The five long languages and self-love.

I find myself sitting here and thinking about what happens when we allow ourselves to become as sick as the people around us.

At one point I was pretty much living and breathing schizophrenia in my quest to help my son. Everything I did was with him in mind and I ended up needing antidepressants myself.

Whether it's mental health or physical health, it's so easy to let ourselves become our environment.

Yesterday was hubby's birthday and two weeks before that was mine... Needless to say it hasn't been a better year with respect to these dates then it has been in the past. I can't recall when the last time was that we shared any of these important dates on a good note. Perhaps we never have. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Mother's Day... All seem to become.... Well worse than any other day.

I have to ask myself why?

My journey of self-discovery with Christianity is teaching me to look at myself first. Even if I don't want to, I find myself expecting more during these times. Expecting my hubby to put others first. To me more precise, to put me first. I really do know better however feelings sadly to not care what is logical. So everytime I set myself up for hurt.

Really the fault is mine. I shouldn't expect more on any given day. I shouldn't put my hopes in other people's actions. I know where my hope should be... Where my longing for love should be. It's not with Man. It's with God. I know He is the only one that can fill that emptiness. Still not as easy as that. I wish it was. That's where expectations tend to mess things up.

I have recently learned about the five love languages. While we receive and give love using all five: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and physical touch, we tend to appreciate one or more of these more then the others.

Hubby and I actually discussed these a little bit one day and are now more aware of what each others are. You would think that would help us.... It only helps when one is willing to look outside oneself.

I did a self-test and discovered I seem to be in a three-way tie with words of affirmation, acts of service and quality time. Still I know that my main one is acts of service. It's how I show everyone that I love them, by doing things for them. Words have very little meaning to me when actions are not there to support the words. It's certainly not physical touch since I tend to shy away for physical contact. My hubby's is most likely physical touch. I've always known that to some degree. So even when we are not getting along I still hold his hand when we are out because if I don't... Things just keep going downhill.

So it's expectations that like I said, mess things up. Now that he knows my love language... Nothing has changed.

The fault is with me, expecting things to chance.

Physically and mentally that puts me in a situation where I am allowing someone else to have control over my health. Because I want hubby to show me that he loves me by doing something... anything. Make a healthy dinner. Keep his word. The list can go on. I get unhealthy. I wait for someone else to take care of me and I get disappointed when it doesn't happen.

It's a cycle I need to break. I know what I need and I know how to take care of myself. I know when I'm doing these things for myself that I feel so much better. Physically and mentally.

Time for me to do my exercises and eat before I get my grandson for the day.

To all the caregivers out there: Take care of yourself. Take the time to eat right and find some me-time to do something that is selfishly for yourself only.

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Regret vs Guilt

I took part in my daughter's counselling session today and afterwords I was thinking about something her counselor said. Something to the affect of: It took me a long time to not feel guilty about enjoying my alone time.

I don't know when I stopped feeling guilty as a general rule. Sure there are times when I feel guilt. Like when my son calls and I'm putting my grandson to sleep so I don't answer my phone. I know why he is calling. So yes I feel fleeting moments of it.

I regret a lot of things that have happened but no I don't feel guilt about them anymore. I certainly don't feel guilty about what I feel. Good or bad.

Over the years there have been phrases or teachings that I have held on to. Some are from a rehabilitation course that I took, others from my many hours reading articles on the internet.

There are no right or wrong feelings. We can't not feel what we feel. We can learn to act and react differently to those feelings.

Give yourself the same love and compassion you would someone else. I may expect more from myself that I do others however I'm not harder on myself for those expectations.

My daughter has been having a bit of a tough time emotionally. Adjusting to being a mother doesn't happen overnight. Yes there are and will be times when one wants to walk away from it all. Hand over the crying baby, call someone, anyone, and spend the whole night playing cards....

There are times when I don't want to be Gramma. Strike that. There are times when I don't want to me mom, still. I can feel guilty for feeling that way or I can accept that what I feel is natural and in my opinion, to be expected.

When I give myself the right to feel these things without guilt and react to them with love and compassion then they don't feel so overwhelming anymore. I can feel them and let them pass, as they do.

I wouldn't give up being Mom or Gramma for the world. So letting guilt over feelings that I have no control over, get a hold on me, just doesn't make sense to me.

Sometimes I say things that could be left unsaid. Do things that didn't have to be done. For those things I feel regret. I don't feel guilt. At that moment in time it felt justified or I would not have done or said them.

We have enough things to weigh us down without adding the very things that make us human.

BarbieBF
Mom
Gramma

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2017. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

'Tis the Season

It's been awhile...

I didn't escape getting sick after all. Ended up with an ear infection and bronchitis. All better now.

My daughter was here for 3 weeks. It was a great visit. She got in a lot of driving time, much to my hubby's despair the one day she went on the highway ;). Of course I was happily not paying attention to the speedometer... After that she kept to the speed limit in a quest to gain back his trust!

I have only spoken to my son a couple of times. The first time he was too busy smoking, drinking and whatever else to talk. The last time was earlier this week. He sounded not bad. At first I thought he sounded fairly clear headed then I realized it was more focused... He was happy that he had his head back as he had lost it and he has been listening to what his medications are doing to his head and body and doesn't like it. So yeah... focused just not really in a good way. Still he doesn't seem to be doing as bad as I feared.

On the home front things are good. Really good actually.

As each year passes I am learning to appreciate and love what I do have. I have always liked Christmas however now I can say that I love Christmas! It's not about the presents. It's just the fact that it is Christmas. I love my decorations and my villages that my daughter helped me to set up this year. Truthfully, after she got over her bah-humbug moment, she set up most of it.

I don't know if it's; that I'm getting older, what I have been through this past couple of years, or even my antidepressants. Honestly I don't care what the reason is, but I can say that I'm truly happy. I guess it stems from being truly grateful. I look at my home and I'm happy in it. I'm happy with who I am. I'm happy with the live that we are trying to build.

I wish that my children could be a big part of that life however I accept that they have to choose their own paths, good or bad.

Christmas is just around the corner and I would like to wish you all a wonderful holiday season!

Merry Ho Ho!
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Saint Dymphna, Saint Michael, a job? and being healthy.

About three weeks ago I learned about Saint Dymphna. She is the patron saint of the nervous, emotionally disturbed, mentally ill and those who suffer neurological disorders. She is also the patron saint of victims of incest.

Her story can be found here: Wikipedia - Saint Dymphna

My prayer to her:

I decided that I wanted a pendent for my necklace of her so my husband made it my birthday present. Saturday morning we went to a store that carries them. In the beginning I was thinking about getting three of them. One for me, my son and my daughter. Yesterday I had mine engraved with the initials of both of my children.

While at the store discussing Saints the clerk mentioned Saint Michael who is an Archangel. I knew that he was an Archangel however I know little of him beyond that. He is the patron saint of chivalry and warriors. The sick and the suffering also consider him to be their patron. The serpent that he is slaying in depictions of him represents evil. He is seen as one who protects against evil.

His story can be found here: Wikipedia - Saint Michael (Archangel)

My son's name is Michael... It just made sense so I got my son Saint Michael he does need help fighting his demons or evil entities. When I saw the detail of Michael's sword as it slayed the serpent... My son's hallucinations involve him creating armor to protect himself and he enjoys playing online games that involve armor etc. When we got home I took it to him and put it on him explaining who Saint Michael was. I also got him a medallion he can carry around that says: My son. You may have outgrown my lap but you will never outgrow my heart. I couldn't find one similar for my daughter. :(

I blogged a bit ago about my son wanting stuffed animals or stuffies as he calls them :). For awhile he wasn't paying much attention to them however recently he is back to cuddling with them. I know because I helped to arrange them last night before I did what has become our night time activity of me scratching and rubbing his back and head.

I know that sometimes my writing here can sound fairly negative. It's because this is my place to vent my thoughts and feelings and sort them out. Getting them out here means that they won't be directed at my son. Perhaps my hubby at times ;) but not my son. I can't recall the last time that I even raised my voice to him. Certainly not since we moved or since I've been on the Venlafaxine, so a couple of months. My husband says that he has seen a change in my son with how he is with me since I went to British Columbia to get him and that my son loves me more then I give him credit for. He may be right. I do know it's different now. My son spends more time sitting on the same sofa as us when we are watching TV. He spends more time having tea and watching TV with us. In fact if I don't think to ask my son to join us then my husband does because he doesn't want my son spending to much time in his room alone.

Despite our issues at times, I never need to wonder why I love my husband. I know that he finds all this frustrating at times, as I do, because we have seen how good my son can be. I don't mean good in behavior but good as in stable, clean and basically schizophrenia symptom free. It's hard to accept that as good as my son is doing right now and all things considered he is doing good, that this is the best we can expect because... Honestly why should we when we know that it can be so much better.

It's sad because instances like February and the shelter happen and they are no one's fault. It's when addiction, schizophrenia and oppositional defiance disorder (ODD) take over. If we could keep these things at bay for just a little while... Imagine what we could accomplish!

Yesterday my hubby asked me if my son was ok because he got up and didn't say anything. My hubby has problems reading social ques and people'e emotions. I really do think he has some asperger traits ;). No it's our routine... I may be up early but I don't like to talk. I want to wake up with my coffee, doing my social media. My son seems to be the same way. He gets up, we say good morning, he goes for a cigarette, grabs his energy drink and back up to his room sometimes to play his games, watch TV or 'think' depending on where his stability is at. As the day goes on we interact more.

Yes he is drinking energy drinks again. We have an agreement that if he keeps it to one a day and isn't drinking them at night, preferably in the morning than we buy him some when grocery shopping. So far he is doing this.

Remember the stones my hubby brought home for the back yard? Yesterday my husband asked for my son's help in placing them. Of course this meant my husband doing it but my son interacting with us while he did it. Then we were to go to the mall so I could get my pendant engraved.

Out of the blue my son asked about applying for a job at the corner store stating that if he had a job and some extra money his life would be perfect. Are you shocked? ;) I suggested the pet store that is just around the corner as I was thinking about applying there for some extra income. I had my son clip his nails and clean up a bit and we went over. They don't have applications so we have to do up a resume. They usually hire for summer hours.

Now I'm not sure what is motivating this however my son has been eating healthier. I have blogged about my own eating habits and what I eat for lunch. My son has also started eating the same things for snacks. Several times he would look at my lunch and take a cracker with brie cheese or a snap pea. Last week he started making his own plate of it including almonds!

Off and on he is now taking NAC (N-Acetyl Cysteine) in the mornings. He isn't giving me grief about taking his multi-vitamins or Omega 3. It's not everyday and sometimes he forgets but when he does he is now taking two of each! Yesterday I even got him to take a B50 complex. I'm trying not to make a big deal of it as if I did he would probably stop ;) It's part of me and my husband's routine to take our supplements after dinner with our tea while we watch TV so I'm just including my son in that routine without any fanfare and for now anyways I think it is helping.

When I brought up the B50 my son asked what does it do. Does is have the sun vitamin? No that's vitamin D, I think. We take it to be healthier. My son stated he didn't want to be healthier because he doesn't want to have more energy during the day. Some old thinking/issues rearing their little head that I refer to as his ODD. I replied: Do you see me jumping around with lots of energy? It will just make you healthier not more energetic. He took it. Although he forgot to take his Omega 3. Oh well. You win some, you lose some. ;)

Tomorrow it will be one week since my son stopped taking his Olanzapine. He is still being compliant with 6 mg of Invega as he says he doesn't mind this one. So he is only on one medication. Honestly I was expecting that we would be in a pretty bad spot by now. While voices have emerged or what my son is referring to as thoughts... Everything else seems to be holding steady. His appetite is good. Fairly good actually as he is usually asking me now what time my hubby is getting home from work so that we can have supper/dinner. In fact he usually asks me earlier in the day what we are having for dinner and will sometimes ask if we can have a different side dish. Whenever it's rice he asks me to make extra for him. I'm glad my cooking skills are improving ;) So far he is still on a good sleep schedule. He goes to bed when hubby and I do which is anywhere between 8 and 9. He was up at 9 this morning and rarely goes past 10:30. He is sometimes up earlier in the night for a cigarette and something to eat but goes right back to bed. There has been no sleeping on the sofa!

One night it was cute because hubby wasn't working the next day, so we stayed up later watching TV. I think it was around 10, which is really late for us, my son asks: Isn't it bedtime? He was tired and wanted to go to bed but I guess he was waiting for us to go too. Our routines may be hard to implement and his ODD may flair up here and there but they are really helping him.

Whether it's diet or Saint Michael or routine and boundaries... I don't know but I'm glad, knock on wood, that we have managed at least for now to keep my son from going to far in the wrong direction. I know that the end of the month is coming and yes we will probably be dealing with a 'hiccup' and alcohol but every day that we are not is an accomplishment and a step in the right direction.

Today it is raining so hubby came home early from work. They went to go exchange cigarettes. My son has decided he wants to roll them. My hubby wasn't happy with his last carton either. Oi... They worked it out last night. Since what they are returning is what hubby and I paid for then my son doesn't get back the money and instead my hubby will us it to buy my son his tobacco and rolling papers.

When they get back we are going to take my son to get his blood work done for the family doctor and his physical.

His caseworker from PACT was just here to drop off his meds and a copy of another letter she sent to British Columbia disability. I guess because my son hasn't been attending their Wednesday outings he is at risk for losing his spot with this. I can understand that as they have a lot of clients and ones who want to participate. Will have to put more energy into this and hopefully he will attend this Wednesday's outing.

I'm off to do some dishes, get dressed and wait for my boys to come back.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I never thought the day would come...

when I would actually be somewhat thankful that my son wasn't taking one of his medications. What a contradicting feeling that is as it's not, in my opinion, for a good reason.

Early yesterday my son asked if we could go to where we buy cigarettes and exchange the ones he has as they are too strong. He has been smoking this kind for at least two weeks. Too strong cigarettes and my son are not something you can put in the same sentence, normally. The stronger the better and he is always searching for a stronger kind that gives him that 'hit' that he so enjoys. My son currently has over three cartons of cigarettes which include three different kinds. Apparently one is now too strong, one is too weak and the other... he just isn't smoking them. The ones that are too strong are the more expensive ones. I'm pretty sure the intent here was that if he exchanged them for a cheaper kind then he would have money for alcohol. I said no to going.

Awhile later he seemed ok with the idea of adjusting how he is smoking these cigarettes so that they aren't as harsh. (!) This was followed up with the statement: Nana is sending my $30. Does she know that this money is going to go on alcohol? Yes, she said not to go overboard with it and I won't. Right, because buying 1-3 mickeys (375 ml bottles) of alcohol and drinking one in less then two hours isn't going overboard... He can get a mickey for $10, so $30 would get him three plus one of the tiny bottles of whatever it is that he also gets. All of these are 40% alcohol.

For the past two days I have been watching/listening as the voices are coming back and he is laughing out loud and being distracted by them. He is of course denying it. I didn't say anything else about it to my son... I posted this on my Facebook page:

Looks like my son will be drinking tonight. Recently stopped his Olanzapine cold turkey and is laughing at voices, so let's add some alcohol why don't we. I don't know who is worse

My daughter calls me to tell me that she spoke to Nana and she isn't sending the money that she didn't know he was off his Olanzapine.

Really?

I wrote this on April 13:

Today for the first time in a very long time I had trouble getting him to take his medication. He doesn't want to take his Olanzapine any more.

I know she read this blog post because we talked about it when we spoke the following day.

I wrote this on April 14:

As of Tuesday he is refusing to take any Olanzapine.

Maybe this one hadn't been read yet...

My daughter called me when hubby and I were at our chiropractor. Can you say subluxated? Usually I'm easier to adjust. My chiropractor asked what I've been doing? My son's grandmother is trying to give me a heart attack but other then that.... ;)

My son was waiting for us in the car since he usually comes with us for the car ride. I heard him on his cell saying something like: Wouldn't you be angry if you were being forced to take pills...

So I went to bed with the thought of what a conundrum. IF he was taking his Olanzapine then he would have been sent the $30? I'm not naive. I obviously know that when he gets money at the end of the month that he will spend some of it on alcohol. I was thankful that it was two weeks away so that we would have a better idea of how he was going to react coming off the Olanzapine cold turkey. I do live in reality (my reality anyways ;)) and I know I can't stop it but to enable him and help him...

April 13:

Nana's intentions may be good and I know are coming from a place of love... When my son pulls on her heartstrings with how much he needs to drink or get high because he is so unhappy, stressed, anxious and there is nothing for him in this world... Will she have the willpower to say no? Will she be able to put aside how much she loves him and how much her heart is breaking for him to make the right decisions? Will she be able keep her home drug and alcohol free even if that means him 'going to the streets' to get it?

I guess IF I had any doubts as to the answers to above... She can barely say no when they are pretty much on the opposite sides of the country. Can you imagine face to face?

My hubby says to me that I need to do something to stop this. Like what? A restraining order of zero contact crossed my mind... Yes I'm aware that's an overreaction. ;)

My son also called Ontario Works yesterday about getting his own place. He is not happy about the amount of money he is getting. Because of the letter from British Columbia's disability stating that he was on disability out there even when he was living here in Ontario, they are considering his payments while here as an over-payment and deducting $40 from his portion. He is still getting $100 and the only thing he needs to pay for is his cigarettes which he can get for $17 a carton. I even helped pay for his last ones and bought him a carton. Plus he got $60 from the government recently. I have informed his case worker at PACT so she can follow up and try to fix it, again. His motivation for getting his own place... More money and the ability to drink and/or abuse drugs.

I get that someone might read this and think: It's just alcohol. It's not just alcohol. It's like a member of AA not wanting to be associated with a drug addict because 'I don't use drugs!'. Addiction is addiction. It's been a battle to get my son from being a chronic marijuana smoker. How long before he is again? If he wanted money for heroine or cocaine would that be ok? I would hope that that line wouldn't be crossed however I don't see much of a difference in helping him drink or helping him get cocaine when drinking/using triggers his schizophrenia. Maybe it's just me.. It just seems so obvious to me at this point...

Enough of the negative... Out of the blue my son hugged me last night! One of those rare, you can actually feel, type of hugs. I held him for a moment and asked what that was for. He feels lonely and wants a girlfriend that he can cuddle with. Yes I know... Tear at your heartstrings...

He is not going to find that in the bottom of a bottle be it alcohol or benzos. We discussed him getting out with PACT's group on Wednesday as he declined going to the last one. It was bowling. Also when they called we were in the middle of a pretty in-depth conversation about his schizophrenia and voices. I won't make this post much longer with all the details. I was curious to know if his voices have ever threatened me. He said that they have told him to kill me or they would kill him and he waited for them to kill him because he wasn't going to kill me. That when they do this he creates his own 'robots' to keep them away from him. A lot of words that would take me forever to write and interpret into language that others would understand.

I'm pretty thankful actually that I can understand as much as I do. We manage to talk out a lot of what he is experiencing and I'm able to interpret what he says into 'normal English' and sometimes give him the medical terms for what he is telling me.

Anyways I should go... It's after 12 and I have been up since 5:30 when the little one below was headbutting me to get up and feed her.

So far all I have done is the dishes. Hubby brought home some stones yesterday for the backyard and it's a nice day out. Also a couple of days ago I received my new Dyson vacuum that I ordered with my Aeroplan points that I haven't used it. So I'm off to face my day...

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Learning to be thankful for...

my antidepressants...

Around 3 PM yesterday I thought to myself: I'm glad I'm on these ;)

Yesterday was my birthday...

I would have to say the highlight of my day was my daughter calling me. She's pretty awesome! I really wish that there was more that I could do when it comes to her and where she finds herself.

At one point yesterday I told my hubby that I wished I had a private jet. Honestly if I did have a private jet and wasn't on my antidepressants... The day probably wouldn't have ended well ;)

On Facebook I'm part of a sharing group that helps mental health pages grow. It's a great group. When I'm sharing items through this group I follow the rules as they are. I guess I'm not following the rules when I share outside of the group. In my way of thinking what I do outside of the group is my personal choice. I don't have to share the pages that are a part of this group, on my own, if I don't want to. I do because I want to show support. Should I have to follow the rules of the group on my personal time? Personally I don't think so however that doesn't seem to matter. The problem is arising not from articles or posts that these pages are putting up that are their own but from things they themselves are sharing from other pages. I can only relate based on my own page. If I put up an article from some other site or page then why would I want credit for it? I don't. It's not mine. With the last incident I happened to share something that lots of pages were sharing, I just happened to pick a page from the group to share from, thinking that I was helping them...

I get a message from the groups admin what I was doing wrong and that perhaps it was time we part ways... I was shocked. Really? Because I shared something on my own, outside of the group, and didn't say via: 'page' then I'm not following the rules. I responded and tried to post publicly in the group my answer... It was deleted. Makes me wonder how many others are experiencing the same type of censorship.

Also I'm being told that I don't have enough original content or pictures as admin has already liked all of my pictures. There are pages with a lot less then mine which is why I'm thinking they are going through the same ordeal. I can only guess as if they tried to post publicly in the group chances are it got deleted just like mine did.

My response included what I have been doing to participate and some insight into my life recently. I got told that it sounds like I need to take a break and perhaps spend some time on my blog. ;) Ok... It sometimes amazes me that when someone actually speaks up or out that the response is 'You need a break.' Like getting mad over a perceived injustice is not allowed...

Anyways I got over it to a certain degree. Made more pictures. Loaded my page with content from pages that I have managed to find on my own where I don't have to spend the extra time tagging a page that doesn't even own the content. Don't get me wrong I still love the group. It's theme and idea is awesome...

I'm still thinking it over and about how much time I have to invest... Maybe it is time I made my own path.

While I was on the phone with my daughter, Nana called me and left a message. We haven't spoken since my son was in the shelter last time. We probably shouldn't have spoken yesterday either ;)

The message stated that there seems to be some sort of misunderstanding and that my son was not going there. I played the message for my son because I'm beyond tired of this.

After reading my last blog post I guess it became evident that something wasn't right between what my son was saying and what seemed to be happening. These are duh moments for me because to me that's fairly obvious. It all gets more confusing because there are three people with three different viewpoints and opinions on the same situation. Of all that I wrote in my last post (or said), one sentence becomes the center of attention and sadly that sentence was even confused.

"I asked my son if financially his Nana and I were the same and I couldn't provide him with the things that I do, would he want to stay with me?"

I did not say or ask: Do you want to live with Nana... I could be wrong but I'm thinking that even anyone reading my blog would probably know me good enough at this point to realize that I would be hard pressed to let that happen...

While I understand that Nana is trying to give my son a safe place it doesn't change the fact that in handling things a certain way that it gives my son the opportunity and means to stay sick. I can try to see the viewpoint and to a certain degree I do... I also see what it is causing to happen.

Nana sees that my son is cycling again... Yes he is. The problem is that by hedging around the truth , I think, this is contributing to my son cycling. It's addiction that is causing this however it's like saying: Oh well, he fell off the wagon again... Yes if you hand him a bottle he will fall off the wagon.

Other things were said... I hung up when I was basically asked to justify why I even talked to him about it all in the first place due to my insecurities... At this point I thought: What's the point? I'm not insecure. Trying to talk to my son about our relationship and where I stand with him is my right as his mother.

A little while later my son comes to me and asks me why Nana wants him to pet a horse... Bets me. I told him the same thing I told her. If they want to have a relationship based on lies or half truths or delusional thinking or whatever you want to call it, that's between them.

Now I get to watch my son be even more confused because he is getting contradictory information. In his eyes his Nana is telling him that he can go there and based on what she said to me, I can totally see where he got that idea. If you knew my son even a little bit, not saying no is the same as saying yes. Now throw in the phone message which goes against all that. So now my son is telling me that he doesn't understand why Nana changed her mind. She didn't... She just didn't have the heart to tell him no...

So addiction is ruling the roost right now. My son can't get benzos prescribed here with me in Ontario. He can in British Columbia. As of Tuesday he is refusing to take any Olanzapine. Ask my son if having a psychotic break is worth it if it means getting relief from his addiction cravings? He doesn't see his breaks as a bad thing. He doesn't care about the long term affects because he doesn't see past what he is currently feeling. I saw the after affects of his last break and how at one point he didn't even know how to put on a hat...

I don't know... I just can't love him in a way that will enable this to happen again if it can be stopped. This is another area that Nana and I butt heads over other then the tough love/unconditional love. Labels. Yes I get that no one wants to be labeled. Let's remove the label schizophrenia... hmm that doesn't stop my son from having schizophrenia does it? We can turn our backs on labels however we can't turn our backs on reality. It doesn't care if we label it or pretend like it isn't there... It is what it is...

I sometimes wonder what my readers think of my blog... Most of the feedback I get is from Nana and sometimes my daughter who gets her information/ideas about my blog from Nana. So many times even what I blog about gets messed up and I keep thinking as I blog and read and re-read, this makes sense and shouldn't get misunderstood... And then it gets misunderstood. It is my writing or is it one person's interpretation?

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

How do you stay so calm? Behind the Wall

This is what my husband asked me last night. "When I hear him talking like that my blood boils. All I can see is it all happening all over again." Yes me too...

I'm doing my best to learn to let go of things that I can't change or have no control over. My hubby: "Yes but I have seen you, when you put your mind to it, and you do have control and you are able to stop it." Yes but only for a little while... It's raining outside. I can stand under an umbrella but eventually I'm going to get wet. I'm just putting off the inevitable.

I recently purchased a book: Behind the Wall. Click on the book title and it will take you to it. I have barely started the first chapter and already I have felt a connection with the writers and the families they are writing about. In the preface something stood out for me:

"No parent, for example, ever wants to admit there are times when one secretly wishes her child to precede her in death. No one ever thinks that. But this is not an uncommon or unjustified thought for a parent to have while her child is suffering from a particularly devastating episode related to mental illness."

Widdifield, Mary; Widdifield MA, Elin (2015-03-02). Behind the Wall: The True Story of Mental Illness as Told by Parents (Kindle Locations 175-177). Langdon Street Press. Kindle Edition.

No I'm not secretly wishing my son was dead nor is he going through a bad episode right now. Still the ideal expressed in this quote is somewhere that I have been in the past and most likely where I will be in the future, again...

On Saturday while we were setting up the backyard and my thoughts were wondering as they usually do. I asked my son if financially his Nana and I were the same and I couldn't provide him with the things that I do, would he want to stay with me? Of course his first question was: Why are you broke? ;) Over $30000 in debt but that's not the point... I wasn't really expecting a black or white answer and told him that I was just curious as I don't want our relationship based on my ability to be a bank account to him. I purposely didn't say the word love as I don't think my son feels or reacts to things based on love. Not saying he doesn't feel it however it's secondary to his own needs or wants. Anyways he basically said that he is comfortable with me, Dad and Nana...

I use tinctures or herbs to treat my menopause and keep my hormones regulated. My son knows this. He has tried a tincture in the past for anxiety however abused it so I ended up getting rid of it. Just because they are herbs or natural it doesn't mean that they can be abused without harmful side affects.

Because he is struggling with anxiety most likely due to no alcohol now since Wednesday and he knows that he can't get any benzos prescribed, he is looking for another means to self-medicate. I have told him that I'm willing to work with him on things like this to help him with withdrawal and anxiety  however he is not going to find the relief he is seeking through a supplement. He says that is not looking for benzo relief however I know better. So we tried a tincture... Yesterday he tells me that it isn't working and asked if we can try another one. Tinctures are not cheap. They range from $20-$50 CAD a bottle.

What do you think preceding me saying no to another tincture? Maybe it would be best if I lived with Nana. That was the agreement anyways that after 6 months I could do that...

It wasn't my agreement and still isn't. This is from when my son was in the shelter the last time and as best that I can tell the agreement was that after 6 months of my son being in a group home and participating in addiction recovery that his Nana would start saving money for him to go out there.

All fine and dandy... What does this mean for my son though? It means he doesn't have to put forth any effort into managing his own life or trying to get better because Nana is waiting in the wings and life with Nana is certainly a lot easier then life with me. I have rules. I have boundaries. He can't manipulate me the way he manipulates her.

My love for him is different. It can see past his feel sorry for me manipulations and half truths that schizophrenia and mostly addiction allows him to speak without so much as batting an eye... Getting what he thinks he deserves is his priority and what others go through to make this happen doesn't matter to him. He knows that Nana would give up anything to give him what he wants. He knows that she can't say no to him. Whether it's good for him or not doesn't fit into the equation. In his eyes that is what love is... Be his minion and put him on a pedestal and you have proven that you love him...

How can that compete with my version of love that says yes I love you but I love and respect myself too. Yes you are special. So are others special too. Yes you have wants and needs. So do others. Yes you have experienced pain. So have others. Yes you deserve a good life... You get my point. I can't compete and I'm not going to try. He can accept my love for what it is or not. A love that sees past right now to a future that could be so much more then burying himself in the fake euphoria that addiction gives him. I use the word euphoria because two nights ago this is what he told me he wanted and what he was looking for.

So the conversation started to get a little heated. He got mad or upset that he is not getting the money that he thinks he should get. Some time ago we signed a room and board contract stating that he would pay me $700 a month because I pay for everything including cloths etc. Disability knows about this contract. I came to this dollar amount by spending considerable time going over the disability website and how they break down their funding. Because he is room and board instead of rent and paying for his own groceries, utilities etc then his payments are $841 instead of 9 something. While living with his Nana they said that he was paying his portion of the rent plus utilities etc so he got a bit more then here. Because it was rent then he got his money at the end of the month for the following month. Here he is room and board which gets paid at the end of the month for that month. You would have to ask disability why they do it this way however he does now have clarification from disability that it works that way so at least we don't have to have that argument anymore.

It clearly states on the disability website that his personal spending amount or money not for basic needs is $119. Do the math. $841 - $119 = $722.

While he was in the shelter the last time I did tell him that I would consider looking at $600 a month instead of $700 IF he was to start buying things for himself like he was supposed to with that money. Not drugs, alcohol, games... Since March 21st we have spent over $200 on him in extras. Not counting McDonald's, Tim Horton's, Chinese food... or the cloths we have gotten him since he loses items while in the shelter system. We have paid for cigarettes for him. I didn't take any money from his disability payment for February and he got the full payment, so that he could buy items for his room.

Givers have to set limits because takers never do...

So no I'm not changing the $700 to $600. Can you guess what followed? The phone call to Nana.

If what you are doing is making an addict happy then chances are you are enabling instead of helping.

Then I'm being asked to talk to Nana and make arrangements. No I'm not talking to Nana and I will not so much as lift a baby finger to help with something that I am dead set against. Considering what has happened in the past, why would I help make that happen again?



My son's case worker from PACT just left...

The kicker is this... Thursday and Friday my son was asking me to help him get his GED (high-school equivalent) because he needs it to work with my husband in construction and he had decided he wanted to do that. Today we were supposed to be looking into either getting him back with the YMCA or into another school that does adult learning.

Nana's intentions may be good and I know are coming from a place of love... When my son pulls on her heartstrings with how much he needs to drink or get high because he is so unhappy, stressed, anxious and there is nothing for him in this world... Will she have the willpower to say no? Will she be able to put aside how much she loves him and how much her heart is breaking for him to make the right decisions? Will she be able keep her home drug and alcohol free even if that means him 'going to the streets' to get it?

My son just admitted to his worker that 30% (I say 60%) of the reason he wants to go live with Nana is because it's easier there and because she won't be able to say no to him...

Today for the first time in a very long time I had trouble getting him to take his medication. He doesn't want to take his Olanzapine any more. Why would he? He is already plotting to get the life that he wants which is addiction and psychosis. Both of those worlds are so much happier for him. It's the collateral damage and who he will take with him when the time comes that I am all to aware of. What if it's my daughter the next time or prey tell some innocent bystander...

Am I calm? Inside I am seething that no matter how hard I try to change the path that two dysfunctional families have set my children on... I feel like I'm losing the battle yet again. Is dysfunctional love better then no love? I don't think so. Without dysfunction one can find healthy love and a better life.

As long as this relationship is part of the picture and my son has the freedom to run away time and time again and hide in his schizophrenia and addiction... For my own life and sanity I have to learn to accept and let go. Maybe send another prayer to Donna, my mom in heaven, to once again watch over her first born grandson and if possible interfere so that I can give him the future he deserves.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Spring... waiting... waiting...

I was doing my thing on the internet, looked outside and it was snowing! Yuk!

For the past couple of weeks my son keeps asking about camping or going to the park for a picnic. One I'm not camping when it's still going below zero at night and two I'm not picnicking if I need to wear gloves ;) I reminded him that just because he doesn't feel the cold it doesn't mean I don't. Hopefully soon we can start going for picnics again. That is if spring ever actually gets here.

I noticed something today when I was getting dressed. I went down a belt size... Hubby keeps saying how I'm too skinny. It's hard to look at myself objectively that way as for me I'm seeing that I can fit into cloths that used to be tight... He wants to be at my next doctor appointment. I think I'm just eating better. In fact I have had to add eating something for breakfast so that I can take my Venlafaxine. So I eat a bowl of Special K now. For lunch it's usually my crackers with brie cheese, a pepperoni, snap peas and a handful of almonds. Sometimes a mandarin orange. Plus a good dinner. I'm eating less and less junk food. Sometimes just a tiny dish of something while watching our TV shows. So seriously I don't think it's anything to worry about but I will have the doctor check my weight the next time we are there. We don't own a scale so I have no idea what I weight. Also we just did my blood work in February and all was good.

I decided to let my grey hair grow in. I know, big step! I'm tired of having hubby dye it. I'm about 40-50% grey now it seems. I did have hubby highlight it the other day. That was fun! It took him about 2 hours to pull it through the cap. So fingers crossed on what it will look like in a couple of months ;)

Yesterday I heard my son on the phone and asked who he was talking to. He was talking to the bank and updating his information. I asked why? He was seeing if someone could lend him some money. At first I was confused. You asked the bank to lend you money? No I'm trying to get Nana to. Ahh... He wanted $7 for a bottle of alcohol. I think he is still trying since I think he called her today. He will have his disability soon enough to spend on alcohol, unfortunately.

I did talk to him a bit yesterday about alcohol and being unhappy. I even went so far as to talk to him about what some are capable of when their schizophrenia is not being managed properly. He thought it was funny when I told him about someone who is currently in the news for decapitating someone on transit due to psychosis. Inappropriate emotional response... because honestly there is nothing funny about what untreated psychosis can do. And sadly him even drinking alcohol can cancel out the affect of his antipsychotics.

I talked about how addiction is a self-absorbing disease. He agreed that he was self-absorbed and didn't care about anyone except himself. I don't believe that... I do believe that due to addiction and schizophrenia he is not in touch with his emotions however it does not have to be like that. Yes in order to feel love that means that you will also feel pain. That's ok. It's worth it to feel love. And I know that he does feel love. I do see it when he is cuddling with the cat. I feel it when he hugs me back. He is just a little lost in what schizophrenia is taking away from him and what addiction keeps interfering with. Recovery is possible if he would just give it a chance and stop trying to hide from life.

He spoke about gateways... He meant gateways into his world. I told him there was a gateway downstairs that if he opened the door could lead to him seeing a beautiful world. But he has to go out there and take it.

He was supposed to go to group yesterday but that fell through. They are still understaffed. They are looking into getting him into the Monday groups that go to the YMCA. He is fairly open to this one which is good so hopefully soon.

ADAPT called today and his appointment is now on April 9. It was a cute conversation. No I don't think I need it but my mom is saying I have to. I just drink and I don't want to stop. Yes I have schizophrenia. I'm with PACT. Yes my mom will be with me...

Sadly we can't find his teddy. It's a little white baby rabbit... He has had it since he was a boy. I think it's the baby to a mommy and baby Easter gift to me from the kids (Dad) when they were small. He had it at the shelter and we both thought that he had it here at the new place but I can't find it. I called the shelter this morning to see if they still had it. Long shot I know but I wanted to try. The lady I blogged about before answered the phone. She remember my son and me and asked how he was doing. She even remembered me bringing him the teddy. She went to look for me but it's not there.

Yesterday evening we went and got him 4 new teddies. A multicolored caterpillar, a turtle, an Easter bunny that looked kinda like an old man and a little grumpy cat that he said looks like one of his voices. I also gave him a teddy that I have held on to that says I love mom. One he (Dad) gave me.

Earlier in the week he asked me about the fact that I'm going to be getting $700 from disability instead of $600 that I had told him I would agree to. My first thought when he brought it up was: Now you want to talk about what we agreed to? It's not important to him when he isn't doing what he agreed to ;) I just told him I'm not giving him extra money for alcohol. Today he was asking to go to the store for oil and onion rings... I let him know that I have been starting to keep receipts on his 'extras' because he needs to start understanding money management if he has it in his head he can afford to live on his own with his spending habits. For the past two weeks I (hubby) has spent over $150 on him. Not counting McDonald's, Timmies or the Chinese food he wanted the other night. I told him today the next time he wants to ask about the other $100 he won't be getting... Here are the receipts.

I have to go... Hubby has his doctor appointment today and is on his way home and I have to see my chiropractor.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Going blind...

It's been a quiet week. My son seems to be recovering and his psychotic thoughts and voices are going away. He is still somewhat delusional in thinking but nothing major. Yesterday I teased him because he was making a sandwich and cleaning up after himself. He replied that he was feeling healthier. Yes that happens when you are not in psychosis :)

The other day he told me that he thought he was going blind. My gut told me that he didn't mean physically so I asked him what it was that he couldn't see. He is having trouble seeing his psychotic thoughts or imaginings. I explained that this was because he is not as psychotic anymore and what he was seeing was part of his schizophrenia. I spoke about this with my hubby and explained that I try really hard not to use terms like normal as they don't really apply here and for my son the goal is not to be normal. I know that for him it can feel like a lose to not see these things so the best that I can do is approach it from the viewpoint of not being psychotic rather then being normal.

This morning we had another little chat. I try to nicely point out that certain thoughts or ideas are delusional because no I can't help him obtain a spaceship so that he can travel the universe. I may be able to do a lot of things and figure out stuff however I do not have those types of contacts :).

Not surprisingly we also discussed marijuana. Earlier in the week I was helping him find a power cord and looked in his coat... Found a pot pipe and screens. Told him it was being confiscated. He doesn't feel like this world has anything for him so he wants to hide in marijuana. Yes he acknowledged that. At one point he tried the: Can we try and you can give me so much every day. My response was: I am not Nana. He grinned and dropped that approach moving on to the idea of getting his own place. All I can do is remind him that it's up to him how many hospitalizations he wants to have before he realizes that marijuana is not worth it. It's his journey I'm afraid.

He would like to have a girlfriend. Well he isn't going to meet any girls by not participating in life. His case worker from PACT was here earlier in the week. She asked him if he had voices and of course his answer was no ;) I stepped in and said perhaps asking how many voices or what they are saying would get a more realistic answer. My son replied that yes he has voices, entities which is normal for him.

Starting next week I'm hoping that he will be more involved with PACT's outings. When asked my son hesitated and I stepped in and said that I would answer for him and yes. Wednesday is there next group meeting were they discuss what type of outings the group will do and someone from PACT will come and pick him up. Monday's they go to the YMCA which again I said yes to. He can swim, work out or do whatever he wants during that time. His worker said she would look into getting him a pass. I don't think she has heard back from ADAPT yet.

I haven't had him call disability yet :( I really should get on that.

He has been taking his medications and it's fairly easy to tell that the psychosis and voices are leaving him. His face is much clearer. He is eating good. He is watching TV and playing games. Maybe not for long periods but still he is doing it. I do feel for him here as it has to be hard to be in this in-between stage where he wants to interact with schizophrenia yet it's getting harder to do. He can 'think' psychotic thoughts yet can't 'see' them as easily anymore. One day he spoke to me about one of his entities that he thought was his son. Whether they are real or not the lose of them will still feel like a lose to him.

Another topic we discussed today was love. I asked him what he thought love was? To be soft like a baby. Translation being soft on him or lenient ;) There are a lot of different sides to love. Sometimes love is hard. It can be a lot of things at one time. Because I'm not always soft it doesn't mean that I love any less. Sometimes making the hard choices is love.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Brick by Brick

My new Facebook page has been growing. I feel privileged for the opportunity to share my story with others. A picture/quote that came across my news-feed yesterday:



I'm not saying that anyone is throwing bricks at me however sometimes it feels that way. Yesterday was an emotional day for me. Regrettably I lost it a little bit on several people. I don't regret my feelings, not at all. I do regret acting on them. Having vented some of my frustration, I think today I am in better control and able to blog about it without being to negative... At least I hope so :).

Thursday evening my son called, stoned, stating that he was being getting kicked out of the shelter due to marijuana use. I could hear someone in the back ground talking to my son about him going to another shelter. At this point I wasn't worried about my son having a place to go as it sounded like it was being taken care of. I did call the shelter shortly after and got privacy laws quoted to me. They passed on the message to my son that I had called and he called me back. He let me know that they had agreed to let him stay. I asked him to sign a release so that I could talk to the shelter and he refused.

From my point of view based on limited information, my son was safe and it appeared he was playing at the same game as September 2014. Honestly I still think he is to a certain degree however hopefully it all won't play out the same way.

Please note: Below is a reflection of my thoughts and feelings. It is my blog after all :)

The last time that I had spoken to my son's Nana was on Tuesday and she said she would probably call me back later that day. I had asked her to not agree to my son having the option of going back to British Columbia because when this happens it gives my son the freedom to turn his back on me and the services available to him here. My son isn't looking at long-term anything. He only sees if he is getting what he wants which for him right now is the opportunity and freedom to use marijuana. Whether it's today, tomorrow or 6 months down the road. I know the mindset of an addict and suffering through anything is worth it if you know the opportunity to use again is waiting.

Wednesday night I commented to my hubby that she hadn't called... My hubby told me to call her because he felt that there was something going on behind my back again. I got mad at hubby, telling him to revisit his CBT thinking and that I believed we weren't going to go down that path again. That we were talking this time and that she had given me her word. Sometimes I should listen to my hubby ;).

In between all this I'm trying to get a hold of disability and limit the damage that I am afraid my son will do to himself if he gets what he wants. Since my son wouldn't sign a release and no one at the shelter would call me back I was under the impression that my son was being taken care of and that everything was ok. Well aside from the fact that he was in a shelter...

Yesterday I started to get an uneasy feeling since I had still not received a phone call which at this point I found really odd. I decided to call Nana myself. I can't say that the conversation went very well. Eventually I had to hang up before I completely lost it. This is when I find out that obviously my son had signed a release for the shelter to talk to his Nana. This is when I find out that she had called the shelter about them not kicking him out. Yes I am grateful for that.

Honestly I don't remember all of the conversation as some key phrases caught my attention. As I stood outside smoking, trying to keep my cool and listen... I didn't keep my cool. 'I don't want him out in the snow.' I have heard this before and the result of this thinking got my son the worst break he has ever had. I don't think I can describe the fear for my son's future that overwhelmed me. 'He can't come here now but after he....' Like I said before in my son's way of thinking he has already won the opportunity to get what he wants which is the freedom to use marijuana. A little FYI. My daughter currently lives with Nana. The thought of her being physically put in harms way makes me feel sick to my stomach. 'She won't be living here then...' For me these few words told me all that I needed to know OR was able to retain at the time.

I think what totally pushed me over the edge was being told that I was wrong in believing in 'tough love' and that everyone else was telling her that I was wrong. I couldn't get my mind around it. Who was everyone else? At this point no one knew my side of what had happened. What professionals had been consulted? I find out that the same women from Ready4Life that had previously been involved, is involved again and as far as I can tell played a very incompetent game of telling both Nana and myself that we were doing the right thing and after assuring me that she would not drop the ball... Dropped the ball.

I'm not proud of some of the things that I said. I do regret letting my feelings of hurt, fear and betrayal govern my words. I don't regret my feelings. In my eyes what happened is that my son was once again give the opportunity to turn his back on me and the kind of support that I want to provide because I believe he can be and do better. All I could see was my son being in the same situation in British Columbia that he has been in time and time again. Things may not always be smooth sailing here in Ontario however his schizophrenia and more importantly his addiction has not been given free reign to wreck havoc on his brain.

I'm still having a hard time getting my mind around this. Just like the last time I am but a phone call away. Physically I am 20 minutes away from my son. If anything about my actions are in question. Pick up the phone and call me! If my son is literally at risk of being out on the streets. Pick up the phone and call me! I thought that there had been an agreement after the last fiasco that we would pick up the phone... "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me."

I was so pissed off by the time I got of the phone. I was shaking and struggled to not cry. I came inside and I thought this is enough. The shelter needed to be set straight and any misconceptions that I was feeling they may have needed to be addressed. I called them and said: This is 'blank's' mom and I know that you can't talk to me but I KNOW that you can listen and I need to talk to someone about my son. I was put through to someone.

I am so thankful that I had enough sense to not let this go and to in a sense push myself onto the shelter. I am also thankful that the lady I spoke to was understanding of my yelling at her. Yes I yelled at her a lot. I couldn't understand how it was that I had called and left a message on Tuesday stating my son's diagnoses and for them to call me with no return phone call. Or that his Nana was able to be involved from another province yet I was being excluded. Granted it is partly due to my son's wonderful resistance to signing a release giving me access.

One of the first things I was told was that the police dropped of my son stating that I had kicked him out. I was again shocked. Yes I yelled at her: I did not kick out my son. He did this all on his own because he doesn't want to pay me room and board and wants to get high. And he got what he wanted as he did get high. Through a fair amount of yelling and even some tears I managed to, I hope, give them a bigger picture of what is going on. I think a apologized several times for yelling. She was very nice about it saying she could hear me crying...

I guess the reason they had not called me is because they had been told that I had kicked out my son. I guess it looked like I was turning my back on my son and not being supportive. I made it very clear that I have been here and that every decision that I have made has been based on the advise of professionals. Yes my son's grandmother loves my son. I have never denied that however when that love keeps my from learning to manage his own illness and addiction or accept responsibility for his actions then yes I have an issue.

My son needs support. I am in complete agreement. They were not aware that my son was a part of The PACT Team and that through this team he has access to a psychiatrist, nurse, case worker and peer support. Yes they are understaffed at the moment which complicates things however my son has refused to participate actively in his own treatment. Why should he? Every time things get tough he gets to run away instead of learning to help himself.

My son needs anger management and treatment. Again I'm in complete agreement. I have known for 2 years now that my son needs anger management. I can only work with the services that I am aware of and PACT does not offer anger management. He needs drug rehab and treatment. I have looked into those too. My son refuses. So unless he is in a situation like he is currently in, my hands get tied as to what I can do. Unless I get power of attorney I can't force my son to take these steps. Instead I get to try my best to but things back to together, to have them torn apart again and again.

Because of my phone call and resulting 'temper tantrum' the lady had my son sign releases for me and the PACT team! *big sigh of relief* I am no longer on the outside of this situation. *fingers crossed* he may even get transferred into a treatment facility where he should have gone years ago. There was also talk of other services that I was unaware of. Like I said I'm so glad I made that call. In the beginning I could hear/feel the walls that were up regarding me. I do believe I tore them down. At least I really hope so because my goal here is NOT to increase my son's suffering but to increase his chances of having a future.

I texted him last night letting him know that I love him. He replied that he loved me to. Brick by brick I will rebuild...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

After Cold

Friday as I was sitting there with my winter boots on and a sweater shivering, headache, sore throat, chills, fever and legs aching so much they really hurt... I realized that I had been hit with that proverbial mac truck called a cold. Ontario Canada has been getting hit bad right now and apparently my lack of interaction with the outside world didn't save me from it!

Yesterday while out with hubby and being on Tylenol Cold medicine for two days I can't say that I was feeling that much better. We had to take the 'new' car for emission testing and I was driving. I have barely driven in years so my confidence is non-existent in that department right now. Something I need to work on. Get to drive again today and take it back as the emission test didn't pass or fail... Something about the computer needing time and mileage to reset. So hubby wanted to take it on the highway. I kinda flipped a bit, which I usually do when going on the highway is mentioned. Not exactly a rational reaction however I told him he might as well be telling me that he wanted me to jump off the CN Tower. Anyways I think we straightened it out that he is not to put me on the spot like that about driving. I just wasn't up for it with how my body was feeling between the cold and the medicine. Somewhat surreal?

My son did eventually come out of his room. Walked down the hall, stood there looking at me for a couple of seconds then did some sort of funky chicken movement, laid down on the floor and said: I think I just had a seizure. He didn't fall to the floor. He put himself there. Not sure what he was trying to accomplish with that as I'm pretty sure what I saw happen was no seizure.

I did disconnect the internet for how he talked to me. He asked me for how long? I figured since we were on the topic I delved into how/why I became a disgrace. Was it voices or what? Well he was thinking that the voices were a disgrace. Ok but how does that make me one? Could he not distinguish between me and the voices? Apparently not. I told him that I didn't find that reassuring as in my eyes that could make him just a step away from where he was when he hit his Nana if he can't tell what is reality. Every time I bring up what happened with his Nana or him threatening his sister he has a different reason for why it happened. It was the voices, it was torture, he was dying... Personally I'm not sure that he confused me with the voices. I think he perhaps said what the voices were telling him. Really neither one of those scenarios is reassuring.

He has been much calmer since that happened. I checked to see what dosage his Invega is and it is 6 mg. Hopefully it is working. My son is likely in 'make up' mode because he wants some things. He wants the internet back, most likely for his porn since he isn't doing anything else on the laptop. He wants different cigarettes since the ones he is now smoking don't 'hit his throat'. He also asked if I was going to buy him more tobacco for his pipe.

Once my son asked if my cold medicine would help with his after cold that he thinks he has even though he didn't have a cold. I guess part of him is recognizing that he is sick? I just said: No Hun, what is wrong is not a cold or flu. He said that it could be because he is off his Lithium. Yes it could be...

I am in a couple of groups and it's something that a lot of us struggle with, trying to find that balance between love, boundaries, self-doubt and guilt. I know over the weekend I felt guilty for not taking my son with hubby and I when we went to do some car stuff. Hubby nicely told my son when he asked to come that the answer was no because he didn't like how he had talked to his mom. I think we did the right thing however that doesn't stop me from feeling guilty about it. We did take him grocery shopping with us later that day and my son did bring in the groceries. The comparison that always goes through my head is that when our children where toddlers we didn't allow them to do certain things like stick their fingers in electrical outlets. We couldn't explain to them what electricity was or even expect to have a rational discussion about it however we still expected them to learn not to do it. There was also consequences to doing things they weren't supposed to do.

Now he is 20... There are still rules and he still has to learn what is appropriate and what isn't and what behaviors will not be tolerated or rewarded.

We had a bit of a discussion about his living options. I again told him that I think he needs to be in a group home and I don't think that I will allow him to move back to BC. I speak pretty frankly with my son and I let him know that he needs the difference environment so that he can't use peoples feelings against them and manipulate people. Sometimes he comes out with some obvious truths when we are having these discussions. I think it was when hubby asked him why he would want to go back to BC after everything we have all been through? Because he wants complete leniency and no rules. His words :).

He doesn't want to be alone... Yes that does pull at my heartstrings. At the same time though, one day I will not be here and that is when he will be alone. And that is when I will have truly failed him because I did not do my best to push him or believe in him that he is capable of leading a life that is so much more then what it is now. I have seen it so I know it is possible. I told him that with any parent child relationship that eventually the child moves out on their own but that doesn't mean the parent stops loving the child. I will always be his mom and I'm doing this because I love him. Because I choice to believe that he is more then schizophrenia and addiction. That he is capable of having a girl friend, a job, his own place and things that he has gained for himself that he can be proud of.

He spoke to me about a hole that he has in his stomach. I told him that I think this is negative symptoms of schizophrenia or addiction/withdrawal. How do we fix this? By being on the right medications so that he can get stable and then start filling his life with meaningful things. Not euphoric happiness like getting high as that is not real. The more things you have in your life that have meaning, the smaller the hole...

At one point he did ask he if needs to be on more anti-psychotics. I don't know and only time will tell. He did take an Olanzapine last night as well as his Invega when he went to bed around 10:30 and he slept until after 12 today.

Time for me to go and get ready to go take the car down... He just asked for the internet back and wants me to consider what happened as him being an idiot and having a temper tantrum that he only swore at me once. He may be right there that I only got swore at directly once and that is the consequences. One day for each offence...

Mom
BarbieBF

The Worry Jar

I saw reference to this on one of the groups that I'm in. It was for children but I thought why can't I have one too? So I got a jar, wrote down most of my worries and put them in the jar...

That I won't get out of dept
That I won't be able to help my son and keep him stable and safe
That my son will hate me for what I need to do

You get the point... I tend to worry and over think things so even if only for a moment it was a relief to put those worries in a jar... In a safe place... Until I'm ready to pull them out. Kind of like housework :) It's not going anywhere and will wait for me.

The Worry Jar Technique: Help Your Child Overcome Worries and Anxiety

The Worry Solution

I was talking to my best friend and another call came through... It was my son. I ended up having a good cry once I got off the phone. Still am a little bit ;) I can't say that I have heard him sound quit so lost and hopeless. The Invega is working so he is much more coherent but he is still somewhat delusional. He wants me and him to move to another country... The first thing he asked me is if I was coming to get him. For the first time in a long time, probably since the Adderall... he seemed to genuinely believe that I love him! I think that is what broke me, when he said that he knew that I loved him. No ego, no defiance..

I told him that I want to get power of attorney so that this doesn't happen again. He asked about getting or being his own attorney and I told him that up until now he has been his own attorney and look at where it has gotten him. In the hospital again and that even if he doesn't realize it he is lucky that he isn't in jail. I think he is having a hard time understanding what happened. I am not a scientist however I think after psychosis the brain tries to piece together what happened in a reasonably logical way and the pieces just don't fit so confabulations are created.

I did my best to explain to him what me having power of attorney means. That if he decides to go off of medications that I think that he needs then I get to make that decision. I asked him if he is willing to have me help him get his life back on track, back to where we were before the Adderall, to be his attorney or decision maker and he said yes. It was heartbreaking to have my son tell me that he is only looking forward to being here with me and doing nothing because no one well ever want him. As I have always tried to do. I told him that he is so much more then that. That he is an awesome human being and that I will do my best to give him the live that he deserves. That I will not let schizophrenia do this to him without a fight. I love him too much. So no he can not come here and do nothing... My rules have not changed. That I will push him to be the person that I know that he is capable of being.

I asked him if he still had voices, not to lie to me because I know that he did. He says the entities are gone now and that he is alone, that it is just him. Apparently they were driving him nuts (I smiled too!), constantly nagging him. I told him these entities are a part of schizophrenia and that the Invega will help keep them away. Him wanting them gone is a good thing.

I asked him to be a little patient and to give me some time to try to get everything sorted out. I'm still waiting to hear back from disability and the lawyer. Hopefully Monday will have my phone ringing with the answers that I need.

Mom
BarbieBF