Around 3 PM yesterday I thought to myself: I'm glad I'm on these ;)
Yesterday was my birthday...
At one point yesterday I told my hubby that I wished I had a private jet. Honestly if I did have a private jet and wasn't on my antidepressants... The day probably wouldn't have ended well ;)
On Facebook I'm part of a sharing group that helps mental health pages grow. It's a great group. When I'm sharing items through this group I follow the rules as they are. I guess I'm not following the rules when I share outside of the group. In my way of thinking what I do outside of the group is my personal choice. I don't have to share the pages that are a part of this group, on my own, if I don't want to. I do because I want to show support. Should I have to follow the rules of the group on my personal time? Personally I don't think so however that doesn't seem to matter. The problem is arising not from articles or posts that these pages are putting up that are their own but from things they themselves are sharing from other pages. I can only relate based on my own page. If I put up an article from some other site or page then why would I want credit for it? I don't. It's not mine. With the last incident I happened to share something that lots of pages were sharing, I just happened to pick a page from the group to share from, thinking that I was helping them...
I get a message from the groups admin what I was doing wrong and that perhaps it was time we part ways... I was shocked. Really? Because I shared something on my own, outside of the group, and didn't say via: 'page' then I'm not following the rules. I responded and tried to post publicly in the group my answer... It was deleted. Makes me wonder how many others are experiencing the same type of censorship.
Also I'm being told that I don't have enough original content or pictures as admin has already liked all of my pictures. There are pages with a lot less then mine which is why I'm thinking they are going through the same ordeal. I can only guess as if they tried to post publicly in the group chances are it got deleted just like mine did.
My response included what I have been doing to participate and some insight into my life recently. I got told that it sounds like I need to take a break and perhaps spend some time on my blog. ;) Ok... It sometimes amazes me that when someone actually speaks up or out that the response is 'You need a break.' Like getting mad over a perceived injustice is not allowed...
Anyways I got over it to a certain degree. Made more pictures. Loaded my page with content from pages that I have managed to find on my own where I don't have to spend the extra time tagging a page that doesn't even own the content. Don't get me wrong I still love the group. It's theme and idea is awesome...
I'm still thinking it over and about how much time I have to invest... Maybe it is time I made my own path.
While I was on the phone with my daughter, Nana called me and left a message. We haven't spoken since my son was in the shelter last time. We probably shouldn't have spoken yesterday either ;)
The message stated that there seems to be some sort of misunderstanding and that my son was not going there. I played the message for my son because I'm beyond tired of this.
After reading my last blog post I guess it became evident that something wasn't right between what my son was saying and what seemed to be happening. These are duh moments for me because to me that's fairly obvious. It all gets more confusing because there are three people with three different viewpoints and opinions on the same situation. Of all that I wrote in my last post (or said), one sentence becomes the center of attention and sadly that sentence was even confused.
"I asked my son if financially his Nana and I were the same and I couldn't provide him with the things that I do, would he want to stay with me?"
I did not say or ask: Do you want to live with Nana... I could be wrong but I'm thinking that even anyone reading my blog would probably know me good enough at this point to realize that I would be hard pressed to let that happen...
While I understand that Nana is trying to give my son a safe place it doesn't change the fact that in handling things a certain way that it gives my son the opportunity and means to stay sick. I can try to see the viewpoint and to a certain degree I do... I also see what it is causing to happen.
Nana sees that my son is cycling again... Yes he is. The problem is that by hedging around the truth , I think, this is contributing to my son cycling. It's addiction that is causing this however it's like saying: Oh well, he fell off the wagon again... Yes if you hand him a bottle he will fall off the wagon.
Other things were said... I hung up when I was basically asked to justify why I even talked to him about it all in the first place due to my insecurities... At this point I thought: What's the point? I'm not insecure. Trying to talk to my son about our relationship and where I stand with him is my right as his mother.
A little while later my son comes to me and asks me why Nana wants him to pet a horse... Bets me. I told him the same thing I told her. If they want to have a relationship based on lies or half truths or delusional thinking or whatever you want to call it, that's between them.
Now I get to watch my son be even more confused because he is getting contradictory information. In his eyes his Nana is telling him that he can go there and based on what she said to me, I can totally see where he got that idea. If you knew my son even a little bit, not saying no is the same as saying yes. Now throw in the phone message which goes against all that. So now my son is telling me that he doesn't understand why Nana changed her mind. She didn't... She just didn't have the heart to tell him no...
So addiction is ruling the roost right now. My son can't get benzos prescribed here with me in Ontario. He can in British Columbia. As of Tuesday he is refusing to take any Olanzapine. Ask my son if having a psychotic break is worth it if it means getting relief from his addiction cravings? He doesn't see his breaks as a bad thing. He doesn't care about the long term affects because he doesn't see past what he is currently feeling. I saw the after affects of his last break and how at one point he didn't even know how to put on a hat...
I don't know... I just can't love him in a way that will enable this to happen again if it can be stopped. This is another area that Nana and I butt heads over other then the tough love/unconditional love. Labels. Yes I get that no one wants to be labeled. Let's remove the label schizophrenia... hmm that doesn't stop my son from having schizophrenia does it? We can turn our backs on labels however we can't turn our backs on reality. It doesn't care if we label it or pretend like it isn't there... It is what it is...
I sometimes wonder what my readers think of my blog... Most of the feedback I get is from Nana and sometimes my daughter who gets her information/ideas about my blog from Nana. So many times even what I blog about gets messed up and I keep thinking as I blog and read and re-read, this makes sense and shouldn't get misunderstood... And then it gets misunderstood. It is my writing or is it one person's interpretation?
Mom
BarbieBF
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