I took part in my daughter's counselling session today and afterwords I was thinking about something her counselor said. Something to the affect of: It took me a long time to not feel guilty about enjoying my alone time.
I don't know when I stopped feeling guilty as a general rule. Sure there are times when I feel guilt. Like when my son calls and I'm putting my grandson to sleep so I don't answer my phone. I know why he is calling. So yes I feel fleeting moments of it.
I regret a lot of things that have happened but no I don't feel guilt about them anymore. I certainly don't feel guilty about what I feel. Good or bad.
Over the years there have been phrases or teachings that I have held on to. Some are from a rehabilitation course that I took, others from my many hours reading articles on the internet.
There are no right or wrong feelings. We can't not feel what we feel. We can learn to act and react differently to those feelings.
Give yourself the same love and compassion you would someone else. I may expect more from myself that I do others however I'm not harder on myself for those expectations.
My daughter has been having a bit of a tough time emotionally. Adjusting to being a mother doesn't happen overnight. Yes there are and will be times when one wants to walk away from it all. Hand over the crying baby, call someone, anyone, and spend the whole night playing cards....
There are times when I don't want to be Gramma. Strike that. There are times when I don't want to me mom, still. I can feel guilty for feeling that way or I can accept that what I feel is natural and in my opinion, to be expected.
When I give myself the right to feel these things without guilt and react to them with love and compassion then they don't feel so overwhelming anymore. I can feel them and let them pass, as they do.
I wouldn't give up being Mom or Gramma for the world. So letting guilt over feelings that I have no control over, get a hold on me, just doesn't make sense to me.
Sometimes I say things that could be left unsaid. Do things that didn't have to be done. For those things I feel regret. I don't feel guilt. At that moment in time it felt justified or I would not have done or said them.
We have enough things to weigh us down without adding the very things that make us human.
BarbieBF
Mom
Gramma
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2017. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
