Yes that's me....
The one that is sitting at home putting away groceries and doing laundry while everyone else is off doing their thing.
My daughter is at the mall, 'running away from home' or me. Dare I say, being a brat.
Something that I haven't shared about the amazing birth of my grandson is that several days after his birth I became his primary caregiver.
As of yesterday I am now supervisor... In my eyes I don't really see much of a distinction in the two roles as my daughter is still limited to two or three hours a day of unsupervised time with her son.
I feel stuck. Stuck in a situation of my own choosing because of the things that I think are important. Family.
Over the last several months I have heard more times than I can count phrases like: You're a homebody and don't like to go out. You are home anyways. You want to be home. You don't like going on these outings.
Yes I'm a homebody. I love my home and have little reason to seek enjoyment or anything else outside of it. That doesn't mean that I don't enjoy getting out of it. That doesn't mean that there aren't times when I want to 'run away' from the stress and responsibilities that are here. That doesn't mean that I don't want to spend some one on one time going for a drive with my husband.
My daughter and I have been butting heads for the last little bit. Mom speaking up doesn't seem to go over well with my children. :)
Any relationship needs a certain amount of give and take. Right now I'm feeling like a much worn out doormat. Feed him, change him, put him to bed, babysit... But don't tell me that I'm not burping him right (at all), getting up with him or question any of the other decisions that I'm making.
If she was living on her own then making decisions on what items to get rid of or what trips she would like to take or even her sleep schedule would be completely in her control and the consequences of those decisions would be completely on here. Such is not currently the case.
Yesterday it was about how she was feeding him. Today I have set her off by commenting on the fact that she is wanting to give away something that I use every morning to feed her son. Is it hers to give away? Absolutely. That's not really the point. Being an adult doesn't mean making decisions without taking other people into consideration. Certainly not the people that are there everyday. However when I say something I'm treating her like a child.
The other thing that is gnawing at me is money. I'm not asking for a lot considering we are helping out with pretty much everything. So yes when I see/hear my daughter talking about doing things with her money when I'm looking at the fact that we don't have enough money right now to cover what is coming out on the 1st, I tend to get a bit edgy.
When I comment on these types of things well she gets to go to the mall while I get dropped off at home to put away the groceries. When I let lose some of that frustration my husband walks out slamming the door.
Why did it frustrate me that she was going to the mall? She doesn't have a key so even as she is getting away from me and my criticism she is counting on me to be there when she gets home. Why? Because I love being at home. How much you wanna bet that right now I would rather be somewhere else?
Guess what... Where am I going to go and with whom? I don't have any friends. I don't have a life outside of the home because years ago I made the choice to leave my job, stay at home and eventually dedicate my life to my family.
My husband gave her his key. Called and asked if I wanted to go with him on his next drive about. My first thought: Hell yeah! Guess what? That will be leaving my daughter unsupervised for a lot longer then two or three hours. I'm the only one that thinks like that. :(
Recently she was visiting family and I'm pretty sure got used to barely being supervised at all. No that wasn't a good thing... She did however become more comfortable in the role of motherhood. That tends to happen when you are expected to do...
Now the honeymoon phase of her return is over and I'm trying to yet again find that balance between support and enabling.
Why can't I expect to be treated like others? Given a certain amount of respect and consideration? Not be lashed out at just because I make a comment that isn't to her liking? Why can't I expect her to step up without all the attitude?
So yeah as I listen to my daughter and husband talk about her working outside of the home. Getting baby daddy a job. My daughter looking down on the job I do have because I don't get paid frequently. My husband saying: Why can't you get a job?
Yes I guess I could if I wasn't the proverbial housewife.
Anyways, some laundry is calling my name. Thanks for listening.
Mom
Gramma
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Showing posts with label Respect. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Respect. Show all posts
Sunday, February 26, 2017
Thursday, October 22, 2015
What Does Society Teach? A Budget and Peppermint Oil.
The last couple of days I have been literally aching from head to toe as I have been hit with a cold. I haven't been working either as I have been doing my best to keep any talking to a bare minimum. Talking equals coughing. I have however discovered a wonderful cure to sinus congestion in peppermint oil. Knock on wood :). For the first time in my life-time of colds I have not had to deal with a runny nose or sinus congestion for longer then 5-10 minutes. As soon as it starts I put a dab on my finger and rub it in all around my nose and sinuses.
Dealing with my sore throat has not been so easy however I have been trying to be as pro-active as I can be. Lots of tea with honey, lemon and turmeric. Advil for my low grade fever and body aches. I was hoping to get back to work today however I'm having my doubts that will happen.
I may have to make a decision soon about work. I haven't been paid in over a month. Hubby and I were discussing a budget the other day so I took the time to write out how much we owe and how much our minimum monthly expenses are. We owe $43000. Our monthly expenses run around $5000. Add in extras like car maintenance, chiro or even us going out for dinner...
I don't even mind so much that I haven't been paid in a bit as I knew going in that this could happen. Still I can't let my boss get too far in dept with me either. It's dealing with some of the frustrations that make it not worth it. I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons of what I'm getting to what I could be getting. Yes I'm working from home and it's pretty cool to be doing that. I wanted to be able to continue to provide a certain level of care to my home and husband. Most importantly making good healthy dinners and spending our evenings together.
The last schedule change that my boss wanted... He wants me to work somewhere in the neighborhood of 9 am - 10:30 am, 11:30 am - 2 pm then 4 pm - 7:30 pm Mon-Thurs. Umm not! Plus it's a 6 days a week job. For the most part I don't mind as my husband usually works 6 days a week. Still I have dedicated most of my live to a job before and I'm not doing it again.
The pros... I get to work from home. What I've started to call my morning shift ;) I sometimes do in my PJ's. I can bake bread in between making calls. No one is micromanaging me.
The cons... I can work outside the home for less days with a more secure payment schedule.
I'm refusing to work past 6:30 pm. The other day I logged in and booked an appointment that had been confirmed through email. Through a pounding headache, tear filled stinging eyes with my body aching; I was trying to be responsible and keep an eye on my email... I booked an appointment without cc'ing someone that needs to be cc'd. Will I made a critical error... Why yes I did. I worked when I shouldn't have been working. I haven't logged in since. Things like this may be easier to take when your actually getting paid and not having to deal with the BS of someone not giving you the tools or knowledge to do your job properly.
Yes I know: The grass isn't greener on the other side... I think I take back most of the bitching I did about my old job. Every company has it's BS.
My son:
I found out on Friday that he was taking a bus to British Columbia on Sunday. Ontario to British Columbia is a 3 day bus ride.
2 weeks ago I had attended a group through the Schizophrenia Society and spoke to some of the others about how to go about getting my son admitted to hospital through court order. As usual it was a frustrating experience as everyone kept telling me that the hospital etc should have been telling me what to do. Well they weren't even with me asking for guidance. That included the PACT team. So even though I figured I had a bit of a fight ahead of me I still wanted to look into it.
I had been under the impression that my son was taking some medications as his nurse had told me that according to a worker at the shelter he was taking some. I knew that he wasn't taking care of his personal hygiene as I was helping with that when I saw him. I would get him to change his cloths and I would use wipes to clean his pits and face. Once I even took in Q-tips and had him clean his ears. Of course I had to do all this in the car since "Clients were not allowed to receive visitors".
Friday my son says to me: By the way I need to come and get my stuff because I'm going to Nanna's tomorrow. Both my husband and myself worked Friday and Saturday. Saturday I packed up what stuff he had here and took it to him. He asked if he could come home for the night and I agreed. I went into the shelter to collect his stuff and he had taken most of his cloths and electronics with him. There was nothing to collect and he was even wearing someone else's cloths and shoes.
I had thought that maybe my son and I could spend the evening together watching TV. It was after 9 by the time we got home. The first thing I had him do was put on some of his own cloths to find out that the shower he was supposed to have taken several days before wasn't obviously a good shower. He still smelled really bad. His hair and nails had been cut by his nurse from PACT. How he missed how bad my son smelled, I don't know.
I knew that my son's addiction had progressed from alcohol and marijuana to possibly cocaine and morphine. At one point I had brought one of his leather jackets home to try and clean and deodorize it but I had to throw it out. In the lining I found a baggy of white stuff. He thought he was buying cocaine. I think he got aspirin and bath salts. He did on one occasion tell me of a really nice guy that introduced him to morphine, he even had clean needles.
So many times I have fought the urge to bring him home. Canadian Thanksgiving I almost did. That morning I was going to... Then I thought it all through. To what end? I have no control over his money and therefor his ability to drink and use. When he drinks he becomes completely unmanageable in the home and puts everyone at physical risk. It would be 2 weeks of withdrawal, attitude and hopefully him just starting to get even on medications again before he got in another $600 from disability. And around it goes again. That's providing I could even keep him in the home that long.
Within 15 minutes of me bringing him home on Saturday he had spilled milk and juice all of the floor. By 10 he was outside in the back yard punching the walls. According to him he was doing art. I'm not sure either one of my neighbors that have young children were appreciating his form of art.
The fun part was when I decided to go through his backpack. The smell alone was enough to make me want to be sick. A couple of bottles of alcohol. One was almost full. My son not drink his alcohol! He was out of it to not remember that he had it. In the end I ended up tossing it and my husband went and got him a new one the next morning.
What else did I find? Lots of new needles in sterilized packaging along with Stericups... Sterilized cups for cooking your drugs in. Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for teaching addicts to be mindful of the transmission of diseases while they are shooting up. But seriously! Here's a new needle and cooking pot, don't forget to use an alcohol wipe first before you shot up with hands that are brown from nicotine and a months worth of build up body odor surrounding you. Come on! Really! I think they need to expand on these items to include a self-care manual with a toothbrush, toothpaste and at least some hand sanitizer and body wipes.
I didn't get to spend the evening with my son watching TV. I did get to spend until about 3 am with his voices. I have never seen them so bad. It was a constant dialogue between him and them. All you could hear was him whispering/talking to them under his breathe along with sporadic outbursts of laughter. Once I walked into the kitchen to him cocking and shooting a pretend gun.
He did take his medications when I gave them to him and finally they shut his voices up at around 3. Oh yes the medications I had been told he was taking. I picked up a months worth of unopened medications packages dating back to Sept 15.
I had been complacent again. After the last time his grandmother had said she wasn't taking him I thought I had some breathing room. I figured it was just a matter of time before he was admitted to hospital again. With that admission I was going to push for a reevaluation of his diagnoses since the PACT team was refusing my request. I would have also tried pushing for some sort of temporary decision making capabilities until I could further figure out how to get power of attorney through the mental health courts.
Sometimes I shake my head at myself because I really should know better. Everything was just too quiet. Whenever I asked my son if he was talking to his grandmother he would say not a lot. The PACT team stopped calling me. My son stopped asking to come home... Really that should have been enough for me to know. Hindsight is 20/20.
What bothers me the most is that I wasn't deemed worthy enough of so much as a phone call to say: Hey, I'm making arrangements for your son... I don't care what one wants to think of me personally. You can think I'm scum of the earth if you want to however the fact remains that I'm the one that carried him for 9 months and gave birth to him. The alone deserves a minimum amount of respect and consideration.
I wasn't deemed worthy enough of a phone call to say he made it there either. He did by the way.
I'm not sure how I feel about him being there. As I have been going through my own journey of letting go of things that I can't change, I know that I can't change or fix his addiction and therefor his mental health. I wasn't willing any longer to turn my home and world into circus to accommodate him. His grandmother is. Would I rather him be with her then where he was? Yes.
I don't think that it's going to have a good ending however I accept that this is what they both want.
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Dealing with my sore throat has not been so easy however I have been trying to be as pro-active as I can be. Lots of tea with honey, lemon and turmeric. Advil for my low grade fever and body aches. I was hoping to get back to work today however I'm having my doubts that will happen.
I may have to make a decision soon about work. I haven't been paid in over a month. Hubby and I were discussing a budget the other day so I took the time to write out how much we owe and how much our minimum monthly expenses are. We owe $43000. Our monthly expenses run around $5000. Add in extras like car maintenance, chiro or even us going out for dinner...
I don't even mind so much that I haven't been paid in a bit as I knew going in that this could happen. Still I can't let my boss get too far in dept with me either. It's dealing with some of the frustrations that make it not worth it. I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons of what I'm getting to what I could be getting. Yes I'm working from home and it's pretty cool to be doing that. I wanted to be able to continue to provide a certain level of care to my home and husband. Most importantly making good healthy dinners and spending our evenings together.
The last schedule change that my boss wanted... He wants me to work somewhere in the neighborhood of 9 am - 10:30 am, 11:30 am - 2 pm then 4 pm - 7:30 pm Mon-Thurs. Umm not! Plus it's a 6 days a week job. For the most part I don't mind as my husband usually works 6 days a week. Still I have dedicated most of my live to a job before and I'm not doing it again.
The pros... I get to work from home. What I've started to call my morning shift ;) I sometimes do in my PJ's. I can bake bread in between making calls. No one is micromanaging me.
The cons... I can work outside the home for less days with a more secure payment schedule.
I'm refusing to work past 6:30 pm. The other day I logged in and booked an appointment that had been confirmed through email. Through a pounding headache, tear filled stinging eyes with my body aching; I was trying to be responsible and keep an eye on my email... I booked an appointment without cc'ing someone that needs to be cc'd. Will I made a critical error... Why yes I did. I worked when I shouldn't have been working. I haven't logged in since. Things like this may be easier to take when your actually getting paid and not having to deal with the BS of someone not giving you the tools or knowledge to do your job properly.
Yes I know: The grass isn't greener on the other side... I think I take back most of the bitching I did about my old job. Every company has it's BS.
My son:
I found out on Friday that he was taking a bus to British Columbia on Sunday. Ontario to British Columbia is a 3 day bus ride.
2 weeks ago I had attended a group through the Schizophrenia Society and spoke to some of the others about how to go about getting my son admitted to hospital through court order. As usual it was a frustrating experience as everyone kept telling me that the hospital etc should have been telling me what to do. Well they weren't even with me asking for guidance. That included the PACT team. So even though I figured I had a bit of a fight ahead of me I still wanted to look into it.
I had been under the impression that my son was taking some medications as his nurse had told me that according to a worker at the shelter he was taking some. I knew that he wasn't taking care of his personal hygiene as I was helping with that when I saw him. I would get him to change his cloths and I would use wipes to clean his pits and face. Once I even took in Q-tips and had him clean his ears. Of course I had to do all this in the car since "Clients were not allowed to receive visitors".
Friday my son says to me: By the way I need to come and get my stuff because I'm going to Nanna's tomorrow. Both my husband and myself worked Friday and Saturday. Saturday I packed up what stuff he had here and took it to him. He asked if he could come home for the night and I agreed. I went into the shelter to collect his stuff and he had taken most of his cloths and electronics with him. There was nothing to collect and he was even wearing someone else's cloths and shoes.
I had thought that maybe my son and I could spend the evening together watching TV. It was after 9 by the time we got home. The first thing I had him do was put on some of his own cloths to find out that the shower he was supposed to have taken several days before wasn't obviously a good shower. He still smelled really bad. His hair and nails had been cut by his nurse from PACT. How he missed how bad my son smelled, I don't know.
I knew that my son's addiction had progressed from alcohol and marijuana to possibly cocaine and morphine. At one point I had brought one of his leather jackets home to try and clean and deodorize it but I had to throw it out. In the lining I found a baggy of white stuff. He thought he was buying cocaine. I think he got aspirin and bath salts. He did on one occasion tell me of a really nice guy that introduced him to morphine, he even had clean needles.
So many times I have fought the urge to bring him home. Canadian Thanksgiving I almost did. That morning I was going to... Then I thought it all through. To what end? I have no control over his money and therefor his ability to drink and use. When he drinks he becomes completely unmanageable in the home and puts everyone at physical risk. It would be 2 weeks of withdrawal, attitude and hopefully him just starting to get even on medications again before he got in another $600 from disability. And around it goes again. That's providing I could even keep him in the home that long.
Within 15 minutes of me bringing him home on Saturday he had spilled milk and juice all of the floor. By 10 he was outside in the back yard punching the walls. According to him he was doing art. I'm not sure either one of my neighbors that have young children were appreciating his form of art.
The fun part was when I decided to go through his backpack. The smell alone was enough to make me want to be sick. A couple of bottles of alcohol. One was almost full. My son not drink his alcohol! He was out of it to not remember that he had it. In the end I ended up tossing it and my husband went and got him a new one the next morning.
What else did I find? Lots of new needles in sterilized packaging along with Stericups... Sterilized cups for cooking your drugs in. Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for teaching addicts to be mindful of the transmission of diseases while they are shooting up. But seriously! Here's a new needle and cooking pot, don't forget to use an alcohol wipe first before you shot up with hands that are brown from nicotine and a months worth of build up body odor surrounding you. Come on! Really! I think they need to expand on these items to include a self-care manual with a toothbrush, toothpaste and at least some hand sanitizer and body wipes.
I didn't get to spend the evening with my son watching TV. I did get to spend until about 3 am with his voices. I have never seen them so bad. It was a constant dialogue between him and them. All you could hear was him whispering/talking to them under his breathe along with sporadic outbursts of laughter. Once I walked into the kitchen to him cocking and shooting a pretend gun.
He did take his medications when I gave them to him and finally they shut his voices up at around 3. Oh yes the medications I had been told he was taking. I picked up a months worth of unopened medications packages dating back to Sept 15.
I had been complacent again. After the last time his grandmother had said she wasn't taking him I thought I had some breathing room. I figured it was just a matter of time before he was admitted to hospital again. With that admission I was going to push for a reevaluation of his diagnoses since the PACT team was refusing my request. I would have also tried pushing for some sort of temporary decision making capabilities until I could further figure out how to get power of attorney through the mental health courts.
Sometimes I shake my head at myself because I really should know better. Everything was just too quiet. Whenever I asked my son if he was talking to his grandmother he would say not a lot. The PACT team stopped calling me. My son stopped asking to come home... Really that should have been enough for me to know. Hindsight is 20/20.
What bothers me the most is that I wasn't deemed worthy enough of so much as a phone call to say: Hey, I'm making arrangements for your son... I don't care what one wants to think of me personally. You can think I'm scum of the earth if you want to however the fact remains that I'm the one that carried him for 9 months and gave birth to him. The alone deserves a minimum amount of respect and consideration.
I wasn't deemed worthy enough of a phone call to say he made it there either. He did by the way.
I'm not sure how I feel about him being there. As I have been going through my own journey of letting go of things that I can't change, I know that I can't change or fix his addiction and therefor his mental health. I wasn't willing any longer to turn my home and world into circus to accommodate him. His grandmother is. Would I rather him be with her then where he was? Yes.
I don't think that it's going to have a good ending however I accept that this is what they both want.
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Liar liar pants on fire
I came across this picture today and it made me giggle. As any caregiver of someone with a mental illness knows, we sometimes need a little humor in our lives.
Wouldn't it be nice... Or if their noses grew like Pinocchio. Honestly it's not just our mentally ill loved ones. I would like to see this happen to a lot of grown ups I know too. ;)
Monday night things went south again. This time I can at least have the comfort of knowing that I did nothing to provoke it.
I was in bed when my son came into my room. He started and I asked him to leave, letting him know that I didn't appreciate how he has been talking to me and that there was no excuse for it. Him getting mad is not a good enough reason for calling me the things that he did. He left my room however stood outside the door continued to try and 'reason' with hubby and I that he was entitled to make up the rules since it's his place because he pays half the rent. The fact that he hasn't paid us anything since July 2014 is apparently a mood point to him. I closed my bedroom door. He kept it up. I asked him to stop. The swearing at me started... It still surprises me sometimes when I can hear it his tone that he is very much in control over what he is saying and swearing or calling me names on purpose.
Finally I opened the door and stop in front of him and told him he needed to stop or leave. He grabbed my arm and pushed me. Apparently I made the mistake of standing in front of his bedroom door and according to him he was justified in pushing me because I was in the way. If he had wanted in his bedroom he could have went in there instead of standing outside my bedroom door swearing and calling me names. There was no indication that he wanted to go into his room.
I told him that if he touched me like that again I would have him charged. I could still see and feel where he grabbed me 45 minutes later. Sshh Hubby doesn't know this. Hubby heard me say this and got out of bed saying this was enough. The sight that greeted him when he got to my son's bedroom door... My son pulling down his pants, showing me his ass and telling me to kiss it! Adorable isn't he? I told my husband to not get involved and pushed him back because yes my hubby was not impressed. For me, seeing my son's ass defused my anger. All I could think as I looked at it was: Boy if you were 5 years old I would be paddling that ass! Before you think child abuse! No I didn't make it a habit of spanking my kids ;)
I just looked at my son and told him that the way he was acting and the words coming out of his mouth were disgusting. He actually looked a little shocked. Then said he was going to call COAST which is the crisis outreach team in our area. Ok.. Make sure you tell them that you just pushed your mother and have been swearing and calling her names. Suddenly he was all business. Called them and said that he needed assistance and a place to stay. I went back to my bedroom and let him do his thing. I could hear by his answers that they were asking him mental health questions. He then called some shelters.
What floored me was he then called 911 stating that he needed a place to go because his mom's husband had physically threatened him with violence. I just sat there as I listened to him give 911 my husbands name. Pictures of my hubby being hulled off in handcuffs. Yes I know I was overreacting but seriously you never know. It's not like the police haven't made things worse before. I did nothing. My son started packing his stuff. He's getting good at this part. Hubby and I went out for a smoke as I wanted to meet the police when they arrived and let them know what had really happened.
They came in. The one officer pointed out to my son that the police were not a taxi service. The other officer told my son when he again spoke about my hubby threatening violence, that he was an adult and perfectly within his rights to leave if he didn't like it here. They left with him and took him to a shelter.
When my son was making his phone calls it hit me. What this was all about. No one had said anything to him about a shelter. No one had threatened him. He wanted this to happen. Why? Because he doesn't want to pay me room and board from the check he thinks he is getting this week. This is what happened in September 2014. He got to keep the whole check and he got high. Yes he got robbed of most of it but he still got marijuana. In his eyes that's a win. The way that he became totally coherent to make the calls and write down the numbers... Mind boggling.
What I was seeing had little to do with schizophrenia and a whole lot to do with addiction and manipulation. He couldn't get benzo's from his treatment team or hospital so he went with plan B. Honestly who can blame him. It worked the last time.
I find myself yet again in between that proverbial rock and a hard place. The rock being my right to not be abused and to be treated with respect and the hard place being my son's schizophrenia and addiction. I get that he isn't stable right now. I get that he is being controlled by addiction and perhaps some delusional thinking. Still... Son or not... I don't have to accept this type of behavior. No where in all the information regarding addiction or mental illness does it state that family members should allow themselves to be abused because a loved one has a mental illness.
My son called me yesterday. Mom, I want to come home... Has my check come in? I guess he forgot that in September he left with his check on him. Ops! I told him he couldn't come home right now that he caused this to happen and he has to deal with the consequences. I asked if he called for another reason other then wanting his check? Well I do want my check...
I know what shelter he is in and it's actually fairly nice. As far as I know it's the one he went to for a couple of hours the last time he called 911. Industrial area so shouldn't be drug traffic. Nice main room with computers and TV. You could tell the people there were a different crowd then the one he was in in September. I'm not worried about him there. Really if my son wants trouble bad enough he can find even from here. They will lock up and administer his medications. He will be fed and on a sensible sleep schedule. Honestly it's probably a good spot for him right now.
My biggest concern right now is trying to figure out what is happening with his disability payment. Yes I want my portion for room and board. We could use the money. He isn't cheap to support! Although my main concern is him not getting it. I know that sounds harsh but I live in reality. $800 would most likely get him in jail or worse. At the very least another psychotic break when he hasn't recovered from the last one.
I called disability and reception would not put me through to a supervisor this time. Told me to leave his worker another message and to fax them something stating my concerns. So I walked to Staples and faxed them a letter stating that my son doesn't want to pay me room and board for the second time and that I'm pretty sure he wants the money for drugs and I'm fearful of him ending up in jail or worse. He is not capable of handling his own finances. That was 4 hours ago. No phone call yet...
I did talk to his case worker at PACT. She has been trying to get in contact with the shelter. She had talked to my son's psychiatrist and team and his psychiatrist stated absolutely no benzos. I told her what has happened and she said it sounds behavioral. Honestly as time goes by I'm in agreement. I do know it's being fueled by his symptoms and addiction however it's still his choice to act the way that he is. He believes that no one else matters, period.
I did leave a message at the shelter to have someone call me.
So here we are again... Maybe this time he will get the help that he needs.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Wouldn't it be nice... Or if their noses grew like Pinocchio. Honestly it's not just our mentally ill loved ones. I would like to see this happen to a lot of grown ups I know too. ;)
Monday night things went south again. This time I can at least have the comfort of knowing that I did nothing to provoke it.
I was in bed when my son came into my room. He started and I asked him to leave, letting him know that I didn't appreciate how he has been talking to me and that there was no excuse for it. Him getting mad is not a good enough reason for calling me the things that he did. He left my room however stood outside the door continued to try and 'reason' with hubby and I that he was entitled to make up the rules since it's his place because he pays half the rent. The fact that he hasn't paid us anything since July 2014 is apparently a mood point to him. I closed my bedroom door. He kept it up. I asked him to stop. The swearing at me started... It still surprises me sometimes when I can hear it his tone that he is very much in control over what he is saying and swearing or calling me names on purpose.
Finally I opened the door and stop in front of him and told him he needed to stop or leave. He grabbed my arm and pushed me. Apparently I made the mistake of standing in front of his bedroom door and according to him he was justified in pushing me because I was in the way. If he had wanted in his bedroom he could have went in there instead of standing outside my bedroom door swearing and calling me names. There was no indication that he wanted to go into his room.
I told him that if he touched me like that again I would have him charged. I could still see and feel where he grabbed me 45 minutes later. Sshh Hubby doesn't know this. Hubby heard me say this and got out of bed saying this was enough. The sight that greeted him when he got to my son's bedroom door... My son pulling down his pants, showing me his ass and telling me to kiss it! Adorable isn't he? I told my husband to not get involved and pushed him back because yes my hubby was not impressed. For me, seeing my son's ass defused my anger. All I could think as I looked at it was: Boy if you were 5 years old I would be paddling that ass! Before you think child abuse! No I didn't make it a habit of spanking my kids ;)
I just looked at my son and told him that the way he was acting and the words coming out of his mouth were disgusting. He actually looked a little shocked. Then said he was going to call COAST which is the crisis outreach team in our area. Ok.. Make sure you tell them that you just pushed your mother and have been swearing and calling her names. Suddenly he was all business. Called them and said that he needed assistance and a place to stay. I went back to my bedroom and let him do his thing. I could hear by his answers that they were asking him mental health questions. He then called some shelters.
What floored me was he then called 911 stating that he needed a place to go because his mom's husband had physically threatened him with violence. I just sat there as I listened to him give 911 my husbands name. Pictures of my hubby being hulled off in handcuffs. Yes I know I was overreacting but seriously you never know. It's not like the police haven't made things worse before. I did nothing. My son started packing his stuff. He's getting good at this part. Hubby and I went out for a smoke as I wanted to meet the police when they arrived and let them know what had really happened.
They came in. The one officer pointed out to my son that the police were not a taxi service. The other officer told my son when he again spoke about my hubby threatening violence, that he was an adult and perfectly within his rights to leave if he didn't like it here. They left with him and took him to a shelter.
When my son was making his phone calls it hit me. What this was all about. No one had said anything to him about a shelter. No one had threatened him. He wanted this to happen. Why? Because he doesn't want to pay me room and board from the check he thinks he is getting this week. This is what happened in September 2014. He got to keep the whole check and he got high. Yes he got robbed of most of it but he still got marijuana. In his eyes that's a win. The way that he became totally coherent to make the calls and write down the numbers... Mind boggling.
What I was seeing had little to do with schizophrenia and a whole lot to do with addiction and manipulation. He couldn't get benzo's from his treatment team or hospital so he went with plan B. Honestly who can blame him. It worked the last time.
I find myself yet again in between that proverbial rock and a hard place. The rock being my right to not be abused and to be treated with respect and the hard place being my son's schizophrenia and addiction. I get that he isn't stable right now. I get that he is being controlled by addiction and perhaps some delusional thinking. Still... Son or not... I don't have to accept this type of behavior. No where in all the information regarding addiction or mental illness does it state that family members should allow themselves to be abused because a loved one has a mental illness.
My son called me yesterday. Mom, I want to come home... Has my check come in? I guess he forgot that in September he left with his check on him. Ops! I told him he couldn't come home right now that he caused this to happen and he has to deal with the consequences. I asked if he called for another reason other then wanting his check? Well I do want my check...
I know what shelter he is in and it's actually fairly nice. As far as I know it's the one he went to for a couple of hours the last time he called 911. Industrial area so shouldn't be drug traffic. Nice main room with computers and TV. You could tell the people there were a different crowd then the one he was in in September. I'm not worried about him there. Really if my son wants trouble bad enough he can find even from here. They will lock up and administer his medications. He will be fed and on a sensible sleep schedule. Honestly it's probably a good spot for him right now.
My biggest concern right now is trying to figure out what is happening with his disability payment. Yes I want my portion for room and board. We could use the money. He isn't cheap to support! Although my main concern is him not getting it. I know that sounds harsh but I live in reality. $800 would most likely get him in jail or worse. At the very least another psychotic break when he hasn't recovered from the last one.
I called disability and reception would not put me through to a supervisor this time. Told me to leave his worker another message and to fax them something stating my concerns. So I walked to Staples and faxed them a letter stating that my son doesn't want to pay me room and board for the second time and that I'm pretty sure he wants the money for drugs and I'm fearful of him ending up in jail or worse. He is not capable of handling his own finances. That was 4 hours ago. No phone call yet...
I did talk to his case worker at PACT. She has been trying to get in contact with the shelter. She had talked to my son's psychiatrist and team and his psychiatrist stated absolutely no benzos. I told her what has happened and she said it sounds behavioral. Honestly as time goes by I'm in agreement. I do know it's being fueled by his symptoms and addiction however it's still his choice to act the way that he is. He believes that no one else matters, period.
I did leave a message at the shelter to have someone call me.
So here we are again... Maybe this time he will get the help that he needs.
Mom
BarbieBF
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Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Tattoo, Ear Infection, Forum and Inpatient Again.
I finally worked up the nerve and before I could change my mind, made an appointment to get my first tattoo. I have wanted one for a very long time. I didn't get the one I have been thinking about getting for the past 20 years and instead settled on a nice renaissance script of my children's names with two purple hearts.
This was taken the day I got it done. I'm so happy with it! I don't think it could have turned out better and is exactly what I wanted. I already know what my next one is going to be! No I'm not addicted, at least I don't think so ;) On my left shoulder I want the names of my mom and dad.
I ended up going to the walk-in clinic on Monday. Tried to get an appointment with my family doctor but couldn't get one for that day. I was pretty sure I had an ear infection and the shooting pains around my right ear where getting more frequent and painful so rather then wait another day to start taking antibiotics I walked to the clinic. About 25 minutes later I was on my way back home with my antibiotics. Advil for the pain which I did have to take consistently until yesterday. Now just the odd one if it starts to hurt.
I have referenced in the past that I'm a moderator on a schizophrenia forum. I very much enjoy my interactions on this forum and do my best to contribute to the community and help anyone that I can. There are times though where it gets to me. Emotionally. Times like right now where I see a member being treated with such disdain that I have trouble getting my mind around it. Since I'm moderator I try not to get to emotionally involved in some of the posts as I don't want it interfering with my ability to moderate the forum from an unbiased perspective. So I will talk freely about it here. There is one member who's English skills are not so great. He uses words that tend to make understanding what he writes more difficult. He seems to also post with the perspective of having limited insight into his condition, if he is in fact diagnosed. Statistically speaking 40% plus have little to no insight into their disorders (anosognosia) so I don't see him as being anymore delusional or black and white in his thinking then most of the other members. In fact he seems to understand and follow the guidelines better then some who claim to be recovered. He certainly doesn't try to put other's down as other's have been doing to him on purpose. The forum has a handful of members who seem to think that their opinions are worth more then anyone else's and that because they have reached a certain point in their recovery that everyone else should be at that same point. Words like 'reality checking' and 'delusional' get thrown around like they justify treating another human being like they are sub-human, without regard to showing the least amount of respect, compassion, sympathy or empathy.
I really don't get it. A community of people that are fighting for understanding from this world, who want a safe place to be themselves without judgement and criticism. Then someone comes along who doesn't fit and he is treated like that child on the playground that is being picked on just because he is different or maybe is from a different country so can't communicate as effectively. He tries but his attempts get ridiculed and blown off as delusional. I have tried to accommodate by moving some posts from one category to another so as not to offend or cause more grievances. Then I think to myself what is that saying? I'm saying that this person doesn't fit... In a community of people who don't feel that they fit in this world with all it's judgments, stigmas and prejudices and I'm/they are saying that one of their own doesn't fit in a particular category because he is different! Have you ever been around one of those reformed smokers who because they quit they can't abide being around another smoker or even the smell of it? Fear of relapse is probably the biggest reason for this, in my opinion. They can't trust themselves to not give into temptation and light up so they site health reasons and all the reason's why we shouldn't smoke (because we aren't aware of them already ;)) to justify acting a certain way. Sometimes my sadness and anger when I see these things happening makes me think the forum should have a disclaimer stating that you must be medication compliant (even if they don't work), non-delusional or positive symptom free and fluent in layman's English to join. To join a schizophrenia forum! I needed to get that out...
Onward to my son. He is inpatient. I had talked to him on Monday and could tell that he wasn't doing any better. Same as the last conversation. I had to repeat everything 3-4 times to get him to answer. I told him about my tattoo and we had a bit of chuckle when he told me that he didn't miss me. I know that may sound a little rude but I have always appreciated my son's honesty on things like that. He did have the good grace to laugh when he said it :) When I told him that he could call me whenever he wanted and asked him why he hadn't called. He just hadn't thought to. He did respond to my 'I love you' and said it back... After he was taken to the hospital I found out that he has been talking to his voices and I guess physically interacting with his hallucinations. Not good. He was almost charged I guess with either assault or domestic violence. He physically hurt his grandmother. I can't say I was surprised at the call, in fact have been waiting for a much worse phone call. Thankfully they haven't pressed charges and he is currently to my knowledge on suicide watch as he stated he would rather die then be taken to the hospital. Due to other details I have gotten access to I can imagine the condition that he is currently in. Paranoid, delusional and thinking that the whole world is out to get him and trampling on his rights.
I have followed through on some of my previous phone calls and attempts to figure out what the next steps should be. It would be extremely helpful if they could come up with the same terminology for the different provinces or even the world as a whole. Substitute Decision Maker, Guardian, Private Committee, Power of Attorney, Section ?... One set for one thing and another set for something else. It doesn't appear that there is one procedure that will cover everything. Then there is the cost! If I could turn back the clock and go back to when he was 16 (or even before) and all this first started, knowing what I know now... So many documents would have been signed! Oh well... Can't go back right?
I have talked to his Dad so hopefully between the two of us we can get our son back on the right track. *fingers crossed* and toes and legs and arms!... I'm still holding back on doing anything legal. I don't want to take my son away from his family where he is if it can be avoided and if it is really where he wants to be. He came to me the last time of his own free will. For now these decisions can wait until my son is stable. Besides I may need what credit I do have if the hospital is lax or stupid enough in their responsibility to my son to release him again when he shouldn't be.
Mom
BarbieBF
This was taken the day I got it done. I'm so happy with it! I don't think it could have turned out better and is exactly what I wanted. I already know what my next one is going to be! No I'm not addicted, at least I don't think so ;) On my left shoulder I want the names of my mom and dad.
I ended up going to the walk-in clinic on Monday. Tried to get an appointment with my family doctor but couldn't get one for that day. I was pretty sure I had an ear infection and the shooting pains around my right ear where getting more frequent and painful so rather then wait another day to start taking antibiotics I walked to the clinic. About 25 minutes later I was on my way back home with my antibiotics. Advil for the pain which I did have to take consistently until yesterday. Now just the odd one if it starts to hurt.
I have referenced in the past that I'm a moderator on a schizophrenia forum. I very much enjoy my interactions on this forum and do my best to contribute to the community and help anyone that I can. There are times though where it gets to me. Emotionally. Times like right now where I see a member being treated with such disdain that I have trouble getting my mind around it. Since I'm moderator I try not to get to emotionally involved in some of the posts as I don't want it interfering with my ability to moderate the forum from an unbiased perspective. So I will talk freely about it here. There is one member who's English skills are not so great. He uses words that tend to make understanding what he writes more difficult. He seems to also post with the perspective of having limited insight into his condition, if he is in fact diagnosed. Statistically speaking 40% plus have little to no insight into their disorders (anosognosia) so I don't see him as being anymore delusional or black and white in his thinking then most of the other members. In fact he seems to understand and follow the guidelines better then some who claim to be recovered. He certainly doesn't try to put other's down as other's have been doing to him on purpose. The forum has a handful of members who seem to think that their opinions are worth more then anyone else's and that because they have reached a certain point in their recovery that everyone else should be at that same point. Words like 'reality checking' and 'delusional' get thrown around like they justify treating another human being like they are sub-human, without regard to showing the least amount of respect, compassion, sympathy or empathy.
I really don't get it. A community of people that are fighting for understanding from this world, who want a safe place to be themselves without judgement and criticism. Then someone comes along who doesn't fit and he is treated like that child on the playground that is being picked on just because he is different or maybe is from a different country so can't communicate as effectively. He tries but his attempts get ridiculed and blown off as delusional. I have tried to accommodate by moving some posts from one category to another so as not to offend or cause more grievances. Then I think to myself what is that saying? I'm saying that this person doesn't fit... In a community of people who don't feel that they fit in this world with all it's judgments, stigmas and prejudices and I'm/they are saying that one of their own doesn't fit in a particular category because he is different! Have you ever been around one of those reformed smokers who because they quit they can't abide being around another smoker or even the smell of it? Fear of relapse is probably the biggest reason for this, in my opinion. They can't trust themselves to not give into temptation and light up so they site health reasons and all the reason's why we shouldn't smoke (because we aren't aware of them already ;)) to justify acting a certain way. Sometimes my sadness and anger when I see these things happening makes me think the forum should have a disclaimer stating that you must be medication compliant (even if they don't work), non-delusional or positive symptom free and fluent in layman's English to join. To join a schizophrenia forum! I needed to get that out...
Onward to my son. He is inpatient. I had talked to him on Monday and could tell that he wasn't doing any better. Same as the last conversation. I had to repeat everything 3-4 times to get him to answer. I told him about my tattoo and we had a bit of chuckle when he told me that he didn't miss me. I know that may sound a little rude but I have always appreciated my son's honesty on things like that. He did have the good grace to laugh when he said it :) When I told him that he could call me whenever he wanted and asked him why he hadn't called. He just hadn't thought to. He did respond to my 'I love you' and said it back... After he was taken to the hospital I found out that he has been talking to his voices and I guess physically interacting with his hallucinations. Not good. He was almost charged I guess with either assault or domestic violence. He physically hurt his grandmother. I can't say I was surprised at the call, in fact have been waiting for a much worse phone call. Thankfully they haven't pressed charges and he is currently to my knowledge on suicide watch as he stated he would rather die then be taken to the hospital. Due to other details I have gotten access to I can imagine the condition that he is currently in. Paranoid, delusional and thinking that the whole world is out to get him and trampling on his rights.
I have followed through on some of my previous phone calls and attempts to figure out what the next steps should be. It would be extremely helpful if they could come up with the same terminology for the different provinces or even the world as a whole. Substitute Decision Maker, Guardian, Private Committee, Power of Attorney, Section ?... One set for one thing and another set for something else. It doesn't appear that there is one procedure that will cover everything. Then there is the cost! If I could turn back the clock and go back to when he was 16 (or even before) and all this first started, knowing what I know now... So many documents would have been signed! Oh well... Can't go back right?
I have talked to his Dad so hopefully between the two of us we can get our son back on the right track. *fingers crossed* and toes and legs and arms!... I'm still holding back on doing anything legal. I don't want to take my son away from his family where he is if it can be avoided and if it is really where he wants to be. He came to me the last time of his own free will. For now these decisions can wait until my son is stable. Besides I may need what credit I do have if the hospital is lax or stupid enough in their responsibility to my son to release him again when he shouldn't be.
Mom
BarbieBF
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Betrayal
The definition of betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral or psychological conflict within a relationship...
At the moment I'm sure a lot of people are feeling betrayed however I can only speak of my own feelings regarding this. Truth for me in any form has always been very important to me. Regardless of what my son has gone through or is experiencing I have never lied to him, or anyone else and I have certainly not done things without being upfront about what I am doing and why. Lying by omission is the same as outright lying in my eyes as the intent to deceive is the same.
This last 24 plus hours have left me feeling betrayed. Yesterday I was so mad and frustrated that honestly speaking in a normal tone was almost beyond my capabilities which really isn't like me :) I have had to emotionally step back and examine what the root cause is and it's an overwhelming sense of betrayal. Not by my son. That doesn't mean that he is not hurting me however I do understand that schizophrenia is playing it's part in not allowing my son to see the bigger picture. He can't see past his current mental state. I know that he feels betrayed by me. I wish that I could change that however at least where I'm concerned he seems to measure love by how much I can give him. If I'm not spending money on him or letting him do whatever he wants then I don't love him.
That doesn't mean that I am not there for him as I have been for the past 15 months. There has not been a single moment where every decision and consequence has not been weighed with only one goal in mind and that is his stability and future. I am trying to give him what he needs not what he thinks he wants. A 5 year old says I want to stay up all night, drink pop/cola and watch horror movies. Do we let them just because it's what they want? No we don't because as parents we know that there is a much bigger picture and what that child needs is stability and boundaries. The child has a temper tantrum, rolls on the floor kicking and screaming telling us how horrible we are and that we don't love them. Any of this sound familiar? Unfortunately my son is 20 so his temper tantrums are not harmlessly rolling around on the floor kicking and screaming. They are putting holes in walls, breaking things, threatening physical violence and now he has the vocabulary and understanding of emotions to know how to manipulate them. I have listened to my son, lots, and I know how he measures and interprets love. Not at the age displayed on his birth certificate. One of the symptoms of schizophrenia is cognitive impairment. Schizophrenia is a mental disorder characterized by a breakdown of thought processes and by a deficit (loss) of typical emotional response. It's a splitting of mental functions. My son is unable, in my opinion, to act or react to emotions or his environment as his age implies. His emotions override rational thought on a bigger scale than is typical or normal. Because he feels something than it must be. Paranoia is a good example of this. I have marveled at my son's ability to turn a thought into reality regardless of the facts. The facts that don't serve him are quickly forgotten or ignored. As he has told me himself he just doesn't let himself think about it. One of the perks of his mental illness. I don't blame my son as it's not his fault that schizophrenia has done this however love for him is a tool that he uses to manipulate others into giving him what he wants.
So the question is. Do we give in and figuratively speaking hand over the keys to the car just because our child thinks they deserve it? For me the answer at some point has to be no. He can have my love, all that I have to give if he wants it, without monetary strings attached. BUT therein lies the problem. I'm done giving financially so I am of little use. My worth is tied to my bank card. For him it's time to move on...
It took some phone calls and piecing together to try and figure out what appears to have been going on. It's not so much what is being done but how it is being done. Before my son moved back with me, everything that I did was done upfront, not behind anyone's back. I kept everyone in the loop. I didn't hide what I was doing. I didn't not pick up a phone and inform the people involved of my actions and certainly not the very people who loved my son. It appears I have not been given this same consideration or respect. Despite the fact that I am here, everyday, talking to his care workers, trying to make plans, trying to keep my son stable, trying to make the system work for him even though he is fighting against it tooth and nail... I apparently do not warrant any consideration.
Honestly I'm pissed... Beyond pissed really. I want to yell and scream and remind everyone that despite what anyone thinks this is MY SON! And if anyone thinks that I am just going to sit back and let my son, without a fight, become the chronic marijuana smoking, percocet stealing, hallucinating, delusional boy that I brought home 15 months ago. They don't know me very well. It took me months to get him even remotely stable. I remember 16 months ago. I remember being begged to take him, now! I remember a boy who almost daily was calling me that he wanted to reincarnate, come back as a bird, so that he could fly to my window. Sending me videos from the hours that he spent doing telekinesis. I remember a boy who was so stoned at times that he could hardly talk. I remember the stolen percocets and the stolen bank card. I remember no food because he spent most of his money on marijuana. I remember sending money just so the rent could be paid. I remember sending money so that Christmas could happen. I remember being their for emotional support regardless of the circumstances. I researched medications. I researched diet and sent vitamins and supplements. I tried for months to get my son. Until one day when resources were tapped out I was told to take him! Not in a month or a week but now!
There is a much bigger picture then the circumstances that my son is currently finding himself. It took me everyday, constantly pushing, researching, working with his treatment team but we accomplished so much. He has not been inpatient in a year! He has been stable, in fact better then he has been in 4 years! He has been drug and alcohol free for long periods! He has attended school! I have done everything that I can do to not let schizophrenia have my son. I have advocated and fought even him when needed to keep him moving forward and stable. Regarding schizophrenia symptoms his worse days have been better then his best days 16 months ago.
I can only sit here and shake me head and ask wth is everyone thinking?! There is so much that I want to say. I'm trying my best to be diplomatic and fair which limits what I can unleash... I guess in the end I only have this to say. Where will my son be when the next heart attack happens? Where will my son be when one or both are inpatient or suicidal again? Who is going to keep him off of marijuana and percocets? Who is going to advocate less medications or even the right medications? Certainly not the psychiatrist he appears to be going back too. Of all the time he treated my son he couldn't even see that my son had ADHD which two other psychiatrists noted after meeting him only once. My son didn't like or respect him and certainly never listened to him. BUT he will prescribe Clonazepam or whatever benzo my son wants. Benzos that only make my son worse.
As much as I want to fight for my son it appears I have lost the fight which in my eyes means my son has lost too. Everything that I have done for the past 15 months has been for nothing. Everything that I have fought for and accomplished is now blowing uselessly in the wind. So with a very heavy heart and tearful eyes I wave the white flag of surrender...
Sorry this post probably doesn't make sense unless I state that it looks like my son is moving. Away from me and back to where he used to live 15 months ago.
Mom
BarbieBF
So the question is. Do we give in and figuratively speaking hand over the keys to the car just because our child thinks they deserve it? For me the answer at some point has to be no. He can have my love, all that I have to give if he wants it, without monetary strings attached. BUT therein lies the problem. I'm done giving financially so I am of little use. My worth is tied to my bank card. For him it's time to move on...
It took some phone calls and piecing together to try and figure out what appears to have been going on. It's not so much what is being done but how it is being done. Before my son moved back with me, everything that I did was done upfront, not behind anyone's back. I kept everyone in the loop. I didn't hide what I was doing. I didn't not pick up a phone and inform the people involved of my actions and certainly not the very people who loved my son. It appears I have not been given this same consideration or respect. Despite the fact that I am here, everyday, talking to his care workers, trying to make plans, trying to keep my son stable, trying to make the system work for him even though he is fighting against it tooth and nail... I apparently do not warrant any consideration.
Honestly I'm pissed... Beyond pissed really. I want to yell and scream and remind everyone that despite what anyone thinks this is MY SON! And if anyone thinks that I am just going to sit back and let my son, without a fight, become the chronic marijuana smoking, percocet stealing, hallucinating, delusional boy that I brought home 15 months ago. They don't know me very well. It took me months to get him even remotely stable. I remember 16 months ago. I remember being begged to take him, now! I remember a boy who almost daily was calling me that he wanted to reincarnate, come back as a bird, so that he could fly to my window. Sending me videos from the hours that he spent doing telekinesis. I remember a boy who was so stoned at times that he could hardly talk. I remember the stolen percocets and the stolen bank card. I remember no food because he spent most of his money on marijuana. I remember sending money just so the rent could be paid. I remember sending money so that Christmas could happen. I remember being their for emotional support regardless of the circumstances. I researched medications. I researched diet and sent vitamins and supplements. I tried for months to get my son. Until one day when resources were tapped out I was told to take him! Not in a month or a week but now!
There is a much bigger picture then the circumstances that my son is currently finding himself. It took me everyday, constantly pushing, researching, working with his treatment team but we accomplished so much. He has not been inpatient in a year! He has been stable, in fact better then he has been in 4 years! He has been drug and alcohol free for long periods! He has attended school! I have done everything that I can do to not let schizophrenia have my son. I have advocated and fought even him when needed to keep him moving forward and stable. Regarding schizophrenia symptoms his worse days have been better then his best days 16 months ago.
I can only sit here and shake me head and ask wth is everyone thinking?! There is so much that I want to say. I'm trying my best to be diplomatic and fair which limits what I can unleash... I guess in the end I only have this to say. Where will my son be when the next heart attack happens? Where will my son be when one or both are inpatient or suicidal again? Who is going to keep him off of marijuana and percocets? Who is going to advocate less medications or even the right medications? Certainly not the psychiatrist he appears to be going back too. Of all the time he treated my son he couldn't even see that my son had ADHD which two other psychiatrists noted after meeting him only once. My son didn't like or respect him and certainly never listened to him. BUT he will prescribe Clonazepam or whatever benzo my son wants. Benzos that only make my son worse.
As much as I want to fight for my son it appears I have lost the fight which in my eyes means my son has lost too. Everything that I have done for the past 15 months has been for nothing. Everything that I have fought for and accomplished is now blowing uselessly in the wind. So with a very heavy heart and tearful eyes I wave the white flag of surrender...
Sorry this post probably doesn't make sense unless I state that it looks like my son is moving. Away from me and back to where he used to live 15 months ago.
Mom
BarbieBF
Saturday, July 26, 2014
R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Find out what it means to me.
Respect... This word has been brought up a couple of times today. I asked my son this morning if he took his pills last night as he has been up all night and is still up at noon today and showing no signs of fatigue. He felt disrespected. I'm not sure I understand my son's feelings on respect or disrespect or this generations for that matter. I get that it can and does upset those with a mental illness to be asked such a question however sometimes it is a valid question.
I decided to take a leap and try to talk to my son this morning about the current situation between him, myself and his Nana. We managed to keep the conversation calm however I did not make any headway it seems. I asked him if he gained anything by having his Nana hate me. He said yes. I asked him he felt that Nana would love him less if he told the truth and his first response was yes and then he seemed confused by the question and asked what is the truth? That he usually does tell her the truth eventually... I'm thinking not!
I'm afraid I'm really struggling with this situation. I feel that his Nana and I should be working together, in love not hate, regarding my son's future. We do after all both love him. Unfortunately we have different view points on how to help him which really isn't anything new. The difference is that when he was living with her and calling me and telling me what a bitch she was I didn't fall for it hook, line and sinker. I insisted that he talk about her with respect. I knew she acted out of love even if I didn't agree with what was being done.
I asked my son where in all this was there any respect for me? Where do my feelings fit in? There seems to be zero consideration for me or my feelings or what I am trying to accomplish. I'm not trying to keep drugs and alcohol out of his life, give him structure or teach him responsibility for his choices and actions because I don't love him. This may be a little controlling on my part but I do find it really hard to swallow that it is my phone that he uses to call her and lie about me. It would be like me using my bosses phone to call someone and complain what a tyrant he is. Can't imagine that going over very well. Can you? In my opinion that would be disrespectful.
Another thing I'm finding hard at the moment is keeping my cool about the messes that he is making. Every morning I'm waking up to a kitchen and living room looking like a tornado hit it. Pickles and pickle juice, snacks, popcorn everywhere, overflowing ashtray and butts on the floor and coffee table and that is just the living room! The kitchen counter cluttered with popcorn wrappers and garbage with spilled Kool-Aid and coffee all down the cupboards and on the floor. If he is capable of making the mess then he is capable of cleaning it up or at least reaching the garbage which isn't in some far off land. I got told yesterday that it was his father's fault that he was making these messes because he had broken his heart. Sorry not to be harsh but I'm not buying into that and I told him that he is 20 years old and his current actions are a reflection on no one except himself. His father is not here distracting him and causing him to throw things around like we lived in a garbage dump. Showing some respect for the home that he is being provided is not beyond his capabilities.
He is not liking the fact that I'm refusing to give him money early. His disability check has not arrived and even when it does it can not be cashed until the last day of the month. I don't mind compromising and giving him money once the check has come in and he has signed it over to me for cashing as that is my only security in receiving my portion for room and board. As it is I don't take what is supposed to come to me. It's becoming a monthly discussion on why I won't give him money early. Today he asked for the number for disability as he wants to call them and get a payment early for the place that he is going to move into. What place?! He was talking to his friend on Skype yesterday and I'm guessing neither one of them have money for alcohol at the moment.
I also got told yesterday when pointing out the mess that he already knows he is supposed to pick up, I don't need to remind him, that he was going to call his father about making arrangements to get the hell out of here. What about the place he needs his disability early for? Needless to say I told him to tell his father about the messes that he is making and the 2 grams of weed I had to throw out. It's a pretty sure bet that he didn't relay that instead centered on how I'm treating him like a child and yelling at him for no reason.
One a good note he finally had a shower this morning. He wanted to go for breakfast so I let him know that he wasn't leaving the apartment with me until he had a shower. It's been way to long. This shower also included some personal grooming of his facial hair. I must say he cleans up really nice!
Mom
BarbieBF
I decided to take a leap and try to talk to my son this morning about the current situation between him, myself and his Nana. We managed to keep the conversation calm however I did not make any headway it seems. I asked him if he gained anything by having his Nana hate me. He said yes. I asked him he felt that Nana would love him less if he told the truth and his first response was yes and then he seemed confused by the question and asked what is the truth? That he usually does tell her the truth eventually... I'm thinking not!
I'm afraid I'm really struggling with this situation. I feel that his Nana and I should be working together, in love not hate, regarding my son's future. We do after all both love him. Unfortunately we have different view points on how to help him which really isn't anything new. The difference is that when he was living with her and calling me and telling me what a bitch she was I didn't fall for it hook, line and sinker. I insisted that he talk about her with respect. I knew she acted out of love even if I didn't agree with what was being done.
I asked my son where in all this was there any respect for me? Where do my feelings fit in? There seems to be zero consideration for me or my feelings or what I am trying to accomplish. I'm not trying to keep drugs and alcohol out of his life, give him structure or teach him responsibility for his choices and actions because I don't love him. This may be a little controlling on my part but I do find it really hard to swallow that it is my phone that he uses to call her and lie about me. It would be like me using my bosses phone to call someone and complain what a tyrant he is. Can't imagine that going over very well. Can you? In my opinion that would be disrespectful.
Another thing I'm finding hard at the moment is keeping my cool about the messes that he is making. Every morning I'm waking up to a kitchen and living room looking like a tornado hit it. Pickles and pickle juice, snacks, popcorn everywhere, overflowing ashtray and butts on the floor and coffee table and that is just the living room! The kitchen counter cluttered with popcorn wrappers and garbage with spilled Kool-Aid and coffee all down the cupboards and on the floor. If he is capable of making the mess then he is capable of cleaning it up or at least reaching the garbage which isn't in some far off land. I got told yesterday that it was his father's fault that he was making these messes because he had broken his heart. Sorry not to be harsh but I'm not buying into that and I told him that he is 20 years old and his current actions are a reflection on no one except himself. His father is not here distracting him and causing him to throw things around like we lived in a garbage dump. Showing some respect for the home that he is being provided is not beyond his capabilities.
He is not liking the fact that I'm refusing to give him money early. His disability check has not arrived and even when it does it can not be cashed until the last day of the month. I don't mind compromising and giving him money once the check has come in and he has signed it over to me for cashing as that is my only security in receiving my portion for room and board. As it is I don't take what is supposed to come to me. It's becoming a monthly discussion on why I won't give him money early. Today he asked for the number for disability as he wants to call them and get a payment early for the place that he is going to move into. What place?! He was talking to his friend on Skype yesterday and I'm guessing neither one of them have money for alcohol at the moment.
I also got told yesterday when pointing out the mess that he already knows he is supposed to pick up, I don't need to remind him, that he was going to call his father about making arrangements to get the hell out of here. What about the place he needs his disability early for? Needless to say I told him to tell his father about the messes that he is making and the 2 grams of weed I had to throw out. It's a pretty sure bet that he didn't relay that instead centered on how I'm treating him like a child and yelling at him for no reason.
One a good note he finally had a shower this morning. He wanted to go for breakfast so I let him know that he wasn't leaving the apartment with me until he had a shower. It's been way to long. This shower also included some personal grooming of his facial hair. I must say he cleans up really nice!
Mom
BarbieBF
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