For those who noticed that my blog was unavailable for a little bit... For privacy reasons I had changed it to private however even with some of the grief that can come with publicly airing my life, I have decided to make it public again. However please note my copyright notice at the bottom of each page and post. Breaking up my blog into pieces and sharing it without my permission is not authorized.
I know how lost I was when I first starting down this new unknown road of mental illness. If my blog can help even one person to not feel alone then any grief that comes my way is worth it.
On to the important stuff...
My son is now officially living with me and hubby. Still have some things to work out with respect to his disability payments and I'm guessing now a couple years worth of income tax returns. It was assumed that the group home he was living in was taking care of these things for him. They did nothing regarding claiming his income with disability so now he owes disability a lot of money covering two years of overpayments. Since they didn't touch this, I think it's a pretty good bet they didn't do his taxes either.
Because he moved he now has a new caseworker and psychiatrist. His first appointment with the new caseworker was a bit bumpy. Not really her fault however my son got a bit stressed out when she kept asking him about relapse symptoms. It's been years now since his last relapse and as you can imagine, not a place he wants to go to or remember. We made that clear on his next appointment with the psychiatrist and caseworker that that line of questioning will only upset him.
Yesterday my son and I butted heads. It's easy to forget sometimes (most of the time) that he is diagnosed with mental illness and little life stresses can hit him hard. A couple of weeks ago he purchased an electric bike which he has been wanting for a long time. He hasn't been getting the correct amount of charge time. It's all new to me so a bit hard for me to navigate what charge readings mean. Of course he being disappointed got a little bit aggressive in his verbal and body language. I reacted... My bad.
My hubby doesn't handle aggression very well either due to his own diagnoses of anxiety etc. He went to the store and didn't take my son. He almost always takes my son on outings with him. It wasn't intentional however he needed to get away from the aggression my son was displaying.
Next think I know my son is well verbally bashing my hubby. Like I said... I reacted. I don't let anyone disrespect my hubby, including my own children.
Thankfully it didn't get out of hand and once I realized where my son and I were at I turned it around. I apologized to him for yelling in reaction and he apologized for being aggressive.
Still it was a reminder to me that my son isn't mentally 25 years old. Even if he is doing awesome, which he is, he is still not capable of handling disappointments and anxiety the same as someone without mental illness.
I would have to say that I was very proud of his ability to calm down and the two of us talk it out. He recognized that he got aggressive and that he has trouble with anxiety and coping with it.
I was also very proud of him during our meeting with his psychiatrist and caseworker as he seems to have no problem with his medications and likes them because they help him with his anxiety and help him sleep. My son when younger, used to have a lot of issues with his palms sweating. He hasn't had this for a long time now and he attributes this to his Clozapine. Chances are he's right. I have not discussed my son's medications in terms of psychosis since almost the beginning. It's always about the things he can see and recognize that helps him. Anxiety and sleep being the main things. He also stated that without his medications he probably wouldn't be working and he loves his job.
He surprised me even further when he told me that he doesn't even regret being inpatient anymore. That it probably did him some good. This came up when we were at the same hospital he was inpatient at before, waiting on the birth of his niece.
My granddaughter was born last month... Momma, baby and grandson are all doing great.
My daughter is handling being a single mom beautifully. You may recall that she lost her husband in September. I sometimes feel bad that I don't give her a lot of my attention and time. My own little world can get overwhelming at times. Thankfully she has 4 parental figures in her life. One day at church I was asked where my daughter was and I replied: She's at her mom and dads... One can never have too many moms and dads.
My daughter asked me for some help today so I should get my butt in gear...
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2020. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Showing posts with label Disability. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Disability. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 11, 2020
Monday, July 27, 2015
Mocktails and an empty nest
Yesterday I tried making a mocktail, a non-alcoholic version of a typically alcoholic beverage. Of course in my typical fashion of not thinking ahead and just going with an idea, I had no ice... Still hubby and I enjoyed a virgin pina-colada. There is now an ice cube tray in the freezer :)
It's been awhile since hubby and I went alcohol free. It's certainly a different life style. One that can have an impact even though you don't realize it. There is no going for a drink with the boys after work. No hanging out to have a beer. No weekend cocktails and cards. But see that is where I am trying to make the change. Yes we can have weekend mocktails and we can enjoy them in the backyard and we can try to learn to do the things that we did while drinking, sober.
I can't say I particularly enjoyed playing darts but I played. My hubby and his brother enjoyed playing... or they enjoyed drinking with something to do while doing it ;). I want us to enjoy playing darts. I want summer evenings in the backyard.
I noticed something one day last week when hubby and I sat down for dinner. We have been together for almost 5 years yet we have had little time with just the 2 of us. There is usually someone else there or even if they aren't right there, around. Now it's just us. It's a good thing. Not that I'm expecting it to last forever.
I did go see my doctor last Monday. I totally forgot to ask for blood work to be done or to discuss my weight. I did weigh myself while there and I'm not losing anymore, in fact, I'm slowly gaining so I will see how it goes now that some other things are back on track. I got my Venlafaxine refilled. I'm back on my tinctures for my menopause. I am now quitting smoking with just the lozenges once or twice a day. Every time I put on a patch, even the lowest dosage, all if it came flooding back. Ears ringing, dizziness, heart pounding... My doctor said it certainly sounded like the patch was causing it and that if I find wearing it too much then I can't use them. Like I told hubby last night, I guess I had better make this time the last time quitting as I'm running out of options on quit-smoking aids.
The dizziness is still there. Not sure what is causing it. I'm wondering if I'm not eating enough. It's not nearly as bad as it was. Part of it could be being back on my medication and readjusting. I will give it some time. I have to make a follow up appointment before I can get my antidepressants refilled so if I'm still experiencing dizziness etc than I will request some blood work and my female exam.
Work is going good. I worked this Sunday as my boss wanted to see if we would get a good response. I did contact those who asked to be called on Sunday or people that I was having trouble getting a hold of during the week due to working. I haven't gotten paid yet which I'm hoping will happen soon.
Last Monday my son called to tell me that he contacted disability and it was too late for them to adjust this payment so the normal room and board amount would come to me and that I owe him back half of it. I owe him... So yeah... I usually put that payment towards half of the rent.
My son has called here and there. Every time to ask for something. Can we go camping (he is supposed to be paying for this). Can I take him to the grocery store for treats. Can I loan him money for cigarettes and take it out of the money I owe him. He already owes me for a carton of smokes. Yesterday he called saying he really wanted a cigarette. I don't smoke anymore so no sympathy from me for that.
In fact I told him that I'm not going to feel sorry for him. He's getting enough of that already. Whenever I point out to him why he is where he is, he ends the call. That isn't schizophrenia. He knows what happened and doesn't want to take responsibility for his choices. This is the closest he has come to being held responsible.
As always.. what to do... I don't know. I can buy him things now and by the time I get the payment there will be little money left to give him. IF he is getting a plane ticket...
Amazing sometimes how little some things change. He won't accept the right kind of help here if he has the opportunity to run away again. I guess time will tell what is happening there because I don't know what his plans are.
Today I'm planning to try a recipe for granola bars. I'm hoping to find a healthier snack for hubby at work. I might also try finding a recipe I can work with for a multi-grain bread.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
It's been awhile since hubby and I went alcohol free. It's certainly a different life style. One that can have an impact even though you don't realize it. There is no going for a drink with the boys after work. No hanging out to have a beer. No weekend cocktails and cards. But see that is where I am trying to make the change. Yes we can have weekend mocktails and we can enjoy them in the backyard and we can try to learn to do the things that we did while drinking, sober.
I can't say I particularly enjoyed playing darts but I played. My hubby and his brother enjoyed playing... or they enjoyed drinking with something to do while doing it ;). I want us to enjoy playing darts. I want summer evenings in the backyard.
I noticed something one day last week when hubby and I sat down for dinner. We have been together for almost 5 years yet we have had little time with just the 2 of us. There is usually someone else there or even if they aren't right there, around. Now it's just us. It's a good thing. Not that I'm expecting it to last forever.
I did go see my doctor last Monday. I totally forgot to ask for blood work to be done or to discuss my weight. I did weigh myself while there and I'm not losing anymore, in fact, I'm slowly gaining so I will see how it goes now that some other things are back on track. I got my Venlafaxine refilled. I'm back on my tinctures for my menopause. I am now quitting smoking with just the lozenges once or twice a day. Every time I put on a patch, even the lowest dosage, all if it came flooding back. Ears ringing, dizziness, heart pounding... My doctor said it certainly sounded like the patch was causing it and that if I find wearing it too much then I can't use them. Like I told hubby last night, I guess I had better make this time the last time quitting as I'm running out of options on quit-smoking aids.
The dizziness is still there. Not sure what is causing it. I'm wondering if I'm not eating enough. It's not nearly as bad as it was. Part of it could be being back on my medication and readjusting. I will give it some time. I have to make a follow up appointment before I can get my antidepressants refilled so if I'm still experiencing dizziness etc than I will request some blood work and my female exam.
Work is going good. I worked this Sunday as my boss wanted to see if we would get a good response. I did contact those who asked to be called on Sunday or people that I was having trouble getting a hold of during the week due to working. I haven't gotten paid yet which I'm hoping will happen soon.
Last Monday my son called to tell me that he contacted disability and it was too late for them to adjust this payment so the normal room and board amount would come to me and that I owe him back half of it. I owe him... So yeah... I usually put that payment towards half of the rent.
My son has called here and there. Every time to ask for something. Can we go camping (he is supposed to be paying for this). Can I take him to the grocery store for treats. Can I loan him money for cigarettes and take it out of the money I owe him. He already owes me for a carton of smokes. Yesterday he called saying he really wanted a cigarette. I don't smoke anymore so no sympathy from me for that.
In fact I told him that I'm not going to feel sorry for him. He's getting enough of that already. Whenever I point out to him why he is where he is, he ends the call. That isn't schizophrenia. He knows what happened and doesn't want to take responsibility for his choices. This is the closest he has come to being held responsible.
As always.. what to do... I don't know. I can buy him things now and by the time I get the payment there will be little money left to give him. IF he is getting a plane ticket...
Amazing sometimes how little some things change. He won't accept the right kind of help here if he has the opportunity to run away again. I guess time will tell what is happening there because I don't know what his plans are.
Today I'm planning to try a recipe for granola bars. I'm hoping to find a healthier snack for hubby at work. I might also try finding a recipe I can work with for a multi-grain bread.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Monday, July 20, 2015
Third time's a charm?
As you know I quit smoking when I started using the nicotine patch a month ago. This is the third time I'm quitting smoking with the patch. I did succeed the other two times and was quit for 6 and 8 months each time. Quitting doesn't seem to be my issue. Now staying quit on the other hand ;).
This time... Just wow this hasn't been fun. The patches come in stages depending on how much you smoke. I already knew from past experience that starting with step 1 (21 mg patch) was too much nicotine for me. I also know to take the patch off before bed regardless of what the instructions say. I have always wondered what they are thinking. No one smokes in their sleep (unless you sleep walk) so why have nicotine coursing through your system when trying to quit and while sleeping. I wonder how many people don't even complete the program due to how bad the bad dreams are...
I start with step 2 (14 mg patch) and generally do each step a little longer since I cut out the first step. Step 2 is for less then 10 cigarettes a day. Nothing seems to take into consideration whether the person smokes lights, ultra-lights or in my case super-slims. Really skinny cigarettes.
By the end of last week even I was starting to get concerned. I came pretty close to heading to the hospital's emergency department over the weekend. Hubby came pretty close to taking me. There have been changes to several different things so I wasn't sure what was causing what or if it was all just bad timing of everything together.
I didn't get my Venlafaxine prescription renewed. Yes I know, not very smart of me. I did try however my doctor needs to see me first since I upped it from 37.5 to 75 mg. I'm still not sure if I want to get it renewed or not. I only wanted them for some short-term help until I was able to get started in counselling and hopefully get myself re-centered again. Sadly it seems that I may not be able to make it through a weekend without them though.
I got my menstrual cycle 2 weeks early. Yup fun! I'm already struggling to get enough iron so that I'm not anemic. Throw an extra period in there and I was expecting to feel light-headed. Also I had stopped taking one of my tinctures that I use to keep my menopausal symptoms in check and my cycles regular.
I haven't had a cigarette since June 20.
I think I was handling things not bad. Still by Friday I was getting concerned. I was so light-headed and nauseous. After years of cycle issues I'm used to being light-headed during my menstrual cycles. This however was over the top. Just sitting while I was working was hard as I was constantly on the verge of fainting. I wanted to vomit. I was cold sweats. I had started getting cold sweats at night too which I figured was the beginning of hot flashes again...
Thinking what I was experiencing was mostly cycle related and/or iron, then I doubled up on my iron supplement. Needless to say that didn't help since it wasn't the issue. Then there is the side affects of taking too much iron ;). I think that is evening itself out today though.
Holy cravings... Not for cigarettes. Salt and sugar. Banana splits, waffles, ice cream, whipped cream, syrup, potato chips and oh my gosh thirsty. I was experiencing an over-dose of nicotine. As a smoker and recovered addict I know what it feels like to smoke too much. This was... I don't ever want to experience that again.
This will be the 3rd day of no patch. Yesterday morning I put one on for about 45 minutes. The day before I had one on for maybe a couple of hours. I had to take them off. Within 20 minutes of putting them on I was dizzy, nauseous and my heart rate was going through the roof. It felt like I was running while sitting still. It was like I was on a serious high without the good parts. Breathing was a chore at times.
On a side note. Perhaps the experience can give me a little more insight into what my son can sometimes experience.
That's when I started putting it together. When I realized that I haven't physically craved a cigarette for a while now. I had gone days without wanting a Lozenge. There was so much nicotine in my system that even the habit itself wasn't making itself known.
I spoke to the pharmacist and he said it was a good thing that I was ready for step 3 (7 mg patch) so quickly. At least that was reassuring, I guess. Feeling like I needed to be in the ER wasn't.
Today I can feel it. I want a cigarette. I'm afraid to put on a patch though. I will see how I react to a lozenge first. I'm still light-headed. No where near where I was though. Thank goodness. I wake up feeling ok since I have gone all night with no nicotine and my system can start flushing it out. Caffeine... I'm noticing that drinking coffee is not helping as it's another stimulant that is triggering the nicotine affect.
All the physical stuff... It was the emotional or should I say IS the emotional that I'm struggling to get under control. Since I have never come off of antidepressants before and certainly not with all this other crap going on, I have no experience to compare it to. Yesterday I was to the point of, I don't know what. Hubby was 'helping' me with cleaning the floors. The way that ADHD, over-worried hubbies can help. By making everything worse :). I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle his ADHD thinking. I couldn't handle his attitude or inability to cope with me not being able to handle him. I hit him with a pillow. Trust me I wanted to do more... I wanted/needed him to stop. Just stop.
I'm a hormonal mess it seems. I have been on the verge of tears since yesterday morning. Now I think this is due to coming off the Venlafaxine. Not only do I want to cry at the sappy parts in movies, I want to cry at the thought of the sappy parts that I know are coming. Haha! Parts that I don't normally find sappy...
I'm back on my tinctures for menopause. I think my bleeding is finally stopping. Sorry guys... But honestly. Why can't our bodies just make a decision. Off or on. I don't even care which but 'spotting' is a complete joke.
Before I forget. A shout-out to my followers who have shown me support. I can't say how much I appreciate it. I don't have high expectations when it comes to family or anyone's ability to care... I will just leave that there. I blog and share because it helps me and hopefully helps others to not feel alone. So when I end up not feeling alone because of my followers responses and support. Yup, I'm a hormonal mess! Thank you and I see you! (We watched Avatar last night)
I missed my son's call yesterday. Because of work I sometimes put my phone on vibrate. I have a new work number now but the people I have previously contacted have my personal number. So I didn't know that he had called until last night.
I did see him on Friday. Hubby and I dropped him off a carton of smokes that he was supposed to call me and learn how to transfer me the money for them. Yes I know... I really wasn't expecting that to happen. I butted heads with privacy laws again. We can't tell you if he is here... We can't help you because we love to quote privacy laws instead of using common sense... Honestly I found myself insisting that there is a release that can be signed and that I'm pretty sure privacy laws haven't changed in the past 6 months. I had to insist because for whatever reason they didn't want to be bothered to reach over and grab a piece of paper that apparently didn't exist until I insisted. Then magically it appeared and my son was able to sign a release that let them acknowledge that he existed there when I called or showed up to drop off things he requested.
Sorry... It's just such a bullshit system and it doesn't help anyone. They certainly weren't helping my son. So who were they helping? Good question!
My son had called wanting smokes and some other items. Honestly I think he just wanted to come home and see if the alcohol was still here. He wanted some cloths. I checked his room and he took the cloths that he likes to wear. He already had tons of socks and underwear. His favorite shirts. Shorts and several pairs of pants. I did take him his favorite hoodie and some other things like chargers and his ipod etc.
Since the shelter pulled their privacy crap we couldn't even wait on the shelter's property to see if my son was going to come out for a smoke. They wouldn't take the items we brought. So we sat in the car for like 45 minutes, on the street. Then we drove to the closest mini-mart since I knew my son was buying cigarettes. I guess he saw us at some point so just as I figured was going to happen. He called me as we were getting back on the highway heading home. We turned around... I went inside with him to make sure the release was signed.
I asked him if he was taking his pills and he said yes. I asked him what he was doing. Just sitting outside smoking. So I clarified that I meant in the future. What are his plans. Well he doesn't want to have a place on his own out here in Ontario. He doesn't want to have a place on his own anywhere. The difference is that here with me being an addict/alcoholic isn't easy. In British Columbia it will be easy as who is going to try and stop him from throwing his life away? He knows that talk about him getting his own place out there is just that, talk. He has no intentions of doing it. He can't see past his addiction right now. And I seem to be the only one who thinks he is capable of doing that.
According to him he plans on buying a ticket with his disability payment. $98 isn't going to buy him a plane ticket. I'm certainly not helping him throw his life away. I told him again that he needs to go into rehab. He needs to be in a long-term treatment facility to help him. At least here that option is a distinct possibility and could happen rather quickly if he would take that step.
It's all second guessing on my part since I haven't heard from anyone on what their plans or intentions are.
I won't say how I know however I do know that he went to the liquor store on Friday for a bottle. I'm guessing he hasn't gotten caught or drank it all to make sure he didn't get caught. Alcohol... harmless right? Let him have it, right? *shakes head*
For now it's one day a time.
I do plan on making a doctor's appointment for myself and getting some blood work done. I want to make sure that the weight I have lost isn't as bad as everyone else seems to think it is. They may be right. I noticed on the weekend that I felt my ribs. I don't think I have been this thin since I was addicted so I should follow up and make sure it's nothing serious. I have been trying hard I guess to not acknowledge that there could be something wrong. The thought of me not being capable of taking care of things... It's a scary thought.
I'm off to play my Facebook games before work. I hope everyone had a good weekend and *finger's crossed* and a good week.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, July 17, 2015
Ashes! Ashes! We all fall down.
I don't have a lot of time before I start work however I felt like doing a quick blog post.
I think I have referenced the above nursery rhyme before. Sadly it's one of those cycles that we/I seem to keep getting caught in. I keep saying that I don't want to play this game anymore. It seems the only way I can make that happen is to quite literally remove myself or as I did on Wednesday, remove my son.
He did end up going to the liquor store and got 4 bottles of alcohol. A nice variety: vodka, southern comfort, fireball whiskey and sour puss liquor. I had no idea. I began to get an idea however when I asked him to clean up his mess in the kitchen and got threatened with being hit and he tossed his candy all over the kitchen counter and floor. A little while later I looked into the back yard and he was lying there with an almost empty bottle of sour suss beside him. That got tossed right away. He didn't seem concerned about it. Why would he be? He had 3 more bottles to go.
I sat at my desk and asked myself if I was prepared and willing to do what I wanted to do next. Yes. I called the police. Like I explained to the lady on the phone, I really didn't feel like I had many, if any, options left. At the rate he was going there was a big chance I would be calling the police soon if not that day anyways and the outcome probably wouldn't have been very pretty.
They attended. One of them was periodically an idiot in my opinion. When I told him that there was open alcohol stashed on the grounds he didn't seem that interested in doing anything about it. Or should I say motivated to actually walk his ass anywhere to find it. There was kids around playing. I let him know that if a kid got into it then it was on his head. I still don't get how it's not his job to enforce the law of no open alcohol in public or drinking in public. But hey...
My son at this point was quit intoxicated which was very clear by his face and speech. After I removed the sour puss, I'm guessing he went for the vodka since I still haven't found that bottle. He insisted on lying to me and the police when asked about the alcohol. By the way, I have the liquor store receipt from that morning which I found stashed behind his TV stand.
I stood there, looking at the officers, managing to hold my cool and my emotions, while they asked me what it is that I wanted them to do. Did I want him removed from the home. Since he wasn't at that moment being violent... Gotta love the system! Can't prevent violence only get involved once it happens. Call them back if he does get violent with me.
Of course my son is saying there is no more alcohol which was a lie. He is saying he is done drinking for now. I'm standing there... Thinking to myself I have done what I can do. I have asked anyone that I could think of to ask for advise on what I was supposed to do and handle this type of situation. It was up to me if I wanted to call in the police. Well I took that step and I stood behind it. I asked them to remove him from the home.
They did. I do believe he got charged a fine of some sort for being intoxicated in public then he was released to the shelter once he was sober enough I guess for them to accept him.
Now it's Friday and I have heard from him a couple of times. Asking for a ride to get smokes since he didn't want to spend all of his money on expensive cigarettes. Asking for money for a plane ticket back out to British Columbia. And of course there is the fact that I will owe him money at the end of the month when I receive the room and board portion of his disability payment.
Money, money, money...
I haven't heard from anyone else which tells me a lot. Having been through this as many times as I have been, the quieter it is and the less I'm hearing from people, pretty much tells me what I need to know.
My daughter called me on Wednesday asking what happened. I love her dearly but she can be pretty transparent. She has this way of asking... It's not her asking. I try really hard not to react because none of this is on her. Still it's hard when she wants to get in the middle when she has no idea what is going on or what I have been dealing with. She asked if I was prepared for him going back out there and commented that she guessed she was going to have to get another job. Isn't it awesome that an 19 year old is going to try to financially help take on the responsibility of 2 adults that are older then her.
My only response is for them to do whatever they feel is necessary. Please don't call me for money. I just sent her money because she said she didn't have money for personal hygiene products and cigarettes until pay day. It looks like I have some more boundary setting ahead of me.
Yesterday I had a shower that I actually enjoyed. I didn't even realize until I was in the shower that it's been months since I had a shower and relaxed in it. Always having my guard up, my listening ears on and making sure my purse or anything else of consequence was hopefully in a safe place.
I cleaned up the back yard. I have been avoiding it because my son has been treating it like a garbage can and I was constantly picking up garbage and cleaning up spit etc.
I have been going to bed and leaving my purse in the living room.
There is a part of me that is honestly reveling in the freedom of being able to enjoy and relax in my own home. I can breathe. Hubby and I can spend time in the living room together. We have been going to bed right after dinner lately because it was easier. I can work without worrying about paying attention to what my son was doing or having to stop to clean up his vomit or making sure he wasn't masturbating again out front. What can I say... Yes it feels good.
The mom in me however is make no mistake about it, heart-broken.
I just don't want to fall down anymore.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
I think I have referenced the above nursery rhyme before. Sadly it's one of those cycles that we/I seem to keep getting caught in. I keep saying that I don't want to play this game anymore. It seems the only way I can make that happen is to quite literally remove myself or as I did on Wednesday, remove my son.
He did end up going to the liquor store and got 4 bottles of alcohol. A nice variety: vodka, southern comfort, fireball whiskey and sour puss liquor. I had no idea. I began to get an idea however when I asked him to clean up his mess in the kitchen and got threatened with being hit and he tossed his candy all over the kitchen counter and floor. A little while later I looked into the back yard and he was lying there with an almost empty bottle of sour suss beside him. That got tossed right away. He didn't seem concerned about it. Why would he be? He had 3 more bottles to go.
I sat at my desk and asked myself if I was prepared and willing to do what I wanted to do next. Yes. I called the police. Like I explained to the lady on the phone, I really didn't feel like I had many, if any, options left. At the rate he was going there was a big chance I would be calling the police soon if not that day anyways and the outcome probably wouldn't have been very pretty.
They attended. One of them was periodically an idiot in my opinion. When I told him that there was open alcohol stashed on the grounds he didn't seem that interested in doing anything about it. Or should I say motivated to actually walk his ass anywhere to find it. There was kids around playing. I let him know that if a kid got into it then it was on his head. I still don't get how it's not his job to enforce the law of no open alcohol in public or drinking in public. But hey...
My son at this point was quit intoxicated which was very clear by his face and speech. After I removed the sour puss, I'm guessing he went for the vodka since I still haven't found that bottle. He insisted on lying to me and the police when asked about the alcohol. By the way, I have the liquor store receipt from that morning which I found stashed behind his TV stand.
I stood there, looking at the officers, managing to hold my cool and my emotions, while they asked me what it is that I wanted them to do. Did I want him removed from the home. Since he wasn't at that moment being violent... Gotta love the system! Can't prevent violence only get involved once it happens. Call them back if he does get violent with me.
Of course my son is saying there is no more alcohol which was a lie. He is saying he is done drinking for now. I'm standing there... Thinking to myself I have done what I can do. I have asked anyone that I could think of to ask for advise on what I was supposed to do and handle this type of situation. It was up to me if I wanted to call in the police. Well I took that step and I stood behind it. I asked them to remove him from the home.
They did. I do believe he got charged a fine of some sort for being intoxicated in public then he was released to the shelter once he was sober enough I guess for them to accept him.
Now it's Friday and I have heard from him a couple of times. Asking for a ride to get smokes since he didn't want to spend all of his money on expensive cigarettes. Asking for money for a plane ticket back out to British Columbia. And of course there is the fact that I will owe him money at the end of the month when I receive the room and board portion of his disability payment.
Money, money, money...
I haven't heard from anyone else which tells me a lot. Having been through this as many times as I have been, the quieter it is and the less I'm hearing from people, pretty much tells me what I need to know.
My daughter called me on Wednesday asking what happened. I love her dearly but she can be pretty transparent. She has this way of asking... It's not her asking. I try really hard not to react because none of this is on her. Still it's hard when she wants to get in the middle when she has no idea what is going on or what I have been dealing with. She asked if I was prepared for him going back out there and commented that she guessed she was going to have to get another job. Isn't it awesome that an 19 year old is going to try to financially help take on the responsibility of 2 adults that are older then her.
My only response is for them to do whatever they feel is necessary. Please don't call me for money. I just sent her money because she said she didn't have money for personal hygiene products and cigarettes until pay day. It looks like I have some more boundary setting ahead of me.
Yesterday I had a shower that I actually enjoyed. I didn't even realize until I was in the shower that it's been months since I had a shower and relaxed in it. Always having my guard up, my listening ears on and making sure my purse or anything else of consequence was hopefully in a safe place.
I cleaned up the back yard. I have been avoiding it because my son has been treating it like a garbage can and I was constantly picking up garbage and cleaning up spit etc.
I have been going to bed and leaving my purse in the living room.
There is a part of me that is honestly reveling in the freedom of being able to enjoy and relax in my own home. I can breathe. Hubby and I can spend time in the living room together. We have been going to bed right after dinner lately because it was easier. I can work without worrying about paying attention to what my son was doing or having to stop to clean up his vomit or making sure he wasn't masturbating again out front. What can I say... Yes it feels good.
The mom in me however is make no mistake about it, heart-broken.
I just don't want to fall down anymore.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
A right of passage
Thought I would give a quick update...
Not a lot has changed over the past week. Getting more comfortable with the job and fitting myself into the schedule my boss wants me on. In my opinion the hours are... Well they are broken up throughout the day. Monday to Friday he wants 11:30 - 1, 4:30 - 6 then 8-10. Friday's 11:30 - 2 and Saturday's 9-1. The 8-10 shift is a no go for me. I'm not giving up what little time hubby and I have together during the week and once I get my son back on a sensible sleep schedule than 8 is our bedtime ;). There is also fact that I'm pretty sure calling after 9 PM is legally not a go. I don't get calling at 9 AM on a Saturday and not at 9 AM during the week when it's expected that people be up. Aside from that I'm booking appointments and have submitted my first invoice. So hopefully I will be seeing some money soon!
On July 6 my son's nurse was here for his weekly visit. Like I told his psychiatrist who was here the following day, I think I held it together pretty good. When I told his nurse about his excessive, not in private, out in public masturbating... His response was that since my son didn't have a girlfriend that masturbating was a right of passage and that him doing it out on the front veranda was behavioral. *pats self on back* for not losing it ;).
They drop of his medications every Friday in a blister pack (medications are in pop-out boxes for each day). Which I think is ridiculous and have told them several times it's not necessary but the PACT team insists on it. I guess they like it because when they visit they can see if patients/clients are taking their medications. Since my son doesn't get himself his meds, I do it, it's pointless. A waste of the pharmacists time and resources (and I think costs the government more money) and means every week someone has to come here on Friday instead of just giving me a months supply in a bottle. Anyways... Because I'm apparently not using the blister pack properly (haha) which means not starting the new pack on Friday when they bring it and instead using up the remainder of the previous blister pack, then his nurse couldn't understand what days medications he had missed. For clarification the blister packs have 7 days. Monday to Sunday. So I start a new one on Monday. Confusing right? His nurse thought so. So when I showed him that my son had missed taking his meds on Tuesday and Thursday, he decided that my son had missed 2 days in a row. Sometimes there is just no point in carrying on a conversation...
He did however set up an appointment for Michael's psychiatrist to come here the next day. I filled him. Let him know that even though I appreciate how his nurse is with Michael and that in that regard he is doing very good, that he doesn't take my concerns seriously or listen to me very well. His psychiatrist makes decisions based on the feedback from the other team members and when that feedback isn't relayed properly then I tend to get a bit upset. It's certainly not the first time I have dealt with this. His first nurse with PACT was bad for that too. She blamed almost everything on behavior. I asked his psychiatrist what to do when this happens. Call in and make an appointment with him.
We discussed medication options and decided to add back the Lithium. *shakes head* I have off and on been suggesting this since he was in the shelter in February. I asked for clarification on who I am thinking about my son's behaviors and if I was completely off track. It's a bit of both I guess. On one hand yes some things are behavioral and I can acknowledge that. Punching and kicking my door, behavioral. Insisting on smoking in his room, behavioral. Not knowing that it is inappropriate to masturbate in front of your mother or out in public because one can't see past the urge to do it, not so much. His psychiatrist agreed that this behavior is not normal even for him and he isn't doing it just to piss me off. The problem though is that upping medications will not necessarily correct this. Upping his Invega could cause the opposite affect of what we are looking for and make his negative symptoms worse. I can understand that. Adding the Lithium back should increase the effectiveness of his Invega and hopefully help with his negative symptoms. I think Lithium tends to act like an antidepressant with Michael whereas actual antidepressants do him no good. Why would they? In the bigger picture he is not depressed. He is experiencing negative symptoms which is different.
The Lithium was dropped off on Wednesday. Of course he missed his medications on Thursday due to alcohol. If anyone thinks that alcohol is harmless... Come see what I see. It's far from harmless for my son. It's keeping him unstable and robbing him of a future. Hopefully we have a 3 week break from it and I can work on getting him started on some sort of stability.
He has his days and nights mixed up again. I'm reminding him several times throughout the night to take his pills however he isn't taking them until morning and then sleeping. If it happens again tonight I think I may just let him miss them and try to start fresh tomorrow night.
As for the smoking in his room. It's a constant battle. Thursday night I found his whiskey bottle in his room. His psychiatrist agreed with me that Michael most likely has ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and sadly trying to discipline around and keep the appropriate boundaries is even more important due to the ODD. You let one slip and they all go. The mess he is making of his bedroom floor :(. They are shellacked and he throws his cigarettes on them when I walk into his room so I won't see it. Oh yes... According to him he is accidentally smoking in his room. Haha. Because you accidentally close your bedroom door, light an incense to cover up the smell and find something to use for an ashtray. Sometimes that is his garbage can with liquids thrown in it. I have removed his garbage can. He doesn't use it for actual garbage anyways. I have tapped a note to the top of the stairs that says 'no smoking, leave your smokes downstairs' and another one to his bedroom door. At least he can't pretend like he doesn't know the rule :).
The last day or so it's cigarettes... I have warned him and warned him that I'm quit and I'm not supplying him with cigarettes. He knew this when hubby took him to get cigarettes. He got 2 cartons which he now doesn't like. Where we go you can actually smoke in the store and you can try every kind of cigarette that they have to see if you like them. He tried them. I'm guessing he was more concerned with getting the cheaper ones so that he had money for alcohol. His choice. I also gave him the cigarettes that we had gotten for him from before which was another 4 packs. Yesterday he wanted me to buy him a couple of packs with the extra money he is giving me. He isn't giving me any money. Disability is sending me MY portion of his payments. I didn't respond to this comment at all. Then it was can he have a pack of hubby's. Hubby doesn't keep his cigarettes in the home anymore and he wasn't home yesterday. Kinda sad that we can't even keep our own things in our own home. Hubby is also quitting. We just got him patches too. So Michael I'm afraid is going to be shit out'a luck in the smoking department. The kicker though is that he does have cigarettes. He just doesn't like them.
So today is my day off! Yeah! I have to finish the laundry I started yesterday evening. I really need to clean the floors as Michael has spelt pretty much everything, everywhere. I need to wash his blankets too. Still haven't gotten him in the shower :(. He did have a bath on Monday night however that had more do with him liking being in the bathtub when he is drunk. God I hate alcohol!
I guess that wasn't a quick update after all. :)
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Not a lot has changed over the past week. Getting more comfortable with the job and fitting myself into the schedule my boss wants me on. In my opinion the hours are... Well they are broken up throughout the day. Monday to Friday he wants 11:30 - 1, 4:30 - 6 then 8-10. Friday's 11:30 - 2 and Saturday's 9-1. The 8-10 shift is a no go for me. I'm not giving up what little time hubby and I have together during the week and once I get my son back on a sensible sleep schedule than 8 is our bedtime ;). There is also fact that I'm pretty sure calling after 9 PM is legally not a go. I don't get calling at 9 AM on a Saturday and not at 9 AM during the week when it's expected that people be up. Aside from that I'm booking appointments and have submitted my first invoice. So hopefully I will be seeing some money soon!
On July 6 my son's nurse was here for his weekly visit. Like I told his psychiatrist who was here the following day, I think I held it together pretty good. When I told his nurse about his excessive, not in private, out in public masturbating... His response was that since my son didn't have a girlfriend that masturbating was a right of passage and that him doing it out on the front veranda was behavioral. *pats self on back* for not losing it ;).
They drop of his medications every Friday in a blister pack (medications are in pop-out boxes for each day). Which I think is ridiculous and have told them several times it's not necessary but the PACT team insists on it. I guess they like it because when they visit they can see if patients/clients are taking their medications. Since my son doesn't get himself his meds, I do it, it's pointless. A waste of the pharmacists time and resources (and I think costs the government more money) and means every week someone has to come here on Friday instead of just giving me a months supply in a bottle. Anyways... Because I'm apparently not using the blister pack properly (haha) which means not starting the new pack on Friday when they bring it and instead using up the remainder of the previous blister pack, then his nurse couldn't understand what days medications he had missed. For clarification the blister packs have 7 days. Monday to Sunday. So I start a new one on Monday. Confusing right? His nurse thought so. So when I showed him that my son had missed taking his meds on Tuesday and Thursday, he decided that my son had missed 2 days in a row. Sometimes there is just no point in carrying on a conversation...
He did however set up an appointment for Michael's psychiatrist to come here the next day. I filled him. Let him know that even though I appreciate how his nurse is with Michael and that in that regard he is doing very good, that he doesn't take my concerns seriously or listen to me very well. His psychiatrist makes decisions based on the feedback from the other team members and when that feedback isn't relayed properly then I tend to get a bit upset. It's certainly not the first time I have dealt with this. His first nurse with PACT was bad for that too. She blamed almost everything on behavior. I asked his psychiatrist what to do when this happens. Call in and make an appointment with him.
We discussed medication options and decided to add back the Lithium. *shakes head* I have off and on been suggesting this since he was in the shelter in February. I asked for clarification on who I am thinking about my son's behaviors and if I was completely off track. It's a bit of both I guess. On one hand yes some things are behavioral and I can acknowledge that. Punching and kicking my door, behavioral. Insisting on smoking in his room, behavioral. Not knowing that it is inappropriate to masturbate in front of your mother or out in public because one can't see past the urge to do it, not so much. His psychiatrist agreed that this behavior is not normal even for him and he isn't doing it just to piss me off. The problem though is that upping medications will not necessarily correct this. Upping his Invega could cause the opposite affect of what we are looking for and make his negative symptoms worse. I can understand that. Adding the Lithium back should increase the effectiveness of his Invega and hopefully help with his negative symptoms. I think Lithium tends to act like an antidepressant with Michael whereas actual antidepressants do him no good. Why would they? In the bigger picture he is not depressed. He is experiencing negative symptoms which is different.
The Lithium was dropped off on Wednesday. Of course he missed his medications on Thursday due to alcohol. If anyone thinks that alcohol is harmless... Come see what I see. It's far from harmless for my son. It's keeping him unstable and robbing him of a future. Hopefully we have a 3 week break from it and I can work on getting him started on some sort of stability.
He has his days and nights mixed up again. I'm reminding him several times throughout the night to take his pills however he isn't taking them until morning and then sleeping. If it happens again tonight I think I may just let him miss them and try to start fresh tomorrow night.
As for the smoking in his room. It's a constant battle. Thursday night I found his whiskey bottle in his room. His psychiatrist agreed with me that Michael most likely has ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and sadly trying to discipline around and keep the appropriate boundaries is even more important due to the ODD. You let one slip and they all go. The mess he is making of his bedroom floor :(. They are shellacked and he throws his cigarettes on them when I walk into his room so I won't see it. Oh yes... According to him he is accidentally smoking in his room. Haha. Because you accidentally close your bedroom door, light an incense to cover up the smell and find something to use for an ashtray. Sometimes that is his garbage can with liquids thrown in it. I have removed his garbage can. He doesn't use it for actual garbage anyways. I have tapped a note to the top of the stairs that says 'no smoking, leave your smokes downstairs' and another one to his bedroom door. At least he can't pretend like he doesn't know the rule :).
The last day or so it's cigarettes... I have warned him and warned him that I'm quit and I'm not supplying him with cigarettes. He knew this when hubby took him to get cigarettes. He got 2 cartons which he now doesn't like. Where we go you can actually smoke in the store and you can try every kind of cigarette that they have to see if you like them. He tried them. I'm guessing he was more concerned with getting the cheaper ones so that he had money for alcohol. His choice. I also gave him the cigarettes that we had gotten for him from before which was another 4 packs. Yesterday he wanted me to buy him a couple of packs with the extra money he is giving me. He isn't giving me any money. Disability is sending me MY portion of his payments. I didn't respond to this comment at all. Then it was can he have a pack of hubby's. Hubby doesn't keep his cigarettes in the home anymore and he wasn't home yesterday. Kinda sad that we can't even keep our own things in our own home. Hubby is also quitting. We just got him patches too. So Michael I'm afraid is going to be shit out'a luck in the smoking department. The kicker though is that he does have cigarettes. He just doesn't like them.
So today is my day off! Yeah! I have to finish the laundry I started yesterday evening. I really need to clean the floors as Michael has spelt pretty much everything, everywhere. I need to wash his blankets too. Still haven't gotten him in the shower :(. He did have a bath on Monday night however that had more do with him liking being in the bathtub when he is drunk. God I hate alcohol!
I guess that wasn't a quick update after all. :)
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
I have a job! I think... They are back!
It feels like forever since I last blogged and it's only been a week. What a week. I think for the first time in years I can say that I'm glad it's Sunday! So unless you're my daughter, my husband or an emergency, chances are I will not be answering my phone today.
Hubby has been teasing me because I'm usually the one commenting that we go to bed too early and since Wednesday I have been asking him to come to bed anytime after 7. My insomnia certainly hasn't been an issue lately. ;) I've been exhausted. A good exhausted though.
I was put in touch with someone regarding a work from home opportunity. On June 29 I received a call asking if I was available for training that night. Yes! The job itself is fairly easy. It's pre-screening callers to see if they qualify. I had heard the term inside sales before however I wasn't sure exactly what it meant. Now I know. Well at least from this company's perspective. There have been a couple of bumpy spots as I try to learn the system and what is expected of me. Still not completely sure of what is expected of me time wise but that's ok. I still have tons of questions that haven't been answered. Hopefully in time the answers will come. As I learn more about how it works the more confident I feel doing the work. The reason I say I think I have a job is because it hasn't really been confirmed. I guess we could call this my probationary period.
For the past week I have been mentally all in, trying to learn the ropes. I think I'm getting the hang of it pretty good. I know that I can be a little slow getting started. Ask my old bosses! ;) However once I have something, you can usually count on me to carry through and go the extra mile. Tell me what you need and I will do my best to accommodate. If you don't tell me... Well I will give you what I think you need and hope for the best. Which is what I'm currently doing.
So yes bed looks and feels really good now! It feels good to go to bed tired. A good tired. Not like when I go to bed exhausted from butting heads, with no end in sight, with schizophrenia, addiction and all it entails. That exhaustion is grueling and wearing on the soul.
I'm afraid I have nothing good to report on my son. His Invega still has not been upped. His case worker dropped off his weekly medication pack on Friday stating that his nurse has not been in so nothing has been done. Awesome!
Tuesday he got his disability money. Of course that meant a trip to the liquor store for vodka. Hubby did take him to buy cigarettes first. He got 2 cartons. One of them is almost gone. He has missed taking his medications twice. Once he argued with me that he had taken them, that I had given him his medications twice that night. Wednesday he wouldn't take them because of the alcohol he had drank. Saying it would make him sick. I don't know if he still has alcohol left. He bought two bottles and so far I have only seen one bottle in the garbage. He hasn't been out to his 'secret spot' that I'm aware of for the past two days. I don't know if it's because he has forgotten or just doesn't want to. Or the ever present possibility that he has snuck it into his room.
I did give him back the internet however I let him know that it's dependent on me finding out that he is smoking in his room or not. I think he is a little bit however not like he was. I know this because I'm hearing him come in and out all hours of the night.
Yesterday he stressed me out. I was working and he was sitting out front. Our front porch is part of one of the court yards where all the kids play and hang out. I happened to look out... Thank goodness he was wrapped in a blanket but what he was doing was obvious. I quickly went out and stopped or interrupted him and told him to get inside. Of course his answer was no that he was done now. Thankfully there was no kids out there when I went out. I'm really hoping that there wasn't before hand. :( Yes I freaked a little bit. But only a little bit. I let him know that that was not acceptable and that there are children playing and if a parent or child sees him doing that that they can call the police for doing indecent acts in public. I sincerely hope that no one else saw. Mental illness or not I don't think that having schizophrenia excuses that type of behavior and honestly I think his drinking is contributing to this behavior more then psychosis.
Speaking of that. Lately that is another thing that he has been trying to do. Blame schizophrenia. I have schizophrenia so it's not my fault that I'm smoking in my room. It's schizophrenia's fault that I kicked your bedroom door. Take me for a ride as it would really help my psychosis... Even he couldn't keep a straight face for long when I responded with: Good one.
It seems he kicked my bedroom door when I thought he punched it the second time. No memory lapses here. He remembers, just feels justified in doing it. Gucci our poor cat is now freaked out by him. She totally freaked when he did this. I have never seen her act like that. She hid behind the sofa for most of the night that night. Now even if she is relaxing on my bed with me and she hears him on the steps, she tenses and is ready to flee. She won't eat if he is around. I have noticed that she isn't sleeping with me the same. A couple of times I have found her sleeping on my chair downstairs which is new. Perhaps she feels trapped upstairs when he is up there.
The fruit flies are back! Yippee! I haven't been in my son's room much over the past week. After I cleaned it the last time I have pretty much avoided it. I know he is making a mess in there and honestly I just couldn't have cared a less. It seems pointless sometimes to even try and keep it neat or clean. I should have clued in after the last time. But no... I have been noticing them coming back and shaking my head as to why no matter how much I'm keeping the kitchen clean they are still there and in the living room. Last night Michael asked me to scratch his back so I went into his room and moved his garbage can. Yup you guessed it. Fruit flies.
I guess I have some caregiver chores to do today. Hubby had to work today so I'm just enjoying my quiet morning and my Facebook games. Once my son gets up I will 'try' to get him to help me clean his room. Even if that only means him holding the garbage bag ;). I still haven't gotten him in the shower so today is shower day for both of us since I need one too. I noticed my armpits... hmmm yeah. They never smell. I guess I have been stressing while learning this job more then I thought.
Time for a fresh cup of coffee. Oh yeah. I'm still quit smoking! There was a couple of iffy moments over the past week where I really wanted one but I didn't. I think this job is helping some. It's not part of my routine to smoke while doing it which seems to be helping. Hours will pass where I don't even think about it. When the urge hits I do have nicotine lozenges.
I hope everyone here in Canada enjoyed their July 1st, Canada Day celebrations and that our neighbors to the south in the US enjoyed their July 4th, Independence Day celebrations.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Hubby has been teasing me because I'm usually the one commenting that we go to bed too early and since Wednesday I have been asking him to come to bed anytime after 7. My insomnia certainly hasn't been an issue lately. ;) I've been exhausted. A good exhausted though.
I was put in touch with someone regarding a work from home opportunity. On June 29 I received a call asking if I was available for training that night. Yes! The job itself is fairly easy. It's pre-screening callers to see if they qualify. I had heard the term inside sales before however I wasn't sure exactly what it meant. Now I know. Well at least from this company's perspective. There have been a couple of bumpy spots as I try to learn the system and what is expected of me. Still not completely sure of what is expected of me time wise but that's ok. I still have tons of questions that haven't been answered. Hopefully in time the answers will come. As I learn more about how it works the more confident I feel doing the work. The reason I say I think I have a job is because it hasn't really been confirmed. I guess we could call this my probationary period.
For the past week I have been mentally all in, trying to learn the ropes. I think I'm getting the hang of it pretty good. I know that I can be a little slow getting started. Ask my old bosses! ;) However once I have something, you can usually count on me to carry through and go the extra mile. Tell me what you need and I will do my best to accommodate. If you don't tell me... Well I will give you what I think you need and hope for the best. Which is what I'm currently doing.
So yes bed looks and feels really good now! It feels good to go to bed tired. A good tired. Not like when I go to bed exhausted from butting heads, with no end in sight, with schizophrenia, addiction and all it entails. That exhaustion is grueling and wearing on the soul.
I'm afraid I have nothing good to report on my son. His Invega still has not been upped. His case worker dropped off his weekly medication pack on Friday stating that his nurse has not been in so nothing has been done. Awesome!
Tuesday he got his disability money. Of course that meant a trip to the liquor store for vodka. Hubby did take him to buy cigarettes first. He got 2 cartons. One of them is almost gone. He has missed taking his medications twice. Once he argued with me that he had taken them, that I had given him his medications twice that night. Wednesday he wouldn't take them because of the alcohol he had drank. Saying it would make him sick. I don't know if he still has alcohol left. He bought two bottles and so far I have only seen one bottle in the garbage. He hasn't been out to his 'secret spot' that I'm aware of for the past two days. I don't know if it's because he has forgotten or just doesn't want to. Or the ever present possibility that he has snuck it into his room.
I did give him back the internet however I let him know that it's dependent on me finding out that he is smoking in his room or not. I think he is a little bit however not like he was. I know this because I'm hearing him come in and out all hours of the night.
Yesterday he stressed me out. I was working and he was sitting out front. Our front porch is part of one of the court yards where all the kids play and hang out. I happened to look out... Thank goodness he was wrapped in a blanket but what he was doing was obvious. I quickly went out and stopped or interrupted him and told him to get inside. Of course his answer was no that he was done now. Thankfully there was no kids out there when I went out. I'm really hoping that there wasn't before hand. :( Yes I freaked a little bit. But only a little bit. I let him know that that was not acceptable and that there are children playing and if a parent or child sees him doing that that they can call the police for doing indecent acts in public. I sincerely hope that no one else saw. Mental illness or not I don't think that having schizophrenia excuses that type of behavior and honestly I think his drinking is contributing to this behavior more then psychosis.
Speaking of that. Lately that is another thing that he has been trying to do. Blame schizophrenia. I have schizophrenia so it's not my fault that I'm smoking in my room. It's schizophrenia's fault that I kicked your bedroom door. Take me for a ride as it would really help my psychosis... Even he couldn't keep a straight face for long when I responded with: Good one.
It seems he kicked my bedroom door when I thought he punched it the second time. No memory lapses here. He remembers, just feels justified in doing it. Gucci our poor cat is now freaked out by him. She totally freaked when he did this. I have never seen her act like that. She hid behind the sofa for most of the night that night. Now even if she is relaxing on my bed with me and she hears him on the steps, she tenses and is ready to flee. She won't eat if he is around. I have noticed that she isn't sleeping with me the same. A couple of times I have found her sleeping on my chair downstairs which is new. Perhaps she feels trapped upstairs when he is up there.
The fruit flies are back! Yippee! I haven't been in my son's room much over the past week. After I cleaned it the last time I have pretty much avoided it. I know he is making a mess in there and honestly I just couldn't have cared a less. It seems pointless sometimes to even try and keep it neat or clean. I should have clued in after the last time. But no... I have been noticing them coming back and shaking my head as to why no matter how much I'm keeping the kitchen clean they are still there and in the living room. Last night Michael asked me to scratch his back so I went into his room and moved his garbage can. Yup you guessed it. Fruit flies.
I guess I have some caregiver chores to do today. Hubby had to work today so I'm just enjoying my quiet morning and my Facebook games. Once my son gets up I will 'try' to get him to help me clean his room. Even if that only means him holding the garbage bag ;). I still haven't gotten him in the shower so today is shower day for both of us since I need one too. I noticed my armpits... hmmm yeah. They never smell. I guess I have been stressing while learning this job more then I thought.
Time for a fresh cup of coffee. Oh yeah. I'm still quit smoking! There was a couple of iffy moments over the past week where I really wanted one but I didn't. I think this job is helping some. It's not part of my routine to smoke while doing it which seems to be helping. Hours will pass where I don't even think about it. When the urge hits I do have nicotine lozenges.
I hope everyone here in Canada enjoyed their July 1st, Canada Day celebrations and that our neighbors to the south in the US enjoyed their July 4th, Independence Day celebrations.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, May 8, 2015
Latuda Roller Coaster
It's been a bit of an interesting week. When my son's case worker stopped by on Monday to drop off his medications for the week and check in, I told her that what I have been seeing is different. I didn't know how to explain different... Just that I wasn't sure that I liked what I was seeing. The Latuda seemed to be helping however in some ways it wasn't.
He went from Friday to Tuesday barely eating. Even though he was going to bed he wasn't sleeping good and he wasn't napping during the day either.
Monday evening he randomly hugged me... Good sign right?
Tuesday he asked for the internet back. I asked him if he remembered the things that he had said to me and he replied that he remembered all of it. I asked if he still felt justified in saying what he did. Yes err no... He was upset. Ok I can understand that. I let him know that threatening me was illegal and reminded him that he had threatened to hurt me. He told me that he would never hurt me. Didn't I know that? That's the crutch isn't it? My son, Michael, would never hurt me. Psychosis and alcohol on the other hand is a different story. I gave him back the internet, not that he has used it, and told him that we really need to work on his anger issues.
We talked about his tobacco use. He told me that I had agreed that if he bought one tube of tobacco that I would buy him two. Ok we need to get to the bottom of where these misconceptions are coming from. When did I say that? I didn't but another time I told him that if he bought one carton of cigarettes then I would buy him two cartons. Yes I did do this once because he had spent his money on furniture for his room. Grrr... It does get irritating that whenever I do something nice that it gets turned into something like this. So I made it clear that I would get him some tobacco like I said I would but not two tubes and next month I don't plan on helping with this again.
I talked to his worker at disability and let her know that they are still deducting $40 from his payments due to the supposed over payment of him collecting disability from two provinces at once. This should be fixed for next payment so that they are only deducting $10. The drug cards finally got faxed over to the pharmacy that is supplying his medications and starting next month they should be mailing them to me.
I also tried to address the alcohol... It's not helping him. It's depressing him and triggering anger. He is not a happy drunk when he drinks now. It's seriously impairing him and his functionality. Off he went to the liquor store anyways...
I know he thinks I'm being hard on him however I can't continue to support his drinking and we are not spending more money on his tobacco then we do our own. We shouldn't have to. Hubby has been talking about quitting again. Maybe we should. It's harder to tell my son no when we are smoking.
Wednesday morning he started drinking at 9 AM. I didn't say anything... thought I guess I should be happy that he didn't drink it all the day before. Sad isn't it when that is what I'm left with... Back to the different that I noted at the beginning of this post. I haven't had much experience in seeing my son actively hallucinate. Things don't usually get that far here. I asked my son if he was hallucinating and he said no. Now my bad here because really I'm asking someone who is seeing what they see as being just as real as everything I see and expecting him to know the different ;) I notice by Wednesday afternoon that he was acting odd even for him. It was like he was pushing stuff away from him and it almost looked like bouncing a ball or something... Things I couldn't see.
Yesterday was a bit of a roller coaster for him. Early afternoon he was making noises that I couldn't at first tell if it was crying or laughing. However the look on his face was one of pain. At the same time he was having issues with his privates. I'm guessing tactile hallucinations. Several times I asked him if he was ok and if he was crying. He said no however at one point he told me to leave him alone and stop looking at him while he was crying. He didn't want me touching him and he couldn't tell me why he was crying just that he was. I asked if it was ok if I called PACT and talked to his nurse about the Latuda that his dose is too high. He said yes.
I called and of course his nurse wasn't in, his case worker wasn't available and the other nurses were all in a meeting but I could leave a message. I did. They haven't called me back yet.
The off and on crying and issues with his privates continued for about an hour. I was on the verge of putting us in a cab and going to emergency. I asked him if he was having thoughts of hurting himself and he said that he wasn't. I asked that if he did that he let me know right away. Finally it stopped and he said that he was feeling better. I was coloring and he joined me. Then it started again however not as bad as before and was shorter. Then he was very happy. I think perhaps a bit manic based on the continual smile. I could see that he was hallucinating again. That had me concerned for a bit as he was doing air punches or interacting with his hallucinations, I'm not sure, but too close to me so I asked him not to do that around me. Thankfully this didn't last long.
Since PACT didn't call me back, I looked it up and his Latuda pills can be cut in half. Latuda is supposed to be taken with food. Not snacks but an actual meal. Given that he hasn't been eating that has been a tough one and he wanted to take it at night with his Invega. I think between the too high dose and not taking it with food that it has been hitting him too hard. Latuda can cause mania as far as I know. I know it's not supposed to be sedating which means it can be activating. Since he has been taking it before bed I think it's been interfering with his sleep as Wednesday night he did take two Melatonin and still didn't sleep good.
So I have cut his dose from 80 mg to 40 mg and gave it to him with dinner last night. The up side to the mini manic phase seems to be that he ate dinner fairly good. He didn't eat all of it but he did eat his chicken and salad so an ok base for the Latuda.
He still hasn't showered however he has been in the bath the last two nights. While it may sound like a good thing... When he is experiencing symptoms or tactile hallucinations he seems to like the sensation of being in the tube so it's not really a good sign when he wants to have a bath every day. Last night I went into the bathroom and took out his dirty socks, underwear and shirt and put out clean ones so that he had no choice but to but on clean ones.
Around 9:30 last night I went into his room and had him take his Invega and two Melatonin. He slept although not as deep as I would like. He got up today at 8:30 AM. Not bad actually as he has been getting up with me and hubby around 5 for the past week. I had debating not giving him any Latuda last night however if I did that I ran the risk of him not taking it again as he has done this with several medications in the past. Just because 80 mg is too much I don't want to not give this medication a chance. He needs the antipsychotic right now.
I called PACT and left another message letting them know I cut the dose. Hopefully today I will see a reduction in what I was seeing yesterday. Probably not though as he appeared to be hallucinating a little while ago and is now off to the liquor store again...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
He went from Friday to Tuesday barely eating. Even though he was going to bed he wasn't sleeping good and he wasn't napping during the day either.
Monday evening he randomly hugged me... Good sign right?
Tuesday he asked for the internet back. I asked him if he remembered the things that he had said to me and he replied that he remembered all of it. I asked if he still felt justified in saying what he did. Yes err no... He was upset. Ok I can understand that. I let him know that threatening me was illegal and reminded him that he had threatened to hurt me. He told me that he would never hurt me. Didn't I know that? That's the crutch isn't it? My son, Michael, would never hurt me. Psychosis and alcohol on the other hand is a different story. I gave him back the internet, not that he has used it, and told him that we really need to work on his anger issues.
We talked about his tobacco use. He told me that I had agreed that if he bought one tube of tobacco that I would buy him two. Ok we need to get to the bottom of where these misconceptions are coming from. When did I say that? I didn't but another time I told him that if he bought one carton of cigarettes then I would buy him two cartons. Yes I did do this once because he had spent his money on furniture for his room. Grrr... It does get irritating that whenever I do something nice that it gets turned into something like this. So I made it clear that I would get him some tobacco like I said I would but not two tubes and next month I don't plan on helping with this again.
I talked to his worker at disability and let her know that they are still deducting $40 from his payments due to the supposed over payment of him collecting disability from two provinces at once. This should be fixed for next payment so that they are only deducting $10. The drug cards finally got faxed over to the pharmacy that is supplying his medications and starting next month they should be mailing them to me.
I also tried to address the alcohol... It's not helping him. It's depressing him and triggering anger. He is not a happy drunk when he drinks now. It's seriously impairing him and his functionality. Off he went to the liquor store anyways...
I know he thinks I'm being hard on him however I can't continue to support his drinking and we are not spending more money on his tobacco then we do our own. We shouldn't have to. Hubby has been talking about quitting again. Maybe we should. It's harder to tell my son no when we are smoking.
Wednesday morning he started drinking at 9 AM. I didn't say anything... thought I guess I should be happy that he didn't drink it all the day before. Sad isn't it when that is what I'm left with... Back to the different that I noted at the beginning of this post. I haven't had much experience in seeing my son actively hallucinate. Things don't usually get that far here. I asked my son if he was hallucinating and he said no. Now my bad here because really I'm asking someone who is seeing what they see as being just as real as everything I see and expecting him to know the different ;) I notice by Wednesday afternoon that he was acting odd even for him. It was like he was pushing stuff away from him and it almost looked like bouncing a ball or something... Things I couldn't see.
Yesterday was a bit of a roller coaster for him. Early afternoon he was making noises that I couldn't at first tell if it was crying or laughing. However the look on his face was one of pain. At the same time he was having issues with his privates. I'm guessing tactile hallucinations. Several times I asked him if he was ok and if he was crying. He said no however at one point he told me to leave him alone and stop looking at him while he was crying. He didn't want me touching him and he couldn't tell me why he was crying just that he was. I asked if it was ok if I called PACT and talked to his nurse about the Latuda that his dose is too high. He said yes.
I called and of course his nurse wasn't in, his case worker wasn't available and the other nurses were all in a meeting but I could leave a message. I did. They haven't called me back yet.
The off and on crying and issues with his privates continued for about an hour. I was on the verge of putting us in a cab and going to emergency. I asked him if he was having thoughts of hurting himself and he said that he wasn't. I asked that if he did that he let me know right away. Finally it stopped and he said that he was feeling better. I was coloring and he joined me. Then it started again however not as bad as before and was shorter. Then he was very happy. I think perhaps a bit manic based on the continual smile. I could see that he was hallucinating again. That had me concerned for a bit as he was doing air punches or interacting with his hallucinations, I'm not sure, but too close to me so I asked him not to do that around me. Thankfully this didn't last long.
Since PACT didn't call me back, I looked it up and his Latuda pills can be cut in half. Latuda is supposed to be taken with food. Not snacks but an actual meal. Given that he hasn't been eating that has been a tough one and he wanted to take it at night with his Invega. I think between the too high dose and not taking it with food that it has been hitting him too hard. Latuda can cause mania as far as I know. I know it's not supposed to be sedating which means it can be activating. Since he has been taking it before bed I think it's been interfering with his sleep as Wednesday night he did take two Melatonin and still didn't sleep good.
So I have cut his dose from 80 mg to 40 mg and gave it to him with dinner last night. The up side to the mini manic phase seems to be that he ate dinner fairly good. He didn't eat all of it but he did eat his chicken and salad so an ok base for the Latuda.
He still hasn't showered however he has been in the bath the last two nights. While it may sound like a good thing... When he is experiencing symptoms or tactile hallucinations he seems to like the sensation of being in the tube so it's not really a good sign when he wants to have a bath every day. Last night I went into the bathroom and took out his dirty socks, underwear and shirt and put out clean ones so that he had no choice but to but on clean ones.
Around 9:30 last night I went into his room and had him take his Invega and two Melatonin. He slept although not as deep as I would like. He got up today at 8:30 AM. Not bad actually as he has been getting up with me and hubby around 5 for the past week. I had debating not giving him any Latuda last night however if I did that I ran the risk of him not taking it again as he has done this with several medications in the past. Just because 80 mg is too much I don't want to not give this medication a chance. He needs the antipsychotic right now.
I called PACT and left another message letting them know I cut the dose. Hopefully today I will see a reduction in what I was seeing yesterday. Probably not though as he appeared to be hallucinating a little while ago and is now off to the liquor store again...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Monday, May 4, 2015
Aspirin for arthritis and fruit-flies.
I don't recall what day I found a bunch of these aspirin in my son's coat. I had no idea what they were until I showed them to my hubby and he grabbed his bottle of aspirin from the top of the fridge. They are over the counter but they are long acting that our doctor recommended he take daily to ward off the headaches he gets. Feeling relief that that was all they were I didn't think anything else of it. Friday I was cleaning the floor in my son's room and while moving around his make-shift coffee table I heard what I immediately figured was a bottle of vodka that he managed to get in the house and hide under the table. It was a bowl with crushed up white stuff and a rolled up piece of paper for snorting it.
My son received his disability money on Thursday. That day he got his vodka... I didn't say anything except to remind him that it doesn't come onto our property. He sat outside our gate and drank it. When hubby got off work we went to our chiropractor, to the bank and to a store for my son to buy tobacco since he has decided to roll cigarettes. He wasn't happy that it cost him $40 for his tub of tobacco. That night I gave him an Olanzapine with his Invega and he took it.
Friday had the makings of a bad day. He was outside drinking another bottle of vodka and hmmm, I'm really going to have to write down the name of the other bottle he gets, when I found the bowl in his room. I went out to ask him what it was. He told me aspirin.
I was somewhat impressed with myself as I didn't get mad or even upset. I was kind of amused as honestly what could you possible get out of snorting aspirin? I'm not even sure when the conversation took the negative turn that it did but it did. He told me that he was better then me. I replied that he wasn't better then me. Next thing I'm being called a bitch and a fat whore numerous times along with other swear words. I did my best to keep it light. Told him that no matter what he called me I was still going to love him and seriously look at me... Do I look like a fat whore? Apparently yes...
I was just thinking to meet this hate with love... I told him again that I loved him. He said prove it. I replied that I was still here and I knelt down. I was 3 feet away from him and I didn't get any closer. At this point I got told to get out of his face or he was going to smack me and knock me out. He said he wasn't threatening me... I again told him I loved him and walked away. Left him sitting out there, in the dirt, surrounded by 3 bottles (one from the day before) and cigarette butts. We were also back to the "I pay the rent around here and this is 35% my property."
I came inside and called PACT and talked to his new nurse. I think I was looking for some sort of assurance, not that I got any... If I felt unsafe... A year ago I didn't know what he was capable of. Although he is not in active psychosis right now. He is experiencing symptoms yes however he is aware of what he is saying. He is relatively stable. I was seeing an angry drunk... Really nothing new there as I have been seeing that all my life and sadly he does have it in his genes.
Perhaps not the best choice however one boundary I refuse to budge on is the consequences to swearing at me. I disconnected the internet. Went back to the cleaning I was doing. He comes downstairs and asks when he is going to get the internet back. Some how he has morphed what was said into me telling him that he wasn't better. Period. So therefor he was justified in talking to me the way that he did. I told him I wasn't going to discuss it right now. Another flood of name calling and swearing that ended with "Cook my dinner bitch."
I ignored him and went about my cleaning. I think he passed out for a bit...
Since then his defiance has been in high gear. About pretty much anything and everything. Friday his case worker dropped off his Latuda. He has been prescribed 80 mg. Apparently he was prescribed 60 mg however disability doesn't cover this dosage. Ridiculous isn't it? I think disability only recently started covering this medication. So his psychiatrist changed it to 80 as I think that may be the dose he was looking at eventually anyways. Average dosages seems to be between 40 and 160.
His nurse called on Saturday to check in and see if he took his Latuda. As far as I can tell he has been taking it. Since his defiance is in high gear he won't take his medications if he's alert and I'm watching him.
Hubby and I went grocery shopping without him on Saturday. He wasn't up when we left and honestly I'm not rewarding his behavior or attitude. We did bring him back a coffee since we had gotten ourselves one. He asked why I didn't get him up to go? Do you remember what you said to me yesterday? Yes... Well I'm not rewarding that. You got me a coffee. Yes, just because I'm not rewarding you doesn't mean I'm going to be rude either. Do you want the coffee? Give it to me... I started to walk in the house with it and told him he isn't going to get it by talking to me like that. He asked for it nicely so I gave it to him.
I had picked up some coloring books, crayons, pencil crayons and markers while shopping. A Thor book for him and two other ones for me. For a bit he colored in the Thor one. One of the ones I got is Care Bears. I used to love them when I was a kid :)
Remember the camping... He brings it up wanting to go... I told him not this weekend and we don't have money for it right now anyways. He says that I promised this month. No I didn't. I said I would look into it for this month. Well isn't saying it the same as promising? My son knows the difference in that very well as he usually won't promise anything. I just replied that no it wasn't the same and asked if he wanted to make everything into an argument? I think that he does...
I'm not sure why not however he hasn't been to the liquor store since Friday. He does still have enough money left for probably two trips of his usual. The next thing was asking me to take him to the grocery store for treats. I agreed to take him however he was paying for it. Well it's my job to feed him three meals a day and I'm not doing it so he is going to call his Nana and tell her I'm not buying him groceries... Our kitchen is quit full of food since we spend over $1200 a month on groceries. He made his phone call... We took him to the grocery store. He didn't get anything. I offered to take him to the dollar store as he can load up on treats there for cheap. He said no that he had better things to spend his money on like alcohol.
Again I will have to say how impressed I have been with hubby. I know he has a hard time dealing with seeing my son act like this however he is slowly seeing most of it for what it is. My son is having temper tantrums like a child except he is doing it with a 21 year old vocabulary and in a man's body which can be concerning when alcohol is added to the mix. Even my hubby has started getting stuff for my son when we are grocery shopping and he is not with us. Michael likes these...
In between all this my son is giving me a hard time about doing anything that I ask him to do. I have jars for the beef jerky that I make. Friday night I had one of them out and my son brought out the other two along with other snacks. Asking him to put this stuff away the next day... Yah that was fun. Well one of them was mine so therefore he shouldn't have to pick it up. I put mine away. He refused to put the other two away. Finally a day later I did...
Yesterday it was grapes that he took out. I asked if he was done with them could he put them away. He wasn't done with them yet... He did finally put them away and of course as is usual for my son he has to do these things when I'm in the kitchen in the middle of doing something. No excuse me's or anything... He pays the rent ;) You can see it in the way that he is walking around here and how he is looking at us. Pure defiance. We have been trying our best to ignore it and not give it any attention.
We have fruit-flies. I have been noticing them for a couple of days now. I have been trying to disinfect the kitchen and figure out where they are coming from. Yesterday I went around emptying all the garbages just in case. At least 30 of them came out of my son's garbage in his room when I grabbed it. Great! It's all the sweats and treats that he doesn't have ;) He has a big bag full of assorted treats in his room and his garbage was full of ice cream wrappers etc. I sprayed stuff down with Febreze but I'm going to have to get some Lysol I guess...
The last time he had a bath was on April 23. Before that it was awhile as I had asked him to make sure he cleans the tub afterwards because he does private stuff while in the tub and I didn't want to be bathing in it myself. Yesterday I tried to motivate him into a shower. Hubby and I had to go get cigarettes and I said he could come with us for the car ride however I wanted him to have a shower first as it's been awhile. He didn't have the energy and would have one later. This never happens when he says this. I said we would wait for him to get up the energy to have one so that he could go with us. I had an errand to run so we went to do that to give my son time and we brought him back a coffee. He decided not to come...
Hubby and I had a nice drive. We need that one on one time to just be a couple.
We came back and I spent time in the backyard with my son. Not saying much because right now it doesn't seem to matter what I say to him he will respond in the negative. So I colored. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm a mom and I have experience with kids having temper tantrums and using negative tactics to get attention. My son has never done this... I could feel him watching/looking at me. He put both his legs on the table and started rocking them. The whole table was rocking along with everything on it. He is just looking at me... I ignored him and kept coloring. Eventually he stopped ;)
He stopped taking Melatonin, again, when he started the Latuda. So even though we have the new antipsychotic on board he is still not sleeping good because he isn't taking anything to help him sleep. Latuda is not sedating. Last night when I checked on him around 1:30, he had taken the Melatonin and not his Invega or Latuda. Just breathe right... I woke him up to take them. Of course asking very nicely so that I don't trigger his ODD defiance any further. This morning he was up before 5...
What woke me up was my son asking my hubby for a pack of cigarettes. Now I haven't rolled cigarettes since my kids were small... So I Googled it ;) On Thursday he bought 100 grams of tobacco which should roll around a carton or 200 cigarettes. It's been 3 days and he has gone through 3/4 of it. He is now out of tubes. He said he had around 180 tubes when he got the tobacco so it seems to fit. He also has partial packs of two other kinds of cigarettes and yesterday was smoking my hubby's. I got attitude for asking him not to just take my hubby's cigarettes as he was without asking.
I know this post is getting long winded. So many thoughts in my head... I put hubby's cigarettes away because I know my son will just take them when he wants and we can't afford this. My son probably has more money in his bank account right now then hubby and I do put together. I'm trying really hard not to go further into dept. Because of my son snorting the aspirin I have now put away anything that can be crushed up and snorted... It makes me think of all the times in the past that I have fallen for the mindset of how hard-done-by my son was however I also know how hard it can be to keep things for other people when my son thinks that he is entitled to anything that he wants.
Wouldn't it be nice if someone I trusted could walk in and tell me what to do? Notice I added the trusted part. ;) I'm sure I could get lots of advise however depending on who gave it to me I wouldn't trust it... We need more money coming in to cover our expenses and our dept. The thought of leaving my home unattended and open to whatever my son sees fit to do with or in it while I'm at work... Seriously nothing would be safe from addiction or schizophrenia.
Oh well...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
My son received his disability money on Thursday. That day he got his vodka... I didn't say anything except to remind him that it doesn't come onto our property. He sat outside our gate and drank it. When hubby got off work we went to our chiropractor, to the bank and to a store for my son to buy tobacco since he has decided to roll cigarettes. He wasn't happy that it cost him $40 for his tub of tobacco. That night I gave him an Olanzapine with his Invega and he took it.
Friday had the makings of a bad day. He was outside drinking another bottle of vodka and hmmm, I'm really going to have to write down the name of the other bottle he gets, when I found the bowl in his room. I went out to ask him what it was. He told me aspirin.
I was somewhat impressed with myself as I didn't get mad or even upset. I was kind of amused as honestly what could you possible get out of snorting aspirin? I'm not even sure when the conversation took the negative turn that it did but it did. He told me that he was better then me. I replied that he wasn't better then me. Next thing I'm being called a bitch and a fat whore numerous times along with other swear words. I did my best to keep it light. Told him that no matter what he called me I was still going to love him and seriously look at me... Do I look like a fat whore? Apparently yes...
I was just thinking to meet this hate with love... I told him again that I loved him. He said prove it. I replied that I was still here and I knelt down. I was 3 feet away from him and I didn't get any closer. At this point I got told to get out of his face or he was going to smack me and knock me out. He said he wasn't threatening me... I again told him I loved him and walked away. Left him sitting out there, in the dirt, surrounded by 3 bottles (one from the day before) and cigarette butts. We were also back to the "I pay the rent around here and this is 35% my property."
I came inside and called PACT and talked to his new nurse. I think I was looking for some sort of assurance, not that I got any... If I felt unsafe... A year ago I didn't know what he was capable of. Although he is not in active psychosis right now. He is experiencing symptoms yes however he is aware of what he is saying. He is relatively stable. I was seeing an angry drunk... Really nothing new there as I have been seeing that all my life and sadly he does have it in his genes.
Perhaps not the best choice however one boundary I refuse to budge on is the consequences to swearing at me. I disconnected the internet. Went back to the cleaning I was doing. He comes downstairs and asks when he is going to get the internet back. Some how he has morphed what was said into me telling him that he wasn't better. Period. So therefor he was justified in talking to me the way that he did. I told him I wasn't going to discuss it right now. Another flood of name calling and swearing that ended with "Cook my dinner bitch."
I ignored him and went about my cleaning. I think he passed out for a bit...
Since then his defiance has been in high gear. About pretty much anything and everything. Friday his case worker dropped off his Latuda. He has been prescribed 80 mg. Apparently he was prescribed 60 mg however disability doesn't cover this dosage. Ridiculous isn't it? I think disability only recently started covering this medication. So his psychiatrist changed it to 80 as I think that may be the dose he was looking at eventually anyways. Average dosages seems to be between 40 and 160.
His nurse called on Saturday to check in and see if he took his Latuda. As far as I can tell he has been taking it. Since his defiance is in high gear he won't take his medications if he's alert and I'm watching him.
Hubby and I went grocery shopping without him on Saturday. He wasn't up when we left and honestly I'm not rewarding his behavior or attitude. We did bring him back a coffee since we had gotten ourselves one. He asked why I didn't get him up to go? Do you remember what you said to me yesterday? Yes... Well I'm not rewarding that. You got me a coffee. Yes, just because I'm not rewarding you doesn't mean I'm going to be rude either. Do you want the coffee? Give it to me... I started to walk in the house with it and told him he isn't going to get it by talking to me like that. He asked for it nicely so I gave it to him.
I had picked up some coloring books, crayons, pencil crayons and markers while shopping. A Thor book for him and two other ones for me. For a bit he colored in the Thor one. One of the ones I got is Care Bears. I used to love them when I was a kid :)
Remember the camping... He brings it up wanting to go... I told him not this weekend and we don't have money for it right now anyways. He says that I promised this month. No I didn't. I said I would look into it for this month. Well isn't saying it the same as promising? My son knows the difference in that very well as he usually won't promise anything. I just replied that no it wasn't the same and asked if he wanted to make everything into an argument? I think that he does...
I'm not sure why not however he hasn't been to the liquor store since Friday. He does still have enough money left for probably two trips of his usual. The next thing was asking me to take him to the grocery store for treats. I agreed to take him however he was paying for it. Well it's my job to feed him three meals a day and I'm not doing it so he is going to call his Nana and tell her I'm not buying him groceries... Our kitchen is quit full of food since we spend over $1200 a month on groceries. He made his phone call... We took him to the grocery store. He didn't get anything. I offered to take him to the dollar store as he can load up on treats there for cheap. He said no that he had better things to spend his money on like alcohol.
Again I will have to say how impressed I have been with hubby. I know he has a hard time dealing with seeing my son act like this however he is slowly seeing most of it for what it is. My son is having temper tantrums like a child except he is doing it with a 21 year old vocabulary and in a man's body which can be concerning when alcohol is added to the mix. Even my hubby has started getting stuff for my son when we are grocery shopping and he is not with us. Michael likes these...
In between all this my son is giving me a hard time about doing anything that I ask him to do. I have jars for the beef jerky that I make. Friday night I had one of them out and my son brought out the other two along with other snacks. Asking him to put this stuff away the next day... Yah that was fun. Well one of them was mine so therefore he shouldn't have to pick it up. I put mine away. He refused to put the other two away. Finally a day later I did...
Yesterday it was grapes that he took out. I asked if he was done with them could he put them away. He wasn't done with them yet... He did finally put them away and of course as is usual for my son he has to do these things when I'm in the kitchen in the middle of doing something. No excuse me's or anything... He pays the rent ;) You can see it in the way that he is walking around here and how he is looking at us. Pure defiance. We have been trying our best to ignore it and not give it any attention.
We have fruit-flies. I have been noticing them for a couple of days now. I have been trying to disinfect the kitchen and figure out where they are coming from. Yesterday I went around emptying all the garbages just in case. At least 30 of them came out of my son's garbage in his room when I grabbed it. Great! It's all the sweats and treats that he doesn't have ;) He has a big bag full of assorted treats in his room and his garbage was full of ice cream wrappers etc. I sprayed stuff down with Febreze but I'm going to have to get some Lysol I guess...
The last time he had a bath was on April 23. Before that it was awhile as I had asked him to make sure he cleans the tub afterwards because he does private stuff while in the tub and I didn't want to be bathing in it myself. Yesterday I tried to motivate him into a shower. Hubby and I had to go get cigarettes and I said he could come with us for the car ride however I wanted him to have a shower first as it's been awhile. He didn't have the energy and would have one later. This never happens when he says this. I said we would wait for him to get up the energy to have one so that he could go with us. I had an errand to run so we went to do that to give my son time and we brought him back a coffee. He decided not to come...
Hubby and I had a nice drive. We need that one on one time to just be a couple.
We came back and I spent time in the backyard with my son. Not saying much because right now it doesn't seem to matter what I say to him he will respond in the negative. So I colored. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm a mom and I have experience with kids having temper tantrums and using negative tactics to get attention. My son has never done this... I could feel him watching/looking at me. He put both his legs on the table and started rocking them. The whole table was rocking along with everything on it. He is just looking at me... I ignored him and kept coloring. Eventually he stopped ;)
He stopped taking Melatonin, again, when he started the Latuda. So even though we have the new antipsychotic on board he is still not sleeping good because he isn't taking anything to help him sleep. Latuda is not sedating. Last night when I checked on him around 1:30, he had taken the Melatonin and not his Invega or Latuda. Just breathe right... I woke him up to take them. Of course asking very nicely so that I don't trigger his ODD defiance any further. This morning he was up before 5...
What woke me up was my son asking my hubby for a pack of cigarettes. Now I haven't rolled cigarettes since my kids were small... So I Googled it ;) On Thursday he bought 100 grams of tobacco which should roll around a carton or 200 cigarettes. It's been 3 days and he has gone through 3/4 of it. He is now out of tubes. He said he had around 180 tubes when he got the tobacco so it seems to fit. He also has partial packs of two other kinds of cigarettes and yesterday was smoking my hubby's. I got attitude for asking him not to just take my hubby's cigarettes as he was without asking.
I know this post is getting long winded. So many thoughts in my head... I put hubby's cigarettes away because I know my son will just take them when he wants and we can't afford this. My son probably has more money in his bank account right now then hubby and I do put together. I'm trying really hard not to go further into dept. Because of my son snorting the aspirin I have now put away anything that can be crushed up and snorted... It makes me think of all the times in the past that I have fallen for the mindset of how hard-done-by my son was however I also know how hard it can be to keep things for other people when my son thinks that he is entitled to anything that he wants.
Wouldn't it be nice if someone I trusted could walk in and tell me what to do? Notice I added the trusted part. ;) I'm sure I could get lots of advise however depending on who gave it to me I wouldn't trust it... We need more money coming in to cover our expenses and our dept. The thought of leaving my home unattended and open to whatever my son sees fit to do with or in it while I'm at work... Seriously nothing would be safe from addiction or schizophrenia.
Oh well...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
What a conundrum he is.
Conundrum, riddle or puzzle... Yes that is my son at the moment.
He didn't sleep much the night before last so I wasn't sure if he was going to be able to get up when his psychiatrist showed up yesterday morning. We spoke for a bit before I got my son up. I gave him a quick overview, advised him how to get a more accurate response regarding voices/entities and discussed my concerns about upping the Invega and what our options were.
Then I got my son up. He seemed to respond better with the psychiatrist then with the new nurse and was more alert. My son has known this psychiatrist for awhile now and seems to like him so that probably helped. As I advised his psychiatrist asked him about the entities (rather then do you have voices?) and my son's response was more honest and he replied that yes they are there and that he has voices.
It was agreed that we would try adding Latuda instead of upping his Invega because upping his Invega could have the opposite affect to what we are looking for and it could actually drag him down. We didn't mention losing his libido but I'm guessing the psychiatrist was also taking this into account and that's what he meant my dragging him down. I told the psychiatrist that my son seems to do best on lower doses of two medications and since this is what we are going to try then we seem to be on the same page. We discussed weight gain and I let him know that the only time I have seen this due to medications is on 450 mg of Clozapine. Other then that my son's weight doesn't fluctuate that much. For me this is another reason to keep him on lower doses, if possible, as weight gain could become a reason to be non-compliant and we don't need to give him reasons for that. ;)
The only question my son seemed to have is if the Latuda would help with stress. Yes it will. Some information on Latuda here: Lurasidone/Latuda. I know that I have heard of good results with it and that it can also act like an antidepressant while it is still an antipsychotic which is a good match for my son. I have never seen antidepressants help him. As with his Invega it is an atypical or next generation medication and is what they call cleaner so has less side affects. I'm very hopeful of this combination as being on two medications that are considered cleaner and keeping to lower doses should work out well.
I was expecting that my son would go back to bed after the psychiatrist left. He didn't and in fact seemed to have an ok day. The voices are there but they didn't seem as bad. Yesterday was my hubby's birthday so I thought I would 'try' to bake him a chocolate cake which of course I didn't have. I asked my son to walk to the corner store with me. He asked if he could get two things. It ended up being five things... They didn't have a chocolate cake mix.
When we got back he went up to his room with his treats and got on his computer! Happily listening to the sounds of his computer gaming, I looked through my cupboards and came up with the idea of a vanilla, strawberry and whipped cream cake to make for my hubby along with some double chocolate chip cookies. The cake was a hit! Surprisingly since my baking skills are not so great and as is usual for me I wasn't following a recipe.
While I was in the kitchen I noticed that my son was snacking on things like he usually does when stable. And he was cleaning up after himself! I know! I didn't say anything. Randomly talked to him, joined him outside for cigarettes and gave him a cookie when they were done. Once when he walked by me I commented that he really needed a shower or at least a change of cloths and off he went and put on clean cloths! Minus socks ;)
Hubby came home and was pleasantly happy about dinner. He was really hungry and expecting that it would be something like fish and rice as he knows this type of diet can help my son. However it was his birthday dinner so it was steak, corn on the cob and baked potatoes. My son really enjoys steak and corn on the cob as well so he ate good too. Win win!
After dinner I asked my son if he wanted tea. First he said no then he said yes. I made us all tea, put out all of our vitamins as I usually do and put on our TV shows. Reminded my son that the vitamins were there once then left them alone. A little while later I went to pick them up and put them away and just commented: I guess you don't want these? First he said no then said wait I will take these (picked up the multivitamins), I will take this too (picked up the B50), I guess I will take the fish ones too... So he took them all! It was after 8 so I went and got his Invega which he took then and there.
We all went out for a cigarette and when we came back in I asked him if he felt like taking his Melatonin tonight. He said sure... So I got him two and put them in his room. He was on his computer when hubby and I went to bed. He was eating a candy... I know that may sound like something small however after a week of seeing him in such a negative symptom swing it was a welcome sight and I went up to him and hugged him tight, telling him I loved him. Stumbled over my words as I said something like: It's good to see looking better... or acting better.. or... I paused and finished with: It's good to have you back. He just smiled at me, hugged me back and told me he loved me too.
I think it was around 11:30 that I woke up and checked on him. He was in bed but awake. I asked him if he had taken his Melatonin and he had forgotten so he took them! As far as I know he slept through the night until 9:30 this morning.
PACT called around 9 to see if he wanted to go on there outing today which is I think a trail walk. I woke him up to ask him and he said no. Thirty minutes later when he got up, I brought it up again asking if he was sure. He said he woke up in a bad mood so no. I said ok but it's a trail walk so in nature which you like. He replied with yah I might like that. Call them back and tell them I want to go. I called and left a message stating that if they still had a spot left that he wanted to go so hopefully they will call back. It's supposed to be a pretty nice day out.
So ya... I'm slightly bemused at the change since we haven't added the Latuda yet. He's adjusting to no Olanzapine? I have no idea. I'm just glad to see him functioning a bit better. I know that some would recommend interacting with him more, to pull him out of his head when he isn't doing well but I tend to give him his space to a certain degree. When the voices are bad then I'm just another voice talking to him and I think that can stress him even further. I know I wouldn't appreciate it if I had a room full of people talking at me and someone else decided to chime in ;) I know that doing even minor physical or 'real life' things takes a lot of energy and I don't need to be an extra stimulant for him if I can help it. Just like yesterday... When he is ready and able then I'm there.
I should get going. He asked again about camping last night so I should look into booking something in the relatively near future. I also need to follow up again with disability as the pharmacy supplying his medications still hasn't received his drug cards for March and April.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
He didn't sleep much the night before last so I wasn't sure if he was going to be able to get up when his psychiatrist showed up yesterday morning. We spoke for a bit before I got my son up. I gave him a quick overview, advised him how to get a more accurate response regarding voices/entities and discussed my concerns about upping the Invega and what our options were.
Then I got my son up. He seemed to respond better with the psychiatrist then with the new nurse and was more alert. My son has known this psychiatrist for awhile now and seems to like him so that probably helped. As I advised his psychiatrist asked him about the entities (rather then do you have voices?) and my son's response was more honest and he replied that yes they are there and that he has voices.
It was agreed that we would try adding Latuda instead of upping his Invega because upping his Invega could have the opposite affect to what we are looking for and it could actually drag him down. We didn't mention losing his libido but I'm guessing the psychiatrist was also taking this into account and that's what he meant my dragging him down. I told the psychiatrist that my son seems to do best on lower doses of two medications and since this is what we are going to try then we seem to be on the same page. We discussed weight gain and I let him know that the only time I have seen this due to medications is on 450 mg of Clozapine. Other then that my son's weight doesn't fluctuate that much. For me this is another reason to keep him on lower doses, if possible, as weight gain could become a reason to be non-compliant and we don't need to give him reasons for that. ;)
The only question my son seemed to have is if the Latuda would help with stress. Yes it will. Some information on Latuda here: Lurasidone/Latuda. I know that I have heard of good results with it and that it can also act like an antidepressant while it is still an antipsychotic which is a good match for my son. I have never seen antidepressants help him. As with his Invega it is an atypical or next generation medication and is what they call cleaner so has less side affects. I'm very hopeful of this combination as being on two medications that are considered cleaner and keeping to lower doses should work out well.
I was expecting that my son would go back to bed after the psychiatrist left. He didn't and in fact seemed to have an ok day. The voices are there but they didn't seem as bad. Yesterday was my hubby's birthday so I thought I would 'try' to bake him a chocolate cake which of course I didn't have. I asked my son to walk to the corner store with me. He asked if he could get two things. It ended up being five things... They didn't have a chocolate cake mix.
When we got back he went up to his room with his treats and got on his computer! Happily listening to the sounds of his computer gaming, I looked through my cupboards and came up with the idea of a vanilla, strawberry and whipped cream cake to make for my hubby along with some double chocolate chip cookies. The cake was a hit! Surprisingly since my baking skills are not so great and as is usual for me I wasn't following a recipe.
While I was in the kitchen I noticed that my son was snacking on things like he usually does when stable. And he was cleaning up after himself! I know! I didn't say anything. Randomly talked to him, joined him outside for cigarettes and gave him a cookie when they were done. Once when he walked by me I commented that he really needed a shower or at least a change of cloths and off he went and put on clean cloths! Minus socks ;)
Hubby came home and was pleasantly happy about dinner. He was really hungry and expecting that it would be something like fish and rice as he knows this type of diet can help my son. However it was his birthday dinner so it was steak, corn on the cob and baked potatoes. My son really enjoys steak and corn on the cob as well so he ate good too. Win win!
After dinner I asked my son if he wanted tea. First he said no then he said yes. I made us all tea, put out all of our vitamins as I usually do and put on our TV shows. Reminded my son that the vitamins were there once then left them alone. A little while later I went to pick them up and put them away and just commented: I guess you don't want these? First he said no then said wait I will take these (picked up the multivitamins), I will take this too (picked up the B50), I guess I will take the fish ones too... So he took them all! It was after 8 so I went and got his Invega which he took then and there.
We all went out for a cigarette and when we came back in I asked him if he felt like taking his Melatonin tonight. He said sure... So I got him two and put them in his room. He was on his computer when hubby and I went to bed. He was eating a candy... I know that may sound like something small however after a week of seeing him in such a negative symptom swing it was a welcome sight and I went up to him and hugged him tight, telling him I loved him. Stumbled over my words as I said something like: It's good to see looking better... or acting better.. or... I paused and finished with: It's good to have you back. He just smiled at me, hugged me back and told me he loved me too.
I think it was around 11:30 that I woke up and checked on him. He was in bed but awake. I asked him if he had taken his Melatonin and he had forgotten so he took them! As far as I know he slept through the night until 9:30 this morning.
PACT called around 9 to see if he wanted to go on there outing today which is I think a trail walk. I woke him up to ask him and he said no. Thirty minutes later when he got up, I brought it up again asking if he was sure. He said he woke up in a bad mood so no. I said ok but it's a trail walk so in nature which you like. He replied with yah I might like that. Call them back and tell them I want to go. I called and left a message stating that if they still had a spot left that he wanted to go so hopefully they will call back. It's supposed to be a pretty nice day out.
So ya... I'm slightly bemused at the change since we haven't added the Latuda yet. He's adjusting to no Olanzapine? I have no idea. I'm just glad to see him functioning a bit better. I know that some would recommend interacting with him more, to pull him out of his head when he isn't doing well but I tend to give him his space to a certain degree. When the voices are bad then I'm just another voice talking to him and I think that can stress him even further. I know I wouldn't appreciate it if I had a room full of people talking at me and someone else decided to chime in ;) I know that doing even minor physical or 'real life' things takes a lot of energy and I don't need to be an extra stimulant for him if I can help it. Just like yesterday... When he is ready and able then I'm there.
I should get going. He asked again about camping last night so I should look into booking something in the relatively near future. I also need to follow up again with disability as the pharmacy supplying his medications still hasn't received his drug cards for March and April.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Monday, April 20, 2015
Saint Dymphna, Saint Michael, a job? and being healthy.
About three weeks ago I learned about Saint Dymphna. She is the patron saint of the nervous, emotionally disturbed, mentally ill and those who suffer neurological disorders. She is also the patron saint of victims of incest.
Her story can be found here: Wikipedia - Saint Dymphna
My prayer to her:
I decided that I wanted a pendent for my necklace of her so my husband made it my birthday present. Saturday morning we went to a store that carries them. In the beginning I was thinking about getting three of them. One for me, my son and my daughter. Yesterday I had mine engraved with the initials of both of my children.
While at the store discussing Saints the clerk mentioned Saint Michael who is an Archangel. I knew that he was an Archangel however I know little of him beyond that. He is the patron saint of chivalry and warriors. The sick and the suffering also consider him to be their patron. The serpent that he is slaying in depictions of him represents evil. He is seen as one who protects against evil.
His story can be found here: Wikipedia - Saint Michael (Archangel)
My son's name is Michael... It just made sense so I got my son Saint Michael he does need help fighting his demons or evil entities. When I saw the detail of Michael's sword as it slayed the serpent... My son's hallucinations involve him creating armor to protect himself and he enjoys playing online games that involve armor etc. When we got home I took it to him and put it on him explaining who Saint Michael was. I also got him a medallion he can carry around that says: My son. You may have outgrown my lap but you will never outgrow my heart. I couldn't find one similar for my daughter. :(
I blogged a bit ago about my son wanting stuffed animals or stuffies as he calls them :). For awhile he wasn't paying much attention to them however recently he is back to cuddling with them. I know because I helped to arrange them last night before I did what has become our night time activity of me scratching and rubbing his back and head.
I know that sometimes my writing here can sound fairly negative. It's because this is my place to vent my thoughts and feelings and sort them out. Getting them out here means that they won't be directed at my son. Perhaps my hubby at times ;) but not my son. I can't recall the last time that I even raised my voice to him. Certainly not since we moved or since I've been on the Venlafaxine, so a couple of months. My husband says that he has seen a change in my son with how he is with me since I went to British Columbia to get him and that my son loves me more then I give him credit for. He may be right. I do know it's different now. My son spends more time sitting on the same sofa as us when we are watching TV. He spends more time having tea and watching TV with us. In fact if I don't think to ask my son to join us then my husband does because he doesn't want my son spending to much time in his room alone.
Despite our issues at times, I never need to wonder why I love my husband. I know that he finds all this frustrating at times, as I do, because we have seen how good my son can be. I don't mean good in behavior but good as in stable, clean and basically schizophrenia symptom free. It's hard to accept that as good as my son is doing right now and all things considered he is doing good, that this is the best we can expect because... Honestly why should we when we know that it can be so much better.
It's sad because instances like February and the shelter happen and they are no one's fault. It's when addiction, schizophrenia and oppositional defiance disorder (ODD) take over. If we could keep these things at bay for just a little while... Imagine what we could accomplish!
Yesterday my hubby asked me if my son was ok because he got up and didn't say anything. My hubby has problems reading social ques and people'e emotions. I really do think he has some asperger traits ;). No it's our routine... I may be up early but I don't like to talk. I want to wake up with my coffee, doing my social media. My son seems to be the same way. He gets up, we say good morning, he goes for a cigarette, grabs his energy drink and back up to his room sometimes to play his games, watch TV or 'think' depending on where his stability is at. As the day goes on we interact more.
Yes he is drinking energy drinks again. We have an agreement that if he keeps it to one a day and isn't drinking them at night, preferably in the morning than we buy him some when grocery shopping. So far he is doing this.
Remember the stones my hubby brought home for the back yard? Yesterday my husband asked for my son's help in placing them. Of course this meant my husband doing it but my son interacting with us while he did it. Then we were to go to the mall so I could get my pendant engraved.
Out of the blue my son asked about applying for a job at the corner store stating that if he had a job and some extra money his life would be perfect. Are you shocked? ;) I suggested the pet store that is just around the corner as I was thinking about applying there for some extra income. I had my son clip his nails and clean up a bit and we went over. They don't have applications so we have to do up a resume. They usually hire for summer hours.
Now I'm not sure what is motivating this however my son has been eating healthier. I have blogged about my own eating habits and what I eat for lunch. My son has also started eating the same things for snacks. Several times he would look at my lunch and take a cracker with brie cheese or a snap pea. Last week he started making his own plate of it including almonds!
Off and on he is now taking NAC (N-Acetyl Cysteine) in the mornings. He isn't giving me grief about taking his multi-vitamins or Omega 3. It's not everyday and sometimes he forgets but when he does he is now taking two of each! Yesterday I even got him to take a B50 complex. I'm trying not to make a big deal of it as if I did he would probably stop ;) It's part of me and my husband's routine to take our supplements after dinner with our tea while we watch TV so I'm just including my son in that routine without any fanfare and for now anyways I think it is helping.
When I brought up the B50 my son asked what does it do. Does is have the sun vitamin? No that's vitamin D, I think. We take it to be healthier. My son stated he didn't want to be healthier because he doesn't want to have more energy during the day. Some old thinking/issues rearing their little head that I refer to as his ODD. I replied: Do you see me jumping around with lots of energy? It will just make you healthier not more energetic. He took it. Although he forgot to take his Omega 3. Oh well. You win some, you lose some. ;)
Tomorrow it will be one week since my son stopped taking his Olanzapine. He is still being compliant with 6 mg of Invega as he says he doesn't mind this one. So he is only on one medication. Honestly I was expecting that we would be in a pretty bad spot by now. While voices have emerged or what my son is referring to as thoughts... Everything else seems to be holding steady. His appetite is good. Fairly good actually as he is usually asking me now what time my hubby is getting home from work so that we can have supper/dinner. In fact he usually asks me earlier in the day what we are having for dinner and will sometimes ask if we can have a different side dish. Whenever it's rice he asks me to make extra for him. I'm glad my cooking skills are improving ;) So far he is still on a good sleep schedule. He goes to bed when hubby and I do which is anywhere between 8 and 9. He was up at 9 this morning and rarely goes past 10:30. He is sometimes up earlier in the night for a cigarette and something to eat but goes right back to bed. There has been no sleeping on the sofa!
One night it was cute because hubby wasn't working the next day, so we stayed up later watching TV. I think it was around 10, which is really late for us, my son asks: Isn't it bedtime? He was tired and wanted to go to bed but I guess he was waiting for us to go too. Our routines may be hard to implement and his ODD may flair up here and there but they are really helping him.
Whether it's diet or Saint Michael or routine and boundaries... I don't know but I'm glad, knock on wood, that we have managed at least for now to keep my son from going to far in the wrong direction. I know that the end of the month is coming and yes we will probably be dealing with a 'hiccup' and alcohol but every day that we are not is an accomplishment and a step in the right direction.
Today it is raining so hubby came home early from work. They went to go exchange cigarettes. My son has decided he wants to roll them. My hubby wasn't happy with his last carton either. Oi... They worked it out last night. Since what they are returning is what hubby and I paid for then my son doesn't get back the money and instead my hubby will us it to buy my son his tobacco and rolling papers.
When they get back we are going to take my son to get his blood work done for the family doctor and his physical.
His caseworker from PACT was just here to drop off his meds and a copy of another letter she sent to British Columbia disability. I guess because my son hasn't been attending their Wednesday outings he is at risk for losing his spot with this. I can understand that as they have a lot of clients and ones who want to participate. Will have to put more energy into this and hopefully he will attend this Wednesday's outing.
I'm off to do some dishes, get dressed and wait for my boys to come back.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Her story can be found here: Wikipedia - Saint Dymphna
My prayer to her:
I decided that I wanted a pendent for my necklace of her so my husband made it my birthday present. Saturday morning we went to a store that carries them. In the beginning I was thinking about getting three of them. One for me, my son and my daughter. Yesterday I had mine engraved with the initials of both of my children.
While at the store discussing Saints the clerk mentioned Saint Michael who is an Archangel. I knew that he was an Archangel however I know little of him beyond that. He is the patron saint of chivalry and warriors. The sick and the suffering also consider him to be their patron. The serpent that he is slaying in depictions of him represents evil. He is seen as one who protects against evil.
His story can be found here: Wikipedia - Saint Michael (Archangel)
My son's name is Michael... It just made sense so I got my son Saint Michael he does need help fighting his demons or evil entities. When I saw the detail of Michael's sword as it slayed the serpent... My son's hallucinations involve him creating armor to protect himself and he enjoys playing online games that involve armor etc. When we got home I took it to him and put it on him explaining who Saint Michael was. I also got him a medallion he can carry around that says: My son. You may have outgrown my lap but you will never outgrow my heart. I couldn't find one similar for my daughter. :(
I blogged a bit ago about my son wanting stuffed animals or stuffies as he calls them :). For awhile he wasn't paying much attention to them however recently he is back to cuddling with them. I know because I helped to arrange them last night before I did what has become our night time activity of me scratching and rubbing his back and head.
I know that sometimes my writing here can sound fairly negative. It's because this is my place to vent my thoughts and feelings and sort them out. Getting them out here means that they won't be directed at my son. Perhaps my hubby at times ;) but not my son. I can't recall the last time that I even raised my voice to him. Certainly not since we moved or since I've been on the Venlafaxine, so a couple of months. My husband says that he has seen a change in my son with how he is with me since I went to British Columbia to get him and that my son loves me more then I give him credit for. He may be right. I do know it's different now. My son spends more time sitting on the same sofa as us when we are watching TV. He spends more time having tea and watching TV with us. In fact if I don't think to ask my son to join us then my husband does because he doesn't want my son spending to much time in his room alone.
Despite our issues at times, I never need to wonder why I love my husband. I know that he finds all this frustrating at times, as I do, because we have seen how good my son can be. I don't mean good in behavior but good as in stable, clean and basically schizophrenia symptom free. It's hard to accept that as good as my son is doing right now and all things considered he is doing good, that this is the best we can expect because... Honestly why should we when we know that it can be so much better.
It's sad because instances like February and the shelter happen and they are no one's fault. It's when addiction, schizophrenia and oppositional defiance disorder (ODD) take over. If we could keep these things at bay for just a little while... Imagine what we could accomplish!
Yesterday my hubby asked me if my son was ok because he got up and didn't say anything. My hubby has problems reading social ques and people'e emotions. I really do think he has some asperger traits ;). No it's our routine... I may be up early but I don't like to talk. I want to wake up with my coffee, doing my social media. My son seems to be the same way. He gets up, we say good morning, he goes for a cigarette, grabs his energy drink and back up to his room sometimes to play his games, watch TV or 'think' depending on where his stability is at. As the day goes on we interact more.
Yes he is drinking energy drinks again. We have an agreement that if he keeps it to one a day and isn't drinking them at night, preferably in the morning than we buy him some when grocery shopping. So far he is doing this.
Remember the stones my hubby brought home for the back yard? Yesterday my husband asked for my son's help in placing them. Of course this meant my husband doing it but my son interacting with us while he did it. Then we were to go to the mall so I could get my pendant engraved.
Out of the blue my son asked about applying for a job at the corner store stating that if he had a job and some extra money his life would be perfect. Are you shocked? ;) I suggested the pet store that is just around the corner as I was thinking about applying there for some extra income. I had my son clip his nails and clean up a bit and we went over. They don't have applications so we have to do up a resume. They usually hire for summer hours.
Now I'm not sure what is motivating this however my son has been eating healthier. I have blogged about my own eating habits and what I eat for lunch. My son has also started eating the same things for snacks. Several times he would look at my lunch and take a cracker with brie cheese or a snap pea. Last week he started making his own plate of it including almonds!
Off and on he is now taking NAC (N-Acetyl Cysteine) in the mornings. He isn't giving me grief about taking his multi-vitamins or Omega 3. It's not everyday and sometimes he forgets but when he does he is now taking two of each! Yesterday I even got him to take a B50 complex. I'm trying not to make a big deal of it as if I did he would probably stop ;) It's part of me and my husband's routine to take our supplements after dinner with our tea while we watch TV so I'm just including my son in that routine without any fanfare and for now anyways I think it is helping.
When I brought up the B50 my son asked what does it do. Does is have the sun vitamin? No that's vitamin D, I think. We take it to be healthier. My son stated he didn't want to be healthier because he doesn't want to have more energy during the day. Some old thinking/issues rearing their little head that I refer to as his ODD. I replied: Do you see me jumping around with lots of energy? It will just make you healthier not more energetic. He took it. Although he forgot to take his Omega 3. Oh well. You win some, you lose some. ;)
Tomorrow it will be one week since my son stopped taking his Olanzapine. He is still being compliant with 6 mg of Invega as he says he doesn't mind this one. So he is only on one medication. Honestly I was expecting that we would be in a pretty bad spot by now. While voices have emerged or what my son is referring to as thoughts... Everything else seems to be holding steady. His appetite is good. Fairly good actually as he is usually asking me now what time my hubby is getting home from work so that we can have supper/dinner. In fact he usually asks me earlier in the day what we are having for dinner and will sometimes ask if we can have a different side dish. Whenever it's rice he asks me to make extra for him. I'm glad my cooking skills are improving ;) So far he is still on a good sleep schedule. He goes to bed when hubby and I do which is anywhere between 8 and 9. He was up at 9 this morning and rarely goes past 10:30. He is sometimes up earlier in the night for a cigarette and something to eat but goes right back to bed. There has been no sleeping on the sofa!
One night it was cute because hubby wasn't working the next day, so we stayed up later watching TV. I think it was around 10, which is really late for us, my son asks: Isn't it bedtime? He was tired and wanted to go to bed but I guess he was waiting for us to go too. Our routines may be hard to implement and his ODD may flair up here and there but they are really helping him.
Whether it's diet or Saint Michael or routine and boundaries... I don't know but I'm glad, knock on wood, that we have managed at least for now to keep my son from going to far in the wrong direction. I know that the end of the month is coming and yes we will probably be dealing with a 'hiccup' and alcohol but every day that we are not is an accomplishment and a step in the right direction.
Today it is raining so hubby came home early from work. They went to go exchange cigarettes. My son has decided he wants to roll them. My hubby wasn't happy with his last carton either. Oi... They worked it out last night. Since what they are returning is what hubby and I paid for then my son doesn't get back the money and instead my hubby will us it to buy my son his tobacco and rolling papers.
When they get back we are going to take my son to get his blood work done for the family doctor and his physical.
His caseworker from PACT was just here to drop off his meds and a copy of another letter she sent to British Columbia disability. I guess because my son hasn't been attending their Wednesday outings he is at risk for losing his spot with this. I can understand that as they have a lot of clients and ones who want to participate. Will have to put more energy into this and hopefully he will attend this Wednesday's outing.
I'm off to do some dishes, get dressed and wait for my boys to come back.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, April 17, 2015
I never thought the day would come...
when I would actually be somewhat thankful that my son wasn't taking one of his medications. What a contradicting feeling that is as it's not, in my opinion, for a good reason.
Early yesterday my son asked if we could go to where we buy cigarettes and exchange the ones he has as they are too strong. He has been smoking this kind for at least two weeks. Too strong cigarettes and my son are not something you can put in the same sentence, normally. The stronger the better and he is always searching for a stronger kind that gives him that 'hit' that he so enjoys. My son currently has over three cartons of cigarettes which include three different kinds. Apparently one is now too strong, one is too weak and the other... he just isn't smoking them. The ones that are too strong are the more expensive ones. I'm pretty sure the intent here was that if he exchanged them for a cheaper kind then he would have money for alcohol. I said no to going.
Awhile later he seemed ok with the idea of adjusting how he is smoking these cigarettes so that they aren't as harsh. (!) This was followed up with the statement: Nana is sending my $30. Does she know that this money is going to go on alcohol? Yes, she said not to go overboard with it and I won't. Right, because buying 1-3 mickeys (375 ml bottles) of alcohol and drinking one in less then two hours isn't going overboard... He can get a mickey for $10, so $30 would get him three plus one of the tiny bottles of whatever it is that he also gets. All of these are 40% alcohol.
For the past two days I have been watching/listening as the voices are coming back and he is laughing out loud and being distracted by them. He is of course denying it. I didn't say anything else about it to my son... I posted this on my Facebook page:
Looks like my son will be drinking tonight. Recently stopped his Olanzapine cold turkey and is laughing at voices, so let's add some alcohol why don't we. I don't know who is worse
My daughter calls me to tell me that she spoke to Nana and she isn't sending the money that she didn't know he was off his Olanzapine.
Really?
I wrote this on April 13:
Today for the first time in a very long time I had trouble getting him to take his medication. He doesn't want to take his Olanzapine any more.
I know she read this blog post because we talked about it when we spoke the following day.
I wrote this on April 14:
As of Tuesday he is refusing to take any Olanzapine.
Maybe this one hadn't been read yet...
My daughter called me when hubby and I were at our chiropractor. Can you say subluxated? Usually I'm easier to adjust. My chiropractor asked what I've been doing? My son's grandmother is trying to give me a heart attack but other then that.... ;)
My son was waiting for us in the car since he usually comes with us for the car ride. I heard him on his cell saying something like: Wouldn't you be angry if you were being forced to take pills...
So I went to bed with the thought of what a conundrum. IF he was taking his Olanzapine then he would have been sent the $30? I'm not naive. I obviously know that when he gets money at the end of the month that he will spend some of it on alcohol. I was thankful that it was two weeks away so that we would have a better idea of how he was going to react coming off the Olanzapine cold turkey. I do live in reality (my reality anyways ;)) and I know I can't stop it but to enable him and help him...
April 13:
Nana's intentions may be good and I know are coming from a place of love... When my son pulls on her heartstrings with how much he needs to drink or get high because he is so unhappy, stressed, anxious and there is nothing for him in this world... Will she have the willpower to say no? Will she be able to put aside how much she loves him and how much her heart is breaking for him to make the right decisions? Will she be able keep her home drug and alcohol free even if that means him 'going to the streets' to get it?
I guess IF I had any doubts as to the answers to above... She can barely say no when they are pretty much on the opposite sides of the country. Can you imagine face to face?
My hubby says to me that I need to do something to stop this. Like what? A restraining order of zero contact crossed my mind... Yes I'm aware that's an overreaction. ;)
My son also called Ontario Works yesterday about getting his own place. He is not happy about the amount of money he is getting. Because of the letter from British Columbia's disability stating that he was on disability out there even when he was living here in Ontario, they are considering his payments while here as an over-payment and deducting $40 from his portion. He is still getting $100 and the only thing he needs to pay for is his cigarettes which he can get for $17 a carton. I even helped pay for his last ones and bought him a carton. Plus he got $60 from the government recently. I have informed his case worker at PACT so she can follow up and try to fix it, again. His motivation for getting his own place... More money and the ability to drink and/or abuse drugs.
I get that someone might read this and think: It's just alcohol. It's not just alcohol. It's like a member of AA not wanting to be associated with a drug addict because 'I don't use drugs!'. Addiction is addiction. It's been a battle to get my son from being a chronic marijuana smoker. How long before he is again? If he wanted money for heroine or cocaine would that be ok? I would hope that that line wouldn't be crossed however I don't see much of a difference in helping him drink or helping him get cocaine when drinking/using triggers his schizophrenia. Maybe it's just me.. It just seems so obvious to me at this point...
Enough of the negative... Out of the blue my son hugged me last night! One of those rare, you can actually feel, type of hugs. I held him for a moment and asked what that was for. He feels lonely and wants a girlfriend that he can cuddle with. Yes I know... Tear at your heartstrings...
He is not going to find that in the bottom of a bottle be it alcohol or benzos. We discussed him getting out with PACT's group on Wednesday as he declined going to the last one. It was bowling. Also when they called we were in the middle of a pretty in-depth conversation about his schizophrenia and voices. I won't make this post much longer with all the details. I was curious to know if his voices have ever threatened me. He said that they have told him to kill me or they would kill him and he waited for them to kill him because he wasn't going to kill me. That when they do this he creates his own 'robots' to keep them away from him. A lot of words that would take me forever to write and interpret into language that others would understand.
I'm pretty thankful actually that I can understand as much as I do. We manage to talk out a lot of what he is experiencing and I'm able to interpret what he says into 'normal English' and sometimes give him the medical terms for what he is telling me.
Anyways I should go... It's after 12 and I have been up since 5:30 when the little one below was headbutting me to get up and feed her.
So far all I have done is the dishes. Hubby brought home some stones yesterday for the backyard and it's a nice day out. Also a couple of days ago I received my new Dyson vacuum that I ordered with my Aeroplan points that I haven't used it. So I'm off to face my day...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Early yesterday my son asked if we could go to where we buy cigarettes and exchange the ones he has as they are too strong. He has been smoking this kind for at least two weeks. Too strong cigarettes and my son are not something you can put in the same sentence, normally. The stronger the better and he is always searching for a stronger kind that gives him that 'hit' that he so enjoys. My son currently has over three cartons of cigarettes which include three different kinds. Apparently one is now too strong, one is too weak and the other... he just isn't smoking them. The ones that are too strong are the more expensive ones. I'm pretty sure the intent here was that if he exchanged them for a cheaper kind then he would have money for alcohol. I said no to going.
Awhile later he seemed ok with the idea of adjusting how he is smoking these cigarettes so that they aren't as harsh. (!) This was followed up with the statement: Nana is sending my $30. Does she know that this money is going to go on alcohol? Yes, she said not to go overboard with it and I won't. Right, because buying 1-3 mickeys (375 ml bottles) of alcohol and drinking one in less then two hours isn't going overboard... He can get a mickey for $10, so $30 would get him three plus one of the tiny bottles of whatever it is that he also gets. All of these are 40% alcohol.
For the past two days I have been watching/listening as the voices are coming back and he is laughing out loud and being distracted by them. He is of course denying it. I didn't say anything else about it to my son... I posted this on my Facebook page:
Looks like my son will be drinking tonight. Recently stopped his Olanzapine cold turkey and is laughing at voices, so let's add some alcohol why don't we. I don't know who is worse
My daughter calls me to tell me that she spoke to Nana and she isn't sending the money that she didn't know he was off his Olanzapine.
Really?
I wrote this on April 13:
Today for the first time in a very long time I had trouble getting him to take his medication. He doesn't want to take his Olanzapine any more.
I know she read this blog post because we talked about it when we spoke the following day.
I wrote this on April 14:
As of Tuesday he is refusing to take any Olanzapine.
Maybe this one hadn't been read yet...
My daughter called me when hubby and I were at our chiropractor. Can you say subluxated? Usually I'm easier to adjust. My chiropractor asked what I've been doing? My son's grandmother is trying to give me a heart attack but other then that.... ;)
My son was waiting for us in the car since he usually comes with us for the car ride. I heard him on his cell saying something like: Wouldn't you be angry if you were being forced to take pills...
So I went to bed with the thought of what a conundrum. IF he was taking his Olanzapine then he would have been sent the $30? I'm not naive. I obviously know that when he gets money at the end of the month that he will spend some of it on alcohol. I was thankful that it was two weeks away so that we would have a better idea of how he was going to react coming off the Olanzapine cold turkey. I do live in reality (my reality anyways ;)) and I know I can't stop it but to enable him and help him...
April 13:
Nana's intentions may be good and I know are coming from a place of love... When my son pulls on her heartstrings with how much he needs to drink or get high because he is so unhappy, stressed, anxious and there is nothing for him in this world... Will she have the willpower to say no? Will she be able to put aside how much she loves him and how much her heart is breaking for him to make the right decisions? Will she be able keep her home drug and alcohol free even if that means him 'going to the streets' to get it?
I guess IF I had any doubts as to the answers to above... She can barely say no when they are pretty much on the opposite sides of the country. Can you imagine face to face?
My hubby says to me that I need to do something to stop this. Like what? A restraining order of zero contact crossed my mind... Yes I'm aware that's an overreaction. ;)
My son also called Ontario Works yesterday about getting his own place. He is not happy about the amount of money he is getting. Because of the letter from British Columbia's disability stating that he was on disability out there even when he was living here in Ontario, they are considering his payments while here as an over-payment and deducting $40 from his portion. He is still getting $100 and the only thing he needs to pay for is his cigarettes which he can get for $17 a carton. I even helped pay for his last ones and bought him a carton. Plus he got $60 from the government recently. I have informed his case worker at PACT so she can follow up and try to fix it, again. His motivation for getting his own place... More money and the ability to drink and/or abuse drugs.
I get that someone might read this and think: It's just alcohol. It's not just alcohol. It's like a member of AA not wanting to be associated with a drug addict because 'I don't use drugs!'. Addiction is addiction. It's been a battle to get my son from being a chronic marijuana smoker. How long before he is again? If he wanted money for heroine or cocaine would that be ok? I would hope that that line wouldn't be crossed however I don't see much of a difference in helping him drink or helping him get cocaine when drinking/using triggers his schizophrenia. Maybe it's just me.. It just seems so obvious to me at this point...
Enough of the negative... Out of the blue my son hugged me last night! One of those rare, you can actually feel, type of hugs. I held him for a moment and asked what that was for. He feels lonely and wants a girlfriend that he can cuddle with. Yes I know... Tear at your heartstrings...
He is not going to find that in the bottom of a bottle be it alcohol or benzos. We discussed him getting out with PACT's group on Wednesday as he declined going to the last one. It was bowling. Also when they called we were in the middle of a pretty in-depth conversation about his schizophrenia and voices. I won't make this post much longer with all the details. I was curious to know if his voices have ever threatened me. He said that they have told him to kill me or they would kill him and he waited for them to kill him because he wasn't going to kill me. That when they do this he creates his own 'robots' to keep them away from him. A lot of words that would take me forever to write and interpret into language that others would understand.
I'm pretty thankful actually that I can understand as much as I do. We manage to talk out a lot of what he is experiencing and I'm able to interpret what he says into 'normal English' and sometimes give him the medical terms for what he is telling me.
Anyways I should go... It's after 12 and I have been up since 5:30 when the little one below was headbutting me to get up and feed her.
So far all I have done is the dishes. Hubby brought home some stones yesterday for the backyard and it's a nice day out. Also a couple of days ago I received my new Dyson vacuum that I ordered with my Aeroplan points that I haven't used it. So I'm off to face my day...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Monday, April 13, 2015
How do you stay so calm? Behind the Wall
This is what my husband asked me last night. "When I hear him talking like that my blood boils. All I can see is it all happening all over again." Yes me too...
I'm doing my best to learn to let go of things that I can't change or have no control over. My hubby: "Yes but I have seen you, when you put your mind to it, and you do have control and you are able to stop it." Yes but only for a little while... It's raining outside. I can stand under an umbrella but eventually I'm going to get wet. I'm just putting off the inevitable.
I recently purchased a book: Behind the Wall. Click on the book title and it will take you to it. I have barely started the first chapter and already I have felt a connection with the writers and the families they are writing about. In the preface something stood out for me:
"No parent, for example, ever wants to admit there are times when one secretly wishes her child to precede her in death. No one ever thinks that. But this is not an uncommon or unjustified thought for a parent to have while her child is suffering from a particularly devastating episode related to mental illness."
Widdifield, Mary; Widdifield MA, Elin (2015-03-02). Behind the Wall: The True Story of Mental Illness as Told by Parents (Kindle Locations 175-177). Langdon Street Press. Kindle Edition.
No I'm not secretly wishing my son was dead nor is he going through a bad episode right now. Still the ideal expressed in this quote is somewhere that I have been in the past and most likely where I will be in the future, again...
On Saturday while we were setting up the backyard and my thoughts were wondering as they usually do. I asked my son if financially his Nana and I were the same and I couldn't provide him with the things that I do, would he want to stay with me? Of course his first question was: Why are you broke? ;) Over $30000 in debt but that's not the point... I wasn't really expecting a black or white answer and told him that I was just curious as I don't want our relationship based on my ability to be a bank account to him. I purposely didn't say the word love as I don't think my son feels or reacts to things based on love. Not saying he doesn't feel it however it's secondary to his own needs or wants. Anyways he basically said that he is comfortable with me, Dad and Nana...
I use tinctures or herbs to treat my menopause and keep my hormones regulated. My son knows this. He has tried a tincture in the past for anxiety however abused it so I ended up getting rid of it. Just because they are herbs or natural it doesn't mean that they can be abused without harmful side affects.
Because he is struggling with anxiety most likely due to no alcohol now since Wednesday and he knows that he can't get any benzos prescribed, he is looking for another means to self-medicate. I have told him that I'm willing to work with him on things like this to help him with withdrawal and anxiety however he is not going to find the relief he is seeking through a supplement. He says that is not looking for benzo relief however I know better. So we tried a tincture... Yesterday he tells me that it isn't working and asked if we can try another one. Tinctures are not cheap. They range from $20-$50 CAD a bottle.
What do you think preceding me saying no to another tincture? Maybe it would be best if I lived with Nana. That was the agreement anyways that after 6 months I could do that...
It wasn't my agreement and still isn't. This is from when my son was in the shelter the last time and as best that I can tell the agreement was that after 6 months of my son being in a group home and participating in addiction recovery that his Nana would start saving money for him to go out there.
All fine and dandy... What does this mean for my son though? It means he doesn't have to put forth any effort into managing his own life or trying to get better because Nana is waiting in the wings and life with Nana is certainly a lot easier then life with me. I have rules. I have boundaries. He can't manipulate me the way he manipulates her.
My love for him is different. It can see past his feel sorry for me manipulations and half truths that schizophrenia and mostly addiction allows him to speak without so much as batting an eye... Getting what he thinks he deserves is his priority and what others go through to make this happen doesn't matter to him. He knows that Nana would give up anything to give him what he wants. He knows that she can't say no to him. Whether it's good for him or not doesn't fit into the equation. In his eyes that is what love is... Be his minion and put him on a pedestal and you have proven that you love him...
How can that compete with my version of love that says yes I love you but I love and respect myself too. Yes you are special. So are others special too. Yes you have wants and needs. So do others. Yes you have experienced pain. So have others. Yes you deserve a good life... You get my point. I can't compete and I'm not going to try. He can accept my love for what it is or not. A love that sees past right now to a future that could be so much more then burying himself in the fake euphoria that addiction gives him. I use the word euphoria because two nights ago this is what he told me he wanted and what he was looking for.
So the conversation started to get a little heated. He got mad or upset that he is not getting the money that he thinks he should get. Some time ago we signed a room and board contract stating that he would pay me $700 a month because I pay for everything including cloths etc. Disability knows about this contract. I came to this dollar amount by spending considerable time going over the disability website and how they break down their funding. Because he is room and board instead of rent and paying for his own groceries, utilities etc then his payments are $841 instead of 9 something. While living with his Nana they said that he was paying his portion of the rent plus utilities etc so he got a bit more then here. Because it was rent then he got his money at the end of the month for the following month. Here he is room and board which gets paid at the end of the month for that month. You would have to ask disability why they do it this way however he does now have clarification from disability that it works that way so at least we don't have to have that argument anymore.
It clearly states on the disability website that his personal spending amount or money not for basic needs is $119. Do the math. $841 - $119 = $722.
While he was in the shelter the last time I did tell him that I would consider looking at $600 a month instead of $700 IF he was to start buying things for himself like he was supposed to with that money. Not drugs, alcohol, games... Since March 21st we have spent over $200 on him in extras. Not counting McDonald's, Tim Horton's, Chinese food... or the cloths we have gotten him since he loses items while in the shelter system. We have paid for cigarettes for him. I didn't take any money from his disability payment for February and he got the full payment, so that he could buy items for his room.
Givers have to set limits because takers never do...
So no I'm not changing the $700 to $600. Can you guess what followed? The phone call to Nana.
If what you are doing is making an addict happy then chances are you are enabling instead of helping.
Then I'm being asked to talk to Nana and make arrangements. No I'm not talking to Nana and I will not so much as lift a baby finger to help with something that I am dead set against. Considering what has happened in the past, why would I help make that happen again?
My son's case worker from PACT just left...
The kicker is this... Thursday and Friday my son was asking me to help him get his GED (high-school equivalent) because he needs it to work with my husband in construction and he had decided he wanted to do that. Today we were supposed to be looking into either getting him back with the YMCA or into another school that does adult learning.
Nana's intentions may be good and I know are coming from a place of love... When my son pulls on her heartstrings with how much he needs to drink or get high because he is so unhappy, stressed, anxious and there is nothing for him in this world... Will she have the willpower to say no? Will she be able to put aside how much she loves him and how much her heart is breaking for him to make the right decisions? Will she be able keep her home drug and alcohol free even if that means him 'going to the streets' to get it?
My son just admitted to his worker that 30% (I say 60%) of the reason he wants to go live with Nana is because it's easier there and because she won't be able to say no to him...
Today for the first time in a very long time I had trouble getting him to take his medication. He doesn't want to take his Olanzapine any more. Why would he? He is already plotting to get the life that he wants which is addiction and psychosis. Both of those worlds are so much happier for him. It's the collateral damage and who he will take with him when the time comes that I am all to aware of. What if it's my daughter the next time or prey tell some innocent bystander...
Am I calm? Inside I am seething that no matter how hard I try to change the path that two dysfunctional families have set my children on... I feel like I'm losing the battle yet again. Is dysfunctional love better then no love? I don't think so. Without dysfunction one can find healthy love and a better life.
As long as this relationship is part of the picture and my son has the freedom to run away time and time again and hide in his schizophrenia and addiction... For my own life and sanity I have to learn to accept and let go. Maybe send another prayer to Donna, my mom in heaven, to once again watch over her first born grandson and if possible interfere so that I can give him the future he deserves.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
I'm doing my best to learn to let go of things that I can't change or have no control over. My hubby: "Yes but I have seen you, when you put your mind to it, and you do have control and you are able to stop it." Yes but only for a little while... It's raining outside. I can stand under an umbrella but eventually I'm going to get wet. I'm just putting off the inevitable.
I recently purchased a book: Behind the Wall. Click on the book title and it will take you to it. I have barely started the first chapter and already I have felt a connection with the writers and the families they are writing about. In the preface something stood out for me:
"No parent, for example, ever wants to admit there are times when one secretly wishes her child to precede her in death. No one ever thinks that. But this is not an uncommon or unjustified thought for a parent to have while her child is suffering from a particularly devastating episode related to mental illness."
Widdifield, Mary; Widdifield MA, Elin (2015-03-02). Behind the Wall: The True Story of Mental Illness as Told by Parents (Kindle Locations 175-177). Langdon Street Press. Kindle Edition.
No I'm not secretly wishing my son was dead nor is he going through a bad episode right now. Still the ideal expressed in this quote is somewhere that I have been in the past and most likely where I will be in the future, again...
On Saturday while we were setting up the backyard and my thoughts were wondering as they usually do. I asked my son if financially his Nana and I were the same and I couldn't provide him with the things that I do, would he want to stay with me? Of course his first question was: Why are you broke? ;) Over $30000 in debt but that's not the point... I wasn't really expecting a black or white answer and told him that I was just curious as I don't want our relationship based on my ability to be a bank account to him. I purposely didn't say the word love as I don't think my son feels or reacts to things based on love. Not saying he doesn't feel it however it's secondary to his own needs or wants. Anyways he basically said that he is comfortable with me, Dad and Nana...
I use tinctures or herbs to treat my menopause and keep my hormones regulated. My son knows this. He has tried a tincture in the past for anxiety however abused it so I ended up getting rid of it. Just because they are herbs or natural it doesn't mean that they can be abused without harmful side affects.
Because he is struggling with anxiety most likely due to no alcohol now since Wednesday and he knows that he can't get any benzos prescribed, he is looking for another means to self-medicate. I have told him that I'm willing to work with him on things like this to help him with withdrawal and anxiety however he is not going to find the relief he is seeking through a supplement. He says that is not looking for benzo relief however I know better. So we tried a tincture... Yesterday he tells me that it isn't working and asked if we can try another one. Tinctures are not cheap. They range from $20-$50 CAD a bottle.
What do you think preceding me saying no to another tincture? Maybe it would be best if I lived with Nana. That was the agreement anyways that after 6 months I could do that...
It wasn't my agreement and still isn't. This is from when my son was in the shelter the last time and as best that I can tell the agreement was that after 6 months of my son being in a group home and participating in addiction recovery that his Nana would start saving money for him to go out there.
All fine and dandy... What does this mean for my son though? It means he doesn't have to put forth any effort into managing his own life or trying to get better because Nana is waiting in the wings and life with Nana is certainly a lot easier then life with me. I have rules. I have boundaries. He can't manipulate me the way he manipulates her.
My love for him is different. It can see past his feel sorry for me manipulations and half truths that schizophrenia and mostly addiction allows him to speak without so much as batting an eye... Getting what he thinks he deserves is his priority and what others go through to make this happen doesn't matter to him. He knows that Nana would give up anything to give him what he wants. He knows that she can't say no to him. Whether it's good for him or not doesn't fit into the equation. In his eyes that is what love is... Be his minion and put him on a pedestal and you have proven that you love him...
How can that compete with my version of love that says yes I love you but I love and respect myself too. Yes you are special. So are others special too. Yes you have wants and needs. So do others. Yes you have experienced pain. So have others. Yes you deserve a good life... You get my point. I can't compete and I'm not going to try. He can accept my love for what it is or not. A love that sees past right now to a future that could be so much more then burying himself in the fake euphoria that addiction gives him. I use the word euphoria because two nights ago this is what he told me he wanted and what he was looking for.
So the conversation started to get a little heated. He got mad or upset that he is not getting the money that he thinks he should get. Some time ago we signed a room and board contract stating that he would pay me $700 a month because I pay for everything including cloths etc. Disability knows about this contract. I came to this dollar amount by spending considerable time going over the disability website and how they break down their funding. Because he is room and board instead of rent and paying for his own groceries, utilities etc then his payments are $841 instead of 9 something. While living with his Nana they said that he was paying his portion of the rent plus utilities etc so he got a bit more then here. Because it was rent then he got his money at the end of the month for the following month. Here he is room and board which gets paid at the end of the month for that month. You would have to ask disability why they do it this way however he does now have clarification from disability that it works that way so at least we don't have to have that argument anymore.
It clearly states on the disability website that his personal spending amount or money not for basic needs is $119. Do the math. $841 - $119 = $722.
While he was in the shelter the last time I did tell him that I would consider looking at $600 a month instead of $700 IF he was to start buying things for himself like he was supposed to with that money. Not drugs, alcohol, games... Since March 21st we have spent over $200 on him in extras. Not counting McDonald's, Tim Horton's, Chinese food... or the cloths we have gotten him since he loses items while in the shelter system. We have paid for cigarettes for him. I didn't take any money from his disability payment for February and he got the full payment, so that he could buy items for his room.
Givers have to set limits because takers never do...
So no I'm not changing the $700 to $600. Can you guess what followed? The phone call to Nana.
If what you are doing is making an addict happy then chances are you are enabling instead of helping.
Then I'm being asked to talk to Nana and make arrangements. No I'm not talking to Nana and I will not so much as lift a baby finger to help with something that I am dead set against. Considering what has happened in the past, why would I help make that happen again?
My son's case worker from PACT just left...
The kicker is this... Thursday and Friday my son was asking me to help him get his GED (high-school equivalent) because he needs it to work with my husband in construction and he had decided he wanted to do that. Today we were supposed to be looking into either getting him back with the YMCA or into another school that does adult learning.
Nana's intentions may be good and I know are coming from a place of love... When my son pulls on her heartstrings with how much he needs to drink or get high because he is so unhappy, stressed, anxious and there is nothing for him in this world... Will she have the willpower to say no? Will she be able to put aside how much she loves him and how much her heart is breaking for him to make the right decisions? Will she be able keep her home drug and alcohol free even if that means him 'going to the streets' to get it?
My son just admitted to his worker that 30% (I say 60%) of the reason he wants to go live with Nana is because it's easier there and because she won't be able to say no to him...
Today for the first time in a very long time I had trouble getting him to take his medication. He doesn't want to take his Olanzapine any more. Why would he? He is already plotting to get the life that he wants which is addiction and psychosis. Both of those worlds are so much happier for him. It's the collateral damage and who he will take with him when the time comes that I am all to aware of. What if it's my daughter the next time or prey tell some innocent bystander...
Am I calm? Inside I am seething that no matter how hard I try to change the path that two dysfunctional families have set my children on... I feel like I'm losing the battle yet again. Is dysfunctional love better then no love? I don't think so. Without dysfunction one can find healthy love and a better life.
As long as this relationship is part of the picture and my son has the freedom to run away time and time again and hide in his schizophrenia and addiction... For my own life and sanity I have to learn to accept and let go. Maybe send another prayer to Donna, my mom in heaven, to once again watch over her first born grandson and if possible interfere so that I can give him the future he deserves.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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