I will start with my son... He is good. Still smoking too much marijuana and drinking too much. Not to sure what it will take to change that. We pick him up from his Nanna's on Sunday after church and after he is done work and he spends the night. He works 2 days a week and is taking his medications. I am grateful for the mental health system as he is still under it and therefor medication compliant which as far as I can see what is keeping him stable.
Hubby and I go to church every Sunday. Slowly I am taking on some of the responsibility of church media. I am rediscovering my relationship with God. In all honesty it may be the only relationship that is making much sense to me right now and helping me to deal with the ones that aren't making any sense.
Hubby and I seem up and down on a daily basis. More down then up... I don't know what is happening with him and there is a part of me that doesn't want to figure it out anymore.
As I try to learn some scripture and how to walk in life following his teachings... I'm trying to learn how to take myself, or my emotions, out of the picture as it's usually our emotions that confuse things. His are all over the place and normally negative. So as I try to keep myself in a place of calm I find myself having to pull away. Not a good thing I guess when it's your marriage however it's that or we are both negative and I no longer want to be a part of living life in such a way.
Part of rediscovering my relationship with God is learning to have faith and trust in his ability to take care of things. I, of course, am have trouble with that as I'm a bit of a control freak when it comes to having control over the things I'm expected to be responsible for. However therein also lies the answer. I am not responsible for.... anything except my own-self and reactions.
Then there is my relationship with my daughter, her hubby and their son. I think my daughter and I are both experiencing adjustment issues and even at times regret. Or maybe it's just me... It's hard to tell as there is so much I can't say to her. That's not true... I can however her reactions are generally pretty strong. I struggle with understanding that as it seems that others can say so much more to her with less reaction yet I've been the one that has always been the most understanding and non-judgmental. Perhaps that in itself is the problem. I really don't know anymore.
So I find myself yet again trying to take myself out of the equation. Well how do I do that when we are all sharing the same home. It's tough. There is so much that I see that I am so disappointed to see. Trust me I don't expect to see them being the perfect parents as none of us are and as grandparents we generally get the opportunity to try to do better then we did as parents. However there are still minimum expectations that one should have of being sober parents and I don't see them.
Which brings me to recovery. I am now 4 months clean from drugs. That has been the easiest if you can believe that. My cravings are usually dependent on what is happening around me emotionally. Which is also why I find myself pulling away from a lot. I know that I have probably disappointed my daughter in that I have not been attending recovery meetings with her. I thought that it would be something that I would need however it's not as addiction is the least of my concerns. Also I have been through it all before and regardless of using or not, most of the steps are how I've tried to live my life for a long time. It's just not something that I feel that I need right now.
Recovery for me is so much more then just not using. It's changing the way you think, act and react. It's taking responsibility for your own actions and choices.
One day I made a comment to my hubby regarding how many cigarettes I was smoking. I told him that as long as he put them in front of me, I would smoke them. I did the same thing with cocaine. For months I blamed my addiction on him. I couldn't get clean because he was bringing it home... He stopped bringing it home once I took responsibility for my own actions and made the choice to no longer have it in my life, period.
As to what I see here... My own opinion of course. I see people living an addicts life, sober. Meaning not much is changing with respect to taking responsibility for one's actions and trying to be better. How do I tell my daughter and hubby, nicely, that it's like they are in competition on who can be the worst... That because one does wrong it doesn't mean the other does wrong too. In the end it's my grandson that is losing and honestly it is driving me nuts.
I have seriously questioned my decision to be here in the last 3 months. I have come to terms with that and I am glad that I came. It's just the day to day dealings that I do struggle with. I moved her not to room and board and share a whole house but to rent a separate basement suite. That hasn't worked out so well so far. My kitchen is the laundry room. So basically I have a barely functioning kitchen and so far little has been done to correct that.
I do however have new floors in my living room. The house has fleas and we have been trying really hard to get rid of them as my own cat has herself chewed raw. Treating the cats is not enough when they are still in the home so we have been ripping up all the old carpets. Hubby took out the ones in our living room and his room. Yes we still have our own room ;). My daughter's hubby then laid some hardwood floor in my living room. On this I would say hubby and I were both impressed. He is really good at what he does and did a really good job. They have now started ripping up the carpets upstairs as well.
I babysit my grandson... My daughter started work a couple of months ago which I'm very proud of her. While taking care of him is a joy that I am so grateful to have in my life it is also hard at times. Most of the time I don't even know day to day if I'm babysitting. While I want them to be able to rely on me to be there I also don't want to be taken for granted and just assume that whenever they need, I'm there, with no warning.
I'm off for now. Time to make a fresh coffee...
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