Loss and Life Changes

It's been a month of changes that are still in the process of happening.

A month ago we lost my son-in-law to an unfortunate accident which set the wheels in motion for a lot of changes for all of us.

I am no longer Nanny to my grandson as he is now in daycare. He has adjusted wonderfully to the change. It's taking me a little more time however I'm getting there.

My daughter is about to start a new journey of being on her own, in her own place. She is also expecting a little girl in February. I'm going to have a granddaughter!

Hubby and I had to make some difficult choices on what to do next as we were in a bit of bind on where to go. Financially it was a pretty bad year for us so we didn't appear to have many options or resources available to us. With some nudging on my hubby's part we looked into the idea of buying a year round trailer to live in. With God's help and a lot of praying we got financing for a used fifth wheel RV.

Hubby applied for his pension just over a month ago and we are currently waiting for that to start paying. Praying we get the paperwork in the mail soon so that we have an income coming in. I'm looking into going back to work so that hubby doesn't have to. The next month will be a bit of juggling until things get straightened out.

The church that we belong to has been a great source of strength and help. Sometimes it's hard to not feel alone however with my faith in God and the people from church coming together in our time of need, it has been an uplifting experience of hope.

The next week or so will be us going through everything we own as we have to downsize a lot. The RV is fully furnished with not a lot of storage space so it's time to 'clean house'.

My son is doing great. I sometimes smile at the realization that he is the least of my concerns and handling his own life pretty good. He's being med compliant and even following through on his own with making calls etc to get his blood work done. I warned him last night that he may not want to visit me next week as I probably won't have any internet. He still wants to come.

I would have to check the date however I'm a year clean sometime this month! Yah me!

Until next time...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The five long languages and self-love.

I find myself sitting here and thinking about what happens when we allow ourselves to become as sick as the people around us.

At one point I was pretty much living and breathing schizophrenia in my quest to help my son. Everything I did was with him in mind and I ended up needing antidepressants myself.

Whether it's mental health or physical health, it's so easy to let ourselves become our environment.

Yesterday was hubby's birthday and two weeks before that was mine... Needless to say it hasn't been a better year with respect to these dates then it has been in the past. I can't recall when the last time was that we shared any of these important dates on a good note. Perhaps we never have. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Mother's Day... All seem to become.... Well worse than any other day.

I have to ask myself why?

My journey of self-discovery with Christianity is teaching me to look at myself first. Even if I don't want to, I find myself expecting more during these times. Expecting my hubby to put others first. To me more precise, to put me first. I really do know better however feelings sadly to not care what is logical. So everytime I set myself up for hurt.

Really the fault is mine. I shouldn't expect more on any given day. I shouldn't put my hopes in other people's actions. I know where my hope should be... Where my longing for love should be. It's not with Man. It's with God. I know He is the only one that can fill that emptiness. Still not as easy as that. I wish it was. That's where expectations tend to mess things up.

I have recently learned about the five love languages. While we receive and give love using all five: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and physical touch, we tend to appreciate one or more of these more then the others.

Hubby and I actually discussed these a little bit one day and are now more aware of what each others are. You would think that would help us.... It only helps when one is willing to look outside oneself.

I did a self-test and discovered I seem to be in a three-way tie with words of affirmation, acts of service and quality time. Still I know that my main one is acts of service. It's how I show everyone that I love them, by doing things for them. Words have very little meaning to me when actions are not there to support the words. It's certainly not physical touch since I tend to shy away for physical contact. My hubby's is most likely physical touch. I've always known that to some degree. So even when we are not getting along I still hold his hand when we are out because if I don't... Things just keep going downhill.

So it's expectations that like I said, mess things up. Now that he knows my love language... Nothing has changed.

The fault is with me, expecting things to chance.

Physically and mentally that puts me in a situation where I am allowing someone else to have control over my health. Because I want hubby to show me that he loves me by doing something... anything. Make a healthy dinner. Keep his word. The list can go on. I get unhealthy. I wait for someone else to take care of me and I get disappointed when it doesn't happen.

It's a cycle I need to break. I know what I need and I know how to take care of myself. I know when I'm doing these things for myself that I feel so much better. Physically and mentally.

Time for me to do my exercises and eat before I get my grandson for the day.

To all the caregivers out there: Take care of yourself. Take the time to eat right and find some me-time to do something that is selfishly for yourself only.

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

6 months clean. Now what? Praying.

On the 17th I was clean from drugs for 6 months. As I'm sure I've said before, being clean is actually the easiest thing in my life right now. Living in a drug free environment I'm sure plays a big part.

Would that one day I could say that my son had some clean time under his belt. The last time he was here he again mentioned living with us. I don't really know exactly what the plan is or who is doing what however it seems that his dad is helping him to save to get his own place as the group home he is living in is closing. While my son is looking forward to this change, I am not. I have no idea who is going to be responsible for his medications, him taking them, or who is going to have control over his money. The condition for him living with me is that I have power of attorney. Trust me the last thing I want is to have control over his money and medications however given that we know what is capable of happening when he is sick, we can't have that around my grandson.

My son smokes a lot of marijuana. The last time he was here he actually didn't smoke a lot on the first night. What a difference. It was like having my son here. I know there are a lot of benefits to marijuana however not if one has psychosis. I certainly wish the world or those who advocate for it understood the damage it does to someone predisposed to psychosis. It's not a one size fits all. My son doesn't smoke too much then get all cuddly and get the munchies. He loses contact with this world in a bad way.

I've thought about calling his dad and asking what the plan is.... Given past experience I'm not sure it would do much good. I would probably get accused of meddling and/or get a lot of: I don't knows....

A couple of weeks ago my hubby left to go back to where we moved from last year, for work. He didn't leave in a good way and I wasn't a part of the decision to go. In fact I've had to make it known that we didn't break up. Not that it didn't feel like it at the time.

I've been reading a book called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. His website: Gary Thomas
I can honestly say that I love this book. The hard part is that the more it shows me how a marriage could be, the more it shows me how lacking my own marriage is. Don't get me wrong, my marriage is something I can't even imagine myself walking away from. I have a lot of work ahead of me. Not just as a wife but as a newly born Christian woman.

I think I have finally gotten rid of most of the fleas on my cats. At least I haven't found any on them in the last week. Knock on wood. Apparently vinegar kills and repels them so I've started mopping my floors with it. It's also not harmful to the cats like most store bought household cleaners so bonus.

Here where I'm living, it seems like spring has finally sprung! Can't say the same for where hubby is. Karma ;) I know... not really nice of me but what can I say... I've been trying to get into the habit of getting myself and my grandson outside for a bit during the day now to enjoy the nice weather.

I also need to start getting healthy again and lose a little weight. All my 'big' cloths are now my tight cloths. Not that I'm complaining as it's part of the recovery process. Having gone so long without getting the right nutrition or even enough to eat due to using, I have to give my body a break and rebuild some stamina. Still it's time....

I had other things on my mind to B about... However I will leave them in my head where they belong. Actually I will give them God, where they belong. Just another step in the process of learning to let go. Now I'm learning to: Let go and let God.

I'm also working on something that I thought I had a good handle on and that's unconditional love. When it comes to my children and most of the world, it's easy. When it comes to my hubby, not so much. It's harder when you have expectations of someone that you consider to by half of yourself and therefore half as capable.

Bye for now....

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Relationships, Church, Recovery and live goes on.

I will start with my son... He is good. Still smoking too much marijuana and drinking too much. Not to sure what it will take to change that. We pick him up from his Nanna's on Sunday after church and after he is done work and he spends the night. He works 2 days a week and is taking his medications. I am grateful for the mental health system as he is still under it and therefor medication compliant which as far as I can see what is keeping him stable.

Hubby and I go to church every Sunday. Slowly I am taking on some of the responsibility of church media. I am rediscovering my relationship with God. In all honesty it may be the only relationship that is making much sense to me right now and helping me to deal with the ones that aren't making any sense.

Hubby and I seem up and down on a daily basis. More down then up... I don't know what is happening with him and there is a part of me that doesn't want to figure it out anymore.

As I try to learn some scripture and how to walk in life following his teachings... I'm trying to learn how to take myself, or my emotions, out of the picture as it's usually our emotions that confuse things. His are all over the place and normally negative. So as I try to keep myself in a place of calm I find myself having to pull away. Not a good thing I guess when it's your marriage however it's that or we are both negative and I no longer want to be a part of living life in such a way.

Part of rediscovering my relationship with God is learning to have faith and trust in his ability to take care of things. I, of course, am have trouble with that as I'm a bit of a control freak when it comes to having control over the things I'm expected to be responsible for. However therein also lies the answer. I am not responsible for.... anything except my own-self and reactions.

Then there is my relationship with my daughter, her hubby and their son. I think my daughter and I are both experiencing adjustment issues and even at times regret. Or maybe it's just me... It's hard to tell as there is so much I can't say to her. That's not true... I can however her reactions are generally pretty strong. I struggle with understanding that as it seems that others can say so much more to her with less reaction yet I've been the one that has always been the most understanding and non-judgmental. Perhaps that in itself is the problem. I really don't know anymore.

So I find myself yet again trying to take myself out of the equation. Well how do I do that when we are all sharing the same home. It's tough. There is so much that I see that I am so disappointed to see. Trust me I don't expect to see them being the perfect parents as none of us are and as grandparents we generally get the opportunity to try to do better then we did as parents. However there are still minimum expectations that one should have of being sober parents and I don't see them.

Which brings me to recovery. I am now 4 months clean from drugs. That has been the easiest if you can believe that. My cravings are usually dependent on what is happening around me emotionally. Which is also why I find myself pulling away from a lot. I know that I have probably disappointed my daughter in that I have not been attending recovery meetings with her. I thought that it would be something that I would need however it's not as addiction is the least of my concerns. Also I have been through it all before and regardless of using or not, most of the steps are how I've tried to live my life for a long time. It's just not something that I feel that I need right now.

Recovery for me is so much more then just not using. It's changing the way you think, act and react. It's taking responsibility for your own actions and choices.

One day I made a comment to my hubby regarding how many cigarettes I was smoking. I told him that as long as he put them in front of me, I would smoke them. I did the same thing with cocaine. For months I blamed my addiction on him. I couldn't get clean because he was bringing it home... He stopped bringing it home once I took responsibility for my own actions and made the choice to no longer have it in my life, period.

As to what I see here... My own opinion of course. I see people living an addicts life, sober. Meaning not much is changing with respect to taking responsibility for one's actions and trying to be better. How do I tell my daughter and hubby, nicely, that it's like they are in competition on who can be the worst... That because one does wrong it doesn't mean the other does wrong too. In the end it's my grandson that is losing and honestly it is driving me nuts.

I have seriously questioned my decision to be here in the last 3 months. I have come to terms with that and I am glad that I came. It's just the day to day dealings that I do struggle with. I moved her not to room and board and share a whole house but to rent a separate basement suite. That hasn't worked out so well so far. My kitchen is the laundry room. So basically I have a barely functioning kitchen and so far little has been done to correct that.

I do however have new floors in my living room. The house has fleas and we have been trying really hard to get rid of them as my own cat has herself chewed raw. Treating the cats is not enough when they are still in the home so we have been ripping up all the old carpets. Hubby took out the ones in our living room and his room. Yes we still have our own room ;). My daughter's hubby then laid some hardwood floor in my living room. On this I would say hubby and I were both impressed. He is really good at what he does and did a really good job. They have now started ripping up the carpets upstairs as well.

I babysit my grandson... My daughter started work a couple of months ago which I'm very proud of her. While taking care of him is a joy that I am so grateful to have in my life it is also hard at times. Most of the time I don't even know day to day if I'm babysitting. While I want them to be able to rely on me to be there I also don't want to be taken for granted and just assume that whenever they need, I'm there, with no warning.

I'm off for now. Time to make a fresh coffee...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

This circus has 2 Ringleaders

I think I'm just going to have to accept that my life is never going to be without it's complications.

A couple of days ago I meet with my counselor from the ADAPT program for addiction.

Without going into all the dirty details... I found out that my husband and daughter were using drugs together. I found out that my husband didn't go and stay clean 4 years ago like I thought he did. I found out that everyone but me knew that he was using and helped him and my daughter to keep it from me.  I know right... 3 months later and yeah it still hurts big time. However it is getting better.

Some may be thinking: leave him, kick him out....

Whether you believe addiction is a disease or not, it's not something that I believe in turning my back on family for. After-all I'm an addict too and well I ended up relapsing too. Sad yes I know. Basically 15 years clean of my drug of choice and I'm back struggling with urges that I thought were long in my past.

So even if I did leave my husband. That still leaves my daughter. Like the title says: This circus has 2 Ringleaders: Senior is my husband, Junior is my daughter. It also has an 11 month old baby that needs his family.

I understand addiction, which helps, however it's not helping me with my feelings of betrayal, hurt and of course the anger. Honestly thinking back I couldn't have coped without something. Using helped me to be able to think about it all without completely losing it. In hindsight I guess a prescription of Valium or Perks would have been the more logical choice or at least the choice that wouldn't have ended up with my daughter making the choice to put her son in foster care.

Still I find myself not regretting the choice to use with my husband. Amidst all the rest, jealousy reared it's ugly head. Jealousy that my daughter had a relationship with my husband that I wasn't a part of or even understood. Using comes with a certain amount of intimacy. An intimacy that my husband and I had long lost. Now I know why but for the past say two years I couldn't understand what was happening or why.

As with any addiction it's progressive. As time was going by the family unit was dying. There was no family time of watching our TV shows like we used to during the week after dinner. No spending the weekends together. Everyone was busy... I was home, with the baby most of the time, being 'the curtain'. The person that was helping to present to the rest of the world and The Children's Aid Society the happy, stable, functioning lie that everything was ok.

What happened when I joined that circus? It seems I became the bad guy for a lot of people. Everyone was ok with me being in the dark and being lied to. Not so much ok with me letting the curtain fall and all hell break lose. Well tough shit I say!

I'm done being everyone else's pillar or curtain or justification for any of their choices.

So many emotions I'm still struggling with. So many times I have heard from different people since I found out that they are so happy that I now know because they didn't like lying to me. Really! Great, thanks! Now that everyone else is absolved of feeling any guilt over their actions... Yes I still sometimes wonder how they can look me in the face at all. Like I said I understand addiction but that doesn't really help that much. The lying and manipulations are a choice and don't have to be a part of using.

There are so many things from the past couple of years that at the time I was so utterly confused and frustrated about because I couldn't understand what was going on. It was all just making me feel like a failure... Nothing I was doing was right or helping or fixing what I could see was falling apart but like I said: didn't know why.

So many situations that have been tainted with the truth of it all. One being my wedding. I'm pretty sure they all feel pretty good about the fact that they were all apparently without drugs on my special day. Not saying much for the rest of the trip or the fact that my husband and his brother couldn't seem to get it together enough to even dress themselves properly. I can now think about that day and look at pictures and still feel some form of happiness that it was my wedding day. I still love my wedding dress!

I finally got around to tidying up my basement and starting a new puzzle. I love doing puzzles. Our basement walls are covered in the puzzles we have as a family done together... unfortunately I was the only straight one doing them. For a bit I couldn't look at them without wanting to take them all down. The puzzle I started is a new one that has nothing to do with the past. My own form of therapy.

There are more... I've asked my counselor with ways to cope with the short term feelings of hurt and anger that overcome me when certain things come to light. We will discuss these next week. As time goes by there will be more situations that will make sense now that I have a clue.

From the start my daughter has said to me: How could you have not know? You had blinders on. I say: No, not really. One can't see what one doesn't know. How could I know the difference between my husband or her for that matter, using and not using if they were never clean?

Now I'm working on getting some structure back into my own life. Getting back into using my stepper and exercising. I started back doing my inside sales job a couple of days ago. Eating right, sleeping right. Back on my anti-depressants.

Most of all, wanting to find a way to get my grandson back with family, however that might look like. My daughter is currently living in a dry-group home. Which means they monitor for drugs and alcohol. Baby-daddy is currently living with me. Another complicated situation. Visitation at the moment is one day a week at my place and one day a week with my daughter at the group home. The times should go up with each passing week as long as we all stay clean.

Not sure how all that is going to play out. My daughter needs to be in her own place in order to get her son back full time. Or back here but she seems pretty determined that my place is not a safe place. I say: bullshit! How safe my place is, is on her own choices and always have been. She will have to make the same choices here or on her own when it comes to using. But for the moment these are not my choices to make. I'm really hoping that given the time her and baby-daddy will get their son back.

Now for some good news! My son is doing really good. I guess just over a month ago, he was transferred to a group home. Yes a big step. A lot more freedom however still with structure when it comes to taking his medications. He calls me once or twice a week. Usually just to talk about what is going on with his laptop and the games that he is playing.

Time for a fresh cup of coffee and my Facebook games!

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Today's word is stupidity

I just spent about half an hour reading 'stupid quotes' on Pinterest. I must say I feel much better now ;) I can't say that I was having a very good morning... really it started last night when I found a bottle of alcohol in my son's room. Add hormones and a husband...

I don't usually use words like stupid or idiot but sometimes...



Friday night my son decides to bike to the liquor store. He didn't even have to ask how to get there. Amazing what he can do when he wants to do it. Hubby and I made it very clear, no alcohol in the house or on the property. Obviously that went in one ear and out the other. First he hid it behind something that is part of the complexes property. After finding one bottle in his room last night, I found another bottle under my back steps this morning. I threw it out. Last night it's how unfair it is that he can't drink here. Really?! How unfair is it to me and my husband to have alcohol in the home when we have fought to become alcohol free and sober? For some who likes to throw around the respect word, he has little to know understanding of it. His soul is 11 trillion years old... A soul that old should have better common sense shouldn't it?

This morning he is asking for my help on looking up places to live on Kijiji (online classifieds). Thank you to the person that gave him that bright idea. He is looking up places in a different city that is part of a different district and therefore a whole different treatment team. But what does he care? He doesn't because his only concern is the ability to drink and smoke marijuana. And smoke in his room as now that's unfair too that he can't.

I was out this morning/afternoon when he got up and when I got home I got him his medications. I asked him who would make sure he takes his pills when he is living on his own? A little while ago he asked me what is for dinner. I don't know... Is it just me that sees this glaring, dare I say stupid opinion that he can live on his own?

Lets move on to hubby... Today he went and got the 3rd cable box since we have moved into the townhouse. Apparently the fact that we are not getting APTN and YTV is of grave concerns to someone. I assure you it's not me because I can do without cable. Between my son who we had already butted heads over this morning and my hormones, I decided staying home while hubby went out was the best option. I'm packing up the cable box and he tells me to pack up the remote too as they were giving us another box. Earlier he had told me that were giving him an older box as they seem to be more reliable. I tell him that the remote works with both boxes as we didn't exchange it last time. Apparently I don't listen. I didn't clarify that the remote is a universal remote... What was the point. He was to busy trying to tell me how he was getting a Motorola box. Ok... Off he goes.



He comes back to say that he didn't need to get a new remote (ahem) but they gave him one anyways. Great. You are sinking it to the TV since the old remote already was. Well you didn't tell me about that... No apparently I was to busy not listening...



There are some days where I truly want to lose it, just a little bit. I almost went with hubby, not because I wanted to but because I knew he wanted me to. Also if I don't handle saying no to going in a 'nice' way then he gets upset. I actually had my coat on... Then stopped myself thinking what the heck? Tough if everyone else is not ok because I'm not ok. Guess what? I'm not ok right now.

My son has barely been back home a week and already the 'honeymoon' phase is pretty much over. I want... I deserve... What rules? Promises and agreements?

I was hoping that I would be able to stay on the lowest dose of Venlafaxine... Will see. Guess what is due today which certainly isn't helping. Today I had a hot-flash combined I guess with not eating enough on the Venlafaxine which had me feeling like crap. Before I started using tinctures and supplements for my menstrual/menopause symptoms, my cycles were getting pretty tough. However for the past 2 years they have been really good. If today is an indication then I guess it's time to up the tinctures and supplements.

I sometimes think that I don't need the whole 'knight in shining armor on a white horse' routine BUT maybe a Page? A knight in training? Someone that could put aside their own feelings, issues or whatnot and be my pillar for a change. Don't get me wrong. I love my hubby and he has his good points. Unfortunately one of them is not the ability to handle my emotions.

Someday's I can't believe how alone I can feel. Just me, sitting here trying to figure out how to stop my son from running off that cliff. I see him running for it and I can't stop him. Addiction, schizophrenia... Whatever. Today my word is stupidity and I'm sticking with it...

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Home again, home again, jiggety jig.

Yes my boy is home again...

Last night he called asking to come home. Earlier in the day I had spoken to his case worker from PACT about bringing him home so when he called I went with it. I agreed under the conditions that he participate with ADAPT for drug treatment and that we have to get the money thing straightened out with disability. Shortly after the shelter called to confirm what my son was saying about me picking him up. It turns out the lady at the shelter had given him a 'talking to' about what he was doing and how living with mom seemed like the best option for him.

When we picked him up and got into the car my son commented that one good thing came from him being at the shelter and that was realizing that living with me was the best place for him. Hubby and I just replied that we were glad something good came out of it. I'm thinking this was a reflection of what the shelter lady had said to him...

He did receive a payment from disability on Friday. This was concerning a lot of us as my son doesn't understand that people can take advantage of him for his money and if left for too long he could get himself into some serious trouble. He did buy an iPod yesterday and today hubby and I took him for cigarettes and to buy some stuff for his room. He paid for a TV and part of a futon while I paid for a computer chair in exchange for his tablet. Hopefully this will help cure him of sleeping on the sofa since he now has one in his room.

The first thing I had him do last night was have a shower. Today he put the corduroys back on and I told him to change ;) Last night he feel asleep on the sofa... I woke him up at 1 to go to bed and he ended up being awake all night. Hopefully he will sleep good tonight. I told him last night that he is not on enough antipsychotics and that I can see the psychosis on his face. He seems to have a lot of voices so I will see about making the Olanzapine a nightly medication. The Invega is good for other things but doesn't seem to touch the voices. He is now on an antidepressant, Citalopram/Celexa which he says helps him.

He seems happy to be home. He likes the new place. I'm happy he is home. I didn't realize how much I missed hearing: Mom... He also bought a new computer game today that I can hear him playing.

Me, I'm feeling somewhat dragged out. I think it's the Venlafaxine. I noticed today when we were out driving I was able to NOT comment on my hubby's minor 'road rage' which I usually can't resist doing so I'm guessing that's the Venlafaxine working. Hubby has been great today about driving my son around and helping to set it up stuff. Let me just say that futons are a biatch to set up!

Hubby had to go move some snow so I think I'm going to figure out the tablet and doing some reading on the Kindle app.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

My Mom's Boyfriend

I have been thinking on this since last night. My son refers to my hubby as "My mom's boyfriend". He is my son's step-dad since hubby and I are common-law. The thing is... He is not just my boyfriend. He is not just my son's step-dad. No disrespect to anyone however my hubby as been there for me, my son and my daughter since he came into our lives, to the best of his ability.

So today I wanted to take the time to acknowledge my husband and all that he is, has been and continues to be for me and my family. He may not always have the patience or understanding that I sometimes expect from him. Really who does?

In September 2012 I decided to leave my job with my hubby's support. In April 2013 I brought my son home with my hubby's support. In July 2014 we drove across Canada for my daughter's grade 12 graduation. Three months ago we decided it was time to move to a bigger place as it looked like my daughter was going to be moving back with me. Of course my daughter has decided not to move and my son is currently in a shelter... So now we are moving into a 3 bedroom town-home and it's just the 2 of us :)

Yesterday evening my son called: Are you bringing me smokes? Without even hesitating my hubby was there to drive me to my son even though he had worked all day. Today he was there to drive me to the shelter for a scheduled meeting. Just like always he is there. He may not have a very good understanding of mental illness but he is trying and he is trying very hard. No matter what it is he says to me: Barb whatever it is you know that I'm behind you 100%. Do what you gotta do... The best part of that is that I know that I can count on him to be true to that.

He may not be my son's biological father however he has been there for over two years now for my son. Yes he finds it hard. We all find it hard. BUT he is willing to try. He is willing to put himself out there emotionally and financially for me, my children and by extension my children's family. It's my husband that is there trying to understand. So much to say however I will leave it at that and just say that he is the one making it all possible.

So thank you to my hubby for being a better husband and step-dad then I could have hoped for! To quote the movie Avatar: "I see you" and I love you for all that you are willing to put up with from me and my children.

Back to my son... I had a fairly nice conversation with a taxi driver today as hubby couldn't come back to get me after the meeting which I will discuss shortly, so I took a cab home. He asked me if I was working in the town he picked me up in? I said no that I didn't work and that I was visiting my son at the shelter because he is there due to mental illness. He asked me what mental illness? I told him schizophrenia and addiction. We actually had a nice conversation about it as he himself used to work in a facility that dealt with mental illness. A very nice man and he wished me good luck when he dropped me off. I thanked him stating I could use some ;)

I did go see my son at the shelter last Saturday and meet with the lady that I had spoken to on the phone. We went over my son's medications a little bit. They don't oversee medication compliancy so my son has been missing some doses here and there. Discussed my son's level of self-care which is pretty non-existent. They may not equipped to handle the support my son seems to need. I didn't put him there... Discussed his need for drug treatment which my son still doesn't want to acknowledge. I had taken him his winter jacket and brought back his other one. He called me later that night. I'm not sure what happened but his roommate accused him of touching his stuff and threatened him. I talked to the shelter the next morning and that guy was no longer there. The person I spoke to was working when my son arrived there so he was aware of my son's case and we talked for a minute about what was going on.

I went to see my son last night and bring him some smokes. Not sure what my son is saying however they were under the impression that my son was without the proper clothing and needed assistance with that. He has winter boots and a dresser full of cloths. He only has... Yes that's because he packed himself and his goal at the time had nothing to do with what he was going to wear but with the opportunity to get high. So I packed a small suitcase this morning with his boots, another pair of jeans, long sleeved shirts and more socks and underwear. Last night he was supposed to have a shower. That didn't happen. It probably won't unless someone 'guides' him into having one.

Today I went to the shelter and meet with my son's case worker from PACT, the lady from Ready4Life and one of the shelter staff. Actually the guy I just spoke about. I wasn't sure how it was going to go with the lady from Ready4Life or how I was going to react to her... but it was fine. We discussed my son's possible housing options. We are all in agreement that he isn't capable of living on his own. He can't see that which makes it harder because they can only do what he will agree to. As far as I can tell the goal is to get him into the group home that better fits him because he can't be in the one that expects him to be out during the day.

I guess the shelter had tried to have my son agree to go to Safe Beds as they can offer more support and oversee medications however as usual for my son he declined. I explained that because my son is not stable that I think he confuses this time in the shelter with September 2014. He put up resistant to getting the right kind of help then too. He turns his back on and puts up road blocks to those trying to help him because right now his addiction is controlling him. He doesn't want support... He wants freedom. One comment he made was the he wants to snort percocets for the rest of his life. Not hard to tell where his thinking is at since he used to snort his Nana's perks.

At least this time we all seem to be on the same page and because we were all together my son didn't put up much resistance to all of us working together to help him achieve his long-term goal of having his own place. It came up about him coming home... That's not an easy question to answer. I would love to have my son come home however the reality is that once he gets it into his head that he wants to use then all of his promises of not being disrespectful or violent and doing chores etc, all go out the window.

We all tried to impress on him that this is the time that he needs to start making the right decisions. He can only stay at this shelter for 30 days. I'm ok with him coming home in between if it's needed however he still needs to participate in making choices that are going to keep him stable. He has it in his head that he doesn't have to worry about it because he will have his own place by then. Or he thinks he will be in British Columbia? Not if I have my say. I can't see him getting the same assistance as last time from the case workers here as they seem to already have a much clearer picture of how my son is acting. It wasn't even me this time that first commented that certain behaviors could be considered manipulative. Yes A++ in that skill ;).

I think the short-term goal is to get him into Safe Beds as they are much better equipped to deal with my son's issues. He did agree to have Safe Beds oversee his medications as I guess they are in the same building. It's a start. I did on several occasions speak to my son and try to get him to pay attention. I can't say I like it when people talk to him and he is obviously not paying attention to them and they keep talking... So I step in and get his attention and repeat what they had to say in words then I think will make sense to him. I asked him what he plans on doing if it comes to the point of his 30 days being up there and he doesn't have housing in place because he is not going back to BC. I had to repeat that scenario twice which is fine because that means he was listening. He seemed less resistant to Safe Beds after that and agreed to them overseeing his medications.

Whether we can get him into some sort of drug treatment is still up in the air. The lady from Ready4Life will be contacting ADAPT which is for addiction services. Maybe they can help to teach him how addiction is controlling his live. He doesn't see it as a problem. I explained to him that if his need to use is affecting his life and choices then it is a problem. Someone doesn't have to be drunk all the time or high all the time to have an addiction problem. If it changes who they are then it's a problem and my son's need/want to use changes who he is and how he acts. Also it furthers his schizophrenia which keeps him unstable.

Not sure exactly what is happening with disability. They still haven't called me back however my son says he is getting a check direct deposited next week. They did process him a drug benefits card which PACT has so they are now taking care of ordering and getting his medications.

Poor hubby... He is getting off of work, taking me to get my son smokes which is a 20 minute drive each way and then he may have to go work his second job of snow plowing.

Oh... Did you see that my blog got accepted here: Mental Health Writer's Guild. My Facebook page reached 500 likes yesterday. Ya me!

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Pretty good weekend

The weekend went pretty good. Friday was a good day. My son wanted McDonald's for dinner and wanted to go grocery shopping so he had a shower. Even brushed his teeth without me saying anything. I was brushing mine and he came into the bathroom with me and did his. I'm glad that some of my previous expectations have not gotten forgotten. Going out in public with me requires minimal personal hygiene when he is capable.

He did go see his friend on Friday... He had no idea that his friend was across the hall until someone started yelling his name from outside as no one was answering the buzzer. I guess the concept of no one being available or awake didn't mean anything. So my son heard and of course quickly went to investigate. Thankfully he only visited for about 10-15 minutes before coming back home.

Slowly my son has been getting back into using the laptop. It was good to see him actually playing some games on it although he doesn't seem to be able to keep it up for long periods. The downside to this of course was the inevitable (unavoidable) requests for me to purchase gaming subscriptions for him. My answer was no as I had warned him when he decided to spend the last of his money on alcohol that my answer would be no. This resulted in a phone call to his Nana for money and of course some attitude regarding how much money I was going to be taking from his disability payments. I told him that disability is not paying him for entertainment purposes then reminded myself that I don't intend to be a part of these types of conversations if I can help it, so went outside for a smoke so that I wouldn't be a part of it.

I did end up paying for his Trazodone as he needs it for sleep and I know that it can also help with some of his restlessness during the day. Thankfully it is one of the cheaper ones and only cost me $13.24 and so far he has been taking it without any complaints. He did miss his Lithium one day and the following day stated that he felt depressed so I reminded him that he had missed his Lithium and this may be the cause.

He has been up and down over the weekend. Some periods he seems ok and other times the psychosis is showing itself. Yesterday, Monday, was an off day as the voices were back and he spent a fair amount of the day seemingly wondering aimlessly around the apartment. Not getting enough sleep may have contributed to this as my husband was home from work so we took advantage of this to take an early trip to the disability office to find out what was happening with his file. Of course his worker was off! His file is still on hold which means a drug benefit card can't be issued. We did write a note where my son consented to me having access to talk to his worker and also letting disability know to release the room and board portion of his payments to me as I reminded my son that he had given his word that he would do this. I also had them take a copy of his disability payment from British Columbia and the receptionist noted that his last payment was for December which will probably affect his file and may affect his ability to get drug benefits as well. I was already aware this would probably happen and this is why I wanted them to have a copy of his last payment. I would rather deal with it now then have my son face any type of fraud charges later for not disclosing this information. We will have to contact British Columbia today to get his file out there closed. I let the receptionist know that I had held off doing this in case I could use his medical coverage from out there, here and she said no it doesn't work that way. *fingers crossed* I hear something back from his worker today.

After the disability office we took a drive as my husband needed to get something on the car looked at then we got Tim Horton's and brought my son back home while my husband and I finished Christmas shopping for my daughter. I also got my son a new pair of track pants since he only had the one pair and a new scarf and toque (hat) set. We also got him some Jamaican patties, pizza pockets and stuff to make breakfast sandwiches since going to Tim Horton's and McDonald's will not be regular occurrences like before. I had my son pick from the presents that I got for his sister, the ones that he would like to be from him and got the parcels sent out to my daughter.

Like I said yesterday was an off day. Voices or entities were obvious and he laughed at/with them a fair amount. They were discussing soul sanctums... Trying to understand what is so funny about these conversations is not easy as to me as I don't get what is so funny about soul sanctums. Still I guess if being in psychosis is anything like being high (both are too much dopamine) and having been high myself, yes things like this can appear to be funny at the time. I asked if the voices felt that were he is now is safe as a sanctum is a safe place and he said: yes.. no.. yes I think so. I told him to tell them thank you if they felt that our home was a safe place as I want him to feel safe here.

He's been taking a multi-vitamin everyday, knock on wood! It seems every time I blog about my son doing something that is good and healthy, something happens or he happens to interfere with that so hopefully I didn't jinx it! ;) The Omega 3's he is resisting, saying that they make him feel sick.

I have been trying to get him into bed at reasonable hours however I'm not having to much luck with that. It depends on when I wake up in the night. Sometimes it's 3, sometimes it's 5. One night he ended up sleeping on the small sofa as my hubby was sleeping on the big one as his sleep apnea and restless leg were driving us both nuts! Last night I managed to wake up and get him to bed by 2:30. It's now 12:37 pm and he is still sleeping. I asked him if the extra comforter on his bed has helped and he said yes.

The mess that I ended up cleaning up at 2:30 this morning so that my husband would have room on the counter to make his lunch didn't make me happy. Will have to find some way to approach this as really my husband shouldn't have to clean up the kitchen at 5 in the morning to make his lunch.

I have some cleaning to do...

Mom
BarbieBF

Do they know...?

I was asked this: Do they know how good he was doing when he was with you? I don't know the answer. Should they know? In my opinion yes but my opinions are just that, opinions. Only my husband, myself and his treatment team out here actually saw the progress that my son made.

Due to the Adderall in the beginning of June, that progress quickly, yet I hoped momentarily, went out the window as stability slipped through everyone's fingers. So when we took our trip out to British Columbia, no one saw that progress. Instead they saw what they had seen in April 2013, perhaps minus the telekinesis, chi talk and chronic marijuana addiction. Even as I write that I think, really?!. Having those three things alone pretty much out of the picture was a pretty big accomplishment. He was no longer spending hours trying to move a piece of paper with his mind, that the spirits were not letting him do. He wasn't constantly questioning his place in the universe, his chi or power over other people. Marijuana was still in the picture however it wasn't daily, in fact, was done to 2-3 times a month. He was down to minimal doses of anti-psychotics. He was attending school. So many things... Then I allowed myself to get pulled into my son's manipulation of wanting to try Adderall for his ADHD. I messed up, big time. Regaining stability is a slow and tedious road uphill. I didn't consider this a hard step backwards, just a bump in the road...

So here we are and I'm asking myself: Do they know...? Maybe in the bigger scheme of things it just didn't matter and perhaps still doesn't. Some things you have to let go off. I guess I need to let go (or at least try to)...  If only I saw the person that he is capable of being, not what everyone is resigned to him being then so be it. The easy decisions would have been to give into my son and schizophrenia. I just couldn't do that. I couldn't give up on him like that. Yes I have made mistakes and I will continue to do so, just as I'm afraid that my current choice of action or lack of action, is yet another mistake.

Recently I have had to acknowledge some subtle feelings of judgement. That I'm being judged not on who I am today but who I was 3-4 years ago. 4 years ago I was far from being in the right state of mind to put my family first. My relationship with my husband was up and down, filled with... to be blunt, bullshit. I was working more then full time hours and other then taking care of the basics at home, I was more concerned with that self-indulgent, monkey on my back, addiction. Mostly marijuana and even though I have never liked alcohol, it do had become a crutch in my life. I missed some pretty obvious signs on what my daughter was then going through. She, like our children do, paid the price for that. I'm not the person anymore. Thankfully. In January it will be 2 years since my husband and I went completely street drug clean. In August we were 1 year clean from alcohol. I'm a lot more aware of things then I was back then. I'm still me (for some that's a good thing, for others not so much :)) just with a different outlook on life and hopefully better equipped to handle what life can throw at me.

On a good note. Hubby bought some nuts for the squirrels last weekend. I thought I would leave all the fun to him but I guess I'm supposed to help feed them too ;). So here is a pic of one of them enjoying my husband's nuts (haha!) that I took this morning.

Mom
BarbieBF

$300 should do it...

That would be the amount of money that my son thinks I should 'be nice' and give to him from his disability payment. Really there should be some sort of 'Yes he's an adult and still my dependent (yes I can provide receipts!)' option on my income tax return because honestly he costs me (my hubby) a lot more then what disability covers. I thought I was being nice by already writing off the money he currently owes my hubby for tobacco. But no, he wants to buy his gaming subscriptions (that he doesn't even play regularly), probably tweak his nicotine habit (almost every month he wants to buy something new that he ends up not liking) and walk to the store everyday. And to think I give my hubby a hard time about buying food from the food truck at work when he's the one working his ass off 10 hours a day! And it's his taxes (hard work) that cover disability payments, not the infamous 'government'. That's all I will say about that! ;)

Now if I could just get my son in the shower... It's times like that this, only times like this, that I wish that I was a man, better yet, Hulk Hogan because I would physically pick him up and throw him in the shower while wearing nose plugs! I'm being cute but honestly the boy smells, bad, two feet radius bad.

I took a sleeping pill last night and actually got 7-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep! That would probably explain why I'm in good spirits about all this. Not that I can do much about any of it anyways but it helps to not be depressed about it.

As for how my son is doing. He slept about 10-12 hours. The best I can figure he woke up sometime between 1 and 4:30 AM. He still hasn't eaten anything. So the last time he ate (that big plate of rice!) was Tuesday, so almost two days ago. Oh and the two pickles... He is drinking fluids which is good although mostly coffee. I'm sure his brain could do without the extra stimuli but coffee and energy drinks seem to go with the territory. If they could come out with an instantly energizing drink that was actually good for you... He hasn't taken any medications since yesterday morning. His plan is to take them tonight when he goes to bed. When I asked what time that would be I just got a blank look. I'm really hoping he hasn't found an excuse to delay or not take them as I think one of his workers may have suggested that he try doing this to help him get back on a better sleep schedule. Honestly my son couldn't care one way or the other when he sleeps and if his days and night are mixed up. So really all they did was give him a reason to not take them and while I get the reason behind it, I don't see how going a day and half without medications is going to do him any good. Maybe it will actually let him progress to the point that I can have him admitted? I know, that sounds so bad even to me but it's the bigger picture that I'm looking at.

That's true... I am hearing that a lot when I tell my son things. You need in the shower, you smell. That's true... You need a good nights sleep. That's true... I don't think you should go to that shelter if people in the business are saying it's not a good one. That's true... I asked him the other day if he was cold and he responded with: It appears that way...

The shelter reference. While I want my son in a place that can give him more structure and while I do not want to watch this slow decline without being able to stop it, I'm still not going to send him to a place that is going to do him more harm then good. The one shelter that appears to have a bed available is in another city about 20-40 minutes from me and does not have a good reputation. He says that he is willing to go. I'm saying I don't think it's a good idea. If his worker is saying that it's not a good choice then it's not a good choice. If he really wants to go then I will support it but I think we should wait until a bed opens in one of the two shelters that does offer the support and environment that he needs. Really the choice is more mine then his since I can't even get him in the shower so he certainly isn't going to take or make the steps needed to go to this particular shelter.

So for now my son is staying where he is. In his room looking at nothing and smoking cigarettes while he contemplates whatever it is that his schizophrenia has him thinking about. I wonder if I start the shower if I can get him in it? Worth a try...

Mom
BarbieBF

On pins and needles

Due to rain my hubby was home from work yesterday so we all went to see Guardians of the Galaxy. It was pretty much what I thought it would be before I heard that it was a great movie. I think I would probably have enjoyed Maleficent much more. My son seemed more interested in the three Lego figurines I got him at the movie theater, although he did say that he thought it was a good movie. These Lego figurines instigated us making a trip to Walmart for Lego. My son picked out a kit for a house and I picked up a small kit to make a 'power digger' for my hubby since he is in construction and is an heavy machine operator. I actually had fun putting it together and he put it on our night table.

My son had fun putting together his three figurines and moving furniture around looking for the pieces he kept dropping. He had stated that he wanted to put the house together with me however I think sometime in the middle of the night he must have changed his mind...

On Monday one of my son's workers stopped by for a quick visit. I told her that at the moment my son is the least of my concerns however he is still a concern :) He has been doing good. Still sleeping in his own bed, so it's been 10 nights, although I use nights loosely as he doesn't go to bed until sometime between 4 and 6 AM. He is not making as many messes and is attempting to clean up after himself. His room is starting to look like another tornado hit it. He can't seem to manage reaching his garbage can or laundry basket. I had forwarded him an email from the YMCA asking if they should be closing his file with them as they can't keep his file open with no activity or progress to report. I feel that he needs to be the one to respond and take responsibility for the choice to not attend. I don't know if he answered it but I'm guessing that he didn't.

When we did grocery shopping last Sunday my son asked if they had anything in the vitamin section, like a herb, to help him with his anxiety. I have tried in the past to help him with this by getting him an herbal tincture however he abused it so I had to throw it out. I take a lot of supplements and vitamins and have been trying to get him to take them as well however he refuses. He even refuses a multivitamin. He has on several occasions stated that he wants some sort of muscle relaxer. Yes he is still looking for that quick fix. In my opinion it's his nerve system that is causing his muscles to be tense. He is either under or overstimulated or some combination of the two. To treat the symptom and not the cause is not going to help him in the long run. 5-HTP caught my eye and his too. 5-HTP is an amino acid that the body produces naturally and I do believe helps to regulate or produce serotonin which helps to regulate mood. I agreed to let him try it as long as he doesn't abuse it. So far it doesn't appear that he is abusing it. He noticed a couple of hours after taking one that he felt more relaxed. I noticed this too as usually even when he is just sitting/lying on the sofa his foot is in constant motion and that night it wasn't. I am trying not to micromanage him taking his pills however I am counting how many are in the bottles every now and then. I also handed him over his Gabapentin/Neurontin on Friday. The first night 5 went missing. He says he put them in another pill bottle. He seems to be on track with his 100 mg Clozapine however his Invega and Lithium are not adding up. I haven't counted his 25 mg Clozapine.

This morning my son and I butted heads as he was still up when I got up at 5:30. Of course not being particularly coherent myself I triggered his ODD when I told him he needed to take his pills and go to bed. According to my son he doesn't need them and that is why his psychiatrist is weaning him off them because he knows that he doesn't need them. Delusional or manipulative? I don't know. Somehow he pulled his friend into the conversation and it was his friend's fault that he had no friends that his friend treats him like crap... I won't say what else he had to say as I'm pretty sure it was being motivated by negative emotions rather then an honest opinion of his friend. As I said I wasn't being particularly coherent and I managed to hurt his feelings by saying something about me doing what I'm doing because I love him and if he can't see that then there is something wrong with him. I meant this in terms of maturity and I tried to tell him that however he took it to heart. Told me to kick him out because he can't handle being here and he would rather be out on the streets. I told him that I am tired of having to walk on eggshells and monitor everything that I say because he can't handle some truth. I'm not going to kick him out on the streets so that he can use that to manipulate others into feeling sorry for him. If he wants to go then go but I'm not telling him to. I don't know if it was lack of sleep, having not taken his pills yet or something else (psychosis) but his eyes were telling their own story. He did go to sleep a short time later.

As for why I am on pins and needles... I think I have spoken some about my downstairs neighbors and their excessive noise. I don't know if I have spoken about the verbal harassment. Saturday I got a pretty big scare. The lady from that unit tried to forcibly enter my apartment as she thought that I had called mental health services on her and freaked out when they tried to contact her. It turns out a police officer that had attended for my previous noise complaint had contacted them. Accusing me of putting an eviction notice in her mailbox that was obviously from the building management and not me, among other things, made them question her mental health. Long story short this has been going on for some time now and whenever I try to get it to stop I'm being verbally harassed by them and having to deal with physical outbursts like banging on walls and what happened on Saturday. Saturday being the second time she has approached my apartment in an aggressive manner. After me almost losing it in front of a police officer and him seeing how afraid I was, something is finally being done about it. I think the charges will be criminal harassment and mischief, once they arrest her... She has been avoiding being arrested since Sunday. The quiet is somewhat unnerving and not knowing where she is has got me more then a little tense. As grateful as I am that something is being done I'm more afraid to leave my apartment alone then I was before as she and her husband have to be pissed at me. On the bright side, they have both been warned to not communicate with/at me and my family or they could both be facing further charges. So now it's a bit of a waiting game and if she doesn't appear they may have to issue an arrest warrant. Hopefully for her sake it doesn't come to that. In the meantime I'm jumping at every sound in my hallway... *deep breathes*

The YMCA called me a little while ago. I told them to close his file for now since he obviously isn't going to follow through on dealing with this. His nurse also dropped by about an hour ago and he went out to talk to her and grab his Clozapine that PACT picked up for him. I'm waiting for some dough to rise and telling myself that I don't need another cigarette! I have been smoking way to much lately. I think it's time for a herbal tea before I start making dinner.

Mom
BarbieBF

I said I'm sorry.

It was a good and quiet weekend. *knock on wood* Other then Friday night my downstairs neighbor has been quiet. My son went to his friends for the night Friday. There was some alcohol and marijuana use although I'm guessing not too much and he was ready to come home the next day. Saturday hubby and I went to a laundromat to do our laundry as I'm trying to stay away from my downstairs neighbors unit which is right across for the laundry room. I'm trying not to aggravate the whole situation any more then necessary. They have receive their second eviction notice due to my complaints about excess noise. We did grocery shopping then picked up my son. Yesterday (Sunday) hubby dropped me off at my best friends while he went to see his grand-kids. I haven't seen my best friend in two years and it was a good visit. Last night we watched the 1976 movie Sybil. Sybil had Multiple Personality Disorder or what is now known as DID or Dissociative Identity Disorder. My son watched some of it with us although he didn't particularly seem interested in it. He was probably more bored then anything.

I guess it was Friday afternoon when he eventually got up that he asked me if he had fallen asleep on the sofa that morning. I took the opportunity to let him know that I know that he is an adult however as long as he is living under my roof there are and will continue to be consequences to certain behaviors. The next time he sleeps on the sofa then he will lose the internet. Sunday morning I woke up to him asleep on the sofa again. He lost the internet. Last night he asks me if we can talk about it that he is willing to make a pact with me that he won't do it again, can I help him not do it? That he shouldn't be in the living room after a certain time. I asked him how he expected me to do this? Unless I stay up all night I can't stop him from coming into the living room at 2 and 4 o'clock in the morning. He suggested putting a note on the coffee table for him. There has been a list of apartment rules and consequences in the living room for a long time now that he refuses to look at or read since he already knows what they are. He said that since he has said that he is sorry that I should not make him deal with the consequences that that is unfair and unreasonable of me. If I'm going to be like that about it then he is not sorry. He seems to be missing the point of what it means to be sorry. They aren't words to be used to manipulate people, at least they shouldn't be. I remember when he first came to live with me and one time telling me that to say I'm sorry means that you can do it again because you said I'm sorry. He said that taking away the internet won't stop him from sleeping on the sofa. I tried to give him another way to look at it. If I miss work then I don't get paid for that day. I can apologize to my boss, give reasons and say that I'm sorry however I still won't get paid. Being sorry doesn't get me out of the consequences. Guess what? He didn't sleep on the sofa last night!

Just a little while ago he randomly asked me what I was doing and if I was writing my book. No just blogging, I haven't written anything new for my book since January. You're on blogger now? Yes I switched from Tumblr awhile ago as there doesn't seem to be a lot of adults on there. Then he went and brushed his teeth! Then I see him taking dirty dishes out of his room! My hubby had suggested to him last night that perhaps if he cleaned up his room a little bit he would be more comfortable in there. I have stopped going in and cleaning his room and it's a mess! For some reason he dumped all of his dirty laundry in the middle of the room. When I asked him why he said he wanted the floor to feel like it had carpet. Really? Your kidding right?! No not really... This was the day he came back from his friends so sometimes his behavior just isn't going to make sense after smoking weed and drinking. The garbage can is overflowing and there is garbage all over the place. If this is his current level of self-care than it is what it is. 

BTW July 30 was my hubby and I's 4th year anniversary of the day we meet. At first I thought it was 3 years. My son said it must be 5. I had to think about it for a bit. For years I always thought we had been together a year longer then we had been. I guess in trying to correct that I over-corrected. While I still remember with clarity the first time I say him, what he said and what I was wearing... A flowered dress. He used to call me his flower girl and sing (I Love) The Flower Girl! It seems a life time ago. We have certainly come a long ways. All my nagging and pushing has paid off! ;)

Mom

BarbieBF

Serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

I wear the Serenity Prayer on a charm on my necklace. My mom bought it for me in 2001, not long before she passed away, when I was on my first attempt to get clean from addiction. It held meaning for us both then and today I find myself revisiting it's meaning yet again.



Above picture credit to: Etsy

My normal optimism had deserted me for a little bit. I tried to blame it on PMS which I'm sure played it's part but I also recognize that there are things going on that are making me feel sad. My daughter left yesterday to go back home with her dad. I miss her already. This journey I find my son and I on is, as usual, keeping me on my toes but underneath all that is a sadness that has been building up for some time now. I find myself reading and rereading these words and realizing that once again I need to apply it's wisdom to my own life.

A couple of days ago my mom's birth sister contacted me wanting to met up with my sister and I at an Elvis Festival going on this weekend. For those who are not aware an Elvis Festival is were Elvis Tribute Artists (ETA's) compete and show their love for Elvis Presley. For several years my older sister and I bonded and rebuilt our relationship through a mutual love of Elvis's music. Granted I had no idea about any of this the first time my sister asked me to go to Akron to see an ETA with her. Go where? To see a what? I still chuckle over the memory of that conversation. Anyways fast forward to January of this year and we had a falling out. Sadly over money and other things. I take full responsibility for the falling out as it is my quest for answers that has caused this rift. I find that without the answers, or proof of the answers I am getting, that I am unable to continue the relationship. Add in years of hurt and misunderstandings and I now find myself without not one but two sisters. My younger sister has also cut off communicating with me and I can only guess that it is a result of the falling out with my older sister as we were communicating up until that point. Since then she has not responded to me so I can only assume since she won't even confirm one way or the other her reasons. I have tried to put it behind me and I try to pretend like it doesn't hurt since the choice to walk away was mine. Well enough of pretending. It does hurt and it hurts more then I thought that it would. Not so much the current rift but the reasons leading up to it. So I read the words of the above prayer. I had finally found the courage to ask the questions that had been haunting me for a very long time. Questions that are still in my mind unanswered. Now I need the serenity to accept what I cannot change. Family can be hard sometimes. I see it also with other blogs that I follow. Hurt and misunderstandings that get in the way of the love that we share. Our own hurts and their hurts. Walking away doesn't lessen the pain nor the love so I guess acceptance is what we are left with and hopefully having the wisdom to know that which we cannot change can bring us the serenity that we seek.

I'm afraid we missed our appointment today with Ready4Life. We were 15 mintues late and just missed her. Rescheduled to Friday. Still have to get him down for blood work.

My son's psychiatrist appointment yesterday went well. We discussed, or I tried to discuss, my son's diagnose(s). Officially schizophrenia with concurrent disorders... The concurrent disorders being unofficially addiction, ADHD and ODD and per my son OCD. As my hubby sometimes jokes 'So we are playing the alphabet game.' Really in the end they are only letters of the alphabet. As long as we are taking care of symptoms or helping to lessen the 'stress' that he is going through then we are doing our jobs. My son agreed to a switch from Risperidone to Invega. No change in his Clozapine and we need to try and get him back on his Neurontin. His pdoc expressed concerns to my son that we do not want him relapsing and what he is currently experiencing may be an indication or leading up to what his previous breaks have been.

I find myself yet again at an acceptance crossroads. I have had to re-evaluate my own acceptance of my son's schizophrenia. My son has schizophrenia. There is a sadness yet a serenity in my own coming to terms with this. Accept the things I cannot change. There are so many things that I cannot change at the moment. His Nana's feelings towards me. That my daughter is there and not here. That my sisters are not currently a part of my family life. That we are in a lot of debt and my downstairs neighbor seems unable to keep her base from vibrating my floor. ;) Figured I would through the last two in there. However there are things that I am now learning to have the courage to do. I have been able to make my family, my husband and my children, the priority that they need to be in my life. I am doing my best to increase mental illness awareness and to help those that I can even if it's only to show support through my own experiences. I am where and who I need to be. As for my son's schizophrenia: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it... However I can and I will continue to be, to the best of my ability, the support that he needs me to be.

Mom
BarbieBF

Grad Dresses and Accessories, Just In Case

I almost didn't greet my hubby with a big hug and a kiss yesterday. I did my usual hi hun and a quick peek on the lips before entering the kitchen. I caught myself and gave him a big hug and a kiss. I really do love his hugs as being in his arms makes me feel protected and secure. When he isn't crushing me that is :) Lately I have taken to referring to him as the friendly giant as he still doesn't seem to have a good grasp of how strong he is. It wasn't his fault but I had allowed my son to put me in somewhat of a bad mood a little earlier. When I called to make sure that he was up and would be ready to be picked up when my hubby came home from work, he said that he didn't want to come home yet. His reasons? He wanted to spend as much time with his friend as possible because for the next two weeks he was going to be around people he didn't want to spend time with. That would be his Nana, father and sisters that he hasn't seen in a year and certainly not an accurate statement. I know that he wants to see and spend time with them however the residual affects of the Adderall is still causing him to have a negative attitude. Then he started making comments about how his father had had a change of heart and feelings, even though he hasn't talked to his father, and how I knew that my son had also had a change of heart a couple of days ago. I call this psychosis talk. When he thinks that he has the ability or the right to telepathically read and/or manipulate other people's feelings. It's hard to have these conversations with him sometimes. Yes I'm aware my son had a 'change of heart' as he was taken off the Adderall and decided that he didn't want to have a 'break' anymore. However my son doesn't like it when I bluntly make these comments. My version of the truth doesn't set to well with him when he is not stable. I ended up telling him to find his own way home then since I wasn't going to ask my hubby to come home then go back out again and that I couldn't have this conversation with him right now, that I loved him and good-bye. I hung up. He found his own way home later that night.

His friend called this morning to talk to him before we leave. Somehow my son got the idea that we were leaving this morning. I guess he misheard me when I stated that I hoped it would rain so that my hubby didn't have to work and we could leave earlier. It didn't rain, so hubby is working. I told his friend that he was sleeping as he had stayed up all night and didn't go to bed until after 5 this morning. I commented that my son still was not doing so well. His friend told me that he had noticed and that my son seemed to be in his own world most of the time that he was there and didn't even spend much time on his laptop. If you knew my son then you would know that that is not a good sign. They had spend most of the time watching movies. So what was the draw to my son wanting to hang out there longer? He can watch movies and be in his own world at home. No disrespect to their friendship but I'm betting that the lure of marijuana played it's part. It seems that his friend is actually trying to go clean and stay off the marijuana however his brother is not and recently I have noticed that my son is wanting to cultivate a friendship with the brother. Coincidence? I don't think so. My son has been telling me that they are going to be going to the gym together. I don't know the brother however him spending time at the gym is not something I have heard of him doing up until now. My son knows what I want to hear. If the thought of him going to the gym would make me more lenient or ask less questions about the friendship than I have no doubt that my son would perhaps elaborate on the actual facts. On a side note I must say that his friend when he is not drinking all the time or smoking marijuana is actually a pretty decent guy. In his own way he tries to watch over my son.

Hubby recently texted me and asked if my son was up. I sometimes wonder about how strongly that motherly instinct to defend my son can rear it's head in me. I simply replied with no. Much better then the thought of replying with: Of course not. You know that he is still not doing good. You know that he was up all night. You know that he needs his sleep so that his brain can heal... All true but my hubby doesn't think like that and tends to not think of the bigger picture. He just sees that it is now afternoon and my son is still sleeping. I'm happy my son is sleeping. If I hear him snoring that I know that he is in a deep sleep and that makes me feel better. My hubby's snoring on the other hand makes me want to grab a frying pan. Go figure! I'm hoping that he will sleep most of the day. He didn't take his meds until after 5 this morning. When I suggested it was time to go to bed he replied that he needed his meds. They were on the coffee table where he told me to put them the night before. Yet another sign that he is still not firmly in this reality. The overflowing ashtray wasn't reassuring either.

I think I have pretty much everything in order for leaving. Except for packing which I will be starting soon, after I do a load of laundry. Still have some juggling do to on finances. I realized this morning that our car insurance payment bounced. Yippee! I called to fix it but they haven't been notified by the bank yet so they can't do anything yet. Advised to make sure I have enough in the account to cover for when they try to resubmit it which could be anytime in the next 3 weeks. As long as we aren't on the other side of Canada with no insurance in two weeks. As much as hubby and I are looking forward to this, our first vacation together, financially it is going to makes it's dent. Between gas, food and lodging I'm thinking about 3-4000. Then there's the missing income of another 3000. Add that to our current debt of about 15000. Ok enough of the doom and gloom. We will figure it out when the times comes.

I tried on 4 dresses and sent pics to my daughter to see which one she would like me to wear to her graduation.

She likes the one on the very left with the buttons. This one used to belong to my mother and my daughter now wants it. Family airloom! (Her spelling) I will give it to her after the grad. I will pack that one and the one on the far right as there is also a parent brunch the next day. Maybe the red one too. Pulled out my hubby's khakis and they fit! All this nagging on him about what he eats is paying off after all ;) Picked out some jewelry which I probably won't wear. I consider myself pretty understated when it comes to accessories and such. I haven't had make-up on in I don't know how long. I guess I should pack what I do have. I realized that I have thrown out all of my heels. I just don't wear then anymore. Luckily I found a pair that was my daughters, that fit me and will go with 2 of the dresses. I guess I should pull out hubby's dress shoes and give them a shinning. My son's too. Guess I'm not as organized as I thought I was. (Pulls out the shoes and puts on the load of laundry)

I was just looking at my printout of my son's medical information that I keep on hand for emergency purposes. Main notes that I can hand to medical personal if needed. I should update it and print a copy for the road and for his father's house where he will be staying. Just in case. I sometimes forget and get complacent when things have been going good. I forget that just in case is an every day possibility and not an after thought. The suitcases aren't going to pack themselves no matter who much I wish they would. Sometimes I wish I could live in my son's reality ;)

Mom
BarbieBF

Hormones, cabin fever or just life?

It's 9:16 am and all my windows are open to maximize the amount of fresh air flowing through my apartment. I can hear the birds chirping and the sun is shining and it is quiet! Blissfully quiet, except for the birds of course. Both my hubby and I woke up in a good mood this morning. He made his bed this morning (air-mattress actually, that he has been sleeping on to help ease my insomnia since he has restless leg and sleep apnea), folded his PJ's and texted me a little while ago that his sandwich had turned into a ball of tune, bread and cheese but he was able to lol about it. I made the coffee and kissed him good-bye at the door. Much better then yesterday when he left for work already having a bad day that just continued. I have to admit that lately I have not been overly nice to my hubby. Everyday I give myself this little pep talk that I will not snap at him, that I will not react to some of things that he says that irks me and that I will be more tolerant and loving. Perhaps if I literally wrote it out like they used to make us do lines in school? Or wear an elastic band and snap myself when I do react negatively? I have seriously thought about doing both of these things since the daily pep talk doesn't seem to be working as well as I had hoped. My good intentions go out the window as soon as he makes a comment that irks me. I'm trying to figure out why they are irking me so easily. Personally I believe that my hubby does have some sort of thought disorder along with his GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). He himself acknowledges that he may have ADD. So I think to myself: Why can I not give him the same patience and tolerance I give my son? Maybe it's because I'm giving all my patience and tolerance to my son :)

Maybe I need to up the amount of tinctures and supplements that I am taking to help me with menopausal symptoms. I know that I have more patience than I have been displaying lately so perhaps it's my hormones? Although I'm pretty sure it's not that since I have not been experiencing hot flashes (I used to) and my cycles are awesomely easily now in comparison to what they used to be and certainly aren't happening every two weeks like they were. No other signs that it would be hormonal. Well that kind of sucks. If it was then I could up my doses of the tinctures and my ESTROSmart supplement and walah all fixed.

Cabin fever maybe? There are times when I have this overwhelming urge to get out and away from here. Of course at those times I usually want to scream with frustration as well. But then on days like today, I am so thankful that I am able to be a stay at home housewife/caregiver. I really do love it. I love taking my time doing what I am doing even if it's learning how to make homemade bread or posting on the forum or thinking about how I'm going to rearrange my bedroom. For most of my life I didn't have this. Tough childhood, college and job, parenthood, addiction, job... Never much time for just being me. So while I do miss the hubbub of working in an office and yes even the stress and responsibilities of someone always needing me for something, I can't bring myself to want to give up what I currently have to go back to that. I guess that rules out cabin fever.

I guess that leaves just life. I guess it doesn't help that I don't have many friends outside of my immediate family and the internet. Actually I only have one friend and she is my best friend. We haven't talked in a while but even if we do go 3+ months without talking we seem to pick up right were we left off. I haven't seen her in well over a year. How time flies. Honestly though this doesn't bring me down as I don't need more. I think life is sort of at a stand still for me. I'm not sure what I want to do in the future. As much as I am loving being at home I can't stay this way forever. Eventually I will have to rejoin the workforce and the longer I'm out of it the harder it will be. I think that plays on my mind much more then I realize. Part of me feels bad that I am not doing something more productive with my life. Problem is though that I don't know what I want to do. This is a new experience where I actually have the option to make choices, not just go with the flow and do. I picked my college program based on my older sisters choice since I had no idea what I wanted to be. Office Administration (Legal). Granted it gave me a good understanding of office procedures and legal terminology which has served me well both professionally and privately however I have not pursued a career as a legal secretary. Mind you I did get pregnant before graduation ;) Instead I ended up working my way into a Manager of Finance position. Not where I want to be either.

So I am here. Sure of my past but not to sure of my future. The support to do what I want if I can just nail that down. Social worker is certainly an option. More schooling. Then there is my son. I just don't feel comfortable moving forward with that part of my life until I feel that he is more settled on his path. I sometimes wonder if I'm making excuses to not move forward as how can I ever be sure of his path when dealing with addiction and psychosis. Day to day is a grab bag of... who knows?

I do have this nagging dream of being a writer. That seems to be all I have to say about that. I really need to figure out what is holding me back from giving it that old college try... Fear of failing...

Aside from the laughter and the sunglasses yesterday my son seems to be improving. He ate a good dinner which is always good to see. After dinner we all went for a drive to get my son his cigarettes. 5 more cartons so 1000 cigarettes. We last got him 5 cartons on May 25 so 3.5 weeks ago. So averaging a 2 pack or 40 cigarettes a day habit. He was actually coming down from that and was probably worse then that a year ago. However this latest journey into psychosis land means an increase in smoking. Hopefully it was start to slow down some as he regains himself. Hubby and I quit smoking over a month ago so sometimes it's a little hard to take. After the drive for smokes we dropped him off at his friend's place for the night...

One of those rare occasions where hubby and I find ourselves alone for the night and I wasn't being cranky. I even managed without the aid of an elastic band to not got irked so that I would not get cranky and ruin our chances of a 'good' evening together. It worked! Hubby and I had a 'good' evening ;). As a couple we needed this. He is my main support in pretty much every way and our relationship needs the attention. I was a little bemused this morning when I saw my hubby's PJ's folded and not on the floor as usual. A little attention can go a long ways. We both woke up happy and in love. Not that we aren't in love all of the time but life's responsibilities can sometimes get in the way of acting out that love.

I have the whole day and the apartment to myself for the day! Perhaps I will finally get my packing done and play Barbie dress up. I have no idea what I'm going to wear for my daughter's graduation. Other then that I think everything is almost in order for us to leave tomorrow. Hubby will pick my son up on his way home from work today. In keeping with these loving feelings I will do my best to great my hubby at the door with a big hug and kiss. I used to all the time. Somehow life just got in the way.

Mom
BarbieBF