Glass Houses, Time For A Second Opinion

Hello readers! I have missed you...

Life, as it does, has kept going.

My son is currently in a shelter. He did come home for a little while.

I did manage to arrange a family meeting while he was inpatient. A lot of good that did. I shouldn't say that. His case manager requested that they do a assessment of my son to see what type of life skills he has for living on his own. No surprise there. He doesn't have any. He never has. He can't take care of himself when he is living in an environment when most of his basic needs are being taken care of. His level of self-care is non-existent at this point.

Since there was no where for him to go when it came time for him to be released from the hospital, I brought him home. He certainly wasn't stable, just not in crisis anymore.

It took less the 24 hours for things to start to fall apart. 5 days later he was in a shelter. During that short time it was attitude about everything. Smoking in his room. Sleeping outside on the front steps. Leaving a trail of mess wherever he went including spit and vomit. Swearing at me... It all came to a head when my husband asked him to clean up his mess on the front steps as there was cigarette butts everywhere, garbage and glass dishes that we were worried a kid could get hurt since they play around my front steps. That wasn't taken very well by my son. The end result... Michael throwing my coffee maker on the floor, smashing it and screaming in my face to F-off. The next day I had his nurse take him to the shelter.

For the most part it's been the same as any other shelter stay. Calling me for money and cigarettes. He did receive a payment from disability for almost $600 while in there. That was gone in no time. He told me that he got robbed. I don't believe it. I know what he was like the last time he got robbed. How upset and animated he was about it. This time... Nothing but calm. We did end up buying him 2 cartoons of cigarettes that was gone is just over a week. According to my son they kept disappearing, that someone must be taking them out of his backpack. You would have to see my son with his backpack. It doesn't leave his side. Of course not... I would bet my life on it there is marijuana in it. Actually I don't need to do that as he admitted to me last night that he has some.

There was arrangements being made for him to go into a group home. They were redoing the room so it was taking a little longer for them to paint etc. His nurse went and cleaned him up pretty good for the meeting. I was impressed when I saw him. Sadly he lost his spot. I guess he was acting pretty inappropriate while at this meeting. My son didn't want to go there since he knew arrangements were being made for him to possibly go with his grandmother. He made that pretty clear during the meeting that he didn't want to be there.

The shelter gives first priority to PACT clients. My son was a shoe-in. Normally one has to wait a long time to get into a group home but circumstances arose at just the right time. I remember thinking: Finally. We can start getting him on the right track to growing up and being responsible. I was wrong. Another PACT client got it.

Last week I found out that a plane ticket was in the works.

The conversations regarding this between my husband and I has been... He sounds like I did a year ago. Can't you do this? What if you do that? He can't go there... Did you tell so and so about this? Yes I've done it all. Which is most likely why there was zero assistance coming from anyone on this end to help it happen. No one would even take him to the airport however just like before, no one could stop it. Legally an adult and I don't have power of attorney.

This Monday was a tough day for me. After a weekend of trying to resolve myself to the idea of yet again letting go and letting my son mess up his life even further, I ended up going to the store and buying cigarettes. 3 months... I stood there thinking I can fall apart right now which I'm not inclined to do or smoke. I was also butting heads with my boss and ready to quit for a moment ;).

For the past 24 hours or so I have been struggling with feelings of hurt. I know that I can sometimes sound pretty harsh about my son's grandmother. I'm certainly not in agreement with what she tries to do. Still I have always understood that she thinks she is doing what is best and that her actions are out of love for my son. We just don't agree on what love is ;).

I know that I try to come off like I don't care what other people think of me. Of course I do to a certain extent. I don't change what I'm doing because of it because I truly believe in what I'm doing and why.

I found out how my son was going to get to the airport. His great-uncle. I haven't spoken to this person since I was with my kids Dad. However when we were together we used to hang out with him a lot... I called him and left him a message to please call me before putting my son on a plane. I have been informed that he won't talk to me except to... well anyways. All he knows about me now is what he has been told by my son's grandmother. I can only imagine the horrible person that he thinks that I am. How I'm turning my back on my son, putting him out on the streets and certainly not showing him any love... Yes the thought of someone thinking about me like that, hurts. Surprisingly it hurts a lot. Not much I can do except remind myself that however he sees me is behind the glass of his own glass house.

Yesterday morning I was informed that he wasn't going there. His grandmother had changed her mind.

Now what? I don't know. Again time has been lost where his treatment team could have been looking for housing for him. I saw my son last night. Would I consider taking him back? Yes if there is power of attorney. My son says that power of attorney is against his religion.

This brings me to the second opinion. I want a second opinion on his diagnoses. I know that I have questioned if he has schizophrenia and then I end up falling back on that diagnoses. Still there has always been something that says that there is a lot more going on. When he gets sick he presents as schizophrenic. I had asked his nurse to bring it up to his treatment team to have him re-evaluated. His nurse got turned down. Due to my son's history of diagnoses and referrals etc the schizophrenia diagnoses is staying. That means that one doctor reads another doctors notes, sees my son while he is again presenting with apparent psychosis and nods his head in agreement. Yes, schizophrenia. Let's not question the status-quo.

Here's a what if? What if in 2011 the doctor's in British Colombia knew the extent of my son's marijuana use. The marijuana use that was hidden from them and covered up. The marijuana use that was causing his medications to not work and therefore giving him the diagnoses note of: Medication resistant. The marijuana use that got him the sub-type diagnoses of paranoid schizophrenia. It's always been the marijuana that causes him to be paranoid. When he isn't using the paranoia is gone, the belief in chi, telekinesis and whatever else he used to do before coming to live with me, is also gone. Without marijuana where is his paranoid schizophrenia? Good question.

Since he has been in the shelter I'm pretty sure he is back to daily use again. He is way to mellow. Not a care in the world. He is presenting as someone in psychosis... Takes a long time to answer a question or respond when asked to do something. I was told that the shelter staff have been having to direct him or tell him to not being doing certain things like lying on the floors etc. It's because he is stoned.

I really wish a professional would take the time to help me understand what I'm seeing and put it all into perspective because it's not adding up. As far as I know the defining characteristic of having a psychotic break is losing touch with reality. My son doesn't lose touch with reality. This has always been something that keeps standing out for me. Over the years conversations about his breaks has come up. He remembers all of his breaks, if that is what they are. He remembers his first one where he was catatonic. He heard everyone talking to him and felt them touching him. He was just lost in his own head from the all of the marijuana that he had smoked. The first break I went through with him where he believed he was a vampire, in a gang and chewed on my fingernails. He remembers doing that. When he punched out his grandmother. He remembers all of that. He didn't break with reality. In each of these instances he had been smoking marijuana and having recently stopped taking prescribed amounts of medications or stopped completely. Even if one doesn't have psychosis and stops medications like that then the rebound affect can be psychosis. And yet even with all that my son doesn't break with reality. So many times I will think that he is lost in there. Until you say or do something and realize he is very much aware.

I'm not sure what my son's mental illnesses are... I have some thoughts and ideas and they fit better then schizophrenia. Sadly schizophrenia would probably be the better choice. Since the beginning I have questioned if what I'm seeing is sociopath. That is also in his genes. I questioned narcissism. A lot of the characteristics of his personality that can't be explained or attributed to schizophrenia or even ADHD and ODD can be seen and makes sense if one has narcissistic personality disorder. Could what he is going through be the beginning stages of either one of these? My son is still young. His personality is still developing. I have watched him become more and more adapt at manipulation. I have watched his mood swings and play of emotions when he isn't getting what he wants. Narcissistic are not without emotion. In fact they have lots of them and can be very loving I'm sure when it suites their own purposes. What happens when they aren't getting what they want or what they feel they deserve?

My son just called me. He wants me to come see him today. I was surprised at that request since he knows that I'm not going to give him any money and I dropped of smokes last night. Sometimes he breaks my heart into little pieces. I was watching some teenagers on skateboards last night. My son has missed out on all that. Regardless of what my childhood and life has been, I had playing in the rain, fighting with my best friends, sleep-overs, embarrassing classroom moments, first loves, first break-ups and learning about sex all the wrong ways...

I can't give him his lost childhood. I wish that I could give him his adulthood.

The very same people who are treating me like I'm nothing are the very same people who are leaving me to pick up the pieces time and time again with no support. I find it somewhat ironic. Strike that. I find it very ironic. If I'm such a horrible mother/person who doesn't know how to love or help my son, why am I the one being left to deal with the consequences of other peoples choices yet again?

Time to get some things out of the way before I start work.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Not in a good mood.

I just got off the phone with Michael and his answer for not wanting to talk to me is that he is not in a good mood right now. No I guess not. He has not been in a good mood for awhile. The roller coaster ride of feeding your addiction then going through withdrawal is enough to put one in a bad mood. He may not be able to see that right now but for those of us on the outside looking in, shouldn't that be enough of a reason to push for addiction treatment instead of thinking that using in any amount is ok?

I called the shelter this morning to find out how he was doing. I have spoken about the lady from the shelter before that talks to me openly about my son. She seems to understand where I'm coming from and genuinely wants to help my son. She told me that she told PACT that his mother is tired, needs a break and she sees how I'm there for him and that I love him. I keep thinking I need to get her a box of chocolates or something.

He did have a shower and get cleaned up! She said I would have been proud to see him. The shelter didn't make this happen however she did push PACT to be pro-active and get more involved that my son needed them. If they didn't help the shelter would have to find somewhere else for him to go as he couldn't stay there like he was. So his nurse stepped in and helped him get cleaned up and do his laundry.

This is what needs to happen. This is why I try to step out of the picture if I can. So that my son can start to learn to lean on, trust and interact with his treatment team. As well-meaning as even my own intentions are, my love or want to help, can interfere with my son seeking the right kind of support.

When I got my son's cigarettes, we kept one carton in the car so that he wouldn't go through them too quickly. He wants the other carton now so I will get hubby to drop them off on the way home tonight and he also wants a coffee ;). Michael asked if we could take him out for dinner or something. Tomorrow is my day off and hopefully if hubby isn't working then maybe I will see about putting a picnic together and spending some time at a park. I know my son likes that as does hubby.

I think he is back taking at least some of his medications. He said he forgot last night so I told him to go ask for them once he got off the phone.

I will leave it at that for today...

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Third time's a charm?

As you know I quit smoking when I started using the nicotine patch a month ago. This is the third time I'm quitting smoking with the patch. I did succeed the other two times and was quit for 6 and 8 months each time. Quitting doesn't seem to be my issue. Now staying quit on the other hand ;).

This time... Just wow this hasn't been fun. The patches come in stages depending on how much you smoke. I already knew from past experience that starting with step 1 (21 mg patch) was too much nicotine for me. I also know to take the patch off before bed regardless of what the instructions say. I have always wondered what they are thinking. No one smokes in their sleep (unless you sleep walk) so why have nicotine coursing through your system when trying to quit and while sleeping. I wonder how many people don't even complete the program due to how bad the bad dreams are...

I start with step 2 (14 mg patch) and generally do each step a little longer since I cut out the first step. Step 2 is for less then 10 cigarettes a day. Nothing seems to take into consideration whether the person smokes lights, ultra-lights or in my case super-slims. Really skinny cigarettes.

By the end of last week even I was starting to get concerned. I came pretty close to heading to the hospital's emergency department over the weekend. Hubby came pretty close to taking me. There have been changes to several different things so I wasn't sure what was causing what or if it was all just bad timing of everything together.

I didn't get my Venlafaxine prescription renewed. Yes I know, not very smart of me. I did try however my doctor needs to see me first since I upped it from 37.5 to 75 mg. I'm still not sure if I want to get it renewed or not. I only wanted them for some short-term help until I was able to get started in counselling and hopefully get myself re-centered again. Sadly it seems that I may not be able to make it through a weekend without them though.

I got my menstrual cycle 2 weeks early. Yup fun! I'm already struggling to get enough iron so that I'm not anemic. Throw an extra period in there and I was expecting to feel light-headed. Also I had stopped taking one of my tinctures that I use to keep my menopausal symptoms in check and my cycles regular.

I haven't had a cigarette since June 20.

I think I was handling things not bad. Still by Friday I was getting concerned. I was so light-headed and nauseous. After years of cycle issues I'm used to being light-headed during my menstrual cycles. This however was over the top. Just sitting while I was working was hard as I was constantly on the verge of fainting. I wanted to vomit. I was cold sweats. I had started getting cold sweats at night too which I figured was the beginning of hot flashes again...

Thinking what I was experiencing was mostly cycle related and/or iron, then I doubled up on my iron supplement. Needless to say that didn't help since it wasn't the issue. Then there is the side affects of taking too much iron ;). I think that is evening itself out today though.

Holy cravings... Not for cigarettes. Salt and sugar. Banana splits, waffles, ice cream, whipped cream, syrup, potato chips and oh my gosh thirsty. I was experiencing an over-dose of nicotine. As a smoker and recovered addict I know what it feels like to smoke too much. This was... I don't ever want to experience that again.

This will be the 3rd day of no patch. Yesterday morning I put one on for about 45 minutes. The day before I had one on for maybe a couple of hours. I had to take them off. Within 20 minutes of putting them on I was dizzy, nauseous and my heart rate was going through the roof. It felt like I was running while sitting still. It was like I was on a serious high without the good parts. Breathing was a chore at times.

On a side note. Perhaps the experience can give me a little more insight into what my son can sometimes experience.

That's when I started putting it together. When I realized that I haven't physically craved a cigarette for a while now. I had gone days without wanting a Lozenge. There was so much nicotine in my system that even the habit itself wasn't making itself known.

I spoke to the pharmacist and he said it was a good thing that I was ready for step 3 (7 mg patch) so quickly. At least that was reassuring, I guess. Feeling like I needed to be in the ER wasn't.

Today I can feel it. I want a cigarette. I'm afraid to put on a patch though. I will see how I react to a lozenge first. I'm still light-headed. No where near where I was though. Thank goodness. I wake up feeling ok since I have gone all night with no nicotine and my system can start flushing it out. Caffeine... I'm noticing that drinking coffee is not helping as it's another stimulant that is triggering the nicotine affect.

All the physical stuff... It was the emotional or should I say IS the emotional that I'm struggling to get under control. Since I have never come off of antidepressants before and certainly not with all this other crap going on, I have no experience to compare it to. Yesterday I was to the point of, I don't know what. Hubby was 'helping' me with cleaning the floors. The way that ADHD, over-worried hubbies can help. By making everything worse :). I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle his ADHD thinking. I couldn't handle his attitude or inability to cope with me not being able to handle him. I hit him with a pillow. Trust me I wanted to do more... I wanted/needed him to stop. Just stop.

I'm a hormonal mess it seems. I have been on the verge of tears since yesterday morning. Now I think this is due to coming off the Venlafaxine. Not only do I want to cry at the sappy parts in movies, I want to cry at the thought of the sappy parts that I know are coming. Haha! Parts that I don't normally find sappy...

I'm back on my tinctures for menopause. I think my bleeding is finally stopping. Sorry guys... But honestly. Why can't our bodies just make a decision. Off or on. I don't even care which but 'spotting' is a complete joke.

Before I forget. A shout-out to my followers who have shown me support. I can't say how much I appreciate it. I don't have high expectations when it comes to family or anyone's ability to care... I will just leave that there. I blog and share because it helps me and hopefully helps others to not feel alone. So when I end up not feeling alone because of my followers responses and support. Yup, I'm a hormonal mess! Thank you and I see you! (We watched Avatar last night)



I missed my son's call yesterday. Because of work I sometimes put my phone on vibrate. I have a new work number now but the people I have previously contacted have my personal number. So I didn't know that he had called until last night.

I did see him on Friday. Hubby and I dropped him off a carton of smokes that he was supposed to call me and learn how to transfer me the money for them. Yes I know... I really wasn't expecting that to happen. I butted heads with privacy laws again. We can't tell you if he is here... We can't help you because we love to quote privacy laws instead of using common sense... Honestly I found myself insisting that there is a release that can be signed and that I'm pretty sure privacy laws haven't changed in the past 6 months. I had to insist because for whatever reason they didn't want to be bothered to reach over and grab a piece of paper that apparently didn't exist until I insisted. Then magically it appeared and my son was able to sign a release that let them acknowledge that he existed there when I called or showed up to drop off things he requested.

Sorry... It's just such a bullshit system and it doesn't help anyone. They certainly weren't helping my son. So who were they helping? Good question!

My son had called wanting smokes and some other items. Honestly I think he just wanted to come home and see if the alcohol was still here. He wanted some cloths. I checked his room and he took the cloths that he likes to wear. He already had tons of socks and underwear. His favorite shirts. Shorts and several pairs of pants. I did take him his favorite hoodie and some other things like chargers and his ipod etc.

Since the shelter pulled their privacy crap we couldn't even wait on the shelter's property to see if my son was going to come out for a smoke. They wouldn't take the items we brought. So we sat in the car for like 45 minutes, on the street. Then we drove to the closest mini-mart since I knew my son was buying cigarettes. I guess he saw us at some point so just as I figured was going to happen. He called me as we were getting back on the highway heading home. We turned around... I went inside with him to make sure the release was signed.

I asked him if he was taking his pills and he said yes. I asked him what he was doing. Just sitting outside smoking. So I clarified that I meant in the future. What are his plans. Well he doesn't want to have a place on his own out here in Ontario. He doesn't want to have a place on his own anywhere. The difference is that here with me being an addict/alcoholic isn't easy. In British Columbia it will be easy as who is going to try and stop him from throwing his life away? He knows that talk about him getting his own place out there is just that, talk. He has no intentions of doing it. He can't see past his addiction right now. And I seem to be the only one who thinks he is capable of doing that.

According to him he plans on buying a ticket with his disability payment. $98 isn't going to buy him a plane ticket. I'm certainly not helping him throw his life away. I told him again that he needs to go into rehab. He needs to be in a long-term treatment facility to help him. At least here that option is a distinct possibility and could happen rather quickly if he would take that step.

It's all second guessing on my part since I haven't heard from anyone on what their plans or intentions are.

I won't say how I know however I do know that he went to the liquor store on Friday for a bottle. I'm guessing he hasn't gotten caught or drank it all to make sure he didn't get caught. Alcohol... harmless right? Let him have it, right? *shakes head*

For now it's one day a time.

I do plan on making a doctor's appointment for myself and getting some blood work done. I want to make sure that the weight I have lost isn't as bad as everyone else seems to think it is. They may be right. I noticed on the weekend that I felt my ribs. I don't think I have been this thin since I was addicted so I should follow up and make sure it's nothing serious. I have been trying hard I guess to not acknowledge that there could be something wrong. The thought of me not being capable of taking care of things... It's a scary thought.

I'm off to play my Facebook games before work. I hope everyone had a good weekend and *finger's crossed* and a good week.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Ashes! Ashes! We all fall down.

I don't have a lot of time before I start work however I felt like doing a quick blog post.

I think I have referenced the above nursery rhyme before. Sadly it's one of those cycles that we/I seem to keep getting caught in. I keep saying that I don't want to play this game anymore. It seems the only way I can make that happen is to quite literally remove myself or as I did on Wednesday, remove my son.

He did end up going to the liquor store and got 4 bottles of alcohol. A nice variety: vodka, southern comfort, fireball whiskey and sour puss liquor. I had no idea. I began to get an idea however when I asked him to clean up his mess in the kitchen and got threatened with being hit and he tossed his candy all over the kitchen counter and floor. A little while later I looked into the back yard and he was lying there with an almost empty bottle of sour suss beside him. That got tossed right away. He didn't seem concerned about it. Why would he be? He had 3 more bottles to go.

I sat at my desk and asked myself if I was prepared and willing to do what I wanted to do next. Yes. I called the police. Like I explained to the lady on the phone, I really didn't feel like I had many, if any, options left. At the rate he was going there was a big chance I would be calling the police soon if not that day anyways and the outcome probably wouldn't have been very pretty.

They attended. One of them was periodically an idiot in my opinion. When I told him that there was open alcohol stashed on the grounds he didn't seem that interested in doing anything about it. Or should I say motivated to actually walk his ass anywhere to find it. There was kids around playing. I let him know that if a kid got into it then it was on his head. I still don't get how it's not his job to enforce the law of no open alcohol in public or drinking in public. But hey...

My son at this point was quit intoxicated which was very clear by his face and speech. After I removed the sour puss, I'm guessing he went for the vodka since I still haven't found that bottle. He insisted on lying to me and the police when asked about the alcohol. By the way, I have the liquor store receipt from that morning which I found stashed behind his TV stand.

I stood there, looking at the officers, managing to hold my cool and my emotions, while they asked me what it is that I wanted them to do. Did I want him removed from the home. Since he wasn't at that moment being violent... Gotta love the system! Can't prevent violence only get involved once it happens. Call them back if he does get violent with me.

Of course my son is saying there is no more alcohol which was a lie. He is saying he is done drinking for now. I'm standing there... Thinking to myself I have done what I can do. I have asked anyone that I could think of to ask for advise on what I was supposed to do and handle this type of situation. It was up to me if I wanted to call in the police. Well I took that step and I stood behind it. I asked them to remove him from the home.

They did. I do believe he got charged a fine of some sort for being intoxicated in public then he was released to the shelter once he was sober enough I guess for them to accept him.

Now it's Friday and I have heard from him a couple of times. Asking for a ride to get smokes since he didn't want to spend all of his money on expensive cigarettes. Asking for money for a plane ticket back out to British Columbia. And of course there is the fact that I will owe him money at the end of the month when I receive the room and board portion of his disability payment.

Money, money, money...

I haven't heard from anyone else which tells me a lot. Having been through this as many times as I have been, the quieter it is and the less I'm hearing from people, pretty much tells me what I need to know.

My daughter called me on Wednesday asking what happened. I love her dearly but she can be pretty transparent. She has this way of asking... It's not her asking. I try really hard not to react because none of this is on her. Still it's hard when she wants to get in the middle when she has no idea what is going on or what I have been dealing with. She asked if I was prepared for him going back out there and commented that she guessed she was going to have to get another job. Isn't it awesome that an 19 year old is going to try to financially help take on the responsibility of 2 adults that are older then her.

My only response is for them to do whatever they feel is necessary. Please don't call me for money. I just sent her money because she said she didn't have money for personal hygiene products and cigarettes until pay day. It looks like I have some more boundary setting ahead of me.

Yesterday I had a shower that I actually enjoyed. I didn't even realize until I was in the shower that it's been months since I had a shower and relaxed in it. Always having my guard up, my listening ears on and making sure my purse or anything else of consequence was hopefully in a safe place.

I cleaned up the back yard. I have been avoiding it because my son has been treating it like a garbage can and I was constantly picking up garbage and cleaning up spit etc.

I have been going to bed and leaving my purse in the living room.

There is a part of me that is honestly reveling in the freedom of being able to enjoy and relax in my own home. I can breathe. Hubby and I can spend time in the living room together. We have been going to bed right after dinner lately because it was easier. I can work without worrying about paying attention to what my son was doing or having to stop to clean up his vomit or making sure he wasn't masturbating again out front. What can I say... Yes it feels good.

The mom in me however is make no mistake about it, heart-broken.

I just don't want to fall down anymore.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

My Mom's Boyfriend

I have been thinking on this since last night. My son refers to my hubby as "My mom's boyfriend". He is my son's step-dad since hubby and I are common-law. The thing is... He is not just my boyfriend. He is not just my son's step-dad. No disrespect to anyone however my hubby as been there for me, my son and my daughter since he came into our lives, to the best of his ability.

So today I wanted to take the time to acknowledge my husband and all that he is, has been and continues to be for me and my family. He may not always have the patience or understanding that I sometimes expect from him. Really who does?

In September 2012 I decided to leave my job with my hubby's support. In April 2013 I brought my son home with my hubby's support. In July 2014 we drove across Canada for my daughter's grade 12 graduation. Three months ago we decided it was time to move to a bigger place as it looked like my daughter was going to be moving back with me. Of course my daughter has decided not to move and my son is currently in a shelter... So now we are moving into a 3 bedroom town-home and it's just the 2 of us :)

Yesterday evening my son called: Are you bringing me smokes? Without even hesitating my hubby was there to drive me to my son even though he had worked all day. Today he was there to drive me to the shelter for a scheduled meeting. Just like always he is there. He may not have a very good understanding of mental illness but he is trying and he is trying very hard. No matter what it is he says to me: Barb whatever it is you know that I'm behind you 100%. Do what you gotta do... The best part of that is that I know that I can count on him to be true to that.

He may not be my son's biological father however he has been there for over two years now for my son. Yes he finds it hard. We all find it hard. BUT he is willing to try. He is willing to put himself out there emotionally and financially for me, my children and by extension my children's family. It's my husband that is there trying to understand. So much to say however I will leave it at that and just say that he is the one making it all possible.

So thank you to my hubby for being a better husband and step-dad then I could have hoped for! To quote the movie Avatar: "I see you" and I love you for all that you are willing to put up with from me and my children.

Back to my son... I had a fairly nice conversation with a taxi driver today as hubby couldn't come back to get me after the meeting which I will discuss shortly, so I took a cab home. He asked me if I was working in the town he picked me up in? I said no that I didn't work and that I was visiting my son at the shelter because he is there due to mental illness. He asked me what mental illness? I told him schizophrenia and addiction. We actually had a nice conversation about it as he himself used to work in a facility that dealt with mental illness. A very nice man and he wished me good luck when he dropped me off. I thanked him stating I could use some ;)

I did go see my son at the shelter last Saturday and meet with the lady that I had spoken to on the phone. We went over my son's medications a little bit. They don't oversee medication compliancy so my son has been missing some doses here and there. Discussed my son's level of self-care which is pretty non-existent. They may not equipped to handle the support my son seems to need. I didn't put him there... Discussed his need for drug treatment which my son still doesn't want to acknowledge. I had taken him his winter jacket and brought back his other one. He called me later that night. I'm not sure what happened but his roommate accused him of touching his stuff and threatened him. I talked to the shelter the next morning and that guy was no longer there. The person I spoke to was working when my son arrived there so he was aware of my son's case and we talked for a minute about what was going on.

I went to see my son last night and bring him some smokes. Not sure what my son is saying however they were under the impression that my son was without the proper clothing and needed assistance with that. He has winter boots and a dresser full of cloths. He only has... Yes that's because he packed himself and his goal at the time had nothing to do with what he was going to wear but with the opportunity to get high. So I packed a small suitcase this morning with his boots, another pair of jeans, long sleeved shirts and more socks and underwear. Last night he was supposed to have a shower. That didn't happen. It probably won't unless someone 'guides' him into having one.

Today I went to the shelter and meet with my son's case worker from PACT, the lady from Ready4Life and one of the shelter staff. Actually the guy I just spoke about. I wasn't sure how it was going to go with the lady from Ready4Life or how I was going to react to her... but it was fine. We discussed my son's possible housing options. We are all in agreement that he isn't capable of living on his own. He can't see that which makes it harder because they can only do what he will agree to. As far as I can tell the goal is to get him into the group home that better fits him because he can't be in the one that expects him to be out during the day.

I guess the shelter had tried to have my son agree to go to Safe Beds as they can offer more support and oversee medications however as usual for my son he declined. I explained that because my son is not stable that I think he confuses this time in the shelter with September 2014. He put up resistant to getting the right kind of help then too. He turns his back on and puts up road blocks to those trying to help him because right now his addiction is controlling him. He doesn't want support... He wants freedom. One comment he made was the he wants to snort percocets for the rest of his life. Not hard to tell where his thinking is at since he used to snort his Nana's perks.

At least this time we all seem to be on the same page and because we were all together my son didn't put up much resistance to all of us working together to help him achieve his long-term goal of having his own place. It came up about him coming home... That's not an easy question to answer. I would love to have my son come home however the reality is that once he gets it into his head that he wants to use then all of his promises of not being disrespectful or violent and doing chores etc, all go out the window.

We all tried to impress on him that this is the time that he needs to start making the right decisions. He can only stay at this shelter for 30 days. I'm ok with him coming home in between if it's needed however he still needs to participate in making choices that are going to keep him stable. He has it in his head that he doesn't have to worry about it because he will have his own place by then. Or he thinks he will be in British Columbia? Not if I have my say. I can't see him getting the same assistance as last time from the case workers here as they seem to already have a much clearer picture of how my son is acting. It wasn't even me this time that first commented that certain behaviors could be considered manipulative. Yes A++ in that skill ;).

I think the short-term goal is to get him into Safe Beds as they are much better equipped to deal with my son's issues. He did agree to have Safe Beds oversee his medications as I guess they are in the same building. It's a start. I did on several occasions speak to my son and try to get him to pay attention. I can't say I like it when people talk to him and he is obviously not paying attention to them and they keep talking... So I step in and get his attention and repeat what they had to say in words then I think will make sense to him. I asked him what he plans on doing if it comes to the point of his 30 days being up there and he doesn't have housing in place because he is not going back to BC. I had to repeat that scenario twice which is fine because that means he was listening. He seemed less resistant to Safe Beds after that and agreed to them overseeing his medications.

Whether we can get him into some sort of drug treatment is still up in the air. The lady from Ready4Life will be contacting ADAPT which is for addiction services. Maybe they can help to teach him how addiction is controlling his live. He doesn't see it as a problem. I explained to him that if his need to use is affecting his life and choices then it is a problem. Someone doesn't have to be drunk all the time or high all the time to have an addiction problem. If it changes who they are then it's a problem and my son's need/want to use changes who he is and how he acts. Also it furthers his schizophrenia which keeps him unstable.

Not sure exactly what is happening with disability. They still haven't called me back however my son says he is getting a check direct deposited next week. They did process him a drug benefits card which PACT has so they are now taking care of ordering and getting his medications.

Poor hubby... He is getting off of work, taking me to get my son smokes which is a 20 minute drive each way and then he may have to go work his second job of snow plowing.

Oh... Did you see that my blog got accepted here: Mental Health Writer's Guild. My Facebook page reached 500 likes yesterday. Ya me!

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Brick by Brick

My new Facebook page has been growing. I feel privileged for the opportunity to share my story with others. A picture/quote that came across my news-feed yesterday:



I'm not saying that anyone is throwing bricks at me however sometimes it feels that way. Yesterday was an emotional day for me. Regrettably I lost it a little bit on several people. I don't regret my feelings, not at all. I do regret acting on them. Having vented some of my frustration, I think today I am in better control and able to blog about it without being to negative... At least I hope so :).

Thursday evening my son called, stoned, stating that he was being getting kicked out of the shelter due to marijuana use. I could hear someone in the back ground talking to my son about him going to another shelter. At this point I wasn't worried about my son having a place to go as it sounded like it was being taken care of. I did call the shelter shortly after and got privacy laws quoted to me. They passed on the message to my son that I had called and he called me back. He let me know that they had agreed to let him stay. I asked him to sign a release so that I could talk to the shelter and he refused.

From my point of view based on limited information, my son was safe and it appeared he was playing at the same game as September 2014. Honestly I still think he is to a certain degree however hopefully it all won't play out the same way.

Please note: Below is a reflection of my thoughts and feelings. It is my blog after all :)

The last time that I had spoken to my son's Nana was on Tuesday and she said she would probably call me back later that day. I had asked her to not agree to my son having the option of going back to British Columbia because when this happens it gives my son the freedom to turn his back on me and the services available to him here. My son isn't looking at long-term anything. He only sees if he is getting what he wants which for him right now is the opportunity and freedom to use marijuana. Whether it's today, tomorrow or 6 months down the road. I know the mindset of an addict and suffering through anything is worth it if you know the opportunity to use again is waiting.

Wednesday night I commented to my hubby that she hadn't called... My hubby told me to call her because he felt that there was something going on behind my back again. I got mad at hubby, telling him to revisit his CBT thinking and that I believed we weren't going to go down that path again. That we were talking this time and that she had given me her word. Sometimes I should listen to my hubby ;).

In between all this I'm trying to get a hold of disability and limit the damage that I am afraid my son will do to himself if he gets what he wants. Since my son wouldn't sign a release and no one at the shelter would call me back I was under the impression that my son was being taken care of and that everything was ok. Well aside from the fact that he was in a shelter...

Yesterday I started to get an uneasy feeling since I had still not received a phone call which at this point I found really odd. I decided to call Nana myself. I can't say that the conversation went very well. Eventually I had to hang up before I completely lost it. This is when I find out that obviously my son had signed a release for the shelter to talk to his Nana. This is when I find out that she had called the shelter about them not kicking him out. Yes I am grateful for that.

Honestly I don't remember all of the conversation as some key phrases caught my attention. As I stood outside smoking, trying to keep my cool and listen... I didn't keep my cool. 'I don't want him out in the snow.' I have heard this before and the result of this thinking got my son the worst break he has ever had. I don't think I can describe the fear for my son's future that overwhelmed me. 'He can't come here now but after he....' Like I said before in my son's way of thinking he has already won the opportunity to get what he wants which is the freedom to use marijuana. A little FYI. My daughter currently lives with Nana. The thought of her being physically put in harms way makes me feel sick to my stomach. 'She won't be living here then...' For me these few words told me all that I needed to know OR was able to retain at the time.

I think what totally pushed me over the edge was being told that I was wrong in believing in 'tough love' and that everyone else was telling her that I was wrong. I couldn't get my mind around it. Who was everyone else? At this point no one knew my side of what had happened. What professionals had been consulted? I find out that the same women from Ready4Life that had previously been involved, is involved again and as far as I can tell played a very incompetent game of telling both Nana and myself that we were doing the right thing and after assuring me that she would not drop the ball... Dropped the ball.

I'm not proud of some of the things that I said. I do regret letting my feelings of hurt, fear and betrayal govern my words. I don't regret my feelings. In my eyes what happened is that my son was once again give the opportunity to turn his back on me and the kind of support that I want to provide because I believe he can be and do better. All I could see was my son being in the same situation in British Columbia that he has been in time and time again. Things may not always be smooth sailing here in Ontario however his schizophrenia and more importantly his addiction has not been given free reign to wreck havoc on his brain.

I'm still having a hard time getting my mind around this. Just like the last time I am but a phone call away. Physically I am 20 minutes away from my son. If anything about my actions are in question. Pick up the phone and call me! If my son is literally at risk of being out on the streets. Pick up the phone and call me! I thought that there had been an agreement after the last fiasco that we would pick up the phone... "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me."

I was so pissed off by the time I got of the phone. I was shaking and struggled to not cry. I came inside and I thought this is enough. The shelter needed to be set straight and any misconceptions that I was feeling they may have needed to be addressed. I called them and said: This is 'blank's' mom and I know that you can't talk to me but I KNOW that you can listen and I need to talk to someone about my son. I was put through to someone.

I am so thankful that I had enough sense to not let this go and to in a sense push myself onto the shelter. I am also thankful that the lady I spoke to was understanding of my yelling at her. Yes I yelled at her a lot. I couldn't understand how it was that I had called and left a message on Tuesday stating my son's diagnoses and for them to call me with no return phone call. Or that his Nana was able to be involved from another province yet I was being excluded. Granted it is partly due to my son's wonderful resistance to signing a release giving me access.

One of the first things I was told was that the police dropped of my son stating that I had kicked him out. I was again shocked. Yes I yelled at her: I did not kick out my son. He did this all on his own because he doesn't want to pay me room and board and wants to get high. And he got what he wanted as he did get high. Through a fair amount of yelling and even some tears I managed to, I hope, give them a bigger picture of what is going on. I think a apologized several times for yelling. She was very nice about it saying she could hear me crying...

I guess the reason they had not called me is because they had been told that I had kicked out my son. I guess it looked like I was turning my back on my son and not being supportive. I made it very clear that I have been here and that every decision that I have made has been based on the advise of professionals. Yes my son's grandmother loves my son. I have never denied that however when that love keeps my from learning to manage his own illness and addiction or accept responsibility for his actions then yes I have an issue.

My son needs support. I am in complete agreement. They were not aware that my son was a part of The PACT Team and that through this team he has access to a psychiatrist, nurse, case worker and peer support. Yes they are understaffed at the moment which complicates things however my son has refused to participate actively in his own treatment. Why should he? Every time things get tough he gets to run away instead of learning to help himself.

My son needs anger management and treatment. Again I'm in complete agreement. I have known for 2 years now that my son needs anger management. I can only work with the services that I am aware of and PACT does not offer anger management. He needs drug rehab and treatment. I have looked into those too. My son refuses. So unless he is in a situation like he is currently in, my hands get tied as to what I can do. Unless I get power of attorney I can't force my son to take these steps. Instead I get to try my best to but things back to together, to have them torn apart again and again.

Because of my phone call and resulting 'temper tantrum' the lady had my son sign releases for me and the PACT team! *big sigh of relief* I am no longer on the outside of this situation. *fingers crossed* he may even get transferred into a treatment facility where he should have gone years ago. There was also talk of other services that I was unaware of. Like I said I'm so glad I made that call. In the beginning I could hear/feel the walls that were up regarding me. I do believe I tore them down. At least I really hope so because my goal here is NOT to increase my son's suffering but to increase his chances of having a future.

I texted him last night letting him know that I love him. He replied that he loved me to. Brick by brick I will rebuild...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Liar liar pants on fire

I came across this picture today and it made me giggle. As any caregiver of someone with a mental illness knows, we sometimes need a little humor in our lives.

Wouldn't it be nice... Or if their noses grew like Pinocchio. Honestly it's not just our mentally ill loved ones. I would like to see this happen to a lot of grown ups I know too. ;)

Monday night things went south again. This time I can at least have the comfort of knowing that I did nothing to provoke it.

I was in bed when my son came into my room. He started and I asked him to leave, letting him know that I didn't appreciate how he has been talking to me and that there was no excuse for it. Him getting mad is not a good enough reason for calling me the things that he did. He left my room however stood outside the door continued to try and 'reason' with hubby and I that he was entitled to make up the rules since it's his place because he pays half the rent. The fact that he hasn't paid us anything since July 2014 is apparently a mood point to him. I closed my bedroom door. He kept it up. I asked him to stop. The swearing at me started... It still surprises me sometimes when I can hear it his tone that he is very much in control over what he is saying and swearing or calling me names on purpose.

Finally I opened the door and stop in front of him and told him he needed to stop or leave. He grabbed my arm and pushed me. Apparently I made the mistake of standing in front of his bedroom door and according to him he was justified in pushing me because I was in the way. If he had wanted in his bedroom he could have went in there instead of standing outside my bedroom door swearing and calling me names. There was no indication that he wanted to go into his room.

I told him that if he touched me like that again I would have him charged. I could still see and feel where he grabbed me 45 minutes later. Sshh Hubby doesn't know this. Hubby heard me say this and got out of bed saying this was enough. The sight that greeted him when he got to my son's bedroom door... My son pulling down his pants, showing me his ass and telling me to kiss it! Adorable isn't he? I told my husband to not get involved and pushed him back because yes my hubby was not impressed. For me, seeing my son's ass defused my anger. All I could think as I looked at it was: Boy if you were 5 years old I would be paddling that ass! Before you think child abuse! No I didn't make it a habit of spanking my kids ;)

I just looked at my son and told him that the way he was acting and the words coming out of his mouth were disgusting. He actually looked a little shocked. Then said he was going to call COAST which is the crisis outreach team in our area. Ok.. Make sure you tell them that you just pushed your mother and have been swearing and calling her names. Suddenly he was all business. Called them and said that he needed assistance and a place to stay. I went back to my bedroom and let him do his thing. I could hear by his answers that they were asking him mental health questions. He then called some shelters.

What floored me was he then called 911 stating that he needed a place to go because his mom's husband had physically threatened him with violence. I just sat there as I listened to him give 911 my husbands name. Pictures of my hubby being hulled off in handcuffs. Yes I know I was overreacting but seriously you never know. It's not like the police haven't made things worse before. I did nothing. My son started packing his stuff. He's getting good at this part. Hubby and I went out for a smoke as I wanted to meet the police when they arrived and let them know what had really happened.

They came in. The one officer pointed out to my son that the police were not a taxi service. The other officer told my son when he again spoke about my hubby threatening violence, that he was an adult and perfectly within his rights to leave if he didn't like it here. They left with him and took him to a shelter.

When my son was making his phone calls it hit me. What this was all about. No one had said anything to him about a shelter. No one had threatened him. He wanted this to happen. Why? Because he doesn't want to pay me room and board from the check he thinks he is getting this week. This is what happened in September 2014. He got to keep the whole check and he got high. Yes he got robbed of most of it but he still got marijuana. In his eyes that's a win. The way that he became totally coherent to make the calls and write down the numbers... Mind boggling.

What I was seeing had little to do with schizophrenia and a whole lot to do with addiction and manipulation. He couldn't get benzo's from his treatment team or hospital so he went with plan B. Honestly who can blame him. It worked the last time.

I find myself yet again in between that proverbial rock and a hard place. The rock being my right to not be abused and to be treated with respect and the hard place being my son's schizophrenia and addiction. I get that he isn't stable right now. I get that he is being controlled by addiction and perhaps some delusional thinking. Still... Son or not... I don't have to accept this type of behavior. No where in all the information regarding addiction or mental illness does it state that family members should allow themselves to be abused because a loved one has a mental illness.

My son called me yesterday. Mom, I want to come home... Has my check come in? I guess he forgot that in September he left with his check on him. Ops! I told him he couldn't come home right now that he caused this to happen and he has to deal with the consequences. I asked if he called for another reason other then wanting his check? Well I do want my check...

I know what shelter he is in and it's actually fairly nice. As far as I know it's the one he went to for a couple of hours the last time he called 911. Industrial area so shouldn't be drug traffic. Nice main room with computers and TV. You could tell the people there were a different crowd then the one he was in in September. I'm not worried about him there. Really if my son wants trouble bad enough he can find even from here. They will lock up and administer his medications. He will be fed and on a sensible sleep schedule. Honestly it's probably a good spot for him right now.

My biggest concern right now is trying to figure out what is happening with his disability payment. Yes I want my portion for room and board. We could use the money. He isn't cheap to support! Although my main concern is him not getting it. I know that sounds harsh but I live in reality. $800 would most likely get him in jail or worse. At the very least another psychotic break when he hasn't recovered from the last one.

I called disability and reception would not put me through to a supervisor this time. Told me to leave his worker another message and to fax them something stating my concerns. So I walked to Staples and faxed them a letter stating that my son doesn't want to pay me room and board for the second time and that I'm pretty sure he wants the money for drugs and I'm fearful of him ending up in jail or worse. He is not capable of handling his own finances. That was 4 hours ago. No phone call yet...

I did talk to his case worker at PACT. She has been trying to get in contact with the shelter. She had talked to my son's psychiatrist and team and his psychiatrist stated absolutely no benzos. I told her what has happened and she said it sounds behavioral. Honestly as time goes by I'm in agreement. I do know it's being fueled by his symptoms and addiction however it's still his choice to act the way that he is. He believes that no one else matters, period.

I did leave a message at the shelter to have someone call me.

So here we are again... Maybe this time he will get the help that he needs.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

When will it be enough?

Yesterday was interesting and not in a good way. I don't know if it's the Olanzapine/Zyprexa or the energy drinks, 2 a day, that is bringing out his aggression and triggering his ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). I do know that I have been seriously questioning, again, if I should have had him released on Thursday. Per Wikipedia Olanzapine is an atypical or next generation antipsychotic similar to Clozapine and Quetiapine/Seroquel. It affects serotonin and dopamine. I'm beginning to think that between the Invega Sustenna, Trazodone and now Olanzapine that his serotonin levels may be getting adversely (negatively) affected. Although he was showing signs of aggression on Friday, before the Olanzapine (picked up on Saturday) or the energy drinks, when not getting his own way. Perhaps I'm just searching for an explanation where there isn't one and it's just my son's ODD rearing it's ugly head.

Yesterday started off like most days with him getting up around 11:30 or 12 after me putting him to bed at 5 AM. He had taken his Trazodone around 3 when I got up and had him take it so probably fell asleep on the sofa shortly after that. I gave him an Olanzapine. A little while later I don't recall if he asked or I brought it up but he wanted two Neurontin instead of one. I said no, only one as I'm not even sure that I'm supposed to be giving him Neurontin and Olanzapine as his psychiatrist wasn't clear on that. Then I get asked if we can go get cigarettes. He has over a carton of cigarettes however it is not the kind that he wants since I'm guessing after smoking rollies, the ones he used to smoke just aren't strong enough anymore. Two kinds of cigarettes and chewing tobacco = not enough. My answer was that he will have to adjust and mix up smoking the two kinds or go without. I'm not even sure what triggered the first outburst but can you say deja vu? We were outside smoking and he is telling me that he needs more money, that he wants at least $300 a month spending money. Honestly I have a problem with the attitude that the people who are working 10 hour days to cover disability payments with there taxes are worthless and no bodies. Which is what I got told they were when I reminded him that there are people working their asses off who don't have $100 a month spending money. In walks anger and I'm being swore at, being told to watch my tone and not yell, when I wasn't even yelling. I stood there for a moment in a bit of shock as I looked at my son's face, full of rage. I walked away. Next he wants $2 to walk to the store for candy. He has at least 4 different kinds of goodies not including the other junk food that we have. My answer is no because I just can't keep spending money like we have an unlimited supply. Friday I got him a new Wii u game for $75 because he decided he didn't like the one he had previously picked out and that I couldn't return as it had been opened and used, so he ended up with another one. Last night my husband ended up needing to sleep on the sofa as his restless leg syndrome is currently ridiculous at night. It's like sleeping beside mini earthquakes. My son of course is lying on the big sofa. I get up to check and my husband who is a big guy is trying to get to sleep on the love seat. I ask my son to go to his room. His answer: Let me catch my breathe. I can't say how many times I have heard that in the past when my son's ODD was acting up and anything that I asked him to do was met with defiance, not doing it just because I asked him to and purposely making me wait. He gets up and starts telling me to kick him out and send him to a shelter. Not the first time I have heard him ask to go to the shelter in the last couple of days when he isn't getting his own way. I tell him no that I'm not kicking him out and that I'm not playing this retarded game with him again. I'm being swore at again and yes this time I raised my voice and told him that he is losing the internet for swearing at me. He says he can't live here and would rather be in a shelter. So living in a shelter where he is being told what time to go to bed, what time to get up, what time to eat, with no privacy, internet, laptop, Wii and having to be up and out everyday is better then living here? Apparently yes and I'm being told to get the fuck out of his room... He ended up calling 911 asking for assistance on how to stop my illegal pestering that I was hurting his spirit. I went to put some pants on while I listened to his side of the conversation discussing that he has schizophrenia. I went outside for a smoke while we waited for the police to attend. They showed up and the first thing he was told was that there is no such thing as illegal pestering and that he shouldn't be swearing at his mom. They took there notes, chatting for a couple of minutes and asked me if it was ok that he stay. I told them that I didn't have a problem with him being here that he is the one that doesn't want to be here and wants me to kick him out to a shelter.

So now I find myself in a bit of a conundrum (confusing or difficult problem). I'm pissed. I'm pissed because I'm hurt. I'm hurt because nothing I do seems to good enough for him. Because I haven't been being strict on structure and scheduling, I'm having a hard time getting his medications in him at the appropriate times. Because I want him getting all of his medications in him he has been getting medications early as he is not up long enough in the day to accommodate how they are being prescribed. His Olanzapine is supposed to be twice a day, morning and night, with 12 hours in between. He is not getting up until between 11-2 and still wanting his next dose between 7-9. Same with his Neurontin. Yesterday I gave him his next dose early because he said he needed it.

This morning he got up and went to the sofa around 6:30 AM. When he spoke to me it was very nice... Asking if he could have the internet back. I have been sworn at three times since Friday so no I don't think so. I told him at 8:30 that he needs to be up by 9. It's now almost 10:30 and I just got his first Olanzapine in him. Several times I reminded him to take it because if he doesn't take it now than he will not get another one today. From now own he needs to take them as prescribed. He says yes then does nothing. Refuses to take it. I asked him if he was paralyzed. I asked him this because last night after the police left he stated that he couldn't get off the sofa when I asked him to because he was paralyzed. I truly don't believe this as he was capable of talking to me and he was moving around on the sofa, just not getting up, so not paralyzed. His answer to being paralyzed this morning: Yah I guess so as he is stretching and moving around. Really!? I swear my son knows exactly what to do to piss me off. Either way if he thinks that a shelter live is better then this one... Okay. No more sleeping all day. No more staying up til 3 or 5 in the morning. No more getting medications outside of their prescribed time or without his psychiatrists okay. I asked him how the shelter got him out of bed since getting him up has not been easy today. He tells me that it would be easier for him to wake up if he had something to do. Really? What did he do at the shelter? No internet there. Apparently it's still preferable to being here...

What is the conundrum I find myself? I have been told by my son's Nana that if I was to put my son 'out on the street' again that she would step in again. Granted this time I'm sure that the people that actually purchased the ticket the last time wouldn't, considering the outcome. Will this stop her? Good question however I'm not sure that it is one that I want to find out as in the long run it will be my son paying the price as he did the last time. So I'm yet again between a rock and hard place. Try to do what I think is right for the long run and risk more interference or go against everything that I believe to be right so that we don't find ourselves repeating September, October and November. If it happened would I step in to fix it again? If it wasn't for my husband I wouldn't have had the resources to do what I have done for the past two years. Maybe that is my answer. I don't have the resources to continue to fix and take responsibility for choices that I am not making. I truly believe that no one else can provide my son with the same level of care that I can. For clarification I am not saying that I am going to send my son to a shelter. I am just talking out what is going through my mind right as I weigh the pros and cons of what I should be doing next. I am weighing them because if my son decides that he would rather be in a shelter then it may happen regardless of what my intentions are. He made sure that it happened the last time so what is stopping him from manipulating and making it happen this time? Since it worked the last time why wouldn't it work this time?

My son just proceeded to punch the door entering our apartment, hard and twice for affect... Why? Because I'm refusing to give him back the internet. Good reason to vandalize someone else's property, isn't it? I got told that if I didn't he was going to lose control like he did last night when he swore at me and gave me the finger (I missed that) which he just proceeded to do yet again, calling me a fucking slut! What a sweet boy he is... (sarcasm) He was in control when he punched the door and it was obvious that he was. I can't even imagine calling my mother a fucking slut and certainly not for telling me that she deserved to be treated with respect in her own home. Sitting here with my son towering over me, giving me the finger, threatening to lose control, calling me a fucking slut while I keep my own voice neutral and I'm thinking: Am I in danger? Sadly the answer just maybe yes. Awesome isn't it!

The police just left with him and are taking him to a shelter since that is apparently where he wants to be. I tried talking to him while he was waiting for them, saying that I don't understand why he is making this choice. How is a shelter better then here? Because they can give him more. I asked what the more was but he couldn't answer, just more and that he will find out and for me to fucking shut up. I called his case worker while we were waiting and let her know what was happening and that I don't know what to do. The familiar, it's behavioral... Yes I get that but it's being motivated by something. His ODD, maladaptive or inappropriate functioning of his flight and fight response, the Olanzapine or a combination of these with his current instability? The police asked me if he can come back? I'm not kicking him out. I told him he can't come in if he is not in control and that I'm not putting myself at risk if I'm in danger. He didn't like that as in his eyes I'm supposed to lay down my life for him, needlessly if necessary. Who cares how that might affect other people in my life like my daughter or my husband? That's right we are all worthless and nobodies. He is making the choice to go to the shelter. I packed up his back pack with what I think he will need and let the police know about his medications, that he has already taken what he can for the day so if they see him taking more pills to be on the lookout as he already said something this morning about taking enough Olanzapine to get high. Can he contact me? Yes, my son knows how to contact me when he wants something, always has, even in psychosis and he now has a cell phone that I just got hooked up on Saturday under my plan. At least this one I can disconnect, with no penalties if needed. He won't contact me unless he wants/needs something because I am of no use to him when he is like this.

His case worker let me know that his psychiatrist wants him to stay on the Invega shot with an upped dosage from 75 mg to 100 mg. Can't see that going over very well but it's not my call. She will also talk to his psychiatrist and ask if the Olanzapine can cause aggression however this was starting before the Olanzapine and she doesn't think it's likely. I did finally get a call from his disability worker this morning. She is being held up waiting for clarification from disability in the other province stating that she has left them several messages with no response. She can't issue a drug card without reactivating his file and can't do that without hearing back from them. I had told her that I would call disability in the other province to see if I can further it along however now that my son isn't here to help with the call, I'm not sure how far I can get as they will want to talk to him.

So now what?.... FML... I don't know. I guess I will just have to wait and see how things play out. My son started this with I'm sure the same intend as the last time. He is most likely being driven by the want or need to self medicate or satisfy his addiction. At least that is what his case worker suggested and upon further thought she is mostly likely correct. He has never been able to satisfy it very well here but he has certainly tried his best while in British Columbia. I guess I can't blame him for wanting to take what he thinks is the easy route, regardless of the consequences. Hopefully it won't come to that again as honestly it just might take a miracle or some other miraculous event to make me put myself out there like that again. If he stays I will be there by his side like I have been and continue to do my best to give him the life that he deserves but if we repeat September... then maybe it will be time for me to let go and let him destroy his live and others in the process. I guess I can prey for a miracle. T'is the season after all...

Mom
BarbieBF

Bronchitis, I Love You Too

My son called me on Friday, he has bronchitis and needed his disability drug card to fill his prescriptions. There wasn't too much that I could do until my husband got home from work so once that happened we headed to see my son. On the way we stopped and got him some acetaminophen in case his throat hurt and some cough syrup for at night. We took him to fill his prescriptions at a different pharmacy then the one he originally went to which saved us some money. I would have to say that really bothers me that some pharmacies charge more, especially when it's for people on disability. Due to my previous job where part of my duties was to be the administrator for the companies insurance, I was/am aware of why at some pharmacies you have to pay more. It's because they are charging more for their services or medications then the insurance company or in this case disability, thinks the service or medication is worth. So luckily the one pharmacy was already closed so we went to another one, one that didn't charge more for their services then disability was willing to pay.

My son wanted to go for pizza afterwards to which I agreed if he cleaned up first. He was wearing the same cloths from when I saw him on Tuesday and they didn't smell too good. With no resistance he changed cloths and cleaned himself up. I had also brought him a toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, Q-tips and nail clippers, although I haven't been able to get him to use the nail clippers yet. He goes through phases where he likes to have long nails. It seems to go hand in hand with his phases of instability and I only remind him that if he is going to keep then long then he should try to keep them clean. We also got him a new fanny pack since his was taken and I wanted him to have a safe place to keep his ID and other items. We then took him for pizza which he seemed to enjoy. I had to pick off the hot peppers since we let him pick the toppings.

I was impressed during the visit to see staff at the shelter checking for drugs etc when certain people where coming in. One boy even had to remove his shoes! All my son's belongings are in a locked cabinet that only staff can access. Not sure how but he also got another cell phone and this time kept the paperwork although I didn't take the time to read it. His left over pizza was put in a locked fridge with his name on it. We had to hand in his prescriptions, even his puffer that he was prescribed. All prescription medications have to be monitored and he signs every time he has access to and takes his medications. After watching my son take his first set of antibiotics and use his puffer, my husband and I said our good-byes. This time my son actually hugged me back! and told me he loved me too!

Saturday my husband and I went to see his family as his sister passed away over a month ago but due to circumstances everyone couldn't get together until now. It was nice to see everyone.

Yesterday we went to see my son again. He seemed genuinely happy to see us. Got him to change his shirt as again he was in the same one. Took him his track pants as the nights are a little colder now. He can do laundry there but without monitoring and reminding he doesn't follow through so I guess he did start a load when he first got there but the cloths went missing. He hasn't looked for them so they are probably there somewhere since no one else is wearing them. He can't be bothered to look for them as according to him he can buy a whole new wardrobe for $400 so why worry about a set of cloths. I guess this $400 is part of the full check disability is going to pay him... I have been bringing home his dirty cloths. Also took him some vitamin waters, beef jerky and more cigarettes. He wanted to go for a car ride so we drove to Tim Horton's, got a coffee and went to a park to drink it.

Even though he is physically doing better, his thinking is still a little off. I was asking him about how the food is at the shelter and he says that it is actually pretty good although he still doesn't feel like eating much. He is still in the frame of mind that he is doing his body good by forcing it to survive on less. I tried to explain that his body is like a car. It needs oil, fluids and gas to run properly and if he really wants to show his body respect then giving it the proper nourishment is the best way to do that. I do believe that he is eating as I see no indication of weight lose and even though he is somewhat delusional in his thinking he is doing better.

Paranoia, delusional thinking and general confusion becomes obvious at certain times. The shelter has tried to get him to sign a release for PACT however it seems a little paranoia may be causing this resistance along with his normal defiance. He seemed less resistant to the idea when I brought it up to him a couple of times. He is starting to get low on his Clozapine so I'm hoping that I can get him to open up about PACT so that they can interact with the shelter and make arrangements to have this brought to him as well as receive information about his blood work for next week. The shelter or my son is going to need a requisition and I can't provide it, PACT does. Also it would make things so much easier in trying to find him a bed somewhere else if everyone could talk to each other and get things moving faster. I really wish that he could see all that everyone is trying to do for him. I know that his case worker called the shelter again today but they couldn't talk to her. I'm not sure how long they can continue to offer their services if he is not open to it. I'm not sure I even want to think about the problems that could arise from him not having a psychiatrist to prescribe his medications or who is going to pay for his Clozapine since PACT took care of that. He was lucky to have a lot of people advocating and pushing his referrals through so that he didn't have the usual wait time it normally takes to get in to see a psychiatrist. One problem at a time right!

He did ask me yesterday what was going on with his Grandmother and Father, that something didn't feel right or was off. At first I wasn't sure who he was referring to as we usually refer to his grandmother as Nana. He wondered about his Dad not calling him and I let him know that his Dad had asked for his cell number but his cell had gotten stolen right after that and my son seemed confused by my reference to the stolen cell, like he didn't know or remember that it had been stolen. I'm not sure what he thinks is off with his Nana and he couldn't explain it but I told him that she has been going through her own stuff and I don't think it's anything that he needs to worry about. It could be his own paranoia acting up as well so it's hard to tell.

I did make sure he took his antibiotics before leaving yesterday. Let him know that I might not make it back until Wednesday. I also got the name and address of the pharmacy that filled his antibiotics as I'm going to have to figure out something for when he needs to refill his Lithium. Either transfer the prescription from the pharmacy here to the one close to him or have this pharmacy get the disability information as we had to give the pharmacy the original disability drug card and they keep it. Hopefully I'm worrying over nothing and I don't run into problems of not being able to do help with this since he's an adult and should be doing it himself. He did hug me good-bye and told me that he loved me too.

So today I'm doing my usual phone calls of checking on him, making sure everyone is aware of what they need to be aware of and now I will try to get a hold of his case worker and keep my fingers crossed that he finally agrees to sign the release.

Not adding up...

I did see my son on Tuesday. I arrived while he was on the phone, I was told that he was talking to his Grandmother. I'm not sure what I was expecting to find but physically he actually looked like he is doing okay. He has showered and he has been sleeping and eating as the shelter does provide meals. He has been taking his Clozapine and Lithium. My son's eyes seem to tell his story better then anything else and he looked more stable then the last time I saw him.

I have tried to piece together what happened on Monday however very little of it is making any sense to anyone. Before my son called me to tell me that he had been mugged, I was unaware that this happened. To my knowledge he had tried to buy $500 worth of drugs and they didn't return with the drugs so he went to the police. Somewhere in there he took them for Chinese food... I really don't know how that detail fits in. My son called me after I blogged on Tuesday to tell me that he had been mugged and only had $11 left in his bank account. I tried to ask him what happened. He said that he 'got lured in' yet when I asked him how they lured him in he couldn't tell me just that they did. I'm guessing that he willingly went with them as he was trying to purchase marijuana and cocaine. The cocaine according to him is because he wanted to try it. I guess I wasn't sympathetic enough as I told him I wouldn't be giving him any money so he got mad and hung up on me.

My husband came home early due to rain so we had an early dinner then headed to the shelter. I thought my son would like to have his search-a-word book and a notebook and some pens as well as some cigarettes. He didn't want the books. I gave him one pack of cigarettes and gave the shelter another 3 packs and asked them to only give him one pack a day. Since he was able to go to the bank, get a new bank card and find out how much money he had that meant that he had his ID still which I know that he kept in his fanny pack that got stolen. He says that he asked for his ID back and one of the muggers was nice enough to give it back. I don't disbelieve this however it's hard to imagine. The staff have been having problems communicating with my son as it takes him awhile to understand and respond so it's hard to believe that he was thinking clearly enough during a mugging to ask for his ID but it is possible. He also apparently voluntarily (without them asking for it) gave them his pin number for his bank card. He says that he got hit in the neck. There are no bruises, red marks, nothing to indicate that he had been hit. I did look. He got away and ran to a pay phone and called the police. I'm not sure how no one knew to tell me that it was a mugging when I first found out about it.

My son told me he got robbed of $700. That he was trying to buy marijuana and cocaine although he hadn't planned on spending all of his money on drugs since he wanted to purchase some luxury items. I quietly stated: I barely had money for rent yet you want to buy luxury items? He laughed it off. He thinks that disability is going to reimburse him and he seems to also think that they are going to continue to hand him money for board and lodgings when he isn't paying for it. I didn't bother going any further into that conversation. We did ask him what he planned on doing with that much drugs since he can't take it into the shelter, they do searches. He had a spot picked out, outside, to hide it. Nice to know he is planning ahead for something :)

The shelter asked if I could help with getting his cell phone disconnected since it was taken too and we don't need whoever has it running up a bill in his name. We took him to the mall where he got it. He said that he got it through Rogers but he actually got it through Koodo. The couldn't help him at the mall stating that he needed to call them. So we went back to the shelter to get his paperwork for the phone. He had thrown it out so at this point he didn't know who the provider was, the account number and probably doesn't even know the number. The following morning I called Koodo and was able to confirm the account but couldn't do anything since I'm not on the account and didn't have the pin that he would have created when setting up the account. I called the shelter with the number for Koodo customer support, his cell phone number and explained that he could suspend the service, no charge, with the information from his ID if they could help him do this. I just tried calling the number and got a message that this number is not equipped to receive incoming calls so hopefully they got him to suspend the account. Considering the fact that my hubby and I are currently stuck not being able to move due to his bad credit report. One of them being an unpaid cell phone with the same service provider... I do know that it can have an impact on my son's future if it's not taken care of.

I haven't heard from his case worker from PACT since Tuesday although at this point I don't know how much help she can be as my son is refusing to sign a release for the shelter to talk to her. He doesn't want anything to do with PACT even though it's their psychiatrist that is prescribing him his medications and it's PACT that has arranged for his Clozapine to be paid for by the manufacturer because disability still hasn't agreed to cover it. It's also PACT that picks it up for him and delivers it to him now. I will have to confirm with the shelter but he should have enough for another couple of weeks and he should be ok with his Lithium as well. My hands are somewhat tied with Ready4Life as he refused to sign a release giving them permission to talk to me. So I don't know what is happening with his applications for the two group homes. When his case worker calls me I'm going to try to find out if we can get him moved from that shelter into one in a better neighborhood. The one we wanted didn't have a bed last week but maybe that has changed. Depending on how defiant he wants to be he is making it hard for anyone to assist him.

He seemed ok when we left him on Tuesday. Didn't seem concerned about anything. I hugged him good-bye. I might as well have been hugging a board. No emotion what so ever...

Mom
BarbieBF

Feels like A Hollow Victory

September 1, 2013 was the last time my son was involuntarily admitted to hospital for three weeks for psychosis. One year! That's the longest he has gone since diagnoses in 2011. The significance of this is... Hollow. Do I smile or do I cry? Perhaps a little of both since I'm probably the only one aware of him even reaching this milestone. I told his nurse the other day that this was approaching and her response was less then enthusiastic. So as I smile through my tears I wanted to share this with you... As hollow as it... September 1st did not pass unnoticed, at least not for me.

I don't have to much to report on my son. I haven't talked to him since Saturday. I have tried to call his cell phone several times but it is turned off. I have been in contact with the shelter and am extremely thankful that he did sign the release letting them talk to me or I would be in the dark right now. At this point there has been no communication between PACT and the shelter but I'm hoping this will change over the next couple of days. I did talk to his case worker today and filled her in on what has been happening and where he is. I have talked to the shelter today. I guess there is a lot of connecting that needs to happen between PACT, Ready4Life and the shelter and the services that they have available for my son, IF he wants to take advantage of them. That is the big question at this point. How far is my son willing to go before he is willing to see that there is a problem and that he needs help.

I was asked if I was willing to be involved in family mediation. Yes I am however not under the current circumstances. Until my son is stable and able to see past his own defiance and delusional thinking where I'm concerned I don't see it doing much good but I am available if he wants it. He doesn't want my help, he wants me to let him act like a 10 year old (if that) while treating him like an adult which for him means letting him do whatever he wants, whenever he wants with no consequences to turning my home into a flop house.

There is also some concern about his exposure to drugs. Considering the 2 grams of marijuana I recently got rid of, my son will seek drugs no matter where he is if he wants it and if he has the money to do so. I received a phone call from the police in the area that he is in yesterday. He didn't know the name of the shelter he was staying at so that is why they called me. It appears he tried to buy drugs and the person he gave the money too didn't come back with the drugs so he went to the police. Somewhat amusing if it wasn't so sad. Really, who goes to the police with that? My son apparently. There is also the risk of exposure to other drugs. I cannot be responsible for these choices.

It doesn't appear that there is to much that I can do about the disability money. I think most of it went to this drug dealer so it's kind of a mood point right now. We may have to look into a trustee being appointed as he obviously can't manage his own finances.

Hubby just got home from work as they got rained out so I'm off...

Mom
BarbieBF

Things went South... or North?

I swear this disease or disorder, whatever you want to call it, has a way of flipping things so that you don't know if up is down or left is right or North is South. Confusing right? Sorry I'm being my usual whimsical self.

After my blog post yesterday I happily went in and turned on the shower, thinking I can do this. Boy was I wrong. I ended up interrupting my son's 'private time' if you get my meaning and made him mad. So even though I backed off and walked away it was already too late. His anger took over and in the length of time it took me to walk down the hall, he started punching the wall and I could hear the rage taking over, he was just getting warmed up. Without even thinking I instinctively picked up the phone and called 911. I can't say I'm particularly proud of myself for doing this but I have been here before with my son and it quickly escalates into him threatening me with physical harm. Because I'm mom he thinks that it is ok. The last time my husband was home. This time I was alone and afraid of my son. Not a nice feeling. The 911 operator stayed on the phone with my son until officers arrived which is a good thing because he was telling her how angry he was and that he didn't think he could control it. She got to listen to a tirade of accusations against me. That I was stealing his disability check, controlling my husband to the point that he is afraid to stand up to me and should leave me, that I'm always yelling and that I punch things too... You would have to know me but I have never punched anything, period. I hate violence. He also accused me of discrimination because I told 911 that he has schizophrenia. It was so they would send mental health workers.

They arrived. Not that they were much help. I swear they should really have to learn the systems that they talk about before they talk about them. One of my son's biggest concerns through all this was his money that I was stealing. No matter how many times I explain it to him or even show him his disability stubs he just can't get his mind around it. No one else seems to get it either. So here is his stub for August.

He doesn't pay rent. He is board and lodging which means I cover all of his living expenses. The stub clearly shows that the check dated Aug 29 is for the period Aug 1-31 NOT for September. I have no idea why disability pays board and lodgings this way but they do. As for how much is supposed to come to me for board and lodgings. This is directly from the disability website: http://www.communitylivingontario.ca/

In situations where the individual’s shelter needs and basic needs are met by the same person or persons (for example, where they live with family members or someone else who provides both room and board) the ODSP income support is currently set at a combined amount of $706 per month for a single person.

Personal Needs Allowance (sometimes referred to as a “comfort allowance”) of $119 per month.

I'm not stealing his money because it's not his money. Somehow he gets $126 instead of $119. Perhaps a travel allowance for medical purposes.

I ended up having to give my son back his disability check even though he had already signed it and given it to me and I had already emailed him a transfer of $132. I must say the police officer was extremely helpful in agreeing with my son that that his check was for September (even though I showed him the stub!) and that if he hadn't accepted the email transfer then technically I hadn't given him his money. He was also very helpful in pointing out that even though my son's check was dated for the next day that he could deposit it in a bank machine. Then stated that he didn't want to get in the middle of it... Sorry to late, thanx for the help! So off my son goes with an $832 check! A check according to him last night I have! To bad for me I guess that I was going to put this towards rent...

Of course he downplayed not eating and sleeping. Said that he had taken his medications when he hadn't. He really does have a gift. Maybe he should be in sales? :) They left stating there was nothing that they could do. My son was happy of course because he had gotten what he wanted. His check and support from the officers that I was in the wrong. Part of me really wants to send a letter to the Police letting them know they really should have a clue before they say things that feed into someone's delusions. He came back from his walk that the officer's advised him to do to cool off, quit relaxed. Went to his room, all laid back, smoking, without a care in the world.

I waited until my husband got home from work then started calling shelters. Some numbers that PACT had given me to call. Guess what? Some of them won't tell me if they even have a bed available because it has to be son making the call. The one's that would tell me had no beds. Call back at 9:30 when we do our bed checks. So as usual I found my own resources. Found a shelter that of course wouldn't disclose to me if they have a bed so I put my son on the phone. It's one I had looked up before and deals with youth ages 16-21. They provide meals, school, employment and addiction counselling. Have a public health nurse and support staff. My son got off the phone and said he needed a ride. Waiting for him to get ready was fun as he took forever. At one point I went in to see what he was doing. Looking through his lighters and knickknacks deciding which ones to take. Finally he was ready then asked for his pocket knife back. I don't think I had it in me to argue this with him so went and got the case I had put all of his knives in, gave it to him and asked him to keep them all in there for now. Off we went to the shelter, with the windows rolled down! Found the place and dropped him off. Watched him go in. I managed to breathe through it but man was it hard.

Hubby and I went to get something to eat. I missed a call from the shelter so called them back. It was my son wanting me to come pick up his knives as he can't have them there. I had thought about telling him that this might be a problem when he asked for them but it's not like he would have believed me anyways. He needs to learn for himself that the world has expectations, rules and boundaries. So we drove the 20 minutes back to the shelter to find my son sitting outside waiting. He wanted me to take him to a thrift store so that he could sell his knives! He thinks he can get $300 for knives that all together cost less then $150. I said no, told him to give me the knives and I would put them away where they would be safe, that I didn't drive all the way back there for this. He handed them over and we left, again. I'm still not sure how I managed to not fall apart through all this but I did.

Once we got home I waited as long as I could then called the shelter to see if they would tell me if he was even there or not. Privacy laws you know. Picturing him wondering around a city he didn't know was killing me. I'm still surprised at this but they were going to call me because my son had actually signed a release giving them permission to talk to me! I think I'm still picking my jaw up off the floor! At first he was resistant but then he ate, calmed down and agreed. He ate! I don't even know if I can explain the relief that this phone call gave me. We went over his medications that he had taken with him. Of course he didn't take his Invega. At first there was some concern as his Trazodone bottle was empty and I knew that there should be about 21 of them. I found them dumped out on his dresser. I have no idea what he was thinking when he did this. He told them that he has anxiety, ADHD, OCD and schizophrenia so as is normal for my son, I gave them a heads up that he has a tendency to seek benzos for his anxiety. I was assured that they keep all medications locked up and controlled. So I filled them in on what has been happening for the past couple of weeks. They could tell that something was up but how delayed he was in talking to them. Since he is in a shelter for the first time there are services available to him that they will help him with. I gave them all of his treatment teams information and numbers. I let them know that he has his disability check on him. This is when I found out that according to him I have it. So I explained what happened.

So as hard as all this is I think that South may be North or down may be up. Meaning that he may be able to get the help that he needs where he is now. That what seems like a bad situation may in fact be the best thing for him. He can't blame mom for being controlling when where he is will put even more restrictions on him then I did. They won't let him stay up all night and sleep all day. He won't have control over his medications like he did here. There will be no punching walls just because someone made him mad and he certainly won't have as much privacy there as he did here. Him masturbating won't be a priority for them and it shouldn't be. He will have to learn some self-control. And if things start to go South again then they can get him the help that he needs as they are a part of the system instead of me fighting the system.

My son really does amaze me at times. I tried to check his computer this morning as he tends to write out his thoughts and beliefs in documents on his computer. Yes I want to know what's going on his head. He made sure before he left to disconnect everything from the laptop and log himself out. Of course I don't know the password ;) He is obviously thinking good enough to do this and far from psychotic enough to not do it.

So even though my heart is broken, shredded really, I do believe that I am making the right decision. It certainly helps that so far I have received nothing but support from his treatment team and assurances that as hard as it is I'm making the right decisions. This reality check has been a long time overdue.

Mom
BarbieBF