The Proof is in the Pudding (bottle)

A phrase I tend to use a lot is the proof is in the pudding... Basically it means talk is cheap. Make the pudding (do the action) then we will see if one is really capable of doing what they say they can do. Once the pudding is made... there is your proof.

This morning I found 3 empty bottles of alcohol in my son's backpack. Here in Canada we call them mickeys. 375ml bottles. 2 fireball whiskey and 1 captain morgan's rum.

I know that at least one of them if not two of  them are new. Yesterday he went for a ride... To the liquor store obviously and drank at least a mickey last night.

I've noticed for a couple of weeks now that my son seems a bit off. Nothing major but it's there and I couldn't put my finger on what it was causing it. In the back of my head I was beginning to question if his medications were starting to stop working. Now I know why... He's binge drinking again.

My son has an addictive personality. He can't just have one... Once triggered he seems to go through phases of needing to drink. I'm usually prepared for it after his birthday or special occasions like Christmas.

I'm starting to have trouble sleeping again. Waking up every 1-2 hours. This morning it kinda clicked in my head. Before when my son lived with me this would be my sleep pattern. As any parent out there with mentally ill children know... There is no letting our guards down completely.

I'm grateful that he is still taking his medications. That's why I don't sleep... It's constantly waking up to check on him and try to 'nicely' remind/tell him to take his medications without of course triggering his defiance. Without his medications and with the drinking he is doing he can be a step away from a relapse. Sadly that is all that it takes.

He has been spending long periods again just lying there... On his back, arms crossed over his chest. I really don't like seeing it. It's how someone looks in a coffin. He's what I call in his own head space. Not a good spot for him to be in for any length of time.

Usually he is waking us up all night, in and out smoking. How much he smokes tends to go down as well when he isn't doing well. He hasn't been smoking as much at night as he usually does. He's not even smoking weed like he normally does now that I think about it.... When he's not using his main crutch (marijuana), that's a red flag.

Of all the things that my son goes through with his diagnoses, I would have to say that addiction is what I dislike the most. I think I hate alcohol. I only have to look around me and remember my own past to remind myself why I don't want it in my life, ever again.

I'm out of practice I guess... Not that there is anything I can do to change what is happening except pray that God take away his need for alcohol. Geesh... Everyone's need for it!

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2020. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

6 months clean. Now what? Praying.

On the 17th I was clean from drugs for 6 months. As I'm sure I've said before, being clean is actually the easiest thing in my life right now. Living in a drug free environment I'm sure plays a big part.

Would that one day I could say that my son had some clean time under his belt. The last time he was here he again mentioned living with us. I don't really know exactly what the plan is or who is doing what however it seems that his dad is helping him to save to get his own place as the group home he is living in is closing. While my son is looking forward to this change, I am not. I have no idea who is going to be responsible for his medications, him taking them, or who is going to have control over his money. The condition for him living with me is that I have power of attorney. Trust me the last thing I want is to have control over his money and medications however given that we know what is capable of happening when he is sick, we can't have that around my grandson.

My son smokes a lot of marijuana. The last time he was here he actually didn't smoke a lot on the first night. What a difference. It was like having my son here. I know there are a lot of benefits to marijuana however not if one has psychosis. I certainly wish the world or those who advocate for it understood the damage it does to someone predisposed to psychosis. It's not a one size fits all. My son doesn't smoke too much then get all cuddly and get the munchies. He loses contact with this world in a bad way.

I've thought about calling his dad and asking what the plan is.... Given past experience I'm not sure it would do much good. I would probably get accused of meddling and/or get a lot of: I don't knows....

A couple of weeks ago my hubby left to go back to where we moved from last year, for work. He didn't leave in a good way and I wasn't a part of the decision to go. In fact I've had to make it known that we didn't break up. Not that it didn't feel like it at the time.

I've been reading a book called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. His website: Gary Thomas
I can honestly say that I love this book. The hard part is that the more it shows me how a marriage could be, the more it shows me how lacking my own marriage is. Don't get me wrong, my marriage is something I can't even imagine myself walking away from. I have a lot of work ahead of me. Not just as a wife but as a newly born Christian woman.

I think I have finally gotten rid of most of the fleas on my cats. At least I haven't found any on them in the last week. Knock on wood. Apparently vinegar kills and repels them so I've started mopping my floors with it. It's also not harmful to the cats like most store bought household cleaners so bonus.

Here where I'm living, it seems like spring has finally sprung! Can't say the same for where hubby is. Karma ;) I know... not really nice of me but what can I say... I've been trying to get into the habit of getting myself and my grandson outside for a bit during the day now to enjoy the nice weather.

I also need to start getting healthy again and lose a little weight. All my 'big' cloths are now my tight cloths. Not that I'm complaining as it's part of the recovery process. Having gone so long without getting the right nutrition or even enough to eat due to using, I have to give my body a break and rebuild some stamina. Still it's time....

I had other things on my mind to B about... However I will leave them in my head where they belong. Actually I will give them God, where they belong. Just another step in the process of learning to let go. Now I'm learning to: Let go and let God.

I'm also working on something that I thought I had a good handle on and that's unconditional love. When it comes to my children and most of the world, it's easy. When it comes to my hubby, not so much. It's harder when you have expectations of someone that you consider to by half of yourself and therefore half as capable.

Bye for now....

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

This circus has 2 Ringleaders

I think I'm just going to have to accept that my life is never going to be without it's complications.

A couple of days ago I meet with my counselor from the ADAPT program for addiction.

Without going into all the dirty details... I found out that my husband and daughter were using drugs together. I found out that my husband didn't go and stay clean 4 years ago like I thought he did. I found out that everyone but me knew that he was using and helped him and my daughter to keep it from me.  I know right... 3 months later and yeah it still hurts big time. However it is getting better.

Some may be thinking: leave him, kick him out....

Whether you believe addiction is a disease or not, it's not something that I believe in turning my back on family for. After-all I'm an addict too and well I ended up relapsing too. Sad yes I know. Basically 15 years clean of my drug of choice and I'm back struggling with urges that I thought were long in my past.

So even if I did leave my husband. That still leaves my daughter. Like the title says: This circus has 2 Ringleaders: Senior is my husband, Junior is my daughter. It also has an 11 month old baby that needs his family.

I understand addiction, which helps, however it's not helping me with my feelings of betrayal, hurt and of course the anger. Honestly thinking back I couldn't have coped without something. Using helped me to be able to think about it all without completely losing it. In hindsight I guess a prescription of Valium or Perks would have been the more logical choice or at least the choice that wouldn't have ended up with my daughter making the choice to put her son in foster care.

Still I find myself not regretting the choice to use with my husband. Amidst all the rest, jealousy reared it's ugly head. Jealousy that my daughter had a relationship with my husband that I wasn't a part of or even understood. Using comes with a certain amount of intimacy. An intimacy that my husband and I had long lost. Now I know why but for the past say two years I couldn't understand what was happening or why.

As with any addiction it's progressive. As time was going by the family unit was dying. There was no family time of watching our TV shows like we used to during the week after dinner. No spending the weekends together. Everyone was busy... I was home, with the baby most of the time, being 'the curtain'. The person that was helping to present to the rest of the world and The Children's Aid Society the happy, stable, functioning lie that everything was ok.

What happened when I joined that circus? It seems I became the bad guy for a lot of people. Everyone was ok with me being in the dark and being lied to. Not so much ok with me letting the curtain fall and all hell break lose. Well tough shit I say!

I'm done being everyone else's pillar or curtain or justification for any of their choices.

So many emotions I'm still struggling with. So many times I have heard from different people since I found out that they are so happy that I now know because they didn't like lying to me. Really! Great, thanks! Now that everyone else is absolved of feeling any guilt over their actions... Yes I still sometimes wonder how they can look me in the face at all. Like I said I understand addiction but that doesn't really help that much. The lying and manipulations are a choice and don't have to be a part of using.

There are so many things from the past couple of years that at the time I was so utterly confused and frustrated about because I couldn't understand what was going on. It was all just making me feel like a failure... Nothing I was doing was right or helping or fixing what I could see was falling apart but like I said: didn't know why.

So many situations that have been tainted with the truth of it all. One being my wedding. I'm pretty sure they all feel pretty good about the fact that they were all apparently without drugs on my special day. Not saying much for the rest of the trip or the fact that my husband and his brother couldn't seem to get it together enough to even dress themselves properly. I can now think about that day and look at pictures and still feel some form of happiness that it was my wedding day. I still love my wedding dress!

I finally got around to tidying up my basement and starting a new puzzle. I love doing puzzles. Our basement walls are covered in the puzzles we have as a family done together... unfortunately I was the only straight one doing them. For a bit I couldn't look at them without wanting to take them all down. The puzzle I started is a new one that has nothing to do with the past. My own form of therapy.

There are more... I've asked my counselor with ways to cope with the short term feelings of hurt and anger that overcome me when certain things come to light. We will discuss these next week. As time goes by there will be more situations that will make sense now that I have a clue.

From the start my daughter has said to me: How could you have not know? You had blinders on. I say: No, not really. One can't see what one doesn't know. How could I know the difference between my husband or her for that matter, using and not using if they were never clean?

Now I'm working on getting some structure back into my own life. Getting back into using my stepper and exercising. I started back doing my inside sales job a couple of days ago. Eating right, sleeping right. Back on my anti-depressants.

Most of all, wanting to find a way to get my grandson back with family, however that might look like. My daughter is currently living in a dry-group home. Which means they monitor for drugs and alcohol. Baby-daddy is currently living with me. Another complicated situation. Visitation at the moment is one day a week at my place and one day a week with my daughter at the group home. The times should go up with each passing week as long as we all stay clean.

Not sure how all that is going to play out. My daughter needs to be in her own place in order to get her son back full time. Or back here but she seems pretty determined that my place is not a safe place. I say: bullshit! How safe my place is, is on her own choices and always have been. She will have to make the same choices here or on her own when it comes to using. But for the moment these are not my choices to make. I'm really hoping that given the time her and baby-daddy will get their son back.

Now for some good news! My son is doing really good. I guess just over a month ago, he was transferred to a group home. Yes a big step. A lot more freedom however still with structure when it comes to taking his medications. He calls me once or twice a week. Usually just to talk about what is going on with his laptop and the games that he is playing.

Time for a fresh cup of coffee and my Facebook games!

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Who needs toddlers when....

you have three, one of them a frisky not yet a year old, cats?

Just sitting her listening to Frosty run around, bugging the other two cats while he has one of his frisky moments as I call them. Where nothing is safe and nowhere is out of reach!

I know I haven't been around. Sorry about that... Yesterday I popped onto blogger and noticed the number of times my pages have been viewed. They are all over 400 views! Wow.

I have about an hour in between work shifts so thought I would stop in and say hi. *waves*

I hope that everyone is doing ok, or at least surviving.

Sometimes I feel a bit guilty for not coming here often however for right now my life is not about schizophrenia or mental illness and honestly I'm loving it. I'm sure there will come a time when I'm yet again living and breathing schizophrenia and therefore pouring my soul out here but for right now life is good.

If you are reading, I'm sure you are wondering how my son is doing. Not bad actually. He calls fairly regularly and sometimes when he doesn't want anything. ;)

Financially I'm not helping him much. I try to send him cigarettes every couple of weeks as I know he doesn't have much spending money. He's in a long term treatment facility. He has his own room and a fair amount of freedom providing he follows the rules. If he gets drug tested and it comes back positive then he loses some privileges. His medications are being administered to him. As far as I know he is still on Clozapine and Lithium.

As part of some of the programs or services they provide there, he participates in doing things that pay him a small fee. He goes out on outings like snow boarding.

Recently he started a medication that is supposed to help with alcohol cravings. I haven't looked up which medication. The last time I talked to him I asked him why he was doing it because not wanting to drink doesn't sound like my son to me. He agreed that he didn't want to stop drinking but his doctor wanted him to try it so he is. My theory is that he is hoping that it will get him transferred out of there faster if he does what they want. Either way if it helps... Regardless of his motivation it shows that he is able to look at long term goals and what is needed to achieve them.

I can't wait for tomorrow...

My daughter and grandson have been away since before Christmas! We will be picking them up at the airport tomorrow morning. Can't wait to hold that baby in my arms! My daughter too. ;)

Hubby and I are doing great. As much as we are looking forward to tomorrow morning, we have very much enjoyed our one on one time.

Going to go warm up my coffee and head back to work. I'll try not to be such a stranger...

Love
BarbieBF
Mom
Grandma

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Embracing what is.

It's been awhile... Sorry about that.

I remember when I was younger someone telling me they wanted to grow old gracefully. I didn't understand that then however I think I get it now. Except I prefer to think of it as embracing what is and what is to come. We are going to age no matter what. It's how we choose to deal with those changes that I guess would be the graceful part.

Granted I'm not that old yet. I'm only 43 and I don't look 43. When I'm out with my children we usually get asked if we are siblings. Kind-of cool right? Perhaps. However I'm coming into another stage of my life and I want to embrace it. I am embracing it. Are you ready?

I'm going to be a grandma! I'm so excited about this. My daughter is going to have a baby!

I know I haven't been around much lately. Here or on my Facebook page or anywhere else for that matter. Life has been pretty full lately. Work is going good and keeping me busy during the days. Winter is here. My daughter is here! She came home to have her baby and to do her schooling. She has orientation on Friday and starts classes next week. I think she is about 8 weeks along and dealing with some nausea.

Some have reservations about her being here. About her having a baby so young. I just shake my head and wonder if they have all blocked out where we were when we had our babies. I remember where me and my kids dad where when my first was born. Living with my mother. Certainly not any older or more mature. Concerns about me mothering her too much. Haha! I plan to! There are times when a girl needs her mom and this is one of them. There are times when a girl needs to be mothered and accepted with no reservations and this is one of them. Soon enough she will have to take on the responsibility of being a mother herself. For now I will more then gladly take on the responsibility of being her mother, of putting her first, because it's been a long time since anyone did that for her. For her, not just because of the baby. Her world has been turned upside down. I will do my best to turn it upside right. :)

So taking prenatal vitamins and B6 for nausea is now part of our daily dinnertime routine. We are waiting on the referral to the baby doctor for her first appointment. Boy or girl? There is always a debate on that one. I only know that I started dreaming about a little girl that reminded me of my daughter sometime last year... Either way I can't wait!

Hubby has been embracing this as well. He is looking forward to going through it all with her. Due to the weather he hasn't been working a lot lately so when he is home he takes her with him when he is out scooting around from place to place.

As you may remember from one of my earlier posts, I have been trying to grow my hair out and go natural. So yes grey. The other day I got a hair cut, short. Took off all the old blond so now it's just my natural blend. My daughter doesn't particularly like it but hubby and I love it. I like the grey. I also got a new pair of glasses as my eyesight took a bit of a dive. I got progressive bifocals. Bifocals without the line.

As for my son. Not a lot has changed. He is still in the hospital waiting to go into the treatment center whenever they have a bed available. He calls me once or twice a month to ask for money. I don't know a lot about his treatment as he still hasn't signed a release for me and for the most part no one else including himself seems that aware of what meds he is on or doses etc. His grandmother did manage to find out for me recently that the long acting injection he is on is Haldol. It seems they have taken him off the Olanzapine and lowered his Lithium. He isn't fairing so well from what I have been told. Audio, visual and tactile hallucinations. Personally I think he is using marijuana however I seem to be the only one willing to acknowledge that. He is drinking alcohol of course whenever he gets the chance.

I'm off... Have some things to do before I start work.

Mom/Grandma
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

What Does Society Teach? A Budget and Peppermint Oil.

The last couple of days I have been literally aching from head to toe as I have been hit with a cold. I haven't been working either as I have been doing my best to keep any talking to a bare minimum. Talking equals coughing. I have however discovered a wonderful cure to sinus congestion in peppermint oil. Knock on wood :). For the first time in my life-time of colds I have not had to deal with a runny nose or sinus congestion for longer then 5-10 minutes. As soon as it starts I put a dab on my finger and rub it in all around my nose and sinuses.

Dealing with my sore throat has not been so easy however I have been trying to be as pro-active as I can be. Lots of tea with honey, lemon and turmeric. Advil for my low grade fever and body aches. I was hoping to get back to work today however I'm having my doubts that will happen.

I may have to make a decision soon about work. I haven't been paid in over a month. Hubby and I were discussing a budget the other day so I took the time to write out how much we owe and how much our minimum monthly expenses are. We owe $43000. Our monthly expenses run around $5000. Add in extras like car maintenance, chiro or even us going out for dinner...

I don't even mind so much that I haven't been paid in a bit as I knew going in that this could happen. Still I can't let my boss get too far in dept with me either. It's dealing with some of the frustrations that make it not worth it. I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons of what I'm getting to what I could be getting. Yes I'm working from home and it's pretty cool to be doing that. I wanted to be able to continue to provide a certain level of care to my home and husband. Most importantly making good healthy dinners and spending our evenings together.

The last schedule change that my boss wanted... He wants me to work somewhere in the neighborhood of 9 am - 10:30 am, 11:30 am - 2 pm then 4 pm - 7:30 pm Mon-Thurs. Umm not! Plus it's a 6 days a week job. For the most part I don't mind as my husband usually works 6 days a week. Still I have dedicated most of my live to a job before and I'm not doing it again.

The pros... I get to work from home. What I've started to call my morning shift ;) I sometimes do in my PJ's. I can bake bread in between making calls. No one is micromanaging me.

The cons... I can work outside the home for less days with a more secure payment schedule.

I'm refusing to work past 6:30 pm. The other day I logged in and booked an appointment that had been confirmed through email. Through a pounding headache, tear filled stinging eyes with my body aching; I was trying to be responsible and keep an eye on my email... I booked an appointment without cc'ing someone that needs to be cc'd. Will I made a critical error... Why yes I did. I worked when I shouldn't have been working. I haven't logged in since. Things like this may be easier to take when your actually getting paid and not having to deal with the BS of someone not giving you the tools or knowledge to do your job properly.

Yes I know: The grass isn't greener on the other side... I think I take back most of the bitching I did about my old job. Every company has it's BS.

My son:

I found out on Friday that he was taking a bus to British Columbia on Sunday. Ontario to British Columbia is a 3 day bus ride.

2 weeks ago I had attended a group through the Schizophrenia Society and spoke to some of the others about how to go about getting my son admitted to hospital through court order. As usual it was a frustrating experience as everyone kept telling me that the hospital etc should have been telling me what to do. Well they weren't even with me asking for guidance. That included the PACT team. So even though I figured I had a bit of a fight ahead of me I still wanted to look into it.

I had been under the impression that my son was taking some medications as his nurse had told me that according to a worker at the shelter he was taking some. I knew that he wasn't taking care of his personal hygiene as I was helping with that when I saw him. I would get him to change his cloths and I would use wipes to clean his pits and face. Once I even took in Q-tips and had him clean his ears. Of course I had to do all this in the car since "Clients were not allowed to receive visitors".

Friday my son says to me: By the way I need to come and get my stuff because I'm going to Nanna's tomorrow. Both my husband and myself worked Friday and Saturday. Saturday I packed up what stuff he had here and took it to him. He asked if he could come home for the night and I agreed. I went into the shelter to collect his stuff and he had taken most of his cloths and electronics with him. There was nothing to collect and he was even wearing someone else's cloths and shoes.

I had thought that maybe my son and I could spend the evening together watching TV. It was after 9 by the time we got home. The first thing I had him do was put on some of his own cloths to find out that the shower he was supposed to have taken several days before wasn't obviously a good shower. He still smelled really bad. His hair and nails had been cut by his nurse from PACT. How he missed how bad my son smelled, I don't know.

I knew that my son's addiction had progressed from alcohol and marijuana to possibly cocaine and morphine. At one point I had brought one of his leather jackets home to try and clean and deodorize it but I had to throw it out. In the lining I found a baggy of white stuff. He thought he was buying cocaine. I think he got aspirin and bath salts. He did on one occasion tell me of a really nice guy that introduced him to morphine, he even had clean needles.

So many times I have fought the urge to bring him home. Canadian Thanksgiving I almost did. That morning I was going to... Then I thought it all through. To what end? I have no control over his money and therefor his ability to drink and use. When he drinks he becomes completely unmanageable in the home and puts everyone at physical risk. It would be 2 weeks of withdrawal, attitude and hopefully him just starting to get even on medications again before he got in another $600 from disability. And around it goes again. That's providing I could even keep him in the home that long.

Within 15 minutes of me bringing him home on Saturday he had spilled milk and juice all of the floor. By 10 he was outside in the back yard punching the walls. According to him he was doing art. I'm not sure either one of my neighbors that have young children were appreciating his form of art.

The fun part was when I decided to go through his backpack. The smell alone was enough to make me want to be sick. A couple of bottles of alcohol. One was almost full. My son not drink his alcohol! He was out of it to not remember that he had it. In the end I ended up tossing it and my husband went and got him a new one the next morning.

What else did I find? Lots of new needles in sterilized packaging along with Stericups... Sterilized cups for cooking your drugs in. Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for teaching addicts to be mindful of the transmission of diseases while they are shooting up. But seriously! Here's a new needle and cooking pot, don't forget to use an alcohol wipe first before you shot up with hands that are brown from nicotine and a months worth of build up body odor surrounding you. Come on! Really! I think they need to expand on these items to include a self-care manual with a toothbrush, toothpaste and at least some hand sanitizer and body wipes.

I didn't get to spend the evening with my son watching TV. I did get to spend until about 3 am with his voices. I have never seen them so bad. It was a constant dialogue between him and them. All you could hear was him whispering/talking to them under his breathe along with sporadic outbursts of laughter. Once I walked into the kitchen to him cocking and shooting a pretend gun.

He did take his medications when I gave them to him and finally they shut his voices up at around 3. Oh yes the medications I had been told he was taking. I picked up a months worth of unopened medications packages dating back to Sept 15.

I had been complacent again. After the last time his grandmother had said she wasn't taking him I thought I had some breathing room. I figured it was just a matter of time before he was admitted to hospital again. With that admission I was going to push for a reevaluation of his diagnoses since the PACT team was refusing my request. I would have also tried pushing for some sort of temporary decision making capabilities until I could further figure out how to get power of attorney through the mental health courts.

Sometimes I shake my head at myself because I really should know better. Everything was just too quiet. Whenever I asked my son if he was talking to his grandmother he would say not a lot. The PACT team stopped calling me. My son stopped asking to come home... Really that should have been enough for me to know. Hindsight is 20/20.

What bothers me the most is that I wasn't deemed worthy enough of so much as a phone call to say: Hey, I'm making arrangements for your son... I don't care what one wants to think of me personally. You can think I'm scum of the earth if you want to however the fact remains that I'm the one that carried him for 9 months and gave birth to him. The alone deserves a minimum amount of respect and consideration.

I wasn't deemed worthy enough of a phone call to say he made it there either. He did by the way.

I'm not sure how I feel about him being there. As I have been going through my own journey of letting go of things that I can't change, I know that I can't change or fix his addiction and therefor his mental health. I wasn't willing any longer to turn my home and world into circus to accommodate him. His grandmother is. Would I rather him be with her then where he was? Yes.

I don't think that it's going to have a good ending however I accept that this is what they both want.

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

A BS Interpreter needed. #9

I think I need one. A Bullshit Interpreter. Someone who can translate for me some of the BS...

What can I say. Sometimes dealing with 'professionals' can really get my dander up (piss me off).

Sunday Michael was involuntarily admitted to hospital. This would be his 9th involuntary admittance. It's the best place for him right now. I have seen him a couple of times. He is doing ok actually however he is actively hallucinating if you know the signs. Yesterday I got him into some clean cloths and had him put on some deodorant. I looked at the paper by his bed and he is on his second form until the 25th. He doesn't understand the reason: Serious bodily harm to oneself. As best I could I explained that when he isn't thinking clearly he is physically at risk of hurting himself. He said the problem was the sun, that is was damaging him...

Turns out I was right about the marijuana. He did admit to having some plus I found the pipe in his backpack. On Tuesday when we saw him, I asked him if I could have his backpack for a minute. He asked why and I said I wanted to snoop through it. Really I wanted it to clean out all the garbage but I thought it was cute when he handed it over. Whether he realizes it or not I take that as I sign that he does when it comes right down to it, trust me. It was over half full of garbage, a days worth of missed medications and of course his pipe. All went in the garbage.

I let him know that depending on what happens that I want to get power of attorney. He said that he would rather I didn't do that. I would rather not do it either however he keeps doing things that puts himself in these situations.

One nurse commented that she was shocked at the change in my son when he was around me. I guess he was pretty out of it before I visited. Yes my son can pull it together when he needs to. I think he wanted me to see how well he was doing so that I could get him smoking privileges. He did get them the next day.

When my son was first admitted and his nurse called me, he spoke of a family meeting. I hadn't heard anything about one since that so I brought it up to his nurse last night. So far his nurses have been really nice. She told me to call in the morning so that I could get the doctor as that's when they do their rounds. If anyone has had to call a hospital for a loved one I'm sure you have heard some of these. If you call in the morning it's: We are in the middle of shift change, call back in an hour. You call back in an hour and it's various responses that pretty much end with: Call back tonight. You call at night and it's: Call in the morning when the doctor is here.

So this morning I thought ok let's wait until after 8 and shift change... I call and ask if the doctor has seen my son yet that I would like to talk to him. Her reply was: It's only 8:30. Yes I was told to call in the morning, what time does the doctor normally get there to do his rounds? Before 10 and that I should call back in a couple of hours.

Hello BS Interpreter. I really need your help here...

I did request that a note be left for his doctor to call me. She said she would 'put it on the board'.

I could also use a BS Interpreter for when I get quoted privacy laws. Have you ever asked anyone who is quoting them if they have ever read them? I have and the answer was no. Guess what? I have read them. One person at the shelter quoted them at me, with my son right beside me, telling me that she couldn't tell me if he was there or not. This topic deserves it's own post and eventually I will get around to writing a good one that I'm probably going to submit to the local newspapers.

I will say this though: To anyone who is going to quote me privacy laws. Please read them first because I have and all you appear to be doing to me is protecting your own right to do less work or even use a little common sense.

I hope everyone has an awesome weekend! I'm off to get my day started.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Not in a good mood.

I just got off the phone with Michael and his answer for not wanting to talk to me is that he is not in a good mood right now. No I guess not. He has not been in a good mood for awhile. The roller coaster ride of feeding your addiction then going through withdrawal is enough to put one in a bad mood. He may not be able to see that right now but for those of us on the outside looking in, shouldn't that be enough of a reason to push for addiction treatment instead of thinking that using in any amount is ok?

I called the shelter this morning to find out how he was doing. I have spoken about the lady from the shelter before that talks to me openly about my son. She seems to understand where I'm coming from and genuinely wants to help my son. She told me that she told PACT that his mother is tired, needs a break and she sees how I'm there for him and that I love him. I keep thinking I need to get her a box of chocolates or something.

He did have a shower and get cleaned up! She said I would have been proud to see him. The shelter didn't make this happen however she did push PACT to be pro-active and get more involved that my son needed them. If they didn't help the shelter would have to find somewhere else for him to go as he couldn't stay there like he was. So his nurse stepped in and helped him get cleaned up and do his laundry.

This is what needs to happen. This is why I try to step out of the picture if I can. So that my son can start to learn to lean on, trust and interact with his treatment team. As well-meaning as even my own intentions are, my love or want to help, can interfere with my son seeking the right kind of support.

When I got my son's cigarettes, we kept one carton in the car so that he wouldn't go through them too quickly. He wants the other carton now so I will get hubby to drop them off on the way home tonight and he also wants a coffee ;). Michael asked if we could take him out for dinner or something. Tomorrow is my day off and hopefully if hubby isn't working then maybe I will see about putting a picnic together and spending some time at a park. I know my son likes that as does hubby.

I think he is back taking at least some of his medications. He said he forgot last night so I told him to go ask for them once he got off the phone.

I will leave it at that for today...

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Why yes, I'm ecstatic!

Sarcasm!

Forewarned this post may be a bit if a rant.

I saw my son yesterday. He's a mess. He has obviously been in the same cloths for a long time. He hasn't showered or even washed that I can tell. He hasn't been taking his medications. I'm pretty sure he has been smoking marijuana.

Hubby and I picked him up to take him and get cigarettes. First we had to go to the bank so that I could transfer him his $314 that I owed him from disability. The whole time we were with him he was clenching his fist with all of his strength. I knew when I saw this that he wasn't taking his medications. At one point hubby said he asked my son why he was doing this and my son replied that he was trying to make his body work right. His brain isn't working right so his body isn't going to. He ended up giving me his bank card so that I could buy the smokes for him because he couldn't 'catch his breath' to get out of the car and do it himself.

I told my son that once we got back to the shelter I was going to go in with him so he could get his medications and put on some clean cloths. He said ok. As soon as we walked in to the shelter... Hello ODD. His defiance came out of nowhere. He didn't want his medications. One of the staff said they have been talking to him about showering etc however he 'bolts' or leaves the shelter.

Hubby and I have been talking about what to do. So far we haven't come up with any solid answers. I try not to get pissy with him when he asks me what I'm going to do. But seriously, if I had the answers I would be doing it. I don't have them... I don't know what to do.

I know how much I wanted to grab my son's stuff and bring him home.

Here's the catch. I'm a recovered addict. If I want to stay a recovered addict then one thing that I need to be able to do is think things through to the end. One of the problems with being an addict is that the mind only wants to see the good parts of using. Not the negative consequences and as long as one can keep blocking out those memories then one can keep pretending that using is ok.

I forget the exact wording of what was said during an ADAPT meeting but something along the lines of: An addict will not change until the pain of using is worse then the pain of not using.

I can bring him home. He has over $300 in his bank account. He is unstable and defiant. He believes he should be able to smoke and drink in his room. It doesn't take a genius to figure out where that scenario is most likely going.

I had already said to my husband that I need to bring him home if I can put some things in place. Before I left I tried to talk to my son. I wasn't expecting it to be an in-depth conversation considering his mental state. I got worse then I was expecting. I went to crouch/sit beside him and he got mad and told me to stand up and talk to him. I don't know why he gets like this with me. I mean the not wanting me to talk to him on his level. It just goes against everything that I have read on how to talk to someone experiencing psychosis. Especially since he gets so defiant with me being the main disciplinary. Yet he still gets mad, doesn't want me on his level and wants me to take the authoritative stance. The only thing I can reason is that somewhere in his head is a recognition that he actually needs someone to take on the role of authority for him. But then his ODD gets in the way...

I asked him if he remembered talking to his Nana about not going out there. Yes. I told him that I want to take him home however I can't if he has control over his money to buy alcohol because alcohol is killing him. I want power of attorney. He refused.

A couple of days ago I received a message from his grandmother stating that she had told him no to him coming there and she hoped that made everyone happy. Needless to say I didn't respond. The sarcastic side of me wanted to answer with: Why yes, I'm ecstatic. Thank you! I figured not answering was the better option.

My daughter calls to find out if I got the message and to include the side-note that obviously Nana didn't really mean it and that she would step in and take him if she felt it was necessary.

As far as I know that plans are/were to have my son go directly into a shelter out there. So switching one shelter for another? Then I guess work on getting him into his own place since this is what he wants. Well it's what he says he wants. He knows full well that once he gets there he can say no to any form of assisted living and that if he does that then he will end up with Nana. The ideal situation for him. He doesn't have to care about anyone except himself. He doesn't have to try to be sober and stable. To be blunt, he doesn't have to try period. He will get his pat on the head while someone else cleans up after him and protects him from himself.

The rant. Can you see my son living on his own?! He can't even keep himself stable when he is living somewhere that is feeding him and providing him with basic amenities. Yet that is what him and his grandmother seem to be concocting between the two of them. Unless he is telling her that he will go into a group home out there. If that is the case and it is being believed I can only shake my head some more.

My son, in my opinion, needs several basic things. Mainly he needs long-term treatment for addiction. By long-term I'm thinking 3-6 months to start. He needs help from non-family, so he can't use and manipulate them, to help him become stable, stay stable and learn to mature and grow up. Until he gets these things. Everything else is just prolonging everyone's suffering, including and especially his own.

My son isn't stupid by no means. When I had the police take him, one of them went with him to his room to collect his things. My son was very drunk. Not as drunk as I thought. He made sure to disconnect, unplug and turn off the laptop so that I couldn't have access to it. Before leaving he wanted my phone to call his Nana. I know some may think: Well yes she is the one he knows will support him. Hmm. The one that will support him or enable him. There is a big difference.

Honestly he has support coming out his.... ;) Agencies and people just waiting for him to give the go ahead and they will be right there. PACT has peer support, group support and vocational (job) support. ADAPT has addiction support. Applications have been started for housing. He has an open file at the YMCA for free schooling at his own pace. My son is 21 and says no thank you...

He also has me and my husband. Apparently I expect too much. Expecting Michael to follow basic rules that a 5 year old can follow, clean up after himself, treat me with respect, not be violent, try to be medication compliant and engage is addiction services is apparently too  much for him. How do you respond to that? Seriously if he is that bad off then he really should be in the hospital with 24/7 care not traipsing on a plane across the country!

Where we are at now is not new. He has been here before. He has played the system, played and manipulated emotions until he got what he wanted. Freedom from responsibility, stability or sobriety.

Do you think he doesn't know that if he doesn't participate in recovery plans here that in time he will get what he wants? Of course he does. Like I said he isn't stupid.

Something I had too look at and acknowledge was/is that his masturbation episodes are tied into his alcohol use and not his schizophrenia so yes it is more behavioral. I didn't know until I found out about him calling dial-a-bottle that he was during the time of his masturbating frequently and in public, drinking almost a bottle of alcohol a day. I also found out that one of the ladies at the shelter caught him doing this in public and had to talk to him about it. I didn't tell her that I knew that he had purchased a bottle of alcohol since being there. Just like I didn't tell them that I'm pretty sure he probably has marijuana on him. Maybe that is why he bolts when expected to shower and change cloths? He keeps his jacket on and close to him when he is hiding stuff.

There is also the distinct possibility that if he gets himself kicked out of there then in steps his safety net. I may not be actively stopping this from happening however I'm certainly not going to help it happen.

Of all the blogs that I read. Jagged Little Edges is without a doubt one of my favorites. Lorelie doesn't hold any punches on what addiction is and the truth of it's ugliness is spelled out in black and white. Lorelie's last blog post: Loving An Addict Means Saying No.

A lot of Lorelie's posts are also highlighted on: Addiction Campuses

I know there are a lot of families who struggle with concurrent disorders of addiction and mental illness. I only speak for what I see with my son. He doesn't use to self-medicate symptoms. He uses/drinks to feed/satisfy his addictions. It's doing this that triggers his schizophrenia and causes the rebound affect. Also my son doesn't want to medication his symptoms. He very much enjoys his psychosis when he is in it. Probably another reason why he didn't want to take his medications yesterday. Why mess with his high? I have been around addiction enough to recognize that mind-set. I have been there. Don't eat too much before doing this drug or you will lessen the high...

I did tell the lady at the shelter that my son was psychotic and needed his medications so hopefully they were a little more attentive last night about 'reminding him' to take them. It's not a part of their duties and they get busy. Not sure I buy that. The other shelter had less staff and they did more. They followed up on medications. They searched more for drugs etc. being brought in. I know because I watched them do it. Too bad it was in such a horrible neighborhood. I have yet to see this shelter search anyone including my son. The lady asked what the signs were of my son's psychosis. To me it's obvious but I'm mom and have looked at his face for signs for years now. I asked if she knew what high looks like? What extreme exhaustion looks like? Combine them and you have my son's current face. Again I left out that he was most likely high... Really in the end it was the psychosis I'm trying to nip in the butt before something negative happens and high or not high he would still look pretty much the same from psychosis.

My appointment with ADAPT last week got rescheduled to the 18th of August. Today is a civic holiday here in Ontario, Canada so I'm not working! Hubby is :(. My work schedule has changed. Now I'm 12-6:30 Mon-Fri and I think 10:30-2 on Sunday. So 6 days a week and more hours. I may see if I can switch from Sunday to Saturday as Sunday is the one day I can pretty much count on hubby not working. The hours are being split between me and another lady. I got paid! I needed it to help cover rent due to what I had to give to Michael. I got my hair cut yesterday. Pretty short. I guess it's a bob? shorter at the back and long around the face. It feels good. I haven't had a cigarette in 6 weeks! I'm not sure how long it's been for hubby. I think 3 weeks. My homemade protein bars were a hit. We both like them. Have to make more today. I may even get back on my stepper today and do some exercise.

The above things make me happy. Certainly not the situation that my son is in or the fact that I have to fight so hard to try and get him the treatment that he needs.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

If I could...

We all do it. Think of the what ifs... If I could go back in time...

Ironically as time passes I experience this less and less however sometimes like now, my mind still tries.

This blog post is most likely just me clearing my head. My counselling session got cancelled today and I think I was due for a talk so I'm coming here instead.

I was thinking this morning: If I could go back in time what would I change?

A long time ago I gave up wanting to go back and change my past addiction. I do regret that a lot of people got hurt along the way however that journey is now dear to me. A journey I will never let myself forget and has shaped me into who I am today. I'm proud of me and I'm ok with me, all my faults and good. I still get embarrassed to easily and I'm still self-conscious etc. but I have never been as sure of myself or as self-confident as I am today. I'm learning my limits and I'm ok with them.

The current what ifs start in 2011 when my son was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. If I could go back in time and make it so that he didn't develop schizophrenia. Better yet how about his ADHD. You know, I wouldn't. I was slightly bemused at my thoughts on this until I thought it through a little more. ADHD and schizophrenia and even addiction are part of who my son is. Just like ADHD is a part of who my hubby is. Menopause is a part of who I am. PTSD and separation anxiety are part of who my daughter is. I wouldn't change who they are today. I love them.

Now today we are basically where we were last September. Or even heading to where we could have been in 2012 before I brought my son home. I think: Maybe I shouldn't have taken him in 2012 and perhaps this would all be over now. Yes I know not a nice thought but it's my truth.

A quick overview: My son was diagnosed in 2011 while with his dad and paternal grandmother. He came to live with me in 2012 when things got to bad there. We did really good for a year or two. Seriously he was hospitalized once? I think whereas he averaged every 4-6 months before that. Last year in September things went south and he ended up with his grandmother. October had a bad break and I went to get him and bring him home again.

Now he is trying to buy a plane ticket back to his grandmother.

All the what ifs in the world can't change were we are right now.

So if I could go back and not have taken him in 2012 would I? I would do it again. If I hadn't and things ended then I would feel guilty for not being there as a parent and trying to help. Now I have been there and I have done everything that I feel is best for him and his future.

I do now feel like I have been the best parent that I can be to both of my children regardless of what the future holds for them or me.

This is going to sound harsh however I'm not going to apologize because this is my truth. As long as my son's grandmother is there to... hmm... do what she does, then I can't help my son. We just go in circles. He is not getting better and my resources, mental and physical, are getting used up. Except for my own personal growth there is nothing to show for it. I guess I shouldn't say that. I now know what he is capable of which is so much more. I have seen the brightness that is my son. I have watched him take steps to a future where he would be happy. Not psychotic addiction induced happy but true happiness where he was ok inside.

Now he is taking steps that in my opinion will only give everyone nothing but pain. You might ask how can I allow that to happen?

By letting go.

If I could change anything, I would not. I wouldn't take away my son's schizophrenia or even his addiction just as I wouldn't take away my own. My son's journey is his own as are those connected to him.

Am I saddened by it? Absolutely as I can't see any good coming from it and I'm sincerely hoping it doesn't end in news coverage (not sure if I'm being funny or sincere)... But I'm getting ahead of myself. He isn't on the plane yet.

When my son wants to be a part of my journey to a better life... Oh I hope it happens. Or I guess when I'm the only one left...

There is always hope, right?

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Third time's a charm?

As you know I quit smoking when I started using the nicotine patch a month ago. This is the third time I'm quitting smoking with the patch. I did succeed the other two times and was quit for 6 and 8 months each time. Quitting doesn't seem to be my issue. Now staying quit on the other hand ;).

This time... Just wow this hasn't been fun. The patches come in stages depending on how much you smoke. I already knew from past experience that starting with step 1 (21 mg patch) was too much nicotine for me. I also know to take the patch off before bed regardless of what the instructions say. I have always wondered what they are thinking. No one smokes in their sleep (unless you sleep walk) so why have nicotine coursing through your system when trying to quit and while sleeping. I wonder how many people don't even complete the program due to how bad the bad dreams are...

I start with step 2 (14 mg patch) and generally do each step a little longer since I cut out the first step. Step 2 is for less then 10 cigarettes a day. Nothing seems to take into consideration whether the person smokes lights, ultra-lights or in my case super-slims. Really skinny cigarettes.

By the end of last week even I was starting to get concerned. I came pretty close to heading to the hospital's emergency department over the weekend. Hubby came pretty close to taking me. There have been changes to several different things so I wasn't sure what was causing what or if it was all just bad timing of everything together.

I didn't get my Venlafaxine prescription renewed. Yes I know, not very smart of me. I did try however my doctor needs to see me first since I upped it from 37.5 to 75 mg. I'm still not sure if I want to get it renewed or not. I only wanted them for some short-term help until I was able to get started in counselling and hopefully get myself re-centered again. Sadly it seems that I may not be able to make it through a weekend without them though.

I got my menstrual cycle 2 weeks early. Yup fun! I'm already struggling to get enough iron so that I'm not anemic. Throw an extra period in there and I was expecting to feel light-headed. Also I had stopped taking one of my tinctures that I use to keep my menopausal symptoms in check and my cycles regular.

I haven't had a cigarette since June 20.

I think I was handling things not bad. Still by Friday I was getting concerned. I was so light-headed and nauseous. After years of cycle issues I'm used to being light-headed during my menstrual cycles. This however was over the top. Just sitting while I was working was hard as I was constantly on the verge of fainting. I wanted to vomit. I was cold sweats. I had started getting cold sweats at night too which I figured was the beginning of hot flashes again...

Thinking what I was experiencing was mostly cycle related and/or iron, then I doubled up on my iron supplement. Needless to say that didn't help since it wasn't the issue. Then there is the side affects of taking too much iron ;). I think that is evening itself out today though.

Holy cravings... Not for cigarettes. Salt and sugar. Banana splits, waffles, ice cream, whipped cream, syrup, potato chips and oh my gosh thirsty. I was experiencing an over-dose of nicotine. As a smoker and recovered addict I know what it feels like to smoke too much. This was... I don't ever want to experience that again.

This will be the 3rd day of no patch. Yesterday morning I put one on for about 45 minutes. The day before I had one on for maybe a couple of hours. I had to take them off. Within 20 minutes of putting them on I was dizzy, nauseous and my heart rate was going through the roof. It felt like I was running while sitting still. It was like I was on a serious high without the good parts. Breathing was a chore at times.

On a side note. Perhaps the experience can give me a little more insight into what my son can sometimes experience.

That's when I started putting it together. When I realized that I haven't physically craved a cigarette for a while now. I had gone days without wanting a Lozenge. There was so much nicotine in my system that even the habit itself wasn't making itself known.

I spoke to the pharmacist and he said it was a good thing that I was ready for step 3 (7 mg patch) so quickly. At least that was reassuring, I guess. Feeling like I needed to be in the ER wasn't.

Today I can feel it. I want a cigarette. I'm afraid to put on a patch though. I will see how I react to a lozenge first. I'm still light-headed. No where near where I was though. Thank goodness. I wake up feeling ok since I have gone all night with no nicotine and my system can start flushing it out. Caffeine... I'm noticing that drinking coffee is not helping as it's another stimulant that is triggering the nicotine affect.

All the physical stuff... It was the emotional or should I say IS the emotional that I'm struggling to get under control. Since I have never come off of antidepressants before and certainly not with all this other crap going on, I have no experience to compare it to. Yesterday I was to the point of, I don't know what. Hubby was 'helping' me with cleaning the floors. The way that ADHD, over-worried hubbies can help. By making everything worse :). I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle his ADHD thinking. I couldn't handle his attitude or inability to cope with me not being able to handle him. I hit him with a pillow. Trust me I wanted to do more... I wanted/needed him to stop. Just stop.

I'm a hormonal mess it seems. I have been on the verge of tears since yesterday morning. Now I think this is due to coming off the Venlafaxine. Not only do I want to cry at the sappy parts in movies, I want to cry at the thought of the sappy parts that I know are coming. Haha! Parts that I don't normally find sappy...

I'm back on my tinctures for menopause. I think my bleeding is finally stopping. Sorry guys... But honestly. Why can't our bodies just make a decision. Off or on. I don't even care which but 'spotting' is a complete joke.

Before I forget. A shout-out to my followers who have shown me support. I can't say how much I appreciate it. I don't have high expectations when it comes to family or anyone's ability to care... I will just leave that there. I blog and share because it helps me and hopefully helps others to not feel alone. So when I end up not feeling alone because of my followers responses and support. Yup, I'm a hormonal mess! Thank you and I see you! (We watched Avatar last night)



I missed my son's call yesterday. Because of work I sometimes put my phone on vibrate. I have a new work number now but the people I have previously contacted have my personal number. So I didn't know that he had called until last night.

I did see him on Friday. Hubby and I dropped him off a carton of smokes that he was supposed to call me and learn how to transfer me the money for them. Yes I know... I really wasn't expecting that to happen. I butted heads with privacy laws again. We can't tell you if he is here... We can't help you because we love to quote privacy laws instead of using common sense... Honestly I found myself insisting that there is a release that can be signed and that I'm pretty sure privacy laws haven't changed in the past 6 months. I had to insist because for whatever reason they didn't want to be bothered to reach over and grab a piece of paper that apparently didn't exist until I insisted. Then magically it appeared and my son was able to sign a release that let them acknowledge that he existed there when I called or showed up to drop off things he requested.

Sorry... It's just such a bullshit system and it doesn't help anyone. They certainly weren't helping my son. So who were they helping? Good question!

My son had called wanting smokes and some other items. Honestly I think he just wanted to come home and see if the alcohol was still here. He wanted some cloths. I checked his room and he took the cloths that he likes to wear. He already had tons of socks and underwear. His favorite shirts. Shorts and several pairs of pants. I did take him his favorite hoodie and some other things like chargers and his ipod etc.

Since the shelter pulled their privacy crap we couldn't even wait on the shelter's property to see if my son was going to come out for a smoke. They wouldn't take the items we brought. So we sat in the car for like 45 minutes, on the street. Then we drove to the closest mini-mart since I knew my son was buying cigarettes. I guess he saw us at some point so just as I figured was going to happen. He called me as we were getting back on the highway heading home. We turned around... I went inside with him to make sure the release was signed.

I asked him if he was taking his pills and he said yes. I asked him what he was doing. Just sitting outside smoking. So I clarified that I meant in the future. What are his plans. Well he doesn't want to have a place on his own out here in Ontario. He doesn't want to have a place on his own anywhere. The difference is that here with me being an addict/alcoholic isn't easy. In British Columbia it will be easy as who is going to try and stop him from throwing his life away? He knows that talk about him getting his own place out there is just that, talk. He has no intentions of doing it. He can't see past his addiction right now. And I seem to be the only one who thinks he is capable of doing that.

According to him he plans on buying a ticket with his disability payment. $98 isn't going to buy him a plane ticket. I'm certainly not helping him throw his life away. I told him again that he needs to go into rehab. He needs to be in a long-term treatment facility to help him. At least here that option is a distinct possibility and could happen rather quickly if he would take that step.

It's all second guessing on my part since I haven't heard from anyone on what their plans or intentions are.

I won't say how I know however I do know that he went to the liquor store on Friday for a bottle. I'm guessing he hasn't gotten caught or drank it all to make sure he didn't get caught. Alcohol... harmless right? Let him have it, right? *shakes head*

For now it's one day a time.

I do plan on making a doctor's appointment for myself and getting some blood work done. I want to make sure that the weight I have lost isn't as bad as everyone else seems to think it is. They may be right. I noticed on the weekend that I felt my ribs. I don't think I have been this thin since I was addicted so I should follow up and make sure it's nothing serious. I have been trying hard I guess to not acknowledge that there could be something wrong. The thought of me not being capable of taking care of things... It's a scary thought.

I'm off to play my Facebook games before work. I hope everyone had a good weekend and *finger's crossed* and a good week.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Ashes! Ashes! We all fall down.

I don't have a lot of time before I start work however I felt like doing a quick blog post.

I think I have referenced the above nursery rhyme before. Sadly it's one of those cycles that we/I seem to keep getting caught in. I keep saying that I don't want to play this game anymore. It seems the only way I can make that happen is to quite literally remove myself or as I did on Wednesday, remove my son.

He did end up going to the liquor store and got 4 bottles of alcohol. A nice variety: vodka, southern comfort, fireball whiskey and sour puss liquor. I had no idea. I began to get an idea however when I asked him to clean up his mess in the kitchen and got threatened with being hit and he tossed his candy all over the kitchen counter and floor. A little while later I looked into the back yard and he was lying there with an almost empty bottle of sour suss beside him. That got tossed right away. He didn't seem concerned about it. Why would he be? He had 3 more bottles to go.

I sat at my desk and asked myself if I was prepared and willing to do what I wanted to do next. Yes. I called the police. Like I explained to the lady on the phone, I really didn't feel like I had many, if any, options left. At the rate he was going there was a big chance I would be calling the police soon if not that day anyways and the outcome probably wouldn't have been very pretty.

They attended. One of them was periodically an idiot in my opinion. When I told him that there was open alcohol stashed on the grounds he didn't seem that interested in doing anything about it. Or should I say motivated to actually walk his ass anywhere to find it. There was kids around playing. I let him know that if a kid got into it then it was on his head. I still don't get how it's not his job to enforce the law of no open alcohol in public or drinking in public. But hey...

My son at this point was quit intoxicated which was very clear by his face and speech. After I removed the sour puss, I'm guessing he went for the vodka since I still haven't found that bottle. He insisted on lying to me and the police when asked about the alcohol. By the way, I have the liquor store receipt from that morning which I found stashed behind his TV stand.

I stood there, looking at the officers, managing to hold my cool and my emotions, while they asked me what it is that I wanted them to do. Did I want him removed from the home. Since he wasn't at that moment being violent... Gotta love the system! Can't prevent violence only get involved once it happens. Call them back if he does get violent with me.

Of course my son is saying there is no more alcohol which was a lie. He is saying he is done drinking for now. I'm standing there... Thinking to myself I have done what I can do. I have asked anyone that I could think of to ask for advise on what I was supposed to do and handle this type of situation. It was up to me if I wanted to call in the police. Well I took that step and I stood behind it. I asked them to remove him from the home.

They did. I do believe he got charged a fine of some sort for being intoxicated in public then he was released to the shelter once he was sober enough I guess for them to accept him.

Now it's Friday and I have heard from him a couple of times. Asking for a ride to get smokes since he didn't want to spend all of his money on expensive cigarettes. Asking for money for a plane ticket back out to British Columbia. And of course there is the fact that I will owe him money at the end of the month when I receive the room and board portion of his disability payment.

Money, money, money...

I haven't heard from anyone else which tells me a lot. Having been through this as many times as I have been, the quieter it is and the less I'm hearing from people, pretty much tells me what I need to know.

My daughter called me on Wednesday asking what happened. I love her dearly but she can be pretty transparent. She has this way of asking... It's not her asking. I try really hard not to react because none of this is on her. Still it's hard when she wants to get in the middle when she has no idea what is going on or what I have been dealing with. She asked if I was prepared for him going back out there and commented that she guessed she was going to have to get another job. Isn't it awesome that an 19 year old is going to try to financially help take on the responsibility of 2 adults that are older then her.

My only response is for them to do whatever they feel is necessary. Please don't call me for money. I just sent her money because she said she didn't have money for personal hygiene products and cigarettes until pay day. It looks like I have some more boundary setting ahead of me.

Yesterday I had a shower that I actually enjoyed. I didn't even realize until I was in the shower that it's been months since I had a shower and relaxed in it. Always having my guard up, my listening ears on and making sure my purse or anything else of consequence was hopefully in a safe place.

I cleaned up the back yard. I have been avoiding it because my son has been treating it like a garbage can and I was constantly picking up garbage and cleaning up spit etc.

I have been going to bed and leaving my purse in the living room.

There is a part of me that is honestly reveling in the freedom of being able to enjoy and relax in my own home. I can breathe. Hubby and I can spend time in the living room together. We have been going to bed right after dinner lately because it was easier. I can work without worrying about paying attention to what my son was doing or having to stop to clean up his vomit or making sure he wasn't masturbating again out front. What can I say... Yes it feels good.

The mom in me however is make no mistake about it, heart-broken.

I just don't want to fall down anymore.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I'm alright.

Two blog posts in one week. Don't you feel lucky? ;)

I was talking to my son's case worker at PACT this morning and she asked me if I was alright then commented that I sound stronger then I ever have. Yes I am alright. As matter of fact I'm good for the first time in a long time.

I had my counselling session yesterday with ADAPT. We discussed my job and how I'm handling and balancing everything with my not smoking, my son, my hubby etc. I'm adjusting and settling into a good routine.

My son is a different story. He isn't adjusting. He isn't anything except digging himself deeper into alcohol and therefor schizophrenia.

I found out Monday morning that he had called dial-a-bottle to deliver his alcohol. He did this last Thursday. So he was drinking alcohol in his room, hiding it from me, knowing that I had no clue because he hadn't gone anywhere on his bike. He got 3 bottles, which was gone by Monday morning. He also tried to call them early Monday morning.

He no longer has cell phone service. It's his phone but the service I was paying for. He came to me asking for it back that he wanted to call his Nana. I offered him my phone that he can use that whenever he wants. Did he want my phone to call her? His answer was no. Of course not. He really didn't want it for that reason. He wanted it back to call dial-a-bottle.

I'm not sure why he hasn't gone to the liquor store on his bike yet. He has had money since Monday. He received a direct deposit from the government for around $300. He also discovered money from them on Thursday that he didn't tell me about since it was used for alcohol that he was hiding from me. I'm questioning if the liquor store has refused to serve him. He says no.

I tried talking to him this morning about him going to an addiction treatment center. He doesn't have a problem and it's not impacting his life... The only problem is my problem. My problem is with all my house rules being broken and not being shown any respect.

I called his case worker to find out where his applications for housing are at.

As time goes by and reach new steps in acceptance than I'm more and more reaching a point where I have to acknowledge that I can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. The more I give the more I'm cushioning him from the consequences of his own actions.

However I guess what it really boils down to is where I'm at. I'm in counselling for myself. I have quit smoking. I am now working. Hubby just quit smoking too. He also started a new medication to help with some side affects from his other medications. We are trying to build a life. A good life. A healthy life.

I know my boundaries and I know what is good for me and what isn't. I keep letting them slip and get pushed aside because he is my son and I love him. As I act from a place of love, he acts from a place of addiction. Of self-centered I want and I should be able to have because I want...

Okay...

I'm ready for the next step. I'm ready to accept the consequences of the choices I want to make for my life because I want a better life and I deserve a better life. If my son wants the life that he is choosing then all I can say at this point is ok. Go and get it.

I thought I had more time to write this blog however someone regarding work called and now I have to start work in 10 minutes.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

A right of passage

Thought I would give a quick update...

Not a lot has changed over the past week. Getting more comfortable with the job and fitting myself into the schedule my boss wants me on. In my opinion the hours are... Well they are broken up throughout the day. Monday to Friday he wants 11:30 - 1, 4:30 - 6 then 8-10. Friday's 11:30 - 2 and Saturday's 9-1. The 8-10 shift is a no go for me. I'm not giving up what little time hubby and I have together during the week and once I get my son back on a sensible sleep schedule than 8 is our bedtime ;). There is also fact that I'm pretty sure calling after 9 PM is legally not a go. I don't get calling at 9 AM on a Saturday and not at 9 AM during the week when it's expected that people be up. Aside from that I'm booking appointments and have submitted my first invoice. So hopefully I will be seeing some money soon!

On July 6 my son's nurse was here for his weekly visit. Like I told his psychiatrist who was here the following day, I think I held it together pretty good. When I told his nurse about his excessive, not in private, out in public masturbating... His response was that since my son didn't have a girlfriend that masturbating was a right of passage and that him doing it out on the front veranda was behavioral. *pats self on back* for not losing it ;).

They drop of his medications every Friday in a blister pack (medications are in pop-out boxes for each day). Which I think is ridiculous and have told them several times it's not necessary but the PACT team insists on it. I guess they like it because when they visit they can see if patients/clients are taking their medications. Since my son doesn't get himself his meds, I do it, it's pointless. A waste of the pharmacists time and resources (and I think costs the government more money) and means every week someone has to come here on Friday instead of just giving me a months supply in a bottle. Anyways... Because I'm apparently not using the blister pack properly (haha) which means not starting the new pack on Friday when they bring it and instead using up the remainder of the previous blister pack, then his nurse couldn't understand what days medications he had missed. For clarification the blister packs have 7 days. Monday to Sunday. So I start a new one on Monday. Confusing right? His nurse thought so. So when I showed him that my son had missed taking his meds on Tuesday and Thursday, he decided that my son had missed 2 days in a row. Sometimes there is just no point in carrying on a conversation...

He did however set up an appointment for Michael's psychiatrist to come here the next day. I filled him. Let him know that even though I appreciate how his nurse is with Michael and that in that regard he is doing very good, that he doesn't take my concerns seriously or listen to me very well. His psychiatrist makes decisions based on the feedback from the other team members and when that feedback isn't relayed properly then I tend to get a bit upset. It's certainly not the first time I have dealt with this. His first nurse with PACT was bad for that too. She blamed almost everything on behavior. I asked his psychiatrist what to do when this happens. Call in and make an appointment with him.

We discussed medication options and decided to add back the Lithium. *shakes head* I have off and on been suggesting this since he was in the shelter in February. I asked for clarification on who I am thinking about my son's behaviors and if I was completely off track. It's a bit of both I guess. On one hand yes some things are behavioral and I can acknowledge that. Punching and kicking my door, behavioral. Insisting on smoking in his room, behavioral. Not knowing that it is inappropriate to masturbate in front of your mother or out in public because one can't see past the urge to do it, not so much. His psychiatrist agreed that this behavior is not normal even for him and he isn't doing it just to piss me off. The problem though is that upping medications will not necessarily correct this. Upping his Invega could cause the opposite affect of what we are looking for and make his negative symptoms worse. I can understand that. Adding the Lithium back should increase the effectiveness of his Invega and hopefully help with his negative symptoms. I think Lithium tends to act like an antidepressant with Michael whereas actual antidepressants do him no good. Why would they? In the bigger picture he is not depressed. He is experiencing negative symptoms which is different.

The Lithium was dropped off on Wednesday. Of course he missed his medications on Thursday due to alcohol. If anyone thinks that alcohol is harmless... Come see what I see. It's far from harmless for my son. It's keeping him unstable and robbing him of a future. Hopefully we have a 3 week break from it and I can work on getting him started on some sort of stability.

He has his days and nights mixed up again. I'm reminding him several times throughout the night to take his pills however he isn't taking them until morning and then sleeping. If it happens again tonight I think I may just let him miss them and try to start fresh tomorrow night.

As for the smoking in his room. It's a constant battle. Thursday night I found his whiskey bottle in his room. His psychiatrist agreed with me that Michael most likely has ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and sadly trying to discipline around and keep the appropriate boundaries is even more important due to the ODD. You let one slip and they all go. The mess he is making of his bedroom floor :(. They are shellacked and he throws his cigarettes on them when I walk into his room so I won't see it. Oh yes... According to him he is accidentally smoking in his room. Haha. Because you accidentally close your bedroom door, light an incense to cover up the smell and find something to use for an ashtray. Sometimes that is his garbage can with liquids thrown in it. I have removed his garbage can. He doesn't use it for actual garbage anyways. I have tapped a note to the top of the stairs that says 'no smoking, leave your smokes downstairs' and another one to his bedroom door. At least he can't pretend like he doesn't know the rule :).

The last day or so it's cigarettes... I have warned him and warned him that I'm quit and I'm not supplying him with cigarettes. He knew this when hubby took him to get cigarettes. He got 2 cartons which he now doesn't like. Where we go you can actually smoke in the store and you can try every kind of cigarette that they have to see if you like them. He tried them. I'm guessing he was more concerned with getting the cheaper ones so that he had money for alcohol. His choice. I also gave him the cigarettes that we had gotten for him from before which was another 4 packs. Yesterday he wanted me to buy him a couple of packs with the extra money he is giving me. He isn't giving me any money. Disability is sending me MY portion of his payments. I didn't respond to this comment at all. Then it was can he have a pack of hubby's. Hubby doesn't keep his cigarettes in the home anymore and he wasn't home yesterday. Kinda sad that we can't even keep our own things in our own home. Hubby is also quitting. We just got him patches too. So Michael I'm afraid is going to be shit out'a luck in the smoking department. The kicker though is that he does have cigarettes. He just doesn't like them.

So today is my day off! Yeah! I have to finish the laundry I started yesterday evening. I really need to clean the floors as Michael has spelt pretty much everything, everywhere. I need to wash his blankets too. Still haven't gotten him in the shower :(. He did have a bath on Monday night however that had more do with him liking being in the bathtub when he is drunk. God I hate alcohol!

I guess that wasn't a quick update after all. :)

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I have a job! I think... They are back!

It feels like forever since I last blogged and it's only been a week. What a week. I think for the first time in years I can say that I'm glad it's Sunday! So unless you're my daughter, my husband or an emergency, chances are I will not be answering my phone today.

Hubby has been teasing me because I'm usually the one commenting that we go to bed too early and since Wednesday I have been asking him to come to bed anytime after 7. My insomnia certainly hasn't been an issue lately. ;) I've been exhausted. A good exhausted though.

I was put in touch with someone regarding a work from home opportunity. On June 29 I received a call asking if I was available for training that night. Yes! The job itself is fairly easy. It's pre-screening callers to see if they qualify. I had heard the term inside sales before however I wasn't sure exactly what it meant. Now I know. Well at least from this company's perspective. There have been a couple of bumpy spots as I try to learn the system and what is expected of me. Still not completely sure of what is expected of me time wise but that's ok. I still have tons of questions that haven't been answered. Hopefully in time the answers will come. As I learn more about how it works the more confident I feel doing the work. The reason I say I think I have a job is because it hasn't really been confirmed. I guess we could call this my probationary period.

For the past week I have been mentally all in, trying to learn the ropes. I think I'm getting the hang of it pretty good. I know that I can be a little slow getting started. Ask my old bosses! ;) However once I have something, you can usually count on me to carry through and go the extra mile. Tell me what you need and I will do my best to accommodate. If you don't tell me... Well I will give you what I think you need and hope for the best. Which is what I'm currently doing.

So yes bed looks and feels really good now! It feels good to go to bed tired. A good tired. Not like when I go to bed exhausted from butting heads, with no end in sight, with schizophrenia, addiction and all it entails. That exhaustion is grueling and wearing on the soul.

I'm afraid I have nothing good to report on my son. His Invega still has not been upped. His case worker dropped off his weekly medication pack on Friday stating that his nurse has not been in so nothing has been done. Awesome!

Tuesday he got his disability money. Of course that meant a trip to the liquor store for vodka. Hubby did take him to buy cigarettes first. He got 2 cartons. One of them is almost gone. He has missed taking his medications twice. Once he argued with me that he had taken them, that I had given him his medications twice that night. Wednesday he wouldn't take them because of the alcohol he had drank. Saying it would make him sick. I don't know if he still has alcohol left. He bought two bottles and so far I have only seen one bottle in the garbage. He hasn't been out to his 'secret spot' that I'm aware of for the past two days. I don't know if it's because he has forgotten or just doesn't want to. Or the ever present possibility that he has snuck it into his room.

I did give him back the internet however I let him know that it's dependent on me finding out that he is smoking in his room or not. I think he is a little bit however not like he was. I know this because I'm hearing him come in and out all hours of the night.

Yesterday he stressed me out. I was working and he was sitting out front. Our front porch is part of one of the court yards where all the kids play and hang out. I happened to look out... Thank goodness he was wrapped in a blanket but what he was doing was obvious. I quickly went out and stopped or interrupted him and told him to get inside. Of course his answer was no that he was done now. Thankfully there was no kids out there when I went out. I'm really hoping that there wasn't before hand. :( Yes I freaked a little bit. But only a little bit. I let him know that that was not acceptable and that there are children playing and if a parent or child sees him doing that that they can call the police for doing indecent acts in public. I sincerely hope that no one else saw. Mental illness or not I don't think that having schizophrenia excuses that type of behavior and honestly I think his drinking is contributing to this behavior more then psychosis.

Speaking of that. Lately that is another thing that he has been trying to do. Blame schizophrenia. I have schizophrenia so it's not my fault that I'm smoking in my room. It's schizophrenia's fault that I kicked your bedroom door. Take me for a ride as it would really help my psychosis... Even he couldn't keep a straight face for long when I responded with: Good one.

It seems he kicked my bedroom door when I thought he punched it the second time. No memory lapses here. He remembers, just feels justified in doing it. Gucci our poor cat is now freaked out by him. She totally freaked when he did this. I have never seen her act like that. She hid behind the sofa for most of the night that night. Now even if she is relaxing on my bed with me and she hears him on the steps, she tenses and is ready to flee. She won't eat if he is around. I have noticed that she isn't sleeping with me the same. A couple of times I have found her sleeping on my chair downstairs which is new. Perhaps she feels trapped upstairs when he is up there.

The fruit flies are back! Yippee! I haven't been in my son's room much over the past week. After I cleaned it the last time I have pretty much avoided it. I know he is making a mess in there and honestly I just couldn't have cared a less. It seems pointless sometimes to even try and keep it neat or clean. I should have clued in after the last time. But no... I have been noticing them coming back and shaking my head as to why no matter how much I'm keeping the kitchen clean they are still there and in the living room. Last night Michael asked me to scratch his back so I went into his room and moved his garbage can. Yup you guessed it. Fruit flies.

I guess I have some caregiver chores to do today. Hubby had to work today so I'm just enjoying my quiet morning and my Facebook games. Once my son gets up I will 'try' to get him to help me clean his room. Even if that only means him holding the garbage bag ;). I still haven't gotten him in the shower so today is shower day for both of us since I need one too. I noticed my armpits... hmmm yeah. They  never smell. I guess I have been stressing while learning this job more then I thought.

Time for a fresh cup of coffee. Oh yeah. I'm still quit smoking! There was a couple of iffy moments over the past week where I really wanted one but I didn't. I think this job is helping some. It's not part of my routine to smoke while doing it which seems to be helping. Hours will pass where I don't even think about it. When the urge hits I do have nicotine lozenges.

I hope everyone here in Canada enjoyed their July 1st, Canada Day celebrations and that our neighbors to the south in the US enjoyed their July 4th, Independence Day celebrations.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I'm seemingly not living very well. The 4 C's and Acceptance

'I'm seemingly not living very well.' Is what my son said to me yesterday when I pointed out for the umpteenth time that the patio table was not an ashtray. No he is not functioning very well at the moment.

The fact that he recognizes that he isn't living/functioning very well, I think is a good thing.

I don't know if it's that I'm perhaps a bit fed up with schizophrenia or if it's that I have been going through a phase of acceptance. Both I guess. On one hand I don't seem to have the motivation to be blogging, tweeting etc about mental illness. I think I just needed a bit of a break from it on social media and honestly I'm staring it in the face 24/7 at the moment and that's enough for me right now.

To a certain extend I have always accepted schizophrenia however I'm not sure I accepted how little control I have over it. On Monday and Tuesday evening my hubby and I attended a group through ADAPT for caregiver's of concurrent disorders (addiction and mental illness). Yes I pointed out that according to the DSM that addiction is now considered to be a mental illness ;).

For the first time I am seeking help in dealing with or coping with what our family is going through. It feels good. The 3 C's came up with a twist and I really liked it. The 4 C's: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, I can't Cure it but I can learn to Cope. I have always accepted that I didn't cause it and even that I don't have very much control over it however I have still been trying to control it to the best of ability. That ever present hope that if I do enough then my son will go into remission and start to build a life for himself.

I still have that hope however I can't build his life for him. I can't cure his schizophrenia. I can't...

It's been just over 2 weeks since I took him off the Latuda and started the Olanzapine. It's felt like a long 2 weeks. I have to keep reminding myself that it's only been 2 weeks. If someone broke a limb no one would expect recovery in just 2 weeks. You are looking at months at least. Even with the common cold it can take up to 3 months for the cough to completely go away. Yet here I am thinking: It's been 2 weeks, why hasn't the medication fixed this yet? *face palm* I really do know better. It's just hard to watch and wait.

Something that has been on my mind lately is something I read in an article about asylums or better yet how we need long term facilities. We do. I remember reading that people going through crisis had a place to go and just be or adjust, taking all the time they needed. I wonder if my son needs time to just be and adjust. Time to learn and recognize his own schizophrenia.

Over the past couple of weeks I have been noticing things. When I ask my son if he is hallucinating I don't get the auto-response of no. Now it's I think so. He is learning to recognize that what he sees, I don't. One day I noticed that he was very clammy/sweaty and asked if he was having an episode and he answered with I think so.

So I'm thinking: If I jump in and up his medications is this the right thing? On the surface the answer may seem like a yes. I'm not so sure. Maybe he needs to be in a place where he is stable enough to be aware of what schizophrenia is doing to him so that he can learn or see what it is also keeping him from doing. Living!

He seemed to be slowly improving until Wednesday when he went to the library with part of a group through PACT. He came back a bit more symptomatic and that night didn't sleep well. Yesterday he was off again and I even caught him masturbating in the living room. Can't say I was impressed with that ;). I let him know that I didn't like it and asked him to not do that in the living room. He agreed...

I think the stress of going to the library was too much for him right now. For a bit I actually wondered if he smoked marijuana with someone however I didn't see the other signs and he wasn't relaxed at all so I'm ruling that out. When I told him that he needed to get ready to go he said he didn't want to.  I reminded him that he had told his case worker and nurse that he would go. I got him clean cloths and got his backpack ready for him. I didn't tell him that he had to go or that he could stay home. I let him know that if he found it too much that he could come home and that I think he should at least try that getting out may be good for him.

What struck me during the above conversation was like a flashback to when they are small and don't want to go to school. That's another twist that schizophrenia has thrown at us. He has been childlike for lack of a better word. Even my hubby has commented that sometimes when he answers me it's like he is a kid. Him not wanting to go to group was like a child not wanting to go to school. He went because even though I didn't tell him he had to, I didn't tell him couldn't and like a child he was in a way doing what he was told.

My main goal this last couple of weeks has just been to keep him on a good schedule for bed and spending time with him. I have been massaging and scratching his back whenever he asks which is 3-7 times a day. Sometimes at 6 in the morning... oi. It would be nice if it was after I had my coffee but oh well. When he asks, off I go. Every night I spend time with him, just cuddling/holding him. I was a little uncomfortable with this in the beginning however I have lightened up about it. When I first started massaging his back I could visibly see and feel him relax as I was doing it. I think it's been a good experience for both of us. It seems to be bringing us closer together. Hubby has been vacated to the smaller sofa while my son and I occupy the big one, while we watch our TV shows after dinner. Sometimes he puts his head in my lap. Yesterday I even got him to take 2 omega-3! The day before 2 multi-vitamins. I smiled when he walked away because I don't think he even realized what had happened. He stopped beside me while I was getting hubby and I our supplements, I handed him the multi-vitamins and he took them. :) Same with the omega-3. I offered him 2 and first he said no so I asked him to take just one and he decided to take both of them!

It's been a lot of going behind him and putting stuff away. Making sure things are turned off or reminding him that he has things turned on, like the deep fryer ;). I have been pointing all these things out to him however I have been doing it with a very loving tone. No judgments or being mad. Just letting him know that he isn't doing them. I think that is why he was able to say or see that he isn't living (functioning) very well. He knows that he hasn't been able to do these minor things.

I haven't been taking him out much. Realistically I think that even grocery shopping would take more energy then he has right now. I haven't told him that he can't come with us however I have stated that being clean needs to happen for him to come. Since he doesn't have it in him to really do this then he decides not to come. No worries he still gets his fair share of treats and usually McDonald's that we pick up for him on the way back.

With the hygiene thing... Again I have been pointing it out and again with a loving tone. Last weekend we got him new track-pants as he lost some weight and although the same size, they fit him better due to the style. That night I let him know he needed to get clean and put on clean cloths. He asked if he could not shower. I let him know that he didn't have to but I was going to clean him. He replied: You're going to clean me, ok let's do this... I washed his pits, neck, face and hands and had him put on all clean cloths. He even asked me to get him clean underwear. ;)

Slowly he seems to be becoming more aware of things like his own body odor. Baby steps right?

I'm in the middle of making flat bread as hubbies family is having a get together tomorrow. Not sure what to do about my son. Yesterday he was asking about the date and checking his bank account. Addiction... While he wants to come tomorrow, as soon as he realizes or remembers the date again... Take him with us when he will have triggered symptoms again or leave him home alone with no one making sure he isn't burning the house down ;)

I almost forgot. I finally booked camping! Next Saturday so that should hopefully give him something to look forward to.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.