Third time's a charm?

As you know I quit smoking when I started using the nicotine patch a month ago. This is the third time I'm quitting smoking with the patch. I did succeed the other two times and was quit for 6 and 8 months each time. Quitting doesn't seem to be my issue. Now staying quit on the other hand ;).

This time... Just wow this hasn't been fun. The patches come in stages depending on how much you smoke. I already knew from past experience that starting with step 1 (21 mg patch) was too much nicotine for me. I also know to take the patch off before bed regardless of what the instructions say. I have always wondered what they are thinking. No one smokes in their sleep (unless you sleep walk) so why have nicotine coursing through your system when trying to quit and while sleeping. I wonder how many people don't even complete the program due to how bad the bad dreams are...

I start with step 2 (14 mg patch) and generally do each step a little longer since I cut out the first step. Step 2 is for less then 10 cigarettes a day. Nothing seems to take into consideration whether the person smokes lights, ultra-lights or in my case super-slims. Really skinny cigarettes.

By the end of last week even I was starting to get concerned. I came pretty close to heading to the hospital's emergency department over the weekend. Hubby came pretty close to taking me. There have been changes to several different things so I wasn't sure what was causing what or if it was all just bad timing of everything together.

I didn't get my Venlafaxine prescription renewed. Yes I know, not very smart of me. I did try however my doctor needs to see me first since I upped it from 37.5 to 75 mg. I'm still not sure if I want to get it renewed or not. I only wanted them for some short-term help until I was able to get started in counselling and hopefully get myself re-centered again. Sadly it seems that I may not be able to make it through a weekend without them though.

I got my menstrual cycle 2 weeks early. Yup fun! I'm already struggling to get enough iron so that I'm not anemic. Throw an extra period in there and I was expecting to feel light-headed. Also I had stopped taking one of my tinctures that I use to keep my menopausal symptoms in check and my cycles regular.

I haven't had a cigarette since June 20.

I think I was handling things not bad. Still by Friday I was getting concerned. I was so light-headed and nauseous. After years of cycle issues I'm used to being light-headed during my menstrual cycles. This however was over the top. Just sitting while I was working was hard as I was constantly on the verge of fainting. I wanted to vomit. I was cold sweats. I had started getting cold sweats at night too which I figured was the beginning of hot flashes again...

Thinking what I was experiencing was mostly cycle related and/or iron, then I doubled up on my iron supplement. Needless to say that didn't help since it wasn't the issue. Then there is the side affects of taking too much iron ;). I think that is evening itself out today though.

Holy cravings... Not for cigarettes. Salt and sugar. Banana splits, waffles, ice cream, whipped cream, syrup, potato chips and oh my gosh thirsty. I was experiencing an over-dose of nicotine. As a smoker and recovered addict I know what it feels like to smoke too much. This was... I don't ever want to experience that again.

This will be the 3rd day of no patch. Yesterday morning I put one on for about 45 minutes. The day before I had one on for maybe a couple of hours. I had to take them off. Within 20 minutes of putting them on I was dizzy, nauseous and my heart rate was going through the roof. It felt like I was running while sitting still. It was like I was on a serious high without the good parts. Breathing was a chore at times.

On a side note. Perhaps the experience can give me a little more insight into what my son can sometimes experience.

That's when I started putting it together. When I realized that I haven't physically craved a cigarette for a while now. I had gone days without wanting a Lozenge. There was so much nicotine in my system that even the habit itself wasn't making itself known.

I spoke to the pharmacist and he said it was a good thing that I was ready for step 3 (7 mg patch) so quickly. At least that was reassuring, I guess. Feeling like I needed to be in the ER wasn't.

Today I can feel it. I want a cigarette. I'm afraid to put on a patch though. I will see how I react to a lozenge first. I'm still light-headed. No where near where I was though. Thank goodness. I wake up feeling ok since I have gone all night with no nicotine and my system can start flushing it out. Caffeine... I'm noticing that drinking coffee is not helping as it's another stimulant that is triggering the nicotine affect.

All the physical stuff... It was the emotional or should I say IS the emotional that I'm struggling to get under control. Since I have never come off of antidepressants before and certainly not with all this other crap going on, I have no experience to compare it to. Yesterday I was to the point of, I don't know what. Hubby was 'helping' me with cleaning the floors. The way that ADHD, over-worried hubbies can help. By making everything worse :). I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle his ADHD thinking. I couldn't handle his attitude or inability to cope with me not being able to handle him. I hit him with a pillow. Trust me I wanted to do more... I wanted/needed him to stop. Just stop.

I'm a hormonal mess it seems. I have been on the verge of tears since yesterday morning. Now I think this is due to coming off the Venlafaxine. Not only do I want to cry at the sappy parts in movies, I want to cry at the thought of the sappy parts that I know are coming. Haha! Parts that I don't normally find sappy...

I'm back on my tinctures for menopause. I think my bleeding is finally stopping. Sorry guys... But honestly. Why can't our bodies just make a decision. Off or on. I don't even care which but 'spotting' is a complete joke.

Before I forget. A shout-out to my followers who have shown me support. I can't say how much I appreciate it. I don't have high expectations when it comes to family or anyone's ability to care... I will just leave that there. I blog and share because it helps me and hopefully helps others to not feel alone. So when I end up not feeling alone because of my followers responses and support. Yup, I'm a hormonal mess! Thank you and I see you! (We watched Avatar last night)



I missed my son's call yesterday. Because of work I sometimes put my phone on vibrate. I have a new work number now but the people I have previously contacted have my personal number. So I didn't know that he had called until last night.

I did see him on Friday. Hubby and I dropped him off a carton of smokes that he was supposed to call me and learn how to transfer me the money for them. Yes I know... I really wasn't expecting that to happen. I butted heads with privacy laws again. We can't tell you if he is here... We can't help you because we love to quote privacy laws instead of using common sense... Honestly I found myself insisting that there is a release that can be signed and that I'm pretty sure privacy laws haven't changed in the past 6 months. I had to insist because for whatever reason they didn't want to be bothered to reach over and grab a piece of paper that apparently didn't exist until I insisted. Then magically it appeared and my son was able to sign a release that let them acknowledge that he existed there when I called or showed up to drop off things he requested.

Sorry... It's just such a bullshit system and it doesn't help anyone. They certainly weren't helping my son. So who were they helping? Good question!

My son had called wanting smokes and some other items. Honestly I think he just wanted to come home and see if the alcohol was still here. He wanted some cloths. I checked his room and he took the cloths that he likes to wear. He already had tons of socks and underwear. His favorite shirts. Shorts and several pairs of pants. I did take him his favorite hoodie and some other things like chargers and his ipod etc.

Since the shelter pulled their privacy crap we couldn't even wait on the shelter's property to see if my son was going to come out for a smoke. They wouldn't take the items we brought. So we sat in the car for like 45 minutes, on the street. Then we drove to the closest mini-mart since I knew my son was buying cigarettes. I guess he saw us at some point so just as I figured was going to happen. He called me as we were getting back on the highway heading home. We turned around... I went inside with him to make sure the release was signed.

I asked him if he was taking his pills and he said yes. I asked him what he was doing. Just sitting outside smoking. So I clarified that I meant in the future. What are his plans. Well he doesn't want to have a place on his own out here in Ontario. He doesn't want to have a place on his own anywhere. The difference is that here with me being an addict/alcoholic isn't easy. In British Columbia it will be easy as who is going to try and stop him from throwing his life away? He knows that talk about him getting his own place out there is just that, talk. He has no intentions of doing it. He can't see past his addiction right now. And I seem to be the only one who thinks he is capable of doing that.

According to him he plans on buying a ticket with his disability payment. $98 isn't going to buy him a plane ticket. I'm certainly not helping him throw his life away. I told him again that he needs to go into rehab. He needs to be in a long-term treatment facility to help him. At least here that option is a distinct possibility and could happen rather quickly if he would take that step.

It's all second guessing on my part since I haven't heard from anyone on what their plans or intentions are.

I won't say how I know however I do know that he went to the liquor store on Friday for a bottle. I'm guessing he hasn't gotten caught or drank it all to make sure he didn't get caught. Alcohol... harmless right? Let him have it, right? *shakes head*

For now it's one day a time.

I do plan on making a doctor's appointment for myself and getting some blood work done. I want to make sure that the weight I have lost isn't as bad as everyone else seems to think it is. They may be right. I noticed on the weekend that I felt my ribs. I don't think I have been this thin since I was addicted so I should follow up and make sure it's nothing serious. I have been trying hard I guess to not acknowledge that there could be something wrong. The thought of me not being capable of taking care of things... It's a scary thought.

I'm off to play my Facebook games before work. I hope everyone had a good weekend and *finger's crossed* and a good week.

Mom
BarbieBF

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Things went South... or North?

I swear this disease or disorder, whatever you want to call it, has a way of flipping things so that you don't know if up is down or left is right or North is South. Confusing right? Sorry I'm being my usual whimsical self.

After my blog post yesterday I happily went in and turned on the shower, thinking I can do this. Boy was I wrong. I ended up interrupting my son's 'private time' if you get my meaning and made him mad. So even though I backed off and walked away it was already too late. His anger took over and in the length of time it took me to walk down the hall, he started punching the wall and I could hear the rage taking over, he was just getting warmed up. Without even thinking I instinctively picked up the phone and called 911. I can't say I'm particularly proud of myself for doing this but I have been here before with my son and it quickly escalates into him threatening me with physical harm. Because I'm mom he thinks that it is ok. The last time my husband was home. This time I was alone and afraid of my son. Not a nice feeling. The 911 operator stayed on the phone with my son until officers arrived which is a good thing because he was telling her how angry he was and that he didn't think he could control it. She got to listen to a tirade of accusations against me. That I was stealing his disability check, controlling my husband to the point that he is afraid to stand up to me and should leave me, that I'm always yelling and that I punch things too... You would have to know me but I have never punched anything, period. I hate violence. He also accused me of discrimination because I told 911 that he has schizophrenia. It was so they would send mental health workers.

They arrived. Not that they were much help. I swear they should really have to learn the systems that they talk about before they talk about them. One of my son's biggest concerns through all this was his money that I was stealing. No matter how many times I explain it to him or even show him his disability stubs he just can't get his mind around it. No one else seems to get it either. So here is his stub for August.

He doesn't pay rent. He is board and lodging which means I cover all of his living expenses. The stub clearly shows that the check dated Aug 29 is for the period Aug 1-31 NOT for September. I have no idea why disability pays board and lodgings this way but they do. As for how much is supposed to come to me for board and lodgings. This is directly from the disability website: http://www.communitylivingontario.ca/

In situations where the individual’s shelter needs and basic needs are met by the same person or persons (for example, where they live with family members or someone else who provides both room and board) the ODSP income support is currently set at a combined amount of $706 per month for a single person.

Personal Needs Allowance (sometimes referred to as a “comfort allowance”) of $119 per month.

I'm not stealing his money because it's not his money. Somehow he gets $126 instead of $119. Perhaps a travel allowance for medical purposes.

I ended up having to give my son back his disability check even though he had already signed it and given it to me and I had already emailed him a transfer of $132. I must say the police officer was extremely helpful in agreeing with my son that that his check was for September (even though I showed him the stub!) and that if he hadn't accepted the email transfer then technically I hadn't given him his money. He was also very helpful in pointing out that even though my son's check was dated for the next day that he could deposit it in a bank machine. Then stated that he didn't want to get in the middle of it... Sorry to late, thanx for the help! So off my son goes with an $832 check! A check according to him last night I have! To bad for me I guess that I was going to put this towards rent...

Of course he downplayed not eating and sleeping. Said that he had taken his medications when he hadn't. He really does have a gift. Maybe he should be in sales? :) They left stating there was nothing that they could do. My son was happy of course because he had gotten what he wanted. His check and support from the officers that I was in the wrong. Part of me really wants to send a letter to the Police letting them know they really should have a clue before they say things that feed into someone's delusions. He came back from his walk that the officer's advised him to do to cool off, quit relaxed. Went to his room, all laid back, smoking, without a care in the world.

I waited until my husband got home from work then started calling shelters. Some numbers that PACT had given me to call. Guess what? Some of them won't tell me if they even have a bed available because it has to be son making the call. The one's that would tell me had no beds. Call back at 9:30 when we do our bed checks. So as usual I found my own resources. Found a shelter that of course wouldn't disclose to me if they have a bed so I put my son on the phone. It's one I had looked up before and deals with youth ages 16-21. They provide meals, school, employment and addiction counselling. Have a public health nurse and support staff. My son got off the phone and said he needed a ride. Waiting for him to get ready was fun as he took forever. At one point I went in to see what he was doing. Looking through his lighters and knickknacks deciding which ones to take. Finally he was ready then asked for his pocket knife back. I don't think I had it in me to argue this with him so went and got the case I had put all of his knives in, gave it to him and asked him to keep them all in there for now. Off we went to the shelter, with the windows rolled down! Found the place and dropped him off. Watched him go in. I managed to breathe through it but man was it hard.

Hubby and I went to get something to eat. I missed a call from the shelter so called them back. It was my son wanting me to come pick up his knives as he can't have them there. I had thought about telling him that this might be a problem when he asked for them but it's not like he would have believed me anyways. He needs to learn for himself that the world has expectations, rules and boundaries. So we drove the 20 minutes back to the shelter to find my son sitting outside waiting. He wanted me to take him to a thrift store so that he could sell his knives! He thinks he can get $300 for knives that all together cost less then $150. I said no, told him to give me the knives and I would put them away where they would be safe, that I didn't drive all the way back there for this. He handed them over and we left, again. I'm still not sure how I managed to not fall apart through all this but I did.

Once we got home I waited as long as I could then called the shelter to see if they would tell me if he was even there or not. Privacy laws you know. Picturing him wondering around a city he didn't know was killing me. I'm still surprised at this but they were going to call me because my son had actually signed a release giving them permission to talk to me! I think I'm still picking my jaw up off the floor! At first he was resistant but then he ate, calmed down and agreed. He ate! I don't even know if I can explain the relief that this phone call gave me. We went over his medications that he had taken with him. Of course he didn't take his Invega. At first there was some concern as his Trazodone bottle was empty and I knew that there should be about 21 of them. I found them dumped out on his dresser. I have no idea what he was thinking when he did this. He told them that he has anxiety, ADHD, OCD and schizophrenia so as is normal for my son, I gave them a heads up that he has a tendency to seek benzos for his anxiety. I was assured that they keep all medications locked up and controlled. So I filled them in on what has been happening for the past couple of weeks. They could tell that something was up but how delayed he was in talking to them. Since he is in a shelter for the first time there are services available to him that they will help him with. I gave them all of his treatment teams information and numbers. I let them know that he has his disability check on him. This is when I found out that according to him I have it. So I explained what happened.

So as hard as all this is I think that South may be North or down may be up. Meaning that he may be able to get the help that he needs where he is now. That what seems like a bad situation may in fact be the best thing for him. He can't blame mom for being controlling when where he is will put even more restrictions on him then I did. They won't let him stay up all night and sleep all day. He won't have control over his medications like he did here. There will be no punching walls just because someone made him mad and he certainly won't have as much privacy there as he did here. Him masturbating won't be a priority for them and it shouldn't be. He will have to learn some self-control. And if things start to go South again then they can get him the help that he needs as they are a part of the system instead of me fighting the system.

My son really does amaze me at times. I tried to check his computer this morning as he tends to write out his thoughts and beliefs in documents on his computer. Yes I want to know what's going on his head. He made sure before he left to disconnect everything from the laptop and log himself out. Of course I don't know the password ;) He is obviously thinking good enough to do this and far from psychotic enough to not do it.

So even though my heart is broken, shredded really, I do believe that I am making the right decision. It certainly helps that so far I have received nothing but support from his treatment team and assurances that as hard as it is I'm making the right decisions. This reality check has been a long time overdue.

Mom
BarbieBF