For those who noticed that my blog was unavailable for a little bit... For privacy reasons I had changed it to private however even with some of the grief that can come with publicly airing my life, I have decided to make it public again. However please note my copyright notice at the bottom of each page and post. Breaking up my blog into pieces and sharing it without my permission is not authorized.
I know how lost I was when I first starting down this new unknown road of mental illness. If my blog can help even one person to not feel alone then any grief that comes my way is worth it.
On to the important stuff...
My son is now officially living with me and hubby. Still have some things to work out with respect to his disability payments and I'm guessing now a couple years worth of income tax returns. It was assumed that the group home he was living in was taking care of these things for him. They did nothing regarding claiming his income with disability so now he owes disability a lot of money covering two years of overpayments. Since they didn't touch this, I think it's a pretty good bet they didn't do his taxes either.
Because he moved he now has a new caseworker and psychiatrist. His first appointment with the new caseworker was a bit bumpy. Not really her fault however my son got a bit stressed out when she kept asking him about relapse symptoms. It's been years now since his last relapse and as you can imagine, not a place he wants to go to or remember. We made that clear on his next appointment with the psychiatrist and caseworker that that line of questioning will only upset him.
Yesterday my son and I butted heads. It's easy to forget sometimes (most of the time) that he is diagnosed with mental illness and little life stresses can hit him hard. A couple of weeks ago he purchased an electric bike which he has been wanting for a long time. He hasn't been getting the correct amount of charge time. It's all new to me so a bit hard for me to navigate what charge readings mean. Of course he being disappointed got a little bit aggressive in his verbal and body language. I reacted... My bad.
My hubby doesn't handle aggression very well either due to his own diagnoses of anxiety etc. He went to the store and didn't take my son. He almost always takes my son on outings with him. It wasn't intentional however he needed to get away from the aggression my son was displaying.
Next think I know my son is well verbally bashing my hubby. Like I said... I reacted. I don't let anyone disrespect my hubby, including my own children.
Thankfully it didn't get out of hand and once I realized where my son and I were at I turned it around. I apologized to him for yelling in reaction and he apologized for being aggressive.
Still it was a reminder to me that my son isn't mentally 25 years old. Even if he is doing awesome, which he is, he is still not capable of handling disappointments and anxiety the same as someone without mental illness.
I would have to say that I was very proud of his ability to calm down and the two of us talk it out. He recognized that he got aggressive and that he has trouble with anxiety and coping with it.
I was also very proud of him during our meeting with his psychiatrist and caseworker as he seems to have no problem with his medications and likes them because they help him with his anxiety and help him sleep. My son when younger, used to have a lot of issues with his palms sweating. He hasn't had this for a long time now and he attributes this to his Clozapine. Chances are he's right. I have not discussed my son's medications in terms of psychosis since almost the beginning. It's always about the things he can see and recognize that helps him. Anxiety and sleep being the main things. He also stated that without his medications he probably wouldn't be working and he loves his job.
He surprised me even further when he told me that he doesn't even regret being inpatient anymore. That it probably did him some good. This came up when we were at the same hospital he was inpatient at before, waiting on the birth of his niece.
My granddaughter was born last month... Momma, baby and grandson are all doing great.
My daughter is handling being a single mom beautifully. You may recall that she lost her husband in September. I sometimes feel bad that I don't give her a lot of my attention and time. My own little world can get overwhelming at times. Thankfully she has 4 parental figures in her life. One day at church I was asked where my daughter was and I replied: She's at her mom and dads... One can never have too many moms and dads.
My daughter asked me for some help today so I should get my butt in gear...
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2020. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 11, 2020
Tuesday, December 3, 2019
Tis the season. Merry Christmas!
Firstly I would like to wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
All I can think is wow what a year and I can't wait for it to be over...
At church I had my eyes opened to a word that I never really thought about before other then seeing it in the stores on advent calendars. You know the ones with little chocolates in it to countdown the days until Christmas. Well advent is the 4 weeks leading up to the celebration of the birth of Jesus.
I'm sure a lot has questioned the timing of this as I think most of us realize that Jesus wasn't born at Christmas. He was born sometime between March and October. While our calendars date the start of a new year in January... That was not always the case. Spring is the beginning. A time of renewal.
I seriously love Christmas! The last couple of years have been harder to celebrate and this year... I'm going to do my best to celebrate from the point of advent. A time to slow down and enjoy. A time of being grateful for what I do have. Yes a lot easier said than done.
We are pretty much settled into our new 'little' home. A lot to learn and a lot to not take for granted. Water, plumping, sewer, heating, condensation and cooking in a propane oven. All of it needs to be paid attention to and not taken for granted. I've pretty much got the timing of emptying our holding tanks figured out. Getting condensation in my closet and cupboards under control. Showering... Another adjustment on time and water management. Now it's trying to figure out how to cut down on drafts and better heat the place.
When it's just me and hubby here it's not so bad when it comes to lack of room. Add my son and sometimes my daughter and grandson. It gets a little tight. I feel bad when I tell my daughter no to babysitting however spending the day keeping the little one out of or away from my son and his 'mess' is not something one can look forward too. ;)
My son asked last night if he can half move in. He is going off of disability and the group home wants him to pay out of pocket more than what disability covered. I would have to agree with him that staying there wouldn't make sense. I have on occasion tried to look for housing for him. He's supposed to be getting help with this however I guess no one is having any luck with it.
Almost a month ago hubby had a mild stroke. He's gone off medications that he was taking to help stabilize his moods. Between that and his loss of feeling and functioning in his right side, it's hard for him to move around in such little space. Add my son who is in and out a lot of the night which keeps the trailer rocking and disturbing his sleep.
The doctor put hubby on blood pressure and cholesterol medications. His blood pressure is now the best it's been in years so that's a good thing. He's finally not bulking at me trying to put us on a better diet of less salt, sugar and just overall more healthy. Struggling to get used to his CPAP machine for sleep apnea. He needs to get used to it though as sleep apnea causes lack of oxygen to the brain therefore causing more stress on the body and therefor raising blood pressure.
Where am I at with all this? Most days struggling. A couple of times I've been all gung-ho about going back to work. Honestly a part of me is so looking forward to getting back out there around people and helping to financially support us. Okay... Just planning getting out of here. I feel stifled.
Each time I start something happens that makes me rethink what I'm doing. Aside for all the rest I'm in the beginning stages of menopause. Possible about to go fully menopausal. My normal cycle is every 21 days. Yup twice a month. I went 4-5 months where I only had 3. Great right! I started looking for work and ended up with 2 last month. Not so great as they hit me hard and heavy. Spent days fighting off a migraine.
Even if I didn't have to worry about that... Guess who does and takes care of pretty much everything? Am I supposed to work and come home and take care of everything at home too? I'm not even sure at this point how capable he is to cook for himself.
Edit: Section removed due to privacy reasons.
I guess the next decision we have to make is whether to let my son stay here from Monday to Friday every week. Last week we had discussed cutting it down a day.
Oh well... If any of my readers want to pray for us I would greatly appreciate it!
I probably won't blog again until the new year. Hopefully it will be with good news that at least his pension is sorted out!
Ohhh I felt my grandaughter move!
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
All I can think is wow what a year and I can't wait for it to be over...
At church I had my eyes opened to a word that I never really thought about before other then seeing it in the stores on advent calendars. You know the ones with little chocolates in it to countdown the days until Christmas. Well advent is the 4 weeks leading up to the celebration of the birth of Jesus.
I'm sure a lot has questioned the timing of this as I think most of us realize that Jesus wasn't born at Christmas. He was born sometime between March and October. While our calendars date the start of a new year in January... That was not always the case. Spring is the beginning. A time of renewal.
I seriously love Christmas! The last couple of years have been harder to celebrate and this year... I'm going to do my best to celebrate from the point of advent. A time to slow down and enjoy. A time of being grateful for what I do have. Yes a lot easier said than done.
We are pretty much settled into our new 'little' home. A lot to learn and a lot to not take for granted. Water, plumping, sewer, heating, condensation and cooking in a propane oven. All of it needs to be paid attention to and not taken for granted. I've pretty much got the timing of emptying our holding tanks figured out. Getting condensation in my closet and cupboards under control. Showering... Another adjustment on time and water management. Now it's trying to figure out how to cut down on drafts and better heat the place.
When it's just me and hubby here it's not so bad when it comes to lack of room. Add my son and sometimes my daughter and grandson. It gets a little tight. I feel bad when I tell my daughter no to babysitting however spending the day keeping the little one out of or away from my son and his 'mess' is not something one can look forward too. ;)
My son asked last night if he can half move in. He is going off of disability and the group home wants him to pay out of pocket more than what disability covered. I would have to agree with him that staying there wouldn't make sense. I have on occasion tried to look for housing for him. He's supposed to be getting help with this however I guess no one is having any luck with it.
Almost a month ago hubby had a mild stroke. He's gone off medications that he was taking to help stabilize his moods. Between that and his loss of feeling and functioning in his right side, it's hard for him to move around in such little space. Add my son who is in and out a lot of the night which keeps the trailer rocking and disturbing his sleep.
The doctor put hubby on blood pressure and cholesterol medications. His blood pressure is now the best it's been in years so that's a good thing. He's finally not bulking at me trying to put us on a better diet of less salt, sugar and just overall more healthy. Struggling to get used to his CPAP machine for sleep apnea. He needs to get used to it though as sleep apnea causes lack of oxygen to the brain therefore causing more stress on the body and therefor raising blood pressure.
Where am I at with all this? Most days struggling. A couple of times I've been all gung-ho about going back to work. Honestly a part of me is so looking forward to getting back out there around people and helping to financially support us. Okay... Just planning getting out of here. I feel stifled.
Each time I start something happens that makes me rethink what I'm doing. Aside for all the rest I'm in the beginning stages of menopause. Possible about to go fully menopausal. My normal cycle is every 21 days. Yup twice a month. I went 4-5 months where I only had 3. Great right! I started looking for work and ended up with 2 last month. Not so great as they hit me hard and heavy. Spent days fighting off a migraine.
Even if I didn't have to worry about that... Guess who does and takes care of pretty much everything? Am I supposed to work and come home and take care of everything at home too? I'm not even sure at this point how capable he is to cook for himself.
Edit: Section removed due to privacy reasons.
I guess the next decision we have to make is whether to let my son stay here from Monday to Friday every week. Last week we had discussed cutting it down a day.
Oh well... If any of my readers want to pray for us I would greatly appreciate it!
I probably won't blog again until the new year. Hopefully it will be with good news that at least his pension is sorted out!
Ohhh I felt my grandaughter move!
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Monday, April 13, 2015
How do you stay so calm? Behind the Wall
This is what my husband asked me last night. "When I hear him talking like that my blood boils. All I can see is it all happening all over again." Yes me too...
I'm doing my best to learn to let go of things that I can't change or have no control over. My hubby: "Yes but I have seen you, when you put your mind to it, and you do have control and you are able to stop it." Yes but only for a little while... It's raining outside. I can stand under an umbrella but eventually I'm going to get wet. I'm just putting off the inevitable.
I recently purchased a book: Behind the Wall. Click on the book title and it will take you to it. I have barely started the first chapter and already I have felt a connection with the writers and the families they are writing about. In the preface something stood out for me:
"No parent, for example, ever wants to admit there are times when one secretly wishes her child to precede her in death. No one ever thinks that. But this is not an uncommon or unjustified thought for a parent to have while her child is suffering from a particularly devastating episode related to mental illness."
Widdifield, Mary; Widdifield MA, Elin (2015-03-02). Behind the Wall: The True Story of Mental Illness as Told by Parents (Kindle Locations 175-177). Langdon Street Press. Kindle Edition.
No I'm not secretly wishing my son was dead nor is he going through a bad episode right now. Still the ideal expressed in this quote is somewhere that I have been in the past and most likely where I will be in the future, again...
On Saturday while we were setting up the backyard and my thoughts were wondering as they usually do. I asked my son if financially his Nana and I were the same and I couldn't provide him with the things that I do, would he want to stay with me? Of course his first question was: Why are you broke? ;) Over $30000 in debt but that's not the point... I wasn't really expecting a black or white answer and told him that I was just curious as I don't want our relationship based on my ability to be a bank account to him. I purposely didn't say the word love as I don't think my son feels or reacts to things based on love. Not saying he doesn't feel it however it's secondary to his own needs or wants. Anyways he basically said that he is comfortable with me, Dad and Nana...
I use tinctures or herbs to treat my menopause and keep my hormones regulated. My son knows this. He has tried a tincture in the past for anxiety however abused it so I ended up getting rid of it. Just because they are herbs or natural it doesn't mean that they can be abused without harmful side affects.
Because he is struggling with anxiety most likely due to no alcohol now since Wednesday and he knows that he can't get any benzos prescribed, he is looking for another means to self-medicate. I have told him that I'm willing to work with him on things like this to help him with withdrawal and anxiety however he is not going to find the relief he is seeking through a supplement. He says that is not looking for benzo relief however I know better. So we tried a tincture... Yesterday he tells me that it isn't working and asked if we can try another one. Tinctures are not cheap. They range from $20-$50 CAD a bottle.
What do you think preceding me saying no to another tincture? Maybe it would be best if I lived with Nana. That was the agreement anyways that after 6 months I could do that...
It wasn't my agreement and still isn't. This is from when my son was in the shelter the last time and as best that I can tell the agreement was that after 6 months of my son being in a group home and participating in addiction recovery that his Nana would start saving money for him to go out there.
All fine and dandy... What does this mean for my son though? It means he doesn't have to put forth any effort into managing his own life or trying to get better because Nana is waiting in the wings and life with Nana is certainly a lot easier then life with me. I have rules. I have boundaries. He can't manipulate me the way he manipulates her.
My love for him is different. It can see past his feel sorry for me manipulations and half truths that schizophrenia and mostly addiction allows him to speak without so much as batting an eye... Getting what he thinks he deserves is his priority and what others go through to make this happen doesn't matter to him. He knows that Nana would give up anything to give him what he wants. He knows that she can't say no to him. Whether it's good for him or not doesn't fit into the equation. In his eyes that is what love is... Be his minion and put him on a pedestal and you have proven that you love him...
How can that compete with my version of love that says yes I love you but I love and respect myself too. Yes you are special. So are others special too. Yes you have wants and needs. So do others. Yes you have experienced pain. So have others. Yes you deserve a good life... You get my point. I can't compete and I'm not going to try. He can accept my love for what it is or not. A love that sees past right now to a future that could be so much more then burying himself in the fake euphoria that addiction gives him. I use the word euphoria because two nights ago this is what he told me he wanted and what he was looking for.
So the conversation started to get a little heated. He got mad or upset that he is not getting the money that he thinks he should get. Some time ago we signed a room and board contract stating that he would pay me $700 a month because I pay for everything including cloths etc. Disability knows about this contract. I came to this dollar amount by spending considerable time going over the disability website and how they break down their funding. Because he is room and board instead of rent and paying for his own groceries, utilities etc then his payments are $841 instead of 9 something. While living with his Nana they said that he was paying his portion of the rent plus utilities etc so he got a bit more then here. Because it was rent then he got his money at the end of the month for the following month. Here he is room and board which gets paid at the end of the month for that month. You would have to ask disability why they do it this way however he does now have clarification from disability that it works that way so at least we don't have to have that argument anymore.
It clearly states on the disability website that his personal spending amount or money not for basic needs is $119. Do the math. $841 - $119 = $722.
While he was in the shelter the last time I did tell him that I would consider looking at $600 a month instead of $700 IF he was to start buying things for himself like he was supposed to with that money. Not drugs, alcohol, games... Since March 21st we have spent over $200 on him in extras. Not counting McDonald's, Tim Horton's, Chinese food... or the cloths we have gotten him since he loses items while in the shelter system. We have paid for cigarettes for him. I didn't take any money from his disability payment for February and he got the full payment, so that he could buy items for his room.
Givers have to set limits because takers never do...
So no I'm not changing the $700 to $600. Can you guess what followed? The phone call to Nana.
If what you are doing is making an addict happy then chances are you are enabling instead of helping.
Then I'm being asked to talk to Nana and make arrangements. No I'm not talking to Nana and I will not so much as lift a baby finger to help with something that I am dead set against. Considering what has happened in the past, why would I help make that happen again?
My son's case worker from PACT just left...
The kicker is this... Thursday and Friday my son was asking me to help him get his GED (high-school equivalent) because he needs it to work with my husband in construction and he had decided he wanted to do that. Today we were supposed to be looking into either getting him back with the YMCA or into another school that does adult learning.
Nana's intentions may be good and I know are coming from a place of love... When my son pulls on her heartstrings with how much he needs to drink or get high because he is so unhappy, stressed, anxious and there is nothing for him in this world... Will she have the willpower to say no? Will she be able to put aside how much she loves him and how much her heart is breaking for him to make the right decisions? Will she be able keep her home drug and alcohol free even if that means him 'going to the streets' to get it?
My son just admitted to his worker that 30% (I say 60%) of the reason he wants to go live with Nana is because it's easier there and because she won't be able to say no to him...
Today for the first time in a very long time I had trouble getting him to take his medication. He doesn't want to take his Olanzapine any more. Why would he? He is already plotting to get the life that he wants which is addiction and psychosis. Both of those worlds are so much happier for him. It's the collateral damage and who he will take with him when the time comes that I am all to aware of. What if it's my daughter the next time or prey tell some innocent bystander...
Am I calm? Inside I am seething that no matter how hard I try to change the path that two dysfunctional families have set my children on... I feel like I'm losing the battle yet again. Is dysfunctional love better then no love? I don't think so. Without dysfunction one can find healthy love and a better life.
As long as this relationship is part of the picture and my son has the freedom to run away time and time again and hide in his schizophrenia and addiction... For my own life and sanity I have to learn to accept and let go. Maybe send another prayer to Donna, my mom in heaven, to once again watch over her first born grandson and if possible interfere so that I can give him the future he deserves.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
I'm doing my best to learn to let go of things that I can't change or have no control over. My hubby: "Yes but I have seen you, when you put your mind to it, and you do have control and you are able to stop it." Yes but only for a little while... It's raining outside. I can stand under an umbrella but eventually I'm going to get wet. I'm just putting off the inevitable.
I recently purchased a book: Behind the Wall. Click on the book title and it will take you to it. I have barely started the first chapter and already I have felt a connection with the writers and the families they are writing about. In the preface something stood out for me:
"No parent, for example, ever wants to admit there are times when one secretly wishes her child to precede her in death. No one ever thinks that. But this is not an uncommon or unjustified thought for a parent to have while her child is suffering from a particularly devastating episode related to mental illness."
Widdifield, Mary; Widdifield MA, Elin (2015-03-02). Behind the Wall: The True Story of Mental Illness as Told by Parents (Kindle Locations 175-177). Langdon Street Press. Kindle Edition.
No I'm not secretly wishing my son was dead nor is he going through a bad episode right now. Still the ideal expressed in this quote is somewhere that I have been in the past and most likely where I will be in the future, again...
On Saturday while we were setting up the backyard and my thoughts were wondering as they usually do. I asked my son if financially his Nana and I were the same and I couldn't provide him with the things that I do, would he want to stay with me? Of course his first question was: Why are you broke? ;) Over $30000 in debt but that's not the point... I wasn't really expecting a black or white answer and told him that I was just curious as I don't want our relationship based on my ability to be a bank account to him. I purposely didn't say the word love as I don't think my son feels or reacts to things based on love. Not saying he doesn't feel it however it's secondary to his own needs or wants. Anyways he basically said that he is comfortable with me, Dad and Nana...
I use tinctures or herbs to treat my menopause and keep my hormones regulated. My son knows this. He has tried a tincture in the past for anxiety however abused it so I ended up getting rid of it. Just because they are herbs or natural it doesn't mean that they can be abused without harmful side affects.
Because he is struggling with anxiety most likely due to no alcohol now since Wednesday and he knows that he can't get any benzos prescribed, he is looking for another means to self-medicate. I have told him that I'm willing to work with him on things like this to help him with withdrawal and anxiety however he is not going to find the relief he is seeking through a supplement. He says that is not looking for benzo relief however I know better. So we tried a tincture... Yesterday he tells me that it isn't working and asked if we can try another one. Tinctures are not cheap. They range from $20-$50 CAD a bottle.
What do you think preceding me saying no to another tincture? Maybe it would be best if I lived with Nana. That was the agreement anyways that after 6 months I could do that...
It wasn't my agreement and still isn't. This is from when my son was in the shelter the last time and as best that I can tell the agreement was that after 6 months of my son being in a group home and participating in addiction recovery that his Nana would start saving money for him to go out there.
All fine and dandy... What does this mean for my son though? It means he doesn't have to put forth any effort into managing his own life or trying to get better because Nana is waiting in the wings and life with Nana is certainly a lot easier then life with me. I have rules. I have boundaries. He can't manipulate me the way he manipulates her.
My love for him is different. It can see past his feel sorry for me manipulations and half truths that schizophrenia and mostly addiction allows him to speak without so much as batting an eye... Getting what he thinks he deserves is his priority and what others go through to make this happen doesn't matter to him. He knows that Nana would give up anything to give him what he wants. He knows that she can't say no to him. Whether it's good for him or not doesn't fit into the equation. In his eyes that is what love is... Be his minion and put him on a pedestal and you have proven that you love him...
How can that compete with my version of love that says yes I love you but I love and respect myself too. Yes you are special. So are others special too. Yes you have wants and needs. So do others. Yes you have experienced pain. So have others. Yes you deserve a good life... You get my point. I can't compete and I'm not going to try. He can accept my love for what it is or not. A love that sees past right now to a future that could be so much more then burying himself in the fake euphoria that addiction gives him. I use the word euphoria because two nights ago this is what he told me he wanted and what he was looking for.
So the conversation started to get a little heated. He got mad or upset that he is not getting the money that he thinks he should get. Some time ago we signed a room and board contract stating that he would pay me $700 a month because I pay for everything including cloths etc. Disability knows about this contract. I came to this dollar amount by spending considerable time going over the disability website and how they break down their funding. Because he is room and board instead of rent and paying for his own groceries, utilities etc then his payments are $841 instead of 9 something. While living with his Nana they said that he was paying his portion of the rent plus utilities etc so he got a bit more then here. Because it was rent then he got his money at the end of the month for the following month. Here he is room and board which gets paid at the end of the month for that month. You would have to ask disability why they do it this way however he does now have clarification from disability that it works that way so at least we don't have to have that argument anymore.
It clearly states on the disability website that his personal spending amount or money not for basic needs is $119. Do the math. $841 - $119 = $722.
While he was in the shelter the last time I did tell him that I would consider looking at $600 a month instead of $700 IF he was to start buying things for himself like he was supposed to with that money. Not drugs, alcohol, games... Since March 21st we have spent over $200 on him in extras. Not counting McDonald's, Tim Horton's, Chinese food... or the cloths we have gotten him since he loses items while in the shelter system. We have paid for cigarettes for him. I didn't take any money from his disability payment for February and he got the full payment, so that he could buy items for his room.
Givers have to set limits because takers never do...
So no I'm not changing the $700 to $600. Can you guess what followed? The phone call to Nana.
If what you are doing is making an addict happy then chances are you are enabling instead of helping.
Then I'm being asked to talk to Nana and make arrangements. No I'm not talking to Nana and I will not so much as lift a baby finger to help with something that I am dead set against. Considering what has happened in the past, why would I help make that happen again?
My son's case worker from PACT just left...
The kicker is this... Thursday and Friday my son was asking me to help him get his GED (high-school equivalent) because he needs it to work with my husband in construction and he had decided he wanted to do that. Today we were supposed to be looking into either getting him back with the YMCA or into another school that does adult learning.
Nana's intentions may be good and I know are coming from a place of love... When my son pulls on her heartstrings with how much he needs to drink or get high because he is so unhappy, stressed, anxious and there is nothing for him in this world... Will she have the willpower to say no? Will she be able to put aside how much she loves him and how much her heart is breaking for him to make the right decisions? Will she be able keep her home drug and alcohol free even if that means him 'going to the streets' to get it?
My son just admitted to his worker that 30% (I say 60%) of the reason he wants to go live with Nana is because it's easier there and because she won't be able to say no to him...
Today for the first time in a very long time I had trouble getting him to take his medication. He doesn't want to take his Olanzapine any more. Why would he? He is already plotting to get the life that he wants which is addiction and psychosis. Both of those worlds are so much happier for him. It's the collateral damage and who he will take with him when the time comes that I am all to aware of. What if it's my daughter the next time or prey tell some innocent bystander...
Am I calm? Inside I am seething that no matter how hard I try to change the path that two dysfunctional families have set my children on... I feel like I'm losing the battle yet again. Is dysfunctional love better then no love? I don't think so. Without dysfunction one can find healthy love and a better life.
As long as this relationship is part of the picture and my son has the freedom to run away time and time again and hide in his schizophrenia and addiction... For my own life and sanity I have to learn to accept and let go. Maybe send another prayer to Donna, my mom in heaven, to once again watch over her first born grandson and if possible interfere so that I can give him the future he deserves.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Saturday, April 11, 2015
You win some, you lose some.
Monday night and Tuesday was a little rough. Ok a lot rough ;) I did indeed come down with my son's stomach flu. Not nice! Finally starting to feel better.
That good news I mentioned in my last post... Not so good after all. I called up an old boss and he told me to Google employment scams... Sure enough this 'job' meets the requirements. So yah, I came pretty close to being scammed. Sucks too because I was so happy to have the opportunity to 'pull my own weight' and bring in some money. Oh well. Next time!
Knocking on wood didn't keep my son from alcohol for very long. Tuesday was a bottle of hard liquor and Wednesday was a bottle of wine. Yesterday morning he was asking me about the types of demons. Last night he was all negative about life. *sigh* How to help him see what is so obvious... Drinking makes him depressed, anxious and causes his mind to race. As well as triggers his schizophrenia symptoms and delusional thinking.
He has been a little moody? Not as agitated as I have seen him in the past but it's still there. I have been trying to keep an eye on any signs of his ODD acting up. So far there hasn't been much defiance. I don't know if that's him or me trying hard to know when to walk away or just stop talking. He has spent his disability money for the month so there have already been a couple of occasions where he wants to 'discuss' me giving him more money. I let him know that it's his actions that brought us to this point of disability handling his money as they are and that I am not going to protect him from the consequences. I remind him that we have already spent more then the amount he wants, on him. I have been keeping the receipts just in case he ever wants to argue this ;) If the conversation starts to take a turn for the worse and he starts to get angry then I'm doing my best to just not respond. Seems to working. For now anyways. Although it could be the knowledge that he can't run away from home with his whole check anymore that is stopping him from acting out as he has in the past about not getting his own way.
Thursday he had his appointment with ADAPT, addiction services. I was allowed to participate in the meeting. I gave the lady a short history of his alcohol consumption.
Mar 6: 2 bottles
Mar 10: 3 bottles
Mar 16: 2 bottles
Mar 27: 1 bottle
Mar 31: 1 bottle
Apr 7: 1 bottle
Apr 8: Wine
He also gets these little bottles of something else... So in the last month he has drunk over 4000 ml of hard liquor. Reluctantly he is agreeing to give ADAPT a chance so *fingers crossed* some good will come out of this. I'm really hoping that he will listen to someone else about what addiction is and can do to a person and hopefully they can help him...
I booked doctor appointments for me and my son on Thursday. I needed to get my antidepressants refilled and appease hubby that I'm doing ok. I did have to acknowledge yesterday when I had a bath that yeah I have lost weight. The stomach flu didn't help but I do need to put some weight back on. Anyways the doctor said I'm good. I had asked the PACT team to do blood work on my son to make sure his was healthy. I guess I didn't clarify that I wanted this for his family doctor as well to make sure he was healthy not just for organ functions regarding antipsychotic use, so the blood work they had done wasn't what I thought. So my son now has a new blood work requisition that he is agreeing to do 'For mom' he told the doctor ;) so we can check his vitamin etc levels. Once that is done then he will also get a physical done as I brought up my son's wheezing that he is still doing!
My son wants us to set up the backyard. I still don't think its that nice out today but I think I have put him off long enough and tomorrow is supposed to be really nice. So I'm off to the backyard with my son...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
That good news I mentioned in my last post... Not so good after all. I called up an old boss and he told me to Google employment scams... Sure enough this 'job' meets the requirements. So yah, I came pretty close to being scammed. Sucks too because I was so happy to have the opportunity to 'pull my own weight' and bring in some money. Oh well. Next time!
Knocking on wood didn't keep my son from alcohol for very long. Tuesday was a bottle of hard liquor and Wednesday was a bottle of wine. Yesterday morning he was asking me about the types of demons. Last night he was all negative about life. *sigh* How to help him see what is so obvious... Drinking makes him depressed, anxious and causes his mind to race. As well as triggers his schizophrenia symptoms and delusional thinking.
He has been a little moody? Not as agitated as I have seen him in the past but it's still there. I have been trying to keep an eye on any signs of his ODD acting up. So far there hasn't been much defiance. I don't know if that's him or me trying hard to know when to walk away or just stop talking. He has spent his disability money for the month so there have already been a couple of occasions where he wants to 'discuss' me giving him more money. I let him know that it's his actions that brought us to this point of disability handling his money as they are and that I am not going to protect him from the consequences. I remind him that we have already spent more then the amount he wants, on him. I have been keeping the receipts just in case he ever wants to argue this ;) If the conversation starts to take a turn for the worse and he starts to get angry then I'm doing my best to just not respond. Seems to working. For now anyways. Although it could be the knowledge that he can't run away from home with his whole check anymore that is stopping him from acting out as he has in the past about not getting his own way.
Thursday he had his appointment with ADAPT, addiction services. I was allowed to participate in the meeting. I gave the lady a short history of his alcohol consumption.
Mar 6: 2 bottles
Mar 10: 3 bottles
Mar 16: 2 bottles
Mar 27: 1 bottle
Mar 31: 1 bottle
Apr 7: 1 bottle
Apr 8: Wine
He also gets these little bottles of something else... So in the last month he has drunk over 4000 ml of hard liquor. Reluctantly he is agreeing to give ADAPT a chance so *fingers crossed* some good will come out of this. I'm really hoping that he will listen to someone else about what addiction is and can do to a person and hopefully they can help him...
I booked doctor appointments for me and my son on Thursday. I needed to get my antidepressants refilled and appease hubby that I'm doing ok. I did have to acknowledge yesterday when I had a bath that yeah I have lost weight. The stomach flu didn't help but I do need to put some weight back on. Anyways the doctor said I'm good. I had asked the PACT team to do blood work on my son to make sure his was healthy. I guess I didn't clarify that I wanted this for his family doctor as well to make sure he was healthy not just for organ functions regarding antipsychotic use, so the blood work they had done wasn't what I thought. So my son now has a new blood work requisition that he is agreeing to do 'For mom' he told the doctor ;) so we can check his vitamin etc levels. Once that is done then he will also get a physical done as I brought up my son's wheezing that he is still doing!
My son wants us to set up the backyard. I still don't think its that nice out today but I think I have put him off long enough and tomorrow is supposed to be really nice. So I'm off to the backyard with my son...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Another waiting game
I think it's just a matter of time before my son is inpatient again.
He has been off the Lithium for five days and off Trazodone for four days and it's been four days since his Invega shot was due. He has been taken his Olanzapine at night.
I don't know why or what instigated him just asking me this however he just asked me if I still had his knives. He hasn't asked or spoken about them since September so I'm pretty leery about why he is asking for them now. It honestly sucks when you don't know if you should be afraid of your own son or not. I tense when he walks behind me. *breathe* He is cutting his Trazodone pills into four pieces, he said it is so that he doesn't take too much. I said no to having his knives. His response was that I need to compensate him for them. Consider them compensation for the plane tickets and everything else that I have been paying for for the past month or so. The standard, default answer to kick him out... I told him that I wasn't going to have that conversation so he replied that maybe he should take away my computer.
So here I am, not saying anything because to respond or try to be rational with him at this point is pretty useless. I think my nerves are shot. For the past three days? he has been doing very little. I don't know why, if he is doing it on purpose or not, however I can hear him breathing from across the room. Or wheezing may be a better word, breathing through his nose. Yes it's my nerves, because seriously, listening to it is very much getting on them. I think I made the mistake of asking him one day if he was doing it on purpose. If it bothers me my son is will do it...
Another mistake I may have made was try to discuss with him why he wanted to go off the Lithium. Since he lives with me I know how much time he spends masturbating which he very much likes to do and I have noticed that since on the Invega Sustenna that it had basically stopped (a possible side-affect). So I asked him if the reason he wanted off the Lithium was because he thought that it might be causing this even though he has been on it for two years with no issue. I told him that it's the not Lithium causing this, that is was probably the Invega. Yah, not that smart of me. Granted it may not have made a difference one way or the other as once my son gets it in his head to do something there doesn't appear to be anything I can do to stop him.
Yesterday I walked by his room and he was masturbating with his door open. I think he was at it for a good twenty minutes. Other then to watch porn he has not been on the laptop for probably a week now.
If you were to ask my son how he is doing? He would say good, that he has been relaxing, watching TV and going to bed reasonably. The truth is a bit different. If he is sitting/lying in the living room with the TV on than he will say that he is watching TV. He isn't. Ask him what he is watching or what it is about? I only have basic cable now and the weather channel can't be that entertaining for hours at a time ;) Relaxing... Heavy breathing while he is lost in his own head-space as I call it. Going to bed... Sometime between 1-3 when I get up and interrupt him 'relaxing' or ask him to go to bed. It took me about three days to get him in the shower as it had been over two weeks. Finally succeeded as with hubby's help we made it shower day for everyone!
He is eating dinner and snacking so that is good. He hasn't lost his appetite although I can see it starting to slip some. I can tell based on the number of messes that I'm having to pick up. Putting the water jug back in the fridge or anything else after using it is not currently a part of his reality. I did tell him yesterday that if he has the energy to masturbate for twenty minutes then he should have enough energy to pick up a piece of garbage. Considering the amount of 'exercise' he can get doing this, he should be doing all the heavy lifting around here ;)
I just had a conversation with him about the conversation that I had with his Nana last. I had no idea that he has apparently been calling her for weeks about going out there, that there is a lot of yelling going on here and that he doesn't like my hubby... According to my son he hasn't been saying any of this. He did acknowledge that being able to masturbate may be why he wanted off the medications that he does like to do it. He doesn't want to be sick however he does want to do this and he does like psychosis.
I had talked to him on Tuesday about the fact that I had been accepted for the townhouse. Yah! And that I didn't think that I wanted him to move with me under the current circumstance. I went over the contract that he signed with me stating that he has not been doing anything that he agreed on. It was my fault for not reminding him or making him do these things and that he has his own problems to deal with. When I asked what those problems were I got told that they were none of my business. The conversation pretty much ended there.
Like I just told my son, if he wants to be psychotic that is his choice. He still has to accept responsibility for his own life, his schizophrenia and the choices that he is making. I'm not going to pretend like it's not there or that he is not being delusional in his thinking or that the road he is choosing to go down is one that I will support. I will not support him manipulating me or his Nana and causing conflicts between us that are not helping anyone including him. He wants to run away and bury himself in marijuana and/or alcohol. Last night he wanted to go to his friends. I checked his messages this morning and they had been discussing having a couple of beers. One message was: About the drinking thing did you mean tonight? Marijuana has usually been a part of these scenarios.
Again he asked about me not taking my portion of his disability check when he gets it. How is he supposed to get his own place without money? First he has to put forth an effort to get a place. Why would I agree to hand him over money for a place to live when he isn't even trying to find one? We all know where that money well go. Besides if he goes into a group home than disability will pay the group home directly so he won't have to worry about it. He needs to work with PACT and disability to make this happen.
His case worker should be here shortly. She apparently has oral Invega for him. Maybe if he had this 2-3 weeks ago we wouldn't be here? That could be wishful thinking on my part :). Not sure who is paying for them however I told her that I can't. She has been in contact with disability and is giving them a hard time about the drug card. My son said that he will discuss medications with her when she arrives. Guess where he is again? ;)
It looks like we have bought a car! Did I tell you that the motor is going, again, in our car? I had to transfer $1300 from my line of credit today to pay for the car and it's safety etc. Our rent will be going up over $400 a month plus heat which is electric. My son said to me yesterday: Since you are moving and will have more money can you buy me a plane ticket? Hrm... Laugh, cry... anxiety meds!? :) I took a sleeping pill the night before last and it did nothing. Last night I took another which I don't usually do as they can be very addicting but I slept for over four hours! Score one for me :)
His case worker just left. He has agreed to 'try' the oral Invega but will stop them if he doesn't think they are working. He is ok with the side affects of not taking or going off medications cold turkey. She gave him a one week supply of samples so hopefully by next week the disability/drug card thing will be straightened out. He tried to tell her that his Nana is buying him a plane ticket so that he doesn't have to be in a shelter again. Grrr... I'm not sending him to a shelter right now. It's not an all or nothing situation or at least it shouldn't be. I said no that Nana is not buying him a ticket right now. He then agreed to sign forms for a group home. It's ridiculous that he thinks well enough to play on Nana's emotions like this yet can't think to put away a water jug. I asked her to check into the one that has less restrictions and he doesn't have to be out Mon-Fri 9-?. Still onsite support every day just not 24/7.
I guess I should go and perhaps message his friend since my son just brought up going over there to drink. He deserves it... I told him that alcohol and marijuana well probably have him in the hospital by Saturday. It's a sin for me to put him in the hospital you know? I'm not putting him in the hospital, he is putting himself there so he needs to discuss this sin with himself!
Mom
BarbieBF
He has been off the Lithium for five days and off Trazodone for four days and it's been four days since his Invega shot was due. He has been taken his Olanzapine at night.
I don't know why or what instigated him just asking me this however he just asked me if I still had his knives. He hasn't asked or spoken about them since September so I'm pretty leery about why he is asking for them now. It honestly sucks when you don't know if you should be afraid of your own son or not. I tense when he walks behind me. *breathe* He is cutting his Trazodone pills into four pieces, he said it is so that he doesn't take too much. I said no to having his knives. His response was that I need to compensate him for them. Consider them compensation for the plane tickets and everything else that I have been paying for for the past month or so. The standard, default answer to kick him out... I told him that I wasn't going to have that conversation so he replied that maybe he should take away my computer.
So here I am, not saying anything because to respond or try to be rational with him at this point is pretty useless. I think my nerves are shot. For the past three days? he has been doing very little. I don't know why, if he is doing it on purpose or not, however I can hear him breathing from across the room. Or wheezing may be a better word, breathing through his nose. Yes it's my nerves, because seriously, listening to it is very much getting on them. I think I made the mistake of asking him one day if he was doing it on purpose. If it bothers me my son is will do it...
Another mistake I may have made was try to discuss with him why he wanted to go off the Lithium. Since he lives with me I know how much time he spends masturbating which he very much likes to do and I have noticed that since on the Invega Sustenna that it had basically stopped (a possible side-affect). So I asked him if the reason he wanted off the Lithium was because he thought that it might be causing this even though he has been on it for two years with no issue. I told him that it's the not Lithium causing this, that is was probably the Invega. Yah, not that smart of me. Granted it may not have made a difference one way or the other as once my son gets it in his head to do something there doesn't appear to be anything I can do to stop him.
Yesterday I walked by his room and he was masturbating with his door open. I think he was at it for a good twenty minutes. Other then to watch porn he has not been on the laptop for probably a week now.
If you were to ask my son how he is doing? He would say good, that he has been relaxing, watching TV and going to bed reasonably. The truth is a bit different. If he is sitting/lying in the living room with the TV on than he will say that he is watching TV. He isn't. Ask him what he is watching or what it is about? I only have basic cable now and the weather channel can't be that entertaining for hours at a time ;) Relaxing... Heavy breathing while he is lost in his own head-space as I call it. Going to bed... Sometime between 1-3 when I get up and interrupt him 'relaxing' or ask him to go to bed. It took me about three days to get him in the shower as it had been over two weeks. Finally succeeded as with hubby's help we made it shower day for everyone!
He is eating dinner and snacking so that is good. He hasn't lost his appetite although I can see it starting to slip some. I can tell based on the number of messes that I'm having to pick up. Putting the water jug back in the fridge or anything else after using it is not currently a part of his reality. I did tell him yesterday that if he has the energy to masturbate for twenty minutes then he should have enough energy to pick up a piece of garbage. Considering the amount of 'exercise' he can get doing this, he should be doing all the heavy lifting around here ;)
I just had a conversation with him about the conversation that I had with his Nana last. I had no idea that he has apparently been calling her for weeks about going out there, that there is a lot of yelling going on here and that he doesn't like my hubby... According to my son he hasn't been saying any of this. He did acknowledge that being able to masturbate may be why he wanted off the medications that he does like to do it. He doesn't want to be sick however he does want to do this and he does like psychosis.
I had talked to him on Tuesday about the fact that I had been accepted for the townhouse. Yah! And that I didn't think that I wanted him to move with me under the current circumstance. I went over the contract that he signed with me stating that he has not been doing anything that he agreed on. It was my fault for not reminding him or making him do these things and that he has his own problems to deal with. When I asked what those problems were I got told that they were none of my business. The conversation pretty much ended there.
Like I just told my son, if he wants to be psychotic that is his choice. He still has to accept responsibility for his own life, his schizophrenia and the choices that he is making. I'm not going to pretend like it's not there or that he is not being delusional in his thinking or that the road he is choosing to go down is one that I will support. I will not support him manipulating me or his Nana and causing conflicts between us that are not helping anyone including him. He wants to run away and bury himself in marijuana and/or alcohol. Last night he wanted to go to his friends. I checked his messages this morning and they had been discussing having a couple of beers. One message was: About the drinking thing did you mean tonight? Marijuana has usually been a part of these scenarios.
Again he asked about me not taking my portion of his disability check when he gets it. How is he supposed to get his own place without money? First he has to put forth an effort to get a place. Why would I agree to hand him over money for a place to live when he isn't even trying to find one? We all know where that money well go. Besides if he goes into a group home than disability will pay the group home directly so he won't have to worry about it. He needs to work with PACT and disability to make this happen.
His case worker should be here shortly. She apparently has oral Invega for him. Maybe if he had this 2-3 weeks ago we wouldn't be here? That could be wishful thinking on my part :). Not sure who is paying for them however I told her that I can't. She has been in contact with disability and is giving them a hard time about the drug card. My son said that he will discuss medications with her when she arrives. Guess where he is again? ;)
It looks like we have bought a car! Did I tell you that the motor is going, again, in our car? I had to transfer $1300 from my line of credit today to pay for the car and it's safety etc. Our rent will be going up over $400 a month plus heat which is electric. My son said to me yesterday: Since you are moving and will have more money can you buy me a plane ticket? Hrm... Laugh, cry... anxiety meds!? :) I took a sleeping pill the night before last and it did nothing. Last night I took another which I don't usually do as they can be very addicting but I slept for over four hours! Score one for me :)
His case worker just left. He has agreed to 'try' the oral Invega but will stop them if he doesn't think they are working. He is ok with the side affects of not taking or going off medications cold turkey. She gave him a one week supply of samples so hopefully by next week the disability/drug card thing will be straightened out. He tried to tell her that his Nana is buying him a plane ticket so that he doesn't have to be in a shelter again. Grrr... I'm not sending him to a shelter right now. It's not an all or nothing situation or at least it shouldn't be. I said no that Nana is not buying him a ticket right now. He then agreed to sign forms for a group home. It's ridiculous that he thinks well enough to play on Nana's emotions like this yet can't think to put away a water jug. I asked her to check into the one that has less restrictions and he doesn't have to be out Mon-Fri 9-?. Still onsite support every day just not 24/7.
I guess I should go and perhaps message his friend since my son just brought up going over there to drink. He deserves it... I told him that alcohol and marijuana well probably have him in the hospital by Saturday. It's a sin for me to put him in the hospital you know? I'm not putting him in the hospital, he is putting himself there so he needs to discuss this sin with himself!
Mom
BarbieBF
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Why am I never bored?
My son opened his presents on Christmas Eve. He really liked his tobacco pipe and accessories, was pleasantly surprised by his pocket watch and not surprisingly hasn't touched or looked at his Lego's since opening them even though he seemed to like the idea of getting them.
Christmas day passed fairly quietly. I spent most of it in the kitchen. Started the turkey around 11, then made breakfast. Most of the afternoon I spent doing dishes, checking the turkey and then after our turkey dinner, which my son really enjoyed, was more dishes and making turkey soup. I think I finally finished in the kitchen around 9:30.
Last night we had a short conversation about the fact that he is bored with life. He asked me if I was ever bored? Rarely... I'm capable of filling in my time quite easily. I have things in my life that have meaning for me. The forum and my blog are two things that can take up a lot of my time. I'm also the one doing most things at home and making sure everything is being taken care of. Honestly when would I have a chance to be bored when I have 2 males (and a daughter) in my life keeping me on my toes? I wouldn't mind a little boredom!
Today my son's friend from across the hall knocked on the door and asked my son to come over... A little while later my son comes back and lies down on the sofa. I'm looking at his face and when he looks at me I can see it in his eyes as well, what looks like the after affect of smoking marijuana. I ask him he smoked and he said no that he had 1 beer. I reply that his eyes are telling a different story. I have been hearing that excuse from both him and his friend for well over a year now and since one of them usually, eventually, admits the truth I doubt that I'm wrong this time either. I have watched my son drink vodka and not look like that but I'm supposed to believe that 1 beer has that affect. That conversation didn't go well and I was called a douche-bag a couple of times and being told to kick him out. This time I grabbed my phone and let him know that I want this on video that I'm sick of his attitude and of him putting words in my mouth that I'm not saying. I got a lovely video of my son giving me the finger! I left to take out the garbage, knocked on his friend's door and let him know that if he wants to give my son drugs or alcohol then he can keep him there that I'm tired of it!
Since then my son has asked to talk about it... Honestly I'm not in the mood. A little while later I get asked if we can do 3 meals a day like in the hospital? Translation can you cook for me 3 times a day? No I cannot. He is quit capable of getting himself something to eat as is evidenced by the items currently left out on the counter. I reminded him that when he moves into the townhouse that he apparently wants to go to so bad that his roommates won't be making him even one meal a day.
I'm not having a good day... If I had somewhere to go, I would be there. On Christmas day my husband broke out in hives. It looks like he is having an allergic reaction to a new medication he is on for ADHD. Yes my hubby was recently diagnosed with ADHD. The first medication made him angrier so he started another one. Christmas day was two weeks on it. Hives in the appropriate places as well as trouble swallowing. We have also decreased his Ciprelax by 5 mg as the goal is to get him off that medication as we believe his anxiety symptoms is related to ADHD so not the right medication. It's a slow process of decreasing one medication while adding the ADHD medication. Obviously none of this is going according to plan either. He has been crankier because of the decrease in Ciprelax and now because of the hives, even though it was working, we have had to stop the new medication. Add hives and non-stop itchiness which he seemed to have very little self-control over not itching and I'm pretty fed up with him too. Do I know what it's like to itch like that? Hmm... I'm a female so certain types of itching are not new to me. I once had an allergic reaction to oxy's and itched head to toe for 8 hours. I've had 20-30 mosquito bites at one time. Yes it's hard but you are only making the hives worse!
Last night out of the blue hubby's temper flares yet again. Pardon the swearing. Jesus Christ Barb, what the fuck am I supposed to do? It took me about 3 seconds to very sweetly reply with: Hmmm... Go fuck yourself? We haven't spoken to each other since. If it's not appropriate for my son to swear at me, when did it become appropriate for my hubby to swear at me? Simple. It's not. And as is normal this will continue until I fix it... I ended up having to take over doing the laundry that hubby was going to help me with because he didn't have the patience to do it. I don't think that I ask or expect much from anyone and I still get disappointed. Everyone else seems to have the freedom to be unhappy, cranky, moody, angry... and I'm supposed to what?
Now my son is at me to sell the Wii u since it's 'his' that replaced the PS4. Both purchased on my credit card and are here for his enjoyment while in the home but for legal purposes the Wii u is mine. He doesn't want his Lego's either. I would bet my left arm that this has more to do with the marijuana he didn't smoke next door today. We have an Xbox, he didn't want the PS4 and now doesn't want the Wii u. To my knowledge there is no other console gaming system so what is he going to exchange it for since that is what he said he wanted to do. He didn't have an answer for that.
I downloaded the Kindle app for reading eBooks on my cell phone and on my computer today to check out a book that was recommended. I actually downloaded a free romance novel! I haven't spent time reading romance in years and it is something that I miss and enjoy doing very much. So I'm going to go make a turkey sandwich, ignore the 2 males in my life and immerse myself into the wonderful world of romance!
Mom
BarbieBF
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Can you be my friend? Can I have...?
That was a short lived... Hubby and I went to get my son from the shelter that night after he called me asking to come home. He had called his Nana and she told him to call me, apologize and for him to come home, so he did. I was actually pleasantly surprised when I got to the shelter. It's a different one then the one he went to last time and a lot nicer! It is in an industrial area, therefore not a bad neighbourhood. The grounds were clean and even though I only went in a small ways, I could see a fairly big living area with lots of sofas, a TV and computers. It was decorated for Christmas. He said that the food was great as he had lunch and dinner there. The people that I did see hanging around were certainly a different type then what I say at the last shelter and for the better. Good to know in case we are ever in need of a shelter again that this one would definitely be the one to go to. I did ask him before we left if coming home was what he wanted as I wanted him to be aware that he was making a choice and I didn't want him to do it just because he was told to. He paused for a moment and said yes I want to come home.
I didn't talk to him much that night as by the time we got home it was after 8:30 so bed time for hubby and I. I did ask him if he was craving marijuana and he said yes but not bad. I asked if this whole shelter thing was so that he could find a way to use marijuana as honestly I'm still trying to figure all this out and what his motivation was. He said no. I asked if he could explain what it was then because I don't understand. His anger got the best of him. He was mad at me because I expected him to do what I asked without giving him a chance to do it. Hmm not quit accurate. When I ask him to do something several times with anywhere from 10-60 minutes in between asking... He also stated that I should be more lenient as his mom. I really can't be more lenient without treating him like he is 5 and has a physical disability that makes him incapable of moving. Anyways I'm done being lenient and I told him so. If he can act appropriately at a shelter, which he can, then he act appropriately at home by picking up after himself and being on a sensible sleep schedule. I'm so horrible aren't I? (sarcasm) We agreed on him being in bed by 12 and up by 10. Deja vu! as we have made that agreement before.
Yesterday I set up some alarms on his cell phone to go off when it's time for him to take his medications and when it's time to get up. Yesterday even though I started trying to get him up before 10, I had no luck until almost 11 when I stated that if he didn't get up he wouldn't get the internet back. He got up right away! Shortly after he got up I'm being asked if I'm his friend? Can I be his friend? I told him I will always be his mom first before I'm his friend. Next it was asking me if I would give our neighbour permission to give him marijuana. His idea of being a friend... He can think to plot out a conversation leading up to this type of manipulation but can't pick up his own garbage?!
The last two days have been mostly him asking for things. Money for the store. A trip for cigarettes even though he still has over a carton. A new pen with different colors from Staples. Netflix. I don't remember the other things. Recently I upgraded his World of Warcraft and paid for the monthly subscription and he's been playing Maple Story, a free online game! Speaking of, I need to cancel that subscription. I guess he is now already bored with the new Wii u. Actually I might play it once I'm done this post as I enjoyed one of the games I played while trying to set it up :) I swear I could give him the world on a silver platter and he would still ask for and expect something else. I know that he is having trouble and yesterday I tried to talk to him and explain that what he is feeling is a result of his schizophrenia not being under control. He wants marijuana and he wants me to agree to him having it as a way to deal with his anxiety and stress. I explained that if we do that then we are just treating part of the problem since masking his anxiety and stress is not managing or treating the schizophrenia that is causing it. I asked him how much brain damage he is willing to cause himself by taking this route, that this last break has done damage and it was obvious that it had, which he agreed. I will not agree to marijuana under any circumstances while he is living with me. If you ever need to wonder what motivates my son on occasion (frequently) to want to move, get away from me and this place... I'm pretty sure this is the main reason. Freedom. Freedom to spend his first paycheck (disability) as he calls it on marijuana and get as high as he can with no one to stop him or interfere.
Last night another conversation regarding the fact that he wants/needs more money and this world is messed up if people have to work to get what they want and aren't going to hand him whatever he wants. He wanted me to agree to not take my portion of his next two disability payments. I don't think so. I'm already supporting him with no income and paying for his medications. The bank is closed :) Then it was that he may move back to British Columbia. I didn't even comment or respond to that one. Really what's the point. Nothing I say or do at the moment will be good enough unless it's to give him whatever he wants and to pat him on the head while I walk around behind him picking up his messes and putting him to bed which I did last night at 1.
This morning he actually got up when his alarm went off at 10. He had asked my husband last night if he could take him for a drive today and that was the first thing he asked when got up. Amazing how well his memory works isn't it? ;) Yet it took me 3 or 4 times of asking to get him to pick up his garbage off the coffee table from last night and clean up the mess he made on the kitchen counter. I keep reminding myself to keep my cool and try my best to ignore this type of behaviour as if I ask him to do something and don't turn away or expect him to do it right away, he will purposely sit down and not do it. I'm serious lol I have watched as I sometimes ask him while his already standing up and standing beside the garbage. He will sit down and say: ya ok, in a minute... 15 minutes later when I start to ask again, he cuts me off before I can even get the words out. Tell me that's not defiance at it's best! I remind him that according to him he doesn't do it because I do it and I'm not picking up after him anymore so therefore he needs to be the one doing it.
It's frustrating that he keeps using me being mom as the reason why he doesn't want to do anything yet expects me to give him the freedom of a 20 year old while expecting me to treat him like he is 5. I'm not stopping him from taking this freedom. I spent about 2-3 hours this morning printing and filling out housing forms and applications. Covering a range of services including group homes, shared living and geared to income apartments. He thinks because his Nana got an apartment for $300 then he should be able to as well. I tried to explain that these types of services are 30% of your income not a set dollar amount and he will need to pay for groceries, utilities himself. He wants me doing it and not his case worker from PACT even though I explained that these forms are by referral from professionals, which I am not. So ya back to being defiant about accepting PACT's help. Probably because I told him that I want him interacting with them more even if it's only to go for a coffee and talk. I really do sometimes think that doing something that I want him to do without it being a fight or hassle just might kill him :) I filled out what I could for the forms and left the professional parts blank for his case worker. I was pretty truthful on the forms and I'm hoping it doesn't have a negative result as there was questions regarding violence (verbal & physical) and a history of property damage. Unfortunately the answers are yes.
I'm off to play some Wii...
Mom
BarbieBF
I didn't talk to him much that night as by the time we got home it was after 8:30 so bed time for hubby and I. I did ask him if he was craving marijuana and he said yes but not bad. I asked if this whole shelter thing was so that he could find a way to use marijuana as honestly I'm still trying to figure all this out and what his motivation was. He said no. I asked if he could explain what it was then because I don't understand. His anger got the best of him. He was mad at me because I expected him to do what I asked without giving him a chance to do it. Hmm not quit accurate. When I ask him to do something several times with anywhere from 10-60 minutes in between asking... He also stated that I should be more lenient as his mom. I really can't be more lenient without treating him like he is 5 and has a physical disability that makes him incapable of moving. Anyways I'm done being lenient and I told him so. If he can act appropriately at a shelter, which he can, then he act appropriately at home by picking up after himself and being on a sensible sleep schedule. I'm so horrible aren't I? (sarcasm) We agreed on him being in bed by 12 and up by 10. Deja vu! as we have made that agreement before.
Yesterday I set up some alarms on his cell phone to go off when it's time for him to take his medications and when it's time to get up. Yesterday even though I started trying to get him up before 10, I had no luck until almost 11 when I stated that if he didn't get up he wouldn't get the internet back. He got up right away! Shortly after he got up I'm being asked if I'm his friend? Can I be his friend? I told him I will always be his mom first before I'm his friend. Next it was asking me if I would give our neighbour permission to give him marijuana. His idea of being a friend... He can think to plot out a conversation leading up to this type of manipulation but can't pick up his own garbage?!
The last two days have been mostly him asking for things. Money for the store. A trip for cigarettes even though he still has over a carton. A new pen with different colors from Staples. Netflix. I don't remember the other things. Recently I upgraded his World of Warcraft and paid for the monthly subscription and he's been playing Maple Story, a free online game! Speaking of, I need to cancel that subscription. I guess he is now already bored with the new Wii u. Actually I might play it once I'm done this post as I enjoyed one of the games I played while trying to set it up :) I swear I could give him the world on a silver platter and he would still ask for and expect something else. I know that he is having trouble and yesterday I tried to talk to him and explain that what he is feeling is a result of his schizophrenia not being under control. He wants marijuana and he wants me to agree to him having it as a way to deal with his anxiety and stress. I explained that if we do that then we are just treating part of the problem since masking his anxiety and stress is not managing or treating the schizophrenia that is causing it. I asked him how much brain damage he is willing to cause himself by taking this route, that this last break has done damage and it was obvious that it had, which he agreed. I will not agree to marijuana under any circumstances while he is living with me. If you ever need to wonder what motivates my son on occasion (frequently) to want to move, get away from me and this place... I'm pretty sure this is the main reason. Freedom. Freedom to spend his first paycheck (disability) as he calls it on marijuana and get as high as he can with no one to stop him or interfere.
Last night another conversation regarding the fact that he wants/needs more money and this world is messed up if people have to work to get what they want and aren't going to hand him whatever he wants. He wanted me to agree to not take my portion of his next two disability payments. I don't think so. I'm already supporting him with no income and paying for his medications. The bank is closed :) Then it was that he may move back to British Columbia. I didn't even comment or respond to that one. Really what's the point. Nothing I say or do at the moment will be good enough unless it's to give him whatever he wants and to pat him on the head while I walk around behind him picking up his messes and putting him to bed which I did last night at 1.
This morning he actually got up when his alarm went off at 10. He had asked my husband last night if he could take him for a drive today and that was the first thing he asked when got up. Amazing how well his memory works isn't it? ;) Yet it took me 3 or 4 times of asking to get him to pick up his garbage off the coffee table from last night and clean up the mess he made on the kitchen counter. I keep reminding myself to keep my cool and try my best to ignore this type of behaviour as if I ask him to do something and don't turn away or expect him to do it right away, he will purposely sit down and not do it. I'm serious lol I have watched as I sometimes ask him while his already standing up and standing beside the garbage. He will sit down and say: ya ok, in a minute... 15 minutes later when I start to ask again, he cuts me off before I can even get the words out. Tell me that's not defiance at it's best! I remind him that according to him he doesn't do it because I do it and I'm not picking up after him anymore so therefore he needs to be the one doing it.
It's frustrating that he keeps using me being mom as the reason why he doesn't want to do anything yet expects me to give him the freedom of a 20 year old while expecting me to treat him like he is 5. I'm not stopping him from taking this freedom. I spent about 2-3 hours this morning printing and filling out housing forms and applications. Covering a range of services including group homes, shared living and geared to income apartments. He thinks because his Nana got an apartment for $300 then he should be able to as well. I tried to explain that these types of services are 30% of your income not a set dollar amount and he will need to pay for groceries, utilities himself. He wants me doing it and not his case worker from PACT even though I explained that these forms are by referral from professionals, which I am not. So ya back to being defiant about accepting PACT's help. Probably because I told him that I want him interacting with them more even if it's only to go for a coffee and talk. I really do sometimes think that doing something that I want him to do without it being a fight or hassle just might kill him :) I filled out what I could for the forms and left the professional parts blank for his case worker. I was pretty truthful on the forms and I'm hoping it doesn't have a negative result as there was questions regarding violence (verbal & physical) and a history of property damage. Unfortunately the answers are yes.
I'm off to play some Wii...
Mom
BarbieBF
Monday, August 18, 2014
Tough Love and Boundaries
My son has been off his Invega for a week now and has had about 15 hours of sleep in the past 50 hours. Hasn't eaten a proper meal since probably Wednesday or Thursday of last week. Saturday we spent 6 hours in emergency. He was sent home with a prescription for Seroquel/Quetiapine. After waiting the 6 hours in emergency for my son I got informed by the treating psychiatrist that my son didn't want them talking to me. I said that is fine but I know you can listen. Filled in some details and stated he is looking for benzos. I belief he was trying to get Ativan/Lorazepam. His reason for coming off the Invega. It makes him too alert during the day, like he needs to get up and do something like go to the gym and he doesn't want to feel like that while he is living here. So the Invega was working and doing what it is supposed to do, in my opinion. He took the Seroquel twice, got some much needed sleep, and is now saying he doesn't need it that it is a PRN. He even refuses to acknowledge that it is an anti-psychotic. Or me telling him that it is, is what is making him not take it as on Saturday he stated that he really liked how it was making him feel.
I love my son but I think I need to get out of the picture a little bit, or a lot. As long as he can continue to blame me for everything then he will never be able to see that it's schizophrenia that is causing him to feel and act like this. I did tell the nurse at the hospital that if things got any easier for him at home that I would be wiping his butt for him. And it's still not good enough for him. He wants me to be nicer. I don't even know what that means anymore. Not tell him that he needs anti-psychotics? Not expect him to clean up after himself? Not point out that things that he is saying just don't make sense? I can't see him not having another break if things keep going the way that they are. He does need his anti-psychotics and he does need more structure. Structure that I obviously can't provide as he won't accept it coming from me. His ODD is in full gear. According to him he is an adult and his treatment is none of my business.
He was up all night again last night. When I got up at 4 he stated that he had insomnia and couldn't sleep even though he had taken his pills. I checked and he hadn't taken them, they were still in his dish. All that was in there was his Lithium and Clozapine. No Invega or Seroquel. He took them but then I heard him in the bathroom coughing/gagging so I'm hoping he didn't spit them back up. I insisted that he go to his room even if he wasn't going to go to sleep. He had the living room to himself from 9 last night to 4 this morning. Now it was my turn. When I suggested he take a Trazodone for sleep he stated that that medication makes him want to cry. This is the first that I have heard this and to my knowledge it never did this. I think he is very confused.
I called his case worker this morning and she came by around 10 PM. She had some information on the shelters in the area as when I called her I told her that he needs to go. I had told him on Saturday that he can't stay here if he is not going to take his medications as prescribed or with the attitude that I not be a part of his treatment. The meeting didn't go to good. He was having a lot of trouble following what she was saying. He basically asked her to leave stating the he was too tired to talk to anyone.
So here I am at 12:44 PM and I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to help him accept what he needs to accept. Me being his mother is getting in the way of him accepting responsibility for his own life and choices. He is relying on me as mom in every way that a child would yet insisting that he's an adult. I know that it is his schizophrenia and ODD that is causing this however I can't see this changing unless his current circumstances change. Without me as a scapegoat perhaps he will be able to look at things differently. Or not. However I think it's time to find out just how sick or capable he really is. More importantly he needs to find this out for himself. Between PACT and Ready4Life he has so much support available to him.
Hopefully I will hear back from his case worker today. I know that the two shelters she called were full this morning. The shelters are not like drop in community centers or soup kitchens. They are staffed with onsite personnel that oversee his medications, have structured meal times and people available to him for support including mental health.
Mom
BarbieBF
I love my son but I think I need to get out of the picture a little bit, or a lot. As long as he can continue to blame me for everything then he will never be able to see that it's schizophrenia that is causing him to feel and act like this. I did tell the nurse at the hospital that if things got any easier for him at home that I would be wiping his butt for him. And it's still not good enough for him. He wants me to be nicer. I don't even know what that means anymore. Not tell him that he needs anti-psychotics? Not expect him to clean up after himself? Not point out that things that he is saying just don't make sense? I can't see him not having another break if things keep going the way that they are. He does need his anti-psychotics and he does need more structure. Structure that I obviously can't provide as he won't accept it coming from me. His ODD is in full gear. According to him he is an adult and his treatment is none of my business.
He was up all night again last night. When I got up at 4 he stated that he had insomnia and couldn't sleep even though he had taken his pills. I checked and he hadn't taken them, they were still in his dish. All that was in there was his Lithium and Clozapine. No Invega or Seroquel. He took them but then I heard him in the bathroom coughing/gagging so I'm hoping he didn't spit them back up. I insisted that he go to his room even if he wasn't going to go to sleep. He had the living room to himself from 9 last night to 4 this morning. Now it was my turn. When I suggested he take a Trazodone for sleep he stated that that medication makes him want to cry. This is the first that I have heard this and to my knowledge it never did this. I think he is very confused.
I called his case worker this morning and she came by around 10 PM. She had some information on the shelters in the area as when I called her I told her that he needs to go. I had told him on Saturday that he can't stay here if he is not going to take his medications as prescribed or with the attitude that I not be a part of his treatment. The meeting didn't go to good. He was having a lot of trouble following what she was saying. He basically asked her to leave stating the he was too tired to talk to anyone.
So here I am at 12:44 PM and I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to help him accept what he needs to accept. Me being his mother is getting in the way of him accepting responsibility for his own life and choices. He is relying on me as mom in every way that a child would yet insisting that he's an adult. I know that it is his schizophrenia and ODD that is causing this however I can't see this changing unless his current circumstances change. Without me as a scapegoat perhaps he will be able to look at things differently. Or not. However I think it's time to find out just how sick or capable he really is. More importantly he needs to find this out for himself. Between PACT and Ready4Life he has so much support available to him.
Hopefully I will hear back from his case worker today. I know that the two shelters she called were full this morning. The shelters are not like drop in community centers or soup kitchens. They are staffed with onsite personnel that oversee his medications, have structured meal times and people available to him for support including mental health.
Mom
BarbieBF
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Between a Rock and a Hard Place.
I have not been so unsure of what to do in a long time. My heart is aching, my brain is saying it's time and I'm stuck, just stuck! No one can tell me what to do and no one can know what the outcome will be. I sometimes wonder about parent/caregiver PTSD. Watching our loved ones go through psychotic breaks and episodes is traumatic. Even when stable the fear of if/when the next break will happen is a daily concern and worry. We live with the anxiety and stress of questioning everything that we do. Is this the right choice? Will this work or make things worse? What if what I'm doing is wrong? and even What if what I'm doing is right? Then what? When things are tough we put our heads down, square our shoulders and pray for the strength to just get through one more day. We have learned to ride the waves, so to speak, and to hope for calmer waters. Then one day those waves abate just a little bit and we can look up. New uncharted territory. Do we pull ashore or keep riding the waves we now have intimate knowledge of? Christopher Columbus would not have discovered a new continent if he had stayed in the boat!
I woke up this morning to the usual mess in my kitchen and living room with my son snoring away on the sofa. Again he had not taken his pills until sometime this morning. I call his name and he sits up. The sofa is soaked with his sweat. Sweat that smells like hot sauce. After several attempts and incoherent responses I finally get him off the sofa and tell him he needs to clean up some of this mess as my husband won't be able to find room to even make his lunch for work. He managed to pick up a couple of items from the coffee table before heading to the bathroom to hug the toilet. A result of him being mobile while sedating meds are strong in his system or something else, as he has been going for 'walks' again. He must not have been very coherent when he was eating a bowl of canned ravioli as it was smeared on the sofa and on the floor. So it's 4:30 AM and I'm spot cleaning the sofa! Not a happy camper but I hold my tongue, put on some coffee since I'm obviously up, then talk him into moving from the bathroom to his bed so I can go pee. This is one boat that I don't want to be on anymore!
But! What will happen when he's on his own and there is no one that loves him watching out for him? Are his roommates going to tolerate even a quarter of what I tolerate? I have visions of him looking and smelling like a bum. Dirty laundry, dirty bedding. Garbage filled room. Not eating right. Perhaps even missed medications with un-monitored marijuana use. I see a psychotic break in the makings. PTSD or being realistic?
So I'm stuck between this proverbial rock and a hard place. My head is saying it's time to let go and my heart is saying but my little boy... There in lies perhaps a very important truth. He will always be my little boy but he is no longer a little boy. If I don't step back then I am only stunting him further as he will never learn to take responsibility for his own life and self-care. He will continue to have unrealistic expectations of both himself and those around him. The thought of him being 30 and us still treading the same waters is perhaps my life line. I can't imagine another 10 years of being maid and minion to my adult son.
His nurse said to me this morning: He is the one always saying that he is an adult and wants to be treated like one. She also pointed out that him moving out doesn't mean that I will never see him again. I tell myself that kids grow up and move away from home everyday. Granted most of those kids have a firmer grasp on reality and don't have cognitive deficits. They have learned through school and part time jobs, good and bad, how things work. On the up side my son has a network of people willing to help him. Until now I have been the one doing the asking for him. Baby steps mama! I need to step back and he needs to step up! Have I talked myself into letting this happen yet? I think so... *pushes me the rock out of the way and baby steps around it*
An article on Caregivers & PTSD: http://dontloseheart.org/
Mom
BarbieBF
Monday, June 9, 2014
Age of Anxiety
CBC News aired a documentary last night called 'The Age of Anxiety.' I did not watch the whole thing although I was pleasantly surprised to note that it was not what I thought it was going to be. My son actually brought it to our attention and it was his friend that brought it to his attention. My first thought was great. A show giving my son more ammunition to support his theory that his anxiety levels are through the roof.
On Saturday my son had returned from a three night sleep over at his friend's place. His friend is not currently residing across the hall with his father but with his mother across town. With these sleepovers comes some marijuana use and with this one, less medications. Each night my son did not take the prescribed amounts of Clozapine. He did however take at least half, which I am impressed with. Yesterday my son asked if we can go for a drive as he is stressed. I guess I don't always react to his liking when he says things like this as I asked with some surprise: Stressed about what?
My son: Stressed about life. I have been stressed for 4 years.
Me: I know you won't like this but how much weed did you smoke?
My son: Why do you have to put me down like that? I only smoked one puff.
Me: Do I have stupid written on my forehead? I know better then that.
My son: It was only one but it was from a bong and I got pretty stoned.
Me: How many pills did you miss?
Yes, he has been struggling with psychosis for going on 4 years. When he isn't smoking pot or drinking alcohol then he has some insight. Add marijuana and that insight quickly goes out the window. He is not experiencing symptoms but is being more spiritual. He is not going through withdrawal but has anxiety. He is not being moody, I'm being ignorant... I already knew that he would return with medications that he should have taken as he had called me and talked to me about wanting to dream therefor not take his medications as prescribed. Luckily he does not hide from me that he doesn't take them as I don't get mad about it. I can't make him and I stopped trying to a long time ago. I will however point out that his moods are altered when he doesn't take them or that he is experiencing withdrawal (what he calls anxiety) after using. For me the cause and affect is fairly obvious. He breaks the rules more. He makes more messes. He is more irritable. He doesn't sleep right as he is up and down all night and seems to have more night sweats. He starts asking questions about what I think happens to us after we die or where or what our souls are. He starts talking about things that two weeks ago he had decided that he was done thinking about as he has already wasted 3 years thinking about it.
Back to the CBC documentary. It discussed the DSM IV (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel of Mental Disorders). As I said, I didn't watch the whole thing however I did see them discussing the fact that anxiety disorders are being over-diagnosed. I have said it so many times and I tell my son that anxiety is a normal part of the human experience. We do not want to get rid of anxiety. It helps us to prepare for tough situations. Don't get me wrong. I do believe in anxiety disorders as my husband has GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). Every day situations cause him anxiety then he can not cope with and this has been going on for years. Why is anxiety being over-diagnosed? I have my own theories however I would recommend watching the documentary and forming your own opinion. My son didn't watch it to much past where they stated that anxiety disorders are being over-diagnosed... I stopped watching shortly after they were discussing Paxil and how it was being used to treat or get rid of shyness. Shyness is not a condition about myself that I particularly like however it is something about my personality that other's throughout my life have found very endearing about me and still do.
We seem to be back on track today. Two nights of being back on prescribed doses and minimal amount of coaching to get my son out the door for his GED class today, on time. Another good indicator is when he is able to take me being mom without turning it into me disrespecting him. I should be able to tell him that his alarm going off for the past 45 minutes is getting on my nerves without it being turned into how I'm being moody or PMS'ing...
Mom
BarbieBF
On Saturday my son had returned from a three night sleep over at his friend's place. His friend is not currently residing across the hall with his father but with his mother across town. With these sleepovers comes some marijuana use and with this one, less medications. Each night my son did not take the prescribed amounts of Clozapine. He did however take at least half, which I am impressed with. Yesterday my son asked if we can go for a drive as he is stressed. I guess I don't always react to his liking when he says things like this as I asked with some surprise: Stressed about what?
My son: Stressed about life. I have been stressed for 4 years.
Me: I know you won't like this but how much weed did you smoke?
My son: Why do you have to put me down like that? I only smoked one puff.
Me: Do I have stupid written on my forehead? I know better then that.
My son: It was only one but it was from a bong and I got pretty stoned.
Me: How many pills did you miss?
Yes, he has been struggling with psychosis for going on 4 years. When he isn't smoking pot or drinking alcohol then he has some insight. Add marijuana and that insight quickly goes out the window. He is not experiencing symptoms but is being more spiritual. He is not going through withdrawal but has anxiety. He is not being moody, I'm being ignorant... I already knew that he would return with medications that he should have taken as he had called me and talked to me about wanting to dream therefor not take his medications as prescribed. Luckily he does not hide from me that he doesn't take them as I don't get mad about it. I can't make him and I stopped trying to a long time ago. I will however point out that his moods are altered when he doesn't take them or that he is experiencing withdrawal (what he calls anxiety) after using. For me the cause and affect is fairly obvious. He breaks the rules more. He makes more messes. He is more irritable. He doesn't sleep right as he is up and down all night and seems to have more night sweats. He starts asking questions about what I think happens to us after we die or where or what our souls are. He starts talking about things that two weeks ago he had decided that he was done thinking about as he has already wasted 3 years thinking about it.
Back to the CBC documentary. It discussed the DSM IV (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel of Mental Disorders). As I said, I didn't watch the whole thing however I did see them discussing the fact that anxiety disorders are being over-diagnosed. I have said it so many times and I tell my son that anxiety is a normal part of the human experience. We do not want to get rid of anxiety. It helps us to prepare for tough situations. Don't get me wrong. I do believe in anxiety disorders as my husband has GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). Every day situations cause him anxiety then he can not cope with and this has been going on for years. Why is anxiety being over-diagnosed? I have my own theories however I would recommend watching the documentary and forming your own opinion. My son didn't watch it to much past where they stated that anxiety disorders are being over-diagnosed... I stopped watching shortly after they were discussing Paxil and how it was being used to treat or get rid of shyness. Shyness is not a condition about myself that I particularly like however it is something about my personality that other's throughout my life have found very endearing about me and still do.
We seem to be back on track today. Two nights of being back on prescribed doses and minimal amount of coaching to get my son out the door for his GED class today, on time. Another good indicator is when he is able to take me being mom without turning it into me disrespecting him. I should be able to tell him that his alarm going off for the past 45 minutes is getting on my nerves without it being turned into how I'm being moody or PMS'ing...
Mom
BarbieBF
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