Discharged... What?!

That was pretty much my reaction on Friday morning when I called the hospital and was told that my son had been discharged. That my reaction was incredulous to say the least. Skeptical, shocked and mad were each fighting there way up to the surface as I was wondering who's ass I would put in that proverbial sling first. The lady in patient locating caught my obvious tone of bewilderment and fairly quickly said she would check for any notes regarding the discharge. He had been transferred to another hospital the night before. Whew! Would be an understatement on the relief I felt that he had not been discharged.

I called the new hospital and spoke to his nurse. She said that he was settled in and resting. I questioned the resting part as if he was awake and not moving I wouldn't call it resting. I asked if he was sedated and she said no he hadn't had much medications. I should have asked her if she noticed his foot going a mile a minute which I'm sure it was. I was asked if there was any foods that he liked because he wasn't eating and 'Was that normal for him?'. Sometimes I want to ask if they have any experience with psychosis from working in a psych ward? Because honestly I have to wonder. He is not eating because he is in psychosis. Hello! Anyone home up there? It reminded me of when my son was hospitalized last September (full psychotic break) and a nurse said to me 'Your son thinks you are trying to kill him. Do you know why?' I guess the diagnoses paranoid schizophrenia went over some peoples heads.

I patiently explained that yes it is normal for my son not to eat when he is in psychosis. He is to far in his own head or in psychosis to eat. Same with resting... He is not resting. I would bet my live on it that his mind or thoughts were racing a mile a minute. I was told that there was a patient phone that I could call and they would get him up to answer it. I said no I would wait a couple of days. Based on what I have seen in the past and what I was being told, there was no way that I was going to try and force my son to have a coherent conversation when he is obviously not up to it. Trying to force his brain to deal with reality before medications have a chance to work would be putting more stress on his brain which was certainly not needed, in my opinion.

I did let the nurse know which medications I believed would help to get him stable. Let her know that Trazodone would help him sleep and that Neurontin/Gabapentin helps a lot for his anxiety. All the while thinking that I sounded like a broken record since I had just done this less then a month ago and several other times over the past two months. I also gave another heads up on his actual diagnoses being paranoid schizophrenia with concurrent disorders. One being addiction so be careful with benzo's. I also gave a heads up on no stimulants for his ADHD - his foot going a mile a minute.

I just talked to my son on the patient phone. A fairly short conversation but at least he is still managing to respond to my I love yous. I asked him if he knew why he was in the hospital. He said because he hasn't been taking his medications since he went out there. I asked if he remembered hitting his grandmother. He stumbled and fell because he was almost dying although he doesn't know why he was almost dying. I seriously hate this disease at times like this. What it does to the mind and memory. If he can't see what schizophrenia is causing him to do... If he is sheltered from the reality of what he is capable of doing when he is in psychosis, how will he ever know what it is that we are fighting against and what the medications are helping to stop? I think he needs to know. He needs to know and see what schizophrenia is capable of making him do.

Still I set here questioning myself and not taking action. Honestly I can't believe I'm not following my gut on this... Like I haven't learned to trust it yet?! In life I think the things we feel the most quilt over are the things that we didn't do as apposed to the things we do wrong. We can sometimes be lucky enough to fix the wrongs that we have done but we can never go back and do what we should have done in the past. Will I have to deal with the guilt of doing nothing? God I hope not. I know why I'm not doing what I think is best. It's because I'm not sure of the support that I think that I should get to accomplish what is needed. As long as there is 'interference' then I will never have the assurance of knowing that bumps in the road are just that. Even if I decide to get guardianship, my son will always fight to take the easy road instead of centering on his own recovery. Round and round my mind goes...

Mom
BarbieBF