The Proof is in the Pudding (bottle)

A phrase I tend to use a lot is the proof is in the pudding... Basically it means talk is cheap. Make the pudding (do the action) then we will see if one is really capable of doing what they say they can do. Once the pudding is made... there is your proof.

This morning I found 3 empty bottles of alcohol in my son's backpack. Here in Canada we call them mickeys. 375ml bottles. 2 fireball whiskey and 1 captain morgan's rum.

I know that at least one of them if not two of  them are new. Yesterday he went for a ride... To the liquor store obviously and drank at least a mickey last night.

I've noticed for a couple of weeks now that my son seems a bit off. Nothing major but it's there and I couldn't put my finger on what it was causing it. In the back of my head I was beginning to question if his medications were starting to stop working. Now I know why... He's binge drinking again.

My son has an addictive personality. He can't just have one... Once triggered he seems to go through phases of needing to drink. I'm usually prepared for it after his birthday or special occasions like Christmas.

I'm starting to have trouble sleeping again. Waking up every 1-2 hours. This morning it kinda clicked in my head. Before when my son lived with me this would be my sleep pattern. As any parent out there with mentally ill children know... There is no letting our guards down completely.

I'm grateful that he is still taking his medications. That's why I don't sleep... It's constantly waking up to check on him and try to 'nicely' remind/tell him to take his medications without of course triggering his defiance. Without his medications and with the drinking he is doing he can be a step away from a relapse. Sadly that is all that it takes.

He has been spending long periods again just lying there... On his back, arms crossed over his chest. I really don't like seeing it. It's how someone looks in a coffin. He's what I call in his own head space. Not a good spot for him to be in for any length of time.

Usually he is waking us up all night, in and out smoking. How much he smokes tends to go down as well when he isn't doing well. He hasn't been smoking as much at night as he usually does. He's not even smoking weed like he normally does now that I think about it.... When he's not using his main crutch (marijuana), that's a red flag.

Of all the things that my son goes through with his diagnoses, I would have to say that addiction is what I dislike the most. I think I hate alcohol. I only have to look around me and remember my own past to remind myself why I don't want it in my life, ever again.

I'm out of practice I guess... Not that there is anything I can do to change what is happening except pray that God take away his need for alcohol. Geesh... Everyone's need for it!

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