Rural living, Auntie, Demons

I didn't realize it has been so long since I last blogged. March 2023, so 3 years.

My son is still stable and doing pretty well, all things considered. Still smoking pot and drinking on the weekends but med-compliant, managing his own finances and day to day care like laundry, showering etc. I help out with scheduling his blood-work and keeping on top of his prescriptions. 

He moved in with his sister about 3 years ago and about 2 years ago, hubby and I moved there too. So now we all live in the same house.

He did have an issue just over 2 years ago with low blood platelets that is still being monitored. I guess he had an infection and a cold and his body went a bit haywire fighting it all. Couple of blood transfusions and an extended hospital stay... Steroids... He's holding steady, low still but not threatening.

We live pretty rural now (well water and septic) so not much opportunity for him to socialize or be involved in any social programs. The highlight of the week is going grocery shopping on the weekend which by-the-way is a 40 minute drive to get to a sensible grocery store. He gets his snacks and of course his bottle or two. Not ideal but I don't begrudge him this. He's 32 now and he's still here and relatively happy. He has his moments where some negativity comes through after drinking 2 nights in a row... How normal is that? Pretty normal actually for anyone that drinks. Geesh... I just called my mentally ill son, normal! If you have read any of my blog, yes, I can be a bit sarcastic/facetious as I point out things that neurotypicals prefer not to have pointed out. ;)

I don't think I mentioned it in my last post... I do sourdough bread now. It's a love/hate relationship. Love the bread, not so fond of making it lol. But hubby loves it too so it's a relationship that will keep. I make my own beef jerky now too. My son and I are avid fans of it so it's a staple on the weekly grocery list to get a beef roast... Last year I started my own veggie garden for the first time. I've maintained others but never started my own from seeds. Started out really well but the weather last year was pretty bi-polar (gasp, I used this as a verb!)... One week torrential rain and the next week heat wave. My poor garden wasn't happy so I lost a lot but still I did get a good crop of tomatoes and some beans and cucumbers. Haven't made up my mind yet if I'm going to try again this year. Most likely I will, just not so much of it and better prep-work to the soil.

As I have moved, I no longer manage the RV park. Ironically my life seems a lot more hectic and busy but than again living with my 2 adult kids and my 2 grandkids would account for that. I keep myself busy with the grandkids, baking, moderating a sourdough group, knitting and crocheting. Church most Sundays. I play Pokemon Go now and even crochet mods. I go through phases with that and currently in a 'I'm sick of crocheting' phase. But this past winter I crocheted some cute hand-warmers that me and my granddaughter really like. 

Hubby is doing good. He survived the down-time of no work this winter. Barely... :) That man needs to be active to be happy. Almost 70... We are getting old. He's being monitored for swollen prostrate and I guess a spot on his kidneys but overall he's in good shape. Still adores me... Blessed I am to have him.

I have 3 cats. 2 I brought with me when I moved and 1 that was a barn rescue... He was a little spitfire in the beginning. Couldn't get near him. Now, he's the most affectionate cat I have ever met. Lost the top of one of his ears and the tip of his tail to frostbite. Gives him character!

Recently we went to visit some family. Stayed with my older sister and managed to fit in some of my family and some of hubby's family. Hubby hates to fly so it was a 34-35 hour drive each way for 3 days of visiting. My mom was adopted and on this trip I got to meet her bio half-sister for the first time. She's pretty cool, dare I say cute! If you are younger than the word cute may not seem appropriate, even distasteful but as you get older... Hubby thinks I'm cute and for sure it's a term of endearment and a compliment. 

My younger sister, I had not seen in about 14 or so years. Not even sure what to write here... Mental illness and psychosis comes in so many different forms. I knew that there was... I thought that I was prepared... I have seen a lot with my son through breaks and hallucinations. I wasn't prepared for this face. My son had some grandiose delusions with respect to being a god, a vampire... Dealing with demons... Demonic possession was a new face for me. It was a short visit if you can even call it that. Short exchange of words. It wasn't my sister so prolonged exposure on my part wasn't going to accomplish anything.

I don't disbelieve in possession. I don't disbelieve that there is another plain of existence that most don't see. I also believe in mental illness. I can say that perhaps for the first time in my life, I came face to face with the possibility of... She appears to believe that she is possessed and I can't say that she isn't. It may seem odd to read that but I'm also a Believer in God and I believe the Bible so it's not a stretch to believe in demons. Regardless of which... Demonic possession/psychosis sucks! 

It's almost noon here... I'm still in my PJ's and have jerky to put in the dehydrator. 

To those who still follow this... My apologies for taking so long to blog and update that my son is still my son.

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2026. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Check In March 2023

I can't believe it's been 2 years since my last update...

Hubby is still working. He's liking the company and they seem to be liking him too so all good there.

My son did move into his own apartment. It actually went really well and despite my reservations he maintained stability and didn't wreck the joint. ;) He did give his notice and moved out the end of last month. He went from working 3 days a week to 5 days which in hindsight was too much for him. It's hard to work 10-12 hours a day and be on medications that require a lot of sleep time. The company he worked for moved locations so he was unable to keep going. In between that he hurt his back and knee... Now that was a bit of a shit show...

I'm not usually one to email MPs however I did... My son knee was obviously infected so I took him to the ER. This nicest thing I can say is that was useless. He left there without treatment. Thank goodness for a doctor at a walk-in clinic who did treat him. She also wanted him to go back to the ER... He did not and I can't blame him. Basically 12 hour wait times to even be seen by a doctor.

We have all these plandemic mandates... I'm sure that statement makes it pretty clear where I stand on most of it. Enter the ER and the first thing we get asked is if we are vaccinated. Ok. Didn't ask our names or why we were there. Vaccinated and unvaccinated were treated the same and handed a mask. So why ask? In the 20 minutes that I stayed there and watched about 20 masks get handed out, can you guess how many were actually wearing the mask properly? I'm sorry but they do no good hugging your chin or hanging off your ear. So me who is tired of all the plandemic theatre was one of the few wearing it properly.

Dealing with the system recently has been difficult. The program that he was involved with decided that he was no longer in need. In closing his file that meant he no longer had access to his psychiatrist. That little tidbit was found out when I tried to get through to the psychiatrist to leave a message. The program itself didn't bother to tell my son that he had lost his psychiatrist. That turned into another drawn out scenario of my trying to get the local MLA involved. Not sure it did much good as well privacy laws have and always well be way more important that actually doing anyone any good. The program did send his file off to a doctor in another city that he hasn't dealt with in years without confirming that it was in fact my son's doctor. At this point, thankful that he has a doctor at all as at this point they are getting harder and harder to find. This one says he is capable of overseeing the clozapine requirements and writing prescriptions so that is a win win for now.

I've been keeping busy. Pretty busy actually. About a year and half ago, I became the manager of the park that I live in. Most days are good. Some days... Let's just say that I have learned way more than I ever thought that I would about pumps, plumbing, electrical, by-laws and whatever else. Physically I'm probably healthier than even have been. I do a lot of walking and landscaping. I have an ongoing war with blackberry bushes. I have every intention of winning! So looking forward to nicer weather again.

Snow! Like most, I'm totally done with it! I'm sure some are still loving it... Time to let it go until next year! Global warming my ass!

As for what has been happening in the world this last couple of years... I cannot fathom most of it most days. It has opened my eyes to a lot. So yeah, now I'm one those anti-vax, racist, non-conforming Canadians that love my country and is ashamed of it's government. The upside... I'm healthy. Not afraid of... I won't say much else. If this gets censored like my Facebook, I'd be risking losing my blog.

The grandkids are growing and are doing great. I love hearing my granddaughter call me grammie or gammie. They along with their parental figures are most likely moving to Alberta. Can't say I blame them. Yes, I also support Smith! She rocks! I will follow when Yehovah (God) gives me the green light to go too.

Until next time...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2023. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Check in Feb 2021

Almost another year gone... wow.

Not much has changed here. 

It was my son's birthday last month so he's been struggling a bit with his drinking. Meaning drinking too much. A family member gave him all the ingredients for his favorite drink so he went a little overboard with it. As usual it causes some conflict between hubby and I. Not much I can do about that one either.

My son went down 25 mg of Clozapine with his psychiatrists approval and my support. It's my son's goal to go down from 400 mg to 200 mg. Currently at 375 mg. His psychiatrist is being extremely cautious with how often and how much he will decrease which is a good thing. While my son isn't overly happy about it, he is continuing to be med-compliant. I think it's been about 5-6 months since the decrease and I haven't noticed any changes in my son because of it.

I'm grateful that he understands that he needs them, even if only in the context of helping him with his anxiety. I make it clear if he wants to continue to drink and smoke weed then he needs the medications so that he doesn't lose all that he has gained and end up back in the hospital. He in no way, wants to go back to living like that and very much enjoys being able to spend money like he does, so it's good motivation. I was very surprised to hear him the other day telling someone that they didn't need to worry because his pills protect him from schizophrenia. 

He's still working 3 days a week and enjoying it.

He actually took himself to work today for the first time in a long time. Usually my hubby takes him however hubby started his own job last week so he can only take my son on Sat. and Sun. now. 

I guess about a year ago my son bought an electric scooter. Had some issues with it and decided to sell it. Then he bought an E-bike... Decided he wanted a scooter again. So we sold the E-bike and used that money to get another scooter. This time was better as he had more reasonable expectations on what the scooter can and can't do. 

My son still struggles with wanting things, now... However I can't say that is a trait only belonging to someone diagnosed with mental illness. He is getting better at having, a little, patience. Sometimes if I can put off him getting what he is asking for then within a couple of days he will have changed his mind on wanting it. There has been several things over the past 2 months. A new PSP, contact lenses, glasses... His need for instant gratification may never go away as it doesn't in a lot of non-diagnosed as well. Due to the pandemic, some of these things are just going to have to wait, like contact lenses, as the services are not easily available in a way that he can deal with.

Back to my day... Just wanted to touch base and let everyone know that all is good. 

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2021. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Proof is in the Pudding (bottle)

A phrase I tend to use a lot is the proof is in the pudding... Basically it means talk is cheap. Make the pudding (do the action) then we will see if one is really capable of doing what they say they can do. Once the pudding is made... there is your proof.

This morning I found 3 empty bottles of alcohol in my son's backpack. Here in Canada we call them mickeys. 375ml bottles. 2 fireball whiskey and 1 captain morgan's rum.

I know that at least one of them if not two of  them are new. Yesterday he went for a ride... To the liquor store obviously and drank at least a mickey last night.

I've noticed for a couple of weeks now that my son seems a bit off. Nothing major but it's there and I couldn't put my finger on what it was causing it. In the back of my head I was beginning to question if his medications were starting to stop working. Now I know why... He's binge drinking again.

My son has an addictive personality. He can't just have one... Once triggered he seems to go through phases of needing to drink. I'm usually prepared for it after his birthday or special occasions like Christmas.

I'm starting to have trouble sleeping again. Waking up every 1-2 hours. This morning it kinda clicked in my head. Before when my son lived with me this would be my sleep pattern. As any parent out there with mentally ill children know... There is no letting our guards down completely.

I'm grateful that he is still taking his medications. That's why I don't sleep... It's constantly waking up to check on him and try to 'nicely' remind/tell him to take his medications without of course triggering his defiance. Without his medications and with the drinking he is doing he can be a step away from a relapse. Sadly that is all that it takes.

He has been spending long periods again just lying there... On his back, arms crossed over his chest. I really don't like seeing it. It's how someone looks in a coffin. He's what I call in his own head space. Not a good spot for him to be in for any length of time.

Usually he is waking us up all night, in and out smoking. How much he smokes tends to go down as well when he isn't doing well. He hasn't been smoking as much at night as he usually does. He's not even smoking weed like he normally does now that I think about it.... When he's not using his main crutch (marijuana), that's a red flag.

Of all the things that my son goes through with his diagnoses, I would have to say that addiction is what I dislike the most. I think I hate alcohol. I only have to look around me and remember my own past to remind myself why I don't want it in my life, ever again.

I'm out of practice I guess... Not that there is anything I can do to change what is happening except pray that God take away his need for alcohol. Geesh... Everyone's need for it!

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2020. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Least I Forget. Little Reminders. Granddaughter.

For those who noticed that my blog was unavailable for a little bit... For privacy reasons I had changed it to private however even with some of the grief that can come with publicly airing my life, I have decided to make it public again. However please note my copyright notice at the bottom of each page and post. Breaking up my blog into pieces and sharing it without my permission is not authorized.

I know how lost I was when I first starting down this new unknown road of mental illness. If my blog can help even one person to not feel alone then any grief that comes my way is worth it.

On to the important stuff...

My son is now officially living with me and hubby. Still have some things to work out with respect to his disability payments and I'm guessing now a couple years worth of income tax returns. It was assumed that the group home he was living in was taking care of these things for him. They did nothing regarding claiming his income with disability so now he owes disability a lot of money covering two years of overpayments. Since they didn't touch this, I think it's a pretty good bet they didn't do his taxes either.

Because he moved he now has a new caseworker and psychiatrist. His first appointment with the new caseworker was a bit bumpy. Not really her fault however my son got a bit stressed out when she kept asking him about relapse symptoms. It's been years now since his last relapse and as you can imagine, not a place he wants to go to or remember. We made that clear on his next appointment with the psychiatrist and caseworker that that line of questioning will only upset him.

Yesterday my son and I butted heads. It's easy to forget sometimes (most of the time) that he is diagnosed with mental illness and little life stresses can hit him hard. A couple of weeks ago he purchased an electric bike which he has been wanting for a long time. He hasn't been getting the correct amount of charge time. It's all new to me so a bit hard for me to navigate what charge readings mean. Of course he being disappointed got a little bit aggressive in his verbal and body language. I reacted... My bad.

My hubby doesn't handle aggression very well either due to his own diagnoses of anxiety etc. He went to the store and didn't take my son. He almost always takes my son on outings with him. It wasn't intentional however he needed to get away from the aggression my son was displaying.

Next think I know my son is well verbally bashing my hubby. Like I said... I reacted. I don't let anyone disrespect my hubby, including my own children.

Thankfully it didn't get out of hand and once I realized where my son and I were at I turned it around. I apologized to him for yelling in reaction and he apologized for being aggressive.

Still it was a reminder to me that my son isn't mentally 25 years old. Even if he is doing awesome, which he is, he is still not capable of handling disappointments and anxiety the same as someone without mental illness.

I would have to say that I was very proud of his ability to calm down and the two of us talk it out. He recognized that he got aggressive and that he has trouble with anxiety and coping with it.

I was also very proud of him during our meeting with his psychiatrist and caseworker as he seems to have no problem with his medications and likes them because they help him with his anxiety and help him sleep. My son when younger, used to have a lot of issues with his palms sweating. He hasn't had this for a long time now and he attributes this to his Clozapine. Chances are he's right. I have not discussed my son's medications in terms of psychosis since almost the beginning. It's always about the things he can see and recognize that helps him. Anxiety and sleep being the main things. He also stated that without his medications he probably wouldn't be working and he loves his job.

He surprised me even further when he told me that he doesn't even regret being inpatient anymore. That it probably did him some good. This came up when we were at the same hospital he was inpatient at before, waiting on the birth of his niece.

My granddaughter was born last month... Momma, baby and grandson are all doing great.

My daughter is handling being a single mom beautifully. You may recall that she lost her husband in September. I sometimes feel bad that I don't give her a lot of my attention and time. My own little world can get overwhelming at times. Thankfully she has 4 parental figures in her life. One day at church I was asked where my daughter was and I replied: She's at her mom and dads... One can never have too many moms and dads.

My daughter asked me for some help today so I should get my butt in gear...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2020. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tis the season. Merry Christmas!

Firstly I would like to wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

All I can think is wow what a year and I can't wait for it to be over...

At church I had my eyes opened to a word that I never really thought about before other then seeing it in the stores on advent calendars. You know the ones with little chocolates in it to countdown the days until Christmas. Well advent is the 4 weeks leading up to the celebration of the birth of Jesus.

I'm sure a lot has questioned the timing of this as I think most of us realize that Jesus wasn't born at Christmas. He was born sometime between March and October. While our calendars date the start of a new year in January... That was not always the case. Spring is the beginning. A time of renewal.

I seriously love Christmas! The last couple of years have been harder to celebrate and this year... I'm going to do my best to celebrate from the point of advent. A time to slow down and enjoy. A time of being grateful for what I do have. Yes a lot easier said than done.

We are pretty much settled into our new 'little' home. A lot to learn and a lot to not take for granted. Water, plumping, sewer, heating, condensation and cooking in a propane oven. All of it needs to be paid attention to and not taken for granted. I've pretty much got the timing of emptying our holding tanks figured out. Getting condensation in my closet and cupboards under control. Showering... Another adjustment on time and water management. Now it's trying to figure out how to cut down on drafts and better heat the place.

When it's just me and hubby here it's not so bad when it comes to lack of room. Add my son and sometimes my daughter and grandson. It gets a little tight. I feel bad when I tell my daughter no to babysitting however spending the day keeping the little one out of or away from my son and his 'mess' is not something one can look forward too. ;)

My son asked last night if he can half move in. He is going off of disability and the group home wants him to pay out of pocket more than what disability covered. I would have to agree with him that staying there wouldn't make sense. I have on occasion tried to look for housing for him. He's supposed to be getting help with this however I guess no one is having any luck with it.

Almost a month ago hubby had a mild stroke. He's gone off medications that he was taking to help stabilize his moods. Between that and his loss of feeling and functioning in his right side, it's hard for him to move around in such little space. Add my son who is in and out a lot of the night which keeps the trailer rocking and disturbing his sleep.

The doctor put hubby on blood pressure and cholesterol medications. His blood pressure is now the best it's been in years so that's a good thing. He's finally not bulking at me trying to put us on a better diet of less salt, sugar and just overall more healthy. Struggling to get used to his CPAP machine for sleep apnea. He needs to get used to it though as sleep apnea causes lack of oxygen to the brain therefore causing more stress on the body and therefor raising blood pressure.

Where am I at with all this? Most days struggling. A couple of times I've been all gung-ho about going back to work. Honestly a part of me is so looking forward to getting back out there around people and helping to financially support us. Okay... Just planning getting out of here. I feel stifled.

Each time I start something happens that makes me rethink what I'm doing. Aside for all the rest I'm in the beginning stages of menopause. Possible about to go fully menopausal. My normal cycle is every 21 days. Yup twice a month. I went 4-5 months where I only had 3. Great right! I started looking for work and ended up with 2 last month. Not so great as they hit me hard and heavy. Spent days fighting off a migraine.

Even if I didn't have to worry about that... Guess who does and takes care of pretty much everything? Am I supposed to work and come home and take care of everything at home too? I'm not even sure at this point how capable he is to cook for himself.

Edit: Section removed due to privacy reasons.

I guess the next decision we have to make is whether to let my son stay here from Monday to Friday every week. Last week we had discussed cutting it down a day.

Oh well... If any of my readers want to pray for us I would greatly appreciate it!

I probably won't blog again until the new year. Hopefully it will be with good news that at least his pension is sorted out!

Ohhh I felt my grandaughter move!

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Loss and Life Changes

It's been a month of changes that are still in the process of happening.

A month ago we lost my son-in-law to an unfortunate accident which set the wheels in motion for a lot of changes for all of us.

I am no longer Nanny to my grandson as he is now in daycare. He has adjusted wonderfully to the change. It's taking me a little more time however I'm getting there.

My daughter is about to start a new journey of being on her own, in her own place. She is also expecting a little girl in February. I'm going to have a granddaughter!

Hubby and I had to make some difficult choices on what to do next as we were in a bit of bind on where to go. Financially it was a pretty bad year for us so we didn't appear to have many options or resources available to us. With some nudging on my hubby's part we looked into the idea of buying a year round trailer to live in. With God's help and a lot of praying we got financing for a used fifth wheel RV.

Hubby applied for his pension just over a month ago and we are currently waiting for that to start paying. Praying we get the paperwork in the mail soon so that we have an income coming in. I'm looking into going back to work so that hubby doesn't have to. The next month will be a bit of juggling until things get straightened out.

The church that we belong to has been a great source of strength and help. Sometimes it's hard to not feel alone however with my faith in God and the people from church coming together in our time of need, it has been an uplifting experience of hope.

The next week or so will be us going through everything we own as we have to downsize a lot. The RV is fully furnished with not a lot of storage space so it's time to 'clean house'.

My son is doing great. I sometimes smile at the realization that he is the least of my concerns and handling his own life pretty good. He's being med compliant and even following through on his own with making calls etc to get his blood work done. I warned him last night that he may not want to visit me next week as I probably won't have any internet. He still wants to come.

I would have to check the date however I'm a year clean sometime this month! Yah me!

Until next time...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The five long languages and self-love.

I find myself sitting here and thinking about what happens when we allow ourselves to become as sick as the people around us.

At one point I was pretty much living and breathing schizophrenia in my quest to help my son. Everything I did was with him in mind and I ended up needing antidepressants myself.

Whether it's mental health or physical health, it's so easy to let ourselves become our environment.

Yesterday was hubby's birthday and two weeks before that was mine... Needless to say it hasn't been a better year with respect to these dates then it has been in the past. I can't recall when the last time was that we shared any of these important dates on a good note. Perhaps we never have. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Mother's Day... All seem to become.... Well worse than any other day.

I have to ask myself why?

My journey of self-discovery with Christianity is teaching me to look at myself first. Even if I don't want to, I find myself expecting more during these times. Expecting my hubby to put others first. To me more precise, to put me first. I really do know better however feelings sadly to not care what is logical. So everytime I set myself up for hurt.

Really the fault is mine. I shouldn't expect more on any given day. I shouldn't put my hopes in other people's actions. I know where my hope should be... Where my longing for love should be. It's not with Man. It's with God. I know He is the only one that can fill that emptiness. Still not as easy as that. I wish it was. That's where expectations tend to mess things up.

I have recently learned about the five love languages. While we receive and give love using all five: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and physical touch, we tend to appreciate one or more of these more then the others.

Hubby and I actually discussed these a little bit one day and are now more aware of what each others are. You would think that would help us.... It only helps when one is willing to look outside oneself.

I did a self-test and discovered I seem to be in a three-way tie with words of affirmation, acts of service and quality time. Still I know that my main one is acts of service. It's how I show everyone that I love them, by doing things for them. Words have very little meaning to me when actions are not there to support the words. It's certainly not physical touch since I tend to shy away for physical contact. My hubby's is most likely physical touch. I've always known that to some degree. So even when we are not getting along I still hold his hand when we are out because if I don't... Things just keep going downhill.

So it's expectations that like I said, mess things up. Now that he knows my love language... Nothing has changed.

The fault is with me, expecting things to chance.

Physically and mentally that puts me in a situation where I am allowing someone else to have control over my health. Because I want hubby to show me that he loves me by doing something... anything. Make a healthy dinner. Keep his word. The list can go on. I get unhealthy. I wait for someone else to take care of me and I get disappointed when it doesn't happen.

It's a cycle I need to break. I know what I need and I know how to take care of myself. I know when I'm doing these things for myself that I feel so much better. Physically and mentally.

Time for me to do my exercises and eat before I get my grandson for the day.

To all the caregivers out there: Take care of yourself. Take the time to eat right and find some me-time to do something that is selfishly for yourself only.

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

An apology...

I have debated deleting some of my blog posts as they have perhaps been a bit to harsh. While I try not to, a lot of the times when I blog it's because I'm feeling overwhelmed with things and I find this a great outlet. Of course being a public blog, anyone can read it... I have thought about changing that as well however that is just my emotions getting in the way again.

So while I am not deleting anything, I am deeply sorry that anything that I have written has caused my daughter any pain or upset.

Regardless of anything that I have written, my daughter is and always has been someone that I look up to. None of us are perfect, certainly not myself. I know I still have a long ways to go to be the person that I want to be.

As for my daughter... A phrase I have always liked: Perfectly imperfect. She's beautiful inside and out. She has a heart of gold and has forgiven me more then any mother could hope for. With her to lead the way I am now over 6 months clean and I have found my faith. She has given me a precious gift of being grandmother.

So to my daughter: I hope that you will always know how much I love you and what having you in my life means to me. I really wouldn't change any of it.

Love Mom.

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

6 months clean. Now what? Praying.

On the 17th I was clean from drugs for 6 months. As I'm sure I've said before, being clean is actually the easiest thing in my life right now. Living in a drug free environment I'm sure plays a big part.

Would that one day I could say that my son had some clean time under his belt. The last time he was here he again mentioned living with us. I don't really know exactly what the plan is or who is doing what however it seems that his dad is helping him to save to get his own place as the group home he is living in is closing. While my son is looking forward to this change, I am not. I have no idea who is going to be responsible for his medications, him taking them, or who is going to have control over his money. The condition for him living with me is that I have power of attorney. Trust me the last thing I want is to have control over his money and medications however given that we know what is capable of happening when he is sick, we can't have that around my grandson.

My son smokes a lot of marijuana. The last time he was here he actually didn't smoke a lot on the first night. What a difference. It was like having my son here. I know there are a lot of benefits to marijuana however not if one has psychosis. I certainly wish the world or those who advocate for it understood the damage it does to someone predisposed to psychosis. It's not a one size fits all. My son doesn't smoke too much then get all cuddly and get the munchies. He loses contact with this world in a bad way.

I've thought about calling his dad and asking what the plan is.... Given past experience I'm not sure it would do much good. I would probably get accused of meddling and/or get a lot of: I don't knows....

A couple of weeks ago my hubby left to go back to where we moved from last year, for work. He didn't leave in a good way and I wasn't a part of the decision to go. In fact I've had to make it known that we didn't break up. Not that it didn't feel like it at the time.

I've been reading a book called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. His website: Gary Thomas
I can honestly say that I love this book. The hard part is that the more it shows me how a marriage could be, the more it shows me how lacking my own marriage is. Don't get me wrong, my marriage is something I can't even imagine myself walking away from. I have a lot of work ahead of me. Not just as a wife but as a newly born Christian woman.

I think I have finally gotten rid of most of the fleas on my cats. At least I haven't found any on them in the last week. Knock on wood. Apparently vinegar kills and repels them so I've started mopping my floors with it. It's also not harmful to the cats like most store bought household cleaners so bonus.

Here where I'm living, it seems like spring has finally sprung! Can't say the same for where hubby is. Karma ;) I know... not really nice of me but what can I say... I've been trying to get into the habit of getting myself and my grandson outside for a bit during the day now to enjoy the nice weather.

I also need to start getting healthy again and lose a little weight. All my 'big' cloths are now my tight cloths. Not that I'm complaining as it's part of the recovery process. Having gone so long without getting the right nutrition or even enough to eat due to using, I have to give my body a break and rebuild some stamina. Still it's time....

I had other things on my mind to B about... However I will leave them in my head where they belong. Actually I will give them God, where they belong. Just another step in the process of learning to let go. Now I'm learning to: Let go and let God.

I'm also working on something that I thought I had a good handle on and that's unconditional love. When it comes to my children and most of the world, it's easy. When it comes to my hubby, not so much. It's harder when you have expectations of someone that you consider to by half of yourself and therefore half as capable.

Bye for now....

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Relationships, Church, Recovery and live goes on.

I will start with my son... He is good. Still smoking too much marijuana and drinking too much. Not to sure what it will take to change that. We pick him up from his Nanna's on Sunday after church and after he is done work and he spends the night. He works 2 days a week and is taking his medications. I am grateful for the mental health system as he is still under it and therefor medication compliant which as far as I can see what is keeping him stable.

Hubby and I go to church every Sunday. Slowly I am taking on some of the responsibility of church media. I am rediscovering my relationship with God. In all honesty it may be the only relationship that is making much sense to me right now and helping me to deal with the ones that aren't making any sense.

Hubby and I seem up and down on a daily basis. More down then up... I don't know what is happening with him and there is a part of me that doesn't want to figure it out anymore.

As I try to learn some scripture and how to walk in life following his teachings... I'm trying to learn how to take myself, or my emotions, out of the picture as it's usually our emotions that confuse things. His are all over the place and normally negative. So as I try to keep myself in a place of calm I find myself having to pull away. Not a good thing I guess when it's your marriage however it's that or we are both negative and I no longer want to be a part of living life in such a way.

Part of rediscovering my relationship with God is learning to have faith and trust in his ability to take care of things. I, of course, am have trouble with that as I'm a bit of a control freak when it comes to having control over the things I'm expected to be responsible for. However therein also lies the answer. I am not responsible for.... anything except my own-self and reactions.

Then there is my relationship with my daughter, her hubby and their son. I think my daughter and I are both experiencing adjustment issues and even at times regret. Or maybe it's just me... It's hard to tell as there is so much I can't say to her. That's not true... I can however her reactions are generally pretty strong. I struggle with understanding that as it seems that others can say so much more to her with less reaction yet I've been the one that has always been the most understanding and non-judgmental. Perhaps that in itself is the problem. I really don't know anymore.

So I find myself yet again trying to take myself out of the equation. Well how do I do that when we are all sharing the same home. It's tough. There is so much that I see that I am so disappointed to see. Trust me I don't expect to see them being the perfect parents as none of us are and as grandparents we generally get the opportunity to try to do better then we did as parents. However there are still minimum expectations that one should have of being sober parents and I don't see them.

Which brings me to recovery. I am now 4 months clean from drugs. That has been the easiest if you can believe that. My cravings are usually dependent on what is happening around me emotionally. Which is also why I find myself pulling away from a lot. I know that I have probably disappointed my daughter in that I have not been attending recovery meetings with her. I thought that it would be something that I would need however it's not as addiction is the least of my concerns. Also I have been through it all before and regardless of using or not, most of the steps are how I've tried to live my life for a long time. It's just not something that I feel that I need right now.

Recovery for me is so much more then just not using. It's changing the way you think, act and react. It's taking responsibility for your own actions and choices.

One day I made a comment to my hubby regarding how many cigarettes I was smoking. I told him that as long as he put them in front of me, I would smoke them. I did the same thing with cocaine. For months I blamed my addiction on him. I couldn't get clean because he was bringing it home... He stopped bringing it home once I took responsibility for my own actions and made the choice to no longer have it in my life, period.

As to what I see here... My own opinion of course. I see people living an addicts life, sober. Meaning not much is changing with respect to taking responsibility for one's actions and trying to be better. How do I tell my daughter and hubby, nicely, that it's like they are in competition on who can be the worst... That because one does wrong it doesn't mean the other does wrong too. In the end it's my grandson that is losing and honestly it is driving me nuts.

I have seriously questioned my decision to be here in the last 3 months. I have come to terms with that and I am glad that I came. It's just the day to day dealings that I do struggle with. I moved her not to room and board and share a whole house but to rent a separate basement suite. That hasn't worked out so well so far. My kitchen is the laundry room. So basically I have a barely functioning kitchen and so far little has been done to correct that.

I do however have new floors in my living room. The house has fleas and we have been trying really hard to get rid of them as my own cat has herself chewed raw. Treating the cats is not enough when they are still in the home so we have been ripping up all the old carpets. Hubby took out the ones in our living room and his room. Yes we still have our own room ;). My daughter's hubby then laid some hardwood floor in my living room. On this I would say hubby and I were both impressed. He is really good at what he does and did a really good job. They have now started ripping up the carpets upstairs as well.

I babysit my grandson... My daughter started work a couple of months ago which I'm very proud of her. While taking care of him is a joy that I am so grateful to have in my life it is also hard at times. Most of the time I don't even know day to day if I'm babysitting. While I want them to be able to rely on me to be there I also don't want to be taken for granted and just assume that whenever they need, I'm there, with no warning.

I'm off for now. Time to make a fresh coffee...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Another move... 2 month chip.

Yes we moved again...

This time we pretty much moved across Canada, from Ontario to British Columbia. We have moved into an in-law suite in my daughter's basement.

The drive itself went much better than I was expecting. Being here has been a bit more of an adjustment then I was expecting. At the moment we are mostly in our own suite however don't have a functioning kitchen yet so I think we are all finding it a little bit since everyone is used to having their own space.

Upside... I'm finally in the same province as both of my kids (and my grandson) which hasn't been since my kids where small.

For the first time in a couple of years now I have set up my christmas tree... There are now 4 cats in the household and 2 of them are loving my tree! ;) Been doing some reading and it looks like I may have to try cayenne pepper. It's not the tree so much but the electrical since my tree came with the lights already strung on it and I don't want one of them chewing on a bulb.

I have seen my son a couple of times. He is doing good. Pretty much the same as he has been for the past couple of years. Smoking weed, it's now legal here, which noticeably triggers some of his 'different' thinking. Of course it took all of about 1 hour of him seeing me to ask about moving in with me. If I was on my own then I would seriously consider working with him on it however I'm not and I'm pretty sure without the system in place that is keeping him on his medications than relapse would be a distinct possibility.

I went to a CA (cocaine anonymous) meeting with my daughter the other night and received my 2 month chip or fop for being clean. Yeah me!

I think I'm one of the lucky addicts that as long as it's not in my environment then I'm good. In July I came out to see my daughter and that gave me a break from the using. A chance to get my feet under me and my thinking clear enough to know that an addicts life is not the life that I want for myself. So with a little backbone or what I call 'won't power', I was finally able to find the strength to start on the right path to recovery.

Just wanted to pop in and do a quick update....

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Just a quick hello

I'm sorry for those that follow this blog for how long it's been. A year...

We moved, my hubby and I, into a 2 bedroom apartment last. I like it, hubby doesn't.

My daughter is doing awesome! She has her son and is engaged. She recently took her one year for being clean. Her fiance too. Sadly they aren't living close as they moved to BC last year.

I can't say last year ended on a good note. First time I didn't put up a Christmas Tree. Well it's over now.

My son is still doing very good. In fact...

I saw him and my daughter and grandson last month! Too see them all together was beyond words and I'm so thankful that I went out to see them. My grandson stole my heart even more. My daughter was worried that I might have too high expectations on him warming up to me. No worries there! He wanted me to take him out of his car seat when we got home from the airport.

The family dynamics wasn't as bad as I expected while there. You see, I'm not clean, yet. With that comes a certain amount of prejudice or stigma. Perhaps stigma is a better word. What they believe an addict to be. What they believe me to be. I can assure you that not all addicts are 'tared from the same brush'. We are not all the same. Some of us strive to maintain our morals and hold onto our humanity even as we try to fight our addictions.

It's hard to acknowledge that at times one does care what others think of them. Very much so in this instance because I still consider them family. My kids family... my family. My kids Nana doesn't think I should be able to attend my daughter's wedding. Granted she also didn't think I had the right to enter the group home my son is currently living in, which has nothing to do with my addiction. My ex apparently seems to think I would use drugs around my grandson. All of which I'm properly peeved over.

So yes I'm still using. To put into perspective, a lot less them most people drink alcohol and smoke weed. Not that that justifies my using because it doesn't. Every day I'm trying to kick that habit back into remission where it belongs. Some weeks are better then others. It's one helluva uphill battle. Most days I'm fighting it alone. But then again being alone in these battles is not so new to me. However trying to do it for 2 people is tougher then I was prepared for.

I think my biggest hurdle is facing all the pain of betrayal that I felt when everything came to light. It still hurts, alot. Perhaps it's a grieving process. I'm ok with it all as much as I can be. I don't resent anyone or even have hard feelings. It just still hurts and I think I'm shying away from that pain. I'm working on it, daily, as I know I have to move on.

As for my marriage. I think we have spent this year in a state of limbo. Going nowhere. Mentally I think I've found my limit on what I can carry. I have to say at the moment that I'm quit worn out.

And ready for bed...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2018. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

This circus has 2 Ringleaders

I think I'm just going to have to accept that my life is never going to be without it's complications.

A couple of days ago I meet with my counselor from the ADAPT program for addiction.

Without going into all the dirty details... I found out that my husband and daughter were using drugs together. I found out that my husband didn't go and stay clean 4 years ago like I thought he did. I found out that everyone but me knew that he was using and helped him and my daughter to keep it from me.  I know right... 3 months later and yeah it still hurts big time. However it is getting better.

Some may be thinking: leave him, kick him out....

Whether you believe addiction is a disease or not, it's not something that I believe in turning my back on family for. After-all I'm an addict too and well I ended up relapsing too. Sad yes I know. Basically 15 years clean of my drug of choice and I'm back struggling with urges that I thought were long in my past.

So even if I did leave my husband. That still leaves my daughter. Like the title says: This circus has 2 Ringleaders: Senior is my husband, Junior is my daughter. It also has an 11 month old baby that needs his family.

I understand addiction, which helps, however it's not helping me with my feelings of betrayal, hurt and of course the anger. Honestly thinking back I couldn't have coped without something. Using helped me to be able to think about it all without completely losing it. In hindsight I guess a prescription of Valium or Perks would have been the more logical choice or at least the choice that wouldn't have ended up with my daughter making the choice to put her son in foster care.

Still I find myself not regretting the choice to use with my husband. Amidst all the rest, jealousy reared it's ugly head. Jealousy that my daughter had a relationship with my husband that I wasn't a part of or even understood. Using comes with a certain amount of intimacy. An intimacy that my husband and I had long lost. Now I know why but for the past say two years I couldn't understand what was happening or why.

As with any addiction it's progressive. As time was going by the family unit was dying. There was no family time of watching our TV shows like we used to during the week after dinner. No spending the weekends together. Everyone was busy... I was home, with the baby most of the time, being 'the curtain'. The person that was helping to present to the rest of the world and The Children's Aid Society the happy, stable, functioning lie that everything was ok.

What happened when I joined that circus? It seems I became the bad guy for a lot of people. Everyone was ok with me being in the dark and being lied to. Not so much ok with me letting the curtain fall and all hell break lose. Well tough shit I say!

I'm done being everyone else's pillar or curtain or justification for any of their choices.

So many emotions I'm still struggling with. So many times I have heard from different people since I found out that they are so happy that I now know because they didn't like lying to me. Really! Great, thanks! Now that everyone else is absolved of feeling any guilt over their actions... Yes I still sometimes wonder how they can look me in the face at all. Like I said I understand addiction but that doesn't really help that much. The lying and manipulations are a choice and don't have to be a part of using.

There are so many things from the past couple of years that at the time I was so utterly confused and frustrated about because I couldn't understand what was going on. It was all just making me feel like a failure... Nothing I was doing was right or helping or fixing what I could see was falling apart but like I said: didn't know why.

So many situations that have been tainted with the truth of it all. One being my wedding. I'm pretty sure they all feel pretty good about the fact that they were all apparently without drugs on my special day. Not saying much for the rest of the trip or the fact that my husband and his brother couldn't seem to get it together enough to even dress themselves properly. I can now think about that day and look at pictures and still feel some form of happiness that it was my wedding day. I still love my wedding dress!

I finally got around to tidying up my basement and starting a new puzzle. I love doing puzzles. Our basement walls are covered in the puzzles we have as a family done together... unfortunately I was the only straight one doing them. For a bit I couldn't look at them without wanting to take them all down. The puzzle I started is a new one that has nothing to do with the past. My own form of therapy.

There are more... I've asked my counselor with ways to cope with the short term feelings of hurt and anger that overcome me when certain things come to light. We will discuss these next week. As time goes by there will be more situations that will make sense now that I have a clue.

From the start my daughter has said to me: How could you have not know? You had blinders on. I say: No, not really. One can't see what one doesn't know. How could I know the difference between my husband or her for that matter, using and not using if they were never clean?

Now I'm working on getting some structure back into my own life. Getting back into using my stepper and exercising. I started back doing my inside sales job a couple of days ago. Eating right, sleeping right. Back on my anti-depressants.

Most of all, wanting to find a way to get my grandson back with family, however that might look like. My daughter is currently living in a dry-group home. Which means they monitor for drugs and alcohol. Baby-daddy is currently living with me. Another complicated situation. Visitation at the moment is one day a week at my place and one day a week with my daughter at the group home. The times should go up with each passing week as long as we all stay clean.

Not sure how all that is going to play out. My daughter needs to be in her own place in order to get her son back full time. Or back here but she seems pretty determined that my place is not a safe place. I say: bullshit! How safe my place is, is on her own choices and always have been. She will have to make the same choices here or on her own when it comes to using. But for the moment these are not my choices to make. I'm really hoping that given the time her and baby-daddy will get their son back.

Now for some good news! My son is doing really good. I guess just over a month ago, he was transferred to a group home. Yes a big step. A lot more freedom however still with structure when it comes to taking his medications. He calls me once or twice a week. Usually just to talk about what is going on with his laptop and the games that he is playing.

Time for a fresh cup of coffee and my Facebook games!

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Regret vs Guilt

I took part in my daughter's counselling session today and afterwords I was thinking about something her counselor said. Something to the affect of: It took me a long time to not feel guilty about enjoying my alone time.

I don't know when I stopped feeling guilty as a general rule. Sure there are times when I feel guilt. Like when my son calls and I'm putting my grandson to sleep so I don't answer my phone. I know why he is calling. So yes I feel fleeting moments of it.

I regret a lot of things that have happened but no I don't feel guilt about them anymore. I certainly don't feel guilty about what I feel. Good or bad.

Over the years there have been phrases or teachings that I have held on to. Some are from a rehabilitation course that I took, others from my many hours reading articles on the internet.

There are no right or wrong feelings. We can't not feel what we feel. We can learn to act and react differently to those feelings.

Give yourself the same love and compassion you would someone else. I may expect more from myself that I do others however I'm not harder on myself for those expectations.

My daughter has been having a bit of a tough time emotionally. Adjusting to being a mother doesn't happen overnight. Yes there are and will be times when one wants to walk away from it all. Hand over the crying baby, call someone, anyone, and spend the whole night playing cards....

There are times when I don't want to be Gramma. Strike that. There are times when I don't want to me mom, still. I can feel guilty for feeling that way or I can accept that what I feel is natural and in my opinion, to be expected.

When I give myself the right to feel these things without guilt and react to them with love and compassion then they don't feel so overwhelming anymore. I can feel them and let them pass, as they do.

I wouldn't give up being Mom or Gramma for the world. So letting guilt over feelings that I have no control over, get a hold on me, just doesn't make sense to me.

Sometimes I say things that could be left unsaid. Do things that didn't have to be done. For those things I feel regret. I don't feel guilt. At that moment in time it felt justified or I would not have done or said them.

We have enough things to weigh us down without adding the very things that make us human.

BarbieBF
Mom
Gramma

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2017. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Proverbial Housewife

Yes that's me....

The one that is sitting at home putting away groceries and doing laundry while everyone else is off doing their thing.

My daughter is at the mall, 'running away from home' or me. Dare I say, being a brat.

Something that I haven't shared about the amazing birth of my grandson is that several days after his birth I became his primary caregiver.

As of yesterday I am now supervisor... In my eyes I don't really see much of a distinction in the two roles as my daughter is still limited to two or three hours a day of unsupervised time with her son.

I feel stuck. Stuck in a situation of my own choosing because of the things that I think are important. Family.

Over the last several months I have heard more times than I can count phrases like: You're a homebody and don't like to go out. You are home anyways. You want to be home. You don't like going on these outings.

Yes I'm a homebody. I love my home and have little reason to seek enjoyment or anything else outside of it. That doesn't mean that I don't enjoy getting out of it. That doesn't mean that there aren't times when I want to 'run away' from the stress and responsibilities that are here. That doesn't mean that I don't want to spend some one on one time going for a drive with my husband.

My daughter and I have been butting heads for the last little bit. Mom speaking up doesn't seem to go over well with my children. :)

Any relationship needs a certain amount of give and take. Right now I'm feeling like a much worn out doormat. Feed him, change him, put him to bed, babysit... But don't tell me that I'm not burping him right (at all), getting up with him or question any of the other decisions that I'm making.

If she was living on her own then making decisions on what items to get rid of or what trips she would like to take or even her sleep schedule would be completely in her control and the consequences of those decisions would be completely on here. Such is not currently the case.

Yesterday it was about how she was feeding him. Today I have set her off by commenting on the fact that she is wanting to give away something that I use every morning to feed her son. Is it hers to give away? Absolutely. That's not really the point. Being an adult doesn't mean making decisions without taking other people into consideration. Certainly not the people that are there everyday. However when I say something I'm treating her like a child.

The other thing that is gnawing at me is money. I'm not asking for a lot considering we are helping out with pretty much everything. So yes when I see/hear my daughter talking about doing things with her money when I'm looking at the fact that we don't have enough money right now to cover what is coming out on the 1st, I tend to get a bit edgy.

When I comment on these types of things well she gets to go to the mall while I get dropped off at home to put away the groceries. When I let lose some of that frustration my husband walks out slamming the door.

Why did it frustrate me that she was going to the mall? She doesn't have a key so even as she is getting away from me and my criticism she is counting on me to be there when she gets home. Why? Because I love being at home. How much you wanna bet that right now I would rather be somewhere else?

Guess what... Where am I going to go and with whom? I don't have any friends. I don't have a life outside of the home because years ago I made the choice to leave my job, stay at home and eventually dedicate my life to my family.

My husband gave her his key. Called and asked if I wanted to go with him on his next drive about. My first thought: Hell yeah! Guess what? That will be leaving my daughter unsupervised for a lot longer then two or three hours. I'm the only one that thinks like that. :(

Recently she was visiting family and I'm pretty sure got used to barely being supervised at all. No that wasn't a good thing... She did however become more comfortable in the role of motherhood. That tends to happen when you are expected to do...

Now the honeymoon phase of her return is over and I'm trying to yet again find that balance between support and enabling.

Why can't I expect to be treated like others? Given a certain amount of respect and consideration? Not be lashed out at just because I make a comment that isn't to her liking? Why can't I expect her to step up without all the attitude?

So yeah as I listen to my daughter and husband talk about her working outside of the home. Getting baby daddy a job. My daughter looking down on the job I do have because I don't get paid frequently. My husband saying: Why can't you get a job?

Yes I guess I could if I wasn't the proverbial housewife.

Anyways, some laundry is calling my name. Thanks for listening.

Mom
Gramma
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Who needs toddlers when....

you have three, one of them a frisky not yet a year old, cats?

Just sitting her listening to Frosty run around, bugging the other two cats while he has one of his frisky moments as I call them. Where nothing is safe and nowhere is out of reach!

I know I haven't been around. Sorry about that... Yesterday I popped onto blogger and noticed the number of times my pages have been viewed. They are all over 400 views! Wow.

I have about an hour in between work shifts so thought I would stop in and say hi. *waves*

I hope that everyone is doing ok, or at least surviving.

Sometimes I feel a bit guilty for not coming here often however for right now my life is not about schizophrenia or mental illness and honestly I'm loving it. I'm sure there will come a time when I'm yet again living and breathing schizophrenia and therefore pouring my soul out here but for right now life is good.

If you are reading, I'm sure you are wondering how my son is doing. Not bad actually. He calls fairly regularly and sometimes when he doesn't want anything. ;)

Financially I'm not helping him much. I try to send him cigarettes every couple of weeks as I know he doesn't have much spending money. He's in a long term treatment facility. He has his own room and a fair amount of freedom providing he follows the rules. If he gets drug tested and it comes back positive then he loses some privileges. His medications are being administered to him. As far as I know he is still on Clozapine and Lithium.

As part of some of the programs or services they provide there, he participates in doing things that pay him a small fee. He goes out on outings like snow boarding.

Recently he started a medication that is supposed to help with alcohol cravings. I haven't looked up which medication. The last time I talked to him I asked him why he was doing it because not wanting to drink doesn't sound like my son to me. He agreed that he didn't want to stop drinking but his doctor wanted him to try it so he is. My theory is that he is hoping that it will get him transferred out of there faster if he does what they want. Either way if it helps... Regardless of his motivation it shows that he is able to look at long term goals and what is needed to achieve them.

I can't wait for tomorrow...

My daughter and grandson have been away since before Christmas! We will be picking them up at the airport tomorrow morning. Can't wait to hold that baby in my arms! My daughter too. ;)

Hubby and I are doing great. As much as we are looking forward to tomorrow morning, we have very much enjoyed our one on one time.

Going to go warm up my coffee and head back to work. I'll try not to be such a stranger...

Love
BarbieBF
Mom
Grandma

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

He's here....

My grandson that is.

What a beautifully perfect little guy. Baby and mom are doing good. Mom is breastfeeding and I have no experience with that so we have gone to a couple of breastfeeding clinics. He is gaining really well and feeding a lot. We had to do a little hunting around to find some infant probiotic as he has some trouble passing his gas. He was born with low blood sugar so had an extended stay in the hospital for observation.

He may be a baby model! His other grandma brought up getting baby pictures done and as luck would have it when I googled a baby photographer in our area I found one that needs to take pictures of newborns for a project. Due to this my daughter should be getting his done for free.

Hubby and I got married! Yup now he's my official hubby, not my common-law hubby. :)

I'm still working...

Just got Frosty fixed. All three fur-babies are doing good. Gucci, the big black one, has even lost some weight.

My son is doing good. I don't think he is doing as good as he should be by now. I was finally able to talk to his case worker at the treatment facility. My son finally gave permission... I'm supposed to be sending them my son's history of medication etc. Will try to get that done this weekend actually. My computer has been in the shop. Just got it back yesterday. Oh my did I miss it! My boss got me a notebook to use for work. That is all I could use it for. Can barely play Facebook games... Now that I got mine back I can print off the notes and get them faxed over.

I brought up to his worker that I want him re-diagnosed that I believe there is more going on then psychosis. His ADHD is still not being treated. No one is trying to help him understand addiction which is in my opinion his biggest issue.

He got some teeth pulled the other day. Between using, smoking and not taking care of them they were a mess.

I do believe my daughter saw/spoke with him and family last night on Skype. I fell asleep on the sofa so hubby put me to bed. The last couple of nights baby has been keeping me and momma on our toes. Unfortunately I don't get to nap when baby naps.

Just wanted to check in and let everyone know that all is good.

Mom
Grandma
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

It's a little Frosty

I know it's been awhile...

We got another kitten. His name is Frosty. Frosty and Kiwi are great together and have become the best of friends. Still no more visiting places that have fur-babies! :) The vet bills are ridiculous. Kiwi needs to get fixed and Frosty will be next. My daughter wants me to let them have a litter first. No way!



My daughter is 6 months pregnant now. It's going to be a boy. I have felt him move a couple of times! Yup pretty awesome!

My son is doing better. They finally put him back on Clozapine/Clozaril. He still only calls when he wants something. I finally gave in and sent him his laptop. If he 'loses it' then it's gone. I won't be buying him another one like it that's for sure.

He did call yesterday. I didn't answer as we were eating dinner. The next time he called I was in bed. Hopefully today he will call at a better time. I'm guessing it will be to ask for money so that he can upgrade or play a computer game that isn't free.

Summer is finally here! Spent a couple of days rearranging a flowerbed in my back yard. That was hard work. My pansies aren't having a good time of it as they are not getting enough sun. I'm loving feeding and watching the birds though. So far I have seen several types. Other then the finches: blue-jays, cardinals, woodpeckers, grackles, robins, doves and of course the squirrels. One day I even saw a chipmunk but haven't seen him since.

My work has been tediously slow, as too the pay. ;) Hopefully that will turn around soon.

We are getting married next month! It will be a really small affair. We are driving to see my step-mom that I haven't seen in way too long and are doing it there. Yes I'm excited!

That's it for now... Didn't want anyone wondering. Things are going good.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Blueberry to Kiwi and a heartbeat.

Say hello to the newest member of our family. Fur-baby Kiwi.

At first my daughter named her Blueberry as her eyes were blue however I'm guessing just as human babies are usually born with blue eyes that change color, so too do kittens.

It has taken some time for Gucci to adjust as she can be a bit of a tyrant where Gucci is concerned. Gucci seems to be her favorite toy and Gucci's tail her favorite thing to stalk. On a good note, Gucci is getting more exercise! Now Gucci tolerates her napping beside her.

Yes I know, Gucci is a bit overweight. About 2 pounds according to the last vet visit. I have cut down on her wet food so hopefully she will lose a bit.

Kiwi has taken a liking to sleeping on my pillow when she sleeps with me. Gucci always wakes me up in the morning, usually between 5:30-6:30, by licking, head-butting or little nips on my ear if I ignore her too long. This morning I woke up to Kiwi on my pillow licking one side of my face and Gucci on the other side of pillow licking the other side of my face. Hard to wake up in a bad mood when you are being greeted with that!

2 weeks ago my daughter had her first appointment with the OBGYN. Neither one of us was expecting to hear what we did. The baby's heartbeat. We both cried... She has her first ultrasound appointment tomorrow.

My daughter is currently upstairs, in bed. She should be on her way to school. My daughter is being my daughter... Doing things the hard way. For the past 2 weeks she has only attended school 2 days each week.

Hubby called this morning to ask if she was up and should he text her. No. She only lies anyways and says she is up when she isn't. According to her she isn't lying because she sticks her foot of the bed so therefor her foot is up. Cute the first couple of times... Now, not so much. I have no intentions of ruining my mornings by calling and calling her until she gets snippy about it. It's her schooling and her tuition that she will have to pay back.

It's somewhat hard to not get pissy about her old group of friends that insist on contributing to her being up late, talking on the phone, however I lay the blame where it belongs, at her feet. I may not have to worry about that one too much shortly though. I have been telling her that I'm not going to pay her phone bill if it keeps up. I guess soon they are going to cut off outgoing calls. Good.

The other thing is Netflix. She watches it til all hours of the night/morning. I have been warning her that she won't be able to watch it on my internet... Last night I disconnected it. She can watch it on her phone however she will just be running up a bigger bill.

I didn't see her yesterday. She stayed in her room all day and didn't come out until I went to bed, even though I called her for dinner. *sigh*

Diagnosed, non-diagnosed...! ;)

Friday my son was taken to the long-term treatment facility. His Nana called crying that he was gone... I told her half way through the conversation that it's a good thing I'm a calm person and asked: Gone where? before I reacted. He has called me a couple of times to ask for money. Last night I asked him if he would sign a consent for me to talk to his doctor there. No, he wants to keep everything between him and his doctor. He asked if I would send out the laptop. I told him that I'm not comfortable with it being where I can't keep an eye on it. He could easily sell a $3000 laptop for $100 if he wanted marijuana bad enough. Then he suggested that perhaps he should come back here. Only if power of attorney is signed which is apparently against his religion. He agreed it is. :)

As for how he is. It's hard to tell. From what his Nana tells me, not good at all. He denies having any hallucination symptoms, voices etc when talking to me. He sounds fairly in the present however it's only for short periods that I'm talking to him.

Need to get ready for work...

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.