Thursday, October 30, 2014

Do they know...?

I was asked this: Do they know how good he was doing when he was with you? I don't know the answer. Should they know? In my opinion yes but my opinions are just that, opinions. Only my husband, myself and his treatment team out here actually saw the progress that my son made.

Due to the Adderall in the beginning of June, that progress quickly, yet I hoped momentarily, went out the window as stability slipped through everyone's fingers. So when we took our trip out to British Columbia, no one saw that progress. Instead they saw what they had seen in April 2013, perhaps minus the telekinesis, chi talk and chronic marijuana addiction. Even as I write that I think, really?!. Having those three things alone pretty much out of the picture was a pretty big accomplishment. He was no longer spending hours trying to move a piece of paper with his mind, that the spirits were not letting him do. He wasn't constantly questioning his place in the universe, his chi or power over other people. Marijuana was still in the picture however it wasn't daily, in fact, was done to 2-3 times a month. He was down to minimal doses of anti-psychotics. He was attending school. So many things... Then I allowed myself to get pulled into my son's manipulation of wanting to try Adderall for his ADHD. I messed up, big time. Regaining stability is a slow and tedious road uphill. I didn't consider this a hard step backwards, just a bump in the road...

So here we are and I'm asking myself: Do they know...? Maybe in the bigger scheme of things it just didn't matter and perhaps still doesn't. Some things you have to let go off. I guess I need to let go (or at least try to)...  If only I saw the person that he is capable of being, not what everyone is resigned to him being then so be it. The easy decisions would have been to give into my son and schizophrenia. I just couldn't do that. I couldn't give up on him like that. Yes I have made mistakes and I will continue to do so, just as I'm afraid that my current choice of action or lack of action, is yet another mistake.

Recently I have had to acknowledge some subtle feelings of judgement. That I'm being judged not on who I am today but who I was 3-4 years ago. 4 years ago I was far from being in the right state of mind to put my family first. My relationship with my husband was up and down, filled with... to be blunt, bullshit. I was working more then full time hours and other then taking care of the basics at home, I was more concerned with that self-indulgent, monkey on my back, addiction. Mostly marijuana and even though I have never liked alcohol, it do had become a crutch in my life. I missed some pretty obvious signs on what my daughter was then going through. She, like our children do, paid the price for that. I'm not the person anymore. Thankfully. In January it will be 2 years since my husband and I went completely street drug clean. In August we were 1 year clean from alcohol. I'm a lot more aware of things then I was back then. I'm still me (for some that's a good thing, for others not so much :)) just with a different outlook on life and hopefully better equipped to handle what life can throw at me.

On a good note. Hubby bought some nuts for the squirrels last weekend. I thought I would leave all the fun to him but I guess I'm supposed to help feed them too ;). So here is a pic of one of them enjoying my husband's nuts (haha!) that I took this morning.


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