Friday, April 17, 2015

I never thought the day would come...

when I would actually be somewhat thankful that my son wasn't taking one of his medications. What a contradicting feeling that is as it's not, in my opinion, for a good reason.

Early yesterday my son asked if we could go to where we buy cigarettes and exchange the ones he has as they are too strong. He has been smoking this kind for at least two weeks. Too strong cigarettes and my son are not something you can put in the same sentence, normally. The stronger the better and he is always searching for a stronger kind that gives him that 'hit' that he so enjoys. My son currently has over three cartons of cigarettes which include three different kinds. Apparently one is now too strong, one is too weak and the other... he just isn't smoking them. The ones that are too strong are the more expensive ones. I'm pretty sure the intent here was that if he exchanged them for a cheaper kind then he would have money for alcohol. I said no to going.

Awhile later he seemed ok with the idea of adjusting how he is smoking these cigarettes so that they aren't as harsh. (!) This was followed up with the statement: Nana is sending my $30. Does she know that this money is going to go on alcohol? Yes, she said not to go overboard with it and I won't. Right, because buying 1-3 mickeys (375 ml bottles) of alcohol and drinking one in less then two hours isn't going overboard... He can get a mickey for $10, so $30 would get him three plus one of the tiny bottles of whatever it is that he also gets. All of these are 40% alcohol.

For the past two days I have been watching/listening as the voices are coming back and he is laughing out loud and being distracted by them. He is of course denying it. I didn't say anything else about it to my son... I posted this on my Facebook page:

Looks like my son will be drinking tonight. Recently stopped his Olanzapine cold turkey and is laughing at voices, so let's add some alcohol why don't we. I don't know who is worse

My daughter calls me to tell me that she spoke to Nana and she isn't sending the money that she didn't know he was off his Olanzapine.


I wrote this on April 13:

Today for the first time in a very long time I had trouble getting him to take his medication. He doesn't want to take his Olanzapine any more.

I know she read this blog post because we talked about it when we spoke the following day.

I wrote this on April 14:

As of Tuesday he is refusing to take any Olanzapine.

Maybe this one hadn't been read yet...

My daughter called me when hubby and I were at our chiropractor. Can you say subluxated? Usually I'm easier to adjust. My chiropractor asked what I've been doing? My son's grandmother is trying to give me a heart attack but other then that.... ;)

My son was waiting for us in the car since he usually comes with us for the car ride. I heard him on his cell saying something like: Wouldn't you be angry if you were being forced to take pills...

So I went to bed with the thought of what a conundrum. IF he was taking his Olanzapine then he would have been sent the $30? I'm not naive. I obviously know that when he gets money at the end of the month that he will spend some of it on alcohol. I was thankful that it was two weeks away so that we would have a better idea of how he was going to react coming off the Olanzapine cold turkey. I do live in reality (my reality anyways ;)) and I know I can't stop it but to enable him and help him...

April 13:

Nana's intentions may be good and I know are coming from a place of love... When my son pulls on her heartstrings with how much he needs to drink or get high because he is so unhappy, stressed, anxious and there is nothing for him in this world... Will she have the willpower to say no? Will she be able to put aside how much she loves him and how much her heart is breaking for him to make the right decisions? Will she be able keep her home drug and alcohol free even if that means him 'going to the streets' to get it?

I guess IF I had any doubts as to the answers to above... She can barely say no when they are pretty much on the opposite sides of the country. Can you imagine face to face?

My hubby says to me that I need to do something to stop this. Like what? A restraining order of zero contact crossed my mind... Yes I'm aware that's an overreaction. ;)

My son also called Ontario Works yesterday about getting his own place. He is not happy about the amount of money he is getting. Because of the letter from British Columbia's disability stating that he was on disability out there even when he was living here in Ontario, they are considering his payments while here as an over-payment and deducting $40 from his portion. He is still getting $100 and the only thing he needs to pay for is his cigarettes which he can get for $17 a carton. I even helped pay for his last ones and bought him a carton. Plus he got $60 from the government recently. I have informed his case worker at PACT so she can follow up and try to fix it, again. His motivation for getting his own place... More money and the ability to drink and/or abuse drugs.

I get that someone might read this and think: It's just alcohol. It's not just alcohol. It's like a member of AA not wanting to be associated with a drug addict because 'I don't use drugs!'. Addiction is addiction. It's been a battle to get my son from being a chronic marijuana smoker. How long before he is again? If he wanted money for heroine or cocaine would that be ok? I would hope that that line wouldn't be crossed however I don't see much of a difference in helping him drink or helping him get cocaine when drinking/using triggers his schizophrenia. Maybe it's just me.. It just seems so obvious to me at this point...

Enough of the negative... Out of the blue my son hugged me last night! One of those rare, you can actually feel, type of hugs. I held him for a moment and asked what that was for. He feels lonely and wants a girlfriend that he can cuddle with. Yes I know... Tear at your heartstrings...

He is not going to find that in the bottom of a bottle be it alcohol or benzos. We discussed him getting out with PACT's group on Wednesday as he declined going to the last one. It was bowling. Also when they called we were in the middle of a pretty in-depth conversation about his schizophrenia and voices. I won't make this post much longer with all the details. I was curious to know if his voices have ever threatened me. He said that they have told him to kill me or they would kill him and he waited for them to kill him because he wasn't going to kill me. That when they do this he creates his own 'robots' to keep them away from him. A lot of words that would take me forever to write and interpret into language that others would understand.

I'm pretty thankful actually that I can understand as much as I do. We manage to talk out a lot of what he is experiencing and I'm able to interpret what he says into 'normal English' and sometimes give him the medical terms for what he is telling me.

Anyways I should go... It's after 12 and I have been up since 5:30 when the little one below was headbutting me to get up and feed her.

So far all I have done is the dishes. Hubby brought home some stones yesterday for the backyard and it's a nice day out. Also a couple of days ago I received my new Dyson vacuum that I ordered with my Aeroplan points that I haven't used it. So I'm off to face my day...


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