I think I have my feet back under me, figuratively speaking. At least I don't feel like I'm down for the count. I won't say who but someone said/typed something to me today that lifted me in a way that I was not expecting. This person said: And don't be sorry, he's your son. A simple acknowledgement that... I really can't explain... Just thank you if you are reading this. It somehow made my day and helped me to realize that nothing can change this. I did allow schizophrenia to cause a rift that should not have happened. I allowed emotions, my sons and my own to get in the way. I stepped back just a little too much or perhaps a lot too much ;) I'm afraid I'm only human after all...
My son left yesterday on a flight to his father. I did not take him to the airport, someone from Ready4Life did. I couldn't. I did see him the night before, brought him some things, took him for a Tim Horton's coffee and let him talk for a bit. I sometimes do this to get an idea of where he is at mentally. If given the opportunity and if he feels safe then he usually opens up pretty easily about what he is thinking. As hard as it was to listen to my son's delusional thoughts and beliefs, I did take comfort in the fact that he still considers me a safe place to speak about them. I won't go into all of what he had to say except that he spoke of himself as being non-human, wanting to leave earth and not wanting to be connected to anyone by love.
I think off all the things that schizophrenia is, how I can love and hate it at the same time and I do, but the fact that it robs my son of the ability to feel love normally, is one of the hardest parts. I'm not saying that my son doesn't love because I know that he does. However he does love differently. He doesn't love in a way that allows for a certain amount of give and take or consideration for the other person. Of all the things that I fear for my son's future, one of my biggest fears is that schizophrenia will not release him enough for him to see the joy that giving can give. I do believe that it is possible as I see it happening with others. I just can't give up hope that it will happen with my son. That given time that part of him will mature and he will learn the true meaning of what it is to love and be loved.
I was talking to my daughter this morning. She asked if she was talking to much as she enjoyed talking to me. I enjoyed her talking to me too! It was actually reassuring to listen to her talk about her life.
As the title says, I'm doing my best to be positive or to hope for the best. As far as I know my son left with a limited supply of medications. I know that his Lithium wasn't refilled however I'm not to sure about his Clozapine. I did bring it up to him however he stated that he didn't plan on taking medications once he moved so there was no need, that if he has to be on medications for the rest of his life then he might as well end it now. I did reply that some people would gladly take pills if it meant a chance to keep living however I know that he doesn't see it this way so I let that conversation end. I have supplied what information I have regarding medications and his history and hopefully the right people will read and take note of what, I think, does or doesn't work best for my son. I am very relieved to know that it doesn't look like he is going back to the same psychiatrist that he used to have. If his new psychiatrist takes any interest in his past history and my notes then hopefully things will not turn out as I am fearing they will.
So I'm doing my best to have faith. That Donna, Dad & family and his new treatment team will take care of him. One day at a time right?
Mom
BarbieBF
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