Contract, housing applications & symptoms

My son's case worker was here yesterday. Several things about that meeting are bothering me. As I stated in my last post I had spent some time looking up, printing and filling out housing applications for my son as he wanted me to do. When his case worker arrived and we started going over the applications she asked me if he was officially diagnosed with ADHD as I noted it as a secondary diagnoses along with addiction. Official? I don't know. Obvious? Yes. Why try him on Adderall, an ADHD medication, if one didn't believe that he had it? I guess if the medication worked then his psychiatrist could say: Yes he has ADHD. It triggered psychosis instead. Hmmm... So all the people diagnosed with schizophrenia who's medications are NOT working are not schizophrenic? It's diagnosed by symptoms not the success rate of medications. Wouldn't the same mindset apply to ADHD? Apparently not. Watch my son's leg go a mile a minute and tell me he is not ADHD... Another item was self-harm. Yes my son has superficially self-harmed in 2011. Apparently it's not schizophrenics but people with personality disorders that self-harm. Ahem... Please read some forums. It may not be common but it does happen. I have personal experience with someone who self-harmed. I didn't know about it, at all, and I saw this person daily. Like someone who self-harms is going to do it in obvious spots that show or tell someone that they are doing it? No, it's done in hidden places like inner thighs, under the arm and even on the torso and they certainly don't voluntarily show it to their treatment team as the shame is too great. When it's done in more obvious places then it's long sleeved shirts and no shorts in the middle of the summer or lots and lots of bracelets that cover up the wrists. Unless looking for the signs is someone going to spot this seeing someone once a week or once a month for 10-30 minutes? If not aware it's even possible will someone even think to look for the signs?

Honestly I sometimes feel so mad at professionals who have their blinders on and refuse to see or do the appropriate research into the conditions they are treating and medications they are prescribing. I don't blame my son's treatment team (maybe I do) however I think they need to be more responsible. My son was prescribed Adderall despite the warnings regarding previous psychosis and addiction. Sometimes they will only prescribe small amounts at a time due to addiction. Does anyone know the mindset of an addict? Unfortunately I do. Some will abuse the medication for a week then go the three weeks without, because they know that in three weeks they can have that high again. They have something to look forward to. Really what are weekend warriors? They are users that work all week just to let lose and use on the weekend. The week of suffering and withdrawal is worth it knowing that the weekend is coming. When I discuss drug seeking characteristics with respect to Neurontin/Gabapentin then it's no, that medication doesn't do that. Again read the forums, there are lots of them, with statements like: Taking Gaba and smoking a joint will get you super high...  It amplifies the affect of the alcohol or drug. Honestly forget what the manufacturer says... They aren't the ones abusing it (hopefully ;)). Gaba has the same addiction risk as Aspirin... Right, because no one has ever gotten addicted to Aspirin! (sarcasm) I was actually reading an article the other day on a new concurrent disorder treatment facility in a neighboring district, that treats mental illness and addiction concurrently or at the same time. They had to get rid of un-monitored hand sanitizer because alcoholics were drinking it. Cough syrup! I learned in a recovery class how common it is for alcoholics to relapse because they got sick and drank cough syrup which triggered them. Apparently some forms of NyQuil is 25% alcohol! That's alcohol. What about drug addiction? We are prescribing medications that are triggering drug seeking behavior, because the manufacturer doesn't say it can do this, and dealing with the consequences. Consequences however that professionals, in my not so humble opinion, are ignoring or lack the knowledge or insight to see. Another article I read yesterday was discussing the fact that even though the risk for prescribing benzodiazepines increases with age that seniors are STILL being prescribed them at a higher rate. Sad isn't it?

They want to keep him on the Invega injection which I understand but it's not working. That's another rant ;) I did just call PACT and left a message stating that it looks like the Invega may be wearing off again and it hasn't even been two weeks. He has been doing a lot of just lying around, doing nothing. Never a good sign with my son. I'm also noticing that him laughing, for no apparent reason, seems to be getting more frequent again. I want to be pro-active instead of waiting another week, when he sees his case worker again, and preferable before the weekend. Catch 22 on this one is that we still don't have his disability or drug card straightened out and considering how much the Invega shot is, the oral form is probably just as expensive. *sigh*

Back to his case workers visit that certainly didn't go according to plan. He ended up having attitude about signing the housing applications which started because he didn't think that the level of support that he needs from these agencies is high but should be low. Tried to explain this meant that he would get more help but no... He doesn't want more help. He refused to sign the group home application as he wants his own room. The group home gives him his own room. He doesn't want someone monitoring his medications, a memory of us discussing group homes in August I guess, so it's to late and he is already in defiant mode. When I pointed this out he tells me not to use that word anymore. He gets mad and tries to put of walls to what I'm saying since he can't defend against it any other way. He decides not to sign anything, that he will do it on his own by contacting the government on his own. We explained that these forms (not the group home one but the other two) are him contacting the government asking for assistance for low income housing. He finally relented and signed one of the forms that is applying for housing where 3-7 people share a townhouse. Still refused to sign the other application through another agency for the same type of housing. He can certainly be a conundrum as he is putting up roadblocks to getting what he says he wants. His case worker also tried to talk to him about that fact that he needs to show that he is capable of living on his own before PACT will put him into a living environment that he can't handle. Forms are being filled out that quit frankly state that he is not even capable of taking care of his hygiene without assistance not alone do grocery shopping, cook or clean. A group home is a stepping stone in this goal of his to be independent. Honestly what am I saying... He doesn't want to be independent, he wants no rules and the freedom to get high and drunk whenever he wants.

Since this visit didn't go to well I decided to do something else. I did up a Room & Board Contract between my son and I (and hubby). I think I covered anything that I could think of that has been or could be an issue between us regarding expectations. It outlines what his room and board payments cover and what he is responsible for. Respect, Privacy, Noise, Cooking, Cleaning, Drugs & Alcohol among other things have been spelled out in the contract. One day a week he has to cook dinner, do the dishes and help clean the bathroom (toilet). I let him pick which day he wanted to do these things. He picked Monday for cooking a meal, Wednesday or Thursday for doing the dishes and Friday for cleaning the toilet. He wanted to pick an 'or day' for cleaning the toilet and I said no, it's a 3 minute job. We both signed it and I gave him his own copy. Today he is supposed to clean the toilet... I didn't stipulate by what time... my bad. Haha! Sometimes I get lucky... I asked him what time and he picked 3... then picked 4... I asked why the change? He is going to be thinking about it until then anyways so 4 would be the latest that he could think about it. I'm pretty sure this is an ADHD type of thinking as it's like over-thinking yet without the action because his thoughts and nervous system are not on the same level of stimulation. I said that I didn't get it, why spend hours thinking about something when he could just get up and do it and then it is done and over with... I didn't faint... He said ok I'll do it now. I told him what to do and he did it! Score one for mom! I'm curious to see how many of these things he will do before he starts asking to be paid for doing chores. I did put stipulations in the contract stating that room & board doesn't cover candies, goodies, energy drinks etc unless previously approved. Not because I won't ever get him any but because if I let him he makes it a daily thing and he does need to start learning limits. Once he does take that step out into the real world there will be limits, expectation and rules that he will have to learn to manage and deal with. Poor kid has been getting a lot of no's lately however I can't do it all.

Maybe I will go into my rant/concerns about Invega considering the conversation I just had with my son. I asked him what is happening with his schizophrenia or thoughts considering what I have been seeing for the past two days. He says he doesn't have the want to do things like play his games. He doesn't have the want because his schizophrenia is getting in the way of him doing the things in this reality that bring him enjoyment. He told me that he has an entity standing in front of him and he wants to be able to tell me about him. We ended up discussing words like sacrament and sacrilege that I had to look up the definition for and explain to him that he is misusing words or making up meanings for them which is his schizophrenia. He shouldn't be sacrementing or killing entities. He shouldn't be dealing with them at all if he can't understand that they are not real and a manifestation of his brain producing too much dopamine. He wants to smoke marijuana and get high. I can understand that since his symptoms are acting up and getting high will ease them and give him a break from his voices or audio/visual hallucinations. If he is seeing entities than he is experiencing visual hallucinations. He seems surprisingly accepting of my explanations at the moment that it is his schizophrenia, not real and that we may need to up his antipsychotics to get rid of them before they start to irritate him. Preferable today before it gets bad enough that he may need to be admitted again. If he is admitted again then chances are he will be inpatient for at least 3 weeks which we don't want happening. It's different to have this type of conversation with my son and to have him be open and not deny that what he is experiencing could be schizophrenia. Hopefully we can get this under control before he loses this insight to symptoms. I have left another message with PACT stating this conversation and that regardless of drug benefits, I will pay for a weeks supply of medications, today, as they are needed. On a side note he did drink vodka last night :( Yah, I know. The vodka that he told me he was throwing out early last week... I guess not. I really should have gone looking for it but I have looked before and couldn't find it. I think he only had one or two shots then threw it out. This time I found the bottle in the garbage so I know he did. Side affect to this... He missed taking his Lithium and Trazodone last night and was resistant to going to bed in his own bed. I think he is learning or finding out that vodka is not helping him but making things worse, at least I hope he is. How many times he will have to test that theory? I don't want to know the answer to that. He did take his Lithium when he got up this morning so we are good for getting his medications into him. My concerns with the Invega shot... I like the Invega. He is not getting enough of it which will translate into break through symptoms which will further non-compliance as once insight goes it is gone and takes a lot of work to get it back. Having break through symptoms that can be avoided will only make keeping his dopamine under control all the more difficult.

I think talking about it may have helped my son, for now anyways, as he is now playing the Wii u!

Mom
BarbieBF

When will it be enough?

Yesterday was interesting and not in a good way. I don't know if it's the Olanzapine/Zyprexa or the energy drinks, 2 a day, that is bringing out his aggression and triggering his ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). I do know that I have been seriously questioning, again, if I should have had him released on Thursday. Per Wikipedia Olanzapine is an atypical or next generation antipsychotic similar to Clozapine and Quetiapine/Seroquel. It affects serotonin and dopamine. I'm beginning to think that between the Invega Sustenna, Trazodone and now Olanzapine that his serotonin levels may be getting adversely (negatively) affected. Although he was showing signs of aggression on Friday, before the Olanzapine (picked up on Saturday) or the energy drinks, when not getting his own way. Perhaps I'm just searching for an explanation where there isn't one and it's just my son's ODD rearing it's ugly head.

Yesterday started off like most days with him getting up around 11:30 or 12 after me putting him to bed at 5 AM. He had taken his Trazodone around 3 when I got up and had him take it so probably fell asleep on the sofa shortly after that. I gave him an Olanzapine. A little while later I don't recall if he asked or I brought it up but he wanted two Neurontin instead of one. I said no, only one as I'm not even sure that I'm supposed to be giving him Neurontin and Olanzapine as his psychiatrist wasn't clear on that. Then I get asked if we can go get cigarettes. He has over a carton of cigarettes however it is not the kind that he wants since I'm guessing after smoking rollies, the ones he used to smoke just aren't strong enough anymore. Two kinds of cigarettes and chewing tobacco = not enough. My answer was that he will have to adjust and mix up smoking the two kinds or go without. I'm not even sure what triggered the first outburst but can you say deja vu? We were outside smoking and he is telling me that he needs more money, that he wants at least $300 a month spending money. Honestly I have a problem with the attitude that the people who are working 10 hour days to cover disability payments with there taxes are worthless and no bodies. Which is what I got told they were when I reminded him that there are people working their asses off who don't have $100 a month spending money. In walks anger and I'm being swore at, being told to watch my tone and not yell, when I wasn't even yelling. I stood there for a moment in a bit of shock as I looked at my son's face, full of rage. I walked away. Next he wants $2 to walk to the store for candy. He has at least 4 different kinds of goodies not including the other junk food that we have. My answer is no because I just can't keep spending money like we have an unlimited supply. Friday I got him a new Wii u game for $75 because he decided he didn't like the one he had previously picked out and that I couldn't return as it had been opened and used, so he ended up with another one. Last night my husband ended up needing to sleep on the sofa as his restless leg syndrome is currently ridiculous at night. It's like sleeping beside mini earthquakes. My son of course is lying on the big sofa. I get up to check and my husband who is a big guy is trying to get to sleep on the love seat. I ask my son to go to his room. His answer: Let me catch my breathe. I can't say how many times I have heard that in the past when my son's ODD was acting up and anything that I asked him to do was met with defiance, not doing it just because I asked him to and purposely making me wait. He gets up and starts telling me to kick him out and send him to a shelter. Not the first time I have heard him ask to go to the shelter in the last couple of days when he isn't getting his own way. I tell him no that I'm not kicking him out and that I'm not playing this retarded game with him again. I'm being swore at again and yes this time I raised my voice and told him that he is losing the internet for swearing at me. He says he can't live here and would rather be in a shelter. So living in a shelter where he is being told what time to go to bed, what time to get up, what time to eat, with no privacy, internet, laptop, Wii and having to be up and out everyday is better then living here? Apparently yes and I'm being told to get the fuck out of his room... He ended up calling 911 asking for assistance on how to stop my illegal pestering that I was hurting his spirit. I went to put some pants on while I listened to his side of the conversation discussing that he has schizophrenia. I went outside for a smoke while we waited for the police to attend. They showed up and the first thing he was told was that there is no such thing as illegal pestering and that he shouldn't be swearing at his mom. They took there notes, chatting for a couple of minutes and asked me if it was ok that he stay. I told them that I didn't have a problem with him being here that he is the one that doesn't want to be here and wants me to kick him out to a shelter.

So now I find myself in a bit of a conundrum (confusing or difficult problem). I'm pissed. I'm pissed because I'm hurt. I'm hurt because nothing I do seems to good enough for him. Because I haven't been being strict on structure and scheduling, I'm having a hard time getting his medications in him at the appropriate times. Because I want him getting all of his medications in him he has been getting medications early as he is not up long enough in the day to accommodate how they are being prescribed. His Olanzapine is supposed to be twice a day, morning and night, with 12 hours in between. He is not getting up until between 11-2 and still wanting his next dose between 7-9. Same with his Neurontin. Yesterday I gave him his next dose early because he said he needed it.

This morning he got up and went to the sofa around 6:30 AM. When he spoke to me it was very nice... Asking if he could have the internet back. I have been sworn at three times since Friday so no I don't think so. I told him at 8:30 that he needs to be up by 9. It's now almost 10:30 and I just got his first Olanzapine in him. Several times I reminded him to take it because if he doesn't take it now than he will not get another one today. From now own he needs to take them as prescribed. He says yes then does nothing. Refuses to take it. I asked him if he was paralyzed. I asked him this because last night after the police left he stated that he couldn't get off the sofa when I asked him to because he was paralyzed. I truly don't believe this as he was capable of talking to me and he was moving around on the sofa, just not getting up, so not paralyzed. His answer to being paralyzed this morning: Yah I guess so as he is stretching and moving around. Really!? I swear my son knows exactly what to do to piss me off. Either way if he thinks that a shelter live is better then this one... Okay. No more sleeping all day. No more staying up til 3 or 5 in the morning. No more getting medications outside of their prescribed time or without his psychiatrists okay. I asked him how the shelter got him out of bed since getting him up has not been easy today. He tells me that it would be easier for him to wake up if he had something to do. Really? What did he do at the shelter? No internet there. Apparently it's still preferable to being here...

What is the conundrum I find myself? I have been told by my son's Nana that if I was to put my son 'out on the street' again that she would step in again. Granted this time I'm sure that the people that actually purchased the ticket the last time wouldn't, considering the outcome. Will this stop her? Good question however I'm not sure that it is one that I want to find out as in the long run it will be my son paying the price as he did the last time. So I'm yet again between a rock and hard place. Try to do what I think is right for the long run and risk more interference or go against everything that I believe to be right so that we don't find ourselves repeating September, October and November. If it happened would I step in to fix it again? If it wasn't for my husband I wouldn't have had the resources to do what I have done for the past two years. Maybe that is my answer. I don't have the resources to continue to fix and take responsibility for choices that I am not making. I truly believe that no one else can provide my son with the same level of care that I can. For clarification I am not saying that I am going to send my son to a shelter. I am just talking out what is going through my mind right as I weigh the pros and cons of what I should be doing next. I am weighing them because if my son decides that he would rather be in a shelter then it may happen regardless of what my intentions are. He made sure that it happened the last time so what is stopping him from manipulating and making it happen this time? Since it worked the last time why wouldn't it work this time?

My son just proceeded to punch the door entering our apartment, hard and twice for affect... Why? Because I'm refusing to give him back the internet. Good reason to vandalize someone else's property, isn't it? I got told that if I didn't he was going to lose control like he did last night when he swore at me and gave me the finger (I missed that) which he just proceeded to do yet again, calling me a fucking slut! What a sweet boy he is... (sarcasm) He was in control when he punched the door and it was obvious that he was. I can't even imagine calling my mother a fucking slut and certainly not for telling me that she deserved to be treated with respect in her own home. Sitting here with my son towering over me, giving me the finger, threatening to lose control, calling me a fucking slut while I keep my own voice neutral and I'm thinking: Am I in danger? Sadly the answer just maybe yes. Awesome isn't it!

The police just left with him and are taking him to a shelter since that is apparently where he wants to be. I tried talking to him while he was waiting for them, saying that I don't understand why he is making this choice. How is a shelter better then here? Because they can give him more. I asked what the more was but he couldn't answer, just more and that he will find out and for me to fucking shut up. I called his case worker while we were waiting and let her know what was happening and that I don't know what to do. The familiar, it's behavioral... Yes I get that but it's being motivated by something. His ODD, maladaptive or inappropriate functioning of his flight and fight response, the Olanzapine or a combination of these with his current instability? The police asked me if he can come back? I'm not kicking him out. I told him he can't come in if he is not in control and that I'm not putting myself at risk if I'm in danger. He didn't like that as in his eyes I'm supposed to lay down my life for him, needlessly if necessary. Who cares how that might affect other people in my life like my daughter or my husband? That's right we are all worthless and nobodies. He is making the choice to go to the shelter. I packed up his back pack with what I think he will need and let the police know about his medications, that he has already taken what he can for the day so if they see him taking more pills to be on the lookout as he already said something this morning about taking enough Olanzapine to get high. Can he contact me? Yes, my son knows how to contact me when he wants something, always has, even in psychosis and he now has a cell phone that I just got hooked up on Saturday under my plan. At least this one I can disconnect, with no penalties if needed. He won't contact me unless he wants/needs something because I am of no use to him when he is like this.

His case worker let me know that his psychiatrist wants him to stay on the Invega shot with an upped dosage from 75 mg to 100 mg. Can't see that going over very well but it's not my call. She will also talk to his psychiatrist and ask if the Olanzapine can cause aggression however this was starting before the Olanzapine and she doesn't think it's likely. I did finally get a call from his disability worker this morning. She is being held up waiting for clarification from disability in the other province stating that she has left them several messages with no response. She can't issue a drug card without reactivating his file and can't do that without hearing back from them. I had told her that I would call disability in the other province to see if I can further it along however now that my son isn't here to help with the call, I'm not sure how far I can get as they will want to talk to him.

So now what?.... FML... I don't know. I guess I will just have to wait and see how things play out. My son started this with I'm sure the same intend as the last time. He is most likely being driven by the want or need to self medicate or satisfy his addiction. At least that is what his case worker suggested and upon further thought she is mostly likely correct. He has never been able to satisfy it very well here but he has certainly tried his best while in British Columbia. I guess I can't blame him for wanting to take what he thinks is the easy route, regardless of the consequences. Hopefully it won't come to that again as honestly it just might take a miracle or some other miraculous event to make me put myself out there like that again. If he stays I will be there by his side like I have been and continue to do my best to give him the life that he deserves but if we repeat September... then maybe it will be time for me to let go and let him destroy his live and others in the process. I guess I can prey for a miracle. T'is the season after all...

Mom
BarbieBF

Have I been played again?

Monday night I lost the battle of keeping my son away from alcohol. He went and got a small bottle of vodka. Not that it did him any good, in fact, it seems to have made things worse and I think he sees that. I asked him yesterday to throw it out as I don't know where it is. He is hiding it somewhere in our apartment building. Mind you I haven't searched his room so for all I know it could be in there.

Wednesday we ended up in emergency and he was formed or sectioned on a 72 hour hold for observation. I don't know if the events leading up to this were real or not. My son was asking for help for what he is going through, which is good, however he was asking for me to allow him to smoke marijuana. Of course I wouldn't agree to this and we ended up discussing benzos. As some of you may be aware I am very much against my son being prescribed these as I have yet to see them do him any good. Still I found myself hesitating and questioning if I should be so strict about them if my son was in a place where he really needed them. He has been wanting Ativan/Lorazepam for awhile now and is more then willing to go to the hospital for symptoms if that means he will get them. He knew that I was relenting and willing to consider it. I was totally caught off guard when he 'opened up' to his case worker on the phone and started talking about what he had been going through for the past 4 or 5 days. My son doesn't open up like that unless he is pretty deep into psychosis and I had not see any signs indicating that he was that psychotic. Still I didn't question and as I listened my heart bleed for him. I fought to keep myself from openly crying as I listened to him talk about how he had been killing spirits and that he had felt suicidal 4 days ago. I was crushed. I felt like both myself and the system were failing my son as here he was opening up and asking for help and we were not giving him what he needed. Later that morning I was advised to take him to the ER as after his case worker had relayed the things that my son had told her, his psychiatrist advised that he needed to be admitted. My son quit happily agreed that he needed to go to the hospital. As I type this I think to myself: Wow, can I be naive!? My son want to go to the hospital... Only if there is a chance to get Ativan. I was thinking with my heart instead of my head.

So I call a cab and off we go. By mid-afternoon he was informed that he was being formed and getting held for observation. His case worker at PACT was sending over a transcript of the things that he had told her. His reaction. Surprised and somewhat upset as according to him he was only there to get Ativan. This is where I'm having trouble. I know that my son was and is experiencing symptoms and voices. I know that he is struggling. I don't know if it is to the extent that he has implied. I have been watching my son and in the past my son's face or more to the point, his eyes have tendency to give away how bad his psychosis is. He will look similar to a combination of over tired and high. His eyes will have a glossed over look. I haven't been seeing this. This time he requested that I be a part of the assessment process. Is it because he thought he had an ally this time in getting Ativan? I hate that I have to question this however when I step back and look at the facts they easily speak for themselves. Other then some excessive foot movement my son was very relaxed throughout the assessment process. He was not showing any signs of extreme duress or agitation. At one point he told a nurse, after me prompting him to be honest, that he had 27 voices. Again my heart bleed, my poor son... Now I can ask myself if he has ever had that many voices? Not that I'm aware of and his answer was so quick, without a thought. He didn't have to think and count them. An indication of truth or lie? I don't know. I can say that he didn't seem to have a problem ignoring them while he spent a significant amount of time on my cell phone looking up a new gaming system that he wanted for being there... Yes I'm naive at times ;) I'm guessing 27 voices would not have allowed that.

Thankfully his psychiatrist sent over instructions that he not be given the Ativan and Haldol that they were going to give him. Instead he received 10 mg of Olanzapine/Zyprexa. Shortly after this I had to leave and had my husband take me to Walmart to get him the Wii u that he had settled on. We are selling the PS4 to help cover the cost of it. Later that night I was getting the phone call: Can you come bring it to me now. Sorry no. We had just gone to bed and my husband had to get up at 2 in the morning to go snow plowing. The next morning I started getting phone calls at 8. Between trying to get the Wii u set up and waiting for a long time for a cab due to bad weather, I finally made it to the hospital around 11 to find out he had been moved to the psychiatric wing. On my way over there I ran into his psychiatrist in the hospital lobby. I asked him what he was planning for my son and let him know that unless he was planning on drastically changing my son's medications that I didn't think he needed to remain in hospital. I did bring up to him my concerns that I have started to question my son's motivates regarding coming to the hospital and that I'm worried he may have exaggerated his symptoms to get Ativan. His psychiatrist was somewhat surprised and said that my son had not asked him for this. No and he won't. My son is more honest with me then he is with his treatment team. He was quit open with me about the fact that he wanted the Ativan and that that is why he was there. Of course he is not going to tell his case worker or his psychiatrist this. He is much smarter then that ;) His psychiatrist did discuss the fact that what he saw when he saw my son didn't support what his case worker had reported. We discussed with my son that he would not be getting a benzo and discussed other medications. He agreed to keep trying the Olanzapine stating that the voices were all gone. Hmmm, 1 dose of Olanzapine got rid of 27 voices in less then 12 hours? His psychiatrist did bring up the Neurontin asking if my son wanted to go back on it. It wasn't said for sure one way or the other however I did start giving it to him yesterday. I will let his team know. Still waiting to hear what is happening with the Olanzapine as the prescription was faxed over to PACT to fill and they haven't gotten back to me yet. It is being prescribed as a prn or as needed up to 2 times a day.

Yesterday was an up and down day. My son and I butted heads when I refused to agree to have my husband drive him around to look at gaming systems. He had decided the Wii u wasn't what he wanted. I got told to F off and he stated that he couldn't live here... Sound familiar? I just calmly said ok and said he needed to call PACT and discuss living arrangements with his case worker. Less then 20 minutes later he was nicely asking me to help him set up the Wii u. I reminded him that he had recently told me to F off and he apologized that he had gotten angry. He has now decided to keep the Wii u! I have tried to talk to him and explain that I'm not sure any gaming system will satisfy him since him feeling like this is part of the schizophrenia. We have been through this so many times. So many items purchased that didn't give him the satisfaction he was looking for.

Last night I don't know what to think of. My husband, after working all day, had to go snow plowing again last night and since my son seemed to be doing good I let him know that I was going to take a sleeping pill if he was ok with that. I actually asked him if he was suicidal and if he would be ok if I did. He said yes. Apparently not. I forget why he woke me up the first time as the sleeping pill affect was pretty strong at that point. The second time was because he had dropped and broke a glass of pop and couldn't clean it up. I somehow muddled through cleaning that up. Not very good it seems considering the glass I picked up this morning.  I woke up on my own at 3 and did my best through my sleep haze to talk him into taking his Trazodone and going to bed. I'm not sure what he was doing at this point. The best I can figure is chanting... Yes chanting or spiritually sacramenting entities. He seems to be stuck on the word sacrament, whatever that means to him since I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what the word really means. I think it was 5 when I managed to get him to take his Trazodone which he told my husband who must have gotten home sometime between 3 and 5, that it probably wouldn't help him sleep. How do you know if you haven't tried? This type of reasoning seems to escape my son when he is like this. Anyways he toke it and was asleep when I got up at 7. Thankfully he slept until 1:40 PM and seems to be doing better today.

I don't know what to think. On some levels he is being very odd yet on other levels he seems to be regrouping or recovering. He has been playing the Wii u for the past hour or so and seems to be functioning well enough. His anger moment yesterday was short lived. I did leave a message with his nurse at PACT this morning that I don't think he is on enough antipsychotics. Speaking off, when I saw his psychiatrist at the hospital he said something about the Invega shot having been upped from 75 mg. I think he was thinking about putting my son back on the Clozapine however I talked to his case manager and let her know that I would rather him be tried on oral Invega before going back to the Clozapine. I like what I see with the Invega, it's just that the dosage doesn't seem to be high enough. Hopefully they will take my recommendation. I did just receive a call from the pharmacy letting me know that my son's Olanzapine will be ready tomorrow as they had to order it. I asked how much? $127.82. Awesome! Another call and message to his disability worker letting her know that we have been trying to get a hold of her for over 3 weeks, that my son has signed a consent for her to talk to me and that this prescription needs coverage for tomorrow. I also stated that Ontario Works will not cover him as he has a pending file with them. Fat lot of good it will do but it was worth a try or two or three... You get my point.

On another note. I'm trying to find us another place to live. It would be nice if something went easy for me! I'm hoping! There is not a lot available in our city. I have found 2 townhouse complexes that I'm interested in. One I'm really liking. 3 bedrooms, 1.5 baths, washer and dryer and unfinished basement with 1 parking spot and a back yard. $400 more a month rent however worth it to get us out of here. Plus it's not to far from the mall so maybe I can look there for a part time job once I think my son is stable enough. Another good note. My son is in the shower! He wants to walk to Walmart and exchange the Wii game I got him for another one that is online. I have bread to start so it can rise while we are gone...

Mom
BarbieBF

Salvia and psychiatrist's visit

We have had our run in with Salvia and Wild Dagga in the past when my son first came to live with me April 2013. It seems we were destined to have another run in with it yesterday.

DrugFacts: Salvia

I wrote about it in my first chapter here: http://schizophreniamomsjourney.blogspot.ca/p/1-my-big-boy-is-home.html

It produces hallucinogenic experiences that mimic psychosis. I had forgotten this and my son had already talked about wanting to get some on the plane ride home. I just told him not in the home so of course off he went to the corner store and came home with it and a pipe. I looked it up again and informed that it was a no go and why. He didn't argue and said ok to throwing it out and didn't put up a fight about me throwing out the pipe as well stating whatever didn't cause an argument between us. I would have to say I'm really liking the Invega :)

I'm not sure how much of what happened between us before he was taken to the shelter is playing a role here however he is still wanting to be out on his own. I think he still wants to do what he wants when he wants however without the attitude and since he can't do that here I think it is motivating him to want his own place. The reality is that him wanting his own place right now is not a good thing. He is not capable of taking care of himself. We are in agreement that a group home will help to teach him the necessary skills to take care of himself. He will always have people to talk to and will never be alone. He will be a part of that community and the things that they do. I assured him that this happening does not stop me from being mom that he will never lose this. I will always be a part of his life no matter where he is.

I did take a peak at some notes on the laptop yesterday... There is one dated July 30 stating not to worry that he would soon be moving to a place where he could live in peace. Kind of telling that perhaps the whole scenario was partially orchestrated by him to get what he wanted. Him telling me that he wanted me to kick him out because he didn't want to be here seems to support this. He had a goal in mind and he made sure it happened. I guess I will have to have my own guards up to make sure I don't get pulled into this type of thinking again since my son is very good at knowing what buttons to push.

My son seems to be doing much better. Yesterday there was no obvious signs of voices. No laughing for no reason. He went to the corner store by himself and he also biked to Walmart by himself to get a new PS4 game. He also came back with a speaker. Oh joy! Definitely have to get him out to buy enough cigarettes to last him awhile before his money is all gone as I gave him his bank card yesterday, letting him know that that money may have to last him 3 months since I still don't know the status of his disability file here.

When he got up yesterday the first thing he did was to walk out and pat me on the head. He does this sometimes and I think it's his way of showing me affection. He set his PS4 up in the living room and I let him know that is fine however in the evenings when my husband is home then he can't have control over the living room TV. He had trouble getting the PS4 screen to fit the TV screen so I looked it up and fixed it. He commented how I seem to be able to fix these things when he can't just like I have in the past for him. Hubby commented along the lines that I'm more then a pretty face. Yup I'm all that! ;) It felt good to have this banter happening with my son.

I made fish, rice and vegetables for dinner since I know my son likes rice and the fish is good for his brain, especially right now. He ate all of his rice and vegetables and over half of his fish. I was impressed! He even took 2 Omega 3-6-9 supplements and a multivitamin. We had discussed the Omega 3 on the plane as being part his 'very healthy life' note. While there doesn't seem to be conclusive evidence that Omega 3 helps or prevents schizophrenia there are still a lot of studies and testimonials showing that it can help with symptoms.

Omega 3 fish oils tested as preventative approach to schizophrenia with positive results

I'm really hoping that I can get him started on some healthy routines and habits now so that as he gains stability there will be less resistance to following through on them.

We discussed an appropriate bedtime. I wanted 11 however he asked for somewhere between 12:15 and 12:45 and I agreed. My son is pretty consistent in not following through or following rules... He was still up at 3 so I shooed him off to bed. Of course there was the usual me getting up to ask him to turn things down as it was keeping me awake. I'm guessing my insomnia is going to love this! As I was finally getting it under control...

His psychiatrist was here this morning. He will be doing a prescription for Trazodone that my son can take as needed. He suggested other ones like Seroquel which is a sedating antipsychotic however I said no as I know my son didn't like it the last time he was put him on it. I suggested the Trazodone as I know that he never had a problem with taking it other then not wanting to take 200 mg. He didn't mind taking 100 mg when he did take it. He agreed when the psychiatrist asked him about it. I asked the psychiatrist about his Gabapentin/Neurontin since I still have them and he said it's probably best to limit the number of medications he is taking for now. I have always appreciated the approach of his psychiatrists here to not have him on more medications than is necessary. I was worried that the amount of his Invega shot may not be high enough however he is doing better now so hopefully we can keep it at 75 mg. It appears that a Community Treatment Order is a no go for now. Even though he was inpatient for over 30 days in British Columbia, he has not been inpatient for over 30 days here in Ontario so he doesn't meet the criteria here. He has to have been inpatient for 30 days within the last 3 years here in Ontario or a previous CTO in Ontario, which hasn't happened.

Community Treatment Orders - Ontario

He wanted to call his friend to go see him however I let him know that I am saying no to that happening right now as he is unable to say no to drugs and alcohol on his own so for now I get to be the bad one and say no for him. He wanted to know why it's such a bad thing so I asked him how many breaks would he like to have? And explained that each break causes brain damage so how much damage does he want to do? If he wants to become retarded (sorry if that offends anyone) then keep going... He can't remember how to sign into online banking or how to use his visa bank card and I explained that's because his last break seems to have caused some damage. He seems fairly accepting of letting me think for him right now however I'm not sure how long that is going to last. He also seems agreeable to participating more with PACT and their group programs as I told him that that is another area that he can become a part of that community. This came up when he asked me for ideas on how to fill in his morning routines. He actually just talked to his case worker as he asked about having someone to talk to do about his personal problems so I suggested he talk to PACT. I'm hoping to further his bound with them so that he knows that they are always there to help him and support him. She is coming to see him tomorrow and they may be going for coffee!

PACT is trying to get his Trazodone prescription done and have it delivered to us by the pharmacy. Sometimes I get a little tired of having to explain how thing work to people :) I asked who was going to pay for it? The pharmacy should have his last ODSP (disability) card... Yes and they get a new card every month so the one sent out for September will not cover November. *sigh* They haven't been able to get a hold of ODSP either. We were given a number to call for medical coverage outside of ODSP and they should be calling us back tomorrow as his file was marked as urgent. *fingers crossed* they approve him. I wish I had known about this the last time as I might not have had to pay for his medications for 3 months. Oh well... Live and learn right? His case worker may even go to ODSP in person tomorrow if they can't get anywhere. I told her it's really nice to have someone do something for me for a change!

Hubby is on his way home from work and it's off to get cigarettes... Knowing my son he will also get some chewing tobacco. Yes ewww... Although he said it's better then satisfying his other addictions which I have to agree :)

Mom
BarbieBF

Discharged... What?!

That was pretty much my reaction on Friday morning when I called the hospital and was told that my son had been discharged. That my reaction was incredulous to say the least. Skeptical, shocked and mad were each fighting there way up to the surface as I was wondering who's ass I would put in that proverbial sling first. The lady in patient locating caught my obvious tone of bewilderment and fairly quickly said she would check for any notes regarding the discharge. He had been transferred to another hospital the night before. Whew! Would be an understatement on the relief I felt that he had not been discharged.

I called the new hospital and spoke to his nurse. She said that he was settled in and resting. I questioned the resting part as if he was awake and not moving I wouldn't call it resting. I asked if he was sedated and she said no he hadn't had much medications. I should have asked her if she noticed his foot going a mile a minute which I'm sure it was. I was asked if there was any foods that he liked because he wasn't eating and 'Was that normal for him?'. Sometimes I want to ask if they have any experience with psychosis from working in a psych ward? Because honestly I have to wonder. He is not eating because he is in psychosis. Hello! Anyone home up there? It reminded me of when my son was hospitalized last September (full psychotic break) and a nurse said to me 'Your son thinks you are trying to kill him. Do you know why?' I guess the diagnoses paranoid schizophrenia went over some peoples heads.

I patiently explained that yes it is normal for my son not to eat when he is in psychosis. He is to far in his own head or in psychosis to eat. Same with resting... He is not resting. I would bet my live on it that his mind or thoughts were racing a mile a minute. I was told that there was a patient phone that I could call and they would get him up to answer it. I said no I would wait a couple of days. Based on what I have seen in the past and what I was being told, there was no way that I was going to try and force my son to have a coherent conversation when he is obviously not up to it. Trying to force his brain to deal with reality before medications have a chance to work would be putting more stress on his brain which was certainly not needed, in my opinion.

I did let the nurse know which medications I believed would help to get him stable. Let her know that Trazodone would help him sleep and that Neurontin/Gabapentin helps a lot for his anxiety. All the while thinking that I sounded like a broken record since I had just done this less then a month ago and several other times over the past two months. I also gave another heads up on his actual diagnoses being paranoid schizophrenia with concurrent disorders. One being addiction so be careful with benzo's. I also gave a heads up on no stimulants for his ADHD - his foot going a mile a minute.

I just talked to my son on the patient phone. A fairly short conversation but at least he is still managing to respond to my I love yous. I asked him if he knew why he was in the hospital. He said because he hasn't been taking his medications since he went out there. I asked if he remembered hitting his grandmother. He stumbled and fell because he was almost dying although he doesn't know why he was almost dying. I seriously hate this disease at times like this. What it does to the mind and memory. If he can't see what schizophrenia is causing him to do... If he is sheltered from the reality of what he is capable of doing when he is in psychosis, how will he ever know what it is that we are fighting against and what the medications are helping to stop? I think he needs to know. He needs to know and see what schizophrenia is capable of making him do.

Still I set here questioning myself and not taking action. Honestly I can't believe I'm not following my gut on this... Like I haven't learned to trust it yet?! In life I think the things we feel the most quilt over are the things that we didn't do as apposed to the things we do wrong. We can sometimes be lucky enough to fix the wrongs that we have done but we can never go back and do what we should have done in the past. Will I have to deal with the guilt of doing nothing? God I hope not. I know why I'm not doing what I think is best. It's because I'm not sure of the support that I think that I should get to accomplish what is needed. As long as there is 'interference' then I will never have the assurance of knowing that bumps in the road are just that. Even if I decide to get guardianship, my son will always fight to take the easy road instead of centering on his own recovery. Round and round my mind goes...

Mom
BarbieBF

On pins and needles

Due to rain my hubby was home from work yesterday so we all went to see Guardians of the Galaxy. It was pretty much what I thought it would be before I heard that it was a great movie. I think I would probably have enjoyed Maleficent much more. My son seemed more interested in the three Lego figurines I got him at the movie theater, although he did say that he thought it was a good movie. These Lego figurines instigated us making a trip to Walmart for Lego. My son picked out a kit for a house and I picked up a small kit to make a 'power digger' for my hubby since he is in construction and is an heavy machine operator. I actually had fun putting it together and he put it on our night table.

My son had fun putting together his three figurines and moving furniture around looking for the pieces he kept dropping. He had stated that he wanted to put the house together with me however I think sometime in the middle of the night he must have changed his mind...

On Monday one of my son's workers stopped by for a quick visit. I told her that at the moment my son is the least of my concerns however he is still a concern :) He has been doing good. Still sleeping in his own bed, so it's been 10 nights, although I use nights loosely as he doesn't go to bed until sometime between 4 and 6 AM. He is not making as many messes and is attempting to clean up after himself. His room is starting to look like another tornado hit it. He can't seem to manage reaching his garbage can or laundry basket. I had forwarded him an email from the YMCA asking if they should be closing his file with them as they can't keep his file open with no activity or progress to report. I feel that he needs to be the one to respond and take responsibility for the choice to not attend. I don't know if he answered it but I'm guessing that he didn't.

When we did grocery shopping last Sunday my son asked if they had anything in the vitamin section, like a herb, to help him with his anxiety. I have tried in the past to help him with this by getting him an herbal tincture however he abused it so I had to throw it out. I take a lot of supplements and vitamins and have been trying to get him to take them as well however he refuses. He even refuses a multivitamin. He has on several occasions stated that he wants some sort of muscle relaxer. Yes he is still looking for that quick fix. In my opinion it's his nerve system that is causing his muscles to be tense. He is either under or overstimulated or some combination of the two. To treat the symptom and not the cause is not going to help him in the long run. 5-HTP caught my eye and his too. 5-HTP is an amino acid that the body produces naturally and I do believe helps to regulate or produce serotonin which helps to regulate mood. I agreed to let him try it as long as he doesn't abuse it. So far it doesn't appear that he is abusing it. He noticed a couple of hours after taking one that he felt more relaxed. I noticed this too as usually even when he is just sitting/lying on the sofa his foot is in constant motion and that night it wasn't. I am trying not to micromanage him taking his pills however I am counting how many are in the bottles every now and then. I also handed him over his Gabapentin/Neurontin on Friday. The first night 5 went missing. He says he put them in another pill bottle. He seems to be on track with his 100 mg Clozapine however his Invega and Lithium are not adding up. I haven't counted his 25 mg Clozapine.

This morning my son and I butted heads as he was still up when I got up at 5:30. Of course not being particularly coherent myself I triggered his ODD when I told him he needed to take his pills and go to bed. According to my son he doesn't need them and that is why his psychiatrist is weaning him off them because he knows that he doesn't need them. Delusional or manipulative? I don't know. Somehow he pulled his friend into the conversation and it was his friend's fault that he had no friends that his friend treats him like crap... I won't say what else he had to say as I'm pretty sure it was being motivated by negative emotions rather then an honest opinion of his friend. As I said I wasn't being particularly coherent and I managed to hurt his feelings by saying something about me doing what I'm doing because I love him and if he can't see that then there is something wrong with him. I meant this in terms of maturity and I tried to tell him that however he took it to heart. Told me to kick him out because he can't handle being here and he would rather be out on the streets. I told him that I am tired of having to walk on eggshells and monitor everything that I say because he can't handle some truth. I'm not going to kick him out on the streets so that he can use that to manipulate others into feeling sorry for him. If he wants to go then go but I'm not telling him to. I don't know if it was lack of sleep, having not taken his pills yet or something else (psychosis) but his eyes were telling their own story. He did go to sleep a short time later.

As for why I am on pins and needles... I think I have spoken some about my downstairs neighbors and their excessive noise. I don't know if I have spoken about the verbal harassment. Saturday I got a pretty big scare. The lady from that unit tried to forcibly enter my apartment as she thought that I had called mental health services on her and freaked out when they tried to contact her. It turns out a police officer that had attended for my previous noise complaint had contacted them. Accusing me of putting an eviction notice in her mailbox that was obviously from the building management and not me, among other things, made them question her mental health. Long story short this has been going on for some time now and whenever I try to get it to stop I'm being verbally harassed by them and having to deal with physical outbursts like banging on walls and what happened on Saturday. Saturday being the second time she has approached my apartment in an aggressive manner. After me almost losing it in front of a police officer and him seeing how afraid I was, something is finally being done about it. I think the charges will be criminal harassment and mischief, once they arrest her... She has been avoiding being arrested since Sunday. The quiet is somewhat unnerving and not knowing where she is has got me more then a little tense. As grateful as I am that something is being done I'm more afraid to leave my apartment alone then I was before as she and her husband have to be pissed at me. On the bright side, they have both been warned to not communicate with/at me and my family or they could both be facing further charges. So now it's a bit of a waiting game and if she doesn't appear they may have to issue an arrest warrant. Hopefully for her sake it doesn't come to that. In the meantime I'm jumping at every sound in my hallway... *deep breathes*

The YMCA called me a little while ago. I told them to close his file for now since he obviously isn't going to follow through on dealing with this. His nurse also dropped by about an hour ago and he went out to talk to her and grab his Clozapine that PACT picked up for him. I'm waiting for some dough to rise and telling myself that I don't need another cigarette! I have been smoking way to much lately. I think it's time for a herbal tea before I start making dinner.

Mom
BarbieBF

Serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

I wear the Serenity Prayer on a charm on my necklace. My mom bought it for me in 2001, not long before she passed away, when I was on my first attempt to get clean from addiction. It held meaning for us both then and today I find myself revisiting it's meaning yet again.



Above picture credit to: Etsy

My normal optimism had deserted me for a little bit. I tried to blame it on PMS which I'm sure played it's part but I also recognize that there are things going on that are making me feel sad. My daughter left yesterday to go back home with her dad. I miss her already. This journey I find my son and I on is, as usual, keeping me on my toes but underneath all that is a sadness that has been building up for some time now. I find myself reading and rereading these words and realizing that once again I need to apply it's wisdom to my own life.

A couple of days ago my mom's birth sister contacted me wanting to met up with my sister and I at an Elvis Festival going on this weekend. For those who are not aware an Elvis Festival is were Elvis Tribute Artists (ETA's) compete and show their love for Elvis Presley. For several years my older sister and I bonded and rebuilt our relationship through a mutual love of Elvis's music. Granted I had no idea about any of this the first time my sister asked me to go to Akron to see an ETA with her. Go where? To see a what? I still chuckle over the memory of that conversation. Anyways fast forward to January of this year and we had a falling out. Sadly over money and other things. I take full responsibility for the falling out as it is my quest for answers that has caused this rift. I find that without the answers, or proof of the answers I am getting, that I am unable to continue the relationship. Add in years of hurt and misunderstandings and I now find myself without not one but two sisters. My younger sister has also cut off communicating with me and I can only guess that it is a result of the falling out with my older sister as we were communicating up until that point. Since then she has not responded to me so I can only assume since she won't even confirm one way or the other her reasons. I have tried to put it behind me and I try to pretend like it doesn't hurt since the choice to walk away was mine. Well enough of pretending. It does hurt and it hurts more then I thought that it would. Not so much the current rift but the reasons leading up to it. So I read the words of the above prayer. I had finally found the courage to ask the questions that had been haunting me for a very long time. Questions that are still in my mind unanswered. Now I need the serenity to accept what I cannot change. Family can be hard sometimes. I see it also with other blogs that I follow. Hurt and misunderstandings that get in the way of the love that we share. Our own hurts and their hurts. Walking away doesn't lessen the pain nor the love so I guess acceptance is what we are left with and hopefully having the wisdom to know that which we cannot change can bring us the serenity that we seek.

I'm afraid we missed our appointment today with Ready4Life. We were 15 mintues late and just missed her. Rescheduled to Friday. Still have to get him down for blood work.

My son's psychiatrist appointment yesterday went well. We discussed, or I tried to discuss, my son's diagnose(s). Officially schizophrenia with concurrent disorders... The concurrent disorders being unofficially addiction, ADHD and ODD and per my son OCD. As my hubby sometimes jokes 'So we are playing the alphabet game.' Really in the end they are only letters of the alphabet. As long as we are taking care of symptoms or helping to lessen the 'stress' that he is going through then we are doing our jobs. My son agreed to a switch from Risperidone to Invega. No change in his Clozapine and we need to try and get him back on his Neurontin. His pdoc expressed concerns to my son that we do not want him relapsing and what he is currently experiencing may be an indication or leading up to what his previous breaks have been.

I find myself yet again at an acceptance crossroads. I have had to re-evaluate my own acceptance of my son's schizophrenia. My son has schizophrenia. There is a sadness yet a serenity in my own coming to terms with this. Accept the things I cannot change. There are so many things that I cannot change at the moment. His Nana's feelings towards me. That my daughter is there and not here. That my sisters are not currently a part of my family life. That we are in a lot of debt and my downstairs neighbor seems unable to keep her base from vibrating my floor. ;) Figured I would through the last two in there. However there are things that I am now learning to have the courage to do. I have been able to make my family, my husband and my children, the priority that they need to be in my life. I am doing my best to increase mental illness awareness and to help those that I can even if it's only to show support through my own experiences. I am where and who I need to be. As for my son's schizophrenia: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it... However I can and I will continue to be, to the best of my ability, the support that he needs me to be.

Mom
BarbieBF

Oops. Things not always as they appear...

Most of the time I think I have a pretty good grasp on what is happening but sometimes I have to acknowledge that I can be wrong. Yes I can do that ;) Yesterday my son asked me if I had seen his vaporizer as he thought someone had stolen it. I told him that I had it and why. He had a good explanation. During our last grocery shop I bought him a light wave speaker. He is using the charged vaporizer to power the speaker so that he can move it around with him. He pointed out that he can't use the vaporizer for weed as he would have to make it into liquid first. Yes I know but I couldn't rule out him doing this. So for now the use of the vaporizer has been explained.

My son is struggling right now and I'm not to sure how to help him. He told me yesterday that he has been asked to not attend the YMCA for schooling as he is not progressing. I will have to call or email them on Monday as I'm thinking there is a little more to it then that. I remember when he had his first appointment with them to sign up, being told that they have some who have been there for a long time as they can work at their own pace, so I'm not to sure I understand what is happening. Perhaps he is being nudged into applying himself more? He said that he can't do it so he will have to start looking for a job. If he can't apply himself to 6 hours a week schooling then chances are he can't apply himself to learn a job. He seems to think that working is easy and takes no mental effort. Delusion or immature thinking? Since he doesn't have much personal experience to draw from on this then I'm thinking lack of experience or immature thinking. We both agreed that he will have to learn for himself that it does take mental effort to do a job.

He said that he can't put into words the 'stress' that he is currently experiencing that maybe one day he could explain it to me so that I can understand. Personally I don't think that he even understands the stress that he is feeling as he doesn't want to or can't understand the negative impact of symptoms. It's times like this that I myself have to re-evaluate my opinion on whether or not my son has schizophrenia. I explained to him that there is more to schizophrenia then positive symptoms like hallucinations and voices. There is also negative symptoms which get in the way of people's ability to cope with normal life stresses. On the surface his life can not, in my opinion, get much easier. I pointed out that he was doing great up until the Adderall and nothing else has changed so it's his inability to cope that needs to be looked at. I took a leap and suggested that maybe we need to look at upping his anti-psychotics for a little bit until things can get under control again. He doesn't want to be on pills for the rest of his life. 'I would rather die...' My heart hurt when I told him that he may need to be on pills for the rest of his life if he does in fact have schizophrenia.

He seems to understand that he needs help however he wants to be prescribed benzodiazepines even though he knows that he will not have an easy time getting them. He also doesn't want anti-depressants. I know that he doesn't like being on the Clozapine and doesn't want to be on another anti-psychotic since in his eyes he doesn't need them. I don't know how to help him come to terms with this and I am afraid to push and cause his ODD to flare up. I don't know if it's his ADHD or schizophrenia symptoms but for the past couple of days he has been pretty jittery. Not really hyper like I have seen where he is punching his bed or hitting walls or jumping like a 5 year old but like a muted undertone of something not right. Maybe it's time to look into another medication. I know that he has been tried on a lot of them but they were during times of chronic high marijuana use and nothing seemed to help except the Clozapine. I have heard of some good results with Latuda. It's an atypical or new generation AP that seems to work on blocking or antagonizing dopamine D2 receptors. No I don't really understand exactly what this means except that it helps to limit the amount of dopamine my son's brain has to work with. Clozapine is also one. I look at these things as I believe my son's brain produces too much dopamine and especially after the Adderall certain types of medications will do him more harm then good.

Because of his legs going pretty non-stop I asked him last night if he wanted a Neurontin. The last time I gave him one he didn't take it so I'm never to sure if I should be giving it to him or not however I do know that despite his tendency to try and abuse it that it does help with his anxiety and it does seem to help keep his mood more stable. It works on the central nervous system. I'm hoping that he took the one that I gave him last night. He was up this morning when I got up just before 6 stating that he had been asleep for a couple of hours but woke up and was just having a smoke. He seemed too alert to have already been asleep. His pill dish was empty and he is sleeping sound now so I'm guessing he took them shortly before I got up. One of the benefits to my insomnia is that being up and down all night allowed me to keep a closer eye on him so that I could nicely nag him into taking his pills and going to bed. Maybe knowing that my daughter is around and can get me up if needed is allowing me to sleep better.

I almost feel like we are on a precipice or the edge of a cliff and I don't know if we are going to go over or manage to shuffle ourselves out of harms way. I don't know how to move us forward and away from this edge without causing harm yet I also feel that if we don't move forward then we will inevitably succumb to gravity and fall of the edge anyways. We can not stay teetering as we are. Perhaps I can but for my son it is not a good place.

Mom
BarbieBF

A glimpse, a pleasant surprise for a change.

I managed to get some laundry done, although I did keep forgetting about it and even had a nap in between which is rare for me. My daughter and a friend were watching Pretty Little Liars on Netflix, my son was sleeping, the downstairs neighbor wasn't blaring her music and I just couldn't keep my eyes open. Made two loafs of bread, one was chocolate chip and banana and the other was whole wheat with sunflower and flax seeds that we had with supper. Did a quick vacuum and wipe down of the bathroom. I think I need to get some new filters for the vacuum or see if the hose has something stuck in it as it's not picking up like it should. All in all a pretty quiet and uneventful day.

My son slept til about 4:30 PM and woke up in a pretty good mood which I wasn't really expecting. I was mentally holding my breath for the unfair laptop discussion. He did eventually ask to talk to me in private as my daughter's friend was still here. It's conversations like this that seem to pull at my heartstrings, perhaps more so then seeing him not doing well. I don't know if it's because I think I'm seeing a glimpse of the man he is capable of being. Calm, reasonable and open. He was sorry that he couldn't get up for school that he has been going and plans to continue going, he just really couldn't get up. He says that he had taken his meds earlier in the night but still had problems getting to sleep and didn't until sometime between 6 and 7. Perhaps the missing Lithium did contribute, although I doubt it, but for sake of keeping things calm I let it slide. I asked him why he hadn't woken me for a Trazadone since he does have these to use as needed for sleep. He didn't want to wake me. Nice of him however he usually wakes me for some pretty mundane things so I told him next time to wake me. As for the laptop. I backed down some. I appreciate him approaching things like this and try to meet him in the middle where I can. He could not have it back yesterday as that was the day he did miss school however I agreed to him getting it back today. He agreed that that was reasonable. I have to say I like being pleasantly surprised for a change as it doesn't happen very often. I caution myself though as I wonder if this pleasantness has anything to do with me wanting him to work with Ready4Life, a way of appeasing me. It's hard to tell and I really do dislike the fact that I even have to question his motives but as I have said before: He usually warrants an A++ in manipulation. Still... I am proud of him for being reasonable about it.

He was somewhat hyper in the evening. He still has that $140.00 in his wallet plus money in his bank account, yes surprisingly, and he has gotten it in his head that he wants to buy an expensive watch. He has a thing for lighters, pens and watches. Hubby was too tired to take him last night so maybe tonight. The quicker he spends this money the better as it going on a watch is much better then it going on marijuana or alcohol. I guess my insomnia is behaving, wahoo!, as I slept pretty good and didn't notice that he had not gone to bed until I got up at 5:30 this morning and he was still up. I had even given him a Trazadone in the dish with his other pills last night so that he could get a good nights sleep. He forgot to take them. Thought that he had but didn't. A little unsettling however I try to remind myself that recovery takes time and his mind must still be racing some. Or it's ADHD getting in the way. So many variables to consider. Because of his hyperness or excess energy I reminded him that he has Neurontin/Gabapentin and got him one. He took his pills minus the Trazadone and shortly after that said he was going for a nap now that he has taken his pills. I did give him back his laptop this morning. He seemed happily surprised when I brought it up, like he had forgotten about it. I know a lot of parents don't like their kids spending too much time on their computers however I don't like it when my son doesn't want to spend time on his. It's usually a sign that he is in his own head too much or his thoughts are racing too much.

Another one of my son's workers called yesterday as someone usually sees him Monday afternoons. When I told her that he was still sleeping that he had been up all night, she right away asked if I wanted her to set up an appointment with his pdoc. I told her what his main nurse thought however the simple fact that she seemed to recognize that my son's current sleeping habits are not a good indication of where he is at, appeased me a great deal. She said that she would make note of it and bring it up at today's meeting of the staff.

It's 1 PM and I should wake the kids up. If I let my son sleep all day he may have problems getting to sleep tonight and tomorrow is school. Will probably have to deal with him wanting me to walk to the mall with him to buy his watch. Hopefully I can talk him into waiting until hubby gets home as hubby and I have to go out and see our chiropractor today as well.

Mom
BarbieBF