Wednesday, July 15, 2015

I'm alright.

Two blog posts in one week. Don't you feel lucky? ;)

I was talking to my son's case worker at PACT this morning and she asked me if I was alright then commented that I sound stronger then I ever have. Yes I am alright. As matter of fact I'm good for the first time in a long time.

I had my counselling session yesterday with ADAPT. We discussed my job and how I'm handling and balancing everything with my not smoking, my son, my hubby etc. I'm adjusting and settling into a good routine.

My son is a different story. He isn't adjusting. He isn't anything except digging himself deeper into alcohol and therefor schizophrenia.

I found out Monday morning that he had called dial-a-bottle to deliver his alcohol. He did this last Thursday. So he was drinking alcohol in his room, hiding it from me, knowing that I had no clue because he hadn't gone anywhere on his bike. He got 3 bottles, which was gone by Monday morning. He also tried to call them early Monday morning.

He no longer has cell phone service. It's his phone but the service I was paying for. He came to me asking for it back that he wanted to call his Nana. I offered him my phone that he can use that whenever he wants. Did he want my phone to call her? His answer was no. Of course not. He really didn't want it for that reason. He wanted it back to call dial-a-bottle.

I'm not sure why he hasn't gone to the liquor store on his bike yet. He has had money since Monday. He received a direct deposit from the government for around $300. He also discovered money from them on Thursday that he didn't tell me about since it was used for alcohol that he was hiding from me. I'm questioning if the liquor store has refused to serve him. He says no.

I tried talking to him this morning about him going to an addiction treatment center. He doesn't have a problem and it's not impacting his life... The only problem is my problem. My problem is with all my house rules being broken and not being shown any respect.

I called his case worker to find out where his applications for housing are at.

As time goes by and reach new steps in acceptance than I'm more and more reaching a point where I have to acknowledge that I can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. The more I give the more I'm cushioning him from the consequences of his own actions.

However I guess what it really boils down to is where I'm at. I'm in counselling for myself. I have quit smoking. I am now working. Hubby just quit smoking too. He also started a new medication to help with some side affects from his other medications. We are trying to build a life. A good life. A healthy life.

I know my boundaries and I know what is good for me and what isn't. I keep letting them slip and get pushed aside because he is my son and I love him. As I act from a place of love, he acts from a place of addiction. Of self-centered I want and I should be able to have because I want...


I'm ready for the next step. I'm ready to accept the consequences of the choices I want to make for my life because I want a better life and I deserve a better life. If my son wants the life that he is choosing then all I can say at this point is ok. Go and get it.

I thought I had more time to write this blog however someone regarding work called and now I have to start work in 10 minutes.


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