Wednesday, July 29, 2015

If I could...

We all do it. Think of the what ifs... If I could go back in time...

Ironically as time passes I experience this less and less however sometimes like now, my mind still tries.

This blog post is most likely just me clearing my head. My counselling session got cancelled today and I think I was due for a talk so I'm coming here instead.

I was thinking this morning: If I could go back in time what would I change?

A long time ago I gave up wanting to go back and change my past addiction. I do regret that a lot of people got hurt along the way however that journey is now dear to me. A journey I will never let myself forget and has shaped me into who I am today. I'm proud of me and I'm ok with me, all my faults and good. I still get embarrassed to easily and I'm still self-conscious etc. but I have never been as sure of myself or as self-confident as I am today. I'm learning my limits and I'm ok with them.

The current what ifs start in 2011 when my son was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. If I could go back in time and make it so that he didn't develop schizophrenia. Better yet how about his ADHD. You know, I wouldn't. I was slightly bemused at my thoughts on this until I thought it through a little more. ADHD and schizophrenia and even addiction are part of who my son is. Just like ADHD is a part of who my hubby is. Menopause is a part of who I am. PTSD and separation anxiety are part of who my daughter is. I wouldn't change who they are today. I love them.

Now today we are basically where we were last September. Or even heading to where we could have been in 2012 before I brought my son home. I think: Maybe I shouldn't have taken him in 2012 and perhaps this would all be over now. Yes I know not a nice thought but it's my truth.

A quick overview: My son was diagnosed in 2011 while with his dad and paternal grandmother. He came to live with me in 2012 when things got to bad there. We did really good for a year or two. Seriously he was hospitalized once? I think whereas he averaged every 4-6 months before that. Last year in September things went south and he ended up with his grandmother. October had a bad break and I went to get him and bring him home again.

Now he is trying to buy a plane ticket back to his grandmother.

All the what ifs in the world can't change were we are right now.

So if I could go back and not have taken him in 2012 would I? I would do it again. If I hadn't and things ended then I would feel guilty for not being there as a parent and trying to help. Now I have been there and I have done everything that I feel is best for him and his future.

I do now feel like I have been the best parent that I can be to both of my children regardless of what the future holds for them or me.

This is going to sound harsh however I'm not going to apologize because this is my truth. As long as my son's grandmother is there to... hmm... do what she does, then I can't help my son. We just go in circles. He is not getting better and my resources, mental and physical, are getting used up. Except for my own personal growth there is nothing to show for it. I guess I shouldn't say that. I now know what he is capable of which is so much more. I have seen the brightness that is my son. I have watched him take steps to a future where he would be happy. Not psychotic addiction induced happy but true happiness where he was ok inside.

Now he is taking steps that in my opinion will only give everyone nothing but pain. You might ask how can I allow that to happen?

By letting go.

If I could change anything, I would not. I wouldn't take away my son's schizophrenia or even his addiction just as I wouldn't take away my own. My son's journey is his own as are those connected to him.

Am I saddened by it? Absolutely as I can't see any good coming from it and I'm sincerely hoping it doesn't end in news coverage (not sure if I'm being funny or sincere)... But I'm getting ahead of myself. He isn't on the plane yet.

When my son wants to be a part of my journey to a better life... Oh I hope it happens. Or I guess when I'm the only one left...

There is always hope, right?


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