Tis the season. Merry Christmas!

Firstly I would like to wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

All I can think is wow what a year and I can't wait for it to be over...

At church I had my eyes opened to a word that I never really thought about before other then seeing it in the stores on advent calendars. You know the ones with little chocolates in it to countdown the days until Christmas. Well advent is the 4 weeks leading up to the celebration of the birth of Jesus.

I'm sure a lot has questioned the timing of this as I think most of us realize that Jesus wasn't born at Christmas. He was born sometime between March and October. While our calendars date the start of a new year in January... That was not always the case. Spring is the beginning. A time of renewal.

I seriously love Christmas! The last couple of years have been harder to celebrate and this year... I'm going to do my best to celebrate from the point of advent. A time to slow down and enjoy. A time of being grateful for what I do have. Yes a lot easier said than done.

We are pretty much settled into our new 'little' home. A lot to learn and a lot to not take for granted. Water, plumping, sewer, heating, condensation and cooking in a propane oven. All of it needs to be paid attention to and not taken for granted. I've pretty much got the timing of emptying our holding tanks figured out. Getting condensation in my closet and cupboards under control. Showering... Another adjustment on time and water management. Now it's trying to figure out how to cut down on drafts and better heat the place.

When it's just me and hubby here it's not so bad when it comes to lack of room. Add my son and sometimes my daughter and grandson. It gets a little tight. I feel bad when I tell my daughter no to babysitting however spending the day keeping the little one out of or away from my son and his 'mess' is not something one can look forward too. ;)

My son asked last night if he can half move in. He is going off of disability and the group home wants him to pay out of pocket more than what disability covered. I would have to agree with him that staying there wouldn't make sense. I have on occasion tried to look for housing for him. He's supposed to be getting help with this however I guess no one is having any luck with it.

Almost a month ago hubby had a mild stroke. He's gone off medications that he was taking to help stabilize his moods. Between that and his loss of feeling and functioning in his right side, it's hard for him to move around in such little space. Add my son who is in and out a lot of the night which keeps the trailer rocking and disturbing his sleep.

The doctor put hubby on blood pressure and cholesterol medications. His blood pressure is now the best it's been in years so that's a good thing. He's finally not bulking at me trying to put us on a better diet of less salt, sugar and just overall more healthy. Struggling to get used to his CPAP machine for sleep apnea. He needs to get used to it though as sleep apnea causes lack of oxygen to the brain therefore causing more stress on the body and therefor raising blood pressure.

Where am I at with all this? Most days struggling. A couple of times I've been all gung-ho about going back to work. Honestly a part of me is so looking forward to getting back out there around people and helping to financially support us. Okay... Just planning getting out of here. I feel stifled.

Each time I start something happens that makes me rethink what I'm doing. Aside for all the rest I'm in the beginning stages of menopause. Possible about to go fully menopausal. My normal cycle is every 21 days. Yup twice a month. I went 4-5 months where I only had 3. Great right! I started looking for work and ended up with 2 last month. Not so great as they hit me hard and heavy. Spent days fighting off a migraine.

Even if I didn't have to worry about that... Guess who does and takes care of pretty much everything? Am I supposed to work and come home and take care of everything at home too? I'm not even sure at this point how capable he is to cook for himself.

Edit: Section removed due to privacy reasons.

I guess the next decision we have to make is whether to let my son stay here from Monday to Friday every week. Last week we had discussed cutting it down a day.

Oh well... If any of my readers want to pray for us I would greatly appreciate it!

I probably won't blog again until the new year. Hopefully it will be with good news that at least his pension is sorted out!

Ohhh I felt my grandaughter move!

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Loss and Life Changes

It's been a month of changes that are still in the process of happening.

A month ago we lost my son-in-law to an unfortunate accident which set the wheels in motion for a lot of changes for all of us.

I am no longer Nanny to my grandson as he is now in daycare. He has adjusted wonderfully to the change. It's taking me a little more time however I'm getting there.

My daughter is about to start a new journey of being on her own, in her own place. She is also expecting a little girl in February. I'm going to have a granddaughter!

Hubby and I had to make some difficult choices on what to do next as we were in a bit of bind on where to go. Financially it was a pretty bad year for us so we didn't appear to have many options or resources available to us. With some nudging on my hubby's part we looked into the idea of buying a year round trailer to live in. With God's help and a lot of praying we got financing for a used fifth wheel RV.

Hubby applied for his pension just over a month ago and we are currently waiting for that to start paying. Praying we get the paperwork in the mail soon so that we have an income coming in. I'm looking into going back to work so that hubby doesn't have to. The next month will be a bit of juggling until things get straightened out.

The church that we belong to has been a great source of strength and help. Sometimes it's hard to not feel alone however with my faith in God and the people from church coming together in our time of need, it has been an uplifting experience of hope.

The next week or so will be us going through everything we own as we have to downsize a lot. The RV is fully furnished with not a lot of storage space so it's time to 'clean house'.

My son is doing great. I sometimes smile at the realization that he is the least of my concerns and handling his own life pretty good. He's being med compliant and even following through on his own with making calls etc to get his blood work done. I warned him last night that he may not want to visit me next week as I probably won't have any internet. He still wants to come.

I would have to check the date however I'm a year clean sometime this month! Yah me!

Until next time...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Mocktails and an empty nest

Yesterday I tried making a mocktail, a non-alcoholic version of a typically alcoholic beverage. Of course in my typical fashion of not thinking ahead and just going with an idea, I had no ice... Still hubby and I enjoyed a virgin pina-colada. There is now an ice cube tray in the freezer :)

It's been awhile since hubby and I went alcohol free. It's certainly a different life style. One that can have an impact even though you don't realize it. There is no going for a drink with the boys after work. No hanging out to have a beer. No weekend cocktails and cards. But see that is where I am trying to make the change. Yes we can have weekend mocktails and we can enjoy them in the backyard and we can try to learn to do the things that we did while drinking, sober.

I can't say I particularly enjoyed playing darts but I played. My hubby and his brother enjoyed playing... or they enjoyed drinking with something to do while doing it ;). I want us to enjoy playing darts. I want summer evenings in the backyard.

I noticed something one day last week when hubby and I sat down for dinner. We have been together for almost 5 years yet we have had little time with just the 2 of us. There is usually someone else there or even if they aren't right there, around. Now it's just us. It's a good thing. Not that I'm expecting it to last forever.

I did go see my doctor last Monday. I totally forgot to ask for blood work to be done or to discuss my weight. I did weigh myself while there and I'm not losing anymore, in fact, I'm slowly gaining so I will see how it goes now that some other things are back on track. I got my Venlafaxine refilled. I'm back on my tinctures for my menopause. I am now quitting smoking with just the lozenges once or twice a day. Every time I put on a patch, even the lowest dosage, all if it came flooding back. Ears ringing, dizziness, heart pounding... My doctor said it certainly sounded like the patch was causing it and that if I find wearing it too much then I can't use them. Like I told hubby last night, I guess I had better make this time the last time quitting as I'm running out of options on quit-smoking aids.

The dizziness is still there. Not sure what is causing it. I'm wondering if I'm not eating enough. It's not nearly as bad as it was. Part of it could be being back on my medication and readjusting. I will give it some time. I have to make a follow up appointment before I can get my antidepressants refilled so if I'm still experiencing dizziness etc than I will request some blood work and my female exam.

Work is going good. I worked this Sunday as my boss wanted to see if we would get a good response. I did contact those who asked to be called on Sunday or people that I was having trouble getting a hold of during the week due to working. I haven't gotten paid yet which I'm hoping will happen soon.

Last Monday my son called to tell me that he contacted disability and it was too late for them to adjust this payment so the normal room and board amount would come to me and that I owe him back half of it. I owe him... So yeah... I usually put that payment towards half of the rent.

My son has called here and there. Every time to ask for something. Can we go camping (he is supposed to be paying for this). Can I take him to the grocery store for treats. Can I loan him money for cigarettes and take it out of the money I owe him. He already owes me for a carton of smokes. Yesterday he called saying he really wanted a cigarette. I don't smoke anymore so no sympathy from me for that.

In fact I told him that I'm not going to feel sorry for him. He's getting enough of that already. Whenever I point out to him why he is where he is, he ends the call. That isn't schizophrenia. He knows what happened and doesn't want to take responsibility for his choices. This is the closest he has come to being held responsible.

As always.. what to do... I don't know. I can buy him things now and by the time I get the payment there will be little money left to give him. IF he is getting a plane ticket...

Amazing sometimes how little some things change. He won't accept the right kind of help here if he has the opportunity to run away again. I guess time will tell what is happening there because I don't know what his plans are.

Today I'm planning to try a recipe for granola bars. I'm hoping to find a healthier snack for hubby at work. I might also try finding a recipe I can work with for a multi-grain bread.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Ashes! Ashes! We all fall down.

I don't have a lot of time before I start work however I felt like doing a quick blog post.

I think I have referenced the above nursery rhyme before. Sadly it's one of those cycles that we/I seem to keep getting caught in. I keep saying that I don't want to play this game anymore. It seems the only way I can make that happen is to quite literally remove myself or as I did on Wednesday, remove my son.

He did end up going to the liquor store and got 4 bottles of alcohol. A nice variety: vodka, southern comfort, fireball whiskey and sour puss liquor. I had no idea. I began to get an idea however when I asked him to clean up his mess in the kitchen and got threatened with being hit and he tossed his candy all over the kitchen counter and floor. A little while later I looked into the back yard and he was lying there with an almost empty bottle of sour suss beside him. That got tossed right away. He didn't seem concerned about it. Why would he be? He had 3 more bottles to go.

I sat at my desk and asked myself if I was prepared and willing to do what I wanted to do next. Yes. I called the police. Like I explained to the lady on the phone, I really didn't feel like I had many, if any, options left. At the rate he was going there was a big chance I would be calling the police soon if not that day anyways and the outcome probably wouldn't have been very pretty.

They attended. One of them was periodically an idiot in my opinion. When I told him that there was open alcohol stashed on the grounds he didn't seem that interested in doing anything about it. Or should I say motivated to actually walk his ass anywhere to find it. There was kids around playing. I let him know that if a kid got into it then it was on his head. I still don't get how it's not his job to enforce the law of no open alcohol in public or drinking in public. But hey...

My son at this point was quit intoxicated which was very clear by his face and speech. After I removed the sour puss, I'm guessing he went for the vodka since I still haven't found that bottle. He insisted on lying to me and the police when asked about the alcohol. By the way, I have the liquor store receipt from that morning which I found stashed behind his TV stand.

I stood there, looking at the officers, managing to hold my cool and my emotions, while they asked me what it is that I wanted them to do. Did I want him removed from the home. Since he wasn't at that moment being violent... Gotta love the system! Can't prevent violence only get involved once it happens. Call them back if he does get violent with me.

Of course my son is saying there is no more alcohol which was a lie. He is saying he is done drinking for now. I'm standing there... Thinking to myself I have done what I can do. I have asked anyone that I could think of to ask for advise on what I was supposed to do and handle this type of situation. It was up to me if I wanted to call in the police. Well I took that step and I stood behind it. I asked them to remove him from the home.

They did. I do believe he got charged a fine of some sort for being intoxicated in public then he was released to the shelter once he was sober enough I guess for them to accept him.

Now it's Friday and I have heard from him a couple of times. Asking for a ride to get smokes since he didn't want to spend all of his money on expensive cigarettes. Asking for money for a plane ticket back out to British Columbia. And of course there is the fact that I will owe him money at the end of the month when I receive the room and board portion of his disability payment.

Money, money, money...

I haven't heard from anyone else which tells me a lot. Having been through this as many times as I have been, the quieter it is and the less I'm hearing from people, pretty much tells me what I need to know.

My daughter called me on Wednesday asking what happened. I love her dearly but she can be pretty transparent. She has this way of asking... It's not her asking. I try really hard not to react because none of this is on her. Still it's hard when she wants to get in the middle when she has no idea what is going on or what I have been dealing with. She asked if I was prepared for him going back out there and commented that she guessed she was going to have to get another job. Isn't it awesome that an 19 year old is going to try to financially help take on the responsibility of 2 adults that are older then her.

My only response is for them to do whatever they feel is necessary. Please don't call me for money. I just sent her money because she said she didn't have money for personal hygiene products and cigarettes until pay day. It looks like I have some more boundary setting ahead of me.

Yesterday I had a shower that I actually enjoyed. I didn't even realize until I was in the shower that it's been months since I had a shower and relaxed in it. Always having my guard up, my listening ears on and making sure my purse or anything else of consequence was hopefully in a safe place.

I cleaned up the back yard. I have been avoiding it because my son has been treating it like a garbage can and I was constantly picking up garbage and cleaning up spit etc.

I have been going to bed and leaving my purse in the living room.

There is a part of me that is honestly reveling in the freedom of being able to enjoy and relax in my own home. I can breathe. Hubby and I can spend time in the living room together. We have been going to bed right after dinner lately because it was easier. I can work without worrying about paying attention to what my son was doing or having to stop to clean up his vomit or making sure he wasn't masturbating again out front. What can I say... Yes it feels good.

The mom in me however is make no mistake about it, heart-broken.

I just don't want to fall down anymore.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I'm alright.

Two blog posts in one week. Don't you feel lucky? ;)

I was talking to my son's case worker at PACT this morning and she asked me if I was alright then commented that I sound stronger then I ever have. Yes I am alright. As matter of fact I'm good for the first time in a long time.

I had my counselling session yesterday with ADAPT. We discussed my job and how I'm handling and balancing everything with my not smoking, my son, my hubby etc. I'm adjusting and settling into a good routine.

My son is a different story. He isn't adjusting. He isn't anything except digging himself deeper into alcohol and therefor schizophrenia.

I found out Monday morning that he had called dial-a-bottle to deliver his alcohol. He did this last Thursday. So he was drinking alcohol in his room, hiding it from me, knowing that I had no clue because he hadn't gone anywhere on his bike. He got 3 bottles, which was gone by Monday morning. He also tried to call them early Monday morning.

He no longer has cell phone service. It's his phone but the service I was paying for. He came to me asking for it back that he wanted to call his Nana. I offered him my phone that he can use that whenever he wants. Did he want my phone to call her? His answer was no. Of course not. He really didn't want it for that reason. He wanted it back to call dial-a-bottle.

I'm not sure why he hasn't gone to the liquor store on his bike yet. He has had money since Monday. He received a direct deposit from the government for around $300. He also discovered money from them on Thursday that he didn't tell me about since it was used for alcohol that he was hiding from me. I'm questioning if the liquor store has refused to serve him. He says no.

I tried talking to him this morning about him going to an addiction treatment center. He doesn't have a problem and it's not impacting his life... The only problem is my problem. My problem is with all my house rules being broken and not being shown any respect.

I called his case worker to find out where his applications for housing are at.

As time goes by and reach new steps in acceptance than I'm more and more reaching a point where I have to acknowledge that I can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. The more I give the more I'm cushioning him from the consequences of his own actions.

However I guess what it really boils down to is where I'm at. I'm in counselling for myself. I have quit smoking. I am now working. Hubby just quit smoking too. He also started a new medication to help with some side affects from his other medications. We are trying to build a life. A good life. A healthy life.

I know my boundaries and I know what is good for me and what isn't. I keep letting them slip and get pushed aside because he is my son and I love him. As I act from a place of love, he acts from a place of addiction. Of self-centered I want and I should be able to have because I want...

Okay...

I'm ready for the next step. I'm ready to accept the consequences of the choices I want to make for my life because I want a better life and I deserve a better life. If my son wants the life that he is choosing then all I can say at this point is ok. Go and get it.

I thought I had more time to write this blog however someone regarding work called and now I have to start work in 10 minutes.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I have a job! I think... They are back!

It feels like forever since I last blogged and it's only been a week. What a week. I think for the first time in years I can say that I'm glad it's Sunday! So unless you're my daughter, my husband or an emergency, chances are I will not be answering my phone today.

Hubby has been teasing me because I'm usually the one commenting that we go to bed too early and since Wednesday I have been asking him to come to bed anytime after 7. My insomnia certainly hasn't been an issue lately. ;) I've been exhausted. A good exhausted though.

I was put in touch with someone regarding a work from home opportunity. On June 29 I received a call asking if I was available for training that night. Yes! The job itself is fairly easy. It's pre-screening callers to see if they qualify. I had heard the term inside sales before however I wasn't sure exactly what it meant. Now I know. Well at least from this company's perspective. There have been a couple of bumpy spots as I try to learn the system and what is expected of me. Still not completely sure of what is expected of me time wise but that's ok. I still have tons of questions that haven't been answered. Hopefully in time the answers will come. As I learn more about how it works the more confident I feel doing the work. The reason I say I think I have a job is because it hasn't really been confirmed. I guess we could call this my probationary period.

For the past week I have been mentally all in, trying to learn the ropes. I think I'm getting the hang of it pretty good. I know that I can be a little slow getting started. Ask my old bosses! ;) However once I have something, you can usually count on me to carry through and go the extra mile. Tell me what you need and I will do my best to accommodate. If you don't tell me... Well I will give you what I think you need and hope for the best. Which is what I'm currently doing.

So yes bed looks and feels really good now! It feels good to go to bed tired. A good tired. Not like when I go to bed exhausted from butting heads, with no end in sight, with schizophrenia, addiction and all it entails. That exhaustion is grueling and wearing on the soul.

I'm afraid I have nothing good to report on my son. His Invega still has not been upped. His case worker dropped off his weekly medication pack on Friday stating that his nurse has not been in so nothing has been done. Awesome!

Tuesday he got his disability money. Of course that meant a trip to the liquor store for vodka. Hubby did take him to buy cigarettes first. He got 2 cartons. One of them is almost gone. He has missed taking his medications twice. Once he argued with me that he had taken them, that I had given him his medications twice that night. Wednesday he wouldn't take them because of the alcohol he had drank. Saying it would make him sick. I don't know if he still has alcohol left. He bought two bottles and so far I have only seen one bottle in the garbage. He hasn't been out to his 'secret spot' that I'm aware of for the past two days. I don't know if it's because he has forgotten or just doesn't want to. Or the ever present possibility that he has snuck it into his room.

I did give him back the internet however I let him know that it's dependent on me finding out that he is smoking in his room or not. I think he is a little bit however not like he was. I know this because I'm hearing him come in and out all hours of the night.

Yesterday he stressed me out. I was working and he was sitting out front. Our front porch is part of one of the court yards where all the kids play and hang out. I happened to look out... Thank goodness he was wrapped in a blanket but what he was doing was obvious. I quickly went out and stopped or interrupted him and told him to get inside. Of course his answer was no that he was done now. Thankfully there was no kids out there when I went out. I'm really hoping that there wasn't before hand. :( Yes I freaked a little bit. But only a little bit. I let him know that that was not acceptable and that there are children playing and if a parent or child sees him doing that that they can call the police for doing indecent acts in public. I sincerely hope that no one else saw. Mental illness or not I don't think that having schizophrenia excuses that type of behavior and honestly I think his drinking is contributing to this behavior more then psychosis.

Speaking of that. Lately that is another thing that he has been trying to do. Blame schizophrenia. I have schizophrenia so it's not my fault that I'm smoking in my room. It's schizophrenia's fault that I kicked your bedroom door. Take me for a ride as it would really help my psychosis... Even he couldn't keep a straight face for long when I responded with: Good one.

It seems he kicked my bedroom door when I thought he punched it the second time. No memory lapses here. He remembers, just feels justified in doing it. Gucci our poor cat is now freaked out by him. She totally freaked when he did this. I have never seen her act like that. She hid behind the sofa for most of the night that night. Now even if she is relaxing on my bed with me and she hears him on the steps, she tenses and is ready to flee. She won't eat if he is around. I have noticed that she isn't sleeping with me the same. A couple of times I have found her sleeping on my chair downstairs which is new. Perhaps she feels trapped upstairs when he is up there.

The fruit flies are back! Yippee! I haven't been in my son's room much over the past week. After I cleaned it the last time I have pretty much avoided it. I know he is making a mess in there and honestly I just couldn't have cared a less. It seems pointless sometimes to even try and keep it neat or clean. I should have clued in after the last time. But no... I have been noticing them coming back and shaking my head as to why no matter how much I'm keeping the kitchen clean they are still there and in the living room. Last night Michael asked me to scratch his back so I went into his room and moved his garbage can. Yup you guessed it. Fruit flies.

I guess I have some caregiver chores to do today. Hubby had to work today so I'm just enjoying my quiet morning and my Facebook games. Once my son gets up I will 'try' to get him to help me clean his room. Even if that only means him holding the garbage bag ;). I still haven't gotten him in the shower so today is shower day for both of us since I need one too. I noticed my armpits... hmmm yeah. They  never smell. I guess I have been stressing while learning this job more then I thought.

Time for a fresh cup of coffee. Oh yeah. I'm still quit smoking! There was a couple of iffy moments over the past week where I really wanted one but I didn't. I think this job is helping some. It's not part of my routine to smoke while doing it which seems to be helping. Hours will pass where I don't even think about it. When the urge hits I do have nicotine lozenges.

I hope everyone here in Canada enjoyed their July 1st, Canada Day celebrations and that our neighbors to the south in the US enjoyed their July 4th, Independence Day celebrations.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Rockin' the Boat, A Mustang & Several Cans of Worms.

Yesterday I had such a great day! Seriously it was all good. Tuesday I got hit with major sedation from my antidepressants. I'm guessing due to it having build up in my system. Yesterday I woke up with the urge to do things... By 9 AM I was already thinking about the things I wanted to make/bake. I made beef jerky, cookies, bread, cheese crackers and tried a new rice recipe for dinner. Cleaned the fridge and did some rearranging in the kitchen. Monday I spent several hours vacuuming and de-cob-webbing our unfinished basement. I knew then that my antidepressants were doing their thing ;).

Last night my son decided to throw a wrench in things. Out of the blue he doesn't need/want his Olanzapine. It's time to try and go off them... Because barely a month of regaining some stability is long enough, I guess.

I'm sitting here trying really hard not to be pissed. For the past 3-4 weeks both myself and my hubby have been nothing but supportive and understanding. I have been patiently cleaning up his messes. Spending quality time with him doing things like messaging and scratching his back, brushing his hair, filing his nails, cuddling and even flossing his teeth. Yup you read that right. His teeth are mess. When the ashtray in the back yard, that is only 3 feet away from him, is to far away; that's ok, I take it too him. I have picking up his garbage, hosing down the yard due to his spitting... What do I ask for in return? Not very much. Perhaps that is the problem. I have been expecting way too little. In my quest to be understanding I am making things way to easy for him, again.

In my last blog post I mentioned him smoking in his room. Another thing that I have been very patient about. I have not yelled at him. I have said very little actually unless I catch him doing it. I have been keeping an eye out and finding what he uses for ashtrays when I can so that I can 'remind him' that there is no smoking in his room. A couple of times I have found the cups or containers that he uses and have removed them. For the past couple of days I haven't been able to find anything. Smart little bugger he is... He forgot this morning to put the lid back on the peanut can that he has been using. The one I thought was full of peanuts. It was full of cigarette butts.

Last weekend hubby got my son another carton of cigarettes as he has gone through 3 cartoons in just over 2 weeks. Of course smoking in his room means that he is smoking even more.

My son agreed last night to take his Olanzapine this morning... Yes as I'm sure you guessed, so far that has not happened. After I found the 'peanut can', I was thinking to myself: 'Do I really want to rock the boat and bring it up?'; as I didn't want to trigger his ODD defiance and cause him to not take the Olanzapine. Honestly what am I thinking... I'm not triggering his ODD. I'm not rockin' the boat... He is. I'm the one 'walking on eggshells' to not rock it and to what end?

I let him know this morning that if he isn't going to take the Olanzapine then he needs to call his nurse and let him know and discuss upping his Invega from 6 mg to 9 mg. Can I do it for him since I'm the one that seems to have a problem with this. Yes I absolutely have a problem with him going into psychosis, losing touch with reality and possibly one of us getting hurt. I can't hold him accountable for symptoms that he has no control over however he can be accountable for making choices that are going to cause a re-emergence of these symptoms. If he is going to make these decisions then he needs to be responsible for them and letting his treatment team know.

I also put away the rest of the carton of cigarettes that my hubby just got and let him know that I will give him a pack a day and they need to stay downstairs, not in his bedroom. Enough is enough. If hubby and I can smoke outside or in the basement then Michael can too and he is just going to have to figure that one out. I wonder how many times I have typed 'enough is enough'. Probably not enough ;) and certainly I need to have better follow through on these things or my son will just continue to break the rules with no consequences.

Ah yes the mustang. Hubby seems to be going through a phase. I feel a bit bad. I know how much he wants one and I won't tell him that he can't have one. He is the one earning a pay check after all. We did take one out for a test drive...

I'm not much for knowing about cars... She does look and sound nice though. Certainly suits hubby. It doesn't suit anything else though. The back seat was very cramped and he would lose a lot of functionality in the front as well. If it was just hubby and I, there would have been zero questions and we probably would have purchased it.

Hubby texted me this morning that one of the credit cards didn't work. I haven't been keeping close tabs on our accounts over the last week. Not that it would have mattered as some things came up that needed to be attended to. Hubby is now completely in debt in his name ;) Actually he has no more credit left and his bank account is in overdraft. Oops.

I hadn't heard from my daughter for a couple of days. Never a good thing. If she doesn't call me on the way to work, then she probably isn't working. She called me last night. She lost her painting job. That was coming and I'm surprised it took that long. She has issues with getting to work on time and having enough bus money to even get to work. She refuses to ask me for help unless it's absolutely necessary. Both hubby and I gave her some 'loving advice' on asking me for help. Regardless of where we are at financially we will gladly help her with getting a bus pass for the month. Same with getting to the doctor for a bladder infection that she has had for a long time now. She doesn't have money for the prescription. Get to the doctor and let me know how much it will cost. Good lord... She is struggling to be independent and to be strong. She is struggling to pay her rent, she is struggling to even take care of herself properly and she isn't succeeding. She needs to come home because she is taking on the responsibility of way to much and to many people where she is.

I meet with my worker at ADAPT on Tuesday. Still doing intake or background information. She asked me about complicated relationships. Haha! All of them! Some I have let go to the wayside as I really don't need them. Some are a little harder as I can't walk away from them. I have an idea of which ones play on me the most as they are the ones that my negative thoughts are on loop about and part of the reason I'm on Venlafaxine.  To stop that negative loop that I dislike and I seem to have little control over lately. There is no closure or resolution.

I'm grateful and already this lady has helped me on two occasions with helping me to see what I was missing. Once regarding my husband and on Tuesday. She commented that my feelings on one relationship seemed to be motivated by fear. I know that my anger is usually fueled by something else. Hurt feelings and betrayal are the normal culprits and still do play a part however I completely overlooked fear. She was right. Fear of the damage that it has caused and continues to cause, on occasion. Damage that I have so little control over. I can usually put things behind me however I'm having trouble with this one. To the point where I'm on guard because I feel I have to be or I could easily lose my cool again. I don't like doing that.

Last weekend hubby and I found a store that sells semi-permanent titanium or grey hair dye. I have been looking for silver but no luck so far. As I have been watching my grey slowly grow in, I have been liking it. Hubby says he likes it too. So I want to highlight it with grey. I would do it myself but I don't think I could manage seeing to pull my hair through every second row of the cap.

I think I'm going to try printing my resume and taking it over to the pet store that is just around the corner. I held off as my son was interested for all of what, 24 hours... I'm no way comfortable with the idea of working full time right now as my poor home would be in shambles but part-time. I was excited a couple of weeks ago about another work from home opportunity however after looking into some reviews it appeared to be mostly another scam where you pay a lot of fees with little to no guarantee of work.

Michael has been attending the group meetings through PACT for the past 3 weeks. Thought I would throw that in there!

My quit date for quitting smoking is this weekend. Wish me luck!

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

How do you stay so calm? Behind the Wall

This is what my husband asked me last night. "When I hear him talking like that my blood boils. All I can see is it all happening all over again." Yes me too...

I'm doing my best to learn to let go of things that I can't change or have no control over. My hubby: "Yes but I have seen you, when you put your mind to it, and you do have control and you are able to stop it." Yes but only for a little while... It's raining outside. I can stand under an umbrella but eventually I'm going to get wet. I'm just putting off the inevitable.

I recently purchased a book: Behind the Wall. Click on the book title and it will take you to it. I have barely started the first chapter and already I have felt a connection with the writers and the families they are writing about. In the preface something stood out for me:

"No parent, for example, ever wants to admit there are times when one secretly wishes her child to precede her in death. No one ever thinks that. But this is not an uncommon or unjustified thought for a parent to have while her child is suffering from a particularly devastating episode related to mental illness."

Widdifield, Mary; Widdifield MA, Elin (2015-03-02). Behind the Wall: The True Story of Mental Illness as Told by Parents (Kindle Locations 175-177). Langdon Street Press. Kindle Edition.

No I'm not secretly wishing my son was dead nor is he going through a bad episode right now. Still the ideal expressed in this quote is somewhere that I have been in the past and most likely where I will be in the future, again...

On Saturday while we were setting up the backyard and my thoughts were wondering as they usually do. I asked my son if financially his Nana and I were the same and I couldn't provide him with the things that I do, would he want to stay with me? Of course his first question was: Why are you broke? ;) Over $30000 in debt but that's not the point... I wasn't really expecting a black or white answer and told him that I was just curious as I don't want our relationship based on my ability to be a bank account to him. I purposely didn't say the word love as I don't think my son feels or reacts to things based on love. Not saying he doesn't feel it however it's secondary to his own needs or wants. Anyways he basically said that he is comfortable with me, Dad and Nana...

I use tinctures or herbs to treat my menopause and keep my hormones regulated. My son knows this. He has tried a tincture in the past for anxiety however abused it so I ended up getting rid of it. Just because they are herbs or natural it doesn't mean that they can be abused without harmful side affects.

Because he is struggling with anxiety most likely due to no alcohol now since Wednesday and he knows that he can't get any benzos prescribed, he is looking for another means to self-medicate. I have told him that I'm willing to work with him on things like this to help him with withdrawal and anxiety  however he is not going to find the relief he is seeking through a supplement. He says that is not looking for benzo relief however I know better. So we tried a tincture... Yesterday he tells me that it isn't working and asked if we can try another one. Tinctures are not cheap. They range from $20-$50 CAD a bottle.

What do you think preceding me saying no to another tincture? Maybe it would be best if I lived with Nana. That was the agreement anyways that after 6 months I could do that...

It wasn't my agreement and still isn't. This is from when my son was in the shelter the last time and as best that I can tell the agreement was that after 6 months of my son being in a group home and participating in addiction recovery that his Nana would start saving money for him to go out there.

All fine and dandy... What does this mean for my son though? It means he doesn't have to put forth any effort into managing his own life or trying to get better because Nana is waiting in the wings and life with Nana is certainly a lot easier then life with me. I have rules. I have boundaries. He can't manipulate me the way he manipulates her.

My love for him is different. It can see past his feel sorry for me manipulations and half truths that schizophrenia and mostly addiction allows him to speak without so much as batting an eye... Getting what he thinks he deserves is his priority and what others go through to make this happen doesn't matter to him. He knows that Nana would give up anything to give him what he wants. He knows that she can't say no to him. Whether it's good for him or not doesn't fit into the equation. In his eyes that is what love is... Be his minion and put him on a pedestal and you have proven that you love him...

How can that compete with my version of love that says yes I love you but I love and respect myself too. Yes you are special. So are others special too. Yes you have wants and needs. So do others. Yes you have experienced pain. So have others. Yes you deserve a good life... You get my point. I can't compete and I'm not going to try. He can accept my love for what it is or not. A love that sees past right now to a future that could be so much more then burying himself in the fake euphoria that addiction gives him. I use the word euphoria because two nights ago this is what he told me he wanted and what he was looking for.

So the conversation started to get a little heated. He got mad or upset that he is not getting the money that he thinks he should get. Some time ago we signed a room and board contract stating that he would pay me $700 a month because I pay for everything including cloths etc. Disability knows about this contract. I came to this dollar amount by spending considerable time going over the disability website and how they break down their funding. Because he is room and board instead of rent and paying for his own groceries, utilities etc then his payments are $841 instead of 9 something. While living with his Nana they said that he was paying his portion of the rent plus utilities etc so he got a bit more then here. Because it was rent then he got his money at the end of the month for the following month. Here he is room and board which gets paid at the end of the month for that month. You would have to ask disability why they do it this way however he does now have clarification from disability that it works that way so at least we don't have to have that argument anymore.

It clearly states on the disability website that his personal spending amount or money not for basic needs is $119. Do the math. $841 - $119 = $722.

While he was in the shelter the last time I did tell him that I would consider looking at $600 a month instead of $700 IF he was to start buying things for himself like he was supposed to with that money. Not drugs, alcohol, games... Since March 21st we have spent over $200 on him in extras. Not counting McDonald's, Tim Horton's, Chinese food... or the cloths we have gotten him since he loses items while in the shelter system. We have paid for cigarettes for him. I didn't take any money from his disability payment for February and he got the full payment, so that he could buy items for his room.

Givers have to set limits because takers never do...

So no I'm not changing the $700 to $600. Can you guess what followed? The phone call to Nana.

If what you are doing is making an addict happy then chances are you are enabling instead of helping.

Then I'm being asked to talk to Nana and make arrangements. No I'm not talking to Nana and I will not so much as lift a baby finger to help with something that I am dead set against. Considering what has happened in the past, why would I help make that happen again?



My son's case worker from PACT just left...

The kicker is this... Thursday and Friday my son was asking me to help him get his GED (high-school equivalent) because he needs it to work with my husband in construction and he had decided he wanted to do that. Today we were supposed to be looking into either getting him back with the YMCA or into another school that does adult learning.

Nana's intentions may be good and I know are coming from a place of love... When my son pulls on her heartstrings with how much he needs to drink or get high because he is so unhappy, stressed, anxious and there is nothing for him in this world... Will she have the willpower to say no? Will she be able to put aside how much she loves him and how much her heart is breaking for him to make the right decisions? Will she be able keep her home drug and alcohol free even if that means him 'going to the streets' to get it?

My son just admitted to his worker that 30% (I say 60%) of the reason he wants to go live with Nana is because it's easier there and because she won't be able to say no to him...

Today for the first time in a very long time I had trouble getting him to take his medication. He doesn't want to take his Olanzapine any more. Why would he? He is already plotting to get the life that he wants which is addiction and psychosis. Both of those worlds are so much happier for him. It's the collateral damage and who he will take with him when the time comes that I am all to aware of. What if it's my daughter the next time or prey tell some innocent bystander...

Am I calm? Inside I am seething that no matter how hard I try to change the path that two dysfunctional families have set my children on... I feel like I'm losing the battle yet again. Is dysfunctional love better then no love? I don't think so. Without dysfunction one can find healthy love and a better life.

As long as this relationship is part of the picture and my son has the freedom to run away time and time again and hide in his schizophrenia and addiction... For my own life and sanity I have to learn to accept and let go. Maybe send another prayer to Donna, my mom in heaven, to once again watch over her first born grandson and if possible interfere so that I can give him the future he deserves.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

You win some, you lose some.

Monday night and Tuesday was a little rough. Ok a lot rough ;) I did indeed come down with my son's stomach flu. Not nice! Finally starting to feel better.

That good news I mentioned in my last post... Not so good after all. I called up an old boss and he told me to Google employment scams... Sure enough this 'job' meets the requirements. So yah, I came pretty close to being scammed. Sucks too because I was so happy to have the opportunity to 'pull my own weight' and bring in some money. Oh well. Next time!

Knocking on wood didn't keep my son from alcohol for very long. Tuesday was a bottle of hard liquor and Wednesday was a bottle of wine. Yesterday morning he was asking me about the types of demons. Last night he was all negative about life. *sigh* How to help him see what is so obvious... Drinking makes him depressed, anxious and causes his mind to race. As well as triggers his schizophrenia symptoms and delusional thinking.

He has been a little moody? Not as agitated as I have seen him in the past but it's still there. I have been trying to keep an eye on any signs of his ODD acting up. So far there hasn't been much defiance. I don't know if that's him or me trying hard to know when to walk away or just stop talking. He has spent his disability money for the month so there have already been a couple of occasions where he wants to 'discuss' me giving him more money. I let him know that it's his actions that brought us to this point of disability handling his money as they are and that I am not going to protect him from the consequences. I remind him that we have already spent more then the amount he wants, on him. I have been keeping the receipts just in case he ever wants to argue this ;) If the conversation starts to take a turn for the worse and he starts to get angry then I'm doing my best to just not respond. Seems to working. For now anyways. Although it could be the knowledge that he can't run away from home with his whole check anymore that is stopping him from acting out as he has in the past about not getting his own way.

Thursday he had his appointment with ADAPT, addiction services. I was allowed to participate in the meeting. I gave the lady a short history of his alcohol consumption.

Mar 6: 2 bottles
Mar 10: 3 bottles
Mar 16: 2 bottles
Mar 27: 1 bottle
Mar 31: 1 bottle
Apr 7: 1 bottle
Apr 8: Wine

He also gets these little bottles of something else... So in the last month he has drunk over 4000 ml of hard liquor. Reluctantly he is agreeing to give ADAPT a chance so *fingers crossed* some good will come out of this. I'm really hoping that he will listen to someone else about what addiction is and can do to a person and hopefully they can help him...

I booked doctor appointments for me and my son on Thursday. I needed to get my antidepressants refilled and appease hubby that I'm doing ok. I did have to acknowledge yesterday when I had a bath that yeah I have lost weight. The stomach flu didn't help but I do need to put some weight back on. Anyways the doctor said I'm good. I had asked the PACT team to do blood work on my son to make sure his was healthy. I guess I didn't clarify that I wanted this for his family doctor as well to make sure he was healthy not just for organ functions regarding antipsychotic use, so the blood work they had done wasn't what I thought. So my son now has a new blood work requisition that he is agreeing to do 'For mom' he told the doctor ;) so we can check his vitamin etc levels. Once that is done then he will also get a physical done as I brought up my son's wheezing that he is still doing!

My son wants us to set up the backyard. I still don't think its that nice out today but I think I have put him off long enough and tomorrow is supposed to be really nice. So I'm off to the backyard with my son...

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Spring... waiting... waiting...

I was doing my thing on the internet, looked outside and it was snowing! Yuk!

For the past couple of weeks my son keeps asking about camping or going to the park for a picnic. One I'm not camping when it's still going below zero at night and two I'm not picnicking if I need to wear gloves ;) I reminded him that just because he doesn't feel the cold it doesn't mean I don't. Hopefully soon we can start going for picnics again. That is if spring ever actually gets here.

I noticed something today when I was getting dressed. I went down a belt size... Hubby keeps saying how I'm too skinny. It's hard to look at myself objectively that way as for me I'm seeing that I can fit into cloths that used to be tight... He wants to be at my next doctor appointment. I think I'm just eating better. In fact I have had to add eating something for breakfast so that I can take my Venlafaxine. So I eat a bowl of Special K now. For lunch it's usually my crackers with brie cheese, a pepperoni, snap peas and a handful of almonds. Sometimes a mandarin orange. Plus a good dinner. I'm eating less and less junk food. Sometimes just a tiny dish of something while watching our TV shows. So seriously I don't think it's anything to worry about but I will have the doctor check my weight the next time we are there. We don't own a scale so I have no idea what I weight. Also we just did my blood work in February and all was good.

I decided to let my grey hair grow in. I know, big step! I'm tired of having hubby dye it. I'm about 40-50% grey now it seems. I did have hubby highlight it the other day. That was fun! It took him about 2 hours to pull it through the cap. So fingers crossed on what it will look like in a couple of months ;)

Yesterday I heard my son on the phone and asked who he was talking to. He was talking to the bank and updating his information. I asked why? He was seeing if someone could lend him some money. At first I was confused. You asked the bank to lend you money? No I'm trying to get Nana to. Ahh... He wanted $7 for a bottle of alcohol. I think he is still trying since I think he called her today. He will have his disability soon enough to spend on alcohol, unfortunately.

I did talk to him a bit yesterday about alcohol and being unhappy. I even went so far as to talk to him about what some are capable of when their schizophrenia is not being managed properly. He thought it was funny when I told him about someone who is currently in the news for decapitating someone on transit due to psychosis. Inappropriate emotional response... because honestly there is nothing funny about what untreated psychosis can do. And sadly him even drinking alcohol can cancel out the affect of his antipsychotics.

I talked about how addiction is a self-absorbing disease. He agreed that he was self-absorbed and didn't care about anyone except himself. I don't believe that... I do believe that due to addiction and schizophrenia he is not in touch with his emotions however it does not have to be like that. Yes in order to feel love that means that you will also feel pain. That's ok. It's worth it to feel love. And I know that he does feel love. I do see it when he is cuddling with the cat. I feel it when he hugs me back. He is just a little lost in what schizophrenia is taking away from him and what addiction keeps interfering with. Recovery is possible if he would just give it a chance and stop trying to hide from life.

He spoke about gateways... He meant gateways into his world. I told him there was a gateway downstairs that if he opened the door could lead to him seeing a beautiful world. But he has to go out there and take it.

He was supposed to go to group yesterday but that fell through. They are still understaffed. They are looking into getting him into the Monday groups that go to the YMCA. He is fairly open to this one which is good so hopefully soon.

ADAPT called today and his appointment is now on April 9. It was a cute conversation. No I don't think I need it but my mom is saying I have to. I just drink and I don't want to stop. Yes I have schizophrenia. I'm with PACT. Yes my mom will be with me...

Sadly we can't find his teddy. It's a little white baby rabbit... He has had it since he was a boy. I think it's the baby to a mommy and baby Easter gift to me from the kids (Dad) when they were small. He had it at the shelter and we both thought that he had it here at the new place but I can't find it. I called the shelter this morning to see if they still had it. Long shot I know but I wanted to try. The lady I blogged about before answered the phone. She remember my son and me and asked how he was doing. She even remembered me bringing him the teddy. She went to look for me but it's not there.

Yesterday evening we went and got him 4 new teddies. A multicolored caterpillar, a turtle, an Easter bunny that looked kinda like an old man and a little grumpy cat that he said looks like one of his voices. I also gave him a teddy that I have held on to that says I love mom. One he (Dad) gave me.

Earlier in the week he asked me about the fact that I'm going to be getting $700 from disability instead of $600 that I had told him I would agree to. My first thought when he brought it up was: Now you want to talk about what we agreed to? It's not important to him when he isn't doing what he agreed to ;) I just told him I'm not giving him extra money for alcohol. Today he was asking to go to the store for oil and onion rings... I let him know that I have been starting to keep receipts on his 'extras' because he needs to start understanding money management if he has it in his head he can afford to live on his own with his spending habits. For the past two weeks I (hubby) has spent over $150 on him. Not counting McDonald's, Timmies or the Chinese food he wanted the other night. I told him today the next time he wants to ask about the other $100 he won't be getting... Here are the receipts.

I have to go... Hubby has his doctor appointment today and is on his way home and I have to see my chiropractor.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Spring, Gucci & A Little Progress.

Today is the first day of spring! Yah! hmmm... Can't say it feels like it. It's currently 31 F or -1 C. Real feel 5 C. I wonder if other countries do this? I always look at the real feel because it rarely feels like the actual temperature.

Today is also International Day of Happiness!

On Tuesday we went to the local human society and adopted Gucci. She will be 2 on June 1st and is tiny and cute. She seems to be settling in and my son likes her too. He wasn't that interested on the day that we got her. He had gone out and bought 2 small bottles of alcohol the night before and drank them so he wasn't in touch with his emotions that day. He has warmed up to her though and spends some time in the morning cuddling with her. Here she is in her normal daytime napping spot.

On Tuesday we also stopped into ADAPT since hubby was home. I asked about the fact that I was told that the lady from Ready4Life was supposed to be engaging their services on behalf of my son. Apparently she can't do that. I have tried to put aside my feelings of not liking this lady however it's hard when time and time again she proves that her word can't be trusted. If she works with ADAPT as she claimed, she should have been aware that she was unable to do this that it has to be my son contacting them. At the very least she should have stated she would look into it, not declare that she was going to do it. For weeks his case worker from PACT has been trying to reach ADAPT to follow up on this as she too believed the lady from Ready4Life. Even with my tolerance of people that I usually have, this lady still manages to astound me with her incompetence. Even with my son there I could not make an appointment for him. He had to come to the window and book the appointment himself. He has an appointment set for April 14. I also got some literature on family help and hopefully he will get referred to some services that deal with concurrent disorders of addiction and mental illness after he has his interview. Forewarned they have a waiting list...

Hubby has upped his Cipralex again. He did this on his own since he was having trouble coping with where my son is at. I get it. It's not easy watching my son making choices that are hindering his recovery. And I'm sure it's not easy watching me not put my foot down more often. He has been coping much better with the upped dosage and is back to reading his book on mindfulness :)

Yesterday we had an appointment with disability. I finally got through to his worker last week after calling the supervisor, again. Apparently she didn't receive any phone calls from us... Anyways... I wasn't sure exactly what was going to happen however I was hoping for some things to finally happen. I didn't say much during the appointment and let his worker do most of the talking. Starting with I do believe this upcoming payment, the room and board portion will be coming directly to me. From now on there will be a pay direct on his file for room and board or rent since there is concerns over him becoming homeless due to his resistance in paying these necessities on his own. She explained that the office has a responsibility and directive to ensure their clients are not homeless.

She also gave him (me) some information on a trustee through some other agencies. That if he is unable to budget his portion of his payments than that may have to be looked into. I can't say that my son was overly impressed. Sadly though it's his choices that have brought us to this and little that I am willing to do to correct it. Nothing actually. Knowing that my son can't randomly decide to put himself into the shelter system in order to fund his addictions is a relief.

Before we went into the appointment he was talking about asking them to raise his payments as he would like at least $400 a month spending/entertainment money. Wouldn't we all! He didn't ask. After the appointment he started complaining about how unfair it was. That he deserves to be happy. Yes we all deserve to be happy however we all have to work at getting that. Once he commented that death seemed to be the happiest option. I didn't respond.

Later he talked about moving... No surprise there. He stated that the only way he was going to learn how to take care of himself was to be unhappy so that he is forced to learn. Something like that. I ended up questioning him on this line of thinking since he is always saying how I need to be more lenient so that he can be happy. So how he is supposed to learn how to take care of himself if that means being unhappy and he doesn't think he should be? So others are supposed to not be happy so that they can cater to him? He is special however he isn't more special then anyone else. If I could change how he was taught that everyone is secondary to him... You get out of this life what you put into it and the world doesn't owe him anything.

I got our taxes done on Wednesday. Hopefully that gets processed fairly quickly as some bills could really use it ;).

So my son has been 4 days? without alcohol that I know of. He has missed a dose of medications here and there due to forgetting to take at night or sleeping in to long. No overt signs of voices. I guess we have about a week or so before he gets money... Honestly whether I wanted to or not, I wish disability had made me trustee so that we don't have to go through this every month. Just start to get him stable and recovering and repeat.

Going to go make a decaf coffee and see what it's like out. Supposed to go up to 8 C. Also have to look up recipes on making ribs as I can't seem to find the one that I can make work. Hoping to make a good dinner. Ribs, corn on the cob, salad and homemade bread. Lately my son and hubby seem to be really enjoying my cooking! Been trying some new salad recipes.

Check out: Walmart Live Better

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Brown Corduroy and Venlafaxine

I guess it was last Wednesday, after I attended the meeting at the shelter, that my son was given vouchers for the Salvation Army for clothing. I don't know what it is about brown corduroy that attracts him when he is not stable. He got a pair of corduroy pants and a brown coat. When he was in the shelter in September 2014 he found a brown corduroy jacket that he took a liking to. He seems to like the feel of it however I can't say that I like how he looks in these items.

Since last Wednesday hubby and I have seen him fairly frequently. Wednesday night hubby dropped off a carton of cigarettes on his way snow plowing. Thursday my son called, he needed a ride to disability as a check was waiting for him. That was an interesting conversation with his worker. Apparently I was making her feel guilty by trying to make her responsible for the money that office was giving him. Imagine that! Who should I be holding responsible? Avon? Anyways I apologized and stated that I'm frustrating with fighting every system to keep my son stable. He doesn't want to pay me room and board because he wants to buy 'luxury' items or drugs. She received the signed document giving me access to his file yet somehow doesn't seem to have the signed document stating that his room and board was to go into my account even though they were both dropped off and signed at the same time. She wouldn't acknowledge receipt of a fax I had sent the previous week stating my concerns. I can't say how many times I have been tempted to start writing letters to the local newspapers and our MP. I still might...

Eventually my son agreed to pay me room and board for January. I gave him $160 and agreed to allow $50 more for cigarettes that I would hold on to. Friday he was calling me stating that he had spent the $160 at a bar and was out of cigarettes. A carton in 2 days. His case worker from PACT saw him after that phone call and he told her he had $100. Not sure why he lied to her... or me. Friday hubby and I moved so I told my son that I couldn't make this a priority and he was going to have to wait. Saturday on the way to snow plow hubby dropped off 2 packs of cigarettes and $20. Sunday he is calling me that he is almost out of smokes and spent the $20 on junk food. Ya right! Monday we dropped of 4 packs of cigarettes and $5. Yesterday we dropped of 4 packs of cigarettes, some treats and $5. I told him that was it for the extra $50.

Last week I had him give me his tablet and Nvidia gaming system for safe keeping since he wasn't using it. He got into his head he wanted to sell them for furniture. You know for the place that he doesn't have... I told him I would think about buying the tablet from him when he gets a place so that he can buy furniture. Then he wanted me to sell the tablet and game so that he can buy a PSP portable. Hmmm no. I have done this twice now and I'm not doing it again.

He is supposed to get another check from disability tomorrow. He called me this morning wanting me to buy the tablet now so that he can have more money. If I had to hazard a guess at what is happening... It wouldn't surprise me if he is thinking about a plane ticket. If that is the case there is no way that I'm contributing to what I think will be the possible death of someone. Which would mean it's being discussed on a phone that I pay for, behind my back, again. Hopefully I'm wrong but if the past is an indication of the future...

Apparently my son said no to ADAPT for addiction help. He told me that he didn't but I have been told by I think 2 workers that he did. He is somewhat unstable however not unstable enough to not be up to his old tricks it seems. He is missing some doses of his medications. The night he went drinking of course being one of them. Sadly I don't think he has showered since he has been there and has been wearing the corduroys since he got them. Surprisingly he doesn't smell that bad.

Our move on Friday went very well. Thanks to my hubby's family it went quickly. I think this is the first time that I have been responsible for paying for my own electric heat. We pretty much froze for the first couple of days until hubby said that's enough. I guess seeing me sitting at my computer in a sweater, wrapped in a blanket with gloves on was a bit much ;) I just feel bad sometimes. I don't want to be any more of a drain on my hubby's money then I already am. My son does that enough ;) Still I didn't argue when he said turn up the heat. Now a sweater and slippers are manageable. We pretty much have everything set up except for putting up stuff on the walls. Yesterday we put my son's room together.

Tuesday I saw my family doctor for the remainder of my yearly physical. All my blood work looked good. It looks like my iron levels are up and my hemoglobin is now in normal range. I also had him put me on an antidepressant. I think a combination of worry/stress and my hormones are catching up with me. Everything was bothering me and getting on my last nerve. Poor hubby has been getting the brunt of it. My sensitivity to noise has gotten really bad to the point of wanting to cry over things that have only bugged me in the past. To be blunt, I've been a biatch with him since my son went into the shelter. Hubby says I'm losing weight. I've gone most of my life without people telling me I look or sound stressed. Now it's happening too often ;) He put me on Effexor or generic Venlafaxine. Started me on the lowest dose of 37.5 and to double it after 2 weeks. I asked to only stay on the minimum dose as I only want a little help until I can get things back together and I'm going to have to look into counselling. His office gave me some resources to look into. So it's up to me if I want to double it after 2 weeks. I joked with the pharmacist when I picked up the prescription that now it's my turn to be on meds. This is when I noticed that it was Venlafaxine as the doctor called it Effexor. Threw me for a second that I was being put on a medication that my son has been on.

The first dose made me fairly nauseous. Now it's not as long as I eat with it. It may be interfering a bit with sleep but that's hard to tell since my insomnia has been acting up again. I am taking it in the morning as it can cause bad dreams. I have noticed that sounds are not pissing me off as bad so that's a good thing. My doctor also said that it's a good med for menopause so it should be a good fit for what I'm going through. He mentioned hormone replacement therapy however I'm more comfortable treating my menopause with herbs and it's been working until now. I can up what I take for herbal supplements since I don't take the recommended doses anyways.

The day has gotten away from me so I'm off to start a loaf of bread. Make the house smell like home ;)

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Liar liar pants on fire

I came across this picture today and it made me giggle. As any caregiver of someone with a mental illness knows, we sometimes need a little humor in our lives.

Wouldn't it be nice... Or if their noses grew like Pinocchio. Honestly it's not just our mentally ill loved ones. I would like to see this happen to a lot of grown ups I know too. ;)

Monday night things went south again. This time I can at least have the comfort of knowing that I did nothing to provoke it.

I was in bed when my son came into my room. He started and I asked him to leave, letting him know that I didn't appreciate how he has been talking to me and that there was no excuse for it. Him getting mad is not a good enough reason for calling me the things that he did. He left my room however stood outside the door continued to try and 'reason' with hubby and I that he was entitled to make up the rules since it's his place because he pays half the rent. The fact that he hasn't paid us anything since July 2014 is apparently a mood point to him. I closed my bedroom door. He kept it up. I asked him to stop. The swearing at me started... It still surprises me sometimes when I can hear it his tone that he is very much in control over what he is saying and swearing or calling me names on purpose.

Finally I opened the door and stop in front of him and told him he needed to stop or leave. He grabbed my arm and pushed me. Apparently I made the mistake of standing in front of his bedroom door and according to him he was justified in pushing me because I was in the way. If he had wanted in his bedroom he could have went in there instead of standing outside my bedroom door swearing and calling me names. There was no indication that he wanted to go into his room.

I told him that if he touched me like that again I would have him charged. I could still see and feel where he grabbed me 45 minutes later. Sshh Hubby doesn't know this. Hubby heard me say this and got out of bed saying this was enough. The sight that greeted him when he got to my son's bedroom door... My son pulling down his pants, showing me his ass and telling me to kiss it! Adorable isn't he? I told my husband to not get involved and pushed him back because yes my hubby was not impressed. For me, seeing my son's ass defused my anger. All I could think as I looked at it was: Boy if you were 5 years old I would be paddling that ass! Before you think child abuse! No I didn't make it a habit of spanking my kids ;)

I just looked at my son and told him that the way he was acting and the words coming out of his mouth were disgusting. He actually looked a little shocked. Then said he was going to call COAST which is the crisis outreach team in our area. Ok.. Make sure you tell them that you just pushed your mother and have been swearing and calling her names. Suddenly he was all business. Called them and said that he needed assistance and a place to stay. I went back to my bedroom and let him do his thing. I could hear by his answers that they were asking him mental health questions. He then called some shelters.

What floored me was he then called 911 stating that he needed a place to go because his mom's husband had physically threatened him with violence. I just sat there as I listened to him give 911 my husbands name. Pictures of my hubby being hulled off in handcuffs. Yes I know I was overreacting but seriously you never know. It's not like the police haven't made things worse before. I did nothing. My son started packing his stuff. He's getting good at this part. Hubby and I went out for a smoke as I wanted to meet the police when they arrived and let them know what had really happened.

They came in. The one officer pointed out to my son that the police were not a taxi service. The other officer told my son when he again spoke about my hubby threatening violence, that he was an adult and perfectly within his rights to leave if he didn't like it here. They left with him and took him to a shelter.

When my son was making his phone calls it hit me. What this was all about. No one had said anything to him about a shelter. No one had threatened him. He wanted this to happen. Why? Because he doesn't want to pay me room and board from the check he thinks he is getting this week. This is what happened in September 2014. He got to keep the whole check and he got high. Yes he got robbed of most of it but he still got marijuana. In his eyes that's a win. The way that he became totally coherent to make the calls and write down the numbers... Mind boggling.

What I was seeing had little to do with schizophrenia and a whole lot to do with addiction and manipulation. He couldn't get benzo's from his treatment team or hospital so he went with plan B. Honestly who can blame him. It worked the last time.

I find myself yet again in between that proverbial rock and a hard place. The rock being my right to not be abused and to be treated with respect and the hard place being my son's schizophrenia and addiction. I get that he isn't stable right now. I get that he is being controlled by addiction and perhaps some delusional thinking. Still... Son or not... I don't have to accept this type of behavior. No where in all the information regarding addiction or mental illness does it state that family members should allow themselves to be abused because a loved one has a mental illness.

My son called me yesterday. Mom, I want to come home... Has my check come in? I guess he forgot that in September he left with his check on him. Ops! I told him he couldn't come home right now that he caused this to happen and he has to deal with the consequences. I asked if he called for another reason other then wanting his check? Well I do want my check...

I know what shelter he is in and it's actually fairly nice. As far as I know it's the one he went to for a couple of hours the last time he called 911. Industrial area so shouldn't be drug traffic. Nice main room with computers and TV. You could tell the people there were a different crowd then the one he was in in September. I'm not worried about him there. Really if my son wants trouble bad enough he can find even from here. They will lock up and administer his medications. He will be fed and on a sensible sleep schedule. Honestly it's probably a good spot for him right now.

My biggest concern right now is trying to figure out what is happening with his disability payment. Yes I want my portion for room and board. We could use the money. He isn't cheap to support! Although my main concern is him not getting it. I know that sounds harsh but I live in reality. $800 would most likely get him in jail or worse. At the very least another psychotic break when he hasn't recovered from the last one.

I called disability and reception would not put me through to a supervisor this time. Told me to leave his worker another message and to fax them something stating my concerns. So I walked to Staples and faxed them a letter stating that my son doesn't want to pay me room and board for the second time and that I'm pretty sure he wants the money for drugs and I'm fearful of him ending up in jail or worse. He is not capable of handling his own finances. That was 4 hours ago. No phone call yet...

I did talk to his case worker at PACT. She has been trying to get in contact with the shelter. She had talked to my son's psychiatrist and team and his psychiatrist stated absolutely no benzos. I told her what has happened and she said it sounds behavioral. Honestly as time goes by I'm in agreement. I do know it's being fueled by his symptoms and addiction however it's still his choice to act the way that he is. He believes that no one else matters, period.

I did leave a message at the shelter to have someone call me.

So here we are again... Maybe this time he will get the help that he needs.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

He is.... cycling?

Above picture credit to: Etsy

I have really been trying to work on this lately... with my husband and my son. I'm having better luck with my son then my husband but it's hard in both instances.

Thursday evening for whatever reason my son decided to check his bank account and it looks like he received his HST credit. Awesome! Of course off he goes to the liquor store. There isn't too much that I can do about it. It's legal and it's his money... I got to practice a little of 'keeping my mouth shut.' as my son told me that he didn't agree with  the rule of no alcohol in the home. Sometimes I just have to remind myself: What's the point? I'm not going to get anywhere by arguing or even discussing this with my son. It's the rule. Period.

We went for a car ride as my hubby had to get gas. During this car ride I did discuss with my son that once we move this can't keep happening as he hides the alcohol either in the laundry room of the building or on the grounds. Where we are moving is a family orientated complex and if I start getting warnings because children are finding and drinking his hidden liquor then he will have to go. If he really wants to drink then that is what bars are for. Drinking in public is illegal whether he agrees with that law or not is a mood point.

After we come back he tells me that he is going to visit his 'partner in instability'. He used the transit system. Amazing what he is capable of doing on his own when alcohol and/or marijuana is involved. Maybe this is where he got the idea to check his bank account for money? I didn't say much... Again what can I say? He's 21 today. Crap! I was going to look into bakeries for a cake yesterday and forgot. I will see what hubby thinks about us going to Red Lobster for dinner!

He returned the next afternoon. He didn't take his Invega while there which isn't surprising. Within thirty minutes of being home he wanted me to either take cash from him to put on a Google play account for his Nvidia game or walk with him to the bank or Walmart. I won't even use or put money on these types of accounts for myself so I'm certainly not going to connect my banking information with accounts in his name. So he wanted me to walk to Walmart with him so that he could buy a Google play gift card. I think that's what they are called. I said no. If he could trek to almost the other end of the city on transit by himself then he can go two blocks by himself. He did.

This entertained him for a short period of time... He also wanted to give me money to get him a month of World of Warcraft. Why? He plays it so rarely I don't see the point. Also he can do this himself if he would go to the bank and update his details. He couldn't access his online banking as he got a new bank card while out in British Columbia and his details have changed since we no longer have the home phone and he can't access his old email accounts. So when he tried to access and it asked for information to verify and send a new code... Well it would go to an inactive phone or email. We did hopefully fix this yesterday as I had to go to the bank for loonies for laundry so had him update his details since he came with us.

Friday night he went to bed good and took his Invega and a Trazodone so got a good nights sleep. Still Saturday was him laughing out loud more... And him going to the liquor store again.

So for lack of a better word, he is cycling... Feeding his addiction which in turn is triggering his schizophrenia which cycles into wanting to self-medicate and trying to feel better or fight off the inevitable depression with more alcohol. Or asking me if I think his psychiatrist will prescribe him Ativan/Lorazepam... No he won't because he abuses it and wants to take enough that he is totally sedated which my son agrees is what he wants. We can up his anti-psychotics so that he is totally sedated if that is the goal... That pretty much ended that conversation ;)

I found myself in a bit of dilemma this morning. Yesterday my hubby asked my son where he was hiding his alcohol. Part of me doesn't want to know. My son pointed to where it was... This morning I couldn't resist looking there and sure enough there it was. Do I leave it or throw it out? I decided to throw it out. I'm responsible for the actions of everyone that is living in my apartment which means I'm responsible for my son's alcohol on the premises where it legally is not supposed to be.

Yesterday I bought my son a pill case. I can't be counting pills or trying to micro-manage if he is taking them or not. At least I'm trying not to... This way I can fill it up or he can fill it up once a week with his Invega, Trazodone and Melatonin. I don't have to ask him if he is taking them or not, just look in the pill case. Since he doesn't hide from me if he is taking them or not there should be no reason for him to take them out and put them elsewhere. Hopefully it will also cut down on him getting confused if he has taken something or not. The Olanzapine is a PRN so we didn't add that. His Trazodone is a PRN as well but he is more likely to take it for a good nights sleep.

I did manage to get him in the shower yesterday stating that if he wanted to come do errands with us then he needed to that first. I also gave him a new pair of track pants that I had bought that morning for him as he wears them the most and he gets them stained fairly easily. He spent some money in the dollar store on candy and an energy drink. Thankfully the energy drinks are now down to rarely as we don't buy them anymore. We also stopped at Timmies (Tim Horton's) :)

Next will be getting him to cut his nails... I really don't understand or get this off and on fascination with having long fingernails. If one is going to take care of them and keep them clean that is another story however my son doesn't. I sometimes forget to get him to wash his hands before going out with me.... *mental shudder* when we are in a store line up and he is cleaning his nails and smelling it. Sorry I know that sound gross. It is! However it is the reality of our lives at times. I stop him and tell him that it is not appropriate to be doing that at that time.

Hubby is back from going to see his grand-kids, my son is up and I have dishes to do before I get hubby to dye my hair. One look at my roots right now would definitely give away my real age :)

On a side note. I can't wait to move! Hopefully I'm not going from the frying pan to the fire... However I'm pretty sure not as the complex seems well maintained and monitored as staff is on site several times a day, I am told. My neighbors across the hall... have been enjoying the weekend since Friday afternoon. Started today Sunday morning at 11AM. They have been better lately. Better is still me listening to their music while I'm setting at my computer. Friday night was the clean out of beer bottles. Two stacks as tall as me that sat in the hallway overnight. I just keep reminding myself... soon!

Mom
BarbieBF

Who wants to be depressed?

How do you rationally talk to someone who is being irrational? I guess you don't...

If I could get inside my son's head for 5 minutes and try to figure out what he is thinking or what is motivating his behavior... I have some ideas based on what I know of my son so far.

2 nights ago he got it into his head that it was unfair of me to expect him to sit on the small sofa or love-seat so that hubby and I could have the big sofa. He has rights you know? Yes so do we. Hubby and I did vacate the living room and spent some time in our bedroom partially due to this and partially due to the fact that the power had gone out so we just went to our room. When the power came back on and we were able to get the movie we were watching back on, it was several times asking very nicely, please can you move to the other sofa? According to my son the love-seat is uncomfortable. To clarify the love-seat and the big sofa are the same set and in fact the big sofa is harder and more worn out then the love-seat. He finally agreed to move but wanted to rearrange the living room furniture because of it. I said no and that when he has his own place and his own furniture he can decide where he wants it and who sets were. He won't be inviting me to his place. Honestly I found this somewhat humorous so my tone was light when I responded and told him to remember that when he is calling me with: Mom I have no money. Mom I can't pay my bills or Mom I'm hungry... Off he went to call his Nana...

Later that night, around 12, he was taking a part one of my bookshelves, taking my mouse-pad for my computer and just overall making a racket in his room since his floor is a mess and he can't walk in there without walking on stuff. All this so he could play on his laptop in bed. I think he is playing World of Warcraft again which is good however I will get back to that...

Yesterday, I thought, was a pretty good day. He spend the day in the living room with hubby and I watching movies and going for smokes with us. Once we asked him to walk to the store with us however he didn't see the point in going since I said I wasn't going to spend any money... Hubby had won some free Lotto tickets.

Last night when I saw that he had gone to bed and not taking his pills, I took the dish into him. I'm not taking the Lithium... I tried to talk him into taking half of it as stopping it like that may cause him to get too depressed or even suicidal considering he is not ok right now. He said that he wants to be depressed. I tried... but like I said: How do you rationally talk to someone who is being irrational? He told me to take them. Well I don't have a chemical imbalance of too much dopamine in my brain so I don't need them. He is not a robot... No and these pills would not work on a robot because robots don't have dopamine but he does because he is human. Since I have such a problem with this then I should fix it... That's what I'm trying to do. I told him that what he is saying isn't logical. I have never heard anyone say that they wanted to be depressed. How is he going to take care of himself when he is living in the shared townhouse living that he wants if he is too depressed to take care of himself. That's another thing... He needs a shower. I could smell him from 3-4 feet away. He says that is ok that there is nothing wrong with the smell of BO (body odor). I gave up and went to bed.

Now, today, he is refusing his Olanzapine as well. He has been taking one when he gets up for the past 2 days since I know that he needs it due to the Invega wearing off and it has been helping. Now today... It's a PRN (as needed) and he doesn't need it. I said to him: Can you please explain to me what is going on in your head because I don't understand why you want to be sick? Why do I care so much? Because I love you and I give a crap about your mental health. Oh well, I'm not taking it.

I'm wondering if his wanting to be depressed could have anything to do with him playing World of Warcraft again. His subscription will be running out soon. When I bought the upgrade as an early Christmas present and paid for the monthly subscription it was under two conditions. One he not spend the little money he had on alcohol and two that he was to pay me back for the monthly subscription the following day. Well he didn't pay me back and the money did go on alcohol. He is aware that I cancelled the subscription from charging my credit card again this month. Only time will tell but if I here: Mom I'm depressed so I need you to buy... I'm not saying my son doesn't think that he has experienced depression however I'm pretty sure he has no idea what long-term depression really feels like. Not being euphorically or intensely happy is not depressed. Not being hyper is not depressed. Being bored is not depressed.

My daughter called this morning... Mom I need money... Mom doesn't have any money... I think it's long past time for this to start being a reality for someone other then me and my hubby. The motor is gone in our car, again... I won't rant about this as really in the end it's for me to start putting my foot down and saying no. I'm not mad at my daughter... My love is free but it's time to start looking elsewhere for money.

I need a shower and hubby is home so I'm off...

Mom
BarbieBF