a prescription of Valium or Perks would have been the more logical choice or at least the choice that wouldn't have ended up with my daughter making the choice to put her son in foster care.
Still I find myself not regretting the choice to use with my husband. Amidst all the rest, jealousy reared it's ugly head. Jealousy that my daughter had a relationship with my husband that I wasn't a part of or even understood. Using comes with a certain amount of intimacy. An intimacy that my husband and I had long lost. Now I know why but for the past say two years I couldn't understand what was happening or why.
As with any addiction it's progressive. As time was going by the family unit was dying. There was no family time of watching our TV shows like we used to during the week after dinner. No spending the weekends together. Everyone was busy... I was home, with the baby most of the time, being 'the curtain'. The person that was helping to present to the rest of the world and The Children's Aid Society the happy, stable, functioning lie that everything was ok.
What happened when I joined that circus? It seems I became the bad guy for a lot of people. Everyone was ok with me being in the dark and being lied to. Not so much ok with me letting the curtain fall and all hell break lose. Well tough shit I say!
I'm done being everyone else's pillar or curtain or justification for any of their choices.
So many emotions I'm still struggling with. So many times I have heard from different people since I found out that they are so happy that I now know because they didn't like lying to me. Really! Great, thanks! Now that everyone else is absolved of feeling any guilt over their actions... Yes I still sometimes wonder how they can look me in the face at all. Like I said I understand addiction but that doesn't really help that much. The lying and manipulations are a choice and don't have to be a part of using.
There are so many things from the past couple of years that at the time I was so utterly confused and frustrated about because I couldn't understand what was going on. It was all just making me feel like a failure... Nothing I was doing was right or helping or fixing what I could see was falling apart but like I said: didn't know why.
So many situations that have been tainted with the truth of it all. One being my wedding. I'm pretty sure they all feel pretty good about the fact that they were all apparently without drugs on my special day. Not saying much for the rest of the trip or the fact that my husband and his brother couldn't seem to get it together enough to even dress themselves properly. I can now think about that day and look at pictures and still feel some form of happiness that it was my wedding day. I still love my wedding dress!
I finally got around to tidying up my basement and starting a new puzzle. I love doing puzzles. Our basement walls are covered in the puzzles we have as a family done together... unfortunately I was the only straight one doing them. For a bit I couldn't look at them without wanting to take them all down. The puzzle I started is a new one that has nothing to do with the past. My own form of therapy.
There are more... I've asked my counselor with ways to cope with the short term feelings of hurt and anger that overcome me when certain things come to light. We will discuss these next week. As time goes by there will be more situations that will make sense now that I have a clue.
From the start my daughter has said to me: How could you have not know? You had blinders on. I say: No, not really. One can't see what one doesn't know. How could I know the difference between my husband or her for that matter, using and not using if they were never clean?
Now I'm working on getting some structure back into my own life. Getting back into using my stepper and exercising. I started back doing my inside sales job a couple of days ago. Eating right, sleeping right. Back on my anti-depressants.
Most of all, wanting to find a way to get my grandson back with family, however that might look like. My daughter is currently living in a dry-group home. Which means they monitor for drugs and alcohol. Baby-daddy is currently living with me. Another complicated situation. Visitation at the moment is one day a week at my place and one day a week with my daughter at the group home. The times should go up with each passing week as long as we all stay clean.
Not sure how all that is going to play out. My daughter needs to be in her own place in order to get her son back full time. Or back here but she seems pretty determined that my place is not a safe place. I say: bullshit! How safe my place is, is on her own choices and always have been. She will have to make the same choices here or on her own when it comes to using. But for the moment these are not my choices to make. I'm really hoping that given the time her and baby-daddy will get their son back.
Now for some good news! My son is doing really good. I guess just over a month ago, he was transferred to a group home. Yes a big step. A lot more freedom however still with structure when it comes to taking his medications. He calls me once or twice a week. Usually just to talk about what is going on with his laptop and the games that he is playing.
Time for a fresh cup of coffee and my Facebook games!
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Showing posts with label Awareness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Awareness. Show all posts
Saturday, August 26, 2017
Friday, March 17, 2017
Regret vs Guilt
I took part in my daughter's counselling session today and afterwords I was thinking about something her counselor said. Something to the affect of: It took me a long time to not feel guilty about enjoying my alone time.
I don't know when I stopped feeling guilty as a general rule. Sure there are times when I feel guilt. Like when my son calls and I'm putting my grandson to sleep so I don't answer my phone. I know why he is calling. So yes I feel fleeting moments of it.
I regret a lot of things that have happened but no I don't feel guilt about them anymore. I certainly don't feel guilty about what I feel. Good or bad.
Over the years there have been phrases or teachings that I have held on to. Some are from a rehabilitation course that I took, others from my many hours reading articles on the internet.
There are no right or wrong feelings. We can't not feel what we feel. We can learn to act and react differently to those feelings.
Give yourself the same love and compassion you would someone else. I may expect more from myself that I do others however I'm not harder on myself for those expectations.
My daughter has been having a bit of a tough time emotionally. Adjusting to being a mother doesn't happen overnight. Yes there are and will be times when one wants to walk away from it all. Hand over the crying baby, call someone, anyone, and spend the whole night playing cards....
There are times when I don't want to be Gramma. Strike that. There are times when I don't want to me mom, still. I can feel guilty for feeling that way or I can accept that what I feel is natural and in my opinion, to be expected.
When I give myself the right to feel these things without guilt and react to them with love and compassion then they don't feel so overwhelming anymore. I can feel them and let them pass, as they do.
I wouldn't give up being Mom or Gramma for the world. So letting guilt over feelings that I have no control over, get a hold on me, just doesn't make sense to me.
Sometimes I say things that could be left unsaid. Do things that didn't have to be done. For those things I feel regret. I don't feel guilt. At that moment in time it felt justified or I would not have done or said them.
We have enough things to weigh us down without adding the very things that make us human.
BarbieBF
Mom
Gramma
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2017. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
I don't know when I stopped feeling guilty as a general rule. Sure there are times when I feel guilt. Like when my son calls and I'm putting my grandson to sleep so I don't answer my phone. I know why he is calling. So yes I feel fleeting moments of it.
I regret a lot of things that have happened but no I don't feel guilt about them anymore. I certainly don't feel guilty about what I feel. Good or bad.
Over the years there have been phrases or teachings that I have held on to. Some are from a rehabilitation course that I took, others from my many hours reading articles on the internet.
There are no right or wrong feelings. We can't not feel what we feel. We can learn to act and react differently to those feelings.
Give yourself the same love and compassion you would someone else. I may expect more from myself that I do others however I'm not harder on myself for those expectations.
My daughter has been having a bit of a tough time emotionally. Adjusting to being a mother doesn't happen overnight. Yes there are and will be times when one wants to walk away from it all. Hand over the crying baby, call someone, anyone, and spend the whole night playing cards....
There are times when I don't want to be Gramma. Strike that. There are times when I don't want to me mom, still. I can feel guilty for feeling that way or I can accept that what I feel is natural and in my opinion, to be expected.
When I give myself the right to feel these things without guilt and react to them with love and compassion then they don't feel so overwhelming anymore. I can feel them and let them pass, as they do.
I wouldn't give up being Mom or Gramma for the world. So letting guilt over feelings that I have no control over, get a hold on me, just doesn't make sense to me.
Sometimes I say things that could be left unsaid. Do things that didn't have to be done. For those things I feel regret. I don't feel guilt. At that moment in time it felt justified or I would not have done or said them.
We have enough things to weigh us down without adding the very things that make us human.
BarbieBF
Mom
Gramma
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2017. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Rockin' the Boat, A Mustang & Several Cans of Worms.
Yesterday I had such a great day! Seriously it was all good. Tuesday I got hit with major sedation from my antidepressants. I'm guessing due to it having build up in my system. Yesterday I woke up with the urge to do things... By 9 AM I was already thinking about the things I wanted to make/bake. I made beef jerky, cookies, bread, cheese crackers and tried a new rice recipe for dinner. Cleaned the fridge and did some rearranging in the kitchen. Monday I spent several hours vacuuming and de-cob-webbing our unfinished basement. I knew then that my antidepressants were doing their thing ;).
Last night my son decided to throw a wrench in things. Out of the blue he doesn't need/want his Olanzapine. It's time to try and go off them... Because barely a month of regaining some stability is long enough, I guess.
I'm sitting here trying really hard not to be pissed. For the past 3-4 weeks both myself and my hubby have been nothing but supportive and understanding. I have been patiently cleaning up his messes. Spending quality time with him doing things like messaging and scratching his back, brushing his hair, filing his nails, cuddling and even flossing his teeth. Yup you read that right. His teeth are mess. When the ashtray in the back yard, that is only 3 feet away from him, is to far away; that's ok, I take it too him. I have picking up his garbage, hosing down the yard due to his spitting... What do I ask for in return? Not very much. Perhaps that is the problem. I have been expecting way too little. In my quest to be understanding I am making things way to easy for him, again.
In my last blog post I mentioned him smoking in his room. Another thing that I have been very patient about. I have not yelled at him. I have said very little actually unless I catch him doing it. I have been keeping an eye out and finding what he uses for ashtrays when I can so that I can 'remind him' that there is no smoking in his room. A couple of times I have found the cups or containers that he uses and have removed them. For the past couple of days I haven't been able to find anything. Smart little bugger he is... He forgot this morning to put the lid back on the peanut can that he has been using. The one I thought was full of peanuts. It was full of cigarette butts.
Last weekend hubby got my son another carton of cigarettes as he has gone through 3 cartoons in just over 2 weeks. Of course smoking in his room means that he is smoking even more.
My son agreed last night to take his Olanzapine this morning... Yes as I'm sure you guessed, so far that has not happened. After I found the 'peanut can', I was thinking to myself: 'Do I really want to rock the boat and bring it up?'; as I didn't want to trigger his ODD defiance and cause him to not take the Olanzapine. Honestly what am I thinking... I'm not triggering his ODD. I'm not rockin' the boat... He is. I'm the one 'walking on eggshells' to not rock it and to what end?
I let him know this morning that if he isn't going to take the Olanzapine then he needs to call his nurse and let him know and discuss upping his Invega from 6 mg to 9 mg. Can I do it for him since I'm the one that seems to have a problem with this. Yes I absolutely have a problem with him going into psychosis, losing touch with reality and possibly one of us getting hurt. I can't hold him accountable for symptoms that he has no control over however he can be accountable for making choices that are going to cause a re-emergence of these symptoms. If he is going to make these decisions then he needs to be responsible for them and letting his treatment team know.
I also put away the rest of the carton of cigarettes that my hubby just got and let him know that I will give him a pack a day and they need to stay downstairs, not in his bedroom. Enough is enough. If hubby and I can smoke outside or in the basement then Michael can too and he is just going to have to figure that one out. I wonder how many times I have typed 'enough is enough'. Probably not enough ;) and certainly I need to have better follow through on these things or my son will just continue to break the rules with no consequences.
Ah yes the mustang. Hubby seems to be going through a phase. I feel a bit bad. I know how much he wants one and I won't tell him that he can't have one. He is the one earning a pay check after all. We did take one out for a test drive...
I'm not much for knowing about cars... She does look and sound nice though. Certainly suits hubby. It doesn't suit anything else though. The back seat was very cramped and he would lose a lot of functionality in the front as well. If it was just hubby and I, there would have been zero questions and we probably would have purchased it.
Hubby texted me this morning that one of the credit cards didn't work. I haven't been keeping close tabs on our accounts over the last week. Not that it would have mattered as some things came up that needed to be attended to. Hubby is now completely in debt in his name ;) Actually he has no more credit left and his bank account is in overdraft. Oops.
I hadn't heard from my daughter for a couple of days. Never a good thing. If she doesn't call me on the way to work, then she probably isn't working. She called me last night. She lost her painting job. That was coming and I'm surprised it took that long. She has issues with getting to work on time and having enough bus money to even get to work. She refuses to ask me for help unless it's absolutely necessary. Both hubby and I gave her some 'loving advice' on asking me for help. Regardless of where we are at financially we will gladly help her with getting a bus pass for the month. Same with getting to the doctor for a bladder infection that she has had for a long time now. She doesn't have money for the prescription. Get to the doctor and let me know how much it will cost. Good lord... She is struggling to be independent and to be strong. She is struggling to pay her rent, she is struggling to even take care of herself properly and she isn't succeeding. She needs to come home because she is taking on the responsibility of way to much and to many people where she is.
I meet with my worker at ADAPT on Tuesday. Still doing intake or background information. She asked me about complicated relationships. Haha! All of them! Some I have let go to the wayside as I really don't need them. Some are a little harder as I can't walk away from them. I have an idea of which ones play on me the most as they are the ones that my negative thoughts are on loop about and part of the reason I'm on Venlafaxine. To stop that negative loop that I dislike and I seem to have little control over lately. There is no closure or resolution.
I'm grateful and already this lady has helped me on two occasions with helping me to see what I was missing. Once regarding my husband and on Tuesday. She commented that my feelings on one relationship seemed to be motivated by fear. I know that my anger is usually fueled by something else. Hurt feelings and betrayal are the normal culprits and still do play a part however I completely overlooked fear. She was right. Fear of the damage that it has caused and continues to cause, on occasion. Damage that I have so little control over. I can usually put things behind me however I'm having trouble with this one. To the point where I'm on guard because I feel I have to be or I could easily lose my cool again. I don't like doing that.
Last weekend hubby and I found a store that sells semi-permanent titanium or grey hair dye. I have been looking for silver but no luck so far. As I have been watching my grey slowly grow in, I have been liking it. Hubby says he likes it too. So I want to highlight it with grey. I would do it myself but I don't think I could manage seeing to pull my hair through every second row of the cap.
I think I'm going to try printing my resume and taking it over to the pet store that is just around the corner. I held off as my son was interested for all of what, 24 hours... I'm no way comfortable with the idea of working full time right now as my poor home would be in shambles but part-time. I was excited a couple of weeks ago about another work from home opportunity however after looking into some reviews it appeared to be mostly another scam where you pay a lot of fees with little to no guarantee of work.
Michael has been attending the group meetings through PACT for the past 3 weeks. Thought I would throw that in there!
My quit date for quitting smoking is this weekend. Wish me luck!
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Last night my son decided to throw a wrench in things. Out of the blue he doesn't need/want his Olanzapine. It's time to try and go off them... Because barely a month of regaining some stability is long enough, I guess.
I'm sitting here trying really hard not to be pissed. For the past 3-4 weeks both myself and my hubby have been nothing but supportive and understanding. I have been patiently cleaning up his messes. Spending quality time with him doing things like messaging and scratching his back, brushing his hair, filing his nails, cuddling and even flossing his teeth. Yup you read that right. His teeth are mess. When the ashtray in the back yard, that is only 3 feet away from him, is to far away; that's ok, I take it too him. I have picking up his garbage, hosing down the yard due to his spitting... What do I ask for in return? Not very much. Perhaps that is the problem. I have been expecting way too little. In my quest to be understanding I am making things way to easy for him, again.
In my last blog post I mentioned him smoking in his room. Another thing that I have been very patient about. I have not yelled at him. I have said very little actually unless I catch him doing it. I have been keeping an eye out and finding what he uses for ashtrays when I can so that I can 'remind him' that there is no smoking in his room. A couple of times I have found the cups or containers that he uses and have removed them. For the past couple of days I haven't been able to find anything. Smart little bugger he is... He forgot this morning to put the lid back on the peanut can that he has been using. The one I thought was full of peanuts. It was full of cigarette butts.
Last weekend hubby got my son another carton of cigarettes as he has gone through 3 cartoons in just over 2 weeks. Of course smoking in his room means that he is smoking even more.
My son agreed last night to take his Olanzapine this morning... Yes as I'm sure you guessed, so far that has not happened. After I found the 'peanut can', I was thinking to myself: 'Do I really want to rock the boat and bring it up?'; as I didn't want to trigger his ODD defiance and cause him to not take the Olanzapine. Honestly what am I thinking... I'm not triggering his ODD. I'm not rockin' the boat... He is. I'm the one 'walking on eggshells' to not rock it and to what end?
I let him know this morning that if he isn't going to take the Olanzapine then he needs to call his nurse and let him know and discuss upping his Invega from 6 mg to 9 mg. Can I do it for him since I'm the one that seems to have a problem with this. Yes I absolutely have a problem with him going into psychosis, losing touch with reality and possibly one of us getting hurt. I can't hold him accountable for symptoms that he has no control over however he can be accountable for making choices that are going to cause a re-emergence of these symptoms. If he is going to make these decisions then he needs to be responsible for them and letting his treatment team know.
I also put away the rest of the carton of cigarettes that my hubby just got and let him know that I will give him a pack a day and they need to stay downstairs, not in his bedroom. Enough is enough. If hubby and I can smoke outside or in the basement then Michael can too and he is just going to have to figure that one out. I wonder how many times I have typed 'enough is enough'. Probably not enough ;) and certainly I need to have better follow through on these things or my son will just continue to break the rules with no consequences.
Ah yes the mustang. Hubby seems to be going through a phase. I feel a bit bad. I know how much he wants one and I won't tell him that he can't have one. He is the one earning a pay check after all. We did take one out for a test drive...
I'm not much for knowing about cars... She does look and sound nice though. Certainly suits hubby. It doesn't suit anything else though. The back seat was very cramped and he would lose a lot of functionality in the front as well. If it was just hubby and I, there would have been zero questions and we probably would have purchased it.
Hubby texted me this morning that one of the credit cards didn't work. I haven't been keeping close tabs on our accounts over the last week. Not that it would have mattered as some things came up that needed to be attended to. Hubby is now completely in debt in his name ;) Actually he has no more credit left and his bank account is in overdraft. Oops.
I hadn't heard from my daughter for a couple of days. Never a good thing. If she doesn't call me on the way to work, then she probably isn't working. She called me last night. She lost her painting job. That was coming and I'm surprised it took that long. She has issues with getting to work on time and having enough bus money to even get to work. She refuses to ask me for help unless it's absolutely necessary. Both hubby and I gave her some 'loving advice' on asking me for help. Regardless of where we are at financially we will gladly help her with getting a bus pass for the month. Same with getting to the doctor for a bladder infection that she has had for a long time now. She doesn't have money for the prescription. Get to the doctor and let me know how much it will cost. Good lord... She is struggling to be independent and to be strong. She is struggling to pay her rent, she is struggling to even take care of herself properly and she isn't succeeding. She needs to come home because she is taking on the responsibility of way to much and to many people where she is.
I meet with my worker at ADAPT on Tuesday. Still doing intake or background information. She asked me about complicated relationships. Haha! All of them! Some I have let go to the wayside as I really don't need them. Some are a little harder as I can't walk away from them. I have an idea of which ones play on me the most as they are the ones that my negative thoughts are on loop about and part of the reason I'm on Venlafaxine. To stop that negative loop that I dislike and I seem to have little control over lately. There is no closure or resolution.
I'm grateful and already this lady has helped me on two occasions with helping me to see what I was missing. Once regarding my husband and on Tuesday. She commented that my feelings on one relationship seemed to be motivated by fear. I know that my anger is usually fueled by something else. Hurt feelings and betrayal are the normal culprits and still do play a part however I completely overlooked fear. She was right. Fear of the damage that it has caused and continues to cause, on occasion. Damage that I have so little control over. I can usually put things behind me however I'm having trouble with this one. To the point where I'm on guard because I feel I have to be or I could easily lose my cool again. I don't like doing that.
Last weekend hubby and I found a store that sells semi-permanent titanium or grey hair dye. I have been looking for silver but no luck so far. As I have been watching my grey slowly grow in, I have been liking it. Hubby says he likes it too. So I want to highlight it with grey. I would do it myself but I don't think I could manage seeing to pull my hair through every second row of the cap.
I think I'm going to try printing my resume and taking it over to the pet store that is just around the corner. I held off as my son was interested for all of what, 24 hours... I'm no way comfortable with the idea of working full time right now as my poor home would be in shambles but part-time. I was excited a couple of weeks ago about another work from home opportunity however after looking into some reviews it appeared to be mostly another scam where you pay a lot of fees with little to no guarantee of work.
Michael has been attending the group meetings through PACT for the past 3 weeks. Thought I would throw that in there!
My quit date for quitting smoking is this weekend. Wish me luck!
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, May 29, 2015
I'm seemingly not living very well. The 4 C's and Acceptance
'I'm seemingly not living very well.' Is what my son said to me yesterday when I pointed out for the umpteenth time that the patio table was not an ashtray. No he is not functioning very well at the moment.
The fact that he recognizes that he isn't living/functioning very well, I think is a good thing.
I don't know if it's that I'm perhaps a bit fed up with schizophrenia or if it's that I have been going through a phase of acceptance. Both I guess. On one hand I don't seem to have the motivation to be blogging, tweeting etc about mental illness. I think I just needed a bit of a break from it on social media and honestly I'm staring it in the face 24/7 at the moment and that's enough for me right now.
To a certain extend I have always accepted schizophrenia however I'm not sure I accepted how little control I have over it. On Monday and Tuesday evening my hubby and I attended a group through ADAPT for caregiver's of concurrent disorders (addiction and mental illness). Yes I pointed out that according to the DSM that addiction is now considered to be a mental illness ;).
For the first time I am seeking help in dealing with or coping with what our family is going through. It feels good. The 3 C's came up with a twist and I really liked it. The 4 C's: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, I can't Cure it but I can learn to Cope. I have always accepted that I didn't cause it and even that I don't have very much control over it however I have still been trying to control it to the best of ability. That ever present hope that if I do enough then my son will go into remission and start to build a life for himself.
I still have that hope however I can't build his life for him. I can't cure his schizophrenia. I can't...
It's been just over 2 weeks since I took him off the Latuda and started the Olanzapine. It's felt like a long 2 weeks. I have to keep reminding myself that it's only been 2 weeks. If someone broke a limb no one would expect recovery in just 2 weeks. You are looking at months at least. Even with the common cold it can take up to 3 months for the cough to completely go away. Yet here I am thinking: It's been 2 weeks, why hasn't the medication fixed this yet? *face palm* I really do know better. It's just hard to watch and wait.
Something that has been on my mind lately is something I read in an article about asylums or better yet how we need long term facilities. We do. I remember reading that people going through crisis had a place to go and just be or adjust, taking all the time they needed. I wonder if my son needs time to just be and adjust. Time to learn and recognize his own schizophrenia.
Over the past couple of weeks I have been noticing things. When I ask my son if he is hallucinating I don't get the auto-response of no. Now it's I think so. He is learning to recognize that what he sees, I don't. One day I noticed that he was very clammy/sweaty and asked if he was having an episode and he answered with I think so.
So I'm thinking: If I jump in and up his medications is this the right thing? On the surface the answer may seem like a yes. I'm not so sure. Maybe he needs to be in a place where he is stable enough to be aware of what schizophrenia is doing to him so that he can learn or see what it is also keeping him from doing. Living!
He seemed to be slowly improving until Wednesday when he went to the library with part of a group through PACT. He came back a bit more symptomatic and that night didn't sleep well. Yesterday he was off again and I even caught him masturbating in the living room. Can't say I was impressed with that ;). I let him know that I didn't like it and asked him to not do that in the living room. He agreed...
I think the stress of going to the library was too much for him right now. For a bit I actually wondered if he smoked marijuana with someone however I didn't see the other signs and he wasn't relaxed at all so I'm ruling that out. When I told him that he needed to get ready to go he said he didn't want to. I reminded him that he had told his case worker and nurse that he would go. I got him clean cloths and got his backpack ready for him. I didn't tell him that he had to go or that he could stay home. I let him know that if he found it too much that he could come home and that I think he should at least try that getting out may be good for him.
What struck me during the above conversation was like a flashback to when they are small and don't want to go to school. That's another twist that schizophrenia has thrown at us. He has been childlike for lack of a better word. Even my hubby has commented that sometimes when he answers me it's like he is a kid. Him not wanting to go to group was like a child not wanting to go to school. He went because even though I didn't tell him he had to, I didn't tell him couldn't and like a child he was in a way doing what he was told.
My main goal this last couple of weeks has just been to keep him on a good schedule for bed and spending time with him. I have been massaging and scratching his back whenever he asks which is 3-7 times a day. Sometimes at 6 in the morning... oi. It would be nice if it was after I had my coffee but oh well. When he asks, off I go. Every night I spend time with him, just cuddling/holding him. I was a little uncomfortable with this in the beginning however I have lightened up about it. When I first started massaging his back I could visibly see and feel him relax as I was doing it. I think it's been a good experience for both of us. It seems to be bringing us closer together. Hubby has been vacated to the smaller sofa while my son and I occupy the big one, while we watch our TV shows after dinner. Sometimes he puts his head in my lap. Yesterday I even got him to take 2 omega-3! The day before 2 multi-vitamins. I smiled when he walked away because I don't think he even realized what had happened. He stopped beside me while I was getting hubby and I our supplements, I handed him the multi-vitamins and he took them. :) Same with the omega-3. I offered him 2 and first he said no so I asked him to take just one and he decided to take both of them!
It's been a lot of going behind him and putting stuff away. Making sure things are turned off or reminding him that he has things turned on, like the deep fryer ;). I have been pointing all these things out to him however I have been doing it with a very loving tone. No judgments or being mad. Just letting him know that he isn't doing them. I think that is why he was able to say or see that he isn't living (functioning) very well. He knows that he hasn't been able to do these minor things.
I haven't been taking him out much. Realistically I think that even grocery shopping would take more energy then he has right now. I haven't told him that he can't come with us however I have stated that being clean needs to happen for him to come. Since he doesn't have it in him to really do this then he decides not to come. No worries he still gets his fair share of treats and usually McDonald's that we pick up for him on the way back.
With the hygiene thing... Again I have been pointing it out and again with a loving tone. Last weekend we got him new track-pants as he lost some weight and although the same size, they fit him better due to the style. That night I let him know he needed to get clean and put on clean cloths. He asked if he could not shower. I let him know that he didn't have to but I was going to clean him. He replied: You're going to clean me, ok let's do this... I washed his pits, neck, face and hands and had him put on all clean cloths. He even asked me to get him clean underwear. ;)
Slowly he seems to be becoming more aware of things like his own body odor. Baby steps right?
I'm in the middle of making flat bread as hubbies family is having a get together tomorrow. Not sure what to do about my son. Yesterday he was asking about the date and checking his bank account. Addiction... While he wants to come tomorrow, as soon as he realizes or remembers the date again... Take him with us when he will have triggered symptoms again or leave him home alone with no one making sure he isn't burning the house down ;)
I almost forgot. I finally booked camping! Next Saturday so that should hopefully give him something to look forward to.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
The fact that he recognizes that he isn't living/functioning very well, I think is a good thing.
I don't know if it's that I'm perhaps a bit fed up with schizophrenia or if it's that I have been going through a phase of acceptance. Both I guess. On one hand I don't seem to have the motivation to be blogging, tweeting etc about mental illness. I think I just needed a bit of a break from it on social media and honestly I'm staring it in the face 24/7 at the moment and that's enough for me right now.
To a certain extend I have always accepted schizophrenia however I'm not sure I accepted how little control I have over it. On Monday and Tuesday evening my hubby and I attended a group through ADAPT for caregiver's of concurrent disorders (addiction and mental illness). Yes I pointed out that according to the DSM that addiction is now considered to be a mental illness ;).
For the first time I am seeking help in dealing with or coping with what our family is going through. It feels good. The 3 C's came up with a twist and I really liked it. The 4 C's: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, I can't Cure it but I can learn to Cope. I have always accepted that I didn't cause it and even that I don't have very much control over it however I have still been trying to control it to the best of ability. That ever present hope that if I do enough then my son will go into remission and start to build a life for himself.
I still have that hope however I can't build his life for him. I can't cure his schizophrenia. I can't...
It's been just over 2 weeks since I took him off the Latuda and started the Olanzapine. It's felt like a long 2 weeks. I have to keep reminding myself that it's only been 2 weeks. If someone broke a limb no one would expect recovery in just 2 weeks. You are looking at months at least. Even with the common cold it can take up to 3 months for the cough to completely go away. Yet here I am thinking: It's been 2 weeks, why hasn't the medication fixed this yet? *face palm* I really do know better. It's just hard to watch and wait.
Something that has been on my mind lately is something I read in an article about asylums or better yet how we need long term facilities. We do. I remember reading that people going through crisis had a place to go and just be or adjust, taking all the time they needed. I wonder if my son needs time to just be and adjust. Time to learn and recognize his own schizophrenia.
Over the past couple of weeks I have been noticing things. When I ask my son if he is hallucinating I don't get the auto-response of no. Now it's I think so. He is learning to recognize that what he sees, I don't. One day I noticed that he was very clammy/sweaty and asked if he was having an episode and he answered with I think so.
So I'm thinking: If I jump in and up his medications is this the right thing? On the surface the answer may seem like a yes. I'm not so sure. Maybe he needs to be in a place where he is stable enough to be aware of what schizophrenia is doing to him so that he can learn or see what it is also keeping him from doing. Living!
He seemed to be slowly improving until Wednesday when he went to the library with part of a group through PACT. He came back a bit more symptomatic and that night didn't sleep well. Yesterday he was off again and I even caught him masturbating in the living room. Can't say I was impressed with that ;). I let him know that I didn't like it and asked him to not do that in the living room. He agreed...
I think the stress of going to the library was too much for him right now. For a bit I actually wondered if he smoked marijuana with someone however I didn't see the other signs and he wasn't relaxed at all so I'm ruling that out. When I told him that he needed to get ready to go he said he didn't want to. I reminded him that he had told his case worker and nurse that he would go. I got him clean cloths and got his backpack ready for him. I didn't tell him that he had to go or that he could stay home. I let him know that if he found it too much that he could come home and that I think he should at least try that getting out may be good for him.
What struck me during the above conversation was like a flashback to when they are small and don't want to go to school. That's another twist that schizophrenia has thrown at us. He has been childlike for lack of a better word. Even my hubby has commented that sometimes when he answers me it's like he is a kid. Him not wanting to go to group was like a child not wanting to go to school. He went because even though I didn't tell him he had to, I didn't tell him couldn't and like a child he was in a way doing what he was told.
My main goal this last couple of weeks has just been to keep him on a good schedule for bed and spending time with him. I have been massaging and scratching his back whenever he asks which is 3-7 times a day. Sometimes at 6 in the morning... oi. It would be nice if it was after I had my coffee but oh well. When he asks, off I go. Every night I spend time with him, just cuddling/holding him. I was a little uncomfortable with this in the beginning however I have lightened up about it. When I first started massaging his back I could visibly see and feel him relax as I was doing it. I think it's been a good experience for both of us. It seems to be bringing us closer together. Hubby has been vacated to the smaller sofa while my son and I occupy the big one, while we watch our TV shows after dinner. Sometimes he puts his head in my lap. Yesterday I even got him to take 2 omega-3! The day before 2 multi-vitamins. I smiled when he walked away because I don't think he even realized what had happened. He stopped beside me while I was getting hubby and I our supplements, I handed him the multi-vitamins and he took them. :) Same with the omega-3. I offered him 2 and first he said no so I asked him to take just one and he decided to take both of them!
It's been a lot of going behind him and putting stuff away. Making sure things are turned off or reminding him that he has things turned on, like the deep fryer ;). I have been pointing all these things out to him however I have been doing it with a very loving tone. No judgments or being mad. Just letting him know that he isn't doing them. I think that is why he was able to say or see that he isn't living (functioning) very well. He knows that he hasn't been able to do these minor things.
I haven't been taking him out much. Realistically I think that even grocery shopping would take more energy then he has right now. I haven't told him that he can't come with us however I have stated that being clean needs to happen for him to come. Since he doesn't have it in him to really do this then he decides not to come. No worries he still gets his fair share of treats and usually McDonald's that we pick up for him on the way back.
With the hygiene thing... Again I have been pointing it out and again with a loving tone. Last weekend we got him new track-pants as he lost some weight and although the same size, they fit him better due to the style. That night I let him know he needed to get clean and put on clean cloths. He asked if he could not shower. I let him know that he didn't have to but I was going to clean him. He replied: You're going to clean me, ok let's do this... I washed his pits, neck, face and hands and had him put on all clean cloths. He even asked me to get him clean underwear. ;)
Slowly he seems to be becoming more aware of things like his own body odor. Baby steps right?
I'm in the middle of making flat bread as hubbies family is having a get together tomorrow. Not sure what to do about my son. Yesterday he was asking about the date and checking his bank account. Addiction... While he wants to come tomorrow, as soon as he realizes or remembers the date again... Take him with us when he will have triggered symptoms again or leave him home alone with no one making sure he isn't burning the house down ;)
I almost forgot. I finally booked camping! Next Saturday so that should hopefully give him something to look forward to.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, May 1, 2015
Schizophrenia. What it is, not what it's not.
Did you reread that? I hope so. Did I grab your attention? I hope so.
I was thinking this morning, as I do a lot, about the perception of what schizophrenia is or isn't. I know that my son was diagnosed in 2011. I rarely think about how long ago that was. Four years that I have been trying to understand and research schizophrenia, medications, treatment options and other disorders that have cropped up along the way.
When I first started my research I had no idea what schizophrenia was. Honestly I didn't. I won't say that I hadn't been exposed to it or other disorders. Now that I'm more aware I can remember people or instances that now make more sense. People I knew that heard voices, not that I had any idea what that meant at the time. People who self-medicated. Kids in school that were in 'special classes' with behavioral issues. I had an idea about ADHD however I only knew this in the context of hyperactivity and that not everyone believed it was real. I guess we haven't come that far after-all. ;)
Now four years later and a lot of Googling I know a little bit about schizophrenia, ADD/ADHD, anxiety, depression, oppositional defiant disorder, self-harm, borderline personality disorder and addiction, to name a few. I have an idea of the medications used to treat these disorders and what they are supposed to do. I can even quote some of the statistics although I sometimes confuse them... 1% of the population will experience schizophrenia in their lifetime. So 1 in a 100. 1 in 3 or 4 or 5, depending on who is reporting the statistic, will experience a mental illness in their lifetime. I wonder if I'm the only one that questions phrases like 'in their lifetime'?
I know what schizophrenia is not. I have read it so many times that I'm almost to the point of not reading any article that starts of by saying what it isn't. I'm not even going to state what it isn't here because if you have done any reading on it then you already know and if you haven't then I don't want to continue to perpetuate a stereotype that I think we should be beyond by now.
Then there is the dreaded 'S' word... And no I don't mean schizophrenia ;). Does it exist? Yes. However it's another prejudice that I don't want to give credence to.
I'm sure most of us have heard of The Law of Attraction. There is a saying that goes something like this: Energy flows where attention goes...
Why are we still giving these negative stereotypes and misunderstandings our attention?
I will elaborate on that question. When I first starting researching schizophrenia in 2011, like I said I had no idea what it was. I knew it existed but that's all. The first thing I read was what it wasn't. Does it matter that what I was reading was stating what it wasn't? I ask this because in my mind it still caused a connection of thought... Kind-of like: Why do people think that? So one starts researching the stereotype... Do you see my point?
Now my world may be small and it's gotten significantly smaller over the last couple of years, since I left my job and started centering my attention on... Well this... Mental health/illness and advocacy. I can only say that in my life I have not seen or dealt with many of the stereotypes that we continue to give power to. Like I said though, I know that my world is small...
Now that I'm a little more involved and perhaps even a little more knowledgeable of mental illness in it's many forms, I want to see a change... I want to help make that change... I want to do my part if I can to further mental illness awareness. Not the stereotypes.
Over the past couple of years I have watched as conditions like depression, anxiety, OCD and even bipolar have gained ground and are not as taboo anymore. I think this is awesome! I know there is some concerns over conditions like ADHD or bipolar being over diagnosed or fads... I think in time this will even itself out. At least I hope so. The good thing though is that they are being talked about. These conditions are not in the dark like they used to be. Schizophrenia is lagging behind...
Schizophrenia is one of the most severe and misunderstood mental illnesses. And it's not getting any better. I question my part to play in this. Until recently I didn't consider myself a mental health advocate... I received a notice from Mental Health Advocates United letting me know that they had added my Facebook page... I remember thinking: I'm an advocate!?
I suppose I am. Until very recently I have tried fairly hard to keep me separate from who I am as a blogger and who I am on the internet. I'm BarbieBF... So if you Google BarbieBF (or BarbieBFLove) other then Barbie's best friend and boyfriend ;) I do believe most other instances are me.
I have tried fairly hard to protect my son's privacy and in reality my own as well as my family. Just because I'm willing to put myself out there that doesn't mean others are on the same page. The trouble with that is that in some instances I limit myself and therefor my ability to advocate. I don't try to guest blog on certain sites because they want your real name. That is of course assuming they would consider my blog in the first place. I did an interview for Plus Us Too (Yes a shameless plug of me :)) yet I didn't want to be visible.
Sorry I know it seems like this post has gotten off topic but I'm getting there. I don't mind if those who know 'me' in real life know that I'm BarbieBF however I have tried to limit those who know me as BarbieBF knowing 'me'. So lately I have been questioning that. How can I truly stand up to the stereotypes and the 'S' word and advocate that schizophrenia is not something to be ashamed of if I'm still hiding behind my anonymity?
My name is Barbara Froude and my son Micheal is diagnosed with schizophrenia. I also have a daughter and her name is Amanda. They are both truly awesome and every day they make me proud and help to show me what is important.
Back to my original topic. I know that science is struggling to define exactly what schizophrenia is. My question though, is can we stop saying what it isn't? Can we stop perpetuating the stereotypes and instead try to highlight what we do know? It's a physical disorder. It's a thought disorder. It's symptoms can include breaks with reality. So many things we do know that could be used instead.
Yesterday I saw something that caught my eye and stuck so I created my own version:
Can we close the door on stereotypes and open the door to knowledge? Can we start pushing what we do know? Schizophrenia is NOT hopeless. Recovery IS possible. Can we bring schizophrenia out of the shadows and into the light? It's time!
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. You can help spread awareness and show support by getting your own twibbon here: Twibbon
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
I was thinking this morning, as I do a lot, about the perception of what schizophrenia is or isn't. I know that my son was diagnosed in 2011. I rarely think about how long ago that was. Four years that I have been trying to understand and research schizophrenia, medications, treatment options and other disorders that have cropped up along the way.
When I first started my research I had no idea what schizophrenia was. Honestly I didn't. I won't say that I hadn't been exposed to it or other disorders. Now that I'm more aware I can remember people or instances that now make more sense. People I knew that heard voices, not that I had any idea what that meant at the time. People who self-medicated. Kids in school that were in 'special classes' with behavioral issues. I had an idea about ADHD however I only knew this in the context of hyperactivity and that not everyone believed it was real. I guess we haven't come that far after-all. ;)
Now four years later and a lot of Googling I know a little bit about schizophrenia, ADD/ADHD, anxiety, depression, oppositional defiant disorder, self-harm, borderline personality disorder and addiction, to name a few. I have an idea of the medications used to treat these disorders and what they are supposed to do. I can even quote some of the statistics although I sometimes confuse them... 1% of the population will experience schizophrenia in their lifetime. So 1 in a 100. 1 in 3 or 4 or 5, depending on who is reporting the statistic, will experience a mental illness in their lifetime. I wonder if I'm the only one that questions phrases like 'in their lifetime'?
I know what schizophrenia is not. I have read it so many times that I'm almost to the point of not reading any article that starts of by saying what it isn't. I'm not even going to state what it isn't here because if you have done any reading on it then you already know and if you haven't then I don't want to continue to perpetuate a stereotype that I think we should be beyond by now.
Then there is the dreaded 'S' word... And no I don't mean schizophrenia ;). Does it exist? Yes. However it's another prejudice that I don't want to give credence to.
I'm sure most of us have heard of The Law of Attraction. There is a saying that goes something like this: Energy flows where attention goes...
Why are we still giving these negative stereotypes and misunderstandings our attention?
I will elaborate on that question. When I first starting researching schizophrenia in 2011, like I said I had no idea what it was. I knew it existed but that's all. The first thing I read was what it wasn't. Does it matter that what I was reading was stating what it wasn't? I ask this because in my mind it still caused a connection of thought... Kind-of like: Why do people think that? So one starts researching the stereotype... Do you see my point?
Now my world may be small and it's gotten significantly smaller over the last couple of years, since I left my job and started centering my attention on... Well this... Mental health/illness and advocacy. I can only say that in my life I have not seen or dealt with many of the stereotypes that we continue to give power to. Like I said though, I know that my world is small...
Now that I'm a little more involved and perhaps even a little more knowledgeable of mental illness in it's many forms, I want to see a change... I want to help make that change... I want to do my part if I can to further mental illness awareness. Not the stereotypes.
Over the past couple of years I have watched as conditions like depression, anxiety, OCD and even bipolar have gained ground and are not as taboo anymore. I think this is awesome! I know there is some concerns over conditions like ADHD or bipolar being over diagnosed or fads... I think in time this will even itself out. At least I hope so. The good thing though is that they are being talked about. These conditions are not in the dark like they used to be. Schizophrenia is lagging behind...
Schizophrenia is one of the most severe and misunderstood mental illnesses. And it's not getting any better. I question my part to play in this. Until recently I didn't consider myself a mental health advocate... I received a notice from Mental Health Advocates United letting me know that they had added my Facebook page... I remember thinking: I'm an advocate!?
I suppose I am. Until very recently I have tried fairly hard to keep me separate from who I am as a blogger and who I am on the internet. I'm BarbieBF... So if you Google BarbieBF (or BarbieBFLove) other then Barbie's best friend and boyfriend ;) I do believe most other instances are me.
I have tried fairly hard to protect my son's privacy and in reality my own as well as my family. Just because I'm willing to put myself out there that doesn't mean others are on the same page. The trouble with that is that in some instances I limit myself and therefor my ability to advocate. I don't try to guest blog on certain sites because they want your real name. That is of course assuming they would consider my blog in the first place. I did an interview for Plus Us Too (Yes a shameless plug of me :)) yet I didn't want to be visible.
Sorry I know it seems like this post has gotten off topic but I'm getting there. I don't mind if those who know 'me' in real life know that I'm BarbieBF however I have tried to limit those who know me as BarbieBF knowing 'me'. So lately I have been questioning that. How can I truly stand up to the stereotypes and the 'S' word and advocate that schizophrenia is not something to be ashamed of if I'm still hiding behind my anonymity?
My name is Barbara Froude and my son Micheal is diagnosed with schizophrenia. I also have a daughter and her name is Amanda. They are both truly awesome and every day they make me proud and help to show me what is important.
Back to my original topic. I know that science is struggling to define exactly what schizophrenia is. My question though, is can we stop saying what it isn't? Can we stop perpetuating the stereotypes and instead try to highlight what we do know? It's a physical disorder. It's a thought disorder. It's symptoms can include breaks with reality. So many things we do know that could be used instead.
Yesterday I saw something that caught my eye and stuck so I created my own version:
Can we close the door on stereotypes and open the door to knowledge? Can we start pushing what we do know? Schizophrenia is NOT hopeless. Recovery IS possible. Can we bring schizophrenia out of the shadows and into the light? It's time!
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. You can help spread awareness and show support by getting your own twibbon here: Twibbon
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Canada Eh!
First I would like to talk about #BellLetsTalk day that was on January 28. I feel so privileged and proud to have been a part of this by joining in on Twitter and Facebook.
This year with over 120 million interactions Bell is donating over $6 million to mental health initiatives! Since 2010 they have donated over $67 million! Go Canada Eh!
Bell Let's Talk
There was a couple of articles criticizing the hashtag (#) and certain peoples involvement. Statements implying that a hashtag isn't going too.... Maybe those criticizing don't have a loved one suffering from a mental illness? Every tweet, every share, every conversation that may have been started that could pave the way to someone reaching out to get help... Honestly I'm not even remotely savvy today's lingo and I had to explain to my hubby what a hashtag was ;). BUT on January 28 I can tell you that #BellLetsTalk meant the world to me.
Also that night I watched Clara's Big Ride on CTV. Clara Hughes biked across Canada to raise mental health awareness. I cried watching it. I sat there thinking why am I being so emotional? Because it was so close to home and my heart what she was/is trying to accomplish. What Bell is trying to accomplish. My son said to me: Can we turn this off? He doesn't like to watch these types of programs and usually asks me to turn them off or leaves the room. My reply was: Hun I don't know if you are aware of who Clara Hughes is but she rode across Canada on her bicycle for mental health awareness so that people can feel more comfortable talking about it and getting help. She did this for you. He said: Oh. He didn't really watch it but he didn't leave the room either...
Since I'm basking in Canadian pride right now :) This is a mental health awareness video filmed in Newfoundland & Labrador where I grew up. You are not alone
Yesterday my older sister took me and my son to a vapor shop. My son goes through phases of wanting to vape (to inhale vapor from a E-cigarette or vaporizer). It wasn't the best day to go as the weather was iffy, calling for a lot of snow causing my sister to be uneasy about getting back home quickly.
My son however cannot be rushed on pretty much anything right now and certainly not regarding something that he has a passion for. We didn't stay nearly as long as he would have liked. Sadly he ended up getting an E-liquid that he is not all that happy with. I think hubby and I well end up taking him back there this weekend so that he can spend some time enjoying the experience and picking out an E-liquid that he will hopefully like after we leave ;)
My son is still recovering from his last break which was only three months ago. I know that he doesn't look sick. He doesn't look like a part of him is broken but his brain was broken in October and like any break it takes time to heal. Earlier in the week he asked how to use his debit visa bank card as a visa as he couldn't remember how. He used to use it as a visa all the time.
I watched this video this morning: NAMI PBC 2014 Annual Luncheon with Randye Kaye
I plan on getting a copy of her book: Ben Behind His Voices
I didn't get my son to do his cleaning chore today. There was a possibility that perspective tenants would be coming by to see the apartment today so I cleaned the whole bathroom ;)
He did ask for help making a sandwich the other day and I said no but I would help him and I told him what he needed to do in steps. He did it! I joked with him on taking a picture of him doing it. He may not pick up after himself right away however I'm finding that IF I don't do it then he does eventually do it himself at least with food stuff and garbage. Every now and than I'm taking handfuls of items like notebooks and technology back into his room. He still needs to do his laundry. I keep reminding him but so far no luck. He is playing games on his computer today though! And he has been watching shows on his tablet.
He has been sleeping good. Really good actually. Sometimes he goes to bed when hubby and I go to bed which is anytime after 8 PM as we watch TV in bed. He has been sleeping most of the night through and getting about 12-13 hours. I'm guessing/hoping that his brain is healing and that is why so much sleep because he is not on high doses of medications that would usually cause this.
Last night he actually took an Olanzapine as he asked where his Trazodone was and I suggested the Olanzapine might work better. The other night I had him help me fill up his pill case and I took out the Trazodone since he wasn't taking them. Now his pill case is on the back of his bed and he has remembered on his own to take them the last two nights.
Time for me to go and start making dinner. Spaghetti tonight!
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
This year with over 120 million interactions Bell is donating over $6 million to mental health initiatives! Since 2010 they have donated over $67 million! Go Canada Eh!
Bell Let's Talk
There was a couple of articles criticizing the hashtag (#) and certain peoples involvement. Statements implying that a hashtag isn't going too.... Maybe those criticizing don't have a loved one suffering from a mental illness? Every tweet, every share, every conversation that may have been started that could pave the way to someone reaching out to get help... Honestly I'm not even remotely savvy today's lingo and I had to explain to my hubby what a hashtag was ;). BUT on January 28 I can tell you that #BellLetsTalk meant the world to me.
Also that night I watched Clara's Big Ride on CTV. Clara Hughes biked across Canada to raise mental health awareness. I cried watching it. I sat there thinking why am I being so emotional? Because it was so close to home and my heart what she was/is trying to accomplish. What Bell is trying to accomplish. My son said to me: Can we turn this off? He doesn't like to watch these types of programs and usually asks me to turn them off or leaves the room. My reply was: Hun I don't know if you are aware of who Clara Hughes is but she rode across Canada on her bicycle for mental health awareness so that people can feel more comfortable talking about it and getting help. She did this for you. He said: Oh. He didn't really watch it but he didn't leave the room either...
Since I'm basking in Canadian pride right now :) This is a mental health awareness video filmed in Newfoundland & Labrador where I grew up. You are not alone
Yesterday my older sister took me and my son to a vapor shop. My son goes through phases of wanting to vape (to inhale vapor from a E-cigarette or vaporizer). It wasn't the best day to go as the weather was iffy, calling for a lot of snow causing my sister to be uneasy about getting back home quickly.
My son however cannot be rushed on pretty much anything right now and certainly not regarding something that he has a passion for. We didn't stay nearly as long as he would have liked. Sadly he ended up getting an E-liquid that he is not all that happy with. I think hubby and I well end up taking him back there this weekend so that he can spend some time enjoying the experience and picking out an E-liquid that he will hopefully like after we leave ;)
My son is still recovering from his last break which was only three months ago. I know that he doesn't look sick. He doesn't look like a part of him is broken but his brain was broken in October and like any break it takes time to heal. Earlier in the week he asked how to use his debit visa bank card as a visa as he couldn't remember how. He used to use it as a visa all the time.
I watched this video this morning: NAMI PBC 2014 Annual Luncheon with Randye Kaye
I plan on getting a copy of her book: Ben Behind His Voices
I didn't get my son to do his cleaning chore today. There was a possibility that perspective tenants would be coming by to see the apartment today so I cleaned the whole bathroom ;)
He did ask for help making a sandwich the other day and I said no but I would help him and I told him what he needed to do in steps. He did it! I joked with him on taking a picture of him doing it. He may not pick up after himself right away however I'm finding that IF I don't do it then he does eventually do it himself at least with food stuff and garbage. Every now and than I'm taking handfuls of items like notebooks and technology back into his room. He still needs to do his laundry. I keep reminding him but so far no luck. He is playing games on his computer today though! And he has been watching shows on his tablet.
He has been sleeping good. Really good actually. Sometimes he goes to bed when hubby and I go to bed which is anytime after 8 PM as we watch TV in bed. He has been sleeping most of the night through and getting about 12-13 hours. I'm guessing/hoping that his brain is healing and that is why so much sleep because he is not on high doses of medications that would usually cause this.
Last night he actually took an Olanzapine as he asked where his Trazodone was and I suggested the Olanzapine might work better. The other night I had him help me fill up his pill case and I took out the Trazodone since he wasn't taking them. Now his pill case is on the back of his bed and he has remembered on his own to take them the last two nights.
Time for me to go and start making dinner. Spaghetti tonight!
Mom
BarbieBF
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