Glass Houses, Time For A Second Opinion

Hello readers! I have missed you...

Life, as it does, has kept going.

My son is currently in a shelter. He did come home for a little while.

I did manage to arrange a family meeting while he was inpatient. A lot of good that did. I shouldn't say that. His case manager requested that they do a assessment of my son to see what type of life skills he has for living on his own. No surprise there. He doesn't have any. He never has. He can't take care of himself when he is living in an environment when most of his basic needs are being taken care of. His level of self-care is non-existent at this point.

Since there was no where for him to go when it came time for him to be released from the hospital, I brought him home. He certainly wasn't stable, just not in crisis anymore.

It took less the 24 hours for things to start to fall apart. 5 days later he was in a shelter. During that short time it was attitude about everything. Smoking in his room. Sleeping outside on the front steps. Leaving a trail of mess wherever he went including spit and vomit. Swearing at me... It all came to a head when my husband asked him to clean up his mess on the front steps as there was cigarette butts everywhere, garbage and glass dishes that we were worried a kid could get hurt since they play around my front steps. That wasn't taken very well by my son. The end result... Michael throwing my coffee maker on the floor, smashing it and screaming in my face to F-off. The next day I had his nurse take him to the shelter.

For the most part it's been the same as any other shelter stay. Calling me for money and cigarettes. He did receive a payment from disability for almost $600 while in there. That was gone in no time. He told me that he got robbed. I don't believe it. I know what he was like the last time he got robbed. How upset and animated he was about it. This time... Nothing but calm. We did end up buying him 2 cartoons of cigarettes that was gone is just over a week. According to my son they kept disappearing, that someone must be taking them out of his backpack. You would have to see my son with his backpack. It doesn't leave his side. Of course not... I would bet my life on it there is marijuana in it. Actually I don't need to do that as he admitted to me last night that he has some.

There was arrangements being made for him to go into a group home. They were redoing the room so it was taking a little longer for them to paint etc. His nurse went and cleaned him up pretty good for the meeting. I was impressed when I saw him. Sadly he lost his spot. I guess he was acting pretty inappropriate while at this meeting. My son didn't want to go there since he knew arrangements were being made for him to possibly go with his grandmother. He made that pretty clear during the meeting that he didn't want to be there.

The shelter gives first priority to PACT clients. My son was a shoe-in. Normally one has to wait a long time to get into a group home but circumstances arose at just the right time. I remember thinking: Finally. We can start getting him on the right track to growing up and being responsible. I was wrong. Another PACT client got it.

Last week I found out that a plane ticket was in the works.

The conversations regarding this between my husband and I has been... He sounds like I did a year ago. Can't you do this? What if you do that? He can't go there... Did you tell so and so about this? Yes I've done it all. Which is most likely why there was zero assistance coming from anyone on this end to help it happen. No one would even take him to the airport however just like before, no one could stop it. Legally an adult and I don't have power of attorney.

This Monday was a tough day for me. After a weekend of trying to resolve myself to the idea of yet again letting go and letting my son mess up his life even further, I ended up going to the store and buying cigarettes. 3 months... I stood there thinking I can fall apart right now which I'm not inclined to do or smoke. I was also butting heads with my boss and ready to quit for a moment ;).

For the past 24 hours or so I have been struggling with feelings of hurt. I know that I can sometimes sound pretty harsh about my son's grandmother. I'm certainly not in agreement with what she tries to do. Still I have always understood that she thinks she is doing what is best and that her actions are out of love for my son. We just don't agree on what love is ;).

I know that I try to come off like I don't care what other people think of me. Of course I do to a certain extent. I don't change what I'm doing because of it because I truly believe in what I'm doing and why.

I found out how my son was going to get to the airport. His great-uncle. I haven't spoken to this person since I was with my kids Dad. However when we were together we used to hang out with him a lot... I called him and left him a message to please call me before putting my son on a plane. I have been informed that he won't talk to me except to... well anyways. All he knows about me now is what he has been told by my son's grandmother. I can only imagine the horrible person that he thinks that I am. How I'm turning my back on my son, putting him out on the streets and certainly not showing him any love... Yes the thought of someone thinking about me like that, hurts. Surprisingly it hurts a lot. Not much I can do except remind myself that however he sees me is behind the glass of his own glass house.

Yesterday morning I was informed that he wasn't going there. His grandmother had changed her mind.

Now what? I don't know. Again time has been lost where his treatment team could have been looking for housing for him. I saw my son last night. Would I consider taking him back? Yes if there is power of attorney. My son says that power of attorney is against his religion.

This brings me to the second opinion. I want a second opinion on his diagnoses. I know that I have questioned if he has schizophrenia and then I end up falling back on that diagnoses. Still there has always been something that says that there is a lot more going on. When he gets sick he presents as schizophrenic. I had asked his nurse to bring it up to his treatment team to have him re-evaluated. His nurse got turned down. Due to my son's history of diagnoses and referrals etc the schizophrenia diagnoses is staying. That means that one doctor reads another doctors notes, sees my son while he is again presenting with apparent psychosis and nods his head in agreement. Yes, schizophrenia. Let's not question the status-quo.

Here's a what if? What if in 2011 the doctor's in British Colombia knew the extent of my son's marijuana use. The marijuana use that was hidden from them and covered up. The marijuana use that was causing his medications to not work and therefore giving him the diagnoses note of: Medication resistant. The marijuana use that got him the sub-type diagnoses of paranoid schizophrenia. It's always been the marijuana that causes him to be paranoid. When he isn't using the paranoia is gone, the belief in chi, telekinesis and whatever else he used to do before coming to live with me, is also gone. Without marijuana where is his paranoid schizophrenia? Good question.

Since he has been in the shelter I'm pretty sure he is back to daily use again. He is way to mellow. Not a care in the world. He is presenting as someone in psychosis... Takes a long time to answer a question or respond when asked to do something. I was told that the shelter staff have been having to direct him or tell him to not being doing certain things like lying on the floors etc. It's because he is stoned.

I really wish a professional would take the time to help me understand what I'm seeing and put it all into perspective because it's not adding up. As far as I know the defining characteristic of having a psychotic break is losing touch with reality. My son doesn't lose touch with reality. This has always been something that keeps standing out for me. Over the years conversations about his breaks has come up. He remembers all of his breaks, if that is what they are. He remembers his first one where he was catatonic. He heard everyone talking to him and felt them touching him. He was just lost in his own head from the all of the marijuana that he had smoked. The first break I went through with him where he believed he was a vampire, in a gang and chewed on my fingernails. He remembers doing that. When he punched out his grandmother. He remembers all of that. He didn't break with reality. In each of these instances he had been smoking marijuana and having recently stopped taking prescribed amounts of medications or stopped completely. Even if one doesn't have psychosis and stops medications like that then the rebound affect can be psychosis. And yet even with all that my son doesn't break with reality. So many times I will think that he is lost in there. Until you say or do something and realize he is very much aware.

I'm not sure what my son's mental illnesses are... I have some thoughts and ideas and they fit better then schizophrenia. Sadly schizophrenia would probably be the better choice. Since the beginning I have questioned if what I'm seeing is sociopath. That is also in his genes. I questioned narcissism. A lot of the characteristics of his personality that can't be explained or attributed to schizophrenia or even ADHD and ODD can be seen and makes sense if one has narcissistic personality disorder. Could what he is going through be the beginning stages of either one of these? My son is still young. His personality is still developing. I have watched him become more and more adapt at manipulation. I have watched his mood swings and play of emotions when he isn't getting what he wants. Narcissistic are not without emotion. In fact they have lots of them and can be very loving I'm sure when it suites their own purposes. What happens when they aren't getting what they want or what they feel they deserve?

My son just called me. He wants me to come see him today. I was surprised at that request since he knows that I'm not going to give him any money and I dropped of smokes last night. Sometimes he breaks my heart into little pieces. I was watching some teenagers on skateboards last night. My son has missed out on all that. Regardless of what my childhood and life has been, I had playing in the rain, fighting with my best friends, sleep-overs, embarrassing classroom moments, first loves, first break-ups and learning about sex all the wrong ways...

I can't give him his lost childhood. I wish that I could give him his adulthood.

The very same people who are treating me like I'm nothing are the very same people who are leaving me to pick up the pieces time and time again with no support. I find it somewhat ironic. Strike that. I find it very ironic. If I'm such a horrible mother/person who doesn't know how to love or help my son, why am I the one being left to deal with the consequences of other peoples choices yet again?

Time to get some things out of the way before I start work.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I'm alright.

Two blog posts in one week. Don't you feel lucky? ;)

I was talking to my son's case worker at PACT this morning and she asked me if I was alright then commented that I sound stronger then I ever have. Yes I am alright. As matter of fact I'm good for the first time in a long time.

I had my counselling session yesterday with ADAPT. We discussed my job and how I'm handling and balancing everything with my not smoking, my son, my hubby etc. I'm adjusting and settling into a good routine.

My son is a different story. He isn't adjusting. He isn't anything except digging himself deeper into alcohol and therefor schizophrenia.

I found out Monday morning that he had called dial-a-bottle to deliver his alcohol. He did this last Thursday. So he was drinking alcohol in his room, hiding it from me, knowing that I had no clue because he hadn't gone anywhere on his bike. He got 3 bottles, which was gone by Monday morning. He also tried to call them early Monday morning.

He no longer has cell phone service. It's his phone but the service I was paying for. He came to me asking for it back that he wanted to call his Nana. I offered him my phone that he can use that whenever he wants. Did he want my phone to call her? His answer was no. Of course not. He really didn't want it for that reason. He wanted it back to call dial-a-bottle.

I'm not sure why he hasn't gone to the liquor store on his bike yet. He has had money since Monday. He received a direct deposit from the government for around $300. He also discovered money from them on Thursday that he didn't tell me about since it was used for alcohol that he was hiding from me. I'm questioning if the liquor store has refused to serve him. He says no.

I tried talking to him this morning about him going to an addiction treatment center. He doesn't have a problem and it's not impacting his life... The only problem is my problem. My problem is with all my house rules being broken and not being shown any respect.

I called his case worker to find out where his applications for housing are at.

As time goes by and reach new steps in acceptance than I'm more and more reaching a point where I have to acknowledge that I can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. The more I give the more I'm cushioning him from the consequences of his own actions.

However I guess what it really boils down to is where I'm at. I'm in counselling for myself. I have quit smoking. I am now working. Hubby just quit smoking too. He also started a new medication to help with some side affects from his other medications. We are trying to build a life. A good life. A healthy life.

I know my boundaries and I know what is good for me and what isn't. I keep letting them slip and get pushed aside because he is my son and I love him. As I act from a place of love, he acts from a place of addiction. Of self-centered I want and I should be able to have because I want...

Okay...

I'm ready for the next step. I'm ready to accept the consequences of the choices I want to make for my life because I want a better life and I deserve a better life. If my son wants the life that he is choosing then all I can say at this point is ok. Go and get it.

I thought I had more time to write this blog however someone regarding work called and now I have to start work in 10 minutes.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

My Mom's Boyfriend

I have been thinking on this since last night. My son refers to my hubby as "My mom's boyfriend". He is my son's step-dad since hubby and I are common-law. The thing is... He is not just my boyfriend. He is not just my son's step-dad. No disrespect to anyone however my hubby as been there for me, my son and my daughter since he came into our lives, to the best of his ability.

So today I wanted to take the time to acknowledge my husband and all that he is, has been and continues to be for me and my family. He may not always have the patience or understanding that I sometimes expect from him. Really who does?

In September 2012 I decided to leave my job with my hubby's support. In April 2013 I brought my son home with my hubby's support. In July 2014 we drove across Canada for my daughter's grade 12 graduation. Three months ago we decided it was time to move to a bigger place as it looked like my daughter was going to be moving back with me. Of course my daughter has decided not to move and my son is currently in a shelter... So now we are moving into a 3 bedroom town-home and it's just the 2 of us :)

Yesterday evening my son called: Are you bringing me smokes? Without even hesitating my hubby was there to drive me to my son even though he had worked all day. Today he was there to drive me to the shelter for a scheduled meeting. Just like always he is there. He may not have a very good understanding of mental illness but he is trying and he is trying very hard. No matter what it is he says to me: Barb whatever it is you know that I'm behind you 100%. Do what you gotta do... The best part of that is that I know that I can count on him to be true to that.

He may not be my son's biological father however he has been there for over two years now for my son. Yes he finds it hard. We all find it hard. BUT he is willing to try. He is willing to put himself out there emotionally and financially for me, my children and by extension my children's family. It's my husband that is there trying to understand. So much to say however I will leave it at that and just say that he is the one making it all possible.

So thank you to my hubby for being a better husband and step-dad then I could have hoped for! To quote the movie Avatar: "I see you" and I love you for all that you are willing to put up with from me and my children.

Back to my son... I had a fairly nice conversation with a taxi driver today as hubby couldn't come back to get me after the meeting which I will discuss shortly, so I took a cab home. He asked me if I was working in the town he picked me up in? I said no that I didn't work and that I was visiting my son at the shelter because he is there due to mental illness. He asked me what mental illness? I told him schizophrenia and addiction. We actually had a nice conversation about it as he himself used to work in a facility that dealt with mental illness. A very nice man and he wished me good luck when he dropped me off. I thanked him stating I could use some ;)

I did go see my son at the shelter last Saturday and meet with the lady that I had spoken to on the phone. We went over my son's medications a little bit. They don't oversee medication compliancy so my son has been missing some doses here and there. Discussed my son's level of self-care which is pretty non-existent. They may not equipped to handle the support my son seems to need. I didn't put him there... Discussed his need for drug treatment which my son still doesn't want to acknowledge. I had taken him his winter jacket and brought back his other one. He called me later that night. I'm not sure what happened but his roommate accused him of touching his stuff and threatened him. I talked to the shelter the next morning and that guy was no longer there. The person I spoke to was working when my son arrived there so he was aware of my son's case and we talked for a minute about what was going on.

I went to see my son last night and bring him some smokes. Not sure what my son is saying however they were under the impression that my son was without the proper clothing and needed assistance with that. He has winter boots and a dresser full of cloths. He only has... Yes that's because he packed himself and his goal at the time had nothing to do with what he was going to wear but with the opportunity to get high. So I packed a small suitcase this morning with his boots, another pair of jeans, long sleeved shirts and more socks and underwear. Last night he was supposed to have a shower. That didn't happen. It probably won't unless someone 'guides' him into having one.

Today I went to the shelter and meet with my son's case worker from PACT, the lady from Ready4Life and one of the shelter staff. Actually the guy I just spoke about. I wasn't sure how it was going to go with the lady from Ready4Life or how I was going to react to her... but it was fine. We discussed my son's possible housing options. We are all in agreement that he isn't capable of living on his own. He can't see that which makes it harder because they can only do what he will agree to. As far as I can tell the goal is to get him into the group home that better fits him because he can't be in the one that expects him to be out during the day.

I guess the shelter had tried to have my son agree to go to Safe Beds as they can offer more support and oversee medications however as usual for my son he declined. I explained that because my son is not stable that I think he confuses this time in the shelter with September 2014. He put up resistant to getting the right kind of help then too. He turns his back on and puts up road blocks to those trying to help him because right now his addiction is controlling him. He doesn't want support... He wants freedom. One comment he made was the he wants to snort percocets for the rest of his life. Not hard to tell where his thinking is at since he used to snort his Nana's perks.

At least this time we all seem to be on the same page and because we were all together my son didn't put up much resistance to all of us working together to help him achieve his long-term goal of having his own place. It came up about him coming home... That's not an easy question to answer. I would love to have my son come home however the reality is that once he gets it into his head that he wants to use then all of his promises of not being disrespectful or violent and doing chores etc, all go out the window.

We all tried to impress on him that this is the time that he needs to start making the right decisions. He can only stay at this shelter for 30 days. I'm ok with him coming home in between if it's needed however he still needs to participate in making choices that are going to keep him stable. He has it in his head that he doesn't have to worry about it because he will have his own place by then. Or he thinks he will be in British Columbia? Not if I have my say. I can't see him getting the same assistance as last time from the case workers here as they seem to already have a much clearer picture of how my son is acting. It wasn't even me this time that first commented that certain behaviors could be considered manipulative. Yes A++ in that skill ;).

I think the short-term goal is to get him into Safe Beds as they are much better equipped to deal with my son's issues. He did agree to have Safe Beds oversee his medications as I guess they are in the same building. It's a start. I did on several occasions speak to my son and try to get him to pay attention. I can't say I like it when people talk to him and he is obviously not paying attention to them and they keep talking... So I step in and get his attention and repeat what they had to say in words then I think will make sense to him. I asked him what he plans on doing if it comes to the point of his 30 days being up there and he doesn't have housing in place because he is not going back to BC. I had to repeat that scenario twice which is fine because that means he was listening. He seemed less resistant to Safe Beds after that and agreed to them overseeing his medications.

Whether we can get him into some sort of drug treatment is still up in the air. The lady from Ready4Life will be contacting ADAPT which is for addiction services. Maybe they can help to teach him how addiction is controlling his live. He doesn't see it as a problem. I explained to him that if his need to use is affecting his life and choices then it is a problem. Someone doesn't have to be drunk all the time or high all the time to have an addiction problem. If it changes who they are then it's a problem and my son's need/want to use changes who he is and how he acts. Also it furthers his schizophrenia which keeps him unstable.

Not sure exactly what is happening with disability. They still haven't called me back however my son says he is getting a check direct deposited next week. They did process him a drug benefits card which PACT has so they are now taking care of ordering and getting his medications.

Poor hubby... He is getting off of work, taking me to get my son smokes which is a 20 minute drive each way and then he may have to go work his second job of snow plowing.

Oh... Did you see that my blog got accepted here: Mental Health Writer's Guild. My Facebook page reached 500 likes yesterday. Ya me!

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support & Facebook Page

Yesterday hubby and I did go for dinner together. I'm glad that we did. Sometimes it feels really good to get out and spend some one on one time with my hubby that isn't centered around grocery shopping, doctor's appointments or errands. Around 7 PM my son asks: Are you making dinner? No...

His case worker was here today and discussed with him what support meant. Asked him when the last time was that he went grocery shopping by himself? Never. Does he know how to grocery shop or what to look for? He knows what he likes to eat. Does he have any bills that he pays? No. Does he cook meals? No. Does he know how to use public transit? Yes (if there is drugs or alcohol involved lol). Does he do his own laundry? Yes (still not done from two weeks ago). Does he shower regularly? When it gets bad enough (when I insist). Does he know what medications he is taking or prescribed? Yes Invega (and Olanzapine). Does he know the doses? No. Does he take them on his own? Yes (I remind him sometimes/usually).

His case worker had him call and leave a message with the lady from housing support stating that he now understands what support means and that he is willing to accept it. I stayed out of the conversation as much as I could so that I didn't trigger any defiance in him. :)

Yesterday I was informed that his psychiatrist had discontinued his Trazodone prescription. Today I asked his case worker why because even though me may not take it often, sometimes it is needed and it's a PRN anyways... Apparently his nurse had advised his psychiatrist that he wasn't taking it so that is why. Good logic! If he stops taking his Invega would they stop prescribing that too?! Geesh! His case worker said she would let them know that he does take it sometimes.

You may want to hold onto something... My son just did the dishes! I think I'm smiling like an idiot, on the inside anyways. As much as I would like to make a big deal of this I know that it's not a good idea. Sometimes it can be taken as belittling or condescending and with my son it usually gives him the ok to not do anything else... I did say a very nice thank you! Think I'm going to go outside for a cigarette so I can smile like an idiot for a minute! Be right back...

Remember the calendars that I said I was going to print yesterday? Well I printed some for this month and next month. I noted what days he is supposed to cook, do dishes and clean the toilet. Today is the day for dishes. Of course he isn't looking at them on his own. Baby steps right? I pointed out to him that today is dishes day. No movement to do them... A little while later I reminded him again. He asked what was for dinner and if it could be the salmon I took out yesterday. I did buy it because he said he likes salmon. I told him we were having salmon but I wasn't going to start dinner until he did the dishes and that it would be better for him to do them before I made more dirty. If he didn't do the dishes then I wouldn't cook dinner and I would go out instead. He said this wasn't fair. I asked if he had any money? No. When he does then we will discuss fair.

Shortly after he got up to do the dishes asking for help as he had no idea how. I helped him get started and he did them! Soap suds galore! :) I'm also making honey roasted carrots for dinner since he really likes them too! Wish me luck on the salmon as I think this is my first attempt at making it.

I decided to start a Facebook page. I sometimes feel like I may be over posting mental health posts on my normal news feed. I started one before but I never gave it much of a chance. With this page I can post to my hearts content! Also I can't post news articles etc here so I feel like I'm missing out on passing on information that someone may find useful.

If you are interested then this is the page: Facebook Page: Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey

I was thinking about reminding my son, again, about his laundry but I think I will leave that until tomorrow. He is playing games etc today for the first time in probably over a week.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

What's my issue?

Apparently it's reality...

My son received his phone call this morning from the housing lady. It's housing for those who need mental and physical support or help. According to my son he requires no help - just a place to live. Oh and help cooking...

Based on this phone conversation the lady called his case worker at PACT and let her know that they will not be putting him on any wait-lists due to what he had to say during the phone interview. I was asked if he knew what support meant? I replied: I guess not...

I tried to discuss this with my son. Tried... and failed.

I pointed out that he doesn't know how to cook, clean, pay bills, grocery shop or even take care of his personal hygiene. He doesn't brush his teeth unless I tell him too. He goes way to long in between showers. He has needed to do laundry for two weeks. BUT he doesn't need support?! I didn't even mention schizophrenia and/or medication management. How can they possibly help him if he won't acknowledge that he needs the support/help that they are there for? They can't. They can't be responsible for putting him into an environment that he can't handle or won't ask for the help and assistance to handle it.

Somehow he got it into his head that he would be getting housing. Which apparently isn't true. So the lady from housing lied to his case worker who is lying to me? My son: Yes, my case worker is lying.

Is my son being delusional? I think he is very much in denial, by choice. Plus he is used to no one calling him out on his lies and manipulations. I'm the only one that appears to do so.

I'm well aware what is motivating his want to even move out. Perhaps that had a part to play as well. I heard him tell the lady on the phone that he doesn't like the rules here of no drugs and alcohol and that he wants to be able to bring home a bottle of wine every now and then. To the trained ear that said a lot. He doesn't care about paying bills or grocery shopping. He cares about having the freedom to get drunk and/or high when he wants.

I'm pretty sure in his eyes he doesn't even have to worry because once he spends all of his money on alcohol and marijuana he will just pick of his cell phone (that I'm paying for) and start calling his Dad and Nana or even his sister (she's working now!) and start asking for money. That's the only time he calls anyone is when he wants something.

Yes I have an issue... I don't know what to do now. I believe my son needs a reality check. He needs to face reality. He needs to acknowledge his own limitations and what his real goals and motivations are.

Where does this leave us? I don't know...

I think tonight hubby and I are going to go out for dinner. Forget thinking about it. We are! There is lots of things here to eat and honestly he can fend for himself for change. He should be happy I'm not doing what I was thinking about doing and making him get his own internet. Wait he can't... He has no income! What is he currently doing with what little money he does have? Buying and scratching scratch tickets. Hoping to win big I'm guessing ;)

He did win a little and went to get more. I didn't respond when he asked: Mom. Can you scratch them for me? His tone was very... whinny, childlike and manipulative. What's up with that?

I do have to print some blank calendars. I have been meaning to do that since my son blames me for him not doing the three chores a week that he agreed to do. I'm not reminding him and I should put in on a calendar for him. Ok, done!

ADHD Tip: How to Organize Your Family and Household

His case worker is coming by tomorrow morning. Maybe she will have more luck talking some sense into him.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Addiction-Go-Round

I just realized today that a lot of pictures have been removed from some of my past blog posts. My apologies. I think when I updated my profile to a blogger profile, it removed the pictures as I no longer had rights to them? I'm guessing :) I no longer have a lot of them however I did try to re-add where I could.

We did go to Red Lobster for dinner yesterday for my son's birthday. His first question: Can I have a real (alcoholic) Caesar? Even if I pay for it myself? No, not unless you want to sit at another table which would defy the point of us taking you out for your birthday.

It was a pretty quiet meal. My son due to symptoms and/or alcohol he may have already been drinking yesterday, was a little spacey. Slow to respond and had a hard time deciding and remembering his dinner choices. My husband asked him earlier in the day if he had been drinking already today as I guess he reeked of alcohol and my son replied: Yes. I don't know what to think unless he is hiding it in his room however I did a quick check yesterday and couldn't find it. Usually if he is hiding it outside the apartment then he is in and out a lot! but he hasn't been. Unless he finished it yesterday morning... Or I just didn't find it. *sigh*

Shortly after coming back from the restaurant my son was in bed, said he felt sick. I suggested he take an Olanzapine that night to counteract the alcohol and agreed that he looked sick as the alcohol and a missed dose of Invega was probably causing some psychosis. His typical response of: It appears that way and of course he later refused to take an Olanzapine.

I'm glad I got the pill case. Now I just peek in it and I can see what he didn't take. Right now he is only taking the Invega and a Melatonin at bed time. Thankfully he is sleeping as I'm pretty sure if we added no sleep to the mix right now he wouldn't be in a very good spot. He is also eating so that is a good thing.

He did get up and come out to watch a movie with us. Well set in the living room with us ;) When he is like this he doesn't watch TV even though he says he is. Twenty plus minutes into watching something and him saying something like: What are we watching? Is a pretty good sign that he has been in la-la land for the past twenty plus minutes.

A lot of lying around, doing nothing. Just lying there staring off into space or being in his own head space as I call it. He starts to play a game but it doesn't last long. Laughing out loud for no apparent reason is happening off and on. He is going to his room and closing the door... Ack! I was thinking he was doing 'private time' but perhaps I should be looking harder for the alcohol. *face palm* He is usually much longer when it's private time!

Today he asked me to call PACT for him as he wants his psychiatrist to prescribe a benzo. According to him it's been awhile since he abused them so they should be willing to try again. Hmmm. Because what we are seeing happening right now, missed meds and alcohol abuse, is an indication that things have changed? And he hasn't abused them because they haven't been prescribed. I reminded him that PACT's number is on his phone and that benzos are not allowed in the home so if he wants them then he will have to deal with PACT coming to administer them daily. Quit amazing how this little bit of information seems to stop him from trying to get them. If he really wanted them for the right reasons then PACT administering them wouldn't be the end of it.

He has been up for over five hours and I think has only gone out for two cigarettes. That's not a good sign. His smoking habits can be an indication of where he is at.

He has a telephone interview or intake session tomorrow morning with someone from either Ready4Life and/or one of the housing applications he did. It was the same number as the previous lady who worked for Ready4Life. I almost didn't answer the phone thinking it was here ;) It was another lady. I don't think he did an application for Ready4Life this time so they must be connected.

He still won't do his laundry but I did get him to cut his fingernails before going to Red Lobster. Toenails he put up resistance :(

Mark this on your calendar for January 28! Bell Let's Talk

Still no word on disability. While I'm not counting on his room and board money it would certainly come in handy! Juggling which credit payments to make priority isn't fun ;) Yet at the same time the thought of him having access to more money right now. *shudder*

I don't know if he is doing this just to push my buttons which is quit possible however he has started talking about smoking crack-cocaine, that he needs/wants to. He has no idea what a crack high is to even want it. Expensive as all get out is what it is and it only lasts for thirty seconds! Honestly if it was put in front of me today I don't think I would have any problems flushing it. So yah he is most likely trying to push my buttons. I haven't said much about the alcohol and I haven't been bugging him about taking his medications so his ODD is probably chomping at the bit to start an argument over something. Since he is cycling between addiction and symptoms then he probably has some pent up energy that needs a release. I will do my best to not be a scapegoat! Pray for me! :)

Mom
BarbieBF

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I'm bored. Can I go to sleep now?

Things have been quiet since Tuesday. My son's Nvidia Shield Portable gaming system arrived yesterday morning. It's a birthday present his dad and I split on. He was surprised and happy that it arrived so quickly as I had been cautioning him that it would take time for it to reach us. Once he asked if we could drive to some city in MN to pick up. Not realizing that MN was not a part of Canada but is a state in the USA.

He enjoyed the tablet that my sister dropped off for him for a little while. I think he already has the memory full since he was asking about a memory card two nights ago. I noticed this on his cell phone too that the memory is almost full of downloaded games and apps that he just doesn't use or play.

When the Nvidia system arrived I remember thinking to myself: How long until he starts asking about money so that he can buy games for it even though there are lots of free ones that he could download. I was thinking it would take a couple of hours but it only took about thirty  minutes. I nicely said no to giving him money, that he will have to wait and reminded him that no matter how many games he pays for he usually ends up back playing the free ones like MapleStory, RuneScape and I think Minecraft are some of them.

As of last night or this morning he said that he had downloaded about twelve games, only played two?

Today he is bored... He has a top of the line gaming laptop to use, a tablet and now the Nvidia gaming system and he is bored. I think we are finding ourselves in that in-between stage. His positive schizophrenia symptoms are not entertaining him anymore as they must be pretty much gone. I haven't seen/heard him laughing for no reason at voices or thoughts like he was. I think it's good that he is bored as in my eyes it's an indication of his mind being quieter. I asked him today if he was feeling ok as it's fairly easy to tell that he is experiencing something. He is lethargic or sluggish. Tired, slow and inactive. He just knows that he is 'bored' and doesn't want to play his games. I explained to him that this could be negative symptoms of schizophrenia. He asked if negative was like hearing voices? No. Positive and negative mean more and less not good and bad. If it's something more then someone like me would experience then it's positive, like hearing voices. Not being motivated to do things that we enjoy is a negative as it takes away. At this point he asked if he could go to sleep now?

I know that he is taking his medication however I know this because I have been reminding him to take them for the past two nights. Two days ago he asked about sleeping on the sofa as he wanted to get a good nights sleep. He is not getting good sleeps because he is not using the medications that he has available to help with quieting his mind at night. I reminded him that he has Trazodone, Olanzapine and Melatonin to help him go to sleep. If he used all of them he would be knocked out pretty good and get a really good nights sleep. That night he took Trazodone, Melatonin and perhaps an Olanzapine however did not take his Invega. I had to wake him to take it. He insisted that he had taken it however his Invega is being brought to him in blister packs as free samples right now and none of the blisters had been opened so he couldn't have taken one. I did get him to take it. I don't know if he got confused between the Olanzapine and the Invega or was just confused since I did wake him. Maybe I should go back to counting pills? When I woke him up he was covered in sweat. This may be from taking two Melatonin which can cause vivid dreams without taking the Invega. Really I don't know...

Last night I only gave him one Melatonin. It was 11:30 or 12 when I went in his room and he was in bed yet hadn't taken any of his medications. He said he was going to... Then asked me to get them for him which I did. 12:45 he was out for a smoke, banging around. I'm not sure what to do about this late night stuff as he is keeping everyone awake and it's not good for him either. He did get up by 10 this morning which is good but now he is in bed...

Due to the excessive sweating two nights ago he is in need of a shower again. He also needs to finish doing his laundry. He knows that he needs to have a shower and says that he wants too...

He is eating good so that's a plus. Speaking of food... I decided to start another blog! BarbieBF's Kitchen. Don't judge it (or shake your head at me ;)) as it's a mess and I'm still not to sure how I want it set up. My goal, I think, is to try to condense what research I have done on nutrition, diet, supplements and mental illness. To perhaps help others to try to put together meals that can hopefully minimize some of the symptoms of schizophrenia as well as keeping ourselves, the caregivers, healthy and strong. Also easy meals that don't require a lot of prepping as I know a lot of caregivers are not just working in the home but outside the home as well. I have been kicking the idea around for a bit but it's just not coming together... Yet.

Still no news on disability. His worker was returning some of my calls but hasn't returned the last two! On another note my son is now in collections for I think $400 and $600 for the two cell phone accounts that he didn't pay. Mom what can I do about it? He can't pay them. Hopefully in about seven years he will be in a place that a credit score will matter. If not then at least I may have some security in knowing that another company shouldn't let him access anymore credit. He did receive a call yesterday that his application for housing was received.

Mom
BarbieBF

Another waiting game

I think it's just a matter of time before my son is inpatient again.

He has been off the Lithium for five days and off Trazodone for four days and it's been four days since his Invega shot was due. He has been taken his Olanzapine at night.

I don't know why or what instigated him just asking me this however he just asked me if I still had his knives. He hasn't asked or spoken about them since September so I'm pretty leery about why he is asking for them now. It honestly sucks when you don't know if you should be afraid of your own son or not. I tense when he walks behind me. *breathe* He is cutting his Trazodone pills into four pieces, he said it is so that he doesn't take too much. I said no to having his knives. His response was that I need to compensate him for them. Consider them compensation for the plane tickets and everything else that I have been paying for for the past month or so. The standard, default answer to kick him out... I told him that I wasn't going to have that conversation so he replied that maybe he should take away my computer.

So here I am, not saying anything because to respond or try to be rational with him at this point is pretty useless. I think my nerves are shot. For the past three days? he has been doing very little. I don't know why, if he is doing it on purpose or not, however I can hear him breathing from across the room. Or wheezing may be a better word, breathing through his nose. Yes it's my nerves, because seriously, listening to it is very much getting on them. I think I made the mistake of asking him one day if he was doing it on purpose. If it bothers me my son is will do it...

Another mistake I may have made was try to discuss with him why he wanted to go off the Lithium. Since he lives with me I know how much time he spends masturbating which he very much likes to do and I have noticed that since on the Invega Sustenna that it had basically stopped (a possible side-affect). So I asked him if the reason he wanted off the Lithium was because he thought that it might be causing this even though he has been on it for two years with no issue. I told him that it's the not Lithium causing this, that is was probably the Invega. Yah, not that smart of me. Granted it may not have made a difference one way or the other as once my son gets it in his head to do something there doesn't appear to be anything I can do to stop him.

Yesterday I walked by his room and he was masturbating with his door open. I think he was at it for a good twenty minutes. Other then to watch porn he has not been on the laptop for probably a week now.

If you were to ask my son how he is doing? He would say good, that he has been relaxing, watching TV and going to bed reasonably. The truth is a bit different. If he is sitting/lying in the living room with the TV on than he will say that he is watching TV. He isn't. Ask him what he is watching or what it is about? I only have basic cable now and the weather channel can't be that entertaining for hours at a time ;) Relaxing... Heavy breathing while he is lost in his own head-space as I call it. Going to bed... Sometime between 1-3 when I get up and interrupt him 'relaxing' or ask him to go to bed. It took me about three days to get him in the shower as it had been over two weeks. Finally succeeded as with hubby's help we made it shower day for everyone!

He is eating dinner and snacking so that is good. He hasn't lost his appetite although I can see it starting to slip some. I can tell based on the number of messes that I'm having to pick up. Putting the water jug back in the fridge or anything else after using it is not currently a part of his reality. I did tell him yesterday that if he has the energy to masturbate for twenty minutes then he should have enough energy to pick up a piece of garbage. Considering the amount of 'exercise' he can get doing this, he should be doing all the heavy lifting around here ;)

I just had a conversation with him about the conversation that I had with his Nana last. I had no idea that he has apparently been calling her for weeks about going out there, that there is a lot of yelling going on here and that he doesn't like my hubby... According to my son he hasn't been saying any of this. He did acknowledge that being able to masturbate may be why he wanted off the medications that he does like to do it. He doesn't want to be sick however he does want to do this and he does like psychosis.

I had talked to him on Tuesday about the fact that I had been accepted for the townhouse. Yah! And that I didn't think that I wanted him to move with me under the current circumstance. I went over the contract that he signed with me stating that he has not been doing anything that he agreed on. It was my fault for not reminding him or making him do these things and that he has his own problems to deal with. When I asked what those problems were I got told that they were none of my business. The conversation pretty much ended there.

Like I just told my son, if he wants to be psychotic that is his choice. He still has to accept responsibility for his own life, his schizophrenia and the choices that he is making. I'm not going to pretend like it's not there or that he is not being delusional in his thinking or that the road he is choosing to go down is one that I will support. I will not support him manipulating me or his Nana and causing conflicts between us that are not helping anyone including him. He wants to run away and bury himself in marijuana and/or alcohol. Last night he wanted to go to his friends. I checked his messages this morning and they had been discussing having a couple of beers. One message was: About the drinking thing did you mean tonight? Marijuana has usually been a part of these scenarios.

Again he asked about me not taking my portion of his disability check when he gets it. How is he supposed to get his own place without money? First he has to put forth an effort to get a place. Why would I agree to hand him over money for a place to live when he isn't even trying to find one? We all know where that money well go. Besides if he goes into a group home than disability will pay the group home directly so he won't have to worry about it. He needs to work with PACT and disability to make this happen.

His case worker should be here shortly. She apparently has oral Invega for him. Maybe if he had this 2-3 weeks ago we wouldn't be here? That could be wishful thinking on my part :). Not sure who is paying for them however I told her that I can't. She has been in contact with disability and is giving them a hard time about the drug card. My son said that he will discuss medications with her when she arrives. Guess where he is again? ;)

It looks like we have bought a car! Did I tell you that the motor is going, again, in our car? I had to transfer $1300 from my line of credit today to pay for the car and it's safety etc. Our rent will be going up over $400 a month plus heat which is electric. My son said to me yesterday: Since you are moving and will have more money can you buy me a plane ticket? Hrm... Laugh, cry... anxiety meds!? :) I took a sleeping pill the night before last and it did nothing. Last night I took another which I don't usually do as they can be very addicting but I slept for over four hours! Score one for me :)

His case worker just left. He has agreed to 'try' the oral Invega but will stop them if he doesn't think they are working. He is ok with the side affects of not taking or going off medications cold turkey. She gave him a one week supply of samples so hopefully by next week the disability/drug card thing will be straightened out. He tried to tell her that his Nana is buying him a plane ticket so that he doesn't have to be in a shelter again. Grrr... I'm not sending him to a shelter right now. It's not an all or nothing situation or at least it shouldn't be. I said no that Nana is not buying him a ticket right now. He then agreed to sign forms for a group home. It's ridiculous that he thinks well enough to play on Nana's emotions like this yet can't think to put away a water jug. I asked her to check into the one that has less restrictions and he doesn't have to be out Mon-Fri 9-?. Still onsite support every day just not 24/7.

I guess I should go and perhaps message his friend since my son just brought up going over there to drink. He deserves it... I told him that alcohol and marijuana well probably have him in the hospital by Saturday. It's a sin for me to put him in the hospital you know? I'm not putting him in the hospital, he is putting himself there so he needs to discuss this sin with himself!

Mom
BarbieBF

Contract, housing applications & symptoms

My son's case worker was here yesterday. Several things about that meeting are bothering me. As I stated in my last post I had spent some time looking up, printing and filling out housing applications for my son as he wanted me to do. When his case worker arrived and we started going over the applications she asked me if he was officially diagnosed with ADHD as I noted it as a secondary diagnoses along with addiction. Official? I don't know. Obvious? Yes. Why try him on Adderall, an ADHD medication, if one didn't believe that he had it? I guess if the medication worked then his psychiatrist could say: Yes he has ADHD. It triggered psychosis instead. Hmmm... So all the people diagnosed with schizophrenia who's medications are NOT working are not schizophrenic? It's diagnosed by symptoms not the success rate of medications. Wouldn't the same mindset apply to ADHD? Apparently not. Watch my son's leg go a mile a minute and tell me he is not ADHD... Another item was self-harm. Yes my son has superficially self-harmed in 2011. Apparently it's not schizophrenics but people with personality disorders that self-harm. Ahem... Please read some forums. It may not be common but it does happen. I have personal experience with someone who self-harmed. I didn't know about it, at all, and I saw this person daily. Like someone who self-harms is going to do it in obvious spots that show or tell someone that they are doing it? No, it's done in hidden places like inner thighs, under the arm and even on the torso and they certainly don't voluntarily show it to their treatment team as the shame is too great. When it's done in more obvious places then it's long sleeved shirts and no shorts in the middle of the summer or lots and lots of bracelets that cover up the wrists. Unless looking for the signs is someone going to spot this seeing someone once a week or once a month for 10-30 minutes? If not aware it's even possible will someone even think to look for the signs?

Honestly I sometimes feel so mad at professionals who have their blinders on and refuse to see or do the appropriate research into the conditions they are treating and medications they are prescribing. I don't blame my son's treatment team (maybe I do) however I think they need to be more responsible. My son was prescribed Adderall despite the warnings regarding previous psychosis and addiction. Sometimes they will only prescribe small amounts at a time due to addiction. Does anyone know the mindset of an addict? Unfortunately I do. Some will abuse the medication for a week then go the three weeks without, because they know that in three weeks they can have that high again. They have something to look forward to. Really what are weekend warriors? They are users that work all week just to let lose and use on the weekend. The week of suffering and withdrawal is worth it knowing that the weekend is coming. When I discuss drug seeking characteristics with respect to Neurontin/Gabapentin then it's no, that medication doesn't do that. Again read the forums, there are lots of them, with statements like: Taking Gaba and smoking a joint will get you super high...  It amplifies the affect of the alcohol or drug. Honestly forget what the manufacturer says... They aren't the ones abusing it (hopefully ;)). Gaba has the same addiction risk as Aspirin... Right, because no one has ever gotten addicted to Aspirin! (sarcasm) I was actually reading an article the other day on a new concurrent disorder treatment facility in a neighboring district, that treats mental illness and addiction concurrently or at the same time. They had to get rid of un-monitored hand sanitizer because alcoholics were drinking it. Cough syrup! I learned in a recovery class how common it is for alcoholics to relapse because they got sick and drank cough syrup which triggered them. Apparently some forms of NyQuil is 25% alcohol! That's alcohol. What about drug addiction? We are prescribing medications that are triggering drug seeking behavior, because the manufacturer doesn't say it can do this, and dealing with the consequences. Consequences however that professionals, in my not so humble opinion, are ignoring or lack the knowledge or insight to see. Another article I read yesterday was discussing the fact that even though the risk for prescribing benzodiazepines increases with age that seniors are STILL being prescribed them at a higher rate. Sad isn't it?

They want to keep him on the Invega injection which I understand but it's not working. That's another rant ;) I did just call PACT and left a message stating that it looks like the Invega may be wearing off again and it hasn't even been two weeks. He has been doing a lot of just lying around, doing nothing. Never a good sign with my son. I'm also noticing that him laughing, for no apparent reason, seems to be getting more frequent again. I want to be pro-active instead of waiting another week, when he sees his case worker again, and preferable before the weekend. Catch 22 on this one is that we still don't have his disability or drug card straightened out and considering how much the Invega shot is, the oral form is probably just as expensive. *sigh*

Back to his case workers visit that certainly didn't go according to plan. He ended up having attitude about signing the housing applications which started because he didn't think that the level of support that he needs from these agencies is high but should be low. Tried to explain this meant that he would get more help but no... He doesn't want more help. He refused to sign the group home application as he wants his own room. The group home gives him his own room. He doesn't want someone monitoring his medications, a memory of us discussing group homes in August I guess, so it's to late and he is already in defiant mode. When I pointed this out he tells me not to use that word anymore. He gets mad and tries to put of walls to what I'm saying since he can't defend against it any other way. He decides not to sign anything, that he will do it on his own by contacting the government on his own. We explained that these forms (not the group home one but the other two) are him contacting the government asking for assistance for low income housing. He finally relented and signed one of the forms that is applying for housing where 3-7 people share a townhouse. Still refused to sign the other application through another agency for the same type of housing. He can certainly be a conundrum as he is putting up roadblocks to getting what he says he wants. His case worker also tried to talk to him about that fact that he needs to show that he is capable of living on his own before PACT will put him into a living environment that he can't handle. Forms are being filled out that quit frankly state that he is not even capable of taking care of his hygiene without assistance not alone do grocery shopping, cook or clean. A group home is a stepping stone in this goal of his to be independent. Honestly what am I saying... He doesn't want to be independent, he wants no rules and the freedom to get high and drunk whenever he wants.

Since this visit didn't go to well I decided to do something else. I did up a Room & Board Contract between my son and I (and hubby). I think I covered anything that I could think of that has been or could be an issue between us regarding expectations. It outlines what his room and board payments cover and what he is responsible for. Respect, Privacy, Noise, Cooking, Cleaning, Drugs & Alcohol among other things have been spelled out in the contract. One day a week he has to cook dinner, do the dishes and help clean the bathroom (toilet). I let him pick which day he wanted to do these things. He picked Monday for cooking a meal, Wednesday or Thursday for doing the dishes and Friday for cleaning the toilet. He wanted to pick an 'or day' for cleaning the toilet and I said no, it's a 3 minute job. We both signed it and I gave him his own copy. Today he is supposed to clean the toilet... I didn't stipulate by what time... my bad. Haha! Sometimes I get lucky... I asked him what time and he picked 3... then picked 4... I asked why the change? He is going to be thinking about it until then anyways so 4 would be the latest that he could think about it. I'm pretty sure this is an ADHD type of thinking as it's like over-thinking yet without the action because his thoughts and nervous system are not on the same level of stimulation. I said that I didn't get it, why spend hours thinking about something when he could just get up and do it and then it is done and over with... I didn't faint... He said ok I'll do it now. I told him what to do and he did it! Score one for mom! I'm curious to see how many of these things he will do before he starts asking to be paid for doing chores. I did put stipulations in the contract stating that room & board doesn't cover candies, goodies, energy drinks etc unless previously approved. Not because I won't ever get him any but because if I let him he makes it a daily thing and he does need to start learning limits. Once he does take that step out into the real world there will be limits, expectation and rules that he will have to learn to manage and deal with. Poor kid has been getting a lot of no's lately however I can't do it all.

Maybe I will go into my rant/concerns about Invega considering the conversation I just had with my son. I asked him what is happening with his schizophrenia or thoughts considering what I have been seeing for the past two days. He says he doesn't have the want to do things like play his games. He doesn't have the want because his schizophrenia is getting in the way of him doing the things in this reality that bring him enjoyment. He told me that he has an entity standing in front of him and he wants to be able to tell me about him. We ended up discussing words like sacrament and sacrilege that I had to look up the definition for and explain to him that he is misusing words or making up meanings for them which is his schizophrenia. He shouldn't be sacrementing or killing entities. He shouldn't be dealing with them at all if he can't understand that they are not real and a manifestation of his brain producing too much dopamine. He wants to smoke marijuana and get high. I can understand that since his symptoms are acting up and getting high will ease them and give him a break from his voices or audio/visual hallucinations. If he is seeing entities than he is experiencing visual hallucinations. He seems surprisingly accepting of my explanations at the moment that it is his schizophrenia, not real and that we may need to up his antipsychotics to get rid of them before they start to irritate him. Preferable today before it gets bad enough that he may need to be admitted again. If he is admitted again then chances are he will be inpatient for at least 3 weeks which we don't want happening. It's different to have this type of conversation with my son and to have him be open and not deny that what he is experiencing could be schizophrenia. Hopefully we can get this under control before he loses this insight to symptoms. I have left another message with PACT stating this conversation and that regardless of drug benefits, I will pay for a weeks supply of medications, today, as they are needed. On a side note he did drink vodka last night :( Yah, I know. The vodka that he told me he was throwing out early last week... I guess not. I really should have gone looking for it but I have looked before and couldn't find it. I think he only had one or two shots then threw it out. This time I found the bottle in the garbage so I know he did. Side affect to this... He missed taking his Lithium and Trazodone last night and was resistant to going to bed in his own bed. I think he is learning or finding out that vodka is not helping him but making things worse, at least I hope he is. How many times he will have to test that theory? I don't want to know the answer to that. He did take his Lithium when he got up this morning so we are good for getting his medications into him. My concerns with the Invega shot... I like the Invega. He is not getting enough of it which will translate into break through symptoms which will further non-compliance as once insight goes it is gone and takes a lot of work to get it back. Having break through symptoms that can be avoided will only make keeping his dopamine under control all the more difficult.

I think talking about it may have helped my son, for now anyways, as he is now playing the Wii u!

Mom
BarbieBF

Can you be my friend? Can I have...?

That was a short lived... Hubby and I went to get my son from the shelter that night after he called me asking to come home. He had called his Nana and she told him to call me, apologize and for him to come home, so he did. I was actually pleasantly surprised when I got to the shelter. It's a different one then the one he went to last time and a lot nicer! It is in an industrial area, therefore not a bad neighbourhood. The grounds were clean and even though I only went in a small ways, I could see a fairly big living area with lots of sofas, a TV and computers. It was decorated for Christmas. He said that the food was great as he had lunch and dinner there. The people that I did see hanging around were certainly a different type then what I say at the last shelter and for the better. Good to know in case we are ever in need of a shelter again that this one would definitely be the one to go to. I did ask him before we left if coming home was what he wanted as I wanted him to be aware that he was making a choice and I didn't want him to do it just because he was told to. He paused for a moment and said yes I want to come home.

I didn't talk to him much that night as by the time we got home it was after 8:30 so bed time for hubby and I. I did ask him if he was craving marijuana and he said yes but not bad. I asked if this whole shelter thing was so that he could find a way to use marijuana as honestly I'm still trying to figure all this out and what his motivation was. He said no. I asked if he could explain what it was then because I don't understand. His anger got the best of him. He was mad at me because I expected him to do what I asked without giving him a chance to do it. Hmm not quit accurate. When I ask him to do something several times with anywhere from 10-60 minutes in between asking... He also stated that I should be more lenient as his mom. I really can't be more lenient without treating him like he is 5 and has a physical disability that makes him incapable of moving. Anyways I'm done being lenient and I told him so. If he can act appropriately at a shelter, which he can, then he act appropriately at home by picking up after himself and being on a sensible sleep schedule. I'm so horrible aren't I? (sarcasm) We agreed on him being in bed by 12 and up by 10. Deja vu! as we have made that agreement before.

Yesterday I set up some alarms on his cell phone to go off when it's time for him to take his medications and when it's time to get up. Yesterday even though I started trying to get him up before 10, I had no luck until almost 11 when I stated that if he didn't get up he wouldn't get the internet back. He got up right away! Shortly after he got up I'm being asked if I'm his friend? Can I be his friend? I told him I will always be his mom first before I'm his friend. Next it was asking me if I would give our neighbour permission to give him marijuana. His idea of being a friend... He can think to plot out a conversation leading up to this type of manipulation but can't pick up his own garbage?!

The last two days have been mostly him asking for things. Money for the store. A trip for cigarettes even though he still has over a carton. A new pen with different colors from Staples. Netflix. I don't remember the other things. Recently I upgraded his World of Warcraft and paid for the monthly subscription and he's been playing Maple Story, a free online game! Speaking of, I need to cancel that subscription. I guess he is now already bored with the new Wii u. Actually I might play it once I'm done this post as I enjoyed one of the games I played while trying to set it up :) I swear I could give him the world on a silver platter and he would still ask for and expect something else. I know that he is having trouble and yesterday I tried to talk to him and explain that what he is feeling is a result of his schizophrenia not being under control. He wants marijuana and he wants me to agree to him having it as a way to deal with his anxiety and stress. I explained that if we do that then we are just treating part of the problem since masking his anxiety and stress is not managing or treating the schizophrenia that is causing it. I asked him how much brain damage he is willing to cause himself by taking this route, that this last break has done damage and it was obvious that it had, which he agreed. I will not agree to marijuana under any circumstances while he is living with me. If you ever need to wonder what motivates my son on occasion (frequently) to want to move, get away from me and this place... I'm pretty sure this is the main reason. Freedom. Freedom to spend his first paycheck (disability) as he calls it on marijuana and get as high as he can with no one to stop him or interfere.

Last night another conversation regarding the fact that he wants/needs more money and this world is messed up if people have to work to get what they want and aren't going to hand him whatever he wants. He wanted me to agree to not take my portion of his next two disability payments. I don't think so. I'm already supporting him with no income and paying for his medications. The bank is closed :) Then it was that he may move back to British Columbia. I didn't even comment or respond to that one. Really what's the point. Nothing I say or do at the moment will be good enough unless it's to give him whatever he wants and to pat him on the head while I walk around behind him picking up his messes and putting him to bed which I did last night at 1.

This morning he actually got up when his alarm went off at 10. He had asked my husband last night if he could take him for a drive today and that was the first thing he asked when got up. Amazing how well his memory works isn't it? ;) Yet it took me 3 or 4 times of asking to get him to pick up his garbage off the coffee table from last night and clean up the mess he made on the kitchen counter. I keep reminding myself to keep my cool and try my best to ignore this type of behaviour as if I ask him to do something and don't turn away or expect him to do it right away, he will purposely sit down and not do it. I'm serious lol I have watched as I sometimes ask him while his already standing up and standing beside the garbage. He will sit down and say: ya ok, in a minute... 15 minutes later when I start to ask again, he cuts me off before I can even get the words out. Tell me that's not defiance at it's best! I remind him that according to him he doesn't do it because I do it and I'm not picking up after him anymore so therefore he needs to be the one doing it.

It's frustrating that he keeps using me being mom as the reason why he doesn't want to do anything yet expects me to give him the freedom of a 20 year old while expecting me to treat him like he is 5. I'm not stopping him from taking this freedom. I spent about 2-3 hours this morning printing and filling out housing forms and applications. Covering a range of services including group homes, shared living and geared to income apartments. He thinks because his Nana got an apartment for $300 then he should be able to as well. I tried to explain that these types of services are 30% of your income not a set dollar amount and he will need to pay for groceries, utilities himself. He wants me doing it and not his case worker from PACT even though I explained that these forms are by referral from professionals, which I am not. So ya back to being defiant about accepting PACT's help. Probably because I told him that I want him interacting with them more even if it's only to go for a coffee and talk. I really do sometimes think that doing something that I want him to do without it being a fight or hassle just might kill him :) I filled out what I could for the forms and left the professional parts blank for his case worker. I was pretty truthful on the forms and I'm hoping it doesn't have a negative result as there was questions regarding violence (verbal & physical) and a history of property damage. Unfortunately the answers are yes.

I'm off to play some Wii...

Mom
BarbieBF

Hospitals - Good or Bad, Pat Deegan PhD

If you read my last post... I guess I jinxed it! My son has started saying no taking a multi-vitamin. So much for knocking on wood ;) I will keep trying of course!

His case worker was here this morning with some paper work to sign. One was giving them access to help take care of his medications for him by switching pharmacies to the one they use. That way they can be more on top of them and deliver them to him.

She also had paperwork for some group homes and other types of housing. I knew this was coming and I've been somewhat at war with myself on which way to go. I certainly don't want my son and I butting heads as we have in the past and I do believe that he needs to eventually make this step however I decided that for right now, he is not ready. The group home will have expectations that I don't think he can meet right now. The better one will expect him to participate in activities outside of the home during the day which will be great when he reaches the point of being able to go to school or work but right now it will be too much for him. Other housing types involve shared living which I'm sure my son would think is great until it comes time for him to do his share of the chores etc ;) Again something that needs to happen but not while he is still getting his feet back under him. I let him know that for now we are putting this on hold and he was in agreement.

He asked me something either last night or the night before about going to the hospital. First he said he wanted to go for a check up and I let him know that I could arrange this with the family doctor if he feels that he needs one and he said yes. I haven't arranged it as upon further discussion this is not what he meant. He wanted to go and just be there for a couple of days to rest. It's sad that our health care system is so overburdened that the opportunity for someone to check themselves 'for a rest' is not really an option. I reminded him that it doesn't work that way and that he usually ends up in emergency for days until a bed opens up which is not where he wants to be. If that option was available though I would have gladly taken him. I'm actually happy that he considers this to be an option. I remember him telling me after his hospitalization here in September 2013 that he would like to come back and 'visit for a rest' sometime. I don't know what his future holds however hospitals are probably going to be a part of the rest of his life and he needs to feel like they are a safe place to go when needed.

This question got me thinking. I know that on the outside looking in that the conditions one finds oneself while inpatient is not usually ideal. You aren't checking into a 5 star hotel. It's more like a bottom of the line fast food chain... However when you are hungry and it is taking care of your needs then even a fast food chain has it's purposes. Sometimes the good out-ways the bad. I remember when my daughter was in the hospital for back surgery... For days she went through agony because the nursing staff seriously didn't have a clue. Certainly not ideal however it was still the best place for her. Like I said this question got me thinking. There is a lady named Patricia Deegan who has a PhD in psychology and is a researcher. She is also diagnosed with schizophrenia. While watching one of her videos she said something that stuck with me. It was along the lines of not just taking medications or just going to the hospital but using medications and using the hospital. I don't know why but this spoke volumes to me of taking an active, not passive approach to treatment. Of using what is available to ones benefit. Granted my son is far from this, yet, however the hospital needs to feel like a safe place for him and I'm glad that it does.

Some links for Patricia Deegan PhD.

Pat Deegan

Patricia Deegan's amazing story (video)

Mom
BarbieBF