You're real?!

Friday was the first time I had seen my son since September and obviously since his last full psychotic break. This break has a different feel about it then the one I saw him go through September of last year. A lot of it is the same of course however I don't recall the disorganization and word salad. I find myself having to ask him what certain words mean and once he describes it then I fill in the appropriate word. On the plane ride home he was tapping the tray and arm rest with a knuckle. When I asked him why he said he was testing the bandwidth of the carriage. I asked if he meant the density of the airplane and he said yes. Once he told me I was his limbo which meant I was like his left arm.

I didn't realize just how much he was still in psychosis until we were in the cafeteria at the hospital and he asked me how to tell if something was real or not. I asked him he was unsure about being in the cafeteria and he said yes and was concerned that the cafeteria would be scary to me. I can only guess at what he must have been seeing or hallucinating to think I would find it scary. He had denied hearing voices with the hospital psychiatrist however he knew better. I usually refer to them as entities as voices to me just don't give them justice. They are not just the sound of a voice. Clearly these entities were with us in the cafeteria so I told my son to not be afraid to try some reality checking by walking up to and touching what he is seeing to see if they are real. I toke his hand and had him touch my shoulder and after a couple of seconds he squeezed my shoulder and either asked or stated: You are real?!. Yes hun I'm real. Then I had him do the same with his sister so that he could know that we were both really there. It was sad to think that up until then he must have questioned that he was walking and talking with hallucinations. The severity of how sick he was struck me at that instance.

I questioned if I should have had him released when I did and I very much question if he should be out of the hospital yet. He is still too unstable. He wrote some notes on the plane and his thoughts are messed up. Some are good however the others are about sex and weapons. He actually asked me if he could have a gun... I added to his notes by changing his good thought of having a 'somewhat health life' to a 'very healthy life' and adding love, hope, family and that I love him very much. He seemed to like this. He did spend some time playing Mahjong, a matching tile game, on my phone for a bit. I was impressed to see that he could multitask to a certain degree. He still matched tiles even while he was laughing at his voices or intrusive thoughts :) I did ask him what they (voices) thought about me or if they had anything to say about me and apparently not so that is a good thing. I tried a couple of times to ask what was so funny that they must be saying something fairly funny however he couldn't or wouldn't tell me other then one comment about a dog's penis... Not sure I want to know more then that. He seems to have a fascination with animals during these times and not in a good way.

I did call disability again and left a message that he is here. I just called the pharmacy here to find out if they can bill another province for medications and was told 'sometimes it works'. I was really hoping for a yes as I'm hoping to get a sleep aide prescribed since getting him to bed last night was pretty much a no go and he needs his sleep to recover.

I have talked to his case worker at PACT today and she has already set up an appointment for his psychiatrist to come see him tomorrow. I have to talk to him about the amount of Invega he is on as 75 mg seems low to me. I also have to talk to him about putting my son on a Community Treatment Order (CTO) for medications. Hopefully the number of hospitalizations, now 8 of them, will be enough to have one put into place. I forgot to ask his case worker if she had prepared any releases for him to sign. Maybe PACT can have better luck getting disability to respond if they have a release signed. I think the psychiatrist will assess if my son needs to be hospitalized or not. He was left on Lithium as the psychiatrist was concerned there may be a mood component and didn't want to take any chances. I'm guessing that means he could be schizoaffective?

We got home around 1:30 last night... I had hoped that I would get him to bed at a reasonable time. Nope! Having the laptop and PSP4 set up was the first priority. Then it was the TV blaring at around 5 AM as he was watching Constantine. He said after that episode. Then it was calling Nana. Then it was not being able to sleep. Then I was being woken up as he wanted his bank card, then his glasses cause he was playing his PSP... I think he finally went to sleep after my husband left for work. Not sure how to fix this as this can't keep happening, him getting his nights and days mixed up, as it can contribute to psychosis.

It's 2:50 PM and my son just got up! I was thinking I would have to drag him out of bed if I wanted him sleeping tonight. Now that he is up I will put away his cloths.

Mom
BarbieBF

My bags are packed and I'm ready to go...

Ok I'm not packed and I'm not ready to go but I will be by the end of the day. ;)

I'm still waiting to hear back from disability and I'm beginning to gain a dislike for how easily professionals can mislead a person. I think that I have an understanding of what is going to happen and bam... the rug gets pulled out from under me yet again. After making mine and my son's current circumstances clear I thought I was well on my way to having power of attorney papers drawn up, even had my son's agreement to sign them, and then the lawyer throws a wrench in it stating that he needs to obtain instructions from my son. This after telling me that he could draw up the papers for me to take to BC for signing. The two just don't meet up... How does he plan on getting instructions from my son while he is in another province and if this was required he should have stated this previously. I had every intentions of getting it signed by a notary public so that my son's rights were being addressed. Oh well...

I talked to my son the other day about the power of attorney thing possibly being put on hold for now however in the meantime I would want certain things put into place when he comes home. First he needs to sign a release with PACT so that that can freely talk to me and me them. He agreed saying he didn't want to hide anything from me anymore. Lets hope that is true ;) I also let him know that once he is back on disability that the room and board portion of his payments are to come directly to me. He will still get his spending allowance sent to him. He agreed. At this point he may agree to anything to get released from the hospital but I'm hoping that he will follow through. He says that I have his word on it that he will. I will be happy to have these two things put into place.

The plan was to leave tomorrow, be picked up at the airport then go get my son released. What is that saying about well laid plans? Always expect the unexpected. They won't release him until the day we are flying out. The doctor doesn't want to take any chances with something going wrong while he is being transferred into the care of his psychiatrist and treatment team out here. I think he may himself also be playing a role in causing the doctor to play it safe. He has lost his smoking privileges as he tested positive for marijuana so smoked it during his hospital stay. He has also asked in front of his case worker at the hospital for $100-200 which we all know what he wants that for ;) So I can understand what they are trying to prevent.

The hospital will communicate with the PACT team out here and send over whatever information is needed regarding his medications. I'm happy to have them take over some of this.

I will be returning on Sunday providing everything goes according to plan. *fingers crossed*

Mom
BarbieBF

The Worry Jar

I saw reference to this on one of the groups that I'm in. It was for children but I thought why can't I have one too? So I got a jar, wrote down most of my worries and put them in the jar...

That I won't get out of dept
That I won't be able to help my son and keep him stable and safe
That my son will hate me for what I need to do

You get the point... I tend to worry and over think things so even if only for a moment it was a relief to put those worries in a jar... In a safe place... Until I'm ready to pull them out. Kind of like housework :) It's not going anywhere and will wait for me.

The Worry Jar Technique: Help Your Child Overcome Worries and Anxiety

The Worry Solution

I was talking to my best friend and another call came through... It was my son. I ended up having a good cry once I got off the phone. Still am a little bit ;) I can't say that I have heard him sound quit so lost and hopeless. The Invega is working so he is much more coherent but he is still somewhat delusional. He wants me and him to move to another country... The first thing he asked me is if I was coming to get him. For the first time in a long time, probably since the Adderall... he seemed to genuinely believe that I love him! I think that is what broke me, when he said that he knew that I loved him. No ego, no defiance..

I told him that I want to get power of attorney so that this doesn't happen again. He asked about getting or being his own attorney and I told him that up until now he has been his own attorney and look at where it has gotten him. In the hospital again and that even if he doesn't realize it he is lucky that he isn't in jail. I think he is having a hard time understanding what happened. I am not a scientist however I think after psychosis the brain tries to piece together what happened in a reasonably logical way and the pieces just don't fit so confabulations are created.

I did my best to explain to him what me having power of attorney means. That if he decides to go off of medications that I think that he needs then I get to make that decision. I asked him if he is willing to have me help him get his life back on track, back to where we were before the Adderall, to be his attorney or decision maker and he said yes. It was heartbreaking to have my son tell me that he is only looking forward to being here with me and doing nothing because no one well ever want him. As I have always tried to do. I told him that he is so much more then that. That he is an awesome human being and that I will do my best to give him the live that he deserves. That I will not let schizophrenia do this to him without a fight. I love him too much. So no he can not come here and do nothing... My rules have not changed. That I will push him to be the person that I know that he is capable of being.

I asked him if he still had voices, not to lie to me because I know that he did. He says the entities are gone now and that he is alone, that it is just him. Apparently they were driving him nuts (I smiled too!), constantly nagging him. I told him these entities are a part of schizophrenia and that the Invega will help keep them away. Him wanting them gone is a good thing.

I asked him to be a little patient and to give me some time to try to get everything sorted out. I'm still waiting to hear back from disability and the lawyer. Hopefully Monday will have my phone ringing with the answers that I need.

Mom
BarbieBF