Yesterday I tried making a mocktail, a non-alcoholic version of a typically alcoholic beverage. Of course in my typical fashion of not thinking ahead and just going with an idea, I had no ice... Still hubby and I enjoyed a virgin pina-colada. There is now an ice cube tray in the freezer :)
It's been awhile since hubby and I went alcohol free. It's certainly a different life style. One that can have an impact even though you don't realize it. There is no going for a drink with the boys after work. No hanging out to have a beer. No weekend cocktails and cards. But see that is where I am trying to make the change. Yes we can have weekend mocktails and we can enjoy them in the backyard and we can try to learn to do the things that we did while drinking, sober.
I can't say I particularly enjoyed playing darts but I played. My hubby and his brother enjoyed playing... or they enjoyed drinking with something to do while doing it ;). I want us to enjoy playing darts. I want summer evenings in the backyard.
I noticed something one day last week when hubby and I sat down for dinner. We have been together for almost 5 years yet we have had little time with just the 2 of us. There is usually someone else there or even if they aren't right there, around. Now it's just us. It's a good thing. Not that I'm expecting it to last forever.
I did go see my doctor last Monday. I totally forgot to ask for blood work to be done or to discuss my weight. I did weigh myself while there and I'm not losing anymore, in fact, I'm slowly gaining so I will see how it goes now that some other things are back on track. I got my Venlafaxine refilled. I'm back on my tinctures for my menopause. I am now quitting smoking with just the lozenges once or twice a day. Every time I put on a patch, even the lowest dosage, all if it came flooding back. Ears ringing, dizziness, heart pounding... My doctor said it certainly sounded like the patch was causing it and that if I find wearing it too much then I can't use them. Like I told hubby last night, I guess I had better make this time the last time quitting as I'm running out of options on quit-smoking aids.
The dizziness is still there. Not sure what is causing it. I'm wondering if I'm not eating enough. It's not nearly as bad as it was. Part of it could be being back on my medication and readjusting. I will give it some time. I have to make a follow up appointment before I can get my antidepressants refilled so if I'm still experiencing dizziness etc than I will request some blood work and my female exam.
Work is going good. I worked this Sunday as my boss wanted to see if we would get a good response. I did contact those who asked to be called on Sunday or people that I was having trouble getting a hold of during the week due to working. I haven't gotten paid yet which I'm hoping will happen soon.
Last Monday my son called to tell me that he contacted disability and it was too late for them to adjust this payment so the normal room and board amount would come to me and that I owe him back half of it. I owe him... So yeah... I usually put that payment towards half of the rent.
My son has called here and there. Every time to ask for something. Can we go camping (he is supposed to be paying for this). Can I take him to the grocery store for treats. Can I loan him money for cigarettes and take it out of the money I owe him. He already owes me for a carton of smokes. Yesterday he called saying he really wanted a cigarette. I don't smoke anymore so no sympathy from me for that.
In fact I told him that I'm not going to feel sorry for him. He's getting enough of that already. Whenever I point out to him why he is where he is, he ends the call. That isn't schizophrenia. He knows what happened and doesn't want to take responsibility for his choices. This is the closest he has come to being held responsible.
As always.. what to do... I don't know. I can buy him things now and by the time I get the payment there will be little money left to give him. IF he is getting a plane ticket...
Amazing sometimes how little some things change. He won't accept the right kind of help here if he has the opportunity to run away again. I guess time will tell what is happening there because I don't know what his plans are.
Today I'm planning to try a recipe for granola bars. I'm hoping to find a healthier snack for hubby at work. I might also try finding a recipe I can work with for a multi-grain bread.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Showing posts with label Consequence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Consequence. Show all posts
Monday, July 27, 2015
Friday, July 17, 2015
Ashes! Ashes! We all fall down.
I don't have a lot of time before I start work however I felt like doing a quick blog post.
I think I have referenced the above nursery rhyme before. Sadly it's one of those cycles that we/I seem to keep getting caught in. I keep saying that I don't want to play this game anymore. It seems the only way I can make that happen is to quite literally remove myself or as I did on Wednesday, remove my son.
He did end up going to the liquor store and got 4 bottles of alcohol. A nice variety: vodka, southern comfort, fireball whiskey and sour puss liquor. I had no idea. I began to get an idea however when I asked him to clean up his mess in the kitchen and got threatened with being hit and he tossed his candy all over the kitchen counter and floor. A little while later I looked into the back yard and he was lying there with an almost empty bottle of sour suss beside him. That got tossed right away. He didn't seem concerned about it. Why would he be? He had 3 more bottles to go.
I sat at my desk and asked myself if I was prepared and willing to do what I wanted to do next. Yes. I called the police. Like I explained to the lady on the phone, I really didn't feel like I had many, if any, options left. At the rate he was going there was a big chance I would be calling the police soon if not that day anyways and the outcome probably wouldn't have been very pretty.
They attended. One of them was periodically an idiot in my opinion. When I told him that there was open alcohol stashed on the grounds he didn't seem that interested in doing anything about it. Or should I say motivated to actually walk his ass anywhere to find it. There was kids around playing. I let him know that if a kid got into it then it was on his head. I still don't get how it's not his job to enforce the law of no open alcohol in public or drinking in public. But hey...
My son at this point was quit intoxicated which was very clear by his face and speech. After I removed the sour puss, I'm guessing he went for the vodka since I still haven't found that bottle. He insisted on lying to me and the police when asked about the alcohol. By the way, I have the liquor store receipt from that morning which I found stashed behind his TV stand.
I stood there, looking at the officers, managing to hold my cool and my emotions, while they asked me what it is that I wanted them to do. Did I want him removed from the home. Since he wasn't at that moment being violent... Gotta love the system! Can't prevent violence only get involved once it happens. Call them back if he does get violent with me.
Of course my son is saying there is no more alcohol which was a lie. He is saying he is done drinking for now. I'm standing there... Thinking to myself I have done what I can do. I have asked anyone that I could think of to ask for advise on what I was supposed to do and handle this type of situation. It was up to me if I wanted to call in the police. Well I took that step and I stood behind it. I asked them to remove him from the home.
They did. I do believe he got charged a fine of some sort for being intoxicated in public then he was released to the shelter once he was sober enough I guess for them to accept him.
Now it's Friday and I have heard from him a couple of times. Asking for a ride to get smokes since he didn't want to spend all of his money on expensive cigarettes. Asking for money for a plane ticket back out to British Columbia. And of course there is the fact that I will owe him money at the end of the month when I receive the room and board portion of his disability payment.
Money, money, money...
I haven't heard from anyone else which tells me a lot. Having been through this as many times as I have been, the quieter it is and the less I'm hearing from people, pretty much tells me what I need to know.
My daughter called me on Wednesday asking what happened. I love her dearly but she can be pretty transparent. She has this way of asking... It's not her asking. I try really hard not to react because none of this is on her. Still it's hard when she wants to get in the middle when she has no idea what is going on or what I have been dealing with. She asked if I was prepared for him going back out there and commented that she guessed she was going to have to get another job. Isn't it awesome that an 19 year old is going to try to financially help take on the responsibility of 2 adults that are older then her.
My only response is for them to do whatever they feel is necessary. Please don't call me for money. I just sent her money because she said she didn't have money for personal hygiene products and cigarettes until pay day. It looks like I have some more boundary setting ahead of me.
Yesterday I had a shower that I actually enjoyed. I didn't even realize until I was in the shower that it's been months since I had a shower and relaxed in it. Always having my guard up, my listening ears on and making sure my purse or anything else of consequence was hopefully in a safe place.
I cleaned up the back yard. I have been avoiding it because my son has been treating it like a garbage can and I was constantly picking up garbage and cleaning up spit etc.
I have been going to bed and leaving my purse in the living room.
There is a part of me that is honestly reveling in the freedom of being able to enjoy and relax in my own home. I can breathe. Hubby and I can spend time in the living room together. We have been going to bed right after dinner lately because it was easier. I can work without worrying about paying attention to what my son was doing or having to stop to clean up his vomit or making sure he wasn't masturbating again out front. What can I say... Yes it feels good.
The mom in me however is make no mistake about it, heart-broken.
I just don't want to fall down anymore.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
I think I have referenced the above nursery rhyme before. Sadly it's one of those cycles that we/I seem to keep getting caught in. I keep saying that I don't want to play this game anymore. It seems the only way I can make that happen is to quite literally remove myself or as I did on Wednesday, remove my son.
He did end up going to the liquor store and got 4 bottles of alcohol. A nice variety: vodka, southern comfort, fireball whiskey and sour puss liquor. I had no idea. I began to get an idea however when I asked him to clean up his mess in the kitchen and got threatened with being hit and he tossed his candy all over the kitchen counter and floor. A little while later I looked into the back yard and he was lying there with an almost empty bottle of sour suss beside him. That got tossed right away. He didn't seem concerned about it. Why would he be? He had 3 more bottles to go.
I sat at my desk and asked myself if I was prepared and willing to do what I wanted to do next. Yes. I called the police. Like I explained to the lady on the phone, I really didn't feel like I had many, if any, options left. At the rate he was going there was a big chance I would be calling the police soon if not that day anyways and the outcome probably wouldn't have been very pretty.
They attended. One of them was periodically an idiot in my opinion. When I told him that there was open alcohol stashed on the grounds he didn't seem that interested in doing anything about it. Or should I say motivated to actually walk his ass anywhere to find it. There was kids around playing. I let him know that if a kid got into it then it was on his head. I still don't get how it's not his job to enforce the law of no open alcohol in public or drinking in public. But hey...
My son at this point was quit intoxicated which was very clear by his face and speech. After I removed the sour puss, I'm guessing he went for the vodka since I still haven't found that bottle. He insisted on lying to me and the police when asked about the alcohol. By the way, I have the liquor store receipt from that morning which I found stashed behind his TV stand.
I stood there, looking at the officers, managing to hold my cool and my emotions, while they asked me what it is that I wanted them to do. Did I want him removed from the home. Since he wasn't at that moment being violent... Gotta love the system! Can't prevent violence only get involved once it happens. Call them back if he does get violent with me.
Of course my son is saying there is no more alcohol which was a lie. He is saying he is done drinking for now. I'm standing there... Thinking to myself I have done what I can do. I have asked anyone that I could think of to ask for advise on what I was supposed to do and handle this type of situation. It was up to me if I wanted to call in the police. Well I took that step and I stood behind it. I asked them to remove him from the home.
They did. I do believe he got charged a fine of some sort for being intoxicated in public then he was released to the shelter once he was sober enough I guess for them to accept him.
Now it's Friday and I have heard from him a couple of times. Asking for a ride to get smokes since he didn't want to spend all of his money on expensive cigarettes. Asking for money for a plane ticket back out to British Columbia. And of course there is the fact that I will owe him money at the end of the month when I receive the room and board portion of his disability payment.
Money, money, money...
I haven't heard from anyone else which tells me a lot. Having been through this as many times as I have been, the quieter it is and the less I'm hearing from people, pretty much tells me what I need to know.
My daughter called me on Wednesday asking what happened. I love her dearly but she can be pretty transparent. She has this way of asking... It's not her asking. I try really hard not to react because none of this is on her. Still it's hard when she wants to get in the middle when she has no idea what is going on or what I have been dealing with. She asked if I was prepared for him going back out there and commented that she guessed she was going to have to get another job. Isn't it awesome that an 19 year old is going to try to financially help take on the responsibility of 2 adults that are older then her.
My only response is for them to do whatever they feel is necessary. Please don't call me for money. I just sent her money because she said she didn't have money for personal hygiene products and cigarettes until pay day. It looks like I have some more boundary setting ahead of me.
Yesterday I had a shower that I actually enjoyed. I didn't even realize until I was in the shower that it's been months since I had a shower and relaxed in it. Always having my guard up, my listening ears on and making sure my purse or anything else of consequence was hopefully in a safe place.
I cleaned up the back yard. I have been avoiding it because my son has been treating it like a garbage can and I was constantly picking up garbage and cleaning up spit etc.
I have been going to bed and leaving my purse in the living room.
There is a part of me that is honestly reveling in the freedom of being able to enjoy and relax in my own home. I can breathe. Hubby and I can spend time in the living room together. We have been going to bed right after dinner lately because it was easier. I can work without worrying about paying attention to what my son was doing or having to stop to clean up his vomit or making sure he wasn't masturbating again out front. What can I say... Yes it feels good.
The mom in me however is make no mistake about it, heart-broken.
I just don't want to fall down anymore.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Excuse me while this snob cleans your room.
The last couple of days and certainly last night and this morning are not going to good. After my last blog post Michael did start taking his Olanzapine again so only missed the one night. The week ended and the weekend was quiet.
Monday when his nurse arrived I brought up that my son had agreed to try upping his Invega from 6 mg to 9 mg as we had discussed it and he agreed. Or so I thought... We had not discussed upping the Invega to replace him coming off the Olanzapine however that seems to be what his intentions were. His nurse said that he would discuss it with his treatment team.
Michael had also brought up to me wanting to try using vitamins. I cautioned him that this can work for some however not everyone and that for the people it do work for, they take lots of supplements sometimes several times a day. Also he needs to be on them for at least several months for the levels to build up in his system before even thinking about reducing medications to see if it will work. For one day he took all the supplements I gave him. The next day refused the Omega 3, a really important one if this is going to work, and nothing since that.
As of Tuesday things have been going down hill again.
I have no idea what prompted it however he didn't take his Invega or Olanzapine on Tuesday night and was up all night. I can't tell you exactly what he was up to other then some odd stuff.
In the middle of the night, one of the times that I got up to check on him, he was totally naked and acting guilty. I didn't really register this until I was back in bed. I reminded him about his pills and left it at that.
Wednesday morning he was lying on the sofa covered up with his blanket. I won't go into detail other then based on the sounds I was hearing and how he was lying... I'm pretty sure he was masturbating. Several times I 'interrupted' him and finally told him if he was going to keep doing it that he needed to go to his room. Off he went.
Later that morning I went into his room to clean as it was getting ridiculous in there. Even though I hadn't caught him again it was obvious he was smoking in there as there was more and more ashes and tobacco all over where he was putting them out on lord knows what since he had no ashtray. The first things I noticed was that he had sometime during the night grabbed the hammer and the knife sharpener. No I don't know why and he wouldn't tell me. I moved a box to clean and behind it was cigarette butts and his Olanzapine. So that is where he was stashing what he didn't want me to find.
I took the hammer, knife sharpener and Olanzapine downstairs and calmly asked him what he was doing with the hammer and knife sharpener. Like I said, he wouldn't tell. Just said the he thought he might need them for something. Then I asked him if we were back to him hiding his pills from me. His response was to tell me to stop being such a snob and that I had no right to yell at him or give him attitude for not taking his Olanzapine. One, I wasn't yelling and two, the point was that he hid them from me not that he didn't take them and three, he was still smoking in his room and lying to me about it.
I went back up to continue cleaning and vacuuming his room. Under his table I found his Invega. He says he didn't take them because he didn't sleep. They are no longer sedating for him so that is not logical. They do however slow his mind down so that he can sleep. Anyways this logic made sense to him :). I asked him for his cigarettes as they need to stay downstairs since I can't trust him. He handed them over then out of the blue told me dinner the night before was disgusting (it wasn't). No worries I won't be making dinner tonight... I got told to fuck off.
I let him know that he just lost his cigarettes (hubby bought them). A little while later I noticed that he was going outside and leaving the yard. Red flag. I went upstairs and checked and sure enough he had gone into my closet and grabbed a pack of smokes. I asked for them back... got called a bitch so I disconnected the internet.
We didn't talk much the rest of the day ;). Somewhat later he asked me what was for dinner. Before you think that he was psychotic or whatnot and didn't remember what had happened, he did. He was very much aware of what he said to me and it wasn't said spur of the moment. It was said on purpose. I told him whatever he made for himself. Hubby and I went out... He made himself noodles.
After we returned my son asked to talk. Stating it wasn't his fault that it was because he didn't take his pills and was up all night. If he took his pills that night could he have his cigarettes back. It wasn't my fault that he didn't take his pills either and I don't deserve to be talked to like that. I told him I wasn't going to negotiate with him about taking his pills. He needs to take them because he needs to take them and no he wasn't getting his cigarettes back that day.
He took his pills :), went to sleep early and as far as I know slept through the night. Yesterday morning I gave him a pack of cigarettes. We had a short conversation about what happened and he acknowledged that I didn't yell at him and that he guesses he needs to take his pills for now. My first thoughts were: Yeah, some insight. No... He was just saying what he thought I needed to hear.
At dinner time he asked for the internet back. I agreed however let him know that moving forward he was going to be losing it for longer for swearing at me so forewarned.
Last night he asked me to rub his back. He started talking about his Olanzapine being poison so he wouldn't take it. Took the Invega. Delusional talk about forcing his body to sweat was building up muscle and made up words stating that he had learned in chemistry in school. I did chemistry for three years and I don't recall that word. Well I went to school in Newfoundland and that place is... hmm I forget the word he used but not a nice one. For starters I also went to high school in Ontario and Newfoundland however surprising it may seem (Canadians will understand the reference) had a much harder curriculum. I told him that I thought he was being delusional, that he wasn't making sense to me and went to bed.
Several time between 9 and 3:30 I checked on him and kept reminding him to take his Olanzapine. By 3:30 he started asking for cigarettes and banging on walls. His bedroom wall is also my husband's bedroom wall (remember he has his own room for sleeping) and it was waking me up in my room. Once I gave him a cigarette then told him no because he will be out of cigarettes by noon if I gave him a pack them. 3:30 he stating he was going to make coffee...
Hubby was nice this morning and fed Gucci (our cat) so she wasn't doing her usual head-butting. I got to sleep in until 6 (if you can call being constantly woken up, sleeping in) when Michael came in and got me up asking for his cigarettes. I gave him a pack. As I'm walking down the stairs I'm noticing finger prints and smudges all over the walls. Same in his room even though I had washed the smudges off on Wednesday. Now two of his bedroom walls are full of them again. He says it's from him punching the walls and skin coming off. I did find his empty Olanzapine wrapper so I'm guessing he did finally take it sometime between 3:30 and 6.
As I was walking down the stairs he said that he wanted to talk to me about something. I'm pretty sure it's about either money or most likely marijuana as yesterday he told me that he hasn't been happy for over a year now so he should be able to smoke some now can we discuss it. No we cannot. No amount of sympathy gaining/manipulation is going to make me agree to marijuana. Anyways I just told him this morning that whatever it is he wants to talk about is going to have to wait because I just got up and I would like some coffee.
A little later he sits in the living room. He knows that his bothers me. He puts his feet on the coffee table, usually with shoes on (like this morning) and bounces his legs/feet. So the coffee table is making a racket, the floor is vibrating and I haven't even finished my first cup of coffee. After several times telling him to stop it he finally went to his room. Of course he is up there making a racket that he says he isn't.
I guess it's a combination of his ADHD and schizophrenia that when he gets a bit unstable he becomes very loud physically. He doesn't walk, he stomps. He doesn't sit, he drops/plunks onto furniture. He isn't gentle with anything that he touches or uses.
I guess that good thing I can try to take away from this is having a better idea of where his stability is at (or not at). If missing one dose of medications is going to have this affect than it's good to know. Although there is something else that I have been pondering and didn't mention. I guess it was two weekends ago when hubby and my son got their hair cut. Well while at the barber we ran into his 'friend' from across the hall at the old apartment. Hubby and I tried to keep an eye on them talking just in case there was an exchange of any type (marijuana). We didn't see anything and I have been trying not to over think it however he has been starting to slip since shortly after that. Combine this with some of the guilty behavior that I have been seeing like hiding his hands under the blanket when I walk into his room when he isn't smoking cigarettes, him stating yesterday that he must have been going through withdrawal or something... has me wondering. He has been keeping his hoodies on and it's not hot in here which used to be a red flag for him having stuff on him. I have checked them when I can and haven't found anything however that doesn't mean anything. Throw in Michael now asking me about letting him smoke it when that hasn't been brought up in a long time... Oh well.
*fingers crossed* that when/if his case worker from PACT drops off his medications today that his Invega has been upped. I'm not counting on it but it would be nice. Oh yeah... He missed group on Wednesday which sucks as it was strawberry picking.
On a good note, I might have a job! Talked to a lady yesterday and went over what the position is. Basically inside sales, from home. Something a little new to me although I do have some knowledgeable of the concept, requirements and expectations since I did work for a recruiting firm for over 9 years.
I did quit smoking on Sunday. So far, so good. Wednesday was a bit of a test ;). The patches are really helping so I'm rarely getting cravings. When I do then I also have lozenges which I'm using about 3 times a day. Like now :).
My goal today. Getting my son in the shower. It's been weeks and it's been a bit since I washed him. Also the last shower he did have, didn't help much. The big question: How to accomplish this?
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Monday when his nurse arrived I brought up that my son had agreed to try upping his Invega from 6 mg to 9 mg as we had discussed it and he agreed. Or so I thought... We had not discussed upping the Invega to replace him coming off the Olanzapine however that seems to be what his intentions were. His nurse said that he would discuss it with his treatment team.
Michael had also brought up to me wanting to try using vitamins. I cautioned him that this can work for some however not everyone and that for the people it do work for, they take lots of supplements sometimes several times a day. Also he needs to be on them for at least several months for the levels to build up in his system before even thinking about reducing medications to see if it will work. For one day he took all the supplements I gave him. The next day refused the Omega 3, a really important one if this is going to work, and nothing since that.
As of Tuesday things have been going down hill again.
I have no idea what prompted it however he didn't take his Invega or Olanzapine on Tuesday night and was up all night. I can't tell you exactly what he was up to other then some odd stuff.
In the middle of the night, one of the times that I got up to check on him, he was totally naked and acting guilty. I didn't really register this until I was back in bed. I reminded him about his pills and left it at that.
Wednesday morning he was lying on the sofa covered up with his blanket. I won't go into detail other then based on the sounds I was hearing and how he was lying... I'm pretty sure he was masturbating. Several times I 'interrupted' him and finally told him if he was going to keep doing it that he needed to go to his room. Off he went.
Later that morning I went into his room to clean as it was getting ridiculous in there. Even though I hadn't caught him again it was obvious he was smoking in there as there was more and more ashes and tobacco all over where he was putting them out on lord knows what since he had no ashtray. The first things I noticed was that he had sometime during the night grabbed the hammer and the knife sharpener. No I don't know why and he wouldn't tell me. I moved a box to clean and behind it was cigarette butts and his Olanzapine. So that is where he was stashing what he didn't want me to find.
I took the hammer, knife sharpener and Olanzapine downstairs and calmly asked him what he was doing with the hammer and knife sharpener. Like I said, he wouldn't tell. Just said the he thought he might need them for something. Then I asked him if we were back to him hiding his pills from me. His response was to tell me to stop being such a snob and that I had no right to yell at him or give him attitude for not taking his Olanzapine. One, I wasn't yelling and two, the point was that he hid them from me not that he didn't take them and three, he was still smoking in his room and lying to me about it.
I went back up to continue cleaning and vacuuming his room. Under his table I found his Invega. He says he didn't take them because he didn't sleep. They are no longer sedating for him so that is not logical. They do however slow his mind down so that he can sleep. Anyways this logic made sense to him :). I asked him for his cigarettes as they need to stay downstairs since I can't trust him. He handed them over then out of the blue told me dinner the night before was disgusting (it wasn't). No worries I won't be making dinner tonight... I got told to fuck off.
I let him know that he just lost his cigarettes (hubby bought them). A little while later I noticed that he was going outside and leaving the yard. Red flag. I went upstairs and checked and sure enough he had gone into my closet and grabbed a pack of smokes. I asked for them back... got called a bitch so I disconnected the internet.
We didn't talk much the rest of the day ;). Somewhat later he asked me what was for dinner. Before you think that he was psychotic or whatnot and didn't remember what had happened, he did. He was very much aware of what he said to me and it wasn't said spur of the moment. It was said on purpose. I told him whatever he made for himself. Hubby and I went out... He made himself noodles.
After we returned my son asked to talk. Stating it wasn't his fault that it was because he didn't take his pills and was up all night. If he took his pills that night could he have his cigarettes back. It wasn't my fault that he didn't take his pills either and I don't deserve to be talked to like that. I told him I wasn't going to negotiate with him about taking his pills. He needs to take them because he needs to take them and no he wasn't getting his cigarettes back that day.
He took his pills :), went to sleep early and as far as I know slept through the night. Yesterday morning I gave him a pack of cigarettes. We had a short conversation about what happened and he acknowledged that I didn't yell at him and that he guesses he needs to take his pills for now. My first thoughts were: Yeah, some insight. No... He was just saying what he thought I needed to hear.
At dinner time he asked for the internet back. I agreed however let him know that moving forward he was going to be losing it for longer for swearing at me so forewarned.
Last night he asked me to rub his back. He started talking about his Olanzapine being poison so he wouldn't take it. Took the Invega. Delusional talk about forcing his body to sweat was building up muscle and made up words stating that he had learned in chemistry in school. I did chemistry for three years and I don't recall that word. Well I went to school in Newfoundland and that place is... hmm I forget the word he used but not a nice one. For starters I also went to high school in Ontario and Newfoundland however surprising it may seem (Canadians will understand the reference) had a much harder curriculum. I told him that I thought he was being delusional, that he wasn't making sense to me and went to bed.
Several time between 9 and 3:30 I checked on him and kept reminding him to take his Olanzapine. By 3:30 he started asking for cigarettes and banging on walls. His bedroom wall is also my husband's bedroom wall (remember he has his own room for sleeping) and it was waking me up in my room. Once I gave him a cigarette then told him no because he will be out of cigarettes by noon if I gave him a pack them. 3:30 he stating he was going to make coffee...
Hubby was nice this morning and fed Gucci (our cat) so she wasn't doing her usual head-butting. I got to sleep in until 6 (if you can call being constantly woken up, sleeping in) when Michael came in and got me up asking for his cigarettes. I gave him a pack. As I'm walking down the stairs I'm noticing finger prints and smudges all over the walls. Same in his room even though I had washed the smudges off on Wednesday. Now two of his bedroom walls are full of them again. He says it's from him punching the walls and skin coming off. I did find his empty Olanzapine wrapper so I'm guessing he did finally take it sometime between 3:30 and 6.
As I was walking down the stairs he said that he wanted to talk to me about something. I'm pretty sure it's about either money or most likely marijuana as yesterday he told me that he hasn't been happy for over a year now so he should be able to smoke some now can we discuss it. No we cannot. No amount of sympathy gaining/manipulation is going to make me agree to marijuana. Anyways I just told him this morning that whatever it is he wants to talk about is going to have to wait because I just got up and I would like some coffee.
A little later he sits in the living room. He knows that his bothers me. He puts his feet on the coffee table, usually with shoes on (like this morning) and bounces his legs/feet. So the coffee table is making a racket, the floor is vibrating and I haven't even finished my first cup of coffee. After several times telling him to stop it he finally went to his room. Of course he is up there making a racket that he says he isn't.
I guess it's a combination of his ADHD and schizophrenia that when he gets a bit unstable he becomes very loud physically. He doesn't walk, he stomps. He doesn't sit, he drops/plunks onto furniture. He isn't gentle with anything that he touches or uses.
I guess that good thing I can try to take away from this is having a better idea of where his stability is at (or not at). If missing one dose of medications is going to have this affect than it's good to know. Although there is something else that I have been pondering and didn't mention. I guess it was two weekends ago when hubby and my son got their hair cut. Well while at the barber we ran into his 'friend' from across the hall at the old apartment. Hubby and I tried to keep an eye on them talking just in case there was an exchange of any type (marijuana). We didn't see anything and I have been trying not to over think it however he has been starting to slip since shortly after that. Combine this with some of the guilty behavior that I have been seeing like hiding his hands under the blanket when I walk into his room when he isn't smoking cigarettes, him stating yesterday that he must have been going through withdrawal or something... has me wondering. He has been keeping his hoodies on and it's not hot in here which used to be a red flag for him having stuff on him. I have checked them when I can and haven't found anything however that doesn't mean anything. Throw in Michael now asking me about letting him smoke it when that hasn't been brought up in a long time... Oh well.
*fingers crossed* that when/if his case worker from PACT drops off his medications today that his Invega has been upped. I'm not counting on it but it would be nice. Oh yeah... He missed group on Wednesday which sucks as it was strawberry picking.
On a good note, I might have a job! Talked to a lady yesterday and went over what the position is. Basically inside sales, from home. Something a little new to me although I do have some knowledgeable of the concept, requirements and expectations since I did work for a recruiting firm for over 9 years.
I did quit smoking on Sunday. So far, so good. Wednesday was a bit of a test ;). The patches are really helping so I'm rarely getting cravings. When I do then I also have lozenges which I'm using about 3 times a day. Like now :).
My goal today. Getting my son in the shower. It's been weeks and it's been a bit since I washed him. Also the last shower he did have, didn't help much. The big question: How to accomplish this?
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Rockin' the Boat, A Mustang & Several Cans of Worms.
Yesterday I had such a great day! Seriously it was all good. Tuesday I got hit with major sedation from my antidepressants. I'm guessing due to it having build up in my system. Yesterday I woke up with the urge to do things... By 9 AM I was already thinking about the things I wanted to make/bake. I made beef jerky, cookies, bread, cheese crackers and tried a new rice recipe for dinner. Cleaned the fridge and did some rearranging in the kitchen. Monday I spent several hours vacuuming and de-cob-webbing our unfinished basement. I knew then that my antidepressants were doing their thing ;).
Last night my son decided to throw a wrench in things. Out of the blue he doesn't need/want his Olanzapine. It's time to try and go off them... Because barely a month of regaining some stability is long enough, I guess.
I'm sitting here trying really hard not to be pissed. For the past 3-4 weeks both myself and my hubby have been nothing but supportive and understanding. I have been patiently cleaning up his messes. Spending quality time with him doing things like messaging and scratching his back, brushing his hair, filing his nails, cuddling and even flossing his teeth. Yup you read that right. His teeth are mess. When the ashtray in the back yard, that is only 3 feet away from him, is to far away; that's ok, I take it too him. I have picking up his garbage, hosing down the yard due to his spitting... What do I ask for in return? Not very much. Perhaps that is the problem. I have been expecting way too little. In my quest to be understanding I am making things way to easy for him, again.
In my last blog post I mentioned him smoking in his room. Another thing that I have been very patient about. I have not yelled at him. I have said very little actually unless I catch him doing it. I have been keeping an eye out and finding what he uses for ashtrays when I can so that I can 'remind him' that there is no smoking in his room. A couple of times I have found the cups or containers that he uses and have removed them. For the past couple of days I haven't been able to find anything. Smart little bugger he is... He forgot this morning to put the lid back on the peanut can that he has been using. The one I thought was full of peanuts. It was full of cigarette butts.
Last weekend hubby got my son another carton of cigarettes as he has gone through 3 cartoons in just over 2 weeks. Of course smoking in his room means that he is smoking even more.
My son agreed last night to take his Olanzapine this morning... Yes as I'm sure you guessed, so far that has not happened. After I found the 'peanut can', I was thinking to myself: 'Do I really want to rock the boat and bring it up?'; as I didn't want to trigger his ODD defiance and cause him to not take the Olanzapine. Honestly what am I thinking... I'm not triggering his ODD. I'm not rockin' the boat... He is. I'm the one 'walking on eggshells' to not rock it and to what end?
I let him know this morning that if he isn't going to take the Olanzapine then he needs to call his nurse and let him know and discuss upping his Invega from 6 mg to 9 mg. Can I do it for him since I'm the one that seems to have a problem with this. Yes I absolutely have a problem with him going into psychosis, losing touch with reality and possibly one of us getting hurt. I can't hold him accountable for symptoms that he has no control over however he can be accountable for making choices that are going to cause a re-emergence of these symptoms. If he is going to make these decisions then he needs to be responsible for them and letting his treatment team know.
I also put away the rest of the carton of cigarettes that my hubby just got and let him know that I will give him a pack a day and they need to stay downstairs, not in his bedroom. Enough is enough. If hubby and I can smoke outside or in the basement then Michael can too and he is just going to have to figure that one out. I wonder how many times I have typed 'enough is enough'. Probably not enough ;) and certainly I need to have better follow through on these things or my son will just continue to break the rules with no consequences.
Ah yes the mustang. Hubby seems to be going through a phase. I feel a bit bad. I know how much he wants one and I won't tell him that he can't have one. He is the one earning a pay check after all. We did take one out for a test drive...
I'm not much for knowing about cars... She does look and sound nice though. Certainly suits hubby. It doesn't suit anything else though. The back seat was very cramped and he would lose a lot of functionality in the front as well. If it was just hubby and I, there would have been zero questions and we probably would have purchased it.
Hubby texted me this morning that one of the credit cards didn't work. I haven't been keeping close tabs on our accounts over the last week. Not that it would have mattered as some things came up that needed to be attended to. Hubby is now completely in debt in his name ;) Actually he has no more credit left and his bank account is in overdraft. Oops.
I hadn't heard from my daughter for a couple of days. Never a good thing. If she doesn't call me on the way to work, then she probably isn't working. She called me last night. She lost her painting job. That was coming and I'm surprised it took that long. She has issues with getting to work on time and having enough bus money to even get to work. She refuses to ask me for help unless it's absolutely necessary. Both hubby and I gave her some 'loving advice' on asking me for help. Regardless of where we are at financially we will gladly help her with getting a bus pass for the month. Same with getting to the doctor for a bladder infection that she has had for a long time now. She doesn't have money for the prescription. Get to the doctor and let me know how much it will cost. Good lord... She is struggling to be independent and to be strong. She is struggling to pay her rent, she is struggling to even take care of herself properly and she isn't succeeding. She needs to come home because she is taking on the responsibility of way to much and to many people where she is.
I meet with my worker at ADAPT on Tuesday. Still doing intake or background information. She asked me about complicated relationships. Haha! All of them! Some I have let go to the wayside as I really don't need them. Some are a little harder as I can't walk away from them. I have an idea of which ones play on me the most as they are the ones that my negative thoughts are on loop about and part of the reason I'm on Venlafaxine. To stop that negative loop that I dislike and I seem to have little control over lately. There is no closure or resolution.
I'm grateful and already this lady has helped me on two occasions with helping me to see what I was missing. Once regarding my husband and on Tuesday. She commented that my feelings on one relationship seemed to be motivated by fear. I know that my anger is usually fueled by something else. Hurt feelings and betrayal are the normal culprits and still do play a part however I completely overlooked fear. She was right. Fear of the damage that it has caused and continues to cause, on occasion. Damage that I have so little control over. I can usually put things behind me however I'm having trouble with this one. To the point where I'm on guard because I feel I have to be or I could easily lose my cool again. I don't like doing that.
Last weekend hubby and I found a store that sells semi-permanent titanium or grey hair dye. I have been looking for silver but no luck so far. As I have been watching my grey slowly grow in, I have been liking it. Hubby says he likes it too. So I want to highlight it with grey. I would do it myself but I don't think I could manage seeing to pull my hair through every second row of the cap.
I think I'm going to try printing my resume and taking it over to the pet store that is just around the corner. I held off as my son was interested for all of what, 24 hours... I'm no way comfortable with the idea of working full time right now as my poor home would be in shambles but part-time. I was excited a couple of weeks ago about another work from home opportunity however after looking into some reviews it appeared to be mostly another scam where you pay a lot of fees with little to no guarantee of work.
Michael has been attending the group meetings through PACT for the past 3 weeks. Thought I would throw that in there!
My quit date for quitting smoking is this weekend. Wish me luck!
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Last night my son decided to throw a wrench in things. Out of the blue he doesn't need/want his Olanzapine. It's time to try and go off them... Because barely a month of regaining some stability is long enough, I guess.
I'm sitting here trying really hard not to be pissed. For the past 3-4 weeks both myself and my hubby have been nothing but supportive and understanding. I have been patiently cleaning up his messes. Spending quality time with him doing things like messaging and scratching his back, brushing his hair, filing his nails, cuddling and even flossing his teeth. Yup you read that right. His teeth are mess. When the ashtray in the back yard, that is only 3 feet away from him, is to far away; that's ok, I take it too him. I have picking up his garbage, hosing down the yard due to his spitting... What do I ask for in return? Not very much. Perhaps that is the problem. I have been expecting way too little. In my quest to be understanding I am making things way to easy for him, again.
In my last blog post I mentioned him smoking in his room. Another thing that I have been very patient about. I have not yelled at him. I have said very little actually unless I catch him doing it. I have been keeping an eye out and finding what he uses for ashtrays when I can so that I can 'remind him' that there is no smoking in his room. A couple of times I have found the cups or containers that he uses and have removed them. For the past couple of days I haven't been able to find anything. Smart little bugger he is... He forgot this morning to put the lid back on the peanut can that he has been using. The one I thought was full of peanuts. It was full of cigarette butts.
Last weekend hubby got my son another carton of cigarettes as he has gone through 3 cartoons in just over 2 weeks. Of course smoking in his room means that he is smoking even more.
My son agreed last night to take his Olanzapine this morning... Yes as I'm sure you guessed, so far that has not happened. After I found the 'peanut can', I was thinking to myself: 'Do I really want to rock the boat and bring it up?'; as I didn't want to trigger his ODD defiance and cause him to not take the Olanzapine. Honestly what am I thinking... I'm not triggering his ODD. I'm not rockin' the boat... He is. I'm the one 'walking on eggshells' to not rock it and to what end?
I let him know this morning that if he isn't going to take the Olanzapine then he needs to call his nurse and let him know and discuss upping his Invega from 6 mg to 9 mg. Can I do it for him since I'm the one that seems to have a problem with this. Yes I absolutely have a problem with him going into psychosis, losing touch with reality and possibly one of us getting hurt. I can't hold him accountable for symptoms that he has no control over however he can be accountable for making choices that are going to cause a re-emergence of these symptoms. If he is going to make these decisions then he needs to be responsible for them and letting his treatment team know.
I also put away the rest of the carton of cigarettes that my hubby just got and let him know that I will give him a pack a day and they need to stay downstairs, not in his bedroom. Enough is enough. If hubby and I can smoke outside or in the basement then Michael can too and he is just going to have to figure that one out. I wonder how many times I have typed 'enough is enough'. Probably not enough ;) and certainly I need to have better follow through on these things or my son will just continue to break the rules with no consequences.
Ah yes the mustang. Hubby seems to be going through a phase. I feel a bit bad. I know how much he wants one and I won't tell him that he can't have one. He is the one earning a pay check after all. We did take one out for a test drive...
I'm not much for knowing about cars... She does look and sound nice though. Certainly suits hubby. It doesn't suit anything else though. The back seat was very cramped and he would lose a lot of functionality in the front as well. If it was just hubby and I, there would have been zero questions and we probably would have purchased it.
Hubby texted me this morning that one of the credit cards didn't work. I haven't been keeping close tabs on our accounts over the last week. Not that it would have mattered as some things came up that needed to be attended to. Hubby is now completely in debt in his name ;) Actually he has no more credit left and his bank account is in overdraft. Oops.
I hadn't heard from my daughter for a couple of days. Never a good thing. If she doesn't call me on the way to work, then she probably isn't working. She called me last night. She lost her painting job. That was coming and I'm surprised it took that long. She has issues with getting to work on time and having enough bus money to even get to work. She refuses to ask me for help unless it's absolutely necessary. Both hubby and I gave her some 'loving advice' on asking me for help. Regardless of where we are at financially we will gladly help her with getting a bus pass for the month. Same with getting to the doctor for a bladder infection that she has had for a long time now. She doesn't have money for the prescription. Get to the doctor and let me know how much it will cost. Good lord... She is struggling to be independent and to be strong. She is struggling to pay her rent, she is struggling to even take care of herself properly and she isn't succeeding. She needs to come home because she is taking on the responsibility of way to much and to many people where she is.
I meet with my worker at ADAPT on Tuesday. Still doing intake or background information. She asked me about complicated relationships. Haha! All of them! Some I have let go to the wayside as I really don't need them. Some are a little harder as I can't walk away from them. I have an idea of which ones play on me the most as they are the ones that my negative thoughts are on loop about and part of the reason I'm on Venlafaxine. To stop that negative loop that I dislike and I seem to have little control over lately. There is no closure or resolution.
I'm grateful and already this lady has helped me on two occasions with helping me to see what I was missing. Once regarding my husband and on Tuesday. She commented that my feelings on one relationship seemed to be motivated by fear. I know that my anger is usually fueled by something else. Hurt feelings and betrayal are the normal culprits and still do play a part however I completely overlooked fear. She was right. Fear of the damage that it has caused and continues to cause, on occasion. Damage that I have so little control over. I can usually put things behind me however I'm having trouble with this one. To the point where I'm on guard because I feel I have to be or I could easily lose my cool again. I don't like doing that.
Last weekend hubby and I found a store that sells semi-permanent titanium or grey hair dye. I have been looking for silver but no luck so far. As I have been watching my grey slowly grow in, I have been liking it. Hubby says he likes it too. So I want to highlight it with grey. I would do it myself but I don't think I could manage seeing to pull my hair through every second row of the cap.
I think I'm going to try printing my resume and taking it over to the pet store that is just around the corner. I held off as my son was interested for all of what, 24 hours... I'm no way comfortable with the idea of working full time right now as my poor home would be in shambles but part-time. I was excited a couple of weeks ago about another work from home opportunity however after looking into some reviews it appeared to be mostly another scam where you pay a lot of fees with little to no guarantee of work.
Michael has been attending the group meetings through PACT for the past 3 weeks. Thought I would throw that in there!
My quit date for quitting smoking is this weekend. Wish me luck!
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, June 12, 2015
A little bit manic? ADAPT, Camping & Rules
To anyone that follows my blog regularly, my apologies for not writing...
I seem to still be struggling a bit with getting back into my grove and my social media with respect to mental illness. I upped my Venlafaxine on Saturday to what my family doctor wants me taking as I was noticing that my thoughts were going back to that negative loop where everything and anything that I'm not impressed with was auto-repeat in my head ;). It takes a couple of days for it to build up and by Wednesday the sedation kicked in and I ended up napping and going to bed early. So hopefully I can get back on track.
Hubby's family get together went well. Very well actually. I ended up reminding/telling my son that he had money as we were taking him to get cigarettes. I asked him to hold off on buying alcohol until after the family get together as I didn't want him being symptomatic while there. He agreed to wait. I know that he found it a bit tiresome but he said that he had a good time.
He didn't buy alcohol until later Monday afternoon. My bad... but I told him that the liquor store wasn't open on Sundays. I didn't think that it was. Hubby told me afterwards that it was open.
I'm guessing it was the alcohol that triggered it; he went a bit manic on Tuesday. Out of nowhere he was putting on jeans, grooming his beard and looking for his dress shoes. We had an interesting conversation about his teeth that day. Some delusional thinking in that he believed he was 'born' when he first started having memories around 3 or 4 and that he has grown new teeth 4 times. His ODD started to act up a little bit. When I didn't engage he said to me: Come on lets talk about this... Translation, come on lets argue ;). Sorry no. I told him that I thought he was being delusional, that I gave birth to him so I know when he was born, if he had teeth or not and that I wasn't going to continue this conversation. I walked away.
He went to his PACT group the following Wednesday which was golf. He participated and had fun. His new nurse from PACT has taken him out of the house for the past two Mondays. I think he is also pushing at PACT that Michael be more involved with the outings so it doesn't look like I have to question if he is on the list for Wednesday's groups anymore. Now his rides are just showing up. I think Monday's outing to the YMCA is being looked at as well. Last Wednesday was supposed to be a trail hike but due to rain they ended up going to the mall instead.
Camping last weekend went well. He said that he had fun. It's hard to tell sometimes. He looks like he is not really paying much attention to where he is yet he must be. Hubby and I stayed up until around 10 and Michael stayed up after that watching the fire ;). His reason for wanting to go camping is the fire. The store at the campsite sells little packets that causes the flames to go different colors which is kinda cool. We got 2 of them this time. Roasted some marshmallows. Hubby and I froze our butts off that night. Not quit warm enough at night yet...
I have had 2 appointments with ADAPT now. I will be meeting with my counselor once a week until she can get through my history. Also because I'm now a client of ADAPT then I'm able to participate in another program they have called 'STOP' which is for quitting smoking. I meet with a gentleman for that Wednesday morning and he gave me a months supply of patches and some lozenges. Now I just have to set my quit date. Because of my own past history with addiction I'm a little bit of both. I'm there as a family member of an addict but I'm also a recovering addict so I should be able to attend some of the programs for that as well.
Every Friday (today) they have a get together for addiction clients where people can talk about addiction, mental illness and how to have a better life. My son keeps asking if he can come to group with hubby and I and of course the answer is no. I reminded him of a youth thing that happens on Wednesday nights however I can't go to that one so he says no. He seemed open to the idea of going to today's session so we will see depending on the weather as it's supposed to downpour. Also I think his motivation may be the food court at the mall where ADAPT is and I can't keep handing money out to these things. Every group he wants money for McDonald's...
Wednesday hubby noticed that Michael seemed a bit edgy or cranky. A week without alcohol and he was/is probably experiencing some withdrawal symptoms. Being aware of this I didn't say anything that would play into that scenario. You know the one that has the addict pushing for a fight or argument so that they have a reason to drink or use ;). I can't say that I want to go through this every time my son gets money. It may not seem like much, however it's a constant cycle of him feeding his addiction then going through withdrawal when he has to go without. Sadly it's him that is suffering with withdrawal...
Hubby and I had group again last night. It was a repeat of the same theme as the last one we attended which was concurrent disorders: addiction and mental illness. Hubby seems to be getting a lot out of these groups. It's helping him to see/hear from others, other then just me. The group last night was through the Schizophrenia Society of Ontario (SSO) and they meet once a month at that location. I was sort of aware however I will make a bigger effort in the future to attend these.
I did speak to the lady from SSO for a minute about advocacy and other things. These are the items that SSO is currently working on: Policy and Advocacy
Rules... It came to our attention on Wednesday night, I think, that my son has started smoking in his bedroom. I totally missed the red flag of my son being in his room all night. Here I was thinking: Yah he's sleeping through the night. *face palm* I'm usually more on top of it then that but I guess between upping my antidepressants and my want to not see the negatives... I totally missed it until hubby commented that upstairs smelled like cigarette smoke.
Yesterday he was smoking while I was upstairs so I smelled it. Of course he lied to me. I gave him several chances to tell me the truth and finally had to go find the 'ashtray' and take it out of his room and tell him to go outside. Once outside I brought it up and of course got the: I pay for my room... I didn't respond right away, waited a bit then said to him that I didn't want it to be that every time I bring up something that he is doing that he isn't supposed to be doing that I have to deal with his ODD. He asked what ODD was? Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He says: I'm not being defiant, ok maybe I am but that's because you won't listen. Listen to what? You want to do what you want regardless of the rules because you think you should be able to. Yes you pay for the room however that still doesn't give you the right to smoke in it. If he rented a whole apartment that was non-smoking than he still isn't allowed to smoke in it. The world has rules.
I let him know that moving forward there would be consequences to him not following this rule. Several hours later it's easy to know that he is STILL smoking in his room as he hasn't gone outside for a smoke. I let him know that I'm backing off on giving him attention until he can learn to follow this rule. This may sound harsh however if I let this boundary slip then every other rule or boundary will go out the window with it.
In last night's group there was discussion on the 'slippery slope' of addiction. Well there are slippery slopes with boundaries as well. My son loves to push them and whenever I don't try to keep them then he pushes them all. He will even tell me: Well this is a rule and you let me so I figure this rule doesn't apply either. Typical ODD behavior which is why boundary setting is so important. Regardless of all this I don't want my home full of cigarette smoke, certainly not upstairs when it contributes to my headaches and guess what? It's my home too.
So awesomely today I have totally triggered his ODD ;) by taking his cigarettes out of his room and putting them in the basement. Not an easy tightrope to walk. Enforcing the boundary without allowing this to turn into something ugly so keeping my tone neutral and not reacting to his attitude which as the moment seems to be staring me down...
I'm off to make a coffee and harass my daughter, if I can, as she hasn't been getting to work on time. All I can do is keep calling her phone...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
I seem to still be struggling a bit with getting back into my grove and my social media with respect to mental illness. I upped my Venlafaxine on Saturday to what my family doctor wants me taking as I was noticing that my thoughts were going back to that negative loop where everything and anything that I'm not impressed with was auto-repeat in my head ;). It takes a couple of days for it to build up and by Wednesday the sedation kicked in and I ended up napping and going to bed early. So hopefully I can get back on track.
Hubby's family get together went well. Very well actually. I ended up reminding/telling my son that he had money as we were taking him to get cigarettes. I asked him to hold off on buying alcohol until after the family get together as I didn't want him being symptomatic while there. He agreed to wait. I know that he found it a bit tiresome but he said that he had a good time.
He didn't buy alcohol until later Monday afternoon. My bad... but I told him that the liquor store wasn't open on Sundays. I didn't think that it was. Hubby told me afterwards that it was open.
I'm guessing it was the alcohol that triggered it; he went a bit manic on Tuesday. Out of nowhere he was putting on jeans, grooming his beard and looking for his dress shoes. We had an interesting conversation about his teeth that day. Some delusional thinking in that he believed he was 'born' when he first started having memories around 3 or 4 and that he has grown new teeth 4 times. His ODD started to act up a little bit. When I didn't engage he said to me: Come on lets talk about this... Translation, come on lets argue ;). Sorry no. I told him that I thought he was being delusional, that I gave birth to him so I know when he was born, if he had teeth or not and that I wasn't going to continue this conversation. I walked away.
He went to his PACT group the following Wednesday which was golf. He participated and had fun. His new nurse from PACT has taken him out of the house for the past two Mondays. I think he is also pushing at PACT that Michael be more involved with the outings so it doesn't look like I have to question if he is on the list for Wednesday's groups anymore. Now his rides are just showing up. I think Monday's outing to the YMCA is being looked at as well. Last Wednesday was supposed to be a trail hike but due to rain they ended up going to the mall instead.
Camping last weekend went well. He said that he had fun. It's hard to tell sometimes. He looks like he is not really paying much attention to where he is yet he must be. Hubby and I stayed up until around 10 and Michael stayed up after that watching the fire ;). His reason for wanting to go camping is the fire. The store at the campsite sells little packets that causes the flames to go different colors which is kinda cool. We got 2 of them this time. Roasted some marshmallows. Hubby and I froze our butts off that night. Not quit warm enough at night yet...
I have had 2 appointments with ADAPT now. I will be meeting with my counselor once a week until she can get through my history. Also because I'm now a client of ADAPT then I'm able to participate in another program they have called 'STOP' which is for quitting smoking. I meet with a gentleman for that Wednesday morning and he gave me a months supply of patches and some lozenges. Now I just have to set my quit date. Because of my own past history with addiction I'm a little bit of both. I'm there as a family member of an addict but I'm also a recovering addict so I should be able to attend some of the programs for that as well.
Every Friday (today) they have a get together for addiction clients where people can talk about addiction, mental illness and how to have a better life. My son keeps asking if he can come to group with hubby and I and of course the answer is no. I reminded him of a youth thing that happens on Wednesday nights however I can't go to that one so he says no. He seemed open to the idea of going to today's session so we will see depending on the weather as it's supposed to downpour. Also I think his motivation may be the food court at the mall where ADAPT is and I can't keep handing money out to these things. Every group he wants money for McDonald's...
Wednesday hubby noticed that Michael seemed a bit edgy or cranky. A week without alcohol and he was/is probably experiencing some withdrawal symptoms. Being aware of this I didn't say anything that would play into that scenario. You know the one that has the addict pushing for a fight or argument so that they have a reason to drink or use ;). I can't say that I want to go through this every time my son gets money. It may not seem like much, however it's a constant cycle of him feeding his addiction then going through withdrawal when he has to go without. Sadly it's him that is suffering with withdrawal...
Hubby and I had group again last night. It was a repeat of the same theme as the last one we attended which was concurrent disorders: addiction and mental illness. Hubby seems to be getting a lot out of these groups. It's helping him to see/hear from others, other then just me. The group last night was through the Schizophrenia Society of Ontario (SSO) and they meet once a month at that location. I was sort of aware however I will make a bigger effort in the future to attend these.
I did speak to the lady from SSO for a minute about advocacy and other things. These are the items that SSO is currently working on: Policy and Advocacy
Rules... It came to our attention on Wednesday night, I think, that my son has started smoking in his bedroom. I totally missed the red flag of my son being in his room all night. Here I was thinking: Yah he's sleeping through the night. *face palm* I'm usually more on top of it then that but I guess between upping my antidepressants and my want to not see the negatives... I totally missed it until hubby commented that upstairs smelled like cigarette smoke.
Yesterday he was smoking while I was upstairs so I smelled it. Of course he lied to me. I gave him several chances to tell me the truth and finally had to go find the 'ashtray' and take it out of his room and tell him to go outside. Once outside I brought it up and of course got the: I pay for my room... I didn't respond right away, waited a bit then said to him that I didn't want it to be that every time I bring up something that he is doing that he isn't supposed to be doing that I have to deal with his ODD. He asked what ODD was? Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He says: I'm not being defiant, ok maybe I am but that's because you won't listen. Listen to what? You want to do what you want regardless of the rules because you think you should be able to. Yes you pay for the room however that still doesn't give you the right to smoke in it. If he rented a whole apartment that was non-smoking than he still isn't allowed to smoke in it. The world has rules.
I let him know that moving forward there would be consequences to him not following this rule. Several hours later it's easy to know that he is STILL smoking in his room as he hasn't gone outside for a smoke. I let him know that I'm backing off on giving him attention until he can learn to follow this rule. This may sound harsh however if I let this boundary slip then every other rule or boundary will go out the window with it.
In last night's group there was discussion on the 'slippery slope' of addiction. Well there are slippery slopes with boundaries as well. My son loves to push them and whenever I don't try to keep them then he pushes them all. He will even tell me: Well this is a rule and you let me so I figure this rule doesn't apply either. Typical ODD behavior which is why boundary setting is so important. Regardless of all this I don't want my home full of cigarette smoke, certainly not upstairs when it contributes to my headaches and guess what? It's my home too.
So awesomely today I have totally triggered his ODD ;) by taking his cigarettes out of his room and putting them in the basement. Not an easy tightrope to walk. Enforcing the boundary without allowing this to turn into something ugly so keeping my tone neutral and not reacting to his attitude which as the moment seems to be staring me down...
I'm off to make a coffee and harass my daughter, if I can, as she hasn't been getting to work on time. All I can do is keep calling her phone...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, March 20, 2015
Spring, Gucci & A Little Progress.
Today is the first day of spring! Yah! hmmm... Can't say it feels like it. It's currently 31 F or -1 C. Real feel 5 C. I wonder if other countries do this? I always look at the real feel because it rarely feels like the actual temperature.
Today is also International Day of Happiness!
On Tuesday we went to the local human society and adopted Gucci. She will be 2 on June 1st and is tiny and cute. She seems to be settling in and my son likes her too. He wasn't that interested on the day that we got her. He had gone out and bought 2 small bottles of alcohol the night before and drank them so he wasn't in touch with his emotions that day. He has warmed up to her though and spends some time in the morning cuddling with her. Here she is in her normal daytime napping spot.
On Tuesday we also stopped into ADAPT since hubby was home. I asked about the fact that I was told that the lady from Ready4Life was supposed to be engaging their services on behalf of my son. Apparently she can't do that. I have tried to put aside my feelings of not liking this lady however it's hard when time and time again she proves that her word can't be trusted. If she works with ADAPT as she claimed, she should have been aware that she was unable to do this that it has to be my son contacting them. At the very least she should have stated she would look into it, not declare that she was going to do it. For weeks his case worker from PACT has been trying to reach ADAPT to follow up on this as she too believed the lady from Ready4Life. Even with my tolerance of people that I usually have, this lady still manages to astound me with her incompetence. Even with my son there I could not make an appointment for him. He had to come to the window and book the appointment himself. He has an appointment set for April 14. I also got some literature on family help and hopefully he will get referred to some services that deal with concurrent disorders of addiction and mental illness after he has his interview. Forewarned they have a waiting list...
Hubby has upped his Cipralex again. He did this on his own since he was having trouble coping with where my son is at. I get it. It's not easy watching my son making choices that are hindering his recovery. And I'm sure it's not easy watching me not put my foot down more often. He has been coping much better with the upped dosage and is back to reading his book on mindfulness :)
Yesterday we had an appointment with disability. I finally got through to his worker last week after calling the supervisor, again. Apparently she didn't receive any phone calls from us... Anyways... I wasn't sure exactly what was going to happen however I was hoping for some things to finally happen. I didn't say much during the appointment and let his worker do most of the talking. Starting with I do believe this upcoming payment, the room and board portion will be coming directly to me. From now on there will be a pay direct on his file for room and board or rent since there is concerns over him becoming homeless due to his resistance in paying these necessities on his own. She explained that the office has a responsibility and directive to ensure their clients are not homeless.
She also gave him (me) some information on a trustee through some other agencies. That if he is unable to budget his portion of his payments than that may have to be looked into. I can't say that my son was overly impressed. Sadly though it's his choices that have brought us to this and little that I am willing to do to correct it. Nothing actually. Knowing that my son can't randomly decide to put himself into the shelter system in order to fund his addictions is a relief.
Before we went into the appointment he was talking about asking them to raise his payments as he would like at least $400 a month spending/entertainment money. Wouldn't we all! He didn't ask. After the appointment he started complaining about how unfair it was. That he deserves to be happy. Yes we all deserve to be happy however we all have to work at getting that. Once he commented that death seemed to be the happiest option. I didn't respond.
Later he talked about moving... No surprise there. He stated that the only way he was going to learn how to take care of himself was to be unhappy so that he is forced to learn. Something like that. I ended up questioning him on this line of thinking since he is always saying how I need to be more lenient so that he can be happy. So how he is supposed to learn how to take care of himself if that means being unhappy and he doesn't think he should be? So others are supposed to not be happy so that they can cater to him? He is special however he isn't more special then anyone else. If I could change how he was taught that everyone is secondary to him... You get out of this life what you put into it and the world doesn't owe him anything.
I got our taxes done on Wednesday. Hopefully that gets processed fairly quickly as some bills could really use it ;).
So my son has been 4 days? without alcohol that I know of. He has missed a dose of medications here and there due to forgetting to take at night or sleeping in to long. No overt signs of voices. I guess we have about a week or so before he gets money... Honestly whether I wanted to or not, I wish disability had made me trustee so that we don't have to go through this every month. Just start to get him stable and recovering and repeat.
Going to go make a decaf coffee and see what it's like out. Supposed to go up to 8 C. Also have to look up recipes on making ribs as I can't seem to find the one that I can make work. Hoping to make a good dinner. Ribs, corn on the cob, salad and homemade bread. Lately my son and hubby seem to be really enjoying my cooking! Been trying some new salad recipes.
Check out: Walmart Live Better
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Today is also International Day of Happiness!
On Tuesday we went to the local human society and adopted Gucci. She will be 2 on June 1st and is tiny and cute. She seems to be settling in and my son likes her too. He wasn't that interested on the day that we got her. He had gone out and bought 2 small bottles of alcohol the night before and drank them so he wasn't in touch with his emotions that day. He has warmed up to her though and spends some time in the morning cuddling with her. Here she is in her normal daytime napping spot.
On Tuesday we also stopped into ADAPT since hubby was home. I asked about the fact that I was told that the lady from Ready4Life was supposed to be engaging their services on behalf of my son. Apparently she can't do that. I have tried to put aside my feelings of not liking this lady however it's hard when time and time again she proves that her word can't be trusted. If she works with ADAPT as she claimed, she should have been aware that she was unable to do this that it has to be my son contacting them. At the very least she should have stated she would look into it, not declare that she was going to do it. For weeks his case worker from PACT has been trying to reach ADAPT to follow up on this as she too believed the lady from Ready4Life. Even with my tolerance of people that I usually have, this lady still manages to astound me with her incompetence. Even with my son there I could not make an appointment for him. He had to come to the window and book the appointment himself. He has an appointment set for April 14. I also got some literature on family help and hopefully he will get referred to some services that deal with concurrent disorders of addiction and mental illness after he has his interview. Forewarned they have a waiting list...
Hubby has upped his Cipralex again. He did this on his own since he was having trouble coping with where my son is at. I get it. It's not easy watching my son making choices that are hindering his recovery. And I'm sure it's not easy watching me not put my foot down more often. He has been coping much better with the upped dosage and is back to reading his book on mindfulness :)
Yesterday we had an appointment with disability. I finally got through to his worker last week after calling the supervisor, again. Apparently she didn't receive any phone calls from us... Anyways... I wasn't sure exactly what was going to happen however I was hoping for some things to finally happen. I didn't say much during the appointment and let his worker do most of the talking. Starting with I do believe this upcoming payment, the room and board portion will be coming directly to me. From now on there will be a pay direct on his file for room and board or rent since there is concerns over him becoming homeless due to his resistance in paying these necessities on his own. She explained that the office has a responsibility and directive to ensure their clients are not homeless.
She also gave him (me) some information on a trustee through some other agencies. That if he is unable to budget his portion of his payments than that may have to be looked into. I can't say that my son was overly impressed. Sadly though it's his choices that have brought us to this and little that I am willing to do to correct it. Nothing actually. Knowing that my son can't randomly decide to put himself into the shelter system in order to fund his addictions is a relief.
Before we went into the appointment he was talking about asking them to raise his payments as he would like at least $400 a month spending/entertainment money. Wouldn't we all! He didn't ask. After the appointment he started complaining about how unfair it was. That he deserves to be happy. Yes we all deserve to be happy however we all have to work at getting that. Once he commented that death seemed to be the happiest option. I didn't respond.
Later he talked about moving... No surprise there. He stated that the only way he was going to learn how to take care of himself was to be unhappy so that he is forced to learn. Something like that. I ended up questioning him on this line of thinking since he is always saying how I need to be more lenient so that he can be happy. So how he is supposed to learn how to take care of himself if that means being unhappy and he doesn't think he should be? So others are supposed to not be happy so that they can cater to him? He is special however he isn't more special then anyone else. If I could change how he was taught that everyone is secondary to him... You get out of this life what you put into it and the world doesn't owe him anything.
I got our taxes done on Wednesday. Hopefully that gets processed fairly quickly as some bills could really use it ;).
So my son has been 4 days? without alcohol that I know of. He has missed a dose of medications here and there due to forgetting to take at night or sleeping in to long. No overt signs of voices. I guess we have about a week or so before he gets money... Honestly whether I wanted to or not, I wish disability had made me trustee so that we don't have to go through this every month. Just start to get him stable and recovering and repeat.
Going to go make a decaf coffee and see what it's like out. Supposed to go up to 8 C. Also have to look up recipes on making ribs as I can't seem to find the one that I can make work. Hoping to make a good dinner. Ribs, corn on the cob, salad and homemade bread. Lately my son and hubby seem to be really enjoying my cooking! Been trying some new salad recipes.
Check out: Walmart Live Better
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Liar liar pants on fire
I came across this picture today and it made me giggle. As any caregiver of someone with a mental illness knows, we sometimes need a little humor in our lives.
Wouldn't it be nice... Or if their noses grew like Pinocchio. Honestly it's not just our mentally ill loved ones. I would like to see this happen to a lot of grown ups I know too. ;)
Monday night things went south again. This time I can at least have the comfort of knowing that I did nothing to provoke it.
I was in bed when my son came into my room. He started and I asked him to leave, letting him know that I didn't appreciate how he has been talking to me and that there was no excuse for it. Him getting mad is not a good enough reason for calling me the things that he did. He left my room however stood outside the door continued to try and 'reason' with hubby and I that he was entitled to make up the rules since it's his place because he pays half the rent. The fact that he hasn't paid us anything since July 2014 is apparently a mood point to him. I closed my bedroom door. He kept it up. I asked him to stop. The swearing at me started... It still surprises me sometimes when I can hear it his tone that he is very much in control over what he is saying and swearing or calling me names on purpose.
Finally I opened the door and stop in front of him and told him he needed to stop or leave. He grabbed my arm and pushed me. Apparently I made the mistake of standing in front of his bedroom door and according to him he was justified in pushing me because I was in the way. If he had wanted in his bedroom he could have went in there instead of standing outside my bedroom door swearing and calling me names. There was no indication that he wanted to go into his room.
I told him that if he touched me like that again I would have him charged. I could still see and feel where he grabbed me 45 minutes later. Sshh Hubby doesn't know this. Hubby heard me say this and got out of bed saying this was enough. The sight that greeted him when he got to my son's bedroom door... My son pulling down his pants, showing me his ass and telling me to kiss it! Adorable isn't he? I told my husband to not get involved and pushed him back because yes my hubby was not impressed. For me, seeing my son's ass defused my anger. All I could think as I looked at it was: Boy if you were 5 years old I would be paddling that ass! Before you think child abuse! No I didn't make it a habit of spanking my kids ;)
I just looked at my son and told him that the way he was acting and the words coming out of his mouth were disgusting. He actually looked a little shocked. Then said he was going to call COAST which is the crisis outreach team in our area. Ok.. Make sure you tell them that you just pushed your mother and have been swearing and calling her names. Suddenly he was all business. Called them and said that he needed assistance and a place to stay. I went back to my bedroom and let him do his thing. I could hear by his answers that they were asking him mental health questions. He then called some shelters.
What floored me was he then called 911 stating that he needed a place to go because his mom's husband had physically threatened him with violence. I just sat there as I listened to him give 911 my husbands name. Pictures of my hubby being hulled off in handcuffs. Yes I know I was overreacting but seriously you never know. It's not like the police haven't made things worse before. I did nothing. My son started packing his stuff. He's getting good at this part. Hubby and I went out for a smoke as I wanted to meet the police when they arrived and let them know what had really happened.
They came in. The one officer pointed out to my son that the police were not a taxi service. The other officer told my son when he again spoke about my hubby threatening violence, that he was an adult and perfectly within his rights to leave if he didn't like it here. They left with him and took him to a shelter.
When my son was making his phone calls it hit me. What this was all about. No one had said anything to him about a shelter. No one had threatened him. He wanted this to happen. Why? Because he doesn't want to pay me room and board from the check he thinks he is getting this week. This is what happened in September 2014. He got to keep the whole check and he got high. Yes he got robbed of most of it but he still got marijuana. In his eyes that's a win. The way that he became totally coherent to make the calls and write down the numbers... Mind boggling.
What I was seeing had little to do with schizophrenia and a whole lot to do with addiction and manipulation. He couldn't get benzo's from his treatment team or hospital so he went with plan B. Honestly who can blame him. It worked the last time.
I find myself yet again in between that proverbial rock and a hard place. The rock being my right to not be abused and to be treated with respect and the hard place being my son's schizophrenia and addiction. I get that he isn't stable right now. I get that he is being controlled by addiction and perhaps some delusional thinking. Still... Son or not... I don't have to accept this type of behavior. No where in all the information regarding addiction or mental illness does it state that family members should allow themselves to be abused because a loved one has a mental illness.
My son called me yesterday. Mom, I want to come home... Has my check come in? I guess he forgot that in September he left with his check on him. Ops! I told him he couldn't come home right now that he caused this to happen and he has to deal with the consequences. I asked if he called for another reason other then wanting his check? Well I do want my check...
I know what shelter he is in and it's actually fairly nice. As far as I know it's the one he went to for a couple of hours the last time he called 911. Industrial area so shouldn't be drug traffic. Nice main room with computers and TV. You could tell the people there were a different crowd then the one he was in in September. I'm not worried about him there. Really if my son wants trouble bad enough he can find even from here. They will lock up and administer his medications. He will be fed and on a sensible sleep schedule. Honestly it's probably a good spot for him right now.
My biggest concern right now is trying to figure out what is happening with his disability payment. Yes I want my portion for room and board. We could use the money. He isn't cheap to support! Although my main concern is him not getting it. I know that sounds harsh but I live in reality. $800 would most likely get him in jail or worse. At the very least another psychotic break when he hasn't recovered from the last one.
I called disability and reception would not put me through to a supervisor this time. Told me to leave his worker another message and to fax them something stating my concerns. So I walked to Staples and faxed them a letter stating that my son doesn't want to pay me room and board for the second time and that I'm pretty sure he wants the money for drugs and I'm fearful of him ending up in jail or worse. He is not capable of handling his own finances. That was 4 hours ago. No phone call yet...
I did talk to his case worker at PACT. She has been trying to get in contact with the shelter. She had talked to my son's psychiatrist and team and his psychiatrist stated absolutely no benzos. I told her what has happened and she said it sounds behavioral. Honestly as time goes by I'm in agreement. I do know it's being fueled by his symptoms and addiction however it's still his choice to act the way that he is. He believes that no one else matters, period.
I did leave a message at the shelter to have someone call me.
So here we are again... Maybe this time he will get the help that he needs.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Wouldn't it be nice... Or if their noses grew like Pinocchio. Honestly it's not just our mentally ill loved ones. I would like to see this happen to a lot of grown ups I know too. ;)
Monday night things went south again. This time I can at least have the comfort of knowing that I did nothing to provoke it.
I was in bed when my son came into my room. He started and I asked him to leave, letting him know that I didn't appreciate how he has been talking to me and that there was no excuse for it. Him getting mad is not a good enough reason for calling me the things that he did. He left my room however stood outside the door continued to try and 'reason' with hubby and I that he was entitled to make up the rules since it's his place because he pays half the rent. The fact that he hasn't paid us anything since July 2014 is apparently a mood point to him. I closed my bedroom door. He kept it up. I asked him to stop. The swearing at me started... It still surprises me sometimes when I can hear it his tone that he is very much in control over what he is saying and swearing or calling me names on purpose.
Finally I opened the door and stop in front of him and told him he needed to stop or leave. He grabbed my arm and pushed me. Apparently I made the mistake of standing in front of his bedroom door and according to him he was justified in pushing me because I was in the way. If he had wanted in his bedroom he could have went in there instead of standing outside my bedroom door swearing and calling me names. There was no indication that he wanted to go into his room.
I told him that if he touched me like that again I would have him charged. I could still see and feel where he grabbed me 45 minutes later. Sshh Hubby doesn't know this. Hubby heard me say this and got out of bed saying this was enough. The sight that greeted him when he got to my son's bedroom door... My son pulling down his pants, showing me his ass and telling me to kiss it! Adorable isn't he? I told my husband to not get involved and pushed him back because yes my hubby was not impressed. For me, seeing my son's ass defused my anger. All I could think as I looked at it was: Boy if you were 5 years old I would be paddling that ass! Before you think child abuse! No I didn't make it a habit of spanking my kids ;)
I just looked at my son and told him that the way he was acting and the words coming out of his mouth were disgusting. He actually looked a little shocked. Then said he was going to call COAST which is the crisis outreach team in our area. Ok.. Make sure you tell them that you just pushed your mother and have been swearing and calling her names. Suddenly he was all business. Called them and said that he needed assistance and a place to stay. I went back to my bedroom and let him do his thing. I could hear by his answers that they were asking him mental health questions. He then called some shelters.
What floored me was he then called 911 stating that he needed a place to go because his mom's husband had physically threatened him with violence. I just sat there as I listened to him give 911 my husbands name. Pictures of my hubby being hulled off in handcuffs. Yes I know I was overreacting but seriously you never know. It's not like the police haven't made things worse before. I did nothing. My son started packing his stuff. He's getting good at this part. Hubby and I went out for a smoke as I wanted to meet the police when they arrived and let them know what had really happened.
They came in. The one officer pointed out to my son that the police were not a taxi service. The other officer told my son when he again spoke about my hubby threatening violence, that he was an adult and perfectly within his rights to leave if he didn't like it here. They left with him and took him to a shelter.
When my son was making his phone calls it hit me. What this was all about. No one had said anything to him about a shelter. No one had threatened him. He wanted this to happen. Why? Because he doesn't want to pay me room and board from the check he thinks he is getting this week. This is what happened in September 2014. He got to keep the whole check and he got high. Yes he got robbed of most of it but he still got marijuana. In his eyes that's a win. The way that he became totally coherent to make the calls and write down the numbers... Mind boggling.
What I was seeing had little to do with schizophrenia and a whole lot to do with addiction and manipulation. He couldn't get benzo's from his treatment team or hospital so he went with plan B. Honestly who can blame him. It worked the last time.
I find myself yet again in between that proverbial rock and a hard place. The rock being my right to not be abused and to be treated with respect and the hard place being my son's schizophrenia and addiction. I get that he isn't stable right now. I get that he is being controlled by addiction and perhaps some delusional thinking. Still... Son or not... I don't have to accept this type of behavior. No where in all the information regarding addiction or mental illness does it state that family members should allow themselves to be abused because a loved one has a mental illness.
My son called me yesterday. Mom, I want to come home... Has my check come in? I guess he forgot that in September he left with his check on him. Ops! I told him he couldn't come home right now that he caused this to happen and he has to deal with the consequences. I asked if he called for another reason other then wanting his check? Well I do want my check...
I know what shelter he is in and it's actually fairly nice. As far as I know it's the one he went to for a couple of hours the last time he called 911. Industrial area so shouldn't be drug traffic. Nice main room with computers and TV. You could tell the people there were a different crowd then the one he was in in September. I'm not worried about him there. Really if my son wants trouble bad enough he can find even from here. They will lock up and administer his medications. He will be fed and on a sensible sleep schedule. Honestly it's probably a good spot for him right now.
My biggest concern right now is trying to figure out what is happening with his disability payment. Yes I want my portion for room and board. We could use the money. He isn't cheap to support! Although my main concern is him not getting it. I know that sounds harsh but I live in reality. $800 would most likely get him in jail or worse. At the very least another psychotic break when he hasn't recovered from the last one.
I called disability and reception would not put me through to a supervisor this time. Told me to leave his worker another message and to fax them something stating my concerns. So I walked to Staples and faxed them a letter stating that my son doesn't want to pay me room and board for the second time and that I'm pretty sure he wants the money for drugs and I'm fearful of him ending up in jail or worse. He is not capable of handling his own finances. That was 4 hours ago. No phone call yet...
I did talk to his case worker at PACT. She has been trying to get in contact with the shelter. She had talked to my son's psychiatrist and team and his psychiatrist stated absolutely no benzos. I told her what has happened and she said it sounds behavioral. Honestly as time goes by I'm in agreement. I do know it's being fueled by his symptoms and addiction however it's still his choice to act the way that he is. He believes that no one else matters, period.
I did leave a message at the shelter to have someone call me.
So here we are again... Maybe this time he will get the help that he needs.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Monday, February 9, 2015
It's none of your business... It doesn't take much.
First I would like to highlight some of the reading that I have been doing the last couple of days.
This blog caught my attention and I'm loving it: Behind The Walls
A couple of articles in particular that I really liked are: "Why a fear of labels can cause more damage then calling it like it is" and "The dangers of 'coddling' a child who lives with a serious mental illness. Five ways to be supportive instead".
Another site that I came across is: Empowering Parents
3 Parenting styles that undermine your authority
The Jekyll and Hyde Child
I have read and reread articles on keeping boundaries in place and keeping to the rules even more so when dealing with ADHD and/or ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). Still I let them slip...
Saturday night I didn't stop him from sleeping on the sofa. Maybe one day I will learn... We had a good dinner. The chicken turned out good. Hubby again had to go snow plowing and left early evening. Around 9 or 10 I suggested to my son that he take an Olanzapine to knock out the voices and to get a good nights sleep as he hadn't slept much the night before and was up all day. He surprisingly easily agreed and went and took one and his Invega. Then dragged his blanket out to the sofa... I tidied up his room and fixed up his bed and told him to go to bed and watch his tablet or something. He went to bed and I went to read in bed.
Within about 15 minutes I could hear him almost hysterically laughing. I went to check on him as for a minute I wondered if he was crying... No he was laughing. I again suggested he watch something on his tablet as he wasn't helping himself by putting so much attention into the voices. I told him that if he continued to do so that he may make it worse and possibly bring on tactile hallucination which I know he doesn't like. He did start playing a game on it. For about 10 minutes... Then he was dragging his blanket out to the sofa again stating he was going to watch TV. I reminded him that he wasn't sleeping on the sofa.
I dosed off for a bit and woke up I think around 11:30. Of course he is asleep on the sofa. I wake him up and he states: I'm going to sleep here tonight. No you are not. Hubby wasn't home but he would need the sofa when he got home since that is where he sleeps now due to his restless legs being so bad. I nicely shooed him off to bed. My hubby's pillow was soaked with my son's sweat. I'm sure the sofa was too. So I took off the pillow case and went hunting for another one. Didn't find one ;)
My son got up around 11:30 today. I asked: How did you sleep? Good. Then I asked: How are the voices? I guess today that question wasn't ok again. I got told it was none of my business. This time I let him know that that comment pissed me off. I didn't yell or anything like that however I did calmly tell him that he had pissed me off. That he is my business and so is his mental health. If he is not my business than he can call disability today and straighten out his file since he is on it due to his mental health which is none of my business. Then I went for a smoke. Sadly I'm smoking more lately...
A little while later he decides to tell me that he has no entities and that the they are voices now and aren't real. I had to ask him: Now was that so hard? Reality is he probably wants me to call disability for him.
Several hours later I brought up to him about sleeping on the sofa and that he had slept on my hubby's pillow and soaked it with sweat. He insists he didn't sleep on the sofa... He started bringing out the room and board contract we had signed stating I couldn't do... I pulled it out and read it. Along with the things he is supposed to be doing per the contract and isn't. It was starting to turn into a disagreement so I finally said: If you don't want to acknowledge it then that's ok. And I started putting my stuff on to go out for another smoke!
I'm not sure where the verbal outburst came from but it came... I got called a string of derogatory comments and swore at. So many I couldn't count them. I calmly walked over to where the wireless internet is and unplugged it stating: Well you have lost the internet for a while. (Rule is one day for each offense so I think around 10?) He calmly got up and left for a smoke. Now the tell-tale sign that my son was in complete control over what he was saying was the fact that when he left he very quietly closed the front door. The way he had talked to me was on purpose.
Shortly after his case worker showed up with his Invega. I gave her a quick rundown. She tried to talk to him and he laughed it off, said it was funny that he called me what he did. Then he tried asking for Ativan. Could he get it if he went to the hospital? She said not likely that his psychiatrist won't prescribe it and it's on his file at the hospital that he is benzo seeking.
I did discuss with his case worker then I'm really believing that the Olanzapine is bringing out aggression in my son. This is probably the 3rd time that I have seen him become more aggressive after taking it. Everyone says it shouldn't... Tell that to my son ;) Don't get me wrong as I do believe he was in control and that it is behavioral just being fueled by something. Either the Olanzapine or voices... Yet the Olanzapine seems to knock out the voices so that would even more point to the fact that his behavior is not schizophrenia related. I'm seriously on the fence with the Olanzapine. Knock out voices vs. apparently causing aggression.
I did bring up perhaps upping his Invega due to the brief conversation my son and I had Sunday morning about the fact that he shouldn't have to be killing entities in his head like he was. He stated he liked doing it... laughing at her. Finally I just said to his worker that he doesn't appear to be stable enough to be having this conversation. Although I would bet a paycheck (if I had one) on the fact that he made it appear worse to strengthen his case on needing/wanting benzos. She is going to talk to his team about his behavior and see what they have to say. She may also be scheduling him an appointment with his psychiatrist as he is due and discussed having him participate in some of the groups and activities. One of them being swimming on Mondays. She thinks he needs out more. I agree.
He is supposed to make dinner tonight. We had spoken about that this morning. Before the disagreement ;). Hubby is now home and it's dinner time. I haven't reminded him will be his reason for not doing it. It's on his calendar which is on the end table... that he refuses to look it.
Perhaps another dinner out for hubby and I. He has been working so much I have hardly seen him this last week or so, so we could do with the one on one time.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
This blog caught my attention and I'm loving it: Behind The Walls
A couple of articles in particular that I really liked are: "Why a fear of labels can cause more damage then calling it like it is" and "The dangers of 'coddling' a child who lives with a serious mental illness. Five ways to be supportive instead".
Another site that I came across is: Empowering Parents
3 Parenting styles that undermine your authority
The Jekyll and Hyde Child
I have read and reread articles on keeping boundaries in place and keeping to the rules even more so when dealing with ADHD and/or ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). Still I let them slip...
Saturday night I didn't stop him from sleeping on the sofa. Maybe one day I will learn... We had a good dinner. The chicken turned out good. Hubby again had to go snow plowing and left early evening. Around 9 or 10 I suggested to my son that he take an Olanzapine to knock out the voices and to get a good nights sleep as he hadn't slept much the night before and was up all day. He surprisingly easily agreed and went and took one and his Invega. Then dragged his blanket out to the sofa... I tidied up his room and fixed up his bed and told him to go to bed and watch his tablet or something. He went to bed and I went to read in bed.
Within about 15 minutes I could hear him almost hysterically laughing. I went to check on him as for a minute I wondered if he was crying... No he was laughing. I again suggested he watch something on his tablet as he wasn't helping himself by putting so much attention into the voices. I told him that if he continued to do so that he may make it worse and possibly bring on tactile hallucination which I know he doesn't like. He did start playing a game on it. For about 10 minutes... Then he was dragging his blanket out to the sofa again stating he was going to watch TV. I reminded him that he wasn't sleeping on the sofa.
I dosed off for a bit and woke up I think around 11:30. Of course he is asleep on the sofa. I wake him up and he states: I'm going to sleep here tonight. No you are not. Hubby wasn't home but he would need the sofa when he got home since that is where he sleeps now due to his restless legs being so bad. I nicely shooed him off to bed. My hubby's pillow was soaked with my son's sweat. I'm sure the sofa was too. So I took off the pillow case and went hunting for another one. Didn't find one ;)
My son got up around 11:30 today. I asked: How did you sleep? Good. Then I asked: How are the voices? I guess today that question wasn't ok again. I got told it was none of my business. This time I let him know that that comment pissed me off. I didn't yell or anything like that however I did calmly tell him that he had pissed me off. That he is my business and so is his mental health. If he is not my business than he can call disability today and straighten out his file since he is on it due to his mental health which is none of my business. Then I went for a smoke. Sadly I'm smoking more lately...
A little while later he decides to tell me that he has no entities and that the they are voices now and aren't real. I had to ask him: Now was that so hard? Reality is he probably wants me to call disability for him.
Several hours later I brought up to him about sleeping on the sofa and that he had slept on my hubby's pillow and soaked it with sweat. He insists he didn't sleep on the sofa... He started bringing out the room and board contract we had signed stating I couldn't do... I pulled it out and read it. Along with the things he is supposed to be doing per the contract and isn't. It was starting to turn into a disagreement so I finally said: If you don't want to acknowledge it then that's ok. And I started putting my stuff on to go out for another smoke!
I'm not sure where the verbal outburst came from but it came... I got called a string of derogatory comments and swore at. So many I couldn't count them. I calmly walked over to where the wireless internet is and unplugged it stating: Well you have lost the internet for a while. (Rule is one day for each offense so I think around 10?) He calmly got up and left for a smoke. Now the tell-tale sign that my son was in complete control over what he was saying was the fact that when he left he very quietly closed the front door. The way he had talked to me was on purpose.
Shortly after his case worker showed up with his Invega. I gave her a quick rundown. She tried to talk to him and he laughed it off, said it was funny that he called me what he did. Then he tried asking for Ativan. Could he get it if he went to the hospital? She said not likely that his psychiatrist won't prescribe it and it's on his file at the hospital that he is benzo seeking.
I did discuss with his case worker then I'm really believing that the Olanzapine is bringing out aggression in my son. This is probably the 3rd time that I have seen him become more aggressive after taking it. Everyone says it shouldn't... Tell that to my son ;) Don't get me wrong as I do believe he was in control and that it is behavioral just being fueled by something. Either the Olanzapine or voices... Yet the Olanzapine seems to knock out the voices so that would even more point to the fact that his behavior is not schizophrenia related. I'm seriously on the fence with the Olanzapine. Knock out voices vs. apparently causing aggression.
I did bring up perhaps upping his Invega due to the brief conversation my son and I had Sunday morning about the fact that he shouldn't have to be killing entities in his head like he was. He stated he liked doing it... laughing at her. Finally I just said to his worker that he doesn't appear to be stable enough to be having this conversation. Although I would bet a paycheck (if I had one) on the fact that he made it appear worse to strengthen his case on needing/wanting benzos. She is going to talk to his team about his behavior and see what they have to say. She may also be scheduling him an appointment with his psychiatrist as he is due and discussed having him participate in some of the groups and activities. One of them being swimming on Mondays. She thinks he needs out more. I agree.
He is supposed to make dinner tonight. We had spoken about that this morning. Before the disagreement ;). Hubby is now home and it's dinner time. I haven't reminded him will be his reason for not doing it. It's on his calendar which is on the end table... that he refuses to look it.
Perhaps another dinner out for hubby and I. He has been working so much I have hardly seen him this last week or so, so we could do with the one on one time.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Support & Facebook Page
Yesterday hubby and I did go for dinner together. I'm glad that we did. Sometimes it feels really good to get out and spend some one on one time with my hubby that isn't centered around grocery shopping, doctor's appointments or errands. Around 7 PM my son asks: Are you making dinner? No...
His case worker was here today and discussed with him what support meant. Asked him when the last time was that he went grocery shopping by himself? Never. Does he know how to grocery shop or what to look for? He knows what he likes to eat. Does he have any bills that he pays? No. Does he cook meals? No. Does he know how to use public transit? Yes (if there is drugs or alcohol involved lol). Does he do his own laundry? Yes (still not done from two weeks ago). Does he shower regularly? When it gets bad enough (when I insist). Does he know what medications he is taking or prescribed? Yes Invega (and Olanzapine). Does he know the doses? No. Does he take them on his own? Yes (I remind him sometimes/usually).
His case worker had him call and leave a message with the lady from housing support stating that he now understands what support means and that he is willing to accept it. I stayed out of the conversation as much as I could so that I didn't trigger any defiance in him. :)
Yesterday I was informed that his psychiatrist had discontinued his Trazodone prescription. Today I asked his case worker why because even though me may not take it often, sometimes it is needed and it's a PRN anyways... Apparently his nurse had advised his psychiatrist that he wasn't taking it so that is why. Good logic! If he stops taking his Invega would they stop prescribing that too?! Geesh! His case worker said she would let them know that he does take it sometimes.
You may want to hold onto something... My son just did the dishes! I think I'm smiling like an idiot, on the inside anyways. As much as I would like to make a big deal of this I know that it's not a good idea. Sometimes it can be taken as belittling or condescending and with my son it usually gives him the ok to not do anything else... I did say a very nice thank you! Think I'm going to go outside for a cigarette so I can smile like an idiot for a minute! Be right back...
Remember the calendars that I said I was going to print yesterday? Well I printed some for this month and next month. I noted what days he is supposed to cook, do dishes and clean the toilet. Today is the day for dishes. Of course he isn't looking at them on his own. Baby steps right? I pointed out to him that today is dishes day. No movement to do them... A little while later I reminded him again. He asked what was for dinner and if it could be the salmon I took out yesterday. I did buy it because he said he likes salmon. I told him we were having salmon but I wasn't going to start dinner until he did the dishes and that it would be better for him to do them before I made more dirty. If he didn't do the dishes then I wouldn't cook dinner and I would go out instead. He said this wasn't fair. I asked if he had any money? No. When he does then we will discuss fair.
Shortly after he got up to do the dishes asking for help as he had no idea how. I helped him get started and he did them! Soap suds galore! :) I'm also making honey roasted carrots for dinner since he really likes them too! Wish me luck on the salmon as I think this is my first attempt at making it.
I decided to start a Facebook page. I sometimes feel like I may be over posting mental health posts on my normal news feed. I started one before but I never gave it much of a chance. With this page I can post to my hearts content! Also I can't post news articles etc here so I feel like I'm missing out on passing on information that someone may find useful.
If you are interested then this is the page: Facebook Page: Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey
I was thinking about reminding my son, again, about his laundry but I think I will leave that until tomorrow. He is playing games etc today for the first time in probably over a week.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
His case worker was here today and discussed with him what support meant. Asked him when the last time was that he went grocery shopping by himself? Never. Does he know how to grocery shop or what to look for? He knows what he likes to eat. Does he have any bills that he pays? No. Does he cook meals? No. Does he know how to use public transit? Yes (if there is drugs or alcohol involved lol). Does he do his own laundry? Yes (still not done from two weeks ago). Does he shower regularly? When it gets bad enough (when I insist). Does he know what medications he is taking or prescribed? Yes Invega (and Olanzapine). Does he know the doses? No. Does he take them on his own? Yes (I remind him sometimes/usually).
His case worker had him call and leave a message with the lady from housing support stating that he now understands what support means and that he is willing to accept it. I stayed out of the conversation as much as I could so that I didn't trigger any defiance in him. :)
Yesterday I was informed that his psychiatrist had discontinued his Trazodone prescription. Today I asked his case worker why because even though me may not take it often, sometimes it is needed and it's a PRN anyways... Apparently his nurse had advised his psychiatrist that he wasn't taking it so that is why. Good logic! If he stops taking his Invega would they stop prescribing that too?! Geesh! His case worker said she would let them know that he does take it sometimes.
You may want to hold onto something... My son just did the dishes! I think I'm smiling like an idiot, on the inside anyways. As much as I would like to make a big deal of this I know that it's not a good idea. Sometimes it can be taken as belittling or condescending and with my son it usually gives him the ok to not do anything else... I did say a very nice thank you! Think I'm going to go outside for a cigarette so I can smile like an idiot for a minute! Be right back...
Remember the calendars that I said I was going to print yesterday? Well I printed some for this month and next month. I noted what days he is supposed to cook, do dishes and clean the toilet. Today is the day for dishes. Of course he isn't looking at them on his own. Baby steps right? I pointed out to him that today is dishes day. No movement to do them... A little while later I reminded him again. He asked what was for dinner and if it could be the salmon I took out yesterday. I did buy it because he said he likes salmon. I told him we were having salmon but I wasn't going to start dinner until he did the dishes and that it would be better for him to do them before I made more dirty. If he didn't do the dishes then I wouldn't cook dinner and I would go out instead. He said this wasn't fair. I asked if he had any money? No. When he does then we will discuss fair.
Shortly after he got up to do the dishes asking for help as he had no idea how. I helped him get started and he did them! Soap suds galore! :) I'm also making honey roasted carrots for dinner since he really likes them too! Wish me luck on the salmon as I think this is my first attempt at making it.
I decided to start a Facebook page. I sometimes feel like I may be over posting mental health posts on my normal news feed. I started one before but I never gave it much of a chance. With this page I can post to my hearts content! Also I can't post news articles etc here so I feel like I'm missing out on passing on information that someone may find useful.
If you are interested then this is the page: Facebook Page: Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey
I was thinking about reminding my son, again, about his laundry but I think I will leave that until tomorrow. He is playing games etc today for the first time in probably over a week.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Tactile Hallucinations and Behavioral Issues
Monday as my son and I were getting ready to take the car down for the emissions testing he asked me how he could stop 'them' from attacking him. Them being his voices or entities. They had been attacking his privates the night before. I explained to him that these are what is called tactile hallucinations. I had read about this type of thing happening on the schizophrenia.com forum so I wasn't taken off guard when he asked about it. I told him that that are a lot of different types of hallucinations and he says that he has experienced several of them. Wikipedia has a list: Wikipedia - Hallucinations.
While we were waiting for the car, I logged into the forum on my phone and showed him some posts from other people who have experienced this. I created him an account a little while ago as I want him to be able to start understanding and knowing that he is not alone in what he is experiencing. So far he has not used it that I'm aware of. I don't know if this helped him or not.
I told my son that I'm glad that he is finally reaching a point where he is able to consider that what he is experiencing is schizophrenia symptoms. He wants my help to spiritually deal with what he is going through. What he is going through is NOT spiritual. It's manifestations of his symptoms. Wanting to get the government involved or create a government to rule the world is a grandiose delusion. There is no one government that rules the world. I know that it must be hard to accept the idea that what seems so real is part of a disease and that his brain is 'playing tricks on him'.
How do we stop it? I'm not sure why he is believing that it can't be stopped. I have reminded him several times that we know that it can be stopped because he has been positive and negative symptom free of schizophrenia, so it is obviously possible. Before the Adderall in June, 2014 my son was symptom free or in remission. It IS possible providing he be medication compliant and stay away from marijuana.
The good thing that seems to have come from him experiencing this is that he is now taking his Invega and Olanzapine as prescribed.
For the longest time I didn't discuss my son's schizophrenia with him. Recently I have not been so guarded about that and I do discuss his schizophrenia as matter-of-factly as I can. It's a pretty big elephant in the room that can't be ignored. We have gone through phases where my son would get mad if I even mentioned his schizophrenia to being mad that I never ask him about it... Typical no win situation :)
Yesterday after he got up I asked him how he was? Good. How he slept? Good. Then I asked him if he had experienced any more tactile hallucinations? No. How are the entities, are they bothering you? This last question was I guess too much... Why are you asking?! I see this sometimes on the forum. My parents don't understand. My mom never asks me about my schizophrenia. My dad never asks me about me. Seriously talk about no win scenarios. We are judged either way. If we mention symptoms than we are being mean or rude. If we don't mention or ask then we are being uncaring and don't understand. We can only understand what one helps us to understand. We are not telepathic, we don't have crystal balls and we are not psychic. Sorry we are just human beings.
This is random... The other day I was thinking about how heavy my purse was. Aside from normal purse items I have been carrying around several different medications and supplements that I don't want being abused. I had my son's Neurotin and my hubby's Concerta that I haven't taken back for disposal at the pharmacy , 2 bottles of 5-HTP and sometimes I have my son's other medications and even my own sleeping pills if I'm concerned about him being suicidal. My son had also cut up his Trazodone into quarters that he had in his jacket in a sandwich baggy that I took out yesterday and put in my purse for disposal at the pharmacy along with the Lithium. I can't imagine what explaining I would have to do to a police officer if he pulled me over and went through my purse! Do a urine test, blood test, hair sample test... I swear Officer I'm not abusing all these!
I have blogged before about how I get upset when I'm being told that my son's actions are behavioral. I have been trying to give this some serious thought and perhaps there is some truth in this observation. It would be nice if I could chalk up all my son's actions to schizophrenia and/or related disorders however that may not always be the case. There are confabulations or lies without the intention to deceive. My son outright tells lies and knows that he is lying. There is breaks with reality and delusional thinking. My son knows when he is manipulating people. Losing control while experiencing psychosis and symptoms. My son will threaten me with losing control when I don't give him what he wants. These things are behavioral and are things that he does have a choice in doing or not.
He is not liking that I won't buy him more cigarettes. When I told him that he should be grateful for what he is being provided his response was that he would be grateful for more... Somehow he missed the idea behind being grateful. Yesterday he started again about me buying him more tobacco for the tobacco pipe I got him for Christmas. Why did I get it for him if I wasn't going to buy him more tobacco? When I tried to talk and reply he cut me off and wouldn't let me talk. Then he went into how it is stronger tobacco and how it is furthering his addiction, all reasons that I have been telling him to be careful with it and not overdue it. So because I'm not buying him more then he is going to go through withdrawal, become cranky and I will have to deal with it... I had to laugh as I replied: Because your such a joy to be around now. He didn't like that and went out to smoke his pipe. This isn't schizophrenia or ADHD... It's my son trying to manipulate me. A side note to this is the tobacco I'm having to clean up after him where he is dumping his pipe all over the step and walkway coming into the building.
A little while later I said to him: This is why I want you in a group home because here you are just take, take, take and you give nothing in return. It's like you have no respect or consideration for anything or anyone. He looked me straight in the eyes and said: You're right, I don't. Yes I know. Just because you are my son and I love you that doesn't mean that I don't see.
He has asked about doing chores for money for tobacco... If he is capable of doing chores then he should be doing them and no I'm not going to pay him for doing them. Of course that means he won't do them or anything else for that matter because why should he do anything for anyone else? It must be hard for him to deal with people who don't think the sun shines out of his butt ;)
A worker from PACT dropped off more Invega yesterday. She had called my son before she came and let him know that she was on her way. When she showed up my son refused to even sit up on the sofa... When she left I told him that that was a little bit rude. My son is not above knowing or learning courtesy and manners. Someone was doing something for him and yes he should at least acknowledge it and put forth some effort to be polite. He said that it wasn't rude because he wasn't trying to be rude. I told him to remember that the next time he is accusing me of being rude because that is something I have never tried to be.
So we butted heads yesterday over him lying on the sofa all day. I have asked him repeatedly to not treat the living room like a bedroom. He needs to put forth some effort to do something, anything other then lying around doing nothing all day and then being up, keeping everyone else awake until all hours in the morning. The night before he kept waking my husband up until after 1:30 when he has to get up for work at 5. Last night it was until after 12.
My son tells me yesterday that he doesn't want to ever see me lying down on the sofa. Really! The fact that he even thinks that he is justified or has the right to tell me what I can or can not do with or on my furniture in my living room... Yes I know it's his living room too. Actually it's not. He's allowed to use because me and my hubby say that he can.
After dinner he starts again. How can he watch TV if he can't relax on the sofa? There is a difference between relaxing or reclining and all out lying down. Again I'm being told that I should let him rearrange the living room. No. Well he is not some dog that... I don't recall the rest of that. Finally I said to him that he is 20 years old and to stop acting like he is 5. Well he is going to act like he is 2 or 3 and have temper tantrums. That's fine, children who are having temper tantrums need to be in their room so please go there. No! My husband asked him to go to his room. No! If we want him to move then we will have to drag him off the sofa... Hubby and I went to our room as the living room was so full of his attitude that we didn't want to be there. Twenty minutes later guess where he is... In his room sitting on a bed that he says is a piece of shit, on a laptop that we bought using internet that we are paying for.
What irks me is this. Why are we the parents the ones that are providing the home and usually everything else, the ones that have to hide in our rooms? I think back to my own childhood. The idea of treating anything that my parents gave or provided me with, with such disrespect... Privacy? I never expected it as long as I was living under my parents roof. If I wanted to act and do as I pleased then I needed to move out. If I wanted respect then I had to give respect. I didn't get paid for chores. I did them because it was expected that I contribute. No negotiations. There was no expectations that my parents provide me with any luxuries. I certainly didn't think that I had the right to tell my parents what to do...
My son has no idea what it can be like out there in the real world. He has never been literally 'out on the street'. I have. I know what it's like to walk around most of the night, in the winter, not knowing where I was going to sleep and being hungry. I ended up on someone's dirty sofa, watching my 'friend' eat while my stomach growled. Trust me after one night I was thankful for the warm bed in my mother's house, for food to eat and yes even chores to do.
I know that this all has to stop. If my son was in active psychosis then I would not hold him accountable for his actions however he is stable enough to be held accountable. He is aware of what he is doing and saying. To be blunt, he is being a disrespectful self-indulgent brat and I'm done rewarding this behavior. I know that my husband should be able to get a reasonable night sleep for work. I have considered the idea of giving my husband my son's room. This may sound harsh but seriously... My son doesn't appreciate the bed as it's a piece of shit, he doesn't want to use the room except to masturbate or for privacy when calling his Nana, he wants to sleep and/or lie on the sofa in the living room 24/7.
I have some thinking to do...
Mom
BarbieBF
While we were waiting for the car, I logged into the forum on my phone and showed him some posts from other people who have experienced this. I created him an account a little while ago as I want him to be able to start understanding and knowing that he is not alone in what he is experiencing. So far he has not used it that I'm aware of. I don't know if this helped him or not.
I told my son that I'm glad that he is finally reaching a point where he is able to consider that what he is experiencing is schizophrenia symptoms. He wants my help to spiritually deal with what he is going through. What he is going through is NOT spiritual. It's manifestations of his symptoms. Wanting to get the government involved or create a government to rule the world is a grandiose delusion. There is no one government that rules the world. I know that it must be hard to accept the idea that what seems so real is part of a disease and that his brain is 'playing tricks on him'.
How do we stop it? I'm not sure why he is believing that it can't be stopped. I have reminded him several times that we know that it can be stopped because he has been positive and negative symptom free of schizophrenia, so it is obviously possible. Before the Adderall in June, 2014 my son was symptom free or in remission. It IS possible providing he be medication compliant and stay away from marijuana.
The good thing that seems to have come from him experiencing this is that he is now taking his Invega and Olanzapine as prescribed.
For the longest time I didn't discuss my son's schizophrenia with him. Recently I have not been so guarded about that and I do discuss his schizophrenia as matter-of-factly as I can. It's a pretty big elephant in the room that can't be ignored. We have gone through phases where my son would get mad if I even mentioned his schizophrenia to being mad that I never ask him about it... Typical no win situation :)
Yesterday after he got up I asked him how he was? Good. How he slept? Good. Then I asked him if he had experienced any more tactile hallucinations? No. How are the entities, are they bothering you? This last question was I guess too much... Why are you asking?! I see this sometimes on the forum. My parents don't understand. My mom never asks me about my schizophrenia. My dad never asks me about me. Seriously talk about no win scenarios. We are judged either way. If we mention symptoms than we are being mean or rude. If we don't mention or ask then we are being uncaring and don't understand. We can only understand what one helps us to understand. We are not telepathic, we don't have crystal balls and we are not psychic. Sorry we are just human beings.
This is random... The other day I was thinking about how heavy my purse was. Aside from normal purse items I have been carrying around several different medications and supplements that I don't want being abused. I had my son's Neurotin and my hubby's Concerta that I haven't taken back for disposal at the pharmacy , 2 bottles of 5-HTP and sometimes I have my son's other medications and even my own sleeping pills if I'm concerned about him being suicidal. My son had also cut up his Trazodone into quarters that he had in his jacket in a sandwich baggy that I took out yesterday and put in my purse for disposal at the pharmacy along with the Lithium. I can't imagine what explaining I would have to do to a police officer if he pulled me over and went through my purse! Do a urine test, blood test, hair sample test... I swear Officer I'm not abusing all these!
I have blogged before about how I get upset when I'm being told that my son's actions are behavioral. I have been trying to give this some serious thought and perhaps there is some truth in this observation. It would be nice if I could chalk up all my son's actions to schizophrenia and/or related disorders however that may not always be the case. There are confabulations or lies without the intention to deceive. My son outright tells lies and knows that he is lying. There is breaks with reality and delusional thinking. My son knows when he is manipulating people. Losing control while experiencing psychosis and symptoms. My son will threaten me with losing control when I don't give him what he wants. These things are behavioral and are things that he does have a choice in doing or not.
He is not liking that I won't buy him more cigarettes. When I told him that he should be grateful for what he is being provided his response was that he would be grateful for more... Somehow he missed the idea behind being grateful. Yesterday he started again about me buying him more tobacco for the tobacco pipe I got him for Christmas. Why did I get it for him if I wasn't going to buy him more tobacco? When I tried to talk and reply he cut me off and wouldn't let me talk. Then he went into how it is stronger tobacco and how it is furthering his addiction, all reasons that I have been telling him to be careful with it and not overdue it. So because I'm not buying him more then he is going to go through withdrawal, become cranky and I will have to deal with it... I had to laugh as I replied: Because your such a joy to be around now. He didn't like that and went out to smoke his pipe. This isn't schizophrenia or ADHD... It's my son trying to manipulate me. A side note to this is the tobacco I'm having to clean up after him where he is dumping his pipe all over the step and walkway coming into the building.
A little while later I said to him: This is why I want you in a group home because here you are just take, take, take and you give nothing in return. It's like you have no respect or consideration for anything or anyone. He looked me straight in the eyes and said: You're right, I don't. Yes I know. Just because you are my son and I love you that doesn't mean that I don't see.
He has asked about doing chores for money for tobacco... If he is capable of doing chores then he should be doing them and no I'm not going to pay him for doing them. Of course that means he won't do them or anything else for that matter because why should he do anything for anyone else? It must be hard for him to deal with people who don't think the sun shines out of his butt ;)
A worker from PACT dropped off more Invega yesterday. She had called my son before she came and let him know that she was on her way. When she showed up my son refused to even sit up on the sofa... When she left I told him that that was a little bit rude. My son is not above knowing or learning courtesy and manners. Someone was doing something for him and yes he should at least acknowledge it and put forth some effort to be polite. He said that it wasn't rude because he wasn't trying to be rude. I told him to remember that the next time he is accusing me of being rude because that is something I have never tried to be.
So we butted heads yesterday over him lying on the sofa all day. I have asked him repeatedly to not treat the living room like a bedroom. He needs to put forth some effort to do something, anything other then lying around doing nothing all day and then being up, keeping everyone else awake until all hours in the morning. The night before he kept waking my husband up until after 1:30 when he has to get up for work at 5. Last night it was until after 12.
My son tells me yesterday that he doesn't want to ever see me lying down on the sofa. Really! The fact that he even thinks that he is justified or has the right to tell me what I can or can not do with or on my furniture in my living room... Yes I know it's his living room too. Actually it's not. He's allowed to use because me and my hubby say that he can.
After dinner he starts again. How can he watch TV if he can't relax on the sofa? There is a difference between relaxing or reclining and all out lying down. Again I'm being told that I should let him rearrange the living room. No. Well he is not some dog that... I don't recall the rest of that. Finally I said to him that he is 20 years old and to stop acting like he is 5. Well he is going to act like he is 2 or 3 and have temper tantrums. That's fine, children who are having temper tantrums need to be in their room so please go there. No! My husband asked him to go to his room. No! If we want him to move then we will have to drag him off the sofa... Hubby and I went to our room as the living room was so full of his attitude that we didn't want to be there. Twenty minutes later guess where he is... In his room sitting on a bed that he says is a piece of shit, on a laptop that we bought using internet that we are paying for.
What irks me is this. Why are we the parents the ones that are providing the home and usually everything else, the ones that have to hide in our rooms? I think back to my own childhood. The idea of treating anything that my parents gave or provided me with, with such disrespect... Privacy? I never expected it as long as I was living under my parents roof. If I wanted to act and do as I pleased then I needed to move out. If I wanted respect then I had to give respect. I didn't get paid for chores. I did them because it was expected that I contribute. No negotiations. There was no expectations that my parents provide me with any luxuries. I certainly didn't think that I had the right to tell my parents what to do...
My son has no idea what it can be like out there in the real world. He has never been literally 'out on the street'. I have. I know what it's like to walk around most of the night, in the winter, not knowing where I was going to sleep and being hungry. I ended up on someone's dirty sofa, watching my 'friend' eat while my stomach growled. Trust me after one night I was thankful for the warm bed in my mother's house, for food to eat and yes even chores to do.
I know that this all has to stop. If my son was in active psychosis then I would not hold him accountable for his actions however he is stable enough to be held accountable. He is aware of what he is doing and saying. To be blunt, he is being a disrespectful self-indulgent brat and I'm done rewarding this behavior. I know that my husband should be able to get a reasonable night sleep for work. I have considered the idea of giving my husband my son's room. This may sound harsh but seriously... My son doesn't appreciate the bed as it's a piece of shit, he doesn't want to use the room except to masturbate or for privacy when calling his Nana, he wants to sleep and/or lie on the sofa in the living room 24/7.
I have some thinking to do...
Mom
BarbieBF
Monday, January 5, 2015
Some days I want to....
Do I need a therapist? Anti-depressants? To change how I think? Or just a short vacation from my life? Perhaps just a short vacation. Personally I don't believe in anti-depressants for myself as I feel that if there is something about my life that is making me depressed, that can be changed, then I need to change my life. The problem is that it is not my life or choices that is making me want to bury my head in the sand.
Hubby called and asked if he was supposed to use the credit card for what he was picking up. Yes... The car we looking at buying is currently in the shop being looked over to see what needs to be done... I'm really hoping to hear today if we have been approved for the townhouse...
My son's nurse called this morning. Did you pick up his Invega shot? No I didn't and I don't have $700 plus to pick it up with. There are moments where I'm at war with my own feelings as I can tell you where I would like to send the bills and receipts for what my adult son is costing us, out of pocket, yet again. I didn't make the decisions to put us in this situation...
I called disability again this morning and I actually got a call back! They faxed, I think she said on December 24, a formal request to the office out in British Columbia (BC) asking for information on his file out there. She can't proceed until she hears back from them. I also have tried calling BC (kept getting disconnected) and emailed them. The second email directly to the office he was registered with. I shouldn't be the one dealing with this...
I have no problem with accepting responsibility for my own actions and choices. I have no problem with dealing with the consequences of things that I have done wrong. I am having a problem with being responsible for and dealing with the consequences of other peoples choices.
From day to day I don't know if my daughter is going to be staying where she is or moving back with me. She is 19 making adult choices when she really needs to be parented. I can't parent her from across the country and the parental figures closest to her are seriously dropping the ball as far as I'm concerned. She is being given way to much rope to hang herself with... Honestly I'm mad at myself for not bringing her back with me when I went to get my son. Good or bad I would have dealt with the consequences of that choice. Instead I allowed others to decide and they have not followed through or taken responsibility for that decision.
Back to my son. Last night he again refused his Lithium as well as his Trazodone. I don't think he slept very well or even very much. When I checked on him early this morning he didn't respond to me being in his room however both of his feet were going... He also got up early. None of these are good signs from my son as it means he didn't go into a deep sleep, if he even slept. What is he doing today? Nothing... Just lying on the sofa. When his nurse called he talked to her and let her know that he is refusing to take the Invega injection. I think she tried to talk to him about coming off the Lithium, that he needs to wean himself off it, which he agreed. Of course he agreed. As far as he is concerned he has already weaned himself off it since he has gone two days without it and in his eyes is doing fine without it. I asked him today if he would be willing to go back on the Clozapine as I told his nurse that he had previously told his psychiatrist that he would so maybe we should consider it. Today he is saying no to the Clozapine. I think his treatment will be discussing his case tomorrow.
I can't see my son maintaining or even staying remotely stable on only 10 mg of Olanzapine. Him laughing out loud for no reason had started to go away when he was taking Olanzapine during the day as well as at night. Today I heard it again.
So can I be like the ostrich in the picture? I don't know... There is the mom in me that is saying no however there is a part of me that is saying yes... When I decided to have children I did not forfeit my own life. I can love them, try my best to parent them however there comes a time when they need to be responsible for choices that they are making. All my worrying is not going to change those choices or even the consequences.
Mom
BarbieBF
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Clusterf....!
Generally speaking I am against swearing when other words can be used however I find myself thinking that clusterfuck best describes the situation I currently find myself.
Yesterday I received some news that had me smiling from ear to ear, for a little while anyways, until the reality of it all set in. As it stands right now my son will probably be released into my care! There is a saying that goes something like this: "The truth is like a lion. You don't have to defend it. Let it lose. It will defend itself." - St. Augustine. An accounting of my son's history and current circumstances did indeed speak for itself.
The relief I felt was short lived as my mind spun ahead to all the work that is still left to be done. All the work that has been unraveled. Sincerely hoping that the facts that I am currently looking at are not as bleak as they seem. If I am back to square one, where I was 18 months ago, I will not be impressed. My son's disability file out here may have been closed in order for a disability file to be opened where he is. If I have to start all over with disability and pay for my son's medications out of pocket yet again...
I have been advised that my son needs to be on a CTO (Community Treatment Order) which I totally agree with at least for now. The problem is that whatever conditions he is released under in British Columbia will not hold once we leave that province. He needs to be on one here in Ontario. Sounds easy right? Not if he doesn't meet the requirements in Ontario...
I am so pissed off right now! My son would most likely be in a home right now with daily support, learning to be an adult and chances are medication compliant and stable! But no... That wasn't good enough. Now look where he is?! Yup, I'm pissed!
Waiting for a call back from disability... their systems are down. Go figure! Once I hear back from disability I will have a better idea on what services I will require from a lawyer here. I did get a call back from the lawyer at the Public Guardian and Trust office and he confirmed it was as I thought, that anything I start in British Columbia doesn't apply to Ontario. Thankfully he is still technically a part of PACT out here so he will have access to treatment right away. Cross your fingers and toes for me that with a little (a lot!) of help I can figure all this out before I implode.
Mom
BarbieBF
Yesterday I received some news that had me smiling from ear to ear, for a little while anyways, until the reality of it all set in. As it stands right now my son will probably be released into my care! There is a saying that goes something like this: "The truth is like a lion. You don't have to defend it. Let it lose. It will defend itself." - St. Augustine. An accounting of my son's history and current circumstances did indeed speak for itself.
The relief I felt was short lived as my mind spun ahead to all the work that is still left to be done. All the work that has been unraveled. Sincerely hoping that the facts that I am currently looking at are not as bleak as they seem. If I am back to square one, where I was 18 months ago, I will not be impressed. My son's disability file out here may have been closed in order for a disability file to be opened where he is. If I have to start all over with disability and pay for my son's medications out of pocket yet again...
I have been advised that my son needs to be on a CTO (Community Treatment Order) which I totally agree with at least for now. The problem is that whatever conditions he is released under in British Columbia will not hold once we leave that province. He needs to be on one here in Ontario. Sounds easy right? Not if he doesn't meet the requirements in Ontario...
I am so pissed off right now! My son would most likely be in a home right now with daily support, learning to be an adult and chances are medication compliant and stable! But no... That wasn't good enough. Now look where he is?! Yup, I'm pissed!
Waiting for a call back from disability... their systems are down. Go figure! Once I hear back from disability I will have a better idea on what services I will require from a lawyer here. I did get a call back from the lawyer at the Public Guardian and Trust office and he confirmed it was as I thought, that anything I start in British Columbia doesn't apply to Ontario. Thankfully he is still technically a part of PACT out here so he will have access to treatment right away. Cross your fingers and toes for me that with a little (a lot!) of help I can figure all this out before I implode.
Mom
BarbieBF
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Painting, Cleaning, In and Out.
It's been a fairly busy week. Saturday hubby and I decided it's time to start doing some things for ourselves and our apartment. For awhile we were tossing around the idea of moving and now that we can as we finally have clear credit reports!, we have decided not to (at least for now). Go figure right! So in deciding to stay it was time to do some painting and fixing. Between my hubby's work dust and my son's temper tantrums there was some painting and patching up to do. I learned how to use PollyFilla to fill in the knife holes among other things. We haven't gotten to painting these parts yet as it's mostly doors and we are doing those last so fingers crossed I did an ok job. First it was deciding on some neutral colors. We decided on tan for the main living areas and linen for our bedroom and probably the spare bedroom too. So far we have done the entrance way, dining room, living room and our bedroom. I'm impressed, it looks good! Scrubbing the splattered paint off the bedroom floor was fun! As was scrubbing the paint off of the marble window ledges that the lovely painters did before I moved in. Contractors paid by apartment which explains the painted macaroni I discovered when I moved in and went to put my dishes away (I'm serious!). SOS and some elbow grease... Will a lot of elbow grease for me. Going over and over the same spot is my way of cleaning since I'm not really strong enough to get it off that easily. As I told my hubby, it's one of the very few times that I wish that I was a man and/or physically stronger. Honestly I gave up after two window ledges, 3-4 SOS pads and arms that felt like jelly. Getting the paint off the bedroom floor was a lot easier. I have even helped paint some walls which I think is equivalent to a couple of work-outs on my stepper so I don't feel so bad that I haven't done it in awhile ;) I thanked my chiropractor yesterday as a couple of years ago I would not have been able to anywhere near what I have been doing to help. In fact it was painting that got me to a chiropractor in the first place. The straw that broke the camels back combined with 13 year old whiplash, bad posture and a touch of scoliosis in my neck.
Saturday we also went bedroom shopping. What started out as just mattresses turned into a bedroom set. Hubby is tired of us not sleeping in the same bed. Between my insomnia, his sleep apnea and restless leg... I wasn't getting much sleep. I'm on the fence with this though as I have been enjoying have a bed to myself and not being jostled awake by his restless feet! lol Seriously though I do miss having him beside me, sometimes ;) The mattresses we have are old. They were my mother's and like almost everything else in our room is not less then 10-15 years old. I realized that at the age of 42 I have never had a new or matching bedroom set and haven't had a new bed in about 20 years. Yup it was time! I even figured out yesterday how to put off paying for it for like 8 months! A little juggling here and there but it can be done. By that time we should have our finances under control, hopefully, I think I'm seeing a job in my near future...
The bedroom set is supposed to get delivered on Sunday. Even hubby is excited about this. We have actually had fun shopping, painting and cleaning together. Some good old one on one, husband and wife bonding time! Including the nagging from me that he needs to put on his glasses so he can see the messes he is making... paint all over my canisters, the coffee maker, kettle etc. He started doing clean up in the tub. Not sure if we were thinking that we could get the painting all done last weekend. If we were then we were obviously not thinking clearly. We still have the spare bedroom and hallway to do. Really there is no rush though. The priority was getting the bedroom done before Sunday and thoughts of the delivery people scratching a newly painted hallway...
The spare bedroom. It's been my daughter's room, my brother-in-law's room, my son's room and now my hubby's room (until Sunday). I figure it's best to just start calling it the spare room since from day to day I have no idea who is going to be in it anymore.
I have only talked to my son once since he left and that was a fairly useless conversation. He was so 'distracted' that he could barely answer a simple question. Last Friday he was admitted to hospital. I still don't know why... Not that it matters now. I'm guessing it was for psychosis related reasons? Yesterday he was released. I sometimes wonder how much more disappointed I can get in the system but that is probably not a question I want answered. To quote Elvis Presley during the (19) '68 Comeback Special, "Never ceases to amaze me. Baby" There is no way, in my opinion, that he was stable enough after barely a week of being medication compliant. He was released after three weeks during his last hospitalization and was barely stable. The chances of him staying medication compliant when he currently has zero insight is slim to none. Unfortunately I didn't find out that he was getting released or that anyone was trying to release him until it was too late. It seems no one thinks that keeping me informed on what is happening with my son is important. I keep asking myself why I would expect any different? (Yes, perhaps I do need a little cheese with my whine)
A week ago I was pretty determined on what my next steps were going to be. I have gathered information on what it is that I want to do and I have contacted a lawyer and got some advise on the steps I should take and who I should contact. Yet, I find myself hesitating... I'm hesitating because of my son. If everyone, including him, is so determined to keep him mentally unwell or psychotic then perhaps I should let it happen. I must say it really irks me to even say that however until he can reach a point where he can see that the choices that he is making, and consequences, are doing him more harm then good then I'm fighting an uphill battle that may not be the right thing for right now. If it was just him... However it's not just him. As long as he has the support that he currently has and wants, albeit for the wrong reasons (no boundaries, rules or expectations), then it makes advocating for his mental well-being a lot harder. It's like having a leaky roof that does damage to your walls so you paint your walls, over and over instead of fixing the leaky roof. How much advocating or painting can I do if the leak in the roof is not being attended to? But what irritates me is that now no one is trying to fix that leaky roof and damage is being done even if it can't be seen.
My biggest fear is that by not doing anything, I am in fact, making the wrong decision. Hopefully I will know when to step in and deal with my son's resentment and hopefully it will not be too late.
Mom
BarbieBF
Saturday we also went bedroom shopping. What started out as just mattresses turned into a bedroom set. Hubby is tired of us not sleeping in the same bed. Between my insomnia, his sleep apnea and restless leg... I wasn't getting much sleep. I'm on the fence with this though as I have been enjoying have a bed to myself and not being jostled awake by his restless feet! lol Seriously though I do miss having him beside me, sometimes ;) The mattresses we have are old. They were my mother's and like almost everything else in our room is not less then 10-15 years old. I realized that at the age of 42 I have never had a new or matching bedroom set and haven't had a new bed in about 20 years. Yup it was time! I even figured out yesterday how to put off paying for it for like 8 months! A little juggling here and there but it can be done. By that time we should have our finances under control, hopefully, I think I'm seeing a job in my near future...
The bedroom set is supposed to get delivered on Sunday. Even hubby is excited about this. We have actually had fun shopping, painting and cleaning together. Some good old one on one, husband and wife bonding time! Including the nagging from me that he needs to put on his glasses so he can see the messes he is making... paint all over my canisters, the coffee maker, kettle etc. He started doing clean up in the tub. Not sure if we were thinking that we could get the painting all done last weekend. If we were then we were obviously not thinking clearly. We still have the spare bedroom and hallway to do. Really there is no rush though. The priority was getting the bedroom done before Sunday and thoughts of the delivery people scratching a newly painted hallway...
The spare bedroom. It's been my daughter's room, my brother-in-law's room, my son's room and now my hubby's room (until Sunday). I figure it's best to just start calling it the spare room since from day to day I have no idea who is going to be in it anymore.
I have only talked to my son once since he left and that was a fairly useless conversation. He was so 'distracted' that he could barely answer a simple question. Last Friday he was admitted to hospital. I still don't know why... Not that it matters now. I'm guessing it was for psychosis related reasons? Yesterday he was released. I sometimes wonder how much more disappointed I can get in the system but that is probably not a question I want answered. To quote Elvis Presley during the (19) '68 Comeback Special, "Never ceases to amaze me. Baby" There is no way, in my opinion, that he was stable enough after barely a week of being medication compliant. He was released after three weeks during his last hospitalization and was barely stable. The chances of him staying medication compliant when he currently has zero insight is slim to none. Unfortunately I didn't find out that he was getting released or that anyone was trying to release him until it was too late. It seems no one thinks that keeping me informed on what is happening with my son is important. I keep asking myself why I would expect any different? (Yes, perhaps I do need a little cheese with my whine)
A week ago I was pretty determined on what my next steps were going to be. I have gathered information on what it is that I want to do and I have contacted a lawyer and got some advise on the steps I should take and who I should contact. Yet, I find myself hesitating... I'm hesitating because of my son. If everyone, including him, is so determined to keep him mentally unwell or psychotic then perhaps I should let it happen. I must say it really irks me to even say that however until he can reach a point where he can see that the choices that he is making, and consequences, are doing him more harm then good then I'm fighting an uphill battle that may not be the right thing for right now. If it was just him... However it's not just him. As long as he has the support that he currently has and wants, albeit for the wrong reasons (no boundaries, rules or expectations), then it makes advocating for his mental well-being a lot harder. It's like having a leaky roof that does damage to your walls so you paint your walls, over and over instead of fixing the leaky roof. How much advocating or painting can I do if the leak in the roof is not being attended to? But what irritates me is that now no one is trying to fix that leaky roof and damage is being done even if it can't be seen.
My biggest fear is that by not doing anything, I am in fact, making the wrong decision. Hopefully I will know when to step in and deal with my son's resentment and hopefully it will not be too late.
Mom
BarbieBF
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Addiction and Psychosis
What came first? The chicken or the egg? I know this may seem like an odd question. Sometimes I don't think the answer to that question is very important as what matters in the end is that we have chickens laying eggs... (Sorry that was a lame attempt at being funny) Does it really matter which came first?
My son has addiction and psychosis or schizophrenia. Science cannot say for sure what causes schizophrenia BUT it does know that certain things make it worse. We know that a lot of people with mental illness also have addiction problems. For some it is a way of coping with symptoms. For other's like my son, I'm not so sure. Since his schizophrenia symptoms are usually under control when he is not using marijuana and stable then I don't see someone who is self-medicating his schizophrenia but someone who is feeding his addiction. I do know that marijuana triggered his first psychotic break and caused him to be catatonic (immobile, unresponsive or not moving) for somewhere between 24-36 hours. He has spoken himself of how high he was when this happened. Of being aware of what was happening around him but unable to respond. He couldn't because schizophrenia had a hold of his brain. It took over until there was no room for anything else. It did what schizophrenia or psychosis does and caused him to break with reality.
First I will speak about addiction. This was taken from The Alcoholics Anonymous book:
"Men and women drink essentially because they like the affect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, the alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks - drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stage of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless the person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery."
"At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail. The tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected. The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."
"At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail. The tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected. The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."
Abstinence is a solution that recovering addicts have to make. Whether it's alcohol, marijuana or cocaine. Without first abstaining how can the person see past the addiction to experience the change required for recovery?
Now lets look at psychosis. A sever mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality. It is a break with reality. The exact cause of schizophrenia is unknown however we do know that schizophrenia occurs with changes in brain chemistry, specifically dopamine. I have long believed that my son's brain produces too much dopamine.
Using marijuana causes the brain to release more dopamine. That is why it feels good to be high. Dopamine is also called the 'feel good' chemical because it is directly responsible for feelings of pleasure, motivation and reward. At the same time, abusing marijuana blunts the brain's ability to respond to dopamine. So even though the brain is producing more of it, the brain's ability to respond is blunted, dulled down or has less of an affect. The brain doesn't know what to do with all of this dopamine. Unfortunately schizophrenia, in my opinion, does.
What do you think happens when you flood a brain already producing too much dopamine with even more dopamine? Other then feeding the addiction we are now feeding schizophrenia too by triggering psychosis. Anti-psychotics that block dopamine can only do so much when outside sources continue to flood the brain with even more dopamine which contradict or go against what the medication is trying to do. If anything this combination is, in my opinion, even more damaging as by limiting the dopamine in the brain the medication is also limiting dopamine in other parts of the body which is why some develop movement disorders among other serious complications. More marijuana... more medications... more risks. Less marijuana... less medications... less risks. Self-medicating to feel better which triggers or worsens psychosis symptoms. More anti-psychotics that don't work as they should because of self-medicating. It's a vicious cycle. 10% commit suicide. When there is no light at the end of the tunnel just a cycle of unhealthy choices...
Back to my original question. Whether my son developed addiction or psychosis first is a mood point. He is now suffering from both. How can we help him to recovery, be stable and to have the future that he deserves? Certainly not by feeding his addiction and schizophrenia!
Mom
BarbieBF
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