Thursday, June 18, 2015

Rockin' the Boat, A Mustang & Several Cans of Worms.

Yesterday I had such a great day! Seriously it was all good. Tuesday I got hit with major sedation from my antidepressants. I'm guessing due to it having build up in my system. Yesterday I woke up with the urge to do things... By 9 AM I was already thinking about the things I wanted to make/bake. I made beef jerky, cookies, bread, cheese crackers and tried a new rice recipe for dinner. Cleaned the fridge and did some rearranging in the kitchen. Monday I spent several hours vacuuming and de-cob-webbing our unfinished basement. I knew then that my antidepressants were doing their thing ;).

Last night my son decided to throw a wrench in things. Out of the blue he doesn't need/want his Olanzapine. It's time to try and go off them... Because barely a month of regaining some stability is long enough, I guess.

I'm sitting here trying really hard not to be pissed. For the past 3-4 weeks both myself and my hubby have been nothing but supportive and understanding. I have been patiently cleaning up his messes. Spending quality time with him doing things like messaging and scratching his back, brushing his hair, filing his nails, cuddling and even flossing his teeth. Yup you read that right. His teeth are mess. When the ashtray in the back yard, that is only 3 feet away from him, is to far away; that's ok, I take it too him. I have picking up his garbage, hosing down the yard due to his spitting... What do I ask for in return? Not very much. Perhaps that is the problem. I have been expecting way too little. In my quest to be understanding I am making things way to easy for him, again.

In my last blog post I mentioned him smoking in his room. Another thing that I have been very patient about. I have not yelled at him. I have said very little actually unless I catch him doing it. I have been keeping an eye out and finding what he uses for ashtrays when I can so that I can 'remind him' that there is no smoking in his room. A couple of times I have found the cups or containers that he uses and have removed them. For the past couple of days I haven't been able to find anything. Smart little bugger he is... He forgot this morning to put the lid back on the peanut can that he has been using. The one I thought was full of peanuts. It was full of cigarette butts.

Last weekend hubby got my son another carton of cigarettes as he has gone through 3 cartoons in just over 2 weeks. Of course smoking in his room means that he is smoking even more.

My son agreed last night to take his Olanzapine this morning... Yes as I'm sure you guessed, so far that has not happened. After I found the 'peanut can', I was thinking to myself: 'Do I really want to rock the boat and bring it up?'; as I didn't want to trigger his ODD defiance and cause him to not take the Olanzapine. Honestly what am I thinking... I'm not triggering his ODD. I'm not rockin' the boat... He is. I'm the one 'walking on eggshells' to not rock it and to what end?

I let him know this morning that if he isn't going to take the Olanzapine then he needs to call his nurse and let him know and discuss upping his Invega from 6 mg to 9 mg. Can I do it for him since I'm the one that seems to have a problem with this. Yes I absolutely have a problem with him going into psychosis, losing touch with reality and possibly one of us getting hurt. I can't hold him accountable for symptoms that he has no control over however he can be accountable for making choices that are going to cause a re-emergence of these symptoms. If he is going to make these decisions then he needs to be responsible for them and letting his treatment team know.

I also put away the rest of the carton of cigarettes that my hubby just got and let him know that I will give him a pack a day and they need to stay downstairs, not in his bedroom. Enough is enough. If hubby and I can smoke outside or in the basement then Michael can too and he is just going to have to figure that one out. I wonder how many times I have typed 'enough is enough'. Probably not enough ;) and certainly I need to have better follow through on these things or my son will just continue to break the rules with no consequences.

Ah yes the mustang. Hubby seems to be going through a phase. I feel a bit bad. I know how much he wants one and I won't tell him that he can't have one. He is the one earning a pay check after all. We did take one out for a test drive...

I'm not much for knowing about cars... She does look and sound nice though. Certainly suits hubby. It doesn't suit anything else though. The back seat was very cramped and he would lose a lot of functionality in the front as well. If it was just hubby and I, there would have been zero questions and we probably would have purchased it.

Hubby texted me this morning that one of the credit cards didn't work. I haven't been keeping close tabs on our accounts over the last week. Not that it would have mattered as some things came up that needed to be attended to. Hubby is now completely in debt in his name ;) Actually he has no more credit left and his bank account is in overdraft. Oops.

I hadn't heard from my daughter for a couple of days. Never a good thing. If she doesn't call me on the way to work, then she probably isn't working. She called me last night. She lost her painting job. That was coming and I'm surprised it took that long. She has issues with getting to work on time and having enough bus money to even get to work. She refuses to ask me for help unless it's absolutely necessary. Both hubby and I gave her some 'loving advice' on asking me for help. Regardless of where we are at financially we will gladly help her with getting a bus pass for the month. Same with getting to the doctor for a bladder infection that she has had for a long time now. She doesn't have money for the prescription. Get to the doctor and let me know how much it will cost. Good lord... She is struggling to be independent and to be strong. She is struggling to pay her rent, she is struggling to even take care of herself properly and she isn't succeeding. She needs to come home because she is taking on the responsibility of way to much and to many people where she is.

I meet with my worker at ADAPT on Tuesday. Still doing intake or background information. She asked me about complicated relationships. Haha! All of them! Some I have let go to the wayside as I really don't need them. Some are a little harder as I can't walk away from them. I have an idea of which ones play on me the most as they are the ones that my negative thoughts are on loop about and part of the reason I'm on Venlafaxine.  To stop that negative loop that I dislike and I seem to have little control over lately. There is no closure or resolution.

I'm grateful and already this lady has helped me on two occasions with helping me to see what I was missing. Once regarding my husband and on Tuesday. She commented that my feelings on one relationship seemed to be motivated by fear. I know that my anger is usually fueled by something else. Hurt feelings and betrayal are the normal culprits and still do play a part however I completely overlooked fear. She was right. Fear of the damage that it has caused and continues to cause, on occasion. Damage that I have so little control over. I can usually put things behind me however I'm having trouble with this one. To the point where I'm on guard because I feel I have to be or I could easily lose my cool again. I don't like doing that.

Last weekend hubby and I found a store that sells semi-permanent titanium or grey hair dye. I have been looking for silver but no luck so far. As I have been watching my grey slowly grow in, I have been liking it. Hubby says he likes it too. So I want to highlight it with grey. I would do it myself but I don't think I could manage seeing to pull my hair through every second row of the cap.

I think I'm going to try printing my resume and taking it over to the pet store that is just around the corner. I held off as my son was interested for all of what, 24 hours... I'm no way comfortable with the idea of working full time right now as my poor home would be in shambles but part-time. I was excited a couple of weeks ago about another work from home opportunity however after looking into some reviews it appeared to be mostly another scam where you pay a lot of fees with little to no guarantee of work.

Michael has been attending the group meetings through PACT for the past 3 weeks. Thought I would throw that in there!

My quit date for quitting smoking is this weekend. Wish me luck!


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  1. Wow, you hit on so many things that I'm going through right now. I woke up this morning just so tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally. So much going on that I can't even sort it all out. Therapy for myself has been a theme going through my head lately. I really need to stop thinking about it and just do it.
    My son just told me he has been using another harder drug, as if smoking dope wasn't bad enough. He's mad at his pdoc for not giving him ambien, she prescribed trazodone, and it's not working fast enough for his liking. (It's only been 2 days.) He's says he's not going back to the doctor. Delusional thinking is back. His pdoc is leaving, they are on a year rotation, and new one isn't there yet. Terrible gap at the wrong time. Thanks UVa. Ugh, a year of pretty good stability, we've been lucky.
    Son says he's quitting his job, thankfully he's on disability. Since I won't be running him back and forth maybe I can go for pt job, get our finances a little more stable.
    Best of luck with the quitting smoking, I mean that in a good way. Strong woman. Are you going cold turkey, or are you using a patch, etc to help. Really interested to know, up to 1&1/2 a day here, I need to quit!

    1. Therapy has been on my mind for awhile too. I'm so glad I finally started. To have someone listen to me, about me. For so long now everything has been about my son. Almost every conversation or decision is centered around what's best for him. To have someone listen to me and validate my feelings is such a relief. We listen to our children. We listen to other's regarding them. We listen to doctor's and treatment teams. But who actually takes the time to listen to us about our feelings, about what's important to us?

      I'm sorry your son has moved on to a harder drug. My son's treatment team won't prescribe ambien either. I won't allow benzos in my home as all they do is make him worse anyways. It's hard when the medications are not giving the relief they are looking for so they seek it elsewhere. Look into Neurontin/Gabapentin. It's an anti-seizure I do belief however it has given my son fairly quick relief from anxiety in the past. The problem with it is that you can gain a tolerance quickly.

      Through ADAPT I'm able to participate in a program called STOP for quitting smoking. They have provided me with the patch and lozenges.

      I know it's hard to take time for yourself however it's necessary. We didn't stop being important individuals in our own right when we had kids. We are important too.

      I hope your son finds some relief in the trazadone soon. Barbie

  2. I haven't been back here for a while. It's funny, because just today I was thinking it has been a long time since anyone asked me how I am doing, or what can they do to help. K turned in his 2 weeks at work last Sunday. Seems this is his "source", and he wants to distance himself. Anyway, that will actually be a prime time for me to go to sign up for therapy, no more taxiing back and forth 5x a week.
    K's pdoc is through the University here, and they are rotated yearly. New one starts next month, but son is still saying he's not going back. I'm hoping this new one is willing to listen, just in case I can talk K into going back. I'm familiar with Gabapentin, so I'll bring that up. They were talking of upping his Olanzapine, he's at 20 mg right now.
    By the way, I've seen so many of your posts about LEAP, and I FINALLY got the book! Started reading it as soon as I got it. Thanks for bringing attention to it.