If I could...

We all do it. Think of the what ifs... If I could go back in time...

Ironically as time passes I experience this less and less however sometimes like now, my mind still tries.

This blog post is most likely just me clearing my head. My counselling session got cancelled today and I think I was due for a talk so I'm coming here instead.

I was thinking this morning: If I could go back in time what would I change?

A long time ago I gave up wanting to go back and change my past addiction. I do regret that a lot of people got hurt along the way however that journey is now dear to me. A journey I will never let myself forget and has shaped me into who I am today. I'm proud of me and I'm ok with me, all my faults and good. I still get embarrassed to easily and I'm still self-conscious etc. but I have never been as sure of myself or as self-confident as I am today. I'm learning my limits and I'm ok with them.

The current what ifs start in 2011 when my son was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. If I could go back in time and make it so that he didn't develop schizophrenia. Better yet how about his ADHD. You know, I wouldn't. I was slightly bemused at my thoughts on this until I thought it through a little more. ADHD and schizophrenia and even addiction are part of who my son is. Just like ADHD is a part of who my hubby is. Menopause is a part of who I am. PTSD and separation anxiety are part of who my daughter is. I wouldn't change who they are today. I love them.

Now today we are basically where we were last September. Or even heading to where we could have been in 2012 before I brought my son home. I think: Maybe I shouldn't have taken him in 2012 and perhaps this would all be over now. Yes I know not a nice thought but it's my truth.

A quick overview: My son was diagnosed in 2011 while with his dad and paternal grandmother. He came to live with me in 2012 when things got to bad there. We did really good for a year or two. Seriously he was hospitalized once? I think whereas he averaged every 4-6 months before that. Last year in September things went south and he ended up with his grandmother. October had a bad break and I went to get him and bring him home again.

Now he is trying to buy a plane ticket back to his grandmother.

All the what ifs in the world can't change were we are right now.

So if I could go back and not have taken him in 2012 would I? I would do it again. If I hadn't and things ended then I would feel guilty for not being there as a parent and trying to help. Now I have been there and I have done everything that I feel is best for him and his future.

I do now feel like I have been the best parent that I can be to both of my children regardless of what the future holds for them or me.

This is going to sound harsh however I'm not going to apologize because this is my truth. As long as my son's grandmother is there to... hmm... do what she does, then I can't help my son. We just go in circles. He is not getting better and my resources, mental and physical, are getting used up. Except for my own personal growth there is nothing to show for it. I guess I shouldn't say that. I now know what he is capable of which is so much more. I have seen the brightness that is my son. I have watched him take steps to a future where he would be happy. Not psychotic addiction induced happy but true happiness where he was ok inside.

Now he is taking steps that in my opinion will only give everyone nothing but pain. You might ask how can I allow that to happen?

By letting go.

If I could change anything, I would not. I wouldn't take away my son's schizophrenia or even his addiction just as I wouldn't take away my own. My son's journey is his own as are those connected to him.

Am I saddened by it? Absolutely as I can't see any good coming from it and I'm sincerely hoping it doesn't end in news coverage (not sure if I'm being funny or sincere)... But I'm getting ahead of myself. He isn't on the plane yet.

When my son wants to be a part of my journey to a better life... Oh I hope it happens. Or I guess when I'm the only one left...

There is always hope, right?

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Third time's a charm?

As you know I quit smoking when I started using the nicotine patch a month ago. This is the third time I'm quitting smoking with the patch. I did succeed the other two times and was quit for 6 and 8 months each time. Quitting doesn't seem to be my issue. Now staying quit on the other hand ;).

This time... Just wow this hasn't been fun. The patches come in stages depending on how much you smoke. I already knew from past experience that starting with step 1 (21 mg patch) was too much nicotine for me. I also know to take the patch off before bed regardless of what the instructions say. I have always wondered what they are thinking. No one smokes in their sleep (unless you sleep walk) so why have nicotine coursing through your system when trying to quit and while sleeping. I wonder how many people don't even complete the program due to how bad the bad dreams are...

I start with step 2 (14 mg patch) and generally do each step a little longer since I cut out the first step. Step 2 is for less then 10 cigarettes a day. Nothing seems to take into consideration whether the person smokes lights, ultra-lights or in my case super-slims. Really skinny cigarettes.

By the end of last week even I was starting to get concerned. I came pretty close to heading to the hospital's emergency department over the weekend. Hubby came pretty close to taking me. There have been changes to several different things so I wasn't sure what was causing what or if it was all just bad timing of everything together.

I didn't get my Venlafaxine prescription renewed. Yes I know, not very smart of me. I did try however my doctor needs to see me first since I upped it from 37.5 to 75 mg. I'm still not sure if I want to get it renewed or not. I only wanted them for some short-term help until I was able to get started in counselling and hopefully get myself re-centered again. Sadly it seems that I may not be able to make it through a weekend without them though.

I got my menstrual cycle 2 weeks early. Yup fun! I'm already struggling to get enough iron so that I'm not anemic. Throw an extra period in there and I was expecting to feel light-headed. Also I had stopped taking one of my tinctures that I use to keep my menopausal symptoms in check and my cycles regular.

I haven't had a cigarette since June 20.

I think I was handling things not bad. Still by Friday I was getting concerned. I was so light-headed and nauseous. After years of cycle issues I'm used to being light-headed during my menstrual cycles. This however was over the top. Just sitting while I was working was hard as I was constantly on the verge of fainting. I wanted to vomit. I was cold sweats. I had started getting cold sweats at night too which I figured was the beginning of hot flashes again...

Thinking what I was experiencing was mostly cycle related and/or iron, then I doubled up on my iron supplement. Needless to say that didn't help since it wasn't the issue. Then there is the side affects of taking too much iron ;). I think that is evening itself out today though.

Holy cravings... Not for cigarettes. Salt and sugar. Banana splits, waffles, ice cream, whipped cream, syrup, potato chips and oh my gosh thirsty. I was experiencing an over-dose of nicotine. As a smoker and recovered addict I know what it feels like to smoke too much. This was... I don't ever want to experience that again.

This will be the 3rd day of no patch. Yesterday morning I put one on for about 45 minutes. The day before I had one on for maybe a couple of hours. I had to take them off. Within 20 minutes of putting them on I was dizzy, nauseous and my heart rate was going through the roof. It felt like I was running while sitting still. It was like I was on a serious high without the good parts. Breathing was a chore at times.

On a side note. Perhaps the experience can give me a little more insight into what my son can sometimes experience.

That's when I started putting it together. When I realized that I haven't physically craved a cigarette for a while now. I had gone days without wanting a Lozenge. There was so much nicotine in my system that even the habit itself wasn't making itself known.

I spoke to the pharmacist and he said it was a good thing that I was ready for step 3 (7 mg patch) so quickly. At least that was reassuring, I guess. Feeling like I needed to be in the ER wasn't.

Today I can feel it. I want a cigarette. I'm afraid to put on a patch though. I will see how I react to a lozenge first. I'm still light-headed. No where near where I was though. Thank goodness. I wake up feeling ok since I have gone all night with no nicotine and my system can start flushing it out. Caffeine... I'm noticing that drinking coffee is not helping as it's another stimulant that is triggering the nicotine affect.

All the physical stuff... It was the emotional or should I say IS the emotional that I'm struggling to get under control. Since I have never come off of antidepressants before and certainly not with all this other crap going on, I have no experience to compare it to. Yesterday I was to the point of, I don't know what. Hubby was 'helping' me with cleaning the floors. The way that ADHD, over-worried hubbies can help. By making everything worse :). I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle his ADHD thinking. I couldn't handle his attitude or inability to cope with me not being able to handle him. I hit him with a pillow. Trust me I wanted to do more... I wanted/needed him to stop. Just stop.

I'm a hormonal mess it seems. I have been on the verge of tears since yesterday morning. Now I think this is due to coming off the Venlafaxine. Not only do I want to cry at the sappy parts in movies, I want to cry at the thought of the sappy parts that I know are coming. Haha! Parts that I don't normally find sappy...

I'm back on my tinctures for menopause. I think my bleeding is finally stopping. Sorry guys... But honestly. Why can't our bodies just make a decision. Off or on. I don't even care which but 'spotting' is a complete joke.

Before I forget. A shout-out to my followers who have shown me support. I can't say how much I appreciate it. I don't have high expectations when it comes to family or anyone's ability to care... I will just leave that there. I blog and share because it helps me and hopefully helps others to not feel alone. So when I end up not feeling alone because of my followers responses and support. Yup, I'm a hormonal mess! Thank you and I see you! (We watched Avatar last night)



I missed my son's call yesterday. Because of work I sometimes put my phone on vibrate. I have a new work number now but the people I have previously contacted have my personal number. So I didn't know that he had called until last night.

I did see him on Friday. Hubby and I dropped him off a carton of smokes that he was supposed to call me and learn how to transfer me the money for them. Yes I know... I really wasn't expecting that to happen. I butted heads with privacy laws again. We can't tell you if he is here... We can't help you because we love to quote privacy laws instead of using common sense... Honestly I found myself insisting that there is a release that can be signed and that I'm pretty sure privacy laws haven't changed in the past 6 months. I had to insist because for whatever reason they didn't want to be bothered to reach over and grab a piece of paper that apparently didn't exist until I insisted. Then magically it appeared and my son was able to sign a release that let them acknowledge that he existed there when I called or showed up to drop off things he requested.

Sorry... It's just such a bullshit system and it doesn't help anyone. They certainly weren't helping my son. So who were they helping? Good question!

My son had called wanting smokes and some other items. Honestly I think he just wanted to come home and see if the alcohol was still here. He wanted some cloths. I checked his room and he took the cloths that he likes to wear. He already had tons of socks and underwear. His favorite shirts. Shorts and several pairs of pants. I did take him his favorite hoodie and some other things like chargers and his ipod etc.

Since the shelter pulled their privacy crap we couldn't even wait on the shelter's property to see if my son was going to come out for a smoke. They wouldn't take the items we brought. So we sat in the car for like 45 minutes, on the street. Then we drove to the closest mini-mart since I knew my son was buying cigarettes. I guess he saw us at some point so just as I figured was going to happen. He called me as we were getting back on the highway heading home. We turned around... I went inside with him to make sure the release was signed.

I asked him if he was taking his pills and he said yes. I asked him what he was doing. Just sitting outside smoking. So I clarified that I meant in the future. What are his plans. Well he doesn't want to have a place on his own out here in Ontario. He doesn't want to have a place on his own anywhere. The difference is that here with me being an addict/alcoholic isn't easy. In British Columbia it will be easy as who is going to try and stop him from throwing his life away? He knows that talk about him getting his own place out there is just that, talk. He has no intentions of doing it. He can't see past his addiction right now. And I seem to be the only one who thinks he is capable of doing that.

According to him he plans on buying a ticket with his disability payment. $98 isn't going to buy him a plane ticket. I'm certainly not helping him throw his life away. I told him again that he needs to go into rehab. He needs to be in a long-term treatment facility to help him. At least here that option is a distinct possibility and could happen rather quickly if he would take that step.

It's all second guessing on my part since I haven't heard from anyone on what their plans or intentions are.

I won't say how I know however I do know that he went to the liquor store on Friday for a bottle. I'm guessing he hasn't gotten caught or drank it all to make sure he didn't get caught. Alcohol... harmless right? Let him have it, right? *shakes head*

For now it's one day a time.

I do plan on making a doctor's appointment for myself and getting some blood work done. I want to make sure that the weight I have lost isn't as bad as everyone else seems to think it is. They may be right. I noticed on the weekend that I felt my ribs. I don't think I have been this thin since I was addicted so I should follow up and make sure it's nothing serious. I have been trying hard I guess to not acknowledge that there could be something wrong. The thought of me not being capable of taking care of things... It's a scary thought.

I'm off to play my Facebook games before work. I hope everyone had a good weekend and *finger's crossed* and a good week.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Excuse me while this snob cleans your room.

The last couple of days and certainly last night and this morning are not going to good. After my last blog post Michael did start taking his Olanzapine again so only missed the one night. The week ended and the weekend was quiet.

Monday when his nurse arrived I brought up that my son had agreed to try upping his Invega from 6 mg to 9 mg as we had discussed it and he agreed. Or so I thought... We had not discussed upping the Invega to replace him coming off the Olanzapine however that seems to be what his intentions were. His nurse said that he would discuss it with his treatment team.

Michael had also brought up to me wanting to try using vitamins. I cautioned him that this can work for some however not everyone and that for the people it do work for, they take lots of supplements sometimes several times a day. Also he needs to be on them for at least several months for the levels to build up in his system before even thinking about reducing medications to see if it will work. For one day he took all the supplements I gave him. The next day refused the Omega 3, a really important one if this is going to work, and nothing since that.

As of Tuesday things have been going down hill again.

I have no idea what prompted it however he didn't take his Invega or Olanzapine on Tuesday night and was up all night. I can't tell you exactly what he was up to other then some odd stuff.

In the middle of the night, one of the times that I got up to check on him, he was totally naked and acting guilty. I didn't really register this until I was back in bed. I reminded him about his pills and left it at that.

Wednesday morning he was lying on the sofa covered up with his blanket. I won't go into detail other then based on the sounds I was hearing and how he was lying... I'm pretty sure he was masturbating. Several times I 'interrupted' him and finally told him if he was going to keep doing it that he needed to go to his room. Off he went.

Later that morning I went into his room to clean as it was getting ridiculous in there. Even though I hadn't caught him again it was obvious he was smoking in there as there was more and more ashes and tobacco all over where he was putting them out on lord knows what since he had no ashtray. The first things I noticed was that he had sometime during the night grabbed the hammer and the knife sharpener. No I don't know why and he wouldn't tell me. I moved a box to clean and behind it was cigarette butts and his Olanzapine. So that is where he was stashing what he didn't want me to find.

I took the hammer, knife sharpener and Olanzapine downstairs and calmly asked him what he was doing with the hammer and knife sharpener. Like I said, he wouldn't tell. Just said the he thought he might need them for something. Then I asked him if we were back to him hiding his pills from me. His response was to tell me to stop being such a snob and that I had no right to yell at him or give him attitude for not taking his Olanzapine. One, I wasn't yelling and two, the point was that he hid them from me not that he didn't take them and three, he was still smoking in his room and lying to me about it.

I went back up to continue cleaning and vacuuming his room. Under his table I found his Invega. He says he didn't take them because he didn't sleep. They are no longer sedating for him so that is not logical. They do however slow his mind down so that he can sleep. Anyways this logic made sense to him :). I asked him for his cigarettes as they need to stay downstairs since I can't trust him. He handed them over then out of the blue told me dinner the night before was disgusting (it wasn't). No worries I won't be making dinner tonight... I got told to fuck off.

I let him know that he just lost his cigarettes (hubby bought them). A little while later I noticed that he was going outside and leaving the yard. Red flag. I went upstairs and checked and sure enough he had gone into my closet and grabbed a pack of smokes. I asked for them back... got called a bitch so I disconnected the internet.

We didn't talk much the rest of the day ;). Somewhat later he asked me what was for dinner. Before you think that he was psychotic or whatnot and didn't remember what had happened, he did. He was very much aware of what he said to me and it wasn't said spur of the moment. It was said on purpose. I told him whatever he made for himself. Hubby and I went out... He made himself noodles.

After we returned my son asked to talk. Stating it wasn't his fault that it was because he didn't take his pills and was up all night. If he took his pills that night could he have his cigarettes back. It wasn't my fault that he didn't take his pills either and I don't deserve to be talked to like that. I told him I wasn't going to negotiate with him about taking his pills. He needs to take them because he needs to take them and no he wasn't getting his cigarettes back that day.

He took his pills :), went to sleep early and as far as I know slept through the night. Yesterday morning I gave him a pack of cigarettes. We had a short conversation about what happened and he acknowledged that I didn't yell at him and that he guesses he needs to take his pills for now. My first thoughts were: Yeah, some insight. No... He was just saying what he thought I needed to hear.

At dinner time he asked for the internet back. I agreed however let him know that moving forward he was going to be losing it for longer for swearing at me so forewarned.

Last night he asked me to rub his back. He started talking about his Olanzapine being poison so he wouldn't take it. Took the Invega. Delusional talk about forcing his body to sweat was building up muscle and made up words stating that he had learned in chemistry in school. I did chemistry for three years and I don't recall that word. Well I went to school in Newfoundland and that place is... hmm I forget the word he used but not a nice one. For starters I also went to high school in Ontario and Newfoundland however surprising it may seem (Canadians will understand the reference) had a much harder curriculum. I told him that I thought he was being delusional, that he wasn't making sense to me and went to bed.

Several time between 9 and 3:30 I checked on him and kept reminding him to take his Olanzapine. By 3:30 he started asking for cigarettes and banging on walls. His bedroom wall is also my husband's bedroom wall (remember he has his own room for sleeping) and it was waking me up in my room. Once I gave him a cigarette then told him no because he will be out of cigarettes by noon if I gave him a pack them. 3:30 he stating he was going to make coffee...

Hubby was nice this morning and fed Gucci (our cat) so she wasn't doing her usual head-butting. I got to sleep in until 6 (if you can call being constantly woken up, sleeping in) when Michael came in and got me up asking for his cigarettes. I gave him a pack. As I'm walking down the stairs I'm noticing finger prints and smudges all over the walls. Same in his room even though I had washed the smudges off on Wednesday. Now two of his bedroom walls are full of them again. He says it's from him punching the walls and skin coming off. I did find his empty Olanzapine wrapper so I'm guessing he did finally take it sometime between 3:30 and 6.

As I was walking down the stairs he said that he wanted to talk to me about something. I'm pretty sure it's about either money or most likely marijuana as yesterday he told me that he hasn't been happy for over a year now so he should be able to smoke some now can we discuss it. No we cannot. No amount of sympathy gaining/manipulation is going to make me agree to marijuana. Anyways I just told him this morning that whatever it is he wants to talk about is going to have to wait because I just got up and I would like some coffee.

A little later he sits in the living room. He knows that his bothers me. He puts his feet on the coffee table, usually with shoes on (like this morning) and bounces his legs/feet. So the coffee table is making a racket, the floor is vibrating and I haven't even finished my first cup of coffee. After several times telling him to stop it he finally went to his room. Of course he is up there making a racket that he says he isn't.

I guess it's a combination of his ADHD and schizophrenia that when he gets a bit unstable he becomes very loud physically. He doesn't walk, he stomps. He doesn't sit, he drops/plunks onto furniture. He isn't gentle with anything that he touches or uses.

I guess that good thing I can try to take away from this is having a better idea of where his stability is at (or not at). If missing one dose of medications is going to have this affect than it's good to know. Although there is something else that I have been pondering and didn't mention. I guess it was two weekends ago when hubby and my son got their hair cut. Well while at the barber we ran into his 'friend' from across the hall at the old apartment. Hubby and I tried to keep an eye on them talking just in case there was an exchange of any type (marijuana). We didn't see anything and I have been trying not to over think it however he has been starting to slip since shortly after that. Combine this with some of the guilty behavior that I have been seeing like hiding his hands under the blanket when I walk into his room when he isn't smoking cigarettes, him stating yesterday that he must have been going through withdrawal or something... has me wondering. He has been keeping his hoodies on and it's not hot in here which used to be a red flag for him having stuff on him. I have checked them when I can and haven't found anything however that doesn't mean anything. Throw in Michael now asking me about letting him smoke it when that hasn't been brought up in a long time... Oh well.

*fingers crossed* that when/if his case worker from PACT drops off his medications today that his Invega has been upped. I'm not counting on it but it would be nice. Oh yeah... He missed group on Wednesday which sucks as it was strawberry picking.

On a good note, I might have a job! Talked to a lady yesterday and went over what the position is. Basically inside sales, from home. Something a little new to me although I do have some knowledgeable of the concept, requirements and expectations since I did work for a recruiting firm for over 9 years.

I did quit smoking on Sunday. So far, so good. Wednesday was a bit of a test ;). The patches are really helping so I'm rarely getting cravings. When I do then I also have lozenges which I'm using about 3 times a day. Like now :).

My goal today. Getting my son in the shower. It's been weeks and it's been a bit since I washed him. Also the last shower he did have, didn't help much. The big question: How to accomplish this?

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Define Odd

I have used the word odd a couple of times today and after the last time, I thought to myself: What does odd mean? Well... for me it means things that make you go hmm... I won't say things that aren't normal as our normal is odd ;) So things that stand out for me within our 'normal'.

At 9 AM this morning I was thinking about titling this blog post: Sadly I know where my child is... And it was standing outside the liquor store waiting for it to open since he got his disability money today. He returned stating that they didn't open until 10 AM so he got munchies instead. I did check the times online and they open at 10. Now it's 12 and he has not gone back out. Yes this is odd... or red flag material. He was awake 30 minutes ago. So what changed? He was awake this morning at 5:30 when I got up, most likely counting down the time to when he could get to the liquor store. He was at the liquor store for 9. Now it's 12...

Could he have gotten a hold of marijuana instead? A distinct possibility. He hasn't been down for a cigarette in a bit either. Awake, not smoking, just lying there... usually not good signs. He was playing one of his games this morning before he went out. Of course I could be over-thinking... I doubt it though.

I guess it was Friday that my son asked me for $3 to go to the store for candy. I was busy paying bills and not really thinking and gave him the $3. He left on his bike. He doesn't need his bike to go get candy since we have a corner store almost attached to the the town-home complex. Between that $3 and other change he had been collecting he went and got a mickey (small bottle) of vodka.

I can say that I was pissed. Of all the things that one can say or do that I will tolerate, lying is the one thing that will get me madder then anything else. I didn't say much just let him know that I was pissed off. He said that he deserved to get the alcohol. I deserve to not be lied to!

Hubby and I left to take Gucci to the vet. She got her booster and a clean bill of health. Her sneezing is fairly common and nothing to worry about unless it gets worse. It has been getting better as she settles in. Apparently stress can trigger it. Who knew? Got her a toothbrush and poultry flavored enzymatic toothpaste as she had some plaque on her back teeth. So ya I'm learning how to brush a cats teeth ;)

I don't know if it was Friday or Saturday night but my son decided he really wanted a PRN which means a benzo. It must have been Saturday as I think he was craving alcohol pretty bad. He asked me to take him to the hospital. I actually said no that I wasn't spending 6-12 hours in emergency because he was going through withdrawals and they won't give him a benzo anyways. They will most likely give him more Olanzapine and he is already taking the max dose of that. I know this may sound harsh however it's not the first time he has done this to get a benzo and it probably won't be the last. He started getting mad and told me I had no idea what he was going through... My cue to leave the room which I did. A little while later he comes downstairs and watches TV with us. Then really nicely asks me if I will go to the store and get him some NyQuil. *high five* for trying... I told him no that I know he only wants it for the alcohol content which effectively ended that conversation.

A little note: If you know someone recovering from or trying to get sober. Keep them away from cough syrups etc that contain alcohol. If you know someone recovering from or trying to get clean from drugs. Be careful of over the counter cold medications. As far as I know crystal meth/speed is made from the same active ingredient. These things can be an instant trigger for relapse without the person even being aware that they have put themselves in that situation.

I tried to get a little creative on Sunday. Decided to take some pictures so that I could make some picture posts for my Facebook page. A couple of hours later, looked at them on the computer... They were all date stamped with 2007/01/01. Hopefully I can crop that off of most of them.

Sunday night my son randomly asked me about tetanus shots. He said that his robot had injected him with one...

This caused me to start thinking about his Citalopram/Celexa as for some reason I thought his last bottle of vodka was on Tuesday instead of Friday so it shouldn't be still affecting his psychosis. He is downing these mickeys or 375 ml bottles of vodka or rum like Kool-Aid. Either way the antidepressant doesn't appear to be doing him any good and in fact may be hindering his recovery as it can do for some people diagnosed with schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. So as of yesterday I have cut his dose in half from 20 mg to 10 mg.

His nurse was here yesterday and I discussed this with her. She acknowledged that it was possible and said she would let his psychiatrist and team know that I was doing this. I would stop it completely however I don't want him experiencing withdrawal or negative side affects from coming off it cold turkey as can happen with these medications.

Yesterday afternoon my son tells me that he is: Seemingly having a really good day. I responded that that was good and I was happy for him. Shortly after I paused... How many times has he done this for me to find out that the reason he is having a 'good day' is because he has abused a medication or is using when I didn't know it. I counted my Venlafaxine. They are all there.

I'm still worried though. We have been very careful to not say Adderall in front of my son. My hubby is on this for his ADHD and if you recall it triggered my son's psychosis in July last year. We usually refer to it as my hubby's ADHD med... Well the other I let it slip and my son was in the car with us... Can I trust my son to not get into them? Unfortunately I can't. My hubby did have them stashed in the car just in case and I said he was overreacting... Maybe he's not. Just in case I should count them I guess.

My son has been having a lot of baths since he's been back home. I think part of this is for 'private time' as I have caught him several times now. Why am I catching him? Because he is not closing the bathroom door. Same with yesterday I went to go upstairs and he is in his room masturbating with the door open. Not the first time. I'm being cautioned to not go upstairs in my own home because he is masturbating! I have heard that tactile hallucinations can fuel this so I'm not sure if that is what this is or just my son being hormonal. Either is possible. Regardless it needs to be addressed somehow. He can masturbate all he wants but he really needs to learn consideration and how to do it privately. As well as follow up hygiene.

It's 2 PM now and he just left for the 'store'... *sigh*

Going to see what I can do with those pictures I took and try not to over-think what the next week is going to be like.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Is there something wrong with....? Misophonia.

In my last blog post I spoke about my concern that my son may not be on the right or right dose of medications. I didn't speak about his vaporizer. I know that when he chews snuff or chewing tobacco that this seems to trigger his symptoms somewhat. Nicotine stimulates dopamine which as we know can cause/contribute to psychosis. The E-liquid that my son is currently smoking is non-nicotine. Does that mean that it isn't stimulating the pleasure/reward (dopamine) parts of his brain? I think that it is.

Saturday he used his vaporizer a lot. So this may be what is contributing to my son's current hiccup in experiencing voices and/or symptoms. The amount of medications that he is on may or may not be enough depending on what he is doing to counteract what the medications are trying to do. Still I have to remind myself that it has only been three months since he 'broke his brain' in a manner of speaking. It takes time to heal and as I said to his Nana: He is limping. :)

He still has voices... Not to hard to tell that he is 'listening' as he responds to either his voices or thoughts by laughing out loud and sometimes he is way to content to just lie there with a big smile on his face. They are entertaining ;)

The last couple of nights he has started to slip a bit and is staying up late again and therefor sleeping in. This morning I refused to go in and turn off his cell phone alarm that is set for 10 AM. He finally got up and turned it off at 10:45...

A little add in about myself... I think I may have Misophonia. Also known as Selective Sound Sensitivity Syndrome. Basically hatred of sound(s). Thankfully I don' t have it to the extend of outside heavy machinery bothering me... Not usually anyways. However the irrational anger at certain types of noises that I consider to be unnecessary like wheezing, chewing and other mouth noises including grunting and groaning to name a few. I can honestly say they make me want to.... So yah! I actually brought it up to my hubby's doctor yesterday if he had heard of it. Yes he has. Treatment can be CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy. I do use this to a certain degree as so far I have not physically lashed out at my hubby (and sometimes my son), even though there are times I want to hurt them, because I love them and know they aren't doing it on purpose. There have been several times sitting between them when I felt like losing it. Hubby grunting, groaning and crumpling things and my son wheezing... Fun times!

So back to the alarm going off for 45 minutes... Yes it was driving me crazy. He got up and came out and went back to sleep on the sofa. We all know how much I'm against that... however I didn't say anything even with his snoring! 1:20 PM I tell him he needs to get up and do something... anything. His response was: Is there something wrong with me just lying here? And do what?

Right or wrong has nothing to do with it. He is slowly getting his nights and days messed up again and spending that much time just lying there in his own 'head space' is not good for him. As for doing what... I don't care what. Play a game, watch his tablet, do laundry, tidy his room... I told him I was going out for a cigarette and I wanted him up by the time I came back. He was heading out for a smoke when I came back in!

He was playing a game for bit. Star Wars... Which he can play for free! Remind me of this the next time he asks me to pay for it so he can have better items. Now his room is quiet.

He did do the dishes on Wednesday. He commented that we should be doing them every day. I do... Shows how much he pays attention. I don't have a dishwasher and only one sink so letting dishes pile up for days is not an option. It was actually a nice feeling. Him doing the dishes, me making a loaf of bread and us just being together doing 'normal' stuff.

Yesterday he came with hubby and I for hubby's doctors appointment. It was a good opportunity to get him in clean track pants and have him do some basic hygiene. We went to Burger King (fast food restaurant) for dinner. I don't mind missing cooking sometimes...

I have a new disorder to learn a bit about! Aspergers. I think hubby is... and his doctor thinks I may be right. There are things that ADHD just doesn't cover and a lot of the Aspergers traits seems to be what I'm seeing. I assured hubby that I wasn't looking to have him on another medication. I wanted his doctor to give us some good resources or reading material like his other two books. He will in the future. For right  now we are keeping things as they are with his two medications as decreasing the Ciprelax hasn't been easy on him. I assured his doctor, despite hubby's complaints, that he was doing awesome! I have been impressed! I guess I need to tell hubby that. Hubby and doctor where happy to hear it. ;)

I almost forget to mention disability. In case you follow me on Twitter and saw my murphy's law comment. That letter I previously mentioned that his case worker had received from his old disability office... had incorrect dates/facts on it. It stated that his file was opened January 2013 and closed December 2014. No mention of the dates in between where it had been closed and re-opened. So yes they are looking into processing his file HOWEVER the payments that he received out here from August to September 2014 are now considered an over-payment as he was according to this letter receiving income assistance out there and you can't 'double dip'. Peachy isn't it?

I of course called BC disability... Sat on hold for well over 20 minutes and no surprise got disconnected like I always do. Called his case worker at PACT and left her a message stating the issue.

Just waiting to confirm if we can book the moving truck and if we can then we are moving on the 21st! Yes!

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support & Facebook Page

Yesterday hubby and I did go for dinner together. I'm glad that we did. Sometimes it feels really good to get out and spend some one on one time with my hubby that isn't centered around grocery shopping, doctor's appointments or errands. Around 7 PM my son asks: Are you making dinner? No...

His case worker was here today and discussed with him what support meant. Asked him when the last time was that he went grocery shopping by himself? Never. Does he know how to grocery shop or what to look for? He knows what he likes to eat. Does he have any bills that he pays? No. Does he cook meals? No. Does he know how to use public transit? Yes (if there is drugs or alcohol involved lol). Does he do his own laundry? Yes (still not done from two weeks ago). Does he shower regularly? When it gets bad enough (when I insist). Does he know what medications he is taking or prescribed? Yes Invega (and Olanzapine). Does he know the doses? No. Does he take them on his own? Yes (I remind him sometimes/usually).

His case worker had him call and leave a message with the lady from housing support stating that he now understands what support means and that he is willing to accept it. I stayed out of the conversation as much as I could so that I didn't trigger any defiance in him. :)

Yesterday I was informed that his psychiatrist had discontinued his Trazodone prescription. Today I asked his case worker why because even though me may not take it often, sometimes it is needed and it's a PRN anyways... Apparently his nurse had advised his psychiatrist that he wasn't taking it so that is why. Good logic! If he stops taking his Invega would they stop prescribing that too?! Geesh! His case worker said she would let them know that he does take it sometimes.

You may want to hold onto something... My son just did the dishes! I think I'm smiling like an idiot, on the inside anyways. As much as I would like to make a big deal of this I know that it's not a good idea. Sometimes it can be taken as belittling or condescending and with my son it usually gives him the ok to not do anything else... I did say a very nice thank you! Think I'm going to go outside for a cigarette so I can smile like an idiot for a minute! Be right back...

Remember the calendars that I said I was going to print yesterday? Well I printed some for this month and next month. I noted what days he is supposed to cook, do dishes and clean the toilet. Today is the day for dishes. Of course he isn't looking at them on his own. Baby steps right? I pointed out to him that today is dishes day. No movement to do them... A little while later I reminded him again. He asked what was for dinner and if it could be the salmon I took out yesterday. I did buy it because he said he likes salmon. I told him we were having salmon but I wasn't going to start dinner until he did the dishes and that it would be better for him to do them before I made more dirty. If he didn't do the dishes then I wouldn't cook dinner and I would go out instead. He said this wasn't fair. I asked if he had any money? No. When he does then we will discuss fair.

Shortly after he got up to do the dishes asking for help as he had no idea how. I helped him get started and he did them! Soap suds galore! :) I'm also making honey roasted carrots for dinner since he really likes them too! Wish me luck on the salmon as I think this is my first attempt at making it.

I decided to start a Facebook page. I sometimes feel like I may be over posting mental health posts on my normal news feed. I started one before but I never gave it much of a chance. With this page I can post to my hearts content! Also I can't post news articles etc here so I feel like I'm missing out on passing on information that someone may find useful.

If you are interested then this is the page: Facebook Page: Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey

I was thinking about reminding my son, again, about his laundry but I think I will leave that until tomorrow. He is playing games etc today for the first time in probably over a week.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

What's my issue?

Apparently it's reality...

My son received his phone call this morning from the housing lady. It's housing for those who need mental and physical support or help. According to my son he requires no help - just a place to live. Oh and help cooking...

Based on this phone conversation the lady called his case worker at PACT and let her know that they will not be putting him on any wait-lists due to what he had to say during the phone interview. I was asked if he knew what support meant? I replied: I guess not...

I tried to discuss this with my son. Tried... and failed.

I pointed out that he doesn't know how to cook, clean, pay bills, grocery shop or even take care of his personal hygiene. He doesn't brush his teeth unless I tell him too. He goes way to long in between showers. He has needed to do laundry for two weeks. BUT he doesn't need support?! I didn't even mention schizophrenia and/or medication management. How can they possibly help him if he won't acknowledge that he needs the support/help that they are there for? They can't. They can't be responsible for putting him into an environment that he can't handle or won't ask for the help and assistance to handle it.

Somehow he got it into his head that he would be getting housing. Which apparently isn't true. So the lady from housing lied to his case worker who is lying to me? My son: Yes, my case worker is lying.

Is my son being delusional? I think he is very much in denial, by choice. Plus he is used to no one calling him out on his lies and manipulations. I'm the only one that appears to do so.

I'm well aware what is motivating his want to even move out. Perhaps that had a part to play as well. I heard him tell the lady on the phone that he doesn't like the rules here of no drugs and alcohol and that he wants to be able to bring home a bottle of wine every now and then. To the trained ear that said a lot. He doesn't care about paying bills or grocery shopping. He cares about having the freedom to get drunk and/or high when he wants.

I'm pretty sure in his eyes he doesn't even have to worry because once he spends all of his money on alcohol and marijuana he will just pick of his cell phone (that I'm paying for) and start calling his Dad and Nana or even his sister (she's working now!) and start asking for money. That's the only time he calls anyone is when he wants something.

Yes I have an issue... I don't know what to do now. I believe my son needs a reality check. He needs to face reality. He needs to acknowledge his own limitations and what his real goals and motivations are.

Where does this leave us? I don't know...

I think tonight hubby and I are going to go out for dinner. Forget thinking about it. We are! There is lots of things here to eat and honestly he can fend for himself for change. He should be happy I'm not doing what I was thinking about doing and making him get his own internet. Wait he can't... He has no income! What is he currently doing with what little money he does have? Buying and scratching scratch tickets. Hoping to win big I'm guessing ;)

He did win a little and went to get more. I didn't respond when he asked: Mom. Can you scratch them for me? His tone was very... whinny, childlike and manipulative. What's up with that?

I do have to print some blank calendars. I have been meaning to do that since my son blames me for him not doing the three chores a week that he agreed to do. I'm not reminding him and I should put in on a calendar for him. Ok, done!

ADHD Tip: How to Organize Your Family and Household

His case worker is coming by tomorrow morning. Maybe she will have more luck talking some sense into him.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Building Blocks, Things I Need to Work On.

Building blocks went through my mind the other day as I was talking to my son about money and cigarettes. I asked a leading question: Why do you not have any cigarettes? I knew the answer but I wanted to see if he was able to put two and two together and understand that consequences of his own actions. His response: Because I sold my carton of cigarettes. He sold ten packs of cigarettes and didn't even get enough money to buy two packs. Then ended up going back to the person he sold them too and getting back one of the packs. I ended up giving him some of my husbands. I explained to my son that the responsibility of this is on him and his choices. He would still have half a carton of cigarettes if he had not done what he did.

My son's 21st birthday is coming up. I know this may sound harsh however I agreed to purchase him cigarettes but he is to pay me back from the birthday money that he will be receiving from other family members. It will be his choice if he wants to buy expensive ones and be left with less money or learn to be responsible and buy the cheaper ones that he can afford (or quit). He actually bought even cheaper ones than he used to get! Impressive right?

Like I said I know it sounds a little harsh to do this regarding his birthday money however there is always something... Christmas and hospitalizations are two of them. Always reasons to not help my son learn responsibility and consequences for his own actions. Reasons that I can no longer afford or support.

Through no fault of his own and admittedly with my help my son has not learned some of the basic building blocks of being responsible or mature. For too many years he has been sheltered from the consequences of his own actions because he has schizophrenia. No it's not his fault... Still I'm beginning to see the error in not holding my son accountable for the choices that he sometimes make. Yes he has schizophrenia but he is not without the capability of understanding the consequences of those choices. Choices that everyone else, including myself, shoulder the responsibility for. Choices that I'm really beginning to see have very little to do with my son's schizophrenia.

A saying I like to use with my son is: The proof is in the pudding. When my son is not being given the opportunity to run away from his life here... The change in him and his attitude is night and day. Although his birthday is coming up so I could be mis-reading all of this...

Wednesday night things could have gone pretty badly. We were quickly heading to a repeat of September and a shelter. He was doing what he has been taught that he can do and get away with which was lying and manipulating. Thankfully it did not come to that again...

Since Thursday morning... Like I said night and day. My son's schizophrenia symptoms have not changed but his attitude has. Mom I have decided that I want to stay here and deal with... Really the choice was made for him but still it's the thought... Due to his symptoms he has not been doing too much. Still staying up late most nights and over all lying around. The difference is how he is going about it. He seems more willing to accept the idea that what he is experiencing is schizophrenia symptoms. He seems more willing to at least for right now be medication compliant. I have told him that he can't run from himself or schizophrenia. All this will follow him until he can learn to manage it. Perhaps by not being able to run from one thing he is also not running from other things as well?

He is back to doing things for himself. Not a lot but he is trying. Mom can you do...? No but I can show you how. And that is what I do. The other day I showed him how to make a tuna sandwich since he likes how I spice the tuna. A tuna sandwich may not sound like much but when my son has gone long periods without lifting a finger to do anything for himself, it's more then a start. If he only picks up some of the garbage when I'm tidying up his room, it's better then not helping at all. If he misses items while picking up after himself in the living room, he is picking up after himself. He did a load of laundry on Friday with little prompting from me. He still has another load to do and maybe today I can get him to tackle it.

I have been thinking about my part to play in all this. How I can help to build the right foundation with the right building blocks. He has missed out on so much including a reasonably normal child and parent relationship which includes arguments and butting heads over responsibilities and boundaries. Both of my kids have... I think I blogged a little while ago that I'm pretty fed up with schizophrenia. I have allowed it to control almost every aspect of our lives when it doesn't need to. Schizophrenia like any disease or disorder is not all of who my son is. He is a person outside of that and that person is not always Mr. Sunshine. Neither am I for that matter ;)

As a child grows and learns the boundaries of what s/he can or cannot do... My son has never learned those boundaries. Instead he has run from parent to parent to grandparent which we allowed. Each of us in turn contributing to what I can now see is probably more behavioral issues then mental illness.

I have been trying to think through and decide what to do about my son living with me long-term or being in the group home. I do believe that the group home is the best choice for him. Not the easy choice but the best choice. Currently we are experiencing a calm time... It never lasts though. And in the end my son can't live at home forever. He needs to take those steps out into adulthood.

What can I do? I think I need to reread how to discipline ADHD and ODD children and how to set appropriate boundaries and not be drawn into stupid arguments. This is a big one as I'm pretty sure my son tried to draw me into one last night. He again wanted a ride over to his friend's house or partner in instability is what I've given to calling him in my head. I of course said no to giving him a ride. I didn't say no to him going, I'm just not going to contribute to or enable the choice of drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana. Like I have referenced before (I think), I wouldn't drive him to a crack house so why would I drive him to a marijuana house... The reality is that right now alcohol and marijuana are as dangerous to my son as crack-cocaine is to me (a recovering addict) perhaps even more so as using will make him psychotic.

I blogged about ODD here: Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and Anger

The harder part in all this may be the age appropriate boundaries... How to tell what is age appropriate for someone recovering from psychosis. I guess I will have to wing it... I know that he is capable of doing much much more then he is willing to do. Control myself, pick my battles, resist rescuing him from consequences and build on the positives! Bless him as he even makes building on the positives a hard one. It's like praising him gives him the idea that he can stop trying...

When I said that I wasn't taking him and that I wasn't going to discuss it further he asked me: What can we discuss then!? Ironically watching my husband refrain from saying anything even though I could see it pissing him off, helped me to not respond. It was obvious by my son's tone that he was looking for an argument. Piss me off and I would be more willing to have him out of the home and therefore give him a ride. I'm learning from my husband! Yes pick me up off the floor ;). It's a good learning curve for me though and I need to spend some time reading the books he is reading as I know that I'm not above learning and I really don't know everything... ;)

I blogged about these books here: Hello 2015! CBT and Mindfullness

I think I'm finally over that god awful cold! Now that I'm feeling better I can start putting myself in a better frame of mind and start taking care of things again. I sometimes mentally shake my head at myself as I let things slide entirely too far. I stopped doing all or most of the things that I tell other caregivers to do for themselves. Shame on me! I don't know where she went but my normal upbeat self got lost there for a little bit. I'm glad I'm coming back :) I need to take care of me too and that means not missing vitamins and supplements, doing my stretches and taking some time away from schizophrenia and mental health related things.

We are moving! So I need to start getting organized. I can't do much yet as we don't have an exact moving date but I can start clearing out things as I get back into the routine of doing more then the bare minimum around here. A little or lot of housework will do me some good!

To my sister if you are still reading: Thank you for the tablet for my son! He is enjoying it very much!

Mom
BarbieBF

Why am I never bored?

My son opened his presents on Christmas Eve. He really liked his tobacco pipe and accessories, was pleasantly surprised by his pocket watch and not surprisingly hasn't touched or looked at his Lego's since opening them even though he seemed to like the idea of getting them. 

Christmas day passed fairly quietly. I spent most of it in the kitchen. Started the turkey around 11, then made breakfast. Most of the afternoon I spent doing dishes, checking the turkey and then after our turkey dinner, which my son really enjoyed, was more dishes and making turkey soup. I think I finally finished in the kitchen around 9:30. 

Last night we had a short conversation about the fact that he is bored with life. He asked me if I was ever bored? Rarely... I'm capable of filling in my time quite easily. I have things in my life that have meaning for me. The forum and my blog are two things that can take up a lot of my time. I'm also the one doing most things at home and making sure everything is being taken care of. Honestly when would I have a chance to be bored when I have 2 males (and a daughter) in my life keeping me on my toes? I wouldn't mind a little boredom! 

Today my son's friend from across the hall knocked on the door and asked my son to come over... A little while later my son comes back and lies down on the sofa. I'm looking at his face and when he looks at me I can see it in his eyes as well, what looks like the after affect of smoking marijuana. I ask him he smoked and he said no that he had 1 beer. I reply that his eyes are telling a different story. I have been hearing that excuse from both him and his friend for well over a year now and since one of them usually, eventually, admits the truth I doubt that I'm wrong this time either. I have watched my son drink vodka and not look like that but I'm supposed to believe that 1 beer has that affect. That conversation didn't go well and I was called a douche-bag a couple of times and being told to kick him out. This time I grabbed my phone and let him know that I want this on video that I'm sick of his attitude and of him putting words in my mouth that I'm not saying. I got a lovely video of my son giving me the finger! I left to take out the garbage, knocked on his friend's door and let him know that if he wants to give my son drugs or alcohol then he can keep him there that I'm tired of it!

Since then my son has asked to talk about it... Honestly I'm not in the mood. A little while later I get asked if we can do 3 meals a day like in the hospital? Translation can you cook for me 3 times a day? No I cannot. He is quit capable of getting himself something to eat as is evidenced by the items currently left out on the counter. I reminded him that when he moves into the townhouse that he apparently wants to go to so bad that his roommates won't be making him even one meal a day.

I'm not having a good day... If I had somewhere to go, I would be there. On Christmas day my husband broke out in hives. It looks like he is having an allergic reaction to a new medication he is on for ADHD. Yes my hubby was recently diagnosed with ADHD. The first medication made him angrier so he started another one. Christmas day was two weeks on it. Hives in the appropriate places as well as trouble swallowing. We have also decreased his Ciprelax by 5 mg as the goal is to get him off that medication as we believe his anxiety symptoms is related to ADHD so not the right medication. It's a slow process of decreasing one medication while adding the ADHD medication. Obviously none of this is going according to plan either. He has been crankier because of the decrease in Ciprelax and now because of the hives, even though it was working, we have had to stop the new medication. Add hives and non-stop itchiness which he seemed to have very little self-control over not itching and I'm pretty fed up with him too. Do I know what it's like to itch like that? Hmm... I'm a female so certain types of itching are not new to me. I once had an allergic reaction to oxy's and itched head to toe for 8 hours. I've had 20-30 mosquito bites at one time. Yes it's hard but you are only making the hives worse! 

Last night out of the blue hubby's temper flares yet again. Pardon the swearing. Jesus Christ Barb, what the fuck am I supposed to do? It took me about 3 seconds to very sweetly reply with: Hmmm... Go fuck yourself? We haven't spoken to each other since. If it's not appropriate for my son to swear at me, when did it become appropriate for my hubby to swear at me? Simple. It's not. And as is normal this will continue until I fix it... I ended up having to take over doing the laundry that hubby was going to help me with because he didn't have the patience to do it. I don't think that I ask or expect much from anyone and I still get disappointed. Everyone else seems to have the freedom to be unhappy, cranky, moody, angry... and I'm supposed to what?

Now my son is at me to sell the Wii u since it's 'his' that replaced the PS4. Both purchased on my credit card and are here for his enjoyment while in the home but for legal purposes the Wii u is mine. He doesn't want his Lego's either. I would bet my left arm that this has more to do with the marijuana he didn't smoke next door today. We have an Xbox, he didn't want the PS4 and now doesn't want the Wii u. To my knowledge there is no other console gaming system so what is he going to exchange it for since that is what he said he wanted to do. He didn't have an answer for that.

I downloaded the Kindle app for reading eBooks on my cell phone and on my computer today to check out a book that was recommended. I actually downloaded a free romance novel! I haven't spent time reading romance in years and it is something that I miss and enjoy doing very much. So I'm going to go make a turkey sandwich, ignore the 2 males in my life and immerse myself into the wonderful world of romance!

Mom

BarbieBF

I sound burnt out? Paranoia?

My son playing the Wii u was short lived... about 15 minutes or so. Then he was throwing air punches. I asked him what he was doing and he said dancing. I replied that I have been dancing for over 30 years and that was not dancing, it looked like sparring to me. He agreed. I told him that I wasn't comfortable with him doing this within 5 feet of me so he went to his room. Shortly after he was lifting my husbands weights and I was somewhat shocked by what was coming out of his mouth. Something about inbred ignorants... I think I talked him through that stating that the circumstances of someone's birth shouldn't be held against them and that technically he was born a bastard... He should be sympathetic... Unfortunately the people we were talking about was obviously visual hallucinations.

Shortly after that his nurse called me back. His psychiatrist wants him to stay on Invega injection, he is not willing to give it every 3 weeks instead of 4 however he is upping the dose from 75 to 100 on his next dose. They will be discussing his case on Tuesday! So in the meantime we are supposed to be supplementing the fact that his Invega is NOT working enough with the Olanzapine. Honestly the whole conversation just pissed me off! I let her know that PACT is causing me to lose faith in them which apparently is fine as I don't have to trust them right just let his psychiatrist do his job. This partially in response to my questions/concerns about his serotonin being messed with too much. I seem to be the only one even looking at this and to date no one has been able to discuss or help me with my research into neurotransmitters. Have faith! Not likely. I let his nurse know what was happening and my feelings that we are seriously failing my son here. How can we expect him to keep insight or stay stable when we are not giving him what he needs. All I got in response was her agreeing with my concerns but not addressing them. Humoring me is not going to help my son. I asked on the schizophrenia.com forum if Olanzapine can cause aggression and it doesn't appear so unless in the context of withdrawal. I also fount out that the PRN dose that my son has been prescribed is actually the maximum dose for that medication. Not really reassuring. His nurse assured me that in her experience it doesn't cause aggression. It was more reassuring to hear it on the forum as these are the people taking and experiencing the affects of these medications.

About half way through this conversation I was told that I sound like I'm getting burnt out. I think I sounded mad and fed up. Honestly if they want me to trust them with my son and not be his psychiatrist then perhaps they need to show me that they can do the job. Sorry I know that I'm sounding harsh however I don't see any of them here, day to day, talking my son through delusional thinking or even helping him to understand what he is going through and experiencing. Telling me to not be his psychiatrist when he is mentally ill would be like telling any parent to not be cook, maid, teacher, therapist... You get my point. It goes with the territory. What am I supposed to say when he starts talking to me about entities? Call your psychiatrist. Talk to your treatment team about what they call voices and/or hallucinations. Ask them about dopamine and serotonin. I'm pretty sure he would believe me more at this point as very few on his treatment team have shown much practical understanding of what he is going through.

Basically I was left with the option to give or not give Olanzapine. To use my own judgement. I did give him one since the consensus on the forum was that it should knock out aggression and is giving in the ER setting for that reason. He said at first that it seemed to be helping but then later said that he felt depressed (hello serotonin blocker!) and today told me that it made him feel sick and he doesn't want me offering it anymore. I did end up giving him an supplement called 5-HTP which helps the body to produce serotonin and he said that he felt better after taking it. He wanted me to leave the bottle out... I said no that to much of it may cause mania. I let him know that the psychiatrist had left him on the Lithium in BC as he was worried about a mood component so he may be schizoaffective. My son asked what that was. It's schizophrenia with a mood component like depression. My son immediately said: Then I'm schizoaffective :) I also reminding him that he had missed his Trazodone the night before which might be further contributing to his low mood since it's supposed to increase serotonin. Honestly how am I supposed to not worry about or talk about dopamine and serotonin when the medications he is taking are having an affect on these neurotransmitters?! Wouldn't it be like not talking about the side affects of any medications and having blinders on to not try to understand? Would a doctor tell someone who is taking chemo to not worry about or talk about the fact that it is also killing the good cells and they may lose their hair or get sick? He did take his Trazodone last night and was sleeping at 12:30 and slept until 10:30.

 Maybe I should consider having him go back on the Clozapine/Clozaril as that only messes with his dopamine (if his psychiatrist will even agree now). As much as I'm not liking or he is not liking the Olanzapine it does seem to be helping to calm his voices/entities. It's just doing it with negative side affects and because of that he doesn't want to take it. *fingers crossed* that we get through until Tuesday or Monday if I need to harass the PACT Team :P

On a side note I know that technically the diagnoses is not the important part but treating symptoms is. Still if someone is schizoaffective instead of schizophrenia then certain medications can carry a higher risk of triggering mania as far as I know. Same with not acknowledging my son's ADHD symptoms. Attributing everything to schizophrenia is not going to help my son be on the right medications.

Paranoia... I can't say that I'm seeing a lot of warning signs however I am seeing some indications that it is there. Yesterday he asked me if he could have a weapon for when he goes outside to protect himself. I reminded him that the weapons he is looking for are considered to be illegal and that I don't think that he needs protection here were we live. I hate the fact that I'm constantly telling him that what he is experiencing is a symptom of schizophrenia however that is what I did, letting him know that paranoia can make him feel like he is not safe or that he needs protection.

On a lighter note. We went grocery shopping last night as my son asked to go rather then waiting until today as he has been asking most of the week for treats and I've been putting him until shopping day. I was on the phone with my daughter so I wasn't paying to much attention at the check out... We get home and my son is taking items out of the grocery bags that I had no idea he had picked up. Haha! He probably added $20-30 to the grocery bill... Hubby said he had noticed him doing it but didn't say thing :)

I'm off to continue to ignore or nicely reply with no to my son's fairly constant requests for marijuana...

Mom
BarbieBF

Contract, housing applications & symptoms

My son's case worker was here yesterday. Several things about that meeting are bothering me. As I stated in my last post I had spent some time looking up, printing and filling out housing applications for my son as he wanted me to do. When his case worker arrived and we started going over the applications she asked me if he was officially diagnosed with ADHD as I noted it as a secondary diagnoses along with addiction. Official? I don't know. Obvious? Yes. Why try him on Adderall, an ADHD medication, if one didn't believe that he had it? I guess if the medication worked then his psychiatrist could say: Yes he has ADHD. It triggered psychosis instead. Hmmm... So all the people diagnosed with schizophrenia who's medications are NOT working are not schizophrenic? It's diagnosed by symptoms not the success rate of medications. Wouldn't the same mindset apply to ADHD? Apparently not. Watch my son's leg go a mile a minute and tell me he is not ADHD... Another item was self-harm. Yes my son has superficially self-harmed in 2011. Apparently it's not schizophrenics but people with personality disorders that self-harm. Ahem... Please read some forums. It may not be common but it does happen. I have personal experience with someone who self-harmed. I didn't know about it, at all, and I saw this person daily. Like someone who self-harms is going to do it in obvious spots that show or tell someone that they are doing it? No, it's done in hidden places like inner thighs, under the arm and even on the torso and they certainly don't voluntarily show it to their treatment team as the shame is too great. When it's done in more obvious places then it's long sleeved shirts and no shorts in the middle of the summer or lots and lots of bracelets that cover up the wrists. Unless looking for the signs is someone going to spot this seeing someone once a week or once a month for 10-30 minutes? If not aware it's even possible will someone even think to look for the signs?

Honestly I sometimes feel so mad at professionals who have their blinders on and refuse to see or do the appropriate research into the conditions they are treating and medications they are prescribing. I don't blame my son's treatment team (maybe I do) however I think they need to be more responsible. My son was prescribed Adderall despite the warnings regarding previous psychosis and addiction. Sometimes they will only prescribe small amounts at a time due to addiction. Does anyone know the mindset of an addict? Unfortunately I do. Some will abuse the medication for a week then go the three weeks without, because they know that in three weeks they can have that high again. They have something to look forward to. Really what are weekend warriors? They are users that work all week just to let lose and use on the weekend. The week of suffering and withdrawal is worth it knowing that the weekend is coming. When I discuss drug seeking characteristics with respect to Neurontin/Gabapentin then it's no, that medication doesn't do that. Again read the forums, there are lots of them, with statements like: Taking Gaba and smoking a joint will get you super high...  It amplifies the affect of the alcohol or drug. Honestly forget what the manufacturer says... They aren't the ones abusing it (hopefully ;)). Gaba has the same addiction risk as Aspirin... Right, because no one has ever gotten addicted to Aspirin! (sarcasm) I was actually reading an article the other day on a new concurrent disorder treatment facility in a neighboring district, that treats mental illness and addiction concurrently or at the same time. They had to get rid of un-monitored hand sanitizer because alcoholics were drinking it. Cough syrup! I learned in a recovery class how common it is for alcoholics to relapse because they got sick and drank cough syrup which triggered them. Apparently some forms of NyQuil is 25% alcohol! That's alcohol. What about drug addiction? We are prescribing medications that are triggering drug seeking behavior, because the manufacturer doesn't say it can do this, and dealing with the consequences. Consequences however that professionals, in my not so humble opinion, are ignoring or lack the knowledge or insight to see. Another article I read yesterday was discussing the fact that even though the risk for prescribing benzodiazepines increases with age that seniors are STILL being prescribed them at a higher rate. Sad isn't it?

They want to keep him on the Invega injection which I understand but it's not working. That's another rant ;) I did just call PACT and left a message stating that it looks like the Invega may be wearing off again and it hasn't even been two weeks. He has been doing a lot of just lying around, doing nothing. Never a good sign with my son. I'm also noticing that him laughing, for no apparent reason, seems to be getting more frequent again. I want to be pro-active instead of waiting another week, when he sees his case worker again, and preferable before the weekend. Catch 22 on this one is that we still don't have his disability or drug card straightened out and considering how much the Invega shot is, the oral form is probably just as expensive. *sigh*

Back to his case workers visit that certainly didn't go according to plan. He ended up having attitude about signing the housing applications which started because he didn't think that the level of support that he needs from these agencies is high but should be low. Tried to explain this meant that he would get more help but no... He doesn't want more help. He refused to sign the group home application as he wants his own room. The group home gives him his own room. He doesn't want someone monitoring his medications, a memory of us discussing group homes in August I guess, so it's to late and he is already in defiant mode. When I pointed this out he tells me not to use that word anymore. He gets mad and tries to put of walls to what I'm saying since he can't defend against it any other way. He decides not to sign anything, that he will do it on his own by contacting the government on his own. We explained that these forms (not the group home one but the other two) are him contacting the government asking for assistance for low income housing. He finally relented and signed one of the forms that is applying for housing where 3-7 people share a townhouse. Still refused to sign the other application through another agency for the same type of housing. He can certainly be a conundrum as he is putting up roadblocks to getting what he says he wants. His case worker also tried to talk to him about that fact that he needs to show that he is capable of living on his own before PACT will put him into a living environment that he can't handle. Forms are being filled out that quit frankly state that he is not even capable of taking care of his hygiene without assistance not alone do grocery shopping, cook or clean. A group home is a stepping stone in this goal of his to be independent. Honestly what am I saying... He doesn't want to be independent, he wants no rules and the freedom to get high and drunk whenever he wants.

Since this visit didn't go to well I decided to do something else. I did up a Room & Board Contract between my son and I (and hubby). I think I covered anything that I could think of that has been or could be an issue between us regarding expectations. It outlines what his room and board payments cover and what he is responsible for. Respect, Privacy, Noise, Cooking, Cleaning, Drugs & Alcohol among other things have been spelled out in the contract. One day a week he has to cook dinner, do the dishes and help clean the bathroom (toilet). I let him pick which day he wanted to do these things. He picked Monday for cooking a meal, Wednesday or Thursday for doing the dishes and Friday for cleaning the toilet. He wanted to pick an 'or day' for cleaning the toilet and I said no, it's a 3 minute job. We both signed it and I gave him his own copy. Today he is supposed to clean the toilet... I didn't stipulate by what time... my bad. Haha! Sometimes I get lucky... I asked him what time and he picked 3... then picked 4... I asked why the change? He is going to be thinking about it until then anyways so 4 would be the latest that he could think about it. I'm pretty sure this is an ADHD type of thinking as it's like over-thinking yet without the action because his thoughts and nervous system are not on the same level of stimulation. I said that I didn't get it, why spend hours thinking about something when he could just get up and do it and then it is done and over with... I didn't faint... He said ok I'll do it now. I told him what to do and he did it! Score one for mom! I'm curious to see how many of these things he will do before he starts asking to be paid for doing chores. I did put stipulations in the contract stating that room & board doesn't cover candies, goodies, energy drinks etc unless previously approved. Not because I won't ever get him any but because if I let him he makes it a daily thing and he does need to start learning limits. Once he does take that step out into the real world there will be limits, expectation and rules that he will have to learn to manage and deal with. Poor kid has been getting a lot of no's lately however I can't do it all.

Maybe I will go into my rant/concerns about Invega considering the conversation I just had with my son. I asked him what is happening with his schizophrenia or thoughts considering what I have been seeing for the past two days. He says he doesn't have the want to do things like play his games. He doesn't have the want because his schizophrenia is getting in the way of him doing the things in this reality that bring him enjoyment. He told me that he has an entity standing in front of him and he wants to be able to tell me about him. We ended up discussing words like sacrament and sacrilege that I had to look up the definition for and explain to him that he is misusing words or making up meanings for them which is his schizophrenia. He shouldn't be sacrementing or killing entities. He shouldn't be dealing with them at all if he can't understand that they are not real and a manifestation of his brain producing too much dopamine. He wants to smoke marijuana and get high. I can understand that since his symptoms are acting up and getting high will ease them and give him a break from his voices or audio/visual hallucinations. If he is seeing entities than he is experiencing visual hallucinations. He seems surprisingly accepting of my explanations at the moment that it is his schizophrenia, not real and that we may need to up his antipsychotics to get rid of them before they start to irritate him. Preferable today before it gets bad enough that he may need to be admitted again. If he is admitted again then chances are he will be inpatient for at least 3 weeks which we don't want happening. It's different to have this type of conversation with my son and to have him be open and not deny that what he is experiencing could be schizophrenia. Hopefully we can get this under control before he loses this insight to symptoms. I have left another message with PACT stating this conversation and that regardless of drug benefits, I will pay for a weeks supply of medications, today, as they are needed. On a side note he did drink vodka last night :( Yah, I know. The vodka that he told me he was throwing out early last week... I guess not. I really should have gone looking for it but I have looked before and couldn't find it. I think he only had one or two shots then threw it out. This time I found the bottle in the garbage so I know he did. Side affect to this... He missed taking his Lithium and Trazodone last night and was resistant to going to bed in his own bed. I think he is learning or finding out that vodka is not helping him but making things worse, at least I hope he is. How many times he will have to test that theory? I don't want to know the answer to that. He did take his Lithium when he got up this morning so we are good for getting his medications into him. My concerns with the Invega shot... I like the Invega. He is not getting enough of it which will translate into break through symptoms which will further non-compliance as once insight goes it is gone and takes a lot of work to get it back. Having break through symptoms that can be avoided will only make keeping his dopamine under control all the more difficult.

I think talking about it may have helped my son, for now anyways, as he is now playing the Wii u!

Mom
BarbieBF

Discharged... What?!

That was pretty much my reaction on Friday morning when I called the hospital and was told that my son had been discharged. That my reaction was incredulous to say the least. Skeptical, shocked and mad were each fighting there way up to the surface as I was wondering who's ass I would put in that proverbial sling first. The lady in patient locating caught my obvious tone of bewilderment and fairly quickly said she would check for any notes regarding the discharge. He had been transferred to another hospital the night before. Whew! Would be an understatement on the relief I felt that he had not been discharged.

I called the new hospital and spoke to his nurse. She said that he was settled in and resting. I questioned the resting part as if he was awake and not moving I wouldn't call it resting. I asked if he was sedated and she said no he hadn't had much medications. I should have asked her if she noticed his foot going a mile a minute which I'm sure it was. I was asked if there was any foods that he liked because he wasn't eating and 'Was that normal for him?'. Sometimes I want to ask if they have any experience with psychosis from working in a psych ward? Because honestly I have to wonder. He is not eating because he is in psychosis. Hello! Anyone home up there? It reminded me of when my son was hospitalized last September (full psychotic break) and a nurse said to me 'Your son thinks you are trying to kill him. Do you know why?' I guess the diagnoses paranoid schizophrenia went over some peoples heads.

I patiently explained that yes it is normal for my son not to eat when he is in psychosis. He is to far in his own head or in psychosis to eat. Same with resting... He is not resting. I would bet my live on it that his mind or thoughts were racing a mile a minute. I was told that there was a patient phone that I could call and they would get him up to answer it. I said no I would wait a couple of days. Based on what I have seen in the past and what I was being told, there was no way that I was going to try and force my son to have a coherent conversation when he is obviously not up to it. Trying to force his brain to deal with reality before medications have a chance to work would be putting more stress on his brain which was certainly not needed, in my opinion.

I did let the nurse know which medications I believed would help to get him stable. Let her know that Trazodone would help him sleep and that Neurontin/Gabapentin helps a lot for his anxiety. All the while thinking that I sounded like a broken record since I had just done this less then a month ago and several other times over the past two months. I also gave another heads up on his actual diagnoses being paranoid schizophrenia with concurrent disorders. One being addiction so be careful with benzo's. I also gave a heads up on no stimulants for his ADHD - his foot going a mile a minute.

I just talked to my son on the patient phone. A fairly short conversation but at least he is still managing to respond to my I love yous. I asked him if he knew why he was in the hospital. He said because he hasn't been taking his medications since he went out there. I asked if he remembered hitting his grandmother. He stumbled and fell because he was almost dying although he doesn't know why he was almost dying. I seriously hate this disease at times like this. What it does to the mind and memory. If he can't see what schizophrenia is causing him to do... If he is sheltered from the reality of what he is capable of doing when he is in psychosis, how will he ever know what it is that we are fighting against and what the medications are helping to stop? I think he needs to know. He needs to know and see what schizophrenia is capable of making him do.

Still I set here questioning myself and not taking action. Honestly I can't believe I'm not following my gut on this... Like I haven't learned to trust it yet?! In life I think the things we feel the most quilt over are the things that we didn't do as apposed to the things we do wrong. We can sometimes be lucky enough to fix the wrongs that we have done but we can never go back and do what we should have done in the past. Will I have to deal with the guilt of doing nothing? God I hope not. I know why I'm not doing what I think is best. It's because I'm not sure of the support that I think that I should get to accomplish what is needed. As long as there is 'interference' then I will never have the assurance of knowing that bumps in the road are just that. Even if I decide to get guardianship, my son will always fight to take the easy road instead of centering on his own recovery. Round and round my mind goes...

Mom
BarbieBF

I may have lost the battle but I haven't lost the war.

This is something that I'm having to remind myself. Thanx to an outpouring of support from parents who have been where I am and from people who are diagnosed and been where my son is and understand what I have been trying to accomplish... Their words of support and wisdom have helped me tremendously, perhaps more then I can truly express.

Since my son was diagnosed in 2011 and especially since he came to live with me in April of 2013, I have quit literally immersed myself into the world of schizophrenia. I have researched to the best of my ability the science behind what is happening in my son's brain. I have watched videos, so many videos. One by a Professor at Stanford University who sums up what I have researched in an easy to understand way. I have watched videos from The LEAP Institute about mental illness and anosognosia. 40-50% of people diagnosed with schizophrenia have anosognosia. Anosognosia looks like denial but is part of the disease itself. It does not allow the person to see that they are sick. I have researched medications and tried to understand dopamine antagonist and so many other terms that are almost beyond my comprehension BUT I understand enough to know what my son's brain needs. Not what schizophrenia and addiction wants. His thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions are being controlled by things that he cannot see or understand. That's where I come in! To advocate not for what my son thinks he wants BUT for what he needs.

Everyday I'm communicating with stable and recovering diagnosed who have been where my son is. Who's family members have advocated as I am trying to do to give them what is best for them. Now that they are stable and recovering they can see that boundaries and yes even a little tough love has helped to give them their lives back. Family members who out of love said enough is enough. We are not the problem and it's time! Time to take responsibility not only for their lives but for managing a disease that needs to be managed.

I have tried to talk to psychiatrist about the science of schizophrenia and guess what? They don't seem to have much knowledge. It's not their job to know about enlarged ventricles or pre-frontal cortex, less grey/white matter or miss-firing neurotransmitters. No amount of unconditional love can fix these. Overloading him on the wrong medications can't fix this. It's their job to prescribe medications based on what drug companies say they are supposed to do. They also prescribe based on what the patient tells them. Patients like my son who knows how to manipulate the system to give him what he wants. My son would still be over medicated and on the wrong medications if it wasn't for me researching and advocating for what is best for him. Getting him off of benzodiazepines, anything that ends in 'pam' was the first and best then I could have done for him. I know that the medications that he needs are the ones that help to regulate dopamine in his brain and he doesn't need to be over-medicated with them. I know that he can't handle ADHD stimulants, they trigger psychosis. Why because they are amphetamines. Might as well give him crystal meth/speed. That doesn't mean that he doesn't need help with ADHD symptoms because he does. I wonder who will advocate the right medications for this? I wonder who will advocate the right doses of the right medications? Instead of listening to a psychiatrist that in my opinion dropped the ball where my son is concerned a long time ago. A psychiatrist, that now that I have more experience and knowledge, didn't do my son any good. I don't blame him. He is human after-all. My son's current, soon to be no more, psychiatrist. Is a good psychiatrist, in my opinion. He worked with my son. He listened to me and my son. Most importantly he tried to give my son what he needed not what my son thought he needed. A very big distinction. He understood me when I talked about neurotransmitters...

I really wish the people involved could step back for just a moment and try to see the bigger picture. If they could only see what I see. I do see my son. All of him! Not just the parts that I want to see. I don't love him any less for doing so. In fact I think it makes my love all the more significant. Steps were being put into place that would give my son the tools that he needs to be the man that I know that he can be. Support was in place that he has been turning his back on because he can't see past his own mentality. It was a bump in the road that was leading to a success that would help him to gain the independence that he craves in an environment that understood his needs. He can't see his own limitations. He doesn't know that he needs the support that I was trying to give him.

It's hard to come to terms with what is happening. It's hard to let go and not do everything in my power to stop this. I know people's hearts are in the right place. If only they could see that so is mine. I have not done anything lightly. I have not made any decision that was not geared towards my son's stability and future. I see past his temper tantrums and manipulations. If only I was given the chance to see it through. Just a little bit of trust that as his MOTHER, armed not only with my love for him but also with the knowledge and experience of so many in my and his situation, that given the chance I was providing me son with what he needed. Now I'm letting him walk into a world with little understanding of schizophrenia.

A couple of people's comments hit home for me. It was to hand this over to my higher power. My higher power is my mother, Donna, who is in heaven and I know how much she loved my son. When things are tough for me, it's her that I pray to for the strength that I need because I know if anyone has God's ear it is her. I know that she is in my son's heart too because he still remembers her and talks of her sometimes. So mom, or Donna as my son calls you... I give you my son. Please take care of him until he is back with me again.

Thank you to all the nameless people who have supported me and my decisions. Who have lived with this disease and despite current circumstance have told me what an awesome mom I am. I needed to hear it.

Mom
BarbieBF

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and Anger

I thought I would center today's post on ODD since I make reference to my son's ODD fairly frequently and I myself am trying to get a better understanding of what is happening and motivating my son's behavior.

Two articles that have caught my attention today are:

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and AD/HD
http://www.additudemag.com
Physiology of Anger
http://www.mentalhelp.net

My son's nurse was here this morning. I had tried to get him up before she arrived but I had no success as yet again he was up all night and didn't go to sleep until after 4. Another morning of waking up to him sleeping on the sofa. By the way it is one of the apartment rules that he sleep in his own bed. She dropped off a list of the weekly event schedule for June, July & August. Hopefully the next one will make it to him earlier :) I brought up to her that even though I know my son isn't officially diagnosed with ODD that it seems to be controlling his behavior so much right now. During this conversation she commented that his pdoc had mentioned that he might not have schizophrenia but psychosis NOS. I don't know what to think. I'm guessing only time will tell for sure. In the meantime it's symptoms of ODD that I think need the most attention right now. My son did get up while she was still here not that he particularly played a big part in the conversation. We were discussing what services Ready4Life could help him with and I rubbed his leg to get him to pay attention since this is his life and services that he will need to be aware of and to ask for help with. Defiance poked it's little head up and he kind of snapped: yes I know and went back to ignoring us. As I said on another post his only concern seems to be getting away from me without any regard to what is going to happen once he is on his own or any thoughts as to how is going to manage and take care of himself. I'm guessing that part of this defiance or anger is because I have made it clear that we will not be spending money on him like we have in the past. We did take him to get cigarettes for the rest of the month before he spent what little money he did have. He ended up buying an E-Cigarette Vaporizer and extra flavored cartridges that don't give nicotine and one carton of cherry flavored cigarettes. He still had one carton of his normal cigarettes. My son smokes at least a carton a week. The math doesn't really work does it? Last night he decided to spend the last of his money on a pocket knife. A knife I heard hitting his bedroom door last night. I reminded him again that he has a whole month to go yet and he will have no money for cigarettes or energy drinks etc. His response is that he will go without. We have had our issues in the past trying to limit his cigarettes when my hubby and I were the ones paying for them. It was a daily argument at 30 a day. Maybe I should be looking forward to him moving out so that I don't have to deal with this!

When his nurse asked him about PACT talking to Ready4Life and I stated that he had signed a waiver allowing Ready4Life to talk to PACT, his defiance reared it's head again. He didn't recall signing it. The lady from Ready4Life had made it quit clear what it was and had made sure that he understood what it was that he was signing although I guess at the time his only concern was not having my name on it. If you read the above link my son fits all of the criteria not just four. I have seen him purposely not do things just because I have asked him to do it. I have seen him purposely do things around me that he knows that I don't like that he does not do around other people. All these things and more are happening consistently even when he is not psychotic and they are having a significant impairment on his functioning. I have some pretty basic apartment rules that he is refusing to follow like cleaning up after himself and sleeping in his own bed. Rules that a 5 year old can follow. Rules that he has agreed are reasonable and that he knows he has to do however blames everyone else for him not doing them. I guess I need to get back to some basics on how to handle/discipline ADHD and ODD as I have been lax on the boundaries and not enforcing the consequences. This should be fun!

The above article on anger helps to give a better understanding of anger. However I still don't get why someone with psychosis seems unable to feel or react appropriately to emotions like love yet seem to have an unending supply of emotions like anger and resentment. Perhaps it's because different neurotransmitters are involved? I wonder if that is something that science should be looking into! Between feelings of anger and resentment and what appears to be ODD to me, my son seems to be acting and reacting on a basic instinct of, well to put it bluntly, screw you. With no regard to his own mental or physical well-being. Being defiant is more important.

Oops... I forgot that I had started making some bread.

Mom
BarbieBF