So the question is. Do we give in and figuratively speaking hand over the keys to the car just because our child thinks they deserve it? For me the answer at some point has to be no. He can have my love, all that I have to give if he wants it, without monetary strings attached. BUT therein lies the problem. I'm done giving financially so I am of little use. My worth is tied to my bank card. For him it's time to move on...
It took some phone calls and piecing together to try and figure out what appears to have been going on. It's not so much what is being done but how it is being done. Before my son moved back with me, everything that I did was done upfront, not behind anyone's back. I kept everyone in the loop. I didn't hide what I was doing. I didn't not pick up a phone and inform the people involved of my actions and certainly not the very people who loved my son. It appears I have not been given this same consideration or respect. Despite the fact that I am here, everyday, talking to his care workers, trying to make plans, trying to keep my son stable, trying to make the system work for him even though he is fighting against it tooth and nail... I apparently do not warrant any consideration.
Honestly I'm pissed... Beyond pissed really. I want to yell and scream and remind everyone that despite what anyone thinks this is MY SON! And if anyone thinks that I am just going to sit back and let my son, without a fight, become the chronic marijuana smoking, percocet stealing, hallucinating, delusional boy that I brought home 15 months ago. They don't know me very well. It took me months to get him even remotely stable. I remember 16 months ago. I remember being begged to take him, now! I remember a boy who almost daily was calling me that he wanted to reincarnate, come back as a bird, so that he could fly to my window. Sending me videos from the hours that he spent doing telekinesis. I remember a boy who was so stoned at times that he could hardly talk. I remember the stolen percocets and the stolen bank card. I remember no food because he spent most of his money on marijuana. I remember sending money just so the rent could be paid. I remember sending money so that Christmas could happen. I remember being their for emotional support regardless of the circumstances. I researched medications. I researched diet and sent vitamins and supplements. I tried for months to get my son. Until one day when resources were tapped out I was told to take him! Not in a month or a week but now!
There is a much bigger picture then the circumstances that my son is currently finding himself. It took me everyday, constantly pushing, researching, working with his treatment team but we accomplished so much. He has not been inpatient in a year! He has been stable, in fact better then he has been in 4 years! He has been drug and alcohol free for long periods! He has attended school! I have done everything that I can do to not let schizophrenia have my son. I have advocated and fought even him when needed to keep him moving forward and stable. Regarding schizophrenia symptoms his worse days have been better then his best days 16 months ago.
I can only sit here and shake me head and ask wth is everyone thinking?! There is so much that I want to say. I'm trying my best to be diplomatic and fair which limits what I can unleash... I guess in the end I only have this to say. Where will my son be when the next heart attack happens? Where will my son be when one or both are inpatient or suicidal again? Who is going to keep him off of marijuana and percocets? Who is going to advocate less medications or even the right medications? Certainly not the psychiatrist he appears to be going back too. Of all the time he treated my son he couldn't even see that my son had ADHD which two other psychiatrists noted after meeting him only once. My son didn't like or respect him and certainly never listened to him. BUT he will prescribe Clonazepam or whatever benzo my son wants. Benzos that only make my son worse.
As much as I want to fight for my son it appears I have lost the fight which in my eyes means my son has lost too. Everything that I have done for the past 15 months has been for nothing. Everything that I have fought for and accomplished is now blowing uselessly in the wind. So with a very heavy heart and tearful eyes I wave the white flag of surrender...
Sorry this post probably doesn't make sense unless I state that it looks like my son is moving. Away from me and back to where he used to live 15 months ago.