Thursday, September 11, 2014


The definition of betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral or psychological conflict within a relationship...

At the moment I'm sure a lot of people are feeling betrayed however I can only speak of my own feelings regarding this. Truth for me in any form has always been very important to me. Regardless of what my son has gone through or is experiencing I have never lied to him, or anyone else and I have certainly not done things without being upfront about what I am doing and why. Lying by omission is the same as outright lying in my eyes as the intent to deceive is the same.

This last 24 plus hours have left me feeling betrayed. Yesterday I was so mad and frustrated that honestly speaking in a normal tone was almost beyond my capabilities which really isn't like me :) I have had to emotionally step back and examine what the root cause is and it's an overwhelming sense of betrayal. Not by my son. That doesn't mean that he is not hurting me however I do understand that schizophrenia is playing it's part in not allowing my son to see the bigger picture. He can't see past his current mental state. I know that he feels betrayed by me. I wish that I could change that however at least where I'm concerned he seems to measure love by how much I can give him. If I'm not spending money on him or letting him do whatever he wants then I don't love him. 

That doesn't mean that I am not there for him as I have been for the past 15 months. There has not been a single moment where every decision and consequence has not been weighed with only one goal in mind and that is his stability and future. I am trying to give him what he needs not what he thinks he wants. A 5 year old says I want to stay up all night, drink pop/cola and watch horror movies. Do we let them just because it's what they want? No we don't because as parents we know that there is a much bigger picture and what that child needs is stability and boundaries. The child has a temper tantrum, rolls on the floor kicking and screaming telling us how horrible we are and that we don't love them. Any of this sound familiar? Unfortunately my son is 20 so his temper tantrums are not harmlessly rolling around on the floor kicking and screaming. They are putting holes in walls, breaking things, threatening physical violence and now he has the vocabulary and understanding of emotions to know how to manipulate them. I have listened to my son, lots, and I know how he measures and interprets love. Not at the age displayed on his birth certificate. One of the symptoms of schizophrenia is cognitive impairment. Schizophrenia is a mental disorder characterized by a breakdown of thought processes and by a deficit (loss) of typical emotional response. It's a splitting of mental functions. My son is unable, in my opinion, to act or react to emotions or his environment as his age implies. His emotions override rational thought on a bigger scale than is typical or normal. Because he feels something than it must be. Paranoia is a good example of this. I have marveled at my son's ability to turn a thought into reality regardless of the facts. The facts that don't serve him are quickly forgotten or ignored. As he has told me himself he just doesn't let himself think about it. One of the perks of his mental illness. I don't blame my son as it's not his fault that schizophrenia has done this however love for him is a tool that he uses to manipulate others into giving him what he wants.

So the question is. Do we give in and figuratively speaking hand over the keys to the car just because our child thinks they deserve it? For me the answer at some point has to be no. He can have my love, all that I have to give if he wants it, without monetary strings attached. BUT therein lies the problem. I'm done giving financially so I am of little use. My worth is tied to my bank card. For him it's time to move on...

It took some phone calls and piecing together to try and figure out what appears to have been going on. It's not so much what is being done but how it is being done. Before my son moved back with me, everything that I did was done upfront, not behind anyone's back. I kept everyone in the loop. I didn't hide what I was doing. I didn't not pick up a phone and inform the people involved of my actions and certainly not the very people who loved my son. It appears I have not been given this same consideration or respect. Despite the fact that I am here, everyday, talking to his care workers, trying to make plans, trying to keep my son stable, trying to make the system work for him even though he is fighting against it tooth and nail... I apparently do not warrant any consideration.

Honestly I'm pissed... Beyond pissed really. I want to yell and scream and remind everyone that despite what anyone thinks this is MY SON! And if anyone thinks that I am just going to sit back and let my son, without a fight, become the chronic marijuana smoking, percocet stealing, hallucinating, delusional boy that I brought home 15 months ago. They don't know me very well. It took me months to get him even remotely stable. I remember 16 months ago. I remember being begged to take him, now! I remember a boy who almost daily was calling me that he wanted to reincarnate, come back as a bird, so that he could fly to my window. Sending me videos from the hours that he spent doing telekinesis. I remember a boy who was so stoned at times that he could hardly talk. I remember the stolen percocets and the stolen bank card. I remember no food because he spent most of his money on marijuana. I remember sending money just so the rent could be paid. I remember sending money so that Christmas could happen. I remember being their for emotional support regardless of the circumstances. I researched medications. I researched diet and sent vitamins and supplements. I tried for months to get my son. Until one day when resources were tapped out I was told to take him! Not in a month or a week but now!

There is a much bigger picture then the circumstances that my son is currently finding himself. It took me everyday, constantly pushing, researching, working with his treatment team but we accomplished so much. He has not been inpatient in a year! He has been stable, in fact better then he has been in 4 years! He has been drug and alcohol free for long periods! He has attended school! I have done everything that I can do to not let schizophrenia have my son. I have advocated and fought even him when needed to keep him moving forward and stable. Regarding schizophrenia symptoms his worse days have been better then his best days 16 months ago.

I can only sit here and shake me head and ask wth is everyone thinking?! There is so much that I want to say. I'm trying my best to be diplomatic and fair which limits what I can unleash... I guess in the end I only have this to say. Where will my son be when the next heart attack happens? Where will my son be when one or both are inpatient or suicidal again? Who is going to keep him off of marijuana and percocets? Who is going to advocate less medications or even the right medications? Certainly not the psychiatrist he appears to be going back too. Of all the time he treated my son he couldn't even see that my son had ADHD which two other psychiatrists noted after meeting him only once. My son didn't like or respect him and certainly never listened to him. BUT he will prescribe Clonazepam or whatever benzo my son wants. Benzos that only make my son worse.

As much as I want to fight for my son it appears I have lost the fight which in my eyes means my son has lost too. Everything that I have done for the past 15 months has been for nothing. Everything that I have fought for and accomplished is now blowing uselessly in the wind. So with a very heavy heart and tearful eyes I wave the white flag of surrender...

Sorry this post probably doesn't make sense unless I state that it looks like my son is moving. Away from me and back to where he used to live 15 months ago.


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