The Proverbial Housewife

Yes that's me....

The one that is sitting at home putting away groceries and doing laundry while everyone else is off doing their thing.

My daughter is at the mall, 'running away from home' or me. Dare I say, being a brat.

Something that I haven't shared about the amazing birth of my grandson is that several days after his birth I became his primary caregiver.

As of yesterday I am now supervisor... In my eyes I don't really see much of a distinction in the two roles as my daughter is still limited to two or three hours a day of unsupervised time with her son.

I feel stuck. Stuck in a situation of my own choosing because of the things that I think are important. Family.

Over the last several months I have heard more times than I can count phrases like: You're a homebody and don't like to go out. You are home anyways. You want to be home. You don't like going on these outings.

Yes I'm a homebody. I love my home and have little reason to seek enjoyment or anything else outside of it. That doesn't mean that I don't enjoy getting out of it. That doesn't mean that there aren't times when I want to 'run away' from the stress and responsibilities that are here. That doesn't mean that I don't want to spend some one on one time going for a drive with my husband.

My daughter and I have been butting heads for the last little bit. Mom speaking up doesn't seem to go over well with my children. :)

Any relationship needs a certain amount of give and take. Right now I'm feeling like a much worn out doormat. Feed him, change him, put him to bed, babysit... But don't tell me that I'm not burping him right (at all), getting up with him or question any of the other decisions that I'm making.

If she was living on her own then making decisions on what items to get rid of or what trips she would like to take or even her sleep schedule would be completely in her control and the consequences of those decisions would be completely on here. Such is not currently the case.

Yesterday it was about how she was feeding him. Today I have set her off by commenting on the fact that she is wanting to give away something that I use every morning to feed her son. Is it hers to give away? Absolutely. That's not really the point. Being an adult doesn't mean making decisions without taking other people into consideration. Certainly not the people that are there everyday. However when I say something I'm treating her like a child.

The other thing that is gnawing at me is money. I'm not asking for a lot considering we are helping out with pretty much everything. So yes when I see/hear my daughter talking about doing things with her money when I'm looking at the fact that we don't have enough money right now to cover what is coming out on the 1st, I tend to get a bit edgy.

When I comment on these types of things well she gets to go to the mall while I get dropped off at home to put away the groceries. When I let lose some of that frustration my husband walks out slamming the door.

Why did it frustrate me that she was going to the mall? She doesn't have a key so even as she is getting away from me and my criticism she is counting on me to be there when she gets home. Why? Because I love being at home. How much you wanna bet that right now I would rather be somewhere else?

Guess what... Where am I going to go and with whom? I don't have any friends. I don't have a life outside of the home because years ago I made the choice to leave my job, stay at home and eventually dedicate my life to my family.

My husband gave her his key. Called and asked if I wanted to go with him on his next drive about. My first thought: Hell yeah! Guess what? That will be leaving my daughter unsupervised for a lot longer then two or three hours. I'm the only one that thinks like that. :(

Recently she was visiting family and I'm pretty sure got used to barely being supervised at all. No that wasn't a good thing... She did however become more comfortable in the role of motherhood. That tends to happen when you are expected to do...

Now the honeymoon phase of her return is over and I'm trying to yet again find that balance between support and enabling.

Why can't I expect to be treated like others? Given a certain amount of respect and consideration? Not be lashed out at just because I make a comment that isn't to her liking? Why can't I expect her to step up without all the attitude?

So yeah as I listen to my daughter and husband talk about her working outside of the home. Getting baby daddy a job. My daughter looking down on the job I do have because I don't get paid frequently. My husband saying: Why can't you get a job?

Yes I guess I could if I wasn't the proverbial housewife.

Anyways, some laundry is calling my name. Thanks for listening.

Mom
Gramma
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Excuse me while this snob cleans your room.

The last couple of days and certainly last night and this morning are not going to good. After my last blog post Michael did start taking his Olanzapine again so only missed the one night. The week ended and the weekend was quiet.

Monday when his nurse arrived I brought up that my son had agreed to try upping his Invega from 6 mg to 9 mg as we had discussed it and he agreed. Or so I thought... We had not discussed upping the Invega to replace him coming off the Olanzapine however that seems to be what his intentions were. His nurse said that he would discuss it with his treatment team.

Michael had also brought up to me wanting to try using vitamins. I cautioned him that this can work for some however not everyone and that for the people it do work for, they take lots of supplements sometimes several times a day. Also he needs to be on them for at least several months for the levels to build up in his system before even thinking about reducing medications to see if it will work. For one day he took all the supplements I gave him. The next day refused the Omega 3, a really important one if this is going to work, and nothing since that.

As of Tuesday things have been going down hill again.

I have no idea what prompted it however he didn't take his Invega or Olanzapine on Tuesday night and was up all night. I can't tell you exactly what he was up to other then some odd stuff.

In the middle of the night, one of the times that I got up to check on him, he was totally naked and acting guilty. I didn't really register this until I was back in bed. I reminded him about his pills and left it at that.

Wednesday morning he was lying on the sofa covered up with his blanket. I won't go into detail other then based on the sounds I was hearing and how he was lying... I'm pretty sure he was masturbating. Several times I 'interrupted' him and finally told him if he was going to keep doing it that he needed to go to his room. Off he went.

Later that morning I went into his room to clean as it was getting ridiculous in there. Even though I hadn't caught him again it was obvious he was smoking in there as there was more and more ashes and tobacco all over where he was putting them out on lord knows what since he had no ashtray. The first things I noticed was that he had sometime during the night grabbed the hammer and the knife sharpener. No I don't know why and he wouldn't tell me. I moved a box to clean and behind it was cigarette butts and his Olanzapine. So that is where he was stashing what he didn't want me to find.

I took the hammer, knife sharpener and Olanzapine downstairs and calmly asked him what he was doing with the hammer and knife sharpener. Like I said, he wouldn't tell. Just said the he thought he might need them for something. Then I asked him if we were back to him hiding his pills from me. His response was to tell me to stop being such a snob and that I had no right to yell at him or give him attitude for not taking his Olanzapine. One, I wasn't yelling and two, the point was that he hid them from me not that he didn't take them and three, he was still smoking in his room and lying to me about it.

I went back up to continue cleaning and vacuuming his room. Under his table I found his Invega. He says he didn't take them because he didn't sleep. They are no longer sedating for him so that is not logical. They do however slow his mind down so that he can sleep. Anyways this logic made sense to him :). I asked him for his cigarettes as they need to stay downstairs since I can't trust him. He handed them over then out of the blue told me dinner the night before was disgusting (it wasn't). No worries I won't be making dinner tonight... I got told to fuck off.

I let him know that he just lost his cigarettes (hubby bought them). A little while later I noticed that he was going outside and leaving the yard. Red flag. I went upstairs and checked and sure enough he had gone into my closet and grabbed a pack of smokes. I asked for them back... got called a bitch so I disconnected the internet.

We didn't talk much the rest of the day ;). Somewhat later he asked me what was for dinner. Before you think that he was psychotic or whatnot and didn't remember what had happened, he did. He was very much aware of what he said to me and it wasn't said spur of the moment. It was said on purpose. I told him whatever he made for himself. Hubby and I went out... He made himself noodles.

After we returned my son asked to talk. Stating it wasn't his fault that it was because he didn't take his pills and was up all night. If he took his pills that night could he have his cigarettes back. It wasn't my fault that he didn't take his pills either and I don't deserve to be talked to like that. I told him I wasn't going to negotiate with him about taking his pills. He needs to take them because he needs to take them and no he wasn't getting his cigarettes back that day.

He took his pills :), went to sleep early and as far as I know slept through the night. Yesterday morning I gave him a pack of cigarettes. We had a short conversation about what happened and he acknowledged that I didn't yell at him and that he guesses he needs to take his pills for now. My first thoughts were: Yeah, some insight. No... He was just saying what he thought I needed to hear.

At dinner time he asked for the internet back. I agreed however let him know that moving forward he was going to be losing it for longer for swearing at me so forewarned.

Last night he asked me to rub his back. He started talking about his Olanzapine being poison so he wouldn't take it. Took the Invega. Delusional talk about forcing his body to sweat was building up muscle and made up words stating that he had learned in chemistry in school. I did chemistry for three years and I don't recall that word. Well I went to school in Newfoundland and that place is... hmm I forget the word he used but not a nice one. For starters I also went to high school in Ontario and Newfoundland however surprising it may seem (Canadians will understand the reference) had a much harder curriculum. I told him that I thought he was being delusional, that he wasn't making sense to me and went to bed.

Several time between 9 and 3:30 I checked on him and kept reminding him to take his Olanzapine. By 3:30 he started asking for cigarettes and banging on walls. His bedroom wall is also my husband's bedroom wall (remember he has his own room for sleeping) and it was waking me up in my room. Once I gave him a cigarette then told him no because he will be out of cigarettes by noon if I gave him a pack them. 3:30 he stating he was going to make coffee...

Hubby was nice this morning and fed Gucci (our cat) so she wasn't doing her usual head-butting. I got to sleep in until 6 (if you can call being constantly woken up, sleeping in) when Michael came in and got me up asking for his cigarettes. I gave him a pack. As I'm walking down the stairs I'm noticing finger prints and smudges all over the walls. Same in his room even though I had washed the smudges off on Wednesday. Now two of his bedroom walls are full of them again. He says it's from him punching the walls and skin coming off. I did find his empty Olanzapine wrapper so I'm guessing he did finally take it sometime between 3:30 and 6.

As I was walking down the stairs he said that he wanted to talk to me about something. I'm pretty sure it's about either money or most likely marijuana as yesterday he told me that he hasn't been happy for over a year now so he should be able to smoke some now can we discuss it. No we cannot. No amount of sympathy gaining/manipulation is going to make me agree to marijuana. Anyways I just told him this morning that whatever it is he wants to talk about is going to have to wait because I just got up and I would like some coffee.

A little later he sits in the living room. He knows that his bothers me. He puts his feet on the coffee table, usually with shoes on (like this morning) and bounces his legs/feet. So the coffee table is making a racket, the floor is vibrating and I haven't even finished my first cup of coffee. After several times telling him to stop it he finally went to his room. Of course he is up there making a racket that he says he isn't.

I guess it's a combination of his ADHD and schizophrenia that when he gets a bit unstable he becomes very loud physically. He doesn't walk, he stomps. He doesn't sit, he drops/plunks onto furniture. He isn't gentle with anything that he touches or uses.

I guess that good thing I can try to take away from this is having a better idea of where his stability is at (or not at). If missing one dose of medications is going to have this affect than it's good to know. Although there is something else that I have been pondering and didn't mention. I guess it was two weekends ago when hubby and my son got their hair cut. Well while at the barber we ran into his 'friend' from across the hall at the old apartment. Hubby and I tried to keep an eye on them talking just in case there was an exchange of any type (marijuana). We didn't see anything and I have been trying not to over think it however he has been starting to slip since shortly after that. Combine this with some of the guilty behavior that I have been seeing like hiding his hands under the blanket when I walk into his room when he isn't smoking cigarettes, him stating yesterday that he must have been going through withdrawal or something... has me wondering. He has been keeping his hoodies on and it's not hot in here which used to be a red flag for him having stuff on him. I have checked them when I can and haven't found anything however that doesn't mean anything. Throw in Michael now asking me about letting him smoke it when that hasn't been brought up in a long time... Oh well.

*fingers crossed* that when/if his case worker from PACT drops off his medications today that his Invega has been upped. I'm not counting on it but it would be nice. Oh yeah... He missed group on Wednesday which sucks as it was strawberry picking.

On a good note, I might have a job! Talked to a lady yesterday and went over what the position is. Basically inside sales, from home. Something a little new to me although I do have some knowledgeable of the concept, requirements and expectations since I did work for a recruiting firm for over 9 years.

I did quit smoking on Sunday. So far, so good. Wednesday was a bit of a test ;). The patches are really helping so I'm rarely getting cravings. When I do then I also have lozenges which I'm using about 3 times a day. Like now :).

My goal today. Getting my son in the shower. It's been weeks and it's been a bit since I washed him. Also the last shower he did have, didn't help much. The big question: How to accomplish this?

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

A little bit manic? ADAPT, Camping & Rules

To anyone that follows my blog regularly, my apologies for not writing...

I seem to still be struggling a bit with getting back into my grove and my social media with respect to mental illness. I upped my Venlafaxine on Saturday to what my family doctor wants me taking as I was noticing that my thoughts were going back to that negative loop where everything and anything that I'm not impressed with was auto-repeat in my head ;). It takes a couple of days for it to build up and by Wednesday the sedation kicked in and I ended up napping and going to bed early. So hopefully I can get back on track.

Hubby's family get together went well. Very well actually. I ended up reminding/telling my son that he had money as we were taking him to get cigarettes. I asked him to hold off on buying alcohol until after the family get together as I didn't want him being symptomatic while there. He agreed to wait. I know that he found it a bit tiresome but he said that he had a good time.

He didn't buy alcohol until later Monday afternoon. My bad... but I told him that the liquor store wasn't open on Sundays. I didn't think that it was. Hubby told me afterwards that it was open.

I'm guessing it was the alcohol that triggered it; he went a bit manic on Tuesday. Out of nowhere he was putting on jeans, grooming his beard and looking for his dress shoes. We had an interesting conversation about his teeth that day. Some delusional thinking in that he believed he was 'born' when he first started having memories around 3 or 4 and that he has grown new teeth 4 times. His ODD started to act up a little bit. When I didn't engage he said to me: Come on lets talk about this... Translation, come on lets argue ;). Sorry no. I told him that I thought he was being delusional, that I gave birth to him so I know when he was born, if he had teeth or not and that I wasn't going to continue this conversation. I walked away.

He went to his PACT group the following Wednesday which was golf. He participated and had fun. His new nurse from PACT has taken him out of the house for the past two Mondays. I think he is also pushing at PACT that Michael be more involved with the outings so it doesn't look like I have to question if he is on the list for Wednesday's groups anymore. Now his rides are just showing up. I think Monday's outing to the YMCA is being looked at as well. Last Wednesday was supposed to be a trail hike but due to rain they ended up going to the mall instead.

Camping last weekend went well. He said that he had fun. It's hard to tell sometimes. He looks like he is not really paying much attention to where he is yet he must be. Hubby and I stayed up until around 10 and Michael stayed up after that watching the fire ;). His reason for wanting to go camping is the fire. The store at the campsite sells little packets that causes the flames to go different colors which is kinda cool. We got 2 of them this time. Roasted some marshmallows. Hubby and I froze our butts off that night. Not quit warm enough at night yet...

I have had 2 appointments with ADAPT now. I will be meeting with my counselor once a week until she can get through my history. Also because I'm now a client of ADAPT then I'm able to participate in another program they have called 'STOP' which is for quitting smoking. I meet with a gentleman for that Wednesday morning and he gave me a months supply of patches and some lozenges. Now I just have to set my quit date. Because of my own past history with addiction I'm a little bit of both. I'm there as a family member of an addict but I'm also a recovering addict so I should be able to attend some of the programs for that as well.

Every Friday (today) they have a get together for addiction clients where people can talk about addiction, mental illness and how to have a better life. My son keeps asking if he can come to group with hubby and I and of course the answer is no. I reminded him of a youth thing that happens on Wednesday nights however I can't go to that one so he says no. He seemed open to the idea of going to today's session so we will see depending on the weather as it's supposed to downpour. Also I think his motivation may be the food court at the mall where ADAPT is and I can't keep handing money out to these things. Every group he wants money for McDonald's...

Wednesday hubby noticed that Michael seemed a bit edgy or cranky. A week without alcohol and he was/is probably experiencing some withdrawal symptoms. Being aware of this I didn't say anything that would play into that scenario. You know the one that has the addict pushing for a fight or argument so that they have a reason to drink or use ;). I can't say that I want to go through this every time my son gets money. It may not seem like much, however it's a constant cycle of him feeding his addiction then going through withdrawal when he has to go without. Sadly it's him that is suffering with withdrawal...

Hubby and I had group again last night. It was a repeat of the same theme as the last one we attended which was concurrent disorders: addiction and mental illness. Hubby seems to be getting a lot out of these groups. It's helping him to see/hear from others, other then just me. The group last night was through the Schizophrenia Society of Ontario (SSO) and they meet once a month at that location. I was sort of aware however I will make a bigger effort in the future to attend these.

I did speak to the lady from SSO for a minute about advocacy and other things. These are the items that SSO is currently working on: Policy and Advocacy

Rules... It came to our attention on Wednesday night, I think, that my son has started smoking in his bedroom. I totally missed the red flag of my son being in his room all night. Here I was thinking: Yah he's sleeping through the night. *face palm* I'm usually more on top of it then that but I guess between upping my antidepressants and my want to not see the negatives... I totally missed it until hubby commented that upstairs smelled like cigarette smoke.

Yesterday he was smoking while I was upstairs so I smelled it. Of course he lied to me. I gave him several chances to tell me the truth and finally had to go find the 'ashtray' and take it out of his room and tell him to go outside. Once outside I brought it up and of course got the: I pay for my room... I didn't respond right away, waited a bit then said to him that I didn't want it to be that every time I bring up something that he is doing that he isn't supposed to be doing that I have to deal with his ODD. He asked what ODD was? Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He says: I'm not being defiant, ok maybe I am but that's because you won't listen. Listen to what? You want to do what you want regardless of the rules because you think you should be able to. Yes you pay for the room however that still doesn't give you the right to smoke in it. If he rented a whole apartment that was non-smoking than he still isn't allowed to smoke in it. The world has rules.

I let him know that moving forward there would be consequences to him not following this rule. Several hours later it's easy to know that he is STILL smoking in his room as he hasn't gone outside for a smoke. I let him know that I'm backing off on giving him attention until he can learn to follow this rule. This may sound harsh however if I let this boundary slip then every other rule or boundary will go out the window with it.

In last night's group there was discussion on the 'slippery slope' of addiction. Well there are slippery slopes with boundaries as well. My son loves to push them and whenever I don't try to keep them then he pushes them all. He will even tell me: Well this is a rule and you let me so I figure this rule doesn't apply either. Typical ODD behavior which is why boundary setting is so important. Regardless of all this I don't want my home full of cigarette smoke, certainly not upstairs when it contributes to my headaches and guess what? It's my home too.

So awesomely today I have totally triggered his ODD ;) by taking his cigarettes out of his room and putting them in the basement. Not an easy tightrope to walk. Enforcing the boundary without allowing this to turn into something ugly so keeping my tone neutral and not reacting to his attitude which as the moment seems to be staring me down...

I'm off to make a coffee and harass my daughter, if I can, as she hasn't been getting to work on time. All I can do is keep calling her phone...

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Aspirin for arthritis and fruit-flies.

I don't recall what day I found a bunch of these aspirin in my son's coat. I had no idea what they were until I showed them to my hubby and he grabbed his bottle of aspirin from the top of the fridge. They are over the counter but they are long acting that our doctor recommended he take daily to ward off the headaches he gets. Feeling relief that that was all they were I didn't think anything else of it. Friday I was cleaning the floor in my son's room and while moving around his make-shift coffee table I heard what I immediately figured was a bottle of vodka that he managed to get in the house and hide under the table. It was a bowl with crushed up white stuff and a rolled up piece of paper for snorting it.

My son received his disability money on Thursday. That day he got his vodka... I didn't say anything except to remind him that it doesn't come onto our property. He sat outside our gate and drank it. When hubby got off work we went to our chiropractor, to the bank and to a store for my son to buy tobacco since he has decided to roll cigarettes. He wasn't happy that it cost him $40 for his tub of tobacco. That night I gave him an Olanzapine with his Invega and he took it.

Friday had the makings of a bad day. He was outside drinking another bottle of vodka and hmmm, I'm really going to have to write down the name of the other bottle he gets, when I found the bowl in his room. I went out to ask him what it was. He told me aspirin.

I was somewhat impressed with myself as I didn't get mad or even upset. I was kind of amused as honestly what could you possible get out of snorting aspirin? I'm not even sure when the conversation took the negative turn that it did but it did. He told me that he was better then me. I replied that he wasn't better then me. Next thing I'm being called a bitch and a fat whore numerous times along with other swear words. I did my best to keep it light. Told him that no matter what he called me I was still going to love him and seriously look at me... Do I look like a fat whore? Apparently yes...

I was just thinking to meet this hate with love... I told him again that I loved him. He said prove it. I replied that I was still here and I knelt down. I was 3 feet away from him and I didn't get any closer. At this point I got told to get out of his face or he was going to smack me and knock me out. He said he wasn't threatening me... I again told him I loved him and walked away. Left him sitting out there, in the dirt, surrounded by 3 bottles (one from the day before) and cigarette butts. We were also back to the "I pay the rent around here and this is 35% my property."

I came inside and called PACT and talked to his new nurse. I think I was looking for some sort of assurance, not that I got any... If I felt unsafe... A year ago I didn't know what he was capable of. Although he is not in active psychosis right now. He is experiencing symptoms yes however he is aware of what he is saying. He is relatively stable. I was seeing an angry drunk... Really nothing new there as I have been seeing that all my life and sadly he does have it in his genes.

Perhaps not the best choice however one boundary I refuse to budge on is the consequences to swearing at me. I disconnected the internet. Went back to the cleaning I was doing. He comes downstairs and asks when he is going to get the internet back. Some how he has morphed what was said into me telling him that he wasn't better. Period. So therefor he was justified in talking to me the way that he did. I told him I wasn't going to discuss it right now. Another flood of name calling and swearing that ended with "Cook my dinner bitch."

I ignored him and went about my cleaning. I think he passed out for a bit...

Since then his defiance has been in high gear. About pretty much anything and everything. Friday his case worker dropped off his Latuda. He has been prescribed 80 mg. Apparently he was prescribed 60 mg however disability doesn't cover this dosage. Ridiculous isn't it? I think disability only recently started covering this medication. So his psychiatrist changed it to 80 as I think that may be the dose he was looking at eventually anyways. Average dosages seems to be between 40 and 160.

His nurse called on Saturday to check in and see if he took his Latuda. As far as I can tell he has been taking it. Since his defiance is in high gear he won't take his medications if he's alert and I'm watching him.

Hubby and I went grocery shopping without him on Saturday. He wasn't up when we left and honestly I'm not rewarding his behavior or attitude. We did bring him back a coffee since we had gotten ourselves one. He asked why I didn't get him up to go? Do you remember what you said to me yesterday? Yes... Well I'm not rewarding that. You got me a coffee. Yes, just because I'm not rewarding you doesn't mean I'm going to be rude either. Do you want the coffee? Give it to me... I started to walk in the house with it and told him he isn't going to get it by talking to me like that. He asked for it nicely so I gave it to him.

I had picked up some coloring books, crayons, pencil crayons and markers while shopping. A Thor book for him and two other ones for me. For a bit he colored in the Thor one. One of the ones I got is Care Bears. I used to love them when I was a kid :)

Remember the camping... He brings it up wanting to go... I told him not this weekend and we don't have money for it right now anyways. He says that I promised this month. No I didn't. I said I would look into it for this month. Well isn't saying it the same as promising? My son knows the difference in that very well as he usually won't promise anything. I just replied that no it wasn't the same and asked if he wanted to make everything into an argument? I think that he does...

I'm not sure why not however he hasn't been to the liquor store since Friday. He does still have enough money left for probably two trips of his usual. The next thing was asking me to take him to the grocery store for treats. I agreed to take him however he was paying for it. Well it's my job to feed him three meals a day and I'm not doing it so he is going to call his Nana and tell her I'm not buying him groceries... Our kitchen is quit full of food since we spend over $1200 a month on groceries. He made his phone call... We took him to the grocery store. He didn't get anything. I offered to take him to the dollar store as he can load up on treats there for cheap. He said no that he had better things to spend his money on like alcohol.

Again I will have to say how impressed I have been with hubby. I know he has a hard time dealing with seeing my son act like this however he is slowly seeing most of it for what it is. My son is having temper tantrums like a child except he is doing it with a 21 year old vocabulary and in a man's body which can be concerning when alcohol is added to the mix. Even my hubby has started getting stuff for my son when we are grocery shopping and he is not with us. Michael likes these...

In between all this my son is giving me a hard time about doing anything that I ask him to do. I have jars for the beef jerky that I make. Friday night I had one of them out and my son brought out the other two along with other snacks. Asking him to put this stuff away the next day... Yah that was fun. Well one of them was mine so therefore he shouldn't have to pick it up. I put mine away. He refused to put the other two away. Finally a day later I did...

Yesterday it was grapes that he took out. I asked if he was done with them could he put them away. He wasn't done with them yet... He did finally put them away and of course as is usual for my son he has to do these things when I'm in the kitchen in the middle of doing something. No excuse me's or anything... He pays the rent ;) You can see it in the way that he is walking around here and how he is looking at us. Pure defiance. We have been trying our best to ignore it and not give it any attention.

We have fruit-flies. I have been noticing them for a couple of days now. I have been trying to disinfect the kitchen and figure out where they are coming from. Yesterday I went around emptying all the garbages just in case. At least 30 of them came out of my son's garbage in his room when I grabbed it. Great! It's all the sweats and treats that he doesn't have ;) He has a big bag full of assorted treats in his room and his garbage was full of ice cream wrappers etc. I sprayed stuff down with Febreze but I'm going to have to get some Lysol I guess...

The last time he had a bath was on April 23. Before that it was awhile as I had asked him to make sure he cleans the tub afterwards because he does private stuff while in the tub and I didn't want to be bathing in it myself. Yesterday I tried to motivate him into a shower. Hubby and I had to go get cigarettes and I said he could come with us for the car ride however I wanted him to have a shower first as it's been awhile. He didn't have the energy and would have one later. This never happens when he says this. I said we would wait for him to get up the energy to have one so that he could go with us. I had an errand to run so we went to do that to give my son time and we brought him back a coffee. He decided not to come...

Hubby and I had a nice drive. We need that one on one time to just be a couple.

We came back and I spent time in the backyard with my son. Not saying much because right now it doesn't seem to matter what I say to him he will respond in the negative. So I colored. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm a mom and I have experience with kids having temper tantrums and using negative tactics to get attention. My son has never done this... I could feel him watching/looking at me. He put both his legs on the table and started rocking them. The whole table was rocking along with everything on it. He is just looking at me... I ignored him and kept coloring. Eventually he stopped ;)

He stopped taking Melatonin, again, when he started the Latuda. So even though we have the new antipsychotic on board he is still not sleeping good because he isn't taking anything to help him sleep. Latuda is not sedating. Last night when I checked on him around 1:30, he had taken the Melatonin and not his Invega or Latuda. Just breathe right... I woke him up to take them. Of course asking very nicely so that I don't trigger his ODD defiance any further. This morning he was up before 5...

What woke me up was my son asking my hubby for a pack of cigarettes. Now I haven't rolled cigarettes since my kids were small... So I Googled it ;) On Thursday he bought 100 grams of tobacco which should roll around a carton or 200 cigarettes. It's been 3 days and he has gone through 3/4 of it.  He is now out of tubes. He said he had around 180 tubes when he got the tobacco so it seems to fit. He also has partial packs of two other kinds of cigarettes and yesterday was smoking my hubby's. I got attitude for asking him not to just take my hubby's cigarettes as he was without asking.

I know this post is getting long winded. So many thoughts in my head... I put hubby's cigarettes away because I know my son will just take them when he wants and we can't afford this. My son probably has more money in his bank account right now then hubby and I do put together. I'm trying really hard not to go further into dept. Because of my son snorting the aspirin I have now put away anything that can be crushed up and snorted... It makes me think of all the times in the past that I have fallen for the mindset of how hard-done-by my son was however I also know how hard it can be to keep things for other people when my son thinks that he is entitled to anything that he wants.

Wouldn't it be nice if someone I trusted could walk in and tell me what to do? Notice I added the trusted part. ;) I'm sure I could get lots of advise however depending on who gave it to me I wouldn't trust it... We need more money coming in to cover our expenses and our dept. The thought of leaving my home unattended and open to whatever my son sees fit to do with or in it while I'm at work... Seriously nothing would be safe from addiction or schizophrenia.

Oh well...

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Liar liar pants on fire

I came across this picture today and it made me giggle. As any caregiver of someone with a mental illness knows, we sometimes need a little humor in our lives.

Wouldn't it be nice... Or if their noses grew like Pinocchio. Honestly it's not just our mentally ill loved ones. I would like to see this happen to a lot of grown ups I know too. ;)

Monday night things went south again. This time I can at least have the comfort of knowing that I did nothing to provoke it.

I was in bed when my son came into my room. He started and I asked him to leave, letting him know that I didn't appreciate how he has been talking to me and that there was no excuse for it. Him getting mad is not a good enough reason for calling me the things that he did. He left my room however stood outside the door continued to try and 'reason' with hubby and I that he was entitled to make up the rules since it's his place because he pays half the rent. The fact that he hasn't paid us anything since July 2014 is apparently a mood point to him. I closed my bedroom door. He kept it up. I asked him to stop. The swearing at me started... It still surprises me sometimes when I can hear it his tone that he is very much in control over what he is saying and swearing or calling me names on purpose.

Finally I opened the door and stop in front of him and told him he needed to stop or leave. He grabbed my arm and pushed me. Apparently I made the mistake of standing in front of his bedroom door and according to him he was justified in pushing me because I was in the way. If he had wanted in his bedroom he could have went in there instead of standing outside my bedroom door swearing and calling me names. There was no indication that he wanted to go into his room.

I told him that if he touched me like that again I would have him charged. I could still see and feel where he grabbed me 45 minutes later. Sshh Hubby doesn't know this. Hubby heard me say this and got out of bed saying this was enough. The sight that greeted him when he got to my son's bedroom door... My son pulling down his pants, showing me his ass and telling me to kiss it! Adorable isn't he? I told my husband to not get involved and pushed him back because yes my hubby was not impressed. For me, seeing my son's ass defused my anger. All I could think as I looked at it was: Boy if you were 5 years old I would be paddling that ass! Before you think child abuse! No I didn't make it a habit of spanking my kids ;)

I just looked at my son and told him that the way he was acting and the words coming out of his mouth were disgusting. He actually looked a little shocked. Then said he was going to call COAST which is the crisis outreach team in our area. Ok.. Make sure you tell them that you just pushed your mother and have been swearing and calling her names. Suddenly he was all business. Called them and said that he needed assistance and a place to stay. I went back to my bedroom and let him do his thing. I could hear by his answers that they were asking him mental health questions. He then called some shelters.

What floored me was he then called 911 stating that he needed a place to go because his mom's husband had physically threatened him with violence. I just sat there as I listened to him give 911 my husbands name. Pictures of my hubby being hulled off in handcuffs. Yes I know I was overreacting but seriously you never know. It's not like the police haven't made things worse before. I did nothing. My son started packing his stuff. He's getting good at this part. Hubby and I went out for a smoke as I wanted to meet the police when they arrived and let them know what had really happened.

They came in. The one officer pointed out to my son that the police were not a taxi service. The other officer told my son when he again spoke about my hubby threatening violence, that he was an adult and perfectly within his rights to leave if he didn't like it here. They left with him and took him to a shelter.

When my son was making his phone calls it hit me. What this was all about. No one had said anything to him about a shelter. No one had threatened him. He wanted this to happen. Why? Because he doesn't want to pay me room and board from the check he thinks he is getting this week. This is what happened in September 2014. He got to keep the whole check and he got high. Yes he got robbed of most of it but he still got marijuana. In his eyes that's a win. The way that he became totally coherent to make the calls and write down the numbers... Mind boggling.

What I was seeing had little to do with schizophrenia and a whole lot to do with addiction and manipulation. He couldn't get benzo's from his treatment team or hospital so he went with plan B. Honestly who can blame him. It worked the last time.

I find myself yet again in between that proverbial rock and a hard place. The rock being my right to not be abused and to be treated with respect and the hard place being my son's schizophrenia and addiction. I get that he isn't stable right now. I get that he is being controlled by addiction and perhaps some delusional thinking. Still... Son or not... I don't have to accept this type of behavior. No where in all the information regarding addiction or mental illness does it state that family members should allow themselves to be abused because a loved one has a mental illness.

My son called me yesterday. Mom, I want to come home... Has my check come in? I guess he forgot that in September he left with his check on him. Ops! I told him he couldn't come home right now that he caused this to happen and he has to deal with the consequences. I asked if he called for another reason other then wanting his check? Well I do want my check...

I know what shelter he is in and it's actually fairly nice. As far as I know it's the one he went to for a couple of hours the last time he called 911. Industrial area so shouldn't be drug traffic. Nice main room with computers and TV. You could tell the people there were a different crowd then the one he was in in September. I'm not worried about him there. Really if my son wants trouble bad enough he can find even from here. They will lock up and administer his medications. He will be fed and on a sensible sleep schedule. Honestly it's probably a good spot for him right now.

My biggest concern right now is trying to figure out what is happening with his disability payment. Yes I want my portion for room and board. We could use the money. He isn't cheap to support! Although my main concern is him not getting it. I know that sounds harsh but I live in reality. $800 would most likely get him in jail or worse. At the very least another psychotic break when he hasn't recovered from the last one.

I called disability and reception would not put me through to a supervisor this time. Told me to leave his worker another message and to fax them something stating my concerns. So I walked to Staples and faxed them a letter stating that my son doesn't want to pay me room and board for the second time and that I'm pretty sure he wants the money for drugs and I'm fearful of him ending up in jail or worse. He is not capable of handling his own finances. That was 4 hours ago. No phone call yet...

I did talk to his case worker at PACT. She has been trying to get in contact with the shelter. She had talked to my son's psychiatrist and team and his psychiatrist stated absolutely no benzos. I told her what has happened and she said it sounds behavioral. Honestly as time goes by I'm in agreement. I do know it's being fueled by his symptoms and addiction however it's still his choice to act the way that he is. He believes that no one else matters, period.

I did leave a message at the shelter to have someone call me.

So here we are again... Maybe this time he will get the help that he needs.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

It's none of your business... It doesn't take much.

First I would like to highlight some of the reading that I have been doing the last couple of days.

This blog caught my attention and I'm loving it: Behind The Walls
A couple of articles in particular that I really liked are: "Why a fear of labels can cause more damage then calling it like it is" and "The dangers of 'coddling' a child who lives with a serious mental illness. Five ways to be supportive instead".

Another site that I came across is: Empowering Parents
3 Parenting styles that undermine your authority
The Jekyll and Hyde Child

I have read and reread articles on keeping boundaries in place and keeping to the rules even more so when dealing with ADHD and/or ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). Still I let them slip...

Saturday night I didn't stop him from sleeping on the sofa. Maybe one day I will learn... We had a good dinner. The chicken turned out good. Hubby again had to go snow plowing and left early evening. Around 9 or 10 I suggested to my son that he take an Olanzapine to knock out the voices and to get a good nights sleep as he hadn't slept much the night before and was up all day. He surprisingly easily agreed and went and took one and his Invega. Then dragged his blanket out to the sofa... I tidied up his room and fixed up his bed and told him to go to bed and watch his tablet or something. He went to bed and I went to read in bed.

Within about 15 minutes I could hear him almost hysterically laughing. I went to check on him as for a minute I wondered if he was crying... No he was laughing. I again suggested he watch something on his tablet as he wasn't helping himself by putting so much attention into the voices. I told him that if he continued to do so that he may make it worse and possibly bring on tactile hallucination which I know he doesn't like. He did start playing a game on it. For about 10 minutes... Then he was dragging his blanket out to the sofa again stating he was going to watch TV. I reminded him that he wasn't sleeping on the sofa.

I dosed off for a bit and woke up I think around 11:30. Of course he is asleep on the sofa. I wake him up and he states: I'm going to sleep here tonight. No you are not. Hubby wasn't home but he would need the sofa when he got home since that is where he sleeps now due to his restless legs being so bad. I nicely shooed him off to bed. My hubby's pillow was soaked with my son's sweat. I'm sure the sofa was too. So I took off the pillow case and went hunting for another one. Didn't find one ;)

My son got up around 11:30 today. I asked: How did you sleep? Good. Then I asked: How are the voices? I guess today that question wasn't ok again. I got told it was none of my business. This time I let him know that that comment pissed me off. I didn't yell or anything like that however I did calmly tell him that he had pissed me off. That he is my business and so is his mental health. If he is not my business than he can call disability today and straighten out his file since he is on it due to his mental health which is none of my business. Then I went for a smoke. Sadly I'm smoking more lately...

A little while later he decides to tell me that he has no entities and that the they are voices now and aren't real. I had to ask him: Now was that so hard? Reality is he probably wants me to call disability for him.

Several hours later I brought up to him about sleeping on the sofa and that he had slept on my hubby's pillow and soaked it with sweat. He insists he didn't sleep on the sofa... He started bringing out the room and board contract we had signed stating I couldn't do... I pulled it out and read it. Along with the things he is supposed to be doing per the contract and isn't. It was starting to turn into a disagreement so I finally said: If you don't want to acknowledge it then that's ok. And I started putting my stuff on to go out for another smoke!

I'm not sure where the verbal outburst came from but it came... I got called a string of derogatory comments and swore at. So many I couldn't count them. I calmly walked over to where the wireless internet is and unplugged it stating: Well you have lost the internet for a while. (Rule is one day for each offense so I think around 10?) He calmly got up and left for a smoke. Now the tell-tale sign that my son was in complete control over what he was saying was the fact that when he left he very quietly closed the front door. The way he had talked to me was on purpose.

Shortly after his case worker showed up with his Invega. I gave her a quick rundown. She tried to talk to him and he laughed it off, said it was funny that he called me what he did. Then he tried asking for Ativan. Could he get it if he went to the hospital? She said not likely that his psychiatrist won't prescribe it and it's on his file at the hospital that he is benzo seeking.

I did discuss with his case worker then I'm really believing that the Olanzapine is bringing out aggression in my son. This is probably the 3rd time that I have seen him become more aggressive after taking it. Everyone says it shouldn't... Tell that to my son ;) Don't get me wrong as I do believe he was in control and that it is behavioral just being fueled by something. Either the Olanzapine or voices... Yet the Olanzapine seems to knock out the voices so that would even more point to the fact that his behavior is not schizophrenia related. I'm seriously on the fence with the Olanzapine. Knock out voices vs. apparently causing aggression.

I did bring up perhaps upping his Invega due to the brief conversation my son and I had Sunday morning about the fact that he shouldn't have to be killing entities in his head like he was. He stated he liked doing it... laughing at her. Finally I just said to his worker that he doesn't appear to be stable enough to be having this conversation. Although I would bet a paycheck (if I had one) on the fact that he made it appear worse to strengthen his case on  needing/wanting benzos. She is going to talk to his team about his behavior and see what they have to say. She may also be scheduling him an appointment with his psychiatrist as he is due and discussed having him participate in some of the groups and activities. One of them being swimming on Mondays. She thinks he needs out more. I agree.

He is supposed to make dinner tonight. We had spoken about that this morning. Before the disagreement ;). Hubby is now home and it's dinner time. I haven't reminded him will be his reason for not doing it. It's on his calendar which is on the end table... that he refuses to look it.

Perhaps another dinner out for hubby and I. He has been working so much I have hardly seen him this last week or so, so we could do with the one on one time.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Building Blocks, Things I Need to Work On.

Building blocks went through my mind the other day as I was talking to my son about money and cigarettes. I asked a leading question: Why do you not have any cigarettes? I knew the answer but I wanted to see if he was able to put two and two together and understand that consequences of his own actions. His response: Because I sold my carton of cigarettes. He sold ten packs of cigarettes and didn't even get enough money to buy two packs. Then ended up going back to the person he sold them too and getting back one of the packs. I ended up giving him some of my husbands. I explained to my son that the responsibility of this is on him and his choices. He would still have half a carton of cigarettes if he had not done what he did.

My son's 21st birthday is coming up. I know this may sound harsh however I agreed to purchase him cigarettes but he is to pay me back from the birthday money that he will be receiving from other family members. It will be his choice if he wants to buy expensive ones and be left with less money or learn to be responsible and buy the cheaper ones that he can afford (or quit). He actually bought even cheaper ones than he used to get! Impressive right?

Like I said I know it sounds a little harsh to do this regarding his birthday money however there is always something... Christmas and hospitalizations are two of them. Always reasons to not help my son learn responsibility and consequences for his own actions. Reasons that I can no longer afford or support.

Through no fault of his own and admittedly with my help my son has not learned some of the basic building blocks of being responsible or mature. For too many years he has been sheltered from the consequences of his own actions because he has schizophrenia. No it's not his fault... Still I'm beginning to see the error in not holding my son accountable for the choices that he sometimes make. Yes he has schizophrenia but he is not without the capability of understanding the consequences of those choices. Choices that everyone else, including myself, shoulder the responsibility for. Choices that I'm really beginning to see have very little to do with my son's schizophrenia.

A saying I like to use with my son is: The proof is in the pudding. When my son is not being given the opportunity to run away from his life here... The change in him and his attitude is night and day. Although his birthday is coming up so I could be mis-reading all of this...

Wednesday night things could have gone pretty badly. We were quickly heading to a repeat of September and a shelter. He was doing what he has been taught that he can do and get away with which was lying and manipulating. Thankfully it did not come to that again...

Since Thursday morning... Like I said night and day. My son's schizophrenia symptoms have not changed but his attitude has. Mom I have decided that I want to stay here and deal with... Really the choice was made for him but still it's the thought... Due to his symptoms he has not been doing too much. Still staying up late most nights and over all lying around. The difference is how he is going about it. He seems more willing to accept the idea that what he is experiencing is schizophrenia symptoms. He seems more willing to at least for right now be medication compliant. I have told him that he can't run from himself or schizophrenia. All this will follow him until he can learn to manage it. Perhaps by not being able to run from one thing he is also not running from other things as well?

He is back to doing things for himself. Not a lot but he is trying. Mom can you do...? No but I can show you how. And that is what I do. The other day I showed him how to make a tuna sandwich since he likes how I spice the tuna. A tuna sandwich may not sound like much but when my son has gone long periods without lifting a finger to do anything for himself, it's more then a start. If he only picks up some of the garbage when I'm tidying up his room, it's better then not helping at all. If he misses items while picking up after himself in the living room, he is picking up after himself. He did a load of laundry on Friday with little prompting from me. He still has another load to do and maybe today I can get him to tackle it.

I have been thinking about my part to play in all this. How I can help to build the right foundation with the right building blocks. He has missed out on so much including a reasonably normal child and parent relationship which includes arguments and butting heads over responsibilities and boundaries. Both of my kids have... I think I blogged a little while ago that I'm pretty fed up with schizophrenia. I have allowed it to control almost every aspect of our lives when it doesn't need to. Schizophrenia like any disease or disorder is not all of who my son is. He is a person outside of that and that person is not always Mr. Sunshine. Neither am I for that matter ;)

As a child grows and learns the boundaries of what s/he can or cannot do... My son has never learned those boundaries. Instead he has run from parent to parent to grandparent which we allowed. Each of us in turn contributing to what I can now see is probably more behavioral issues then mental illness.

I have been trying to think through and decide what to do about my son living with me long-term or being in the group home. I do believe that the group home is the best choice for him. Not the easy choice but the best choice. Currently we are experiencing a calm time... It never lasts though. And in the end my son can't live at home forever. He needs to take those steps out into adulthood.

What can I do? I think I need to reread how to discipline ADHD and ODD children and how to set appropriate boundaries and not be drawn into stupid arguments. This is a big one as I'm pretty sure my son tried to draw me into one last night. He again wanted a ride over to his friend's house or partner in instability is what I've given to calling him in my head. I of course said no to giving him a ride. I didn't say no to him going, I'm just not going to contribute to or enable the choice of drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana. Like I have referenced before (I think), I wouldn't drive him to a crack house so why would I drive him to a marijuana house... The reality is that right now alcohol and marijuana are as dangerous to my son as crack-cocaine is to me (a recovering addict) perhaps even more so as using will make him psychotic.

I blogged about ODD here: Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and Anger

The harder part in all this may be the age appropriate boundaries... How to tell what is age appropriate for someone recovering from psychosis. I guess I will have to wing it... I know that he is capable of doing much much more then he is willing to do. Control myself, pick my battles, resist rescuing him from consequences and build on the positives! Bless him as he even makes building on the positives a hard one. It's like praising him gives him the idea that he can stop trying...

When I said that I wasn't taking him and that I wasn't going to discuss it further he asked me: What can we discuss then!? Ironically watching my husband refrain from saying anything even though I could see it pissing him off, helped me to not respond. It was obvious by my son's tone that he was looking for an argument. Piss me off and I would be more willing to have him out of the home and therefore give him a ride. I'm learning from my husband! Yes pick me up off the floor ;). It's a good learning curve for me though and I need to spend some time reading the books he is reading as I know that I'm not above learning and I really don't know everything... ;)

I blogged about these books here: Hello 2015! CBT and Mindfullness

I think I'm finally over that god awful cold! Now that I'm feeling better I can start putting myself in a better frame of mind and start taking care of things again. I sometimes mentally shake my head at myself as I let things slide entirely too far. I stopped doing all or most of the things that I tell other caregivers to do for themselves. Shame on me! I don't know where she went but my normal upbeat self got lost there for a little bit. I'm glad I'm coming back :) I need to take care of me too and that means not missing vitamins and supplements, doing my stretches and taking some time away from schizophrenia and mental health related things.

We are moving! So I need to start getting organized. I can't do much yet as we don't have an exact moving date but I can start clearing out things as I get back into the routine of doing more then the bare minimum around here. A little or lot of housework will do me some good!

To my sister if you are still reading: Thank you for the tablet for my son! He is enjoying it very much!

Mom
BarbieBF

Tactile Hallucinations and Behavioral Issues

Monday as my son and I were getting ready to take the car down for the emissions testing he asked me how he could stop 'them' from attacking him. Them being his voices or entities. They had been attacking his privates the night before. I explained to him that these are what is called tactile hallucinations. I had read about this type of thing happening on the schizophrenia.com forum so I wasn't taken off guard when he asked about it. I told him that that are a lot of different types of hallucinations and he says that he has experienced several of them. Wikipedia has a list: Wikipedia - Hallucinations.

While we were waiting for the car, I logged into the forum on my phone and showed him some posts from other people who have experienced this. I created him an account a little while ago as I want him to be able to start understanding and knowing that he is not alone in what he is experiencing. So far he has not used it that I'm aware of. I don't know if this helped him or not.

I told my son that I'm glad that he is finally reaching a point where he is able to consider that what he is experiencing is schizophrenia symptoms. He wants my help to spiritually deal with what he is going through. What he is going through is NOT spiritual. It's manifestations of his symptoms. Wanting to get the government involved or create a government to rule the world is a grandiose delusion. There is no one government that rules the world. I know that it must be hard to accept the idea that what seems so real is part of a disease and that his brain is 'playing tricks on him'.

How do we stop it? I'm not sure why he is believing that it can't be stopped. I have reminded him several times that we know that it can be stopped because he has been positive and negative symptom free of schizophrenia, so it is obviously possible. Before the Adderall in June, 2014 my son was symptom free or in remission. It IS possible providing he be medication compliant and stay away from marijuana.

The good thing that seems to have come from him experiencing this is that he is now taking his Invega and Olanzapine as prescribed.

For the longest time I didn't discuss my son's schizophrenia with him. Recently I have not been so guarded about that and I do discuss his schizophrenia as matter-of-factly as I can. It's a pretty big elephant in the room that can't be ignored. We have gone through phases where my son would get mad if I even mentioned his schizophrenia to being mad that I never ask him about it... Typical no win situation :)

Yesterday after he got up I asked him how he was? Good. How he slept? Good. Then I asked him if he had experienced any more tactile hallucinations? No. How are the entities, are they bothering you? This last question was I guess too much... Why are you asking?! I see this sometimes on the forum. My parents don't understand. My mom never asks me about my schizophrenia. My dad never asks me about me. Seriously talk about no win scenarios. We are judged either way. If we mention symptoms than we are being mean or rude. If we don't mention or ask then we are being uncaring and don't understand. We can only understand what one helps us to understand. We are not telepathic, we don't have crystal balls and we are not psychic. Sorry we are just human beings.

This is random... The other day I was thinking about how heavy my purse was. Aside from normal purse items I have been carrying around several different medications and supplements that I don't want being abused. I had my son's Neurotin and my hubby's Concerta that I haven't taken back for disposal at the pharmacy , 2 bottles of 5-HTP and sometimes I have my son's other medications and even my own sleeping pills if I'm concerned about him being suicidal. My son had also cut up his Trazodone into quarters that he had in his jacket in a sandwich baggy that I took out yesterday and put in my purse for disposal at the pharmacy along with the Lithium. I can't imagine what explaining I would have to do to a police officer if he pulled me over and went through my purse! Do a urine test, blood test, hair sample test... I swear Officer I'm not abusing all these!

I have blogged before about how I get upset when I'm being told that my son's actions are behavioral. I have been trying to give this some serious thought and perhaps there is some truth in this observation. It would be nice if I could chalk up all my son's actions to schizophrenia and/or related disorders however that may not always be the case. There are confabulations or lies without the intention to deceive. My son outright tells lies and knows that he is lying. There is breaks with reality and delusional thinking. My son knows when he is manipulating people. Losing control while experiencing psychosis and symptoms. My son will threaten me with losing control when I don't give him what he wants. These things are behavioral and are things that he does have a choice in doing or not.

He is not liking that I won't buy him more cigarettes. When I told him that he should be grateful for what he is being provided his response was that he would be grateful for more... Somehow he missed the idea behind being grateful. Yesterday he started again about me buying him more tobacco for the tobacco pipe I got him for Christmas. Why did I get it for him if I wasn't going to buy him more tobacco? When I tried to talk and reply he cut me off and wouldn't let me talk. Then he went into how it is stronger tobacco and how it is furthering his addiction, all reasons that I have been telling him to be careful with it and not overdue it. So because I'm not buying him more then he is going to go through withdrawal, become cranky and I will have to deal with it... I had to laugh as I replied: Because your such a joy to be around now. He didn't like that and went out to smoke his pipe. This isn't schizophrenia or ADHD... It's my son trying to manipulate me. A side note to this is the tobacco I'm having to clean up after him where he is dumping his pipe all over the step and walkway coming into the building.

A little while later I said to him: This is why I want you in a group home because here you are just take, take, take and you give nothing in return. It's like you have no respect or consideration for anything or anyone. He looked me straight in the eyes and said: You're right, I don't. Yes I know. Just because you are my son and I love you that doesn't mean that I don't see.

He has asked about doing chores for money for tobacco... If he is capable of doing chores then he should be doing them and no I'm not going to pay him for doing them. Of course that means he won't do them or anything else for that matter because why should he do anything for anyone else? It must be hard for him to deal with people who don't think the sun shines out of his butt ;)

A worker from PACT dropped off more Invega yesterday. She had called my son before she came and let him know that she was on her way. When she showed up my son refused to even sit up on the sofa... When she left I told him that that was a little bit rude. My son is not above knowing or learning courtesy and manners. Someone was doing something for him and yes he should at least acknowledge it and put forth some effort to be polite. He said that it wasn't rude because he wasn't trying to be rude. I told him to remember that the next time he is accusing me of being rude because that is something I have never tried to be.

So we butted heads yesterday over him lying on the sofa all day. I have asked him repeatedly to not treat the living room like a bedroom. He needs to put forth some effort to do something, anything other then lying around doing nothing all day and then being up, keeping everyone else awake until all hours in the morning. The night before he kept waking my husband up until after 1:30 when he has to get up for work at 5. Last night it was until after 12.

My son tells me yesterday that he doesn't want to ever see me lying down on the sofa. Really! The fact that he even thinks that he is justified or has the right to tell me what I can or can not do with or on my furniture in my living room... Yes I know it's his living room too. Actually it's not. He's allowed to use because me and my hubby say that he can.

After dinner he starts again. How can he watch TV if he can't relax on the sofa? There is a difference between relaxing or reclining and all out lying down. Again I'm being told that I should let him rearrange the living room. No. Well he is not some dog that... I don't recall the rest of that. Finally I said to him that he is 20 years old and to stop acting like he is 5. Well he is going to act like he is 2 or 3 and have temper tantrums. That's fine, children who are having temper tantrums need to be in their room so please go there. No! My husband asked him to go to his room. No! If we want him to move then we will have to drag him off the sofa... Hubby and I went to our room as the living room was so full of his attitude that we didn't want to be there. Twenty minutes later guess where he is... In his room sitting on a bed that he says is a piece of shit, on a laptop that we bought using internet that we are paying for.

What irks me is this. Why are we the parents the ones that are providing the home and usually everything else, the ones that have to hide in our rooms? I think back to my own childhood. The idea of treating anything that my parents gave or provided me with, with such disrespect... Privacy? I never expected it as long as I was living under my parents roof. If I wanted to act and do as I pleased then I needed to move out. If I wanted respect then I had to give respect. I didn't get paid for chores. I did them because it was expected that I contribute. No negotiations. There was no expectations that my parents provide me with any luxuries. I certainly didn't think that I had the right to tell my parents what to do...

My son has no idea what it can be like out there in the real world. He has never been literally 'out on the street'. I have. I know what it's like to walk around most of the night, in the winter, not knowing where I was going to sleep and being hungry. I ended up on someone's dirty sofa, watching my 'friend' eat while my stomach growled. Trust me after one night I was thankful for the warm bed in my mother's house, for food to eat and yes even chores to do.

I know that this all has to stop. If my son was in active psychosis then I would not hold him accountable for his actions however he is stable enough to be held accountable. He is aware of what he is doing and saying. To be blunt, he is being a disrespectful self-indulgent brat and I'm done rewarding this behavior. I know that my husband should be able to get a reasonable night sleep for work. I have considered the idea of giving my husband my son's room. This may sound harsh but seriously... My son doesn't appreciate the bed as it's a piece of shit, he doesn't want to use the room except to masturbate or for privacy when calling his Nana, he wants to sleep and/or lie on the sofa in the living room 24/7.

I have some thinking to do...

Mom
BarbieBF

Why am I never bored?

My son opened his presents on Christmas Eve. He really liked his tobacco pipe and accessories, was pleasantly surprised by his pocket watch and not surprisingly hasn't touched or looked at his Lego's since opening them even though he seemed to like the idea of getting them. 

Christmas day passed fairly quietly. I spent most of it in the kitchen. Started the turkey around 11, then made breakfast. Most of the afternoon I spent doing dishes, checking the turkey and then after our turkey dinner, which my son really enjoyed, was more dishes and making turkey soup. I think I finally finished in the kitchen around 9:30. 

Last night we had a short conversation about the fact that he is bored with life. He asked me if I was ever bored? Rarely... I'm capable of filling in my time quite easily. I have things in my life that have meaning for me. The forum and my blog are two things that can take up a lot of my time. I'm also the one doing most things at home and making sure everything is being taken care of. Honestly when would I have a chance to be bored when I have 2 males (and a daughter) in my life keeping me on my toes? I wouldn't mind a little boredom! 

Today my son's friend from across the hall knocked on the door and asked my son to come over... A little while later my son comes back and lies down on the sofa. I'm looking at his face and when he looks at me I can see it in his eyes as well, what looks like the after affect of smoking marijuana. I ask him he smoked and he said no that he had 1 beer. I reply that his eyes are telling a different story. I have been hearing that excuse from both him and his friend for well over a year now and since one of them usually, eventually, admits the truth I doubt that I'm wrong this time either. I have watched my son drink vodka and not look like that but I'm supposed to believe that 1 beer has that affect. That conversation didn't go well and I was called a douche-bag a couple of times and being told to kick him out. This time I grabbed my phone and let him know that I want this on video that I'm sick of his attitude and of him putting words in my mouth that I'm not saying. I got a lovely video of my son giving me the finger! I left to take out the garbage, knocked on his friend's door and let him know that if he wants to give my son drugs or alcohol then he can keep him there that I'm tired of it!

Since then my son has asked to talk about it... Honestly I'm not in the mood. A little while later I get asked if we can do 3 meals a day like in the hospital? Translation can you cook for me 3 times a day? No I cannot. He is quit capable of getting himself something to eat as is evidenced by the items currently left out on the counter. I reminded him that when he moves into the townhouse that he apparently wants to go to so bad that his roommates won't be making him even one meal a day.

I'm not having a good day... If I had somewhere to go, I would be there. On Christmas day my husband broke out in hives. It looks like he is having an allergic reaction to a new medication he is on for ADHD. Yes my hubby was recently diagnosed with ADHD. The first medication made him angrier so he started another one. Christmas day was two weeks on it. Hives in the appropriate places as well as trouble swallowing. We have also decreased his Ciprelax by 5 mg as the goal is to get him off that medication as we believe his anxiety symptoms is related to ADHD so not the right medication. It's a slow process of decreasing one medication while adding the ADHD medication. Obviously none of this is going according to plan either. He has been crankier because of the decrease in Ciprelax and now because of the hives, even though it was working, we have had to stop the new medication. Add hives and non-stop itchiness which he seemed to have very little self-control over not itching and I'm pretty fed up with him too. Do I know what it's like to itch like that? Hmm... I'm a female so certain types of itching are not new to me. I once had an allergic reaction to oxy's and itched head to toe for 8 hours. I've had 20-30 mosquito bites at one time. Yes it's hard but you are only making the hives worse! 

Last night out of the blue hubby's temper flares yet again. Pardon the swearing. Jesus Christ Barb, what the fuck am I supposed to do? It took me about 3 seconds to very sweetly reply with: Hmmm... Go fuck yourself? We haven't spoken to each other since. If it's not appropriate for my son to swear at me, when did it become appropriate for my hubby to swear at me? Simple. It's not. And as is normal this will continue until I fix it... I ended up having to take over doing the laundry that hubby was going to help me with because he didn't have the patience to do it. I don't think that I ask or expect much from anyone and I still get disappointed. Everyone else seems to have the freedom to be unhappy, cranky, moody, angry... and I'm supposed to what?

Now my son is at me to sell the Wii u since it's 'his' that replaced the PS4. Both purchased on my credit card and are here for his enjoyment while in the home but for legal purposes the Wii u is mine. He doesn't want his Lego's either. I would bet my left arm that this has more to do with the marijuana he didn't smoke next door today. We have an Xbox, he didn't want the PS4 and now doesn't want the Wii u. To my knowledge there is no other console gaming system so what is he going to exchange it for since that is what he said he wanted to do. He didn't have an answer for that.

I downloaded the Kindle app for reading eBooks on my cell phone and on my computer today to check out a book that was recommended. I actually downloaded a free romance novel! I haven't spent time reading romance in years and it is something that I miss and enjoy doing very much. So I'm going to go make a turkey sandwich, ignore the 2 males in my life and immerse myself into the wonderful world of romance!

Mom

BarbieBF

Can you be my friend? Can I have...?

That was a short lived... Hubby and I went to get my son from the shelter that night after he called me asking to come home. He had called his Nana and she told him to call me, apologize and for him to come home, so he did. I was actually pleasantly surprised when I got to the shelter. It's a different one then the one he went to last time and a lot nicer! It is in an industrial area, therefore not a bad neighbourhood. The grounds were clean and even though I only went in a small ways, I could see a fairly big living area with lots of sofas, a TV and computers. It was decorated for Christmas. He said that the food was great as he had lunch and dinner there. The people that I did see hanging around were certainly a different type then what I say at the last shelter and for the better. Good to know in case we are ever in need of a shelter again that this one would definitely be the one to go to. I did ask him before we left if coming home was what he wanted as I wanted him to be aware that he was making a choice and I didn't want him to do it just because he was told to. He paused for a moment and said yes I want to come home.

I didn't talk to him much that night as by the time we got home it was after 8:30 so bed time for hubby and I. I did ask him if he was craving marijuana and he said yes but not bad. I asked if this whole shelter thing was so that he could find a way to use marijuana as honestly I'm still trying to figure all this out and what his motivation was. He said no. I asked if he could explain what it was then because I don't understand. His anger got the best of him. He was mad at me because I expected him to do what I asked without giving him a chance to do it. Hmm not quit accurate. When I ask him to do something several times with anywhere from 10-60 minutes in between asking... He also stated that I should be more lenient as his mom. I really can't be more lenient without treating him like he is 5 and has a physical disability that makes him incapable of moving. Anyways I'm done being lenient and I told him so. If he can act appropriately at a shelter, which he can, then he act appropriately at home by picking up after himself and being on a sensible sleep schedule. I'm so horrible aren't I? (sarcasm) We agreed on him being in bed by 12 and up by 10. Deja vu! as we have made that agreement before.

Yesterday I set up some alarms on his cell phone to go off when it's time for him to take his medications and when it's time to get up. Yesterday even though I started trying to get him up before 10, I had no luck until almost 11 when I stated that if he didn't get up he wouldn't get the internet back. He got up right away! Shortly after he got up I'm being asked if I'm his friend? Can I be his friend? I told him I will always be his mom first before I'm his friend. Next it was asking me if I would give our neighbour permission to give him marijuana. His idea of being a friend... He can think to plot out a conversation leading up to this type of manipulation but can't pick up his own garbage?!

The last two days have been mostly him asking for things. Money for the store. A trip for cigarettes even though he still has over a carton. A new pen with different colors from Staples. Netflix. I don't remember the other things. Recently I upgraded his World of Warcraft and paid for the monthly subscription and he's been playing Maple Story, a free online game! Speaking of, I need to cancel that subscription. I guess he is now already bored with the new Wii u. Actually I might play it once I'm done this post as I enjoyed one of the games I played while trying to set it up :) I swear I could give him the world on a silver platter and he would still ask for and expect something else. I know that he is having trouble and yesterday I tried to talk to him and explain that what he is feeling is a result of his schizophrenia not being under control. He wants marijuana and he wants me to agree to him having it as a way to deal with his anxiety and stress. I explained that if we do that then we are just treating part of the problem since masking his anxiety and stress is not managing or treating the schizophrenia that is causing it. I asked him how much brain damage he is willing to cause himself by taking this route, that this last break has done damage and it was obvious that it had, which he agreed. I will not agree to marijuana under any circumstances while he is living with me. If you ever need to wonder what motivates my son on occasion (frequently) to want to move, get away from me and this place... I'm pretty sure this is the main reason. Freedom. Freedom to spend his first paycheck (disability) as he calls it on marijuana and get as high as he can with no one to stop him or interfere.

Last night another conversation regarding the fact that he wants/needs more money and this world is messed up if people have to work to get what they want and aren't going to hand him whatever he wants. He wanted me to agree to not take my portion of his next two disability payments. I don't think so. I'm already supporting him with no income and paying for his medications. The bank is closed :) Then it was that he may move back to British Columbia. I didn't even comment or respond to that one. Really what's the point. Nothing I say or do at the moment will be good enough unless it's to give him whatever he wants and to pat him on the head while I walk around behind him picking up his messes and putting him to bed which I did last night at 1.

This morning he actually got up when his alarm went off at 10. He had asked my husband last night if he could take him for a drive today and that was the first thing he asked when got up. Amazing how well his memory works isn't it? ;) Yet it took me 3 or 4 times of asking to get him to pick up his garbage off the coffee table from last night and clean up the mess he made on the kitchen counter. I keep reminding myself to keep my cool and try my best to ignore this type of behaviour as if I ask him to do something and don't turn away or expect him to do it right away, he will purposely sit down and not do it. I'm serious lol I have watched as I sometimes ask him while his already standing up and standing beside the garbage. He will sit down and say: ya ok, in a minute... 15 minutes later when I start to ask again, he cuts me off before I can even get the words out. Tell me that's not defiance at it's best! I remind him that according to him he doesn't do it because I do it and I'm not picking up after him anymore so therefore he needs to be the one doing it.

It's frustrating that he keeps using me being mom as the reason why he doesn't want to do anything yet expects me to give him the freedom of a 20 year old while expecting me to treat him like he is 5. I'm not stopping him from taking this freedom. I spent about 2-3 hours this morning printing and filling out housing forms and applications. Covering a range of services including group homes, shared living and geared to income apartments. He thinks because his Nana got an apartment for $300 then he should be able to as well. I tried to explain that these types of services are 30% of your income not a set dollar amount and he will need to pay for groceries, utilities himself. He wants me doing it and not his case worker from PACT even though I explained that these forms are by referral from professionals, which I am not. So ya back to being defiant about accepting PACT's help. Probably because I told him that I want him interacting with them more even if it's only to go for a coffee and talk. I really do sometimes think that doing something that I want him to do without it being a fight or hassle just might kill him :) I filled out what I could for the forms and left the professional parts blank for his case worker. I was pretty truthful on the forms and I'm hoping it doesn't have a negative result as there was questions regarding violence (verbal & physical) and a history of property damage. Unfortunately the answers are yes.

I'm off to play some Wii...

Mom
BarbieBF

When will it be enough?

Yesterday was interesting and not in a good way. I don't know if it's the Olanzapine/Zyprexa or the energy drinks, 2 a day, that is bringing out his aggression and triggering his ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). I do know that I have been seriously questioning, again, if I should have had him released on Thursday. Per Wikipedia Olanzapine is an atypical or next generation antipsychotic similar to Clozapine and Quetiapine/Seroquel. It affects serotonin and dopamine. I'm beginning to think that between the Invega Sustenna, Trazodone and now Olanzapine that his serotonin levels may be getting adversely (negatively) affected. Although he was showing signs of aggression on Friday, before the Olanzapine (picked up on Saturday) or the energy drinks, when not getting his own way. Perhaps I'm just searching for an explanation where there isn't one and it's just my son's ODD rearing it's ugly head.

Yesterday started off like most days with him getting up around 11:30 or 12 after me putting him to bed at 5 AM. He had taken his Trazodone around 3 when I got up and had him take it so probably fell asleep on the sofa shortly after that. I gave him an Olanzapine. A little while later I don't recall if he asked or I brought it up but he wanted two Neurontin instead of one. I said no, only one as I'm not even sure that I'm supposed to be giving him Neurontin and Olanzapine as his psychiatrist wasn't clear on that. Then I get asked if we can go get cigarettes. He has over a carton of cigarettes however it is not the kind that he wants since I'm guessing after smoking rollies, the ones he used to smoke just aren't strong enough anymore. Two kinds of cigarettes and chewing tobacco = not enough. My answer was that he will have to adjust and mix up smoking the two kinds or go without. I'm not even sure what triggered the first outburst but can you say deja vu? We were outside smoking and he is telling me that he needs more money, that he wants at least $300 a month spending money. Honestly I have a problem with the attitude that the people who are working 10 hour days to cover disability payments with there taxes are worthless and no bodies. Which is what I got told they were when I reminded him that there are people working their asses off who don't have $100 a month spending money. In walks anger and I'm being swore at, being told to watch my tone and not yell, when I wasn't even yelling. I stood there for a moment in a bit of shock as I looked at my son's face, full of rage. I walked away. Next he wants $2 to walk to the store for candy. He has at least 4 different kinds of goodies not including the other junk food that we have. My answer is no because I just can't keep spending money like we have an unlimited supply. Friday I got him a new Wii u game for $75 because he decided he didn't like the one he had previously picked out and that I couldn't return as it had been opened and used, so he ended up with another one. Last night my husband ended up needing to sleep on the sofa as his restless leg syndrome is currently ridiculous at night. It's like sleeping beside mini earthquakes. My son of course is lying on the big sofa. I get up to check and my husband who is a big guy is trying to get to sleep on the love seat. I ask my son to go to his room. His answer: Let me catch my breathe. I can't say how many times I have heard that in the past when my son's ODD was acting up and anything that I asked him to do was met with defiance, not doing it just because I asked him to and purposely making me wait. He gets up and starts telling me to kick him out and send him to a shelter. Not the first time I have heard him ask to go to the shelter in the last couple of days when he isn't getting his own way. I tell him no that I'm not kicking him out and that I'm not playing this retarded game with him again. I'm being swore at again and yes this time I raised my voice and told him that he is losing the internet for swearing at me. He says he can't live here and would rather be in a shelter. So living in a shelter where he is being told what time to go to bed, what time to get up, what time to eat, with no privacy, internet, laptop, Wii and having to be up and out everyday is better then living here? Apparently yes and I'm being told to get the fuck out of his room... He ended up calling 911 asking for assistance on how to stop my illegal pestering that I was hurting his spirit. I went to put some pants on while I listened to his side of the conversation discussing that he has schizophrenia. I went outside for a smoke while we waited for the police to attend. They showed up and the first thing he was told was that there is no such thing as illegal pestering and that he shouldn't be swearing at his mom. They took there notes, chatting for a couple of minutes and asked me if it was ok that he stay. I told them that I didn't have a problem with him being here that he is the one that doesn't want to be here and wants me to kick him out to a shelter.

So now I find myself in a bit of a conundrum (confusing or difficult problem). I'm pissed. I'm pissed because I'm hurt. I'm hurt because nothing I do seems to good enough for him. Because I haven't been being strict on structure and scheduling, I'm having a hard time getting his medications in him at the appropriate times. Because I want him getting all of his medications in him he has been getting medications early as he is not up long enough in the day to accommodate how they are being prescribed. His Olanzapine is supposed to be twice a day, morning and night, with 12 hours in between. He is not getting up until between 11-2 and still wanting his next dose between 7-9. Same with his Neurontin. Yesterday I gave him his next dose early because he said he needed it.

This morning he got up and went to the sofa around 6:30 AM. When he spoke to me it was very nice... Asking if he could have the internet back. I have been sworn at three times since Friday so no I don't think so. I told him at 8:30 that he needs to be up by 9. It's now almost 10:30 and I just got his first Olanzapine in him. Several times I reminded him to take it because if he doesn't take it now than he will not get another one today. From now own he needs to take them as prescribed. He says yes then does nothing. Refuses to take it. I asked him if he was paralyzed. I asked him this because last night after the police left he stated that he couldn't get off the sofa when I asked him to because he was paralyzed. I truly don't believe this as he was capable of talking to me and he was moving around on the sofa, just not getting up, so not paralyzed. His answer to being paralyzed this morning: Yah I guess so as he is stretching and moving around. Really!? I swear my son knows exactly what to do to piss me off. Either way if he thinks that a shelter live is better then this one... Okay. No more sleeping all day. No more staying up til 3 or 5 in the morning. No more getting medications outside of their prescribed time or without his psychiatrists okay. I asked him how the shelter got him out of bed since getting him up has not been easy today. He tells me that it would be easier for him to wake up if he had something to do. Really? What did he do at the shelter? No internet there. Apparently it's still preferable to being here...

What is the conundrum I find myself? I have been told by my son's Nana that if I was to put my son 'out on the street' again that she would step in again. Granted this time I'm sure that the people that actually purchased the ticket the last time wouldn't, considering the outcome. Will this stop her? Good question however I'm not sure that it is one that I want to find out as in the long run it will be my son paying the price as he did the last time. So I'm yet again between a rock and hard place. Try to do what I think is right for the long run and risk more interference or go against everything that I believe to be right so that we don't find ourselves repeating September, October and November. If it happened would I step in to fix it again? If it wasn't for my husband I wouldn't have had the resources to do what I have done for the past two years. Maybe that is my answer. I don't have the resources to continue to fix and take responsibility for choices that I am not making. I truly believe that no one else can provide my son with the same level of care that I can. For clarification I am not saying that I am going to send my son to a shelter. I am just talking out what is going through my mind right as I weigh the pros and cons of what I should be doing next. I am weighing them because if my son decides that he would rather be in a shelter then it may happen regardless of what my intentions are. He made sure that it happened the last time so what is stopping him from manipulating and making it happen this time? Since it worked the last time why wouldn't it work this time?

My son just proceeded to punch the door entering our apartment, hard and twice for affect... Why? Because I'm refusing to give him back the internet. Good reason to vandalize someone else's property, isn't it? I got told that if I didn't he was going to lose control like he did last night when he swore at me and gave me the finger (I missed that) which he just proceeded to do yet again, calling me a fucking slut! What a sweet boy he is... (sarcasm) He was in control when he punched the door and it was obvious that he was. I can't even imagine calling my mother a fucking slut and certainly not for telling me that she deserved to be treated with respect in her own home. Sitting here with my son towering over me, giving me the finger, threatening to lose control, calling me a fucking slut while I keep my own voice neutral and I'm thinking: Am I in danger? Sadly the answer just maybe yes. Awesome isn't it!

The police just left with him and are taking him to a shelter since that is apparently where he wants to be. I tried talking to him while he was waiting for them, saying that I don't understand why he is making this choice. How is a shelter better then here? Because they can give him more. I asked what the more was but he couldn't answer, just more and that he will find out and for me to fucking shut up. I called his case worker while we were waiting and let her know what was happening and that I don't know what to do. The familiar, it's behavioral... Yes I get that but it's being motivated by something. His ODD, maladaptive or inappropriate functioning of his flight and fight response, the Olanzapine or a combination of these with his current instability? The police asked me if he can come back? I'm not kicking him out. I told him he can't come in if he is not in control and that I'm not putting myself at risk if I'm in danger. He didn't like that as in his eyes I'm supposed to lay down my life for him, needlessly if necessary. Who cares how that might affect other people in my life like my daughter or my husband? That's right we are all worthless and nobodies. He is making the choice to go to the shelter. I packed up his back pack with what I think he will need and let the police know about his medications, that he has already taken what he can for the day so if they see him taking more pills to be on the lookout as he already said something this morning about taking enough Olanzapine to get high. Can he contact me? Yes, my son knows how to contact me when he wants something, always has, even in psychosis and he now has a cell phone that I just got hooked up on Saturday under my plan. At least this one I can disconnect, with no penalties if needed. He won't contact me unless he wants/needs something because I am of no use to him when he is like this.

His case worker let me know that his psychiatrist wants him to stay on the Invega shot with an upped dosage from 75 mg to 100 mg. Can't see that going over very well but it's not my call. She will also talk to his psychiatrist and ask if the Olanzapine can cause aggression however this was starting before the Olanzapine and she doesn't think it's likely. I did finally get a call from his disability worker this morning. She is being held up waiting for clarification from disability in the other province stating that she has left them several messages with no response. She can't issue a drug card without reactivating his file and can't do that without hearing back from them. I had told her that I would call disability in the other province to see if I can further it along however now that my son isn't here to help with the call, I'm not sure how far I can get as they will want to talk to him.

So now what?.... FML... I don't know. I guess I will just have to wait and see how things play out. My son started this with I'm sure the same intend as the last time. He is most likely being driven by the want or need to self medicate or satisfy his addiction. At least that is what his case worker suggested and upon further thought she is mostly likely correct. He has never been able to satisfy it very well here but he has certainly tried his best while in British Columbia. I guess I can't blame him for wanting to take what he thinks is the easy route, regardless of the consequences. Hopefully it won't come to that again as honestly it just might take a miracle or some other miraculous event to make me put myself out there like that again. If he stays I will be there by his side like I have been and continue to do my best to give him the life that he deserves but if we repeat September... then maybe it will be time for me to let go and let him destroy his live and others in the process. I guess I can prey for a miracle. T'is the season after all...

Mom
BarbieBF