A phrase I tend to use a lot is the proof is in the pudding... Basically it means talk is cheap. Make the pudding (do the action) then we will see if one is really capable of doing what they say they can do. Once the pudding is made... there is your proof.
This morning I found 3 empty bottles of alcohol in my son's backpack. Here in Canada we call them mickeys. 375ml bottles. 2 fireball whiskey and 1 captain morgan's rum.
I know that at least one of them if not two of them are new. Yesterday he went for a ride... To the liquor store obviously and drank at least a mickey last night.
I've noticed for a couple of weeks now that my son seems a bit off. Nothing major but it's there and I couldn't put my finger on what it was causing it. In the back of my head I was beginning to question if his medications were starting to stop working. Now I know why... He's binge drinking again.
My son has an addictive personality. He can't just have one... Once triggered he seems to go through phases of needing to drink. I'm usually prepared for it after his birthday or special occasions like Christmas.
I'm starting to have trouble sleeping again. Waking up every 1-2 hours. This morning it kinda clicked in my head. Before when my son lived with me this would be my sleep pattern. As any parent out there with mentally ill children know... There is no letting our guards down completely.
I'm grateful that he is still taking his medications. That's why I don't sleep... It's constantly waking up to check on him and try to 'nicely' remind/tell him to take his medications without of course triggering his defiance. Without his medications and with the drinking he is doing he can be a step away from a relapse. Sadly that is all that it takes.
He has been spending long periods again just lying there... On his back, arms crossed over his chest. I really don't like seeing it. It's how someone looks in a coffin. He's what I call in his own head space. Not a good spot for him to be in for any length of time.
Usually he is waking us up all night, in and out smoking. How much he smokes tends to go down as well when he isn't doing well. He hasn't been smoking as much at night as he usually does. He's not even smoking weed like he normally does now that I think about it.... When he's not using his main crutch (marijuana), that's a red flag.
Of all the things that my son goes through with his diagnoses, I would have to say that addiction is what I dislike the most. I think I hate alcohol. I only have to look around me and remember my own past to remind myself why I don't want it in my life, ever again.
I'm out of practice I guess... Not that there is anything I can do to change what is happening except pray that God take away his need for alcohol. Geesh... Everyone's need for it!
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2020. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Showing posts with label Smoking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Smoking. Show all posts
Thursday, March 12, 2020
Sunday, July 12, 2015
A right of passage
Thought I would give a quick update...
Not a lot has changed over the past week. Getting more comfortable with the job and fitting myself into the schedule my boss wants me on. In my opinion the hours are... Well they are broken up throughout the day. Monday to Friday he wants 11:30 - 1, 4:30 - 6 then 8-10. Friday's 11:30 - 2 and Saturday's 9-1. The 8-10 shift is a no go for me. I'm not giving up what little time hubby and I have together during the week and once I get my son back on a sensible sleep schedule than 8 is our bedtime ;). There is also fact that I'm pretty sure calling after 9 PM is legally not a go. I don't get calling at 9 AM on a Saturday and not at 9 AM during the week when it's expected that people be up. Aside from that I'm booking appointments and have submitted my first invoice. So hopefully I will be seeing some money soon!
On July 6 my son's nurse was here for his weekly visit. Like I told his psychiatrist who was here the following day, I think I held it together pretty good. When I told his nurse about his excessive, not in private, out in public masturbating... His response was that since my son didn't have a girlfriend that masturbating was a right of passage and that him doing it out on the front veranda was behavioral. *pats self on back* for not losing it ;).
They drop of his medications every Friday in a blister pack (medications are in pop-out boxes for each day). Which I think is ridiculous and have told them several times it's not necessary but the PACT team insists on it. I guess they like it because when they visit they can see if patients/clients are taking their medications. Since my son doesn't get himself his meds, I do it, it's pointless. A waste of the pharmacists time and resources (and I think costs the government more money) and means every week someone has to come here on Friday instead of just giving me a months supply in a bottle. Anyways... Because I'm apparently not using the blister pack properly (haha) which means not starting the new pack on Friday when they bring it and instead using up the remainder of the previous blister pack, then his nurse couldn't understand what days medications he had missed. For clarification the blister packs have 7 days. Monday to Sunday. So I start a new one on Monday. Confusing right? His nurse thought so. So when I showed him that my son had missed taking his meds on Tuesday and Thursday, he decided that my son had missed 2 days in a row. Sometimes there is just no point in carrying on a conversation...
He did however set up an appointment for Michael's psychiatrist to come here the next day. I filled him. Let him know that even though I appreciate how his nurse is with Michael and that in that regard he is doing very good, that he doesn't take my concerns seriously or listen to me very well. His psychiatrist makes decisions based on the feedback from the other team members and when that feedback isn't relayed properly then I tend to get a bit upset. It's certainly not the first time I have dealt with this. His first nurse with PACT was bad for that too. She blamed almost everything on behavior. I asked his psychiatrist what to do when this happens. Call in and make an appointment with him.
We discussed medication options and decided to add back the Lithium. *shakes head* I have off and on been suggesting this since he was in the shelter in February. I asked for clarification on who I am thinking about my son's behaviors and if I was completely off track. It's a bit of both I guess. On one hand yes some things are behavioral and I can acknowledge that. Punching and kicking my door, behavioral. Insisting on smoking in his room, behavioral. Not knowing that it is inappropriate to masturbate in front of your mother or out in public because one can't see past the urge to do it, not so much. His psychiatrist agreed that this behavior is not normal even for him and he isn't doing it just to piss me off. The problem though is that upping medications will not necessarily correct this. Upping his Invega could cause the opposite affect of what we are looking for and make his negative symptoms worse. I can understand that. Adding the Lithium back should increase the effectiveness of his Invega and hopefully help with his negative symptoms. I think Lithium tends to act like an antidepressant with Michael whereas actual antidepressants do him no good. Why would they? In the bigger picture he is not depressed. He is experiencing negative symptoms which is different.
The Lithium was dropped off on Wednesday. Of course he missed his medications on Thursday due to alcohol. If anyone thinks that alcohol is harmless... Come see what I see. It's far from harmless for my son. It's keeping him unstable and robbing him of a future. Hopefully we have a 3 week break from it and I can work on getting him started on some sort of stability.
He has his days and nights mixed up again. I'm reminding him several times throughout the night to take his pills however he isn't taking them until morning and then sleeping. If it happens again tonight I think I may just let him miss them and try to start fresh tomorrow night.
As for the smoking in his room. It's a constant battle. Thursday night I found his whiskey bottle in his room. His psychiatrist agreed with me that Michael most likely has ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and sadly trying to discipline around and keep the appropriate boundaries is even more important due to the ODD. You let one slip and they all go. The mess he is making of his bedroom floor :(. They are shellacked and he throws his cigarettes on them when I walk into his room so I won't see it. Oh yes... According to him he is accidentally smoking in his room. Haha. Because you accidentally close your bedroom door, light an incense to cover up the smell and find something to use for an ashtray. Sometimes that is his garbage can with liquids thrown in it. I have removed his garbage can. He doesn't use it for actual garbage anyways. I have tapped a note to the top of the stairs that says 'no smoking, leave your smokes downstairs' and another one to his bedroom door. At least he can't pretend like he doesn't know the rule :).
The last day or so it's cigarettes... I have warned him and warned him that I'm quit and I'm not supplying him with cigarettes. He knew this when hubby took him to get cigarettes. He got 2 cartons which he now doesn't like. Where we go you can actually smoke in the store and you can try every kind of cigarette that they have to see if you like them. He tried them. I'm guessing he was more concerned with getting the cheaper ones so that he had money for alcohol. His choice. I also gave him the cigarettes that we had gotten for him from before which was another 4 packs. Yesterday he wanted me to buy him a couple of packs with the extra money he is giving me. He isn't giving me any money. Disability is sending me MY portion of his payments. I didn't respond to this comment at all. Then it was can he have a pack of hubby's. Hubby doesn't keep his cigarettes in the home anymore and he wasn't home yesterday. Kinda sad that we can't even keep our own things in our own home. Hubby is also quitting. We just got him patches too. So Michael I'm afraid is going to be shit out'a luck in the smoking department. The kicker though is that he does have cigarettes. He just doesn't like them.
So today is my day off! Yeah! I have to finish the laundry I started yesterday evening. I really need to clean the floors as Michael has spelt pretty much everything, everywhere. I need to wash his blankets too. Still haven't gotten him in the shower :(. He did have a bath on Monday night however that had more do with him liking being in the bathtub when he is drunk. God I hate alcohol!
I guess that wasn't a quick update after all. :)
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Not a lot has changed over the past week. Getting more comfortable with the job and fitting myself into the schedule my boss wants me on. In my opinion the hours are... Well they are broken up throughout the day. Monday to Friday he wants 11:30 - 1, 4:30 - 6 then 8-10. Friday's 11:30 - 2 and Saturday's 9-1. The 8-10 shift is a no go for me. I'm not giving up what little time hubby and I have together during the week and once I get my son back on a sensible sleep schedule than 8 is our bedtime ;). There is also fact that I'm pretty sure calling after 9 PM is legally not a go. I don't get calling at 9 AM on a Saturday and not at 9 AM during the week when it's expected that people be up. Aside from that I'm booking appointments and have submitted my first invoice. So hopefully I will be seeing some money soon!
On July 6 my son's nurse was here for his weekly visit. Like I told his psychiatrist who was here the following day, I think I held it together pretty good. When I told his nurse about his excessive, not in private, out in public masturbating... His response was that since my son didn't have a girlfriend that masturbating was a right of passage and that him doing it out on the front veranda was behavioral. *pats self on back* for not losing it ;).
They drop of his medications every Friday in a blister pack (medications are in pop-out boxes for each day). Which I think is ridiculous and have told them several times it's not necessary but the PACT team insists on it. I guess they like it because when they visit they can see if patients/clients are taking their medications. Since my son doesn't get himself his meds, I do it, it's pointless. A waste of the pharmacists time and resources (and I think costs the government more money) and means every week someone has to come here on Friday instead of just giving me a months supply in a bottle. Anyways... Because I'm apparently not using the blister pack properly (haha) which means not starting the new pack on Friday when they bring it and instead using up the remainder of the previous blister pack, then his nurse couldn't understand what days medications he had missed. For clarification the blister packs have 7 days. Monday to Sunday. So I start a new one on Monday. Confusing right? His nurse thought so. So when I showed him that my son had missed taking his meds on Tuesday and Thursday, he decided that my son had missed 2 days in a row. Sometimes there is just no point in carrying on a conversation...
He did however set up an appointment for Michael's psychiatrist to come here the next day. I filled him. Let him know that even though I appreciate how his nurse is with Michael and that in that regard he is doing very good, that he doesn't take my concerns seriously or listen to me very well. His psychiatrist makes decisions based on the feedback from the other team members and when that feedback isn't relayed properly then I tend to get a bit upset. It's certainly not the first time I have dealt with this. His first nurse with PACT was bad for that too. She blamed almost everything on behavior. I asked his psychiatrist what to do when this happens. Call in and make an appointment with him.
We discussed medication options and decided to add back the Lithium. *shakes head* I have off and on been suggesting this since he was in the shelter in February. I asked for clarification on who I am thinking about my son's behaviors and if I was completely off track. It's a bit of both I guess. On one hand yes some things are behavioral and I can acknowledge that. Punching and kicking my door, behavioral. Insisting on smoking in his room, behavioral. Not knowing that it is inappropriate to masturbate in front of your mother or out in public because one can't see past the urge to do it, not so much. His psychiatrist agreed that this behavior is not normal even for him and he isn't doing it just to piss me off. The problem though is that upping medications will not necessarily correct this. Upping his Invega could cause the opposite affect of what we are looking for and make his negative symptoms worse. I can understand that. Adding the Lithium back should increase the effectiveness of his Invega and hopefully help with his negative symptoms. I think Lithium tends to act like an antidepressant with Michael whereas actual antidepressants do him no good. Why would they? In the bigger picture he is not depressed. He is experiencing negative symptoms which is different.
The Lithium was dropped off on Wednesday. Of course he missed his medications on Thursday due to alcohol. If anyone thinks that alcohol is harmless... Come see what I see. It's far from harmless for my son. It's keeping him unstable and robbing him of a future. Hopefully we have a 3 week break from it and I can work on getting him started on some sort of stability.
He has his days and nights mixed up again. I'm reminding him several times throughout the night to take his pills however he isn't taking them until morning and then sleeping. If it happens again tonight I think I may just let him miss them and try to start fresh tomorrow night.
As for the smoking in his room. It's a constant battle. Thursday night I found his whiskey bottle in his room. His psychiatrist agreed with me that Michael most likely has ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and sadly trying to discipline around and keep the appropriate boundaries is even more important due to the ODD. You let one slip and they all go. The mess he is making of his bedroom floor :(. They are shellacked and he throws his cigarettes on them when I walk into his room so I won't see it. Oh yes... According to him he is accidentally smoking in his room. Haha. Because you accidentally close your bedroom door, light an incense to cover up the smell and find something to use for an ashtray. Sometimes that is his garbage can with liquids thrown in it. I have removed his garbage can. He doesn't use it for actual garbage anyways. I have tapped a note to the top of the stairs that says 'no smoking, leave your smokes downstairs' and another one to his bedroom door. At least he can't pretend like he doesn't know the rule :).
The last day or so it's cigarettes... I have warned him and warned him that I'm quit and I'm not supplying him with cigarettes. He knew this when hubby took him to get cigarettes. He got 2 cartons which he now doesn't like. Where we go you can actually smoke in the store and you can try every kind of cigarette that they have to see if you like them. He tried them. I'm guessing he was more concerned with getting the cheaper ones so that he had money for alcohol. His choice. I also gave him the cigarettes that we had gotten for him from before which was another 4 packs. Yesterday he wanted me to buy him a couple of packs with the extra money he is giving me. He isn't giving me any money. Disability is sending me MY portion of his payments. I didn't respond to this comment at all. Then it was can he have a pack of hubby's. Hubby doesn't keep his cigarettes in the home anymore and he wasn't home yesterday. Kinda sad that we can't even keep our own things in our own home. Hubby is also quitting. We just got him patches too. So Michael I'm afraid is going to be shit out'a luck in the smoking department. The kicker though is that he does have cigarettes. He just doesn't like them.
So today is my day off! Yeah! I have to finish the laundry I started yesterday evening. I really need to clean the floors as Michael has spelt pretty much everything, everywhere. I need to wash his blankets too. Still haven't gotten him in the shower :(. He did have a bath on Monday night however that had more do with him liking being in the bathtub when he is drunk. God I hate alcohol!
I guess that wasn't a quick update after all. :)
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
I have a job! I think... They are back!
It feels like forever since I last blogged and it's only been a week. What a week. I think for the first time in years I can say that I'm glad it's Sunday! So unless you're my daughter, my husband or an emergency, chances are I will not be answering my phone today.
Hubby has been teasing me because I'm usually the one commenting that we go to bed too early and since Wednesday I have been asking him to come to bed anytime after 7. My insomnia certainly hasn't been an issue lately. ;) I've been exhausted. A good exhausted though.
I was put in touch with someone regarding a work from home opportunity. On June 29 I received a call asking if I was available for training that night. Yes! The job itself is fairly easy. It's pre-screening callers to see if they qualify. I had heard the term inside sales before however I wasn't sure exactly what it meant. Now I know. Well at least from this company's perspective. There have been a couple of bumpy spots as I try to learn the system and what is expected of me. Still not completely sure of what is expected of me time wise but that's ok. I still have tons of questions that haven't been answered. Hopefully in time the answers will come. As I learn more about how it works the more confident I feel doing the work. The reason I say I think I have a job is because it hasn't really been confirmed. I guess we could call this my probationary period.
For the past week I have been mentally all in, trying to learn the ropes. I think I'm getting the hang of it pretty good. I know that I can be a little slow getting started. Ask my old bosses! ;) However once I have something, you can usually count on me to carry through and go the extra mile. Tell me what you need and I will do my best to accommodate. If you don't tell me... Well I will give you what I think you need and hope for the best. Which is what I'm currently doing.
So yes bed looks and feels really good now! It feels good to go to bed tired. A good tired. Not like when I go to bed exhausted from butting heads, with no end in sight, with schizophrenia, addiction and all it entails. That exhaustion is grueling and wearing on the soul.
I'm afraid I have nothing good to report on my son. His Invega still has not been upped. His case worker dropped off his weekly medication pack on Friday stating that his nurse has not been in so nothing has been done. Awesome!
Tuesday he got his disability money. Of course that meant a trip to the liquor store for vodka. Hubby did take him to buy cigarettes first. He got 2 cartons. One of them is almost gone. He has missed taking his medications twice. Once he argued with me that he had taken them, that I had given him his medications twice that night. Wednesday he wouldn't take them because of the alcohol he had drank. Saying it would make him sick. I don't know if he still has alcohol left. He bought two bottles and so far I have only seen one bottle in the garbage. He hasn't been out to his 'secret spot' that I'm aware of for the past two days. I don't know if it's because he has forgotten or just doesn't want to. Or the ever present possibility that he has snuck it into his room.
I did give him back the internet however I let him know that it's dependent on me finding out that he is smoking in his room or not. I think he is a little bit however not like he was. I know this because I'm hearing him come in and out all hours of the night.
Yesterday he stressed me out. I was working and he was sitting out front. Our front porch is part of one of the court yards where all the kids play and hang out. I happened to look out... Thank goodness he was wrapped in a blanket but what he was doing was obvious. I quickly went out and stopped or interrupted him and told him to get inside. Of course his answer was no that he was done now. Thankfully there was no kids out there when I went out. I'm really hoping that there wasn't before hand. :( Yes I freaked a little bit. But only a little bit. I let him know that that was not acceptable and that there are children playing and if a parent or child sees him doing that that they can call the police for doing indecent acts in public. I sincerely hope that no one else saw. Mental illness or not I don't think that having schizophrenia excuses that type of behavior and honestly I think his drinking is contributing to this behavior more then psychosis.
Speaking of that. Lately that is another thing that he has been trying to do. Blame schizophrenia. I have schizophrenia so it's not my fault that I'm smoking in my room. It's schizophrenia's fault that I kicked your bedroom door. Take me for a ride as it would really help my psychosis... Even he couldn't keep a straight face for long when I responded with: Good one.
It seems he kicked my bedroom door when I thought he punched it the second time. No memory lapses here. He remembers, just feels justified in doing it. Gucci our poor cat is now freaked out by him. She totally freaked when he did this. I have never seen her act like that. She hid behind the sofa for most of the night that night. Now even if she is relaxing on my bed with me and she hears him on the steps, she tenses and is ready to flee. She won't eat if he is around. I have noticed that she isn't sleeping with me the same. A couple of times I have found her sleeping on my chair downstairs which is new. Perhaps she feels trapped upstairs when he is up there.
The fruit flies are back! Yippee! I haven't been in my son's room much over the past week. After I cleaned it the last time I have pretty much avoided it. I know he is making a mess in there and honestly I just couldn't have cared a less. It seems pointless sometimes to even try and keep it neat or clean. I should have clued in after the last time. But no... I have been noticing them coming back and shaking my head as to why no matter how much I'm keeping the kitchen clean they are still there and in the living room. Last night Michael asked me to scratch his back so I went into his room and moved his garbage can. Yup you guessed it. Fruit flies.
I guess I have some caregiver chores to do today. Hubby had to work today so I'm just enjoying my quiet morning and my Facebook games. Once my son gets up I will 'try' to get him to help me clean his room. Even if that only means him holding the garbage bag ;). I still haven't gotten him in the shower so today is shower day for both of us since I need one too. I noticed my armpits... hmmm yeah. They never smell. I guess I have been stressing while learning this job more then I thought.
Time for a fresh cup of coffee. Oh yeah. I'm still quit smoking! There was a couple of iffy moments over the past week where I really wanted one but I didn't. I think this job is helping some. It's not part of my routine to smoke while doing it which seems to be helping. Hours will pass where I don't even think about it. When the urge hits I do have nicotine lozenges.
I hope everyone here in Canada enjoyed their July 1st, Canada Day celebrations and that our neighbors to the south in the US enjoyed their July 4th, Independence Day celebrations.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Hubby has been teasing me because I'm usually the one commenting that we go to bed too early and since Wednesday I have been asking him to come to bed anytime after 7. My insomnia certainly hasn't been an issue lately. ;) I've been exhausted. A good exhausted though.
I was put in touch with someone regarding a work from home opportunity. On June 29 I received a call asking if I was available for training that night. Yes! The job itself is fairly easy. It's pre-screening callers to see if they qualify. I had heard the term inside sales before however I wasn't sure exactly what it meant. Now I know. Well at least from this company's perspective. There have been a couple of bumpy spots as I try to learn the system and what is expected of me. Still not completely sure of what is expected of me time wise but that's ok. I still have tons of questions that haven't been answered. Hopefully in time the answers will come. As I learn more about how it works the more confident I feel doing the work. The reason I say I think I have a job is because it hasn't really been confirmed. I guess we could call this my probationary period.
For the past week I have been mentally all in, trying to learn the ropes. I think I'm getting the hang of it pretty good. I know that I can be a little slow getting started. Ask my old bosses! ;) However once I have something, you can usually count on me to carry through and go the extra mile. Tell me what you need and I will do my best to accommodate. If you don't tell me... Well I will give you what I think you need and hope for the best. Which is what I'm currently doing.
So yes bed looks and feels really good now! It feels good to go to bed tired. A good tired. Not like when I go to bed exhausted from butting heads, with no end in sight, with schizophrenia, addiction and all it entails. That exhaustion is grueling and wearing on the soul.
I'm afraid I have nothing good to report on my son. His Invega still has not been upped. His case worker dropped off his weekly medication pack on Friday stating that his nurse has not been in so nothing has been done. Awesome!
Tuesday he got his disability money. Of course that meant a trip to the liquor store for vodka. Hubby did take him to buy cigarettes first. He got 2 cartons. One of them is almost gone. He has missed taking his medications twice. Once he argued with me that he had taken them, that I had given him his medications twice that night. Wednesday he wouldn't take them because of the alcohol he had drank. Saying it would make him sick. I don't know if he still has alcohol left. He bought two bottles and so far I have only seen one bottle in the garbage. He hasn't been out to his 'secret spot' that I'm aware of for the past two days. I don't know if it's because he has forgotten or just doesn't want to. Or the ever present possibility that he has snuck it into his room.
I did give him back the internet however I let him know that it's dependent on me finding out that he is smoking in his room or not. I think he is a little bit however not like he was. I know this because I'm hearing him come in and out all hours of the night.
Yesterday he stressed me out. I was working and he was sitting out front. Our front porch is part of one of the court yards where all the kids play and hang out. I happened to look out... Thank goodness he was wrapped in a blanket but what he was doing was obvious. I quickly went out and stopped or interrupted him and told him to get inside. Of course his answer was no that he was done now. Thankfully there was no kids out there when I went out. I'm really hoping that there wasn't before hand. :( Yes I freaked a little bit. But only a little bit. I let him know that that was not acceptable and that there are children playing and if a parent or child sees him doing that that they can call the police for doing indecent acts in public. I sincerely hope that no one else saw. Mental illness or not I don't think that having schizophrenia excuses that type of behavior and honestly I think his drinking is contributing to this behavior more then psychosis.
Speaking of that. Lately that is another thing that he has been trying to do. Blame schizophrenia. I have schizophrenia so it's not my fault that I'm smoking in my room. It's schizophrenia's fault that I kicked your bedroom door. Take me for a ride as it would really help my psychosis... Even he couldn't keep a straight face for long when I responded with: Good one.
It seems he kicked my bedroom door when I thought he punched it the second time. No memory lapses here. He remembers, just feels justified in doing it. Gucci our poor cat is now freaked out by him. She totally freaked when he did this. I have never seen her act like that. She hid behind the sofa for most of the night that night. Now even if she is relaxing on my bed with me and she hears him on the steps, she tenses and is ready to flee. She won't eat if he is around. I have noticed that she isn't sleeping with me the same. A couple of times I have found her sleeping on my chair downstairs which is new. Perhaps she feels trapped upstairs when he is up there.
The fruit flies are back! Yippee! I haven't been in my son's room much over the past week. After I cleaned it the last time I have pretty much avoided it. I know he is making a mess in there and honestly I just couldn't have cared a less. It seems pointless sometimes to even try and keep it neat or clean. I should have clued in after the last time. But no... I have been noticing them coming back and shaking my head as to why no matter how much I'm keeping the kitchen clean they are still there and in the living room. Last night Michael asked me to scratch his back so I went into his room and moved his garbage can. Yup you guessed it. Fruit flies.
I guess I have some caregiver chores to do today. Hubby had to work today so I'm just enjoying my quiet morning and my Facebook games. Once my son gets up I will 'try' to get him to help me clean his room. Even if that only means him holding the garbage bag ;). I still haven't gotten him in the shower so today is shower day for both of us since I need one too. I noticed my armpits... hmmm yeah. They never smell. I guess I have been stressing while learning this job more then I thought.
Time for a fresh cup of coffee. Oh yeah. I'm still quit smoking! There was a couple of iffy moments over the past week where I really wanted one but I didn't. I think this job is helping some. It's not part of my routine to smoke while doing it which seems to be helping. Hours will pass where I don't even think about it. When the urge hits I do have nicotine lozenges.
I hope everyone here in Canada enjoyed their July 1st, Canada Day celebrations and that our neighbors to the south in the US enjoyed their July 4th, Independence Day celebrations.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Excuse me while this snob cleans your room.
The last couple of days and certainly last night and this morning are not going to good. After my last blog post Michael did start taking his Olanzapine again so only missed the one night. The week ended and the weekend was quiet.
Monday when his nurse arrived I brought up that my son had agreed to try upping his Invega from 6 mg to 9 mg as we had discussed it and he agreed. Or so I thought... We had not discussed upping the Invega to replace him coming off the Olanzapine however that seems to be what his intentions were. His nurse said that he would discuss it with his treatment team.
Michael had also brought up to me wanting to try using vitamins. I cautioned him that this can work for some however not everyone and that for the people it do work for, they take lots of supplements sometimes several times a day. Also he needs to be on them for at least several months for the levels to build up in his system before even thinking about reducing medications to see if it will work. For one day he took all the supplements I gave him. The next day refused the Omega 3, a really important one if this is going to work, and nothing since that.
As of Tuesday things have been going down hill again.
I have no idea what prompted it however he didn't take his Invega or Olanzapine on Tuesday night and was up all night. I can't tell you exactly what he was up to other then some odd stuff.
In the middle of the night, one of the times that I got up to check on him, he was totally naked and acting guilty. I didn't really register this until I was back in bed. I reminded him about his pills and left it at that.
Wednesday morning he was lying on the sofa covered up with his blanket. I won't go into detail other then based on the sounds I was hearing and how he was lying... I'm pretty sure he was masturbating. Several times I 'interrupted' him and finally told him if he was going to keep doing it that he needed to go to his room. Off he went.
Later that morning I went into his room to clean as it was getting ridiculous in there. Even though I hadn't caught him again it was obvious he was smoking in there as there was more and more ashes and tobacco all over where he was putting them out on lord knows what since he had no ashtray. The first things I noticed was that he had sometime during the night grabbed the hammer and the knife sharpener. No I don't know why and he wouldn't tell me. I moved a box to clean and behind it was cigarette butts and his Olanzapine. So that is where he was stashing what he didn't want me to find.
I took the hammer, knife sharpener and Olanzapine downstairs and calmly asked him what he was doing with the hammer and knife sharpener. Like I said, he wouldn't tell. Just said the he thought he might need them for something. Then I asked him if we were back to him hiding his pills from me. His response was to tell me to stop being such a snob and that I had no right to yell at him or give him attitude for not taking his Olanzapine. One, I wasn't yelling and two, the point was that he hid them from me not that he didn't take them and three, he was still smoking in his room and lying to me about it.
I went back up to continue cleaning and vacuuming his room. Under his table I found his Invega. He says he didn't take them because he didn't sleep. They are no longer sedating for him so that is not logical. They do however slow his mind down so that he can sleep. Anyways this logic made sense to him :). I asked him for his cigarettes as they need to stay downstairs since I can't trust him. He handed them over then out of the blue told me dinner the night before was disgusting (it wasn't). No worries I won't be making dinner tonight... I got told to fuck off.
I let him know that he just lost his cigarettes (hubby bought them). A little while later I noticed that he was going outside and leaving the yard. Red flag. I went upstairs and checked and sure enough he had gone into my closet and grabbed a pack of smokes. I asked for them back... got called a bitch so I disconnected the internet.
We didn't talk much the rest of the day ;). Somewhat later he asked me what was for dinner. Before you think that he was psychotic or whatnot and didn't remember what had happened, he did. He was very much aware of what he said to me and it wasn't said spur of the moment. It was said on purpose. I told him whatever he made for himself. Hubby and I went out... He made himself noodles.
After we returned my son asked to talk. Stating it wasn't his fault that it was because he didn't take his pills and was up all night. If he took his pills that night could he have his cigarettes back. It wasn't my fault that he didn't take his pills either and I don't deserve to be talked to like that. I told him I wasn't going to negotiate with him about taking his pills. He needs to take them because he needs to take them and no he wasn't getting his cigarettes back that day.
He took his pills :), went to sleep early and as far as I know slept through the night. Yesterday morning I gave him a pack of cigarettes. We had a short conversation about what happened and he acknowledged that I didn't yell at him and that he guesses he needs to take his pills for now. My first thoughts were: Yeah, some insight. No... He was just saying what he thought I needed to hear.
At dinner time he asked for the internet back. I agreed however let him know that moving forward he was going to be losing it for longer for swearing at me so forewarned.
Last night he asked me to rub his back. He started talking about his Olanzapine being poison so he wouldn't take it. Took the Invega. Delusional talk about forcing his body to sweat was building up muscle and made up words stating that he had learned in chemistry in school. I did chemistry for three years and I don't recall that word. Well I went to school in Newfoundland and that place is... hmm I forget the word he used but not a nice one. For starters I also went to high school in Ontario and Newfoundland however surprising it may seem (Canadians will understand the reference) had a much harder curriculum. I told him that I thought he was being delusional, that he wasn't making sense to me and went to bed.
Several time between 9 and 3:30 I checked on him and kept reminding him to take his Olanzapine. By 3:30 he started asking for cigarettes and banging on walls. His bedroom wall is also my husband's bedroom wall (remember he has his own room for sleeping) and it was waking me up in my room. Once I gave him a cigarette then told him no because he will be out of cigarettes by noon if I gave him a pack them. 3:30 he stating he was going to make coffee...
Hubby was nice this morning and fed Gucci (our cat) so she wasn't doing her usual head-butting. I got to sleep in until 6 (if you can call being constantly woken up, sleeping in) when Michael came in and got me up asking for his cigarettes. I gave him a pack. As I'm walking down the stairs I'm noticing finger prints and smudges all over the walls. Same in his room even though I had washed the smudges off on Wednesday. Now two of his bedroom walls are full of them again. He says it's from him punching the walls and skin coming off. I did find his empty Olanzapine wrapper so I'm guessing he did finally take it sometime between 3:30 and 6.
As I was walking down the stairs he said that he wanted to talk to me about something. I'm pretty sure it's about either money or most likely marijuana as yesterday he told me that he hasn't been happy for over a year now so he should be able to smoke some now can we discuss it. No we cannot. No amount of sympathy gaining/manipulation is going to make me agree to marijuana. Anyways I just told him this morning that whatever it is he wants to talk about is going to have to wait because I just got up and I would like some coffee.
A little later he sits in the living room. He knows that his bothers me. He puts his feet on the coffee table, usually with shoes on (like this morning) and bounces his legs/feet. So the coffee table is making a racket, the floor is vibrating and I haven't even finished my first cup of coffee. After several times telling him to stop it he finally went to his room. Of course he is up there making a racket that he says he isn't.
I guess it's a combination of his ADHD and schizophrenia that when he gets a bit unstable he becomes very loud physically. He doesn't walk, he stomps. He doesn't sit, he drops/plunks onto furniture. He isn't gentle with anything that he touches or uses.
I guess that good thing I can try to take away from this is having a better idea of where his stability is at (or not at). If missing one dose of medications is going to have this affect than it's good to know. Although there is something else that I have been pondering and didn't mention. I guess it was two weekends ago when hubby and my son got their hair cut. Well while at the barber we ran into his 'friend' from across the hall at the old apartment. Hubby and I tried to keep an eye on them talking just in case there was an exchange of any type (marijuana). We didn't see anything and I have been trying not to over think it however he has been starting to slip since shortly after that. Combine this with some of the guilty behavior that I have been seeing like hiding his hands under the blanket when I walk into his room when he isn't smoking cigarettes, him stating yesterday that he must have been going through withdrawal or something... has me wondering. He has been keeping his hoodies on and it's not hot in here which used to be a red flag for him having stuff on him. I have checked them when I can and haven't found anything however that doesn't mean anything. Throw in Michael now asking me about letting him smoke it when that hasn't been brought up in a long time... Oh well.
*fingers crossed* that when/if his case worker from PACT drops off his medications today that his Invega has been upped. I'm not counting on it but it would be nice. Oh yeah... He missed group on Wednesday which sucks as it was strawberry picking.
On a good note, I might have a job! Talked to a lady yesterday and went over what the position is. Basically inside sales, from home. Something a little new to me although I do have some knowledgeable of the concept, requirements and expectations since I did work for a recruiting firm for over 9 years.
I did quit smoking on Sunday. So far, so good. Wednesday was a bit of a test ;). The patches are really helping so I'm rarely getting cravings. When I do then I also have lozenges which I'm using about 3 times a day. Like now :).
My goal today. Getting my son in the shower. It's been weeks and it's been a bit since I washed him. Also the last shower he did have, didn't help much. The big question: How to accomplish this?
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Monday when his nurse arrived I brought up that my son had agreed to try upping his Invega from 6 mg to 9 mg as we had discussed it and he agreed. Or so I thought... We had not discussed upping the Invega to replace him coming off the Olanzapine however that seems to be what his intentions were. His nurse said that he would discuss it with his treatment team.
Michael had also brought up to me wanting to try using vitamins. I cautioned him that this can work for some however not everyone and that for the people it do work for, they take lots of supplements sometimes several times a day. Also he needs to be on them for at least several months for the levels to build up in his system before even thinking about reducing medications to see if it will work. For one day he took all the supplements I gave him. The next day refused the Omega 3, a really important one if this is going to work, and nothing since that.
As of Tuesday things have been going down hill again.
I have no idea what prompted it however he didn't take his Invega or Olanzapine on Tuesday night and was up all night. I can't tell you exactly what he was up to other then some odd stuff.
In the middle of the night, one of the times that I got up to check on him, he was totally naked and acting guilty. I didn't really register this until I was back in bed. I reminded him about his pills and left it at that.
Wednesday morning he was lying on the sofa covered up with his blanket. I won't go into detail other then based on the sounds I was hearing and how he was lying... I'm pretty sure he was masturbating. Several times I 'interrupted' him and finally told him if he was going to keep doing it that he needed to go to his room. Off he went.
Later that morning I went into his room to clean as it was getting ridiculous in there. Even though I hadn't caught him again it was obvious he was smoking in there as there was more and more ashes and tobacco all over where he was putting them out on lord knows what since he had no ashtray. The first things I noticed was that he had sometime during the night grabbed the hammer and the knife sharpener. No I don't know why and he wouldn't tell me. I moved a box to clean and behind it was cigarette butts and his Olanzapine. So that is where he was stashing what he didn't want me to find.
I took the hammer, knife sharpener and Olanzapine downstairs and calmly asked him what he was doing with the hammer and knife sharpener. Like I said, he wouldn't tell. Just said the he thought he might need them for something. Then I asked him if we were back to him hiding his pills from me. His response was to tell me to stop being such a snob and that I had no right to yell at him or give him attitude for not taking his Olanzapine. One, I wasn't yelling and two, the point was that he hid them from me not that he didn't take them and three, he was still smoking in his room and lying to me about it.
I went back up to continue cleaning and vacuuming his room. Under his table I found his Invega. He says he didn't take them because he didn't sleep. They are no longer sedating for him so that is not logical. They do however slow his mind down so that he can sleep. Anyways this logic made sense to him :). I asked him for his cigarettes as they need to stay downstairs since I can't trust him. He handed them over then out of the blue told me dinner the night before was disgusting (it wasn't). No worries I won't be making dinner tonight... I got told to fuck off.
I let him know that he just lost his cigarettes (hubby bought them). A little while later I noticed that he was going outside and leaving the yard. Red flag. I went upstairs and checked and sure enough he had gone into my closet and grabbed a pack of smokes. I asked for them back... got called a bitch so I disconnected the internet.
We didn't talk much the rest of the day ;). Somewhat later he asked me what was for dinner. Before you think that he was psychotic or whatnot and didn't remember what had happened, he did. He was very much aware of what he said to me and it wasn't said spur of the moment. It was said on purpose. I told him whatever he made for himself. Hubby and I went out... He made himself noodles.
After we returned my son asked to talk. Stating it wasn't his fault that it was because he didn't take his pills and was up all night. If he took his pills that night could he have his cigarettes back. It wasn't my fault that he didn't take his pills either and I don't deserve to be talked to like that. I told him I wasn't going to negotiate with him about taking his pills. He needs to take them because he needs to take them and no he wasn't getting his cigarettes back that day.
He took his pills :), went to sleep early and as far as I know slept through the night. Yesterday morning I gave him a pack of cigarettes. We had a short conversation about what happened and he acknowledged that I didn't yell at him and that he guesses he needs to take his pills for now. My first thoughts were: Yeah, some insight. No... He was just saying what he thought I needed to hear.
At dinner time he asked for the internet back. I agreed however let him know that moving forward he was going to be losing it for longer for swearing at me so forewarned.
Last night he asked me to rub his back. He started talking about his Olanzapine being poison so he wouldn't take it. Took the Invega. Delusional talk about forcing his body to sweat was building up muscle and made up words stating that he had learned in chemistry in school. I did chemistry for three years and I don't recall that word. Well I went to school in Newfoundland and that place is... hmm I forget the word he used but not a nice one. For starters I also went to high school in Ontario and Newfoundland however surprising it may seem (Canadians will understand the reference) had a much harder curriculum. I told him that I thought he was being delusional, that he wasn't making sense to me and went to bed.
Several time between 9 and 3:30 I checked on him and kept reminding him to take his Olanzapine. By 3:30 he started asking for cigarettes and banging on walls. His bedroom wall is also my husband's bedroom wall (remember he has his own room for sleeping) and it was waking me up in my room. Once I gave him a cigarette then told him no because he will be out of cigarettes by noon if I gave him a pack them. 3:30 he stating he was going to make coffee...
Hubby was nice this morning and fed Gucci (our cat) so she wasn't doing her usual head-butting. I got to sleep in until 6 (if you can call being constantly woken up, sleeping in) when Michael came in and got me up asking for his cigarettes. I gave him a pack. As I'm walking down the stairs I'm noticing finger prints and smudges all over the walls. Same in his room even though I had washed the smudges off on Wednesday. Now two of his bedroom walls are full of them again. He says it's from him punching the walls and skin coming off. I did find his empty Olanzapine wrapper so I'm guessing he did finally take it sometime between 3:30 and 6.
As I was walking down the stairs he said that he wanted to talk to me about something. I'm pretty sure it's about either money or most likely marijuana as yesterday he told me that he hasn't been happy for over a year now so he should be able to smoke some now can we discuss it. No we cannot. No amount of sympathy gaining/manipulation is going to make me agree to marijuana. Anyways I just told him this morning that whatever it is he wants to talk about is going to have to wait because I just got up and I would like some coffee.
A little later he sits in the living room. He knows that his bothers me. He puts his feet on the coffee table, usually with shoes on (like this morning) and bounces his legs/feet. So the coffee table is making a racket, the floor is vibrating and I haven't even finished my first cup of coffee. After several times telling him to stop it he finally went to his room. Of course he is up there making a racket that he says he isn't.
I guess it's a combination of his ADHD and schizophrenia that when he gets a bit unstable he becomes very loud physically. He doesn't walk, he stomps. He doesn't sit, he drops/plunks onto furniture. He isn't gentle with anything that he touches or uses.
I guess that good thing I can try to take away from this is having a better idea of where his stability is at (or not at). If missing one dose of medications is going to have this affect than it's good to know. Although there is something else that I have been pondering and didn't mention. I guess it was two weekends ago when hubby and my son got their hair cut. Well while at the barber we ran into his 'friend' from across the hall at the old apartment. Hubby and I tried to keep an eye on them talking just in case there was an exchange of any type (marijuana). We didn't see anything and I have been trying not to over think it however he has been starting to slip since shortly after that. Combine this with some of the guilty behavior that I have been seeing like hiding his hands under the blanket when I walk into his room when he isn't smoking cigarettes, him stating yesterday that he must have been going through withdrawal or something... has me wondering. He has been keeping his hoodies on and it's not hot in here which used to be a red flag for him having stuff on him. I have checked them when I can and haven't found anything however that doesn't mean anything. Throw in Michael now asking me about letting him smoke it when that hasn't been brought up in a long time... Oh well.
*fingers crossed* that when/if his case worker from PACT drops off his medications today that his Invega has been upped. I'm not counting on it but it would be nice. Oh yeah... He missed group on Wednesday which sucks as it was strawberry picking.
On a good note, I might have a job! Talked to a lady yesterday and went over what the position is. Basically inside sales, from home. Something a little new to me although I do have some knowledgeable of the concept, requirements and expectations since I did work for a recruiting firm for over 9 years.
I did quit smoking on Sunday. So far, so good. Wednesday was a bit of a test ;). The patches are really helping so I'm rarely getting cravings. When I do then I also have lozenges which I'm using about 3 times a day. Like now :).
My goal today. Getting my son in the shower. It's been weeks and it's been a bit since I washed him. Also the last shower he did have, didn't help much. The big question: How to accomplish this?
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, June 12, 2015
A little bit manic? ADAPT, Camping & Rules
To anyone that follows my blog regularly, my apologies for not writing...
I seem to still be struggling a bit with getting back into my grove and my social media with respect to mental illness. I upped my Venlafaxine on Saturday to what my family doctor wants me taking as I was noticing that my thoughts were going back to that negative loop where everything and anything that I'm not impressed with was auto-repeat in my head ;). It takes a couple of days for it to build up and by Wednesday the sedation kicked in and I ended up napping and going to bed early. So hopefully I can get back on track.
Hubby's family get together went well. Very well actually. I ended up reminding/telling my son that he had money as we were taking him to get cigarettes. I asked him to hold off on buying alcohol until after the family get together as I didn't want him being symptomatic while there. He agreed to wait. I know that he found it a bit tiresome but he said that he had a good time.
He didn't buy alcohol until later Monday afternoon. My bad... but I told him that the liquor store wasn't open on Sundays. I didn't think that it was. Hubby told me afterwards that it was open.
I'm guessing it was the alcohol that triggered it; he went a bit manic on Tuesday. Out of nowhere he was putting on jeans, grooming his beard and looking for his dress shoes. We had an interesting conversation about his teeth that day. Some delusional thinking in that he believed he was 'born' when he first started having memories around 3 or 4 and that he has grown new teeth 4 times. His ODD started to act up a little bit. When I didn't engage he said to me: Come on lets talk about this... Translation, come on lets argue ;). Sorry no. I told him that I thought he was being delusional, that I gave birth to him so I know when he was born, if he had teeth or not and that I wasn't going to continue this conversation. I walked away.
He went to his PACT group the following Wednesday which was golf. He participated and had fun. His new nurse from PACT has taken him out of the house for the past two Mondays. I think he is also pushing at PACT that Michael be more involved with the outings so it doesn't look like I have to question if he is on the list for Wednesday's groups anymore. Now his rides are just showing up. I think Monday's outing to the YMCA is being looked at as well. Last Wednesday was supposed to be a trail hike but due to rain they ended up going to the mall instead.
Camping last weekend went well. He said that he had fun. It's hard to tell sometimes. He looks like he is not really paying much attention to where he is yet he must be. Hubby and I stayed up until around 10 and Michael stayed up after that watching the fire ;). His reason for wanting to go camping is the fire. The store at the campsite sells little packets that causes the flames to go different colors which is kinda cool. We got 2 of them this time. Roasted some marshmallows. Hubby and I froze our butts off that night. Not quit warm enough at night yet...
I have had 2 appointments with ADAPT now. I will be meeting with my counselor once a week until she can get through my history. Also because I'm now a client of ADAPT then I'm able to participate in another program they have called 'STOP' which is for quitting smoking. I meet with a gentleman for that Wednesday morning and he gave me a months supply of patches and some lozenges. Now I just have to set my quit date. Because of my own past history with addiction I'm a little bit of both. I'm there as a family member of an addict but I'm also a recovering addict so I should be able to attend some of the programs for that as well.
Every Friday (today) they have a get together for addiction clients where people can talk about addiction, mental illness and how to have a better life. My son keeps asking if he can come to group with hubby and I and of course the answer is no. I reminded him of a youth thing that happens on Wednesday nights however I can't go to that one so he says no. He seemed open to the idea of going to today's session so we will see depending on the weather as it's supposed to downpour. Also I think his motivation may be the food court at the mall where ADAPT is and I can't keep handing money out to these things. Every group he wants money for McDonald's...
Wednesday hubby noticed that Michael seemed a bit edgy or cranky. A week without alcohol and he was/is probably experiencing some withdrawal symptoms. Being aware of this I didn't say anything that would play into that scenario. You know the one that has the addict pushing for a fight or argument so that they have a reason to drink or use ;). I can't say that I want to go through this every time my son gets money. It may not seem like much, however it's a constant cycle of him feeding his addiction then going through withdrawal when he has to go without. Sadly it's him that is suffering with withdrawal...
Hubby and I had group again last night. It was a repeat of the same theme as the last one we attended which was concurrent disorders: addiction and mental illness. Hubby seems to be getting a lot out of these groups. It's helping him to see/hear from others, other then just me. The group last night was through the Schizophrenia Society of Ontario (SSO) and they meet once a month at that location. I was sort of aware however I will make a bigger effort in the future to attend these.
I did speak to the lady from SSO for a minute about advocacy and other things. These are the items that SSO is currently working on: Policy and Advocacy
Rules... It came to our attention on Wednesday night, I think, that my son has started smoking in his bedroom. I totally missed the red flag of my son being in his room all night. Here I was thinking: Yah he's sleeping through the night. *face palm* I'm usually more on top of it then that but I guess between upping my antidepressants and my want to not see the negatives... I totally missed it until hubby commented that upstairs smelled like cigarette smoke.
Yesterday he was smoking while I was upstairs so I smelled it. Of course he lied to me. I gave him several chances to tell me the truth and finally had to go find the 'ashtray' and take it out of his room and tell him to go outside. Once outside I brought it up and of course got the: I pay for my room... I didn't respond right away, waited a bit then said to him that I didn't want it to be that every time I bring up something that he is doing that he isn't supposed to be doing that I have to deal with his ODD. He asked what ODD was? Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He says: I'm not being defiant, ok maybe I am but that's because you won't listen. Listen to what? You want to do what you want regardless of the rules because you think you should be able to. Yes you pay for the room however that still doesn't give you the right to smoke in it. If he rented a whole apartment that was non-smoking than he still isn't allowed to smoke in it. The world has rules.
I let him know that moving forward there would be consequences to him not following this rule. Several hours later it's easy to know that he is STILL smoking in his room as he hasn't gone outside for a smoke. I let him know that I'm backing off on giving him attention until he can learn to follow this rule. This may sound harsh however if I let this boundary slip then every other rule or boundary will go out the window with it.
In last night's group there was discussion on the 'slippery slope' of addiction. Well there are slippery slopes with boundaries as well. My son loves to push them and whenever I don't try to keep them then he pushes them all. He will even tell me: Well this is a rule and you let me so I figure this rule doesn't apply either. Typical ODD behavior which is why boundary setting is so important. Regardless of all this I don't want my home full of cigarette smoke, certainly not upstairs when it contributes to my headaches and guess what? It's my home too.
So awesomely today I have totally triggered his ODD ;) by taking his cigarettes out of his room and putting them in the basement. Not an easy tightrope to walk. Enforcing the boundary without allowing this to turn into something ugly so keeping my tone neutral and not reacting to his attitude which as the moment seems to be staring me down...
I'm off to make a coffee and harass my daughter, if I can, as she hasn't been getting to work on time. All I can do is keep calling her phone...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
I seem to still be struggling a bit with getting back into my grove and my social media with respect to mental illness. I upped my Venlafaxine on Saturday to what my family doctor wants me taking as I was noticing that my thoughts were going back to that negative loop where everything and anything that I'm not impressed with was auto-repeat in my head ;). It takes a couple of days for it to build up and by Wednesday the sedation kicked in and I ended up napping and going to bed early. So hopefully I can get back on track.
Hubby's family get together went well. Very well actually. I ended up reminding/telling my son that he had money as we were taking him to get cigarettes. I asked him to hold off on buying alcohol until after the family get together as I didn't want him being symptomatic while there. He agreed to wait. I know that he found it a bit tiresome but he said that he had a good time.
He didn't buy alcohol until later Monday afternoon. My bad... but I told him that the liquor store wasn't open on Sundays. I didn't think that it was. Hubby told me afterwards that it was open.
I'm guessing it was the alcohol that triggered it; he went a bit manic on Tuesday. Out of nowhere he was putting on jeans, grooming his beard and looking for his dress shoes. We had an interesting conversation about his teeth that day. Some delusional thinking in that he believed he was 'born' when he first started having memories around 3 or 4 and that he has grown new teeth 4 times. His ODD started to act up a little bit. When I didn't engage he said to me: Come on lets talk about this... Translation, come on lets argue ;). Sorry no. I told him that I thought he was being delusional, that I gave birth to him so I know when he was born, if he had teeth or not and that I wasn't going to continue this conversation. I walked away.
He went to his PACT group the following Wednesday which was golf. He participated and had fun. His new nurse from PACT has taken him out of the house for the past two Mondays. I think he is also pushing at PACT that Michael be more involved with the outings so it doesn't look like I have to question if he is on the list for Wednesday's groups anymore. Now his rides are just showing up. I think Monday's outing to the YMCA is being looked at as well. Last Wednesday was supposed to be a trail hike but due to rain they ended up going to the mall instead.
Camping last weekend went well. He said that he had fun. It's hard to tell sometimes. He looks like he is not really paying much attention to where he is yet he must be. Hubby and I stayed up until around 10 and Michael stayed up after that watching the fire ;). His reason for wanting to go camping is the fire. The store at the campsite sells little packets that causes the flames to go different colors which is kinda cool. We got 2 of them this time. Roasted some marshmallows. Hubby and I froze our butts off that night. Not quit warm enough at night yet...
I have had 2 appointments with ADAPT now. I will be meeting with my counselor once a week until she can get through my history. Also because I'm now a client of ADAPT then I'm able to participate in another program they have called 'STOP' which is for quitting smoking. I meet with a gentleman for that Wednesday morning and he gave me a months supply of patches and some lozenges. Now I just have to set my quit date. Because of my own past history with addiction I'm a little bit of both. I'm there as a family member of an addict but I'm also a recovering addict so I should be able to attend some of the programs for that as well.
Every Friday (today) they have a get together for addiction clients where people can talk about addiction, mental illness and how to have a better life. My son keeps asking if he can come to group with hubby and I and of course the answer is no. I reminded him of a youth thing that happens on Wednesday nights however I can't go to that one so he says no. He seemed open to the idea of going to today's session so we will see depending on the weather as it's supposed to downpour. Also I think his motivation may be the food court at the mall where ADAPT is and I can't keep handing money out to these things. Every group he wants money for McDonald's...
Wednesday hubby noticed that Michael seemed a bit edgy or cranky. A week without alcohol and he was/is probably experiencing some withdrawal symptoms. Being aware of this I didn't say anything that would play into that scenario. You know the one that has the addict pushing for a fight or argument so that they have a reason to drink or use ;). I can't say that I want to go through this every time my son gets money. It may not seem like much, however it's a constant cycle of him feeding his addiction then going through withdrawal when he has to go without. Sadly it's him that is suffering with withdrawal...
Hubby and I had group again last night. It was a repeat of the same theme as the last one we attended which was concurrent disorders: addiction and mental illness. Hubby seems to be getting a lot out of these groups. It's helping him to see/hear from others, other then just me. The group last night was through the Schizophrenia Society of Ontario (SSO) and they meet once a month at that location. I was sort of aware however I will make a bigger effort in the future to attend these.
I did speak to the lady from SSO for a minute about advocacy and other things. These are the items that SSO is currently working on: Policy and Advocacy
Rules... It came to our attention on Wednesday night, I think, that my son has started smoking in his bedroom. I totally missed the red flag of my son being in his room all night. Here I was thinking: Yah he's sleeping through the night. *face palm* I'm usually more on top of it then that but I guess between upping my antidepressants and my want to not see the negatives... I totally missed it until hubby commented that upstairs smelled like cigarette smoke.
Yesterday he was smoking while I was upstairs so I smelled it. Of course he lied to me. I gave him several chances to tell me the truth and finally had to go find the 'ashtray' and take it out of his room and tell him to go outside. Once outside I brought it up and of course got the: I pay for my room... I didn't respond right away, waited a bit then said to him that I didn't want it to be that every time I bring up something that he is doing that he isn't supposed to be doing that I have to deal with his ODD. He asked what ODD was? Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He says: I'm not being defiant, ok maybe I am but that's because you won't listen. Listen to what? You want to do what you want regardless of the rules because you think you should be able to. Yes you pay for the room however that still doesn't give you the right to smoke in it. If he rented a whole apartment that was non-smoking than he still isn't allowed to smoke in it. The world has rules.
I let him know that moving forward there would be consequences to him not following this rule. Several hours later it's easy to know that he is STILL smoking in his room as he hasn't gone outside for a smoke. I let him know that I'm backing off on giving him attention until he can learn to follow this rule. This may sound harsh however if I let this boundary slip then every other rule or boundary will go out the window with it.
In last night's group there was discussion on the 'slippery slope' of addiction. Well there are slippery slopes with boundaries as well. My son loves to push them and whenever I don't try to keep them then he pushes them all. He will even tell me: Well this is a rule and you let me so I figure this rule doesn't apply either. Typical ODD behavior which is why boundary setting is so important. Regardless of all this I don't want my home full of cigarette smoke, certainly not upstairs when it contributes to my headaches and guess what? It's my home too.
So awesomely today I have totally triggered his ODD ;) by taking his cigarettes out of his room and putting them in the basement. Not an easy tightrope to walk. Enforcing the boundary without allowing this to turn into something ugly so keeping my tone neutral and not reacting to his attitude which as the moment seems to be staring me down...
I'm off to make a coffee and harass my daughter, if I can, as she hasn't been getting to work on time. All I can do is keep calling her phone...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Jinxed! A new nurse.
Logically I know that my last blog post highlighting the good didn't actually jinx things. Still it feels like schizophrenia is somewhere saying: na-na, na-na, boo-boo... I'm better then you. I got your son... (again)
By Tuesday morning the negative symptoms were obvious. His case worker dropped by with something for my son to sign so she could help straighten out the disability thing. She commented on how 'flat' he was. One word answers. No expression.
I guess it took a week for the Olanzapine to come completely out of his system.
For a couple of days I was managing to get some vitamins in him although it was hit or miss on which ones. One day he took his multi-vitamins. The next day the B50. Another day the omega-3 because he thinks the multi-vitamin is giving him energy. Now he is not taking any of them.
He has been eating dinners as I have been trying to make things that I know he likes and is healthy to keep him eating. He is not eating outside of that.
His sleeping is all over the place, when he does sleep. He won't take his Melatonin for some reason. This kind-of sucks because the Melatonin we take has 5-HTP and L-Theanin which can help him.
Friday I actually left him home alone for the most of the day. After being up all night and the previous two days he had finally gone to sleep. It was a busy day for hubby and I. Hubby had two doctors appointments and each of them were over an hour. We had car parts to get. Also Friday was the last day of my hubby's interlock condition on his license! If you don't know what this is then it's a device that is put in your car to make sure there is no drinking and driving. He is finally free of it! So we had to go to the license place and we had to go have the device removed from the car which was another hour long appointment. I must say that although a long and tiring day, it was good to be out of the house doing 'normal' stuff. My son's case worker stopped by to check on him since I wasn't home.
Hubby walked away from the doctor's appointments with a ton of medications ;) He has been coughing up some green/black stuff and green is usually a sign of infection so he got antibiotics for that. He also got something for his back. While I'm all for chiropractor first... He was still not getting much relief and these seem to be helping his back to relax. Which should help his next adjustment go even better.
My son was up when we returned, playing online. This was the last time he played online that I'm aware of. I was worried that he might not be ok if he woke up and I wasn't here but he seemed ok. Said he didn't call because his phone was dead but that he was charging it. He did answer the door to his case worker.
Saturday we took him with us to help out my hubby's son with an errand.
Yesterday he decided not to go grocery shopping with us. This doesn't happen very often. He really likes to go but I'm guessing even doing that is becoming too much for him at this point. Yesterday was also his Dad's birthday. I brought it up once but I didn't bring it up again because I know he can't process it right now.
Tuesday his case worker told me that he has a new nurse coming on board. His case worker has been seeing him almost every week however I do believe this is supposed to be a nurse making the weekly house calls. His from awhile ago is on maternity leave. So his new nurse dropped by today. He seemed nice and my son seemed to be ok with him.
I actually took myself to the basement for a cigarette while he was here to give them a chance to talk as I know I have a tendency to interrupt... I think I did pretty good and only interrupted a couple of times ;) It was easy to tell that participating in the conversation was a struggle for my son. I'm surprised he managed to ignore the voices as well as he did. His nurse commented that his answers where pretty short and one worded... Yes that's all he is capable of right now. Actually this was the most he has spoken in days. It can take several times asking just to get an answer on what type of tea he wants after dinner. Not that he drinks it but I keep hoping that he will and take the supplements I keep putting out.
I walked out with the nurse and filled in some of the blanks and corrected some things. Like I told him, I don't know if it's my son being delusional or if he just knows what to say. He doesn't give accurate information on questions about sleeping, eating or activities. He told his nurse that he went to bed at 11 last night. I think this is because he has been told that it's a good bed time. He went to bed at 2 when I got up and had him go. He was wide awake at 5 when I got up. He didn't sleep. Same with eating. He says he has been eating good. Dinner only for most of the week now. He says he has been playing his games. He hasn't since Friday. He says that he has no voices. I told his nurse we call them entities. They started becoming obvious last Monday.
His smoking is up and down. His fingers are brown, I noticed last night. He may go awhile without but then will smoke sometimes three in a row. That seems to be lessening today. So while smoking a lot is not a good sign, smoking less is an even worse sign. When he is smoking a lot he is stressed. When he isn't smoking much than he has gone further into his head. He has actually been smoking the cigarettes that he didn't want (we couldn't return them, we tried) and not even complaining about them which isn't like him.
After several days of me nicely hinting, my hubby actually managed to suggest and get him into a bath on Thursday. I think he has been in the same clothes ever since. Will have to try and get him in clean clothes today after he wakes up. I'm pretty sure he is sleeping now. He had a short snooze yesterday but other then that has been awake since possibly Friday around noon. It's hard to tell sometimes. He will go to bed when I prompt him but that doesn't mean he is sleeping.
His nurse set up an appointment with his psychiatrist for tomorrow morning. That's an appointment that has been long overdue. We certainly need to do discuss his medications and how to proceed. I know I have been hesitant about upping his Invega due to possible lose of his libido however that doesn't seem to be happening right now anyways and honestly it's not something we need happening right now as when he is like this he can have no sense of keeping it private.
ADAPT called me this morning. She apologized for taking so long to get back to me. I let her know that my son seems to relapses so we set up a tentative follow up appointment in two weeks. She also gave me some information on the next family event that deals with concurrent disorders, mental illness and addiction, and who to contact to register. I have actually met the lady that I am to contact. We meet through the early intervention program my son was in before PACT. I have also talked to her at an event I attended through the Schizophrenia Society of Ontario.
I'm off. Gucci is demanding some petting time and the homemade beef jerky I made is calling my name...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
By Tuesday morning the negative symptoms were obvious. His case worker dropped by with something for my son to sign so she could help straighten out the disability thing. She commented on how 'flat' he was. One word answers. No expression.
I guess it took a week for the Olanzapine to come completely out of his system.
For a couple of days I was managing to get some vitamins in him although it was hit or miss on which ones. One day he took his multi-vitamins. The next day the B50. Another day the omega-3 because he thinks the multi-vitamin is giving him energy. Now he is not taking any of them.
He has been eating dinners as I have been trying to make things that I know he likes and is healthy to keep him eating. He is not eating outside of that.
His sleeping is all over the place, when he does sleep. He won't take his Melatonin for some reason. This kind-of sucks because the Melatonin we take has 5-HTP and L-Theanin which can help him.
Friday I actually left him home alone for the most of the day. After being up all night and the previous two days he had finally gone to sleep. It was a busy day for hubby and I. Hubby had two doctors appointments and each of them were over an hour. We had car parts to get. Also Friday was the last day of my hubby's interlock condition on his license! If you don't know what this is then it's a device that is put in your car to make sure there is no drinking and driving. He is finally free of it! So we had to go to the license place and we had to go have the device removed from the car which was another hour long appointment. I must say that although a long and tiring day, it was good to be out of the house doing 'normal' stuff. My son's case worker stopped by to check on him since I wasn't home.
Hubby walked away from the doctor's appointments with a ton of medications ;) He has been coughing up some green/black stuff and green is usually a sign of infection so he got antibiotics for that. He also got something for his back. While I'm all for chiropractor first... He was still not getting much relief and these seem to be helping his back to relax. Which should help his next adjustment go even better.
My son was up when we returned, playing online. This was the last time he played online that I'm aware of. I was worried that he might not be ok if he woke up and I wasn't here but he seemed ok. Said he didn't call because his phone was dead but that he was charging it. He did answer the door to his case worker.
Saturday we took him with us to help out my hubby's son with an errand.
Yesterday he decided not to go grocery shopping with us. This doesn't happen very often. He really likes to go but I'm guessing even doing that is becoming too much for him at this point. Yesterday was also his Dad's birthday. I brought it up once but I didn't bring it up again because I know he can't process it right now.
Tuesday his case worker told me that he has a new nurse coming on board. His case worker has been seeing him almost every week however I do believe this is supposed to be a nurse making the weekly house calls. His from awhile ago is on maternity leave. So his new nurse dropped by today. He seemed nice and my son seemed to be ok with him.
I actually took myself to the basement for a cigarette while he was here to give them a chance to talk as I know I have a tendency to interrupt... I think I did pretty good and only interrupted a couple of times ;) It was easy to tell that participating in the conversation was a struggle for my son. I'm surprised he managed to ignore the voices as well as he did. His nurse commented that his answers where pretty short and one worded... Yes that's all he is capable of right now. Actually this was the most he has spoken in days. It can take several times asking just to get an answer on what type of tea he wants after dinner. Not that he drinks it but I keep hoping that he will and take the supplements I keep putting out.
I walked out with the nurse and filled in some of the blanks and corrected some things. Like I told him, I don't know if it's my son being delusional or if he just knows what to say. He doesn't give accurate information on questions about sleeping, eating or activities. He told his nurse that he went to bed at 11 last night. I think this is because he has been told that it's a good bed time. He went to bed at 2 when I got up and had him go. He was wide awake at 5 when I got up. He didn't sleep. Same with eating. He says he has been eating good. Dinner only for most of the week now. He says he has been playing his games. He hasn't since Friday. He says that he has no voices. I told his nurse we call them entities. They started becoming obvious last Monday.
His smoking is up and down. His fingers are brown, I noticed last night. He may go awhile without but then will smoke sometimes three in a row. That seems to be lessening today. So while smoking a lot is not a good sign, smoking less is an even worse sign. When he is smoking a lot he is stressed. When he isn't smoking much than he has gone further into his head. He has actually been smoking the cigarettes that he didn't want (we couldn't return them, we tried) and not even complaining about them which isn't like him.
After several days of me nicely hinting, my hubby actually managed to suggest and get him into a bath on Thursday. I think he has been in the same clothes ever since. Will have to try and get him in clean clothes today after he wakes up. I'm pretty sure he is sleeping now. He had a short snooze yesterday but other then that has been awake since possibly Friday around noon. It's hard to tell sometimes. He will go to bed when I prompt him but that doesn't mean he is sleeping.
His nurse set up an appointment with his psychiatrist for tomorrow morning. That's an appointment that has been long overdue. We certainly need to do discuss his medications and how to proceed. I know I have been hesitant about upping his Invega due to possible lose of his libido however that doesn't seem to be happening right now anyways and honestly it's not something we need happening right now as when he is like this he can have no sense of keeping it private.
ADAPT called me this morning. She apologized for taking so long to get back to me. I let her know that my son seems to relapses so we set up a tentative follow up appointment in two weeks. She also gave me some information on the next family event that deals with concurrent disorders, mental illness and addiction, and who to contact to register. I have actually met the lady that I am to contact. We meet through the early intervention program my son was in before PACT. I have also talked to her at an event I attended through the Schizophrenia Society of Ontario.
I'm off. Gucci is demanding some petting time and the homemade beef jerky I made is calling my name...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, November 28, 2014
Will you be my elder?
This is what my son asked me when he eventually got up after 4 pm. I sat with him on sofa for a bit so that we could talk some things through. I started the conversation with the fact that I know he got defiant about me bringing up the hospital however I want us to be able to have open discussions about it and schizophrenia. I let him know that he was doing much better the day before and I'm worried that the alcohol he drank may be making him worse again. He can't see it as he feels great which seems to be his answer when anyone asks him how he is doing. I'm great! He had questions about the Xbox, how it was put together, what it was and what invisible things were inside it. I let him know that he didn't question these things before that he knew what an Xbox was. He wanted to know how I could assist him with the spiritual entities. I didn't answer this one as I don't have an answer. Hopefully the Invega and time will lessen their impact on him.
I let him know my theory on why he is finding his bed or the sofa uncomfortable and that if we were to go away somewhere that he would still fill uncomfortable because it is coming from inside him because of schizophrenia. He acknowledged that he does feel uncomfortable inside. I said yes that's because there is probably too much dopamine in his brain right now. I talked to him about trying to make his bed more comfortable and cuddly by adding a comforter to sleep on. He liked that idea and I did this last night when I had him go to bed at 3.
He asked about working and I told him I don't think he is ready for that right now as when you work your employee needs to be able to count on you and I don't think he is ready for that. He agreed that he is too tired. We discussed how PACT can help him with this when he is ready. Currently picking up after himself is something that needs to start happening and he agreed that it is something that he should be doing.
I asked him how he felt about schizophrenia now. He said that he is confused about it which I think is a good thing. Sometimes we need to be confused to tear down old walls on what we think we know.
Yesterday I went looking in our apartment building for his whisky bottle since I haven't seen it. I couldn't find it. I asked him about it yesterday and he said that it was hidden with his wine... He wants to become a wine junkie. I suggested being a health junkie may be better for him ;) He said he was going for a walk last night to drink... I just told him to take his ID in case he gets picked up by the police since drinking in public is illegal. He probably didn't even leave the building... Speaking off, I need to sweep the buildings stairway of ashes as he has been sitting there to smoke sometimes since we don't smoke inside anymore.
I have delved a bit deeper into my understanding of word salad. Maybe word salad is not the most appropriate phrase for what I see happening with my son as his words do have meaning and connection with each other whereas word salad seems to imply sentences where words do not go together at all. So I learned something new today!
He seems to be improving although I'm very concerned about his cognition. He asked for assistance putting on his toque last night as he didn't seem to know how. He did make a pot of coffee though! He is putting on clean shirts every day. He did have a bath Wednesday morning however I will need to get him in the shower at some point as he is not getting clean and he needs to wash his hair. I know my husband wants to get a hair cut this weekend so maybe *fingers crossed* I can motivate him to go with and have a shower first.
His friend from across the hall just knocked on the door. He doesn't live there anymore however he must be visiting his dad. I told him no marijuana as it will land my son back in the hospital. His friend doesn't look good either. I asked him if he was ok and he said ya, tired and not eating... I would guess too much partying as happens across the hall. I'm so glad that I have given up that lifestyle. The further I am from it the more pathetic it appears to me. The inability to put family above addiction. It's entirely too sad because there is a choice with this mental illness called addiction. I guess I can't preach though since I have been there. I'm just so thankful that I am not there anymore! Thankfully my son was still sleeping and *fingers crossed* that he leaves to go home before my son becomes aware of his presence.
I did manage to get an Omega 3 into him last night by joking that I was his elder and that it's part of his 'healthy life' note...
Still trying to get his drug benefits...
It's 1:41 pm and he just got up...
Mom
BarbieBF
I let him know my theory on why he is finding his bed or the sofa uncomfortable and that if we were to go away somewhere that he would still fill uncomfortable because it is coming from inside him because of schizophrenia. He acknowledged that he does feel uncomfortable inside. I said yes that's because there is probably too much dopamine in his brain right now. I talked to him about trying to make his bed more comfortable and cuddly by adding a comforter to sleep on. He liked that idea and I did this last night when I had him go to bed at 3.
He asked about working and I told him I don't think he is ready for that right now as when you work your employee needs to be able to count on you and I don't think he is ready for that. He agreed that he is too tired. We discussed how PACT can help him with this when he is ready. Currently picking up after himself is something that needs to start happening and he agreed that it is something that he should be doing.
I asked him how he felt about schizophrenia now. He said that he is confused about it which I think is a good thing. Sometimes we need to be confused to tear down old walls on what we think we know.
Yesterday I went looking in our apartment building for his whisky bottle since I haven't seen it. I couldn't find it. I asked him about it yesterday and he said that it was hidden with his wine... He wants to become a wine junkie. I suggested being a health junkie may be better for him ;) He said he was going for a walk last night to drink... I just told him to take his ID in case he gets picked up by the police since drinking in public is illegal. He probably didn't even leave the building... Speaking off, I need to sweep the buildings stairway of ashes as he has been sitting there to smoke sometimes since we don't smoke inside anymore.
I have delved a bit deeper into my understanding of word salad. Maybe word salad is not the most appropriate phrase for what I see happening with my son as his words do have meaning and connection with each other whereas word salad seems to imply sentences where words do not go together at all. So I learned something new today!
He seems to be improving although I'm very concerned about his cognition. He asked for assistance putting on his toque last night as he didn't seem to know how. He did make a pot of coffee though! He is putting on clean shirts every day. He did have a bath Wednesday morning however I will need to get him in the shower at some point as he is not getting clean and he needs to wash his hair. I know my husband wants to get a hair cut this weekend so maybe *fingers crossed* I can motivate him to go with and have a shower first.
His friend from across the hall just knocked on the door. He doesn't live there anymore however he must be visiting his dad. I told him no marijuana as it will land my son back in the hospital. His friend doesn't look good either. I asked him if he was ok and he said ya, tired and not eating... I would guess too much partying as happens across the hall. I'm so glad that I have given up that lifestyle. The further I am from it the more pathetic it appears to me. The inability to put family above addiction. It's entirely too sad because there is a choice with this mental illness called addiction. I guess I can't preach though since I have been there. I'm just so thankful that I am not there anymore! Thankfully my son was still sleeping and *fingers crossed* that he leaves to go home before my son becomes aware of his presence.
I did manage to get an Omega 3 into him last night by joking that I was his elder and that it's part of his 'healthy life' note...
Still trying to get his drug benefits...
It's 1:41 pm and he just got up...
Mom
BarbieBF
Friday, August 22, 2014
Hurry up and wait game
I know someone who uses this phrase a lot and in this case it certainly fits. I feel like I'm playing a game of hurry up and wait. Wait to see if he is going to pull himself out of it or wait for the break. Either way I wish that it would hurry up and happen one way or the other. I think I have said this before! Deja vu!
This morning was another morning of him stating that he must have insomnia because he took his pills but couldn't sleep. He hadn't taken his pills. His confusion on this is not getting any better as I believe that he really did think that he had taken them. He did take them, his Clozapine and Lithium, and within 45 minutes went to bed after being up again for 19 hours. In the meantime I was listening to more laughing for no apparent reason. The laughing has been back since the 19th. He is explaining it away as a stress reliever and that he is laughing at stupid mental pictures. More animals although this time no mention of cow udders (it's ok I smiled too!) which is what he found so amusing the last time this happened. I think it's sheep this time. At this point I'm unsure if he is experiencing voices or not, although he says that he isn't. Of course I believe him... not. Voices are part of what got him admitted last time.
Turns out it was the Seroquel that made him feel like crying. Not the Trazodone. Something else he was confused about which is not like him. He is usually pretty on top of the names of his medications. I woke up one morning to my knife sharpener missing. I know he has a fascination with his switch blade and pocket knives but I put them all away. He asked me about them yesterday and I told him that I put them away. I haven't thrown them out and he can have them back but with him feeling suicidal I didn't feel comfortable with him having them in his room. The morning we took him to the hospital he had stated that he might as well slit his wrists if he has to be on pills for the rest of his life. He didn't deny feeling suicidal...
His case worker was here yesterday. He didn't remember meeting her on the 18th. His psychiatrist decided not to come see him because if the hospital would not admit him then there probably isn't too much that he can do except to have his case worker try to talk him into going back on the Invega. He is still refusing even though she tried to explain to him that if he wants to obtain his goals of moving out and being on his own than he needs to be more alert and functioning. She did comment that he seemed more alert. I don't think it's a good alert, I think it's more along the lines of his mind raising. She had to repeat a lot of what she was saying because he would stop focusing on her. Then it was like he would come back to seeing or focusing on her. While he may not have any overt signs of voices I do believe that they are there.
The lady from Ready4Life dropped off two applications today for group homes. One of them may have an opening coming up around September. So far we are all in agreement that this is probably the best choice for him. He wants his own place but he can't take care of himself and is unable to see that. He will have his own room and be expected to help and participate with chores and participate in daily activities. It has 24/7 onsite support staff and the majority of their clients are between the ages of 20-30 and 60% male. They also charge on a sliding scale so he can afford it. They will help teach him life skills. He didn't seem to impressed when I told him about the chores. I reminded him that he says that he is capable of doing them so it shouldn't be a problem. He also showed some resistance to the idea that they may oversee his medications. His case worker explained that it is nothing personal, they are just doing their jobs, which seemed to ease his defiance a little bit. Or he lost his focus again.
Overall he is barely maintaining be 'stable'. He is eating some. Sometimes he will have some supper but he is not eating like he normally does. Not drinking as much as he normally does. He hasn't been on his computer in days. I'm guessing he can't think or concentrate to be on it. He's been watching TV all night although I don't think he is watching it. He doesn't appear to be changing channels or turning it up to the volume that he usually watches TV at. I know because I'm usually asking him to turn it down in the middle of the night. So basically he is sitting or lying on the sofa with the TV on. I noticed this morning as well that he wasn't smoking cigarettes. When stressed he can smoke one every 15 minutes so if it has progressed to the point that he isn't smoking for extending periods then he is much to far into his own head space. I asked him last night why hasn't called his Nana yet and he said that he didn't know. Again I'm guessing that he just can't think to do it. He hasn't showered since the 12th and I don't think he has brushed his teeth since then either. He is sometimes changing his shirt. One day he did manage to groom his facial hair. I have no idea what prompted that. Ego? :) I have been reminding him to wash his bedding as it needs it. He acknowledges that it needs to be done and that it is a good idea but doesn't do it. The mom in me is having a tough time not pushing him to do these things or do it for him however doing it for him won't change the fact that this is currently where he is at. It would be like putting a band-aid on a broken bone. The band-aid won't fix it or cover it up.
His caseworker did take him to get his monthly blood work done and he did call in and refill his Lithium. She will probably take him to pick it up tomorrow although that means he only has 300 mg for tonight/tomorrow morning instead of 600 mg. I'm obviously not going to send him to a shelter like this, so that is off the table for now. For now it's just waiting... Hope that he pulls it together or has a break so that the damage being done to his brain is minimal.
Mom
BarbieBF
Knife Sharpener Guy
This morning was another morning of him stating that he must have insomnia because he took his pills but couldn't sleep. He hadn't taken his pills. His confusion on this is not getting any better as I believe that he really did think that he had taken them. He did take them, his Clozapine and Lithium, and within 45 minutes went to bed after being up again for 19 hours. In the meantime I was listening to more laughing for no apparent reason. The laughing has been back since the 19th. He is explaining it away as a stress reliever and that he is laughing at stupid mental pictures. More animals although this time no mention of cow udders (it's ok I smiled too!) which is what he found so amusing the last time this happened. I think it's sheep this time. At this point I'm unsure if he is experiencing voices or not, although he says that he isn't. Of course I believe him... not. Voices are part of what got him admitted last time.
Turns out it was the Seroquel that made him feel like crying. Not the Trazodone. Something else he was confused about which is not like him. He is usually pretty on top of the names of his medications. I woke up one morning to my knife sharpener missing. I know he has a fascination with his switch blade and pocket knives but I put them all away. He asked me about them yesterday and I told him that I put them away. I haven't thrown them out and he can have them back but with him feeling suicidal I didn't feel comfortable with him having them in his room. The morning we took him to the hospital he had stated that he might as well slit his wrists if he has to be on pills for the rest of his life. He didn't deny feeling suicidal...
His case worker was here yesterday. He didn't remember meeting her on the 18th. His psychiatrist decided not to come see him because if the hospital would not admit him then there probably isn't too much that he can do except to have his case worker try to talk him into going back on the Invega. He is still refusing even though she tried to explain to him that if he wants to obtain his goals of moving out and being on his own than he needs to be more alert and functioning. She did comment that he seemed more alert. I don't think it's a good alert, I think it's more along the lines of his mind raising. She had to repeat a lot of what she was saying because he would stop focusing on her. Then it was like he would come back to seeing or focusing on her. While he may not have any overt signs of voices I do believe that they are there.
The lady from Ready4Life dropped off two applications today for group homes. One of them may have an opening coming up around September. So far we are all in agreement that this is probably the best choice for him. He wants his own place but he can't take care of himself and is unable to see that. He will have his own room and be expected to help and participate with chores and participate in daily activities. It has 24/7 onsite support staff and the majority of their clients are between the ages of 20-30 and 60% male. They also charge on a sliding scale so he can afford it. They will help teach him life skills. He didn't seem to impressed when I told him about the chores. I reminded him that he says that he is capable of doing them so it shouldn't be a problem. He also showed some resistance to the idea that they may oversee his medications. His case worker explained that it is nothing personal, they are just doing their jobs, which seemed to ease his defiance a little bit. Or he lost his focus again.
Overall he is barely maintaining be 'stable'. He is eating some. Sometimes he will have some supper but he is not eating like he normally does. Not drinking as much as he normally does. He hasn't been on his computer in days. I'm guessing he can't think or concentrate to be on it. He's been watching TV all night although I don't think he is watching it. He doesn't appear to be changing channels or turning it up to the volume that he usually watches TV at. I know because I'm usually asking him to turn it down in the middle of the night. So basically he is sitting or lying on the sofa with the TV on. I noticed this morning as well that he wasn't smoking cigarettes. When stressed he can smoke one every 15 minutes so if it has progressed to the point that he isn't smoking for extending periods then he is much to far into his own head space. I asked him last night why hasn't called his Nana yet and he said that he didn't know. Again I'm guessing that he just can't think to do it. He hasn't showered since the 12th and I don't think he has brushed his teeth since then either. He is sometimes changing his shirt. One day he did manage to groom his facial hair. I have no idea what prompted that. Ego? :) I have been reminding him to wash his bedding as it needs it. He acknowledges that it needs to be done and that it is a good idea but doesn't do it. The mom in me is having a tough time not pushing him to do these things or do it for him however doing it for him won't change the fact that this is currently where he is at. It would be like putting a band-aid on a broken bone. The band-aid won't fix it or cover it up.
His caseworker did take him to get his monthly blood work done and he did call in and refill his Lithium. She will probably take him to pick it up tomorrow although that means he only has 300 mg for tonight/tomorrow morning instead of 600 mg. I'm obviously not going to send him to a shelter like this, so that is off the table for now. For now it's just waiting... Hope that he pulls it together or has a break so that the damage being done to his brain is minimal.
Mom
BarbieBF
Knife Sharpener Guy
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
On pins and needles
Due to rain my hubby was home from work yesterday so we all went to see Guardians of the Galaxy. It was pretty much what I thought it would be before I heard that it was a great movie. I think I would probably have enjoyed Maleficent much more. My son seemed more interested in the three Lego figurines I got him at the movie theater, although he did say that he thought it was a good movie. These Lego figurines instigated us making a trip to Walmart for Lego. My son picked out a kit for a house and I picked up a small kit to make a 'power digger' for my hubby since he is in construction and is an heavy machine operator. I actually had fun putting it together and he put it on our night table.
My son had fun putting together his three figurines and moving furniture around looking for the pieces he kept dropping. He had stated that he wanted to put the house together with me however I think sometime in the middle of the night he must have changed his mind...
On Monday one of my son's workers stopped by for a quick visit. I told her that at the moment my son is the least of my concerns however he is still a concern :) He has been doing good. Still sleeping in his own bed, so it's been 10 nights, although I use nights loosely as he doesn't go to bed until sometime between 4 and 6 AM. He is not making as many messes and is attempting to clean up after himself. His room is starting to look like another tornado hit it. He can't seem to manage reaching his garbage can or laundry basket. I had forwarded him an email from the YMCA asking if they should be closing his file with them as they can't keep his file open with no activity or progress to report. I feel that he needs to be the one to respond and take responsibility for the choice to not attend. I don't know if he answered it but I'm guessing that he didn't.
When we did grocery shopping last Sunday my son asked if they had anything in the vitamin section, like a herb, to help him with his anxiety. I have tried in the past to help him with this by getting him an herbal tincture however he abused it so I had to throw it out. I take a lot of supplements and vitamins and have been trying to get him to take them as well however he refuses. He even refuses a multivitamin. He has on several occasions stated that he wants some sort of muscle relaxer. Yes he is still looking for that quick fix. In my opinion it's his nerve system that is causing his muscles to be tense. He is either under or overstimulated or some combination of the two. To treat the symptom and not the cause is not going to help him in the long run. 5-HTP caught my eye and his too. 5-HTP is an amino acid that the body produces naturally and I do believe helps to regulate or produce serotonin which helps to regulate mood. I agreed to let him try it as long as he doesn't abuse it. So far it doesn't appear that he is abusing it. He noticed a couple of hours after taking one that he felt more relaxed. I noticed this too as usually even when he is just sitting/lying on the sofa his foot is in constant motion and that night it wasn't. I am trying not to micromanage him taking his pills however I am counting how many are in the bottles every now and then. I also handed him over his Gabapentin/Neurontin on Friday. The first night 5 went missing. He says he put them in another pill bottle. He seems to be on track with his 100 mg Clozapine however his Invega and Lithium are not adding up. I haven't counted his 25 mg Clozapine.
This morning my son and I butted heads as he was still up when I got up at 5:30. Of course not being particularly coherent myself I triggered his ODD when I told him he needed to take his pills and go to bed. According to my son he doesn't need them and that is why his psychiatrist is weaning him off them because he knows that he doesn't need them. Delusional or manipulative? I don't know. Somehow he pulled his friend into the conversation and it was his friend's fault that he had no friends that his friend treats him like crap... I won't say what else he had to say as I'm pretty sure it was being motivated by negative emotions rather then an honest opinion of his friend. As I said I wasn't being particularly coherent and I managed to hurt his feelings by saying something about me doing what I'm doing because I love him and if he can't see that then there is something wrong with him. I meant this in terms of maturity and I tried to tell him that however he took it to heart. Told me to kick him out because he can't handle being here and he would rather be out on the streets. I told him that I am tired of having to walk on eggshells and monitor everything that I say because he can't handle some truth. I'm not going to kick him out on the streets so that he can use that to manipulate others into feeling sorry for him. If he wants to go then go but I'm not telling him to. I don't know if it was lack of sleep, having not taken his pills yet or something else (psychosis) but his eyes were telling their own story. He did go to sleep a short time later.
As for why I am on pins and needles... I think I have spoken some about my downstairs neighbors and their excessive noise. I don't know if I have spoken about the verbal harassment. Saturday I got a pretty big scare. The lady from that unit tried to forcibly enter my apartment as she thought that I had called mental health services on her and freaked out when they tried to contact her. It turns out a police officer that had attended for my previous noise complaint had contacted them. Accusing me of putting an eviction notice in her mailbox that was obviously from the building management and not me, among other things, made them question her mental health. Long story short this has been going on for some time now and whenever I try to get it to stop I'm being verbally harassed by them and having to deal with physical outbursts like banging on walls and what happened on Saturday. Saturday being the second time she has approached my apartment in an aggressive manner. After me almost losing it in front of a police officer and him seeing how afraid I was, something is finally being done about it. I think the charges will be criminal harassment and mischief, once they arrest her... She has been avoiding being arrested since Sunday. The quiet is somewhat unnerving and not knowing where she is has got me more then a little tense. As grateful as I am that something is being done I'm more afraid to leave my apartment alone then I was before as she and her husband have to be pissed at me. On the bright side, they have both been warned to not communicate with/at me and my family or they could both be facing further charges. So now it's a bit of a waiting game and if she doesn't appear they may have to issue an arrest warrant. Hopefully for her sake it doesn't come to that. In the meantime I'm jumping at every sound in my hallway... *deep breathes*
The YMCA called me a little while ago. I told them to close his file for now since he obviously isn't going to follow through on dealing with this. His nurse also dropped by about an hour ago and he went out to talk to her and grab his Clozapine that PACT picked up for him. I'm waiting for some dough to rise and telling myself that I don't need another cigarette! I have been smoking way to much lately. I think it's time for a herbal tea before I start making dinner.
Mom
BarbieBF
My son had fun putting together his three figurines and moving furniture around looking for the pieces he kept dropping. He had stated that he wanted to put the house together with me however I think sometime in the middle of the night he must have changed his mind...
On Monday one of my son's workers stopped by for a quick visit. I told her that at the moment my son is the least of my concerns however he is still a concern :) He has been doing good. Still sleeping in his own bed, so it's been 10 nights, although I use nights loosely as he doesn't go to bed until sometime between 4 and 6 AM. He is not making as many messes and is attempting to clean up after himself. His room is starting to look like another tornado hit it. He can't seem to manage reaching his garbage can or laundry basket. I had forwarded him an email from the YMCA asking if they should be closing his file with them as they can't keep his file open with no activity or progress to report. I feel that he needs to be the one to respond and take responsibility for the choice to not attend. I don't know if he answered it but I'm guessing that he didn't.
When we did grocery shopping last Sunday my son asked if they had anything in the vitamin section, like a herb, to help him with his anxiety. I have tried in the past to help him with this by getting him an herbal tincture however he abused it so I had to throw it out. I take a lot of supplements and vitamins and have been trying to get him to take them as well however he refuses. He even refuses a multivitamin. He has on several occasions stated that he wants some sort of muscle relaxer. Yes he is still looking for that quick fix. In my opinion it's his nerve system that is causing his muscles to be tense. He is either under or overstimulated or some combination of the two. To treat the symptom and not the cause is not going to help him in the long run. 5-HTP caught my eye and his too. 5-HTP is an amino acid that the body produces naturally and I do believe helps to regulate or produce serotonin which helps to regulate mood. I agreed to let him try it as long as he doesn't abuse it. So far it doesn't appear that he is abusing it. He noticed a couple of hours after taking one that he felt more relaxed. I noticed this too as usually even when he is just sitting/lying on the sofa his foot is in constant motion and that night it wasn't. I am trying not to micromanage him taking his pills however I am counting how many are in the bottles every now and then. I also handed him over his Gabapentin/Neurontin on Friday. The first night 5 went missing. He says he put them in another pill bottle. He seems to be on track with his 100 mg Clozapine however his Invega and Lithium are not adding up. I haven't counted his 25 mg Clozapine.
This morning my son and I butted heads as he was still up when I got up at 5:30. Of course not being particularly coherent myself I triggered his ODD when I told him he needed to take his pills and go to bed. According to my son he doesn't need them and that is why his psychiatrist is weaning him off them because he knows that he doesn't need them. Delusional or manipulative? I don't know. Somehow he pulled his friend into the conversation and it was his friend's fault that he had no friends that his friend treats him like crap... I won't say what else he had to say as I'm pretty sure it was being motivated by negative emotions rather then an honest opinion of his friend. As I said I wasn't being particularly coherent and I managed to hurt his feelings by saying something about me doing what I'm doing because I love him and if he can't see that then there is something wrong with him. I meant this in terms of maturity and I tried to tell him that however he took it to heart. Told me to kick him out because he can't handle being here and he would rather be out on the streets. I told him that I am tired of having to walk on eggshells and monitor everything that I say because he can't handle some truth. I'm not going to kick him out on the streets so that he can use that to manipulate others into feeling sorry for him. If he wants to go then go but I'm not telling him to. I don't know if it was lack of sleep, having not taken his pills yet or something else (psychosis) but his eyes were telling their own story. He did go to sleep a short time later.
As for why I am on pins and needles... I think I have spoken some about my downstairs neighbors and their excessive noise. I don't know if I have spoken about the verbal harassment. Saturday I got a pretty big scare. The lady from that unit tried to forcibly enter my apartment as she thought that I had called mental health services on her and freaked out when they tried to contact her. It turns out a police officer that had attended for my previous noise complaint had contacted them. Accusing me of putting an eviction notice in her mailbox that was obviously from the building management and not me, among other things, made them question her mental health. Long story short this has been going on for some time now and whenever I try to get it to stop I'm being verbally harassed by them and having to deal with physical outbursts like banging on walls and what happened on Saturday. Saturday being the second time she has approached my apartment in an aggressive manner. After me almost losing it in front of a police officer and him seeing how afraid I was, something is finally being done about it. I think the charges will be criminal harassment and mischief, once they arrest her... She has been avoiding being arrested since Sunday. The quiet is somewhat unnerving and not knowing where she is has got me more then a little tense. As grateful as I am that something is being done I'm more afraid to leave my apartment alone then I was before as she and her husband have to be pissed at me. On the bright side, they have both been warned to not communicate with/at me and my family or they could both be facing further charges. So now it's a bit of a waiting game and if she doesn't appear they may have to issue an arrest warrant. Hopefully for her sake it doesn't come to that. In the meantime I'm jumping at every sound in my hallway... *deep breathes*
The YMCA called me a little while ago. I told them to close his file for now since he obviously isn't going to follow through on dealing with this. His nurse also dropped by about an hour ago and he went out to talk to her and grab his Clozapine that PACT picked up for him. I'm waiting for some dough to rise and telling myself that I don't need another cigarette! I have been smoking way to much lately. I think it's time for a herbal tea before I start making dinner.
Mom
BarbieBF
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Road Trip, Home Sweet Home!
What can I say about the first part of our road trip to see my daughter? Nothing good I'm afraid. Left Burlington, Ontario Friday night and got there early Monday morning. The motor in our car went in Medicine Hat, Alberta on Sunday. My hubby decided he wanted to decrease his Ciprelax dose plus missed taking some due to driving. My son still isn't recovered from the Adderall mishap and his mood and attitude was still pretty negative. By the time we reached Banff National Park I had had enough and part of me is still wishing I had had the kahunas to leave them both on the side of the road. As it was I made my son exit the vehicle, rental car (left our car in Medicine Hat to get the motor replaced), that he decided needed to feel his fist while I got my own tears of frustration under control. That took about 10-15 minutes. That night I managed to get a Trazadone, along with his other meds, into my son so he passed out pretty good in the back seat. We arrived in Langley, British Columbia around 4 AM and had to wait until 7 for someone to be at the motel so we could check in. At least we made it... Oh I ended up buying hubby and I cigarettes so there went over two months of no smoking down the drain. What can I say? It was smoke or get divorced ;)
We checked into the motel and finally got my son into the shower. There was no way I was going to let his Dad and Nana see him looking like something the cat dragged in. I'm still mentally kicking myself a little bit that I didn't have my guard up regarding the Adderall. I had so wanted them to see how much progress my son had made. Instead we show up with him barely stable. Not to much I can do about that now. At least he was clean!
I'm afraid the first day with my daughter was through somewhat of a sleep deprived haze. On a good note my insomnia didn't act up the whole time I was there. I guess exhaustion has it's up side.
Wednesday was graduation day. Four proud parental figures watched her walk across the stage and accept her diploma. *happy tears* Thursday was the grad dinner and dance to which all of her parental figures also attended. Certainly a lot more to a high school graduation now than when I graduated. I am extremely proud to have been a part of it.
Hubby and I also attended my daughter's baptism. A very small church or group of very nice people. They seemed to really like my daughter and I'm glad that she has found them. Religion has not been a big part of my own life. Growing up with a somewhat fanatical father when it came to Religion and the Bible I tend to veer away from religious denominations. However I have managed to hang onto God himself so I'm happy that my daughter has also found him and made a place for him in her life.
This was the first time that I got to meet my kids step-mom. I think we got along pretty good. She was very nice and opened her home to us for which I am grateful. I didn't do nearly as much motel cooking as I had planned on doing. A little rehashing of old times with my ex... It seems he has spoken of an occasion when I threw an ashtray at his head. If I recall it was a cup and well deserved however he managed to leave out that part in the telling. I of course corrected the oversight!
Nana however is a different story. Happy to see me yet that quickly changed after my son 'vented' his version of the truth? Perhaps truth is not the right word since the only person that doesn't know that it was mostly bullshit is nana herself. The cold shoulder I got reflected her apparent want to 'strangle me' for treating my son like a child and being too controlling. I guess I was supposed to buy him a top of the line Alienware laptop for almost $3000.00 with no strings attached, certainly not use it as a condition of him attending school a whole whopping 6 hours a week. Not sure how I am being too controlling except that perhaps I shouldn't be trying to stop him from drinking and using? Perhaps I should be handing him over more money when he blows his on alcohol, games and whatever nicotine fad he is currently into? After all it's his disability check and shouldn't he get to blow it on himself while I pay for everything? Yes I'm being sarcastic. All this aside the most disturbing thing was that it seems my son spent some time going into detail with his Nana on how he was going to murder me. Yup a little scary and I believe it since he also later admitted it to me. Previously when my son lived with her he used to abuse her percocets and I'm pretty sure this time was no different. My son stayed with his Dad/Nana while hubby and I stayed at the motel. For about two days the way that he was looking at me was very unnerving to say the least. Very cold and calculating. Gotta love those perks! Did Nana think to tell me or warn me? Of course not. Others in the house overheard. Something I will be bringing up to his nurse when she returns my call today. Unfortunately I wasn't able to monitor his medications or alcohol use so he missed I'm thinking at least two nights worth of medications and stole alcohol from his Dad's stash. We went to see the fireworks for Canada Day, July 1st and security at the park poured out the rum that was in his water bottle. So ya part of the trip was others feeling uncomfortable due to the cold shoulder I was getting that no one could really understand why. When asked if she was upset with my son the answer of course was that she could never be upset with him. Apparently his negative attitude and comments like 'If they were my kids they would be getting a punch in the head', I guess for the ring he left out and the kids got a hold of, is acceptable behavior? I tried my best to ignore it as I know better then to expect any different. She managed to hug me instead of strangling me when I hugged her good-bye...
I had been saving up my Walmart dollars so that I could take my daughter shopping. One of my previous saving up of them had gone on a deep fryer that my son wanted so I figured she deserved the same so we took her shopping for some cloths. She got some underwear, bras, shorts, legging and quit a few shirts since they were on sale for $3.94 I do believe. I don't recall what else. It seems my son 'vented' about this as well stating that I had spent way more then I did and that it was unfair. Something else that was unfair. How much attention we were all giving my daughter for her graduation and baptism. Things like this happen everyday, so why all the fuss? I seem to be dripping with sarcasm today.
Then there was the trip to White Rock beach that we apparently omitted directly asking my son to go with us. My bad. It was a given on my part that he was coming with us as we talked about it with him and he was ready to leave with us when we left with no prompting from anyone to get ready. Yah I'm somewhat confused on that one too. Why be ready to go somewhere if you are not invited? Other then the fact that we couldn't find my son a pair of sandals that out of the blue he decided he needed even though he previously didn't want when I wanted to get him a pair, the trip to the beach turned into good day. Not much time spent at the actual beach as I'm afraid I got hit with an overwhelming thirst and need to get out of the heat so we stopped at a restaurant. By the time we made it to the beach it had cooled down, perhaps a bit too much but my daughter and her boyfriend had fun playing in the water anyways. We did end up getting my son a pair of sandals when we took my daughter cloth shopping and he even likes them still. I sometimes shake my head that I can buy him expensive things like a PSP4 and Nintendo3DS and he shows more long term appreciation for the littler things like sandals or shoes. Go figure. Child abuse as it's best it would seem. Here I go again with the sarcasm. In case I haven't mentioned it my son has a tendency to accuse me of child abuse when I don't give him everything that he wants when he is not stable.
I guess one of the 'positive' things I can take from this trip with respect to my son and his Nana is that the likelihood of me moving across country and putting them in the same province, certainly not the same city, is clearly not an option. I sincerely wish that that was not the case as I have on occasion entertained the thought for my daughter's sake. Until recently I was pretty set against it for several reasons. My sisters, although we are currently not talking and my hubby's job security. Yes he can find a job out there but not with an employer who has stood behind him through some pretty tough times and certainly not with the job security that he currently has. Asking a 58 year old man to give this up is not something I particularly feel comfortable doing and in reality I won't. I guess I'm still pretty set against it. Not really a positive thing for my daughter *sad face*
Despite all of the above there was still room for some sibling and family bounding. My daughter's step-mom took some beautiful pictures of my daughter's graduation and dance. Some bounding over Dad teaching the kids how to chop wood for a fire and roasted marshmallows and s'mores. The fireworks were awesome. My kid's half sister is adorable and so is their step-sister. The heat rash I developed on the other hand was not so awesome. I guess I spend way to much time indoors and we did have some pretty hot days.
Thursday night we managed to squeeze everything back into the rental, plus our daughter and her luggage as she came back with us and will fly back home after two weeks. The trip home was much calmer. We still drove through the night on two occasions however this time my hubby didn't miss taking his Ciprelax and we tried not to rush. Picked up our car on the way back with it's new-used motor. Got some cute pics of the kids sleeping. One with my daughter's head on my son's shoulder. Priceless. Below are some of the pics I took driving through the Canadian Rockies and clouds!
We made it home 9:30 Monday morning. All a little zombified. The kids headed for the sofas and quickly went back to the sleep. I of course got on my computer. I missed my baby. Spent a couple of hours catching up as best I good with my sleep deprived foggy brain. Eventually curled up with hubby and managed to get a power nap in. Totally passed out on the sofa later that evening which is rare for me. Hubby managed to guide me to bed. I left my daughter watching Alice in Wonderland on her own.
Once we all had a little energy we took a drive for cigarettes and to the grocery store. Later that evening my son decided he wanted to go to his friends for the night. No surprise there. He had bought two pipes when he got his cigarettes. His disability payment was waiting for him when we got home. A ride to his friends including a stop at the liquor store to 'pick up alcohol for his friend'. I'm never to sure how to handle these situations as I know I can't completely stop him from buying alcohol or using. I also forgot to make sure he had his meds with him when he left. So he smoked pot, drank alcohol and didn't take his meds on Monday night, on top of not really being stable as it is. Picked him up yesterday afternoon and he was not doing to well. Really distracted. Picked his sister up from visiting a friend and she was in the car for a bit before he even realized that she was there. Had to repeat everything 2-3 times. Took out his laptop but didn't get on it. Not a good sign when my son is to distracted to get on his computer. He has hardly been on it since before we left on our trip. Randomly decided to go for a walk stating that he is stressed and needs to get out. Another bad sign. When he says stressed that seems to mean symptomatic or at the very least racing thoughts which would explain how distracted he is. He says he is not hearing voices but I can't be sure. He says he doesn't have any weed. Again I can't be sure. I messaged his friend and asked him my son had left with any weed and he said no but he did leave with vodka. It took two searches of his room to find that as the first time I checked his backpack it wasn't in there but was the second time. I got rid of it. Usually I tell him that I have done this but this time I decided not to say anything, well I haven't yet. He knows the rules so if he wants to waste his money on alcohol going down the drain then so be it.
Getting him to take his meds was about an 8 hours ordeal. I finally got them into him at around 5 this morning after he had been up all night. Not good since I don't think he slept at his friends either. He kept saying that he was going to take them but wouldn't as he needed to think first. Not easy trying to 'nicely' persuade him without triggering what I call his ODD. Then when he finally did take them he dropped them. I think we may have missed .5 of his Risperdone but I did manage to give him a Trazadone so hopefully he will sleep for a long time. Even with the pills it took him over an hour to go to sleep. Not good.
I'm waiting for his nurse to call me back. I'm really thinking that we should have upped his Clozapine after the Adderall however I didn't want to trigger his ODD however it is pretty apparent that he is not recovering very well. Perhaps his nurse will have a solution. He is just not stable enough to withstand missed doses or lack of sleep. Or any weed it would seem.
Yesterday evening we went to pick up our hamster from my hubby's sister who hamster-sat for us. But first we took my daughter to a parking lot so that she could try driving. She also got her learners driving license before we left to head back home. Another proud moment. Of course she badgered us the whole drive home to let her drive.
Don't know if you can see it but that tire mark was my daughter's doing. Granted, I don't think she staled which is better then I usually do in a standard.
Well it's 2 PM and I have effectively managed to spend my day so far on my computer. Yes I missed it! I guess I should go and put a little more effort into waking my daughter and perhaps put in another call to my son's nurse before I hit the shower. Dreading the idea of causing all my mosquito bits to itch at once. I have managed to get bitten 27 times within the past 4-5 days. Yup I counted. 27 of them and some of them are nasty. FYI vinegar works just as good as After Bite or Benadryl and you only smell like french fries for about 5-10 minutes.
Mom
BarbieBF
We checked into the motel and finally got my son into the shower. There was no way I was going to let his Dad and Nana see him looking like something the cat dragged in. I'm still mentally kicking myself a little bit that I didn't have my guard up regarding the Adderall. I had so wanted them to see how much progress my son had made. Instead we show up with him barely stable. Not to much I can do about that now. At least he was clean!
I'm afraid the first day with my daughter was through somewhat of a sleep deprived haze. On a good note my insomnia didn't act up the whole time I was there. I guess exhaustion has it's up side.
Wednesday was graduation day. Four proud parental figures watched her walk across the stage and accept her diploma. *happy tears* Thursday was the grad dinner and dance to which all of her parental figures also attended. Certainly a lot more to a high school graduation now than when I graduated. I am extremely proud to have been a part of it.
Hubby and I also attended my daughter's baptism. A very small church or group of very nice people. They seemed to really like my daughter and I'm glad that she has found them. Religion has not been a big part of my own life. Growing up with a somewhat fanatical father when it came to Religion and the Bible I tend to veer away from religious denominations. However I have managed to hang onto God himself so I'm happy that my daughter has also found him and made a place for him in her life.
This was the first time that I got to meet my kids step-mom. I think we got along pretty good. She was very nice and opened her home to us for which I am grateful. I didn't do nearly as much motel cooking as I had planned on doing. A little rehashing of old times with my ex... It seems he has spoken of an occasion when I threw an ashtray at his head. If I recall it was a cup and well deserved however he managed to leave out that part in the telling. I of course corrected the oversight!
Nana however is a different story. Happy to see me yet that quickly changed after my son 'vented' his version of the truth? Perhaps truth is not the right word since the only person that doesn't know that it was mostly bullshit is nana herself. The cold shoulder I got reflected her apparent want to 'strangle me' for treating my son like a child and being too controlling. I guess I was supposed to buy him a top of the line Alienware laptop for almost $3000.00 with no strings attached, certainly not use it as a condition of him attending school a whole whopping 6 hours a week. Not sure how I am being too controlling except that perhaps I shouldn't be trying to stop him from drinking and using? Perhaps I should be handing him over more money when he blows his on alcohol, games and whatever nicotine fad he is currently into? After all it's his disability check and shouldn't he get to blow it on himself while I pay for everything? Yes I'm being sarcastic. All this aside the most disturbing thing was that it seems my son spent some time going into detail with his Nana on how he was going to murder me. Yup a little scary and I believe it since he also later admitted it to me. Previously when my son lived with her he used to abuse her percocets and I'm pretty sure this time was no different. My son stayed with his Dad/Nana while hubby and I stayed at the motel. For about two days the way that he was looking at me was very unnerving to say the least. Very cold and calculating. Gotta love those perks! Did Nana think to tell me or warn me? Of course not. Others in the house overheard. Something I will be bringing up to his nurse when she returns my call today. Unfortunately I wasn't able to monitor his medications or alcohol use so he missed I'm thinking at least two nights worth of medications and stole alcohol from his Dad's stash. We went to see the fireworks for Canada Day, July 1st and security at the park poured out the rum that was in his water bottle. So ya part of the trip was others feeling uncomfortable due to the cold shoulder I was getting that no one could really understand why. When asked if she was upset with my son the answer of course was that she could never be upset with him. Apparently his negative attitude and comments like 'If they were my kids they would be getting a punch in the head', I guess for the ring he left out and the kids got a hold of, is acceptable behavior? I tried my best to ignore it as I know better then to expect any different. She managed to hug me instead of strangling me when I hugged her good-bye...
I had been saving up my Walmart dollars so that I could take my daughter shopping. One of my previous saving up of them had gone on a deep fryer that my son wanted so I figured she deserved the same so we took her shopping for some cloths. She got some underwear, bras, shorts, legging and quit a few shirts since they were on sale for $3.94 I do believe. I don't recall what else. It seems my son 'vented' about this as well stating that I had spent way more then I did and that it was unfair. Something else that was unfair. How much attention we were all giving my daughter for her graduation and baptism. Things like this happen everyday, so why all the fuss? I seem to be dripping with sarcasm today.
Then there was the trip to White Rock beach that we apparently omitted directly asking my son to go with us. My bad. It was a given on my part that he was coming with us as we talked about it with him and he was ready to leave with us when we left with no prompting from anyone to get ready. Yah I'm somewhat confused on that one too. Why be ready to go somewhere if you are not invited? Other then the fact that we couldn't find my son a pair of sandals that out of the blue he decided he needed even though he previously didn't want when I wanted to get him a pair, the trip to the beach turned into good day. Not much time spent at the actual beach as I'm afraid I got hit with an overwhelming thirst and need to get out of the heat so we stopped at a restaurant. By the time we made it to the beach it had cooled down, perhaps a bit too much but my daughter and her boyfriend had fun playing in the water anyways. We did end up getting my son a pair of sandals when we took my daughter cloth shopping and he even likes them still. I sometimes shake my head that I can buy him expensive things like a PSP4 and Nintendo3DS and he shows more long term appreciation for the littler things like sandals or shoes. Go figure. Child abuse as it's best it would seem. Here I go again with the sarcasm. In case I haven't mentioned it my son has a tendency to accuse me of child abuse when I don't give him everything that he wants when he is not stable.
I guess one of the 'positive' things I can take from this trip with respect to my son and his Nana is that the likelihood of me moving across country and putting them in the same province, certainly not the same city, is clearly not an option. I sincerely wish that that was not the case as I have on occasion entertained the thought for my daughter's sake. Until recently I was pretty set against it for several reasons. My sisters, although we are currently not talking and my hubby's job security. Yes he can find a job out there but not with an employer who has stood behind him through some pretty tough times and certainly not with the job security that he currently has. Asking a 58 year old man to give this up is not something I particularly feel comfortable doing and in reality I won't. I guess I'm still pretty set against it. Not really a positive thing for my daughter *sad face*
Despite all of the above there was still room for some sibling and family bounding. My daughter's step-mom took some beautiful pictures of my daughter's graduation and dance. Some bounding over Dad teaching the kids how to chop wood for a fire and roasted marshmallows and s'mores. The fireworks were awesome. My kid's half sister is adorable and so is their step-sister. The heat rash I developed on the other hand was not so awesome. I guess I spend way to much time indoors and we did have some pretty hot days.
Thursday night we managed to squeeze everything back into the rental, plus our daughter and her luggage as she came back with us and will fly back home after two weeks. The trip home was much calmer. We still drove through the night on two occasions however this time my hubby didn't miss taking his Ciprelax and we tried not to rush. Picked up our car on the way back with it's new-used motor. Got some cute pics of the kids sleeping. One with my daughter's head on my son's shoulder. Priceless. Below are some of the pics I took driving through the Canadian Rockies and clouds!
We made it home 9:30 Monday morning. All a little zombified. The kids headed for the sofas and quickly went back to the sleep. I of course got on my computer. I missed my baby. Spent a couple of hours catching up as best I good with my sleep deprived foggy brain. Eventually curled up with hubby and managed to get a power nap in. Totally passed out on the sofa later that evening which is rare for me. Hubby managed to guide me to bed. I left my daughter watching Alice in Wonderland on her own.
Once we all had a little energy we took a drive for cigarettes and to the grocery store. Later that evening my son decided he wanted to go to his friends for the night. No surprise there. He had bought two pipes when he got his cigarettes. His disability payment was waiting for him when we got home. A ride to his friends including a stop at the liquor store to 'pick up alcohol for his friend'. I'm never to sure how to handle these situations as I know I can't completely stop him from buying alcohol or using. I also forgot to make sure he had his meds with him when he left. So he smoked pot, drank alcohol and didn't take his meds on Monday night, on top of not really being stable as it is. Picked him up yesterday afternoon and he was not doing to well. Really distracted. Picked his sister up from visiting a friend and she was in the car for a bit before he even realized that she was there. Had to repeat everything 2-3 times. Took out his laptop but didn't get on it. Not a good sign when my son is to distracted to get on his computer. He has hardly been on it since before we left on our trip. Randomly decided to go for a walk stating that he is stressed and needs to get out. Another bad sign. When he says stressed that seems to mean symptomatic or at the very least racing thoughts which would explain how distracted he is. He says he is not hearing voices but I can't be sure. He says he doesn't have any weed. Again I can't be sure. I messaged his friend and asked him my son had left with any weed and he said no but he did leave with vodka. It took two searches of his room to find that as the first time I checked his backpack it wasn't in there but was the second time. I got rid of it. Usually I tell him that I have done this but this time I decided not to say anything, well I haven't yet. He knows the rules so if he wants to waste his money on alcohol going down the drain then so be it.
Getting him to take his meds was about an 8 hours ordeal. I finally got them into him at around 5 this morning after he had been up all night. Not good since I don't think he slept at his friends either. He kept saying that he was going to take them but wouldn't as he needed to think first. Not easy trying to 'nicely' persuade him without triggering what I call his ODD. Then when he finally did take them he dropped them. I think we may have missed .5 of his Risperdone but I did manage to give him a Trazadone so hopefully he will sleep for a long time. Even with the pills it took him over an hour to go to sleep. Not good.
I'm waiting for his nurse to call me back. I'm really thinking that we should have upped his Clozapine after the Adderall however I didn't want to trigger his ODD however it is pretty apparent that he is not recovering very well. Perhaps his nurse will have a solution. He is just not stable enough to withstand missed doses or lack of sleep. Or any weed it would seem.
Yesterday evening we went to pick up our hamster from my hubby's sister who hamster-sat for us. But first we took my daughter to a parking lot so that she could try driving. She also got her learners driving license before we left to head back home. Another proud moment. Of course she badgered us the whole drive home to let her drive.
Don't know if you can see it but that tire mark was my daughter's doing. Granted, I don't think she staled which is better then I usually do in a standard.
Well it's 2 PM and I have effectively managed to spend my day so far on my computer. Yes I missed it! I guess I should go and put a little more effort into waking my daughter and perhaps put in another call to my son's nurse before I hit the shower. Dreading the idea of causing all my mosquito bits to itch at once. I have managed to get bitten 27 times within the past 4-5 days. Yup I counted. 27 of them and some of them are nasty. FYI vinegar works just as good as After Bite or Benadryl and you only smell like french fries for about 5-10 minutes.
Mom
BarbieBF
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Hormones, cabin fever or just life?
It's 9:16 am and all my windows are open to maximize the amount of fresh air flowing through my apartment. I can hear the birds chirping and the sun is shining and it is quiet! Blissfully quiet, except for the birds of course. Both my hubby and I woke up in a good mood this morning. He made his bed this morning (air-mattress actually, that he has been sleeping on to help ease my insomnia since he has restless leg and sleep apnea), folded his PJ's and texted me a little while ago that his sandwich had turned into a ball of tune, bread and cheese but he was able to lol about it. I made the coffee and kissed him good-bye at the door. Much better then yesterday when he left for work already having a bad day that just continued. I have to admit that lately I have not been overly nice to my hubby. Everyday I give myself this little pep talk that I will not snap at him, that I will not react to some of things that he says that irks me and that I will be more tolerant and loving. Perhaps if I literally wrote it out like they used to make us do lines in school? Or wear an elastic band and snap myself when I do react negatively? I have seriously thought about doing both of these things since the daily pep talk doesn't seem to be working as well as I had hoped. My good intentions go out the window as soon as he makes a comment that irks me. I'm trying to figure out why they are irking me so easily. Personally I believe that my hubby does have some sort of thought disorder along with his GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). He himself acknowledges that he may have ADD. So I think to myself: Why can I not give him the same patience and tolerance I give my son? Maybe it's because I'm giving all my patience and tolerance to my son :)
Maybe I need to up the amount of tinctures and supplements that I am taking to help me with menopausal symptoms. I know that I have more patience than I have been displaying lately so perhaps it's my hormones? Although I'm pretty sure it's not that since I have not been experiencing hot flashes (I used to) and my cycles are awesomely easily now in comparison to what they used to be and certainly aren't happening every two weeks like they were. No other signs that it would be hormonal. Well that kind of sucks. If it was then I could up my doses of the tinctures and my ESTROSmart supplement and walah all fixed.
Cabin fever maybe? There are times when I have this overwhelming urge to get out and away from here. Of course at those times I usually want to scream with frustration as well. But then on days like today, I am so thankful that I am able to be a stay at home housewife/caregiver. I really do love it. I love taking my time doing what I am doing even if it's learning how to make homemade bread or posting on the forum or thinking about how I'm going to rearrange my bedroom. For most of my life I didn't have this. Tough childhood, college and job, parenthood, addiction, job... Never much time for just being me. So while I do miss the hubbub of working in an office and yes even the stress and responsibilities of someone always needing me for something, I can't bring myself to want to give up what I currently have to go back to that. I guess that rules out cabin fever.
I guess that leaves just life. I guess it doesn't help that I don't have many friends outside of my immediate family and the internet. Actually I only have one friend and she is my best friend. We haven't talked in a while but even if we do go 3+ months without talking we seem to pick up right were we left off. I haven't seen her in well over a year. How time flies. Honestly though this doesn't bring me down as I don't need more. I think life is sort of at a stand still for me. I'm not sure what I want to do in the future. As much as I am loving being at home I can't stay this way forever. Eventually I will have to rejoin the workforce and the longer I'm out of it the harder it will be. I think that plays on my mind much more then I realize. Part of me feels bad that I am not doing something more productive with my life. Problem is though that I don't know what I want to do. This is a new experience where I actually have the option to make choices, not just go with the flow and do. I picked my college program based on my older sisters choice since I had no idea what I wanted to be. Office Administration (Legal). Granted it gave me a good understanding of office procedures and legal terminology which has served me well both professionally and privately however I have not pursued a career as a legal secretary. Mind you I did get pregnant before graduation ;) Instead I ended up working my way into a Manager of Finance position. Not where I want to be either.
So I am here. Sure of my past but not to sure of my future. The support to do what I want if I can just nail that down. Social worker is certainly an option. More schooling. Then there is my son. I just don't feel comfortable moving forward with that part of my life until I feel that he is more settled on his path. I sometimes wonder if I'm making excuses to not move forward as how can I ever be sure of his path when dealing with addiction and psychosis. Day to day is a grab bag of... who knows?
I do have this nagging dream of being a writer. That seems to be all I have to say about that. I really need to figure out what is holding me back from giving it that old college try... Fear of failing...
Aside from the laughter and the sunglasses yesterday my son seems to be improving. He ate a good dinner which is always good to see. After dinner we all went for a drive to get my son his cigarettes. 5 more cartons so 1000 cigarettes. We last got him 5 cartons on May 25 so 3.5 weeks ago. So averaging a 2 pack or 40 cigarettes a day habit. He was actually coming down from that and was probably worse then that a year ago. However this latest journey into psychosis land means an increase in smoking. Hopefully it was start to slow down some as he regains himself. Hubby and I quit smoking over a month ago so sometimes it's a little hard to take. After the drive for smokes we dropped him off at his friend's place for the night...
One of those rare occasions where hubby and I find ourselves alone for the night and I wasn't being cranky. I even managed without the aid of an elastic band to not got irked so that I would not get cranky and ruin our chances of a 'good' evening together. It worked! Hubby and I had a 'good' evening ;). As a couple we needed this. He is my main support in pretty much every way and our relationship needs the attention. I was a little bemused this morning when I saw my hubby's PJ's folded and not on the floor as usual. A little attention can go a long ways. We both woke up happy and in love. Not that we aren't in love all of the time but life's responsibilities can sometimes get in the way of acting out that love.
I have the whole day and the apartment to myself for the day! Perhaps I will finally get my packing done and play Barbie dress up. I have no idea what I'm going to wear for my daughter's graduation. Other then that I think everything is almost in order for us to leave tomorrow. Hubby will pick my son up on his way home from work today. In keeping with these loving feelings I will do my best to great my hubby at the door with a big hug and kiss. I used to all the time. Somehow life just got in the way.
Mom
BarbieBF
Maybe I need to up the amount of tinctures and supplements that I am taking to help me with menopausal symptoms. I know that I have more patience than I have been displaying lately so perhaps it's my hormones? Although I'm pretty sure it's not that since I have not been experiencing hot flashes (I used to) and my cycles are awesomely easily now in comparison to what they used to be and certainly aren't happening every two weeks like they were. No other signs that it would be hormonal. Well that kind of sucks. If it was then I could up my doses of the tinctures and my ESTROSmart supplement and walah all fixed.
Cabin fever maybe? There are times when I have this overwhelming urge to get out and away from here. Of course at those times I usually want to scream with frustration as well. But then on days like today, I am so thankful that I am able to be a stay at home housewife/caregiver. I really do love it. I love taking my time doing what I am doing even if it's learning how to make homemade bread or posting on the forum or thinking about how I'm going to rearrange my bedroom. For most of my life I didn't have this. Tough childhood, college and job, parenthood, addiction, job... Never much time for just being me. So while I do miss the hubbub of working in an office and yes even the stress and responsibilities of someone always needing me for something, I can't bring myself to want to give up what I currently have to go back to that. I guess that rules out cabin fever.
I guess that leaves just life. I guess it doesn't help that I don't have many friends outside of my immediate family and the internet. Actually I only have one friend and she is my best friend. We haven't talked in a while but even if we do go 3+ months without talking we seem to pick up right were we left off. I haven't seen her in well over a year. How time flies. Honestly though this doesn't bring me down as I don't need more. I think life is sort of at a stand still for me. I'm not sure what I want to do in the future. As much as I am loving being at home I can't stay this way forever. Eventually I will have to rejoin the workforce and the longer I'm out of it the harder it will be. I think that plays on my mind much more then I realize. Part of me feels bad that I am not doing something more productive with my life. Problem is though that I don't know what I want to do. This is a new experience where I actually have the option to make choices, not just go with the flow and do. I picked my college program based on my older sisters choice since I had no idea what I wanted to be. Office Administration (Legal). Granted it gave me a good understanding of office procedures and legal terminology which has served me well both professionally and privately however I have not pursued a career as a legal secretary. Mind you I did get pregnant before graduation ;) Instead I ended up working my way into a Manager of Finance position. Not where I want to be either.
So I am here. Sure of my past but not to sure of my future. The support to do what I want if I can just nail that down. Social worker is certainly an option. More schooling. Then there is my son. I just don't feel comfortable moving forward with that part of my life until I feel that he is more settled on his path. I sometimes wonder if I'm making excuses to not move forward as how can I ever be sure of his path when dealing with addiction and psychosis. Day to day is a grab bag of... who knows?
I do have this nagging dream of being a writer. That seems to be all I have to say about that. I really need to figure out what is holding me back from giving it that old college try... Fear of failing...
Aside from the laughter and the sunglasses yesterday my son seems to be improving. He ate a good dinner which is always good to see. After dinner we all went for a drive to get my son his cigarettes. 5 more cartons so 1000 cigarettes. We last got him 5 cartons on May 25 so 3.5 weeks ago. So averaging a 2 pack or 40 cigarettes a day habit. He was actually coming down from that and was probably worse then that a year ago. However this latest journey into psychosis land means an increase in smoking. Hopefully it was start to slow down some as he regains himself. Hubby and I quit smoking over a month ago so sometimes it's a little hard to take. After the drive for smokes we dropped him off at his friend's place for the night...
One of those rare occasions where hubby and I find ourselves alone for the night and I wasn't being cranky. I even managed without the aid of an elastic band to not got irked so that I would not get cranky and ruin our chances of a 'good' evening together. It worked! Hubby and I had a 'good' evening ;). As a couple we needed this. He is my main support in pretty much every way and our relationship needs the attention. I was a little bemused this morning when I saw my hubby's PJ's folded and not on the floor as usual. A little attention can go a long ways. We both woke up happy and in love. Not that we aren't in love all of the time but life's responsibilities can sometimes get in the way of acting out that love.
I have the whole day and the apartment to myself for the day! Perhaps I will finally get my packing done and play Barbie dress up. I have no idea what I'm going to wear for my daughter's graduation. Other then that I think everything is almost in order for us to leave tomorrow. Hubby will pick my son up on his way home from work today. In keeping with these loving feelings I will do my best to great my hubby at the door with a big hug and kiss. I used to all the time. Somehow life just got in the way.
Mom
BarbieBF
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