Tattoo, Ear Infection, Forum and Inpatient Again.

I finally worked up the nerve and before I could change my mind, made an appointment to get my first tattoo. I have wanted one for a very long time. I didn't get the one I have been thinking about getting for the past 20 years and instead settled on a nice renaissance script of my children's names with two purple hearts.

This was taken the day I got it done. I'm so happy with it! I don't think it could have turned out better and is exactly what I wanted. I already know what my next one is going to be! No I'm not addicted, at least I don't think so ;) On my left shoulder I want the names of my mom and dad.

I ended up going to the walk-in clinic on Monday. Tried to get an appointment with my family doctor but couldn't get one for that day. I was pretty sure I had an ear infection and the shooting pains around my right ear where getting more frequent and painful so rather then wait another day to start taking antibiotics I walked to the clinic. About 25 minutes later I was on my way back home with my antibiotics. Advil for the pain which I did have to take consistently until yesterday. Now just the odd one if it starts to hurt.

I have referenced in the past that I'm a moderator on a schizophrenia forum. I very much enjoy my interactions on this forum and do my best to contribute to the community and help anyone that I can. There are times though where it gets to me. Emotionally. Times like right now where I see a member being treated with such disdain that I have trouble getting my mind around it. Since I'm moderator I try not to get to emotionally involved in some of the posts as I don't want it interfering with my ability to moderate the forum from an unbiased perspective. So I will talk freely about it here. There is one member who's English skills are not so great. He uses words that tend to make understanding what he writes more difficult. He seems to also post with the perspective of having limited insight into his condition, if he is in fact diagnosed. Statistically speaking 40% plus have little to no insight into their disorders (anosognosia) so I don't see him as being anymore delusional or black and white in his thinking then most of the other members. In fact he seems to understand and follow the guidelines better then some who claim to be recovered. He certainly doesn't try to put other's down as other's have been doing to him on purpose. The forum has a handful of members who seem to think that their opinions are worth more then anyone else's and that because they have reached a certain point in their recovery that everyone else should be at that same point. Words like 'reality checking' and 'delusional' get thrown around like they justify treating another human being like they are sub-human, without regard to showing the least amount of respect, compassion, sympathy or empathy.

I really don't get it. A community of people that are fighting for understanding from this world, who want a safe place to be themselves without judgement and criticism. Then someone comes along who doesn't fit and he is treated like that child on the playground that is being picked on just because he is different or maybe is from a different country so can't communicate as effectively. He tries but his attempts get ridiculed and blown off as delusional. I have tried to accommodate by moving some posts from one category to another so as not to offend or cause more grievances. Then I think to myself what is that saying? I'm saying that this person doesn't fit... In a community of people who don't feel that they fit in this world with all it's judgments, stigmas and prejudices and I'm/they are saying that one of their own doesn't fit in a particular category because he is different! Have you ever been around one of those reformed smokers who because they quit they can't abide being around another smoker or even the smell of it? Fear of relapse is probably the biggest reason for this, in my opinion. They can't trust themselves to not give into temptation and light up so they site health reasons and all the reason's why we shouldn't smoke (because we aren't aware of them already ;)) to justify acting a certain way. Sometimes my sadness and anger when I see these things happening makes me think the forum should have a disclaimer stating that you must be medication compliant (even if they don't work), non-delusional or positive symptom free and fluent in layman's English to join. To join a schizophrenia forum! I needed to get that out...

Onward to my son. He is inpatient. I had talked to him on Monday and could tell that he wasn't doing any better. Same as the last conversation. I had to repeat everything 3-4 times to get him to answer. I told him about my tattoo and we had a bit of chuckle when he told me that he didn't miss me. I know that may sound a little rude but I have always appreciated my son's honesty on things like that. He did have the good grace to laugh when he said it :) When I told him that he could call me whenever he wanted and asked him why he hadn't called. He just hadn't thought to. He did respond to my 'I love you' and said it back... After he was taken to the hospital I found out that he has been talking to his voices and I guess physically interacting with his hallucinations. Not good. He was almost charged I guess with either assault or domestic violence. He physically hurt his grandmother. I can't say I was surprised at the call, in fact have been waiting for a much worse phone call. Thankfully they haven't pressed charges and he is currently to my knowledge on suicide watch as he stated he would rather die then be taken to the hospital. Due to other details I have gotten access to I can imagine the condition that he is currently in. Paranoid, delusional and thinking that the whole world is out to get him and trampling on his rights.

I have followed through on some of my previous phone calls and attempts to figure out what the next steps should be. It would be extremely helpful if they could come up with the same terminology for the different provinces or even the world as a whole. Substitute Decision Maker, Guardian, Private Committee, Power of Attorney, Section ?... One set for one thing and another set for something else. It doesn't appear that there is one procedure that will cover everything. Then there is the cost! If I could turn back the clock and go back to when he was 16 (or even before) and all this first started, knowing what I know now... So many documents would have been signed! Oh well... Can't go back right?

I have talked to his Dad so hopefully between the two of us we can get our son back on the right track. *fingers crossed* and toes and legs and arms!... I'm still holding back on doing anything legal. I don't want to take my son away from his family where he is if it can be avoided and if it is really where he wants to be. He came to me the last time of his own free will. For now these decisions can wait until my son is stable. Besides I may need what credit I do have if the hospital is lax  or stupid enough in their responsibility to my son to release him again when he shouldn't be.

Mom
BarbieBF

Ready4Life and family support.

The last couple of days seem to have flown by. Wednesday we received a phone call from Ready4Life. Thursday I meet with a family support worker from PACT and my daughter got a new tattoo. Yesterday was doctor appointments and the movies. Now it's Saturday, hubby is working, the kids are sleeping and I'm feeling a little sad (truthfully more then a little), as my daughter will be going back home to her dad's on Tuesday. I can't blame PMS for feeling a little choked up about this. Having her here has been wonderful and I think it has even done my son some good. They have been watching movies together at night and thanks to my daughter someone that they both used to know when they both lived with me about 6-7 years ago may be re-kindling a friendship with my son. This boy/man is in college and as far as I can tell doesn't do drugs or drink. Will have to see how this plays out as I know he asked my son about paintball.

I wasn't expecting a phone call from Ready4Life so quickly. When the lady called and asked me how my son felt about it, my response was basically: He is usually all for it when we are butting heads however he tends to back off from it when things are calm. I cautioned her that my son was on the other line listening as I heard the echo when he picked up. The conversation went better then I had anticipated. In the past when my son has been faced with this discussion he would state that there is no need as he is going to be moving back with his Nana or Dad. His Nana no longer lives on her own and despite my son's usual insistence that this is an option, it really isn't. They discussed what the program can do for him and set up an appointment for next week. A little while later I asked my son if he wanted to discuss this and he said no that there was no point. In case you are in the Halton, Ontario, Canada region this is their link: http://www.r-4-l.org/

My son usually sees one of his support workers Thursday mornings, if he is awake and doesn't cancel. Despite the fact that he had gotten up for school and stayed up all day, he still managed to stay up all night and hadn't gone to bed until 6 AM. When the lady first called we discussed her coming by at another time however when I realized that she was the family support worker that his nurse had told me about, I asked that she still come by as we really need this extra support. I didn't wake my son as I wanted a chance to talk to her, uninterrupted, about what has been happening. One of the first things I told her was that I am so grateful that PACT has brought her on board as even though my son's other workers listen to me and my concerns, we/I need someone who can help from a family support point of view. I told her about the Adderall, the (hysterical) laughter, irregular sleep pattern, the marijuana and filled her in on some of the family struggles. The laughter was still happening as of that morning when he spent several hours finding the thought of cow udders to be extremely funny. Ok maybe they are a little funny :) but not enough to warrant hours of seemingly uncontrollable giggling. Again I was thankful to have my concerns validated. She took note of the laughter and sleep and said that she would bring it up at their meeting later that day as there appears to be something going on. I talked to her about my concerns regarding my son's inability to communicate in a better way with his Nana, including my thoughts on their relationship (current and past) and Folie à deux, stating that my son needs help learning to express himself better or differently as this is not helping him. We discussed his medications a little bit. I still think that his anti-psychotics should have been upped after the Adderall however at this point I have no idea how to accomplish that without causing his ODD to act up. The last thing I want to do is interfere with the fact that he is being medication compliant, at least as far as I know.

I was asked if my son was still using marijuana. I said no however now I am not so sure. My son has a cigarette vaporizer that he got some time ago and hasn't been using it for months. I have been noticing over the past week that he may be using it even though I am unable to find the mouth piece which in itself is odd. He has been charging it and moving it around. Some time ago I read an article that teenagers are using these to smoke marijuana along with electronic or E-Cigarettes. You can even find videos on YouTube.com on how to fool people so they can't tell that is what you are doing with it. I guess since it releases the 'smoke' as vapor there is minimal or no smell plus it's vapor so more effective and less harsh on the lungs? I'm not sure exactly how they work and I do believe they are questioning the harmful affects of vapor/liquid in the lungs. All I know is why would my son being charging it and where is the mouth piece? If he is using it for weed then it only stands to reason that it would be kept out of my sight. I also think I heard my son opening his bedroom window the night that he charged it. I have seen my son cold and/or sweating and he doesn't think to open or close his bedroom window. Also a night that he stayed up all night and stated that even though he had taken his pills that he couldn't get to sleep. Lot's of red flags. I really wish that my past experience with addiction could serve me better in helping my son, as it's the marijuana in my home that is the straw breaking the camels back, metaphorically speaking. Regardless of how much I love my son I can not continue to support this behavior or choice. I wish I could make him see the damage that it is causing.

An hour with this lady and it feels like I barely touched the surface but it's a start and hopefully a good one. It was a comfort to have my daughter also sit in on this meeting as her take on things, seeing things as they are by being here and knowing what information is being passed on, I think helped to paint the bigger picture. Hopefully soon we can set up another appointment where she can meet my son. During some of our talking I mentioned the Schizophrenia.com forum that I help to moderate and showed her the main page as it has a lot of information on schizophrenia. While it is a volunteer thing I sometimes lovingly call it my 'job'. She asked me if I would be interested in participating and helping with some support groups that PACT is looking into starting. I have wanted to be more involved for awhile now so perhaps this will be my opportunity to step out of my own comfort zone and give the support I would love to give to other people. Something that I am never to sure how to respond to are comments from people in real life, face to face, telling me on how strong and inspiring I am. Comments like: 'You seem to have your hands full.' Physically no. Mentally maybe. My son doesn't take up much of my physical time. I do feel for parents or caregivers who juggle family, work and broken systems. 'You seem to handle things very well.' or 'You are doing all the right things.' Most of the time however there are times when I doubt myself and wonder if I'm doing the right things. I find I hesitate before I get out that quiet 'Thank you.' Still I appreciate the vote of confidence and even more so coming from someone who has experience in all this.

My son eventually got up around 2 PM and went with my daughter and I to my daughter's tattoo appointment. My daughter has gone through stages of punk or emo? Sometimes I feel old! Mohawks, green hair, piercings and tattoos. I actually found her green Mohawk cute! Some piercings have been removed while some remain. I like her Monroe and I'm glad she kept it. Her latest addition is a cross tattoo in recognition of her new found faith in God. The lady did a really good job.

Yesterday we had a follow up appointment for my daughter's yearly check up to get x-rays done for the scoliosis surgery she had on her spine several years ago. Her spin was literally an S. Double major curves each around 50 degrees. I forgot again to take before and after pictures. She is healing nicely. She gained I do believe 2 inches as result of the straightening of her spine and ended up taller them me!

My hubby had an appointment to renew his Ciprelax which I of course attended with him. I sometimes wonder if I spend too much time reading and researching mental illness and other disorders. I think my hubby has ADD and perhaps Paranoid Personality Disorder. He agrees with the ADD but not the paranoia. I very well could be over-analyzing that one. I brought up to our Doctor that I think his anxiety may be a result of ADD and that he fits about 90% of the criteria. The Doctor didn't even bat an eye and fairly quickly said that it was possible and is putting in a referral to a psychiatrist as he doesn't diagnose these types of things. I will save the paranoia discussion for the pdoc ;)

We all went to see the movie Transformers: Age of Extinction last night. I liked it however I was a little disappointed but the ending made up for that. I think it's been 4 or 5 nights in a row now that I haven't had to take anything for sleep and I have been sleeping most of the night, only waking up a couple of times. To borrow one of my son's responses. Nice! It's been a fairly busy week so maybe that is helping to combat my insomnia. My downstairs neighbor has been behaving so I haven't had to take any sleeping pills either. We also went to a bookstore yesterday as I wanted to buy a book I read about. It's called Far From The Tree by Andrew Solomon. Winner of 11 national awards and USA Today states: "A masterpiece of nonfiction, the culmination of a decade's worth of research and writing... It should be required reading for psychologists, teachers and above all, parents.... A bold and unambiguous call to redefine how we view difference.' 700 pages should keep me busy for awhile. I used to read all the time... Romance and vampires ;) I also got a book called Awakening Your Psychic Powers...

We are a week late getting my son's monthly blood work done. I seem to be slipping a bit. I also realized yesterday that I had let our car insurance payment bounce again. Two months in a row. Time to get re-organized! Have to call the pharmacy and have them refill two of my son's prescriptions. I seriously worry about who will take care of these things or anything else for that matter if/when my son is out on his own. It's a scary thought. I think I have written enough for one day so I won't go into that now.

Mom
BarbieBF