Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Tattoo, Ear Infection, Forum and Inpatient Again.

I finally worked up the nerve and before I could change my mind, made an appointment to get my first tattoo. I have wanted one for a very long time. I didn't get the one I have been thinking about getting for the past 20 years and instead settled on a nice renaissance script of my children's names with two purple hearts.

This was taken the day I got it done. I'm so happy with it! I don't think it could have turned out better and is exactly what I wanted. I already know what my next one is going to be! No I'm not addicted, at least I don't think so ;) On my left shoulder I want the names of my mom and dad.

I ended up going to the walk-in clinic on Monday. Tried to get an appointment with my family doctor but couldn't get one for that day. I was pretty sure I had an ear infection and the shooting pains around my right ear where getting more frequent and painful so rather then wait another day to start taking antibiotics I walked to the clinic. About 25 minutes later I was on my way back home with my antibiotics. Advil for the pain which I did have to take consistently until yesterday. Now just the odd one if it starts to hurt.

I have referenced in the past that I'm a moderator on a schizophrenia forum. I very much enjoy my interactions on this forum and do my best to contribute to the community and help anyone that I can. There are times though where it gets to me. Emotionally. Times like right now where I see a member being treated with such disdain that I have trouble getting my mind around it. Since I'm moderator I try not to get to emotionally involved in some of the posts as I don't want it interfering with my ability to moderate the forum from an unbiased perspective. So I will talk freely about it here. There is one member who's English skills are not so great. He uses words that tend to make understanding what he writes more difficult. He seems to also post with the perspective of having limited insight into his condition, if he is in fact diagnosed. Statistically speaking 40% plus have little to no insight into their disorders (anosognosia) so I don't see him as being anymore delusional or black and white in his thinking then most of the other members. In fact he seems to understand and follow the guidelines better then some who claim to be recovered. He certainly doesn't try to put other's down as other's have been doing to him on purpose. The forum has a handful of members who seem to think that their opinions are worth more then anyone else's and that because they have reached a certain point in their recovery that everyone else should be at that same point. Words like 'reality checking' and 'delusional' get thrown around like they justify treating another human being like they are sub-human, without regard to showing the least amount of respect, compassion, sympathy or empathy.

I really don't get it. A community of people that are fighting for understanding from this world, who want a safe place to be themselves without judgement and criticism. Then someone comes along who doesn't fit and he is treated like that child on the playground that is being picked on just because he is different or maybe is from a different country so can't communicate as effectively. He tries but his attempts get ridiculed and blown off as delusional. I have tried to accommodate by moving some posts from one category to another so as not to offend or cause more grievances. Then I think to myself what is that saying? I'm saying that this person doesn't fit... In a community of people who don't feel that they fit in this world with all it's judgments, stigmas and prejudices and I'm/they are saying that one of their own doesn't fit in a particular category because he is different! Have you ever been around one of those reformed smokers who because they quit they can't abide being around another smoker or even the smell of it? Fear of relapse is probably the biggest reason for this, in my opinion. They can't trust themselves to not give into temptation and light up so they site health reasons and all the reason's why we shouldn't smoke (because we aren't aware of them already ;)) to justify acting a certain way. Sometimes my sadness and anger when I see these things happening makes me think the forum should have a disclaimer stating that you must be medication compliant (even if they don't work), non-delusional or positive symptom free and fluent in layman's English to join. To join a schizophrenia forum! I needed to get that out...

Onward to my son. He is inpatient. I had talked to him on Monday and could tell that he wasn't doing any better. Same as the last conversation. I had to repeat everything 3-4 times to get him to answer. I told him about my tattoo and we had a bit of chuckle when he told me that he didn't miss me. I know that may sound a little rude but I have always appreciated my son's honesty on things like that. He did have the good grace to laugh when he said it :) When I told him that he could call me whenever he wanted and asked him why he hadn't called. He just hadn't thought to. He did respond to my 'I love you' and said it back... After he was taken to the hospital I found out that he has been talking to his voices and I guess physically interacting with his hallucinations. Not good. He was almost charged I guess with either assault or domestic violence. He physically hurt his grandmother. I can't say I was surprised at the call, in fact have been waiting for a much worse phone call. Thankfully they haven't pressed charges and he is currently to my knowledge on suicide watch as he stated he would rather die then be taken to the hospital. Due to other details I have gotten access to I can imagine the condition that he is currently in. Paranoid, delusional and thinking that the whole world is out to get him and trampling on his rights.

I have followed through on some of my previous phone calls and attempts to figure out what the next steps should be. It would be extremely helpful if they could come up with the same terminology for the different provinces or even the world as a whole. Substitute Decision Maker, Guardian, Private Committee, Power of Attorney, Section ?... One set for one thing and another set for something else. It doesn't appear that there is one procedure that will cover everything. Then there is the cost! If I could turn back the clock and go back to when he was 16 (or even before) and all this first started, knowing what I know now... So many documents would have been signed! Oh well... Can't go back right?

I have talked to his Dad so hopefully between the two of us we can get our son back on the right track. *fingers crossed* and toes and legs and arms!... I'm still holding back on doing anything legal. I don't want to take my son away from his family where he is if it can be avoided and if it is really where he wants to be. He came to me the last time of his own free will. For now these decisions can wait until my son is stable. Besides I may need what credit I do have if the hospital is lax  or stupid enough in their responsibility to my son to release him again when he shouldn't be.


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