The five long languages and self-love.

I find myself sitting here and thinking about what happens when we allow ourselves to become as sick as the people around us.

At one point I was pretty much living and breathing schizophrenia in my quest to help my son. Everything I did was with him in mind and I ended up needing antidepressants myself.

Whether it's mental health or physical health, it's so easy to let ourselves become our environment.

Yesterday was hubby's birthday and two weeks before that was mine... Needless to say it hasn't been a better year with respect to these dates then it has been in the past. I can't recall when the last time was that we shared any of these important dates on a good note. Perhaps we never have. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Mother's Day... All seem to become.... Well worse than any other day.

I have to ask myself why?

My journey of self-discovery with Christianity is teaching me to look at myself first. Even if I don't want to, I find myself expecting more during these times. Expecting my hubby to put others first. To me more precise, to put me first. I really do know better however feelings sadly to not care what is logical. So everytime I set myself up for hurt.

Really the fault is mine. I shouldn't expect more on any given day. I shouldn't put my hopes in other people's actions. I know where my hope should be... Where my longing for love should be. It's not with Man. It's with God. I know He is the only one that can fill that emptiness. Still not as easy as that. I wish it was. That's where expectations tend to mess things up.

I have recently learned about the five love languages. While we receive and give love using all five: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and physical touch, we tend to appreciate one or more of these more then the others.

Hubby and I actually discussed these a little bit one day and are now more aware of what each others are. You would think that would help us.... It only helps when one is willing to look outside oneself.

I did a self-test and discovered I seem to be in a three-way tie with words of affirmation, acts of service and quality time. Still I know that my main one is acts of service. It's how I show everyone that I love them, by doing things for them. Words have very little meaning to me when actions are not there to support the words. It's certainly not physical touch since I tend to shy away for physical contact. My hubby's is most likely physical touch. I've always known that to some degree. So even when we are not getting along I still hold his hand when we are out because if I don't... Things just keep going downhill.

So it's expectations that like I said, mess things up. Now that he knows my love language... Nothing has changed.

The fault is with me, expecting things to chance.

Physically and mentally that puts me in a situation where I am allowing someone else to have control over my health. Because I want hubby to show me that he loves me by doing something... anything. Make a healthy dinner. Keep his word. The list can go on. I get unhealthy. I wait for someone else to take care of me and I get disappointed when it doesn't happen.

It's a cycle I need to break. I know what I need and I know how to take care of myself. I know when I'm doing these things for myself that I feel so much better. Physically and mentally.

Time for me to do my exercises and eat before I get my grandson for the day.

To all the caregivers out there: Take care of yourself. Take the time to eat right and find some me-time to do something that is selfishly for yourself only.

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

An apology...

I have debated deleting some of my blog posts as they have perhaps been a bit to harsh. While I try not to, a lot of the times when I blog it's because I'm feeling overwhelmed with things and I find this a great outlet. Of course being a public blog, anyone can read it... I have thought about changing that as well however that is just my emotions getting in the way again.

So while I am not deleting anything, I am deeply sorry that anything that I have written has caused my daughter any pain or upset.

Regardless of anything that I have written, my daughter is and always has been someone that I look up to. None of us are perfect, certainly not myself. I know I still have a long ways to go to be the person that I want to be.

As for my daughter... A phrase I have always liked: Perfectly imperfect. She's beautiful inside and out. She has a heart of gold and has forgiven me more then any mother could hope for. With her to lead the way I am now over 6 months clean and I have found my faith. She has given me a precious gift of being grandmother.

So to my daughter: I hope that you will always know how much I love you and what having you in my life means to me. I really wouldn't change any of it.

Love Mom.

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.